GAVIN

"Pilot" / "Steve, Steve, and Steve"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014

INT. BAR - DAY

BRANDON (30) is bartending, and there are no customers

present. GAVIN (60, Jewish) walks in and sits at the

counter.

BRANDON

Hey. What can I get you?

GAVIN

The best whiskey you have.

BRANDON

The best whiskey I have is the best

whiskey there is. Highland Park 30.

GAVIN

Highland Park? Isn’t that the place

with all those swap meets where

they sell two pairs of socks for

one dollar?

BRANDON

Well. There are two Highland Parks.

One is 20 miles from here.

GAVIN

And where’s the other one?

BRANDON

Scotland. As in, Scotch whiskey.

GAVIN

Right. I should’ve known. The

Scots. Scotch whiskey. Whiskey.

That’s a funny word. Whiskey.

Whiskey. Say it.

BRANDON

Whiskey.

GAVIN

Whiskey. Even "whisk" itself is a

funny word, without the -ey. What

does it mean? I know you can whisk

a woman away to someplace. Like to

McDonald’s, or Scotland.

BRANDON

I suppose you can.

2.

GAVIN

People don’t do enough whisking

these days. I mean, have you done

any whisking lately?

BRANDON

Not that I’m aware of.

GAVIN

Well. I can’t really imagine anyone

whisking without being aware of

it. When you whisk, you know you’re

whisking.

BRANDON

So do you want a shot of Highland

Park 30, or am I gonna have to

whisk you away from this bar?

GAVIN

I’ll have a shot. By the

way--what’s the going rate on that

whiskey?

BRANDON

It’s $50 a shot.

GAVIN

Is it gonna whisk me off of my

feet?

BRANDON

It’s gonna make you drunk.

GAVIN

Great. Pour me $50 worth.

Brandon gets the bottle and pours a shot. Gavin drinks some.

GAVIN

Mm. Worth every penny. You

know, this is my retirement party.

Party. Party. That’s a funny word,

too. But retirement isn’t a funny

word. Retirement. It sounds legal,

official. Retirement, party.

Retirement, party. Those two words

don’t go well together.

He drinks some more of his shot.

3.

GAVIN

I’m not so sure I’m even

retiring. My business partner

wanted to sell our business. So we

sold it. Does that mean I have to

retire? Am I tired? No. I’ve got

energy. I popped out of bed this

morning. Well, maybe not popped.

Popped. That’s a funny word, too.

Popped. Popped. Maybe that’s why

Pop Tarts are so popular. People

like the word pop. Also, they like

eating pastries for breakfast. Not

me, though. After I pop out of bed,

I eat cereal. Cereal’s a funny

word, too. But not as funny as pop.

BRANDON

I’m not so sure any of those words

are funny.

GAVIN

Well. Whiskey’s definitely a funny

word.

He drinks some more of his shot.

GAVIN

You know, back in my bachelor days,

I used to drink Evan Williams

whiskey. That’s also good stuff. I

don’t know if it’s the caliber of

Highland Park 30, though. Is Evan

Williams also $50 a shot?

BRANDON

It’s $12 a bottle.

GAVIN

Right. So is Highland Park 30 worth

a hundred times the price of Evan

Williams?

BARTENDER

Well. It might only be worth 50

times the price. But if I had your

money, I’d be willing to pay extra

for the best.

GAVIN

What money? My business wasn’t

Microsoft. It was a small chain of

dry cleaners.

4.

BARTENDER

What are you--George Jefferson or

something?

GAVIN

Close. I’m Gavin Mendelson. And you

are?

BRANDON

Brandon Carter.

GAVIN

Well, Brandon Carter. Your name

sounds significantly less Jewish

than mine.

Gavin finishes his shot.

GAVIN

$50 of whiskey, and I’m only 10%

drunk. This never happens with Evan

Williams. Let me get one more shot,

in glass of ginger ale.

BARTENDER

Ginger ale?

GAVIN

Yeah. Back when I used to drink

Evan Williams, a lot of times, I

drank it with ginger ale. Shweppes

Ginger Ale. Do you have any of

that?

BARTENDER

I do. But ginger ale really masks

the flavor of whiskey.

GAVIN

Well--with all due respect, I have

a lot of experience drinking

whiskey mixed with ginger ale. And

you probably have no experience

drinking that particular

combination. Am I right?

BARTENDER

Yeah.

GAVIN

So when it comes to whisky and

ginger ale, I’m the expert.

The Bartender touches the bottle.

5.

BARTENDER

This is Highland Park 30. It’s the

Rolls Royce of whiskey. You don’t

mix it with Schweppes Ginger Ale.

That would be like putting a "Honk

if You’re Horny" bumper sticker on

your Rolls Royce.

GAVIN

Well. I’m gonna go ahead and

question the legitimacy of your

analogy.

BARTENDER

OK. Fuck the analogy. I’m just

saying that you don’t mix premium

whiskey with anything. Especially

not Schweppes Ginger Ale.

GAVIN

Well. It’s my $50. And I want my

$50 shot my way.

BARTENDER

This ain’t Burger King. You can’t

have it your way. You can have it

straight up, or on the rocks.

GAVIN

Fine. Give me a shot straight up,

and a glass of ginger ale on the

side.

BARTENDER

.... Let me tell you something,

Gavin Meddleson.

GAVIN

Mendelson.

BARTENDER

I don’t care if your name is Barack

Hussein Obama. I’m not gonna let

you mix premium whiskey with ginger

ale. Those are two things that need

to remain apart from each other at

all times.

GAVIN

What are you--a segregationist?

6.

BARTENDER

I’m a bartender--and no bartender

with a shred of self-respect would

be willing to let some jackass

taint a shot of Highland Park 30.

GAVIN

... Have you ever been to Italy?

BARTENDER

Excuse me?

GAVIN

Italy. The boot shaped country in

Western Europe. Have you have ever

been there?

BARTENDER

No.

GAVIN

I’ve been there twice, Beautiful

country. Long history. Great pasta.

They have a saying in Italy. If I

remember correctly, it’s, "Vivi e

lascia vivere." It means "live and

let live."

BARTENDER

Well. We also have a saying here at

this bar. It goes a little

something like this. "Give me my

$50 and get the fuck out of here,

Gavin Mendelson."

GAVIN

Is that Italian?

BARTENDER

Cash or credit?

Gavin takes out his wallet and hands him a $50 bill.

GAVIN

Well. Here you go. ... Oh. And

here’s a tip. Fuck you. Now if

you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go to a

liquor store. Yeah. I’m gonna take

some of my retirement money, and

buy a six pack of Schweppes with a

bottle of Highland Park 30.

7.

BARTENDER

You better not.

GAVIN

I think I will. And I’ll drink it

in your honor. Cheers.

The Bartender attacks Gavin.

INT. GAVIN AND LYDIA’S HOME - DAY

Gavin walks in, with a Band-Aid on his forehead. He sees his

wife LYDIA (50).

GAVIN

Hi.

LYDIA

Hi. ... What’s with the Band-Aid?

GAVIN

Let’s just say I’m having some

trouble adjusting to life as a

retired person.

LYDIA

What kind of trouble?

GAVIN

Well. I got into a barfight.

LYDIA

Oh. Um. With who?

GAVIN

With a bartender.

LYDIA

How the hell did you get into a

barfight with a bartender?

GAVIN

He was offended by my order.

LYDIA

Did you order a sex on the beach

with his wife?

GAVIN

No. Whiskey and ginger ale. And

here’s a fun fact: bartenders

firmly believe that ginger ale

masks the flavor of whiskey.

8.

LYDIA

How firmly do they believe that?

GAVIN

Firmly enough to wrap their fingers

firmly around your neck.

LYDIA

I see. Well, are you OK?

GAVIN

Yeah. Now I can cross barfight off

of my bucket list.

INT. FRANK’S HOME - DAY

FRANK (65, Gavin’s brother) is on his speakerphone, and

talking to JOHN.

FRANK

Hey, John. Do you got a minute? I’m

having some problems with my TV.

JOHN

Oh. That sounds like it’s gonna

take more than a minute. You should

just call the cable company.

FRANK

The last time I called them, I

waited for 12 minutes to talk to

somebody, who ended up saying a

bunch of stuff I didn’t understand.

JOHN

Well what’s wrong with your TV?

FRANK

Well. I want to turn the TV on and

watch TV. But I can’t figure out

how. My TV is on--but there’s

nothing on my TV. No picture, no

sound. The TV’s power is on. But

the TV is not on. Something is

off. I don’t know what’s on and

what’s off. But I know I’m not

watching TV right now.

JOHN

Well. Is your Cable Box on?

9.

FRANK

I got ten devices, and they’re all

on. I turned on my TV, and

everything within a hundred yards

of my TV. My cable box, my DVD

player, my VCR, my clock, my

pinball machine. They’re on. But

apparently, something’s not on.

Otherwise, I’d be watching The Andy

Griffith Show right now. You know,

my grandson was here the other day,

and he hooked up some video game to

the TV. And now I can’t watch TV,

even though my TV is on.

JOHN

OK. He probably changed the input

setting. What you need to do is

press Input on your TV remote.

Frank looks at his remote.

FRANK

Input. Uh... I can’t find Input.

JOHN

That’s because you’re using the

wrong remote. You’re using your

cable box remote. Get your

TV remote, and press Input.

FRANK

My TV remote?

JOHN

The one that came with your actual

TV. What brand does it say on your

TV?

FRANK

Sony.

JOHN

OK. You need a remote that says

Sony on it.

FRANK

Let me find it.

(walks up to a small container

of remotes)

We got a container full of remotes

right here, next to our jellybeans.

OK. Let’s see.

10.

(examines the remotes)

I got five remotes, and three of

them say Sony.

JOHN

Well. Find the one that has

"channel up" and "channel down"

buttons.

Frank examines the remotes.

FRANK

OK. Let’s see. Sony, channel up,

channel down. I got it.

JOHN

Now press Input.

Frank finds and presses Input.

FRANK

... Alright. Some stuff popped up

on my TV.

JOHN

OK. Those are the Input options.

FRANK

There’s one option that says TV.

JOHN

Yeah. Don’t select that one.

FRANK

Don’t select TV?

JOHN

Yeah.

FRANK

What do you mean don’t select TV? I

want to watch TV on my TV.

JOHN

Right. If you want to watch TV on

your TV, don’t select TV.

FRANK

But it says TV.

JOHN

So?

11.

FRANK

What do you mean so? TV stand for

television.

JOHN

Do you want to watch television?

FRANK

Of course I want to watch

television.

JOHN

Well. If you want to watch

television, one of the main things

you need to know is that you should

never select the option on your

television that says TV.

FRANK

What the hell are you talking

about?

JOHN

Frank. Listen to me. The TV option

is the path to no TV. It’s like a

trap.

FRANK

Why is Sony trying to trap me into

watching no TV?

JOHN

Sony’s not trying to trap you. But

since you have a cable box, the TV

option is a like a trap. So instead

of selecting TV, select HDMI 1.

FRANK

HDMI 1 is the path to TV?

JOHN

Yes. Unless HDMI 2 or HDMI 3 is the

path to TV.

FRANK

OK. I went with HDMI 1, and now my

TV is on. It’s on on. It’s showing

that Kardashian girl. I can’t stand

her. Now, how do I use the Tivo

thingy to tape The Andy Griffith

Show every day?

12.

JOHN

OK. Press Menu.

FRANK

Um. ... I can’t find Menu.

JOHN

That’s because you’re using the

wrong remote. Use your cable

box remote.

FRANK

Which one’s that?

JOHN

It’s the first one you used. The

one that doesn’t say Sony.

Frank gets the other remote.

FRANK

OK. I got it. Menu. OK. Some stuff

popped on the screen.

JOHN

Now select search. Actually, no.

This is a little too advanced. I

don’t think I can teach it to you.

FRANK

Well. Forget about Andy Griffith

for a second. I have this DVD I

want to watch. I put the DVD in the

DVD machine. And the DVD machine is

on. Now what do I do?

JOHN

Press Input.

FRANK

I can’t find Input.

JOHN

Guess why? You’re using the wrong

fucking remote!

FRANK

Well which fucking remote should I

be using? The DVD remote?

JOHN

No. Your TV remote.

13.

FRANK

Which one is that again?

JOHN

The one that says Sony.

FRANK

I got three remotes that say Sony.

INT. GAVIN AND LYDIA’S HOME - DAY

Lydia is seated at a kitchen table and eating a

sandwich. Gavin walks in and sits down next to Lydia.

GAVIN

That sandwich looks good.

LYDIA

It tastes good, too.

GAVIN

I’ll bet it does.

LYDIA

Are you saying that you want me to

pause my meal, get up, and make you

a sandwich?

GAVIN

Of course not. What kind of a sick

human being would say that? I’m

just saying that there’s one

delicious sandwich in this kitchen,

and two people in this kitchen.

LYDIA

So you’re saying I should’ve made

sandwiches for both of us?

GAVIN

No. I’m just saying that it’s

lunchtime, and I’m here, and I like

sandwiches, and you’re eating a

sandwich.

LYDIA

So you’re saying you want me to

give you half of this sandwich?

GAVIN

Of course not. Half a sandwich

isn’t lunch. Lunch is a full

(MORE)

14.

GAVIN (cont’d)

sandwich. Like the full sandwich

that I don’t have on my plate right

now. I don’t even have a plate.

Lydia gets up, grabs a plate, and puts it on the table in

front of Gavin.

LYDIA

Well now you have a plate.

She takes another bite of her sandwich.

GAVIN

Great. This is why I married you. I

thought to myself, "Now there’s the

kind of woman who’ll give me an

empty plate when I’m hungry."

LYDIA

Is this what you’re gonna do now

that you’re retired? Give me some

bizarre daily diatribe on how I’m

eating a sandwich.

GAVIN

Well. I wasn’t planning on it.

LYDIA

Well. Let me ask you this. What are

you gonna do today?

GAVIN

I don’t know.

LYDIA

Well. What are you gonna do in

general, during your day-to-day

life? I mean, are we gonna go on

trips, or are you gonna find some

new line of work, or are you gonna

keep getting in barfights?

GAVIN

Honey. I told you. I’m gonna do

whatever for awhile, and then I’ll

stick with whatever, or I’ll move

on to some other stuff.

LYDIA

Well. "Gonna do whatever for a

while" is pretty vague. Can you

narrow that down a little?

15.

GAVIN

I’m gonna do some stuff for maybe,

like, a few months or years.

LYDIA

Great. Well I gotta go.

GAVIN

Where?

LYDIA

I gotta do some stuff. I’ll be home

at around 8.

She gets up and kisses him.

GAVIN

Can I have the rest of your

sandwich?

LYDIA

Bye.

She walks out.

GAVIN

(to himself)

Was that a yes or a no?

He takes out his phone and calls her.

GAVIN

(into cell phone)

Honey. I’m still not sure if I’m

allowed to eat the rest of this

sandwich.

INT. GAVIN AND LYDIA’S HOME (DEN) - DAY

(Later)

Gavin is watching TV and finishing a banana. The half eaten

sandwich from before is on the table next to him. He stares

at it. He takes out his cell phone and texts Lydia.

"Honey--can I eat the sandwich or not?" Five seconds later,

she texts him back: "Fuck off, Gavin."

The doorbell rings. He gets up and opens to door to reveal

Frank.

16.

GAVIN

Hi Frank.

FRANK

Hey. Uh. Congratulations on your

retirement.

GAVIN

Thank you.

FRANK

Can I watch some Andy Griffith

here? My TV’s pissing me off.

GAVIN

Uh. Sure.

He comes in.

GAVIN

Let me ask you a question first.

What exactly do retired people do?

FRANK

Well. Let’s see. I’ve been at it

for eight months now. And, uh, you

know. I watch Andy Griffith. When I

get my TV to turn on. And, uh, I

walk. I walk a lot.

GAVIN

Where do you walk?

FRANK

Wherever. I just go outside and I

walk somewhere.

GAVIN

And?

FRANK

And then I am somewhere.

GAVIN

And?

FRANK

And then I walk back home. And I

watch Andy Griffith. And, let’s

see. I pee a few times at night.

That’s another

thing retired people do.

17.

GAVIN

OK. Great. Since we’s both retired,

how about we go for a walk?

FRANK

OK. But I gotta pee first.

EXT. STREET / BAR - DAY

GAVIN

Hey. Can you do me a favor? Go into

that bar, sit down, and order a

shot of Highland Park 30, and a

glass of Schweppes Ginger Ale.

FRANK

Why?

GAVIN

Just do it. It’s on me. I’ll pay

for everything. It’s the best

whiskey in the world. Highland Park

30. I want you to try it.

FRANK

You’re gonna wait out here?

GAVIN

Yeah.

FRANK

Why?

GAVIN

I just want you to drink the

whiskey alone.

FRANK

Why?

GAVIN

Because if I’m with you, it’ll mask

the flavor of the whiskey.

FRANK

What?

He hands hims some bills.

GAVIN

Here. Here’s 80 bucks. The whiskey

costs $50.

18.

FRANK

$50 a bottle, or $50 a shot?

GAVIN

Don’t you know anything about

whiskey? Highland Park 30 is the

Rolls Royce of whiskey. You’re not

gonna get it for Hyundai prices.

FRANK

Hey. I drive a Hyundai.

GAVIN

And it’s a fantastic car. It’s like

the Evan Williams of cars. Now just

go in there and order a shot of

Highland Park 30. With a glass of

Schweppes Ginger Ale.

INT. BAR - DAY

Frank walks into the bar and sits down in front of Brandon.

Once again, there are no other customers present.

BRANDON

What can I get you?

FRANK

I’ll have a shot of Highland Park

30. And a glass of Schweppes Ginger

Ale.

BRANDON

Get the fuck out of my bar.

FRANK

Um. Excuse me?

BRANDON

Tell your buddy Gavin

Meddle-whatever the-fuck to piss

off.

FRANK

Gavin’s my brother. He’s outside.

Brandon walks outside.

19.

EXT. STREET / BAR - DAY

BRANDON

What are you doing here, asshole!

You’re harassing me.

GAVIN

I’m harassing you? I should’ve

called the cops earlier when you

attacked me.

BRANDON

What the fuck are you doing here?

Is this what you do all day now

that you’re retired?

GAVIN

No. I also complain about

sandwiches, and I pee several times

a day.

BRANDON

Well piss off. I have a business to

run.

GAVIN

You don’t seem to be doing much

business.

BRANDON

That’s none of your business.

GAVIN

Well. You’re right. It’s none of my

business. But I’m just saying. You

don’t seem to be getting many

customers. And, um, maybe I can

help you.

BRANDON

What the hell are you talking

about? Help me? I don’t want your

help. I’ve known you for five

minutes total, and I already

consider you my nemesis.

GAVIN

No. Listen. We just got off on the

wrong foot. You know. It was rude

for me to insist on mixing Highland

Park with Schweppes. Sometimes I’m

a little rude. It’s a character

flaw I’m working on.

20.

FRANK

You need to work harder on it.

GAVIN

Blow it out your ass, Frank.

FRANK

I rest my case.

GAVIN

(to Frank and Brandon)

Anyways, how about we all go in

there, and I buy the three of us a

shot of Highland Park 30--straight

up, no ginger ale. And we’ll have a

drink, and we’ll have a little

talk.

BRANDON

Are you serious?

GAVIN

Sure I’m serious. I want the three

of us to drink some $50 whiskey the

way it’s supposed to be drunk.

Straight up. No ginger ale.

INT. BAR - DAY

Gavin, Frank, and Brandon each have a shot in front of them.

Frank drinks some of his.

GAVIN

It’s good--isn’t it?

FRANK

Yeah. It’s like Evan Williams--but

smoother.

GAVIN

You clearly don’t know jack shit

about whiskey. Evan Williams and

Highland Park 30 are two completely

different drinks.

FRANK

How are they completely different?

GAVIN

How the hell should I know?

(to Brandon)

How are they completely different?

21.

BRANDON

Well. For starters, one is 30 year

old scotch whiskey, and the other

is 3 year old bourbon whiskey.

FRANK

Is that anything like the

difference between HDMI 1 and HDMI

2?

BRANDON

No. It’s more like the difference

between old barley in Scotland and

young corn in Kentucky.

FRANK

Right. By the way, if you want to

watch TV on your TV, don’t select

TV. And if you can’t find Input,

that means you’re using the wrong

fucking remote.

BRANDON

Are you one of those tech support

guys?

FRANK

Are you kidding me? Half the time,

I cant even turn on my own TV.

GAVIN

(to Brandon)

Anyways, how’s business here at

your bar?

BRANDON

What’s it to you?

GAVIN

Let’s just say it’s something to

me. How’s business here?

BRANDON

Let’s just say it’s been better.

GAVIN

"Better" as in you used to be

making a profit, and now you’re

losing money?

BRANDON

Maybe.

22.

GAVIN

Well. I want to try to turn things

around. I want to be your partner.

BRANDON

Excuse me?

GAVIN

I like this place. I like the idea

of running a bar. We can be

partners.

BRANDON

Why would I want to be partners

with you?

GAVIN

I have money. And you need money.

Otherwise, you might not stay in

business much longer.

BRANDON

Well. That might be true. But

you’re overlooking one thing. I

fucking hate you.

GAVIN

That’s good. I mean, the thing is,

we’re different. And I’ve made a

career out of partnering up with

people who aren’t like me. Let me

put it this way. Steve Jobs, Steve

Wozniak. Two completely different

guys. They partnered up, and that’s

what made Apple so great. That’s

what I do. I just sold a dry

cleaning business. I ran it with a

guy who’s nothing like me. And

before that, me and my cousin Joe

ran a stationary store. Joe is

nothing like me.

(to Frank)

Right, Frank?

FRANK

That’s true. You’re an obnoxious

son of a bitch, and Joe isn’t an

obnoxious son of a bitch.

GAVIN

Well. I wouldn’t put it quite like

that--but your basic point is

valid.

23.

(to Brandon)

Have you ever been to Italy?

BRANDON

Stop asking me that.

GAVIN

The point is, they have a saying in

Italy.

BRANDON

Fuck Italy.

GAVIN

No--that’s not the saying. They

wouldn’t say "Fuck Italy" in Italy.

That would be a very strange

Italian saying.

BRANDON

Just get to the point, here in

America. Don’t bring Italy into

this.

GAVIN

The point is, your name is Steve.

BRANDON

My name’s Brandon.

GAVIN

You’re Steve. I’m Steve, too. We’re

Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak.

FRANK

Can I also be Steve?

GAVIN

You want in on this business?

FRANK

Yeah. I got a little money in the

bank, and, you know, I wouldn’t

mind co-owning a bar.

GAVIN

Alright. I’ll cut you in.

BRANDON

Hold the phone here! You can’t sell

him a percentage of my business.

24.

GAVIN

Don’t worry. I’m selling him part

of my share.

BRANDON

You don’t have a share.

GAVIN

Do I have to explain the Steve and

Steve thing to you again?

BRANDON

Well as of right now, this bar is

owned by one Steve--and that Steve

is me, Brandon Carter.

GAVIN

Listen, Steve. Brandon Carter owns

a bar that’s gonna be out of

business in a few months. You need

to embrace your Steve-ness. I might

be an obnoxious son of a bitch. But

I’m an expert at embracing

Steve-ness. OK? Now, me and my

brother Steve are gonna join forces

with you, so we can be the three

Steves. That way, you’ll be able to

make a nice living, and buy your

wife a diamond ring and Rolls

Royce, and buy yourself a nice,

juicy, double Whopper with cheese.

Now how that sound, Stevey boy?

BRANDON

... Have you ever been to Italy?

GAVIN

A couple of times.

BRANDON

They have a little saying there.

"Mambo Italiano, pizza Chef

Boyardee." Which means, "If the

price is right, you got yourself a

deal, Steve."

GAVIN

Well. I’ll drink to that, Steve.

He picks up a shot.

25.

GAVIN

As they say in the Old Country:

salute, Steve.

The three of them click their glasses and drink their shots.