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Suggested APA style reference: Russell-Chapin, L. A., & Bridgewater, R. B. (2009, March). Grief work: Its contributions to healthy living. Paper based on a program presented at the American Counseling Association Annual Conference and Exposition, Charlotte, NC.

Grief Work: Its Contributions to Healthy Living

Paper based on a program presented at the 2009 American Counseling Association Annual Conference and Exposition, March 19-23; Charlotte, North Carolina.

Lori A. Russell-Chapin and Rachel B. Bridgewater

Russell-Chapin, Lori A., is a Professor as well as the Associate Dean of the College of Education and Health Sciences at Bradley University. She is a licensed counselor, and consults part time at a private practice with her husband. Her research interests include grief and loss, clinical supervision, and divorce mediation. Bridgewater, Rachel B., is a master’s candidate in the Human Development Counseling program at Bradley University. She participated in the project, Grief and Loss across the Lifespan, and has presented sections of the material on a few occasions. Her research interests include grief and loss, expressive art therapy, and multicultural studies.

Loss, and its corresponding grief reaction, is a universal phenomenon that we

experience many times during our lives. Yet we do not often express those losses openly, or discuss them in depth. If expressing loss and grief were more widely accepted, people might develop better coping skills in which to deal with life’s expected and unexpected losses. Developing a grief skill set would allow each of us to live our lives more richly without as much fear, anxiety, and avoidance.

This article explores three themes necessary in the acknowledgement of loss and grief and the construction of a grief skill set. These include: basic beliefs, blockers that inhibit the healing process, and counseling interventions and skills that assist in our efforts to grieve.

Loss and Grief Basic Beliefs

When human beings allow themselves to love and attach to other living beings,

there are many benefits. Research suggests we live longer and are happier (Seligman, 2006). However, one of the possible risks of attachment is the ultimate experience of loss. This loss could take the form of death, divorce, developmental transitions, illness, and tragedy. Therefore the first important belief to explore is that love and loss are different sides of the same coin (Russell-Chapin, 2007). They are interwoven and embedded in one another. We cannot experience one without the other.

Another essential belief about loss and grief is that many of our feelings and behaviors during grieving periods are normal reactions to this very abnormal situation. It is paramount to healing that many of our grief emotions be normalized and accepted by self and others. Going hand-in-hand with normalizing grief reactions is to expect that during grief periods, chaotic events and perceptions will occur. Situations that usually could be handled with grace often become monumental and extremely stressful when

viewed through grieving eyes. Remember, this is normal. Grief can also be cumulative. If we don’t work through our losses, they begin to snowball. Each loss becomes more difficult and overwhelming (Russell-Chapin, 2007).

In addition to cumulative loss and chaos, there can be different stages of grief and loss. After observing common reactions of dying patients and their families over time, Kübler-Ross (1977) developed the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However she hypothesized that the stages are not always linear, and we can each cycle through them differently depending on the situation (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Each stage has unique behaviors but can often be predictable. It makes sense that there can be shock, denial, or anger when loss happens. Acceptance of the loss is an altogether different matter. How do we learn to accept our losses?

One of the ways we accept our losses, and perhaps the most critical loss belief, is to realize that it is possible to create personal meaning out of the loss. When we make meaning of our losses we are encouraging the healing process to occur. One of the constructs that helps in creating meaning is borrowed from the Greek term, anamnesis (Russell-Chapin & Smith, 2008; Smith, 2007). Anamnesis means remembering, and bringing the past into the present.

When we create meaning and allow for the past to come into our present, we also choose what parts and memories from our past we want to bring forward. This too can be healing. Our new present and future will certainly be shaped and influenced by our past. By selecting certain values, lessons, and traditions to continue, we take ownership of our past and present, often forgiving former hurts and thus honoring what has been lost.

Blockers to Grieving

There are many unhealthy methods we frequently use to suppress our grief

reactions. Often the grief is so painful that we would do anything to make those feelings of hurt, fear, sadness, and depression dissipate. The distracters vary depending on the person; but there are several common to many of us, such as spending too much money, working too hard, exercising excessively, and overeating. The list goes on and on. Be sure to notice the distracters used to push grief away.

Another common block to grief work is letting our bodies express the grief. When emotions are not acknowledged, our bodies tend to react and create illness. Somatic symptoms replace grief, as energy is focused on the body. For some, having our bodies become ill is more socially acceptable than our heart and spirit being ill. When dealing with grief, be sure to listen to bodily complaints. Many times if we do listen, our bodies tell us what the underlying or avoidant emotional need may be (Russell-Chapin & Smith, 2008).

Grief Interventions

There are countless methods to help us forge our new normal, reframe and

reintegrate our present and future (Piper & Murphy, 2004; Wolfelt, 2004). This does not mean our new normal will be better; sometimes it is, but it does mean our new present

and future will be different. Our old lives will never be the same. People constantly ask, “When will my life go back to the way it was?” The truth is it will never go back to the way it was. That is why we must forge a new path, a new direction. This new life will still somehow incorporate the meaning of what was lost into a more meaningful present and future. For example, since we can’t have what was lost, we integrate a valued tradition, a special memory, or a tangible artifact from that person into our daily living.

The finality of our most significant losses seems too cruel. We all need techniques and skills to help us through those difficult times. When we allow ourselves to feel the anguish and pain of the loss, it can sometimes be overwhelming. On the other hand, the presence of grief can be inviting, almost as a way of keeping what was lost close to us. Then the grief can become seductive, a place of unhealthy solace and safety (Russell-Chapin, 2007).

Understanding ways in which we can use anamnesis to help us out of that seductive place will be necessary in our healing. The list below includes just a few active grieving interventions and skills that can start us in the grieving process.

1. Writing 2. Counseling 3. Reading 4. Dream Analysis 5. Reflection Time 6. Music 7. Photo Albums/CDs/DVDs of Loved One 8. Memorials 9. Continued Values in Your Present Life 10. Wellness 11. Spirituality 12. Organized Religion 13. Helping Others

All of these activities can assist us in our grief work. Choose one and get started

using it on a regular basis. When one does not seem to be working, try another, or try several methods. Doing any technique acknowledges grief, and is a way to begin. One example of a specific intervention involves writing letters of forgiveness. This process is discussed in the grief activity book by Friedman and Friedman (1998). Writing to your deceased loved one, or even to the loss itself, can be an extremely healing way to address regrets, unspoken sentiments, or unfinished business.

In the authors’ own personal grief work, all of these interventions have been applied. Russell-Chapin (2007) found writing to be extremely helpful, and she began writing soon after her mother’s death. It began as a journal of feelings and thoughts; and it ended up a book titled, Writing Your Grief Story: The Healing Journey of Loss and Love. The book is of a narrative perspective, including reflections of her journey with counseling interventions intertwined. Writing has helped her work through her own grief, and has evolved into a lovely way to memorialize and honor her mother. By sharing her

own story, she hopes to help others cope and perhaps write and share their stories. We all have a story to tell. Try any of these interventions to begin authoring your own story, and begin your own process of healing.

Innovative Interventions

One relatively unexplored avenue of working with grief exists in the realm of

technology. A particularly innovative method can be found in the three dimensional, virtual world of Second Life (secondlife.com). This is an endless virtual space, owned and created by its residents, where anyone can join and interact for free. Users from at least 100 countries gather to create figurative social and physical structures of every type imaginable (Johnson, 2007). Residents create an avatar, a personal character, which can travel and interact freely with people from all over the world. While this virtual land can be used purely for fun, it is also used for educational and professional activities. It is not unusual for professionals of any genre to network through this platform, which is what transpired in one special grief project.

At Bradley University, a small mid-western, private university; an introductory Human Development Counseling graduate class worked together to find and create grief curricula for developmental phases across the lifespan. Working in collaboration with the director of Bradley’s Cullom-Davis Library, the entire project was placed onto Second Life so that other professionals may download the materials for free. There exists a virtual replica of Bradley’s historic Westlake Hall, which is where the grief curricula can be found. Not long after the project was completed, others within the library’s international network began requesting links to it. One couple created a portal through their own Second Life grief project, which serves as a memorial to their daughter and a support network for parents who are grieving the loss of a child. It is fascinating how powerful of a connecting tool Second Life can be, as more professionals and grieving individuals are able to make meaningful contact in these ways.

Multicultural Considerations

As helping professionals, we must consider how grief is experienced and expressed in various ways across cultures. Grief counselors will not be familiar with all traditions, customs and attitudes of clients. It is important to be aware of possible differences in perspective; and be willing to inquire of clients’ belief systems, religions and cultures. By understanding a broader context through which grieving individuals and communities view their own responses, the counselor may be better able to help each person or family.

Just as in any authentic counseling relationship, grief counselors must adhere to the valid stages of multicultural competence: awareness, knowledge, and skills (Parkes, Laungani, & Young, 1997). Because grief is a deeply personal experience, counselors must also be aware of their own preferences, beliefs, and biases toward death. It is recommended for grief counselors to seek supervision as often as possible, as well as continuing education in this specialty.

Summary

Grieving is a normal aspect of our existence. Developing loss and grief skills are essential to living well, staying healthy and growing stronger. In her recent book, Russell-Chapin (2007, p. 65) stated, “I write my grief story to share with you, in hopes you might start writing your grief story. My grief journey has been long and arduous, filled with love and loss. With every word I write there are healing tears. The outcome of writing my story has created an adventure mixed with new meaning and hope.”

The authors of this article challenge all of us, personally and professionally, to take the grief plunge. Do not be afraid of grief. Create new meanings for the present and future. As members of the helping profession, we will inevitably encounter grief time and again. Yet it will benefit us richly to see what grief can teach us. The authors believe that we have become more courageous and stronger, and have learned so much by embarking on the journey of grief. The same can be said for all of us.

References

Friedman, J., & Friedman, R. (1998). The grief recovery handbook. New York: Harper Collins Publishers.

Johnson, K. (2007). Avatar: Reinventing yourself. Numéro, Aug 19-23. Kübler-Ross, E. & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of

grief through the five stages of loss. New York: Scribner. Kübler-Ross, E. (1977). On death and dying. New York: Simon & Schuster/Touchstone

Publishers. Parkes, C. M., Laungani, P., & Young, B. (1997). Death and bereavement across

cultures. New York: Routledge. Piper, D. & Murphy, C. (2004). 90 minutes in heaven: A true story of death and life.

Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming Revell Publishers. Russell-Chapin, L. A. (2007). Writing your grief story: The healing journey of loss and

love. Cassville, New Jersey: Cloonfad Press. Russell-Chapin, L. A. (producer) & Smith, D. (producer). (2008). Telling your grief

story: Personal growth through expressions of love. (DVD). Hanover, MA: Microtraining Associates, Inc.

Seligman, M. E. (2006). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. New York: Vintage Books.

Smith, D. (2007). The tao of grief. Madison, WI: Psycho-Spiritual Publishers. Wolfelt, A. (2004). Understanding your grief. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Publishers.