Sudden InfantDeath Syndrome

Helping Children Grieve

This booklet was written forpeople caring for childrenwhose baby brother or sisterhas died of Sudden Infant DeathSyndrome (SIDS). Parents,grandparents, teachers, childcare providers, clergy and otherfriends and relatives can all helpchildren with the grief they feel.

When someone close to us dies,all of us grieve. We may showthat grief in many ways. Whena baby dies suddenly with nowarning, the whole family mustcope with all kinds of confusingemotions. Everyone is toucheddeeply by the baby’s death.Children, like adults, need away to express how they arefeeling. They need help andsupport. They need to feelloved and valued.

HelpingChildrenGrieve

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Everyone touched by thebaby’s death deals withmany feelings.People going through grief oftenfeel fear, anger, guilt, and sadness.Children have these feelings, too.It’s important to look at thesefeelings in yourself and be open tothem. Then you can help the childdeal with these emotions, too.

It was real scary. When my dad gotback from the hospital—that’s when Ifound out my baby brother died. Ididn’t know what SIDS was.

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Learning first hand that deathreally happens can bring fear.When SIDS happens, it’s hard foranyone to trust in life the way theydid before. Many things seem to beout of control. For example, childrenmay be afraid that they will die, too.Or that other people they love willdie. They need to hear that SIDShappens only to babies.

Children may also be afraid ofgetting sick. Parents may findthemselves calling their doctor aboutany sign of illness. It is normal toworry. As time goes by, you andyour children will begin to feel morein control and more confident.

Because the baby “left” the family,children may be afraid parents andother people they love will leave themand not come back. Children maywant to be close to their parents orother loved ones all the time. This isnormal. In time, children will becomemore comfortable about beingseparated for short periods of time.

..........................................................“It was real scary. When my dad gotback from the hospital — that’swhen I found out my baby brotherdied. I didn’t know what SIDS was.”Maria, age 8

Anger is very understandablefor anyone in grief.Some children may be angry at whatcaused the baby to die. Others maybe mad at everything and everybodyin general. Other children may showtheir anger by “acting out”—breakingthings and fighting.

A grieving child may also be angryat the baby who died. After all, thispain and grief was caused by thebaby’s death. It is normal for peoplewho grieve to have these feelings.

It is good for children to show theiranger in a safe way. Help the childtalk about the anger and why he orshe is mad. Let the child know thatit’s OK to be angry. Help the childshow his or her anger in a way thatdoesn’t hurt others.

..........................................................“I want to slug God because he tookmy baby away. And when I see mybrother in heaven, I’m going to haveto pound him. Then I’ll hug him,‘cause I’ve missed him so much.”Justin, age 8

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Children often feel guilt aboutthe baby’s death.Like adults, children worry thatsomething they did or thoughtsomehow caused the baby’s death.Any child with a new baby brotheror sister at times wish that the babyhad not been born. It’s very impor-tant to let children know that theirthoughts or “wishes” did not causethe baby’s death. You might wantto tell the child, “I know that some-times you got mad at the baby. Youmay have wished that he would goaway. But making a wish like thatdid not make the baby die.”

It’s important to tell children whatwe know about SIDS:

■ Nothing you did or thoughtcaused the baby to die.

■ No one knows when SIDS willhappen.

■ No one could have stopped it.

..........................................................“We were all asleep when ithappened. But we all kept thinking—maybe if someone had gotten upand picked him up. We just weretearing ourselves up about it.”Tim, age 15

Even very small children mayfeel sadness when a baby dies.A child may show this sorrow bynot being as active. The child may cryor be very quiet. They may seem“normal” at times and very sad atother times. All that is to be expected.

When should we worry that achild is feeling too sad, fearful,angry or guilty?Time is important. What might benormal in the first month or two afterthe baby’s death may be a reason toworry a few months later. Within fourto six months after the baby’s death,most children can begin to return to afairly normal routine.

Not wanting to play a favorite gameor see friends or do schoolwork isnormal at first. Later on, the childshould become more interested inthese things again.

Eating and sleeping may not return tonormal for many months. If the childis losing weight or having nightmaresall the time, counseling may be needed.

Teachers, clergy, doctors and otherfriends and relatives can help parentskeep a mindful eye on children whoare grieving.

.........................................................“I didn’t want to cry. I felt like a babywhen I cried.”Josh, age 8

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We were all asleep when it happened.But we all kept thinking—maybe ifsomeone had gotten up and pickedhim up. We just were tearingourselves up about it.

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We all talk abouthim. I think itmakes my parentsfeel better. It makesme feel better.

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It’s important to talk about thebaby’s death.Death can be hard to understand. Butnot talking about it can make it evenharder for children to cope with thebaby’s death. Don’t wait for the childto talk about it. Children may notbring up the subject because theyknow how much the parents arehurting. They may want to protectthe parents from pain.

It’s best to be direct and honest aboutthe baby’s death. With very youngchildren the death can be explainedin terms of what the baby can nolonger do. “When people die, theycan’t breathe or eat or play anymore.”

Even young children can be told thebaby died of SIDS. They can be toldthat nobody really knows why ithappens. Children will need to hearthat SIDS happens only to babies.Grown-ups and children like themcannot die of SIDS.

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No one is to blame for SIDS.Children should know that nothinganyone did or did not do caused thebaby’s death. It is very important toexplain this if the child was the first tofind the baby dead.

If the baby died in the care of a childcare provider, the other children presentwill need to hear about what happened.They will need help to understand anddeal with the baby’s death.

Some children may ask questionsright away. Others may not. There areways to encourage questions. You cantalk about your own feelings and thenask if the child has any feelings likethat. Or you can tell a story about howother children often feel. For ex-ample, “Some children worry that_____________. Do you have anyworries like that?”

Parents may have a hard time answer-ing the difficult questions childrensometimes ask. Other friends orrelatives can help.

..........................................................“It’s kind of hard to get it out of mymind. I told everyone in my classabout it. It helped to talk about it.”Susie, age 7

Couldn’t we just say the baby“went away” or “went tosleep?”Children often think you mean justwhat you say. If they are told the babywent far away, they may becomefrightened of going on trips. Andsince the baby died while sleeping,it’s important not to use the term“went to sleep” when talking aboutthe death. Children may becomeafraid to go to sleep or take naps.

Is it a problem to tell a childthat the baby went to heaven?For people who are religious, theirfaith can be a source of strength in adifficult time. It is good to remember,however, that young children can beconfused or frightened by somereligious ideas. Explaining that Godneeded the baby may make a childfeel that God is mean or selfish. Forexample, one mother told her childthat God took the baby so he couldsing in the Angel’s choir on Christ-mas Day. At first the little girl wasvery angry at God for taking the baby.And later, on Christmas Day, she washeart-broken that her baby brotherwas not singing in the choir at church.

First tell the child that the baby died.Then share your beliefs about death,using words that your child knowsand understands. Your clergy may beable to help.

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Should the children be sent tostay with relatives?Everyone in the family grieves whena baby dies. Having the chance to saygoodbye together is important forevery member of the family.

Some parents may want to havesomeone their child loves and trustscare for him or her at home. Or, thechild can spend some time with friendsand relatives during the day, if parentsneed time to themselves. The childcould come home each evening andbe in familiar surroundings. Beingseparated from parents for longperiods can be hard for children,especially during a family crisislike this.

Should children go to thefuneral?Going to the funeral is one waychildren can say good-bye to theirbaby brother or sister. It can be goodfor children to take part in this way,if they want to. Some children feelbetter if they can bring some smallgift—a drawing, a flower or somesmall toy—to the baby.

Before going to the funeral, a familymember or friend can explain to thechildren what they will be hearing andseeing. Someone can be with eachchild and answer their questions in asimple, loving way that suits their ages.

Going to the funeral may help yourchild. But you know your child best.

..........................................................“My dad’s friend knew we lost ourbaby. He gave us some wood and mydad and my brothers and I built thecasket for our baby. It felt good todo that.”Joe, age 12

..........................................................“Ask the person if they want to go tothe funeral or not. For me, it was agood thing to be there. But my sisterdidn’t feel comfortable seeing thebaby lying there.”

Ask the person if they want to go to the funeralor not. For me, it was a good thing to be there.But my sister didn’t feel comfortable seeing thebaby lying there.

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Before my brotherwas born, we allmade him a blanket.We trade off usingit now.

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There are many ways childrencan remember their brother orsister who died.Here are a few ways families haveencouraged children to show theirfeelings. Your child could:

■ Make his or her own memory bookof their baby brother or sister.

■ Draw pictures, or write a poemor story.

■ Make a photo album with picturesof the baby.

■ Make up a song.■ Tell a friend about the baby.■ Talk into a tape recorder and tell

about what he or she remembersabout the baby.

■ Write a letter to the baby.■ Do something special on the

baby’s birthday.

If your child is very young, you couldrecord your memories of how theyplayed together or things your childsaid about the baby and share themwhen your child gets older.

.........................................................“Before my brother was born, weall made him a blanket. We tradeoff using it now.”Richie, age 9

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We told our three-year-old girlthat the baby died, but she talksas if her brother is still with us.Why is that?Children under five years of age oftenthink of death as going away. Theydon’t understand that the person can’tcome back.

It’s important not to give her ideasthat she will have to unlearn in thefuture. You have told her that thebaby died and can’t come back.Someday your daughter will under-stand that. As she gets older, you cantalk again about the baby’s death. Shewill need more explanations as shegrows up.

My five-year-old seems to thinkthe baby’s death is his fault.What can I do?Children between five and six yearsold are just starting to understand thatdeath is final. But they still may thinkthat something they did or thoughtcould have caused the death. The bestthing to do is remind your child thathis wishes did not make the baby die.

..........................................................“I like to talk about my sister. I likeremembering when she was happyand laughing.”Tasha, age 6

When I told my seven-year-oldabout the baby’s death, he justwent out to play. Is that normal?Children between six and eight yearsof age understand that people die. Butthey don’t believe it can happen tothem, or someone they love. For thisreason, your son may not yet haveaccepted the fact that the baby hasdied. It may take a few days, or weeksfor the reality to sink in.

It’s important to talk about the deathwith him from time to time. It mighthelp to say that some children arefrightened by the baby’s death or thatsome children don’t seem to want totalk about it. Letting him know youunderstand what he may be feelingcan help a lot.

Sometimes my ten-year-oldseems very worried and afraidabout her own death. Othertimes she acts as thoughnothing has happened. Whyis that?Children between ten and twelveyears of age know that death is theend of life on earth. And your childnow knows that death can reallyhappen and that it can happen with nowarning. She understands that deathcould happen to her. She may soundunfeeling at times to cover up her ownconfusion and worry. Children of thisage need to talk about their feelingsabout death and the meaning of life.

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Children, like adults, have manyfeelings after the baby’s death.Anger, sorrow, fear and guilt arenormal feelings for people whogrieve. Children may show thesefeelings of grief in many ways.

They may “act out” in anger. Theymay keep to themselves. They mayget sick. They may “misbehave” atschool or at home. They may cry,whine or cling to you more oftenthan they used to. They may beafraid of being separated from theirloved ones. They may be afraid ofdying themselves. They may act as ifnothing has happened. They may notwant to talk about the baby at all. Allthis is to be expected.

There are many ways to help andsupport children in grief.

■ Talk about the baby’s death.Explain what you know about SIDS.Let children know they had nothing todo with the baby’s death.

■ Be open, honest and direct. This isespecially important when childrenask questions.

■ Make sure children are, in someway, part of the grieving the family isgoing through. Invite them to thefuneral if they want to go. Talk tothem directly about what is beingplanned and let them take part inplanning the goodbyes.

■ Share your feelings of grief withthe children. You do not need to hideyour tears, sadness or anger. Beingopen can help them show theirfeelings, too. Let them know that griefand all these feelings are normal.

■ Let children talk about feelings offear, guilt and grief. Help them showthese feelings in other ways, too.

■ Find special ways to rememberyour baby who died. Talk about thehappy memories you share as afamily. Your children will want toknow that the baby will always have aspecial place in your lives.

Things to remember

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Would you like to talk to someone about this?

Call the California SIDS Program800-369-SIDS (7437)

Adapted from a booklet entitled “Sudden InfantDeath Syndrome: Siblings and Grief” byNorman Lewak, M.D., National SIDS Foundation

This version was edited and revised byDonna Bell Sanders, MPH, ofEducation Programs Associates, Inc.

Illustration by Mike Powell

Front cover illustrations by Graphic Relief

2001

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