Inventor of Suction Cup Shoes

Chippendales Monday Afternoon Special

“TTTAEAME JCABOB!!” “How dare you say that about Robert Pattinson!”

“Get these rats off of me!” Tried to Dress Himself Wharton’s Finest The College’s Finest

Last Seen in 1997 Ape Lincoln Demonica Schechter “What do you mean ‘Gia’s closed?’”

“Turn around. You need to turn around. Ah, nevermind.”

Cannot Be Shown For Legal Purposes

Ethnically Diverse Stock Family Photo

Dan “A Little to the Right” Weinblatt

Homecoming 2011 Since 1899

Editorial Staff

Volume LXXXVII Homecoming 2011 Issue Two

Editors-in-Chief:Sean Kelly ‘12Jonah Lustig ‘13Sam Pasternack ‘13

Executive Editors:Andrew Piskai ‘12Raj Gopal ‘13Daniel Weinblatt ‘13Lance Wildorf ‘13

Managing Editors:Matt Wetherell ‘12Sarah Schlein ‘13Hayley Brooks ‘14Naomi Mae Shavin ‘14Justin Starr ‘14

Associate Editors:Arielle Wolfson ‘12Michelle Kaplan ‘13Monica Martin ‘13Nabil Mehta ‘13Sandra Rubinchik ‘13

We put the ‘Fun’ in

Copyright Punch Bowl 2011. Please do not distribute our material without our written consent, or we’ll take your nose and never give it back.

It’s hard to imagine a world without SAC …until you walk past 40th street and suddenly you realize that beyond that mystical barrier lies a world where people don’t spend all their free time listening to Coldplay and think throwing toast at cheerleaders is just mean. But that world is dark and smells like people who don’t

read Pitchfork. Thankfully, we’re happily entrenched in our collegiate fantasy, where the debt accrued from years of overspending on “Thors and Whores” costume parties can be erased in a heartbeat. So thank you, SAC, for reminding us that there are no consequences in college. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

$AC Informant:Sam Bieler ‘12

Brovangelist:Steven Green ‘12

Graphics & Layout Editor:

Monica Schechter ‘14

Warren Kaveman Jones ‘14Jamie Picano ‘14Shelby Rachleff ‘14Roy Weiss ‘14Pallavi Bakshi ‘15Suvadip Choudhury ‘15Laura Doherty ‘15Tarek Elsayed ‘15Daniel Gelfarb ‘15Rob Golden ‘15Jovonnie Gonzales ‘15Michael Kandel ‘15Hanson Lee ‘15Hamza Qaiser ‘15Edoardo Saravalle ‘15Daniel Yellin ‘15Kira Simon ‘15Sandhya Thiyagarajan ‘15Theodor Trampe ‘15Varun Prabakar ‘15Zola Ray ‘15

Spoons:Vincent Inverso ‘12Renn Karageorgieva ‘12Matt Mildenberg ‘12Christophe Lerais ‘13Amy Li ‘13Keith Rush ‘13Evan Spiller ‘13Josie Elias ‘14Julia Hurley ‘14

Homely Comers,

They say home is where the heart is, and if so, then I must have multiple hearts across the South Pacific. For you, home is probably in New Jersey or Beijing. But never forget, for four years of your life (or five- got love for my superseniors!!!), Penn was your home. And on this Homecoming weekend we honor Penn’s historic past, its underwhelming present, and its increasingly Asiatic future.

To the alumni: like tuition hikes and Jon Huntsman’s 3am phone calls, time is a force that no woman can stop. Homecoming weekend is a way to forget all the horrible things that time has done to you. Back in the good ol’ days, nothing could stand in your way; not wars, not the word ‘no’, and not Roe v. Wade. Life made sense and new music didn’t frighten you. Now, the glory days may be over, but your legacy lives on in the form of that brown stain you left on the ceiling in your room freshman year.

To the students: as we honor the past and drink our way through the present, we must also look to the future. Many of you current students will go on to illustrious careers in iBanking and evil, while others will go on to so-so careers in whatever it is that Comm majors do. But wherever you go, you must never forget where you have come from, because Penn also has excellent graduate-level education. Without us, you never would have developed such impressive critical thinking skills and irritating rashes. So in twenty years, when you’re back at homecoming, and sonny looks up and asks, “Why don’t I have any money in my college fund?” you’ll beam down at him proudly and say, “I donated all of our money to Penn.” Because there’s no better way to relive the past than to pay for it again and again.

...and again,

Amy Gutmann

Bowlman had grown weary. After pushing the crib across thousands of miles of wasteland, our three travelers had returned home.

Auk, perched on Bowlman’s shoulder for the entirety of the journey, wiped the sweat from his feathery brow.

“It feels as though we’ve been wandering for 35 years, Bowlman. I’m so glad we’ve arrived home. Luckily young Spoon is still asleep.”

At that moment, Bowlman felt a rustling from within the crib. Spoon had awoken.

“Why are we here?” cried Spoon.

“To bring out the inner-Thetan in all of us,” Bowlman pontificated.

The infant Spoon clarified, “No, why are we back here? We left this place years ago!”

Auk paused for a moment, put out his cigarette, and put his wing on Spoon’s shoulder. “Well there are times when you must return to your roots, young Spoon, to validate all of your work, and all the time you toiled in the darkness. If you are lucky, your efforts will not go unnoticed, and can impact the future. We came today to see if our efforts made a difference, and to see what has become of what we worked so passionately to produce. “

Spoon tilted his head. The gleam in his eye emanated a pure understanding of Auk’s words.

Spoon had but one question for his comrades. “Will there be booze?”

A Look to the Past

Classes through the Ages Fall 1773 PSCI 293: Tea Party PoliticsTopics covered will include tea-heav-ing, tea-throwing, and tea-bagging British soldiers.

Spring 1803 AFST 024: Intro to SlaveryBe prepared for a heavy workload.Fall 1849 ACCT 710: Graduate Level Pros-

pectingThere’s gold out there for the taking. We will learn to recognize Fool’s Gold. Cross-listed in Mining Department. Wagons available for purchase at House of Our Own Bookstore.

Fall 1858 ANTRH 233: Scientific RacismIn this course, we will analyze the differing skull sizes of various races to prove the superiority of caucasians. Course open to freshmen.

Spring 1888 CINE 001: What The Hell Is This “Movie” Thing?No seriously. You’re taking still pho-tographs and making them move on a screen. This isn’t natural. I really don’t like this. C’mon Chadwick turn this thing off.

Fall 1909 GSWS 231: Women - What Do We Do With Them?This semester we shall attempt to explore the convincing genetic evidence of the superiority of the male gender. Maximum enrollment: 15. No fat chicks.

Fall 1929 ECON 631: Our Booming EconomySociopolitical analysis of the decade’s prosperity. There will be a trip to Wall Street to apply the studies of the class.

Spring 1930 ECON 631: Advanced Shoe-ShiningWe’ll study the skills you need to give the American people a new deal! Must bring own shoes. There will be a trip to Wall Street to apply the studies of the class.

Spring 1934 RUSS 230: Stalin’s RegimeIn Soviet Russia, class takes you. Lectures will be recorded.

Fall 1945 PSCI 330: Eth-ics and War: The Atomic Bomb….They Were Totally Asking For ItWhat? They were!

Summer 1967 CHEM 419: Peyote and You - A Practical ApproachMeeting Info: Lab at the intersection of the ninth plane of existence and the canned food aisle. 4pm-Eternity.

Spring 1969 PSCI 250: World at War: What Is It Good For?Huh!

Fall 1974 CSCI 780: Video Game Development- Pong and BeyondA class for all the students out there who think, “I swear to God if I play Atari Pong one more time I’m gonna claw my eyes out.”

Spring 1990 MUSI 002: Vanilla Ice and the New Music RevolutionThe future of music is upon us, and such stars as Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, and Sir Mix-a-lot are here and here to stay.

Spring 2004 PSCI 204: Ethics and War: The Iraq War….They Were TotallyAsking For ItWe’re pretty sure. They had weapons of mass destruction. Shut up! What do you know?

Fall 2010 PSCI 293: Tea Party PoliticsTopics include rabble rousing, effigy burning, and Ron Paul fetishizing.

Spring 1801 BIO 121: Modern Medical TechnologyLeeches, leeches, and more leeches.

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rejected Penn Fight Songs

failed conversation starters

rejected fight songs

As the winter months progress And you shiver in the cold. Midterms bring you stress. Your dorm room’s filled with mold. There are hobos in the street Frozen to a bench. Their eyes express defeat And you can smell the stench. Though cheesteaks, Phillies and stab-bings deter Thank God we’re not in New Hampshire

The Original Redand Blue

Come all ye rich legacies now A plethora of Jews,

Lift up your skirts and blouses For the Royal Red and Blue Harvard may be smarter And Yale is probably too

But they’re all probably virgins So let’s get drunk and screw.

Hurrah, hurr ah Pizzeria Hurrah for the social and true.

Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah, hurrah Hurrah for hangovers and Jews!

Do a Speedball- 80s version of Drink a

Highball

Do a Speedball at nightfall Be sure that you hit a vein

For tomorrow may bring sorrow So tonight, let’s all be Gay!

Tell the story of Glory Of Arrhythmia

Do a speedball and some Molly Here’s a toast to weird old men!

Thank God We’re Not in New Hampshire They’re a polyp on our nation They caused the recession Our gross northern mutation I pray for their secession. Our hatred for them’s fierce We can hardly stand it Nice job with Franklin Pierce We won’t take him for Granite. Really? That’s your nickname That shit is weak for sure. Even New Hampshire

Wants to get the hell out of New Hampshire You’re like the drugged up stepson We all want to ignore You’d like to think you’re fun. But we know you’re Vermont’s whore. I don’t know why all of Dartmouth doesn’t transfer. Seriously, like really, piss off New Hampshire.

P for Pennsylvania

P for Pennsylvania P for Pass the ball!

P for Play your best! P for Passion!

P for Paternity Test! P for Parent!

P for Pete picked the kids up from school. P for Pete, yes, the Pete who used to work for me.

P for Physical custody should be split 50/50, I can’t just see them on Sundays.

P for Please let me see my kids.

Alumni Night OutThe alumni are back in town, and reliving their college glory days.

But Penn ain’t the same place it used to be...

Smoke’s Kamikazes

This isn’t howI remember it.

Grinding Blackout

Beer Pong

For the Kids:

A Coloring Page

Homecoming 2011 Since 1899