Grief and Mindfulness

Dr Monika WilsonReConnections Counselling Service

0428 777809www.reconnectionscounselling.com

monika@reconnectionscounselling.com

Self Awareness

Adjustment Allowing

‘Turning away’‘Turning toward’

DoingNon-doing

The discovery that the brain is neuroplastic Neuroplasticity is the property of the brain that

enables it to change its own structure and functioning in response to activity and mental experience

Brain cells being able to constantly communicate electrically with one another, and to form and re-form new connections, moment by moment, is the source of a unique kind of healing

“Neurons that fire together, wire together”

Mindfulness: the focus of attention

“We are now discovering how the careful focus of attention amplifies neuroplasticity by stimulating the release of neurochemicals that enhance the structural growth of synaptic linkages among the activated neurons”

My Right and Left MindsLeft Mode of Processing Linear Linguistic Logical Literal Lists Factual/Semantic memory Digital: yes/no, up/down Planning, judging, rationalising Interpreting reality

Right Mode of Processing Holistic Non-verbal Visual/spatial imagery Metaphors Stress reduction Autobiographical memory Integrated map of body Awareness, emotions, presence Right here, right now

Mindsight … Dr Dan Siegel Is a kind of focused attention that allows us to see

the internal workings of our own minds. It helps us to be aware of our mental processes without being swept away by them, enables us to get ourselves off the autopilot of ingrained behaviours and habitual responses, and moves us beyond the reactive emotional loops we all have a tendency to get trapped in. It lets us ‘name and tame’ the emotions we experience, rather than being overwhelmed by them.

Mindsight, our ability to look within and perceive the mind, to reflect on our experience, is every bit as essential to our well-being. It is our seventh sense.

Mindfulness definitions "Bringing one's complete attention to the present

experience on a moment-to-moment basis" (Marlatt & Kristeller)

"Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally" (Kabat-Zinn).

"The non-judgmental observation of the ongoing stream of internal and external stimuli as they arise" (Baer)

Paying attention with openness, curiosity and flexibility (Harris)

Developing the right brain – the observer, the awareness, the witness, consciousness

Benefits to be fully present, here and now to experience unpleasant thoughts and feelings safely to become aware of what you're avoiding to become more connected to yourself, to others and to the world around you to become less judgmental to increase self-awareness to become less disturbed by and less reactive to unpleasant experiences to learn the distinction between you and your thoughts to have more direct contact with the world, rather than living through your thoughts to learn that everything changes; that thoughts and feelings come and go like the

weather to have more balance, less emotional volatility to experience more calm and peacefulness to develop self-acceptance and self-compassion

Grieving Mindfully Can be understood as being consciously aware of

the intense pain of love after loss Awareness is not the same as indulging in the

intensity of grief, nor is allowing yourself to come into full contact with your thoughts and feelings after loss the same as wallowing in pain, or keeping yourself in pain. Awareness is allowing yourself to accept the pain of grief, thereby finding relief in not running away from your loss

The avoidance and running from/turning away from, in the long term, will cause more problems than the original grief reactions

“… though overwhelmed by the great upset of grief, we have a choice about how to respond. We can turn away from our own deep pain, seeking relief from distraction, numbing, and denial. Or we can turn toward the pain with compassionate attention and a willingness to allow what we are feeling to be just as it is”

Grieving Mindfully, Kumar, 2012

Drop the Anchor Take five to ten seconds to do the following: Push your feet hard onto the floor and straighten

your spine As you do this, take a slow deep breath Look around and notice three things you can see Listen carefully and notice three things you can hear Notice where you are and what you are doing Touch your chair or your body

Being aware of thoughts (mindsight) Tune into your thoughts (words and pictures) Notice particular words used habitually Notice particular tones or volumes of speech Notice particular story lines Notice the evaluations Notice how much you are engaging or

getting hooked up into thoughts ‘Psychological Smog’

Fusion means a blending or melding together. We use the term fusion to mean that a thought (words inside our heads) and the thing it refers to – the story and the event – become stuck together, as one. In a state of fusion, it seems as if: thoughts are reality – what we’re thinking is actually

happening, here and now thoughts are the truth – we completely believe in

them thoughts are important – we take them seriously

and give them our full attention thoughts are orders – we automatically obey them thoughts are wise – we assume they know best, and

we follow their advice thoughts can be threats, and we feel the need to

get rid of them

Defusion means relating to your thoughts in a new way, so they have much less impact and influence over you (changing your relationship with thoughts) … they will have much less influence over your behaviour: thoughts are merely sounds, words, stories, or bits of

language thoughts may or may not be true; we don’t automatically

believe them thoughts may or may not be important; we pay attention

only if they’re helpful thoughts are definitely not orders; we certainly don’t

have to obey them thoughts may or may not be wise; we don’t automatically

follow their advice thoughts are never threats; even the most painful or

disturbing of thoughts does not represent a threat to us.

Being aware of emotionsThe steps of

expansion:Notice and nameObserveBreathCreate spaceAllow

STOP Practice A useful, ultra-brief, and very simple mindfulness practice,

that you can easily incorporate into your busy daily routine, no matter how pressed for time you are. S – Slow down (slow down your breathing; or slowly press your feet

into the floor; or slowly stretch your arms; or slowly press your fingertips together)

T - Take note (with a sense of curiosity, notice your thoughts & feelings; notice what you can see and hear and touch and taste and smell; notice where you are and what you are doing)

O - Open up (open up and make room for your thoughts & feelings, and allow them to freely flow through you; use any defusion or expansion skill you like)

P - Pursue values (reconnect with your values, and let them guide whatever you do next)

Being aware of breath Bring all of your

focused attention to the point of the breath Stomach – hands on

stomach Rising and falling of the

chest At the point underneath

the nostrils and above the upper lip

The Principe of Mindfulness Notice ‘x’ Focus your attention on ‘x’ When your thoughts take you away / mind

wanders Bring your attention back to ‘x’ Do this kindly, patiently and persistently This takes practice … and practice

The Practice of Self Compassion Put both hands on your heart, pause, and feel their warmth.

You can also put your hands on any other place on your body that feels soothing and comforting, such as your belly or your face

Breathe deeply in and out Speak these words to yourself (out loud or silently) in a warm

and caring tone: This is a moment of sufferingSuffering is a part of lifeMay I be kind to myselfMay I give myself the compassion I need

Grieving Mindfully (Sameet M. Kumar) “… although it is impermanent, grief does not

necessarily disappear. The pain and distress of grief can lessen, but grief itself changes and blends into your life. Grief becomes woven into the fabric of all of your relationships, and of your understanding of life. Although grief stems from the loss of a relationship in some form, it can also be the beginning of a much larger journey – a journey into the very meaning of your life. By understanding how grief unfolds, and how it blends into your life, you can view grief as a powerful teacher”

Honouring grief When we are told to ‘get over it’, a very subtle but profound

message is being given to us: that we are doing something wrong by grieving. If you can understand grief as an extension of love, then you will see that there is nothing wrong with grieving. To deny the importance of grieving would be saying that there is something pathological about loving.

Love and grief are inextricably intertwined – to love is always to open oneself to the grief of loss

We ultimately need to learn to allow the pain of grief, just as we’ve allowed love into our lives

Discover the gem of open, aware and non-doing – “in this era it is more important and urgent than ever for us to learn to inhabit the timeless and draw upon it for solace and clear seeing” (Jon Kabat-Zinn)