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BERTHA: (Sniffs the air.) What are you doing, pollutinating the air with your dinner smells?

PETER: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize… (Casts a puzzled look at UNCLE BRAIN and then at AMANDA.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT, very distressed. Holds Pretzel’s leash, which now has a gap in the collar.) Oh, dear, oh, dear! Has anyone seen Pretzel? He’s missing. He disappeared right after dinner.

PETER: (Places his take-out bag on the floor and steps towards MR. PENGULLY.) Sir, I’d like to help you find your dog. Can you describe him? (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN exchange glances.)

AMANDA: Uh, Dad, there’s something you should know.MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Me me me me me me me.

(Peers at ALL ONSTAGE through her magnifying glass.) Vell, vhat a delightful gathering. Is zis to velcome ze new neighbors?

GERTRUDE: What new neighbors? Where’s Mr. Bunion? I want to report some, some… (Turns to UNCLE BRAIN.) …what did you say the word was?

UNCLE BRAIN: Loiterers.GERTRUDE: Some loiterers.BERTHA: Yes, loiterers littering our lobby!GERTRUDE: Disgraceful!BERTHA: Disruptive!GERTRUDE: Disgusting!MR. PENGULLY: Would someone please help me find Pretzel?

(Pauses and then crouches by the bag.) Oh, wait, here he is!PETER: (Looks around.) Where?MR. PENGULLY: Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, sir. (Holds up the bag and

peers inside.) I’m afraid he’s had a taste of your dinner. Please allow me to make amends.

PETER: (Looks very confused.) I don’t understand.MR. PENGULLY: (Sets the bag down and shakes his finger while

he puts the collar back together.) Pretzel, you are a very naughty dog! First you ran off on me, and then you ate this man’s dinner. (PETER picks up the bag and peers into it with a confused expression.)

CHESTER: (ENTERS LEFT backwards, looks around slowly. He sees BERTHA and GERTRUDE, cowers and points at them.) Ahhh! It’s “Them.” It’s “Them”! (Runs UP CENTER and starts to

EUNICE: Shush, Ervin!GERTRUDE: Eunice, you don’t understand… he’s—EUNICE: No, you’re right. I certainly don’t understand.MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS RIGHT, singing.) My my my my my my

my. How nice it is to have my voice back again. No more cold for me. Tra la la! (Looks at EUNICE, steps close to the TRIPLETS and puts her magnifying glass right in EUNICE’S face. GERTRUDE and BERTHA nod simultaneously.) Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my… Gertrude and Bertha, I see zat you have found your triplet at last! How nice for you! (Turns her magnifying glass on ERVIN.) And you, sir, are you ze owner?

ERVIN: No, she is. (Points to EUNICE.)MADAM LUFTKA: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh… vhat a coincidence! Dat

your triplet has been ze owner of ze building dat you have lived in for so long. Von of life’s bitter-sveet discoveries, to be sure! (Steps towards D. MOLISH and holds her magnifying glass up to him.) And who might you be?

D. MOLISH: I’m, D. Molish, developer.MADAM LUFTKA: (Holds out her hand.) How nice to meet vit you,

Mr. Developer. I do hope zat you like ze cats! Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow! (Sits on the arm of the couch.)

D. MOLISH: (To EUNICE.) What does she mean by that?EUNICE: Oh, nothing, I’m sure!GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a feather boa, high heels and

an evening dress. Melodramatic.) Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? What’s in a name…? I’m Gladys Glump! Which one of you is the developer?

D. MOLISH: (Meekly raises his hand. Weak.) I am.GLADYS: (Glides dramatically towards D. MOLISH and holds out her

hand.) Charmed to meet you, sir. Do you have connections?D. MOLISH: Connections?GLADYS: Yes, connections with those who will be hiring from the

new film studio, of course.D. MOLISH: Are you an… actress?GLADYS: (Annoyed.) Haven’t you seen my movies? I was in “Attack

of the Killer Turnips.” I was a turnip!D. MOLISH: I can’t say that I’ve seen that one, sorry.GLADYS: You haven’t? Well, I just happen to have a copy of it up in

my suite. I’ll go and get it for you, along with my resumé and my portfolio!

By Michelle R. Davis

© Copyright 2004, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

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FOIBLES AND FOLLYA Two Act Comedyby Michelle R. Davis

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In order of appearance)

# of lines

AMANDA McGOWAN ................ teen-age girl, outspoken 119 and very critical of others

UNCLE BRAIN McGOWAN ....... uncle to Amanda 74PETER McGOWAN ................... Amanda’s father, an eccentric 58

scientist in his early 40s; younger brother to Brain

NORTHROP PENGULLY .......... kindly, British man in his late 39 60s who walks an imaginary dog named Pretzel

MADAM MADELEINE LUFTKA ... exuberant, middle-aged 23 woman with a foreign accent; speaks with an operatic voice

CHESTER FIELD ...................... odd, quiet, elderly man who 22 spends most of his time hiding behind the couch and trying to elude “Them”

BILL BUNION ............................ manager of Distinctive Manor 45GLADYS GLUMP ...................... glamorous movie star 45

“wannabe” in her early 40sGERTRUDE .............................. haughty, bossy woman in her 31

50s; triplet to Bertha and Eunice

BERTHA .................................... triplet to Gertrude and Eunice 24EUNICE ..................................... owner of Distinctive Manor 40

and long-lost triplet to Bertha and Gertrude (unbeknownst to

her!)ERVIN VICTION ........................ works for Eunice 30D. MOLISH ................................ building developer 14

EXIT RIGHT just as BILL and GLADYS ENTER RIGHT. When he sees BILL, he turns to run in the opposite direction.)

BILL: (Grabs CHESTER. Shouts triumphantly.) Ah-ha! I’ve got you now, Chester! Let’s go and find your checkbook, shall we? (CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

SPOTLIGHT UP: A few days later in EUNICE’S office, played in front of the curtain DOWN LEFT.EUNICE’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Yells in a booming voice.)

That’s it… you’re fired! I mean it, you’re fired! Good riddance!EUNICE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. Sits in the chair and shakes her

head.) Good riddance, indeed! Now, let me see here… (Holds up a piece of paper and stares at it.) Oh, muckle muckle! (Taps desk with a pen impatiently.) Just as I suspected, these accounts are not balancing out! I should have fired that accountant years ago. Miserable, malevolent man! He’s probably been stealing from me, too! (Starts typing a letter. Yells.) Ervin? Ervin! Where are you? Get in here, now! (Continues to type.)

ERVIN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. Speaks in a matter-of-fact manner.) Yes? Are you going to fire me, too, Eunice?

EUNICE: Nothing but nonsense! However, the way my accounts are going… that accountant was no good!

ERVIN: I hate to say I told you so.EUNICE: Stop goating and—ERVIN: I think you mean gloating.EUNICE: No, I meant goating… as in stop your incessant bleating! I

need you to make a delivery for me… a letter.ERVIN: Whatever your Heartlessness desires. Is it concerning what

I think it’s concerning?EUNICE: (Hisses.) Yessssss! (Stops typing and puts letter into an

envelope. Hands letter to ERVIN.) Here you are. I want immediate action! Nothing less.

ERVIN: (Bows mockingly and tips his hat.) Yes, Eunice, nothing less, of course. (Turns to EXIT DOWN LEFT, then stops and turns back toward EUNICE.) You know, Eunice, it’s always struck me as rather ironic that you have the word “nice” in your name. Eunice… “U-nice”… no, it just doesn’t fit. Such irony. You’re certainly one-of-a-kind! (Shakes his head. EXITS.)

ERVIN: (Sympathetic.) Eunice, that hardly matters now.EUNICE: Ervin, do not interrupt me!MR. PENGULLY: (Fretfully searches down on his hands and knees.)

Oh, dear, she’s right. He’s missing! He’s run off! I knew this would happen. Ever since I told him we would have to move, he’s not been himself. Would someone please help me find him?

AMANDA: I’ll help you, Mr. Pengully! I think I saw him digging up a bone in the garden. I’ll go get him for you. (EXITS LEFT.)

MR. PENGULLY: (Sits on the couch next to PETER, who pats his shoulder sympathetically.) Oh, thank you. I just don’t have the energy to go chasing after him anymore.

EUNICE: Ervin, write down his name. (Points to MR. PENGULLY.) Pengully. He will be fined for having a pet.

ERVIN: But, Eunice, really… (EUNICE glares at him as he scribbles something down in his binder. He shakes his head. CHESTER furtively ENTERS LEFT. He flattens himself against the back wall and slinks along it. No one else pays attention to him except for D. MOLISH, who watches him closely.)

PETER: (Glances over his shoulder and notices that CHESTER has made an entrance. Again reads from his newspaper.) This article also states, “…B1400 power lines, which are often situated directly over a building, can eventually cause people to see things which are not really there and to believe in things which are not real.” (Looks up from his paper and exclaims.) Hey, aren’t those the type of power lines that we have dangling over this apartment?

CHESTER: (Points suddenly to the coat rack.) Ahhhhh! It’s “Them,” it’s “Them”! (Dives behind the couch. D. MOLISH looks alarmed by CHESTER’S behavior.)

PETER: (Leans over the couch to speak to CHESTER.) Chester, it’s all right, it’s not “Them.” That’s just the coat rack.

CHESTER: (Pops his head up from behind the couch.) Oh, so it is.AMANDA: (ENTERS LEFT. She mimes carrying Pretzel, takes

him to MR. PENGULLY and attaches his leash.) Here he is, Mr. Pengully. I’m sorry he’s a little dirty still. I washed him off as well as I could, but he still has a bit of mud on him. (D. MOLISH, EUNICE and ERVIN exchange glances, baffled.)

MR. PENGULLY: Why, thank you, Amanda, dear. I’m so relieved. (Shakes his finger at Pretzel.) Pretzel, you are a naughty dog for running off like that, but I will forgive you, under the circumstances.

ERVIN: (In a sarcastic tone.) Eunice, what kind of fine would you say applies here?

NOTES

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Set Design - Foibles and Folly

SETTINGTime: Any era.Place: Lobby of Distinctive Manor, a run-down apartment building.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE, Scene One: A diary session, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Two: A week later in the lobby.

ACT ONE, Scene Three: A few days later in Eunice’s office, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Four: The same day, outside Distinctive Manor. Another diary session, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Five: An hour later in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene One: Three weeks later, outside Distinctive Manor (played before the curtain).

ACT TWO, Scene Two: That afternoon in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene Three: Moments later in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene Four: Three months later in the lobby.

EUNICE: (Mutters as she begins to type another letter.) Cheeky fellow! Such irritating and ill-natured insolence! I should fire him, too. (SPOTLIGHT OUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

SPOTLIGHT UP: The same day, outside Distinctive Manor (played before the curtain). AMANDA sits DOWN RIGHT as in ACT ONE, Scene One, writing in her journal. A large backpack sits next to her.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, So much

has happened since my last entry that I don’t even know where to start. To sum it up, the apartment we’ve moved into is hardly a dream home. In fact, it’s kind of like my worst nightmare! The people who live here are really odd. There’s no hot tub, no theatre and definitely no swimming pool, unless you count the big mud puddle in the vacant lot next door. I wouldn’t dip my big toe in that! And those cats! Who can sleep at night with all the racket they make? It’s more than I can take, so I’ve made up my mind… I’m leaving! With all of the chaos around here, no one will even notice that I’m gone. Jenny has agreed to let me stay at her place for a while until I—”

UNCLE BRAIN: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, wearing rubber boots.) Amanda? There you are. Your dad was wondering where you keep disappearing to. What are you writing?

AMANDA: (Closes her journal quickly and hugs it to her chest defensively. Discreetly pushes the backpack behind her with her foot.) Uh… nothing.

UNCLE BRAIN: I never knew nothing required so much effort. Well, when you’ve finished your latest literary saga, do you think you could come and help your dad and me with his new experiment? He wants your opinion. I’ve already given him mine.

AMANDA: (Impatient.) What’s he working on now?UNCLE BRAIN: He insists he’s staying away from all combustible

materials for a while, especially after his… previous experience.AMANDA: That’s a relief.UNCLE BRAIN: Currently he’s experimenting with improving soil

quality for farming.AMANDA: Sounds safe enough. All right, I’ll be there… in a few

minutes.

GERTRUDE: Blithesome! (She and BERTHA surround and attempt to hug her.)

EUNICE: (Resists their advances.) Blundering bloopers! What is this? I’m not your triplet.

GERTRUDE: Of course you are, look at us! (She, BERTHA and EUNICE stand in a row. ALL stare.)

ERVIN: (Sidles close to EUNICE.) You know, they have a point. You even talk like them.

D. MOLISH: (To EUNICE.) I’m sure it’s none of my business, but, didn’t you know that you were a triplet?

EUNICE: You’re right, it’s none of your busybody, buzzing beeswax. And no, I am not a triplet! These women have no idea what they are talking about. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA react indignantly.)

PETER: (Puts his lab goggles over his eyes.) Wow, after this touching family reunion, this may seem a little anticlimactic, but did anyone happen to read this bit of news today? (Speaks as if he is reading aloud from the newspaper.) “Scientists have proven that water which leaches off of vacant or undeveloped land can have adverse effects on those who live nearby. These potentially severe side effects may continue to occur even once the land is developed.” (D. MOLISH leans in to listen with a worried look. PETER winks at AMANDA over his paper.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.” D. MOLISH watches them curiously.) Now, Pretzel, we agreed that you would act in a civil manner to the owner of this building, even if he or she is evicting us! No biting, no clawing and, no, absolutely no piddling! (Looks up.) Now which one of you is the owner of this establishment?

EUNICE: (Pulls herself away from BERTHA and GERTRUDE.) I am.MR. PENGULLY: Oh, my, does my vision deceive me in my old age?

I think I’m seeing triple.BERTHA: Northrop, your vision is just fine. (Clings to EUNICE and

gushes.) Gertrude and I have finally found our sister! We are now complete!

EUNICE: (Tries to wriggle free of BERTHA.) No, I am not their sister. But I am the owner of this building. I also happen to disagree with them on one other point—that of your vision. (Points to the empty leash.) Can you not see that your dog, or whatever it is, has escaped? Your leash is empty. (MR. PENGULLY looks down at the leash, worried.) That brings me to another point, there are no pets allowed in this building!

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UNCLE BRAIN: (Turns to EXIT, pauses and faces AMANDA again.) You might want to wear some rubber boots.

AMANDA: Why?UNCLE BRAIN: He’s doing his testing in the mud puddle next door.

(EXITS CENTER.)AMANDA: (Disgusted.) Ugh! Oh, great! (Opens her journal and

sighs.) Where was I? (Slams journal shut.) Oh, never mind! (Reaches for her backpack, rummages through it for a couple of seconds and pulls out some money.) Yep, there’s enough here for the bus. I’m outta here, right after I help Dad with his experiment. He’ll be less suspicious that way. (Sighs.) I guess I’d better find some rubber boots. (EXITS CENTER.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

CURTAIN UP: An hour later in the lobby. BILL sweeps, whistling a happy tune. He pauses to inspect his work, then nods to himself. He starts to straighten the couch cushions and several Styrofoam packing pieces fall on the floor. He reaches under the cushions and several more fall. He sweeps them up into a dustpan and then hides them back underneath the cushions. He kneels on the floor and searches under the couch. CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT and sneaks, unnoticed, behind the couch.ERVIN: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a dark trench coat and hat and

carrying an envelope and clipboard. He removes his hat then coughs to get BILL’S attention.) Ahem! Excuse me, sir, but could you tell me where I could find a Mr. William Bunion, please?

BILL: (Stands up and brushes himself off.) That would be Bill Bunion… and that’s me.

ERVIN: Ah, very well then. This is for you. (Hands BILL a sealed envelope.)

BILL: Thanks.ERVIN: Would you be so kind as to sign here, please? (Hands BILL a

clipboard with a piece of paper and a pen attached to it.)BILL: What for?ERVIN: To indicate that you did, in fact, receive the letter on this date.BILL: All right. (Nonchalantly signs his name and returns the

clipboard.)ERVIN: Thank you, sir. (Mysterious.) We’ll be in touch then. (Tips his

hat to BILL and EXITS LEFT.)

D. MOLISH: (Does a visual inspection of the lobby as he ENTERS. Hangs up his hat and coat on the coat rack.) The wrecking crew arrives a week from today. Can I be assured that all of your tenants will be out by then?

EUNICE: Ervin?ERVIN: Yes, yes, they’re all packing now, Eunice.D. MOLISH: (Lowers his voice, indicating PETER and AMANDA as

he speaks.) What about these people? They don’t seem to be in any hurry to leave. (EUNICE and ERVIN turn their backs and have a silent “mimed” dispute over this oversight. To AMANDA.) Excuse me, miss. (AMANDA glares up at him.) Are you aware that this building is scheduled to be demolished within the week?

AMANDA: Yes.D. MOLISH: Are you making plans to move out?AMANDA: No, I’m not! (PETER peers slowly and curiously at

AMANDA over his newspaper. AMANDA stands up, defiant.) You can just bring on your wrecking ball. I’m staying put. What are you going to do about that, huh? What if all of the tenants decided to stay put? What would you do? Where are we supposed to go, anyway? Have you ever thought of that? (Pauses.) Well, have you?

PETER: (Whispers to AMANDA from over his newspaper.) Amanda!EUNICE: (She and ERVIN turn around. She approaches AMANDA.

Annoyed.) Excuse me, are you one of the tenants here?AMANDA: (Bewildered.) You know that I am, Gertrude… (Peers at

EUNICE closely.) …or is it Bertha?EUNICE: Who’s Gertrude… and Bertha? I’m Eunice.PETER: (Looks up from his paper. He and AMANDA gawk at

EUNICE.) Are you the owner of the building?EUNICE: Yes, I am.PETER: (He and AMANDA exchange stunned looks.) I don’t believe

it! (Shakes his head.)EUNICE: What do you mean, you don’t believe it? Such improper,

impudence! Are you implying that I am an imposter?GERTRUDE: (She and BERTHA ENTER RIGHT. There is a moment

of stunned silence. Their mouths gape open. They stare first at EUNICE and then at each other. Excited.) Oh, Bertha, look! Can you believe it? It’s our long-lost triplet! We’ve finally been reunited after 52 years! Blessed day!

BERTHA: Blissful!

ERVIN VICTION: Dark suit, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes and hat. In ACT ONE, Scene Five and ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a dark trench coat.

MR. D. MOLISH: Business suit, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes, raincoat and hat.

MORE ABOUT THE SETTo dress up (or dress down) the set, the lobby could include a lopsided chandelier, a bookshelf with one book on it and perhaps a floor mat in front of the exit at STAGE LEFT. The backdrop could even be wallpapered, with pieces of the wall’s pattern partly torn off or left partially hanging in keeping with the apartment’s old and shabby nature.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe roles of NORTHROP PENGULLY and BILL BUNION can be combined to be played by one actor.D. MOLISH could be cast as a female, DEE MOLISH.

SET DESCRIPTION

The lobby of Distinctive Manor is typical of older apartment buildings, but with a run-down appearance. At CENTER there should be a shabby couch. Other typical pieces, such as a chair, a small coffee table or a small side table can be added to the arrangement, leaving plenty of space for the tenants to congregate and move around.

There are two exits: STAGE LEFT represents the main entrance to the apartment building from outside. A coat rack should be placed just DOWNSTAGE of this entrance. STAGE RIGHT represents the entrance to the building’s individual apartments. UPSTAGE there is a painted or wallpapered backdrop (or flat) with some paintings hanging crookedly.

ACT ONE, Scene Three takes place in front of the curtain DOWN LEFT. This area represents a simple office with a desk and a chair that face the audience. On top of the desk is a typewriter (or laptop computer), some papers and a pen. A wastebasket sits to the right of the desk.

Please refer to the set design on page 46.

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ACT ONEScene One

SPOTLIGHT UP: In front of the curtain on AMANDA, sitting cross-legged on the floor DOWN RIGHT with a pen and her journal, which has “PRIVATE!” boldly written on the cover. She writes in her journal.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, Things have

gotten worse… much worse. Not only did Dad lose another job, but now we are forced to sell our house and move! Dad says—get this—we’ll have to move into a “smallish” apartment for a little while, until we can get ourselves on our feet again. Then, he informs me that Uncle Brain is moving in with us! Two scientists under one roof… my life is ruined! Dad says that he needs Uncle Brain’s assistance for some secret project he’s working on. I haven’t seen my Uncle Brain since Mom died five years ago. I hardly even know him! (Pauses.) About this apartment… my friend Jenny tells me that some apartments have swimming pools, hot tubs and even theatres in them. I really hope our new apartment is something like that. (Sighs.) That would be great! Signing off for now, Amanda. (Closes her journal. SPOT OUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

CURTAIN UP: A week later in the lobby, which is filled with piles of boxes and a few suitcases. UNCLE BRAIN is leaning back on the couch, reading a science magazine. AMANDA stands in front of the couch, leaning on a large pile of boxes with her elbows.AMANDA: (With obvious distaste.) This place smells!UNCLE BRAIN: (Startles slightly from his reading.) Pardon?AMANDA: I said (Stresses each word.) this place smells! What are

these apartments called again? Distinctive Manor? Yeah, they’re distinctive all right! (Holds her nose.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Leans forward and sniffs the air. Thoughtful.) I cannot say that I detect such an odious odor as you are suggesting, Amanda. (Leans back on the couch and resumes reading.)

AMANDA: (Points.) I wouldn’t lean back in that couch if I were you, Uncle Brain.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Sits up slowly. Looks pensive. Serious.) Why is that, Amanda?

AMANDA: You could get… (Glances around again and wrinkles her nose with disgust.) …cooties!

BILL: (Gazes at the envelope, somewhat mystified, then starts to open it. Before he can pull the letter out, AMANDA ENTERS LEFT. She stomps into the lobby wearing a raincoat and rubber boots and covered in mud from head to foot. He stuffs the envelope into his pocket.) Acckkkk! Stop right there! I just cleaned this floor! I’ll be right back. Don’t move! (Hurries OUT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Aggravated. To herself.) How do I let Dad talk me into these things? I mean, couldn’t he have chosen some other occupation? Like anything other than a scientist? I’ve never seen anyone get so excited about mud and dirt! (Looks at her watch.) I hope this doesn’t take long. I have a bus to catch! (BILL RE-ENTERS RIGHT, carrying some newspaper, a spray bottle and a rag. He spreads the newspaper on the floor for her to step on.) I’m sorry. (Steps onto the newspaper and removes her boots.) I was just helping my dad out… (CHESTER’S hands and the top of his head appear from behind the couch as he listens in on the conversation.)

BILL: Out in that pool of mud next door… I know, I know. I saw you. And here I thought your family was—well, on second thought, unpack those boxes. You may fit in here nicely after all.

AMANDA: (Defensive.) What do you mean? How can you compare us to the folks who live here? We don’t walk pretend dogs, wear inner tubes, hide behind couches… (Points to the couch. We see a quick flash of movement from CHESTER as he ducks and removes his hands from the couch. BILL and AMANDA glance at the couch and give each other an odd look.) …or wear matching clothes and talk funny, nor do we have grand illusions about being movie stars!

BILL: No… but you do wade around and dig in mud puddles.AMANDA: We were doing an experiment.BILL: Your father wears a plastic bag instead of a raincoat.AMANDA: My dad likes to recycle.BILL: And I think I heard someone talking to themselves a minute

ago. (AMANDA looks embarrassed.) Well, whatever you say, my dear. (Sits on the couch.)

AMANDA: Besides, one of your tenants stole my dad’s raincoat.CHESTER: (Pops his head up from behind the couch.) I did not!

(Hides again.)BILL: (Glances casually over the back of the couch to speak to

CHESTER.) Chester, don’t you know that it’s very impolite to listen in on other people’s conversations? (Turns back to AMANDA.) You were saying?

PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a newspaper under his arm. Speaks to UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA. Looks OFF LEFT.) Oops, Bertha then. I always get them mixed up. I hope I didn’t offend her.

AMANDA: Don’t worry about it, Dad. I’m sure everyone’s on edge because of today’s news. Besides, you know Bertha and Gertrude—they’re offended by everything!

UNCLE BRAIN: It took some convincing, but you did succeed in stopping those surveyors from working near your experimental soil patch, Peter.

PETER: It’s just a temporary measure, but that’s all I’ll need if my plan works.

AMANDA: What is your plan, Dad? You haven’t let us in on it yet.PETER: Well, it’s simple, really. One of the surveyors mentioned that the

developer and the building’s owner are scheduled to have a meeting here in the lobby this afternoon. All we have to do is convince the developer that he doesn’t really want this location. We’re going to lead him to believe that his new development… his film studio… is about to be built in a very, shall we say, unhealthy environment. (Removes his raincoat and hangs it on the coat rack.)

AMANDA: How are you going to do that? There’s not enough time to organize all of our neighbors and let them in on your plan. Besides, they’re all busy packing and finding new places to live.

PETER: Elementary, my dear. We’re just going to let our neighbors be themselves!

AMANDA: That’s it? That’s your plan? I thought you’d come up with something better than that, especially when there’s so much at stake here!

PETER: (Patient.) Amanda, just trust me. Brain, can you do me a favor?

UNCLE BRAIN: Certainly.PETER: Casually mention to each of our neighbors that the owner

of the building—the one who is evicting them only one week from now—will also be in the lobby this afternoon to meet with the developer. That ought to ensure a good turn out, don’t you think?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Smiles thoughtfully.) Ah, I see where you’re going with this. I’ll take care of it. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Angry.) I don’t see it at all. (Quietly. To herself.) I can’t believe I stuck around for this! (Flops down on the couch. PETER sits next to her, opens his newspaper and begins to read. EUNICE, ERVIN and D. MOLISH ENTER LEFT. PETER continues to read the paper. AMANDA glowers at the floor.)

For the first part of ACT ONE, Scene Two, he wears a lab coat with a large, dark, round stain on the back. Later in Scene Two, he wears a new lab coat, without a stain. In ACT ONE, Scene Four, he wears rubber boots. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a lighter-colored raincoat.

PETER McGOWAN: Mismatched and disheveled clothes worn under a wrinkled, white lab coat. For ACT ONE, Scene Two, he wears a miner’s headlamp on his head, then later wears a motorcycle helmet, yellow rubber gloves and a plastic garbage bag as a raincoat. In ACT ONE, Scene Five, he wears “muddy” rubber boots, a “muddy” plastic garbage bag, “mud-splattered” lab goggles, a rain hat and rubber gloves. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a dark-colored raincoat (like Chester’s) and lab goggles on his head.

NORTHROP PENGULLY: Tweed suit, matching cap, dress shirt and tie, dress shoes.

MADAM MADELEINE LUFTKA: Bright and varied colors to express her exuberant personality (skirt, frilly blouse, boots or heels, wide-brimmed, floral hat). She wears an inner tube over the top of her clothing and carries a magnifying glass, except in ACT TWO, Scene Four, where she no longer wears the inner tube and wears glasses. In ACT ONE, Scene Two, she wears a cape.

CHESTER FIELD: Neutral-colored and outdated clothing to express his desire to “fade” into the background (gray pants, dress shirt, loafers or runners). He wears a dark, hooded raincoat in ACT ONE, Scenes Two and Five, and ACT TWO, Scene Two. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, he wears a security guard uniform.

BILL BUNION: Work clothes or overalls, a tool belt, work boots or shoes and a watch. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, he wears summer vacation clothes such as Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and sandals.

GLADYS GLUMP: 1950s glamorous “movie star” apparel. In ACT ONE, Scene Five, she wears sunglasses and a scarf tied dramatically over her head. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, she wears an evening dress, boa and heels. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, she wears a “mud mask” on her face and a smock. (If desired, and if resources are available, she could have a costume change for every scene.)

GERTRUDE/BERTHA/EUNICE: Matching outfits (or as close to matching as possible). Their clothing could consist of polyester skirts with matching jackets or blouses, shoes, purses and wigs. EUNICE needs a watch.

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UNCLE BRAIN: Ah, yes, cooties… pesky little things. Amanda, you really should strive to use correct terms. Cootie is a slang term for a louse. I am unsure of the origin of the word cootie, although I wonder… (Looks off as if lost in thought.) …oh, look, here’s one! (Reaches to pick something off AMANDA’S shoulder.)

AMANDA: (Shrieks. Jumps about, shakes her head and brushes off her shoulder.) Eewwwhh! Where is it? Get it off! Get it off!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Mildly amused.) Actually, there wasn’t one. I was merely testing a hypothesis that I had about your reaction to a potential louse… or cootie, as you call it.

AMANDA: (Stares at UNCLE BRAIN, aghast.) A hypothesis?UNCLE BRAIN: I was only making a joke, Amanda. You know…

humor… to lighten up the situation a bit.AMANDA: I didn’t find that very funny! I hate this apartment already!

(Gives a gentle kick to a box. Styrofoam packing pieces fall onto the floor.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Startled. Maintains his composure.) You know, hasty judgments are often regretted.

AMANDA: So are bad jokes! (Turns her back on UNCLE BRAIN, angrily crosses her arms in front of her chest.)

PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a miner’s headlamp and carrying two seemingly heavy boxes. Smiles.) Ah, I’m so glad to see that the two of you are getting reacquainted! (Pauses.) However, I could use some help moving these boxes upstairs to our apartment. (Excited.) By the way… (Sets down the boxes momentarily.) …did you see the gem I just unearthed from one of the boxes? My trusty old headlamp! Have I ever missed this fine piece of equipment! (Pensive.) I wonder how it got lost in the first place. (Picks up boxes and EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Sheepish.) Uh-oh! I hid Dad’s headlamp in the bottom of that box a few months ago.

UNCLE BRAIN: Why would you do that?AMANDA: Dad would always wear that thing when he took me to see

a movie. He said that it helped him to select good seats… and to avoid sitting in spilled soda.

UNCLE BRAIN: Did you ever end up sitting in spilled soda?AMANDA: No.UNCLE BRAIN: Well, then it was an effective measure.AMANDA: (Exasperated.) But it was embarrassing!UNCLE BRAIN: (Stands and picks up a box.) I think that sitting

in spilled soda would be embarrassing. (Turns his back to the

AMANDA: (Defensive.) We have good reasons for what we do.BILL: And the people who live here don’t?AMANDA: What possible reason could someone have for wearing an

inner tube and peering through a magnifying glass all the time?BILL: Maddie Luftka has very poor eyesight. She wears the inner

tube to keep from bumping into things, while the magnifying glass helps her to see. She can’t afford glasses.

AMANDA: (Stunned.) Oh… uh… I see.MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS LEFT “with Pretzel.” The leash has a

blue ribbon with a gold medal hanging from it. Excited.) Do excuse us for interrupting, but we just had to share our news. Pretzel won the dog competition today! (Beams.)

BILL: That’s great news, Northrop! (MR. PENGULLY crosses to EXIT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Just before MR. PENGULLY exits, AMANDA calls out to him. Suspicious.) Mr. Pengully, exactly which category did he win?

MR. PENGULLY: Why, the most innovative! While all the other dogs simply crawled through the eight-foot tunnel, Pretzel chose his own way. He climbed onto the roof of the tunnel and walked along the top of it! (Shakes his head.) Such a clever dog! (To Pretzel.) Let’s go and get you some treats, shall we? (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Stares after MR. PENGULLY for a moment and turns to BILL.) Well then, how do you explain the imaginary dog?

BILL: Did it ever occur to you that losing Pretzel caused Mr. Pengully so much sadness that in order to cope with his loneliness and loss, he imagines his dog is still with him?

AMANDA: No, I guess not. (Pauses.) You know, Maddie spoke to me today as if she believed Pretzel was real. Are her eyes so poor that she doesn’t see the truth?

BILL: She sees the truth better than you do.AMANDA: What do you mean?BILL: While she may have poor vision, her heart’s not blind. She

accepts Mr. Pengully, and the others, for who they are, foibles and all.

AMANDA: What about Miss Glump?GLADYS: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing sunglasses and a scarf tied over

her hair. She carries a huge pile of mail, dropping pieces as she goes.) Did I hear my name? Just a few more letters from my fan cub! (Fans herself with a letter, kisses it and gushes.) Such loyal and doting fans! (Crosses and EXITS RIGHT.)

RIGHT into the empty lobby. He glances around as if looking for someone, checks his watch, shrugs impatiently and then EXITS RIGHT. After a beat, EUNICE and ERVIN ENTER LEFT. EUNICE carries an umbrella, which she mimes shaking the rain off of then tucking it under her arm in the exact same manner as GERTRUDE and BERTHA in ACT ONE, Scene Two. ERVIN wears a trench coat and carries a binder and a pen.)

EUNICE: Where did all of these plants come from? I didn’t authorize this. And where did all of those trees and plants come from next door? They’re huge! It’s like a rainforest over there. The last time I sent someone to inspect this building, that lot was filled with nothing but mud. Ervin, when was the last building inspection?

ERVIN: (Flips pages in his binder.) Let me see… that was six months ago.

EUNICE: Six months ago? That’s impossible… improbable… impalpable for that much growth to take place in six months.

ERVIN: You know how much I hate to agree with you, Eunice, but you’re right.

EUNICE: This whole place is a jungle, inside and out. It’s high time that it was torn down! (Looks at her watch.) Now, where is that building manager of mine? Ervin, you did arrange for him to meet us here in the lobby, didn’t you?

ERVIN: Of course, Eunice. I even told him a time 15 minutes earlier than you stated, since I know how much you hate to be kept waiting.

EUNICE: Then where is he? Such tardiness is tacky and tasteless! (Looks at her watch again.) It looks like he’s not coming. He probably quit when he got my letter. Well, I’m not waiting any longer for him. Ervin, go and make sure that all of the tenants are making arrangements to move out.

ERVIN: Yes, Eunice. (Turns to EXIT RIGHT.)EUNICE: And make sure everything is in place for when the

developer, Mr. D. Molish, arrives.ERVIN: Yes, Eunice. (Tries to leave again.)EUNICE: And Ervin, phone the developer again to ensure he’ll be on

time for our meeting. I’m going to wait in the car.ERVIN: (Exasperated.) Yes, Eunice! (EXITS RIGHT. EUNICE EXITS

LEFT. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN ENTER LEFT, remove their raincoats, and hang them up on the coat rack.)

PETER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, excuse me, Gertrude.EUNICE’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Haughty.) My name’s not

Gertrude!

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One:Notebook, Amanda’s journal (UNCLE BRAIN)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO, Scene Two: Several potted plants and potted trees. An envelope with a letter inside remains hidden under the couch.

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Two:Potted plant (BILL)Fashion magazine, pressed face powder in a makeup

compact, feather boa, videocassette, file folder (GLADYS)Dark raincoat, lab goggles, test tubes, pencil, newspaper, lab

goggles (PETER)Raincoat (AMANDA, UNCLE BRAIN)Dark raincoat identical to Peter’s (CHESTER)Umbrella (EUNICE)Binder with paper in it, pen (ERVIN VICTION)Hat, coat, briefcase (D. MOLISH)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO, Scene Four: Walkie-talkie on couchBROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Four:

Journal, pen, blueprints (AMANDA)A magazine clearly showing the title “Thyme” (UNCLE BRAIN)Newspaper with the headline “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers

Super Soil!” (PETER)Shopping bags, “flamboyant, ugly” fabric (GERTRUDE)Shopping bags, “flamboyant, ugly” wallpaper (BERTHA)Shopping bags (EUNICE)Store parcels, packages, shopping bags (ERVIN)Glasses, a newspaper (MADAM LUFTKA)Pretzel’s leash, stuffed (or real) dog at the end of another leash to

represent Peanut, umbrella (MR. PENGULLY)Suitcase (BILL)Walkie-talkie (CHESTER)Several containers of “Gladys Glump” products (GLADYS)

SOUND EFFECTSSound of a garbled voice coming through a walkie-talkie.

COSTUMESAMANDA McGOWAN: Casual dress (jeans, T-shirt, running shoes or

sandals and a wrist watch). She wears a brightly colored raincoat and rubber boots for ACT ONE, Scene Five and ACT TWO, Scene Two.

UNCLE BRAIN: Neatly dressed in pants, shirt and tie, worn under a buttoned, white lab coat; dark framed glasses for a “brainy” look.

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AUDIENCE and picks up a box. He has a large, dark, round stain on the back of his lab coat. EXITS RIGHT. AMANDA peers at him, frowning. She picks up an empty soda can from the spot on the couch where he had been sitting and stares at it, then covers her mouth with her hand to stifle a giggle. Smiling to herself, she picks up some of the Styrofoam pieces. She reaches to pick up pieces from behind some boxes, obstructing her from the AUDIENCE.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS LEFT and pauses just inside the entrance. He carries an open umbrella and walks Pretzel, an imaginary dog represented by a stiffened leash with an open, empty collar to resemble a dog being walked. To Pretzel.) There now, Pretzel, did you enjoy your walk? It’s a tad nippy out there, isn’t it? (Mimes shaking the rain off his umbrella, then folds it up and tucks it under his arm.) I wish that this dratted rain would stop. We could certainly use a little sunshine in our lives. (Notices the boxes for the first time.) Oh, look! Someone is moving in! What a lovely surprise! (AMANDA peers from behind the boxes. She stares in disbelief first at the empty leash, then at MR. PENGULLY and back at the leash again.) What shall we have for dinner tonight? Does steak and kidney pie sound scrumptious to you? (Pauses.) Jolly good, then, I… (AMANDA stands up slowly. He sees her.) …oh, hello. I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.

AMANDA: (Slips out cautiously from behind the boxes, tongue-tied, eyes glued to the leash.) Uh, yeah, I was… uh… I was picking up these things. (Holds out some Styrofoam pieces. Drops a few on the ground.)

MR. PENGULLY: I see. No, no, Pretzel! (Tugs on the leash.) Those are not edible. I’ll get you some doggie treats when we get up to our apartment. (To AMANDA.) I need to keep my eye on him. He’ll eat anything, you know.

AMANDA: (Eyes him suspiciously.) Uh-huh… hmmmm. I see, so that’s your dog?

MR. PENGULLY: Why, yes. This is Pretzel! You’re frightened of him, is that it? You really don’t need to be. Pretzel’s a harmless, old dog. Go on… you can pet him if you like.

AMANDA: (Backs away.) No, that’s all right.MR. PENGULLY: Oh, go on, he likes you, I can tell.AMANDA: (Moves closer and bends down awkwardly to pat the

imaginary dog on the head.) Nice doggie.MR. PENGULLY: (Suddenly raises the leash as if the dog has jumped

on AMANDA. She jumps back in surprise.) No! No! Pretzel, down! We don’t jump on people! (Pulls the leash down to dog height

AMANDA: (Incredulous.) She has a fan club?BILL: No.AMANDA: Then where do all those letters come from?BILL: She sends them to herself. I’ve seen her mail them every week.

She spends a lot of money on postage. Someone who does that must be pretty lonely, don’t you think?

AMANDA: Yeah, I guess so. (Glances at her watch again.) Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about, Mr. Bunion, but I really—

BILL: While you’re thinking, let’s get rid of that mud before it cakes and falls on my clean floor. (Kneels on one knee next to AMANDA, clutches a piece of her coat and aims the spray bottle at it.)

CHESTER: (Rushes from behind the couch with a spray bottle.) Stop, don’t shoot! (To AMANDA.) Have no fear, I will protect you! (Sprays BILL with water.)

BILL: No, Chester, I’m just cleaning her coat. (Annoyed.) Chester! (Runs OFF LEFT, followed by CHESTER, who continues to spray him with water.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (ENTERS RIGHT. Amused.) Well, aren’t you a sight! You know, earth brown is definitely your color!

AMANDA: (Makes a face at him.) Thanks. (Picks up her rubber boots and turns to EXIT RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Examines the couch carefully, pats it and gingerly sits on it. Writes in his notepad. Speaks these lines imitating Gertrude and Bertha, but not mocking them.) Wait, Amanda. (AMANDA stops.) While you’ve been frolicking in the mud, I’ve been fraternizing with friendly folks, finding out fascinating features and facts.

AMANDA: You know, Uncle Brain, I really have to get upstairs and uh… (Stalls to think of an excuse.) …change my clothes.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Briefly looks up from his notes.) Going somewhere, are you? (Returns to his writing. AMANDA gives him a sharp look as if to say “How would you know?”) Curiously enough, Gertrude and Bertha have a triplet who was separated from them at birth. They’ve devoted their entire lives to searching for her.

AMANDA: (Disinterested.) Really? I didn’t know they were even speaking to us.

UNCLE BRAIN: Oh, they’ll talk… to anyone who will listen. (Rubs his ear.) They nearly talked my ear off. (Stops writing in his notebook and looks up at AMANDA.) People make such fascinating subjects for scientific study.

AMANDA: (Out of breath.) Dad! Dad, some surveyors have just arrived! They’re out in your garden and your mud— (Pauses.) Hey, Dad. You’re wearing your raincoat!

PETER: (Looks intently at AMANDA.) Well, yes. I unpacked the last box, and there it was… so, you were saying?

AMANDA: (Notices CHESTER. Distracted.) They’re… uh… setting up their equipment… uh… right in… (CHESTER gives AMANDA a smug, “I told you so” look, then EXITS LEFT.) …in the middle of your experimental puddle of… (Gapes at the LEFT EXIT.) …super soil.

PETER: (Anxious. Turns to UNCLE BRAIN.) What’s this about, Brain?

UNCLE BRAIN: When I inquired as to what was going on, I was informed that the land had been sold and a new development was underway. The foreman said that the developer was scheduled to arrive shortly and that he would not welcome trespassers on his private property.

PETER: Oh, dear, this could ruin everything! I must go and… (Starts to EXIT LEFT.)

GLADYS: (Glances up from her magazine.) Oh, didn’t Mr. Bunion tell you?

PETER: Tell us what, Gladys?GLADYS: (Speaks in a nonchalant manner.) That this building has

also been sold. Distinctive Manor is scheduled to be demolished next week. (Beams.) They’re going to build a new film studio! Isn’t that grand?

PETER: What?! That’s unheard of… one week!GLADYS: He didn’t tell you then. Typical, never a thought for others.

(Rises regally from the couch.) I’ve got to go and pack my things. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT. Calls out as she leaves.) Make sure you get me some of that mud before those surveyors stomp all over it! (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: Dad, what are we going to do? The surveyors will ruin your experimental super soil, and all of these people will lose their homes. We need to do something! (PETER looks pensive.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Amanda, I thought you believed that these people were, how did you put it, “a bit odd”? Now you’re crusading for their homes?

AMANDA: I guess you could say they’ve grown on me.PETER: Listen, don’t worry about a thing. I have a plan that just might

work. Let’s go out and speak with those surveyors. (He, UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA EXIT LEFT. After a beat, BILL ENTERS

PRODUCTION NOTESPROPERTIES

ONSTAGE: Coat rack, couch with mismatched (or missing) cushions, chair and/or coffee table or side table.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One:Journal with “PRIVATE!” written on the cover, a pen (AMANDA)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Two: Several moving boxes (some filled with Styrofoam packing pieces), a few suitcases, an empty soda can.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two:Science magazine (UNCLE BRAIN)Miner’s headlamp, two boxes, motorcycle helmet, swimming

goggles, yellow rubber gloves, plastic garbage bag (worn as a coat), fast food take-out bag (PETER)

Umbrella, a stiffened dog leash with an empty collar, handkerchief (MR. PENGULLY)

Magnifying glass (MADAM LUFTKA)Raincoat (CHESTER)Shopping bags, umbrellas (GERTRUDE, BERTHA)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Three: Desk, chair, wastepaper basket, typewriter or laptop computer, paper, pen, envelope.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Four:Large backpack, wallet with money in it, journal, pen (AMANDA)Rubber boots (UNCLE BRAIN)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Five: Stryofoam packing pieces (placed under the couch cushions as well as on the floor, under the couch), spray bottle filled with water (hidden behind the couch).

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Five:Sealed envelope, clipboard with a piece of paper and pen

attached to it (ERVIN)Raincoat, rubber boots covered in mud (AMANDA)Broom, dustpan, newspaper, spray bottle filled with water, rag

(BILL)Pretzel’s leash with a gold medal and blue ribbon attached to it,

coat, very long list (MR. PENGULLY)Sunglasses, scarf, handful of sealed, stamped envelopes

(GLADYS)Notepad, pen (UNCLE BRAIN)Raincoat, two spray bottles (CHESTER)Muddy plastic bag (worn as a raincoat), muddy boots, mud-

splattered goggles, rain hat, gloves, jar of mud (PETER)

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again and speaks to AMANDA.) Oh, I’m terribly sorry! He’s just excited to meet someone new. (Leans forward to stare at the front of AMANDA’S pants.) Uh-oh! (Looks up at AMANDA.) I’m sorry about that, too! (Points to AMANDA’S knees.)

AMANDA: (Baffled.) About what? (Glances down at the front of her pants and then stares back at MR. PENGULLY.)

MR. PENGULLY: What can I… let’s see here. (Pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and uses it to dab at AMANDA’S knees.)

AMANDA: (Aghast.) What are you doing?MR. PENGULLY: (Stops dabbing at AMANDA’S knees, clasps the

handkerchief in both hands, hunches slightly, awkwardly tilting his head to one side.) Oh, dear! Pretzel has managed to get some muddy paw prints on your pants.

AMANDA: (Stares down at her pants again.) I don’t see any paw prints.

MR. PENGULLY: (Leans forward and points at AMANDA’S knees.) They’re right—

AMANDA: (Interrupts, signals him to stop.) You know, it’s all right, really! Don’t worry about it.

MR. PENGULLY: (Straightens up.) Well, we must go and prepare our dinner. We have rather rumbly tummies, you know. (Pats his stomach.) It’s nice to have met you, my dear. Oh, I beg your pardon. We haven’t really met, have we? I don’t know your name.

AMANDA: It’s Amanda. Amanda McGowan.MR. PENGULLY: Mine’s Pengully. Northrop Pengully. And you’ve

already met Pretzel. It’s a real pleasure to meet you! (Turns to leave and calls over his shoulder.) Welcome to your new home, Amanda McGowan! (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: Uh… thanks. (Places her palm to her forehead.) How strange can you get? What has Dad gotten us into now? (Shakes her head.) I am definitely not staying here!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Pokes his head OUT, then ENTERS RIGHT. He wears a clean lab coat.) Amanda, do you plan to stand around musing all day, or do you think you could carry up a few boxes?

AMANDA: Uncle Brain, you will never believe what I just saw!UNCLE BRAIN: I am always prepared to suspend disbelief…AMANDA: (Pauses to give him a strange look.) I just met a guy

who—MADAM LUFTKA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Sings operatic

scales.) La la la la la la la. (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN both glance in the direction of MADAM LUFTKA’S voice.)

AMANDA: (Anxious.) Well, don’t let me keep you from your observations, Uncle. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT but stops as MR. PENGULLY ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.”)

MR. PENGULLY: Oh, Amanda, my dear, you’re still here… good! I have a small favor to ask of you.

AMANDA: Mr. Pengully, I really can’t. I have to—MR. PENGULLY: It will only take a short time. You see, I must get to

the shops before they close. I’ve run out of doggie treats and a few other items. Now, where’s my list? (Fumbles in his coat pocket and pulls out a very long list.) Ah, here it is! Anyway, I would like you to watch Pretzel for me while I’m out.

AMANDA: Well, actually, I—MR. PENGULLY: (Continues as if he hasn’t heard her.) The

shopkeepers don’t allow pets, and I hate to leave poor Pretzel tied up outside in this miserable rain. He gets lonely being by himself in the apartment, and he scratches the furniture. He’s taken such a liking to you that I know he’ll be perfectly happy. Thank you, dear! (Hurriedly hands AMANDA Pretzel’s leash and EXITS LEFT.)

AMANDA: But, I… (Stares after him as he leaves, then sits down on the arm of the couch and looks at her watch.) …this is so frustrating! (Gesticulates with the leash in her hand, waving it in the air.) I have important things to do too!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Watches her wave the leash around, following its motion with his head.) Uh… Amanda, poor Pretzel’s getting a little dizzy, don’t you think?

AMANDA: (Stops and looks up at the leash.) Oh, sorry, Pretzel! (Gently directs the leash back toward the ground and sighs.) Can I leave him with you, Uncle Brain? I’m sure he’d be okay with you.

UNCLE BRAIN: Now that won’t do, will it, Amanda? Can you imagine how betrayed Mr. Pengully would feel if he discovered that you had abandoned Pretzel?

AMANDA: I guess you’re right. I suppose I’m stuck here for the time being. (Stares at the ceiling. Quietly, to herself.) There’s always the next bus.

UNCLE BRAIN: What did you say?AMANDA: Oh, nothing! (Takes off her coat, lays it across her

knees and attempts to change the subject.) Uncle Brain, I was wondering, how did you get such a, well… interesting name?

UNCLE BRAIN: My parents—your grandparents—had intended to name me Brian, but when my birth certificate arrived, they

GLADYS: (Interrupts him. Impatient.) That’s nice. Do you think I could have some more of it? It did wonders for my pores.

PETER: Well, I don’t see why not—GLADYS: Good, please just leave some outside my door… it’s the

one with the star on it.PETER: (Starts to EXIT LEFT, hesitates and turns back.) Gladys…GLADYS: Yes. (Disinterested. Stares at her magazine.)PETER: Don’t you remember me?GLADYS: (Looks up, mildly startled.) Remember you? From where?PETER: From high school.GLADYS: High school? (Makes a dismissive gesture with her hand.)

That was another life.PETER: Maybe this will help. (Lowers the goggles over his eyes,

slicks back his hair and slides a pencil behind his ear.)GLADYS: (Peers curiously at him over her magazine, then drops it

suddenly.) Wait a minute. Yes, I do remember you now. You were that kid who always hung out in the science lab. Didn’t you blow up something in there once?

PETER: (Proud.) Yes, that was me. So you do remember me? (Puts his lab goggles back on top of his head.)

GLADYS: (Yawns.) Vaguely. (Returns to her magazine.) I see that you haven’t changed.

PETER: And so you’ve become an… (Hesitates.) …actress?GLADYS: (Brightens.) Of course, haven’t you seen any of my films?PETER: (Polite.) I’m not sure. Can you name some of them for me?GLADYS: Well, let me see, there have been so many. My first one

was “One Flew Over the Loony Bird’s Nest.” Then there was “Attack of the Killer Turnips,” followed by “And Then There Were Nuns.”

PETER: I’m sorry, Gladys. I’m afraid I haven’t heard of any of those movies.

GLADYS: How about “Titanic”?PETER: Why, yes! I’ve seen that one. What role did you play?GLADYS: (Proud.) I was a passenger… in the water. Do you

remember me?PETER: I… uh… no, I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t watch it very carefully.

(GLADYS rolls her eyes, mutters a little “Hrrmph” sound and goes back to her magazine. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN ENTER LEFT, each wearing a raincoat. CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT, wearing his dark raincoat. He lurks around UP CENTER.)

BILL: No, Chester… this is silly! (He and CHESTER continue the tug-of-war with the suitcase as they EXIT LEFT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “Then there’s Gladys. We found her up to her neck in mud next door. It turns out that when she headed over there in search of the developer, her heels got stuck in the mud. I guess she proceeded to sink from there. We were able to pull her out, but we never did recover her resumé, portfolio or videocassette. Surprisingly, she wasn’t upset by this loss. She said that being stuck in the mud had given her some time to think, and she had decided on a career change. Just last week, she launched the first of her Gladys Glump skin care products, which feature mud facial masks and body soaks.”

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT with mud on her face, carrying several containers of her products.) Would anyone like to buy some Glump Glamour products? (PETER and UNCLE BRAIN shake their heads. AMANDA hides her face behind her journal.) Well, you simply don’t know what you are missing! (EXITS LEFT in a huff.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Why do I get the feeling that I know where that mud came from?

PETER: Me, too, I guess I’ll have to tighten up on security next door.AMANDA: (Closes her journal and addresses the AUDIENCE.) As

for me, Uncle Brain and Dad… we’re all content to stay put for now. Dad’s happy because his work is next door and Uncle Brain is working as his assistant. Plus… (Picks up a roll of blue prints that are leaning against the couch and unrolls it.) …it looks like I’m going to get that swimming pool, hot tub and theatre after all. I’ve just had a sneak preview of the plans for the all-new Distinctive Manor!

END OF PLAY

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AMANDA: (Continues.) —a guy who walks an—MADAM LUFTKA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Sings louder.) La la

la la la la la.AMANDA: (Shouts over MADAM LUFTKA’S voice.) —who walks an

imaginary dog!UNCLE BRAIN: (Ignores AMANDA and stares with interest as

MADAM LUFTKA ENTERS LEFT.) Now, who is this, I wonder?MADAM LUFTKA: (Wears a cape and holds a magnifying glass in

front of her eyes. Removes her cape, draping it over one arm, to reveal an inner tube around her waist. Typical of how she always speaks, she sings the following lines in an operatic fashion, like someone playing scales on a piano.) Me me me me me me me, me me me me me me me, me me me me me… oh, my— (Stops and peers closely at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN through the magnifying glass. Speaks with a strong foreign accent.) Hello, zere, are you my new neighbors?

AMANDA: (Softly to herself.) Oh, I hope not.UNCLE BRAIN: (Raises his eyebrows at AMANDA. Steps forward

and extends his hand.) We are. I’m Brain McGowan, and this… (Gives AMANDA a little shove forward.) …is my niece, Amanda.

MADAM LUFTKA: My my my my my my my… how lovely it is to meet vit you. (Curtsies.) I do hope you vill stay a vile. Ze last people did not stay long.

AMANDA: (Under her breath, sarcastic.) I wonder why.MADAM LUFTKA: I am Madam Luftka, but you may call me Maddie,

short for Madeleine.UNCLE BRAIN: Are you an opera singer, Maddie?MADAM LUFTKA: Vell, I am flattered that you vould ask, sir, but no.

I do zese singing varm ups so zat my voice remains limber. You see, I need a strong voice to frighten off ze dozens of cats zat gather at night in ze vacant lot next door. (Looks at UNCLE BRAIN intensely.) Zey fight constantly outside my vindow.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Responds politely, with interest.) Cat fights… at night? How do you manage any sleep?

MADAM LUFTKA: It is much better now. I just hit ze high note… (Sings an ear-piercing note. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN cringe.) …and zey all scram, just like zat!

UNCLE BRAIN: Yes, I can see how that would be effective.AMANDA: (In a saccharine tone.) You should just send Pretzel out to

chase away all those cats.

noticed that someone had misspelled it. They kept it that way, deciding that fate had dictated that I would become the brains of the family.

AMANDA: (Somewhat delicately.) And did it turn out that way?UNCLE BRAIN: No, not at all. Your father turned out to be, by far,

the true brains of the family. (CHESTER ENTERS LEFT, wearing his raincoat with the hood up. He looks triumphant and pleased with himself. He moves furtively along the back wall, but he is not as wary as usual. He holds two spray bottles in his hands as if they are guns and blows on the ends of each of them as if he is blowing away smoke. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN regard CHESTER with curiosity. He tips his hood at AMANDA and then slinks behind the couch.)

AMANDA: (Turns to face UNCLE BRAIN, puzzled.) You know, this has just occurred to me… is Dad as… unusual as the people who live here at Distinctive Manor?

UNCLE BRAIN: Do you mean unusual as in rare, beyond the ordinary… or unusual as in odd or peculiar?

AMANDA: (Contemplative.) I mean unusual as in… (Pauses and glances in the direction of the couch where CHESTER disappeared.) …well, both rare and peculiar, I guess.

UNCLE BRAIN: Your father’s unique. He does his own thing. I’ve always admired him for that. Someday he’s going to discover something really great.

AMANDA: You think so?UNCLE BRAIN: I know it.PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, excitedly, carrying a jar of mud. He wears

muddy boots, a muddy plastic bag as a raincoat, mud-splattered goggles, a rain hat and gloves.) Eureka! Eureka! (Pauses to catch his breath.) I’ve made the ultimate discovery! Super soil! (UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA glance at each other in amazement.)

BERTHA: (ENTERS RIGHT with GERTRUDE.) Oh, dear, such a disgraceful, dreadful display! (Points accusingly at PETER.) Frolicking frivolously and foolishly around in mud puddles!

GERTRUDE: Shamefully soiling and saturating our lobby with sedimentary substances.

BERTHA: (Notices the jar of mud for the first time.) And… sneaking the soiled substances inside. (Grabs the jar from PETER.) I’ll dispose of that! (Turns to EXIT LEFT with the jar of mud. GLADYS ENTERS RIGHT and quickly crosses LEFT.)

PETER: No! No! You don’t understand! Wait!

powder her nose, then picks up her fashion magazine and reads it. ALL except GLADYS turn to leave.)

GERTRUDE: (Hisses at GLADYS.) Selfish!BERTHA: Self-centered!GERTRUDE: Self-indulged. Come along, Bertha! Let’s go pack. (She

and BERTHA EXIT RIGHT.)MADAM LUFTKA: (As she EXITS RIGHT.) Vell, at least I can say

good riddance to ze cats next door! Although, I have no idea vhere I vill go—

BILL: No, wait, folks, don’t start packing yet. Maddie, thanks for finding this letter. (Referring to letter.) Apparently, there’s even to be a meeting here this afternoon with the developer. This is distressing news, but there might be something we can do. (Holds onto MR. PENGULLY’S arm to detain him.) What do you think, Northrup?

MR. PENGULLY: What do I think? I think that I need to find myself and Pretzel a new home. (Leans down to pat and talk soothingly to Pretzel, then straightens up again.) And… I think that you need to start looking for a new job. There’s nothing you can do if the owner has already agreed to sell to a developer. The letter was quite clear on that point. Please excuse me, Bill. I have to go and read through the rental ads. Come along, Pretzel. (EXITS RIGHT.)

BILL: (To himself. Depressed.) It’s no use. Even if I update my resume, having “Manager of Distinctive Manor” written as my work experience won’t impress anyone. (Sighs.) I guess I should go and pack, too. (EXITS RIGHT. CHESTER, who is still behind the couch, with head and shoulders showing, begins to sob into the back of the couch.)

GLADYS: (Glares at CHESTER. Annoyed.) Do you mind? (CHESTER lets out another sob, gives her a hurt look, then gets up and EXITS RIGHT.)

PETER: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying empty test tubes and wearing lab goggles on his head and a dark raincoat identical to CHESTER’S. He gives CHESTER a concerned backwards glance. Crosses to the couch.) Hello, Gladys.

GLADYS: You’re just the person I wish to speak with.PETER: (Stops. Taken aback.) I am?GLADYS: Do you have any more of that mud?PETER: Why, yes, of course. I’ve just produced a large, new sample

of it. I didn’t realize that you were interested in my study. (Excited to share his news.) Did you know that just yesterday I presented my results to a group of respected scientists at the university and—

out more about this man who hides behind furniture and fears the unknown “Them.” He discovered that a Mr. Chester Field had wandered away from a retirement home for spies. Chester was quite distraught when he discovered that my uncle had determined his true identity. However, when Dad offered him a job as chief of security for his super soil experimental field, Chester was thrilled.” (SOUND EFFECT: A GARBLED VOICE COMING THROUGH A WALKIE-TALKIE.)

PETER: (Sets aside his newspaper and picks up the walkie-talkie from the couch near where he is sitting. Responds to the call.) Yes, Chester. Go ahead. (Pauses to listen as the unintelligible VOICE ON THE WALKIE-TALKIE CONTINUES.) Yes… mm-hmm… yes, I see. I agree. We’ll have to do something about those cats! What’s that? You’ve discovered who their leader is? That’s great. Thanks, Chester! Keep up the great work! Over and out. (Sets down the walkie-talkie.)

AMANDA: (Still reads as she writes.) “At Ervin’s insistence, Eunice gave Bill Bunion a substantial raise since he hadn’t received one in over 20 years. Ervin also insisted that Bill take a nice, long vacation to make up for the fact that he had never had one.”

BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a suitcase and wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and sandals.) I’m off! I trust that everything will be taken care of in my absence. (CHESTER ENTERS LEFT, wearing a security uniform with a walkie-talkie attached to the belt. Walks tall and proud.)

PETER: Don’t worry about a thing, Bill.BILL: (Places suitcase on the floor and shakes PETER’S hand.)

Thanks so much for everything!PETER: Please, don’t mention it. And have a great vacation!BILL: (Picks up his suitcase and attempts to EXIT LEFT. CHESTER

stands directly in his path. Annoyed.) Chester, excuse me, I have a plane to catch.

CHESTER: (Grabs a hold of BILL’S suitcase.) Not before I search your bag.

BILL: (Exasperated.) What? Chester, this is not necessary. (They start a tug-of-war over the suitcase.)

CHESTER: I’m chief of security—BILL: Yes… for the mud puddle next door.CHESTER: Has anyone unknown to you handled this suitcase?BILL: No, no one!CHESTER: Have you left this case unattended at any time?

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MADAM LUFTKA: Oh, so you have met Pretzel already? I am afraid zat he vould not be very effective. He is rather sedentary, you know. He vould not harm a flea, and his bark is much vorse zen his bite… if you know vat I say. Anyvays, I hate to be seeming rude, but I really must scurry. I have left my supper in ze oven. Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta. (Awkwardly bumps into both sides of the door frame as she EXITS RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Who is Pretzel?AMANDA: That’s what I was trying to tell you. He ‘s an imaginary

dog! He belongs to a man named Northrop Pengully.UNCLE BRAIN: Ah, I see, an imaginary dog… the best kind. Man’s

best friend without the barking, the fleas, the mess—AMANDA: No, seriously, Uncle Brain. Just wait until you meet them.

He even insisted that I pet the dog. And now there’s this Madam Loofa, or whatever her name is. Why do you think she uses that magnifying glass? And what’s with the inner tube around her waist?

UNCLE BRAIN: (With a perplexed look.) Is wearing an inner tube unusual? I didn’t know. It might be the latest fashion. It’s so hard to keep up with these things—

AMANDA: (Exasperated.) Really, Uncle Brain!PETER: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a motorcycle helmet, swimming

goggles, yellow rubber gloves and a plastic garbage bag as a raincoat.) Well, I’m off to pick up some take-out for dinner. Anyone want to come along for the ride?

UNCLE BRAIN: I think I’ll decline at this time, Peter.AMANDA: No, thanks! Uh… Dad, wait. (Stares at PETER.) Where’s

the new raincoat I bought you for Christmas?PETER: It must still be packed. I couldn’t find it anywhere. (Glances

down at his plastic bag.) But that’s okay, this will do for now. (AMANDA grimaces and rolls her eyes, but says nothing. PETER EXITS LEFT.)

PETER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, pardon me, I didn’t see you there. Are you all right?

CHESTER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT, speaks in staccato.) Fine, fine, just fine.

CHESTER: (ENTERS LEFT, backwards, wearing a dark, hooded raincoat with the hood pulled over his head. He moves in a furtive, stealthy manner, as if he is looking for something and afraid of being caught at the same time. Still backwards, he heads UP RIGHT behind the couch. He circles the couch, facing backwards.

GLADYS: Bertha, I see that you have found my mud mask solution. I have been searching everywhere for it. Hand it over! (Grabs the jar from BERTHA.)

PETER: (Grabs GLADYS’S arm as she is about to EXIT RIGHT.) No, ma’am, please. (GLADYS turns to glare at him. He stops in his tracks, stunned.) Gladys? Gladys Glump? (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN exchange a surprised look.)

GLADYS: Yes, the one and only. Kindly unhand me, sir. Autographs only between 11 and 11:30 a.m. (Removes his hand from her arm and EXITS RIGHT.)

PETER: (About to follow her.) Gladys, wait! About that mud—BILL: (ENTERS LEFT. Soaked from head to foot. Looks absolutely

dismayed by the mud on PETER’S boots. Crosses to stand near couch CENTER.) Mr. McGowan, sir, stop right there! I just finished cleaning up this lobby, and you are the second person to come tromping through here with muddy boots on! Please, please step outside! (PETER, UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA “with Pretzel” EXIT LEFT. BILL shakes the rain from his clothes, in the process knocking the envelope out of his pocket. It falls near the couch, unnoticed. He EXITS RIGHT. CHESTER appears from behind the couch, looking RIGHT to make sure BILL is gone. Unnoticed by BERTHA and GERTRUDE, he stealthily hides the envelope under the couch then furtively EXITS RIGHT.)

GERTRUDE: (She and BERTHA are now alone. They sit down next to each other on the couch, prim and proper, hands folded on their laps. Every move they make is exactly the same, i.e., they cross their legs in the same direction at the same time.) Well, really! Such behavior baffles my brain.

BERTHA: Befuddling!GERTRUDE: Boggling!BERTHA: Bewildering! (Pauses.) I wonder where Mr. Bunion

unearthed such unusual tenants? (Pauses again and then laughs out loud when she realizes she just uttered a pun.) Do you get it?

GERTRUDE: (Gives BERTHA a sideways glance for a moment before speaking.) Ah, yes, unearthed… dug up… found… mud, yes, I get it. Bertha, you are such a twit.

BERTHA: (Taken aback.) Twit? You mean wit? I’m such a wit!GERTRUDE: Yes, yes of course. I meant wit. You’re a wit.BERTHA: (Beams from the compliment. Both sit there quietly for

a moment. Gradually notices GERTRUDE’S shoes and sidles closer to her.) You know, those are really nice shoes, Gertrude.

BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, whistling cheerfully. Surprised by the crowd in the lobby.) Oh, hello, everyone!

BERTHA: (Moves towards BILL and points at him accusingly.) You… you treacherous, tricky traitor!

GERTRUDE: (Also moves towards BILL. Wags her finger menacingly.) Treasonous, truth-hiding turncoat!

BILL: (Shocked and confused.) Traitor? Turncoat? What are you talking about?

MR. PENGULLY: Mr. Bunion, allow me to explain, if you will. Maddie, here, stumbled upon a piece of your mail. Not realizing what it was or who it belonged to, she asked me to help her read it. (Holds out letter to BILL.) I’m sure you understand our concerns regarding its contents.

BILL: (Takes the letter without glancing at it.) No. (ALL except GLADYS look at him, shocked, then BILL realizes how his statement sounds.) I mean, no, I haven’t even had a chance to read this letter. In fact, I forgot all about it ’til just now. It was delivered weeks ago, but I guess I lost it before I ever read it.

MADAM LUFTKA: (Impatient.) Read it now, Bill.BILL: (Reads letter quickly. Shock registers on his face.) This building

is to be demolished… next week?ALL: (Except GLADYS.) Next week?!GLADYS: Is there an echo in here? (CHESTER makes a terrified

face and gasps, then flees behind the couch.)BILL: Unbelievable. Why?! This is completely unreasonable! I don’t

understand. I know the building is old and rundown, but I never expected this. This is so sudden.

GLADYS: (Unfazed by the news, she examines her nails and sits on the couch.) Well, William, I guess this lets you off the hook regarding those renovations you promised me. Now you can help me pack my clothes and move all of my things. I’ll find a new place, nearby… such a dream to be within walking distance of a film studio!

MADAM LUFTKA: Gladys, could you not be a little more sensitive? Has it not occurred to you how zis news affects everyvon else here? Zis has been our home for many years. How vill any of us afford a new place? (GLADYS shrugs indifferently.)

MR. PENGULLY: Gladys, do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?

GLADYS: (Looks at MR. PENGULLY as if this thought has never occurred to her.) No. (Takes out a makeup compact and begins to

GERTRUDE: (Pulls some flamboyant, ugly fabric from her bag and holds it up against the section of the couch between PETER and UNCLE BRAIN.) What do you think? I thought it would be perfect for reupholstering and refurbishing this ruined, rotten couch. (BERTHA and EUNICE nod in agreement and utter approval while PETER and UNCLE BRAIN glance at the material and give each other a pained look, then return to their reading.)

BERTHA: (Pulls out some similarly flamboyant, ugly wallpaper to show her sisters.) Look at what I found in the best bargains bin at Bargain Basement… what a steal! Isn’t it lovely, luscious wallpaper for the lobby?

GERTRUDE: Oh, yes! It will match marvelously with my material for the couch.

PETER: (Hesitates and looks at UNCLE BRAIN then EUNICE.) You know, Eunice, with the sum of money that I invested, you could hire several interior designers and buy all new furnishings.

EUNICE: Yes, Mr. McGowan, I realize that. But, it’s much more fun to do it this way! Come along, girls. Oh, and Ervin, you, too. We have carpet sale samples to select! (EXITS RIGHT with BERTHA and GERTRUDE. ERVIN, loaded down with packages, struggles to follow them.)

AMANDA: (Continues) “For all of her help pulling weeds next door, Dad designed some special glasses for Maddie Luftka. She no longer needs to wear an inner tube or use a magnifying glass to see. Since she can now read music, she has even joined her church choir.”

MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS LEFT. Holds a newspaper.) Hallelujah, hallelujah! Oh, how lovely it is to see properly! I can read ze paper now! (Stops to speak to PETER.) Did you know zat your name is in every newspaper zat I have picked up zis veek? (PETER nods modestly.) My my my my my my my. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “After we convinced Eunice to bend her rules about pets in the building, we bought Mr. Pengully a brand new dog. We thought that this new pet could replace Pretzel, but Mr. Pengully had different ideas about this…”

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT with two leashes, one empty to represent Pretzel and a new leash with a real or stuffed dog, Peanut.) Come along for your walk, Pretzel. You too, Peanut! I am so glad that the weather has finally cleared up. There’s nothing like the warmth of sunshine following weeks of rain! Besides, it’s difficult holding onto an umbrella when I have two leashes! (EXITS LEFT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “As for Chester… well… Uncle Brain’s scientific curiosity prompted him to do a bit of research to find

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When he finally faces forward, he acts terrorized to see UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA staring at him.) Ahhhhhhhh! Are you… (Whips his head around furtively.) …one of “Them”?

UNCLE BRAIN: Pardon me? No, I believe you would say that I’m one of “Us.” (Indicates himself and then AMANDA.)

CHESTER: (Relaxes.) Ah, such a relief. I couldn’t bear it if one of “Them” moved in here. (Conspiratorial.) “They” are everywhere, you know.

AMANDA: (Regards him suspiciously.) That raincoat looks really familiar. (Pauses.) Hey, I think that’s my dad’s raincoat!

CHESTER: (Hunches down and turns his face away from AMANDA. Peers at her out of the corner of his eyes.) No, no, no… not possible! It’s mine, I tell you. I… I… I found it.

AMANDA: Found it? Where?CHESTER: In… in a box… outside. (Cowers as he speaks.)AMANDA: Then it is my dad’s raincoat! That was one of our moving

boxes. You need to give—UNCLE BRAIN: (Interrupts AMANDA.) That will do, Amanda. I’m

certain that there are dozens of raincoats out there that look exactly like this one. (CHESTER nods vigorously. He lowers his voice.) Be careful, Amanda, things are not always what they seem. (CHESTER straightens up, relieved.)

AMANDA: (Continues to glare at CHESTER. With an impish grin, she points to herself.) You know, I’m one of “Them.”

UNCLE BRAIN: (Gives her a surprised look. Whispers.) Amanda!CHESTER: Oh… oh… oh, no! (Dives behind the couch.)UNCLE BRAIN: Sir, wait! She didn’t mean what she said. (Eyes

AMANDA steadily as he speaks.) She meant no harm. (Peers over the back of the couch at CHESTER.) Please come out. We’d like to introduce ourselves.

CHESTER: (Slowly inches out from behind the couch. Gives AMANDA a hurt and angry glare. Grips the couch and shakes his finger at AMANDA.) This is not a joking matter, you know.

AMANDA: You’re right, I’m not laughing.UNCLE BRAIN: (Intercedes.) We’re your new neighbors, Mr.… uh… ?CHESTER: (Looks around furtively and whispers, his upstage hand

shielding his mouth.) Mr. Field.UNCLE BRAIN: (Enthusiastically extends his hand to greet

CHESTER .) It’s nice to meet you Mr. Field. I’m—CHESTER: (Places his finger to his lips.) Shhhhh! (Glances around

wildly and waves his hands frantically.) Don’t say my name out loud!

GERTRUDE: Why, thank you, Bertha.BERTHA: Where did you get them?GERTRUDE: (Glances sideways, then stands up angrily.) I am not

telling you!BERTHA: (Stands up.) Why not? (They both move towards the EXIT

RIGHT as their argument heats up.)GERTRUDE: Because you will go out and buy the exact same pair.BERTHA: No, I wouldn’t do that.GERTRUDE: Yes you would!BERTHA: I would not. (Continues argument with GERTRUDE as

both move to EXIT RIGHT. CURTAIN.)End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

SPOTLIGHT UP: Three weeks later in front of the curtain, outside of Distinctive Manor. UNCLE BRAIN saunters back and forth DOWN RIGHT, browsing through his lab notebook. He notices he is also carrying AMANDA’S journal and holds it up.UNCLE BRAIN: What is this? I must have picked it up with my

lab notes by mistake. (Reads.) “Dear Diary, I have the most amazing news! Dad, though unusual, is truly a genius! He has finally made his greatest discovery… dirt! Don’t get me wrong, this is no ordinary dirt. It’s super soil! He claims that his scientific breakthrough will speed plant growth by ten times the normal rate, thereby increasing farming production tenfold. I still don’t understand what all of this means, but I do know he’s pretty excited about it. Actually, everyone in the building is excited. He almost lost his first sample when Gladys seized it, mistaking it for her mud mask solution. But, later, when Dad had a chance to explain what it was, she gave it back, somewhat reluctantly, I might add. Dad has planted a whole garden in the vacant lot next door to demonstrate to everyone his new soil’s effectiveness—”

AMANDA: (Calls from OFF RIGHT.) Uncle Brain? (ENTERS.) Here you are, Uncle Brain. Have you seen my journal?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Looks up from reading her journal.) Why, yes, I believe that I have seen it.

AMANDA: Where?UNCLE BRAIN: It’s right here. (Holds up journal and AMANDA takes

it.) Your cursive writing is quite good, you know, but your spelling

MADAM LUFTKA: (Holds the letter in her fist and shakes it at MR. PENGULLY.) Northrop, vould you please tell me vhat is written in zis letter. Does it affect us?

MR. PENGULLY: (Sad.) Yes, it definitely affects all of us. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA step forward at this news. CHESTER sneaks in close behind all of them.)

GERTRUDE: What’s this disappropriate display? Northrop, I demand that you have the decency to disclose the letter’s details!

MR. PENGULLY: Well, I don’t know… it is Mr. Bunion’s personal letter. (GLADYS ENTERS RIGHT. She lounges in the shadows UP RIGHT and listens to the conversation.)

BERTHA: And you said it affected all of us?CHESTER: (Comes out from his hiding spot and speaks. ALL are

startled.) Tell us, tell us, Northrop.GLADYS: (Leans against the couch next to the OTHERS.) Oh, do

spill the beans, Northrop. I so enjoy reading other people’s mail… the tedious details of their insignificant, little lives. It makes me appreciate the dramatic life that I’ve led. (Sighs. ALL stare at her, aghast. She shrugs off their shocked reaction and responds defensively.) Well, I’ve never read any of your mail, of course!

MR. PENGULLY: (Shakes his head at GLADYS.) Oh, all right. I’ll read it, but only because I believe we’ll hear about it sooner or later. (Takes the letter from MADAM LUFTKA.) The letter basically states that this building is scheduled to be demolished. Its land and the land next door are being sold to a developer who wishes to build a huge, new film studio on the site. The letter is signed by the building’s owner and co-signed by a… I can’t read the name, only the initial E—a Mr. E. Viction. (ALL are shocked except for GLADYS, who claps her hands together and looks heavenward.)

MADAM LUFTKA: Oh, no!GERTRUDE: Unbearable!BERTHA: Unbelievable!GLADYS: A film studio! Such wonderful news! (ALL ignore her.)CHESTER: (Panicked, glances around furtively.) Where… where…

where will we go? This is my… my… our home!MR. PENGULLY: I don’t know, my friends, it seems we’re in a bit of

a bind.GERTRUDE: (Takes the letter from MR. PENGULLY.) What else

does it say? (ALL except GLADYS gather in a semi-circle around the letter. They read silently.)

eavesdrops from behind the couch, a huge grin creeping across his face. EUNICE and ERVIN both stand up and each shakes hands with PETER.)

EUNICE: It’s a deal, Mr. McGowan! (CURTAIN.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

CURTAIN UP: Three months later. AMANDA ENTERS RIGHT and sits cross-legged on the floor DOWN RIGHT. She writes in her journal. UNCLE BRAIN, reading a magazine called “Thyme,” and PETER, reading a newspaper with a headline about himself, sit on the couch. A walkie-talkie lays on the couch near PETER.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, Things

have turned out much better than anyone could have expected. Dad’s super soil has made him an overnight success! His soil has been in huge demand ever since he presented his results at the university. He’s a hero among farmers and gardeners everywhere. He was even voted “Thyme” magazine’s Man of the Year”!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Holds up magazine, showing the title is “Thyme.”) Peter, I can’t get over it… you’re “Thyme’s” Man of the Year!

PETER: (Sets newspaper down that has the headline “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers ‘Super Soil’!” He shyly brushes off his brother’s admiration.) Yes, Brain, but this thyme is spelled t-h-y-m-e.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Picks up discarded newspaper.) You’re on the front page too! Look at this! (Reads.) “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers Super Soil.”

AMANDA: (Continues to talk to herself as she writes.) “As it turned out, Eunice also owned the vacant property next door to Distinctive Manor. She agreed to allow Dad to continue with his soil experimentation, and he agreed to invest some of his newly earned soil wealth into renovating and rebuilding Distinctive Manor. Much to the surprise and delight of Gertrude and Bertha, Eunice acknowledged that she is their sister and triplet. The three of them are now enjoying shopping together and making plans to redecorate the building.”

EUNICE: (ENTERS LEFT with GERTRUDE and BERTHA. Each carries a shopping bag while ERVIN trails behind, loaded down with packages and bags.) Ervin, do not drop any of those packages! There are full of frail and fragile light fixtures with fine filaments!

ERVIN: Yes, Eunice.

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BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, briskly and boldly. Points at CHESTER. Triumphant.) Ah-ha! There you are, Chester! (CHESTER gasps wildly and stifles a scream with his hands. Runs DOWN CENTER then EXITS LEFT. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN watch him leave, dumbfounded. BILL sinks into the couch with one hand supporting his back.) I’m getting much too old for this. (Nods at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.) You must be the new tenants, the McGowans. I’m Bill Bunion, the manager, the caretaker, the “you name it, it’s my job” man. Welcome to Distinctive Manor. You’ll have to pardon me if I don’t bother with your first names. I don’t expect you to stay long. Most new people don’t. (Sighs.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Points LEFT.) His name is Chester… Chester Field?

BILL: Yup! Good name for him too, since he spends so much time hiding behind it! (Pats the back of the couch.)

AMANDA: Why does he hide and run away? Are you who he calls “Them”?

BILL: Well, I’ve been trying to collect a rent check from him for over two months now. He’s rather paranoid, and he gets worse every year. I guess I’m “Them,” just as much as the postman’s “Them” and the utility man is “Them.” Heck, even Mr. Pengully’s dog is “Them” sometimes.

AMANDA: (Regards him suspiciously.) You don’t actually believe in Pretzel, do you?

BILL: Listen, my dear, in 20 years here, I’ve learned to believe in just about anything. But no, if it eases your mind, I don’t believe in Pretzel, at least not since the real Pretzel died several years ago.

UNCLE BRAIN: So there was once a real Pretzel? That makes sense.

AMANDA: What makes sense?BILL: Of course! He was a nice ol’ dog. Anyway… (Stands up slowly.)

I’m off to see if Chester is lurking about. (Turns to EXIT LEFT, then stops and turns back to UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA.) A word of advice—don’t unpack your boxes too quickly. (Turns again to EXIT LEFT.)

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Glides into the room, nose in the air and batting her eyelashes.) Oh, William… (BILL stops abruptly and turns toward her.) …a word, if you will?

BILL: (Sighs, rolls his eyes then turns towards GLADYS with an insincere smile.) Yes, Miss Glump? What can I do for you? I’m rather busy, as you can see. I’m helping our new neighbors settle into the building. (Indicates AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.)

requires a bit of work. “Genius” is spelled with a “g” not a “j” and breakthrough is one word. Your punctuation—

AMANDA: (Interrupts him, aghast.) Uncle Brain, you’re not supposed to read someone’s journal!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Surprised.) You’re not?AMANDA: No, that’s why it says “Private”! (Holds up the journal and

points out the word “private” on the cover.)UNCLE BRAIN: Do you mean private as in secret and personal, or

private as in for a small, select audience?AMANDA: (Frustrated.) I mean private as in private!UNCLE BRAIN: I see. Well, I’m glad we’re clear on that! By the way,

your dad needs our help pulling those giant weeds from his new garden. They’re real killers. (Holds his back.) That’s one side effect of super soil that he hadn’t counted on.

AMANDA: (Wry.) Yeah, I guess he’ll have to weed out that problem.UNCLE BRAIN: (Chuckles at her joke.) Ah, so you do have a sense

of humor! Amanda, you go ahead. I’ll join you in a bit. (EXITS CENTER.)

AMANDA: (Flips anxiously through her journal as she moves RIGHT and sits. To herself.) I can’t believe he read my journal! Hopefully he didn’t read about my plans to run away. (Starts writing, talking to herself as she goes along.) “Dear Diary, I don’t know what to do now. I almost want to stick around to see how Dad’s new experiment turns out. So far, it’s the first one he’s completed that hasn’t resulted in an explosion! Maybe I’ll just call Jenny and tell her to expect me later than we had arranged.” (Closes journal and EXITS CENTER.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

CURTAIN UP: That afternoon in the lobby of Distinctive Manor, now full of plants. BILL ENTERS LEFT, whistling and carrying a plant, which he places on the floor near the couch. He steps back to admire it.BILL: I have to say that a little greenery really improves the look of

this place! With my budget, I normally couldn’t afford these little extras, but with Mr. McGowan’s new greenhouse, these plants are readily available. It sure looks good. (Shifts the couch slightly UPSTAGE as he rearranges the furniture to fit nicely with the plants. In the process of moving the couch, the envelope from

ACT ONE, Scene Five is now revealed, though unnoticed by BILL. Smiles and starts to whistle again as he EXITS RIGHT.)

MADAM LUFTKA: (Sings with a hoarse voice as she ENTERS RIGHT.) La la la la la la la. (Speaks as if she has a cold.) Oh, it is no use. (Rubs her throat.) I feel a nasty cold coming on. (Sniffles.) It is probably from all zat tromping about in ze mud next door, helping the McGowans pull ze veeds. Vell, I do not mind. Zey is such a nice family, and it is for a goot cause. Super soil… vhat an exciting discovery! (Spots the letter on the ground, holds her magnifying glass to it and picks it up.) Vhat is zis? (Holds the letter at a distance from her face and moves the magnifying glass back and forth.) Oh, I vish my eyesight vas better! (MR. PENGULLY quietly ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.” She addresses him without turning around or taking her eyes off the letter.) Hello, Northrop. (Sniffles.) Hello, Pretzel!

MR. PENGULLY: How do you always know it’s us, Maddie?MADAM LUFTKA: (Turns to look at them.) I may not have goot

eyesight, but I do have excellent hearing. Besides, do you not zink it is time to clip Pretzel’s nails? I could hear zem clicking on ze floor as you came in.

MR. PENGULLY: (Smiles.) Why, yes, you’re quite right, Maddie. He does need his nails clipped. (Kneels down and pats his head.) Don’t you, old boy? (Stands up.) What are you reading?

MADAM LUFTKA: Vell, I do not know. Perhaps you could help me? Achoooo! (Sneezes on the letter before she hands it to him.) Here!

MR. PENGULLY: Uh, I’d be glad to. (Takes the letter, makes a face and turns away from MADAM LUFTKA to wipe the letter before he starts to read aloud.) Dear Mr. William Bunion… (Stops and looks at MADAM LUFTKA.) Where did you get this? It’s Bill Bunion’s personal mail. We should return it to him.

MADAM LUFTKA: I found it just now, on ze floor by ze couch.MR. PENGULLY: (Continues to read in silence. Responds out loud to

the letter as he reads.) Oh, dear… Oh, dear… (Shakes his head.) Oh, my… oh, my… (CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT, unnoticed by the two of them, and slinks behind the couch, listening intently. A worried expression comes across MR. PENGULLY’S face.)

MADAM LUFTKA: Vhat is it? Tell me!MR. PENGULLY: It’s not good, Maddie. (Continues to read silently

and shakes his head. MADAM LUFTKA tries to read with her magnifying glass over his shoulder and then out of frustration, grabs the letter from MR. PENGULLY. GERTRUDE and BERTHA ENTER RIGHT and wait at the entrance, listening with interest to the exchange between MR. PENGULLY and MADAM LUFTKA.)

EUNICE: (Depressed.) Now what am I going to do, Ervin? The sale of this building was going to save me from bankruptcy!

ERVIN: Are you actually asking my advice, Eunice?EUNICE: Is that not obvious?ERVIN: Well, usually you’re telling me what to do. You’ve never

asked my advice on anything.EUNICE: I am now.ERVIN: All right, then… (Pauses.) First of all, I think that you should

not reject your family. It is so obvious to the rest of us that you are their triplet.

EUNICE: (Sighs.) You’re right, Ervin. I was in such shock, I didn’t know what to do.

ERVIN: Are you actually agreeing with me, Eunice?EUNICE: (Frowns.) Yes, I am.ERVIN: I also think that instead of trying to sell Distinctive Manor, you

should find another investor and work with him on rebuilding and refurbishing it. Then, allow these tenants to stay at their current rental rate as part of a grandfather clause.

EUNICE: (Pensive.) Ervin, you know I like that first idea… the one about another investor. (Abrupt.) But, that second part… about not raising the rent… that’s just too generous for me.

ERVIN: (Scolds.) Eunice…EUNICE: (Begrudging.) Oh, all right! But where am I going to find

someone who would actually want to invest in this building, especially with its apparent problems?

PETER: I believe that I can help you with that! (EUNICE and ERVIN turn around, startled. He joins them on the couch.)

EUNICE: You? (Stands up to face him.) Aren’t you worried about leaching soil and the residual effects of power lines?

PETER: No, in fact, I’m a scientist and, with a little time and patience, I can… uh… (Quickly searches for an explanation.) …reverse the effects of those external factors.

ERVIN: (Dubious.) Really? And what about those tenants who have already been affected by it? (CHESTER pops his head up from behind the couch and only PETER sees him.)

PETER: I’m afraid that those… uh… side effects (Looks at CHESTER.) may be rather permanent. Anyway, I’m prepared to make you an offer you can’t refuse. (As the CURTAIN slowly begins to CLOSE, PETER explains his offer in mime to ERVIN and EUNICE, using his hands to occasionally indicate the land next door. CHESTER

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GLADYS: (Glances snobbishly at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN. Unkindly.) New neighbors? Hardly worth your while, is it? (Turns to face BILL again.) Listen, I have come to discuss the poor ventilation in my room. You have also promised me, on several occasions, to install a larger mirror in my bathroom and to affix my nameplate on my outside door. I need a closet expansion, as I am running out of room for my clothes. And, I would like to discuss the cost of rental space for my seasonal shoes and summer hats.

BILL: Miss Glump, there really is nothing I can do about the room’s ventilation. This is an old building, as you know. And I can’t imagine why you need your name attached to the door. Everyone here knows which unit you live in. As for the closet expansion, I—

GLADYS: (Interrupts.) William, shall I call the building’s owner and explain just how unobliging you have been? Hmmm? You might just consider that I have connections.

BILL: (Panics.) No, please, it’s not necessary to call the owner. I’ll attend to those renovations straight away. (Briskly EXITS RIGHT.)

GLADYS: (Smiles to herself and speaks as if to the AUDIENCE.) Now that’s more like it!

UNCLE BRAIN: Uh, Miss Glump…?GLADYS: (Swings around quickly.) Yesssss?UNCLE BRAIN: (Politely extends his hand.) We’re your new

neighbors, Brain and Amanda McGowan.GLADYS: (Ignores his polite gesture.) Brain? Brain?! What kind

of a name is that? And who do you think I am, the welcoming committee?

UNCLE BRAIN: No, I had not made that assumption, however—AMANDA: (Indignant.) He was just trying to be friendly.GLADYS: Well, all right then. I accept visitors from two to four o’clock

p.m., but only for tea—no biscuits. I allow autographs from 11 to 11:30 a.m., but only on days when I don’t have my manicure and pedicure. And absolutely no photographs without my permission!

AMANDA: Why would we want your photograph?GLADYS: (Stares at her, aghast.) Don’t you know who I am?AMANDA: No. Should we?GLADYS: (Snorts angrily and turns on her heel.) Why am I wasting

my time with you? You won’t last here anyway. You’ll be just like all the others. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Flops down on the couch. Holds her head.) I feel like I’ve moved to a different planet… one that’s completely out of orbit!

UNCLE BRAIN: Outburst? What do you mean by outburst? Do you mean a violent emergence from limits or restraints?

AMANDA: (Embarrassed.) No, nothing like that.PETER: (Smiles.) Amanda, why don’t you go find Mr. Bunion to inform

him of the good news and invite him to Maddie’s celebration party. I still have a few more things I need to take care of. (EXITS LEFT. AMANDA turns to EXIT RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Follows her.) Or was it an outburst such as a sudden expression or eruption of emotion?

AMANDA: (Annoyed.) No, not that either… not really.UNCLE BRAIN: An explosion?AMANDA: (Exasperated.) No, Uncle Brain! (She and UNCLE BRAIN

EXIT RIGHT. CHESTER pops his head up from behind the couch to make sure everyone has left. Cranes his neck to make sure both exits are clear, then slinks backwards along the back wall again to EXIT RIGHT.)

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Bumps into CHESTER. Annoyed, yells at him from behind. CHESTER jumps.) Chester, why don’t you walk like a normal person? (Glides haughtily CENTER.) Where is everyone? Where’s the developer? (Holds up a videocassette and a file folder.) I brought my resumé and video for him.

CHESTER: (Responds in a self-satisfied tone.) He left, and he’s not coming back!

GLADYS: What? How extremely rude of him not to wait! Well, maybe I can still catch him. Where did he go?

CHESTER: You may find him talking to his surveyors in the mud puddle next door.

GLADYS: Of course! I’ll go and find him there.CHESTER: Miss Glump, perhaps you should wear some rubber

boots.GLADYS: Rubber boots? Why on earth would I wear those dowdy

old things? No one can make a fashion statement while wearing rubber boots! (EXITS LEFT. CHESTER shrugs with his palms upwards and slinks back behind the couch. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP: Moments later. EUNICE and ERVIN ENTER LEFT and sit down on the couch. They do not notice as PETER quietly ENTERS LEFT behind them and eavesdrops on their conversation.

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UNCLE BRAIN: Outburst? What do you mean by outburst? Do you mean a violent emergence from limits or restraints?

AMANDA: (Embarrassed.) No, nothing like that.PETER: (Smiles.) Amanda, why don’t you go find Mr. Bunion to inform

him of the good news and invite him to Maddie’s celebration party. I still have a few more things I need to take care of. (EXITS LEFT. AMANDA turns to EXIT RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Follows her.) Or was it an outburst such as a sudden expression or eruption of emotion?

AMANDA: (Annoyed.) No, not that either… not really.UNCLE BRAIN: An explosion?AMANDA: (Exasperated.) No, Uncle Brain! (She and UNCLE BRAIN

EXIT RIGHT. CHESTER pops his head up from behind the couch to make sure everyone has left. Cranes his neck to make sure both exits are clear, then slinks backwards along the back wall again to EXIT RIGHT.)

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Bumps into CHESTER. Annoyed, yells at him from behind. CHESTER jumps.) Chester, why don’t you walk like a normal person? (Glides haughtily CENTER.) Where is everyone? Where’s the developer? (Holds up a videocassette and a file folder.) I brought my resumé and video for him.

CHESTER: (Responds in a self-satisfied tone.) He left, and he’s not coming back!

GLADYS: What? How extremely rude of him not to wait! Well, maybe I can still catch him. Where did he go?

CHESTER: You may find him talking to his surveyors in the mud puddle next door.

GLADYS: Of course! I’ll go and find him there.CHESTER: Miss Glump, perhaps you should wear some rubber

boots.GLADYS: Rubber boots? Why on earth would I wear those dowdy

old things? No one can make a fashion statement while wearing rubber boots! (EXITS LEFT. CHESTER shrugs with his palms upwards and slinks back behind the couch. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP: Moments later. EUNICE and ERVIN ENTER LEFT and sit down on the couch. They do not notice as PETER quietly ENTERS LEFT behind them and eavesdrops on their conversation.

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GLADYS: (Glances snobbishly at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN. Unkindly.) New neighbors? Hardly worth your while, is it? (Turns to face BILL again.) Listen, I have come to discuss the poor ventilation in my room. You have also promised me, on several occasions, to install a larger mirror in my bathroom and to affix my nameplate on my outside door. I need a closet expansion, as I am running out of room for my clothes. And, I would like to discuss the cost of rental space for my seasonal shoes and summer hats.

BILL: Miss Glump, there really is nothing I can do about the room’s ventilation. This is an old building, as you know. And I can’t imagine why you need your name attached to the door. Everyone here knows which unit you live in. As for the closet expansion, I—

GLADYS: (Interrupts.) William, shall I call the building’s owner and explain just how unobliging you have been? Hmmm? You might just consider that I have connections.

BILL: (Panics.) No, please, it’s not necessary to call the owner. I’ll attend to those renovations straight away. (Briskly EXITS RIGHT.)

GLADYS: (Smiles to herself and speaks as if to the AUDIENCE.) Now that’s more like it!

UNCLE BRAIN: Uh, Miss Glump…?GLADYS: (Swings around quickly.) Yesssss?UNCLE BRAIN: (Politely extends his hand.) We’re your new

neighbors, Brain and Amanda McGowan.GLADYS: (Ignores his polite gesture.) Brain? Brain?! What kind

of a name is that? And who do you think I am, the welcoming committee?

UNCLE BRAIN: No, I had not made that assumption, however—AMANDA: (Indignant.) He was just trying to be friendly.GLADYS: Well, all right then. I accept visitors from two to four o’clock

p.m., but only for tea—no biscuits. I allow autographs from 11 to 11:30 a.m., but only on days when I don’t have my manicure and pedicure. And absolutely no photographs without my permission!

AMANDA: Why would we want your photograph?GLADYS: (Stares at her, aghast.) Don’t you know who I am?AMANDA: No. Should we?GLADYS: (Snorts angrily and turns on her heel.) Why am I wasting

my time with you? You won’t last here anyway. You’ll be just like all the others. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Flops down on the couch. Holds her head.) I feel like I’ve moved to a different planet… one that’s completely out of orbit!

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UNCLE BRAIN: Why is that? (Moves as if he intends to sit on the couch next to AMANDA. Hesitates, looks at the couch with a frown and remains standing.)

AMANDA: Seriously, Uncle, don’t you find this place—these people—extremely odd?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Thoughtful.) Do you mean odd as in peculiar, or odd as in agreeably curious? There’s also odd as in out-of-the-way, secluded. (Looks off, lost in thought.)

AMANDA: (Loses patience.) I mean odd, as in weird, strange… I mean… you know what I mean!

UNCLE BRAIN: I’ll bet there’s never a dull moment. (Smiles and gazes at the ceiling. AMANDA leans forward on the couch to get a good look at GERTRUDE and BERTHA as they ENTER LEFT. They argue loudly. Both wear exactly the same clothes and carry shopping bags and umbrellas. They mime shaking the rain off the umbrellas then close them. Each tucks the umbrella under her arm. Both move in exactly the same manner, simultaneously.)

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) I wish that you would stop buying exactly the same clothes as me. I mean, really, the novelty of being twins should have worn off 50 years ago.

BERTHA: But, Gertrude, they were on sale, and I—GERTRUDE: (Points to the boxes in the lobby.) What is this

mountainous mess? (To AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.) Is this yours? I am going to report you!

BERTHA: And didn’t you read the sign on the front door. It says “No Solickiting.”

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) That’s “No Soliciting,” you nitwit!BERTHA: (To GERTRUDE.) No matter! (To AMANDA and UNCLE

BRAIN.) What are you doing lottering in the lobby? (Lowers her voice to GERTRUDE.) Young thugs, probably trying to steal something.

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) That’s littering the lobby.UNCLE BRAIN: Actually, it’s loitering in the lobby, and no, we’re not

loiterers. We’re just moving in and—GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) Can you believe this insultering

insolence? Insipid, ingracious… I’m incensed!PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a bag. Tries, with difficulty, to

get by BERTHA and GERTRUDE.) Excuse me, please, ladies. (BERTHA and GERTRUDE part to allow him to pass between them as they turn up their noses disapprovingly.)

D. MOLISH: Ma’am that won’t be necessary… uh—GLADYS: (EXITS RIGHT. Bumps into UNCLE BRAIN as he ENTERS

RIGHT.) Move it, Brainless, I’m in a hurry. Why are there are always people in my way? I’ll be so glad to escape this cramped apartment building!

PETER: (Catches UNCLE BRAIN’S eye and looks back at his newspaper.) This article also states—

D. MOLISH: Please don’t read any more from that article, sir.PETER: (To D. MOLISH.) You don’t look well.D. MOLISH: In fact, I don’t feel well at all. I think… I think that I’ve had

enough for one day. (Stoops to pick up his briefcase and reaches for his hat and coat from the rack.)

EUNICE: But what about the papers you came to sign? You can’t go before we—

D. MOLISH: I’m sorry, but the deal is off! I’ve decided to find a new location for my film studio. Whether it’s from the power lines overhead or the effects of water leaching from the vacant lot next door, these people are all loopy! Besides, my surveyors are experiencing extreme difficulties. Their equipment keeps disappearing into mud sinkholes, while plants and trees keep popping up… out of nowhere! I’m finished here. Good day! (Hurriedly pulls on his coat and slaps his hat on his head.)

EUNICE: Can’t we persuade you to change your mind? I’ll lower the price! (D. MOLISH shakes his head vigorously and EXITS LEFT. EUNICE grabs ERVIN’S arm and follows D. MOLISH.) No, wait—! (She and ERVIN EXIT LEFT. ALL cheer, embrace and ad-lib, congratulating each other.)

MR. PENGULLY: Did you hear that, Pretzel? We don’t have to move! (UNCLE BRAIN and PETER shake hands.)

MADAM LUFTKA: How delightful zat ve do not have to move! I sink zis calls for a celebration! Everyvon is invited to my apartment, right after I unpack! (EXITS RIGHT.)

MR. PENGULLY: A party! That’s a lovely idea! Come along, Pretzel, let’s go unpack your milkbones. (EXITS RIGHT.)

GERTRUDE: Well, Bertha, we may not have gained a sister, but at least we haven’t lost our home.

BERTHA: Terribly, but thankfully and terrifically true. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA EXIT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (A bit chagrined.) That was really great, Dad! I’m sorry that I doubted you.

PETER: That’s all right, Amanda. You actually contributed quite nicely to the outcome with your little outburst back there.

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UNCLE BRAIN: Why is that? (Moves as if he intends to sit on the couch next to AMANDA. Hesitates, looks at the couch with a frown and remains standing.)

AMANDA: Seriously, Uncle, don’t you find this place—these people—extremely odd?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Thoughtful.) Do you mean odd as in peculiar, or odd as in agreeably curious? There’s also odd as in out-of-the-way, secluded. (Looks off, lost in thought.)

AMANDA: (Loses patience.) I mean odd, as in weird, strange… I mean… you know what I mean!

UNCLE BRAIN: I’ll bet there’s never a dull moment. (Smiles and gazes at the ceiling. AMANDA leans forward on the couch to get a good look at GERTRUDE and BERTHA as they ENTER LEFT. They argue loudly. Both wear exactly the same clothes and carry shopping bags and umbrellas. They mime shaking the rain off the umbrellas then close them. Each tucks the umbrella under her arm. Both move in exactly the same manner, simultaneously.)

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) I wish that you would stop buying exactly the same clothes as me. I mean, really, the novelty of being twins should have worn off 50 years ago.

BERTHA: But, Gertrude, they were on sale, and I—GERTRUDE: (Points to the boxes in the lobby.) What is this

mountainous mess? (To AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.) Is this yours? I am going to report you!

BERTHA: And didn’t you read the sign on the front door. It says “No Solickiting.”

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) That’s “No Soliciting,” you nitwit!BERTHA: (To GERTRUDE.) No matter! (To AMANDA and UNCLE

BRAIN.) What are you doing lottering in the lobby? (Lowers her voice to GERTRUDE.) Young thugs, probably trying to steal something.

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) That’s littering the lobby.UNCLE BRAIN: Actually, it’s loitering in the lobby, and no, we’re not

loiterers. We’re just moving in and—GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) Can you believe this insultering

insolence? Insipid, ingracious… I’m incensed!PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a bag. Tries, with difficulty, to

get by BERTHA and GERTRUDE.) Excuse me, please, ladies. (BERTHA and GERTRUDE part to allow him to pass between them as they turn up their noses disapprovingly.)

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D. MOLISH: Ma’am that won’t be necessary… uh—GLADYS: (EXITS RIGHT. Bumps into UNCLE BRAIN as he ENTERS

RIGHT.) Move it, Brainless, I’m in a hurry. Why are there are always people in my way? I’ll be so glad to escape this cramped apartment building!

PETER: (Catches UNCLE BRAIN’S eye and looks back at his newspaper.) This article also states—

D. MOLISH: Please don’t read any more from that article, sir.PETER: (To D. MOLISH.) You don’t look well.D. MOLISH: In fact, I don’t feel well at all. I think… I think that I’ve had

enough for one day. (Stoops to pick up his briefcase and reaches for his hat and coat from the rack.)

EUNICE: But what about the papers you came to sign? You can’t go before we—

D. MOLISH: I’m sorry, but the deal is off! I’ve decided to find a new location for my film studio. Whether it’s from the power lines overhead or the effects of water leaching from the vacant lot next door, these people are all loopy! Besides, my surveyors are experiencing extreme difficulties. Their equipment keeps disappearing into mud sinkholes, while plants and trees keep popping up… out of nowhere! I’m finished here. Good day! (Hurriedly pulls on his coat and slaps his hat on his head.)

EUNICE: Can’t we persuade you to change your mind? I’ll lower the price! (D. MOLISH shakes his head vigorously and EXITS LEFT. EUNICE grabs ERVIN’S arm and follows D. MOLISH.) No, wait—! (She and ERVIN EXIT LEFT. ALL cheer, embrace and ad-lib, congratulating each other.)

MR. PENGULLY: Did you hear that, Pretzel? We don’t have to move! (UNCLE BRAIN and PETER shake hands.)

MADAM LUFTKA: How delightful zat ve do not have to move! I sink zis calls for a celebration! Everyvon is invited to my apartment, right after I unpack! (EXITS RIGHT.)

MR. PENGULLY: A party! That’s a lovely idea! Come along, Pretzel, let’s go unpack your milkbones. (EXITS RIGHT.)

GERTRUDE: Well, Bertha, we may not have gained a sister, but at least we haven’t lost our home.

BERTHA: Terribly, but thankfully and terrifically true. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA EXIT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (A bit chagrined.) That was really great, Dad! I’m sorry that I doubted you.

PETER: That’s all right, Amanda. You actually contributed quite nicely to the outcome with your little outburst back there.

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BERTHA: (Sniffs the air.) What are you doing, pollutinating the air with your dinner smells?

PETER: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize… (Casts a puzzled look at UNCLE BRAIN and then at AMANDA.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT, very distressed. Holds Pretzel’s leash, which now has a gap in the collar.) Oh, dear, oh, dear! Has anyone seen Pretzel? He’s missing. He disappeared right after dinner.

PETER: (Places his take-out bag on the floor and steps towards MR. PENGULLY.) Sir, I’d like to help you find your dog. Can you describe him? (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN exchange glances.)

AMANDA: Uh, Dad, there’s something you should know.MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Me me me me me me me.

(Peers at ALL ONSTAGE through her magnifying glass.) Vell, vhat a delightful gathering. Is zis to velcome ze new neighbors?

GERTRUDE: What new neighbors? Where’s Mr. Bunion? I want to report some, some… (Turns to UNCLE BRAIN.) …what did you say the word was?

UNCLE BRAIN: Loiterers.GERTRUDE: Some loiterers.BERTHA: Yes, loiterers littering our lobby!GERTRUDE: Disgraceful!BERTHA: Disruptive!GERTRUDE: Disgusting!MR. PENGULLY: Would someone please help me find Pretzel?

(Pauses and then crouches by the bag.) Oh, wait, here he is!PETER: (Looks around.) Where?MR. PENGULLY: Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, sir. (Holds up the bag and

peers inside.) I’m afraid he’s had a taste of your dinner. Please allow me to make amends.

PETER: (Looks very confused.) I don’t understand.MR. PENGULLY: (Sets the bag down and shakes his finger while

he puts the collar back together.) Pretzel, you are a very naughty dog! First you ran off on me, and then you ate this man’s dinner. (PETER picks up the bag and peers into it with a confused expression.)

CHESTER: (ENTERS LEFT backwards, looks around slowly. He sees BERTHA and GERTRUDE, cowers and points at them.) Ahhh! It’s “Them.” It’s “Them”! (Runs UP CENTER and starts to

EUNICE: Shush, Ervin!GERTRUDE: Eunice, you don’t understand… he’s—EUNICE: No, you’re right. I certainly don’t understand.MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS RIGHT, singing.) My my my my my my

my. How nice it is to have my voice back again. No more cold for me. Tra la la! (Looks at EUNICE, steps close to the TRIPLETS and puts her magnifying glass right in EUNICE’S face. GERTRUDE and BERTHA nod simultaneously.) Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my… Gertrude and Bertha, I see zat you have found your triplet at last! How nice for you! (Turns her magnifying glass on ERVIN.) And you, sir, are you ze owner?

ERVIN: No, she is. (Points to EUNICE.)MADAM LUFTKA: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh… vhat a coincidence! Dat

your triplet has been ze owner of ze building dat you have lived in for so long. Von of life’s bitter-sveet discoveries, to be sure! (Steps towards D. MOLISH and holds her magnifying glass up to him.) And who might you be?

D. MOLISH: I’m, D. Molish, developer.MADAM LUFTKA: (Holds out her hand.) How nice to meet vit you,

Mr. Developer. I do hope zat you like ze cats! Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow! (Sits on the arm of the couch.)

D. MOLISH: (To EUNICE.) What does she mean by that?EUNICE: Oh, nothing, I’m sure!GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a feather boa, high heels and

an evening dress. Melodramatic.) Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? What’s in a name…? I’m Gladys Glump! Which one of you is the developer?

D. MOLISH: (Meekly raises his hand. Weak.) I am.GLADYS: (Glides dramatically towards D. MOLISH and holds out her

hand.) Charmed to meet you, sir. Do you have connections?D. MOLISH: Connections?GLADYS: Yes, connections with those who will be hiring from the

new film studio, of course.D. MOLISH: Are you an… actress?GLADYS: (Annoyed.) Haven’t you seen my movies? I was in “Attack

of the Killer Turnips.” I was a turnip!D. MOLISH: I can’t say that I’ve seen that one, sorry.GLADYS: You haven’t? Well, I just happen to have a copy of it up in

my suite. I’ll go and get it for you, along with my resumé and my portfolio!

By Michelle R. Davis

© Copyright 2004, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

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FOIBLES AND FOLLYA Two Act Comedyby Michelle R. Davis

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In order of appearance)

# of lines

AMANDA McGOWAN ................ teen-age girl, outspoken 119 and very critical of others

UNCLE BRAIN McGOWAN ....... uncle to Amanda 74PETER McGOWAN ................... Amanda’s father, an eccentric 58

scientist in his early 40s; younger brother to Brain

NORTHROP PENGULLY .......... kindly, British man in his late 39 60s who walks an imaginary dog named Pretzel

MADAM MADELEINE LUFTKA ... exuberant, middle-aged 23 woman with a foreign accent; speaks with an operatic voice

CHESTER FIELD ...................... odd, quiet, elderly man who 22 spends most of his time hiding behind the couch and trying to elude “Them”

BILL BUNION ............................ manager of Distinctive Manor 45GLADYS GLUMP ...................... glamorous movie star 45

“wannabe” in her early 40sGERTRUDE .............................. haughty, bossy woman in her 31

50s; triplet to Bertha and Eunice

BERTHA .................................... triplet to Gertrude and Eunice 24EUNICE ..................................... owner of Distinctive Manor 40

and long-lost triplet to Bertha and Gertrude (unbeknownst to

her!)ERVIN VICTION ........................ works for Eunice 30D. MOLISH ................................ building developer 14

EXIT RIGHT just as BILL and GLADYS ENTER RIGHT. When he sees BILL, he turns to run in the opposite direction.)

BILL: (Grabs CHESTER. Shouts triumphantly.) Ah-ha! I’ve got you now, Chester! Let’s go and find your checkbook, shall we? (CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

SPOTLIGHT UP: A few days later in EUNICE’S office, played in front of the curtain DOWN LEFT.EUNICE’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Yells in a booming voice.)

That’s it… you’re fired! I mean it, you’re fired! Good riddance!EUNICE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. Sits in the chair and shakes her

head.) Good riddance, indeed! Now, let me see here… (Holds up a piece of paper and stares at it.) Oh, muckle muckle! (Taps desk with a pen impatiently.) Just as I suspected, these accounts are not balancing out! I should have fired that accountant years ago. Miserable, malevolent man! He’s probably been stealing from me, too! (Starts typing a letter. Yells.) Ervin? Ervin! Where are you? Get in here, now! (Continues to type.)

ERVIN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. Speaks in a matter-of-fact manner.) Yes? Are you going to fire me, too, Eunice?

EUNICE: Nothing but nonsense! However, the way my accounts are going… that accountant was no good!

ERVIN: I hate to say I told you so.EUNICE: Stop goating and—ERVIN: I think you mean gloating.EUNICE: No, I meant goating… as in stop your incessant bleating! I

need you to make a delivery for me… a letter.ERVIN: Whatever your Heartlessness desires. Is it concerning what

I think it’s concerning?EUNICE: (Hisses.) Yessssss! (Stops typing and puts letter into an

envelope. Hands letter to ERVIN.) Here you are. I want immediate action! Nothing less.

ERVIN: (Bows mockingly and tips his hat.) Yes, Eunice, nothing less, of course. (Turns to EXIT DOWN LEFT, then stops and turns back toward EUNICE.) You know, Eunice, it’s always struck me as rather ironic that you have the word “nice” in your name. Eunice… “U-nice”… no, it just doesn’t fit. Such irony. You’re certainly one-of-a-kind! (Shakes his head. EXITS.)

ERVIN: (Sympathetic.) Eunice, that hardly matters now.EUNICE: Ervin, do not interrupt me!MR. PENGULLY: (Fretfully searches down on his hands and knees.)

Oh, dear, she’s right. He’s missing! He’s run off! I knew this would happen. Ever since I told him we would have to move, he’s not been himself. Would someone please help me find him?

AMANDA: I’ll help you, Mr. Pengully! I think I saw him digging up a bone in the garden. I’ll go get him for you. (EXITS LEFT.)

MR. PENGULLY: (Sits on the couch next to PETER, who pats his shoulder sympathetically.) Oh, thank you. I just don’t have the energy to go chasing after him anymore.

EUNICE: Ervin, write down his name. (Points to MR. PENGULLY.) Pengully. He will be fined for having a pet.

ERVIN: But, Eunice, really… (EUNICE glares at him as he scribbles something down in his binder. He shakes his head. CHESTER furtively ENTERS LEFT. He flattens himself against the back wall and slinks along it. No one else pays attention to him except for D. MOLISH, who watches him closely.)

PETER: (Glances over his shoulder and notices that CHESTER has made an entrance. Again reads from his newspaper.) This article also states, “…B1400 power lines, which are often situated directly over a building, can eventually cause people to see things which are not really there and to believe in things which are not real.” (Looks up from his paper and exclaims.) Hey, aren’t those the type of power lines that we have dangling over this apartment?

CHESTER: (Points suddenly to the coat rack.) Ahhhhh! It’s “Them,” it’s “Them”! (Dives behind the couch. D. MOLISH looks alarmed by CHESTER’S behavior.)

PETER: (Leans over the couch to speak to CHESTER.) Chester, it’s all right, it’s not “Them.” That’s just the coat rack.

CHESTER: (Pops his head up from behind the couch.) Oh, so it is.AMANDA: (ENTERS LEFT. She mimes carrying Pretzel, takes

him to MR. PENGULLY and attaches his leash.) Here he is, Mr. Pengully. I’m sorry he’s a little dirty still. I washed him off as well as I could, but he still has a bit of mud on him. (D. MOLISH, EUNICE and ERVIN exchange glances, baffled.)

MR. PENGULLY: Why, thank you, Amanda, dear. I’m so relieved. (Shakes his finger at Pretzel.) Pretzel, you are a naughty dog for running off like that, but I will forgive you, under the circumstances.

ERVIN: (In a sarcastic tone.) Eunice, what kind of fine would you say applies here?

NOTES

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Set Design - Foibles and Folly

SETTINGTime: Any era.Place: Lobby of Distinctive Manor, a run-down apartment building.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE, Scene One: A diary session, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Two: A week later in the lobby.

ACT ONE, Scene Three: A few days later in Eunice’s office, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Four: The same day, outside Distinctive Manor. Another diary session, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Five: An hour later in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene One: Three weeks later, outside Distinctive Manor (played before the curtain).

ACT TWO, Scene Two: That afternoon in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene Three: Moments later in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene Four: Three months later in the lobby.

EUNICE: (Mutters as she begins to type another letter.) Cheeky fellow! Such irritating and ill-natured insolence! I should fire him, too. (SPOTLIGHT OUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

SPOTLIGHT UP: The same day, outside Distinctive Manor (played before the curtain). AMANDA sits DOWN RIGHT as in ACT ONE, Scene One, writing in her journal. A large backpack sits next to her.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, So much

has happened since my last entry that I don’t even know where to start. To sum it up, the apartment we’ve moved into is hardly a dream home. In fact, it’s kind of like my worst nightmare! The people who live here are really odd. There’s no hot tub, no theatre and definitely no swimming pool, unless you count the big mud puddle in the vacant lot next door. I wouldn’t dip my big toe in that! And those cats! Who can sleep at night with all the racket they make? It’s more than I can take, so I’ve made up my mind… I’m leaving! With all of the chaos around here, no one will even notice that I’m gone. Jenny has agreed to let me stay at her place for a while until I—”

UNCLE BRAIN: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, wearing rubber boots.) Amanda? There you are. Your dad was wondering where you keep disappearing to. What are you writing?

AMANDA: (Closes her journal quickly and hugs it to her chest defensively. Discreetly pushes the backpack behind her with her foot.) Uh… nothing.

UNCLE BRAIN: I never knew nothing required so much effort. Well, when you’ve finished your latest literary saga, do you think you could come and help your dad and me with his new experiment? He wants your opinion. I’ve already given him mine.

AMANDA: (Impatient.) What’s he working on now?UNCLE BRAIN: He insists he’s staying away from all combustible

materials for a while, especially after his… previous experience.AMANDA: That’s a relief.UNCLE BRAIN: Currently he’s experimenting with improving soil

quality for farming.AMANDA: Sounds safe enough. All right, I’ll be there… in a few

minutes.

GERTRUDE: Blithesome! (She and BERTHA surround and attempt to hug her.)

EUNICE: (Resists their advances.) Blundering bloopers! What is this? I’m not your triplet.

GERTRUDE: Of course you are, look at us! (She, BERTHA and EUNICE stand in a row. ALL stare.)

ERVIN: (Sidles close to EUNICE.) You know, they have a point. You even talk like them.

D. MOLISH: (To EUNICE.) I’m sure it’s none of my business, but, didn’t you know that you were a triplet?

EUNICE: You’re right, it’s none of your busybody, buzzing beeswax. And no, I am not a triplet! These women have no idea what they are talking about. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA react indignantly.)

PETER: (Puts his lab goggles over his eyes.) Wow, after this touching family reunion, this may seem a little anticlimactic, but did anyone happen to read this bit of news today? (Speaks as if he is reading aloud from the newspaper.) “Scientists have proven that water which leaches off of vacant or undeveloped land can have adverse effects on those who live nearby. These potentially severe side effects may continue to occur even once the land is developed.” (D. MOLISH leans in to listen with a worried look. PETER winks at AMANDA over his paper.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.” D. MOLISH watches them curiously.) Now, Pretzel, we agreed that you would act in a civil manner to the owner of this building, even if he or she is evicting us! No biting, no clawing and, no, absolutely no piddling! (Looks up.) Now which one of you is the owner of this establishment?

EUNICE: (Pulls herself away from BERTHA and GERTRUDE.) I am.MR. PENGULLY: Oh, my, does my vision deceive me in my old age?

I think I’m seeing triple.BERTHA: Northrop, your vision is just fine. (Clings to EUNICE and

gushes.) Gertrude and I have finally found our sister! We are now complete!

EUNICE: (Tries to wriggle free of BERTHA.) No, I am not their sister. But I am the owner of this building. I also happen to disagree with them on one other point—that of your vision. (Points to the empty leash.) Can you not see that your dog, or whatever it is, has escaped? Your leash is empty. (MR. PENGULLY looks down at the leash, worried.) That brings me to another point, there are no pets allowed in this building!

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UNCLE BRAIN: (Turns to EXIT, pauses and faces AMANDA again.) You might want to wear some rubber boots.

AMANDA: Why?UNCLE BRAIN: He’s doing his testing in the mud puddle next door.

(EXITS CENTER.)AMANDA: (Disgusted.) Ugh! Oh, great! (Opens her journal and

sighs.) Where was I? (Slams journal shut.) Oh, never mind! (Reaches for her backpack, rummages through it for a couple of seconds and pulls out some money.) Yep, there’s enough here for the bus. I’m outta here, right after I help Dad with his experiment. He’ll be less suspicious that way. (Sighs.) I guess I’d better find some rubber boots. (EXITS CENTER.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

CURTAIN UP: An hour later in the lobby. BILL sweeps, whistling a happy tune. He pauses to inspect his work, then nods to himself. He starts to straighten the couch cushions and several Styrofoam packing pieces fall on the floor. He reaches under the cushions and several more fall. He sweeps them up into a dustpan and then hides them back underneath the cushions. He kneels on the floor and searches under the couch. CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT and sneaks, unnoticed, behind the couch.ERVIN: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a dark trench coat and hat and

carrying an envelope and clipboard. He removes his hat then coughs to get BILL’S attention.) Ahem! Excuse me, sir, but could you tell me where I could find a Mr. William Bunion, please?

BILL: (Stands up and brushes himself off.) That would be Bill Bunion… and that’s me.

ERVIN: Ah, very well then. This is for you. (Hands BILL a sealed envelope.)

BILL: Thanks.ERVIN: Would you be so kind as to sign here, please? (Hands BILL a

clipboard with a piece of paper and a pen attached to it.)BILL: What for?ERVIN: To indicate that you did, in fact, receive the letter on this date.BILL: All right. (Nonchalantly signs his name and returns the

clipboard.)ERVIN: Thank you, sir. (Mysterious.) We’ll be in touch then. (Tips his

hat to BILL and EXITS LEFT.)

D. MOLISH: (Does a visual inspection of the lobby as he ENTERS. Hangs up his hat and coat on the coat rack.) The wrecking crew arrives a week from today. Can I be assured that all of your tenants will be out by then?

EUNICE: Ervin?ERVIN: Yes, yes, they’re all packing now, Eunice.D. MOLISH: (Lowers his voice, indicating PETER and AMANDA as

he speaks.) What about these people? They don’t seem to be in any hurry to leave. (EUNICE and ERVIN turn their backs and have a silent “mimed” dispute over this oversight. To AMANDA.) Excuse me, miss. (AMANDA glares up at him.) Are you aware that this building is scheduled to be demolished within the week?

AMANDA: Yes.D. MOLISH: Are you making plans to move out?AMANDA: No, I’m not! (PETER peers slowly and curiously at

AMANDA over his newspaper. AMANDA stands up, defiant.) You can just bring on your wrecking ball. I’m staying put. What are you going to do about that, huh? What if all of the tenants decided to stay put? What would you do? Where are we supposed to go, anyway? Have you ever thought of that? (Pauses.) Well, have you?

PETER: (Whispers to AMANDA from over his newspaper.) Amanda!EUNICE: (She and ERVIN turn around. She approaches AMANDA.

Annoyed.) Excuse me, are you one of the tenants here?AMANDA: (Bewildered.) You know that I am, Gertrude… (Peers at

EUNICE closely.) …or is it Bertha?EUNICE: Who’s Gertrude… and Bertha? I’m Eunice.PETER: (Looks up from his paper. He and AMANDA gawk at

EUNICE.) Are you the owner of the building?EUNICE: Yes, I am.PETER: (He and AMANDA exchange stunned looks.) I don’t believe

it! (Shakes his head.)EUNICE: What do you mean, you don’t believe it? Such improper,

impudence! Are you implying that I am an imposter?GERTRUDE: (She and BERTHA ENTER RIGHT. There is a moment

of stunned silence. Their mouths gape open. They stare first at EUNICE and then at each other. Excited.) Oh, Bertha, look! Can you believe it? It’s our long-lost triplet! We’ve finally been reunited after 52 years! Blessed day!

BERTHA: Blissful!

ERVIN VICTION: Dark suit, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes and hat. In ACT ONE, Scene Five and ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a dark trench coat.

MR. D. MOLISH: Business suit, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes, raincoat and hat.

MORE ABOUT THE SETTo dress up (or dress down) the set, the lobby could include a lopsided chandelier, a bookshelf with one book on it and perhaps a floor mat in front of the exit at STAGE LEFT. The backdrop could even be wallpapered, with pieces of the wall’s pattern partly torn off or left partially hanging in keeping with the apartment’s old and shabby nature.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe roles of NORTHROP PENGULLY and BILL BUNION can be combined to be played by one actor.D. MOLISH could be cast as a female, DEE MOLISH.

SET DESCRIPTION

The lobby of Distinctive Manor is typical of older apartment buildings, but with a run-down appearance. At CENTER there should be a shabby couch. Other typical pieces, such as a chair, a small coffee table or a small side table can be added to the arrangement, leaving plenty of space for the tenants to congregate and move around.

There are two exits: STAGE LEFT represents the main entrance to the apartment building from outside. A coat rack should be placed just DOWNSTAGE of this entrance. STAGE RIGHT represents the entrance to the building’s individual apartments. UPSTAGE there is a painted or wallpapered backdrop (or flat) with some paintings hanging crookedly.

ACT ONE, Scene Three takes place in front of the curtain DOWN LEFT. This area represents a simple office with a desk and a chair that face the audience. On top of the desk is a typewriter (or laptop computer), some papers and a pen. A wastebasket sits to the right of the desk.

Please refer to the set design on page 46.

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ACT ONEScene One

SPOTLIGHT UP: In front of the curtain on AMANDA, sitting cross-legged on the floor DOWN RIGHT with a pen and her journal, which has “PRIVATE!” boldly written on the cover. She writes in her journal.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, Things have

gotten worse… much worse. Not only did Dad lose another job, but now we are forced to sell our house and move! Dad says—get this—we’ll have to move into a “smallish” apartment for a little while, until we can get ourselves on our feet again. Then, he informs me that Uncle Brain is moving in with us! Two scientists under one roof… my life is ruined! Dad says that he needs Uncle Brain’s assistance for some secret project he’s working on. I haven’t seen my Uncle Brain since Mom died five years ago. I hardly even know him! (Pauses.) About this apartment… my friend Jenny tells me that some apartments have swimming pools, hot tubs and even theatres in them. I really hope our new apartment is something like that. (Sighs.) That would be great! Signing off for now, Amanda. (Closes her journal. SPOT OUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

CURTAIN UP: A week later in the lobby, which is filled with piles of boxes and a few suitcases. UNCLE BRAIN is leaning back on the couch, reading a science magazine. AMANDA stands in front of the couch, leaning on a large pile of boxes with her elbows.AMANDA: (With obvious distaste.) This place smells!UNCLE BRAIN: (Startles slightly from his reading.) Pardon?AMANDA: I said (Stresses each word.) this place smells! What are

these apartments called again? Distinctive Manor? Yeah, they’re distinctive all right! (Holds her nose.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Leans forward and sniffs the air. Thoughtful.) I cannot say that I detect such an odious odor as you are suggesting, Amanda. (Leans back on the couch and resumes reading.)

AMANDA: (Points.) I wouldn’t lean back in that couch if I were you, Uncle Brain.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Sits up slowly. Looks pensive. Serious.) Why is that, Amanda?

AMANDA: You could get… (Glances around again and wrinkles her nose with disgust.) …cooties!

BILL: (Gazes at the envelope, somewhat mystified, then starts to open it. Before he can pull the letter out, AMANDA ENTERS LEFT. She stomps into the lobby wearing a raincoat and rubber boots and covered in mud from head to foot. He stuffs the envelope into his pocket.) Acckkkk! Stop right there! I just cleaned this floor! I’ll be right back. Don’t move! (Hurries OUT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Aggravated. To herself.) How do I let Dad talk me into these things? I mean, couldn’t he have chosen some other occupation? Like anything other than a scientist? I’ve never seen anyone get so excited about mud and dirt! (Looks at her watch.) I hope this doesn’t take long. I have a bus to catch! (BILL RE-ENTERS RIGHT, carrying some newspaper, a spray bottle and a rag. He spreads the newspaper on the floor for her to step on.) I’m sorry. (Steps onto the newspaper and removes her boots.) I was just helping my dad out… (CHESTER’S hands and the top of his head appear from behind the couch as he listens in on the conversation.)

BILL: Out in that pool of mud next door… I know, I know. I saw you. And here I thought your family was—well, on second thought, unpack those boxes. You may fit in here nicely after all.

AMANDA: (Defensive.) What do you mean? How can you compare us to the folks who live here? We don’t walk pretend dogs, wear inner tubes, hide behind couches… (Points to the couch. We see a quick flash of movement from CHESTER as he ducks and removes his hands from the couch. BILL and AMANDA glance at the couch and give each other an odd look.) …or wear matching clothes and talk funny, nor do we have grand illusions about being movie stars!

BILL: No… but you do wade around and dig in mud puddles.AMANDA: We were doing an experiment.BILL: Your father wears a plastic bag instead of a raincoat.AMANDA: My dad likes to recycle.BILL: And I think I heard someone talking to themselves a minute

ago. (AMANDA looks embarrassed.) Well, whatever you say, my dear. (Sits on the couch.)

AMANDA: Besides, one of your tenants stole my dad’s raincoat.CHESTER: (Pops his head up from behind the couch.) I did not!

(Hides again.)BILL: (Glances casually over the back of the couch to speak to

CHESTER.) Chester, don’t you know that it’s very impolite to listen in on other people’s conversations? (Turns back to AMANDA.) You were saying?

PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a newspaper under his arm. Speaks to UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA. Looks OFF LEFT.) Oops, Bertha then. I always get them mixed up. I hope I didn’t offend her.

AMANDA: Don’t worry about it, Dad. I’m sure everyone’s on edge because of today’s news. Besides, you know Bertha and Gertrude—they’re offended by everything!

UNCLE BRAIN: It took some convincing, but you did succeed in stopping those surveyors from working near your experimental soil patch, Peter.

PETER: It’s just a temporary measure, but that’s all I’ll need if my plan works.

AMANDA: What is your plan, Dad? You haven’t let us in on it yet.PETER: Well, it’s simple, really. One of the surveyors mentioned that the

developer and the building’s owner are scheduled to have a meeting here in the lobby this afternoon. All we have to do is convince the developer that he doesn’t really want this location. We’re going to lead him to believe that his new development… his film studio… is about to be built in a very, shall we say, unhealthy environment. (Removes his raincoat and hangs it on the coat rack.)

AMANDA: How are you going to do that? There’s not enough time to organize all of our neighbors and let them in on your plan. Besides, they’re all busy packing and finding new places to live.

PETER: Elementary, my dear. We’re just going to let our neighbors be themselves!

AMANDA: That’s it? That’s your plan? I thought you’d come up with something better than that, especially when there’s so much at stake here!

PETER: (Patient.) Amanda, just trust me. Brain, can you do me a favor?

UNCLE BRAIN: Certainly.PETER: Casually mention to each of our neighbors that the owner

of the building—the one who is evicting them only one week from now—will also be in the lobby this afternoon to meet with the developer. That ought to ensure a good turn out, don’t you think?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Smiles thoughtfully.) Ah, I see where you’re going with this. I’ll take care of it. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Angry.) I don’t see it at all. (Quietly. To herself.) I can’t believe I stuck around for this! (Flops down on the couch. PETER sits next to her, opens his newspaper and begins to read. EUNICE, ERVIN and D. MOLISH ENTER LEFT. PETER continues to read the paper. AMANDA glowers at the floor.)

For the first part of ACT ONE, Scene Two, he wears a lab coat with a large, dark, round stain on the back. Later in Scene Two, he wears a new lab coat, without a stain. In ACT ONE, Scene Four, he wears rubber boots. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a lighter-colored raincoat.

PETER McGOWAN: Mismatched and disheveled clothes worn under a wrinkled, white lab coat. For ACT ONE, Scene Two, he wears a miner’s headlamp on his head, then later wears a motorcycle helmet, yellow rubber gloves and a plastic garbage bag as a raincoat. In ACT ONE, Scene Five, he wears “muddy” rubber boots, a “muddy” plastic garbage bag, “mud-splattered” lab goggles, a rain hat and rubber gloves. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a dark-colored raincoat (like Chester’s) and lab goggles on his head.

NORTHROP PENGULLY: Tweed suit, matching cap, dress shirt and tie, dress shoes.

MADAM MADELEINE LUFTKA: Bright and varied colors to express her exuberant personality (skirt, frilly blouse, boots or heels, wide-brimmed, floral hat). She wears an inner tube over the top of her clothing and carries a magnifying glass, except in ACT TWO, Scene Four, where she no longer wears the inner tube and wears glasses. In ACT ONE, Scene Two, she wears a cape.

CHESTER FIELD: Neutral-colored and outdated clothing to express his desire to “fade” into the background (gray pants, dress shirt, loafers or runners). He wears a dark, hooded raincoat in ACT ONE, Scenes Two and Five, and ACT TWO, Scene Two. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, he wears a security guard uniform.

BILL BUNION: Work clothes or overalls, a tool belt, work boots or shoes and a watch. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, he wears summer vacation clothes such as Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and sandals.

GLADYS GLUMP: 1950s glamorous “movie star” apparel. In ACT ONE, Scene Five, she wears sunglasses and a scarf tied dramatically over her head. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, she wears an evening dress, boa and heels. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, she wears a “mud mask” on her face and a smock. (If desired, and if resources are available, she could have a costume change for every scene.)

GERTRUDE/BERTHA/EUNICE: Matching outfits (or as close to matching as possible). Their clothing could consist of polyester skirts with matching jackets or blouses, shoes, purses and wigs. EUNICE needs a watch.

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UNCLE BRAIN: Ah, yes, cooties… pesky little things. Amanda, you really should strive to use correct terms. Cootie is a slang term for a louse. I am unsure of the origin of the word cootie, although I wonder… (Looks off as if lost in thought.) …oh, look, here’s one! (Reaches to pick something off AMANDA’S shoulder.)

AMANDA: (Shrieks. Jumps about, shakes her head and brushes off her shoulder.) Eewwwhh! Where is it? Get it off! Get it off!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Mildly amused.) Actually, there wasn’t one. I was merely testing a hypothesis that I had about your reaction to a potential louse… or cootie, as you call it.

AMANDA: (Stares at UNCLE BRAIN, aghast.) A hypothesis?UNCLE BRAIN: I was only making a joke, Amanda. You know…

humor… to lighten up the situation a bit.AMANDA: I didn’t find that very funny! I hate this apartment already!

(Gives a gentle kick to a box. Styrofoam packing pieces fall onto the floor.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Startled. Maintains his composure.) You know, hasty judgments are often regretted.

AMANDA: So are bad jokes! (Turns her back on UNCLE BRAIN, angrily crosses her arms in front of her chest.)

PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a miner’s headlamp and carrying two seemingly heavy boxes. Smiles.) Ah, I’m so glad to see that the two of you are getting reacquainted! (Pauses.) However, I could use some help moving these boxes upstairs to our apartment. (Excited.) By the way… (Sets down the boxes momentarily.) …did you see the gem I just unearthed from one of the boxes? My trusty old headlamp! Have I ever missed this fine piece of equipment! (Pensive.) I wonder how it got lost in the first place. (Picks up boxes and EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Sheepish.) Uh-oh! I hid Dad’s headlamp in the bottom of that box a few months ago.

UNCLE BRAIN: Why would you do that?AMANDA: Dad would always wear that thing when he took me to see

a movie. He said that it helped him to select good seats… and to avoid sitting in spilled soda.

UNCLE BRAIN: Did you ever end up sitting in spilled soda?AMANDA: No.UNCLE BRAIN: Well, then it was an effective measure.AMANDA: (Exasperated.) But it was embarrassing!UNCLE BRAIN: (Stands and picks up a box.) I think that sitting

in spilled soda would be embarrassing. (Turns his back to the

AMANDA: (Defensive.) We have good reasons for what we do.BILL: And the people who live here don’t?AMANDA: What possible reason could someone have for wearing an

inner tube and peering through a magnifying glass all the time?BILL: Maddie Luftka has very poor eyesight. She wears the inner

tube to keep from bumping into things, while the magnifying glass helps her to see. She can’t afford glasses.

AMANDA: (Stunned.) Oh… uh… I see.MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS LEFT “with Pretzel.” The leash has a

blue ribbon with a gold medal hanging from it. Excited.) Do excuse us for interrupting, but we just had to share our news. Pretzel won the dog competition today! (Beams.)

BILL: That’s great news, Northrop! (MR. PENGULLY crosses to EXIT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Just before MR. PENGULLY exits, AMANDA calls out to him. Suspicious.) Mr. Pengully, exactly which category did he win?

MR. PENGULLY: Why, the most innovative! While all the other dogs simply crawled through the eight-foot tunnel, Pretzel chose his own way. He climbed onto the roof of the tunnel and walked along the top of it! (Shakes his head.) Such a clever dog! (To Pretzel.) Let’s go and get you some treats, shall we? (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Stares after MR. PENGULLY for a moment and turns to BILL.) Well then, how do you explain the imaginary dog?

BILL: Did it ever occur to you that losing Pretzel caused Mr. Pengully so much sadness that in order to cope with his loneliness and loss, he imagines his dog is still with him?

AMANDA: No, I guess not. (Pauses.) You know, Maddie spoke to me today as if she believed Pretzel was real. Are her eyes so poor that she doesn’t see the truth?

BILL: She sees the truth better than you do.AMANDA: What do you mean?BILL: While she may have poor vision, her heart’s not blind. She

accepts Mr. Pengully, and the others, for who they are, foibles and all.

AMANDA: What about Miss Glump?GLADYS: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing sunglasses and a scarf tied over

her hair. She carries a huge pile of mail, dropping pieces as she goes.) Did I hear my name? Just a few more letters from my fan cub! (Fans herself with a letter, kisses it and gushes.) Such loyal and doting fans! (Crosses and EXITS RIGHT.)

RIGHT into the empty lobby. He glances around as if looking for someone, checks his watch, shrugs impatiently and then EXITS RIGHT. After a beat, EUNICE and ERVIN ENTER LEFT. EUNICE carries an umbrella, which she mimes shaking the rain off of then tucking it under her arm in the exact same manner as GERTRUDE and BERTHA in ACT ONE, Scene Two. ERVIN wears a trench coat and carries a binder and a pen.)

EUNICE: Where did all of these plants come from? I didn’t authorize this. And where did all of those trees and plants come from next door? They’re huge! It’s like a rainforest over there. The last time I sent someone to inspect this building, that lot was filled with nothing but mud. Ervin, when was the last building inspection?

ERVIN: (Flips pages in his binder.) Let me see… that was six months ago.

EUNICE: Six months ago? That’s impossible… improbable… impalpable for that much growth to take place in six months.

ERVIN: You know how much I hate to agree with you, Eunice, but you’re right.

EUNICE: This whole place is a jungle, inside and out. It’s high time that it was torn down! (Looks at her watch.) Now, where is that building manager of mine? Ervin, you did arrange for him to meet us here in the lobby, didn’t you?

ERVIN: Of course, Eunice. I even told him a time 15 minutes earlier than you stated, since I know how much you hate to be kept waiting.

EUNICE: Then where is he? Such tardiness is tacky and tasteless! (Looks at her watch again.) It looks like he’s not coming. He probably quit when he got my letter. Well, I’m not waiting any longer for him. Ervin, go and make sure that all of the tenants are making arrangements to move out.

ERVIN: Yes, Eunice. (Turns to EXIT RIGHT.)EUNICE: And make sure everything is in place for when the

developer, Mr. D. Molish, arrives.ERVIN: Yes, Eunice. (Tries to leave again.)EUNICE: And Ervin, phone the developer again to ensure he’ll be on

time for our meeting. I’m going to wait in the car.ERVIN: (Exasperated.) Yes, Eunice! (EXITS RIGHT. EUNICE EXITS

LEFT. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN ENTER LEFT, remove their raincoats, and hang them up on the coat rack.)

PETER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, excuse me, Gertrude.EUNICE’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Haughty.) My name’s not

Gertrude!

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One:Notebook, Amanda’s journal (UNCLE BRAIN)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO, Scene Two: Several potted plants and potted trees. An envelope with a letter inside remains hidden under the couch.

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Two:Potted plant (BILL)Fashion magazine, pressed face powder in a makeup

compact, feather boa, videocassette, file folder (GLADYS)Dark raincoat, lab goggles, test tubes, pencil, newspaper, lab

goggles (PETER)Raincoat (AMANDA, UNCLE BRAIN)Dark raincoat identical to Peter’s (CHESTER)Umbrella (EUNICE)Binder with paper in it, pen (ERVIN VICTION)Hat, coat, briefcase (D. MOLISH)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO, Scene Four: Walkie-talkie on couchBROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Four:

Journal, pen, blueprints (AMANDA)A magazine clearly showing the title “Thyme” (UNCLE BRAIN)Newspaper with the headline “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers

Super Soil!” (PETER)Shopping bags, “flamboyant, ugly” fabric (GERTRUDE)Shopping bags, “flamboyant, ugly” wallpaper (BERTHA)Shopping bags (EUNICE)Store parcels, packages, shopping bags (ERVIN)Glasses, a newspaper (MADAM LUFTKA)Pretzel’s leash, stuffed (or real) dog at the end of another leash to

represent Peanut, umbrella (MR. PENGULLY)Suitcase (BILL)Walkie-talkie (CHESTER)Several containers of “Gladys Glump” products (GLADYS)

SOUND EFFECTSSound of a garbled voice coming through a walkie-talkie.

COSTUMESAMANDA McGOWAN: Casual dress (jeans, T-shirt, running shoes or

sandals and a wrist watch). She wears a brightly colored raincoat and rubber boots for ACT ONE, Scene Five and ACT TWO, Scene Two.

UNCLE BRAIN: Neatly dressed in pants, shirt and tie, worn under a buttoned, white lab coat; dark framed glasses for a “brainy” look.

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AUDIENCE and picks up a box. He has a large, dark, round stain on the back of his lab coat. EXITS RIGHT. AMANDA peers at him, frowning. She picks up an empty soda can from the spot on the couch where he had been sitting and stares at it, then covers her mouth with her hand to stifle a giggle. Smiling to herself, she picks up some of the Styrofoam pieces. She reaches to pick up pieces from behind some boxes, obstructing her from the AUDIENCE.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS LEFT and pauses just inside the entrance. He carries an open umbrella and walks Pretzel, an imaginary dog represented by a stiffened leash with an open, empty collar to resemble a dog being walked. To Pretzel.) There now, Pretzel, did you enjoy your walk? It’s a tad nippy out there, isn’t it? (Mimes shaking the rain off his umbrella, then folds it up and tucks it under his arm.) I wish that this dratted rain would stop. We could certainly use a little sunshine in our lives. (Notices the boxes for the first time.) Oh, look! Someone is moving in! What a lovely surprise! (AMANDA peers from behind the boxes. She stares in disbelief first at the empty leash, then at MR. PENGULLY and back at the leash again.) What shall we have for dinner tonight? Does steak and kidney pie sound scrumptious to you? (Pauses.) Jolly good, then, I… (AMANDA stands up slowly. He sees her.) …oh, hello. I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.

AMANDA: (Slips out cautiously from behind the boxes, tongue-tied, eyes glued to the leash.) Uh, yeah, I was… uh… I was picking up these things. (Holds out some Styrofoam pieces. Drops a few on the ground.)

MR. PENGULLY: I see. No, no, Pretzel! (Tugs on the leash.) Those are not edible. I’ll get you some doggie treats when we get up to our apartment. (To AMANDA.) I need to keep my eye on him. He’ll eat anything, you know.

AMANDA: (Eyes him suspiciously.) Uh-huh… hmmmm. I see, so that’s your dog?

MR. PENGULLY: Why, yes. This is Pretzel! You’re frightened of him, is that it? You really don’t need to be. Pretzel’s a harmless, old dog. Go on… you can pet him if you like.

AMANDA: (Backs away.) No, that’s all right.MR. PENGULLY: Oh, go on, he likes you, I can tell.AMANDA: (Moves closer and bends down awkwardly to pat the

imaginary dog on the head.) Nice doggie.MR. PENGULLY: (Suddenly raises the leash as if the dog has jumped

on AMANDA. She jumps back in surprise.) No! No! Pretzel, down! We don’t jump on people! (Pulls the leash down to dog height

AMANDA: (Incredulous.) She has a fan club?BILL: No.AMANDA: Then where do all those letters come from?BILL: She sends them to herself. I’ve seen her mail them every week.

She spends a lot of money on postage. Someone who does that must be pretty lonely, don’t you think?

AMANDA: Yeah, I guess so. (Glances at her watch again.) Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about, Mr. Bunion, but I really—

BILL: While you’re thinking, let’s get rid of that mud before it cakes and falls on my clean floor. (Kneels on one knee next to AMANDA, clutches a piece of her coat and aims the spray bottle at it.)

CHESTER: (Rushes from behind the couch with a spray bottle.) Stop, don’t shoot! (To AMANDA.) Have no fear, I will protect you! (Sprays BILL with water.)

BILL: No, Chester, I’m just cleaning her coat. (Annoyed.) Chester! (Runs OFF LEFT, followed by CHESTER, who continues to spray him with water.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (ENTERS RIGHT. Amused.) Well, aren’t you a sight! You know, earth brown is definitely your color!

AMANDA: (Makes a face at him.) Thanks. (Picks up her rubber boots and turns to EXIT RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Examines the couch carefully, pats it and gingerly sits on it. Writes in his notepad. Speaks these lines imitating Gertrude and Bertha, but not mocking them.) Wait, Amanda. (AMANDA stops.) While you’ve been frolicking in the mud, I’ve been fraternizing with friendly folks, finding out fascinating features and facts.

AMANDA: You know, Uncle Brain, I really have to get upstairs and uh… (Stalls to think of an excuse.) …change my clothes.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Briefly looks up from his notes.) Going somewhere, are you? (Returns to his writing. AMANDA gives him a sharp look as if to say “How would you know?”) Curiously enough, Gertrude and Bertha have a triplet who was separated from them at birth. They’ve devoted their entire lives to searching for her.

AMANDA: (Disinterested.) Really? I didn’t know they were even speaking to us.

UNCLE BRAIN: Oh, they’ll talk… to anyone who will listen. (Rubs his ear.) They nearly talked my ear off. (Stops writing in his notebook and looks up at AMANDA.) People make such fascinating subjects for scientific study.

AMANDA: (Out of breath.) Dad! Dad, some surveyors have just arrived! They’re out in your garden and your mud— (Pauses.) Hey, Dad. You’re wearing your raincoat!

PETER: (Looks intently at AMANDA.) Well, yes. I unpacked the last box, and there it was… so, you were saying?

AMANDA: (Notices CHESTER. Distracted.) They’re… uh… setting up their equipment… uh… right in… (CHESTER gives AMANDA a smug, “I told you so” look, then EXITS LEFT.) …in the middle of your experimental puddle of… (Gapes at the LEFT EXIT.) …super soil.

PETER: (Anxious. Turns to UNCLE BRAIN.) What’s this about, Brain?

UNCLE BRAIN: When I inquired as to what was going on, I was informed that the land had been sold and a new development was underway. The foreman said that the developer was scheduled to arrive shortly and that he would not welcome trespassers on his private property.

PETER: Oh, dear, this could ruin everything! I must go and… (Starts to EXIT LEFT.)

GLADYS: (Glances up from her magazine.) Oh, didn’t Mr. Bunion tell you?

PETER: Tell us what, Gladys?GLADYS: (Speaks in a nonchalant manner.) That this building has

also been sold. Distinctive Manor is scheduled to be demolished next week. (Beams.) They’re going to build a new film studio! Isn’t that grand?

PETER: What?! That’s unheard of… one week!GLADYS: He didn’t tell you then. Typical, never a thought for others.

(Rises regally from the couch.) I’ve got to go and pack my things. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT. Calls out as she leaves.) Make sure you get me some of that mud before those surveyors stomp all over it! (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: Dad, what are we going to do? The surveyors will ruin your experimental super soil, and all of these people will lose their homes. We need to do something! (PETER looks pensive.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Amanda, I thought you believed that these people were, how did you put it, “a bit odd”? Now you’re crusading for their homes?

AMANDA: I guess you could say they’ve grown on me.PETER: Listen, don’t worry about a thing. I have a plan that just might

work. Let’s go out and speak with those surveyors. (He, UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA EXIT LEFT. After a beat, BILL ENTERS

PRODUCTION NOTESPROPERTIES

ONSTAGE: Coat rack, couch with mismatched (or missing) cushions, chair and/or coffee table or side table.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One:Journal with “PRIVATE!” written on the cover, a pen (AMANDA)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Two: Several moving boxes (some filled with Styrofoam packing pieces), a few suitcases, an empty soda can.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two:Science magazine (UNCLE BRAIN)Miner’s headlamp, two boxes, motorcycle helmet, swimming

goggles, yellow rubber gloves, plastic garbage bag (worn as a coat), fast food take-out bag (PETER)

Umbrella, a stiffened dog leash with an empty collar, handkerchief (MR. PENGULLY)

Magnifying glass (MADAM LUFTKA)Raincoat (CHESTER)Shopping bags, umbrellas (GERTRUDE, BERTHA)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Three: Desk, chair, wastepaper basket, typewriter or laptop computer, paper, pen, envelope.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Four:Large backpack, wallet with money in it, journal, pen (AMANDA)Rubber boots (UNCLE BRAIN)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Five: Stryofoam packing pieces (placed under the couch cushions as well as on the floor, under the couch), spray bottle filled with water (hidden behind the couch).

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Five:Sealed envelope, clipboard with a piece of paper and pen

attached to it (ERVIN)Raincoat, rubber boots covered in mud (AMANDA)Broom, dustpan, newspaper, spray bottle filled with water, rag

(BILL)Pretzel’s leash with a gold medal and blue ribbon attached to it,

coat, very long list (MR. PENGULLY)Sunglasses, scarf, handful of sealed, stamped envelopes

(GLADYS)Notepad, pen (UNCLE BRAIN)Raincoat, two spray bottles (CHESTER)Muddy plastic bag (worn as a raincoat), muddy boots, mud-

splattered goggles, rain hat, gloves, jar of mud (PETER)

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again and speaks to AMANDA.) Oh, I’m terribly sorry! He’s just excited to meet someone new. (Leans forward to stare at the front of AMANDA’S pants.) Uh-oh! (Looks up at AMANDA.) I’m sorry about that, too! (Points to AMANDA’S knees.)

AMANDA: (Baffled.) About what? (Glances down at the front of her pants and then stares back at MR. PENGULLY.)

MR. PENGULLY: What can I… let’s see here. (Pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and uses it to dab at AMANDA’S knees.)

AMANDA: (Aghast.) What are you doing?MR. PENGULLY: (Stops dabbing at AMANDA’S knees, clasps the

handkerchief in both hands, hunches slightly, awkwardly tilting his head to one side.) Oh, dear! Pretzel has managed to get some muddy paw prints on your pants.

AMANDA: (Stares down at her pants again.) I don’t see any paw prints.

MR. PENGULLY: (Leans forward and points at AMANDA’S knees.) They’re right—

AMANDA: (Interrupts, signals him to stop.) You know, it’s all right, really! Don’t worry about it.

MR. PENGULLY: (Straightens up.) Well, we must go and prepare our dinner. We have rather rumbly tummies, you know. (Pats his stomach.) It’s nice to have met you, my dear. Oh, I beg your pardon. We haven’t really met, have we? I don’t know your name.

AMANDA: It’s Amanda. Amanda McGowan.MR. PENGULLY: Mine’s Pengully. Northrop Pengully. And you’ve

already met Pretzel. It’s a real pleasure to meet you! (Turns to leave and calls over his shoulder.) Welcome to your new home, Amanda McGowan! (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: Uh… thanks. (Places her palm to her forehead.) How strange can you get? What has Dad gotten us into now? (Shakes her head.) I am definitely not staying here!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Pokes his head OUT, then ENTERS RIGHT. He wears a clean lab coat.) Amanda, do you plan to stand around musing all day, or do you think you could carry up a few boxes?

AMANDA: Uncle Brain, you will never believe what I just saw!UNCLE BRAIN: I am always prepared to suspend disbelief…AMANDA: (Pauses to give him a strange look.) I just met a guy

who—MADAM LUFTKA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Sings operatic

scales.) La la la la la la la. (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN both glance in the direction of MADAM LUFTKA’S voice.)

AMANDA: (Anxious.) Well, don’t let me keep you from your observations, Uncle. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT but stops as MR. PENGULLY ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.”)

MR. PENGULLY: Oh, Amanda, my dear, you’re still here… good! I have a small favor to ask of you.

AMANDA: Mr. Pengully, I really can’t. I have to—MR. PENGULLY: It will only take a short time. You see, I must get to

the shops before they close. I’ve run out of doggie treats and a few other items. Now, where’s my list? (Fumbles in his coat pocket and pulls out a very long list.) Ah, here it is! Anyway, I would like you to watch Pretzel for me while I’m out.

AMANDA: Well, actually, I—MR. PENGULLY: (Continues as if he hasn’t heard her.) The

shopkeepers don’t allow pets, and I hate to leave poor Pretzel tied up outside in this miserable rain. He gets lonely being by himself in the apartment, and he scratches the furniture. He’s taken such a liking to you that I know he’ll be perfectly happy. Thank you, dear! (Hurriedly hands AMANDA Pretzel’s leash and EXITS LEFT.)

AMANDA: But, I… (Stares after him as he leaves, then sits down on the arm of the couch and looks at her watch.) …this is so frustrating! (Gesticulates with the leash in her hand, waving it in the air.) I have important things to do too!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Watches her wave the leash around, following its motion with his head.) Uh… Amanda, poor Pretzel’s getting a little dizzy, don’t you think?

AMANDA: (Stops and looks up at the leash.) Oh, sorry, Pretzel! (Gently directs the leash back toward the ground and sighs.) Can I leave him with you, Uncle Brain? I’m sure he’d be okay with you.

UNCLE BRAIN: Now that won’t do, will it, Amanda? Can you imagine how betrayed Mr. Pengully would feel if he discovered that you had abandoned Pretzel?

AMANDA: I guess you’re right. I suppose I’m stuck here for the time being. (Stares at the ceiling. Quietly, to herself.) There’s always the next bus.

UNCLE BRAIN: What did you say?AMANDA: Oh, nothing! (Takes off her coat, lays it across her

knees and attempts to change the subject.) Uncle Brain, I was wondering, how did you get such a, well… interesting name?

UNCLE BRAIN: My parents—your grandparents—had intended to name me Brian, but when my birth certificate arrived, they

GLADYS: (Interrupts him. Impatient.) That’s nice. Do you think I could have some more of it? It did wonders for my pores.

PETER: Well, I don’t see why not—GLADYS: Good, please just leave some outside my door… it’s the

one with the star on it.PETER: (Starts to EXIT LEFT, hesitates and turns back.) Gladys…GLADYS: Yes. (Disinterested. Stares at her magazine.)PETER: Don’t you remember me?GLADYS: (Looks up, mildly startled.) Remember you? From where?PETER: From high school.GLADYS: High school? (Makes a dismissive gesture with her hand.)

That was another life.PETER: Maybe this will help. (Lowers the goggles over his eyes,

slicks back his hair and slides a pencil behind his ear.)GLADYS: (Peers curiously at him over her magazine, then drops it

suddenly.) Wait a minute. Yes, I do remember you now. You were that kid who always hung out in the science lab. Didn’t you blow up something in there once?

PETER: (Proud.) Yes, that was me. So you do remember me? (Puts his lab goggles back on top of his head.)

GLADYS: (Yawns.) Vaguely. (Returns to her magazine.) I see that you haven’t changed.

PETER: And so you’ve become an… (Hesitates.) …actress?GLADYS: (Brightens.) Of course, haven’t you seen any of my films?PETER: (Polite.) I’m not sure. Can you name some of them for me?GLADYS: Well, let me see, there have been so many. My first one

was “One Flew Over the Loony Bird’s Nest.” Then there was “Attack of the Killer Turnips,” followed by “And Then There Were Nuns.”

PETER: I’m sorry, Gladys. I’m afraid I haven’t heard of any of those movies.

GLADYS: How about “Titanic”?PETER: Why, yes! I’ve seen that one. What role did you play?GLADYS: (Proud.) I was a passenger… in the water. Do you

remember me?PETER: I… uh… no, I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t watch it very carefully.

(GLADYS rolls her eyes, mutters a little “Hrrmph” sound and goes back to her magazine. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN ENTER LEFT, each wearing a raincoat. CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT, wearing his dark raincoat. He lurks around UP CENTER.)

BILL: No, Chester… this is silly! (He and CHESTER continue the tug-of-war with the suitcase as they EXIT LEFT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “Then there’s Gladys. We found her up to her neck in mud next door. It turns out that when she headed over there in search of the developer, her heels got stuck in the mud. I guess she proceeded to sink from there. We were able to pull her out, but we never did recover her resumé, portfolio or videocassette. Surprisingly, she wasn’t upset by this loss. She said that being stuck in the mud had given her some time to think, and she had decided on a career change. Just last week, she launched the first of her Gladys Glump skin care products, which feature mud facial masks and body soaks.”

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT with mud on her face, carrying several containers of her products.) Would anyone like to buy some Glump Glamour products? (PETER and UNCLE BRAIN shake their heads. AMANDA hides her face behind her journal.) Well, you simply don’t know what you are missing! (EXITS LEFT in a huff.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Why do I get the feeling that I know where that mud came from?

PETER: Me, too, I guess I’ll have to tighten up on security next door.AMANDA: (Closes her journal and addresses the AUDIENCE.) As

for me, Uncle Brain and Dad… we’re all content to stay put for now. Dad’s happy because his work is next door and Uncle Brain is working as his assistant. Plus… (Picks up a roll of blue prints that are leaning against the couch and unrolls it.) …it looks like I’m going to get that swimming pool, hot tub and theatre after all. I’ve just had a sneak preview of the plans for the all-new Distinctive Manor!

END OF PLAY

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AMANDA: (Continues.) —a guy who walks an—MADAM LUFTKA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Sings louder.) La la

la la la la la.AMANDA: (Shouts over MADAM LUFTKA’S voice.) —who walks an

imaginary dog!UNCLE BRAIN: (Ignores AMANDA and stares with interest as

MADAM LUFTKA ENTERS LEFT.) Now, who is this, I wonder?MADAM LUFTKA: (Wears a cape and holds a magnifying glass in

front of her eyes. Removes her cape, draping it over one arm, to reveal an inner tube around her waist. Typical of how she always speaks, she sings the following lines in an operatic fashion, like someone playing scales on a piano.) Me me me me me me me, me me me me me me me, me me me me me… oh, my— (Stops and peers closely at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN through the magnifying glass. Speaks with a strong foreign accent.) Hello, zere, are you my new neighbors?

AMANDA: (Softly to herself.) Oh, I hope not.UNCLE BRAIN: (Raises his eyebrows at AMANDA. Steps forward

and extends his hand.) We are. I’m Brain McGowan, and this… (Gives AMANDA a little shove forward.) …is my niece, Amanda.

MADAM LUFTKA: My my my my my my my… how lovely it is to meet vit you. (Curtsies.) I do hope you vill stay a vile. Ze last people did not stay long.

AMANDA: (Under her breath, sarcastic.) I wonder why.MADAM LUFTKA: I am Madam Luftka, but you may call me Maddie,

short for Madeleine.UNCLE BRAIN: Are you an opera singer, Maddie?MADAM LUFTKA: Vell, I am flattered that you vould ask, sir, but no.

I do zese singing varm ups so zat my voice remains limber. You see, I need a strong voice to frighten off ze dozens of cats zat gather at night in ze vacant lot next door. (Looks at UNCLE BRAIN intensely.) Zey fight constantly outside my vindow.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Responds politely, with interest.) Cat fights… at night? How do you manage any sleep?

MADAM LUFTKA: It is much better now. I just hit ze high note… (Sings an ear-piercing note. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN cringe.) …and zey all scram, just like zat!

UNCLE BRAIN: Yes, I can see how that would be effective.AMANDA: (In a saccharine tone.) You should just send Pretzel out to

chase away all those cats.

noticed that someone had misspelled it. They kept it that way, deciding that fate had dictated that I would become the brains of the family.

AMANDA: (Somewhat delicately.) And did it turn out that way?UNCLE BRAIN: No, not at all. Your father turned out to be, by far,

the true brains of the family. (CHESTER ENTERS LEFT, wearing his raincoat with the hood up. He looks triumphant and pleased with himself. He moves furtively along the back wall, but he is not as wary as usual. He holds two spray bottles in his hands as if they are guns and blows on the ends of each of them as if he is blowing away smoke. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN regard CHESTER with curiosity. He tips his hood at AMANDA and then slinks behind the couch.)

AMANDA: (Turns to face UNCLE BRAIN, puzzled.) You know, this has just occurred to me… is Dad as… unusual as the people who live here at Distinctive Manor?

UNCLE BRAIN: Do you mean unusual as in rare, beyond the ordinary… or unusual as in odd or peculiar?

AMANDA: (Contemplative.) I mean unusual as in… (Pauses and glances in the direction of the couch where CHESTER disappeared.) …well, both rare and peculiar, I guess.

UNCLE BRAIN: Your father’s unique. He does his own thing. I’ve always admired him for that. Someday he’s going to discover something really great.

AMANDA: You think so?UNCLE BRAIN: I know it.PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, excitedly, carrying a jar of mud. He wears

muddy boots, a muddy plastic bag as a raincoat, mud-splattered goggles, a rain hat and gloves.) Eureka! Eureka! (Pauses to catch his breath.) I’ve made the ultimate discovery! Super soil! (UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA glance at each other in amazement.)

BERTHA: (ENTERS RIGHT with GERTRUDE.) Oh, dear, such a disgraceful, dreadful display! (Points accusingly at PETER.) Frolicking frivolously and foolishly around in mud puddles!

GERTRUDE: Shamefully soiling and saturating our lobby with sedimentary substances.

BERTHA: (Notices the jar of mud for the first time.) And… sneaking the soiled substances inside. (Grabs the jar from PETER.) I’ll dispose of that! (Turns to EXIT LEFT with the jar of mud. GLADYS ENTERS RIGHT and quickly crosses LEFT.)

PETER: No! No! You don’t understand! Wait!

powder her nose, then picks up her fashion magazine and reads it. ALL except GLADYS turn to leave.)

GERTRUDE: (Hisses at GLADYS.) Selfish!BERTHA: Self-centered!GERTRUDE: Self-indulged. Come along, Bertha! Let’s go pack. (She

and BERTHA EXIT RIGHT.)MADAM LUFTKA: (As she EXITS RIGHT.) Vell, at least I can say

good riddance to ze cats next door! Although, I have no idea vhere I vill go—

BILL: No, wait, folks, don’t start packing yet. Maddie, thanks for finding this letter. (Referring to letter.) Apparently, there’s even to be a meeting here this afternoon with the developer. This is distressing news, but there might be something we can do. (Holds onto MR. PENGULLY’S arm to detain him.) What do you think, Northrup?

MR. PENGULLY: What do I think? I think that I need to find myself and Pretzel a new home. (Leans down to pat and talk soothingly to Pretzel, then straightens up again.) And… I think that you need to start looking for a new job. There’s nothing you can do if the owner has already agreed to sell to a developer. The letter was quite clear on that point. Please excuse me, Bill. I have to go and read through the rental ads. Come along, Pretzel. (EXITS RIGHT.)

BILL: (To himself. Depressed.) It’s no use. Even if I update my resume, having “Manager of Distinctive Manor” written as my work experience won’t impress anyone. (Sighs.) I guess I should go and pack, too. (EXITS RIGHT. CHESTER, who is still behind the couch, with head and shoulders showing, begins to sob into the back of the couch.)

GLADYS: (Glares at CHESTER. Annoyed.) Do you mind? (CHESTER lets out another sob, gives her a hurt look, then gets up and EXITS RIGHT.)

PETER: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying empty test tubes and wearing lab goggles on his head and a dark raincoat identical to CHESTER’S. He gives CHESTER a concerned backwards glance. Crosses to the couch.) Hello, Gladys.

GLADYS: You’re just the person I wish to speak with.PETER: (Stops. Taken aback.) I am?GLADYS: Do you have any more of that mud?PETER: Why, yes, of course. I’ve just produced a large, new sample

of it. I didn’t realize that you were interested in my study. (Excited to share his news.) Did you know that just yesterday I presented my results to a group of respected scientists at the university and—

out more about this man who hides behind furniture and fears the unknown “Them.” He discovered that a Mr. Chester Field had wandered away from a retirement home for spies. Chester was quite distraught when he discovered that my uncle had determined his true identity. However, when Dad offered him a job as chief of security for his super soil experimental field, Chester was thrilled.” (SOUND EFFECT: A GARBLED VOICE COMING THROUGH A WALKIE-TALKIE.)

PETER: (Sets aside his newspaper and picks up the walkie-talkie from the couch near where he is sitting. Responds to the call.) Yes, Chester. Go ahead. (Pauses to listen as the unintelligible VOICE ON THE WALKIE-TALKIE CONTINUES.) Yes… mm-hmm… yes, I see. I agree. We’ll have to do something about those cats! What’s that? You’ve discovered who their leader is? That’s great. Thanks, Chester! Keep up the great work! Over and out. (Sets down the walkie-talkie.)

AMANDA: (Still reads as she writes.) “At Ervin’s insistence, Eunice gave Bill Bunion a substantial raise since he hadn’t received one in over 20 years. Ervin also insisted that Bill take a nice, long vacation to make up for the fact that he had never had one.”

BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a suitcase and wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and sandals.) I’m off! I trust that everything will be taken care of in my absence. (CHESTER ENTERS LEFT, wearing a security uniform with a walkie-talkie attached to the belt. Walks tall and proud.)

PETER: Don’t worry about a thing, Bill.BILL: (Places suitcase on the floor and shakes PETER’S hand.)

Thanks so much for everything!PETER: Please, don’t mention it. And have a great vacation!BILL: (Picks up his suitcase and attempts to EXIT LEFT. CHESTER

stands directly in his path. Annoyed.) Chester, excuse me, I have a plane to catch.

CHESTER: (Grabs a hold of BILL’S suitcase.) Not before I search your bag.

BILL: (Exasperated.) What? Chester, this is not necessary. (They start a tug-of-war over the suitcase.)

CHESTER: I’m chief of security—BILL: Yes… for the mud puddle next door.CHESTER: Has anyone unknown to you handled this suitcase?BILL: No, no one!CHESTER: Have you left this case unattended at any time?

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MADAM LUFTKA: Oh, so you have met Pretzel already? I am afraid zat he vould not be very effective. He is rather sedentary, you know. He vould not harm a flea, and his bark is much vorse zen his bite… if you know vat I say. Anyvays, I hate to be seeming rude, but I really must scurry. I have left my supper in ze oven. Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta. (Awkwardly bumps into both sides of the door frame as she EXITS RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Who is Pretzel?AMANDA: That’s what I was trying to tell you. He ‘s an imaginary

dog! He belongs to a man named Northrop Pengully.UNCLE BRAIN: Ah, I see, an imaginary dog… the best kind. Man’s

best friend without the barking, the fleas, the mess—AMANDA: No, seriously, Uncle Brain. Just wait until you meet them.

He even insisted that I pet the dog. And now there’s this Madam Loofa, or whatever her name is. Why do you think she uses that magnifying glass? And what’s with the inner tube around her waist?

UNCLE BRAIN: (With a perplexed look.) Is wearing an inner tube unusual? I didn’t know. It might be the latest fashion. It’s so hard to keep up with these things—

AMANDA: (Exasperated.) Really, Uncle Brain!PETER: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a motorcycle helmet, swimming

goggles, yellow rubber gloves and a plastic garbage bag as a raincoat.) Well, I’m off to pick up some take-out for dinner. Anyone want to come along for the ride?

UNCLE BRAIN: I think I’ll decline at this time, Peter.AMANDA: No, thanks! Uh… Dad, wait. (Stares at PETER.) Where’s

the new raincoat I bought you for Christmas?PETER: It must still be packed. I couldn’t find it anywhere. (Glances

down at his plastic bag.) But that’s okay, this will do for now. (AMANDA grimaces and rolls her eyes, but says nothing. PETER EXITS LEFT.)

PETER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, pardon me, I didn’t see you there. Are you all right?

CHESTER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT, speaks in staccato.) Fine, fine, just fine.

CHESTER: (ENTERS LEFT, backwards, wearing a dark, hooded raincoat with the hood pulled over his head. He moves in a furtive, stealthy manner, as if he is looking for something and afraid of being caught at the same time. Still backwards, he heads UP RIGHT behind the couch. He circles the couch, facing backwards.

GLADYS: Bertha, I see that you have found my mud mask solution. I have been searching everywhere for it. Hand it over! (Grabs the jar from BERTHA.)

PETER: (Grabs GLADYS’S arm as she is about to EXIT RIGHT.) No, ma’am, please. (GLADYS turns to glare at him. He stops in his tracks, stunned.) Gladys? Gladys Glump? (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN exchange a surprised look.)

GLADYS: Yes, the one and only. Kindly unhand me, sir. Autographs only between 11 and 11:30 a.m. (Removes his hand from her arm and EXITS RIGHT.)

PETER: (About to follow her.) Gladys, wait! About that mud—BILL: (ENTERS LEFT. Soaked from head to foot. Looks absolutely

dismayed by the mud on PETER’S boots. Crosses to stand near couch CENTER.) Mr. McGowan, sir, stop right there! I just finished cleaning up this lobby, and you are the second person to come tromping through here with muddy boots on! Please, please step outside! (PETER, UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA “with Pretzel” EXIT LEFT. BILL shakes the rain from his clothes, in the process knocking the envelope out of his pocket. It falls near the couch, unnoticed. He EXITS RIGHT. CHESTER appears from behind the couch, looking RIGHT to make sure BILL is gone. Unnoticed by BERTHA and GERTRUDE, he stealthily hides the envelope under the couch then furtively EXITS RIGHT.)

GERTRUDE: (She and BERTHA are now alone. They sit down next to each other on the couch, prim and proper, hands folded on their laps. Every move they make is exactly the same, i.e., they cross their legs in the same direction at the same time.) Well, really! Such behavior baffles my brain.

BERTHA: Befuddling!GERTRUDE: Boggling!BERTHA: Bewildering! (Pauses.) I wonder where Mr. Bunion

unearthed such unusual tenants? (Pauses again and then laughs out loud when she realizes she just uttered a pun.) Do you get it?

GERTRUDE: (Gives BERTHA a sideways glance for a moment before speaking.) Ah, yes, unearthed… dug up… found… mud, yes, I get it. Bertha, you are such a twit.

BERTHA: (Taken aback.) Twit? You mean wit? I’m such a wit!GERTRUDE: Yes, yes of course. I meant wit. You’re a wit.BERTHA: (Beams from the compliment. Both sit there quietly for

a moment. Gradually notices GERTRUDE’S shoes and sidles closer to her.) You know, those are really nice shoes, Gertrude.

BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, whistling cheerfully. Surprised by the crowd in the lobby.) Oh, hello, everyone!

BERTHA: (Moves towards BILL and points at him accusingly.) You… you treacherous, tricky traitor!

GERTRUDE: (Also moves towards BILL. Wags her finger menacingly.) Treasonous, truth-hiding turncoat!

BILL: (Shocked and confused.) Traitor? Turncoat? What are you talking about?

MR. PENGULLY: Mr. Bunion, allow me to explain, if you will. Maddie, here, stumbled upon a piece of your mail. Not realizing what it was or who it belonged to, she asked me to help her read it. (Holds out letter to BILL.) I’m sure you understand our concerns regarding its contents.

BILL: (Takes the letter without glancing at it.) No. (ALL except GLADYS look at him, shocked, then BILL realizes how his statement sounds.) I mean, no, I haven’t even had a chance to read this letter. In fact, I forgot all about it ’til just now. It was delivered weeks ago, but I guess I lost it before I ever read it.

MADAM LUFTKA: (Impatient.) Read it now, Bill.BILL: (Reads letter quickly. Shock registers on his face.) This building

is to be demolished… next week?ALL: (Except GLADYS.) Next week?!GLADYS: Is there an echo in here? (CHESTER makes a terrified

face and gasps, then flees behind the couch.)BILL: Unbelievable. Why?! This is completely unreasonable! I don’t

understand. I know the building is old and rundown, but I never expected this. This is so sudden.

GLADYS: (Unfazed by the news, she examines her nails and sits on the couch.) Well, William, I guess this lets you off the hook regarding those renovations you promised me. Now you can help me pack my clothes and move all of my things. I’ll find a new place, nearby… such a dream to be within walking distance of a film studio!

MADAM LUFTKA: Gladys, could you not be a little more sensitive? Has it not occurred to you how zis news affects everyvon else here? Zis has been our home for many years. How vill any of us afford a new place? (GLADYS shrugs indifferently.)

MR. PENGULLY: Gladys, do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?

GLADYS: (Looks at MR. PENGULLY as if this thought has never occurred to her.) No. (Takes out a makeup compact and begins to

GERTRUDE: (Pulls some flamboyant, ugly fabric from her bag and holds it up against the section of the couch between PETER and UNCLE BRAIN.) What do you think? I thought it would be perfect for reupholstering and refurbishing this ruined, rotten couch. (BERTHA and EUNICE nod in agreement and utter approval while PETER and UNCLE BRAIN glance at the material and give each other a pained look, then return to their reading.)

BERTHA: (Pulls out some similarly flamboyant, ugly wallpaper to show her sisters.) Look at what I found in the best bargains bin at Bargain Basement… what a steal! Isn’t it lovely, luscious wallpaper for the lobby?

GERTRUDE: Oh, yes! It will match marvelously with my material for the couch.

PETER: (Hesitates and looks at UNCLE BRAIN then EUNICE.) You know, Eunice, with the sum of money that I invested, you could hire several interior designers and buy all new furnishings.

EUNICE: Yes, Mr. McGowan, I realize that. But, it’s much more fun to do it this way! Come along, girls. Oh, and Ervin, you, too. We have carpet sale samples to select! (EXITS RIGHT with BERTHA and GERTRUDE. ERVIN, loaded down with packages, struggles to follow them.)

AMANDA: (Continues) “For all of her help pulling weeds next door, Dad designed some special glasses for Maddie Luftka. She no longer needs to wear an inner tube or use a magnifying glass to see. Since she can now read music, she has even joined her church choir.”

MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS LEFT. Holds a newspaper.) Hallelujah, hallelujah! Oh, how lovely it is to see properly! I can read ze paper now! (Stops to speak to PETER.) Did you know zat your name is in every newspaper zat I have picked up zis veek? (PETER nods modestly.) My my my my my my my. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “After we convinced Eunice to bend her rules about pets in the building, we bought Mr. Pengully a brand new dog. We thought that this new pet could replace Pretzel, but Mr. Pengully had different ideas about this…”

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT with two leashes, one empty to represent Pretzel and a new leash with a real or stuffed dog, Peanut.) Come along for your walk, Pretzel. You too, Peanut! I am so glad that the weather has finally cleared up. There’s nothing like the warmth of sunshine following weeks of rain! Besides, it’s difficult holding onto an umbrella when I have two leashes! (EXITS LEFT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “As for Chester… well… Uncle Brain’s scientific curiosity prompted him to do a bit of research to find

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When he finally faces forward, he acts terrorized to see UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA staring at him.) Ahhhhhhhh! Are you… (Whips his head around furtively.) …one of “Them”?

UNCLE BRAIN: Pardon me? No, I believe you would say that I’m one of “Us.” (Indicates himself and then AMANDA.)

CHESTER: (Relaxes.) Ah, such a relief. I couldn’t bear it if one of “Them” moved in here. (Conspiratorial.) “They” are everywhere, you know.

AMANDA: (Regards him suspiciously.) That raincoat looks really familiar. (Pauses.) Hey, I think that’s my dad’s raincoat!

CHESTER: (Hunches down and turns his face away from AMANDA. Peers at her out of the corner of his eyes.) No, no, no… not possible! It’s mine, I tell you. I… I… I found it.

AMANDA: Found it? Where?CHESTER: In… in a box… outside. (Cowers as he speaks.)AMANDA: Then it is my dad’s raincoat! That was one of our moving

boxes. You need to give—UNCLE BRAIN: (Interrupts AMANDA.) That will do, Amanda. I’m

certain that there are dozens of raincoats out there that look exactly like this one. (CHESTER nods vigorously. He lowers his voice.) Be careful, Amanda, things are not always what they seem. (CHESTER straightens up, relieved.)

AMANDA: (Continues to glare at CHESTER. With an impish grin, she points to herself.) You know, I’m one of “Them.”

UNCLE BRAIN: (Gives her a surprised look. Whispers.) Amanda!CHESTER: Oh… oh… oh, no! (Dives behind the couch.)UNCLE BRAIN: Sir, wait! She didn’t mean what she said. (Eyes

AMANDA steadily as he speaks.) She meant no harm. (Peers over the back of the couch at CHESTER.) Please come out. We’d like to introduce ourselves.

CHESTER: (Slowly inches out from behind the couch. Gives AMANDA a hurt and angry glare. Grips the couch and shakes his finger at AMANDA.) This is not a joking matter, you know.

AMANDA: You’re right, I’m not laughing.UNCLE BRAIN: (Intercedes.) We’re your new neighbors, Mr.… uh… ?CHESTER: (Looks around furtively and whispers, his upstage hand

shielding his mouth.) Mr. Field.UNCLE BRAIN: (Enthusiastically extends his hand to greet

CHESTER .) It’s nice to meet you Mr. Field. I’m—CHESTER: (Places his finger to his lips.) Shhhhh! (Glances around

wildly and waves his hands frantically.) Don’t say my name out loud!

GERTRUDE: Why, thank you, Bertha.BERTHA: Where did you get them?GERTRUDE: (Glances sideways, then stands up angrily.) I am not

telling you!BERTHA: (Stands up.) Why not? (They both move towards the EXIT

RIGHT as their argument heats up.)GERTRUDE: Because you will go out and buy the exact same pair.BERTHA: No, I wouldn’t do that.GERTRUDE: Yes you would!BERTHA: I would not. (Continues argument with GERTRUDE as

both move to EXIT RIGHT. CURTAIN.)End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

SPOTLIGHT UP: Three weeks later in front of the curtain, outside of Distinctive Manor. UNCLE BRAIN saunters back and forth DOWN RIGHT, browsing through his lab notebook. He notices he is also carrying AMANDA’S journal and holds it up.UNCLE BRAIN: What is this? I must have picked it up with my

lab notes by mistake. (Reads.) “Dear Diary, I have the most amazing news! Dad, though unusual, is truly a genius! He has finally made his greatest discovery… dirt! Don’t get me wrong, this is no ordinary dirt. It’s super soil! He claims that his scientific breakthrough will speed plant growth by ten times the normal rate, thereby increasing farming production tenfold. I still don’t understand what all of this means, but I do know he’s pretty excited about it. Actually, everyone in the building is excited. He almost lost his first sample when Gladys seized it, mistaking it for her mud mask solution. But, later, when Dad had a chance to explain what it was, she gave it back, somewhat reluctantly, I might add. Dad has planted a whole garden in the vacant lot next door to demonstrate to everyone his new soil’s effectiveness—”

AMANDA: (Calls from OFF RIGHT.) Uncle Brain? (ENTERS.) Here you are, Uncle Brain. Have you seen my journal?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Looks up from reading her journal.) Why, yes, I believe that I have seen it.

AMANDA: Where?UNCLE BRAIN: It’s right here. (Holds up journal and AMANDA takes

it.) Your cursive writing is quite good, you know, but your spelling

MADAM LUFTKA: (Holds the letter in her fist and shakes it at MR. PENGULLY.) Northrop, vould you please tell me vhat is written in zis letter. Does it affect us?

MR. PENGULLY: (Sad.) Yes, it definitely affects all of us. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA step forward at this news. CHESTER sneaks in close behind all of them.)

GERTRUDE: What’s this disappropriate display? Northrop, I demand that you have the decency to disclose the letter’s details!

MR. PENGULLY: Well, I don’t know… it is Mr. Bunion’s personal letter. (GLADYS ENTERS RIGHT. She lounges in the shadows UP RIGHT and listens to the conversation.)

BERTHA: And you said it affected all of us?CHESTER: (Comes out from his hiding spot and speaks. ALL are

startled.) Tell us, tell us, Northrop.GLADYS: (Leans against the couch next to the OTHERS.) Oh, do

spill the beans, Northrop. I so enjoy reading other people’s mail… the tedious details of their insignificant, little lives. It makes me appreciate the dramatic life that I’ve led. (Sighs. ALL stare at her, aghast. She shrugs off their shocked reaction and responds defensively.) Well, I’ve never read any of your mail, of course!

MR. PENGULLY: (Shakes his head at GLADYS.) Oh, all right. I’ll read it, but only because I believe we’ll hear about it sooner or later. (Takes the letter from MADAM LUFTKA.) The letter basically states that this building is scheduled to be demolished. Its land and the land next door are being sold to a developer who wishes to build a huge, new film studio on the site. The letter is signed by the building’s owner and co-signed by a… I can’t read the name, only the initial E—a Mr. E. Viction. (ALL are shocked except for GLADYS, who claps her hands together and looks heavenward.)

MADAM LUFTKA: Oh, no!GERTRUDE: Unbearable!BERTHA: Unbelievable!GLADYS: A film studio! Such wonderful news! (ALL ignore her.)CHESTER: (Panicked, glances around furtively.) Where… where…

where will we go? This is my… my… our home!MR. PENGULLY: I don’t know, my friends, it seems we’re in a bit of

a bind.GERTRUDE: (Takes the letter from MR. PENGULLY.) What else

does it say? (ALL except GLADYS gather in a semi-circle around the letter. They read silently.)

eavesdrops from behind the couch, a huge grin creeping across his face. EUNICE and ERVIN both stand up and each shakes hands with PETER.)

EUNICE: It’s a deal, Mr. McGowan! (CURTAIN.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

CURTAIN UP: Three months later. AMANDA ENTERS RIGHT and sits cross-legged on the floor DOWN RIGHT. She writes in her journal. UNCLE BRAIN, reading a magazine called “Thyme,” and PETER, reading a newspaper with a headline about himself, sit on the couch. A walkie-talkie lays on the couch near PETER.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, Things

have turned out much better than anyone could have expected. Dad’s super soil has made him an overnight success! His soil has been in huge demand ever since he presented his results at the university. He’s a hero among farmers and gardeners everywhere. He was even voted “Thyme” magazine’s Man of the Year”!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Holds up magazine, showing the title is “Thyme.”) Peter, I can’t get over it… you’re “Thyme’s” Man of the Year!

PETER: (Sets newspaper down that has the headline “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers ‘Super Soil’!” He shyly brushes off his brother’s admiration.) Yes, Brain, but this thyme is spelled t-h-y-m-e.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Picks up discarded newspaper.) You’re on the front page too! Look at this! (Reads.) “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers Super Soil.”

AMANDA: (Continues to talk to herself as she writes.) “As it turned out, Eunice also owned the vacant property next door to Distinctive Manor. She agreed to allow Dad to continue with his soil experimentation, and he agreed to invest some of his newly earned soil wealth into renovating and rebuilding Distinctive Manor. Much to the surprise and delight of Gertrude and Bertha, Eunice acknowledged that she is their sister and triplet. The three of them are now enjoying shopping together and making plans to redecorate the building.”

EUNICE: (ENTERS LEFT with GERTRUDE and BERTHA. Each carries a shopping bag while ERVIN trails behind, loaded down with packages and bags.) Ervin, do not drop any of those packages! There are full of frail and fragile light fixtures with fine filaments!

ERVIN: Yes, Eunice.

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BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, briskly and boldly. Points at CHESTER. Triumphant.) Ah-ha! There you are, Chester! (CHESTER gasps wildly and stifles a scream with his hands. Runs DOWN CENTER then EXITS LEFT. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN watch him leave, dumbfounded. BILL sinks into the couch with one hand supporting his back.) I’m getting much too old for this. (Nods at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.) You must be the new tenants, the McGowans. I’m Bill Bunion, the manager, the caretaker, the “you name it, it’s my job” man. Welcome to Distinctive Manor. You’ll have to pardon me if I don’t bother with your first names. I don’t expect you to stay long. Most new people don’t. (Sighs.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Points LEFT.) His name is Chester… Chester Field?

BILL: Yup! Good name for him too, since he spends so much time hiding behind it! (Pats the back of the couch.)

AMANDA: Why does he hide and run away? Are you who he calls “Them”?

BILL: Well, I’ve been trying to collect a rent check from him for over two months now. He’s rather paranoid, and he gets worse every year. I guess I’m “Them,” just as much as the postman’s “Them” and the utility man is “Them.” Heck, even Mr. Pengully’s dog is “Them” sometimes.

AMANDA: (Regards him suspiciously.) You don’t actually believe in Pretzel, do you?

BILL: Listen, my dear, in 20 years here, I’ve learned to believe in just about anything. But no, if it eases your mind, I don’t believe in Pretzel, at least not since the real Pretzel died several years ago.

UNCLE BRAIN: So there was once a real Pretzel? That makes sense.

AMANDA: What makes sense?BILL: Of course! He was a nice ol’ dog. Anyway… (Stands up slowly.)

I’m off to see if Chester is lurking about. (Turns to EXIT LEFT, then stops and turns back to UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA.) A word of advice—don’t unpack your boxes too quickly. (Turns again to EXIT LEFT.)

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Glides into the room, nose in the air and batting her eyelashes.) Oh, William… (BILL stops abruptly and turns toward her.) …a word, if you will?

BILL: (Sighs, rolls his eyes then turns towards GLADYS with an insincere smile.) Yes, Miss Glump? What can I do for you? I’m rather busy, as you can see. I’m helping our new neighbors settle into the building. (Indicates AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.)

requires a bit of work. “Genius” is spelled with a “g” not a “j” and breakthrough is one word. Your punctuation—

AMANDA: (Interrupts him, aghast.) Uncle Brain, you’re not supposed to read someone’s journal!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Surprised.) You’re not?AMANDA: No, that’s why it says “Private”! (Holds up the journal and

points out the word “private” on the cover.)UNCLE BRAIN: Do you mean private as in secret and personal, or

private as in for a small, select audience?AMANDA: (Frustrated.) I mean private as in private!UNCLE BRAIN: I see. Well, I’m glad we’re clear on that! By the way,

your dad needs our help pulling those giant weeds from his new garden. They’re real killers. (Holds his back.) That’s one side effect of super soil that he hadn’t counted on.

AMANDA: (Wry.) Yeah, I guess he’ll have to weed out that problem.UNCLE BRAIN: (Chuckles at her joke.) Ah, so you do have a sense

of humor! Amanda, you go ahead. I’ll join you in a bit. (EXITS CENTER.)

AMANDA: (Flips anxiously through her journal as she moves RIGHT and sits. To herself.) I can’t believe he read my journal! Hopefully he didn’t read about my plans to run away. (Starts writing, talking to herself as she goes along.) “Dear Diary, I don’t know what to do now. I almost want to stick around to see how Dad’s new experiment turns out. So far, it’s the first one he’s completed that hasn’t resulted in an explosion! Maybe I’ll just call Jenny and tell her to expect me later than we had arranged.” (Closes journal and EXITS CENTER.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

CURTAIN UP: That afternoon in the lobby of Distinctive Manor, now full of plants. BILL ENTERS LEFT, whistling and carrying a plant, which he places on the floor near the couch. He steps back to admire it.BILL: I have to say that a little greenery really improves the look of

this place! With my budget, I normally couldn’t afford these little extras, but with Mr. McGowan’s new greenhouse, these plants are readily available. It sure looks good. (Shifts the couch slightly UPSTAGE as he rearranges the furniture to fit nicely with the plants. In the process of moving the couch, the envelope from

ACT ONE, Scene Five is now revealed, though unnoticed by BILL. Smiles and starts to whistle again as he EXITS RIGHT.)

MADAM LUFTKA: (Sings with a hoarse voice as she ENTERS RIGHT.) La la la la la la la. (Speaks as if she has a cold.) Oh, it is no use. (Rubs her throat.) I feel a nasty cold coming on. (Sniffles.) It is probably from all zat tromping about in ze mud next door, helping the McGowans pull ze veeds. Vell, I do not mind. Zey is such a nice family, and it is for a goot cause. Super soil… vhat an exciting discovery! (Spots the letter on the ground, holds her magnifying glass to it and picks it up.) Vhat is zis? (Holds the letter at a distance from her face and moves the magnifying glass back and forth.) Oh, I vish my eyesight vas better! (MR. PENGULLY quietly ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.” She addresses him without turning around or taking her eyes off the letter.) Hello, Northrop. (Sniffles.) Hello, Pretzel!

MR. PENGULLY: How do you always know it’s us, Maddie?MADAM LUFTKA: (Turns to look at them.) I may not have goot

eyesight, but I do have excellent hearing. Besides, do you not zink it is time to clip Pretzel’s nails? I could hear zem clicking on ze floor as you came in.

MR. PENGULLY: (Smiles.) Why, yes, you’re quite right, Maddie. He does need his nails clipped. (Kneels down and pats his head.) Don’t you, old boy? (Stands up.) What are you reading?

MADAM LUFTKA: Vell, I do not know. Perhaps you could help me? Achoooo! (Sneezes on the letter before she hands it to him.) Here!

MR. PENGULLY: Uh, I’d be glad to. (Takes the letter, makes a face and turns away from MADAM LUFTKA to wipe the letter before he starts to read aloud.) Dear Mr. William Bunion… (Stops and looks at MADAM LUFTKA.) Where did you get this? It’s Bill Bunion’s personal mail. We should return it to him.

MADAM LUFTKA: I found it just now, on ze floor by ze couch.MR. PENGULLY: (Continues to read in silence. Responds out loud to

the letter as he reads.) Oh, dear… Oh, dear… (Shakes his head.) Oh, my… oh, my… (CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT, unnoticed by the two of them, and slinks behind the couch, listening intently. A worried expression comes across MR. PENGULLY’S face.)

MADAM LUFTKA: Vhat is it? Tell me!MR. PENGULLY: It’s not good, Maddie. (Continues to read silently

and shakes his head. MADAM LUFTKA tries to read with her magnifying glass over his shoulder and then out of frustration, grabs the letter from MR. PENGULLY. GERTRUDE and BERTHA ENTER RIGHT and wait at the entrance, listening with interest to the exchange between MR. PENGULLY and MADAM LUFTKA.)

EUNICE: (Depressed.) Now what am I going to do, Ervin? The sale of this building was going to save me from bankruptcy!

ERVIN: Are you actually asking my advice, Eunice?EUNICE: Is that not obvious?ERVIN: Well, usually you’re telling me what to do. You’ve never

asked my advice on anything.EUNICE: I am now.ERVIN: All right, then… (Pauses.) First of all, I think that you should

not reject your family. It is so obvious to the rest of us that you are their triplet.

EUNICE: (Sighs.) You’re right, Ervin. I was in such shock, I didn’t know what to do.

ERVIN: Are you actually agreeing with me, Eunice?EUNICE: (Frowns.) Yes, I am.ERVIN: I also think that instead of trying to sell Distinctive Manor, you

should find another investor and work with him on rebuilding and refurbishing it. Then, allow these tenants to stay at their current rental rate as part of a grandfather clause.

EUNICE: (Pensive.) Ervin, you know I like that first idea… the one about another investor. (Abrupt.) But, that second part… about not raising the rent… that’s just too generous for me.

ERVIN: (Scolds.) Eunice…EUNICE: (Begrudging.) Oh, all right! But where am I going to find

someone who would actually want to invest in this building, especially with its apparent problems?

PETER: I believe that I can help you with that! (EUNICE and ERVIN turn around, startled. He joins them on the couch.)

EUNICE: You? (Stands up to face him.) Aren’t you worried about leaching soil and the residual effects of power lines?

PETER: No, in fact, I’m a scientist and, with a little time and patience, I can… uh… (Quickly searches for an explanation.) …reverse the effects of those external factors.

ERVIN: (Dubious.) Really? And what about those tenants who have already been affected by it? (CHESTER pops his head up from behind the couch and only PETER sees him.)

PETER: I’m afraid that those… uh… side effects (Looks at CHESTER.) may be rather permanent. Anyway, I’m prepared to make you an offer you can’t refuse. (As the CURTAIN slowly begins to CLOSE, PETER explains his offer in mime to ERVIN and EUNICE, using his hands to occasionally indicate the land next door. CHESTER

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BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, briskly and boldly. Points at CHESTER. Triumphant.) Ah-ha! There you are, Chester! (CHESTER gasps wildly and stifles a scream with his hands. Runs DOWN CENTER then EXITS LEFT. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN watch him leave, dumbfounded. BILL sinks into the couch with one hand supporting his back.) I’m getting much too old for this. (Nods at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.) You must be the new tenants, the McGowans. I’m Bill Bunion, the manager, the caretaker, the “you name it, it’s my job” man. Welcome to Distinctive Manor. You’ll have to pardon me if I don’t bother with your first names. I don’t expect you to stay long. Most new people don’t. (Sighs.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Points LEFT.) His name is Chester… Chester Field?

BILL: Yup! Good name for him too, since he spends so much time hiding behind it! (Pats the back of the couch.)

AMANDA: Why does he hide and run away? Are you who he calls “Them”?

BILL: Well, I’ve been trying to collect a rent check from him for over two months now. He’s rather paranoid, and he gets worse every year. I guess I’m “Them,” just as much as the postman’s “Them” and the utility man is “Them.” Heck, even Mr. Pengully’s dog is “Them” sometimes.

AMANDA: (Regards him suspiciously.) You don’t actually believe in Pretzel, do you?

BILL: Listen, my dear, in 20 years here, I’ve learned to believe in just about anything. But no, if it eases your mind, I don’t believe in Pretzel, at least not since the real Pretzel died several years ago.

UNCLE BRAIN: So there was once a real Pretzel? That makes sense.

AMANDA: What makes sense?BILL: Of course! He was a nice ol’ dog. Anyway… (Stands up slowly.)

I’m off to see if Chester is lurking about. (Turns to EXIT LEFT, then stops and turns back to UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA.) A word of advice—don’t unpack your boxes too quickly. (Turns again to EXIT LEFT.)

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Glides into the room, nose in the air and batting her eyelashes.) Oh, William… (BILL stops abruptly and turns toward her.) …a word, if you will?

BILL: (Sighs, rolls his eyes then turns towards GLADYS with an insincere smile.) Yes, Miss Glump? What can I do for you? I’m rather busy, as you can see. I’m helping our new neighbors settle into the building. (Indicates AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.)

requires a bit of work. “Genius” is spelled with a “g” not a “j” and breakthrough is one word. Your punctuation—

AMANDA: (Interrupts him, aghast.) Uncle Brain, you’re not supposed to read someone’s journal!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Surprised.) You’re not?AMANDA: No, that’s why it says “Private”! (Holds up the journal and

points out the word “private” on the cover.)UNCLE BRAIN: Do you mean private as in secret and personal, or

private as in for a small, select audience?AMANDA: (Frustrated.) I mean private as in private!UNCLE BRAIN: I see. Well, I’m glad we’re clear on that! By the way,

your dad needs our help pulling those giant weeds from his new garden. They’re real killers. (Holds his back.) That’s one side effect of super soil that he hadn’t counted on.

AMANDA: (Wry.) Yeah, I guess he’ll have to weed out that problem.UNCLE BRAIN: (Chuckles at her joke.) Ah, so you do have a sense

of humor! Amanda, you go ahead. I’ll join you in a bit. (EXITS CENTER.)

AMANDA: (Flips anxiously through her journal as she moves RIGHT and sits. To herself.) I can’t believe he read my journal! Hopefully he didn’t read about my plans to run away. (Starts writing, talking to herself as she goes along.) “Dear Diary, I don’t know what to do now. I almost want to stick around to see how Dad’s new experiment turns out. So far, it’s the first one he’s completed that hasn’t resulted in an explosion! Maybe I’ll just call Jenny and tell her to expect me later than we had arranged.” (Closes journal and EXITS CENTER.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

CURTAIN UP: That afternoon in the lobby of Distinctive Manor, now full of plants. BILL ENTERS LEFT, whistling and carrying a plant, which he places on the floor near the couch. He steps back to admire it.BILL: I have to say that a little greenery really improves the look of

this place! With my budget, I normally couldn’t afford these little extras, but with Mr. McGowan’s new greenhouse, these plants are readily available. It sure looks good. (Shifts the couch slightly UPSTAGE as he rearranges the furniture to fit nicely with the plants. In the process of moving the couch, the envelope from

ACT ONE, Scene Five is now revealed, though unnoticed by BILL. Smiles and starts to whistle again as he EXITS RIGHT.)

MADAM LUFTKA: (Sings with a hoarse voice as she ENTERS RIGHT.) La la la la la la la. (Speaks as if she has a cold.) Oh, it is no use. (Rubs her throat.) I feel a nasty cold coming on. (Sniffles.) It is probably from all zat tromping about in ze mud next door, helping the McGowans pull ze veeds. Vell, I do not mind. Zey is such a nice family, and it is for a goot cause. Super soil… vhat an exciting discovery! (Spots the letter on the ground, holds her magnifying glass to it and picks it up.) Vhat is zis? (Holds the letter at a distance from her face and moves the magnifying glass back and forth.) Oh, I vish my eyesight vas better! (MR. PENGULLY quietly ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.” She addresses him without turning around or taking her eyes off the letter.) Hello, Northrop. (Sniffles.) Hello, Pretzel!

MR. PENGULLY: How do you always know it’s us, Maddie?MADAM LUFTKA: (Turns to look at them.) I may not have goot

eyesight, but I do have excellent hearing. Besides, do you not zink it is time to clip Pretzel’s nails? I could hear zem clicking on ze floor as you came in.

MR. PENGULLY: (Smiles.) Why, yes, you’re quite right, Maddie. He does need his nails clipped. (Kneels down and pats his head.) Don’t you, old boy? (Stands up.) What are you reading?

MADAM LUFTKA: Vell, I do not know. Perhaps you could help me? Achoooo! (Sneezes on the letter before she hands it to him.) Here!

MR. PENGULLY: Uh, I’d be glad to. (Takes the letter, makes a face and turns away from MADAM LUFTKA to wipe the letter before he starts to read aloud.) Dear Mr. William Bunion… (Stops and looks at MADAM LUFTKA.) Where did you get this? It’s Bill Bunion’s personal mail. We should return it to him.

MADAM LUFTKA: I found it just now, on ze floor by ze couch.MR. PENGULLY: (Continues to read in silence. Responds out loud to

the letter as he reads.) Oh, dear… Oh, dear… (Shakes his head.) Oh, my… oh, my… (CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT, unnoticed by the two of them, and slinks behind the couch, listening intently. A worried expression comes across MR. PENGULLY’S face.)

MADAM LUFTKA: Vhat is it? Tell me!MR. PENGULLY: It’s not good, Maddie. (Continues to read silently

and shakes his head. MADAM LUFTKA tries to read with her magnifying glass over his shoulder and then out of frustration, grabs the letter from MR. PENGULLY. GERTRUDE and BERTHA ENTER RIGHT and wait at the entrance, listening with interest to the exchange between MR. PENGULLY and MADAM LUFTKA.)

EUNICE: (Depressed.) Now what am I going to do, Ervin? The sale of this building was going to save me from bankruptcy!

ERVIN: Are you actually asking my advice, Eunice?EUNICE: Is that not obvious?ERVIN: Well, usually you’re telling me what to do. You’ve never

asked my advice on anything.EUNICE: I am now.ERVIN: All right, then… (Pauses.) First of all, I think that you should

not reject your family. It is so obvious to the rest of us that you are their triplet.

EUNICE: (Sighs.) You’re right, Ervin. I was in such shock, I didn’t know what to do.

ERVIN: Are you actually agreeing with me, Eunice?EUNICE: (Frowns.) Yes, I am.ERVIN: I also think that instead of trying to sell Distinctive Manor, you

should find another investor and work with him on rebuilding and refurbishing it. Then, allow these tenants to stay at their current rental rate as part of a grandfather clause.

EUNICE: (Pensive.) Ervin, you know I like that first idea… the one about another investor. (Abrupt.) But, that second part… about not raising the rent… that’s just too generous for me.

ERVIN: (Scolds.) Eunice…EUNICE: (Begrudging.) Oh, all right! But where am I going to find

someone who would actually want to invest in this building, especially with its apparent problems?

PETER: I believe that I can help you with that! (EUNICE and ERVIN turn around, startled. He joins them on the couch.)

EUNICE: You? (Stands up to face him.) Aren’t you worried about leaching soil and the residual effects of power lines?

PETER: No, in fact, I’m a scientist and, with a little time and patience, I can… uh… (Quickly searches for an explanation.) …reverse the effects of those external factors.

ERVIN: (Dubious.) Really? And what about those tenants who have already been affected by it? (CHESTER pops his head up from behind the couch and only PETER sees him.)

PETER: I’m afraid that those… uh… side effects (Looks at CHESTER.) may be rather permanent. Anyway, I’m prepared to make you an offer you can’t refuse. (As the CURTAIN slowly begins to CLOSE, PETER explains his offer in mime to ERVIN and EUNICE, using his hands to occasionally indicate the land next door. CHESTER

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When he finally faces forward, he acts terrorized to see UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA staring at him.) Ahhhhhhhh! Are you… (Whips his head around furtively.) …one of “Them”?

UNCLE BRAIN: Pardon me? No, I believe you would say that I’m one of “Us.” (Indicates himself and then AMANDA.)

CHESTER: (Relaxes.) Ah, such a relief. I couldn’t bear it if one of “Them” moved in here. (Conspiratorial.) “They” are everywhere, you know.

AMANDA: (Regards him suspiciously.) That raincoat looks really familiar. (Pauses.) Hey, I think that’s my dad’s raincoat!

CHESTER: (Hunches down and turns his face away from AMANDA. Peers at her out of the corner of his eyes.) No, no, no… not possible! It’s mine, I tell you. I… I… I found it.

AMANDA: Found it? Where?CHESTER: In… in a box… outside. (Cowers as he speaks.)AMANDA: Then it is my dad’s raincoat! That was one of our moving

boxes. You need to give—UNCLE BRAIN: (Interrupts AMANDA.) That will do, Amanda. I’m

certain that there are dozens of raincoats out there that look exactly like this one. (CHESTER nods vigorously. He lowers his voice.) Be careful, Amanda, things are not always what they seem. (CHESTER straightens up, relieved.)

AMANDA: (Continues to glare at CHESTER. With an impish grin, she points to herself.) You know, I’m one of “Them.”

UNCLE BRAIN: (Gives her a surprised look. Whispers.) Amanda!CHESTER: Oh… oh… oh, no! (Dives behind the couch.)UNCLE BRAIN: Sir, wait! She didn’t mean what she said. (Eyes

AMANDA steadily as he speaks.) She meant no harm. (Peers over the back of the couch at CHESTER.) Please come out. We’d like to introduce ourselves.

CHESTER: (Slowly inches out from behind the couch. Gives AMANDA a hurt and angry glare. Grips the couch and shakes his finger at AMANDA.) This is not a joking matter, you know.

AMANDA: You’re right, I’m not laughing.UNCLE BRAIN: (Intercedes.) We’re your new neighbors, Mr.… uh… ?CHESTER: (Looks around furtively and whispers, his upstage hand

shielding his mouth.) Mr. Field.UNCLE BRAIN: (Enthusiastically extends his hand to greet

CHESTER .) It’s nice to meet you Mr. Field. I’m—CHESTER: (Places his finger to his lips.) Shhhhh! (Glances around

wildly and waves his hands frantically.) Don’t say my name out loud!

GERTRUDE: Why, thank you, Bertha.BERTHA: Where did you get them?GERTRUDE: (Glances sideways, then stands up angrily.) I am not

telling you!BERTHA: (Stands up.) Why not? (They both move towards the EXIT

RIGHT as their argument heats up.)GERTRUDE: Because you will go out and buy the exact same pair.BERTHA: No, I wouldn’t do that.GERTRUDE: Yes you would!BERTHA: I would not. (Continues argument with GERTRUDE as

both move to EXIT RIGHT. CURTAIN.)End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

SPOTLIGHT UP: Three weeks later in front of the curtain, outside of Distinctive Manor. UNCLE BRAIN saunters back and forth DOWN RIGHT, browsing through his lab notebook. He notices he is also carrying AMANDA’S journal and holds it up.UNCLE BRAIN: What is this? I must have picked it up with my

lab notes by mistake. (Reads.) “Dear Diary, I have the most amazing news! Dad, though unusual, is truly a genius! He has finally made his greatest discovery… dirt! Don’t get me wrong, this is no ordinary dirt. It’s super soil! He claims that his scientific breakthrough will speed plant growth by ten times the normal rate, thereby increasing farming production tenfold. I still don’t understand what all of this means, but I do know he’s pretty excited about it. Actually, everyone in the building is excited. He almost lost his first sample when Gladys seized it, mistaking it for her mud mask solution. But, later, when Dad had a chance to explain what it was, she gave it back, somewhat reluctantly, I might add. Dad has planted a whole garden in the vacant lot next door to demonstrate to everyone his new soil’s effectiveness—”

AMANDA: (Calls from OFF RIGHT.) Uncle Brain? (ENTERS.) Here you are, Uncle Brain. Have you seen my journal?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Looks up from reading her journal.) Why, yes, I believe that I have seen it.

AMANDA: Where?UNCLE BRAIN: It’s right here. (Holds up journal and AMANDA takes

it.) Your cursive writing is quite good, you know, but your spelling

MADAM LUFTKA: (Holds the letter in her fist and shakes it at MR. PENGULLY.) Northrop, vould you please tell me vhat is written in zis letter. Does it affect us?

MR. PENGULLY: (Sad.) Yes, it definitely affects all of us. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA step forward at this news. CHESTER sneaks in close behind all of them.)

GERTRUDE: What’s this disappropriate display? Northrop, I demand that you have the decency to disclose the letter’s details!

MR. PENGULLY: Well, I don’t know… it is Mr. Bunion’s personal letter. (GLADYS ENTERS RIGHT. She lounges in the shadows UP RIGHT and listens to the conversation.)

BERTHA: And you said it affected all of us?CHESTER: (Comes out from his hiding spot and speaks. ALL are

startled.) Tell us, tell us, Northrop.GLADYS: (Leans against the couch next to the OTHERS.) Oh, do

spill the beans, Northrop. I so enjoy reading other people’s mail… the tedious details of their insignificant, little lives. It makes me appreciate the dramatic life that I’ve led. (Sighs. ALL stare at her, aghast. She shrugs off their shocked reaction and responds defensively.) Well, I’ve never read any of your mail, of course!

MR. PENGULLY: (Shakes his head at GLADYS.) Oh, all right. I’ll read it, but only because I believe we’ll hear about it sooner or later. (Takes the letter from MADAM LUFTKA.) The letter basically states that this building is scheduled to be demolished. Its land and the land next door are being sold to a developer who wishes to build a huge, new film studio on the site. The letter is signed by the building’s owner and co-signed by a… I can’t read the name, only the initial E—a Mr. E. Viction. (ALL are shocked except for GLADYS, who claps her hands together and looks heavenward.)

MADAM LUFTKA: Oh, no!GERTRUDE: Unbearable!BERTHA: Unbelievable!GLADYS: A film studio! Such wonderful news! (ALL ignore her.)CHESTER: (Panicked, glances around furtively.) Where… where…

where will we go? This is my… my… our home!MR. PENGULLY: I don’t know, my friends, it seems we’re in a bit of

a bind.GERTRUDE: (Takes the letter from MR. PENGULLY.) What else

does it say? (ALL except GLADYS gather in a semi-circle around the letter. They read silently.)

eavesdrops from behind the couch, a huge grin creeping across his face. EUNICE and ERVIN both stand up and each shakes hands with PETER.)

EUNICE: It’s a deal, Mr. McGowan! (CURTAIN.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

CURTAIN UP: Three months later. AMANDA ENTERS RIGHT and sits cross-legged on the floor DOWN RIGHT. She writes in her journal. UNCLE BRAIN, reading a magazine called “Thyme,” and PETER, reading a newspaper with a headline about himself, sit on the couch. A walkie-talkie lays on the couch near PETER.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, Things

have turned out much better than anyone could have expected. Dad’s super soil has made him an overnight success! His soil has been in huge demand ever since he presented his results at the university. He’s a hero among farmers and gardeners everywhere. He was even voted “Thyme” magazine’s Man of the Year”!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Holds up magazine, showing the title is “Thyme.”) Peter, I can’t get over it… you’re “Thyme’s” Man of the Year!

PETER: (Sets newspaper down that has the headline “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers ‘Super Soil’!” He shyly brushes off his brother’s admiration.) Yes, Brain, but this thyme is spelled t-h-y-m-e.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Picks up discarded newspaper.) You’re on the front page too! Look at this! (Reads.) “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers Super Soil.”

AMANDA: (Continues to talk to herself as she writes.) “As it turned out, Eunice also owned the vacant property next door to Distinctive Manor. She agreed to allow Dad to continue with his soil experimentation, and he agreed to invest some of his newly earned soil wealth into renovating and rebuilding Distinctive Manor. Much to the surprise and delight of Gertrude and Bertha, Eunice acknowledged that she is their sister and triplet. The three of them are now enjoying shopping together and making plans to redecorate the building.”

EUNICE: (ENTERS LEFT with GERTRUDE and BERTHA. Each carries a shopping bag while ERVIN trails behind, loaded down with packages and bags.) Ervin, do not drop any of those packages! There are full of frail and fragile light fixtures with fine filaments!

ERVIN: Yes, Eunice.

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MADAM LUFTKA: Oh, so you have met Pretzel already? I am afraid zat he vould not be very effective. He is rather sedentary, you know. He vould not harm a flea, and his bark is much vorse zen his bite… if you know vat I say. Anyvays, I hate to be seeming rude, but I really must scurry. I have left my supper in ze oven. Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta. (Awkwardly bumps into both sides of the door frame as she EXITS RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Who is Pretzel?AMANDA: That’s what I was trying to tell you. He ‘s an imaginary

dog! He belongs to a man named Northrop Pengully.UNCLE BRAIN: Ah, I see, an imaginary dog… the best kind. Man’s

best friend without the barking, the fleas, the mess—AMANDA: No, seriously, Uncle Brain. Just wait until you meet them.

He even insisted that I pet the dog. And now there’s this Madam Loofa, or whatever her name is. Why do you think she uses that magnifying glass? And what’s with the inner tube around her waist?

UNCLE BRAIN: (With a perplexed look.) Is wearing an inner tube unusual? I didn’t know. It might be the latest fashion. It’s so hard to keep up with these things—

AMANDA: (Exasperated.) Really, Uncle Brain!PETER: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a motorcycle helmet, swimming

goggles, yellow rubber gloves and a plastic garbage bag as a raincoat.) Well, I’m off to pick up some take-out for dinner. Anyone want to come along for the ride?

UNCLE BRAIN: I think I’ll decline at this time, Peter.AMANDA: No, thanks! Uh… Dad, wait. (Stares at PETER.) Where’s

the new raincoat I bought you for Christmas?PETER: It must still be packed. I couldn’t find it anywhere. (Glances

down at his plastic bag.) But that’s okay, this will do for now. (AMANDA grimaces and rolls her eyes, but says nothing. PETER EXITS LEFT.)

PETER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, pardon me, I didn’t see you there. Are you all right?

CHESTER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT, speaks in staccato.) Fine, fine, just fine.

CHESTER: (ENTERS LEFT, backwards, wearing a dark, hooded raincoat with the hood pulled over his head. He moves in a furtive, stealthy manner, as if he is looking for something and afraid of being caught at the same time. Still backwards, he heads UP RIGHT behind the couch. He circles the couch, facing backwards.

GLADYS: Bertha, I see that you have found my mud mask solution. I have been searching everywhere for it. Hand it over! (Grabs the jar from BERTHA.)

PETER: (Grabs GLADYS’S arm as she is about to EXIT RIGHT.) No, ma’am, please. (GLADYS turns to glare at him. He stops in his tracks, stunned.) Gladys? Gladys Glump? (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN exchange a surprised look.)

GLADYS: Yes, the one and only. Kindly unhand me, sir. Autographs only between 11 and 11:30 a.m. (Removes his hand from her arm and EXITS RIGHT.)

PETER: (About to follow her.) Gladys, wait! About that mud—BILL: (ENTERS LEFT. Soaked from head to foot. Looks absolutely

dismayed by the mud on PETER’S boots. Crosses to stand near couch CENTER.) Mr. McGowan, sir, stop right there! I just finished cleaning up this lobby, and you are the second person to come tromping through here with muddy boots on! Please, please step outside! (PETER, UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA “with Pretzel” EXIT LEFT. BILL shakes the rain from his clothes, in the process knocking the envelope out of his pocket. It falls near the couch, unnoticed. He EXITS RIGHT. CHESTER appears from behind the couch, looking RIGHT to make sure BILL is gone. Unnoticed by BERTHA and GERTRUDE, he stealthily hides the envelope under the couch then furtively EXITS RIGHT.)

GERTRUDE: (She and BERTHA are now alone. They sit down next to each other on the couch, prim and proper, hands folded on their laps. Every move they make is exactly the same, i.e., they cross their legs in the same direction at the same time.) Well, really! Such behavior baffles my brain.

BERTHA: Befuddling!GERTRUDE: Boggling!BERTHA: Bewildering! (Pauses.) I wonder where Mr. Bunion

unearthed such unusual tenants? (Pauses again and then laughs out loud when she realizes she just uttered a pun.) Do you get it?

GERTRUDE: (Gives BERTHA a sideways glance for a moment before speaking.) Ah, yes, unearthed… dug up… found… mud, yes, I get it. Bertha, you are such a twit.

BERTHA: (Taken aback.) Twit? You mean wit? I’m such a wit!GERTRUDE: Yes, yes of course. I meant wit. You’re a wit.BERTHA: (Beams from the compliment. Both sit there quietly for

a moment. Gradually notices GERTRUDE’S shoes and sidles closer to her.) You know, those are really nice shoes, Gertrude.

BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, whistling cheerfully. Surprised by the crowd in the lobby.) Oh, hello, everyone!

BERTHA: (Moves towards BILL and points at him accusingly.) You… you treacherous, tricky traitor!

GERTRUDE: (Also moves towards BILL. Wags her finger menacingly.) Treasonous, truth-hiding turncoat!

BILL: (Shocked and confused.) Traitor? Turncoat? What are you talking about?

MR. PENGULLY: Mr. Bunion, allow me to explain, if you will. Maddie, here, stumbled upon a piece of your mail. Not realizing what it was or who it belonged to, she asked me to help her read it. (Holds out letter to BILL.) I’m sure you understand our concerns regarding its contents.

BILL: (Takes the letter without glancing at it.) No. (ALL except GLADYS look at him, shocked, then BILL realizes how his statement sounds.) I mean, no, I haven’t even had a chance to read this letter. In fact, I forgot all about it ’til just now. It was delivered weeks ago, but I guess I lost it before I ever read it.

MADAM LUFTKA: (Impatient.) Read it now, Bill.BILL: (Reads letter quickly. Shock registers on his face.) This building

is to be demolished… next week?ALL: (Except GLADYS.) Next week?!GLADYS: Is there an echo in here? (CHESTER makes a terrified

face and gasps, then flees behind the couch.)BILL: Unbelievable. Why?! This is completely unreasonable! I don’t

understand. I know the building is old and rundown, but I never expected this. This is so sudden.

GLADYS: (Unfazed by the news, she examines her nails and sits on the couch.) Well, William, I guess this lets you off the hook regarding those renovations you promised me. Now you can help me pack my clothes and move all of my things. I’ll find a new place, nearby… such a dream to be within walking distance of a film studio!

MADAM LUFTKA: Gladys, could you not be a little more sensitive? Has it not occurred to you how zis news affects everyvon else here? Zis has been our home for many years. How vill any of us afford a new place? (GLADYS shrugs indifferently.)

MR. PENGULLY: Gladys, do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?

GLADYS: (Looks at MR. PENGULLY as if this thought has never occurred to her.) No. (Takes out a makeup compact and begins to

GERTRUDE: (Pulls some flamboyant, ugly fabric from her bag and holds it up against the section of the couch between PETER and UNCLE BRAIN.) What do you think? I thought it would be perfect for reupholstering and refurbishing this ruined, rotten couch. (BERTHA and EUNICE nod in agreement and utter approval while PETER and UNCLE BRAIN glance at the material and give each other a pained look, then return to their reading.)

BERTHA: (Pulls out some similarly flamboyant, ugly wallpaper to show her sisters.) Look at what I found in the best bargains bin at Bargain Basement… what a steal! Isn’t it lovely, luscious wallpaper for the lobby?

GERTRUDE: Oh, yes! It will match marvelously with my material for the couch.

PETER: (Hesitates and looks at UNCLE BRAIN then EUNICE.) You know, Eunice, with the sum of money that I invested, you could hire several interior designers and buy all new furnishings.

EUNICE: Yes, Mr. McGowan, I realize that. But, it’s much more fun to do it this way! Come along, girls. Oh, and Ervin, you, too. We have carpet sale samples to select! (EXITS RIGHT with BERTHA and GERTRUDE. ERVIN, loaded down with packages, struggles to follow them.)

AMANDA: (Continues) “For all of her help pulling weeds next door, Dad designed some special glasses for Maddie Luftka. She no longer needs to wear an inner tube or use a magnifying glass to see. Since she can now read music, she has even joined her church choir.”

MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS LEFT. Holds a newspaper.) Hallelujah, hallelujah! Oh, how lovely it is to see properly! I can read ze paper now! (Stops to speak to PETER.) Did you know zat your name is in every newspaper zat I have picked up zis veek? (PETER nods modestly.) My my my my my my my. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “After we convinced Eunice to bend her rules about pets in the building, we bought Mr. Pengully a brand new dog. We thought that this new pet could replace Pretzel, but Mr. Pengully had different ideas about this…”

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT with two leashes, one empty to represent Pretzel and a new leash with a real or stuffed dog, Peanut.) Come along for your walk, Pretzel. You too, Peanut! I am so glad that the weather has finally cleared up. There’s nothing like the warmth of sunshine following weeks of rain! Besides, it’s difficult holding onto an umbrella when I have two leashes! (EXITS LEFT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “As for Chester… well… Uncle Brain’s scientific curiosity prompted him to do a bit of research to find

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AMANDA: (Continues.) —a guy who walks an—MADAM LUFTKA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Sings louder.) La la

la la la la la.AMANDA: (Shouts over MADAM LUFTKA’S voice.) —who walks an

imaginary dog!UNCLE BRAIN: (Ignores AMANDA and stares with interest as

MADAM LUFTKA ENTERS LEFT.) Now, who is this, I wonder?MADAM LUFTKA: (Wears a cape and holds a magnifying glass in

front of her eyes. Removes her cape, draping it over one arm, to reveal an inner tube around her waist. Typical of how she always speaks, she sings the following lines in an operatic fashion, like someone playing scales on a piano.) Me me me me me me me, me me me me me me me, me me me me me… oh, my— (Stops and peers closely at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN through the magnifying glass. Speaks with a strong foreign accent.) Hello, zere, are you my new neighbors?

AMANDA: (Softly to herself.) Oh, I hope not.UNCLE BRAIN: (Raises his eyebrows at AMANDA. Steps forward

and extends his hand.) We are. I’m Brain McGowan, and this… (Gives AMANDA a little shove forward.) …is my niece, Amanda.

MADAM LUFTKA: My my my my my my my… how lovely it is to meet vit you. (Curtsies.) I do hope you vill stay a vile. Ze last people did not stay long.

AMANDA: (Under her breath, sarcastic.) I wonder why.MADAM LUFTKA: I am Madam Luftka, but you may call me Maddie,

short for Madeleine.UNCLE BRAIN: Are you an opera singer, Maddie?MADAM LUFTKA: Vell, I am flattered that you vould ask, sir, but no.

I do zese singing varm ups so zat my voice remains limber. You see, I need a strong voice to frighten off ze dozens of cats zat gather at night in ze vacant lot next door. (Looks at UNCLE BRAIN intensely.) Zey fight constantly outside my vindow.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Responds politely, with interest.) Cat fights… at night? How do you manage any sleep?

MADAM LUFTKA: It is much better now. I just hit ze high note… (Sings an ear-piercing note. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN cringe.) …and zey all scram, just like zat!

UNCLE BRAIN: Yes, I can see how that would be effective.AMANDA: (In a saccharine tone.) You should just send Pretzel out to

chase away all those cats.

noticed that someone had misspelled it. They kept it that way, deciding that fate had dictated that I would become the brains of the family.

AMANDA: (Somewhat delicately.) And did it turn out that way?UNCLE BRAIN: No, not at all. Your father turned out to be, by far,

the true brains of the family. (CHESTER ENTERS LEFT, wearing his raincoat with the hood up. He looks triumphant and pleased with himself. He moves furtively along the back wall, but he is not as wary as usual. He holds two spray bottles in his hands as if they are guns and blows on the ends of each of them as if he is blowing away smoke. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN regard CHESTER with curiosity. He tips his hood at AMANDA and then slinks behind the couch.)

AMANDA: (Turns to face UNCLE BRAIN, puzzled.) You know, this has just occurred to me… is Dad as… unusual as the people who live here at Distinctive Manor?

UNCLE BRAIN: Do you mean unusual as in rare, beyond the ordinary… or unusual as in odd or peculiar?

AMANDA: (Contemplative.) I mean unusual as in… (Pauses and glances in the direction of the couch where CHESTER disappeared.) …well, both rare and peculiar, I guess.

UNCLE BRAIN: Your father’s unique. He does his own thing. I’ve always admired him for that. Someday he’s going to discover something really great.

AMANDA: You think so?UNCLE BRAIN: I know it.PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, excitedly, carrying a jar of mud. He wears

muddy boots, a muddy plastic bag as a raincoat, mud-splattered goggles, a rain hat and gloves.) Eureka! Eureka! (Pauses to catch his breath.) I’ve made the ultimate discovery! Super soil! (UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA glance at each other in amazement.)

BERTHA: (ENTERS RIGHT with GERTRUDE.) Oh, dear, such a disgraceful, dreadful display! (Points accusingly at PETER.) Frolicking frivolously and foolishly around in mud puddles!

GERTRUDE: Shamefully soiling and saturating our lobby with sedimentary substances.

BERTHA: (Notices the jar of mud for the first time.) And… sneaking the soiled substances inside. (Grabs the jar from PETER.) I’ll dispose of that! (Turns to EXIT LEFT with the jar of mud. GLADYS ENTERS RIGHT and quickly crosses LEFT.)

PETER: No! No! You don’t understand! Wait!

powder her nose, then picks up her fashion magazine and reads it. ALL except GLADYS turn to leave.)

GERTRUDE: (Hisses at GLADYS.) Selfish!BERTHA: Self-centered!GERTRUDE: Self-indulged. Come along, Bertha! Let’s go pack. (She

and BERTHA EXIT RIGHT.)MADAM LUFTKA: (As she EXITS RIGHT.) Vell, at least I can say

good riddance to ze cats next door! Although, I have no idea vhere I vill go—

BILL: No, wait, folks, don’t start packing yet. Maddie, thanks for finding this letter. (Referring to letter.) Apparently, there’s even to be a meeting here this afternoon with the developer. This is distressing news, but there might be something we can do. (Holds onto MR. PENGULLY’S arm to detain him.) What do you think, Northrup?

MR. PENGULLY: What do I think? I think that I need to find myself and Pretzel a new home. (Leans down to pat and talk soothingly to Pretzel, then straightens up again.) And… I think that you need to start looking for a new job. There’s nothing you can do if the owner has already agreed to sell to a developer. The letter was quite clear on that point. Please excuse me, Bill. I have to go and read through the rental ads. Come along, Pretzel. (EXITS RIGHT.)

BILL: (To himself. Depressed.) It’s no use. Even if I update my resume, having “Manager of Distinctive Manor” written as my work experience won’t impress anyone. (Sighs.) I guess I should go and pack, too. (EXITS RIGHT. CHESTER, who is still behind the couch, with head and shoulders showing, begins to sob into the back of the couch.)

GLADYS: (Glares at CHESTER. Annoyed.) Do you mind? (CHESTER lets out another sob, gives her a hurt look, then gets up and EXITS RIGHT.)

PETER: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying empty test tubes and wearing lab goggles on his head and a dark raincoat identical to CHESTER’S. He gives CHESTER a concerned backwards glance. Crosses to the couch.) Hello, Gladys.

GLADYS: You’re just the person I wish to speak with.PETER: (Stops. Taken aback.) I am?GLADYS: Do you have any more of that mud?PETER: Why, yes, of course. I’ve just produced a large, new sample

of it. I didn’t realize that you were interested in my study. (Excited to share his news.) Did you know that just yesterday I presented my results to a group of respected scientists at the university and—

out more about this man who hides behind furniture and fears the unknown “Them.” He discovered that a Mr. Chester Field had wandered away from a retirement home for spies. Chester was quite distraught when he discovered that my uncle had determined his true identity. However, when Dad offered him a job as chief of security for his super soil experimental field, Chester was thrilled.” (SOUND EFFECT: A GARBLED VOICE COMING THROUGH A WALKIE-TALKIE.)

PETER: (Sets aside his newspaper and picks up the walkie-talkie from the couch near where he is sitting. Responds to the call.) Yes, Chester. Go ahead. (Pauses to listen as the unintelligible VOICE ON THE WALKIE-TALKIE CONTINUES.) Yes… mm-hmm… yes, I see. I agree. We’ll have to do something about those cats! What’s that? You’ve discovered who their leader is? That’s great. Thanks, Chester! Keep up the great work! Over and out. (Sets down the walkie-talkie.)

AMANDA: (Still reads as she writes.) “At Ervin’s insistence, Eunice gave Bill Bunion a substantial raise since he hadn’t received one in over 20 years. Ervin also insisted that Bill take a nice, long vacation to make up for the fact that he had never had one.”

BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a suitcase and wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and sandals.) I’m off! I trust that everything will be taken care of in my absence. (CHESTER ENTERS LEFT, wearing a security uniform with a walkie-talkie attached to the belt. Walks tall and proud.)

PETER: Don’t worry about a thing, Bill.BILL: (Places suitcase on the floor and shakes PETER’S hand.)

Thanks so much for everything!PETER: Please, don’t mention it. And have a great vacation!BILL: (Picks up his suitcase and attempts to EXIT LEFT. CHESTER

stands directly in his path. Annoyed.) Chester, excuse me, I have a plane to catch.

CHESTER: (Grabs a hold of BILL’S suitcase.) Not before I search your bag.

BILL: (Exasperated.) What? Chester, this is not necessary. (They start a tug-of-war over the suitcase.)

CHESTER: I’m chief of security—BILL: Yes… for the mud puddle next door.CHESTER: Has anyone unknown to you handled this suitcase?BILL: No, no one!CHESTER: Have you left this case unattended at any time?

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again and speaks to AMANDA.) Oh, I’m terribly sorry! He’s just excited to meet someone new. (Leans forward to stare at the front of AMANDA’S pants.) Uh-oh! (Looks up at AMANDA.) I’m sorry about that, too! (Points to AMANDA’S knees.)

AMANDA: (Baffled.) About what? (Glances down at the front of her pants and then stares back at MR. PENGULLY.)

MR. PENGULLY: What can I… let’s see here. (Pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and uses it to dab at AMANDA’S knees.)

AMANDA: (Aghast.) What are you doing?MR. PENGULLY: (Stops dabbing at AMANDA’S knees, clasps the

handkerchief in both hands, hunches slightly, awkwardly tilting his head to one side.) Oh, dear! Pretzel has managed to get some muddy paw prints on your pants.

AMANDA: (Stares down at her pants again.) I don’t see any paw prints.

MR. PENGULLY: (Leans forward and points at AMANDA’S knees.) They’re right—

AMANDA: (Interrupts, signals him to stop.) You know, it’s all right, really! Don’t worry about it.

MR. PENGULLY: (Straightens up.) Well, we must go and prepare our dinner. We have rather rumbly tummies, you know. (Pats his stomach.) It’s nice to have met you, my dear. Oh, I beg your pardon. We haven’t really met, have we? I don’t know your name.

AMANDA: It’s Amanda. Amanda McGowan.MR. PENGULLY: Mine’s Pengully. Northrop Pengully. And you’ve

already met Pretzel. It’s a real pleasure to meet you! (Turns to leave and calls over his shoulder.) Welcome to your new home, Amanda McGowan! (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: Uh… thanks. (Places her palm to her forehead.) How strange can you get? What has Dad gotten us into now? (Shakes her head.) I am definitely not staying here!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Pokes his head OUT, then ENTERS RIGHT. He wears a clean lab coat.) Amanda, do you plan to stand around musing all day, or do you think you could carry up a few boxes?

AMANDA: Uncle Brain, you will never believe what I just saw!UNCLE BRAIN: I am always prepared to suspend disbelief…AMANDA: (Pauses to give him a strange look.) I just met a guy

who—MADAM LUFTKA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Sings operatic

scales.) La la la la la la la. (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN both glance in the direction of MADAM LUFTKA’S voice.)

AMANDA: (Anxious.) Well, don’t let me keep you from your observations, Uncle. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT but stops as MR. PENGULLY ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.”)

MR. PENGULLY: Oh, Amanda, my dear, you’re still here… good! I have a small favor to ask of you.

AMANDA: Mr. Pengully, I really can’t. I have to—MR. PENGULLY: It will only take a short time. You see, I must get to

the shops before they close. I’ve run out of doggie treats and a few other items. Now, where’s my list? (Fumbles in his coat pocket and pulls out a very long list.) Ah, here it is! Anyway, I would like you to watch Pretzel for me while I’m out.

AMANDA: Well, actually, I—MR. PENGULLY: (Continues as if he hasn’t heard her.) The

shopkeepers don’t allow pets, and I hate to leave poor Pretzel tied up outside in this miserable rain. He gets lonely being by himself in the apartment, and he scratches the furniture. He’s taken such a liking to you that I know he’ll be perfectly happy. Thank you, dear! (Hurriedly hands AMANDA Pretzel’s leash and EXITS LEFT.)

AMANDA: But, I… (Stares after him as he leaves, then sits down on the arm of the couch and looks at her watch.) …this is so frustrating! (Gesticulates with the leash in her hand, waving it in the air.) I have important things to do too!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Watches her wave the leash around, following its motion with his head.) Uh… Amanda, poor Pretzel’s getting a little dizzy, don’t you think?

AMANDA: (Stops and looks up at the leash.) Oh, sorry, Pretzel! (Gently directs the leash back toward the ground and sighs.) Can I leave him with you, Uncle Brain? I’m sure he’d be okay with you.

UNCLE BRAIN: Now that won’t do, will it, Amanda? Can you imagine how betrayed Mr. Pengully would feel if he discovered that you had abandoned Pretzel?

AMANDA: I guess you’re right. I suppose I’m stuck here for the time being. (Stares at the ceiling. Quietly, to herself.) There’s always the next bus.

UNCLE BRAIN: What did you say?AMANDA: Oh, nothing! (Takes off her coat, lays it across her

knees and attempts to change the subject.) Uncle Brain, I was wondering, how did you get such a, well… interesting name?

UNCLE BRAIN: My parents—your grandparents—had intended to name me Brian, but when my birth certificate arrived, they

GLADYS: (Interrupts him. Impatient.) That’s nice. Do you think I could have some more of it? It did wonders for my pores.

PETER: Well, I don’t see why not—GLADYS: Good, please just leave some outside my door… it’s the

one with the star on it.PETER: (Starts to EXIT LEFT, hesitates and turns back.) Gladys…GLADYS: Yes. (Disinterested. Stares at her magazine.)PETER: Don’t you remember me?GLADYS: (Looks up, mildly startled.) Remember you? From where?PETER: From high school.GLADYS: High school? (Makes a dismissive gesture with her hand.)

That was another life.PETER: Maybe this will help. (Lowers the goggles over his eyes,

slicks back his hair and slides a pencil behind his ear.)GLADYS: (Peers curiously at him over her magazine, then drops it

suddenly.) Wait a minute. Yes, I do remember you now. You were that kid who always hung out in the science lab. Didn’t you blow up something in there once?

PETER: (Proud.) Yes, that was me. So you do remember me? (Puts his lab goggles back on top of his head.)

GLADYS: (Yawns.) Vaguely. (Returns to her magazine.) I see that you haven’t changed.

PETER: And so you’ve become an… (Hesitates.) …actress?GLADYS: (Brightens.) Of course, haven’t you seen any of my films?PETER: (Polite.) I’m not sure. Can you name some of them for me?GLADYS: Well, let me see, there have been so many. My first one

was “One Flew Over the Loony Bird’s Nest.” Then there was “Attack of the Killer Turnips,” followed by “And Then There Were Nuns.”

PETER: I’m sorry, Gladys. I’m afraid I haven’t heard of any of those movies.

GLADYS: How about “Titanic”?PETER: Why, yes! I’ve seen that one. What role did you play?GLADYS: (Proud.) I was a passenger… in the water. Do you

remember me?PETER: I… uh… no, I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t watch it very carefully.

(GLADYS rolls her eyes, mutters a little “Hrrmph” sound and goes back to her magazine. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN ENTER LEFT, each wearing a raincoat. CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT, wearing his dark raincoat. He lurks around UP CENTER.)

BILL: No, Chester… this is silly! (He and CHESTER continue the tug-of-war with the suitcase as they EXIT LEFT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “Then there’s Gladys. We found her up to her neck in mud next door. It turns out that when she headed over there in search of the developer, her heels got stuck in the mud. I guess she proceeded to sink from there. We were able to pull her out, but we never did recover her resumé, portfolio or videocassette. Surprisingly, she wasn’t upset by this loss. She said that being stuck in the mud had given her some time to think, and she had decided on a career change. Just last week, she launched the first of her Gladys Glump skin care products, which feature mud facial masks and body soaks.”

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT with mud on her face, carrying several containers of her products.) Would anyone like to buy some Glump Glamour products? (PETER and UNCLE BRAIN shake their heads. AMANDA hides her face behind her journal.) Well, you simply don’t know what you are missing! (EXITS LEFT in a huff.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Why do I get the feeling that I know where that mud came from?

PETER: Me, too, I guess I’ll have to tighten up on security next door.AMANDA: (Closes her journal and addresses the AUDIENCE.) As

for me, Uncle Brain and Dad… we’re all content to stay put for now. Dad’s happy because his work is next door and Uncle Brain is working as his assistant. Plus… (Picks up a roll of blue prints that are leaning against the couch and unrolls it.) …it looks like I’m going to get that swimming pool, hot tub and theatre after all. I’ve just had a sneak preview of the plans for the all-new Distinctive Manor!

END OF PLAY

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AUDIENCE and picks up a box. He has a large, dark, round stain on the back of his lab coat. EXITS RIGHT. AMANDA peers at him, frowning. She picks up an empty soda can from the spot on the couch where he had been sitting and stares at it, then covers her mouth with her hand to stifle a giggle. Smiling to herself, she picks up some of the Styrofoam pieces. She reaches to pick up pieces from behind some boxes, obstructing her from the AUDIENCE.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS LEFT and pauses just inside the entrance. He carries an open umbrella and walks Pretzel, an imaginary dog represented by a stiffened leash with an open, empty collar to resemble a dog being walked. To Pretzel.) There now, Pretzel, did you enjoy your walk? It’s a tad nippy out there, isn’t it? (Mimes shaking the rain off his umbrella, then folds it up and tucks it under his arm.) I wish that this dratted rain would stop. We could certainly use a little sunshine in our lives. (Notices the boxes for the first time.) Oh, look! Someone is moving in! What a lovely surprise! (AMANDA peers from behind the boxes. She stares in disbelief first at the empty leash, then at MR. PENGULLY and back at the leash again.) What shall we have for dinner tonight? Does steak and kidney pie sound scrumptious to you? (Pauses.) Jolly good, then, I… (AMANDA stands up slowly. He sees her.) …oh, hello. I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.

AMANDA: (Slips out cautiously from behind the boxes, tongue-tied, eyes glued to the leash.) Uh, yeah, I was… uh… I was picking up these things. (Holds out some Styrofoam pieces. Drops a few on the ground.)

MR. PENGULLY: I see. No, no, Pretzel! (Tugs on the leash.) Those are not edible. I’ll get you some doggie treats when we get up to our apartment. (To AMANDA.) I need to keep my eye on him. He’ll eat anything, you know.

AMANDA: (Eyes him suspiciously.) Uh-huh… hmmmm. I see, so that’s your dog?

MR. PENGULLY: Why, yes. This is Pretzel! You’re frightened of him, is that it? You really don’t need to be. Pretzel’s a harmless, old dog. Go on… you can pet him if you like.

AMANDA: (Backs away.) No, that’s all right.MR. PENGULLY: Oh, go on, he likes you, I can tell.AMANDA: (Moves closer and bends down awkwardly to pat the

imaginary dog on the head.) Nice doggie.MR. PENGULLY: (Suddenly raises the leash as if the dog has jumped

on AMANDA. She jumps back in surprise.) No! No! Pretzel, down! We don’t jump on people! (Pulls the leash down to dog height

AMANDA: (Incredulous.) She has a fan club?BILL: No.AMANDA: Then where do all those letters come from?BILL: She sends them to herself. I’ve seen her mail them every week.

She spends a lot of money on postage. Someone who does that must be pretty lonely, don’t you think?

AMANDA: Yeah, I guess so. (Glances at her watch again.) Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about, Mr. Bunion, but I really—

BILL: While you’re thinking, let’s get rid of that mud before it cakes and falls on my clean floor. (Kneels on one knee next to AMANDA, clutches a piece of her coat and aims the spray bottle at it.)

CHESTER: (Rushes from behind the couch with a spray bottle.) Stop, don’t shoot! (To AMANDA.) Have no fear, I will protect you! (Sprays BILL with water.)

BILL: No, Chester, I’m just cleaning her coat. (Annoyed.) Chester! (Runs OFF LEFT, followed by CHESTER, who continues to spray him with water.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (ENTERS RIGHT. Amused.) Well, aren’t you a sight! You know, earth brown is definitely your color!

AMANDA: (Makes a face at him.) Thanks. (Picks up her rubber boots and turns to EXIT RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Examines the couch carefully, pats it and gingerly sits on it. Writes in his notepad. Speaks these lines imitating Gertrude and Bertha, but not mocking them.) Wait, Amanda. (AMANDA stops.) While you’ve been frolicking in the mud, I’ve been fraternizing with friendly folks, finding out fascinating features and facts.

AMANDA: You know, Uncle Brain, I really have to get upstairs and uh… (Stalls to think of an excuse.) …change my clothes.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Briefly looks up from his notes.) Going somewhere, are you? (Returns to his writing. AMANDA gives him a sharp look as if to say “How would you know?”) Curiously enough, Gertrude and Bertha have a triplet who was separated from them at birth. They’ve devoted their entire lives to searching for her.

AMANDA: (Disinterested.) Really? I didn’t know they were even speaking to us.

UNCLE BRAIN: Oh, they’ll talk… to anyone who will listen. (Rubs his ear.) They nearly talked my ear off. (Stops writing in his notebook and looks up at AMANDA.) People make such fascinating subjects for scientific study.

AMANDA: (Out of breath.) Dad! Dad, some surveyors have just arrived! They’re out in your garden and your mud— (Pauses.) Hey, Dad. You’re wearing your raincoat!

PETER: (Looks intently at AMANDA.) Well, yes. I unpacked the last box, and there it was… so, you were saying?

AMANDA: (Notices CHESTER. Distracted.) They’re… uh… setting up their equipment… uh… right in… (CHESTER gives AMANDA a smug, “I told you so” look, then EXITS LEFT.) …in the middle of your experimental puddle of… (Gapes at the LEFT EXIT.) …super soil.

PETER: (Anxious. Turns to UNCLE BRAIN.) What’s this about, Brain?

UNCLE BRAIN: When I inquired as to what was going on, I was informed that the land had been sold and a new development was underway. The foreman said that the developer was scheduled to arrive shortly and that he would not welcome trespassers on his private property.

PETER: Oh, dear, this could ruin everything! I must go and… (Starts to EXIT LEFT.)

GLADYS: (Glances up from her magazine.) Oh, didn’t Mr. Bunion tell you?

PETER: Tell us what, Gladys?GLADYS: (Speaks in a nonchalant manner.) That this building has

also been sold. Distinctive Manor is scheduled to be demolished next week. (Beams.) They’re going to build a new film studio! Isn’t that grand?

PETER: What?! That’s unheard of… one week!GLADYS: He didn’t tell you then. Typical, never a thought for others.

(Rises regally from the couch.) I’ve got to go and pack my things. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT. Calls out as she leaves.) Make sure you get me some of that mud before those surveyors stomp all over it! (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: Dad, what are we going to do? The surveyors will ruin your experimental super soil, and all of these people will lose their homes. We need to do something! (PETER looks pensive.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Amanda, I thought you believed that these people were, how did you put it, “a bit odd”? Now you’re crusading for their homes?

AMANDA: I guess you could say they’ve grown on me.PETER: Listen, don’t worry about a thing. I have a plan that just might

work. Let’s go out and speak with those surveyors. (He, UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA EXIT LEFT. After a beat, BILL ENTERS

PRODUCTION NOTESPROPERTIES

ONSTAGE: Coat rack, couch with mismatched (or missing) cushions, chair and/or coffee table or side table.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One:Journal with “PRIVATE!” written on the cover, a pen (AMANDA)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Two: Several moving boxes (some filled with Styrofoam packing pieces), a few suitcases, an empty soda can.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two:Science magazine (UNCLE BRAIN)Miner’s headlamp, two boxes, motorcycle helmet, swimming

goggles, yellow rubber gloves, plastic garbage bag (worn as a coat), fast food take-out bag (PETER)

Umbrella, a stiffened dog leash with an empty collar, handkerchief (MR. PENGULLY)

Magnifying glass (MADAM LUFTKA)Raincoat (CHESTER)Shopping bags, umbrellas (GERTRUDE, BERTHA)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Three: Desk, chair, wastepaper basket, typewriter or laptop computer, paper, pen, envelope.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Four:Large backpack, wallet with money in it, journal, pen (AMANDA)Rubber boots (UNCLE BRAIN)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Five: Stryofoam packing pieces (placed under the couch cushions as well as on the floor, under the couch), spray bottle filled with water (hidden behind the couch).

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Five:Sealed envelope, clipboard with a piece of paper and pen

attached to it (ERVIN)Raincoat, rubber boots covered in mud (AMANDA)Broom, dustpan, newspaper, spray bottle filled with water, rag

(BILL)Pretzel’s leash with a gold medal and blue ribbon attached to it,

coat, very long list (MR. PENGULLY)Sunglasses, scarf, handful of sealed, stamped envelopes

(GLADYS)Notepad, pen (UNCLE BRAIN)Raincoat, two spray bottles (CHESTER)Muddy plastic bag (worn as a raincoat), muddy boots, mud-

splattered goggles, rain hat, gloves, jar of mud (PETER)

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UNCLE BRAIN: Ah, yes, cooties… pesky little things. Amanda, you really should strive to use correct terms. Cootie is a slang term for a louse. I am unsure of the origin of the word cootie, although I wonder… (Looks off as if lost in thought.) …oh, look, here’s one! (Reaches to pick something off AMANDA’S shoulder.)

AMANDA: (Shrieks. Jumps about, shakes her head and brushes off her shoulder.) Eewwwhh! Where is it? Get it off! Get it off!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Mildly amused.) Actually, there wasn’t one. I was merely testing a hypothesis that I had about your reaction to a potential louse… or cootie, as you call it.

AMANDA: (Stares at UNCLE BRAIN, aghast.) A hypothesis?UNCLE BRAIN: I was only making a joke, Amanda. You know…

humor… to lighten up the situation a bit.AMANDA: I didn’t find that very funny! I hate this apartment already!

(Gives a gentle kick to a box. Styrofoam packing pieces fall onto the floor.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Startled. Maintains his composure.) You know, hasty judgments are often regretted.

AMANDA: So are bad jokes! (Turns her back on UNCLE BRAIN, angrily crosses her arms in front of her chest.)

PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a miner’s headlamp and carrying two seemingly heavy boxes. Smiles.) Ah, I’m so glad to see that the two of you are getting reacquainted! (Pauses.) However, I could use some help moving these boxes upstairs to our apartment. (Excited.) By the way… (Sets down the boxes momentarily.) …did you see the gem I just unearthed from one of the boxes? My trusty old headlamp! Have I ever missed this fine piece of equipment! (Pensive.) I wonder how it got lost in the first place. (Picks up boxes and EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Sheepish.) Uh-oh! I hid Dad’s headlamp in the bottom of that box a few months ago.

UNCLE BRAIN: Why would you do that?AMANDA: Dad would always wear that thing when he took me to see

a movie. He said that it helped him to select good seats… and to avoid sitting in spilled soda.

UNCLE BRAIN: Did you ever end up sitting in spilled soda?AMANDA: No.UNCLE BRAIN: Well, then it was an effective measure.AMANDA: (Exasperated.) But it was embarrassing!UNCLE BRAIN: (Stands and picks up a box.) I think that sitting

in spilled soda would be embarrassing. (Turns his back to the

AMANDA: (Defensive.) We have good reasons for what we do.BILL: And the people who live here don’t?AMANDA: What possible reason could someone have for wearing an

inner tube and peering through a magnifying glass all the time?BILL: Maddie Luftka has very poor eyesight. She wears the inner

tube to keep from bumping into things, while the magnifying glass helps her to see. She can’t afford glasses.

AMANDA: (Stunned.) Oh… uh… I see.MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS LEFT “with Pretzel.” The leash has a

blue ribbon with a gold medal hanging from it. Excited.) Do excuse us for interrupting, but we just had to share our news. Pretzel won the dog competition today! (Beams.)

BILL: That’s great news, Northrop! (MR. PENGULLY crosses to EXIT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Just before MR. PENGULLY exits, AMANDA calls out to him. Suspicious.) Mr. Pengully, exactly which category did he win?

MR. PENGULLY: Why, the most innovative! While all the other dogs simply crawled through the eight-foot tunnel, Pretzel chose his own way. He climbed onto the roof of the tunnel and walked along the top of it! (Shakes his head.) Such a clever dog! (To Pretzel.) Let’s go and get you some treats, shall we? (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Stares after MR. PENGULLY for a moment and turns to BILL.) Well then, how do you explain the imaginary dog?

BILL: Did it ever occur to you that losing Pretzel caused Mr. Pengully so much sadness that in order to cope with his loneliness and loss, he imagines his dog is still with him?

AMANDA: No, I guess not. (Pauses.) You know, Maddie spoke to me today as if she believed Pretzel was real. Are her eyes so poor that she doesn’t see the truth?

BILL: She sees the truth better than you do.AMANDA: What do you mean?BILL: While she may have poor vision, her heart’s not blind. She

accepts Mr. Pengully, and the others, for who they are, foibles and all.

AMANDA: What about Miss Glump?GLADYS: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing sunglasses and a scarf tied over

her hair. She carries a huge pile of mail, dropping pieces as she goes.) Did I hear my name? Just a few more letters from my fan cub! (Fans herself with a letter, kisses it and gushes.) Such loyal and doting fans! (Crosses and EXITS RIGHT.)

RIGHT into the empty lobby. He glances around as if looking for someone, checks his watch, shrugs impatiently and then EXITS RIGHT. After a beat, EUNICE and ERVIN ENTER LEFT. EUNICE carries an umbrella, which she mimes shaking the rain off of then tucking it under her arm in the exact same manner as GERTRUDE and BERTHA in ACT ONE, Scene Two. ERVIN wears a trench coat and carries a binder and a pen.)

EUNICE: Where did all of these plants come from? I didn’t authorize this. And where did all of those trees and plants come from next door? They’re huge! It’s like a rainforest over there. The last time I sent someone to inspect this building, that lot was filled with nothing but mud. Ervin, when was the last building inspection?

ERVIN: (Flips pages in his binder.) Let me see… that was six months ago.

EUNICE: Six months ago? That’s impossible… improbable… impalpable for that much growth to take place in six months.

ERVIN: You know how much I hate to agree with you, Eunice, but you’re right.

EUNICE: This whole place is a jungle, inside and out. It’s high time that it was torn down! (Looks at her watch.) Now, where is that building manager of mine? Ervin, you did arrange for him to meet us here in the lobby, didn’t you?

ERVIN: Of course, Eunice. I even told him a time 15 minutes earlier than you stated, since I know how much you hate to be kept waiting.

EUNICE: Then where is he? Such tardiness is tacky and tasteless! (Looks at her watch again.) It looks like he’s not coming. He probably quit when he got my letter. Well, I’m not waiting any longer for him. Ervin, go and make sure that all of the tenants are making arrangements to move out.

ERVIN: Yes, Eunice. (Turns to EXIT RIGHT.)EUNICE: And make sure everything is in place for when the

developer, Mr. D. Molish, arrives.ERVIN: Yes, Eunice. (Tries to leave again.)EUNICE: And Ervin, phone the developer again to ensure he’ll be on

time for our meeting. I’m going to wait in the car.ERVIN: (Exasperated.) Yes, Eunice! (EXITS RIGHT. EUNICE EXITS

LEFT. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN ENTER LEFT, remove their raincoats, and hang them up on the coat rack.)

PETER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, excuse me, Gertrude.EUNICE’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Haughty.) My name’s not

Gertrude!

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One:Notebook, Amanda’s journal (UNCLE BRAIN)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO, Scene Two: Several potted plants and potted trees. An envelope with a letter inside remains hidden under the couch.

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Two:Potted plant (BILL)Fashion magazine, pressed face powder in a makeup

compact, feather boa, videocassette, file folder (GLADYS)Dark raincoat, lab goggles, test tubes, pencil, newspaper, lab

goggles (PETER)Raincoat (AMANDA, UNCLE BRAIN)Dark raincoat identical to Peter’s (CHESTER)Umbrella (EUNICE)Binder with paper in it, pen (ERVIN VICTION)Hat, coat, briefcase (D. MOLISH)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO, Scene Four: Walkie-talkie on couchBROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Four:

Journal, pen, blueprints (AMANDA)A magazine clearly showing the title “Thyme” (UNCLE BRAIN)Newspaper with the headline “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers

Super Soil!” (PETER)Shopping bags, “flamboyant, ugly” fabric (GERTRUDE)Shopping bags, “flamboyant, ugly” wallpaper (BERTHA)Shopping bags (EUNICE)Store parcels, packages, shopping bags (ERVIN)Glasses, a newspaper (MADAM LUFTKA)Pretzel’s leash, stuffed (or real) dog at the end of another leash to

represent Peanut, umbrella (MR. PENGULLY)Suitcase (BILL)Walkie-talkie (CHESTER)Several containers of “Gladys Glump” products (GLADYS)

SOUND EFFECTSSound of a garbled voice coming through a walkie-talkie.

COSTUMESAMANDA McGOWAN: Casual dress (jeans, T-shirt, running shoes or

sandals and a wrist watch). She wears a brightly colored raincoat and rubber boots for ACT ONE, Scene Five and ACT TWO, Scene Two.

UNCLE BRAIN: Neatly dressed in pants, shirt and tie, worn under a buttoned, white lab coat; dark framed glasses for a “brainy” look.

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ACT ONEScene One

SPOTLIGHT UP: In front of the curtain on AMANDA, sitting cross-legged on the floor DOWN RIGHT with a pen and her journal, which has “PRIVATE!” boldly written on the cover. She writes in her journal.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, Things have

gotten worse… much worse. Not only did Dad lose another job, but now we are forced to sell our house and move! Dad says—get this—we’ll have to move into a “smallish” apartment for a little while, until we can get ourselves on our feet again. Then, he informs me that Uncle Brain is moving in with us! Two scientists under one roof… my life is ruined! Dad says that he needs Uncle Brain’s assistance for some secret project he’s working on. I haven’t seen my Uncle Brain since Mom died five years ago. I hardly even know him! (Pauses.) About this apartment… my friend Jenny tells me that some apartments have swimming pools, hot tubs and even theatres in them. I really hope our new apartment is something like that. (Sighs.) That would be great! Signing off for now, Amanda. (Closes her journal. SPOT OUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

CURTAIN UP: A week later in the lobby, which is filled with piles of boxes and a few suitcases. UNCLE BRAIN is leaning back on the couch, reading a science magazine. AMANDA stands in front of the couch, leaning on a large pile of boxes with her elbows.AMANDA: (With obvious distaste.) This place smells!UNCLE BRAIN: (Startles slightly from his reading.) Pardon?AMANDA: I said (Stresses each word.) this place smells! What are

these apartments called again? Distinctive Manor? Yeah, they’re distinctive all right! (Holds her nose.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Leans forward and sniffs the air. Thoughtful.) I cannot say that I detect such an odious odor as you are suggesting, Amanda. (Leans back on the couch and resumes reading.)

AMANDA: (Points.) I wouldn’t lean back in that couch if I were you, Uncle Brain.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Sits up slowly. Looks pensive. Serious.) Why is that, Amanda?

AMANDA: You could get… (Glances around again and wrinkles her nose with disgust.) …cooties!

BILL: (Gazes at the envelope, somewhat mystified, then starts to open it. Before he can pull the letter out, AMANDA ENTERS LEFT. She stomps into the lobby wearing a raincoat and rubber boots and covered in mud from head to foot. He stuffs the envelope into his pocket.) Acckkkk! Stop right there! I just cleaned this floor! I’ll be right back. Don’t move! (Hurries OUT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Aggravated. To herself.) How do I let Dad talk me into these things? I mean, couldn’t he have chosen some other occupation? Like anything other than a scientist? I’ve never seen anyone get so excited about mud and dirt! (Looks at her watch.) I hope this doesn’t take long. I have a bus to catch! (BILL RE-ENTERS RIGHT, carrying some newspaper, a spray bottle and a rag. He spreads the newspaper on the floor for her to step on.) I’m sorry. (Steps onto the newspaper and removes her boots.) I was just helping my dad out… (CHESTER’S hands and the top of his head appear from behind the couch as he listens in on the conversation.)

BILL: Out in that pool of mud next door… I know, I know. I saw you. And here I thought your family was—well, on second thought, unpack those boxes. You may fit in here nicely after all.

AMANDA: (Defensive.) What do you mean? How can you compare us to the folks who live here? We don’t walk pretend dogs, wear inner tubes, hide behind couches… (Points to the couch. We see a quick flash of movement from CHESTER as he ducks and removes his hands from the couch. BILL and AMANDA glance at the couch and give each other an odd look.) …or wear matching clothes and talk funny, nor do we have grand illusions about being movie stars!

BILL: No… but you do wade around and dig in mud puddles.AMANDA: We were doing an experiment.BILL: Your father wears a plastic bag instead of a raincoat.AMANDA: My dad likes to recycle.BILL: And I think I heard someone talking to themselves a minute

ago. (AMANDA looks embarrassed.) Well, whatever you say, my dear. (Sits on the couch.)

AMANDA: Besides, one of your tenants stole my dad’s raincoat.CHESTER: (Pops his head up from behind the couch.) I did not!

(Hides again.)BILL: (Glances casually over the back of the couch to speak to

CHESTER.) Chester, don’t you know that it’s very impolite to listen in on other people’s conversations? (Turns back to AMANDA.) You were saying?

PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a newspaper under his arm. Speaks to UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA. Looks OFF LEFT.) Oops, Bertha then. I always get them mixed up. I hope I didn’t offend her.

AMANDA: Don’t worry about it, Dad. I’m sure everyone’s on edge because of today’s news. Besides, you know Bertha and Gertrude—they’re offended by everything!

UNCLE BRAIN: It took some convincing, but you did succeed in stopping those surveyors from working near your experimental soil patch, Peter.

PETER: It’s just a temporary measure, but that’s all I’ll need if my plan works.

AMANDA: What is your plan, Dad? You haven’t let us in on it yet.PETER: Well, it’s simple, really. One of the surveyors mentioned that the

developer and the building’s owner are scheduled to have a meeting here in the lobby this afternoon. All we have to do is convince the developer that he doesn’t really want this location. We’re going to lead him to believe that his new development… his film studio… is about to be built in a very, shall we say, unhealthy environment. (Removes his raincoat and hangs it on the coat rack.)

AMANDA: How are you going to do that? There’s not enough time to organize all of our neighbors and let them in on your plan. Besides, they’re all busy packing and finding new places to live.

PETER: Elementary, my dear. We’re just going to let our neighbors be themselves!

AMANDA: That’s it? That’s your plan? I thought you’d come up with something better than that, especially when there’s so much at stake here!

PETER: (Patient.) Amanda, just trust me. Brain, can you do me a favor?

UNCLE BRAIN: Certainly.PETER: Casually mention to each of our neighbors that the owner

of the building—the one who is evicting them only one week from now—will also be in the lobby this afternoon to meet with the developer. That ought to ensure a good turn out, don’t you think?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Smiles thoughtfully.) Ah, I see where you’re going with this. I’ll take care of it. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Angry.) I don’t see it at all. (Quietly. To herself.) I can’t believe I stuck around for this! (Flops down on the couch. PETER sits next to her, opens his newspaper and begins to read. EUNICE, ERVIN and D. MOLISH ENTER LEFT. PETER continues to read the paper. AMANDA glowers at the floor.)

For the first part of ACT ONE, Scene Two, he wears a lab coat with a large, dark, round stain on the back. Later in Scene Two, he wears a new lab coat, without a stain. In ACT ONE, Scene Four, he wears rubber boots. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a lighter-colored raincoat.

PETER McGOWAN: Mismatched and disheveled clothes worn under a wrinkled, white lab coat. For ACT ONE, Scene Two, he wears a miner’s headlamp on his head, then later wears a motorcycle helmet, yellow rubber gloves and a plastic garbage bag as a raincoat. In ACT ONE, Scene Five, he wears “muddy” rubber boots, a “muddy” plastic garbage bag, “mud-splattered” lab goggles, a rain hat and rubber gloves. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a dark-colored raincoat (like Chester’s) and lab goggles on his head.

NORTHROP PENGULLY: Tweed suit, matching cap, dress shirt and tie, dress shoes.

MADAM MADELEINE LUFTKA: Bright and varied colors to express her exuberant personality (skirt, frilly blouse, boots or heels, wide-brimmed, floral hat). She wears an inner tube over the top of her clothing and carries a magnifying glass, except in ACT TWO, Scene Four, where she no longer wears the inner tube and wears glasses. In ACT ONE, Scene Two, she wears a cape.

CHESTER FIELD: Neutral-colored and outdated clothing to express his desire to “fade” into the background (gray pants, dress shirt, loafers or runners). He wears a dark, hooded raincoat in ACT ONE, Scenes Two and Five, and ACT TWO, Scene Two. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, he wears a security guard uniform.

BILL BUNION: Work clothes or overalls, a tool belt, work boots or shoes and a watch. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, he wears summer vacation clothes such as Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and sandals.

GLADYS GLUMP: 1950s glamorous “movie star” apparel. In ACT ONE, Scene Five, she wears sunglasses and a scarf tied dramatically over her head. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, she wears an evening dress, boa and heels. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, she wears a “mud mask” on her face and a smock. (If desired, and if resources are available, she could have a costume change for every scene.)

GERTRUDE/BERTHA/EUNICE: Matching outfits (or as close to matching as possible). Their clothing could consist of polyester skirts with matching jackets or blouses, shoes, purses and wigs. EUNICE needs a watch.

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UNCLE BRAIN: (Turns to EXIT, pauses and faces AMANDA again.) You might want to wear some rubber boots.

AMANDA: Why?UNCLE BRAIN: He’s doing his testing in the mud puddle next door.

(EXITS CENTER.)AMANDA: (Disgusted.) Ugh! Oh, great! (Opens her journal and

sighs.) Where was I? (Slams journal shut.) Oh, never mind! (Reaches for her backpack, rummages through it for a couple of seconds and pulls out some money.) Yep, there’s enough here for the bus. I’m outta here, right after I help Dad with his experiment. He’ll be less suspicious that way. (Sighs.) I guess I’d better find some rubber boots. (EXITS CENTER.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

CURTAIN UP: An hour later in the lobby. BILL sweeps, whistling a happy tune. He pauses to inspect his work, then nods to himself. He starts to straighten the couch cushions and several Styrofoam packing pieces fall on the floor. He reaches under the cushions and several more fall. He sweeps them up into a dustpan and then hides them back underneath the cushions. He kneels on the floor and searches under the couch. CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT and sneaks, unnoticed, behind the couch.ERVIN: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a dark trench coat and hat and

carrying an envelope and clipboard. He removes his hat then coughs to get BILL’S attention.) Ahem! Excuse me, sir, but could you tell me where I could find a Mr. William Bunion, please?

BILL: (Stands up and brushes himself off.) That would be Bill Bunion… and that’s me.

ERVIN: Ah, very well then. This is for you. (Hands BILL a sealed envelope.)

BILL: Thanks.ERVIN: Would you be so kind as to sign here, please? (Hands BILL a

clipboard with a piece of paper and a pen attached to it.)BILL: What for?ERVIN: To indicate that you did, in fact, receive the letter on this date.BILL: All right. (Nonchalantly signs his name and returns the

clipboard.)ERVIN: Thank you, sir. (Mysterious.) We’ll be in touch then. (Tips his

hat to BILL and EXITS LEFT.)

D. MOLISH: (Does a visual inspection of the lobby as he ENTERS. Hangs up his hat and coat on the coat rack.) The wrecking crew arrives a week from today. Can I be assured that all of your tenants will be out by then?

EUNICE: Ervin?ERVIN: Yes, yes, they’re all packing now, Eunice.D. MOLISH: (Lowers his voice, indicating PETER and AMANDA as

he speaks.) What about these people? They don’t seem to be in any hurry to leave. (EUNICE and ERVIN turn their backs and have a silent “mimed” dispute over this oversight. To AMANDA.) Excuse me, miss. (AMANDA glares up at him.) Are you aware that this building is scheduled to be demolished within the week?

AMANDA: Yes.D. MOLISH: Are you making plans to move out?AMANDA: No, I’m not! (PETER peers slowly and curiously at

AMANDA over his newspaper. AMANDA stands up, defiant.) You can just bring on your wrecking ball. I’m staying put. What are you going to do about that, huh? What if all of the tenants decided to stay put? What would you do? Where are we supposed to go, anyway? Have you ever thought of that? (Pauses.) Well, have you?

PETER: (Whispers to AMANDA from over his newspaper.) Amanda!EUNICE: (She and ERVIN turn around. She approaches AMANDA.

Annoyed.) Excuse me, are you one of the tenants here?AMANDA: (Bewildered.) You know that I am, Gertrude… (Peers at

EUNICE closely.) …or is it Bertha?EUNICE: Who’s Gertrude… and Bertha? I’m Eunice.PETER: (Looks up from his paper. He and AMANDA gawk at

EUNICE.) Are you the owner of the building?EUNICE: Yes, I am.PETER: (He and AMANDA exchange stunned looks.) I don’t believe

it! (Shakes his head.)EUNICE: What do you mean, you don’t believe it? Such improper,

impudence! Are you implying that I am an imposter?GERTRUDE: (She and BERTHA ENTER RIGHT. There is a moment

of stunned silence. Their mouths gape open. They stare first at EUNICE and then at each other. Excited.) Oh, Bertha, look! Can you believe it? It’s our long-lost triplet! We’ve finally been reunited after 52 years! Blessed day!

BERTHA: Blissful!

ERVIN VICTION: Dark suit, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes and hat. In ACT ONE, Scene Five and ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a dark trench coat.

MR. D. MOLISH: Business suit, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes, raincoat and hat.

MORE ABOUT THE SETTo dress up (or dress down) the set, the lobby could include a lopsided chandelier, a bookshelf with one book on it and perhaps a floor mat in front of the exit at STAGE LEFT. The backdrop could even be wallpapered, with pieces of the wall’s pattern partly torn off or left partially hanging in keeping with the apartment’s old and shabby nature.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe roles of NORTHROP PENGULLY and BILL BUNION can be combined to be played by one actor.D. MOLISH could be cast as a female, DEE MOLISH.

SET DESCRIPTION

The lobby of Distinctive Manor is typical of older apartment buildings, but with a run-down appearance. At CENTER there should be a shabby couch. Other typical pieces, such as a chair, a small coffee table or a small side table can be added to the arrangement, leaving plenty of space for the tenants to congregate and move around.

There are two exits: STAGE LEFT represents the main entrance to the apartment building from outside. A coat rack should be placed just DOWNSTAGE of this entrance. STAGE RIGHT represents the entrance to the building’s individual apartments. UPSTAGE there is a painted or wallpapered backdrop (or flat) with some paintings hanging crookedly.

ACT ONE, Scene Three takes place in front of the curtain DOWN LEFT. This area represents a simple office with a desk and a chair that face the audience. On top of the desk is a typewriter (or laptop computer), some papers and a pen. A wastebasket sits to the right of the desk.

Please refer to the set design on page 46.

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Set Design - Foibles and Folly

SETTINGTime: Any era.Place: Lobby of Distinctive Manor, a run-down apartment building.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE, Scene One: A diary session, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Two: A week later in the lobby.

ACT ONE, Scene Three: A few days later in Eunice’s office, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Four: The same day, outside Distinctive Manor. Another diary session, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Five: An hour later in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene One: Three weeks later, outside Distinctive Manor (played before the curtain).

ACT TWO, Scene Two: That afternoon in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene Three: Moments later in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene Four: Three months later in the lobby.

EUNICE: (Mutters as she begins to type another letter.) Cheeky fellow! Such irritating and ill-natured insolence! I should fire him, too. (SPOTLIGHT OUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

SPOTLIGHT UP: The same day, outside Distinctive Manor (played before the curtain). AMANDA sits DOWN RIGHT as in ACT ONE, Scene One, writing in her journal. A large backpack sits next to her.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, So much

has happened since my last entry that I don’t even know where to start. To sum it up, the apartment we’ve moved into is hardly a dream home. In fact, it’s kind of like my worst nightmare! The people who live here are really odd. There’s no hot tub, no theatre and definitely no swimming pool, unless you count the big mud puddle in the vacant lot next door. I wouldn’t dip my big toe in that! And those cats! Who can sleep at night with all the racket they make? It’s more than I can take, so I’ve made up my mind… I’m leaving! With all of the chaos around here, no one will even notice that I’m gone. Jenny has agreed to let me stay at her place for a while until I—”

UNCLE BRAIN: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, wearing rubber boots.) Amanda? There you are. Your dad was wondering where you keep disappearing to. What are you writing?

AMANDA: (Closes her journal quickly and hugs it to her chest defensively. Discreetly pushes the backpack behind her with her foot.) Uh… nothing.

UNCLE BRAIN: I never knew nothing required so much effort. Well, when you’ve finished your latest literary saga, do you think you could come and help your dad and me with his new experiment? He wants your opinion. I’ve already given him mine.

AMANDA: (Impatient.) What’s he working on now?UNCLE BRAIN: He insists he’s staying away from all combustible

materials for a while, especially after his… previous experience.AMANDA: That’s a relief.UNCLE BRAIN: Currently he’s experimenting with improving soil

quality for farming.AMANDA: Sounds safe enough. All right, I’ll be there… in a few

minutes.

GERTRUDE: Blithesome! (She and BERTHA surround and attempt to hug her.)

EUNICE: (Resists their advances.) Blundering bloopers! What is this? I’m not your triplet.

GERTRUDE: Of course you are, look at us! (She, BERTHA and EUNICE stand in a row. ALL stare.)

ERVIN: (Sidles close to EUNICE.) You know, they have a point. You even talk like them.

D. MOLISH: (To EUNICE.) I’m sure it’s none of my business, but, didn’t you know that you were a triplet?

EUNICE: You’re right, it’s none of your busybody, buzzing beeswax. And no, I am not a triplet! These women have no idea what they are talking about. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA react indignantly.)

PETER: (Puts his lab goggles over his eyes.) Wow, after this touching family reunion, this may seem a little anticlimactic, but did anyone happen to read this bit of news today? (Speaks as if he is reading aloud from the newspaper.) “Scientists have proven that water which leaches off of vacant or undeveloped land can have adverse effects on those who live nearby. These potentially severe side effects may continue to occur even once the land is developed.” (D. MOLISH leans in to listen with a worried look. PETER winks at AMANDA over his paper.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.” D. MOLISH watches them curiously.) Now, Pretzel, we agreed that you would act in a civil manner to the owner of this building, even if he or she is evicting us! No biting, no clawing and, no, absolutely no piddling! (Looks up.) Now which one of you is the owner of this establishment?

EUNICE: (Pulls herself away from BERTHA and GERTRUDE.) I am.MR. PENGULLY: Oh, my, does my vision deceive me in my old age?

I think I’m seeing triple.BERTHA: Northrop, your vision is just fine. (Clings to EUNICE and

gushes.) Gertrude and I have finally found our sister! We are now complete!

EUNICE: (Tries to wriggle free of BERTHA.) No, I am not their sister. But I am the owner of this building. I also happen to disagree with them on one other point—that of your vision. (Points to the empty leash.) Can you not see that your dog, or whatever it is, has escaped? Your leash is empty. (MR. PENGULLY looks down at the leash, worried.) That brings me to another point, there are no pets allowed in this building!

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FOIBLES AND FOLLYA Two Act Comedyby Michelle R. Davis

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In order of appearance)

# of lines

AMANDA McGOWAN ................ teen-age girl, outspoken 119 and very critical of others

UNCLE BRAIN McGOWAN ....... uncle to Amanda 74PETER McGOWAN ................... Amanda’s father, an eccentric 58

scientist in his early 40s; younger brother to Brain

NORTHROP PENGULLY .......... kindly, British man in his late 39 60s who walks an imaginary dog named Pretzel

MADAM MADELEINE LUFTKA ... exuberant, middle-aged 23 woman with a foreign accent; speaks with an operatic voice

CHESTER FIELD ...................... odd, quiet, elderly man who 22 spends most of his time hiding behind the couch and trying to elude “Them”

BILL BUNION ............................ manager of Distinctive Manor 45GLADYS GLUMP ...................... glamorous movie star 45

“wannabe” in her early 40sGERTRUDE .............................. haughty, bossy woman in her 31

50s; triplet to Bertha and Eunice

BERTHA .................................... triplet to Gertrude and Eunice 24EUNICE ..................................... owner of Distinctive Manor 40

and long-lost triplet to Bertha and Gertrude (unbeknownst to

her!)ERVIN VICTION ........................ works for Eunice 30D. MOLISH ................................ building developer 14

EXIT RIGHT just as BILL and GLADYS ENTER RIGHT. When he sees BILL, he turns to run in the opposite direction.)

BILL: (Grabs CHESTER. Shouts triumphantly.) Ah-ha! I’ve got you now, Chester! Let’s go and find your checkbook, shall we? (CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

SPOTLIGHT UP: A few days later in EUNICE’S office, played in front of the curtain DOWN LEFT.EUNICE’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Yells in a booming voice.)

That’s it… you’re fired! I mean it, you’re fired! Good riddance!EUNICE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. Sits in the chair and shakes her

head.) Good riddance, indeed! Now, let me see here… (Holds up a piece of paper and stares at it.) Oh, muckle muckle! (Taps desk with a pen impatiently.) Just as I suspected, these accounts are not balancing out! I should have fired that accountant years ago. Miserable, malevolent man! He’s probably been stealing from me, too! (Starts typing a letter. Yells.) Ervin? Ervin! Where are you? Get in here, now! (Continues to type.)

ERVIN: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. Speaks in a matter-of-fact manner.) Yes? Are you going to fire me, too, Eunice?

EUNICE: Nothing but nonsense! However, the way my accounts are going… that accountant was no good!

ERVIN: I hate to say I told you so.EUNICE: Stop goating and—ERVIN: I think you mean gloating.EUNICE: No, I meant goating… as in stop your incessant bleating! I

need you to make a delivery for me… a letter.ERVIN: Whatever your Heartlessness desires. Is it concerning what

I think it’s concerning?EUNICE: (Hisses.) Yessssss! (Stops typing and puts letter into an

envelope. Hands letter to ERVIN.) Here you are. I want immediate action! Nothing less.

ERVIN: (Bows mockingly and tips his hat.) Yes, Eunice, nothing less, of course. (Turns to EXIT DOWN LEFT, then stops and turns back toward EUNICE.) You know, Eunice, it’s always struck me as rather ironic that you have the word “nice” in your name. Eunice… “U-nice”… no, it just doesn’t fit. Such irony. You’re certainly one-of-a-kind! (Shakes his head. EXITS.)

ERVIN: (Sympathetic.) Eunice, that hardly matters now.EUNICE: Ervin, do not interrupt me!MR. PENGULLY: (Fretfully searches down on his hands and knees.)

Oh, dear, she’s right. He’s missing! He’s run off! I knew this would happen. Ever since I told him we would have to move, he’s not been himself. Would someone please help me find him?

AMANDA: I’ll help you, Mr. Pengully! I think I saw him digging up a bone in the garden. I’ll go get him for you. (EXITS LEFT.)

MR. PENGULLY: (Sits on the couch next to PETER, who pats his shoulder sympathetically.) Oh, thank you. I just don’t have the energy to go chasing after him anymore.

EUNICE: Ervin, write down his name. (Points to MR. PENGULLY.) Pengully. He will be fined for having a pet.

ERVIN: But, Eunice, really… (EUNICE glares at him as he scribbles something down in his binder. He shakes his head. CHESTER furtively ENTERS LEFT. He flattens himself against the back wall and slinks along it. No one else pays attention to him except for D. MOLISH, who watches him closely.)

PETER: (Glances over his shoulder and notices that CHESTER has made an entrance. Again reads from his newspaper.) This article also states, “…B1400 power lines, which are often situated directly over a building, can eventually cause people to see things which are not really there and to believe in things which are not real.” (Looks up from his paper and exclaims.) Hey, aren’t those the type of power lines that we have dangling over this apartment?

CHESTER: (Points suddenly to the coat rack.) Ahhhhh! It’s “Them,” it’s “Them”! (Dives behind the couch. D. MOLISH looks alarmed by CHESTER’S behavior.)

PETER: (Leans over the couch to speak to CHESTER.) Chester, it’s all right, it’s not “Them.” That’s just the coat rack.

CHESTER: (Pops his head up from behind the couch.) Oh, so it is.AMANDA: (ENTERS LEFT. She mimes carrying Pretzel, takes

him to MR. PENGULLY and attaches his leash.) Here he is, Mr. Pengully. I’m sorry he’s a little dirty still. I washed him off as well as I could, but he still has a bit of mud on him. (D. MOLISH, EUNICE and ERVIN exchange glances, baffled.)

MR. PENGULLY: Why, thank you, Amanda, dear. I’m so relieved. (Shakes his finger at Pretzel.) Pretzel, you are a naughty dog for running off like that, but I will forgive you, under the circumstances.

ERVIN: (In a sarcastic tone.) Eunice, what kind of fine would you say applies here?

NOTES

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BERTHA: (Sniffs the air.) What are you doing, pollutinating the air with your dinner smells?

PETER: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize… (Casts a puzzled look at UNCLE BRAIN and then at AMANDA.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT, very distressed. Holds Pretzel’s leash, which now has a gap in the collar.) Oh, dear, oh, dear! Has anyone seen Pretzel? He’s missing. He disappeared right after dinner.

PETER: (Places his take-out bag on the floor and steps towards MR. PENGULLY.) Sir, I’d like to help you find your dog. Can you describe him? (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN exchange glances.)

AMANDA: Uh, Dad, there’s something you should know.MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Me me me me me me me.

(Peers at ALL ONSTAGE through her magnifying glass.) Vell, vhat a delightful gathering. Is zis to velcome ze new neighbors?

GERTRUDE: What new neighbors? Where’s Mr. Bunion? I want to report some, some… (Turns to UNCLE BRAIN.) …what did you say the word was?

UNCLE BRAIN: Loiterers.GERTRUDE: Some loiterers.BERTHA: Yes, loiterers littering our lobby!GERTRUDE: Disgraceful!BERTHA: Disruptive!GERTRUDE: Disgusting!MR. PENGULLY: Would someone please help me find Pretzel?

(Pauses and then crouches by the bag.) Oh, wait, here he is!PETER: (Looks around.) Where?MR. PENGULLY: Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, sir. (Holds up the bag and

peers inside.) I’m afraid he’s had a taste of your dinner. Please allow me to make amends.

PETER: (Looks very confused.) I don’t understand.MR. PENGULLY: (Sets the bag down and shakes his finger while

he puts the collar back together.) Pretzel, you are a very naughty dog! First you ran off on me, and then you ate this man’s dinner. (PETER picks up the bag and peers into it with a confused expression.)

CHESTER: (ENTERS LEFT backwards, looks around slowly. He sees BERTHA and GERTRUDE, cowers and points at them.) Ahhh! It’s “Them.” It’s “Them”! (Runs UP CENTER and starts to

EUNICE: Shush, Ervin!GERTRUDE: Eunice, you don’t understand… he’s—EUNICE: No, you’re right. I certainly don’t understand.MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS RIGHT, singing.) My my my my my my

my. How nice it is to have my voice back again. No more cold for me. Tra la la! (Looks at EUNICE, steps close to the TRIPLETS and puts her magnifying glass right in EUNICE’S face. GERTRUDE and BERTHA nod simultaneously.) Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my… Gertrude and Bertha, I see zat you have found your triplet at last! How nice for you! (Turns her magnifying glass on ERVIN.) And you, sir, are you ze owner?

ERVIN: No, she is. (Points to EUNICE.)MADAM LUFTKA: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh… vhat a coincidence! Dat

your triplet has been ze owner of ze building dat you have lived in for so long. Von of life’s bitter-sveet discoveries, to be sure! (Steps towards D. MOLISH and holds her magnifying glass up to him.) And who might you be?

D. MOLISH: I’m, D. Molish, developer.MADAM LUFTKA: (Holds out her hand.) How nice to meet vit you,

Mr. Developer. I do hope zat you like ze cats! Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow! (Sits on the arm of the couch.)

D. MOLISH: (To EUNICE.) What does she mean by that?EUNICE: Oh, nothing, I’m sure!GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a feather boa, high heels and

an evening dress. Melodramatic.) Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? What’s in a name…? I’m Gladys Glump! Which one of you is the developer?

D. MOLISH: (Meekly raises his hand. Weak.) I am.GLADYS: (Glides dramatically towards D. MOLISH and holds out her

hand.) Charmed to meet you, sir. Do you have connections?D. MOLISH: Connections?GLADYS: Yes, connections with those who will be hiring from the

new film studio, of course.D. MOLISH: Are you an… actress?GLADYS: (Annoyed.) Haven’t you seen my movies? I was in “Attack

of the Killer Turnips.” I was a turnip!D. MOLISH: I can’t say that I’ve seen that one, sorry.GLADYS: You haven’t? Well, I just happen to have a copy of it up in

my suite. I’ll go and get it for you, along with my resumé and my portfolio!

By Michelle R. Davis

© Copyright 2004, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

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For preview only

UNCLE BRAIN: Why is that? (Moves as if he intends to sit on the couch next to AMANDA. Hesitates, looks at the couch with a frown and remains standing.)

AMANDA: Seriously, Uncle, don’t you find this place—these people—extremely odd?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Thoughtful.) Do you mean odd as in peculiar, or odd as in agreeably curious? There’s also odd as in out-of-the-way, secluded. (Looks off, lost in thought.)

AMANDA: (Loses patience.) I mean odd, as in weird, strange… I mean… you know what I mean!

UNCLE BRAIN: I’ll bet there’s never a dull moment. (Smiles and gazes at the ceiling. AMANDA leans forward on the couch to get a good look at GERTRUDE and BERTHA as they ENTER LEFT. They argue loudly. Both wear exactly the same clothes and carry shopping bags and umbrellas. They mime shaking the rain off the umbrellas then close them. Each tucks the umbrella under her arm. Both move in exactly the same manner, simultaneously.)

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) I wish that you would stop buying exactly the same clothes as me. I mean, really, the novelty of being twins should have worn off 50 years ago.

BERTHA: But, Gertrude, they were on sale, and I—GERTRUDE: (Points to the boxes in the lobby.) What is this

mountainous mess? (To AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.) Is this yours? I am going to report you!

BERTHA: And didn’t you read the sign on the front door. It says “No Solickiting.”

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) That’s “No Soliciting,” you nitwit!BERTHA: (To GERTRUDE.) No matter! (To AMANDA and UNCLE

BRAIN.) What are you doing lottering in the lobby? (Lowers her voice to GERTRUDE.) Young thugs, probably trying to steal something.

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) That’s littering the lobby.UNCLE BRAIN: Actually, it’s loitering in the lobby, and no, we’re not

loiterers. We’re just moving in and—GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) Can you believe this insultering

insolence? Insipid, ingracious… I’m incensed!PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a bag. Tries, with difficulty, to

get by BERTHA and GERTRUDE.) Excuse me, please, ladies. (BERTHA and GERTRUDE part to allow him to pass between them as they turn up their noses disapprovingly.)

D. MOLISH: Ma’am that won’t be necessary… uh—GLADYS: (EXITS RIGHT. Bumps into UNCLE BRAIN as he ENTERS

RIGHT.) Move it, Brainless, I’m in a hurry. Why are there are always people in my way? I’ll be so glad to escape this cramped apartment building!

PETER: (Catches UNCLE BRAIN’S eye and looks back at his newspaper.) This article also states—

D. MOLISH: Please don’t read any more from that article, sir.PETER: (To D. MOLISH.) You don’t look well.D. MOLISH: In fact, I don’t feel well at all. I think… I think that I’ve had

enough for one day. (Stoops to pick up his briefcase and reaches for his hat and coat from the rack.)

EUNICE: But what about the papers you came to sign? You can’t go before we—

D. MOLISH: I’m sorry, but the deal is off! I’ve decided to find a new location for my film studio. Whether it’s from the power lines overhead or the effects of water leaching from the vacant lot next door, these people are all loopy! Besides, my surveyors are experiencing extreme difficulties. Their equipment keeps disappearing into mud sinkholes, while plants and trees keep popping up… out of nowhere! I’m finished here. Good day! (Hurriedly pulls on his coat and slaps his hat on his head.)

EUNICE: Can’t we persuade you to change your mind? I’ll lower the price! (D. MOLISH shakes his head vigorously and EXITS LEFT. EUNICE grabs ERVIN’S arm and follows D. MOLISH.) No, wait—! (She and ERVIN EXIT LEFT. ALL cheer, embrace and ad-lib, congratulating each other.)

MR. PENGULLY: Did you hear that, Pretzel? We don’t have to move! (UNCLE BRAIN and PETER shake hands.)

MADAM LUFTKA: How delightful zat ve do not have to move! I sink zis calls for a celebration! Everyvon is invited to my apartment, right after I unpack! (EXITS RIGHT.)

MR. PENGULLY: A party! That’s a lovely idea! Come along, Pretzel, let’s go unpack your milkbones. (EXITS RIGHT.)

GERTRUDE: Well, Bertha, we may not have gained a sister, but at least we haven’t lost our home.

BERTHA: Terribly, but thankfully and terrifically true. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA EXIT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (A bit chagrined.) That was really great, Dad! I’m sorry that I doubted you.

PETER: That’s all right, Amanda. You actually contributed quite nicely to the outcome with your little outburst back there.

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UNCLE BRAIN: Why is that? (Moves as if he intends to sit on the couch next to AMANDA. Hesitates, looks at the couch with a frown and remains standing.)

AMANDA: Seriously, Uncle, don’t you find this place—these people—extremely odd?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Thoughtful.) Do you mean odd as in peculiar, or odd as in agreeably curious? There’s also odd as in out-of-the-way, secluded. (Looks off, lost in thought.)

AMANDA: (Loses patience.) I mean odd, as in weird, strange… I mean… you know what I mean!

UNCLE BRAIN: I’ll bet there’s never a dull moment. (Smiles and gazes at the ceiling. AMANDA leans forward on the couch to get a good look at GERTRUDE and BERTHA as they ENTER LEFT. They argue loudly. Both wear exactly the same clothes and carry shopping bags and umbrellas. They mime shaking the rain off the umbrellas then close them. Each tucks the umbrella under her arm. Both move in exactly the same manner, simultaneously.)

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) I wish that you would stop buying exactly the same clothes as me. I mean, really, the novelty of being twins should have worn off 50 years ago.

BERTHA: But, Gertrude, they were on sale, and I—GERTRUDE: (Points to the boxes in the lobby.) What is this

mountainous mess? (To AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.) Is this yours? I am going to report you!

BERTHA: And didn’t you read the sign on the front door. It says “No Solickiting.”

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) That’s “No Soliciting,” you nitwit!BERTHA: (To GERTRUDE.) No matter! (To AMANDA and UNCLE

BRAIN.) What are you doing lottering in the lobby? (Lowers her voice to GERTRUDE.) Young thugs, probably trying to steal something.

GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) That’s littering the lobby.UNCLE BRAIN: Actually, it’s loitering in the lobby, and no, we’re not

loiterers. We’re just moving in and—GERTRUDE: (To BERTHA.) Can you believe this insultering

insolence? Insipid, ingracious… I’m incensed!PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a bag. Tries, with difficulty, to

get by BERTHA and GERTRUDE.) Excuse me, please, ladies. (BERTHA and GERTRUDE part to allow him to pass between them as they turn up their noses disapprovingly.)

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D. MOLISH: Ma’am that won’t be necessary… uh—GLADYS: (EXITS RIGHT. Bumps into UNCLE BRAIN as he ENTERS

RIGHT.) Move it, Brainless, I’m in a hurry. Why are there are always people in my way? I’ll be so glad to escape this cramped apartment building!

PETER: (Catches UNCLE BRAIN’S eye and looks back at his newspaper.) This article also states—

D. MOLISH: Please don’t read any more from that article, sir.PETER: (To D. MOLISH.) You don’t look well.D. MOLISH: In fact, I don’t feel well at all. I think… I think that I’ve had

enough for one day. (Stoops to pick up his briefcase and reaches for his hat and coat from the rack.)

EUNICE: But what about the papers you came to sign? You can’t go before we—

D. MOLISH: I’m sorry, but the deal is off! I’ve decided to find a new location for my film studio. Whether it’s from the power lines overhead or the effects of water leaching from the vacant lot next door, these people are all loopy! Besides, my surveyors are experiencing extreme difficulties. Their equipment keeps disappearing into mud sinkholes, while plants and trees keep popping up… out of nowhere! I’m finished here. Good day! (Hurriedly pulls on his coat and slaps his hat on his head.)

EUNICE: Can’t we persuade you to change your mind? I’ll lower the price! (D. MOLISH shakes his head vigorously and EXITS LEFT. EUNICE grabs ERVIN’S arm and follows D. MOLISH.) No, wait—! (She and ERVIN EXIT LEFT. ALL cheer, embrace and ad-lib, congratulating each other.)

MR. PENGULLY: Did you hear that, Pretzel? We don’t have to move! (UNCLE BRAIN and PETER shake hands.)

MADAM LUFTKA: How delightful zat ve do not have to move! I sink zis calls for a celebration! Everyvon is invited to my apartment, right after I unpack! (EXITS RIGHT.)

MR. PENGULLY: A party! That’s a lovely idea! Come along, Pretzel, let’s go unpack your milkbones. (EXITS RIGHT.)

GERTRUDE: Well, Bertha, we may not have gained a sister, but at least we haven’t lost our home.

BERTHA: Terribly, but thankfully and terrifically true. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA EXIT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (A bit chagrined.) That was really great, Dad! I’m sorry that I doubted you.

PETER: That’s all right, Amanda. You actually contributed quite nicely to the outcome with your little outburst back there.

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RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

For preview only

GLADYS: (Glances snobbishly at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN. Unkindly.) New neighbors? Hardly worth your while, is it? (Turns to face BILL again.) Listen, I have come to discuss the poor ventilation in my room. You have also promised me, on several occasions, to install a larger mirror in my bathroom and to affix my nameplate on my outside door. I need a closet expansion, as I am running out of room for my clothes. And, I would like to discuss the cost of rental space for my seasonal shoes and summer hats.

BILL: Miss Glump, there really is nothing I can do about the room’s ventilation. This is an old building, as you know. And I can’t imagine why you need your name attached to the door. Everyone here knows which unit you live in. As for the closet expansion, I—

GLADYS: (Interrupts.) William, shall I call the building’s owner and explain just how unobliging you have been? Hmmm? You might just consider that I have connections.

BILL: (Panics.) No, please, it’s not necessary to call the owner. I’ll attend to those renovations straight away. (Briskly EXITS RIGHT.)

GLADYS: (Smiles to herself and speaks as if to the AUDIENCE.) Now that’s more like it!

UNCLE BRAIN: Uh, Miss Glump…?GLADYS: (Swings around quickly.) Yesssss?UNCLE BRAIN: (Politely extends his hand.) We’re your new

neighbors, Brain and Amanda McGowan.GLADYS: (Ignores his polite gesture.) Brain? Brain?! What kind

of a name is that? And who do you think I am, the welcoming committee?

UNCLE BRAIN: No, I had not made that assumption, however—AMANDA: (Indignant.) He was just trying to be friendly.GLADYS: Well, all right then. I accept visitors from two to four o’clock

p.m., but only for tea—no biscuits. I allow autographs from 11 to 11:30 a.m., but only on days when I don’t have my manicure and pedicure. And absolutely no photographs without my permission!

AMANDA: Why would we want your photograph?GLADYS: (Stares at her, aghast.) Don’t you know who I am?AMANDA: No. Should we?GLADYS: (Snorts angrily and turns on her heel.) Why am I wasting

my time with you? You won’t last here anyway. You’ll be just like all the others. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Flops down on the couch. Holds her head.) I feel like I’ve moved to a different planet… one that’s completely out of orbit!

UNCLE BRAIN: Outburst? What do you mean by outburst? Do you mean a violent emergence from limits or restraints?

AMANDA: (Embarrassed.) No, nothing like that.PETER: (Smiles.) Amanda, why don’t you go find Mr. Bunion to inform

him of the good news and invite him to Maddie’s celebration party. I still have a few more things I need to take care of. (EXITS LEFT. AMANDA turns to EXIT RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Follows her.) Or was it an outburst such as a sudden expression or eruption of emotion?

AMANDA: (Annoyed.) No, not that either… not really.UNCLE BRAIN: An explosion?AMANDA: (Exasperated.) No, Uncle Brain! (She and UNCLE BRAIN

EXIT RIGHT. CHESTER pops his head up from behind the couch to make sure everyone has left. Cranes his neck to make sure both exits are clear, then slinks backwards along the back wall again to EXIT RIGHT.)

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Bumps into CHESTER. Annoyed, yells at him from behind. CHESTER jumps.) Chester, why don’t you walk like a normal person? (Glides haughtily CENTER.) Where is everyone? Where’s the developer? (Holds up a videocassette and a file folder.) I brought my resumé and video for him.

CHESTER: (Responds in a self-satisfied tone.) He left, and he’s not coming back!

GLADYS: What? How extremely rude of him not to wait! Well, maybe I can still catch him. Where did he go?

CHESTER: You may find him talking to his surveyors in the mud puddle next door.

GLADYS: Of course! I’ll go and find him there.CHESTER: Miss Glump, perhaps you should wear some rubber

boots.GLADYS: Rubber boots? Why on earth would I wear those dowdy

old things? No one can make a fashion statement while wearing rubber boots! (EXITS LEFT. CHESTER shrugs with his palms upwards and slinks back behind the couch. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP: Moments later. EUNICE and ERVIN ENTER LEFT and sit down on the couch. They do not notice as PETER quietly ENTERS LEFT behind them and eavesdrops on their conversation.

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UNCLE BRAIN: Outburst? What do you mean by outburst? Do you mean a violent emergence from limits or restraints?

AMANDA: (Embarrassed.) No, nothing like that.PETER: (Smiles.) Amanda, why don’t you go find Mr. Bunion to inform

him of the good news and invite him to Maddie’s celebration party. I still have a few more things I need to take care of. (EXITS LEFT. AMANDA turns to EXIT RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Follows her.) Or was it an outburst such as a sudden expression or eruption of emotion?

AMANDA: (Annoyed.) No, not that either… not really.UNCLE BRAIN: An explosion?AMANDA: (Exasperated.) No, Uncle Brain! (She and UNCLE BRAIN

EXIT RIGHT. CHESTER pops his head up from behind the couch to make sure everyone has left. Cranes his neck to make sure both exits are clear, then slinks backwards along the back wall again to EXIT RIGHT.)

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Bumps into CHESTER. Annoyed, yells at him from behind. CHESTER jumps.) Chester, why don’t you walk like a normal person? (Glides haughtily CENTER.) Where is everyone? Where’s the developer? (Holds up a videocassette and a file folder.) I brought my resumé and video for him.

CHESTER: (Responds in a self-satisfied tone.) He left, and he’s not coming back!

GLADYS: What? How extremely rude of him not to wait! Well, maybe I can still catch him. Where did he go?

CHESTER: You may find him talking to his surveyors in the mud puddle next door.

GLADYS: Of course! I’ll go and find him there.CHESTER: Miss Glump, perhaps you should wear some rubber

boots.GLADYS: Rubber boots? Why on earth would I wear those dowdy

old things? No one can make a fashion statement while wearing rubber boots! (EXITS LEFT. CHESTER shrugs with his palms upwards and slinks back behind the couch. BLACKOUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWOScene Three

LIGHTS UP: Moments later. EUNICE and ERVIN ENTER LEFT and sit down on the couch. They do not notice as PETER quietly ENTERS LEFT behind them and eavesdrops on their conversation.

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GLADYS: (Glances snobbishly at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN. Unkindly.) New neighbors? Hardly worth your while, is it? (Turns to face BILL again.) Listen, I have come to discuss the poor ventilation in my room. You have also promised me, on several occasions, to install a larger mirror in my bathroom and to affix my nameplate on my outside door. I need a closet expansion, as I am running out of room for my clothes. And, I would like to discuss the cost of rental space for my seasonal shoes and summer hats.

BILL: Miss Glump, there really is nothing I can do about the room’s ventilation. This is an old building, as you know. And I can’t imagine why you need your name attached to the door. Everyone here knows which unit you live in. As for the closet expansion, I—

GLADYS: (Interrupts.) William, shall I call the building’s owner and explain just how unobliging you have been? Hmmm? You might just consider that I have connections.

BILL: (Panics.) No, please, it’s not necessary to call the owner. I’ll attend to those renovations straight away. (Briskly EXITS RIGHT.)

GLADYS: (Smiles to herself and speaks as if to the AUDIENCE.) Now that’s more like it!

UNCLE BRAIN: Uh, Miss Glump…?GLADYS: (Swings around quickly.) Yesssss?UNCLE BRAIN: (Politely extends his hand.) We’re your new

neighbors, Brain and Amanda McGowan.GLADYS: (Ignores his polite gesture.) Brain? Brain?! What kind

of a name is that? And who do you think I am, the welcoming committee?

UNCLE BRAIN: No, I had not made that assumption, however—AMANDA: (Indignant.) He was just trying to be friendly.GLADYS: Well, all right then. I accept visitors from two to four o’clock

p.m., but only for tea—no biscuits. I allow autographs from 11 to 11:30 a.m., but only on days when I don’t have my manicure and pedicure. And absolutely no photographs without my permission!

AMANDA: Why would we want your photograph?GLADYS: (Stares at her, aghast.) Don’t you know who I am?AMANDA: No. Should we?GLADYS: (Snorts angrily and turns on her heel.) Why am I wasting

my time with you? You won’t last here anyway. You’ll be just like all the others. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Flops down on the couch. Holds her head.) I feel like I’ve moved to a different planet… one that’s completely out of orbit!

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BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, briskly and boldly. Points at CHESTER. Triumphant.) Ah-ha! There you are, Chester! (CHESTER gasps wildly and stifles a scream with his hands. Runs DOWN CENTER then EXITS LEFT. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN watch him leave, dumbfounded. BILL sinks into the couch with one hand supporting his back.) I’m getting much too old for this. (Nods at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.) You must be the new tenants, the McGowans. I’m Bill Bunion, the manager, the caretaker, the “you name it, it’s my job” man. Welcome to Distinctive Manor. You’ll have to pardon me if I don’t bother with your first names. I don’t expect you to stay long. Most new people don’t. (Sighs.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Points LEFT.) His name is Chester… Chester Field?

BILL: Yup! Good name for him too, since he spends so much time hiding behind it! (Pats the back of the couch.)

AMANDA: Why does he hide and run away? Are you who he calls “Them”?

BILL: Well, I’ve been trying to collect a rent check from him for over two months now. He’s rather paranoid, and he gets worse every year. I guess I’m “Them,” just as much as the postman’s “Them” and the utility man is “Them.” Heck, even Mr. Pengully’s dog is “Them” sometimes.

AMANDA: (Regards him suspiciously.) You don’t actually believe in Pretzel, do you?

BILL: Listen, my dear, in 20 years here, I’ve learned to believe in just about anything. But no, if it eases your mind, I don’t believe in Pretzel, at least not since the real Pretzel died several years ago.

UNCLE BRAIN: So there was once a real Pretzel? That makes sense.

AMANDA: What makes sense?BILL: Of course! He was a nice ol’ dog. Anyway… (Stands up slowly.)

I’m off to see if Chester is lurking about. (Turns to EXIT LEFT, then stops and turns back to UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA.) A word of advice—don’t unpack your boxes too quickly. (Turns again to EXIT LEFT.)

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT. Glides into the room, nose in the air and batting her eyelashes.) Oh, William… (BILL stops abruptly and turns toward her.) …a word, if you will?

BILL: (Sighs, rolls his eyes then turns towards GLADYS with an insincere smile.) Yes, Miss Glump? What can I do for you? I’m rather busy, as you can see. I’m helping our new neighbors settle into the building. (Indicates AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN.)

requires a bit of work. “Genius” is spelled with a “g” not a “j” and breakthrough is one word. Your punctuation—

AMANDA: (Interrupts him, aghast.) Uncle Brain, you’re not supposed to read someone’s journal!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Surprised.) You’re not?AMANDA: No, that’s why it says “Private”! (Holds up the journal and

points out the word “private” on the cover.)UNCLE BRAIN: Do you mean private as in secret and personal, or

private as in for a small, select audience?AMANDA: (Frustrated.) I mean private as in private!UNCLE BRAIN: I see. Well, I’m glad we’re clear on that! By the way,

your dad needs our help pulling those giant weeds from his new garden. They’re real killers. (Holds his back.) That’s one side effect of super soil that he hadn’t counted on.

AMANDA: (Wry.) Yeah, I guess he’ll have to weed out that problem.UNCLE BRAIN: (Chuckles at her joke.) Ah, so you do have a sense

of humor! Amanda, you go ahead. I’ll join you in a bit. (EXITS CENTER.)

AMANDA: (Flips anxiously through her journal as she moves RIGHT and sits. To herself.) I can’t believe he read my journal! Hopefully he didn’t read about my plans to run away. (Starts writing, talking to herself as she goes along.) “Dear Diary, I don’t know what to do now. I almost want to stick around to see how Dad’s new experiment turns out. So far, it’s the first one he’s completed that hasn’t resulted in an explosion! Maybe I’ll just call Jenny and tell her to expect me later than we had arranged.” (Closes journal and EXITS CENTER.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWOScene Two

CURTAIN UP: That afternoon in the lobby of Distinctive Manor, now full of plants. BILL ENTERS LEFT, whistling and carrying a plant, which he places on the floor near the couch. He steps back to admire it.BILL: I have to say that a little greenery really improves the look of

this place! With my budget, I normally couldn’t afford these little extras, but with Mr. McGowan’s new greenhouse, these plants are readily available. It sure looks good. (Shifts the couch slightly UPSTAGE as he rearranges the furniture to fit nicely with the plants. In the process of moving the couch, the envelope from

ACT ONE, Scene Five is now revealed, though unnoticed by BILL. Smiles and starts to whistle again as he EXITS RIGHT.)

MADAM LUFTKA: (Sings with a hoarse voice as she ENTERS RIGHT.) La la la la la la la. (Speaks as if she has a cold.) Oh, it is no use. (Rubs her throat.) I feel a nasty cold coming on. (Sniffles.) It is probably from all zat tromping about in ze mud next door, helping the McGowans pull ze veeds. Vell, I do not mind. Zey is such a nice family, and it is for a goot cause. Super soil… vhat an exciting discovery! (Spots the letter on the ground, holds her magnifying glass to it and picks it up.) Vhat is zis? (Holds the letter at a distance from her face and moves the magnifying glass back and forth.) Oh, I vish my eyesight vas better! (MR. PENGULLY quietly ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.” She addresses him without turning around or taking her eyes off the letter.) Hello, Northrop. (Sniffles.) Hello, Pretzel!

MR. PENGULLY: How do you always know it’s us, Maddie?MADAM LUFTKA: (Turns to look at them.) I may not have goot

eyesight, but I do have excellent hearing. Besides, do you not zink it is time to clip Pretzel’s nails? I could hear zem clicking on ze floor as you came in.

MR. PENGULLY: (Smiles.) Why, yes, you’re quite right, Maddie. He does need his nails clipped. (Kneels down and pats his head.) Don’t you, old boy? (Stands up.) What are you reading?

MADAM LUFTKA: Vell, I do not know. Perhaps you could help me? Achoooo! (Sneezes on the letter before she hands it to him.) Here!

MR. PENGULLY: Uh, I’d be glad to. (Takes the letter, makes a face and turns away from MADAM LUFTKA to wipe the letter before he starts to read aloud.) Dear Mr. William Bunion… (Stops and looks at MADAM LUFTKA.) Where did you get this? It’s Bill Bunion’s personal mail. We should return it to him.

MADAM LUFTKA: I found it just now, on ze floor by ze couch.MR. PENGULLY: (Continues to read in silence. Responds out loud to

the letter as he reads.) Oh, dear… Oh, dear… (Shakes his head.) Oh, my… oh, my… (CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT, unnoticed by the two of them, and slinks behind the couch, listening intently. A worried expression comes across MR. PENGULLY’S face.)

MADAM LUFTKA: Vhat is it? Tell me!MR. PENGULLY: It’s not good, Maddie. (Continues to read silently

and shakes his head. MADAM LUFTKA tries to read with her magnifying glass over his shoulder and then out of frustration, grabs the letter from MR. PENGULLY. GERTRUDE and BERTHA ENTER RIGHT and wait at the entrance, listening with interest to the exchange between MR. PENGULLY and MADAM LUFTKA.)

EUNICE: (Depressed.) Now what am I going to do, Ervin? The sale of this building was going to save me from bankruptcy!

ERVIN: Are you actually asking my advice, Eunice?EUNICE: Is that not obvious?ERVIN: Well, usually you’re telling me what to do. You’ve never

asked my advice on anything.EUNICE: I am now.ERVIN: All right, then… (Pauses.) First of all, I think that you should

not reject your family. It is so obvious to the rest of us that you are their triplet.

EUNICE: (Sighs.) You’re right, Ervin. I was in such shock, I didn’t know what to do.

ERVIN: Are you actually agreeing with me, Eunice?EUNICE: (Frowns.) Yes, I am.ERVIN: I also think that instead of trying to sell Distinctive Manor, you

should find another investor and work with him on rebuilding and refurbishing it. Then, allow these tenants to stay at their current rental rate as part of a grandfather clause.

EUNICE: (Pensive.) Ervin, you know I like that first idea… the one about another investor. (Abrupt.) But, that second part… about not raising the rent… that’s just too generous for me.

ERVIN: (Scolds.) Eunice…EUNICE: (Begrudging.) Oh, all right! But where am I going to find

someone who would actually want to invest in this building, especially with its apparent problems?

PETER: I believe that I can help you with that! (EUNICE and ERVIN turn around, startled. He joins them on the couch.)

EUNICE: You? (Stands up to face him.) Aren’t you worried about leaching soil and the residual effects of power lines?

PETER: No, in fact, I’m a scientist and, with a little time and patience, I can… uh… (Quickly searches for an explanation.) …reverse the effects of those external factors.

ERVIN: (Dubious.) Really? And what about those tenants who have already been affected by it? (CHESTER pops his head up from behind the couch and only PETER sees him.)

PETER: I’m afraid that those… uh… side effects (Looks at CHESTER.) may be rather permanent. Anyway, I’m prepared to make you an offer you can’t refuse. (As the CURTAIN slowly begins to CLOSE, PETER explains his offer in mime to ERVIN and EUNICE, using his hands to occasionally indicate the land next door. CHESTER

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When he finally faces forward, he acts terrorized to see UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA staring at him.) Ahhhhhhhh! Are you… (Whips his head around furtively.) …one of “Them”?

UNCLE BRAIN: Pardon me? No, I believe you would say that I’m one of “Us.” (Indicates himself and then AMANDA.)

CHESTER: (Relaxes.) Ah, such a relief. I couldn’t bear it if one of “Them” moved in here. (Conspiratorial.) “They” are everywhere, you know.

AMANDA: (Regards him suspiciously.) That raincoat looks really familiar. (Pauses.) Hey, I think that’s my dad’s raincoat!

CHESTER: (Hunches down and turns his face away from AMANDA. Peers at her out of the corner of his eyes.) No, no, no… not possible! It’s mine, I tell you. I… I… I found it.

AMANDA: Found it? Where?CHESTER: In… in a box… outside. (Cowers as he speaks.)AMANDA: Then it is my dad’s raincoat! That was one of our moving

boxes. You need to give—UNCLE BRAIN: (Interrupts AMANDA.) That will do, Amanda. I’m

certain that there are dozens of raincoats out there that look exactly like this one. (CHESTER nods vigorously. He lowers his voice.) Be careful, Amanda, things are not always what they seem. (CHESTER straightens up, relieved.)

AMANDA: (Continues to glare at CHESTER. With an impish grin, she points to herself.) You know, I’m one of “Them.”

UNCLE BRAIN: (Gives her a surprised look. Whispers.) Amanda!CHESTER: Oh… oh… oh, no! (Dives behind the couch.)UNCLE BRAIN: Sir, wait! She didn’t mean what she said. (Eyes

AMANDA steadily as he speaks.) She meant no harm. (Peers over the back of the couch at CHESTER.) Please come out. We’d like to introduce ourselves.

CHESTER: (Slowly inches out from behind the couch. Gives AMANDA a hurt and angry glare. Grips the couch and shakes his finger at AMANDA.) This is not a joking matter, you know.

AMANDA: You’re right, I’m not laughing.UNCLE BRAIN: (Intercedes.) We’re your new neighbors, Mr.… uh… ?CHESTER: (Looks around furtively and whispers, his upstage hand

shielding his mouth.) Mr. Field.UNCLE BRAIN: (Enthusiastically extends his hand to greet

CHESTER .) It’s nice to meet you Mr. Field. I’m—CHESTER: (Places his finger to his lips.) Shhhhh! (Glances around

wildly and waves his hands frantically.) Don’t say my name out loud!

GERTRUDE: Why, thank you, Bertha.BERTHA: Where did you get them?GERTRUDE: (Glances sideways, then stands up angrily.) I am not

telling you!BERTHA: (Stands up.) Why not? (They both move towards the EXIT

RIGHT as their argument heats up.)GERTRUDE: Because you will go out and buy the exact same pair.BERTHA: No, I wouldn’t do that.GERTRUDE: Yes you would!BERTHA: I would not. (Continues argument with GERTRUDE as

both move to EXIT RIGHT. CURTAIN.)End of ACT ONE

ACT TWOScene One

SPOTLIGHT UP: Three weeks later in front of the curtain, outside of Distinctive Manor. UNCLE BRAIN saunters back and forth DOWN RIGHT, browsing through his lab notebook. He notices he is also carrying AMANDA’S journal and holds it up.UNCLE BRAIN: What is this? I must have picked it up with my

lab notes by mistake. (Reads.) “Dear Diary, I have the most amazing news! Dad, though unusual, is truly a genius! He has finally made his greatest discovery… dirt! Don’t get me wrong, this is no ordinary dirt. It’s super soil! He claims that his scientific breakthrough will speed plant growth by ten times the normal rate, thereby increasing farming production tenfold. I still don’t understand what all of this means, but I do know he’s pretty excited about it. Actually, everyone in the building is excited. He almost lost his first sample when Gladys seized it, mistaking it for her mud mask solution. But, later, when Dad had a chance to explain what it was, she gave it back, somewhat reluctantly, I might add. Dad has planted a whole garden in the vacant lot next door to demonstrate to everyone his new soil’s effectiveness—”

AMANDA: (Calls from OFF RIGHT.) Uncle Brain? (ENTERS.) Here you are, Uncle Brain. Have you seen my journal?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Looks up from reading her journal.) Why, yes, I believe that I have seen it.

AMANDA: Where?UNCLE BRAIN: It’s right here. (Holds up journal and AMANDA takes

it.) Your cursive writing is quite good, you know, but your spelling

MADAM LUFTKA: (Holds the letter in her fist and shakes it at MR. PENGULLY.) Northrop, vould you please tell me vhat is written in zis letter. Does it affect us?

MR. PENGULLY: (Sad.) Yes, it definitely affects all of us. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA step forward at this news. CHESTER sneaks in close behind all of them.)

GERTRUDE: What’s this disappropriate display? Northrop, I demand that you have the decency to disclose the letter’s details!

MR. PENGULLY: Well, I don’t know… it is Mr. Bunion’s personal letter. (GLADYS ENTERS RIGHT. She lounges in the shadows UP RIGHT and listens to the conversation.)

BERTHA: And you said it affected all of us?CHESTER: (Comes out from his hiding spot and speaks. ALL are

startled.) Tell us, tell us, Northrop.GLADYS: (Leans against the couch next to the OTHERS.) Oh, do

spill the beans, Northrop. I so enjoy reading other people’s mail… the tedious details of their insignificant, little lives. It makes me appreciate the dramatic life that I’ve led. (Sighs. ALL stare at her, aghast. She shrugs off their shocked reaction and responds defensively.) Well, I’ve never read any of your mail, of course!

MR. PENGULLY: (Shakes his head at GLADYS.) Oh, all right. I’ll read it, but only because I believe we’ll hear about it sooner or later. (Takes the letter from MADAM LUFTKA.) The letter basically states that this building is scheduled to be demolished. Its land and the land next door are being sold to a developer who wishes to build a huge, new film studio on the site. The letter is signed by the building’s owner and co-signed by a… I can’t read the name, only the initial E—a Mr. E. Viction. (ALL are shocked except for GLADYS, who claps her hands together and looks heavenward.)

MADAM LUFTKA: Oh, no!GERTRUDE: Unbearable!BERTHA: Unbelievable!GLADYS: A film studio! Such wonderful news! (ALL ignore her.)CHESTER: (Panicked, glances around furtively.) Where… where…

where will we go? This is my… my… our home!MR. PENGULLY: I don’t know, my friends, it seems we’re in a bit of

a bind.GERTRUDE: (Takes the letter from MR. PENGULLY.) What else

does it say? (ALL except GLADYS gather in a semi-circle around the letter. They read silently.)

eavesdrops from behind the couch, a huge grin creeping across his face. EUNICE and ERVIN both stand up and each shakes hands with PETER.)

EUNICE: It’s a deal, Mr. McGowan! (CURTAIN.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWOScene Four

CURTAIN UP: Three months later. AMANDA ENTERS RIGHT and sits cross-legged on the floor DOWN RIGHT. She writes in her journal. UNCLE BRAIN, reading a magazine called “Thyme,” and PETER, reading a newspaper with a headline about himself, sit on the couch. A walkie-talkie lays on the couch near PETER.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, Things

have turned out much better than anyone could have expected. Dad’s super soil has made him an overnight success! His soil has been in huge demand ever since he presented his results at the university. He’s a hero among farmers and gardeners everywhere. He was even voted “Thyme” magazine’s Man of the Year”!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Holds up magazine, showing the title is “Thyme.”) Peter, I can’t get over it… you’re “Thyme’s” Man of the Year!

PETER: (Sets newspaper down that has the headline “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers ‘Super Soil’!” He shyly brushes off his brother’s admiration.) Yes, Brain, but this thyme is spelled t-h-y-m-e.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Picks up discarded newspaper.) You’re on the front page too! Look at this! (Reads.) “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers Super Soil.”

AMANDA: (Continues to talk to herself as she writes.) “As it turned out, Eunice also owned the vacant property next door to Distinctive Manor. She agreed to allow Dad to continue with his soil experimentation, and he agreed to invest some of his newly earned soil wealth into renovating and rebuilding Distinctive Manor. Much to the surprise and delight of Gertrude and Bertha, Eunice acknowledged that she is their sister and triplet. The three of them are now enjoying shopping together and making plans to redecorate the building.”

EUNICE: (ENTERS LEFT with GERTRUDE and BERTHA. Each carries a shopping bag while ERVIN trails behind, loaded down with packages and bags.) Ervin, do not drop any of those packages! There are full of frail and fragile light fixtures with fine filaments!

ERVIN: Yes, Eunice.

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MADAM LUFTKA: Oh, so you have met Pretzel already? I am afraid zat he vould not be very effective. He is rather sedentary, you know. He vould not harm a flea, and his bark is much vorse zen his bite… if you know vat I say. Anyvays, I hate to be seeming rude, but I really must scurry. I have left my supper in ze oven. Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta. (Awkwardly bumps into both sides of the door frame as she EXITS RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Who is Pretzel?AMANDA: That’s what I was trying to tell you. He ‘s an imaginary

dog! He belongs to a man named Northrop Pengully.UNCLE BRAIN: Ah, I see, an imaginary dog… the best kind. Man’s

best friend without the barking, the fleas, the mess—AMANDA: No, seriously, Uncle Brain. Just wait until you meet them.

He even insisted that I pet the dog. And now there’s this Madam Loofa, or whatever her name is. Why do you think she uses that magnifying glass? And what’s with the inner tube around her waist?

UNCLE BRAIN: (With a perplexed look.) Is wearing an inner tube unusual? I didn’t know. It might be the latest fashion. It’s so hard to keep up with these things—

AMANDA: (Exasperated.) Really, Uncle Brain!PETER: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a motorcycle helmet, swimming

goggles, yellow rubber gloves and a plastic garbage bag as a raincoat.) Well, I’m off to pick up some take-out for dinner. Anyone want to come along for the ride?

UNCLE BRAIN: I think I’ll decline at this time, Peter.AMANDA: No, thanks! Uh… Dad, wait. (Stares at PETER.) Where’s

the new raincoat I bought you for Christmas?PETER: It must still be packed. I couldn’t find it anywhere. (Glances

down at his plastic bag.) But that’s okay, this will do for now. (AMANDA grimaces and rolls her eyes, but says nothing. PETER EXITS LEFT.)

PETER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, pardon me, I didn’t see you there. Are you all right?

CHESTER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT, speaks in staccato.) Fine, fine, just fine.

CHESTER: (ENTERS LEFT, backwards, wearing a dark, hooded raincoat with the hood pulled over his head. He moves in a furtive, stealthy manner, as if he is looking for something and afraid of being caught at the same time. Still backwards, he heads UP RIGHT behind the couch. He circles the couch, facing backwards.

GLADYS: Bertha, I see that you have found my mud mask solution. I have been searching everywhere for it. Hand it over! (Grabs the jar from BERTHA.)

PETER: (Grabs GLADYS’S arm as she is about to EXIT RIGHT.) No, ma’am, please. (GLADYS turns to glare at him. He stops in his tracks, stunned.) Gladys? Gladys Glump? (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN exchange a surprised look.)

GLADYS: Yes, the one and only. Kindly unhand me, sir. Autographs only between 11 and 11:30 a.m. (Removes his hand from her arm and EXITS RIGHT.)

PETER: (About to follow her.) Gladys, wait! About that mud—BILL: (ENTERS LEFT. Soaked from head to foot. Looks absolutely

dismayed by the mud on PETER’S boots. Crosses to stand near couch CENTER.) Mr. McGowan, sir, stop right there! I just finished cleaning up this lobby, and you are the second person to come tromping through here with muddy boots on! Please, please step outside! (PETER, UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA “with Pretzel” EXIT LEFT. BILL shakes the rain from his clothes, in the process knocking the envelope out of his pocket. It falls near the couch, unnoticed. He EXITS RIGHT. CHESTER appears from behind the couch, looking RIGHT to make sure BILL is gone. Unnoticed by BERTHA and GERTRUDE, he stealthily hides the envelope under the couch then furtively EXITS RIGHT.)

GERTRUDE: (She and BERTHA are now alone. They sit down next to each other on the couch, prim and proper, hands folded on their laps. Every move they make is exactly the same, i.e., they cross their legs in the same direction at the same time.) Well, really! Such behavior baffles my brain.

BERTHA: Befuddling!GERTRUDE: Boggling!BERTHA: Bewildering! (Pauses.) I wonder where Mr. Bunion

unearthed such unusual tenants? (Pauses again and then laughs out loud when she realizes she just uttered a pun.) Do you get it?

GERTRUDE: (Gives BERTHA a sideways glance for a moment before speaking.) Ah, yes, unearthed… dug up… found… mud, yes, I get it. Bertha, you are such a twit.

BERTHA: (Taken aback.) Twit? You mean wit? I’m such a wit!GERTRUDE: Yes, yes of course. I meant wit. You’re a wit.BERTHA: (Beams from the compliment. Both sit there quietly for

a moment. Gradually notices GERTRUDE’S shoes and sidles closer to her.) You know, those are really nice shoes, Gertrude.

BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, whistling cheerfully. Surprised by the crowd in the lobby.) Oh, hello, everyone!

BERTHA: (Moves towards BILL and points at him accusingly.) You… you treacherous, tricky traitor!

GERTRUDE: (Also moves towards BILL. Wags her finger menacingly.) Treasonous, truth-hiding turncoat!

BILL: (Shocked and confused.) Traitor? Turncoat? What are you talking about?

MR. PENGULLY: Mr. Bunion, allow me to explain, if you will. Maddie, here, stumbled upon a piece of your mail. Not realizing what it was or who it belonged to, she asked me to help her read it. (Holds out letter to BILL.) I’m sure you understand our concerns regarding its contents.

BILL: (Takes the letter without glancing at it.) No. (ALL except GLADYS look at him, shocked, then BILL realizes how his statement sounds.) I mean, no, I haven’t even had a chance to read this letter. In fact, I forgot all about it ’til just now. It was delivered weeks ago, but I guess I lost it before I ever read it.

MADAM LUFTKA: (Impatient.) Read it now, Bill.BILL: (Reads letter quickly. Shock registers on his face.) This building

is to be demolished… next week?ALL: (Except GLADYS.) Next week?!GLADYS: Is there an echo in here? (CHESTER makes a terrified

face and gasps, then flees behind the couch.)BILL: Unbelievable. Why?! This is completely unreasonable! I don’t

understand. I know the building is old and rundown, but I never expected this. This is so sudden.

GLADYS: (Unfazed by the news, she examines her nails and sits on the couch.) Well, William, I guess this lets you off the hook regarding those renovations you promised me. Now you can help me pack my clothes and move all of my things. I’ll find a new place, nearby… such a dream to be within walking distance of a film studio!

MADAM LUFTKA: Gladys, could you not be a little more sensitive? Has it not occurred to you how zis news affects everyvon else here? Zis has been our home for many years. How vill any of us afford a new place? (GLADYS shrugs indifferently.)

MR. PENGULLY: Gladys, do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?

GLADYS: (Looks at MR. PENGULLY as if this thought has never occurred to her.) No. (Takes out a makeup compact and begins to

GERTRUDE: (Pulls some flamboyant, ugly fabric from her bag and holds it up against the section of the couch between PETER and UNCLE BRAIN.) What do you think? I thought it would be perfect for reupholstering and refurbishing this ruined, rotten couch. (BERTHA and EUNICE nod in agreement and utter approval while PETER and UNCLE BRAIN glance at the material and give each other a pained look, then return to their reading.)

BERTHA: (Pulls out some similarly flamboyant, ugly wallpaper to show her sisters.) Look at what I found in the best bargains bin at Bargain Basement… what a steal! Isn’t it lovely, luscious wallpaper for the lobby?

GERTRUDE: Oh, yes! It will match marvelously with my material for the couch.

PETER: (Hesitates and looks at UNCLE BRAIN then EUNICE.) You know, Eunice, with the sum of money that I invested, you could hire several interior designers and buy all new furnishings.

EUNICE: Yes, Mr. McGowan, I realize that. But, it’s much more fun to do it this way! Come along, girls. Oh, and Ervin, you, too. We have carpet sale samples to select! (EXITS RIGHT with BERTHA and GERTRUDE. ERVIN, loaded down with packages, struggles to follow them.)

AMANDA: (Continues) “For all of her help pulling weeds next door, Dad designed some special glasses for Maddie Luftka. She no longer needs to wear an inner tube or use a magnifying glass to see. Since she can now read music, she has even joined her church choir.”

MADAM LUFTKA: (ENTERS LEFT. Holds a newspaper.) Hallelujah, hallelujah! Oh, how lovely it is to see properly! I can read ze paper now! (Stops to speak to PETER.) Did you know zat your name is in every newspaper zat I have picked up zis veek? (PETER nods modestly.) My my my my my my my. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “After we convinced Eunice to bend her rules about pets in the building, we bought Mr. Pengully a brand new dog. We thought that this new pet could replace Pretzel, but Mr. Pengully had different ideas about this…”

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT with two leashes, one empty to represent Pretzel and a new leash with a real or stuffed dog, Peanut.) Come along for your walk, Pretzel. You too, Peanut! I am so glad that the weather has finally cleared up. There’s nothing like the warmth of sunshine following weeks of rain! Besides, it’s difficult holding onto an umbrella when I have two leashes! (EXITS LEFT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “As for Chester… well… Uncle Brain’s scientific curiosity prompted him to do a bit of research to find

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AMANDA: (Continues.) —a guy who walks an—MADAM LUFTKA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Sings louder.) La la

la la la la la.AMANDA: (Shouts over MADAM LUFTKA’S voice.) —who walks an

imaginary dog!UNCLE BRAIN: (Ignores AMANDA and stares with interest as

MADAM LUFTKA ENTERS LEFT.) Now, who is this, I wonder?MADAM LUFTKA: (Wears a cape and holds a magnifying glass in

front of her eyes. Removes her cape, draping it over one arm, to reveal an inner tube around her waist. Typical of how she always speaks, she sings the following lines in an operatic fashion, like someone playing scales on a piano.) Me me me me me me me, me me me me me me me, me me me me me… oh, my— (Stops and peers closely at AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN through the magnifying glass. Speaks with a strong foreign accent.) Hello, zere, are you my new neighbors?

AMANDA: (Softly to herself.) Oh, I hope not.UNCLE BRAIN: (Raises his eyebrows at AMANDA. Steps forward

and extends his hand.) We are. I’m Brain McGowan, and this… (Gives AMANDA a little shove forward.) …is my niece, Amanda.

MADAM LUFTKA: My my my my my my my… how lovely it is to meet vit you. (Curtsies.) I do hope you vill stay a vile. Ze last people did not stay long.

AMANDA: (Under her breath, sarcastic.) I wonder why.MADAM LUFTKA: I am Madam Luftka, but you may call me Maddie,

short for Madeleine.UNCLE BRAIN: Are you an opera singer, Maddie?MADAM LUFTKA: Vell, I am flattered that you vould ask, sir, but no.

I do zese singing varm ups so zat my voice remains limber. You see, I need a strong voice to frighten off ze dozens of cats zat gather at night in ze vacant lot next door. (Looks at UNCLE BRAIN intensely.) Zey fight constantly outside my vindow.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Responds politely, with interest.) Cat fights… at night? How do you manage any sleep?

MADAM LUFTKA: It is much better now. I just hit ze high note… (Sings an ear-piercing note. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN cringe.) …and zey all scram, just like zat!

UNCLE BRAIN: Yes, I can see how that would be effective.AMANDA: (In a saccharine tone.) You should just send Pretzel out to

chase away all those cats.

noticed that someone had misspelled it. They kept it that way, deciding that fate had dictated that I would become the brains of the family.

AMANDA: (Somewhat delicately.) And did it turn out that way?UNCLE BRAIN: No, not at all. Your father turned out to be, by far,

the true brains of the family. (CHESTER ENTERS LEFT, wearing his raincoat with the hood up. He looks triumphant and pleased with himself. He moves furtively along the back wall, but he is not as wary as usual. He holds two spray bottles in his hands as if they are guns and blows on the ends of each of them as if he is blowing away smoke. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN regard CHESTER with curiosity. He tips his hood at AMANDA and then slinks behind the couch.)

AMANDA: (Turns to face UNCLE BRAIN, puzzled.) You know, this has just occurred to me… is Dad as… unusual as the people who live here at Distinctive Manor?

UNCLE BRAIN: Do you mean unusual as in rare, beyond the ordinary… or unusual as in odd or peculiar?

AMANDA: (Contemplative.) I mean unusual as in… (Pauses and glances in the direction of the couch where CHESTER disappeared.) …well, both rare and peculiar, I guess.

UNCLE BRAIN: Your father’s unique. He does his own thing. I’ve always admired him for that. Someday he’s going to discover something really great.

AMANDA: You think so?UNCLE BRAIN: I know it.PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, excitedly, carrying a jar of mud. He wears

muddy boots, a muddy plastic bag as a raincoat, mud-splattered goggles, a rain hat and gloves.) Eureka! Eureka! (Pauses to catch his breath.) I’ve made the ultimate discovery! Super soil! (UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA glance at each other in amazement.)

BERTHA: (ENTERS RIGHT with GERTRUDE.) Oh, dear, such a disgraceful, dreadful display! (Points accusingly at PETER.) Frolicking frivolously and foolishly around in mud puddles!

GERTRUDE: Shamefully soiling and saturating our lobby with sedimentary substances.

BERTHA: (Notices the jar of mud for the first time.) And… sneaking the soiled substances inside. (Grabs the jar from PETER.) I’ll dispose of that! (Turns to EXIT LEFT with the jar of mud. GLADYS ENTERS RIGHT and quickly crosses LEFT.)

PETER: No! No! You don’t understand! Wait!

powder her nose, then picks up her fashion magazine and reads it. ALL except GLADYS turn to leave.)

GERTRUDE: (Hisses at GLADYS.) Selfish!BERTHA: Self-centered!GERTRUDE: Self-indulged. Come along, Bertha! Let’s go pack. (She

and BERTHA EXIT RIGHT.)MADAM LUFTKA: (As she EXITS RIGHT.) Vell, at least I can say

good riddance to ze cats next door! Although, I have no idea vhere I vill go—

BILL: No, wait, folks, don’t start packing yet. Maddie, thanks for finding this letter. (Referring to letter.) Apparently, there’s even to be a meeting here this afternoon with the developer. This is distressing news, but there might be something we can do. (Holds onto MR. PENGULLY’S arm to detain him.) What do you think, Northrup?

MR. PENGULLY: What do I think? I think that I need to find myself and Pretzel a new home. (Leans down to pat and talk soothingly to Pretzel, then straightens up again.) And… I think that you need to start looking for a new job. There’s nothing you can do if the owner has already agreed to sell to a developer. The letter was quite clear on that point. Please excuse me, Bill. I have to go and read through the rental ads. Come along, Pretzel. (EXITS RIGHT.)

BILL: (To himself. Depressed.) It’s no use. Even if I update my resume, having “Manager of Distinctive Manor” written as my work experience won’t impress anyone. (Sighs.) I guess I should go and pack, too. (EXITS RIGHT. CHESTER, who is still behind the couch, with head and shoulders showing, begins to sob into the back of the couch.)

GLADYS: (Glares at CHESTER. Annoyed.) Do you mind? (CHESTER lets out another sob, gives her a hurt look, then gets up and EXITS RIGHT.)

PETER: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying empty test tubes and wearing lab goggles on his head and a dark raincoat identical to CHESTER’S. He gives CHESTER a concerned backwards glance. Crosses to the couch.) Hello, Gladys.

GLADYS: You’re just the person I wish to speak with.PETER: (Stops. Taken aback.) I am?GLADYS: Do you have any more of that mud?PETER: Why, yes, of course. I’ve just produced a large, new sample

of it. I didn’t realize that you were interested in my study. (Excited to share his news.) Did you know that just yesterday I presented my results to a group of respected scientists at the university and—

out more about this man who hides behind furniture and fears the unknown “Them.” He discovered that a Mr. Chester Field had wandered away from a retirement home for spies. Chester was quite distraught when he discovered that my uncle had determined his true identity. However, when Dad offered him a job as chief of security for his super soil experimental field, Chester was thrilled.” (SOUND EFFECT: A GARBLED VOICE COMING THROUGH A WALKIE-TALKIE.)

PETER: (Sets aside his newspaper and picks up the walkie-talkie from the couch near where he is sitting. Responds to the call.) Yes, Chester. Go ahead. (Pauses to listen as the unintelligible VOICE ON THE WALKIE-TALKIE CONTINUES.) Yes… mm-hmm… yes, I see. I agree. We’ll have to do something about those cats! What’s that? You’ve discovered who their leader is? That’s great. Thanks, Chester! Keep up the great work! Over and out. (Sets down the walkie-talkie.)

AMANDA: (Still reads as she writes.) “At Ervin’s insistence, Eunice gave Bill Bunion a substantial raise since he hadn’t received one in over 20 years. Ervin also insisted that Bill take a nice, long vacation to make up for the fact that he had never had one.”

BILL: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a suitcase and wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and sandals.) I’m off! I trust that everything will be taken care of in my absence. (CHESTER ENTERS LEFT, wearing a security uniform with a walkie-talkie attached to the belt. Walks tall and proud.)

PETER: Don’t worry about a thing, Bill.BILL: (Places suitcase on the floor and shakes PETER’S hand.)

Thanks so much for everything!PETER: Please, don’t mention it. And have a great vacation!BILL: (Picks up his suitcase and attempts to EXIT LEFT. CHESTER

stands directly in his path. Annoyed.) Chester, excuse me, I have a plane to catch.

CHESTER: (Grabs a hold of BILL’S suitcase.) Not before I search your bag.

BILL: (Exasperated.) What? Chester, this is not necessary. (They start a tug-of-war over the suitcase.)

CHESTER: I’m chief of security—BILL: Yes… for the mud puddle next door.CHESTER: Has anyone unknown to you handled this suitcase?BILL: No, no one!CHESTER: Have you left this case unattended at any time?

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again and speaks to AMANDA.) Oh, I’m terribly sorry! He’s just excited to meet someone new. (Leans forward to stare at the front of AMANDA’S pants.) Uh-oh! (Looks up at AMANDA.) I’m sorry about that, too! (Points to AMANDA’S knees.)

AMANDA: (Baffled.) About what? (Glances down at the front of her pants and then stares back at MR. PENGULLY.)

MR. PENGULLY: What can I… let’s see here. (Pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and uses it to dab at AMANDA’S knees.)

AMANDA: (Aghast.) What are you doing?MR. PENGULLY: (Stops dabbing at AMANDA’S knees, clasps the

handkerchief in both hands, hunches slightly, awkwardly tilting his head to one side.) Oh, dear! Pretzel has managed to get some muddy paw prints on your pants.

AMANDA: (Stares down at her pants again.) I don’t see any paw prints.

MR. PENGULLY: (Leans forward and points at AMANDA’S knees.) They’re right—

AMANDA: (Interrupts, signals him to stop.) You know, it’s all right, really! Don’t worry about it.

MR. PENGULLY: (Straightens up.) Well, we must go and prepare our dinner. We have rather rumbly tummies, you know. (Pats his stomach.) It’s nice to have met you, my dear. Oh, I beg your pardon. We haven’t really met, have we? I don’t know your name.

AMANDA: It’s Amanda. Amanda McGowan.MR. PENGULLY: Mine’s Pengully. Northrop Pengully. And you’ve

already met Pretzel. It’s a real pleasure to meet you! (Turns to leave and calls over his shoulder.) Welcome to your new home, Amanda McGowan! (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: Uh… thanks. (Places her palm to her forehead.) How strange can you get? What has Dad gotten us into now? (Shakes her head.) I am definitely not staying here!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Pokes his head OUT, then ENTERS RIGHT. He wears a clean lab coat.) Amanda, do you plan to stand around musing all day, or do you think you could carry up a few boxes?

AMANDA: Uncle Brain, you will never believe what I just saw!UNCLE BRAIN: I am always prepared to suspend disbelief…AMANDA: (Pauses to give him a strange look.) I just met a guy

who—MADAM LUFTKA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Sings operatic

scales.) La la la la la la la. (AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN both glance in the direction of MADAM LUFTKA’S voice.)

AMANDA: (Anxious.) Well, don’t let me keep you from your observations, Uncle. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT but stops as MR. PENGULLY ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.”)

MR. PENGULLY: Oh, Amanda, my dear, you’re still here… good! I have a small favor to ask of you.

AMANDA: Mr. Pengully, I really can’t. I have to—MR. PENGULLY: It will only take a short time. You see, I must get to

the shops before they close. I’ve run out of doggie treats and a few other items. Now, where’s my list? (Fumbles in his coat pocket and pulls out a very long list.) Ah, here it is! Anyway, I would like you to watch Pretzel for me while I’m out.

AMANDA: Well, actually, I—MR. PENGULLY: (Continues as if he hasn’t heard her.) The

shopkeepers don’t allow pets, and I hate to leave poor Pretzel tied up outside in this miserable rain. He gets lonely being by himself in the apartment, and he scratches the furniture. He’s taken such a liking to you that I know he’ll be perfectly happy. Thank you, dear! (Hurriedly hands AMANDA Pretzel’s leash and EXITS LEFT.)

AMANDA: But, I… (Stares after him as he leaves, then sits down on the arm of the couch and looks at her watch.) …this is so frustrating! (Gesticulates with the leash in her hand, waving it in the air.) I have important things to do too!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Watches her wave the leash around, following its motion with his head.) Uh… Amanda, poor Pretzel’s getting a little dizzy, don’t you think?

AMANDA: (Stops and looks up at the leash.) Oh, sorry, Pretzel! (Gently directs the leash back toward the ground and sighs.) Can I leave him with you, Uncle Brain? I’m sure he’d be okay with you.

UNCLE BRAIN: Now that won’t do, will it, Amanda? Can you imagine how betrayed Mr. Pengully would feel if he discovered that you had abandoned Pretzel?

AMANDA: I guess you’re right. I suppose I’m stuck here for the time being. (Stares at the ceiling. Quietly, to herself.) There’s always the next bus.

UNCLE BRAIN: What did you say?AMANDA: Oh, nothing! (Takes off her coat, lays it across her

knees and attempts to change the subject.) Uncle Brain, I was wondering, how did you get such a, well… interesting name?

UNCLE BRAIN: My parents—your grandparents—had intended to name me Brian, but when my birth certificate arrived, they

GLADYS: (Interrupts him. Impatient.) That’s nice. Do you think I could have some more of it? It did wonders for my pores.

PETER: Well, I don’t see why not—GLADYS: Good, please just leave some outside my door… it’s the

one with the star on it.PETER: (Starts to EXIT LEFT, hesitates and turns back.) Gladys…GLADYS: Yes. (Disinterested. Stares at her magazine.)PETER: Don’t you remember me?GLADYS: (Looks up, mildly startled.) Remember you? From where?PETER: From high school.GLADYS: High school? (Makes a dismissive gesture with her hand.)

That was another life.PETER: Maybe this will help. (Lowers the goggles over his eyes,

slicks back his hair and slides a pencil behind his ear.)GLADYS: (Peers curiously at him over her magazine, then drops it

suddenly.) Wait a minute. Yes, I do remember you now. You were that kid who always hung out in the science lab. Didn’t you blow up something in there once?

PETER: (Proud.) Yes, that was me. So you do remember me? (Puts his lab goggles back on top of his head.)

GLADYS: (Yawns.) Vaguely. (Returns to her magazine.) I see that you haven’t changed.

PETER: And so you’ve become an… (Hesitates.) …actress?GLADYS: (Brightens.) Of course, haven’t you seen any of my films?PETER: (Polite.) I’m not sure. Can you name some of them for me?GLADYS: Well, let me see, there have been so many. My first one

was “One Flew Over the Loony Bird’s Nest.” Then there was “Attack of the Killer Turnips,” followed by “And Then There Were Nuns.”

PETER: I’m sorry, Gladys. I’m afraid I haven’t heard of any of those movies.

GLADYS: How about “Titanic”?PETER: Why, yes! I’ve seen that one. What role did you play?GLADYS: (Proud.) I was a passenger… in the water. Do you

remember me?PETER: I… uh… no, I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t watch it very carefully.

(GLADYS rolls her eyes, mutters a little “Hrrmph” sound and goes back to her magazine. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN ENTER LEFT, each wearing a raincoat. CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT, wearing his dark raincoat. He lurks around UP CENTER.)

BILL: No, Chester… this is silly! (He and CHESTER continue the tug-of-war with the suitcase as they EXIT LEFT.)

AMANDA: (Continues.) “Then there’s Gladys. We found her up to her neck in mud next door. It turns out that when she headed over there in search of the developer, her heels got stuck in the mud. I guess she proceeded to sink from there. We were able to pull her out, but we never did recover her resumé, portfolio or videocassette. Surprisingly, she wasn’t upset by this loss. She said that being stuck in the mud had given her some time to think, and she had decided on a career change. Just last week, she launched the first of her Gladys Glump skin care products, which feature mud facial masks and body soaks.”

GLADYS: (ENTERS RIGHT with mud on her face, carrying several containers of her products.) Would anyone like to buy some Glump Glamour products? (PETER and UNCLE BRAIN shake their heads. AMANDA hides her face behind her journal.) Well, you simply don’t know what you are missing! (EXITS LEFT in a huff.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Why do I get the feeling that I know where that mud came from?

PETER: Me, too, I guess I’ll have to tighten up on security next door.AMANDA: (Closes her journal and addresses the AUDIENCE.) As

for me, Uncle Brain and Dad… we’re all content to stay put for now. Dad’s happy because his work is next door and Uncle Brain is working as his assistant. Plus… (Picks up a roll of blue prints that are leaning against the couch and unrolls it.) …it looks like I’m going to get that swimming pool, hot tub and theatre after all. I’ve just had a sneak preview of the plans for the all-new Distinctive Manor!

END OF PLAY

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AUDIENCE and picks up a box. He has a large, dark, round stain on the back of his lab coat. EXITS RIGHT. AMANDA peers at him, frowning. She picks up an empty soda can from the spot on the couch where he had been sitting and stares at it, then covers her mouth with her hand to stifle a giggle. Smiling to herself, she picks up some of the Styrofoam pieces. She reaches to pick up pieces from behind some boxes, obstructing her from the AUDIENCE.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS LEFT and pauses just inside the entrance. He carries an open umbrella and walks Pretzel, an imaginary dog represented by a stiffened leash with an open, empty collar to resemble a dog being walked. To Pretzel.) There now, Pretzel, did you enjoy your walk? It’s a tad nippy out there, isn’t it? (Mimes shaking the rain off his umbrella, then folds it up and tucks it under his arm.) I wish that this dratted rain would stop. We could certainly use a little sunshine in our lives. (Notices the boxes for the first time.) Oh, look! Someone is moving in! What a lovely surprise! (AMANDA peers from behind the boxes. She stares in disbelief first at the empty leash, then at MR. PENGULLY and back at the leash again.) What shall we have for dinner tonight? Does steak and kidney pie sound scrumptious to you? (Pauses.) Jolly good, then, I… (AMANDA stands up slowly. He sees her.) …oh, hello. I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.

AMANDA: (Slips out cautiously from behind the boxes, tongue-tied, eyes glued to the leash.) Uh, yeah, I was… uh… I was picking up these things. (Holds out some Styrofoam pieces. Drops a few on the ground.)

MR. PENGULLY: I see. No, no, Pretzel! (Tugs on the leash.) Those are not edible. I’ll get you some doggie treats when we get up to our apartment. (To AMANDA.) I need to keep my eye on him. He’ll eat anything, you know.

AMANDA: (Eyes him suspiciously.) Uh-huh… hmmmm. I see, so that’s your dog?

MR. PENGULLY: Why, yes. This is Pretzel! You’re frightened of him, is that it? You really don’t need to be. Pretzel’s a harmless, old dog. Go on… you can pet him if you like.

AMANDA: (Backs away.) No, that’s all right.MR. PENGULLY: Oh, go on, he likes you, I can tell.AMANDA: (Moves closer and bends down awkwardly to pat the

imaginary dog on the head.) Nice doggie.MR. PENGULLY: (Suddenly raises the leash as if the dog has jumped

on AMANDA. She jumps back in surprise.) No! No! Pretzel, down! We don’t jump on people! (Pulls the leash down to dog height

AMANDA: (Incredulous.) She has a fan club?BILL: No.AMANDA: Then where do all those letters come from?BILL: She sends them to herself. I’ve seen her mail them every week.

She spends a lot of money on postage. Someone who does that must be pretty lonely, don’t you think?

AMANDA: Yeah, I guess so. (Glances at her watch again.) Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about, Mr. Bunion, but I really—

BILL: While you’re thinking, let’s get rid of that mud before it cakes and falls on my clean floor. (Kneels on one knee next to AMANDA, clutches a piece of her coat and aims the spray bottle at it.)

CHESTER: (Rushes from behind the couch with a spray bottle.) Stop, don’t shoot! (To AMANDA.) Have no fear, I will protect you! (Sprays BILL with water.)

BILL: No, Chester, I’m just cleaning her coat. (Annoyed.) Chester! (Runs OFF LEFT, followed by CHESTER, who continues to spray him with water.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (ENTERS RIGHT. Amused.) Well, aren’t you a sight! You know, earth brown is definitely your color!

AMANDA: (Makes a face at him.) Thanks. (Picks up her rubber boots and turns to EXIT RIGHT.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Examines the couch carefully, pats it and gingerly sits on it. Writes in his notepad. Speaks these lines imitating Gertrude and Bertha, but not mocking them.) Wait, Amanda. (AMANDA stops.) While you’ve been frolicking in the mud, I’ve been fraternizing with friendly folks, finding out fascinating features and facts.

AMANDA: You know, Uncle Brain, I really have to get upstairs and uh… (Stalls to think of an excuse.) …change my clothes.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Briefly looks up from his notes.) Going somewhere, are you? (Returns to his writing. AMANDA gives him a sharp look as if to say “How would you know?”) Curiously enough, Gertrude and Bertha have a triplet who was separated from them at birth. They’ve devoted their entire lives to searching for her.

AMANDA: (Disinterested.) Really? I didn’t know they were even speaking to us.

UNCLE BRAIN: Oh, they’ll talk… to anyone who will listen. (Rubs his ear.) They nearly talked my ear off. (Stops writing in his notebook and looks up at AMANDA.) People make such fascinating subjects for scientific study.

AMANDA: (Out of breath.) Dad! Dad, some surveyors have just arrived! They’re out in your garden and your mud— (Pauses.) Hey, Dad. You’re wearing your raincoat!

PETER: (Looks intently at AMANDA.) Well, yes. I unpacked the last box, and there it was… so, you were saying?

AMANDA: (Notices CHESTER. Distracted.) They’re… uh… setting up their equipment… uh… right in… (CHESTER gives AMANDA a smug, “I told you so” look, then EXITS LEFT.) …in the middle of your experimental puddle of… (Gapes at the LEFT EXIT.) …super soil.

PETER: (Anxious. Turns to UNCLE BRAIN.) What’s this about, Brain?

UNCLE BRAIN: When I inquired as to what was going on, I was informed that the land had been sold and a new development was underway. The foreman said that the developer was scheduled to arrive shortly and that he would not welcome trespassers on his private property.

PETER: Oh, dear, this could ruin everything! I must go and… (Starts to EXIT LEFT.)

GLADYS: (Glances up from her magazine.) Oh, didn’t Mr. Bunion tell you?

PETER: Tell us what, Gladys?GLADYS: (Speaks in a nonchalant manner.) That this building has

also been sold. Distinctive Manor is scheduled to be demolished next week. (Beams.) They’re going to build a new film studio! Isn’t that grand?

PETER: What?! That’s unheard of… one week!GLADYS: He didn’t tell you then. Typical, never a thought for others.

(Rises regally from the couch.) I’ve got to go and pack my things. (Starts to EXIT RIGHT. Calls out as she leaves.) Make sure you get me some of that mud before those surveyors stomp all over it! (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: Dad, what are we going to do? The surveyors will ruin your experimental super soil, and all of these people will lose their homes. We need to do something! (PETER looks pensive.)

UNCLE BRAIN: Amanda, I thought you believed that these people were, how did you put it, “a bit odd”? Now you’re crusading for their homes?

AMANDA: I guess you could say they’ve grown on me.PETER: Listen, don’t worry about a thing. I have a plan that just might

work. Let’s go out and speak with those surveyors. (He, UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA EXIT LEFT. After a beat, BILL ENTERS

PRODUCTION NOTESPROPERTIES

ONSTAGE: Coat rack, couch with mismatched (or missing) cushions, chair and/or coffee table or side table.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One:Journal with “PRIVATE!” written on the cover, a pen (AMANDA)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Two: Several moving boxes (some filled with Styrofoam packing pieces), a few suitcases, an empty soda can.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two:Science magazine (UNCLE BRAIN)Miner’s headlamp, two boxes, motorcycle helmet, swimming

goggles, yellow rubber gloves, plastic garbage bag (worn as a coat), fast food take-out bag (PETER)

Umbrella, a stiffened dog leash with an empty collar, handkerchief (MR. PENGULLY)

Magnifying glass (MADAM LUFTKA)Raincoat (CHESTER)Shopping bags, umbrellas (GERTRUDE, BERTHA)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Three: Desk, chair, wastepaper basket, typewriter or laptop computer, paper, pen, envelope.

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Four:Large backpack, wallet with money in it, journal, pen (AMANDA)Rubber boots (UNCLE BRAIN)

ONSTAGE, ACT ONE, Scene Five: Stryofoam packing pieces (placed under the couch cushions as well as on the floor, under the couch), spray bottle filled with water (hidden behind the couch).

BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Five:Sealed envelope, clipboard with a piece of paper and pen

attached to it (ERVIN)Raincoat, rubber boots covered in mud (AMANDA)Broom, dustpan, newspaper, spray bottle filled with water, rag

(BILL)Pretzel’s leash with a gold medal and blue ribbon attached to it,

coat, very long list (MR. PENGULLY)Sunglasses, scarf, handful of sealed, stamped envelopes

(GLADYS)Notepad, pen (UNCLE BRAIN)Raincoat, two spray bottles (CHESTER)Muddy plastic bag (worn as a raincoat), muddy boots, mud-

splattered goggles, rain hat, gloves, jar of mud (PETER)

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UNCLE BRAIN: Ah, yes, cooties… pesky little things. Amanda, you really should strive to use correct terms. Cootie is a slang term for a louse. I am unsure of the origin of the word cootie, although I wonder… (Looks off as if lost in thought.) …oh, look, here’s one! (Reaches to pick something off AMANDA’S shoulder.)

AMANDA: (Shrieks. Jumps about, shakes her head and brushes off her shoulder.) Eewwwhh! Where is it? Get it off! Get it off!

UNCLE BRAIN: (Mildly amused.) Actually, there wasn’t one. I was merely testing a hypothesis that I had about your reaction to a potential louse… or cootie, as you call it.

AMANDA: (Stares at UNCLE BRAIN, aghast.) A hypothesis?UNCLE BRAIN: I was only making a joke, Amanda. You know…

humor… to lighten up the situation a bit.AMANDA: I didn’t find that very funny! I hate this apartment already!

(Gives a gentle kick to a box. Styrofoam packing pieces fall onto the floor.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Startled. Maintains his composure.) You know, hasty judgments are often regretted.

AMANDA: So are bad jokes! (Turns her back on UNCLE BRAIN, angrily crosses her arms in front of her chest.)

PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a miner’s headlamp and carrying two seemingly heavy boxes. Smiles.) Ah, I’m so glad to see that the two of you are getting reacquainted! (Pauses.) However, I could use some help moving these boxes upstairs to our apartment. (Excited.) By the way… (Sets down the boxes momentarily.) …did you see the gem I just unearthed from one of the boxes? My trusty old headlamp! Have I ever missed this fine piece of equipment! (Pensive.) I wonder how it got lost in the first place. (Picks up boxes and EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Sheepish.) Uh-oh! I hid Dad’s headlamp in the bottom of that box a few months ago.

UNCLE BRAIN: Why would you do that?AMANDA: Dad would always wear that thing when he took me to see

a movie. He said that it helped him to select good seats… and to avoid sitting in spilled soda.

UNCLE BRAIN: Did you ever end up sitting in spilled soda?AMANDA: No.UNCLE BRAIN: Well, then it was an effective measure.AMANDA: (Exasperated.) But it was embarrassing!UNCLE BRAIN: (Stands and picks up a box.) I think that sitting

in spilled soda would be embarrassing. (Turns his back to the

AMANDA: (Defensive.) We have good reasons for what we do.BILL: And the people who live here don’t?AMANDA: What possible reason could someone have for wearing an

inner tube and peering through a magnifying glass all the time?BILL: Maddie Luftka has very poor eyesight. She wears the inner

tube to keep from bumping into things, while the magnifying glass helps her to see. She can’t afford glasses.

AMANDA: (Stunned.) Oh… uh… I see.MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS LEFT “with Pretzel.” The leash has a

blue ribbon with a gold medal hanging from it. Excited.) Do excuse us for interrupting, but we just had to share our news. Pretzel won the dog competition today! (Beams.)

BILL: That’s great news, Northrop! (MR. PENGULLY crosses to EXIT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Just before MR. PENGULLY exits, AMANDA calls out to him. Suspicious.) Mr. Pengully, exactly which category did he win?

MR. PENGULLY: Why, the most innovative! While all the other dogs simply crawled through the eight-foot tunnel, Pretzel chose his own way. He climbed onto the roof of the tunnel and walked along the top of it! (Shakes his head.) Such a clever dog! (To Pretzel.) Let’s go and get you some treats, shall we? (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Stares after MR. PENGULLY for a moment and turns to BILL.) Well then, how do you explain the imaginary dog?

BILL: Did it ever occur to you that losing Pretzel caused Mr. Pengully so much sadness that in order to cope with his loneliness and loss, he imagines his dog is still with him?

AMANDA: No, I guess not. (Pauses.) You know, Maddie spoke to me today as if she believed Pretzel was real. Are her eyes so poor that she doesn’t see the truth?

BILL: She sees the truth better than you do.AMANDA: What do you mean?BILL: While she may have poor vision, her heart’s not blind. She

accepts Mr. Pengully, and the others, for who they are, foibles and all.

AMANDA: What about Miss Glump?GLADYS: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing sunglasses and a scarf tied over

her hair. She carries a huge pile of mail, dropping pieces as she goes.) Did I hear my name? Just a few more letters from my fan cub! (Fans herself with a letter, kisses it and gushes.) Such loyal and doting fans! (Crosses and EXITS RIGHT.)

RIGHT into the empty lobby. He glances around as if looking for someone, checks his watch, shrugs impatiently and then EXITS RIGHT. After a beat, EUNICE and ERVIN ENTER LEFT. EUNICE carries an umbrella, which she mimes shaking the rain off of then tucking it under her arm in the exact same manner as GERTRUDE and BERTHA in ACT ONE, Scene Two. ERVIN wears a trench coat and carries a binder and a pen.)

EUNICE: Where did all of these plants come from? I didn’t authorize this. And where did all of those trees and plants come from next door? They’re huge! It’s like a rainforest over there. The last time I sent someone to inspect this building, that lot was filled with nothing but mud. Ervin, when was the last building inspection?

ERVIN: (Flips pages in his binder.) Let me see… that was six months ago.

EUNICE: Six months ago? That’s impossible… improbable… impalpable for that much growth to take place in six months.

ERVIN: You know how much I hate to agree with you, Eunice, but you’re right.

EUNICE: This whole place is a jungle, inside and out. It’s high time that it was torn down! (Looks at her watch.) Now, where is that building manager of mine? Ervin, you did arrange for him to meet us here in the lobby, didn’t you?

ERVIN: Of course, Eunice. I even told him a time 15 minutes earlier than you stated, since I know how much you hate to be kept waiting.

EUNICE: Then where is he? Such tardiness is tacky and tasteless! (Looks at her watch again.) It looks like he’s not coming. He probably quit when he got my letter. Well, I’m not waiting any longer for him. Ervin, go and make sure that all of the tenants are making arrangements to move out.

ERVIN: Yes, Eunice. (Turns to EXIT RIGHT.)EUNICE: And make sure everything is in place for when the

developer, Mr. D. Molish, arrives.ERVIN: Yes, Eunice. (Tries to leave again.)EUNICE: And Ervin, phone the developer again to ensure he’ll be on

time for our meeting. I’m going to wait in the car.ERVIN: (Exasperated.) Yes, Eunice! (EXITS RIGHT. EUNICE EXITS

LEFT. AMANDA and UNCLE BRAIN ENTER LEFT, remove their raincoats, and hang them up on the coat rack.)

PETER’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, excuse me, Gertrude.EUNICE’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT. Haughty.) My name’s not

Gertrude!

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One:Notebook, Amanda’s journal (UNCLE BRAIN)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO, Scene Two: Several potted plants and potted trees. An envelope with a letter inside remains hidden under the couch.

BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Two:Potted plant (BILL)Fashion magazine, pressed face powder in a makeup

compact, feather boa, videocassette, file folder (GLADYS)Dark raincoat, lab goggles, test tubes, pencil, newspaper, lab

goggles (PETER)Raincoat (AMANDA, UNCLE BRAIN)Dark raincoat identical to Peter’s (CHESTER)Umbrella (EUNICE)Binder with paper in it, pen (ERVIN VICTION)Hat, coat, briefcase (D. MOLISH)

ONSTAGE, ACT TWO, Scene Four: Walkie-talkie on couchBROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Four:

Journal, pen, blueprints (AMANDA)A magazine clearly showing the title “Thyme” (UNCLE BRAIN)Newspaper with the headline “Down-to-Earth Scientist Discovers

Super Soil!” (PETER)Shopping bags, “flamboyant, ugly” fabric (GERTRUDE)Shopping bags, “flamboyant, ugly” wallpaper (BERTHA)Shopping bags (EUNICE)Store parcels, packages, shopping bags (ERVIN)Glasses, a newspaper (MADAM LUFTKA)Pretzel’s leash, stuffed (or real) dog at the end of another leash to

represent Peanut, umbrella (MR. PENGULLY)Suitcase (BILL)Walkie-talkie (CHESTER)Several containers of “Gladys Glump” products (GLADYS)

SOUND EFFECTSSound of a garbled voice coming through a walkie-talkie.

COSTUMESAMANDA McGOWAN: Casual dress (jeans, T-shirt, running shoes or

sandals and a wrist watch). She wears a brightly colored raincoat and rubber boots for ACT ONE, Scene Five and ACT TWO, Scene Two.

UNCLE BRAIN: Neatly dressed in pants, shirt and tie, worn under a buttoned, white lab coat; dark framed glasses for a “brainy” look.

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ACT ONEScene One

SPOTLIGHT UP: In front of the curtain on AMANDA, sitting cross-legged on the floor DOWN RIGHT with a pen and her journal, which has “PRIVATE!” boldly written on the cover. She writes in her journal.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, Things have

gotten worse… much worse. Not only did Dad lose another job, but now we are forced to sell our house and move! Dad says—get this—we’ll have to move into a “smallish” apartment for a little while, until we can get ourselves on our feet again. Then, he informs me that Uncle Brain is moving in with us! Two scientists under one roof… my life is ruined! Dad says that he needs Uncle Brain’s assistance for some secret project he’s working on. I haven’t seen my Uncle Brain since Mom died five years ago. I hardly even know him! (Pauses.) About this apartment… my friend Jenny tells me that some apartments have swimming pools, hot tubs and even theatres in them. I really hope our new apartment is something like that. (Sighs.) That would be great! Signing off for now, Amanda. (Closes her journal. SPOT OUT.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONEScene Two

CURTAIN UP: A week later in the lobby, which is filled with piles of boxes and a few suitcases. UNCLE BRAIN is leaning back on the couch, reading a science magazine. AMANDA stands in front of the couch, leaning on a large pile of boxes with her elbows.AMANDA: (With obvious distaste.) This place smells!UNCLE BRAIN: (Startles slightly from his reading.) Pardon?AMANDA: I said (Stresses each word.) this place smells! What are

these apartments called again? Distinctive Manor? Yeah, they’re distinctive all right! (Holds her nose.)

UNCLE BRAIN: (Leans forward and sniffs the air. Thoughtful.) I cannot say that I detect such an odious odor as you are suggesting, Amanda. (Leans back on the couch and resumes reading.)

AMANDA: (Points.) I wouldn’t lean back in that couch if I were you, Uncle Brain.

UNCLE BRAIN: (Sits up slowly. Looks pensive. Serious.) Why is that, Amanda?

AMANDA: You could get… (Glances around again and wrinkles her nose with disgust.) …cooties!

BILL: (Gazes at the envelope, somewhat mystified, then starts to open it. Before he can pull the letter out, AMANDA ENTERS LEFT. She stomps into the lobby wearing a raincoat and rubber boots and covered in mud from head to foot. He stuffs the envelope into his pocket.) Acckkkk! Stop right there! I just cleaned this floor! I’ll be right back. Don’t move! (Hurries OUT RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Aggravated. To herself.) How do I let Dad talk me into these things? I mean, couldn’t he have chosen some other occupation? Like anything other than a scientist? I’ve never seen anyone get so excited about mud and dirt! (Looks at her watch.) I hope this doesn’t take long. I have a bus to catch! (BILL RE-ENTERS RIGHT, carrying some newspaper, a spray bottle and a rag. He spreads the newspaper on the floor for her to step on.) I’m sorry. (Steps onto the newspaper and removes her boots.) I was just helping my dad out… (CHESTER’S hands and the top of his head appear from behind the couch as he listens in on the conversation.)

BILL: Out in that pool of mud next door… I know, I know. I saw you. And here I thought your family was—well, on second thought, unpack those boxes. You may fit in here nicely after all.

AMANDA: (Defensive.) What do you mean? How can you compare us to the folks who live here? We don’t walk pretend dogs, wear inner tubes, hide behind couches… (Points to the couch. We see a quick flash of movement from CHESTER as he ducks and removes his hands from the couch. BILL and AMANDA glance at the couch and give each other an odd look.) …or wear matching clothes and talk funny, nor do we have grand illusions about being movie stars!

BILL: No… but you do wade around and dig in mud puddles.AMANDA: We were doing an experiment.BILL: Your father wears a plastic bag instead of a raincoat.AMANDA: My dad likes to recycle.BILL: And I think I heard someone talking to themselves a minute

ago. (AMANDA looks embarrassed.) Well, whatever you say, my dear. (Sits on the couch.)

AMANDA: Besides, one of your tenants stole my dad’s raincoat.CHESTER: (Pops his head up from behind the couch.) I did not!

(Hides again.)BILL: (Glances casually over the back of the couch to speak to

CHESTER.) Chester, don’t you know that it’s very impolite to listen in on other people’s conversations? (Turns back to AMANDA.) You were saying?

PETER: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a newspaper under his arm. Speaks to UNCLE BRAIN and AMANDA. Looks OFF LEFT.) Oops, Bertha then. I always get them mixed up. I hope I didn’t offend her.

AMANDA: Don’t worry about it, Dad. I’m sure everyone’s on edge because of today’s news. Besides, you know Bertha and Gertrude—they’re offended by everything!

UNCLE BRAIN: It took some convincing, but you did succeed in stopping those surveyors from working near your experimental soil patch, Peter.

PETER: It’s just a temporary measure, but that’s all I’ll need if my plan works.

AMANDA: What is your plan, Dad? You haven’t let us in on it yet.PETER: Well, it’s simple, really. One of the surveyors mentioned that the

developer and the building’s owner are scheduled to have a meeting here in the lobby this afternoon. All we have to do is convince the developer that he doesn’t really want this location. We’re going to lead him to believe that his new development… his film studio… is about to be built in a very, shall we say, unhealthy environment. (Removes his raincoat and hangs it on the coat rack.)

AMANDA: How are you going to do that? There’s not enough time to organize all of our neighbors and let them in on your plan. Besides, they’re all busy packing and finding new places to live.

PETER: Elementary, my dear. We’re just going to let our neighbors be themselves!

AMANDA: That’s it? That’s your plan? I thought you’d come up with something better than that, especially when there’s so much at stake here!

PETER: (Patient.) Amanda, just trust me. Brain, can you do me a favor?

UNCLE BRAIN: Certainly.PETER: Casually mention to each of our neighbors that the owner

of the building—the one who is evicting them only one week from now—will also be in the lobby this afternoon to meet with the developer. That ought to ensure a good turn out, don’t you think?

UNCLE BRAIN: (Smiles thoughtfully.) Ah, I see where you’re going with this. I’ll take care of it. (EXITS RIGHT.)

AMANDA: (Angry.) I don’t see it at all. (Quietly. To herself.) I can’t believe I stuck around for this! (Flops down on the couch. PETER sits next to her, opens his newspaper and begins to read. EUNICE, ERVIN and D. MOLISH ENTER LEFT. PETER continues to read the paper. AMANDA glowers at the floor.)

For the first part of ACT ONE, Scene Two, he wears a lab coat with a large, dark, round stain on the back. Later in Scene Two, he wears a new lab coat, without a stain. In ACT ONE, Scene Four, he wears rubber boots. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a lighter-colored raincoat.

PETER McGOWAN: Mismatched and disheveled clothes worn under a wrinkled, white lab coat. For ACT ONE, Scene Two, he wears a miner’s headlamp on his head, then later wears a motorcycle helmet, yellow rubber gloves and a plastic garbage bag as a raincoat. In ACT ONE, Scene Five, he wears “muddy” rubber boots, a “muddy” plastic garbage bag, “mud-splattered” lab goggles, a rain hat and rubber gloves. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a dark-colored raincoat (like Chester’s) and lab goggles on his head.

NORTHROP PENGULLY: Tweed suit, matching cap, dress shirt and tie, dress shoes.

MADAM MADELEINE LUFTKA: Bright and varied colors to express her exuberant personality (skirt, frilly blouse, boots or heels, wide-brimmed, floral hat). She wears an inner tube over the top of her clothing and carries a magnifying glass, except in ACT TWO, Scene Four, where she no longer wears the inner tube and wears glasses. In ACT ONE, Scene Two, she wears a cape.

CHESTER FIELD: Neutral-colored and outdated clothing to express his desire to “fade” into the background (gray pants, dress shirt, loafers or runners). He wears a dark, hooded raincoat in ACT ONE, Scenes Two and Five, and ACT TWO, Scene Two. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, he wears a security guard uniform.

BILL BUNION: Work clothes or overalls, a tool belt, work boots or shoes and a watch. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, he wears summer vacation clothes such as Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, a sun hat and sandals.

GLADYS GLUMP: 1950s glamorous “movie star” apparel. In ACT ONE, Scene Five, she wears sunglasses and a scarf tied dramatically over her head. In ACT TWO, Scene Two, she wears an evening dress, boa and heels. In ACT TWO, Scene Four, she wears a “mud mask” on her face and a smock. (If desired, and if resources are available, she could have a costume change for every scene.)

GERTRUDE/BERTHA/EUNICE: Matching outfits (or as close to matching as possible). Their clothing could consist of polyester skirts with matching jackets or blouses, shoes, purses and wigs. EUNICE needs a watch.

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UNCLE BRAIN: (Turns to EXIT, pauses and faces AMANDA again.) You might want to wear some rubber boots.

AMANDA: Why?UNCLE BRAIN: He’s doing his testing in the mud puddle next door.

(EXITS CENTER.)AMANDA: (Disgusted.) Ugh! Oh, great! (Opens her journal and

sighs.) Where was I? (Slams journal shut.) Oh, never mind! (Reaches for her backpack, rummages through it for a couple of seconds and pulls out some money.) Yep, there’s enough here for the bus. I’m outta here, right after I help Dad with his experiment. He’ll be less suspicious that way. (Sighs.) I guess I’d better find some rubber boots. (EXITS CENTER.)

End of Scene Four

ACT ONEScene Five

CURTAIN UP: An hour later in the lobby. BILL sweeps, whistling a happy tune. He pauses to inspect his work, then nods to himself. He starts to straighten the couch cushions and several Styrofoam packing pieces fall on the floor. He reaches under the cushions and several more fall. He sweeps them up into a dustpan and then hides them back underneath the cushions. He kneels on the floor and searches under the couch. CHESTER ENTERS RIGHT and sneaks, unnoticed, behind the couch.ERVIN: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a dark trench coat and hat and

carrying an envelope and clipboard. He removes his hat then coughs to get BILL’S attention.) Ahem! Excuse me, sir, but could you tell me where I could find a Mr. William Bunion, please?

BILL: (Stands up and brushes himself off.) That would be Bill Bunion… and that’s me.

ERVIN: Ah, very well then. This is for you. (Hands BILL a sealed envelope.)

BILL: Thanks.ERVIN: Would you be so kind as to sign here, please? (Hands BILL a

clipboard with a piece of paper and a pen attached to it.)BILL: What for?ERVIN: To indicate that you did, in fact, receive the letter on this date.BILL: All right. (Nonchalantly signs his name and returns the

clipboard.)ERVIN: Thank you, sir. (Mysterious.) We’ll be in touch then. (Tips his

hat to BILL and EXITS LEFT.)

D. MOLISH: (Does a visual inspection of the lobby as he ENTERS. Hangs up his hat and coat on the coat rack.) The wrecking crew arrives a week from today. Can I be assured that all of your tenants will be out by then?

EUNICE: Ervin?ERVIN: Yes, yes, they’re all packing now, Eunice.D. MOLISH: (Lowers his voice, indicating PETER and AMANDA as

he speaks.) What about these people? They don’t seem to be in any hurry to leave. (EUNICE and ERVIN turn their backs and have a silent “mimed” dispute over this oversight. To AMANDA.) Excuse me, miss. (AMANDA glares up at him.) Are you aware that this building is scheduled to be demolished within the week?

AMANDA: Yes.D. MOLISH: Are you making plans to move out?AMANDA: No, I’m not! (PETER peers slowly and curiously at

AMANDA over his newspaper. AMANDA stands up, defiant.) You can just bring on your wrecking ball. I’m staying put. What are you going to do about that, huh? What if all of the tenants decided to stay put? What would you do? Where are we supposed to go, anyway? Have you ever thought of that? (Pauses.) Well, have you?

PETER: (Whispers to AMANDA from over his newspaper.) Amanda!EUNICE: (She and ERVIN turn around. She approaches AMANDA.

Annoyed.) Excuse me, are you one of the tenants here?AMANDA: (Bewildered.) You know that I am, Gertrude… (Peers at

EUNICE closely.) …or is it Bertha?EUNICE: Who’s Gertrude… and Bertha? I’m Eunice.PETER: (Looks up from his paper. He and AMANDA gawk at

EUNICE.) Are you the owner of the building?EUNICE: Yes, I am.PETER: (He and AMANDA exchange stunned looks.) I don’t believe

it! (Shakes his head.)EUNICE: What do you mean, you don’t believe it? Such improper,

impudence! Are you implying that I am an imposter?GERTRUDE: (She and BERTHA ENTER RIGHT. There is a moment

of stunned silence. Their mouths gape open. They stare first at EUNICE and then at each other. Excited.) Oh, Bertha, look! Can you believe it? It’s our long-lost triplet! We’ve finally been reunited after 52 years! Blessed day!

BERTHA: Blissful!

ERVIN VICTION: Dark suit, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes and hat. In ACT ONE, Scene Five and ACT TWO, Scene Two, he wears a dark trench coat.

MR. D. MOLISH: Business suit, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes, raincoat and hat.

MORE ABOUT THE SETTo dress up (or dress down) the set, the lobby could include a lopsided chandelier, a bookshelf with one book on it and perhaps a floor mat in front of the exit at STAGE LEFT. The backdrop could even be wallpapered, with pieces of the wall’s pattern partly torn off or left partially hanging in keeping with the apartment’s old and shabby nature.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe roles of NORTHROP PENGULLY and BILL BUNION can be combined to be played by one actor.D. MOLISH could be cast as a female, DEE MOLISH.

SET DESCRIPTION

The lobby of Distinctive Manor is typical of older apartment buildings, but with a run-down appearance. At CENTER there should be a shabby couch. Other typical pieces, such as a chair, a small coffee table or a small side table can be added to the arrangement, leaving plenty of space for the tenants to congregate and move around.

There are two exits: STAGE LEFT represents the main entrance to the apartment building from outside. A coat rack should be placed just DOWNSTAGE of this entrance. STAGE RIGHT represents the entrance to the building’s individual apartments. UPSTAGE there is a painted or wallpapered backdrop (or flat) with some paintings hanging crookedly.

ACT ONE, Scene Three takes place in front of the curtain DOWN LEFT. This area represents a simple office with a desk and a chair that face the audience. On top of the desk is a typewriter (or laptop computer), some papers and a pen. A wastebasket sits to the right of the desk.

Please refer to the set design on page 46.

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Set Design - Foibles and Folly

SETTINGTime: Any era.Place: Lobby of Distinctive Manor, a run-down apartment building.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE, Scene One: A diary session, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Two: A week later in the lobby.

ACT ONE, Scene Three: A few days later in Eunice’s office, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Four: The same day, outside Distinctive Manor. Another diary session, played before the curtain.

ACT ONE, Scene Five: An hour later in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene One: Three weeks later, outside Distinctive Manor (played before the curtain).

ACT TWO, Scene Two: That afternoon in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene Three: Moments later in the lobby.

ACT TWO, Scene Four: Three months later in the lobby.

EUNICE: (Mutters as she begins to type another letter.) Cheeky fellow! Such irritating and ill-natured insolence! I should fire him, too. (SPOTLIGHT OUT.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONEScene Four

SPOTLIGHT UP: The same day, outside Distinctive Manor (played before the curtain). AMANDA sits DOWN RIGHT as in ACT ONE, Scene One, writing in her journal. A large backpack sits next to her.AMANDA: (Talks to herself as she writes.) “Dear Diary, So much

has happened since my last entry that I don’t even know where to start. To sum it up, the apartment we’ve moved into is hardly a dream home. In fact, it’s kind of like my worst nightmare! The people who live here are really odd. There’s no hot tub, no theatre and definitely no swimming pool, unless you count the big mud puddle in the vacant lot next door. I wouldn’t dip my big toe in that! And those cats! Who can sleep at night with all the racket they make? It’s more than I can take, so I’ve made up my mind… I’m leaving! With all of the chaos around here, no one will even notice that I’m gone. Jenny has agreed to let me stay at her place for a while until I—”

UNCLE BRAIN: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, wearing rubber boots.) Amanda? There you are. Your dad was wondering where you keep disappearing to. What are you writing?

AMANDA: (Closes her journal quickly and hugs it to her chest defensively. Discreetly pushes the backpack behind her with her foot.) Uh… nothing.

UNCLE BRAIN: I never knew nothing required so much effort. Well, when you’ve finished your latest literary saga, do you think you could come and help your dad and me with his new experiment? He wants your opinion. I’ve already given him mine.

AMANDA: (Impatient.) What’s he working on now?UNCLE BRAIN: He insists he’s staying away from all combustible

materials for a while, especially after his… previous experience.AMANDA: That’s a relief.UNCLE BRAIN: Currently he’s experimenting with improving soil

quality for farming.AMANDA: Sounds safe enough. All right, I’ll be there… in a few

minutes.

GERTRUDE: Blithesome! (She and BERTHA surround and attempt to hug her.)

EUNICE: (Resists their advances.) Blundering bloopers! What is this? I’m not your triplet.

GERTRUDE: Of course you are, look at us! (She, BERTHA and EUNICE stand in a row. ALL stare.)

ERVIN: (Sidles close to EUNICE.) You know, they have a point. You even talk like them.

D. MOLISH: (To EUNICE.) I’m sure it’s none of my business, but, didn’t you know that you were a triplet?

EUNICE: You’re right, it’s none of your busybody, buzzing beeswax. And no, I am not a triplet! These women have no idea what they are talking about. (GERTRUDE and BERTHA react indignantly.)

PETER: (Puts his lab goggles over his eyes.) Wow, after this touching family reunion, this may seem a little anticlimactic, but did anyone happen to read this bit of news today? (Speaks as if he is reading aloud from the newspaper.) “Scientists have proven that water which leaches off of vacant or undeveloped land can have adverse effects on those who live nearby. These potentially severe side effects may continue to occur even once the land is developed.” (D. MOLISH leans in to listen with a worried look. PETER winks at AMANDA over his paper.)

MR. PENGULLY: (ENTERS RIGHT “with Pretzel.” D. MOLISH watches them curiously.) Now, Pretzel, we agreed that you would act in a civil manner to the owner of this building, even if he or she is evicting us! No biting, no clawing and, no, absolutely no piddling! (Looks up.) Now which one of you is the owner of this establishment?

EUNICE: (Pulls herself away from BERTHA and GERTRUDE.) I am.MR. PENGULLY: Oh, my, does my vision deceive me in my old age?

I think I’m seeing triple.BERTHA: Northrop, your vision is just fine. (Clings to EUNICE and

gushes.) Gertrude and I have finally found our sister! We are now complete!

EUNICE: (Tries to wriggle free of BERTHA.) No, I am not their sister. But I am the owner of this building. I also happen to disagree with them on one other point—that of your vision. (Points to the empty leash.) Can you not see that your dog, or whatever it is, has escaped? Your leash is empty. (MR. PENGULLY looks down at the leash, worried.) That brings me to another point, there are no pets allowed in this building!

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