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Vulnerability Project - Week 2 Transcript

RC: Welcome to week two of the Vulnerability Project. As always, I’d like begin with

a check in. I’d like you to check in with yourself as you begin to watch this video

noticing what you’re feeling in your body, sensations, emotions, the uality of

your overall energy. Are you more contracted, e!"anded, somewhere in themiddle. What kind of thoughts are you having# Is there a "articular uality to

what’s going on in your mind now$ is it more edgy or smooth# Is it more

acce"ting or critical# %ust see if you can take a moment and breathe into all of

that, rela!ing into "resence, allowing it all to be just as it is.

I’m doing the same thing myself, noticing that there’s a lot to take care of here in

making the video, are the lights right# Is the mic right# Will I remember e!actly

what to say# I’m honoring that slight sense of overwhelm I feel and also at the

same time, just doing my best to allow a little flutter, a little concern and just

trusting as I rela! in the "resence that all will unfold just as it needs to.

In our "hone call last week, towards the end we talked about, what is an emotion#

We focused on the "hysical as"ect of an emotion, that any time you ever feel

anything$ it arises, moves shifts and ultimately de"arts from your "hysical body.

We talked about how it’s su""osed to work and then also what gets in the way.

We also s"ent a little bit of time with each of you sharing about one or more

emotions that are "articularly difficult for you to feel. &hat’s right where we’re

going to "ick u" with this video.

When I’m giving talks about this to"ic in "erson, I like to begin with a survey. It

goes, raise your hand if when you were growing u" in your family, you got a great

education in how to recogni'e honor and e!"erience your emotions. When I ask

that uestion as a survey, a few "eo"le start to snicker and then "eo"le feel freer

to laugh. (oon they come to reali'e it wasn’t actually a legitimate uestion. In the

many years I’ve been asking that uestion, I think there are only five or less

"eo"le so fortunate to raise their hand and answer yes to that uestion. &hat’s the

"redicament that most of us face when we come to our emotional life. We either

didn’t get any significant training or we got all the wrong kinds of training, which

we have to s"end years and countless visits to worksho"s and thera"ists and even

online "rograms like this to try to unlearn.

)owever, I’m here to tell you it’s not your "arents fault. *ee" in our culture is an

allergy to emotions. I came across this in a really interesting way when I was

doing research for my book, The One Thing Holding You Back. In doing that

research I found that of the seven so+called deadly sins, all of them are emotions,

anger, "ride, greed, lust, envy, sloth and what’s the last, gluttony. &hink about it,

if emotions arise unbidden into our consciousness, if we don’t choose when and

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how they arrive and seven of them are deadly sins then we’re in trouble right out

of the gate. It gives a whole new meaning to the idea of original sin.

It’s not even culture or religion’s fault. If we’re looking for something to blame,

we can go straight to evolution because there’s a glitch in our brains courtesy of

evolution that creates this whole dee"ly embedded, generations+long allergy to

emotions that I was describing. ou might wonder, -Well, why is that so# Why

would we be created in such a way# I’m not an evolutionary biologist or "sychologist and I’m not an e!"ert but I do know that evolution moves forward in

a messy way, one ste" sideways, one ste" backwards, two ste"s forward. &hat’s

why there are vestiges on humans that don’t make a lot of sense, that they don’t

usually need, same thing with other s"ecies. It makes sense that we would, at this

"oint in our evolutionary "rocess be im"erfect and I guess you could say that

would always be the case. When it comes to emotions, this is es"ecially key.

In order to describe this glitch that evolution brings to us, I just want to use a

model that was first /"osited0 by Paul 1c2ean way back in the 34s, it’s called

The Triune Brain, that sim"ly means three "arts. 5ver all these years of researchand just great lea"s forward in our understanding, the basic model still holds.

What the model says is that the first "art of our brain that develo"ed was what’s

sometimes called the re"tilian brain but what I like to call the "rimitive brain.

&hat seems to give it a more general sense. &he "rimitive brain is all about

survival$ it’s constantly assessing in any situation the degrees of safety and danger

so that it can try to kee" you safe. We need it all the time and it functions not just

on a survival level like when you’re facing down a saber tooth tiger but in every

moment like a "arty or a work environment or even at the dinner table. &he

second layer of the brain that develo"ed was the limbic system. &he limbic system

is "rimarily about memory and emotions. &he third level is the neocorte!. &heneocorte! is the home of abstract reasoning. &hese are the three basic layers of the

brain and now I’m going to describe the glitch.

When the limbic system generates an emotion, basically it has a command for

you, it says, -6eel this. It needs you to feel it fully in your body until you’ve got

the message of that emotion’s sensations so that the emotion can then dissi"ate

and leave you in an e!"anded state. &he "rimitive brain can’t distinguish between

an e!ternal threat like footste"s in a dark alley and an internal threat like jealousy

or grief or longing. What this means is that the "rimitive brain actually considers

difficult and challenging emotions as life threatening and therefore when thelimbic system generates that emotion and says, -6eel this, the "rimitive brain

says, -7o way, and it blocks the emotion right there in your body with, and this

brings us back to last week, a contraction.

&hat’s right, a contraction is created by your "rimitive brain, that fight, flight,

free'e res"onse and it’s designed to kee" you from feeling an emotion that your

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"rimitive brain deems life threatening. &his is huge to understand because in

means that once you contract around an emotion, you are at cross+"ur"oses. 5ne

"art of your brain is telling you to do one thing and the other "art of your brain is

telling you to do the o""osite. ou really are stuck and you will re"eat "atterns

over and over and over again out of that stuckness until you rewire your brain.

&hat’s the great gift of evolution, that even though it created this glitch for us, it

also creates an o""ortunity through our consciousness to rewire that glitch so thatall the different "arts of our brain can work well inde"endently and also

interde"endently. &herefore, we can function much more of the time in a fully

e!"anded and therefore "resent state. In a moment, I’m going to talk to you about

how we do that rewiring but first a uick word about the neocorte!. *id you

notice that I didn’t mention that in the glitch# It does "lay a "art.

&he neocorte! is a great as"ect, a wonderful "art of being human. 5ur ability to

reason, however the neocorte! sees everything as a "roblem to solve and it thinks

that it has the answer to every "roblem. &herefore, what ha""ens when we have

an emotion generated from the limbic system that is troubling, the neocorte! seesit as a "roblem to solve and wants for us not to feel it but it wants to hel" us get

rid of it. As we’ve covered, that just doesn’t work. What ha""ens in this situation

sis that the neocorte! goes into a kind of alliance with the "rimitive brain to try to

kee" that emotion at bay. &his is the source of great blind s"ots. ou’ve "robably

known someone or you might even have bee someone who, you’re so bright, you

see things so clearly and then there’s this one to"ic or issue. 8verybody says, -5h

my gosh, why can’t this "erson see it# It’s right there in front of his9her face.

&hat’s a tale tell sign of the neocorte! blocking the emotion and therefore not

being able to see clearly.

&his leads to a really im"ortant ma!im that I share everywhere I can, which is, if

you want to get the best out of all the "arts of your brain and really function

harmoniously, it’s great to feel first and think later. 5nce you’ve actually

reconnected to any feelings that you’ve blocked consciously or otherwise, then

you’re e!"anded and "resent and you can trust the "owers of your neocorte!, you

can trust your analytical thinking. 6eel first, think later. If you want to know when

the later comes, it’s when you’re e!"anded, when you feel mostly o"en and

connected and "resent.

7ow let’s move on to rewiring the glitch. In order to talk about how we do that, Ineed to discuss surfing and I mean surfing for real in the ocean. When someone is

surfing and they wan to get a great ride, what’s really im"ortant is first of all that

they’re rela!ed on the board. &here’s no trying or straining to stay on the waves

because that tension will immediately knock you off, so a soft gentle "osture. &he

ne!t thing is that the surfer needs to be in e!uisite connection with the wave and

knees so that every subtle shift of the current is matched by the movement of the

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board. If that ha""ens, that e!uisite connection, then the surfer will get all the

way to shore and have a wonderful ride. If the surfer has a "articularly harrowing

moment and then starts to think about that, -Whoa, that was wild what just:

wi"eout. If the surfer is worried about that rock u" ahead, -When am I going

to: wi"eout.(imilarly, even if it’s a great ride and the surfer’s really rela!ed

and looks u" at the clouds and says, -Whoa, that kind of reminds me of a:

wi"eout again.ou get the "icture$ it’s the ongoing connection in a soft and

fle!ible way that kee"s the surfer and the board connected to the way and makesfor a great surfing e!"erience.

7ow, let’s take surfing in the ocean and turn our attention towards surfing you

emotions. When you’re surfing emotions in your "hysical body where they e!ist,

your attention is the surfer. our "hysical sensation is the wave. What you want

to do is "lace your attention right u" close on the sensations, if it’s here, if it’s

here, if it’s here because of course, you can’t surf a wave from the shore. &his is a

mistake that often the /4;<3;=> ? inaudible0 can make a first when they’re wanting

to connect to their emotions. &hey are used to sitting back and watching the

movie dis"lay itself on the field of their consciousness kind of from a distance. Itdoesn’t work with emotions, they need us to u" get close and "ersonal, right there

at the crest and follow the e!"erience that way.

@y follow the e!"erience, what I mean is, stay with the sensation as it moves and

shifts and changes all the way until it gets you to shore, which is in this case

e!"ansion. 1aybe you have a tightness in your belly and you bring your attention

there. At first, it just seems like it’s just sitting there, nothing much is ha""ening.

ou get a little closer, right on the wave so to s"eak. 7ow you notice it’s swirling

counterclockwise. (uddenly some sensations move u" through your dia"hragm

into your chest and you notice a tear wells. 7ow you’re surfing the emotion.&hat’s what we mean, just that. It’s sim"le, it really is sim"le. 5f course it’s not

always easy but surfing your emotions is about staying with the sensations and

letting them do their thing while you "ay attention and follow along with them in

a non+interfering way. &hat’s what makes all the difference.

&here’s a cou"le of things about surfing in your body that are different from

surfing in the ocean that I need to let you in on. &he first one that very often when

you’re surfing emotions in your "hysical body, you’ll start with a contraction,

that’s how you’ll know something’s afoot. ou’ll feel a tension in your shoulders

or a "ressure at your forehead and that will give you an alarm, you need to surf.)ere’s the good news about that, no matter how intense the contraction is, in all

of my years of e!"erience I’ve never found one in myself or anyone else that

doesn’t release just by you "aying attention to it. It releases and allows you to get

in touch with the emotion that was being blocked in the first "lace. &hat’s when

the really im"ortant surfing can begin.

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)ere’s what’s ha""ening in that moment. @y you "utting your attention there

"ur"osely, your "rimitive brain is reminded that while it’s im"ortant and has a lot

of "ower, it doesn’t actually run the whole show by itself. With that attention on

the contraction it’s as if the "rimitive brain is saying, -5h, oh, what# We are

doing something different now# )mmn, I don’t know if I like this. I’ll stay over

here, I’ll watch for a few moments and I reserve the right to shut this whole thing

down at any moment if I don’t like what’s ha""ening, but it does give the

o""ortunity for something else to ha""en. When you get in there and you surf thatabandonment or rejection or humiliation and you actually get a chance to ride the

wave to an e!"anded state, the "rimitive brain says something like, -5h, rejection,

not footste"s in a dark alley, not something that I have to shut down so hard, so

fats and so long about.

&he ne!t time you feel that rejection, "robably the "rimitive brain will still

contract but as I say, not that hard, not that long. It’ll be much easier form that

first moment of triggering to surf your way back to o"enness. 8very time you do

surf a difficult emotion, you’re actually rewiring your "hysical brain and you’re

changing the circuitry in that brain in a "rocess that allows you first to becomemore fully functioning but also more integrating and we can even say more

healed. &hrough this sim"le, but not easy "ractice of surfing, you’re not only

getting the benefit in the moment of going through directly to that greater o"ening

and "resence and wellbeing, but you’re also changing your whole "hysiology and

neurology for all the days and weeks and months and years ahead. &hat’s why

surfing your emotions is so incredibly "owerful.

&he last thing I wan to talk to you about in this week’s video is that when you star

surfing your emotions, and we’re going to have a lot of "ractice with that coming

u", it’s easy to make an error of "erce"tion. It’s easy to think that when I’masking you to surf fully and allow and welcome and flow with these sensations

that you are also therefore su""osed to believe the verdicts that sometimes come

with them. 6or e!am"le, let’s say failure comes and it seems like just a sucker

"unch in the gut, -5ooh, it’s hot, it’s like a "oker stabbing me. In the midst of

that, a thought might arise, -ou’re such a looser. Acce"ting and flowing with

the "hysical emotion isn’t the same thing as agreeing with that verdict.

When that verdict comes, we really have three choices. We can say, -es it’s true,

I’m a loser, and then therefore glue ourselves to that verdict and get taken down

with it. We can fight it by saying, -7o, I’m not a loser, I need to have better self+esteem, but when we meet resistance with resistance, we just create further

resistance and therefore we’re still stuck to that verdict. &he third way is to

acknowledge it neutrally without engaging, something like this, -es, I heard that

but I’m doing something else here so we’ll get back to you later, and then stay

on the wave.

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&hat reminds me, I forgot to mention earlier, the other way that surfing your

emo4tions is different than surfing in the ocean, when you get wi"ed out on a

wave in the ocean, you’ve got to "addle all the way back out to where the waves

are breaking. ou have to wait, it could be a minute or an hour or maybe the

waves are even done for that day. When you’re surfing your emotions, the only

wave that matters is the wave of this moment. If you wi"e out, which you will,

over and over and over, all you need to do is turn your attention back to your body

and notice what is ha""ening now. It doesn’t make any sense to say, -5h, I wasriding a great wave of sadness and now where is that# I’ve got to go get back on

it.

It’s not here any more. Anything you need to be feeling will show u" in this very

moment so gently and "atiently, you turn your attention to your body and you

wait and you see how you’re called and where you’re called and you begin

surfing right then and there. What that means is, if a verdict like the, -5h you’re

such a loser, I was describing before, if it knocks you off, one two, or ten times,

it doesn’t matter because you can just go right back to the ne!t wave of the ne!t

moment and begin surfing again and all will be well.

7ow there’s one kind of P( I want to add, something a little e!tra, something

ho"efully that will ins"ire to kee" going in our work together. &o do this surfing

well, to rewire your brain for all the benefits I described earlier, you can go

through the whole "rocess without ever knowing what e!actly you’re feeling. ou

don’t need a name for it. In fact, sometimes looking for what it is, trying to find a

label throws us off the board and into our neocorte! and makes it harder. &he

names are what I call lies of convenience because the truth is, for e!am"le, if I say

I’m sad right now and I turn my attention to the wave in my body, I might feel a

"ressure in my heart as if my heart is going to break. 6ive minutes from now if Isay I’m sad, I might feel an em"tiness at the core of my belly. &hose are two very

different e!"eriences that for convenience, we call one thing$ sadness.

When we’re surfing and rewiring, it’s a moment+by+moment, microsco"ic kind of

e!"erience. &hat’s what does the trick, being so attuned to what you’re feeling

moment by moment by moment, there’s no abstraction, not even a name. &hat

doesn’t mean if a name comes, it’s wrong or a "roblem. ou might know right

away, sadness or loneliness or fear. &hat’s okay but don’t get caught u" in looking

for the name or worrying about the name once you find it. If you can just get right

back on the wave in this very moment and just surf that, all will be well.

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