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How to Get Along How to Get Along
with Difficult with Difficult PeoplePeople
How to Get Along How to Get Along
with Difficult with Difficult PeoplePeople
What I Learned in What I Learned in KindergartenKindergarten
DENR Lunch ‘n Learn
Facilitator: Sondra Wilson, Office of State Personnel
Oct. 22, 2009
Playing Nice with Others
All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergartenhttp://www.robertfulghum.com/
Play Nice! Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush.
All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergartenhttp://www.robertfulghum.com/
More Play Nice
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. • Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. • Take a nap every afternoon. • When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands
and stick together. • Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
• And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.
http://www.robertfulghum.com
Today “people skills” are as important as technical skills when it comes to getting ahead on the job.
Think about…People who place nice at DENR
How do they behave? What makes them effective?
Source: http://www.uni-ulm.de/uni/intgruppen/memosys/poly01.gif
Perceptions…
There are at least two sides to every story. But when you're in the situation, it feels like the other person just doesn't understand
Let’s Watch
difficult people in action!
Characteristics• Predictably abrasive –Consistently perceived as difficult by
most people, not just you
• Does not own the problem - Keeps blame and responsibility outside of themselves – “not my fault – this is a messed-up place and you caused it!”
• Robbers of you time and energy. They can literally make you sick. Affects your cardiovascular, digestive, muscles. 10% of the work population are difficult people but they take up – conservatively – 40 -60% of a manager’s time.
• Behavior is out of proportion to the problem –They surround themselves with drama.
Pitfalls– Excusing their behavior
– Ignoring their behavior (watch it
escalate!)
– Trying to change their
personality. Work on changing their
behavior, not their personality -- which may
or may not be possible through long-term
counseling.
– Colluding and rewarding
negative behavior
Standing up for one's rights Standing up for one's rights by expressing one's by expressing one's
thoughts and feelings thoughts and feelings directly,directly, honestlyhonestly, and , and appropriately appropriately
without denying the rights of otherswithout denying the rights of others.
A communication that’s two-wayBoth verbal and non-verbal Breaking down your own and other’s defenses Dealing with conflict Describing specific behaviors Not aggressive or threatening Not backing down Using open and honest statements
Knowing what you want Speaking up for yourself Using Open body language Not afraid to ask why Not afraid to say no Matching delivery with your message Using "I" statements Demonstrating good listening Going for win/win solutions
CHARACTERISTICS
Emotionally dishonest,
indirect
Appropriately emotionally honest,
direct
Inappropriately emotionally honest,
direct at others’ expense
YOURFEELINGS
Hurt, anxious,
maybe angry later
Confident, self-respecting
Righteous, superior, maybe guilty later
OTHERS’ FEELING about SELF
Guilty or superior
Valued, respected Hurt, humiliated
OTHERS’ FEELINGS about YOU
Irritations, pity
Generally respect Angry, vengeful
NON-ASSERTIVENON-ASSERTIVE ASSERTIVEASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVEAGGRESSIVE
Strategies Stand up ____________________ Do not ______________________ Don’t take it __________________ Make sure you’re ______________the right things Remember to _____________, really __________. With bullies, don’t ___________ but don’t __________
either. With “yes” people (puppy dogs), make it _________ for
them to say ________. Remain _________________________. Don’t get ____________________________. Focus on the _______________, not the __________________.
Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People
The Power of…
Practicing Empathy
First, acknowledge that how we see things is our perception, not necessarily reality.
Practice active listening to be sure our message is clear.
Lions – they like to roar
They like to roar
They like to crow in your ear
Beware of the Backstabber
The Insecure
Negative Nellie
I just want to be loved.
How About YOU?
Source: http://rulingcatsanddogs.com