highconflict.pdf

8/18/2019 highconflict.pdf

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The Impact of Divorce on Children: Facts and Fiction

1 Over 1 million children are involved in new divorces each year.2 The percent of children living with only one parent grew from 12 in 1970 to 28 in 1996.2 Total number of divorced adults grew from 4.3 million in 1970 to 20 million today.3 Married population dropped from 72% in 1970 to 60% today.

4 Judith Wallerstein’s work of 25 years of interviewing children of divorce indicates thatchildren take a long time to get over their parents’ divorce.5 The most harmful and profound effects tend to show up as children reach maturity and

struggle to form their own adult relationships.6 Wallerstein reports that children of divorce tend to expect disaster and therefore often

create disaster. Conflict leads to flight. Children of divorce tend to make terrible errors inwhom they choose to have relationships with.

Time Magazine (September 25, 2000)

The majority of children have little emotional preparation for their parents’ separation and theyreact with distress, anxiety, anger, and disbelief (Hetherington, Cox & Cox, 1982; Wallerstein &Kelly, 1980).

Usually these crisis-engendered responses last about 1 to 2 years. (Hetherington & Clingempeel,1992)

In a study of parent-child communications about divorce, 23% of children said no one talked tothem about the divorce, and 45% said they had been given abrupt one or two line explanations.Only 5% said they had been fully informed and encouraged to ask questions (Dunn et al.).

A major stressor for children is persistent conflict between parents following separation anddivorce (Emery, 1982; Johnston, 1994; Johnston & Roseby, 1997).

Putting children in the middle is more likely to be destructive than just the presence of conflict(Buchanan, Maccoby & Dornbush, 1991; Johnston, 1994).

The findings on the impact of post-divorce conflict have been mixed, but there is generalagreement that children are on average “worse off.” (Hughes, 1996).

In 1991, Amato and Keith examined the results of 92 studies involving 13,000 children. Theirconclusions indicated that children of divorce are more likely than children from intact familiesto have difficulty in school, have behavior problems, negative self-concepts, and problems with

peers. These children also have more difficulty getting along with peers.

In 1994, Amato pointed out that children from intact families and children from divorced parentsare more alike than they are different.

Hetherington (1993) found that 90% of adolescents from intact families were within the normalrange for problems and 10% had serious problems. The percentages for divorced families were74% of the boys and 66% of the girls were in the normal range, and 26% of the boys and 34% ofthe girls were in the problematic range.

Hughes (1996) concludes that although most of the children of divorce will not need serious


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help, more children from divorced families will need some type of help.

Compared with children whose parents stay married, children from divorce are:

7 Twice as likely to see a mental health professional.8 Up to twice as likely to have problems managing their behavior.9 Perhaps 1.25 to 1.5 times as likely to have problems with depressed moods.10 Twice as likely to drop out of high school before graduation.11 1.25 to 1.5 times more likely to get divorced themselves.

In spite of these facts, Emery concludes that:

12 Most children from divorced families are not at risk.13 Most children from divorced families are resilient, although divorce is incredibly painful

for resilient children, too.14 Even after separation, what parents do is the most important determinant of whether

children are at risk or resilient.

Emery (2004)

Kelly and Emery (2003) report that the extent or risk for children of divorce is at least twice thatof children in continuously married families. Although 10% of children in continuously marriedfamilies have serious psychological and social problems, as measured by objective tests,estimates are that 20-25% of children from divorced families had similar problems (Hetherington& Kelly, 2002; Zill & Schoenborn, 1990).

Children in divorced families have lower academic performance and achievement test scorescompared with children in continuously married families (McLanahan, 1999).

Children of divorced parents provide less financial, social, human, and cultural capital to theirchildren compared to children with parents who remained married (Sun & Li, 2001).

Children from divorced families are more likely to have problems in their intimate relationshipsand are more likely to be divorced themselves (Amato, 2000; Chase-Lansdale, Cherlin, &Kierman, 1995; Wolfinger, 2000).

Kelly and Emery (2003) state that the evidence is that the majority of children of divorce are notgreatly harmed by their parents divorce, but they do suggest that children of divorce suffer long-term painful memories, feelings of loss, and a feeling of distress related to the experience of nosense of control over their lives following divorce.

Implications for Interventions:

… interventions are more likely to benefit children from divorced families if they seek to contain parental conflict, promote authoritative and close relationships between children and both parents, enhance economic stability in the post-divorce family and, when appropriate, involvechildren in effective interventions that help them have a voice in shaping more individualized


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and helpful access arrangements (Kelly, 2002).

… Programs designed to facilitate children’s post-divorce adjustment have been shown to have promising behavioral and psychological changes in both parents and children (Haine, Sandler,Tein, & Dawson-McClure, 2003)

… child-focused programs … have demonstrated significant reductions at follow-up in childexternalizing and internalizing behaviors and child self-esteem compared with non-treatmentcontrols.

Results from … studies provide support for the efficacy of child coping programs and parentingskills interventions in the prevention of mental health problems for children of divorce.Meaningful reductions in mental health problems for a significant subgroup of today’syouth could be achieved if such programs were widely available (Winslow, Wolchik, &Sander, 2004).

References

Amato, P.R. (1994). Life-span adjustment of children to their parents’ divorce. Future of Children: Children ofDivorce, 4, 143-164.

Amato, P. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62, 1269-1287.

Amato, P. & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and adult well-being: A meta-analysis. Journal of Marriage andFamily, 53, 43-58.

Buchanan, C., Maccoby, E., & Dornbush, S. (1991). Caught between parents: Adolescents’ experience in divorcedhomes. Child Development, 62, 1008-1029.

Chase-Lansdale, P.L., Cherlin, A.J., & Kierman, K.E. (1995). The long-term effects of parental divorce on themental health of young adults: A developmental perspective. Child Development, 66, 1614-1634.

Dunn, J., Davies, L., O’Connor, T., & Sturgess, W. (2001). Family Lives and friendships: The perspectives ofchildren in step-, single-parent, and nonstop families. Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 272-287.

Emery, R.E. (1982). Interparental conflict and the children of discord and divorce. Psychological Bulletin, 92, 310-330.

Emery, R.E. (2004). The truth about children and divorce. New York: Penguin Books.

Haine, R.A., Sandler, I.N., Tein, J.-Y., & Dawson-McClure, S.R. (2003). Changing the legacy of divorce: Evidencefrom prevention programs and future directions. Family Relations, 52, 397-405.

Hetherington, E.M. (1993). An overview of the Virginia Longitudinal Study of Divorce and Remarriage with a

focus on the early adolescent. Journal of Family Psychology, 7, 39-56.

Hetherington, E.M., & Clingempeel, W.G. (1992). Coping with marital transitions: A family perspective.Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 57.

Hetherington, E.M., Cox, M., & Cox, R. (1982). Effects of divorce on parents and children. In M. Lamb (Ed.), Nontraditional families (pp. 223-288). Hillsdale, N.J.: Erlbaum.

Hetherington, E.M., & Kelly, J. (2003). For better or worse. New York: Norton.

Hughes, R., Jr. (1996). Internet in-service on children and divorce. The effects of divorce on children. Ohio-state.edu/famlife/divorce/effects.htm.


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Johnston, J.R. (1994). High-conflict divorce. Future of Children, 4, 165-182.

Johnston, J.R., & Roseby, V. (1997). In the name of the child. A developmental approach to understanding andhelping children of conflict and violent divorce. New York: Free Press.

Kelly, J.B. (2002). Psychological and legal interventions for parents and children in custody and access disputes:Current research and practice. Virginia Journal of Social Policy and Law, 10, 129-163.

Kelly, J.B., & Emery, R.E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives.Family Relations, 52, 352-362.

Kirn, W. (2000). Should you stay together for the kids? Time, 156, 74-82.

McLanahan, S.S. (1999). Father absence and children’s welfare. In E.M. Hetherington (Ed.), Coping with divorce,single parenting, and remarriage: A risk and resiliency perspective (pp. 117-146). Mahwah, N.J.: LawrenceErlbaum.

Sun, Y., & Li, Y. (2001). Marital disruption, parental investment, and children’s academic achievement. Journal ofFamily Issues, 22, 27-62.

Wallerstein, J.S., & Kelly, J.B. (1980). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. NewYork: Basic Books.

Winslow, E.B., Wolchik, S.A., & Sander, I. (2004). Preventive interventions for children of divorce. PsychiatricTimes, 21, 45-48.

Wolfinger, N.H. (2000). Beyond the intergenerational transmission of divorce: Do people replicate the patterns ofmarital instability they grew up with? Journal of Family Issues, 21, 1061-1086.

Zill, N., & Schoenborn, C.A. (1990). Developmental, learning, and emotional problems: Health of our nation’schildren, United States, 1988. Advance data from Vital and Health Statistics, No. 190. Washington, DC: NationalCenter for Health Statistics.

Healthy Pattern of Restructuring Following Divorce Most families experience three stages of adjustment following divorce.Teyber (1992)

1 Initial period of disruption life is chaotic, children and parents uncertain about the future,most painful stage

2 Transitional period


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parents try new lifestyles and reorganize family3 Period of renewed sense of stability

children feel more secure stable pattern of interactions and exchangesbetween homes

Dynamics of high conflict families“The parents are unable to make use of the divorce to resolve issues within orbetween themselves and are frozen in the transition. In effect, the form of thecustody dispute or litigation becomes their new pattern of relationship”(Johnston and Campbell, 1998: 7-12).

According to Johnson and Campbell in their book Impasses of Divorce ,

Impasses occur at three levels:4 the external,5 the interactional6 intrapsychic or internal .

The external level , the dispute may be fuelled by significant others (extended kin, newpartners or helping professionals) who have formed coalitions or alliances with thedivorcing parties and legitimized their claims.

The interactional level , the dispute can either be a continuation of a conflictualrelationship or the product of a traumatic or ambivalent separation of parents.

The intrapsychic level , disputes may serve to manage intolerable feelings engenderedby the divorce (humiliation, sadness, helplessness and guilt) in psychologicallyvulnerable parents (Johnston and Campbell, 1988: 12; Johnston and Roseby, 1997: 5-

22).

Most couple experiencing divorce will be in conflict during separation andthrough out the divorce. This period of conflict usually lasts from 1 to 2 years.

Furstenberg and Nord noted in one study that the most common pattern ofparenting two years after divorce is parallel parenting. Communication isminimal and usually focuses on access arrangements.

Characteristics of High Conflict Families .

1 Extremely distrustful of the other parent

2 A strong need to protect the child from the other parent: may verbalize alack of confidence in the other parent’s ability to care for the child

3 Unable to separate the child’s needs/feelings from their own. Inability toshield children from their own emotional pain or anger


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4 Unable to separate the child’s divorce experience from their own(“he/she left us”)

5 Poor personal boundaries ( “What I feel, is what you feel”)

6 Can not take responsibility for how their actions affect the children.(tendency is to blame the other parent and hold self blameless)

7 Unable to see any positive qualities in the other parent8 Project blame for the divorce on the other parent. Does not have the

ability to accept any responsibility for what went wrong in the relationshippre-divorce or post divorce (“The divorce is their fault. They never tried towork things out. He/she destroyed our family”)

9 Repeat litigation

10 History of verbal abuse or physical aggression

11 Can not disengage from negative perspective of other parent. Does notintegrate new information ( “That was a mistake, it will never happenagain” may hold belief that the other parent had some alternate motivefor positive behavior)

12 One or both parents may treat children as peers.

13 Openly shares negative information or adult information about the otherparent with children either overtly or subtly.

14 High degree of competitiveness (example could be how time is sharedi.e. parent asking for make up time because a child attended an eventduring their scheduled time. Keeping track of minutes /hours)

15 My refer to other parent in third person or by formal name “Mr. Smith”

Characteristics of High Conflict Personalities Few professionals may understand the attraction of those with personality disorders ortraits to the legal process. Yet a comparison of characteristics shows a perfect fit, whichmay explain why they increasingly show up in court as High Conflict Personalities.(William A. Eddy, LCSW, JD, 2004)

Characteristics of HCPs Characteristics of Court Process


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Lifetime Preoccupation:Blaming Others

Purpose: Deciding who is to blame , who’s guilty

Avoid taking responsibility Court will hold someone else responsibleAll-or-nothing thinking Guilty or not guilty are usually the choicesSeek attention and sympathy One can be center of much attentionAggressively seek allies Gather and bring many advocates to court

Speak in dramatic and emotionalextremes Argue or testify in dramatic and emotionalextremesFocus intensely on other’s past

behaviorsHear or give testimony on other’s past behaviors

Punish those guilty of “harming”you

Court is the most powerful place to impose punishment in our society

Try to get others to solve your problems

Many professionals will work hard to solve your problems

Its okay to lie if you feeldesperate

In reality, the court rarely acknowledges or punishes lying (perjury)

High Conflict Personalities begin to generate distorted information which fits how theyfeel. Their feelings create their facts.

Resources and Other Helpful Links

Websites

Divorce Magazine.com – www.divorcemagazince.com an informative online magazinethat provides area specific resources.

Divorce and children.com – www.divorceandchildren.com hosted by ChristinaMcGhee, a divorce coach, parent educator and parent coordinator this site offershelpful information and advice for parents on divorce related issues.

How to Divorce as Friends.com – www.divorceasfriends.com Bill Fergusson guides youthrough healing your hurt, resolving personal issues and ending conflict with your exspouse.

Our Family Wizard.com – www.ourfamilywizard.com is an interactive and secure meansfor separated or divorced parents to communicate and share information between

households. Eliminates the stress of verbal communication. Important information canbe accessed from any location.


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the concerns and problems children of divorce face. Topics are addressed in a fun,entertaining, and kid friendly way. Available for order online or parents can call toll free1-877-536-6672.

Collaborative lawyer.com - www.collaborativelawyer.com provides information aboutthe collaborative, cooperative approach to a legal divorce.

Colorado Divorce Mediation – www.coloradodivorcemediation.com award winninginformation by Colorado attorney-mediators on the child-friendlier and increasinglypopular and positive alternative to adversarial divorce: family mediation.

Recommended Readings

For adults:

Mom’s House, Dad’s House, making two homes for your child. Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. Acomplete guide for parents who are separated, divorced, or remarried.

We’re Still Family, what grown children have to say about their parents’ divorce.Constance Ahrons, Ph.D. By listening to the voices of these grown children, divorcingparents will learn what they can do to maintain family bonds. Also by Dr. Ahrons, TheGood Divorce.

Divorce Poison. Richard Warshak, Ph.D. An excellent resource for parents dealing withan angry, vindictive, and sabotaging ex-spouse.

Joint Custody with a Jerk. Julie Ross and Judy Corcoran. A funny title dealing with aserious subject. How to co-parent with an uncooperative ex.What about the Kids? Raising your children before, during, and after divorce. JudithWallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee.

Because Life Goes On - Helping Children and Youth Live with Separation and Divorce.Available at www.mentalhealthpromotion.com . This is a thorough and useful guide forparents and others trying to help children. Published in both English and French.

Divorce without Disaster. Janet Brumley. Collaborative law in Texas.

Stepfamilies. Dr. James Bray and John Kelly. Answers important questions of stepfamilylife.

How to Win as a Stepfamily. Emily Visher, Ph.D. and John Visher, M.D. Written by thefounders of the Stepfamily Association of America.

Taking the High Road; How to Cope with your Ex-Husband, Maintain your Sanity andRaise your Child in Peace. Nailah Shami – a witty, candid book which empowerswomen to rise above it all and develop a winning attitude following divorce.

Video for Children

Lemons 2 Lemonade: How to Handle Life When Things Go Sour Between Mom and Dad.


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Written and produced by two divorce experts, Stephen Loughhead and ChristinaMcGhee, this entertaining and informative 45 minute program gives children theinformation they most need when their parents divorce.Available at www.lemons2lemonade.com .

Books for Children

Dinosaur’s Divorce. Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown.

What Children Need to Know When Parents Get Divorced. William L. Coleman. A book toread with children going through the trauma of divorce.

It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. Vicki Lansky. A read together book for parents and youngchildren during divorce.

I Don’t Want to Talk About It. Jeanie Franz Ransom and Kathryn Kunz Finney. A storyabout divorce for young children.

Let’s Talk About It: Divorce. Fred Rogers. Famous Mister Rogers offers calm, caringsupport.

Mom and Dad Don’t Live Together Anymore. Kathy Stinson and Nancy Lou Reynolds.

At Daddy’s on Saturdays. Linda Walvoord Girard and Judith Friedman.

Two Homes. Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton.

Are We Divorce Too Daddy? Vickie Gunnells-Hodge. Encourages divorced dads to stayinvolved.

Missing Rabbit. Roni Schotter – A comfort to children who “go back and forth”,Schotter’s thoughtfully conceived story addresses the anxieties of very young childrenliving under joint custody arrangements. For ages 3-6.

My Stick Family. Natalie Reilly and Brandi Pavaese – this book emphasizes and reaffirmsthe resilience and constancy of love for children within the family, even after amarriage ends.

Documents

highconflict.pdf