Gender & Close Friendships

Gender LivesGender dynamics on close relationships:

• “MARK”

• “Sometimes I just don’t know what goes on in Ellen’s head, we can have a minor problem, like an issue between us, and it’s really not serious stuff. But, can we let it go?

• No way with Ellen. She want to talk about it. And I mean talk and talk and talk. There’s no end to how long she can talk about stuff that really doesn’t matter. I tell her that’s she’s analyzing the relationship to death, and don’t want to do that. She insists that we need to talk things through. Why can’t we just have a relationship instead of always having to talk about it?

• For most people socialized with masculinity- communicating is important when you need to address an issue or solve a problem, but to Paige, it’s incomprehensible that Ed want to work on his paper.

Gender LivesPersonal Relationships- are relationships that those in which partners depend on each other for various things from affection to material assistance.

Models of Personal Relationships

The male deficit model

The alternate Paths model

Two Theoretical Models of Gendered Relationship Styles

Male Deficit Model Many men are not

socialized to express emotions verbally

Many men are unskilled at disclosure, support, and verbal expressions of feeling

This makes men deficient at intimacy

Alternate Paths Model Many men are not

socialized to express emotions verbally

Men express feelings and closeness in alternate ways--doing things with/for others

Men have their own ways of experiencing & expressing closeness

Gender style friendships

Gendered Style friendships

Feminine friendships- closeness in dialogue

Masculine friendships- closeness in doing

Women’s Friendships“Closeness in Dialogue”“Closeness in Dialogue”

Face to face interaction

Talk is the focus of friendship (confidants)

Personal, disclosive conversation fuels feelings of closeness

Support = listen, empathize, express feeling

Breadth of topics discussed with intimates

Friendship itself may be discussed explicitly

Men’s Friendships“Closeness in the Doing”“Closeness in the Doing”

Side by side interaction

Activity is the focus (companions)

Doing things with and for each other fuels closeness

Support = give advice, divert attention

Narrower scope of knowledge & interaction

Friendship seldom explicitly discussed

Friendships BetweenWomen & Men

Close friendships between women & men are increasing

Research shows that in cross-sex friendships men talk more and receive more support than women

Women report enjoying “less emotional intensity” in friendships with men

Men report enjoying the greater emotional intensity, empathy, and verbal support in friendships with women

Women report friendships with men are less close than those with women; men report the reverse (GL 205)

Sexual tension is often a perceived problem

Gender Lives

The Man Date

Friendships between men & women

Gendered Dynamics in Romantic Relationships

Gender Lives

Developing romantic intimacy

Gender Patterns in intimate relationships

Gendered models expressing affection

Different speech communities have different vocabularies

intimacy for women, it involves communicating deeply and

closely for men, it’s doing things with and for others

love men fall sooner, harder. for men, love is “more active, impulsive, sexualized,

and game-playing” for women, “pragmatic and friendship-focused.”

* In romance, feminine qualities are valued

Gender Lives

Gendered preferences for autonomy and connection

Gendered responsibility for rational health

Gendered power dynamics

Relationship work“Responsibility for Relational Health”

Women generally take more responsibility for monitoring a relationship’s health

Women take more responsibility for the “maintenance” work of keeping interaction going and including others

The Second Shift

Women who work outside of the home often return home to a “second shift” of work-- child care and houseworkApproximately 20% of men in dual-worker families assume half of the responsibilities for home and childrenOn average, men in dual-worker families today do 10% more “homework” than they did 3 decades ago--from 20% in the 1960s to 30% todayHome tasks that women typically do tend to be repetitive, simultaneous, and time bound

Psychological Responsibility

The responsibility to plan, remember, coordinate, and follow-up on matters involving home and family Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Remembering medical check-ups Remembering when chores are to be done Planning meals and making sure ingredients are

available Etc, etc, etc…...

Gender Lives

How important s communication and joint activities in creating and sustaining intimacy?

Gender Lives

Do women or men typically fall in love faster?

What are we, as a society, searching for in close relationships? Are we receiving this? Why or why not? Do you think each gender has different requirements in feeling safe in a relationship?  How can we change to better address the needs of both people in a relationship (either change as individuals or change some aspects of society)?