Good Parenting-Getting Good Parenting-Getting the Balance Rightthe Balance Right

The conflicts of parentingThe conflicts of parenting

• Neglect v Love v IndulgenceNeglect v Love v Indulgence• Self gratification v Enjoyment v EnduranceSelf gratification v Enjoyment v Endurance• Dismissing v Listening v PanderingDismissing v Listening v Pandering• Blocking v Communication v Burdening Blocking v Communication v Burdening • Ignorance v Understanding v Over-analysing Ignorance v Understanding v Over-analysing • At risk v Protection v SmotheringAt risk v Protection v Smothering• Out of control v Discipline v ControlledOut of control v Discipline v Controlled• Dependence v Independence v DetachedDependence v Independence v Detached• Vulnerable v Resilient v InhibitedVulnerable v Resilient v Inhibited• Exclusion v Involvement v BurdeningExclusion v Involvement v Burdening• Self absorbed v Balanced v Unhealthy Self absorbed v Balanced v Unhealthy

Parents learn a lot from their Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life. children about coping with life. (Muriel Spark)(Muriel Spark)

Loving ChildrenLoving Children

• Loving children comes naturallyLoving children comes naturally

• Value our child for who he/she is: Value our child for who he/she is:

• Avoid conformity and comparisons: Avoid conformity and comparisons:

• Allow our child to express who he/she Allow our child to express who he/she is:. is:.

• Look for and see the best in all our Look for and see the best in all our child does: child does:

Joys : Joys : The laugh that children are born with The laugh that children are born with lasts just as long as they have perfect faith lasts just as long as they have perfect faith (J.M. Barrie)(J.M. Barrie)

• Teaches us to loveTeaches us to love

• Puts life in perspectivePuts life in perspective

• Great funGreat fun

• Gives us a sense of Gives us a sense of pride and pride and achievementachievement

• Investment Investment in/commitment to the in/commitment to the Society in which we Society in which we livelive

• Saying nice thingsSaying nice things• Creating special timesCreating special times• Involving our child, Involving our child,

involving ourselvesinvolving ourselves• PlayingPlaying• Eating togetherEating together• Giving our child space Giving our child space

and choiceand choice• Making our child a Making our child a

prioritypriority• Teaching beliefsTeaching beliefs

Listening and communication. Listening and communication. Oh what a tangled Oh what a tangled web do parents weave/ when they think that their web do parents weave/ when they think that their

children are naïve. (Ogden Nash)children are naïve. (Ogden Nash) • Builds Self confidenceBuilds Self confidence

• Helps keep children Helps keep children safesafe

• Helps express feelingsHelps express feelings

• Builds respectBuilds respect

• Indicates valueIndicates value

• Active listening, Active listening, attentiveness, attentiveness, understanding , understanding , respectrespect

• Asking questionsAsking questions

• Seeing through Seeing through negative statementsnegative statements

• Owning our own Owning our own feelingsfeelings

• Telling the truthTelling the truth

Understanding: Understanding: A child of five would understand A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of fivethis. Send somebody to fetch a child of five(Groucho Marx)(Groucho Marx)

• Reasonable Reasonable ExpectationsExpectations

• Reduces Conflict, Reduces Conflict, stressstress

• Gives space to Gives space to grow and developgrow and develop

• Thinking and Thinking and languagelanguage

• Emotion and Emotion and personalitypersonality

• Unique personalityUnique personality

ProtectionProtection

• Abuse damages Abuse damages childrenchildren

• Interferes with Interferes with developmentdevelopment

• Impinges on childhoodImpinges on childhood

• Trust our instincts:Trust our instincts:

• Children will express Children will express unhappiness and unhappiness and distress in different distress in different ways:ways:

• Sadness and Sadness and troublesome troublesome behaviour tell us that behaviour tell us that something is not right:something is not right:

DisciplineDiscipline

• Right and WrongRight and Wrong

• Control behaviourControl behaviour

• Respect othersRespect others

• Give and takeGive and take

• Right moral and Right moral and ethical decisionsethical decisions

• Modelling good Modelling good behaviourbehaviour

• Talking about Talking about decisionsdecisions

• InfluencingInfluencing

• Support and Support and guidanceguidance

Independence and resilience: Independence and resilience: Its no wonder Its no wonder that people were so horrible when they that people were so horrible when they

started life as children (Kingsley Amis)started life as children (Kingsley Amis) • Armour against Armour against

emotional challenge, emotional challenge, hurthurt

• Handling conflictHandling conflict

• Resisting stress, Resisting stress, despondencydespondency

• Watching what we sayWatching what we say

• Positive role modelPositive role model

• Challenging Challenging inaccurate beliefsinaccurate beliefs

• Spontaneous and Spontaneous and affectionateaffectionate

• Positive accurate Positive accurate feedbackfeedback

• Safe, nurturing Safe, nurturing environmentenvironment

Participation: Participation: The value of marriage is not The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that that adults produce children but that children produce adults (children produce adults (Peter De ViersPeter De Viers ) )

• Rights, views, beliefs, Rights, views, beliefs, feelingsfeelings

• Avoids just protection Avoids just protection or controlor control

• Encourages active Encourages active rather than passive rather than passive parentingparenting

• BalanceBalance

• Relevant and voluntaryRelevant and voluntary

• Child friendly Child friendly environmentenvironment

• Keep participation safeKeep participation safe

• Democracy and non-Democracy and non-discriminationdiscrimination

• Follow-up and feedbackFollow-up and feedback

Challenges: Challenges: There are times when There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you (mouth that bites you (Peter De Vries)Peter De Vries)

• Unhealthy Unhealthy parenting belief parenting belief systemssystems

• Physical, Physical, psychological psychological emotional emotional problems problems

• Our child’s Our child’s physical, physical, psychological , psychological , emotional emotional problemsproblems

• Breakdown in the Breakdown in the relationship relationship

Unhealthy parenting belief Unhealthy parenting belief systemssystems• Detachment or Over-Detachment or Over-

attachment: attachment: • Fear of Failure: Fear of Failure: • Negative views of a child: Negative views of a child: • Inability to Cope: Inability to Cope:

• Feelings of Guilt:Feelings of Guilt:• Why we decided to become a Why we decided to become a

parent: parent: • Our feelings about being a Our feelings about being a

parent: parent: • What we expect from ourselves What we expect from ourselves

as parents: as parents: • Lack of Confidence: Lack of Confidence: • Our belief systems about our Our belief systems about our

child: child: • Our Experiences of being Our Experiences of being

children:children:• Our Experiences of being parentsOur Experiences of being parents• Societal beliefs about childrenSocietal beliefs about children• Lack of knowledge and skills: Lack of knowledge and skills: • Lack of Supports Lack of Supports • Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness:

Physical, psychological, Physical, psychological, emotional problemsemotional problems• Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness: • Self-Esteem:Self-Esteem:• Developing Emotional Intelligence: Developing Emotional Intelligence: • Changing Thinking: Changing Thinking: • Changing Behaviour: Changing Behaviour: • Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to

psychological and emotional problems psychological and emotional problems • I should just “Pull myself together?I should just “Pull myself together?. . • How will I live with the shame?How will I live with the shame? • It is a result of my family background so what can It is a result of my family background so what can

I do about itI do about it: :

Our child’s physical, Our child’s physical, psychological ,emotional psychological ,emotional problemsproblems• Self-Awareness: Self-Awareness: • Self-Esteem:Self-Esteem:• Developing Emotional Intelligence: Developing Emotional Intelligence: • Changing Thinking: Changing Thinking: • Changing Behaviour: Changing Behaviour: • Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to Clarifying and resolving our own attitudes to

psychological and emotional problems psychological and emotional problems • They should just “Pull themselves together?They should just “Pull themselves together?. . • How will I live with the shame?How will I live with the shame? • It is a result of their background so what can I do It is a result of their background so what can I do

about itabout it: :

Breakdown in the Breakdown in the relationshiprelationship

• Respect: Respect:

• Good Communication: Good Communication:

• Strong problem-solving skills: Strong problem-solving skills:

• Ability to deal with feelings: Ability to deal with feelings:

• Positive Discipline: Positive Discipline:

• Family Introspection and Awareness: Family Introspection and Awareness:

Putting life in perspectivePutting life in perspective

• Work / Home balanceWork / Home balance

• Quality time versus quantity timeQuality time versus quantity time

• Balancing the needs of different Balancing the needs of different peoplepeople

• Looking after ourselvesLooking after ourselves

• Valuing the simple thingsValuing the simple things

Irish ResearchIrish Research

State of the nations children 2006State of the nations children 2006• 77.6% of children aged 10-17 report that they find it easy to talk with 77.6% of children aged 10-17 report that they find it easy to talk with

their mothers when something is really bothering them. The their mothers when something is really bothering them. The international average is 82.7%, Ireland ranks 27th among 35 WHO international average is 82.7%, Ireland ranks 27th among 35 WHO countries.countries.

• 56.2% of children aged 10-17 report that they find it easy to talk with 56.2% of children aged 10-17 report that they find it easy to talk with their fathers when something is really bothering them. The their fathers when something is really bothering them. The international average is 64.2%, Ireland ranks 24th among 35 WHO international average is 64.2%, Ireland ranks 24th among 35 WHO countries.countries.

• 61.6% of children aged 15 report that their parents spend time just 61.6% of children aged 15 report that their parents spend time just talking with them several times a week. The international average is talking with them several times a week. The international average is 59.6%, Ireland ranks 11th among 27 OECD countries.59.6%, Ireland ranks 11th among 27 OECD countries.

• 47.9% of children aged 15 report that their parents discuss with them 47.9% of children aged 15 report that their parents discuss with them how well they are doing at school several times a week. The how well they are doing at school several times a week. The international average is 52.3%, Ireland ranks 14th among 27 OECD international average is 52.3%, Ireland ranks 14th among 27 OECD countries.countries.

• 77.1% of children aged 15 report that their parents eat dinner with 77.1% of children aged 15 report that their parents eat dinner with them around a table several times a week. The international average is them around a table several times a week. The international average is 78.9%, Ireland is ranked 16th among 27 OECD countries.78.9%, Ireland is ranked 16th among 27 OECD countries.

Barnardos Research 2007Barnardos Research 2007

• Six out of ten parents believe they don’t Six out of ten parents believe they don’t spend enough time with childrenspend enough time with children

• 36% of parents both working are satisfied 36% of parents both working are satisfied with time spent with children, 52 % where with time spent with children, 52 % where one parent not working are satisfiedone parent not working are satisfied

• 72% parents believe work patterns are 72% parents believe work patterns are interfering with parentinginterfering with parenting

• 8 of 10 parents think children are less safe 8 of 10 parents think children are less safe

Child abuse researchChild abuse research

The SAVI report found that The SAVI report found that • One in five women (20 per cent) reported One in five women (20 per cent) reported

experiencing contact sexual abuse in childhood experiencing contact sexual abuse in childhood with a further one in ten (10 per cent) reporting with a further one in ten (10 per cent) reporting non-contact sexual abuse. In over a quarter of non-contact sexual abuse. In over a quarter of cases of contact abuse (i.e. 5.6 per cent of all cases of contact abuse (i.e. 5.6 per cent of all girls), the abuse involved penetrative sex.girls), the abuse involved penetrative sex.

• One in six men (16 per cent) reported One in six men (16 per cent) reported experiencing contact sexual abuse in childhood experiencing contact sexual abuse in childhood with a further one in fourteen (7 per cent) with a further one in fourteen (7 per cent) reporting non-contact sexual abuse. In one of reporting non-contact sexual abuse. In one of every six cases of contact abuse (i.e. 2.7 per cent every six cases of contact abuse (i.e. 2.7 per cent of all boys), the abuse involved penetrative sex. of all boys), the abuse involved penetrative sex.

Who abuses childrenWho abuses children

• Most perpetrators of child sexual abuse (89 per cent) were Most perpetrators of child sexual abuse (89 per cent) were men acting alone. Seven per cent of children were abused men acting alone. Seven per cent of children were abused by a female perpetrator. In 4 per cent of cases, more than by a female perpetrator. In 4 per cent of cases, more than one abuser was involved in the same incidents). one abuser was involved in the same incidents).

• A quarter (24 per cent) of perpetrators against girls were A quarter (24 per cent) of perpetrators against girls were family members, half (52 per cent) were non-family but family members, half (52 per cent) were non-family but known to the abused girl and a quarter (24 per cent) were known to the abused girl and a quarter (24 per cent) were strangers. strangers.

• Fewer family members were involved in child sexual abuse Fewer family members were involved in child sexual abuse of boys. One in seven perpetrators (14 per cent) was a of boys. One in seven perpetrators (14 per cent) was a family member with two-thirds (66 per cent) non-family but family member with two-thirds (66 per cent) non-family but known to the abused boy. One in five (20 per cent) were known to the abused boy. One in five (20 per cent) were strangers. strangers.

• In one out of every four cases, the perpetrator was another In one out of every four cases, the perpetrator was another child or adolescent (17 years old or younger) child or adolescent (17 years old or younger)

Reflections to finishReflections to finish

• An aware parent loves all children he or An aware parent loves all children he or she meets and interacts with—for you she meets and interacts with—for you are a caretaker for those moments in are a caretaker for those moments in time. time.

• My father didn't tell me how to live; he My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.lived, and let me watch him do it.

• The character and history of each child The character and history of each child may be a new and poetic experience to may be a new and poetic experience to the parent, if he will let it. the parent, if he will let it.