How do you coach a · 2005. 7. 1. · My thoughts... When I was in college I worked for two temp agencies, AccounTemps and Kelly Girl (now Kelly Services), on hire as a bookkeeper/accountant

Lesson #41 How do you coach a client who stays in crisis mode?

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This, from a CoachVille member... Hi Thomas: How do you coach a client who only reacts when there is a crisis? He doesnít see that he can change or set things up differently in order to avoid crises.

My thoughts... We all get energy from different sources, and those sources have different 'qualities' (and quality) of energy as well. For example...

Some folks get energy from conflict; others from peace. Some folks get energy from adrenaline, others from being ahead. Some folks get energy from hope, others from having a vision. Some folks get energy from reacting, others from overresponding. Some folks get energy from shoulds, others from selfishness. Some folks get energy from pushing themselves, some from designing

environments that pull them forward. Some folks get energy from competition, others from collaboration. Some folks get energy from development, others from evolution. Some folks get energy from unmet needs, others from having a reserve. Some folks get energy from the past, others from the present.

What I tend to do is to find out if my clients have any interest in upgrading the source and quality of energy that they use to fuel their lives (not just the food they eat but what energizes their mind, spirit and heart). Some clients are open to this type of conversation; others are quite happy with their current source and quality of energy. In other words, for some, having crises is what they actually need to get stuff done. Sure it takes its tool and yes there may be a more efficient or better way, but why get your energy from trying to change your clients if they don't want to? What source/quality of energy is that? I hope that this was helpful. Thomas

Page 1 of 2How To Coach Anyone | Lesson #41

copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


Lesson #42 How do you coach a client who is an underachiever?

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This, from a CoachVille member... Hi Thomas: The other day I was following a discussion around 'underachievers' and it got me thinking how would you coach an underachiever....or is that an oxymoron? .

My thoughts... When I was in college I worked for two temp agencies, AccounTemps and Kelly Girl (now Kelly Services), on hire as a bookkeeper/accountant. (Hey, it paid for college!). I remember when Kelly first 'hired' me' they said they would only send me out on jobs that were one or two levels 'beneath' what I could do. This to ensure customer satisfaction vs blowing an assignment. In other terms, they had 'reserve' when it came to assigning their staffers on jobs. Quite a cool thing actually. So, you could say that I was a very successful underachiever for Kelly. Now THAT'S more like an oxymoron. Or perhaps a paradox as in 'the success of underachievement.' But back to your question...

We are all underachievers, when you think about it. And, so what! None of us will ever reach our potential (as far as I can tell). So, in the great scheme of things, what does it 'matter' if you move forward to use 10% of your potential vs 50% of your potential? The point here is that rather than use the reference point of what one could do/accomplish in life (which isn't that measurable or useful really), why not use a different measure? For example why not use the 3 Definitions of Success (3 Step training Module #1 at http://www.coachville.com/cvmembers for CV members only)? That way, achievement/potential isn't 'only' measure.

Achievement isn't for everyone. Some people don't care a hoot about achievement; they just want to be happy. Yet for others, happiness comes from achievement. My point here is that the whole 'underachievement' thing is a heck of a judgment because it assumes that achievement is good/better than non achievement. Or at least that one definition of achievement is universal, which isn't true.

More and more, people just want to have a good time. How we feel is becoming more important than what we do. (My way of looking at this topic, anyway.) For an increasing number of folks, work is play. And if work can't be fun/play, then it's time for another opportunity. The whole "work


for something/someone that isn't rewarding AND fun," thing is fast fading as a priority of the workforce. More folks, when they see they have a choice about it, want both meaning AND pleasure, not just meaning, purpose or money. Hedonism/pleasure/fun (aka selfishness) is so the future. (Think "edutainment," just one small piece of evidence of this trend). It's this level of selfishness that affords contribution as a byproduct. (One of the more significant paradoxes in life.)

Final comments I used to look at clients and see a 'lifetime lost' in terms of what they were doing with their talents and what they COULD do with their talents. I coached them badly, by trying to 'get them to see all they had to offer the world' and I put this 'could' or 'potential' ahead of the client and what they most WANTED. In fact, I needed to provide value to them so I figured if they tapped into their potential, I'd prove that I was a great coach. Meanwhile, my clients kept firing me and I blamed it on 'Oh, they are just not ready.' What a painful/frustrating 10 years that was. The way I see it now is that my job is to encourage/elicit greatness, enter new territories and have provocative conversations (all of which are Coaching Proficiencies). My job is NOT to 'push' them to tap into their potential and start achieving more. That's their job. I hope that this was helpful. Thomas copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


Lesson #43 How do you coach a client who is just plain negative about life?

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This, from a CoachVille member... (actually, merged from two related emails) Hi Thomas: "I've got a client who is just negative and cynical about life. Frustrated and bummed out. Just can't see what people see in life. Is he depressed or just having a bad year? We've talked about it some but I can't get him to see the better side of life. He's making ME depressed now. Help!" .

Some ideas... You are asking some of the right questions. And let me add a couple of more to ask your client, because getting to the source/cause of this way of relating to the world can obviously get in the way of coaching, achievement, happiness, etc. (duh) Below are some questions that I would ask, but I would ask them in the Navigates via Curiosity mode (on of the 15 proficiencies) not in the interrogation mode where you're coming from looking for information to fix/change/brighten the client up. In my experienced, there is ALWAYS a simple explanation for why a person is negative or cynical. And, often, when the person gets to the root cause, they lighten up, sometimes quite quickly. But as I just mentioned, do come into this via clean curiosity vs trying to make them a Positive Pat. Come to enjoy their being a Negative Ned. Some people just are and will never change. It doesn't mean that you can't coach them well or even enjoy them. (This because it's your reaction to their negativity that's the culprit, not what they are being negative about.)

Things to say/Questions to ask Are you aware that you're coming across as fairly negative? I'm a little curious. Why the cynicism? How you always been this bitter? What's going on that has you be that way? How interested are you in being a very, very positive person from this point

forward? Have you given up on something? Were you seriously wronged and have not yet recovered? I'm okay with negative attitude thing. I'm just curious if you are? Is your attitude something you would like to focus on/change? Is your cynicism something you would like to focus on/change?


Is your outlook something you would like to focus on/change? I'm not an MD, but could it be that you are clinically depressed?

What causes "negativity?" The source of negativity can be any number of things. There are several ideas. Legally/ethically, some of these sources call for the work of a psychologist or MD; others do not. I include all of these here to give you a broader perspective. They are not in any particular order.

Upbringing/Family Culture The dynamic of some families is negative/cynical; the child, no adult, has been steeped in this environment for so long that they consider it to be normal/natural and even 'healthy.'

Circle of Friends/Colleagues We take on the thinking/communication style of the friends/colleagues that we hang out with a lot. It can be a slippery slope, given the richness of the bonding process is so seductive when it's 'us vs them' attitudes that cliques can adopt.

Discrimination/Rejection We are all discriminated against; it is what we humans tend to do to each other as we socialize and define ourselves. Age, race, looks, gender, education level, intelligence level, ZIPCODE/Postal Code, bank account, clothing.

Extreme Disappointment Who hasn't been extremely disappointed in something, themselves or someone else? Some folks internalize this disappointment; others move through it and recover their willingness to live well.

SuperSensitivity Between 5 and 10% of the population are super sensitive meaning that they don't have the natural protection against their environments, energy, people, events. So that when something bad happens, their mind, body, heart and spirit take it pretty hard

Powerlessness When you don't feel that you have the power to protect yourself, to affect a situation, be yourself or get out of a situation, the tendency is to 'communicate/act' by being critical of everything around you. Those feelings of frustration/powerlessness have to get out of your system somehow (think volcano).

Ignorance//Lack of Awareness When you don't know that there is a solution to your problem, or you have no way to frame or contextualize an upsetting/frustrating situation, then negativity is pretty certain to follow.

Lack of Opportunity/Financial Repression When you can't get access to the opportunities that you see others able to find, access and benefit from, who wouldn't be negative? If you're working 2 jobs at $7 an hour and can't buy a house, who wouldn't be negative? It's completely natural.

Depression/Anxiety and Other Conditions The source of these are chemical imbalances, dietary, lifestyle or psychological. I include this here as a reminder to have several therapists and MDs in your network to make sure that your clients are given all of their options if they can't seem to shift their negativity.

Fear of Consequence Sometimes, negativity is a front for fear.


Weak Personal Foundation

If you are being put upon (weak boundaries), aren't doing your best work/life (low standards), are the tail of the dog of life (inadequate reserves) or have a life that's cluttered with unfinished business or physical disarray, it's pretty likely that you'll take a negative stance about life.

Inadequate Integrity Level If you are not doing what's best/right for you (either because you cannot given the circumstances, or cannot given your state of thinking/perception), the tendency is to point the finger elsewhere and not to take responsibility for where you are at.

Nothing More Compelling To Do Hey, being negative can be a lot of fun! Look for the little 'smile' or smirk in someone's face when they are complaining or criticizing. It's there; negativity and complaining are sources of entertainment for a LOT of folks.

So, what can the coach do about "negativity?" Several things, actually... 1. Find out if it is something that the client wants to work on. 2. Make sure you are aware of the depth of your reactions to your client's negativity. Some coaches can't 'handle negativity,' and they attempt to try to make the client more positive, without the client's buy in. Which makes the client even more negative. (Hmm.) If you cannot handle negativity, just let your client know. 3. Consider expanding your ability to be with negativity (as you experience it anyway) so that you can work easily with all types of clients. I hope that this was helpful. Thomas [email protected] copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


Lesson #44 How do you coach the 'thinker' who can't/doesn't act?

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This, from a CoachVille member... Hi Thomas: "How do you coach a client who seems to understands the concepts of life/success and he talks about them a lot, says he knows how but doesnít actually take action or apply what he knows/preaches." .

Some ideas... It's easy to be frustrated by this type of client. They seem to know what they are talking about, but there is a serious disconnect between knowing and doing/succeeding/becoming. It's almost as though they are living vicariously in the world of wisdom, possibility knowledge and insights. But the rubber never meets the road. Nothing ever seems to 'happen' as a result of this knowledge. I am not certain how to coach someone effectively in this situation (I've tried and failed coaching a client in this area many times, and have given up trying). But I do have a couple of explanations as to why clients 'live' this way.

What causes this "disconnect?" Here are several things that I have observed. If you would like to add to this list, please email me a paragraph or two to [email protected] and I'll append to this lesson at the website within 30 days.

The person enjoys living in a world of coulds/thoughts. Thinkers live a vicarious life of sorts, as they work out concepts, ideas, strategies, approaches, plans and more. Yet for a life that they will never lead, or for goals they will never reach. Is there anything wrong with this? Absolutely not! It's only when they, or the coach, feels that the person should 'do something' with what they have learned that the problems/stress occurs. It would seem that some folks are on this planet to figure things out and perhaps talk about them, but not actually do them for themselves. Yet many folks can benefit, and so can the thinker, if they can come to enjoy their role in life. Action isn't for everyone.

The person knows too much and can't afford to be wrong. This is tricky because when a person has a lot of book learning or draws conclusions based on analysis/thinking (yet not also testing/evolving in the real world), then they are 'ahead' of their own reality. And the consequences of


being incorrect or unable to 'prove what they have learned' (vs just talk about it) would mean disaster, so they stay in this thinking state. Happens all the time!

The person doesn't have a compelling reason to use what they know. A lot of folks are quite aware and knowledgeable about principles, marketing, life, spirituality, business; whatever. But they haven't yet stumbled upon a real world opportunity to put into practice what they have learned/know. (FYI, starting a small business around what you know is one way to put the rubber on the road.)

The person is missing a catalyst or source of support to get started. Some clients are ready to go but just need someone to turn on the ignition switch for them or give them a push to get started. The coach as catalyst is a value added service for this type of client.

The person is a mind tripper, expressing themselves via thoughts. Some clients are constipated with too much knowledge and not enough common sense or the pleasure of life experience. Their life gets constricted and the only 'outlet' of their thinking becomes their mind. It's like 'printing to a file' on your computer instead of having a paper printer to print the page out on, or a website to be able to display your work for others to enjoy.

The person is still rewiring their circuits. I see a lot of clients talking the talk but not walking the talk. Heck, I see myself doing the same thing in several areas of my life (fewer, thank goodness, but it still comes up). The point here, and it's a big one, is that we humans are TOTALLY rewiring our brains, thinking/learning systems, personal operating systems, attitudes, identities, environments and more. And in record time. Consciousness/awareness is being raised. And, this process is 'expensive' in that it's take time to shift thinking, reconnect the new dots, integrate new awarenesses, etc. It can take a person 5 to 20 years to make this transition.

Closing thoughts I used to think that all my clients should walk their talk. Now, I'm simply grateful that they are willing to even talk a new talk. And to grapple with the rewiring process. That itself is a stunning achievement for all humans who have had the courage to embrace it. Folks will eventually find their stride. The first stage of 'thinking a lot/processing' is just the warm up phase. Good stuff and practical results will eventually follow. I hope that this was helpful. Thomas [email protected] copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


Lesson #45 How do you coach a client who is "underconfident?"

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This, from a CoachVille member... Hi Thomas: "I have a client who is underconfident. He wants more confidence but is scared to take action. He is bright, able and willing, but fearful and it stops him dead in his tracks every time. I tend to want to push him harder but then he clams up. What can I do?" .

Some ideas... I rather wonder if any one of us is all that well-calibrated in this area. It seems like we're either underconfident or overconfident at any given moment, relevant to the situation we're in. But your client sounds like they have yet to find that inner confidence that can come in handy to get through the challenges of life and make the most of the opportunities that present themselves. Here are some thoughts...

What causes this "underconfidence?"

Simple lack of experience in a "new" area. Here's the deal. Today, we are presented with a zillion new areas/ideas/opportunities. Each has its own learning curve. And finding the best entry point for you into these opps, takes a little time. For example, just because you were 100% confident as a business consultant doesn't mean that you'll feel the same way as a coach, even though you are bright, a quick learner, your clients love you and results are occurring for your clients. Coaching is so new/big/grand, that that high levels of natural/inner confidence can take 2 to 10 years to experience. No matter how good you are. Suggestions for clients: Accept the fear, focus on learning. Play dumb. Stop comparing to how 'good' you were in other areas. Enjoy being a novice and fumbling, making mistakes.

A rough past experience in a similar situation. This one is pretty obvious. If you've fallen off a horse, started and lost a business, or have been unlucky in love, most folks are hesitant to try it again, although they generally do, but not with the bravado of before. Suggestions for clients: Ask yourself whether you are trying to prove something/overcome the past experience, or whether you really, really want to


try it again.

Cannot afford the perceived consequences of failure. In my book, you can either 'manage fear' or simply reduce or remove the risk/threat that is causing the fear. After all, fear is a GREAT thing because it alerts you to the fact that your body/mind is NOT feeling safe. Of course you can ignore/push through that feeling or you can learn and evolve from it. I totally respect fear (I am a scaredy cat by nature), and I do make sure that I handle, or am willing to 'pay' the downsides of whatever I take on. I read a quote recently in Forbes from a female CEO who was considering taking on an impossible turnaround job for a failing dot com. She said something like "I looked at the job and looked at the downsides of the job. One is that I would get fired. The other is that I would quit. I was comfortable with either scenario. I took the job." Suggestions for clients: Either accept 'the worst that could happen,' reduce what could happen by restructuring the opportunity/situation, or insulate yourself from the consequences of failure.

The Super Sensitivity Gene. Some folks are much more sensitive to risk/threat/fear than others are. Like by a factor of 5 or 10. To them, fear looms like a very big goblin. It's not just fear; it's FEAR!!!!. And it runs their life. Usually, it's just the Super Sensitive Gene doing it's thing. As one gets to know this character trait, and comes to honor/respect it, they are less at the effect of this fearful aspect of it and can become a person who more easily takes risks. (Check out SuperSensitivePerson.com for a self test.) Suggestions for clients: Get to know this gene, if you've go it. (And read Elaine Aron's book called the Highly Sensitive Person. It will all make sense very quickly.)

Missing enough 'real-time' support and structures. We coaches can support our clients once a week or so, but sometimes, a person who is afraid, or needs to 'get over the hump,' needs someone to support them DURING the event or hump. So, you might want to set up a phone call with the client where, rather than discussing the action to be taken, the client actually takes the action during the coaching call. Talk about just-in-time coaching! Another version is called bookending where you chat with the client before and after the action. Even the strongest clients need/can benefit from this type of arrangement. It's not dependency; it's simply a VERY effective coaching support structure. Suggestions for clients: Arrange for real time support for anything/everything that you find yourself stopped by. It can be as simple as that.

Missing, vague or non-suitable mission or purpose. When the context is large enough, fear virtually disappears. Example: When we figured out that the mission of CoachVille was to 'improve the quality of coaching worldwide," the level of fear/trepidation we had around 'going for it' dropped considerably. This, because the 'meaning' of a mission is quite comforting and nourishing. And it can be an effective antidote for fear because fear is about protection of the status quo. Whereas meaning/mission is about being focused on something even better. Suggestions for clients: Work with a coach to craft a mission statement for yourself, your career and/or your company.

Well intentioned but badly positioned. Some of my clients were well intentioned in their jobs but the positions they held were not suitable for them, even though the client could make a strong case of how perfect their job was or could be. I cannot explain why people take job that cause fear; maybe they like pain, or the adrenaline rush or frustration or they have nothing better to do. Part of what we do as coaches is to point out the lack of congruence and ease in our clients lives. Remember, fear is VALUABLE piece of information. It's telling you and the client a lot of things. They can override the sensation, but that causes even more risk and stress. Suggestions for clients: Stop, and look at how to make it a lot easier. If you cannot find a far less stressful way, then find another opportunity. Being badly


positioned guarantees frustration.

The person hasn't become a 'man' or a 'woman' yet (aka adult). Forgive the stereotypes here, but there is generally a point in time when one becomes a man/woman. It's similar to when one loses their baby fat. One day, they 'get' that they are a grown up and that their life is up to them. They realize that they can determine their present/reality, and their future and that fear is an interesting piece of information but that fear does not define the person. Surprising to me, is the number of 30, 40 and 50-somethings, who haven't made it through this hoop. And fear runs their lives. Suggestions for clients: Chat with people you know who appear to have made it through this hoop and ask them what their turning point was. I hope that this was helpful. Thomas copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


Lesson #46 How do you coach a client who is a control freak?

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This, from a CoachVille member... Hi Thomas: "How do you coach the client who is a control freak? Despite lost friendships, complete overwhelm, missed business opportunities and a depletion of their emotional reserves, the client refuses to relinquish control."

Some ideas... Step 1. Verify the label. Is this person really a control freak, or is it something else? The dictionary defines a control freak as "One who has an obsessive need to exert control over people and situations." Which isn't really that helpful of a description. Before I accept this label, I do some verifying with the person. For example, someone labeled as a control freak could, in fact,...

Be a perfectionist (in either a healthy or unhealthy way). Have very high standards. Have a very different way of doing things. Have a very big project/picture.

Step 2. Discover the source. What's behind the behavior? A person can be a control freak for a number of reasons. These include:

They feel that they cannot afford the loss of power because with power comes safety and safety/protection is everything to someone like this.

They more fully comprehend the consequences of things going awry, thus they assert their control in order to protect the outcome/situation.

They have nothing more compelling to do, so they try to control/protect/manage what they do have access to or influence.

Their self/emotional identity is tightly wrapped up in the role (parent, protector, manager, creative, etc.); they can't afford to 'lose' that identity/role.

It's just a bad habit. They learned it from somewhere and no one showed them an easier way to live.

They are surrounded by (and likely attracted or created) folks/staff//family who do NOT perform/interact/deliver as they are 'supposed to.' So, the control freak behavior is warranted, yet they are both the arsonist and the fireman, so it's an endless, justifiable cycle. Step 3. Shift the paradigm.


Incremental attempts aren't usually enough to get the control freak to lay down their weapons, given how deeply imbedded this behavior is in their psyche. You can try, but I sure never had any luck. Here are some things that I have found DO work however, and they usually have to do with shifting one's relationship to aspects of life. You want to give the client a chance to reorient themselves. I would state these in question form:

How sustainable is the way you are working on that?

Would you like to restructure the situation in order to reduce the stress to you?

How flexible is your relationship with risk?

What if you really could afford the consequences of failure?

What, exactly, makes this matter so much to you?

What commitment do you have that causing this level of dedication?

Are you in panic mode? If so, why?

What part of you is telling you to try to very hard?

At what point will you get that none of this is nearly as significant as you think it is?

Are you a perfectionist or do you just enjoy controlling the behaviors of others.

Do you know why you cannot let people just be themselves?

What is worth this level of stress?

Who taught you to get through life in this way?

Is there a way to insulate yourself to afford the mistakes or non-performance of others?

Do you know why you are so focused on controlling your environments?

What shift would you need to make in order for none of this/them to matter to the degree that it does? copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


Lesson #47 How do you coach a client who has unrealistic expectations?

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This, from a CoachVille member... Hi Thomas: "How do you coach the highly sensitive and spiritually aware client who has. unrealistic (to me) expectations. Frequently distracted and without structure. Results are highly variable. Varies from high sensitivity in reading people, to highly naive actions."

Some ideas... Yep, some folks have their heads in the clouds and their feet in quicksand and their arms open for possibility. Life is one big stream of consciousness where reality is what you manifest it to be, and problems are somebody else's. And where life is perfect, so we can all just hold hands and enjoy the stress of having nothing yet being aware of everything. Hmm, didn't I teach a course on that recently? Maybe not. Okay, so I am exaggerating here; please forgive. But I have to agree with our coach's description above; some folks are living in a world in a galaxy far, far away. And, more power to them! is what I say. If that provides you meaning, go for it baby, and enjoy the ride because the destination is probably irrelevant. And, that said (I'm probably just envious of those with a 00000 ZIP CODE), here are some practical things to do with this type of client...

Verify with them that they are a 'possibility/abundance' thinker. (As compared to the highly practical/logical/linear thinker.) Personally, I believe that it's great to be both. Where folks get into trouble is when they get fixated on one way or the other and can't seem to do both concurrently. They almost feel that it's disloyal to themselves and to the universe to be practical. Sounds like escapism to me.

Verify that they are comfortable with, and can afford, an 'absence of' real-world results. Again, just make sure that they know that you know that their approach to living/succeeding is fairly creative and doesn't have the proven track record of more more linear/practical approaches. Again, I feel clients should be able to live their lives and business any way they wish and to go for success using as radical a strategy as they wish. And, for my own safety and integrity, I always want to make sure they understand my view of how the strategies/approaches tend to work out. That way, I've educated them with the facts which makes me


feel good/clear/safe; they can then proceed as they prefer.

Validate their spiritual approach if you can. As spirituality enters the business world and populates, how business does business will change forever. And, your client may well be on the leading, if not bleeding, edge of this approaching/thinking, even if their own business isn't working that well using spiritual principles or abundance thinking. Evolution comes in waves; they may be on one of the first boats. Give them credit for that.

Challenge the client to reduce their risks and/or develop a reserve. I'm into thinking positively, and I've got a pretty decent bank balance, so I can financially afford failure/risks, although some would say that the bank account balance I maintain is actually a 'drain of possibility' and I would probably agree with them on that score. (Was that a run-on sentence full of apparent contradictions? Sorry.) Yet the animal/survival part of me says "Hey, keep a bank balance so you don't 'need' possibility to pay your mortgage." I see possibility as a plus/bonus/source of pleasure in life; I am not comfortable needing possibility to get through the day. I am cautious about coaching clients who aren't willing to have a reserve.

Final comment I don't expect people to like or not like me. I don't expect to make money or not make money. I don't expect to live one more day or 50 more years. I don't expect people to be honest with me or to lie to me. I don't expect myself to be perfect or not be perfect. What happens, happens. I live my life the way I want to and in a way that is sustainable. That's all I can, or wish, to do. Expectations aren't going to help me iota in that regard. I am guessing that expectations are a vestige or symptom of need. I hope that this was helpful. Thomas copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


Lesson #48 How do you coach a client in a challenging marriage?

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This, from a CoachVille member... Hi Thomas, "I have a client who is in a second marriage, has married her complete opposite type Myers Briggs wise (she's INFJ, he's ESTP). She is extremely unhappy, and has resorted to anti-depressants to cope. Because she feels she already has one marriage failure, she is loath to leave this fellow. She is a wonderfully caring person, who is only just now with coaching learning to treat herself well. The marriage is a huge issue. She is stuck, and as a result, I feel stuck in my coaching of her. "I'd appreciate some suggestions."

Some thoughts...

Red Flag #1. Client is extremely unhappy. Red Flag #2. Client is on antidepressants. Red Flag #3. Loath to leave for fear of failure. Red Flag #4. Marriage is a big issue/stuck. Red Flag #5. You feel stuck.

Some more thoughts... I don't coach clients with more than one flag. I don't coach clients where a marriage is the focus or a blockage to the

clients own goals and accomplishments.

A final thought... I strongly believe that a coach must be a licensed therapist to have discussions about marriage and family dynamics. I'm happy to listen to the concerns my clients have in this area, but I gently let them know that it's beyond the nature of coaching and I ask if they are willing to work with a licensed expert in that area. My view is that some clients hope/think a coach can help them in psychological areas, and of course, that's not our thing. A coach is focused on accomplishment and advanced personal development. The client you are working with is beyond the scope and ethics of what a coach could/should be working with, in my opinion. Sure, we all have relationship issues and challenges. But when they are getting in the way of our ability to have a great life and/or reach our goals, then let's call in a marriage and family counselor. (Coaches and counselors/therapists often work concurrently with the same client; just in different areas.)


Coaches are not trained or licensed to offer the type of counsel that it sounds like your client needs. And to do so, would likely be breaking the law in the state in which you live. I hope that this was helpful (sorry to be so negative). Thomas copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


Lesson #49 How do you coach a client who has to be "right?"

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This, from a CoachVille member... Hi Thomas, How to you coach the client who must always be "right"...telling them anything, giving information or insight just won't get through-they have to think that they thought it all up themselves. And all they can to do is talk, talk, talk. It's like talking to an open fire hydrant. Yet the client tells me how much they appreciate my insights. What insights? The millisecond I get between their deep breaths? This is not coaching; this is just plain annoying. Please help.

Some thoughts... I am SO with you on this. For two reasons. One I empathize. Two, I recognize myself as someone like that who is so busy convincing, creating, cajoling, proving, compensating, evidencing, showing up the other person, criticizing, scoffing at, influencing and all the other flavors of "being right." What I would like to do is to share with you a couple of observations that may help.

Some folks have a need to talk and the percent of talk to listen time can range between 100/0% to 70/30%. It would not occur to them to listen more than they talk. It's just not in their awareness. When they see someone or someone calls, it's an automatic trigger to get into talk/impress/convince/prove mode. In their defense, they simply have no choice or awareness. They cannot stop themselves.

Some folks have only a single outgoing cable from their mind to your ear. The notion of collaboration is as foreign to them as a Tony Robbins' humility course. It just doesn't compute.

Some folks so need to be important/vital/intelligent in their mind and in yours, that they are compelled to speak as a form of compensating for doubts and fears. Again, they don't really have a choice; they could and should be aware o this dynamic, but they'll still slip into character.

Remember, men have been stereotypically/commonly raised to be 'right' and women to be 'good.' Duh! Traditionally, men simply cannot afford to show weakness, be vulnerable, be incorrect or look stoopid because that puts them lower down on the food chain so they can't propagate their little genes as bountifully. Survival of the rightest, so to speak. So, you can fight this whole "right" thing, or you can realize that it's just a part of evolution. Guys are getting a clue about this entire "problem." It's just taking some guys longer to get it than others.


Some phrases you can use/adapt... That said, here are some things you can say or ask that might work. (They have worked with me when someone asked them to me, and they've worked when I've used them with the righteous; at least it got their attention. Just note that it often takes 6 or 12 months for the client to make a significant change in their area, given how hard wired it is. And, note, that some of the questions/comments are a tad edgy. Ask them nicely and you can probably get away with most of them. If you've got a charge to your voice, they won't reach the client's brain.

Bob, are you aware that you spend a lot of our coaching session trying to convince me of how intelligent you are?

Bob, I'm used to having 2 way conversations with my clients. Why are you dominating the conversation?

Bob, do you feel it would benefit you to master the skill set of being collaborative in your relating style with others?

Bob, you're telling me things you already know and things that I don't really need to learn. Why is that?

Bob, is your biggest fear that you're ignorant?

Whoa, Bob, why are you trying to convince me?

Why do you talk so much Bob? What are you hoping to gain from that volume?

Bob, are you here to impress me ad nauseam or to learn something that will change your life?

Bob, am I the only person in your life who really listens to you?

Bob, before we go any further I need you to make a simple change in your communication style. I need you to come to the call as a Curious George, eager to look, think and learn. What you've been doing is coming to the call as a Talking Timothy.

A final thought... When/if you can reach a client like this and have them see their unconscious m.o. (modus operandi), and they can see how this has gotten in their way to success, you'll have made an extraordinary difference. And, I mentioned earlier, most clients will take 6 to 12 months to make progress in this area. I hope this was helpful. Thomas copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.



Lesson #50 How do you coach a client who has no energy, sparkle or zest?

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This, from a CoachVille member... How do you coach a client with no energy, sparkle or zest, and the flatness is something they are aware of and want to change but they can't identity a goal/passion that gets them excited enough to change their basic style?

Some thoughts... I know exactly what you mean. Some folks are genetically coded in monotone I think... And I have some thoughts and suggestions about this....

Not everyone has the peppy/passionate gene. Don't hold it against them, and ask them not to hold this against themselves as well. Some folks are just mellow yellows.

Some folks are peppy on the inside but it doesn't show on the outside. I'm VERY peppy on the inside, but fairly flat on the outside. It's important to know that some folks live their life more 'inside themselves' than outside/visible. So it can seem like they are a Sleepy Steve, but in fact Steve feels, to himself, more like a Stupendously inSpired Stevie, even if it doesn't show on the outside to the casual observer.

Some folks have just plain given up on life, themselves, others and the notion of possibility. They are redesigned to the status quo. Maybe they tried to follow their bliss several times but found little more than blather. Justifiably, they gave up. They've lost hope, or faith, or best. Sometimes therapy can resolve this; sometimes, it's a transformation program like Landmark that 'wakes' a person. Sometimes, it's a profound spiritual experience or event that precipitates that experience.

Some folks are severely tethered by their cultures/upbringing. The notion of being passionate about anything other than your family is not culturally acceptable.

Some folks have never had an experience of being passionate so they don't know what that is. After all, how can one become passionate about reading if they've never seen a book or learned how to write?

Some folks are just trying to get through the day.


And passion is a luxury that they cannot afford. Keeping on, keeping on.

Some folks have never met someone who is passionate. Usually, it takes an experience of someone else who is passionate to 'get it' that this is a viable way to live.

Some folks have yet to find the 'right thing' that gets their juices flowing. The key here is experimentation. The more a person experiments, they greater chance that synchronicity and serendipity will occur.

Some folks are just hanging out with the wrong crowd. Some crowds are negative; other crowds are positive.

Some folks don't have their needs met enough to be able afford passion. Get them into the Personal Foundation Program. That's a great start.

Some folks are so consumed by clutter, tolerations and shoulds, that they simply have no energy to invest in something that would excite them. Clutter, tolerations and shoulds drain the life right out of people. Focus on resolving those and the energy level almost always increases, often dramatically.

Some folks are stuck in the rut of working at a job they don't like or watching television every evening. Television is a drug, and it's hard to get passionate when you're on this type of drug.

Some folks are clinically depressed or have psychological damage. Which is why it's essential that every coach know a gifted therapist and psychiatrist for referrals.

Final thoughts FYI, I never try to 'get a client to become passionate' even if they say they want to become passionate. If they are not, they are not. What I do focus on, however, is the quality of their life. We'll work on their job, lifestyle, interests, dreams and wishes. Eventually, as they elevate, a passion finds them. I hope that this was helpful. Thomas copyright 2002 by coachville.com. written by thomas j. leonard. all rights reserved. coachville member use only. no distribution.


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How do you coach a · 2005. 7. 1. · My thoughts... When I was in college I worked for two temp agencies, AccounTemps and Kelly Girl (now Kelly Services), on hire as a bookkeeper/accountant