7/29/2019 Healing and Reconciliation with the help of the horses
at Relationship Ranch
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A Distinctive s
70 A Distinctive style . com
in a horse pen in Colorado, an angry young boy
cannot find the words to express his feelings to his
therapist. A stallion, the biggest, most powerful
horse in the herd, comes over and stands a few yards
away. The therapist looks at the horse and turns back
to the boy. "Sol has come over to help you. I under-
stand you cannot talk to me; will you talk to Sol?"
The boy nods; the therapist walks away. The boy startstalking to
the horse, then starts to cry. The stallion,
weighing over half a ton, walks over to the boy and
puts his head down to the bo y's level. After a while, the
boy stops crying, gets angry and throws a handful of
sand towards the fence. Sol moves back a few yards
and stands watching.
After a moment, the therapist returns to the boy. She
asks if he would like to try and get Sol to come back.
The boy nods; the therapist leaves. The boy throws
another handful of sand, then starts to cry. Sol returns,
puts his head down again and waits patiently until the
boy stops crying. This time, when the therapist returns,
the boy is calm and spent, and appears to be much
lessdistressed.
In that session, the boy learned that sadness was not
weakness and that he could get more of what he want-
ed when he was "real." By being in tune and acknowl-
edging his vulnerability, instead of masking his pain with
rage and anger, he would be better able to get the at-
tention he needed. Message: it is ok to be angry but may
not be safe for horses or people to be around you dur-
ing your anger.
Relationship Ranch in Louisville, Colorado, is run by
equine therapists Lottie Grimes and Nancy Hamilton.
They have found their four legged associates to be ex-
tremely effective partners in their therapeutic practice.
Almost everyone who owns a cat or a dog can share astory about
how their pets have tuned into their pain
and provided solace during difficult times.
Horses have those same sensibilities; highly sensitive and
astute instincts that serve them well as they assess
whether the human standing before them is a friend or
a threat. In their interview with A Distinctive Style,
Hamilton and Grimes shared several stories about
seemingly miraculous interactions between their hors-
es and their clients.
Unlike the patriarchal norm for most human cultures
today, a horse herd in the wild operates within a
matriarchy. An older, wiser alpha mare who has earned
the trust of the herd decides when the herd will move,
where they will stop to eat and, when food is scarce,
who gets first access to that food.
Rather than keeping their horses penned in separate
stalls, Hamilton and Grimes work to replicate a natural
environment for the herd. While this approach may not
be ideal for a number of reasons, the presumption is
that it helps the horses to be minimally affected by
their proximity to humans, allowing more of their
natural instincts to be available.
Linguist Deborah Tannen, a researcher of gender com-
munication styles, asserts that men and women tend
to use distinctly unique verbal cues and body language
in their communication. Such differences in style often
complicate and interfere with communication between
couples and within families in conflict. Horses have no
interest in mixed messages and subtext; they require
their humans to be very present, in the moment and
very clear in expressing what they want.
While humans often talk themselves out of their gut
feelings, horses rely on gut feelings that, over millions
of years, were critical for making the right survival
decisions.
This dynamic was very telling in the tale of a couple
that came for help in their relationship. The alpha mare
was very friendly with the wife but would not go near
the husband, nor would she allow any of the other
horses to come over to him. Later the wife confiden-
tially revealed to the therapists that she experienced
physical and emotional abuse in the relationship.
Couples and families who have come to Relationship
Ranch to work on their issues, go through exercises
with the horses, learning to lead and direct them, not
with a rope or bridle, but through intention and body
language. If the clients are unclear, unsure or posturing
in any way, the horses will not cooperate.
Grimes related a story
about a couple struggling with power issue
money management. Their history includ
band's presumption that he was more exper
better equipped to make the financial decis
family. Integrating a dialogue about mone
ment with a session directing a horse aroun
the husband couldn't help but notice that
ideas were more effective at getting resul
horse. This contributed to a more equal
power between the couple, leading to a
improvement in their relationship.
A horse will not do what you ask it to do u
is respect with the request. The client has
respect of the horse. Horses ask clients to m
they say, and say what they mean.
Clients have to try things out, see what wor
error is ok. Horses live in the moment, as th
to do, and they generally are forgiving as y
ing how to work with them. When you lea
open, present and respectful with your fa
have to be with a horse, you can experienceimprovements in your
relationships.
See Grimes and Hamilton in action in an am
on Nightline by clicking the video link above
how a couple close to the breaking poin
healing and reconciliation with the help of
of Relationship Ranch.
by mAtt kRAmER
www.gRounDwoRkcoLoRADo.com
www.mYBRAintHERApist.com/RELAtionsHip_RAncH
