and unloved I was feeling rather thansharing my intimate feelings withanother man.

The best place to start is by openingthe lines of communication. We startedby telling each other what wouldmake us feel more loved, secure,appreciated. I found it was easier tomake changes when my husband wasspecific about what he needed fromme. Even writing down a list can behelpful. The give and take of sharingour needs made us both feel heard andcared for.

Make time as often as necessary todiscuss these specific issues with yourpartner, and agree to do so without accusations, hurtful words, or yelling. If this is difficult, get the help of a professional marriage counselor who can guide your conversations to be productive, balanced, and focused on relevant issues.

My husband and I sought counseling as soon as we separated,and we still meet with our counseloronce a month. The healing we haveexperienced due to these moderateddiscussions is amazing.

3. Rebuild TrustWhen I speak about trust, I mean

not only that the hurt partner needs tobe able to trust that his or her spousewill remain faithful, but that both partners need to trust in the other’sability to make and sustain changes.

Both are necessary for you to feel goodabout your decision to reinvest in yourmarriage.

If you are the hurt partner, it isimportant not to hold onto that hurtforever. If your spouse continues tomake attempts at mending fences withyou yet you continue to punish andreject his/her affections, you will soonfind your spouse giving up the fight.

If you are the unfaithful partner,you can count on your spouse toexpect much more from you now. Youmay need to report your whereabouts more often, initiate lovemaking morefrequently, demonstrate more interestin your spouse and be more open withyour thoughts and feelings. More drastic actions also may be requestedsuch as changing your job or movingto another city. Rebuilding trust can bea difficult process. You may both needto make many changes to accomplish it.

I have made several changes inorder to rebuild trust with my husband.First, I cut off all ties with the otherman. This involved splitting up ourmusical equipment and closing thejoint checking account we had establishedfor the band. I gave up playing in theband and avoid going places where Ithink I may see him. I sometimes resenthaving to do that, but understand thatthe healing process involves mendingdeep wounds.

I also have committed myself tospending as much emotional energyon my marriage as I did with my affair.This is hard, because a ten-year-old

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marriage doesn’t typically hold theexcitement that a love affair does, but I’m constantly working at it.Additionally, my husband and I havehad a few intimate conversations aboutwhat pleases us sexually. This hasmade a tremendous change in our lovemaking and the enjoyment weboth derive from it.

My husband, too, is working on changing certain behaviors that led tomy unhappiness in our marriage. We’regoing on more dates together, he’smaking a concerted effort to care formy emotional needs, and he’s attendingchurch with me on a more regularbasis. Finally, we continue to seek marriage counseling together on amonthly basis. All of these things are making it easier for us to trust one another.

A Greater PurposeAs a Christian, I believe that God

gave us marriage so that we can sharein the joys and challenges of life withanother person. I also believe that Godlikes to help us live out His plan formarriage, and that He blesses thosewho seek His help. My husband and Ihave relied on God more than everthrough this healing process.

If you would like more resourcesor help finding someone in your areato talk to, Lutheran Hour Ministriescan help. Call 1-800-876-9880.

Katherine and her husband recently celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary.

HEALINGAfter An Affair

f o c a lp o i n t

Healing After an Affair

******My Story

I was thirty-two at the time and had been married for seven years. Ourmarriage was far from perfect, but wehad no major complaints and wereexcited to be new parents. My husbandand I were at a wedding receptionwhen a good friend invited me to singin a band that his brother was puttingtogether. That was something I hadalways wanted to do so, with my husband’s blessing, I went for it.

Two years later, I found myself inan affair with my friend’s brother, whoalso was married and had children. Mymarriage had deteriorated and I hadlet it happen because of the excitementand joy I felt being with this other manwho “truly understood me” and mademe feel so good about myself. Fivemonths after the affair began (andimmediately after my husband learnedof it), I requested a separation. I justifiedthe time apart as an opportunity to getmy head around what had happenedto my marriage, to give my husbandtime to turn himself into “the kind ofman I needed,” and to decide my nextcourse of action. Actually, the separationjust gave me more time with my newlove and less time with my true family.I became more confused and less ableto make a rational decision about anything in my life. I worried aboutthe impact the separation was having

on my three-year-old daughter, but Icouldn’t release myself from the holdthe affair had on me. I was lost.

Fortunately for me and our marriage,my husband refused to give up thefight. He resolved himself to winningme back. Four months after our separation began, I said goodbye to my affair and vowed with my husband to rebuild our marriage.

If you are being (or have been)unfaithful to your spouse, then youknow the anxiety that accompanies theongoing lies, cover-ups, and living twolives. You know the paralysis of choosingwho to keep and who to let go. If youhave children, you know the knot inyour stomach that tightens realizingyour child may discover what you’rewillingly doing to your family.

If you’re the hurt partner, youknow what it’s like to wonder whereyour spouse is and to feel sick at thethought of what he or she is doing.You know what it’s like to regretthings you’ve said or done becauseperhaps you could have preventedyour spouse from turning away from you. You know the constant upheavalof emotions—not knowing whether tocry, scream, pray or seek revenge.

These are natural and common feelings for those of us dealing with an extramarital affair. The goal of thispamphlet is to help you resolve thoseemotions and put the pieces of yourmarriage back together.

Choosing to StayWhen you and your spouse stood

up in your tuxedo and gown, you mayhave thought that everything wasgoing to be perfect. You were in loveand looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. By now you know that you both have flaws.

Marriage is the union of twoimperfect people in an imperfect world.Yet, marriage can be a safe haven fromthe pressures of the world—a placewhere you both find comfort, compassion, caring, and lasting commitment. Though you probablycan’t see it now, even your marriage is capable of being such a place.

Yet how can you see beyond all the pain that now lies between youand your spouse? How do you moveforward toward healing? I’ve found ithelpful to focus on the future throughthe eyes of forgiveness and love, in the way described in this quote:“Forgetting what is behind and reachingtoward what is ahead, I press on towardthe goal to win the prize”(Philippians 3:13-14).

If you choose to rebuild your marriage, know that this process can take many, many months. Don’tget discouraged if love, trust, and commitment don’t come as quickly as you’d like.

In order to heal following myaffair, I found that there were three necessary steps:

1. I acknowledged my wrongdoing and asked for forgiveness.

2. My husband and I addressed the issues that had led to unhappiness in our marriage and ultimately to the affair.

3. We work every day toward rebuilding trust.

1. Ask For ForgivenessDuring my affair, I remember

trying to pray and feeling cut off from God because of the magnitude of my sin. I felt dirty in His presence. I prayed infrequently or often not atall, which only exaggerated my feelingof isolation. When my husband and Iagreed to make our marriage work, Iknew in my heart that first I must getright with God. I am confident in thepromise from the book of 1 John in the Bible, that when I admitted that I was wrong, God willingly forgaveme. That gave me an immediate boostof energy and confidence, and thestrength to ask for my husband’s forgiveness, too.

My husband forgave me very readily because he recognized all thepain he had caused in our marriagethat had led me to seek comfort else-where. It might not be that way foryou. Your spouse is suffering the consequences of your choice and forgiveness may not come easily.Assure your spouse that you want tomake your marriage work. Treat yourpartner with love and understanding,

knowing that healing and forgivenesstake time.

If you are the hurt partner, youmay already sense that it will take a while to fully accept your spouse’sapology. Yet I encourage you toapproach the healing process in a spirit of forgiveness. Expressing toyour spouse that you want to forgivehim or her (even if you can’t rightnow) will give hope to both of you.My husband made it clear that hewanted to work through this so thathe could forgive me and we couldmove on together. Knowing he waswilling to forgive helped me feel likewe were on the same team.

2. Address the IssuesThe next step is to address the

issues that led to the infidelity. If youignore them, you leave the door wideopen for depression stemming fromunresolved anger and pain, and possiblyfor another affair.

No one can make you cheat onyour spouse. Yet your spouse can contribute to your feelings of isolation,discontentment, feeling unloved. It’simportant for both of you to acceptresponsibility for healing your marriageand to look for ways to improve yourself in the eyes of your partner.

For example, my husband recognized that he was not emotionallyavailable to me and that his negativeoutlook brings me down. I admittedthat I should have told him how isolated