By Peg Kehret

© Copyright 2017, by Peg Kehret

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by PEG KEHRET to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEScene One: Flowered sofa, coffee table, large rocking chair, end tables,

big desk with a phone, non-matching desk chair, pots of African violets, vases, and other knickknacks. Inside the desk there is a calendar, phone book, and a felt-tip pen.

Scene Two: Same as in Scene One, with the addition of the following: pile of letters on desk, one envelope has an airplane ticket inside,papers on desk, umbrellas in urn.

Scene Two: Same as in Scene One, with the addition of the following: several suitcases, the smallest of which has an airline ticket lying on top of packed clothes.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene One:

Large ornate urn (MARIANNE, JACKIE)Purse, dustcloth (MARIANNE)Pad of paper, pencil, envelope, newspaper (ELIZABETH)Drill, fishing hat with flies (RUSS)Fishing poles, tackle boxes (JOHN, RUSS)

Scene Two:Paper on clipboard, pencil, envelope (ELIZABETH)

Scene Three:Tin of cookies (MARIANNE)Purse (ELIZABETH)Business card (MR. JANSEN)Bottle of champagne (JACKIE)Staple gun (RUSS)

SOUND EFFECTSDoorbell.

COSTUMESMost of the cast wear light summer clothing. John, however, wears a buttoned, cardigan sweater.

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For Carl.

JOHN: Thanks. (Flexes his biceps.) I kind of surprised myself.MARIANNE: Hello? Swan’s Mortuary? I’d like to cancel a casket.

(BLACKOUT.)END OF PLAY

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LET HIM SLEEP ’TIL IT’S TIME FOR HIS FUNERAL

By PEG KEHRET

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

JACKIE WESTMORE .............Dollefsons’ neighbor; in her early 115 fifties; Marianne’s friend

MARIANNE DOLLEFSON .......pretty woman in her late forties; 192 John’s wife

ELIZABETH DOLLEFSON .......age 15; Marianne and John’s 68 daughter; loves entering contests

RUSS WESTMORE ...............Jackie’s husband; John’s friend 143JOHN DOLLEFSON ...............age 49; balding with a slight 216

paunch; concerned about his ageMR. JANSEN .......................contest official 20

SETTINGTime: June, 1993.

Place: The living room of the Dollefson home.

SET DESCRIPTIONThere is a flowered sofa and a coffee table at CENTER. A large rocking chair is LEFT. There are two small end tables, one next to the rocker and the other to the right of the sofa. A big desk is at an angle at RIGHT. There is a desk chair that doesn’t match. Pots of African violets sit on the desk, coffee table, and end tables. There are an assortment of odds and ends such as vases and other knickknacks placed around the room. All are old and in poor condition. The effect is of homey clutter. A working door at LEFT leads to the kitchen and garage, while entrance DOWN RIGHT leads to the bedrooms. The door to the street is UP RIGHT.

ELIZABETH: Wow!MARIANNE: Twenty thousand dollars in cash?JACKIE: That’s even better than a lifetime supply of Sudsy Shampoo.RUSS: Congratulations, Elizabeth.JACKIE: I always knew she’d win someday.ELIZABETH: I won! I really won! (Bursts into tears.) Oh, I’m so happy.RUSS: We finally know why she cries all the time. It’s because she’s

so happy.JOHN: Thank you, Mr. Jansen.ELIZABETH: Yes, thank you.MR. JANSEN: (Hands ELIZABETH a business card.) You can come to

my office on Monday and pick up the check. And we’d like to take a few pictures while you’re there.

JOHN: This calls for a celebration! Tonight, we’ll celebrate two very special events, Elizabeth’s win and my wonderful fiftieth birthday.

MARIANNE: Your wonderful birthday? Did you hear that, Jackie? We’re going to celebrate John’s wonderful birthday.

JACKIE: Let’s have the champagne today.RUSS: What champagne?JACKIE: The champagne I bought to have after John’s funeral. It’s

hidden in the garage.RUSS: In John’s garage? We may never find it.JACKIE: Let’s get it right now. (EXITS LEFT with RUSS.)JOHN: Could you stay, Mr. Jansen? There isn’t going to be a murder or

a funeral, but there’s going to be quite a party.MR. JANSEN: Thanks, but I have to be going. I’ll see you on Monday,

Elizabeth. Your twenty thousand dollars will be ready.ELIZABETH: (Cries louder.) Thanks. Twenty thousand dollars… Wow!

(Runs OUT DOWN RIGHT. MR. JANSEN EXITS UP RIGHT.)JOHN: (Takes MARIANNE’S hand. They sit on the sofa.) Sweetheart, I’m

sorry I suspected you of having an affair.MARIANNE: It’s all right. I suspected you, too.JOHN: And I’m awfully sorry I spoiled your surprise.MARIANNE: I do think you would have enjoyed it. I was going to have

flowers and music and the most beautiful… Oh. Oh, dear. Excuse me a minute. (Jumps up, hurries to the telephone, and starts to dial. RUSS and JACKIE ENTER LEFT. JACKIE carries the bottle of champagne, RUSS has the staple gun.)

RUSS: Happy birthday, John. (Shoots the staple gun into the air.) You still pack quite a wallop for a man your age.

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LET HIM SLEEP ’TIL IT’S TIME FOR HIS FUNERAL

Scene OneAT RISE: The living room of the Dollefson home. It is the beginning of June. MARIANNE and JACKIE ENTER UP RIGHT, struggling to carry a large, decrepit, ornate urn. It is chipped, cracked, and dirty. They manage to get it in the door and put it between the coffee table and the rocking chair before they sink, exhausted, onto the sofa.JACKIE: Whew. When you asked me to help you carry it in, you didn’t

tell me it was solid lead.MARIANNE: It is heavy, isn’t it? The men at the auction put it in the

car for me, so I didn’t realize.JACKIE: Now that it’s here, what are you going to do with it?MARIANNE: I’m not sure. But it was too good to pass up.JACKIE: You could put it outside and use it for a birdbath.MARIANNE: (Gets up, puts her purse on the desk, and starts arranging

pots of African violets around the urn.) Maybe I can use it to display my violets. I’ve always wanted something unusual to help display my violets.

JACKIE: It is unusual.MARIANNE: (Stands back, judging how the violets look.) What do

you think?JACKIE: I think when John hears how much you paid for that, you’re

going to be in trouble.MARIANNE: (Puts plants back where they were.) No, it overpowers the

plants. I’ll have to think of something else.ELIZABETH: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, carrying a pad of paper and a

pencil.) Mom, do we have any Sudsy Shampoo? I need a label.MARIANNE: I think so.JACKIE: What contest are you entering this time?ELIZABETH: It’s the Sudsy Shampoo Slogan contest. They have a

brand new ingredient that no other shampoo has, and they’re having this contest to find a slogan for it. First prize is a lifetime supply of Sudsy Shampoo.

JACKIE: What’s the ingredient?ELIZABETH: Soap. Do you want to hear my slogan?JACKIE: Sure. (Listens intently, but MARIANNE is busy dusting off the urn.)ELIZABETH: (Recites, in singsong fashion.) “Suds your hair before

your date, you’ll make your boyfriend salivate.” (Looks expectant at JACKIE and MARIANNE.)

JOHN: Now wait a minute. Not prefers. I do not prefer to live in Mexico. I prefer to live right here in my own home. I am fleeing to Mexico! I go to protect my very life!

ELIZABETH: Is someone after you? Are you a spy?MARIANNE: (Stops crying, concerned.) Who would be after you? Are

you in some kind of trouble?JOHN: Ha! As if you didn’t know.RUSS: You might as well confess, Marianne. John knows all about

the murder.MR. JANSEN: There’s been a murder here?JOHN: Not yet. It’s scheduled for tomorrow.JACKIE: There’s going to be a murder?MARIANNE: What are you talking about?JOHN: We are talking about my murder. The one you have so

conveniently planned for this weekend.MARIANNE: You must be going crazy.JACKIE: Does that Mayo Clinic have a psychiatric ward?MARIANNE: Why would I want to murder my own husband?JOHN: So you can be free.RUSS: Free to marry Roy.MARIANNE: Roy who?JOHN: (Mimicks.) Roy, who? Oh, listen to her. I suppose you’re going

to deny that my brother Roy is coming here from Oklahoma City.MARIANNE: Well, no, I won’t deny that—JOHN: To say nothing of Swan’s Mortuary for Monday morning.MARIANNE: Oh, you found out. My surprise is ruined.JOHN: Yes, I found out. And a lucky thing for me that I did, too. I may

be getting old and weak, but I’m not senile yet.MR. JANSEN: (Still rubbing his eye.) You aren’t even very weak.JOHN: I can still get away from that murderer you hired.MARIANNE: Murderer! You thought… You actually thought I was going

to have you killed?JOHN: Weren’t you?MARIANNE: How can you think such a thing?JOHN: It wasn’t too hard when I was reading the list of flowers,

organist, casket…MARIANNE: So that’s it. You found the list. I was going to pretend

that you died. I was going to have a fake funeral and have all our

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JACKIE: That’s very clever, Elizabeth. I think you have a good chance of winning.

ELIZABETH: Thanks. I was going to rhyme with “drool” but I decided this is more sophisticated. As soon as I get this mailed, I’m going to start on my entry for the Heart’s Desire Contest.

MARIANNE: (Absently, still busy with the urn.) What Heart’s Desire Contest?ELIZABETH: The one in the newspaper. Win your Heart’s Desire.

Anything you want, as long as it doesn’t cost over twenty-thousand dollars. I’m going to ask for a college scholarship to Tank University.

JACKIE: But Tank University is a men’s school.ELIZABETH: I know. Wouldn’t it be fun? Mom, if we do have some

Sudsy Shampoo, where would it be?MARIANNE: Look in the bathroom.JACKIE: If you don’t find a label, you can look at my house. Russ

always buys Sudsy.ELIZABETH: Thanks. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)MARIANNE: Does it make you salivate?JACKIE: You really should encourage Elizabeth more. You hardly

listened to her slogan.MARIANNE: I encourage her by paying the postage on all those

contest entries.RUSS: (KNOCKS lightly at UP RIGHT door, then opens it slightly without

waiting. Calls in.) John? Are you home?MARIANNE: Come on in, Russ. (RUSS ENTERS UP RIGHT, carrying a

drill.) John went to get his hair cut. He should be back any minute.RUSS: I’m just returning his drill and borrowing a staple gun, if it’s ok.MARIANNE: Sure. Help yourself. You know where everything is in that

garage better than I do.RUSS: I see you’ve been to another auction. (Circles the urn.) What

is it?MARIANNE: It’s an urn. From the look of it, I’d say it’s a real antique.RUSS: From the look of it, I’d say…JACKIE: (Quickly.) She isn’t sure yet what she’s going to do with it.RUSS: Too bad spittoons aren’t in fashion anymore.JACKIE: Russ!MARIANNE: Listen, I was lucky to get this! There were two other

people bidding against me.RUSS: The owner and the auctioneer’s assistant.JACKIE: Don’t pay any attention to him, Marianne. He never has

appreciated antiques. (JOHN ENTERS LEFT, wearing a cardigan

critically ill father. All expenses paid. The best medical help in the United States.

JACKIE: I thought you asked for a scholarship to Tank University.ELIZABETH: I was going to, but that was before I knew about Daddy.JOHN: Why would I want to go to the Mayo Clinic?ELIZABETH: You don’t have to pretend any longer, Daddy. (Goes to

JOHN and puts her arms around him.) I know all about your illness, and I think you’re the bravest man that ever lived.

MARIANNE: His illness?JOHN: What illness?ELIZABETH: The illness you’re dying from.JOHN: Dying! I’m not dying. (Looks pointedly at MARIANNE.) At least

not dying from any illness.MR. JANSEN: You aren’t?JOHN: Of course not.MARIANNE: Whatever gave you such an idea?ELIZABETH: But I heard you, Daddy. You were talking to Russ and you

said you were going to slip quietly away. You even gave him your fishing pole to remember you by.

JOHN: But I didn’t mean I was going to die! I just meant… well, never mind what I meant.

MARIANNE: He just meant that he’s going to slip quietly away to Mexico.JOHN: How did you know that?MARIANNE: I was going to put some cookies in your suitcase and

when I opened it, I saw your plane ticket.ELIZABETH: You’re going to Mexico? I thought you were going to die.RUSS: I hope she isn’t too disappointed.MR. JANSEN: Then Elizabeth’s statement was based on false information.JACKIE: But she didn’t know it was false.ELIZABETH: What are you going to do in Mexico? Can I go, too?JOHN: I’m afraid not. You see…MARIANNE: We may as well tell her, John. She’s going to have to find

out sooner or later. (Goes to ELIZABETH and puts her hands on ELIZABETH’S shoulders.) Elizabeth… honey… your father is leaving us. (Starts to cry again.)

ELIZABETH: Leaving us? You mean you two are getting a divorce?JACKIE: (Crying again, too.) Oh, it’s so sad…MARIANNE: Yes, a divorce. Your father prefers to live in Mexico.

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sweater, buttoned, although the rest of the cast wear light-weight, summer clothing. He walks slowly, slightly bent, like a much older man. He eases into the rocking chair with a sigh, as if the effort of walking in had been too much for him.) Hello, John.

RUSS: Hi, John.JOHN: (Weak.) Hi.JACKIE: What’s the matter? Don’t you feel well?JOHN: I’m all right… for a man my age.RUSS: It must have been some party. You look like you were up

all night.JOHN: No, I went to bed at eight. I can’t keep those late hours like I

used to. (Sighs.)MARIANNE: (Goes and kisses JOHN hello.) Please don’t start this again.JOHN: The years creep by, and before you know it you can’t have fun

like you once did.RUSS: What’s wrong with you? You sound like my grandfather.JOHN: Do you realize that fifty years is half a century? Half a century!

I, John Dollefson, have been alive for nearly half a century.JACKIE: Congratulations, John. That’s quite an accomplishment.JOHN: No! It isn’t any accomplishment at all.MARIANNE: (Tries to change the subject.) Your haircut looks very nice.JOHN: That’s good, since it may be the last one I ever get.JACKIE: (Surprised.) You mean you’re going to let your hair grow long?JOHN: Ha! I wish I could. I mean that pretty soon I won’t have enough

hair left to bother cutting.MARIANNE: You aren’t that bald.JOHN: (Rubs hand over head.) I’ve seen more growth than this on a

moldy orange.MARIANNE: You’re exaggerating again.JOHN: You think so? Then why did the barber ask me if I wanted a cut

or a polish?RUSS: He was just joking.JOHN: And what about the shampoo? There were three people

ahead of me today, and he tried to sell all three of them a bottle of shampoo. But did he try to sell me some shampoo? No, he did not.

MARIANNE: You’ve been getting your hair cut there twice a month for six years, and you’ve never bought a bottle of shampoo. The barber probably got tired of trying to sell it to you, that’s all.

MR. JANSEN: That’s right.ELIZABETH: I’m Elizabeth.JOHN: (To RUSS.) It’s Elizabeth who’s involved with Mr. Heart’s Desire.RUSS: (Shocked.) And Marianne made the motel reservation for them!MR. JANSEN: (Crosses to ELIZABETH.) How do you do, Elizabeth?MARIANNE: What motel reservation?MR. JANSEN: I’m very happy to…JOHN: (Grabs MR. JANSEN by the shoulder, spins him around.) There

are laws against guys like you. Elizabeth’s only fifteen-years-old. (Socks MR. JANSEN in the eye. MR. JANSEN falls to the floor. JACKIE screams.)

ELIZABETH: Daddy! What are you doing? (Kneels on the floor by MR. JANSEN, trying to revive him.) Mr. Jansen is…

JOHN: I know what Mr. Jansen is. You don’t need to explain. (To MARIANNE.) No wonder she’s been crying so much. She’s too young for this sort of thing. Mrs. African Violet’s son would have been bad enough. But this! What were you thinking of, letting her get involved in something like this at her age?

MARIANNE: But John! Elizabeth’s been entering these contests since she was nine-years-old. You know that. Why should this one be any different?

JOHN: What one? (MR. JANSEN slowly comes to.)ELIZABETH: The Heart’s Desire Contest. Mr. Jansen said he’s from

the Heart’s Desire Contest—JOHN: Heart’s Desire is a contest?ELIZABETH: (Helps MR. JANSEN up.) I’m Elizabeth Dollefson. I’m the

one you want to see. I’m sorry about my father, but he hasn’t been himself lately, and he didn’t understand why you’re here and… Well, why are you here? Did I win?

MR. JANSEN: It’s my pleasure to inform you, Elizabeth (Groans and holds his eye.), that you are the grand prize winner in the Heart’s Desire Contest. (MARIANNE sits down and puts her head in her hands.)

ELIZABETH: Wow! Did you hear that? I won!RUSS: I can’t believe it. Elizabeth finally won something.JACKIE: Not just something. She won a scholarship to Tank University.ELIZABETH: Tank U!MR. JANSEN: You’re welcome!ELIZABETH: Is she right? Did I win a scholarship?MR. JANSEN: Why, no. There’s no scholarship. You’ve won a trip to

the Mayo Clinic for your father. (Suspicious, looks at JOHN.) Your

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JOHN: That barber’s no fool. He knows I won’t be needing shampoo much longer. All I’ll need is a damp cloth and maybe some suntan oil so my head won’t peel.

MARIANNE: You know what you really need?JOHN: Yes, a new body.MARIANNE: No. A new attitude. Just because you’re going to be fifty

in a couple of weeks—RUSS: So that’s it.JOHN: (Cringes.) I don’t want to talk about it.RUSS: But you’re acting like your life is practically over.JOHN: It is.RUSS: It is not. I’m past fifty, and I’m still here. I’ll bet half your friends

are over fifty.JOHN: Friends? What friends? Nobody has friends any more. The

world’s changed, Russ. It’s different now than it was when we were young. People cared about each other then. They trusted each other. Everybody looked out for the other guy. Now it’s dog eat dog.

MARIANNE: You’re being pessimistic. We have lots of friends. Why, I’ve been thinking of giving a nice party for you on your birthday— maybe a barbecue in the backyard— and I’ve had a terrible time keeping the guest list low enough so we can afford to do it.

JOHN: I don’t want a party. Especially not a birthday party. The only reason anyone would come is for the free food.

JACKIE: That’s a terrible thing to say. What kind of friends do you think we are?

MARIANNE: He doesn’t mean you, Jackie.JOHN: Everybody’s so busy trying to make ends meet these days that

there’s no time for friendship.JACKIE: Unless you die. Then everyone takes time to go to the funeral.JOHN: That’s true. I never thought of that before.JACKIE: When my aunt died, all the people who had been too busy to

go and visit her in the hospital managed to find time to attend the funeral. All I could think of that day was how much auntie would have enjoyed being there to visit with all her friends.

MARIANNE: That’s sad.JOHN: That’s very sad.JACKIE: I wish we could have had the funeral first, while auntie was

still here to enjoy it.JOHN: The worst part about turning fifty is that I have nothing to show

for it. Fifty years of living and nothing to show for it.

JACKIE: Oh, what a kind thing to say. (Also starts to cry. The women put their arms around each other and bawl. JOHN and RUSS ENTER UP RIGHT. They pause a minute, taking in the situation.)

RUSS: It looks like the wake has started a little early.JOHN: What’s going on here? (The WOMEN all speak at the same time.)JACKIE: Nothing’s going on.MARIANNE: We’re fine.ELIZABETH: Oh, Daddy…RUSS: Now you know. (Pulls JACKIE her to her feet.) Jackie, what’s the

matter? (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL RINGS.)JACKIE: It’s just so sad, watching a nice family like this fall apart.

(JOHN opens the door. It is MR. JANSEN.)MR. JANSEN: Good afternoon. I’m Mr. Jansen, representing Heart’s

Desire. Is Miss Dollefson at home?JOHN: You represent Heart’s Desire? Do come in.MR. JANSEN: (ENTERS.) Thank you.MARIANNE: (Jumps up from sofa, rushes to MR. JANSEN.) I have to

talk to you privately. (Takes his arm and tries to drag him into the kitchen.)

JOHN: Now wait a minute, Marianne. (Takes MR. JANSEN’S other arm and pulls the other way.) Anything you have to say can be said right here in front of everybody.

MARIANNE: No, it can’t. You don’t understand.JOHN: I understand that there’s been too much secrecy around here

already. Mr. Jansen, please state your business.RUSS: I think we’d better leave.JACKIE: I think so, too. (They move toward kitchen door.)JOHN: You stay right where you are. (They stop.) I may need witnesses.MARIANNE: Please, John. I need to see Mr. Jansen alone.MR. JANSEN: Actually, it’s Miss Dollefson that I want to see. (To

MARIANNE.) Is that you?MARIANNE: No, but…JOHN: Miss Dollefson? Do you mean that you are here to see Elizabeth?MR. JANSEN: That’s right. Miss Elizabeth Dollefson. Is she here?ELIZABETH: Yes, I…JOHN: Be quiet, Elizabeth.RUSS: I don’t believe it!JOHN: Let me make sure I understand. You represent Heart’s Desire,

and you want to see Elizabeth.

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JACKIE: That’s not true. You have lots to be proud of. You have a good marriage and a lovely daughter—

JOHN: If I died tonight, you wouldn’t have to bother with a funeral. I have so few friends, it wouldn’t be worth the trouble.

JACKIE: I’d come, John.RUSS: Not me. I’d say, “John who?”JACKIE: Russ!RUSS: John knows I’m kidding.JOHN: You aren’t far from the truth. A year from now, who would even

remember me?MARIANNE: I would.JOHN: George Gershwin died when he was only thirty-nine and look

how much he accomplished. “Rhapsody in Blue”… “Porgy and Bess”… “An American in Paris”…

RUSS: You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re highly thought of at work. You own your own home—

JOHN: It’s mortgaged.RUSS: And you own all your furnishings… (Gives a grand sweep of his

hand, stops when he gets to the urn, looks around at the rest of the knickknacks, pauses, and drops his hand.) John, do you think you could help me find the staple gun? I came over here to borrow it, and I’m not sure where it is.

JOHN: (Sighs loudly and rises slowly from the chair.) Fifty years, and all I have to show for it is a staple gun. (EXITS LEFT, followed by RUSS. As soon as they go, MARIANNE jumps up and rushes to the door, listening to be sure they’ve really gone.)

JACKIE: He is depressed, isn’t he? He didn’t even notice the urn.MARIANNE: (Slowly.) Jackie, you have given me a terrific idea.JACKIE: I have? What is it?MARIANNE: Promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not even Russ.JACKIE: I always tell Russ everything.MARIANNE: Not this time. You have to promise.JACKIE: All right, I promise. What’s your idea?MARIANNE: I know what I’m going to give John for his fiftieth birthday.

(Pauses, dramatic.) A funeral.JACKIE: What?MARIANNE: I’m going to give him a surprise funeral. His funeral. John

is going to have what your aunt didn’t have—the chance to attend his own funeral. All his friends will come and everyone from his

ELIZABETH: (Rushes IN the UP RIGHT door.) Did I get a phone call? Are there any messages? (Drops her purse on the floor and yells, urgent.) Mom! Were there any calls for me?

JACKIE: Just a minute, Elizabeth.MARIANNE: (Sits up, trying to compose herself.) Don’t shout, Elizabeth.

You didn’t get any calls.ELIZABETH: I didn’t? But it’s almost three-thirty. I thought for sure

there would be a message. (Stops, realizing that her mother has been crying.) What’s the matter?

MARIANNE: Nothing’s the matter.ELIZABETH: You’ve been crying.MARIANNE: It’s nothing. Just a little misunderstanding.ELIZABETH: (Suddenly knowing.) It’s all right, Mom. You can talk

to me.JACKIE: I think she’d rather not right now.ELIZABETH: It’s about Daddy, isn’t it?JACKIE: What makes you ask that?ELIZABETH: (Moves suitcase to floor, sits down next to MARIANNE.)

You don’t have to pretend. I already know about Daddy.MARIANNE: You do?ELIZABETH: (Nods.) I heard him talking to Russ one night.JACKIE: What did he say?ELIZABETH: He said he just wants to slip quietly away.MARIANNE: Oh, noooo. (Starts to cry again.)ELIZABETH: We have to be brave, Mom. We want to make his last

days with us happy days.MARIANNE: How can I be happy, knowing I’ll never see your father again?ELIZABETH: We’ll have our memories.JACKIE: You’re taking this very well, Elizabeth. I’m glad you aren’t

bitter toward your father.ELIZABETH: Why would I be bitter? I’ve had the sweetest…MARIANNE: (Simultaneously with JACKIE.) Ohhh…JACKIE: Ohhh…ELIZABETH: Nicest…MARIANNE: (Simultaneously with JACKIE.) Ohhh…JACKIE: Ohhh…ELIZABETH: (Emotional.) …most wonderful father any girl could ever

want. (Bursts into tears.)

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office. He’ll realize how much he means to everybody. He’ll see how important he is, and he’ll be happy again.

JACKIE: I’m not sure you can do that. It might be illegal.MARIANNE: Why would it be illegal to have a funeral?JACKIE: I think somebody has to die first.MARIANNE: I doubt very much if there is any such law.JACKIE: Maybe not. Probably the matter doesn’t come up often

enough for there to be a law. But how will people know about the funeral? You can’t very well send invitations.

MARIANNE: They’ll see the obituary notice. I’ll write it and send it to the paper, and they’ll print it.

JACKIE: What if the newspaper checks and finds out that John didn’t die?

MARIANNE: Why would they do that? You’re worrying about silly details. What’s the matter! Don’t you like my idea?

JACKIE: I’m not sure. I have to think about it.MARIANNE: Well, I like it. I have an instinct for these things. And I

know that this idea is right. It’s just what John needs to snap him out of this mood he’s in. Let’s see… (Goes to the desk and finds a calendar. Flips to the middle of the calendar.) John’s birthday is June twenty-eighth. (Looks at the calendar.) Oh, good, the twenty-eighth is a Monday. That’ll work out just fine. We’ll pretend that John dies on Friday night, the twenty-fifth. I’ll have the obituary printed on Saturday and hold the funeral Monday afternoon. We’ll make a long weekend of it.

JACKIE: It’ll be a long weekend, all right. How are you going to hide John all that time? You can’t let him go outside or answer the phone or anything. Once people hear that he’s dead, they’ll be coming to the house.

MARIANNE: That’s right. (Thinks a moment.) You’ll have to get rid of John for the weekend.

JACKIE: I’ll have to get rid of John?MARIANNE: You and Russ. Maybe I can send John over to your house

Friday night to borrow something, and Russ could keep him talking. Sort of like the man who came to dinner.

JACKIE: You expect Russ to keep John talking for three days?MARIANNE: I suppose that isn’t too realistic. But we’ll have to do

something.JACKIE: What about the fishing trip that John and Russ are always

talking about? Maybe they could do that.

MARIANNE: (Sniffs, wipes eyes.) I didn’t know we were having problems, either. How could I have been so blind? I understand everything now. I thought John was depressed because he’s turning fifty when all along he just wanted to get away from me.

JACKIE: Do you suppose there’s another woman?MARIANNE: Oh, no… (Lies face down across the suitcase and sobs.)JACKIE: (Sits next to her and pats her comfortingly.) I wonder who it is.MARIANNE: I don’t want to know.JACKIE: Of course you want to know. It wouldn’t be normal not to

wonder who your husband is having an affair with.MARIANNE: I just can’t believe it. John and have always been so

happy. At least, I’ve been happy, and I thought John was happy, too, until the last few weeks when he started worrying about getting old.

JACKIE: That’s probably when the affair started.MARIANNE: (Sits up.) Do you think so? No. We’re jumping to

conclusions. Just because John is leaving me and running away to Mexico, doesn’t mean that he’s having an affair. (Looks at the ticket again.) This is just a single ticket.

JACKIE: Of course it is. He had her ticket sent to her. It’s always done that way. Don’t you ever go to the movies?

MARIANNE: Jackie! I just thought of something terrible. (Starts pacing again.) If John goes to Mexico tonight, he won’t be here for his funeral!

JACKIE: That’s right. What a rotten thing to do. After all your planning and hard work, I should think the least he could do would be to wait until after his funeral to leave you.

MARIANNE: Of course, he doesn’t know about the funeral.JACKIE: Then I think you should tell him.MARIANNE: How can I tell him?JACKIE: Just say, “John, please stick around a few more days, because

I’m having a surprise funeral for you.”MARIANNE: (Puts cookie tin on coffee table. Closes suitcase.) That

would ruin the surprise. It isn’t any good unless it’s a surprise. Besides, if I tell him, he’ll know that I know that he’s leaving.

JACKIE: I just can’t believe it. I’ve read about men who desert their families, but I never thought John would be one of them.

MARIANNE: I’m going to miss him so. (Flops down across the suitcase and starts to cry again.)

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MARIANNE: That’s it. That’s perfect! Oh, Jackie, I knew you’d help. We’ll get Russ and John to go fishing. They can leave after work on Friday and not come home until Sunday night. Then on Monday morning, instead of waking John up to go to work, I’ll let him sleep until it’s time to get ready for his funeral. (Pause.) Maybe we should have the service in the morning, that way there won’t be such a time gap between the fishing and the funeral.

JACKIE: Russ is always gloomy on Monday morning anyway. He might as well have a good reason.

MARIANNE: I’ll wait until everyone is seated and it’s time to start the funeral, and then I’ll bring John in the back of the church to watch.

JACKIE: The church! Marianne, you can’t have this funeral in the church.MARIANNE: Why not? We’re members.JACKIE: It wouldn’t be proper. You’re having this funeral under false

pretenses and if you do it at church you’ll start a lot of trouble. You may anyway, but at least don’t involve the church in it. Can you imagine how many people might cancel their pledges if the press got wind of a deal like this? I can just see the headline: “Phony Funeral at St. James.”

MARIANNE: Then I’ll have it at a funeral home.JACKIE: That might not be so easy, either.MARIANNE: Why not? I’ll pay for the facilities.JACKIE: They’ll be expecting a body. They make their profit on the

preparations, too, not just on the funeral service.MARIANNE: I’ll tell them the body will arrive Monday morning. I’ll say

he’s out of town, and that’ll be true. He will be out of town, fishing with Russ. I’ll say I want a simple service with a closed casket.

JACKIE: Casket! Marianne, you’re going to have to buy a casket.MARIANNE: I suppose I will.JACKIE: Caskets are expensive. Even the plain, bottom-of-the-line

ones cost a couple of hundred dollars.MARIANNE: Oh, I won’t be getting bottom-of-the-line. I’ll have to buy

a fancy one.JACKIE: You will? I didn’t think you believed in spending a lot of

money on things like that. I’d have thought you’d choose a simple pine box.

MARIANNE: I would if John was really dead. But the purpose of this funeral is to show him how much everybody cares for him. I’ll have to get a fancy, expensive casket.

JACKIE: What will you do with it after the funeral?MARIANNE: Maybe I can sell it.

JACKIE: Why don’t we take John’s bag over to my house and put it in the car? That way when John comes home, he can leave right away.

MARIANNE: You mean John’s bags. Plural. Look at all the luggage he’s taking. (Points to the suitcases.)

JACKIE: All that?MARIANNE: You’d think he was leaving for a month’s safari instead

of a two-day fishing trip. He even wanted to pack his good suit. I wouldn’t let him, though. I had it cleaned especially for the funeral, and I was afraid it would get all wrinkled in the suitcase.

JACKIE: Why would he want to take his good suit to Red Rock Creek? All Russ packed is some extra underwear and his hip boots. He says he isn’t even going to shave while he’s gone.

MARIANNE: Not John. He packed every decent piece of clothing he owns.JACKIE: Then we’d better start carrying it over. (Gets up, grabs a

suitcase, and starts for UP RIGHT door.)MARIANNE: Just a minute. I baked some cookies to send along. I

want to put them in John’s suitcase, for a surprise. (EXITS LEFT, ENTERS again with a tin of cookies.) John loves my cookies, and these are his favorites—chocolate walnut yum yums.

JACKIE: That was a nice idea. If they don’t catch any fish, they’ll still have something to eat.

MARIANNE: (Picks up the smallest suitcase and puts it on the sofa. Opens it and starts to put the cookies in. Stops and stares at an airline ticket envelope which is lying on top of the packed clothes. Picks it up, opens it, and looks at the ticket.) Oh, Jackie. (Sits on the sofa.) No wonder he’s taking all his clothes with him.

JACKIE: (Leaves her suitcase by the door and goes to MARIANNE.) What is it? Why is he taking all his clothes?

MARIANNE: John isn’t going to Red Rock Creek at all. He’s going to Mexico.

JACKIE: Where?MARIANNE: He’s going to Mexico. Here’s his plane ticket.JACKIE: Why would John go to Mexico for the weekend when there are

plenty of fish in Red Rock Creek?MARIANNE: You don’t understand. He isn’t going for the weekend.

He’s going for good. Forever. This is a one-way ticket, Jackie. John is leaving me! (Starts to cry.)

JACKIE: Oh, you poor thing. I didn’t know you and John were having problems.

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JACKIE: I doubt if there’s much market for a used casket.MARIANNE: It wouldn’t be used. Not really.JACKIE: Maybe the funeral home would buy it back at a discount.MARIANNE: If they won’t, I’ll place a want ad.JACKIE: You could use it for a planter. Think how many African violets

it would hold.MARIANNE: I can always just store it in the garage. There’s so much

junk in there now that no one would even notice if I added a casket. John can keep his tools in it.

JACKIE: No matter what you do with it afterwards, you’ll still have to pay for it. That’s a lot to spend for an oversized tool box.

MARIANNE: That’s going to be the big problem… how to pay for all this. I was having enough trouble planning my budget for a barbecue.

JACKIE: Could you withdraw the money from your savings account?MARIANNE: I could. But John would kill me if he found out.JACKIE: Then you could have a double funeral. How romantic.MARIANNE: Except I’d be the only one dead. No thanks.JACKIE: At least that way the coffin wouldn’t go to waste.MARIANNE: (Goes to desk, thumbs through phone book.) I wonder if

the funeral home takes Mastercard.JACKIE: In case you want to die now, pay later?MARIANNE: They must have some kind of credit plan.JACKIE: Why don’t you just have John cremated and put his ashes in

your new urn?MARIANNE: That’s a great idea. (Goes to urn, looks at it, appreciative.) I

wouldn’t need to buy a coffin, and I could use this lovely antique… (Stops suddenly.) No! Jackie, I can’t cremate John. He won’t really be dead.

ELIZABETH: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, carrying an envelope and a newspaper. Puts the paper on the end table by the sofa.) I found a Sudsy label. I’m going to mail this right now so it’ll get postmarked before midnight. Then I can start on my Win Your Heart’s Desire entry. That one’s a local contest so I figure I’ll have a better chance to win. Fewer entries.

MARIANNE: (Interested for the first time.) What did you say the prize is in this Heart’s Desire thing?

ELIZABETH: You have to say what you want most in the world and the winner gets his wish. It can be anything as long as it doesn’t cost more than twenty-thousand dollars.

MARIANNE: (Looks through the letters in her hand, then shakes her head.) I thought for sure it would come today. (Starts opening the other letters.)

ELIZABETH: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, carrying an envelope.) I’m going to the mailbox.

MARIANNE: All right.ELIZABETH: (Hesitates at the door.) Mom, do we have hospital insurance?MARIANNE: Of course. Why do you ask?ELIZABETH: I just wondered. Doctor bills can add up pretty fast and…MARIANNE: You don’t need to worry about things like that. We have

a very good hospital plan. And we carry enough life insurance, too, so that if anything should happen to your father, you and I will still be provided for. (ELIZABETH wails loudly and rushes OUT UP RIGHT. MARIANNE looks after her helplessly. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP: It is Friday afternoon, June twenty-fifth. Several suitcases stand near the exit to the bedrooms. MARIANNE is pacing around the living room, nervous. JACKIE sits on the sofa watching her.JACKIE: Will you sit down? You’re going to wear a hole in the floor with

all that pacing.MARIANNE: Why don’t you call? It’s almost three o’clock.JACKIE: Are you sure the winner is going to be notified today? Maybe

you made a mistake.MARIANNE: I didn’t make a mistake. I’ve read the rules a hundred

times. “The winner of the Heart’s Desire Contest will be notified no later than six p.m. on Friday, June twenty-fifth.” That’s today.

JACKIE: They probably got so many entries that it’s taking longer than they thought to judge them all. Maybe they’ve extended the deadline.

MARIANNE: They can’t! I need the money by tomorrow or there won’t be any flowers at John’s funeral. And I promised the casket man a down payment and… Oh, Jackie, I’m getting scared. I’ve ordered all those things and… What if I don’t win?

JACKIE: You’re going to have a lot of explaining to do.MARIANNE: If I don’t win, I think I’ll kill myself, and you can have the

funeral for me. It would be easier than trying to cancel everything.JACKIE: You still have three hours.MARIANNE: I was hoping they’d call before John gets home. I’d rather

not have him here while I talk to the contest officials.

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MARIANNE: I could put on quite a funeral for twenty-thousand dollars.ELIZABETH: Did somebody die?MARIANNE: No… I was just thinking. Go ahead and mail your

entry. (Picks up the newspaper and starts looking through it for the contest.)

JACKIE: Good luck, Elizabeth. I hope you win all the Sudsy.ELIZABETH: Thanks. I figure if there’s anything at all to the law of

averages, then I’m about due to be a winner. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)JACKIE: Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?MARIANNE: (Nods.) I’ll win the contest and let the newspaper pay for

John’s funeral.JACKIE: What if you don’t win?MARIANNE: (Finds what she’s looking for.) Here it is. (Reads a

second.) Jackie! The winner will be notified on June twenty-fifth! The timing is perfect. And listen to this, “Entries will be judged on originality.” What could be more original than wanting a funeral for someone who hasn’t died? I’m a cinch to win. I think I’ll even invite John’s brother.

JACKIE: The one in Oklahoma?MARIANNE: Think how surprised John will be. They haven’t seen each

other in years. I can pay for the airplane ticket, and it won’t cost Roy a thing. He’ll come for sure if it doesn’t cost him anything.

RUSS: (ENTERS LEFT.) Did John leave the staple gun in here? We can’t find it.

MARIANNE: Russ, you know that fishing trip that you and John have always wanted to take?

RUSS: Yes.MARIANNE: We think you should take it.RUSS: You do? What changed your mind?MARIANNE: We think it might cheer John up.JACKIE: Make him forget about his birthday.RUSS: That’s a good idea. Maybe we could go next weekend.MARIANNE: (Quickly.) No. That’s too soon. I wouldn’t have

everything ready.RUSS: What’s to get ready? All we need is a couple of sleeping bags

and our fishing gear.MARIANNE: It’s too soon for us to get ready. Jackie and I want to plan

our weekend so we aren’t too lonely while you’re gone. Why don’t you wait and go on, say, June twenty-fifth? You could leave right after work on Friday and stay until Sunday night.

JOHN: What is it then?ELIZABETH: It’s personal.MARIANNE: Personal? (ELIZABETH nods.)JOHN: It’s too personal to discuss with your family, but not too personal

to write to strangers in a contest.ELIZABETH: I just don’t want to tell.MARIANNE: It isn’t something that will embarrass us, is it?ELIZABETH: No. I promise.MARIANNE: Just don’t get your hopes up too high. There are other

people who have spent a lot of time on their entries to this contest… adult, grown-up people who can write much more convincingly than you can.

ELIZABETH: (With great feeling.) They don’t want what they ask for as much as I do, though. (Finds some paper and starts back to her bedroom with it, again close to tears.) Nobody could want anything more than I want what I’m asking for. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

MARIANNE: Oh, dear. I wish Elizabeth wasn’t so bent on winning that contest. She’ll just be disappointed.

JOHN: What do you suppose her entry says?MARIANNE: Whatever it is, she’s certainly emotional about it.JOHN: Maybe she’s asking for a boyfriend.MARIANNE: I hope not.JOHN: No, she said it wouldn’t embarrass us.MARIANNE: Sometimes I think I’ll be glad when Elizabeth is safely

raised. Maybe when she’s all grown up and on her own, we’ll be able to stop worrying about her and start enjoying her.

JOHN: I enjoy Elizabeth now, except for the crying.MARIANNE: So do I. Probably we’ll even miss the crying in a few years.JOHN: I’ll miss it even sooner than that. (Sighs and walks toward

bedroom.) I guess I’d better start packing.MARIANNE: Packing for what?JOHN: For my trip, of course.MARIANNE: But you don’t leave for three days.JOHN: I have lots to get ready.MARIANNE: Russ said all you would take is your sleeping bag and

fishing gear.JOHN: That may be enough for Russ, but I’ll need to pack some

clothes. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

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RUSS: The twenty-fifth is fine with me.JOHN: (ENTERS LEFT.) Did you find it?MARIANNE: I haven’t seen the staple gun in weeks.RUSS: What are you doing the weekend of the twenty-fifth? Do you

have anything planned?JOHN: At my age, you don’t plan that far ahead. I may be here… or I

may not.RUSS: How does a weekend in the woods sound? Two days of sunshine

and fresh air. Fishing in the streams, sleeping under the stars…JOHN: Getting arthritis in my back.RUSS: Picture it, John. Just you and me on the bank of Red Rock

Creek, eating our breakfast of freshly caught trout. No telephone, no interruptions. We’ll be two he-men in the rugged outdoors. Pioneers, living off the land. Pitting our strength against the wiles of nature.

JOHN: I don’t think Marianne would let me.MARIANNE: I want you to go.JOHN: You do?MARIANNE: I think it’s a fine idea. You and Russ work hard. You

deserve a little vacation.RUSS: What do you say, John? Are you willing?JOHN: I don’t know. (Interested in spite of himself.) It’s been a long

time since I backpacked into the woods, and I’m not getting any younger. I’m not sure I could do it.

RUSS: Of course you can do it. You’re in your prime! A little hiking is just what you need to firm up the old muscles, get rid of the flab.

JOHN: Well…MARIANNE: He’ll go.RUSS: Good.JOHN: What will you do that weekend?JACKIE: We’re going to do some shopping.MARIANNE: For a planter for the African violets.RUSS: Ed Davis went to Red Rock Creek last weekend and caught his

limit both days.JOHN: His limit. (Straightens up, as if feeling better.) Well, if Ed Davis

can do it, you and I can certainly… (Notices the urn for the first time.) What the devil is that thing? (Walks to it, standing straight and forgetting to act old.) No… don’t tell me what it is. Just tell me how much you paid for it.

MARIANNE: Believe me, it was a real bargain.

JOHN: I don’t even know the Hathaways.MARIANNE: Then it’s time you got acquainted. Alice is a lovely

person—such a way with violets—and I’m sure her husband and son are fine people, too.

JOHN: Then you don’t know them either.MARIANNE: We could have them this weekend. No, we couldn’t. You’ll

be gone fishing.JOHN: (Testing her.) What about the weekend after that?MARIANNE: I hate to wait that long when Elizabeth’s so unhappy.JOHN: (Nods knowingly.) Besides, you might be very busy by then.MARIANNE: No. Actually, I expect to be busier this weekend than I’ve

been for a long time.JOHN: You do?MARIANNE: I certainly do.JOHN: (Sly.) If you’re going to be so busy, maybe I should cancel the

fishing trip and stay home to help you.MARIANNE: No. You can’t do that.JOHN: Why not?MARIANNE: Why not? Uh, the things that I’m going to do aren’t things

that you can help with. They’re just… (Flounders, thinking what to say.) …you might say they’re just female things.

JOHN: Oh, my God.ELIZABETH: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and crosses to the desk.) Do we

have any paper? I want to copy my entry on clean paper.MARIANNE: Why don’t you give yourself a rest? Skip this one contest?ELIZABETH: I couldn’t.MARIANNE: But you’ll be disappointed if you don’t win and with a

prize like that the competition is certain to be very stiff.ELIZABETH: I think I have a chance. I have a good entry.JOHN: What is it?ELIZABETH: (Evasive.) What is what?JOHN: What is your entry? Let’s hear it.ELIZABETH: My entry for the Sudsy contest was really good. It went,

“Suds your hair before your date and make your…”JOHN: I already heard your Sudsy entry. I want to hear this one.ELIZABETH: If you don’t mind, I’d rather not tell.MARIANNE: Why not?JOHN: You aren’t asking for something illegal, are you?ELIZABETH: No.

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JOHN: That means she paid more than fifty dollars. Whenever she says it was a real bargain, it means over fifty dollars. Of course, it could be worse. If she’d said it was a steal, I’d know it cost over one-hundred dollars.

RUSS: Let’s take a look at our fishing gear and see if we need to get anything before our trip. (RUSS and JOHN EXIT LEFT.)

MARIANNE: It’s going to work. Everything is falling right into place. He’s acting more normal already, don’t you think?

JACKIE: He did notice the urn.MARIANNE: John is going to have the biggest, most exciting funeral

of his entire life.JACKIE: I hope you know what you’re doing.MARIANNE: The first thing I have to do is get my entry written for the

Heart’s Desire Contest. Then I can make Roy’s plane reservation and order the casket and hire an organist and… I’d better make a list. (Goes to the desk.) I’ll never remember everything if I don’t make a list.

JACKIE: What will you do if you don’t win the contest?MARIANNE: I’ll win. I have to. It’s the only way I can possibly pay for

all this. (Rummages through the desk drawers.) Why is there never any paper when I need it? (Rips off the calendar’s cover, and writes “John’s Funeral” in large letters with a felt tip pen and shows it to JACKIE.) Look, Jackie. There it is in print. John’s Funeral. (Writes.) Hire organist… order flowers… reserve Swan’s Mortuary… (Looks up.) I think Swan’s is the best, don’t you? I kind of like their jingle on the radio. (Sings, to the tune of “Happy Birthday to You.”) “Have your swan song at Swan’s.”

JACKIE: (Walks to rear door.) I have to go home and start dinner. I’ll see you later.

MARIANNE: (Writes again.) Plan music… I wonder if we could work in the Hallelujah chorus. It’s always been John’s favorite.

JACKIE: Maybe when John enters.MARIANNE: Write obituary… Oh, this is going to be fantastic!

John’s funeral will be so much fun, he’ll feel like a teenager before it’s over.

JACKIE: I hope so. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)MARIANNE: (Looks at list, thinks a second.) John’s suit. I’d better take

his good suit to the cleaners right away. (Drops the list on the desk as she hurries OFF DOWN RIGHT. JOHN and RUSS ENTER LEFT, carrying fishing poles and tackle boxes. JOHN has a lovely pole, RUSS’ is much smaller and older. RUSS wears a fishing hat with flies

MARIANNE: Heavens, no. I’ll be much too busy to sit around being lonesome. (Goes to the desk.) I have lots of exciting things planned for this weekend.

JOHN: I’ll bet.MARIANNE: Where’s the mail?JOHN: (Jumps guiltily.) What mail?MARIANNE: Today’s mail. I thought I saw it on the desk before I went

over to Jackie’s. Didn’t Elizabeth bring it in?JOHN: Oh. That mail. It’s right here. (Picks up the envelopes on the floor.)MARIANNE: Why is it on the floor?JOHN: I dropped it. My hands aren’t as steady as they once were.

(Gives the letters to MARIANNE.)MARIANNE: What we need is a nice antique letter holder to keep on

the desk. I’ll have to watch for one the next time I go to an auction.JOHN: A shoe box would be cheaper.MARIANNE: Cheaper maybe, but not nearly as attractive.JOHN: You already have enough antiques to open a shop.MARIANNE: I like old things. The older the better.JOHN: (Under his breath.) Except for men.MARIANNE: What?JOHN: Nothing. Just talking to myself. Another sign of advancing age.MARIANNE: Will you stop talking like that? Sometimes I think

that’s what’s upsetting Elizabeth. She only seems to cry when you’re home.

JOHN: Since when did Elizabeth listen to what I say? She’s probably unhappy, because she doesn’t have a boyfriend.

MARIANNE: Don’t talk sexist.JOHN: I’m not. You told me that the reason Elizabeth never sees

Debbie any more is because Debbie has a boyfriend. Maybe Elizabeth’s jealous.

MARIANNE: I hadn’t thought of that. Elizabeth probably is feeling left out. Maybe I should talk to Alice Hathaway.

JOHN: Who?MARIANNE: Alice Hathaway, the president of the African Violet Society.

Her son is in Elizabeth’s class. Maybe Alice could get him to invite Elizabeth to go out.

JOHN: You’ll do nothing of the sort. Elizabeth will get plenty of boyfriends without help from us.

MARIANNE: Maybe we could just invite the Hathaways over for a family get-together.

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stuck all over it. JOHN seems like a different person, jaunty and full of pep. He sticks his pole in the urn. RUSS does the same. Then they sit on the sofa and tinker with the fishing gear.)

JOHN: I can almost taste those fish already. (Removes his sweater.)RUSS: Food always tastes better outdoors.JOHN: That’s because you’re hungrier. You work up an appetite.RUSS: Think of it, two whole days at Red Rock Creek.JOHN: Our limit of trout.RUSS: (Jerking at the reel in his hand.) I don’t suppose you’d have

a hairpin, would you? When this reel sticks, I always use one of Jackie’s hairpins to get it loose.

JOHN: (Feels all over his head.) No, I don’t seem to have one just now. Maybe Marianne has one in her purse. (Walks to the desk, reaches for purse, sees the calendar cover with the list on it. Picks it up and reads the list. Visibly shaken, sits down on the desk chair, glazed, disbelieving.)

RUSS: (Not looking at JOHN, still fooling with the reel.) Did you find one?JOHN: So that’s the reason…RUSS: What’s the reason? (Looks up.) What’s the matter? Are you okay?JOHN: (Trembling and clearly upset.) It all makes sense now. I should

have known. I should have guessed.RUSS: Do you feel all right? What makes sense?JOHN: This trip. This fishing trip suddenly makes sense.RUSS: Of course it makes sense. We’ve been wanting to do it for

two years.JOHN: (Takes a deep breath, gets control of himself.) Tell me something.

Haven’t you wondered why Jackie and Marianne were suddenly so agreeable about this trip? They never wanted us to go before.

RUSS: (Shrugs.) They think we deserve a vacation.JOHN: But why now? Why, after all this time, do we suddenly deserve

a vacation?RUSS: Who cares why, as long as they want us to go.JOHN: Who suggested that you and I should take this trip?RUSS: I don’t know. What difference does it make?JOHN: It’s important. Who brought it up first?RUSS: I guess it was Marianne.JOHN: I knew it. I understand everything.RUSS: You may understand everything but I’m getting more confused

by the minute.

tears and runs OFF back into the bedroom.) What’s the matter with Elizabeth? Did I say something wrong?

JOHN: No. She cries all the time lately. Marianne thinks it’s just a stage she’s going through. She says teenage girls like to cry.

RUSS: You think Elizabeth enjoys that wailing?JOHN: She must or she wouldn’t do so much of it.RUSS: You know, John, just about the time I start regretting that

Jackie and I never had a family, Elizabeth does something to change my mind.

JOHN: Thanks.MARIANNE: (ENTERS UP RIGHT. She is bubbly and happy, a marked

contrast to JOHN’S gloom.) Oh, hello, dear. I didn’t know you were home already. (Kisses JOHN lightly on the cheek. RUSS stares in astonishment.) Hi, Russ.

RUSS: Have you always done that?MARIANNE: Done what?RUSS: Kissed John when he comes home from work?MARIANNE: Sure. It’s just kind of a habit we got into but it’s a nice

habit, don’t you think?RUSS: Marianne, you amaze me. You really amaze me. I’ll see you

later, John. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)MARIANNE: My goodness, I wonder why Russ acted so surprised that

I would kiss you hello.JOHN: I guess he wasn’t expecting it.MARIANNE: I don’t know why not. It’s a perfectly natural thing to do.

I’d miss it if I didn’t kiss you when you come home. It wouldn’t seem right.

JOHN: I wonder if you’ll miss it when I’m gone.MARIANNE: Now don’t start that again. Your fiftieth birthday is not

something to dread. In fact, I can guarantee that this is one birthday you’ll remember for a long, long time.

JOHN: It’s pretty memorable already, and it isn’t even here yet.MARIANNE: When it gets here, it’s going to be spectacular. I don’t

know when I’ve looked forward to anything as much as I’m looking forward to this.

JOHN: You’re that glad to see me go?MARIANNE: I know you’ll have a good time on your fishing trip.JOHN: You won’t be lonely?

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JOHN: I may as well tell you. (Looks at the list again, then at RUSS.) When Marianne says goodbye to me that Friday night, she never expects to see me again.

RUSS: Oh, come on. A fishing trip isn’t that strenuous. We won’t overdo it or get lost or anything.

JOHN: I’m not talking about getting lost.RUSS: Then what are you talking about?JOHN: Marianne is going to have me murdered.RUSS: (Drops the reel.) What?!JOHN: You heard me. Marianne is going to have me bumped off while

we’re out in the woods somewhere.RUSS: You’re crazy. Marianne wouldn’t do a thing like that. Where did

you get that idea?JOHN: (Holds up the calendar cover.) Here’s the plan for my funeral.

Reserve Swan’s Mortuary for Monday morning, June twenty-eighth. Order flowers. Hire organist. She’s even buying a coffin.

RUSS: Let me see that. (Takes the list, reads, stunned.) I can’t believe it. Marianne! Planning a murder.

JOHN: Not just a murder. My murder.RUSS: But why the fishing trip?JOHN: Maybe she wants to be sure I die happy.RUSS: If Marianne has hired someone to kill you, he could do it just

as well right here.JOHN: No, Marianne hates the sight of blood. If I’m murdered

somewhere else, she won’t have to clean up the mess.RUSS: Or maybe it’s supposed to look like an accident.JOHN: Sure! It’s supposed to look accidental. That way Marianne can

collect on the insurance. Probably I’ll drown in Red Rock Creek.RUSS: (Looks at list again.) She thought of everything, didn’t she?JOHN: Everything except hiding the list.RUSS: Why would Marianne want to murder you? She always seems

so happy.JOHN: I’m getting old. Old and decrepit. (Returns to the “old” posture

and speech again.) I’ll be fifty soon, you know. It’s straight downhill from here. (Puts his sweater back on.)

RUSS: That’s ridiculous. I’m fifty-three and Jackie hasn’t murdered me. She’s threatened a few times but she did that when I was twenty-three, too.

JOHN: (Ignores the joke.) The old body is wearing out, Russ. One by one, the parts start to deteriorate. First the hair… then the

RUSS: How can it be?JOHN: I know who Marianne’s lover is. It’s Roy.RUSS: Your brother, Roy?JOHN: My younger brother, Roy. My handsome, bachelor, younger

brother, Roy. The one with all the hair. Marianne’s trading me in for a newer model.

RUSS: Maybe he’s just coming for your funeral.JOHN: He wouldn’t know about that yet. Oh, that rat. That dirty,

stinking, hairy rat. (Gets up and stomps around.) He always did have eyes for Marianne. He took her out first, you know. Only I’m the one she wanted. He admitted he was hurt. Why, at our wedding he said to her, “Marianne,” he said, “If this big idiot doesn’t treat you right, you just say the word, and I’ll come and take you away from him.” That’s what he said.

RUSS: And now you think Marianne has said the word.JOHN: It all fits together. I leave here on Friday. I meet with a tragic

accident on Saturday. My younger brother arrives on Sunday for the funeral, and then he just stays on to comfort the widow. In a few months, they have a quiet wedding. No scandal. No problems. She won’t even have to change her name.

RUSS: I wonder why they sent the confirmation here. Why wouldn’t they send it to Roy?

JOHN: I don’t know, unless… (They look at each other.)RUSS: Marianne must be paying for his ticket.JOHN: You did say he was paying the motel bill.RUSS: Still, why else would the agency send it here?JOHN: You’re right. It hurts to admit it, but you’re right. I’m not even

gone yet, and Marianne’s already spending the insurance money on another man.

RUSS: Why don’t you confront her with the evidence? Tell her you know about Roy and cancel the reservation.

JOHN: What good would that do? No, if Marianne’s in love with someone else, I won’t stand in her way. I’ll just destroy the evidence (Rips the paper and envelope into pieces.) and pretend that I don’t know a thing. (Drops the pieces on the urn.) I want our last days together to be happy ones.

RUSS: You’re a big man, John.JOHN: She called me Big Daddy. (ELIZABETH ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.)RUSS: Elizabeth, do you realize that your father is a very special

person? (ELIZABETH stares at them for a second, then bursts into

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waistline. A pretty woman like Marianne deserves more than a broken down old man. (Sinks into the rocker.)

RUSS: (Suspicious.) You aren’t… (Hesitates.) Uh… you aren’t having trouble, are you?

JOHN: Of course I’m having trouble. I just told you my wife is going to have me murdered. How much trouble do you want?

RUSS: That isn’t what I mean. I mean, can you still… that is, are you still able…

JOHN: (Has no idea what RUSS is trying to ask.) Can I still what?RUSS: Can you… well, what I’m wondering is do you and Marianne still…?JOHN: Do Marianne and I still what?RUSS: In bed. You know… can you?JOHN: (Pause. Realizes what RUSS is thinking.) Oh. Oh, you’re wondering

if I can still…RUSS: Yes.JOHN: Well, sure. Yes, if you must know… I’m still perfectly able. Not

that it’s any of your business.RUSS: I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pry. I’m just looking for a reason

why Marianne would want to get rid of you.JOHN: It isn’t because of our sex life. My hair may be going and my

waistline may be nonexistent, but I’m still okay in that department.RUSS: Good. I’m glad to hear it.JOHN: It must be the insurance money she wants.RUSS: Maybe we’re jumping to conclusions. We really don’t have any

proof that Marianne’s planning to murder you.JOHN: She has my whole funeral planned.RUSS: Maybe she’s just being prepared, in case of an emergency.JOHN: Sure. She even knows what date the emergency is going to

happen. (Points to the list.) There’s my proof.RUSS: All this proves is that she’s planning your funeral. It doesn’t

mean she’s going to kill you.JOHN: How else could she have a funeral for me? I know she gets

some crazy ideas sometimes, but even Marianne wouldn’t put on a funeral unless she had a corpse.

RUSS: The whole thing is just so unbelievable. I mean, Marianne! She’s the last person I’d ever suspect of murder.

JOHN: Yes.RUSS: Well, at least you found out in time. What are you going to do

about it?JOHN: I don’t know. What can I do?

JOHN: Twenty-six years you live with a woman. You think you know her. Sometimes you even think you understand her, and then you find out that somebody else is her heart’s desire. Heart’s desire! (Sighs.) All she ever called me was Big Daddy.

RUSS: I wonder who it is.JOHN: Probably an antique dealer. They’ll spend my insurance money

on urns. (Listless, shuffles through the letters. Suddenly drops all but one on the floor. Looks closely at it.) Look at this! That stupid girl at the travel agency sent my plane ticket here. I told her twice to be sure to mail it to my office. Look! (Waves the envelope at RUSS.) She even addressed it to Mrs. John Dollefson. (Gets up and stomps around, waving the letter.) It’s just a good thing I got home before Marianne saw this. Usually she opens the mail. What if she’d opened this and found a one-way ticket to Mexico? (Rips open the envelope.) Can you just imagine what would have happened if Marianne had been the one to open this envelope? What would she have said? What would I have said? (Looks at contents of envelope, looks at RUSS, looks back at contents.) It isn’t my ticket to Mexico.

RUSS: What is it?JOHN: It’s a ticket to Oklahoma City. Flight twenty-three. Sunday, June

twenty-seventh.RUSS: Who’s going to Oklahoma City?JOHN: I don’t know.RUSS: Maybe Marianne bought it for you. Do you think your burial is

going to be out of town?JOHN: How should I know? I’m not planning the funeral. I’m only

supposed to contribute the body.RUSS: I’ll bet Marianne hired an out-of-state killer and that’s his

escape flight. (Gets excited.) Maybe we should notify the FBI. They could arrest him at the airport.

JOHN: Arrest him for what? I’ll be in Mexico.RUSS: Oh. That’s right.JOHN: (Looks at ticket again.) Wait a minute. This isn’t a ticket to

Oklahoma City. It’s confirmation of a flight coming here from Oklahoma City.

RUSS: Who do you know in Oklahoma City? Or, rather, who does Marianne know? That letter was addressed to Mrs. Dollefson.

JOHN: Oh, my God. Not him.RUSS: Who?JOHN: (Sinks into rocker.) It’s worse than I thought. Much worse.

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RUSS: I suppose the first thing to do is call the police. They could stake out the whole area around Red Rock Creek and as soon as the killer comes near you, they can arrest him.

JOHN: What if they don’t see him in time?RUSS: Or what if it’s Marianne? Maybe she’s planning to follow us and

do it herself.JOHN: No. I told you, she hates the sight of blood. This is a job for a

professional killer.RUSS: Let’s not go to Red Rock Creek. We could go to Sun Lake

instead. When we get home, we’ll just say we changed our minds at the last minute.

JOHN: What if she had us followed?RUSS: Then it wouldn’t matter where we went.JOHN: That doesn’t solve the problem anyway. Even if I escape this

time, I’d always be expecting it. I’d be afraid to empty the garbage after dark.

RUSS: (Puts list back on the desk, picks up phone.) Let’s just call the police and let them tell us what to do.

JOHN: No!RUSS: (Starts to dial.) They know about things like this.JOHN: (Jumps out of rocker.) No, I won’t call the police. (Grabs the

phone from RUSS and hangs it up.) They might arrest Marianne.RUSS: That would seem like a reasonable possibility.JOHN: Well, I won’t have it. (Marches to urn. RUSS follows.) Marianne’s

a fine, respectable, upright…RUSS: Murderer.JOHN: No! Well, maybe. But she certainly doesn’t belong in jail. Think

what it would do to Elizabeth.RUSS: A murdered father won’t be so good for Elizabeth, either. You

have to do something. You can’t just go on that fishing trip and let yourself get killed.

JOHN: I will do something.RUSS: What?JOHN: Before I tell you, I want your word that you won’t tell anyone

about any of this. Especially not Jackie.RUSS: But…JOHN: Marianne and Jackie have been close friends for years

and there’s no reason to spoil their friendship by telling Jackie about this.

RUSS: I don’t know…

RUSS: The husband always thinks that.JOHN: She may be planning to murder me, but she’s still an honest,

trustworthy person. Marianne would never be unfaithful. (Realizes that there is a reason for this conversation.) Why do you ask?

RUSS: Because Marianne’s over at my house using the phone, and she didn’t know I was in the next room.

JOHN: Yes?RUSS: I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help hearing.JOHN: So what did you hear?RUSS: I don’t know quite how to say this, John, but… Well, Marianne

just called the Starburst Motel and made a reservation.JOHN: I wonder why she would do that.RUSS: Why do women usually go to a motel in the same town where

they live?JOHN: You think Marianne’s meeting someone there?RUSS: Can you think of a better explanation?JOHN: The Starburst is only six blocks from here. If Marianne wanted

to have an affair, she’d go farther away than that to make sure I didn’t see her.

RUSS: You won’t be here to see her. The reservation is for Sunday night, June twenty-seventh. (JOHN sits on the sofa.) She made the reservation under the name Dollefson so I can’t tell you who the man is.

JOHN: Sunday night. She isn’t even going to wait until after my funeral.RUSS: She sounded pretty eager.JOHN: Eager? What did she say?RUSS: Well, for one thing, she specified one bed.JOHN: She didn’t!RUSS: She did. She said, “Oh, one bed will be just fine. The other one

wouldn’t get used anyway.” (JOHN groans.) And then after Marianne hung up, Jackie asked her if she was going to go over and make a deposit on the room, and Marianne said, “No, my heart’s desire will pay for it.”

JOHN: That’s what she called him? Her heart’s desire?RUSS: That’s what she said.JOHN: I guess you were right that day when you asked me if I was

having trouble with my sex life. I am having trouble. I just didn’t know it.

RUSS: How could you not know it?

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JOHN: Please, Russ. I want this to be our secret.RUSS: Well, all right. Now what do you plan to do?JOHN: I’ll run away.RUSS: Great. I always knew you weren’t a coward.JOHN: I’ll desert. Lots of people do it. I’ll leave here on the twenty-fifth,

just as if everything were fine. I’ll kiss Marianne goodbye and get in the car with you and drive away. Only I won’t be going to Red Rock Creek. I’ll be going to Mexico.

RUSS: Mexico!JOHN: I’m going to disappear. I’ll slip into Mexico, change my name,

and never be heard from again. I’ll have my fiftieth birthday south of the border. I’ve heard the Mexicans treat their elderly very well. I can be happy there, alone and unwanted. (ELIZABETH ENTERS UP RIGHT, unseen.)

RUSS: Are you sure that’s how you want it, John?JOHN: That’s how I want it. I’ll just quietly slip away. No tears, no fuss.

(ELIZABETH hears this and looks questioningly at the MEN.)RUSS: What about your funeral? Marianne has a lovely funeral planned

for you. (Horrified, ELIZABETH puts her hands to her mouth and stares at JOHN.)

JOHN: Marianne can still have the funeral. It can be a memorial service. I like that better anyway. I never could stand the thought of everyone looking at my poor worn out body. (ELIZABETH sinks into the desk chair, holding back tears.)

RUSS: If you’re sure that’s how you want it.JOHN: That’s how I want it.RUSS: I guess we won’t be needing these things after all. (Takes his

fishing pole out of the urn.)JOHN: Would you like to have my rod and reel? Sort of a going away

present to remember me by?RUSS: (Deeply touched.) Thanks, John. I’d like that. (JOHN takes rod

from urn and gives it to RUSS. RUSS chokes up.) It won’t be the same around here without you, pal.

JOHN: No tears. No goodbyes. I’ll just slip away. (They are silent for a beat.) You may as well have some of my tools, too. Where I’m going, I won’t need them.

RUSS: Thanks, pal. I’ll think of you whenever I use them. (He and JOHN EXIT LEFT. JOHN walks slowly, almost shuffling, as if old and in pain.)

ELIZABETH: (Stares after the MEN for a second, then bursts into tears.) Oh, Daddy… I don’t want you to die! (Puts her head down on the desk and sobs. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: It is two weeks later. The urn now stands by the rear door, with umbrellas in it. ELIZABETH is walking around the room with paper on a clipboard and a pencil, composing her entry for the Heart’s Desire Contest. She talks aloud to herself as she writes.ELIZABETH: My Heart’s Desire is to have the best medical care

possible for my father. He is fifty years old… (Stops, scratches that out, continues.) …He’s only forty-nine years old, and he has an incurable disease. (Pauses as the horror of her words sink in. Her lip trembles, but she forces herself to continue.) It’s important for him to get help right away, because otherwise he won’t live long enough to see me graduate from high school (Becomes more and more emotional.), and he won’t be here for my wedding and… (Unable to continue, stands, crying.)

JOHN: (ENTERS from DOWN RIGHT.) Hi, honey. Where’s your mom?ELIZABETH: (Wipes away the tears.) Hi, Dad. She went over to Jackie’s.JOHN: What’s wrong? Why are you crying?ELIZABETH: Nothing’s wrong. I was just writing something sad.JOHN: If it’s that sad, it ought to be a best-seller. The public loves a

good cry. Is there any mail?ELIZABETH: It’s on the desk. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT. JOHN picks up the

pile of letters on the desk. There is a KNOCK from UP RIGHT.)RUSS: (Opens the door.) John?JOHN: Come on in.RUSS: I have to talk to you. Alone. Where’s Elizabeth?JOHN: She’s in her bedroom. (Points. RUSS grabs JOHN’S arm and

pulls him to near the rocker.) What’s the matter with you? What are you doing?

RUSS: Shhhh. I have something to tell you and I don’t want Elizabeth to hear.

JOHN: It must be quite a joke.RUSS: This is no joke. (Lowers his voice.) Have you ever suspected

Marianne of being unfaithful?JOHN: Marianne?RUSS: Shhhh! Yes, Marianne.JOHN: Of course not. Marianne wouldn’t cheat on me.

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JOHN: Please, Russ. I want this to be our secret.RUSS: Well, all right. Now what do you plan to do?JOHN: I’ll run away.RUSS: Great. I always knew you weren’t a coward.JOHN: I’ll desert. Lots of people do it. I’ll leave here on the twenty-fifth,

just as if everything were fine. I’ll kiss Marianne goodbye and get in the car with you and drive away. Only I won’t be going to Red Rock Creek. I’ll be going to Mexico.

RUSS: Mexico!JOHN: I’m going to disappear. I’ll slip into Mexico, change my name,

and never be heard from again. I’ll have my fiftieth birthday south of the border. I’ve heard the Mexicans treat their elderly very well. I can be happy there, alone and unwanted. (ELIZABETH ENTERS UP RIGHT, unseen.)

RUSS: Are you sure that’s how you want it, John?JOHN: That’s how I want it. I’ll just quietly slip away. No tears, no fuss.

(ELIZABETH hears this and looks questioningly at the MEN.)RUSS: What about your funeral? Marianne has a lovely funeral planned

for you. (Horrified, ELIZABETH puts her hands to her mouth and stares at JOHN.)

JOHN: Marianne can still have the funeral. It can be a memorial service. I like that better anyway. I never could stand the thought of everyone looking at my poor worn out body. (ELIZABETH sinks into the desk chair, holding back tears.)

RUSS: If you’re sure that’s how you want it.JOHN: That’s how I want it.RUSS: I guess we won’t be needing these things after all. (Takes his

fishing pole out of the urn.)JOHN: Would you like to have my rod and reel? Sort of a going away

present to remember me by?RUSS: (Deeply touched.) Thanks, John. I’d like that. (JOHN takes rod

from urn and gives it to RUSS. RUSS chokes up.) It won’t be the same around here without you, pal.

JOHN: No tears. No goodbyes. I’ll just slip away. (They are silent for a beat.) You may as well have some of my tools, too. Where I’m going, I won’t need them.

RUSS: Thanks, pal. I’ll think of you whenever I use them. (He and JOHN EXIT LEFT. JOHN walks slowly, almost shuffling, as if old and in pain.)

ELIZABETH: (Stares after the MEN for a second, then bursts into tears.) Oh, Daddy… I don’t want you to die! (Puts her head down on the desk and sobs. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: It is two weeks later. The urn now stands by the rear door, with umbrellas in it. ELIZABETH is walking around the room with paper on a clipboard and a pencil, composing her entry for the Heart’s Desire Contest. She talks aloud to herself as she writes.ELIZABETH: My Heart’s Desire is to have the best medical care

possible for my father. He is fifty years old… (Stops, scratches that out, continues.) …He’s only forty-nine years old, and he has an incurable disease. (Pauses as the horror of her words sink in. Her lip trembles, but she forces herself to continue.) It’s important for him to get help right away, because otherwise he won’t live long enough to see me graduate from high school (Becomes more and more emotional.), and he won’t be here for my wedding and… (Unable to continue, stands, crying.)

JOHN: (ENTERS from DOWN RIGHT.) Hi, honey. Where’s your mom?ELIZABETH: (Wipes away the tears.) Hi, Dad. She went over to Jackie’s.JOHN: What’s wrong? Why are you crying?ELIZABETH: Nothing’s wrong. I was just writing something sad.JOHN: If it’s that sad, it ought to be a best-seller. The public loves a

good cry. Is there any mail?ELIZABETH: It’s on the desk. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT. JOHN picks up the

pile of letters on the desk. There is a KNOCK from UP RIGHT.)RUSS: (Opens the door.) John?JOHN: Come on in.RUSS: I have to talk to you. Alone. Where’s Elizabeth?JOHN: She’s in her bedroom. (Points. RUSS grabs JOHN’S arm and

pulls him to near the rocker.) What’s the matter with you? What are you doing?

RUSS: Shhhh. I have something to tell you and I don’t want Elizabeth to hear.

JOHN: It must be quite a joke.RUSS: This is no joke. (Lowers his voice.) Have you ever suspected

Marianne of being unfaithful?JOHN: Marianne?RUSS: Shhhh! Yes, Marianne.JOHN: Of course not. Marianne wouldn’t cheat on me.

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RUSS: I suppose the first thing to do is call the police. They could stake out the whole area around Red Rock Creek and as soon as the killer comes near you, they can arrest him.

JOHN: What if they don’t see him in time?RUSS: Or what if it’s Marianne? Maybe she’s planning to follow us and

do it herself.JOHN: No. I told you, she hates the sight of blood. This is a job for a

professional killer.RUSS: Let’s not go to Red Rock Creek. We could go to Sun Lake

instead. When we get home, we’ll just say we changed our minds at the last minute.

JOHN: What if she had us followed?RUSS: Then it wouldn’t matter where we went.JOHN: That doesn’t solve the problem anyway. Even if I escape this

time, I’d always be expecting it. I’d be afraid to empty the garbage after dark.

RUSS: (Puts list back on the desk, picks up phone.) Let’s just call the police and let them tell us what to do.

JOHN: No!RUSS: (Starts to dial.) They know about things like this.JOHN: (Jumps out of rocker.) No, I won’t call the police. (Grabs the

phone from RUSS and hangs it up.) They might arrest Marianne.RUSS: That would seem like a reasonable possibility.JOHN: Well, I won’t have it. (Marches to urn. RUSS follows.) Marianne’s

a fine, respectable, upright…RUSS: Murderer.JOHN: No! Well, maybe. But she certainly doesn’t belong in jail. Think

what it would do to Elizabeth.RUSS: A murdered father won’t be so good for Elizabeth, either. You

have to do something. You can’t just go on that fishing trip and let yourself get killed.

JOHN: I will do something.RUSS: What?JOHN: Before I tell you, I want your word that you won’t tell anyone

about any of this. Especially not Jackie.RUSS: But…JOHN: Marianne and Jackie have been close friends for years

and there’s no reason to spoil their friendship by telling Jackie about this.

RUSS: I don’t know…

RUSS: The husband always thinks that.JOHN: She may be planning to murder me, but she’s still an honest,

trustworthy person. Marianne would never be unfaithful. (Realizes that there is a reason for this conversation.) Why do you ask?

RUSS: Because Marianne’s over at my house using the phone, and she didn’t know I was in the next room.

JOHN: Yes?RUSS: I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help hearing.JOHN: So what did you hear?RUSS: I don’t know quite how to say this, John, but… Well, Marianne

just called the Starburst Motel and made a reservation.JOHN: I wonder why she would do that.RUSS: Why do women usually go to a motel in the same town where

they live?JOHN: You think Marianne’s meeting someone there?RUSS: Can you think of a better explanation?JOHN: The Starburst is only six blocks from here. If Marianne wanted

to have an affair, she’d go farther away than that to make sure I didn’t see her.

RUSS: You won’t be here to see her. The reservation is for Sunday night, June twenty-seventh. (JOHN sits on the sofa.) She made the reservation under the name Dollefson so I can’t tell you who the man is.

JOHN: Sunday night. She isn’t even going to wait until after my funeral.RUSS: She sounded pretty eager.JOHN: Eager? What did she say?RUSS: Well, for one thing, she specified one bed.JOHN: She didn’t!RUSS: She did. She said, “Oh, one bed will be just fine. The other one

wouldn’t get used anyway.” (JOHN groans.) And then after Marianne hung up, Jackie asked her if she was going to go over and make a deposit on the room, and Marianne said, “No, my heart’s desire will pay for it.”

JOHN: That’s what she called him? Her heart’s desire?RUSS: That’s what she said.JOHN: I guess you were right that day when you asked me if I was

having trouble with my sex life. I am having trouble. I just didn’t know it.

RUSS: How could you not know it?

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waistline. A pretty woman like Marianne deserves more than a broken down old man. (Sinks into the rocker.)

RUSS: (Suspicious.) You aren’t… (Hesitates.) Uh… you aren’t having trouble, are you?

JOHN: Of course I’m having trouble. I just told you my wife is going to have me murdered. How much trouble do you want?

RUSS: That isn’t what I mean. I mean, can you still… that is, are you still able…

JOHN: (Has no idea what RUSS is trying to ask.) Can I still what?RUSS: Can you… well, what I’m wondering is do you and Marianne still…?JOHN: Do Marianne and I still what?RUSS: In bed. You know… can you?JOHN: (Pause. Realizes what RUSS is thinking.) Oh. Oh, you’re wondering

if I can still…RUSS: Yes.JOHN: Well, sure. Yes, if you must know… I’m still perfectly able. Not

that it’s any of your business.RUSS: I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pry. I’m just looking for a reason

why Marianne would want to get rid of you.JOHN: It isn’t because of our sex life. My hair may be going and my

waistline may be nonexistent, but I’m still okay in that department.RUSS: Good. I’m glad to hear it.JOHN: It must be the insurance money she wants.RUSS: Maybe we’re jumping to conclusions. We really don’t have any

proof that Marianne’s planning to murder you.JOHN: She has my whole funeral planned.RUSS: Maybe she’s just being prepared, in case of an emergency.JOHN: Sure. She even knows what date the emergency is going to

happen. (Points to the list.) There’s my proof.RUSS: All this proves is that she’s planning your funeral. It doesn’t

mean she’s going to kill you.JOHN: How else could she have a funeral for me? I know she gets

some crazy ideas sometimes, but even Marianne wouldn’t put on a funeral unless she had a corpse.

RUSS: The whole thing is just so unbelievable. I mean, Marianne! She’s the last person I’d ever suspect of murder.

JOHN: Yes.RUSS: Well, at least you found out in time. What are you going to do

about it?JOHN: I don’t know. What can I do?

JOHN: Twenty-six years you live with a woman. You think you know her. Sometimes you even think you understand her, and then you find out that somebody else is her heart’s desire. Heart’s desire! (Sighs.) All she ever called me was Big Daddy.

RUSS: I wonder who it is.JOHN: Probably an antique dealer. They’ll spend my insurance money

on urns. (Listless, shuffles through the letters. Suddenly drops all but one on the floor. Looks closely at it.) Look at this! That stupid girl at the travel agency sent my plane ticket here. I told her twice to be sure to mail it to my office. Look! (Waves the envelope at RUSS.) She even addressed it to Mrs. John Dollefson. (Gets up and stomps around, waving the letter.) It’s just a good thing I got home before Marianne saw this. Usually she opens the mail. What if she’d opened this and found a one-way ticket to Mexico? (Rips open the envelope.) Can you just imagine what would have happened if Marianne had been the one to open this envelope? What would she have said? What would I have said? (Looks at contents of envelope, looks at RUSS, looks back at contents.) It isn’t my ticket to Mexico.

RUSS: What is it?JOHN: It’s a ticket to Oklahoma City. Flight twenty-three. Sunday, June

twenty-seventh.RUSS: Who’s going to Oklahoma City?JOHN: I don’t know.RUSS: Maybe Marianne bought it for you. Do you think your burial is

going to be out of town?JOHN: How should I know? I’m not planning the funeral. I’m only

supposed to contribute the body.RUSS: I’ll bet Marianne hired an out-of-state killer and that’s his

escape flight. (Gets excited.) Maybe we should notify the FBI. They could arrest him at the airport.

JOHN: Arrest him for what? I’ll be in Mexico.RUSS: Oh. That’s right.JOHN: (Looks at ticket again.) Wait a minute. This isn’t a ticket to

Oklahoma City. It’s confirmation of a flight coming here from Oklahoma City.

RUSS: Who do you know in Oklahoma City? Or, rather, who does Marianne know? That letter was addressed to Mrs. Dollefson.

JOHN: Oh, my God. Not him.RUSS: Who?JOHN: (Sinks into rocker.) It’s worse than I thought. Much worse.

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JOHN: I may as well tell you. (Looks at the list again, then at RUSS.) When Marianne says goodbye to me that Friday night, she never expects to see me again.

RUSS: Oh, come on. A fishing trip isn’t that strenuous. We won’t overdo it or get lost or anything.

JOHN: I’m not talking about getting lost.RUSS: Then what are you talking about?JOHN: Marianne is going to have me murdered.RUSS: (Drops the reel.) What?!JOHN: You heard me. Marianne is going to have me bumped off while

we’re out in the woods somewhere.RUSS: You’re crazy. Marianne wouldn’t do a thing like that. Where did

you get that idea?JOHN: (Holds up the calendar cover.) Here’s the plan for my funeral.

Reserve Swan’s Mortuary for Monday morning, June twenty-eighth. Order flowers. Hire organist. She’s even buying a coffin.

RUSS: Let me see that. (Takes the list, reads, stunned.) I can’t believe it. Marianne! Planning a murder.

JOHN: Not just a murder. My murder.RUSS: But why the fishing trip?JOHN: Maybe she wants to be sure I die happy.RUSS: If Marianne has hired someone to kill you, he could do it just

as well right here.JOHN: No, Marianne hates the sight of blood. If I’m murdered

somewhere else, she won’t have to clean up the mess.RUSS: Or maybe it’s supposed to look like an accident.JOHN: Sure! It’s supposed to look accidental. That way Marianne can

collect on the insurance. Probably I’ll drown in Red Rock Creek.RUSS: (Looks at list again.) She thought of everything, didn’t she?JOHN: Everything except hiding the list.RUSS: Why would Marianne want to murder you? She always seems

so happy.JOHN: I’m getting old. Old and decrepit. (Returns to the “old” posture

and speech again.) I’ll be fifty soon, you know. It’s straight downhill from here. (Puts his sweater back on.)

RUSS: That’s ridiculous. I’m fifty-three and Jackie hasn’t murdered me. She’s threatened a few times but she did that when I was twenty-three, too.

JOHN: (Ignores the joke.) The old body is wearing out, Russ. One by one, the parts start to deteriorate. First the hair… then the

RUSS: How can it be?JOHN: I know who Marianne’s lover is. It’s Roy.RUSS: Your brother, Roy?JOHN: My younger brother, Roy. My handsome, bachelor, younger

brother, Roy. The one with all the hair. Marianne’s trading me in for a newer model.

RUSS: Maybe he’s just coming for your funeral.JOHN: He wouldn’t know about that yet. Oh, that rat. That dirty,

stinking, hairy rat. (Gets up and stomps around.) He always did have eyes for Marianne. He took her out first, you know. Only I’m the one she wanted. He admitted he was hurt. Why, at our wedding he said to her, “Marianne,” he said, “If this big idiot doesn’t treat you right, you just say the word, and I’ll come and take you away from him.” That’s what he said.

RUSS: And now you think Marianne has said the word.JOHN: It all fits together. I leave here on Friday. I meet with a tragic

accident on Saturday. My younger brother arrives on Sunday for the funeral, and then he just stays on to comfort the widow. In a few months, they have a quiet wedding. No scandal. No problems. She won’t even have to change her name.

RUSS: I wonder why they sent the confirmation here. Why wouldn’t they send it to Roy?

JOHN: I don’t know, unless… (They look at each other.)RUSS: Marianne must be paying for his ticket.JOHN: You did say he was paying the motel bill.RUSS: Still, why else would the agency send it here?JOHN: You’re right. It hurts to admit it, but you’re right. I’m not even

gone yet, and Marianne’s already spending the insurance money on another man.

RUSS: Why don’t you confront her with the evidence? Tell her you know about Roy and cancel the reservation.

JOHN: What good would that do? No, if Marianne’s in love with someone else, I won’t stand in her way. I’ll just destroy the evidence (Rips the paper and envelope into pieces.) and pretend that I don’t know a thing. (Drops the pieces on the urn.) I want our last days together to be happy ones.

RUSS: You’re a big man, John.JOHN: She called me Big Daddy. (ELIZABETH ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.)RUSS: Elizabeth, do you realize that your father is a very special

person? (ELIZABETH stares at them for a second, then bursts into

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stuck all over it. JOHN seems like a different person, jaunty and full of pep. He sticks his pole in the urn. RUSS does the same. Then they sit on the sofa and tinker with the fishing gear.)

JOHN: I can almost taste those fish already. (Removes his sweater.)RUSS: Food always tastes better outdoors.JOHN: That’s because you’re hungrier. You work up an appetite.RUSS: Think of it, two whole days at Red Rock Creek.JOHN: Our limit of trout.RUSS: (Jerking at the reel in his hand.) I don’t suppose you’d have

a hairpin, would you? When this reel sticks, I always use one of Jackie’s hairpins to get it loose.

JOHN: (Feels all over his head.) No, I don’t seem to have one just now. Maybe Marianne has one in her purse. (Walks to the desk, reaches for purse, sees the calendar cover with the list on it. Picks it up and reads the list. Visibly shaken, sits down on the desk chair, glazed, disbelieving.)

RUSS: (Not looking at JOHN, still fooling with the reel.) Did you find one?JOHN: So that’s the reason…RUSS: What’s the reason? (Looks up.) What’s the matter? Are you okay?JOHN: (Trembling and clearly upset.) It all makes sense now. I should

have known. I should have guessed.RUSS: Do you feel all right? What makes sense?JOHN: This trip. This fishing trip suddenly makes sense.RUSS: Of course it makes sense. We’ve been wanting to do it for

two years.JOHN: (Takes a deep breath, gets control of himself.) Tell me something.

Haven’t you wondered why Jackie and Marianne were suddenly so agreeable about this trip? They never wanted us to go before.

RUSS: (Shrugs.) They think we deserve a vacation.JOHN: But why now? Why, after all this time, do we suddenly deserve

a vacation?RUSS: Who cares why, as long as they want us to go.JOHN: Who suggested that you and I should take this trip?RUSS: I don’t know. What difference does it make?JOHN: It’s important. Who brought it up first?RUSS: I guess it was Marianne.JOHN: I knew it. I understand everything.RUSS: You may understand everything but I’m getting more confused

by the minute.

tears and runs OFF back into the bedroom.) What’s the matter with Elizabeth? Did I say something wrong?

JOHN: No. She cries all the time lately. Marianne thinks it’s just a stage she’s going through. She says teenage girls like to cry.

RUSS: You think Elizabeth enjoys that wailing?JOHN: She must or she wouldn’t do so much of it.RUSS: You know, John, just about the time I start regretting that

Jackie and I never had a family, Elizabeth does something to change my mind.

JOHN: Thanks.MARIANNE: (ENTERS UP RIGHT. She is bubbly and happy, a marked

contrast to JOHN’S gloom.) Oh, hello, dear. I didn’t know you were home already. (Kisses JOHN lightly on the cheek. RUSS stares in astonishment.) Hi, Russ.

RUSS: Have you always done that?MARIANNE: Done what?RUSS: Kissed John when he comes home from work?MARIANNE: Sure. It’s just kind of a habit we got into but it’s a nice

habit, don’t you think?RUSS: Marianne, you amaze me. You really amaze me. I’ll see you

later, John. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)MARIANNE: My goodness, I wonder why Russ acted so surprised that

I would kiss you hello.JOHN: I guess he wasn’t expecting it.MARIANNE: I don’t know why not. It’s a perfectly natural thing to do.

I’d miss it if I didn’t kiss you when you come home. It wouldn’t seem right.

JOHN: I wonder if you’ll miss it when I’m gone.MARIANNE: Now don’t start that again. Your fiftieth birthday is not

something to dread. In fact, I can guarantee that this is one birthday you’ll remember for a long, long time.

JOHN: It’s pretty memorable already, and it isn’t even here yet.MARIANNE: When it gets here, it’s going to be spectacular. I don’t

know when I’ve looked forward to anything as much as I’m looking forward to this.

JOHN: You’re that glad to see me go?MARIANNE: I know you’ll have a good time on your fishing trip.JOHN: You won’t be lonely?

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JOHN: That means she paid more than fifty dollars. Whenever she says it was a real bargain, it means over fifty dollars. Of course, it could be worse. If she’d said it was a steal, I’d know it cost over one-hundred dollars.

RUSS: Let’s take a look at our fishing gear and see if we need to get anything before our trip. (RUSS and JOHN EXIT LEFT.)

MARIANNE: It’s going to work. Everything is falling right into place. He’s acting more normal already, don’t you think?

JACKIE: He did notice the urn.MARIANNE: John is going to have the biggest, most exciting funeral

of his entire life.JACKIE: I hope you know what you’re doing.MARIANNE: The first thing I have to do is get my entry written for the

Heart’s Desire Contest. Then I can make Roy’s plane reservation and order the casket and hire an organist and… I’d better make a list. (Goes to the desk.) I’ll never remember everything if I don’t make a list.

JACKIE: What will you do if you don’t win the contest?MARIANNE: I’ll win. I have to. It’s the only way I can possibly pay for

all this. (Rummages through the desk drawers.) Why is there never any paper when I need it? (Rips off the calendar’s cover, and writes “John’s Funeral” in large letters with a felt tip pen and shows it to JACKIE.) Look, Jackie. There it is in print. John’s Funeral. (Writes.) Hire organist… order flowers… reserve Swan’s Mortuary… (Looks up.) I think Swan’s is the best, don’t you? I kind of like their jingle on the radio. (Sings, to the tune of “Happy Birthday to You.”) “Have your swan song at Swan’s.”

JACKIE: (Walks to rear door.) I have to go home and start dinner. I’ll see you later.

MARIANNE: (Writes again.) Plan music… I wonder if we could work in the Hallelujah chorus. It’s always been John’s favorite.

JACKIE: Maybe when John enters.MARIANNE: Write obituary… Oh, this is going to be fantastic!

John’s funeral will be so much fun, he’ll feel like a teenager before it’s over.

JACKIE: I hope so. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)MARIANNE: (Looks at list, thinks a second.) John’s suit. I’d better take

his good suit to the cleaners right away. (Drops the list on the desk as she hurries OFF DOWN RIGHT. JOHN and RUSS ENTER LEFT, carrying fishing poles and tackle boxes. JOHN has a lovely pole, RUSS’ is much smaller and older. RUSS wears a fishing hat with flies

MARIANNE: Heavens, no. I’ll be much too busy to sit around being lonesome. (Goes to the desk.) I have lots of exciting things planned for this weekend.

JOHN: I’ll bet.MARIANNE: Where’s the mail?JOHN: (Jumps guiltily.) What mail?MARIANNE: Today’s mail. I thought I saw it on the desk before I went

over to Jackie’s. Didn’t Elizabeth bring it in?JOHN: Oh. That mail. It’s right here. (Picks up the envelopes on the floor.)MARIANNE: Why is it on the floor?JOHN: I dropped it. My hands aren’t as steady as they once were.

(Gives the letters to MARIANNE.)MARIANNE: What we need is a nice antique letter holder to keep on

the desk. I’ll have to watch for one the next time I go to an auction.JOHN: A shoe box would be cheaper.MARIANNE: Cheaper maybe, but not nearly as attractive.JOHN: You already have enough antiques to open a shop.MARIANNE: I like old things. The older the better.JOHN: (Under his breath.) Except for men.MARIANNE: What?JOHN: Nothing. Just talking to myself. Another sign of advancing age.MARIANNE: Will you stop talking like that? Sometimes I think

that’s what’s upsetting Elizabeth. She only seems to cry when you’re home.

JOHN: Since when did Elizabeth listen to what I say? She’s probably unhappy, because she doesn’t have a boyfriend.

MARIANNE: Don’t talk sexist.JOHN: I’m not. You told me that the reason Elizabeth never sees

Debbie any more is because Debbie has a boyfriend. Maybe Elizabeth’s jealous.

MARIANNE: I hadn’t thought of that. Elizabeth probably is feeling left out. Maybe I should talk to Alice Hathaway.

JOHN: Who?MARIANNE: Alice Hathaway, the president of the African Violet Society.

Her son is in Elizabeth’s class. Maybe Alice could get him to invite Elizabeth to go out.

JOHN: You’ll do nothing of the sort. Elizabeth will get plenty of boyfriends without help from us.

MARIANNE: Maybe we could just invite the Hathaways over for a family get-together.

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RUSS: The twenty-fifth is fine with me.JOHN: (ENTERS LEFT.) Did you find it?MARIANNE: I haven’t seen the staple gun in weeks.RUSS: What are you doing the weekend of the twenty-fifth? Do you

have anything planned?JOHN: At my age, you don’t plan that far ahead. I may be here… or I

may not.RUSS: How does a weekend in the woods sound? Two days of sunshine

and fresh air. Fishing in the streams, sleeping under the stars…JOHN: Getting arthritis in my back.RUSS: Picture it, John. Just you and me on the bank of Red Rock

Creek, eating our breakfast of freshly caught trout. No telephone, no interruptions. We’ll be two he-men in the rugged outdoors. Pioneers, living off the land. Pitting our strength against the wiles of nature.

JOHN: I don’t think Marianne would let me.MARIANNE: I want you to go.JOHN: You do?MARIANNE: I think it’s a fine idea. You and Russ work hard. You

deserve a little vacation.RUSS: What do you say, John? Are you willing?JOHN: I don’t know. (Interested in spite of himself.) It’s been a long

time since I backpacked into the woods, and I’m not getting any younger. I’m not sure I could do it.

RUSS: Of course you can do it. You’re in your prime! A little hiking is just what you need to firm up the old muscles, get rid of the flab.

JOHN: Well…MARIANNE: He’ll go.RUSS: Good.JOHN: What will you do that weekend?JACKIE: We’re going to do some shopping.MARIANNE: For a planter for the African violets.RUSS: Ed Davis went to Red Rock Creek last weekend and caught his

limit both days.JOHN: His limit. (Straightens up, as if feeling better.) Well, if Ed Davis

can do it, you and I can certainly… (Notices the urn for the first time.) What the devil is that thing? (Walks to it, standing straight and forgetting to act old.) No… don’t tell me what it is. Just tell me how much you paid for it.

MARIANNE: Believe me, it was a real bargain.

JOHN: I don’t even know the Hathaways.MARIANNE: Then it’s time you got acquainted. Alice is a lovely

person—such a way with violets—and I’m sure her husband and son are fine people, too.

JOHN: Then you don’t know them either.MARIANNE: We could have them this weekend. No, we couldn’t. You’ll

be gone fishing.JOHN: (Testing her.) What about the weekend after that?MARIANNE: I hate to wait that long when Elizabeth’s so unhappy.JOHN: (Nods knowingly.) Besides, you might be very busy by then.MARIANNE: No. Actually, I expect to be busier this weekend than I’ve

been for a long time.JOHN: You do?MARIANNE: I certainly do.JOHN: (Sly.) If you’re going to be so busy, maybe I should cancel the

fishing trip and stay home to help you.MARIANNE: No. You can’t do that.JOHN: Why not?MARIANNE: Why not? Uh, the things that I’m going to do aren’t things

that you can help with. They’re just… (Flounders, thinking what to say.) …you might say they’re just female things.

JOHN: Oh, my God.ELIZABETH: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and crosses to the desk.) Do we

have any paper? I want to copy my entry on clean paper.MARIANNE: Why don’t you give yourself a rest? Skip this one contest?ELIZABETH: I couldn’t.MARIANNE: But you’ll be disappointed if you don’t win and with a

prize like that the competition is certain to be very stiff.ELIZABETH: I think I have a chance. I have a good entry.JOHN: What is it?ELIZABETH: (Evasive.) What is what?JOHN: What is your entry? Let’s hear it.ELIZABETH: My entry for the Sudsy contest was really good. It went,

“Suds your hair before your date and make your…”JOHN: I already heard your Sudsy entry. I want to hear this one.ELIZABETH: If you don’t mind, I’d rather not tell.MARIANNE: Why not?JOHN: You aren’t asking for something illegal, are you?ELIZABETH: No.

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MARIANNE: I could put on quite a funeral for twenty-thousand dollars.ELIZABETH: Did somebody die?MARIANNE: No… I was just thinking. Go ahead and mail your

entry. (Picks up the newspaper and starts looking through it for the contest.)

JACKIE: Good luck, Elizabeth. I hope you win all the Sudsy.ELIZABETH: Thanks. I figure if there’s anything at all to the law of

averages, then I’m about due to be a winner. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)JACKIE: Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?MARIANNE: (Nods.) I’ll win the contest and let the newspaper pay for

John’s funeral.JACKIE: What if you don’t win?MARIANNE: (Finds what she’s looking for.) Here it is. (Reads a

second.) Jackie! The winner will be notified on June twenty-fifth! The timing is perfect. And listen to this, “Entries will be judged on originality.” What could be more original than wanting a funeral for someone who hasn’t died? I’m a cinch to win. I think I’ll even invite John’s brother.

JACKIE: The one in Oklahoma?MARIANNE: Think how surprised John will be. They haven’t seen each

other in years. I can pay for the airplane ticket, and it won’t cost Roy a thing. He’ll come for sure if it doesn’t cost him anything.

RUSS: (ENTERS LEFT.) Did John leave the staple gun in here? We can’t find it.

MARIANNE: Russ, you know that fishing trip that you and John have always wanted to take?

RUSS: Yes.MARIANNE: We think you should take it.RUSS: You do? What changed your mind?MARIANNE: We think it might cheer John up.JACKIE: Make him forget about his birthday.RUSS: That’s a good idea. Maybe we could go next weekend.MARIANNE: (Quickly.) No. That’s too soon. I wouldn’t have

everything ready.RUSS: What’s to get ready? All we need is a couple of sleeping bags

and our fishing gear.MARIANNE: It’s too soon for us to get ready. Jackie and I want to plan

our weekend so we aren’t too lonely while you’re gone. Why don’t you wait and go on, say, June twenty-fifth? You could leave right after work on Friday and stay until Sunday night.

JOHN: What is it then?ELIZABETH: It’s personal.MARIANNE: Personal? (ELIZABETH nods.)JOHN: It’s too personal to discuss with your family, but not too personal

to write to strangers in a contest.ELIZABETH: I just don’t want to tell.MARIANNE: It isn’t something that will embarrass us, is it?ELIZABETH: No. I promise.MARIANNE: Just don’t get your hopes up too high. There are other

people who have spent a lot of time on their entries to this contest… adult, grown-up people who can write much more convincingly than you can.

ELIZABETH: (With great feeling.) They don’t want what they ask for as much as I do, though. (Finds some paper and starts back to her bedroom with it, again close to tears.) Nobody could want anything more than I want what I’m asking for. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

MARIANNE: Oh, dear. I wish Elizabeth wasn’t so bent on winning that contest. She’ll just be disappointed.

JOHN: What do you suppose her entry says?MARIANNE: Whatever it is, she’s certainly emotional about it.JOHN: Maybe she’s asking for a boyfriend.MARIANNE: I hope not.JOHN: No, she said it wouldn’t embarrass us.MARIANNE: Sometimes I think I’ll be glad when Elizabeth is safely

raised. Maybe when she’s all grown up and on her own, we’ll be able to stop worrying about her and start enjoying her.

JOHN: I enjoy Elizabeth now, except for the crying.MARIANNE: So do I. Probably we’ll even miss the crying in a few years.JOHN: I’ll miss it even sooner than that. (Sighs and walks toward

bedroom.) I guess I’d better start packing.MARIANNE: Packing for what?JOHN: For my trip, of course.MARIANNE: But you don’t leave for three days.JOHN: I have lots to get ready.MARIANNE: Russ said all you would take is your sleeping bag and

fishing gear.JOHN: That may be enough for Russ, but I’ll need to pack some

clothes. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

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JACKIE: I doubt if there’s much market for a used casket.MARIANNE: It wouldn’t be used. Not really.JACKIE: Maybe the funeral home would buy it back at a discount.MARIANNE: If they won’t, I’ll place a want ad.JACKIE: You could use it for a planter. Think how many African violets

it would hold.MARIANNE: I can always just store it in the garage. There’s so much

junk in there now that no one would even notice if I added a casket. John can keep his tools in it.

JACKIE: No matter what you do with it afterwards, you’ll still have to pay for it. That’s a lot to spend for an oversized tool box.

MARIANNE: That’s going to be the big problem… how to pay for all this. I was having enough trouble planning my budget for a barbecue.

JACKIE: Could you withdraw the money from your savings account?MARIANNE: I could. But John would kill me if he found out.JACKIE: Then you could have a double funeral. How romantic.MARIANNE: Except I’d be the only one dead. No thanks.JACKIE: At least that way the coffin wouldn’t go to waste.MARIANNE: (Goes to desk, thumbs through phone book.) I wonder if

the funeral home takes Mastercard.JACKIE: In case you want to die now, pay later?MARIANNE: They must have some kind of credit plan.JACKIE: Why don’t you just have John cremated and put his ashes in

your new urn?MARIANNE: That’s a great idea. (Goes to urn, looks at it, appreciative.) I

wouldn’t need to buy a coffin, and I could use this lovely antique… (Stops suddenly.) No! Jackie, I can’t cremate John. He won’t really be dead.

ELIZABETH: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, carrying an envelope and a newspaper. Puts the paper on the end table by the sofa.) I found a Sudsy label. I’m going to mail this right now so it’ll get postmarked before midnight. Then I can start on my Win Your Heart’s Desire entry. That one’s a local contest so I figure I’ll have a better chance to win. Fewer entries.

MARIANNE: (Interested for the first time.) What did you say the prize is in this Heart’s Desire thing?

ELIZABETH: You have to say what you want most in the world and the winner gets his wish. It can be anything as long as it doesn’t cost more than twenty-thousand dollars.

MARIANNE: (Looks through the letters in her hand, then shakes her head.) I thought for sure it would come today. (Starts opening the other letters.)

ELIZABETH: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, carrying an envelope.) I’m going to the mailbox.

MARIANNE: All right.ELIZABETH: (Hesitates at the door.) Mom, do we have hospital insurance?MARIANNE: Of course. Why do you ask?ELIZABETH: I just wondered. Doctor bills can add up pretty fast and…MARIANNE: You don’t need to worry about things like that. We have

a very good hospital plan. And we carry enough life insurance, too, so that if anything should happen to your father, you and I will still be provided for. (ELIZABETH wails loudly and rushes OUT UP RIGHT. MARIANNE looks after her helplessly. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.)

End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP: It is Friday afternoon, June twenty-fifth. Several suitcases stand near the exit to the bedrooms. MARIANNE is pacing around the living room, nervous. JACKIE sits on the sofa watching her.JACKIE: Will you sit down? You’re going to wear a hole in the floor with

all that pacing.MARIANNE: Why don’t you call? It’s almost three o’clock.JACKIE: Are you sure the winner is going to be notified today? Maybe

you made a mistake.MARIANNE: I didn’t make a mistake. I’ve read the rules a hundred

times. “The winner of the Heart’s Desire Contest will be notified no later than six p.m. on Friday, June twenty-fifth.” That’s today.

JACKIE: They probably got so many entries that it’s taking longer than they thought to judge them all. Maybe they’ve extended the deadline.

MARIANNE: They can’t! I need the money by tomorrow or there won’t be any flowers at John’s funeral. And I promised the casket man a down payment and… Oh, Jackie, I’m getting scared. I’ve ordered all those things and… What if I don’t win?

JACKIE: You’re going to have a lot of explaining to do.MARIANNE: If I don’t win, I think I’ll kill myself, and you can have the

funeral for me. It would be easier than trying to cancel everything.JACKIE: You still have three hours.MARIANNE: I was hoping they’d call before John gets home. I’d rather

not have him here while I talk to the contest officials.

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MARIANNE: That’s it. That’s perfect! Oh, Jackie, I knew you’d help. We’ll get Russ and John to go fishing. They can leave after work on Friday and not come home until Sunday night. Then on Monday morning, instead of waking John up to go to work, I’ll let him sleep until it’s time to get ready for his funeral. (Pause.) Maybe we should have the service in the morning, that way there won’t be such a time gap between the fishing and the funeral.

JACKIE: Russ is always gloomy on Monday morning anyway. He might as well have a good reason.

MARIANNE: I’ll wait until everyone is seated and it’s time to start the funeral, and then I’ll bring John in the back of the church to watch.

JACKIE: The church! Marianne, you can’t have this funeral in the church.MARIANNE: Why not? We’re members.JACKIE: It wouldn’t be proper. You’re having this funeral under false

pretenses and if you do it at church you’ll start a lot of trouble. You may anyway, but at least don’t involve the church in it. Can you imagine how many people might cancel their pledges if the press got wind of a deal like this? I can just see the headline: “Phony Funeral at St. James.”

MARIANNE: Then I’ll have it at a funeral home.JACKIE: That might not be so easy, either.MARIANNE: Why not? I’ll pay for the facilities.JACKIE: They’ll be expecting a body. They make their profit on the

preparations, too, not just on the funeral service.MARIANNE: I’ll tell them the body will arrive Monday morning. I’ll say

he’s out of town, and that’ll be true. He will be out of town, fishing with Russ. I’ll say I want a simple service with a closed casket.

JACKIE: Casket! Marianne, you’re going to have to buy a casket.MARIANNE: I suppose I will.JACKIE: Caskets are expensive. Even the plain, bottom-of-the-line

ones cost a couple of hundred dollars.MARIANNE: Oh, I won’t be getting bottom-of-the-line. I’ll have to buy

a fancy one.JACKIE: You will? I didn’t think you believed in spending a lot of

money on things like that. I’d have thought you’d choose a simple pine box.

MARIANNE: I would if John was really dead. But the purpose of this funeral is to show him how much everybody cares for him. I’ll have to get a fancy, expensive casket.

JACKIE: What will you do with it after the funeral?MARIANNE: Maybe I can sell it.

JACKIE: Why don’t we take John’s bag over to my house and put it in the car? That way when John comes home, he can leave right away.

MARIANNE: You mean John’s bags. Plural. Look at all the luggage he’s taking. (Points to the suitcases.)

JACKIE: All that?MARIANNE: You’d think he was leaving for a month’s safari instead

of a two-day fishing trip. He even wanted to pack his good suit. I wouldn’t let him, though. I had it cleaned especially for the funeral, and I was afraid it would get all wrinkled in the suitcase.

JACKIE: Why would he want to take his good suit to Red Rock Creek? All Russ packed is some extra underwear and his hip boots. He says he isn’t even going to shave while he’s gone.

MARIANNE: Not John. He packed every decent piece of clothing he owns.JACKIE: Then we’d better start carrying it over. (Gets up, grabs a

suitcase, and starts for UP RIGHT door.)MARIANNE: Just a minute. I baked some cookies to send along. I

want to put them in John’s suitcase, for a surprise. (EXITS LEFT, ENTERS again with a tin of cookies.) John loves my cookies, and these are his favorites—chocolate walnut yum yums.

JACKIE: That was a nice idea. If they don’t catch any fish, they’ll still have something to eat.

MARIANNE: (Picks up the smallest suitcase and puts it on the sofa. Opens it and starts to put the cookies in. Stops and stares at an airline ticket envelope which is lying on top of the packed clothes. Picks it up, opens it, and looks at the ticket.) Oh, Jackie. (Sits on the sofa.) No wonder he’s taking all his clothes with him.

JACKIE: (Leaves her suitcase by the door and goes to MARIANNE.) What is it? Why is he taking all his clothes?

MARIANNE: John isn’t going to Red Rock Creek at all. He’s going to Mexico.

JACKIE: Where?MARIANNE: He’s going to Mexico. Here’s his plane ticket.JACKIE: Why would John go to Mexico for the weekend when there are

plenty of fish in Red Rock Creek?MARIANNE: You don’t understand. He isn’t going for the weekend.

He’s going for good. Forever. This is a one-way ticket, Jackie. John is leaving me! (Starts to cry.)

JACKIE: Oh, you poor thing. I didn’t know you and John were having problems.

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office. He’ll realize how much he means to everybody. He’ll see how important he is, and he’ll be happy again.

JACKIE: I’m not sure you can do that. It might be illegal.MARIANNE: Why would it be illegal to have a funeral?JACKIE: I think somebody has to die first.MARIANNE: I doubt very much if there is any such law.JACKIE: Maybe not. Probably the matter doesn’t come up often

enough for there to be a law. But how will people know about the funeral? You can’t very well send invitations.

MARIANNE: They’ll see the obituary notice. I’ll write it and send it to the paper, and they’ll print it.

JACKIE: What if the newspaper checks and finds out that John didn’t die?

MARIANNE: Why would they do that? You’re worrying about silly details. What’s the matter! Don’t you like my idea?

JACKIE: I’m not sure. I have to think about it.MARIANNE: Well, I like it. I have an instinct for these things. And I

know that this idea is right. It’s just what John needs to snap him out of this mood he’s in. Let’s see… (Goes to the desk and finds a calendar. Flips to the middle of the calendar.) John’s birthday is June twenty-eighth. (Looks at the calendar.) Oh, good, the twenty-eighth is a Monday. That’ll work out just fine. We’ll pretend that John dies on Friday night, the twenty-fifth. I’ll have the obituary printed on Saturday and hold the funeral Monday afternoon. We’ll make a long weekend of it.

JACKIE: It’ll be a long weekend, all right. How are you going to hide John all that time? You can’t let him go outside or answer the phone or anything. Once people hear that he’s dead, they’ll be coming to the house.

MARIANNE: That’s right. (Thinks a moment.) You’ll have to get rid of John for the weekend.

JACKIE: I’ll have to get rid of John?MARIANNE: You and Russ. Maybe I can send John over to your house

Friday night to borrow something, and Russ could keep him talking. Sort of like the man who came to dinner.

JACKIE: You expect Russ to keep John talking for three days?MARIANNE: I suppose that isn’t too realistic. But we’ll have to do

something.JACKIE: What about the fishing trip that John and Russ are always

talking about? Maybe they could do that.

MARIANNE: (Sniffs, wipes eyes.) I didn’t know we were having problems, either. How could I have been so blind? I understand everything now. I thought John was depressed because he’s turning fifty when all along he just wanted to get away from me.

JACKIE: Do you suppose there’s another woman?MARIANNE: Oh, no… (Lies face down across the suitcase and sobs.)JACKIE: (Sits next to her and pats her comfortingly.) I wonder who it is.MARIANNE: I don’t want to know.JACKIE: Of course you want to know. It wouldn’t be normal not to

wonder who your husband is having an affair with.MARIANNE: I just can’t believe it. John and have always been so

happy. At least, I’ve been happy, and I thought John was happy, too, until the last few weeks when he started worrying about getting old.

JACKIE: That’s probably when the affair started.MARIANNE: (Sits up.) Do you think so? No. We’re jumping to

conclusions. Just because John is leaving me and running away to Mexico, doesn’t mean that he’s having an affair. (Looks at the ticket again.) This is just a single ticket.

JACKIE: Of course it is. He had her ticket sent to her. It’s always done that way. Don’t you ever go to the movies?

MARIANNE: Jackie! I just thought of something terrible. (Starts pacing again.) If John goes to Mexico tonight, he won’t be here for his funeral!

JACKIE: That’s right. What a rotten thing to do. After all your planning and hard work, I should think the least he could do would be to wait until after his funeral to leave you.

MARIANNE: Of course, he doesn’t know about the funeral.JACKIE: Then I think you should tell him.MARIANNE: How can I tell him?JACKIE: Just say, “John, please stick around a few more days, because

I’m having a surprise funeral for you.”MARIANNE: (Puts cookie tin on coffee table. Closes suitcase.) That

would ruin the surprise. It isn’t any good unless it’s a surprise. Besides, if I tell him, he’ll know that I know that he’s leaving.

JACKIE: I just can’t believe it. I’ve read about men who desert their families, but I never thought John would be one of them.

MARIANNE: I’m going to miss him so. (Flops down across the suitcase and starts to cry again.)

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JACKIE: That’s not true. You have lots to be proud of. You have a good marriage and a lovely daughter—

JOHN: If I died tonight, you wouldn’t have to bother with a funeral. I have so few friends, it wouldn’t be worth the trouble.

JACKIE: I’d come, John.RUSS: Not me. I’d say, “John who?”JACKIE: Russ!RUSS: John knows I’m kidding.JOHN: You aren’t far from the truth. A year from now, who would even

remember me?MARIANNE: I would.JOHN: George Gershwin died when he was only thirty-nine and look

how much he accomplished. “Rhapsody in Blue”… “Porgy and Bess”… “An American in Paris”…

RUSS: You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re highly thought of at work. You own your own home—

JOHN: It’s mortgaged.RUSS: And you own all your furnishings… (Gives a grand sweep of his

hand, stops when he gets to the urn, looks around at the rest of the knickknacks, pauses, and drops his hand.) John, do you think you could help me find the staple gun? I came over here to borrow it, and I’m not sure where it is.

JOHN: (Sighs loudly and rises slowly from the chair.) Fifty years, and all I have to show for it is a staple gun. (EXITS LEFT, followed by RUSS. As soon as they go, MARIANNE jumps up and rushes to the door, listening to be sure they’ve really gone.)

JACKIE: He is depressed, isn’t he? He didn’t even notice the urn.MARIANNE: (Slowly.) Jackie, you have given me a terrific idea.JACKIE: I have? What is it?MARIANNE: Promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not even Russ.JACKIE: I always tell Russ everything.MARIANNE: Not this time. You have to promise.JACKIE: All right, I promise. What’s your idea?MARIANNE: I know what I’m going to give John for his fiftieth birthday.

(Pauses, dramatic.) A funeral.JACKIE: What?MARIANNE: I’m going to give him a surprise funeral. His funeral. John

is going to have what your aunt didn’t have—the chance to attend his own funeral. All his friends will come and everyone from his

ELIZABETH: (Rushes IN the UP RIGHT door.) Did I get a phone call? Are there any messages? (Drops her purse on the floor and yells, urgent.) Mom! Were there any calls for me?

JACKIE: Just a minute, Elizabeth.MARIANNE: (Sits up, trying to compose herself.) Don’t shout, Elizabeth.

You didn’t get any calls.ELIZABETH: I didn’t? But it’s almost three-thirty. I thought for sure

there would be a message. (Stops, realizing that her mother has been crying.) What’s the matter?

MARIANNE: Nothing’s the matter.ELIZABETH: You’ve been crying.MARIANNE: It’s nothing. Just a little misunderstanding.ELIZABETH: (Suddenly knowing.) It’s all right, Mom. You can talk

to me.JACKIE: I think she’d rather not right now.ELIZABETH: It’s about Daddy, isn’t it?JACKIE: What makes you ask that?ELIZABETH: (Moves suitcase to floor, sits down next to MARIANNE.)

You don’t have to pretend. I already know about Daddy.MARIANNE: You do?ELIZABETH: (Nods.) I heard him talking to Russ one night.JACKIE: What did he say?ELIZABETH: He said he just wants to slip quietly away.MARIANNE: Oh, noooo. (Starts to cry again.)ELIZABETH: We have to be brave, Mom. We want to make his last

days with us happy days.MARIANNE: How can I be happy, knowing I’ll never see your father again?ELIZABETH: We’ll have our memories.JACKIE: You’re taking this very well, Elizabeth. I’m glad you aren’t

bitter toward your father.ELIZABETH: Why would I be bitter? I’ve had the sweetest…MARIANNE: (Simultaneously with JACKIE.) Ohhh…JACKIE: Ohhh…ELIZABETH: Nicest…MARIANNE: (Simultaneously with JACKIE.) Ohhh…JACKIE: Ohhh…ELIZABETH: (Emotional.) …most wonderful father any girl could ever

want. (Bursts into tears.)

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JOHN: That barber’s no fool. He knows I won’t be needing shampoo much longer. All I’ll need is a damp cloth and maybe some suntan oil so my head won’t peel.

MARIANNE: You know what you really need?JOHN: Yes, a new body.MARIANNE: No. A new attitude. Just because you’re going to be fifty

in a couple of weeks—RUSS: So that’s it.JOHN: (Cringes.) I don’t want to talk about it.RUSS: But you’re acting like your life is practically over.JOHN: It is.RUSS: It is not. I’m past fifty, and I’m still here. I’ll bet half your friends

are over fifty.JOHN: Friends? What friends? Nobody has friends any more. The

world’s changed, Russ. It’s different now than it was when we were young. People cared about each other then. They trusted each other. Everybody looked out for the other guy. Now it’s dog eat dog.

MARIANNE: You’re being pessimistic. We have lots of friends. Why, I’ve been thinking of giving a nice party for you on your birthday— maybe a barbecue in the backyard— and I’ve had a terrible time keeping the guest list low enough so we can afford to do it.

JOHN: I don’t want a party. Especially not a birthday party. The only reason anyone would come is for the free food.

JACKIE: That’s a terrible thing to say. What kind of friends do you think we are?

MARIANNE: He doesn’t mean you, Jackie.JOHN: Everybody’s so busy trying to make ends meet these days that

there’s no time for friendship.JACKIE: Unless you die. Then everyone takes time to go to the funeral.JOHN: That’s true. I never thought of that before.JACKIE: When my aunt died, all the people who had been too busy to

go and visit her in the hospital managed to find time to attend the funeral. All I could think of that day was how much auntie would have enjoyed being there to visit with all her friends.

MARIANNE: That’s sad.JOHN: That’s very sad.JACKIE: I wish we could have had the funeral first, while auntie was

still here to enjoy it.JOHN: The worst part about turning fifty is that I have nothing to show

for it. Fifty years of living and nothing to show for it.

JACKIE: Oh, what a kind thing to say. (Also starts to cry. The women put their arms around each other and bawl. JOHN and RUSS ENTER UP RIGHT. They pause a minute, taking in the situation.)

RUSS: It looks like the wake has started a little early.JOHN: What’s going on here? (The WOMEN all speak at the same time.)JACKIE: Nothing’s going on.MARIANNE: We’re fine.ELIZABETH: Oh, Daddy…RUSS: Now you know. (Pulls JACKIE her to her feet.) Jackie, what’s the

matter? (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL RINGS.)JACKIE: It’s just so sad, watching a nice family like this fall apart.

(JOHN opens the door. It is MR. JANSEN.)MR. JANSEN: Good afternoon. I’m Mr. Jansen, representing Heart’s

Desire. Is Miss Dollefson at home?JOHN: You represent Heart’s Desire? Do come in.MR. JANSEN: (ENTERS.) Thank you.MARIANNE: (Jumps up from sofa, rushes to MR. JANSEN.) I have to

talk to you privately. (Takes his arm and tries to drag him into the kitchen.)

JOHN: Now wait a minute, Marianne. (Takes MR. JANSEN’S other arm and pulls the other way.) Anything you have to say can be said right here in front of everybody.

MARIANNE: No, it can’t. You don’t understand.JOHN: I understand that there’s been too much secrecy around here

already. Mr. Jansen, please state your business.RUSS: I think we’d better leave.JACKIE: I think so, too. (They move toward kitchen door.)JOHN: You stay right where you are. (They stop.) I may need witnesses.MARIANNE: Please, John. I need to see Mr. Jansen alone.MR. JANSEN: Actually, it’s Miss Dollefson that I want to see. (To

MARIANNE.) Is that you?MARIANNE: No, but…JOHN: Miss Dollefson? Do you mean that you are here to see Elizabeth?MR. JANSEN: That’s right. Miss Elizabeth Dollefson. Is she here?ELIZABETH: Yes, I…JOHN: Be quiet, Elizabeth.RUSS: I don’t believe it!JOHN: Let me make sure I understand. You represent Heart’s Desire,

and you want to see Elizabeth.

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sweater, buttoned, although the rest of the cast wear light-weight, summer clothing. He walks slowly, slightly bent, like a much older man. He eases into the rocking chair with a sigh, as if the effort of walking in had been too much for him.) Hello, John.

RUSS: Hi, John.JOHN: (Weak.) Hi.JACKIE: What’s the matter? Don’t you feel well?JOHN: I’m all right… for a man my age.RUSS: It must have been some party. You look like you were up

all night.JOHN: No, I went to bed at eight. I can’t keep those late hours like I

used to. (Sighs.)MARIANNE: (Goes and kisses JOHN hello.) Please don’t start this again.JOHN: The years creep by, and before you know it you can’t have fun

like you once did.RUSS: What’s wrong with you? You sound like my grandfather.JOHN: Do you realize that fifty years is half a century? Half a century!

I, John Dollefson, have been alive for nearly half a century.JACKIE: Congratulations, John. That’s quite an accomplishment.JOHN: No! It isn’t any accomplishment at all.MARIANNE: (Tries to change the subject.) Your haircut looks very nice.JOHN: That’s good, since it may be the last one I ever get.JACKIE: (Surprised.) You mean you’re going to let your hair grow long?JOHN: Ha! I wish I could. I mean that pretty soon I won’t have enough

hair left to bother cutting.MARIANNE: You aren’t that bald.JOHN: (Rubs hand over head.) I’ve seen more growth than this on a

moldy orange.MARIANNE: You’re exaggerating again.JOHN: You think so? Then why did the barber ask me if I wanted a cut

or a polish?RUSS: He was just joking.JOHN: And what about the shampoo? There were three people

ahead of me today, and he tried to sell all three of them a bottle of shampoo. But did he try to sell me some shampoo? No, he did not.

MARIANNE: You’ve been getting your hair cut there twice a month for six years, and you’ve never bought a bottle of shampoo. The barber probably got tired of trying to sell it to you, that’s all.

MR. JANSEN: That’s right.ELIZABETH: I’m Elizabeth.JOHN: (To RUSS.) It’s Elizabeth who’s involved with Mr. Heart’s Desire.RUSS: (Shocked.) And Marianne made the motel reservation for them!MR. JANSEN: (Crosses to ELIZABETH.) How do you do, Elizabeth?MARIANNE: What motel reservation?MR. JANSEN: I’m very happy to…JOHN: (Grabs MR. JANSEN by the shoulder, spins him around.) There

are laws against guys like you. Elizabeth’s only fifteen-years-old. (Socks MR. JANSEN in the eye. MR. JANSEN falls to the floor. JACKIE screams.)

ELIZABETH: Daddy! What are you doing? (Kneels on the floor by MR. JANSEN, trying to revive him.) Mr. Jansen is…

JOHN: I know what Mr. Jansen is. You don’t need to explain. (To MARIANNE.) No wonder she’s been crying so much. She’s too young for this sort of thing. Mrs. African Violet’s son would have been bad enough. But this! What were you thinking of, letting her get involved in something like this at her age?

MARIANNE: But John! Elizabeth’s been entering these contests since she was nine-years-old. You know that. Why should this one be any different?

JOHN: What one? (MR. JANSEN slowly comes to.)ELIZABETH: The Heart’s Desire Contest. Mr. Jansen said he’s from

the Heart’s Desire Contest—JOHN: Heart’s Desire is a contest?ELIZABETH: (Helps MR. JANSEN up.) I’m Elizabeth Dollefson. I’m the

one you want to see. I’m sorry about my father, but he hasn’t been himself lately, and he didn’t understand why you’re here and… Well, why are you here? Did I win?

MR. JANSEN: It’s my pleasure to inform you, Elizabeth (Groans and holds his eye.), that you are the grand prize winner in the Heart’s Desire Contest. (MARIANNE sits down and puts her head in her hands.)

ELIZABETH: Wow! Did you hear that? I won!RUSS: I can’t believe it. Elizabeth finally won something.JACKIE: Not just something. She won a scholarship to Tank University.ELIZABETH: Tank U!MR. JANSEN: You’re welcome!ELIZABETH: Is she right? Did I win a scholarship?MR. JANSEN: Why, no. There’s no scholarship. You’ve won a trip to

the Mayo Clinic for your father. (Suspicious, looks at JOHN.) Your

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JACKIE: That’s very clever, Elizabeth. I think you have a good chance of winning.

ELIZABETH: Thanks. I was going to rhyme with “drool” but I decided this is more sophisticated. As soon as I get this mailed, I’m going to start on my entry for the Heart’s Desire Contest.

MARIANNE: (Absently, still busy with the urn.) What Heart’s Desire Contest?ELIZABETH: The one in the newspaper. Win your Heart’s Desire.

Anything you want, as long as it doesn’t cost over twenty-thousand dollars. I’m going to ask for a college scholarship to Tank University.

JACKIE: But Tank University is a men’s school.ELIZABETH: I know. Wouldn’t it be fun? Mom, if we do have some

Sudsy Shampoo, where would it be?MARIANNE: Look in the bathroom.JACKIE: If you don’t find a label, you can look at my house. Russ

always buys Sudsy.ELIZABETH: Thanks. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)MARIANNE: Does it make you salivate?JACKIE: You really should encourage Elizabeth more. You hardly

listened to her slogan.MARIANNE: I encourage her by paying the postage on all those

contest entries.RUSS: (KNOCKS lightly at UP RIGHT door, then opens it slightly without

waiting. Calls in.) John? Are you home?MARIANNE: Come on in, Russ. (RUSS ENTERS UP RIGHT, carrying a

drill.) John went to get his hair cut. He should be back any minute.RUSS: I’m just returning his drill and borrowing a staple gun, if it’s ok.MARIANNE: Sure. Help yourself. You know where everything is in that

garage better than I do.RUSS: I see you’ve been to another auction. (Circles the urn.) What

is it?MARIANNE: It’s an urn. From the look of it, I’d say it’s a real antique.RUSS: From the look of it, I’d say…JACKIE: (Quickly.) She isn’t sure yet what she’s going to do with it.RUSS: Too bad spittoons aren’t in fashion anymore.JACKIE: Russ!MARIANNE: Listen, I was lucky to get this! There were two other

people bidding against me.RUSS: The owner and the auctioneer’s assistant.JACKIE: Don’t pay any attention to him, Marianne. He never has

appreciated antiques. (JOHN ENTERS LEFT, wearing a cardigan

critically ill father. All expenses paid. The best medical help in the United States.

JACKIE: I thought you asked for a scholarship to Tank University.ELIZABETH: I was going to, but that was before I knew about Daddy.JOHN: Why would I want to go to the Mayo Clinic?ELIZABETH: You don’t have to pretend any longer, Daddy. (Goes to

JOHN and puts her arms around him.) I know all about your illness, and I think you’re the bravest man that ever lived.

MARIANNE: His illness?JOHN: What illness?ELIZABETH: The illness you’re dying from.JOHN: Dying! I’m not dying. (Looks pointedly at MARIANNE.) At least

not dying from any illness.MR. JANSEN: You aren’t?JOHN: Of course not.MARIANNE: Whatever gave you such an idea?ELIZABETH: But I heard you, Daddy. You were talking to Russ and you

said you were going to slip quietly away. You even gave him your fishing pole to remember you by.

JOHN: But I didn’t mean I was going to die! I just meant… well, never mind what I meant.

MARIANNE: He just meant that he’s going to slip quietly away to Mexico.JOHN: How did you know that?MARIANNE: I was going to put some cookies in your suitcase and

when I opened it, I saw your plane ticket.ELIZABETH: You’re going to Mexico? I thought you were going to die.RUSS: I hope she isn’t too disappointed.MR. JANSEN: Then Elizabeth’s statement was based on false information.JACKIE: But she didn’t know it was false.ELIZABETH: What are you going to do in Mexico? Can I go, too?JOHN: I’m afraid not. You see…MARIANNE: We may as well tell her, John. She’s going to have to find

out sooner or later. (Goes to ELIZABETH and puts her hands on ELIZABETH’S shoulders.) Elizabeth… honey… your father is leaving us. (Starts to cry again.)

ELIZABETH: Leaving us? You mean you two are getting a divorce?JACKIE: (Crying again, too.) Oh, it’s so sad…MARIANNE: Yes, a divorce. Your father prefers to live in Mexico.

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LET HIM SLEEP ’TIL IT’S TIME FOR HIS FUNERAL

Scene OneAT RISE: The living room of the Dollefson home. It is the beginning of June. MARIANNE and JACKIE ENTER UP RIGHT, struggling to carry a large, decrepit, ornate urn. It is chipped, cracked, and dirty. They manage to get it in the door and put it between the coffee table and the rocking chair before they sink, exhausted, onto the sofa.JACKIE: Whew. When you asked me to help you carry it in, you didn’t

tell me it was solid lead.MARIANNE: It is heavy, isn’t it? The men at the auction put it in the

car for me, so I didn’t realize.JACKIE: Now that it’s here, what are you going to do with it?MARIANNE: I’m not sure. But it was too good to pass up.JACKIE: You could put it outside and use it for a birdbath.MARIANNE: (Gets up, puts her purse on the desk, and starts arranging

pots of African violets around the urn.) Maybe I can use it to display my violets. I’ve always wanted something unusual to help display my violets.

JACKIE: It is unusual.MARIANNE: (Stands back, judging how the violets look.) What do

you think?JACKIE: I think when John hears how much you paid for that, you’re

going to be in trouble.MARIANNE: (Puts plants back where they were.) No, it overpowers the

plants. I’ll have to think of something else.ELIZABETH: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, carrying a pad of paper and a

pencil.) Mom, do we have any Sudsy Shampoo? I need a label.MARIANNE: I think so.JACKIE: What contest are you entering this time?ELIZABETH: It’s the Sudsy Shampoo Slogan contest. They have a

brand new ingredient that no other shampoo has, and they’re having this contest to find a slogan for it. First prize is a lifetime supply of Sudsy Shampoo.

JACKIE: What’s the ingredient?ELIZABETH: Soap. Do you want to hear my slogan?JACKIE: Sure. (Listens intently, but MARIANNE is busy dusting off the urn.)ELIZABETH: (Recites, in singsong fashion.) “Suds your hair before

your date, you’ll make your boyfriend salivate.” (Looks expectant at JACKIE and MARIANNE.)

JOHN: Now wait a minute. Not prefers. I do not prefer to live in Mexico. I prefer to live right here in my own home. I am fleeing to Mexico! I go to protect my very life!

ELIZABETH: Is someone after you? Are you a spy?MARIANNE: (Stops crying, concerned.) Who would be after you? Are

you in some kind of trouble?JOHN: Ha! As if you didn’t know.RUSS: You might as well confess, Marianne. John knows all about

the murder.MR. JANSEN: There’s been a murder here?JOHN: Not yet. It’s scheduled for tomorrow.JACKIE: There’s going to be a murder?MARIANNE: What are you talking about?JOHN: We are talking about my murder. The one you have so

conveniently planned for this weekend.MARIANNE: You must be going crazy.JACKIE: Does that Mayo Clinic have a psychiatric ward?MARIANNE: Why would I want to murder my own husband?JOHN: So you can be free.RUSS: Free to marry Roy.MARIANNE: Roy who?JOHN: (Mimicks.) Roy, who? Oh, listen to her. I suppose you’re going

to deny that my brother Roy is coming here from Oklahoma City.MARIANNE: Well, no, I won’t deny that—JOHN: To say nothing of Swan’s Mortuary for Monday morning.MARIANNE: Oh, you found out. My surprise is ruined.JOHN: Yes, I found out. And a lucky thing for me that I did, too. I may

be getting old and weak, but I’m not senile yet.MR. JANSEN: (Still rubbing his eye.) You aren’t even very weak.JOHN: I can still get away from that murderer you hired.MARIANNE: Murderer! You thought… You actually thought I was going

to have you killed?JOHN: Weren’t you?MARIANNE: How can you think such a thing?JOHN: It wasn’t too hard when I was reading the list of flowers,

organist, casket…MARIANNE: So that’s it. You found the list. I was going to pretend

that you died. I was going to have a fake funeral and have all our

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friends there, and then you’d see how much we all love you and you wouldn’t care if you’re fifty years old or a hundred. It was going to be a party. A fiftieth funeral party!

RUSS: You’re right. She does get some crazy ideas.JOHN: You weren’t going to have me killed?MARIANNE: Of course not. I love you.JOHN: What about Roy? And the Starburst?MARIANNE: That was part of the surprise. I thought you’d like to see

your brother again.JOHN: Then you aren’t having an affair with him?MARIANNE: (Incredulous.) With Roy? That hairy ape?JOHN: Oh, honey. I’m so relieved.ELIZABETH: Why are you going to Mexico?JOHN: I’m not going. Not now. I was only going to Mexico, because I

thought your mother wanted to get rid of me. I decided to just slip away and save her the trouble.

RUSS: And save your life at the same time.MARIANNE: I thought you were leaving me. When I saw that ticket, I

thought you were leaving. I thought you wanted to start a new life in Mexico, without me.

JACKIE: She even thought there might be another woman.JOHN: There’ll never be another woman for me.MARIANNE: And there’ll never be another man for me. (They embrace.)JOHN: Even when I’m old and bald?MARIANNE: The older you get, the more I love you. Just like the furniture.MR. JANSEN: Then you definitely are not dying, Mr. Dollefson?JOHN: I have never felt better in my life. I apologize for hitting you. I

thought you wanted something else from Elizabeth.MR. JANSEN: Apology accepted. (MR. JANSEN and JOHN shake hands.)ELIZABETH: I guess this means I didn’t win the contest.MR. JANSEN: According to the rules, the winner of the Heart’s Desire

Contest has a choice. You can take the specific item that you asked for in your entry, or you can take the twenty thousand dollars in cash.

ELIZABETH: Wow!MR. JANSEN: You obviously made an honest mistake because of

a misunderstanding. Since you didn’t deliberately defraud the contest, I see no reason why you should be disqualified. If you wish to choose the cash, that option is open to you.

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LET HIM SLEEP ’TIL IT’S TIME FOR HIS FUNERAL

By PEG KEHRET

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

JACKIE WESTMORE .............Dollefsons’ neighbor; in her early 115 fifties; Marianne’s friend

MARIANNE DOLLEFSON .......pretty woman in her late forties; 192 John’s wife

ELIZABETH DOLLEFSON .......age 15; Marianne and John’s 68 daughter; loves entering contests

RUSS WESTMORE ...............Jackie’s husband; John’s friend 143JOHN DOLLEFSON ...............age 49; balding with a slight 216

paunch; concerned about his ageMR. JANSEN .......................contest official 20

SETTINGTime: June, 1993.

Place: The living room of the Dollefson home.

SET DESCRIPTIONThere is a flowered sofa and a coffee table at CENTER. A large rocking chair is LEFT. There are two small end tables, one next to the rocker and the other to the right of the sofa. A big desk is at an angle at RIGHT. There is a desk chair that doesn’t match. Pots of African violets sit on the desk, coffee table, and end tables. There are an assortment of odds and ends such as vases and other knickknacks placed around the room. All are old and in poor condition. The effect is of homey clutter. A working door at LEFT leads to the kitchen and garage, while entrance DOWN RIGHT leads to the bedrooms. The door to the street is UP RIGHT.

ELIZABETH: Wow!MARIANNE: Twenty thousand dollars in cash?JACKIE: That’s even better than a lifetime supply of Sudsy Shampoo.RUSS: Congratulations, Elizabeth.JACKIE: I always knew she’d win someday.ELIZABETH: I won! I really won! (Bursts into tears.) Oh, I’m so happy.RUSS: We finally know why she cries all the time. It’s because she’s

so happy.JOHN: Thank you, Mr. Jansen.ELIZABETH: Yes, thank you.MR. JANSEN: (Hands ELIZABETH a business card.) You can come to

my office on Monday and pick up the check. And we’d like to take a few pictures while you’re there.

JOHN: This calls for a celebration! Tonight, we’ll celebrate two very special events, Elizabeth’s win and my wonderful fiftieth birthday.

MARIANNE: Your wonderful birthday? Did you hear that, Jackie? We’re going to celebrate John’s wonderful birthday.

JACKIE: Let’s have the champagne today.RUSS: What champagne?JACKIE: The champagne I bought to have after John’s funeral. It’s

hidden in the garage.RUSS: In John’s garage? We may never find it.JACKIE: Let’s get it right now. (EXITS LEFT with RUSS.)JOHN: Could you stay, Mr. Jansen? There isn’t going to be a murder or

a funeral, but there’s going to be quite a party.MR. JANSEN: Thanks, but I have to be going. I’ll see you on Monday,

Elizabeth. Your twenty thousand dollars will be ready.ELIZABETH: (Cries louder.) Thanks. Twenty thousand dollars… Wow!

(Runs OUT DOWN RIGHT. MR. JANSEN EXITS UP RIGHT.)JOHN: (Takes MARIANNE’S hand. They sit on the sofa.) Sweetheart, I’m

sorry I suspected you of having an affair.MARIANNE: It’s all right. I suspected you, too.JOHN: And I’m awfully sorry I spoiled your surprise.MARIANNE: I do think you would have enjoyed it. I was going to have

flowers and music and the most beautiful… Oh. Oh, dear. Excuse me a minute. (Jumps up, hurries to the telephone, and starts to dial. RUSS and JACKIE ENTER LEFT. JACKIE carries the bottle of champagne, RUSS has the staple gun.)

RUSS: Happy birthday, John. (Shoots the staple gun into the air.) You still pack quite a wallop for a man your age.

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For Carl.

JOHN: Thanks. (Flexes his biceps.) I kind of surprised myself.MARIANNE: Hello? Swan’s Mortuary? I’d like to cancel a casket.

(BLACKOUT.)END OF PLAY

For preview only

By Peg Kehret

© Copyright 2017, by Peg Kehret

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by PEG KEHRET to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.

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1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

36

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEScene One: Flowered sofa, coffee table, large rocking chair, end tables,

big desk with a phone, non-matching desk chair, pots of African violets, vases, and other knickknacks. Inside the desk there is a calendar, phone book, and a felt-tip pen.

Scene Two: Same as in Scene One, with the addition of the following: pile of letters on desk, one envelope has an airplane ticket inside, papers on desk, umbrellas in urn.

Scene Two: Same as in Scene One, with the addition of the following: several suitcases, the smallest of which has an airline ticket lying on top of packed clothes.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene One:

Large ornate urn (MARIANNE, JACKIE)Purse, dustcloth (MARIANNE)Pad of paper, pencil, envelope, newspaper (ELIZABETH)Drill, fishing hat with flies (RUSS)Fishing poles, tackle boxes (JOHN, RUSS)

Scene Two:Paper on clipboard, pencil, envelope (ELIZABETH)

Scene Three:Tin of cookies (MARIANNE)Purse (ELIZABETH)Business card (MR. JANSEN)Bottle of champagne (JACKIE)Staple gun (RUSS)

SOUND EFFECTSDoorbell.

COSTUMESMost of the cast wear light summer clothing. John, however, wears a buttoned, cardigan sweater.

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