HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 1

Handy Dandy Guide To North Malaysian Driving

S. Perai & P. B. Kemaman

Bandar Diraja Klang, SGR, MY & Highlands Ranch, CO, US

3 March 2018

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 2

Table of Contents

Introduction 3

Traffic Lights 4

Speed Limits 4

Other Signs 5

Which Side Of The Road Do I Drive On? 5

Turns 6

The Horn 6

Ecology 6

Intense Traffic 7

Eating 8

Vehicle Problems 9

Parking 10

Pedestrians 11

Acknowledgements 11

References 12

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 3

Introduction

North Malaysian driving is a delightful activity enjoyed by people all over Malaysia, primarily in

the north. This art form has its origins in the state capital of Penang, George Town, on the dense

island of Pulau Pinang in northern Malaysia since ancient times. Although it is a challenging task

which pushes the limits of human sanity, it can also be exhilarating and thrilling. This handy

dandy guide will explain all of the ins and outs of this activity, even for aspiring drivers outside

of Malaysia.

Figure I: Map of the state of Penang (in red) within Malaysia (in yellow)

From https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f4/Penang_in_Malaysia.svg/1200px-Penang_in_Malaysia.svg.png

Figure II: Image of George Town skyline for easier visualisation

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 4

From https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/03/Skyline_of_George_Town%2C_Penang.jpg/1650px-Skyline_of_George_Town%2C_Penang.jpg

Traffic Lights

Easy easy easy.

Green = Go!

Yellow = Go Faster Before Light Changes To Red!

Red = Check If There’s No Police And Then Go! 衝 LAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Purple = Light’s Probably Broken Because It’s Not Supposed To Be Purple, Treat Intersection

Like Free-For-All!

Speed Limits

See that number on the “speed limit” sign? That’s just a recommendation. Take that number,

multiply it by six, and use that as your new speed limit! It’s very simple. Try not to use your

brakes. Those only exist to hinder your progress.

Figure III: The realistic North Malaysian speed limit with this sign is approximately 300 km/h.

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 5

From http://www.seton.ca/media/catalog/product/canada/REGULATORY-TRAFFIC-SIGNS-W1194S17STDRAE-ba.jpg

Other Signs

“WHATEVER, SIGN. I’LL YIELD WHEN I WANT TO YIELD” (Neal) is perhaps the most

accurate response to seeing one of those signs on the road for an experienced North Malaysian

driver. In the North Malaysian style of driving, most signs are really just insignificant and

distract the driver from their task at hand. Therefore, it is likely safe to just ignore those signs for

the most part. One-Way Street? No U-Turn? Keep Left? Stop Sign? Who cares?

These aren’t exactly signs, but if you see barricades set up along the road, try to see how many

you can knock over! You could even try to compete against the driver next to you!

Which Side Of The Road Do I Drive On?

This is a question which has puzzled both Malaysians and non-Malaysians alike. Theoretically,

you would drive on the left, since that is the Malaysian standard for which side of the road to

drive on. However, since we are taking this concept up a level, you would instead drive on the

right side just to change things up a bit.

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 6

Of course, this usually isn’t done intentionally. The proper way would be to close your eyes for a

few minutes only to find that you’re on the opposite side of the road that you started on. If you

are learning how to drive like a North Malaysian but live in a backwards country like Canada or

Argentina where most people are supposed to drive on the right, drive on the left instead! Give it

a try!

What’s more, you can also drive on the sidewalk or in the emergency lane if you want to.

Turns

In most places, one would turn on their turn signals to signify that they are about to make some

type of turn. However, as a North Malaysian driver, it is your responsibility to leave those turn

signals on the entire time you are driving, even if you are not planning on turning.

If you are on the freeway and realise that you are driving in the wrong direction, feel free to

make a U-Turn whenever you want. As you learned in the previous section, it really doesn’t

matter which side of the road you drive on, so you should be fine.

For other turns, the important thing to remember is that you always have the right of way. Of

course, fellow North Malaysian drivers may also think that they always have the right of way,

but they’re wrong. YOU have the right of way.

The Horn

This one is really straightforward as well. As soon as you hit the road, don’t stop bashing the

horn with your hand, especially if the driver in front of you is driving too slowly for your liking.

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 7

This isn’t directly related to the horn itself, but you can also turn your headlights on and off

constantly at the car in front if they’re not fast enough.

Ecology

In 2017, Malaysians killed at least seventeen tapirs, fourteen leopard cats, three sun bears, two

binturongs, two elephants, and a tiger on the roads. Please don’t do that. There aren’t even tapirs

or elephants in Penang anyways. If your passion is running into animals with your car, there are

plenty mosquitos to go around I suppose. Also be careful to not hit a Hantu you see one. It

shouldn’t do any damage to Hantu, but you might anger it.

Sometimes you may find a king cobra inside of your car. That’s fine, don’t panic. Only a

non-Malaysian would panic. So don’t.

Figure IV: These are what elephants look like.

From http://www.zoonegaramalaysia.my/images/exhibit/elephant/04.jpg

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 8

Intense Traffic

All traffic in North Malaysia is intense traffic. Think it’s so bad in KL? Try George Town. It’s

like KL except with narrower roads and more angry cibais on the road. You will be stuck in

traffic for twenty-three hours a day with all of these fellow North Malaysian drivers. It is

recommended that you open your car window and begin shouting profanity at the people next to

you, as they will likely be doing the same to you. A hand raised out of the vehicle with the

middle finger extended is a commonly seen symbol. You should also complain as much as

possible about everything in your life. Don’t complain too loudly about the government with

your windows open though, because then you might get arrested for “disregarding racial

harmony,” or “subverting state power” (but if you live in a democratic and free country you

should be fine).

What you can also do is leave your car, go down to some restaurant and have lunch for an hour

or two. Rest assured, when you return, nothing will have moved. What you must be wary of is

that motorcycle gangs will attack your car and give it a flat tire so that you’ll be stuck there for

even longer and then they can rob you of your belongings.

Also, if or when you finally do start moving, change lanes every three seconds. It’s what all the

locals do. It is also strongly recommended that you keep a maximum of two centimetres length

between your car and the one in front in order to pack more cars onto the road.

Figure V: Narrow roads in Malaysia

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 9

From https://assets.nst.com.my/images/articles/12ntparko_1515719343.jpg

Eating

Driving is one of the best times to eat. A real Malaysian would never ever miss out on a chance

to eat. Take the time to eat and drive, and enjoy delicious Malaysian dishes such as Nasi Lemak,

Satay, Roti Canai, Bak-Kut-Teh, Rojak, Bakmi Goreng, or a good curry while you’re at it. If in

the event you have a food allergy, stop what you’re doing and go to a hospital or use an EpiPen

because safety should always be your number one priority.

Figure VI: Nasi Lemak

From https://www.sbs.com.au/food/sites/sbs.com.au.food/files/styles/full/public/nasi-lemak-p119_0.jpg?itok=RQPpHrQJ&mtime=1484882404 *It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 10

Vehicle Problems

Malaysia’s very own Proton Cars, created by dictator Mahathir, was always (never) state of the

art, until corrupt Najib sold it to China (now Proton Cars tak boleh). Even then, you should still

be on the lookout for significant issues. If the wheels fall off and cause your automobile to stop

moving, you should probably fix that. If your car is making strange noises, something’s probably

wrong, but until your car stops running, you can ignore it. If your exhaust pipe is clogged with

something, you should unclog it. If you forget to close your petrol cap, no worries. Just close it

when you get home. If it seems too hot inside the car even with full air conditioning, it’s

probably not a vehicle issue, just the climate in general. If you can drive a stick-shift, then good

for you, you’re cool.

Parking

If you pull into a parking lot and there are still drawn-out spaces available, then good job! Just

park in that space. It doesn’t matter if you go in at a weird angle and break off someone else’s

car doors by accident, as long as you’ve managed to park.

This process is much harder if you can’t find one of those drawn-out spaces. You have a few

options. You can park in the centre of the road or freeway and just have all of the cars swerve

around it, which usually works. You can also just double-park in the parking lot in front of

someone else’s car so that they can’t get out. Write your phone number on a paper and tape it to

your windshield like a good Malaysian. When the people you blocked off need to leave, they’ll

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 11

just call the number on the sheet of paper you left and politely ask you to temporarily move your

car so that they can get out. It’s great how North Malaysian society works out that way.

Figure VII: The red car is double-parked

From http://www.themalaymailonline.com/uploads/articles/2015-08/1308-drive-double_parking_tips.jpg

Pedestrians

If you’re a pedestrian, just jaywalk. It really doesn’t make a difference if you patiently wait at an

intersection if you are surrounded by North Malaysian drivers, nobody is going to stop either

way.

Acknowledgements

We would like to acknowledge the people of Penang for driving like idiots and acting like

imbeciles on the road.

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*

    HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 12

References

[Penang in Malaysia]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 03, 2018, from

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f4/Penang_in_Malaysia.svg/1200px-Penang_in_

Malaysia.svg.png

[Skyline of George Town]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 03, 2018, from

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/03/Skyline_of_George_Town%2C_Penang.jpg/

1650px-Skyline_of_George_Town%2C_Penang.jpg

[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from

http://www.seton.ca/media/catalog/product/canada/REGULATORY-TRAFFIC-SIGNS-W1194S17STDRA

E-ba.jpg

Neal, C. L. (2013, July 03). Famous Last Words 2. Retrieved March 03, 2018, from

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWqW3HWJsr8

Robertson, M. (2017, December 27). From leopard to sun bears: Malaysian motorists are killing our precious fauna.

Retrieved March 03, 2018, from

http://www.themalaymailonline.com/malaysia/article/from-leopard-to-sun-bears-malaysian-motorists-are-k

illing-our-precious-faun#vKfdyuQ7OkFhEyGv.97

[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from

http://www.zoonegaramalaysia.my/images/exhibit/elephant/04.jpg

[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from

https://assets.nst.com.my/images/articles/12ntparko_1515719343.jpg

[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from

https://www.sbs.com.au/food/sites/sbs.com.au.food/files/styles/full/public/nasi-lemak-p119_0.jpg?itok=RQ

PpHrQJ&mtime=1484882404

[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from

http://media.themalaymailonline.com/uploads/articles/2015-08/1308-drive-double_parking_tips.jpg

*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*