10self-help

1Feeling overwhelmed by the pressures oF being a mother? Zoe McDonalD Finds expert advice and easy solutions

de-stress your life small steps to

In an Ideal world You’d have time for meditation and yoga plus regular time out to dissipate anxiety and worry.  In realIty  You feel wrung out. the solutIon  ‘Parenthood brings with it a slew of worries, as well as huge pressure on your time,’ says Linda Blair, clinical psychologist and author of The Key to Calm (Yellow Kite, £14.99). ‘But effective self-calming strategies don’t have to take huge chunks out of your day. Try this super-quick daily mindfulness meditation. It takes all of four minutes first thing, and sets you up for a serene start.

‘Sit up in bed and choose an object in the room – it could be an item of clothing or furniture, something outside your window – it doesn’t matter what. Breathe in slowly through your nose, hold the breath for a few seconds, and breathe out slowly through the mouth. Do this 30 times, while studying the object and describing it to yourself in detail. This all takes less than four minutes, and for that small investment you’ll feel calmer, and you’ll “set” your brain for the day ahead so it’s less likely to flood with emotion.’

Tense and taut?

4Overwhelmed?

3Achy and sore?

25Feeling too old?

Sleep deprived?

In an Ideal world You’d have a deep tissue massage every week to help maintain your Pilates-perfect posture. In realIty You spend your life lifting, feeding, cuddling and, if you’re a working mum, slumped over a desk.  the solutIon Sammy Margo recommends using daily triggers to remind you to counteract the bad habits. ‘Every time you take a phone call, for example, do ten forward shoulder-rolls, and ten back. Or every time you feed your baby, try to sit up and engage your core abdominals, which will help to support your spine; then do a quick 

blast of pelvic floor exercises.’ Sammy also recommends changing 

the way you move with your baby. ‘Mothers tend to move “around” their baby, hunching over them, and picking them up without thinking how they’re doing it. Instead, try to fit your baby to yourself. Use a feeding pillow for extra support and when lifting the baby keep him close to your body and your arms bent: lifting with outstretched arms is a recipe for back problems. When sitting, move your body to the back  of the chair and tuck your buttocks underneath to support your spine.’

In an Ideal world  You’d still have regular fixes of the giddy spontaneity that characterised life pre-parenthood. In realIty  You’re so busy with the daily grind you feel like you’re treading water just to get through the usual chores. the solutIon  Psychotherapist Val Sampson (valsampson.co.uk) works as a couples counsellor and has helped lots of clients work through the transition to new parenthood. ‘Sometimes you can be so busy with the practicalities of childcare that you forget the fun stuff,’ she says.  ‘The fastest way to reignite your sense of excitement is to engage your inner child and enjoy losing yourself in play with your baby. Playing Poohsticks, dancing to funny music, finger-painting – all of these are activities that can activate your inner joy and release endorphins to lift your mood.’ 

In an Ideal world  You’d be tucked up by 9.30pm every night, or a freak of nature who can survive happily on three hours sleep. In realIty  You rely on your evenings to catch up with life, and get woken up at all hours too. the solutIon  Sammy Margo, physiotherapist and author of The Good Sleep Guide (Vermillion, £10.99) says it’s clever timing and quality of sleep, not quantity, that’s 

important. ‘Psychological repair is at its peak between 10.30pm and 3am. So aim to be tucked up by 10.30pm most nights and, if you can, an hour earlier once or twice  a week. Trying your best to stick  to a routine bedtime and, where possible, wake-up time, will help regulate your body clock. When your bedtime and wake-up time vary wildly, you can end up feeling permanently jet-lagged.’

In an Ideal world  You’d have a PA, housekeeper and life coach at your daily disposal, helping you to order, plan and navigate your way through the day. In realIty  You’re feeling snookered by a spiralling to-do list, as heavy with banal daily demands – the endless washing, feeding – as it is with epic questions such as, ‘What does the future hold?’ the solutIon  The horrible thing about feeling overwhelmed is that it can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So you need shaking out of the ‘Where do I start?’ paralysis. ‘Get a big sheet of paper and a load of Post-it Notes,’ advises Amanda Alexander, founder of Coaching Mums. ‘Using the notes, write down every worry whirring around your head. Then create a section of the sheet to put all the things you could action. Choose a maximum of three that will have a big impact then identify a micro change for each that you can make now to help you tackle the bigger problem.’

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self-help

7Sluggish?

8Unfocused?

6 In an Ideal world You’d cut out all the pastries, cake, lattes, alcohol, and survive on a clean, Gwyneth-style diet. In realIty You rely on these pick-me-ups to cut through the tiredness and demands that motherhood places on your body and mind. the solutIon Nutritional therapist Lauren Gayfer (thefairyfoodmother.com) has help for those of us who just can’t quite cut out that croissant and coffee or chocolate fix. ‘You can try to temper the blood-sugar or caffeine spike they create by eating a small handful of nuts or seeds at the same time to lower their GI,’ she suggests. ‘Nuts and seeds are rich in essential fats, and will help offset the effects of stodgy treats that can leave you feeling sluggish. But swapping that second coffee for a peppermint or fennel tea will also help to beat the bloat.’

Gayfer also swears by a supply of good-quality, broad-spectrum probiotic supplements, explaining that often, bloating can be a consequence of not having enough good bacteria in the gut.

Flabby and out of shape? In an Ideal world You’d have a personal trainer to force you out of the front door (and childcare to facilitate your workouts, obviously). In realIty Those endless 24/7 mum-shifts mean your own fitness slips. the solutIon Personal trainer Lucy Wyndham-Read, creator of The LWR

Postnatal Weight Loss Plan (including her power pram workouts, which you can download at iTunes, £7.99), says the secret is thinking bite-sized. ‘While you’re pushing your buggy, scoop your abs in towards your spine, sucking your deep core muscles inwards, and hold for ten seconds before releasing. Do ten repetitions of this simple move, three times a day.’

She adds that little bursts of exercise (even two minutes here and there) will help to raise your heart rate and therefore

contribute to maintaining your cardio fitness. This could be something as

basic as two minutes of climbing stairs, or marching on the spot. Or if you’ve passed your six-week check, try doing Lucy’s mini

postnatal routine twice a day: ✦ 30 seconds of alternating knee lifts,

bringing opposite knee to elbow, keeping your tummy pulled in and your back straight;✦ 30 seconds of press-ups, leaning against a wall or work-top;✦ 30 seconds of sliding-up-and-

down squats, leaning into a wall;✦ 30 seconds of straight leg kicks, standing upright with your arms above your head, keeping your tummy pulled in and your back straight.

In an Ideal world You could flick a switch and restore your mental clarity. In realIty You flit from one thought to the next, forgetting things along the way. the solutIon Be kind to yourself and stop being so judgemental. ‘That “brain fog” feeling new mums get is the result of hormones that can linger up to two years after giving birth. Combine that with self-judgement and you’ll feel a failure,’ says Amanda Alexander.

Instead, she recommends, ‘Make a vow to be compassionate to yourself.’

She also suggests that you maintain links with all your non-mum friends. ‘This will invigorate your sense of your enduring, adult self and your ability to think like a grown-up.’

Her other failsafe is to get outside and get moving. ‘Increasing the oxygen flow to your brain and muscles will energise your mind, and getting outside will help shrug off the “meh” of domestic life.’

Download Amanda’s free ebook for mums, From Chaos to Calm, at coachingmums.com/freebook

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109 In an Ideal world You’d go out on a weekly date night, come home

and have great sex while your baby/children sleep peacefully. In realIty You can’t afford to go out or you don’t want to leave the children – and anyway, you can barely keep your eyes open past 8pm. the solutIon When it comes to physical intimacy, says Val Sampson, it’s important to remember that, ‘Anything is better than nothing. It may be that you are so exhausted you steer away from sex, but the problem with that is it often means you steer away from non-sexual touching too.

‘The solution is to be straight with your partner. Say, “I’d love to have sex with you, but I’m knackered. Can we just have a big hug instead?” It will help your partner to feel that you’re still thinking about him sexually.’ The other thing to note, she adds, is that, ‘Many women don’t feel like sex until they’re doing it, partly because their “desire trigger” is feeling desired.’ So that innocent hug might leave you wanting more after all!

Too tired for sex?

In an Ideal world You’d have an innate, Kate Moss-ish sense of everyday chic and the time to put make-up on, style your hair, iron that flattering top. In realIty You pull on the same jeans and Converse trainers, and high-five yourself if you make it to 10am without Weetabix – or worse – all down your top. the solutIon ‘You need to really know your style, so you can build a uniform from a few key items – with no room for mistakes, no matter how bleary eyed you are, or how up against it timewise,’ says Kelly Moseley, freelance fashion editor and stylist (kellymoseley.co.uk). Here are her tips for looking stylish when chasing round after a small child.

Frumpy and mumsy?

The Magic coaT ‘Because the right coat is like a superhero costume. It disguises many sins (nursery run in PJs? Guilty!) and makes you feel instantly pulled together. This year I ditched my parka for a more grown-up, grey mohair full-length coat. It’s my buy of the year and, when trying to get myself and my four-year-old son dressed and out the door, is a total lifesaver.’ gooD jeans ‘The foundation of every mum uniform: practical, a lasting fashion favourite, and flattering. What more do you need? Just make sure they fit perfectly.’The sTaTeMenT chunky kniT ‘Cosy, on-trend, and can be worn with every pair

of jeans you own. You could get dressed in the dark. But wear a tee under it – nothing worse than burning up and realising you’re only wearing a bra underneath!’Fancy FlaTs ‘There’s nothing wrong with Converse, but if they’re feeling a bit old hat then update your look with a retro racer by New Balance. Just as comfy, but they’ll earn you more fashion points.’ BoBBle haT ‘Currently having something of a fashion moment. Obviously, this is why I’m rarely seen without mine, and not because I’ve left the house in a rush with wet, unbrushed hair. No, that is definitely NOT the reason why…’

Five key pieces to avoid a fashion meltdown

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more tips for mums

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