FInal Works Rivised

Last Works: Revised and Improved

Brittney Lie Tjauw Dr. Matthew Horton

English 1101 08 December 2011

English 1101 Final Portfolio Project Title

Table of Contents

Analytical Cover Letter ....................................................................................................................1

Quality Comparison ...........................................................................................................................

Least Successful Article Response ......................................................................................4

Most Successful Article Response .......................................................................................6

“What’s the Difference?” .....................................................................................................8

Revision Samples ...............................................................................................................................

Least Successful Article Response (with markup) ..............................................................9

Least Successful Article Response (final) .........................................................................11

Most Successful Article Response (with markup) .............................................................13

Most Successful Article Response (final) ..........................................................................15

Most Successful Essay (with markup) ...............................................................................17

Most Successful Essay (final) ............................................................................................24

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December, 8, 2011 Matthew R. Horton, Ph. D. Assistant Professor of English Gainesville State College Oconee Campus 313b Oconee Classroom 1201 Bishop Farms Parkway Watkinsville, GA 30677 Dear Dr. Horton,

My name is Brittney Lie Tjauw and I am a student at Gainesville State College. As I look back on all I have done this semester it is clear to me that I have come along way from the typical high school 5 paragraph essay. I believe that not only have I excelled as a writer but I have also gained an enormous amount of knowledge and insight due to our readings as well. Within this final portfolio I have compiled some of my best and worst works. While analyzing my writings it will be obvious that I have improved in both my writing and revision skills by the detailed changes I have made in even, what I consider my most successful work. During English 1101 I was taught to read into an articles’ deeper significance and identify and become an expert in the authors’ opinion and why it was important to think about. While writing article essay’s I learned how to take a small piece of someone else’s work and transform it into a whole other story that somehow related to my life, as well as being taught to come up with stages in order to prove my thesis. I believe that through your 1101 class I have gained an eye for detail and become especially more analytical in making revisions. On the first day of class you told us we could call you coach and throughout this semester I began to see why. You have coached me to become a better writer and thinker. I was challenged to think differently in your class and every discussion was insightful. Although I am still not a perfect writer and my article responses and essays are no where near perfect and completely flawless, I used this opportunity to show you my improvement and hard work through critiquing and revising to the best of my abilities.

My least successful article response was “Secret Fears of the Super-Rich.” It was about how many people whom are extremely wealthy are less happy because of the constant fears they have. I knew that I was rushing to finish when writing this article response and said things just to fill up space so when comparing it to my best article response I knew immediately it was not as good but I needed to figure out why, which was the most difficult part about revising it. Some of its flaws were that the point of view was not specific enough and my details did not reflect it because of that. For instance, in the original version I stated that the authors’ point of view was that “he believed not all wealthy are truly always happy.” After reading my details I realized they were describing the fears of the rich that lead to their unhappiness. Once I knew how to dig deeper into the authors’ point of view I made it more specific, and then was able to make revisions to the supporting details in order for them to flow with the improved point of view. Other revisions that needed to be made were because I failed to add an explanation to certain quotations and close the paragraph with a strong statement to show I provided detail for the point of view. Each detail I provided supported the riches’ fears about love, family, work, and their children and gave explanation as to why these fears made them feel isolated and unhappy. With

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in the cultural significance paragraph I was repetitive; I realized I gave two independent reasons on why readers should think about the authors’ point of view so I made it into one confident and compelling statement. This paragraph lacked a flow and persuasion so I improved the reason why it should be considered into a warning and added body to what the authors’ point of view causes the audience to examine. I know that if I took my time and responded to each aspect of the response with thought and detail I could have produced a much better analysis, and I definitely noticed while making revisions, now I believe that it is organized and clear.

My most successful article response was “Faustian Economics-Hell Hath No Fury.” This was the most challenging work of mine to edit because other than my cultural significance paragraph lacking a quote I thought everything else was pretty good, however I learned there is always room for improvement. After not looking at this response in several months when I read back over it, I saw many more mistakes than I thought. My newly trained eye was keener than before. I knew that there were grammatical errors and sentence structure flaws rather than lacking in my content so I focused on that as well as adding more detail to my cultural significance paragraph. I looked over the article a few times before I found the perfect quote that helped support and give a solution to a detail I had already mentioned, “Berry’s view on things is worth thinking about because he makes valid arguments suggesting what the future will look like if we stay on this blind path.” The quote I found, gave a cure to limitlessness which is what the blind path essentially is, after adding the quote I had to elaborate on the “blind path” and adjust the order of some of my sentences to make it flow better with the new addition. I also noticed that the way I worded certain sentences and some word tenses I used needed to be improved. After a few revisions here and there I believe that I improved this article response to the best of my abilities.

The most successful article essay I wrote was my first one about serenity versus courage in terms of accepting death. Since both my essays received the same grade, I chose that this was my best because it was challenging for me to adapt to a completely new style of writing and I was proud of how much I improved as a writer due to just one essay. When beginning to revise my essay, I first opened up the grading rubric I received. I looked where I scored the lowest and began from there. For starters, my recent development was not effective what so ever. Quite honestly, I myself was confused with what I wrote there. I deleted the whole thing about a different version of the serenity prayer right away and went searching for something new. I came across a quote by Ann Hulbert, the author of, “To Accept What Cannot Be Helped,” the article that inspired me to write my story about my mother’s challenges accepting her father’s diagnosis with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Hulbert said that “None of us was granted serenity, but I don’t think its wishful thinking to say we were united in a sense that it was turmoil preceding release.” I liked this quote for some reason and it took me many times reading it to interpret her meaning. I knew she meant that her family was united by the loss of their mother. This extends my topic in a new direction by explaining how, even though it might sound bad to some, death brings people together. The relevance is that at the beginning of the end, Ann’s family did not have serenity but there was a positive outcome in uniting with courage and spending the last 24 hours of their mothers’ life together. I also improved my thesis statement because it was not quite there yet. My original thesis stated that courage was necessary over serenity to come to the realization of my Grandpas death when it should have said specifically why, so I reworded it to be more specific and persuasive. Along with revising some grammatical and punctuation errors I also improved

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my closing comments in order to be more impacting to my audience. By using the grading rubric like a check list, I believe that even the slightest tweak to my essay has made it more polished and developed.

Although I have grown significantly from the start of the semester to today, I am still growing and there is much more room for improvement. I still struggle with getting started; it was hard for me at first to pull a detail out of an article and evolve it into a paper and imagine all of the bits and pieces flowing together. I still notice that sometimes “old-habits-die-hard” and I find myself doing some cliché’ from the writing style that was pounded into my head over the last four years in High School. It is also a bit of a struggle coming up with stages and developing them, when writing my second article essay rough draft I had trouble taking off from the first stage at first, I discovered that my three stages could actually be incorporated into one. I hope that as I progress in my college writing career so wills my expertise in my current problems. Something’s that I need to work on that I believe will improve my writing further is to spend more time looking over my work and not rushing just to get it over with. One thing I wish I had done this semester is investigate more into why my grades plateaued instead of accepting grades that were not good enough for me, that way, maybe my grades would have reflected my improvement and I would have been able to revise mistakes earlier. As I transition into English 1102 I know I have gained a basis of the knowledge and skills needed in order to prepare myself for the challenges ahead, and I hope that I continue to excel and improve in my writing skills.

I chose to do the portfolio as my final for the class because it gave me a chance to analyze myself as a writer and fix my mistakes to show you that I have made progress and accomplished much. By being able to identify ones own mistakes and revise them is proof enough that they have grown. Throughout the semester my grades, for the most part have not changed, but I know my writing, revising, and reading skills all have in a positive direction. I believe that after detailed revisions and improvements to, not only my least successful work but also my most successful, all my high B’s have transformed into grade A work. With every assignment I revised, I first became familiar with critiques that were given or the grading rubric categories I failed to achieve full potential points in. I am by no means saying I revised and improved these works to perfections but they show my growth and attention to error. Thank you for reviewing my portfolio. This class has been insightful and beneficial to me. Sincerely, Brittney K. Lie Tjauw

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Least Successful Article Response

Being filthy rich: not all it's cracked up to be

Wood, Graeme. “Secret Fears of the Super-Rich.” The Atlantic. The Atlantic Monthly Group,

2011. Web. 25 Oct. 2011

Graeme Wood believes that not all wealthy are truly always happy. He describes that

many of the rich worry and have extreme anxiety about their family, love life, and work. Wood

describes the rich’s love problems saying that, “Wealthy people of both genders are wary of gold

diggers—Does he love me or my money?—but at the same time fear that this wariness might

make them mistrustful of genuine affection.” Also the rich often fear that their children will be

spoiled and ungrateful or that their kids will not have the lifestyle that their parents are providing

for them now. Wood says, “Many feel their outside relationships would be altered if people

knew of their wealth,” because the rich can sometimes be used for their fortune they are unsure

of “false relationships.” From his point of view, the problems the rich constantly worry about

make a extremely wealthy lifestyle not all it is made out to be.

Wood’s point of view is culturally significant because many Americans are under the

impression that “the grass is greener on the other side,” many people’s dream is to be extremely

rich and they believe that it will bring them fulfillment and happiness, however Wood’s beliefs

say otherwise. His point of view is worth thinking about because if people go on only wanting

wealth and not seeing the negatives that come along with it, they may create their own

unhappiness. Some studies even show that the extremely wealthy are significantly less happy

than those who are middle class. This point of view is worth thinking about because it shows that

there are more important things than money. Wood challenges his readers to examine family,

social lives, love and work. He wants us to realize that wealth can be both a “blessing and a

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curse.” Wood tries to open his readers eyes to the hidden truths the super rich face in their

lifestyle.

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Most Successful Article Response

Understanding Limitations-article response#1

Berry, Wendell. "Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No Limits." Harper's Magazine. The Harper's

Magazine Foundation, May 2008. Web. 18 August 2011.

Wendell Berry believes that Americans are under the assumption that we are limitless

and that it will ultimately be the downfall of economic society. He states that we are blind and

oblivious to what the consequences of our actions are, much like greedy kings. Berry criticizes

the “unrestrained consumptiveness” that Americans are out of control and take but do not give

back in return. Berry describes limitlessness as a disease that is passed on because we are born

with the desire “to be unencumbered by complexity” –we want our lives to be as simple as

possible, creating technology to do even the simplest of things. From his point of view, religion

and the arts are the only things that can cure us of this disease. Berry argues that humans commit

even the basic religious commandments: Gluttony, Wrath, and Pride; and only through the arts of

agriculture, animal husbandry, forestry, and the art of living can we regain national sanity. The

illusion of limitlessness, wanting to expand, we use predatory economics instead of community

economics, forgetting the simplest act of neighborliness.

Wendell Berry’s point of view is culturally significant because he connects our behavior

directly to the economic way of life. By the American assumption of being limitless and

forgetting about the basic foundations this country was built upon such as religion and the arts;

we focus on science, technology, and expanding which ultimately creates our destruction instead

of betterment. Berry’s view on things is worth thinking about because he makes valid arguments

suggesting what the future will look like if we stay on this blind path. Incorporating facts about

America’s fossil fuels and economy types, religion and artistic ideals, to questioning weather

7

humans are just animals, Berry challenges the audience to examine every aspect of culture

including the technological frontier and American history as far back as quoting The Declaration

of Independence. Wendell Berry’s thoughts that have been promoted linger in the minds of all

his readers creating questions and cause for examination.

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The first article response I produced was in my opinion, the most successful, not only

because it received the highest grade but also because I had never written anything like it before

I really made sure I deeply understood the article and the author’s point of view before I began

my response. I became an expert in the article in particular, “Faustian Economics: Hell Hath No

Limits.” We were assigned to read and take notes on this article prior to doing article response

number one and by doing so it definitely helped me understand it on a deeper more thoughtful

level. Also, by answering questions about this article in the in-class-discussion it showed me

specific details that supported the author’s point of view. When actually writing the response I

took my time to answer every point intelligently and not only had a perfect understanding of

Wendell Berry’s belief, but I had evidence to back it up because of the discussion questions. I

was very proud of my first article response because I knew I put forth allot of effort into

producing my best work with this knew style of writing.

Strangely enough, instead of improving after article response number one, I began to

become less successful in my work. I believe my response to “Secret Fears of the Super-Rich”

was my least successful one because I might have become too comfortable with the requirements

and did not spend the time to become an expert in the article. It became fairly easy to produce

two paragraphs of 12 lines in equal length. After comparing my best and worst work I noticed

the least successful one did not flow as well and did not have compelling evidence to support the

authors point of view as well as my first response had. I believe that I possibly rushed in order to

just get it over with rather than spend the time to really understand and be deeply invested into

my work. I also made simple careless mistakes such as not italicizing the magazine title in my

citation, and although in this article response I put quotations into the cultural significance

paragraph it was not as well developed as in my response to Wendell Berry.

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2011. Web. 25 Oct. 2011

Graeme Wood believes that having great wealth does not always bring happiness but it

can bring great fearnot all wealthy are truly always happy. He describes that many of those

whom are e rich worry and have extreme anxiety about their family, love life, and work. Wood

describes the rich’s love problems saying that, “Wealthy people of both genders are wary of gold

diggers—Does he love me or my mmoney?—but at the same time fear that this wariness might

make them mistrustful of genuine affection.” The rich fear that some people might only want to

be with them because of their wealth and shutting people out because of this fear can lead to

unhappiness and a sense of isolation. Also, he says that the rich often fear that their children will

be spoiled and ungrateful or they are scared that their kids will not have the same lifestyle that

their parents are providing for them now. Wood says, “Many feel their outside relationships

would be altered if people knew of their wealth,” in Wood’s opinion, because the rich can

sometimes be used for their fortune they are unsure of “false relationships.” No amount of

fortune can fill the void of feeling isolated and unsatisfied From his point of view, the problems

the rich constantly worry about make a extremely wealthy lifestyle not all it is made out to be.



rich and they believe that it will bring them fulfillment and happiness, however, Wood’s beliefs


wealth and not appreciating what they already have, then they can end up with the same fears

Formatted

Formatted: Font: Italic

Comment [GSC1]: In my response I discussed the fears of wealthy people so I made Wood’s point of view more specific rather than he just believes “not all wealthy are truly always happy” but with why their not always truly happy because of their fears.

Comment [GSC2]: Having only a quotation but not elaborating on it was pointless so I explained the quotation and why the fear can lead to unhappiness because of a sense of isolation.

Comment [GSC3]: I added that Wood specifically said this because it is a bold statement saying that “the rich often fear” because not everyone who is rich might fear this, it is not fact.

Comment [GSC4]: I added this sentence in place of what I previously wrote because it explains Wood’s point of view and why he believes it. The rich are not always happy because their fears cause them to feel isolated and unsatisfied and not even money can fix those type of problems.

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and sense of isolation that many of the very wealthy possesseeing the negatives that come along

with it that in turn will create their own unhappiness., they may create their own unhappiness.

Some studies even show that the extremely wealthy are significantly less happy than those who

are middle class. Graeme Wood’s beliefs show This point of view is worth thinking about

because it shows that there are more important things than money. Wood challenges his readers

to examine family, social lives, love and work. He wants us to realize that wealth can be both a

“blessing and a curse.” Wood wantstries to open his readers’ eyes to the hidden truths the super

rich face in their lifestyles and wants them to continue to think about what is really important in

life long after they have read his viewpoint..

Comment [GSC5]: I specified on what the “negatives” were such as fears and sense of isolation, and added an if/then statement to give a warning and explain more into detail why readers should think about Wood’s point of view. Putting that readers should appreciate what they already have also puts their life in a positive light.

Comment [GSC6]: Took it out because it was repetitive and it indicated that I left reasons why you should consider Wood’s point of view out. It took strength away from my previous statement of why the point of view is worth thinking about.

Comment [GSC7]: I put wants in place of tries because “tries” sounds like Wood is unsuccessful. Wants is more confident.

Comment [GSC8]: Leaves readers questioning “what is important?” This is what Wood challenged his readers to examine.

11




2011. Web. 25 Oct. 2011

Graeme Wood believes that having great wealth does not always bring happiness but it

can bring great fear. He describes that many of those whom are rich worry and have extreme

anxiety about their family, love life, and work. Wood describes the rich’s love problems saying

that, “Wealthy people of both genders are wary of gold diggers—Does he love me or my

money?—but at the same time fear that this wariness might make them mistrustful of genuine

affection.” The rich fear that some people might only want to be with them because of their

wealth and shutting people out because of this fear can lead to unhappiness and a sense of

isolation. Also, he says that the rich often fear that their children will be spoiled and ungrateful

or they are scared that their kids will not have the same lifestyle that their parents are providing

for them now. “Many feel their outside relationships would be altered if people knew of their

wealth,” in Wood’s opinion, because the rich can sometimes be used for their fortune they are

unsure of “false relationships.” No amount of fortune can fill the void of feeling isolated and

unsatisfied.



rich and they believe that it will bring them fulfillment and happiness, however, Wood’s beliefs


wealth and not appreciating what they already have, then they can end up with the same fears

and sense of isolation that many of the very wealthy posses that in turn will create their own

12

unhappiness. Some studies even show that the extremely wealthy are significantly less happy

than those who are middle class. Graeme Wood’s beliefs show that there are more important

things than money. Wood challenges his readers to examine family, social lives, love and work.

He wants us to realize that wealth can be both a “blessing and a curse.” Wood wants to open his

readers’ eyes to the hidden truths the super rich face in their lifestyles and wants them to

continue to think about what is really important in life long after they have read his viewpoint.

13








the “unrestrained consumptiveness,” that Americans are out of control and all we do is take but

we do not give back in return. Berry describes limitlessness as a disease that is passed on because

we are born with the desire “to be unencumbered by complexity” –we want our lives to be as

simple as possible, creating technology to do even the simplest of things for us. From his point of

view, religion and the arts are the only things that can cure us of this disease. Berry argues that

humans commit even the basic religious commandments: Gluttony, Wrath, and Pride; and only

through the arts of agriculture, animal husbandry, forestry, and the art of living can we regain

national sanity. The illusion we have of limitlessness and , wanting to expand, we use predatory

economics instead of community economics, forgetting the simplest act of neighborliness.


directly to the economic way of life. Because of the y the American assumption of being

limitless, and we forgetforgetting about the basic foundations this country was built upon such

as religion and the arts; and insteadwe focus on science, technology, and expanding which will

ultimately creates our destruction instead of betterment. Berry’s view on things is worth thinking

about because he makes valid arguments suggesting what the future will look like if we stay on

this blind path thinking we are limitless and godlike. . “To recover from our disease of

Comment [GSC1]: Added a comma because it says that what I am going to say next describes “unrestrained consumptiveness”

Comment [GSC2]: Saying that “all we do is take” describes just how out of control we are rather than just saying Americans’ take.

Comment [GSC3]: I added whom technology does the simplest things for to add detail showing how it is US that want to be “unencumbered by complexity”

Comment [GSC4]: The” illusion of limitlessness” has no meaning without saying that it is something Americans posses. Saying that it is just out there versus saying we actually have it endues a different prospective.

Comment [GSC5]: Without adding this it insinuates that “wanting to expand” is limitlessness, when really it is just one factor of many.

Comment [GSC6]: Makes it flow and sound more effective and confident. (Because of this, we forget this, and instead focus on this.) Also, putting that it “will create” rather than “creates” destruction gives a warning, destruction is something that is final so saying that it is happening in the present does not make sense.

Comment [GSC7]: Adds further description on what the blind path is.

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limitlessness, we have to give up the idea that we have the right to be godlike animals, that we

are potentially omniscient and omnipotent, ready to discover ‘the secret of the universe.’ ” From

iIncorporating facts about about America’s fossil fuels and economy types, religion and artistic

ideals, to questioning weather humans are just animals,animals; Berry challenges the audience to

examine every aspect of culture including the technological frontier and American history as far

back as quoting The Declaration of Independence. Wendell Berry’s thoughts that have been

promoted linger in the minds of all his readers creating questions and cause for examination.

Comment [GSC8]: Second paragraph needed a quotation and this gives support to the previous sentence and a solution to get off the “blind path” and cure limitlessness.

Comment [GSC9]: Adding “from” gives the facts incorporated a range. (From this to this)

Comment [GSC10]: Separates dependent clause from independent clause. The dependent clause describes how Berry challenges the audience and the independent clause is what Berry challenges the audience to examine.

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the “unrestrained consumptiveness,” that Americans are out of control and all we do is take but

we do not give back in return. Berry describes limitlessness as a disease that is passed on because

we are born with the desire “to be unencumbered by complexity” –we want our lives to be as

simple as possible, creating technology to do even the simplest of things for us . From his point

of view, religion and the arts are the only things that can cure us of this disease. Berry argues that

humans commit even the basic religious commandments: Gluttony, Wrath, and Pride; and only

through the arts of agriculture, animal husbandry, forestry, and the art of living can we regain

national sanity. The illusion we have of limitlessness and wanting to expand, we use predatory

economics instead of community economics, forgetting the simplest act of neighborliness.


directly to the economic way of life. Because of the American assumption of being limitless, we

forget about the basic foundations this country was built upon such as religion and the arts; and

instead focus on science, technology, and expanding which will ultimately create our destruction

instead of betterment. Berry’s view on things is worth thinking about because he makes valid

arguments suggesting what the future will look like if we stay on this blind path thinking we are

limitless and godlike. “To recover from our disease of limitlessness, we have to give up the idea

16

that we have the right to be godlike animals, that we are potentially omniscient and omnipotent,

ready to discover ‘the secret of the universe.’ ” From incorporating facts about America’s fossil

fuels and economy types, religion and artistic ideals, to questioning weather humans are just

animals; Berry challenges the audience to examine every aspect of culture including the

technological frontier and American history as far back as quoting The Declaration of

Independence. Wendell Berry’s thoughts that have been promoted linger in the minds of all his

readers creating questions and cause for examination.

17

Brittney Lie Tjauw

Professor Horton

English 1101

26 September 2011

Accepting the expected: When death comes knocking

In Ann Hulbert’s article “To Accept What Cannot Be Helped,” she states that “It takes

courage-not serenity-to accept what can’t be changed when that is the imminence of death.”

Questioning the famous words of Niebuhr in The Serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the

difference,.” Hulbert states that Niebuhr had it wrong. Her mother was diagnosed with stage

four-lung cancer and i and instead of doing painful chemotherapy treatments in order to

possiblymaybe add a few more months on to her life, she opted for spending her last breaths with

her family, at home, surrounded by her loved ones. While going home to die, serenity, Ann said,

was not in her mother’s repertoire or in Ann’s family’s. It was an extremely difficult situation for

the whole family and it was definitely not described as a tranquil one. Because Ann’s mother had

accepted the inevitable it did not mean that she was weak and simply gave up, it took an

enormous amount of strength and nerve to trust in what was happening to her body. When I read

the quote, that it takes courage not serenity to accept death it, it really made me realize that it is

not peace of mind that helps people face the inevitable, in some cases they have to be brave to

accept such news and to go through the tough road ahead. Sometimes serenity is not enough in

order to achieve acceptance of a cruel fate, regardless if wethey are the one being directly

effectedaffected, or if wethey are the loved ones of the effected.

Comment [GSC1]: DescribeswhyHulbertquotesNiebuhrs’famousSerenityprayer.

Comment [GSC2]: Describeswhyserenitywasnotpresent.Thesituationwasnottranquilorserene.

Comment [GSC3]: Addedsothestatementdoesnotsoundtoobold.Describesunderwhatcircumstancesis“serenitynotenough”

Comment [GSC4]: Using“we”engagesorinvolvesthereadermoreeffectivelythanusingthey

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My mother’s father was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, commonly

known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. My grandpa lived in Surinam, a small country at the top of the

South American continent. H, where he was always a hard working healthy man as long as I can

rememberremember; h. However in 2004 he gradually began to show symptoms of weakness in

his muscles and soon after that the doctors told him it was a terminal illness called Lou Gehrig’s.

Because of my mother and our family liveing in the United States we did not see him at all, and

now knowing that he would soon be gone forever, crushed my mother. Being so far away from

him shewe felt helpless because shewe could not take care of him or be there for daily support.

Because there are no survivors of Lou Gehrig’s, the news that foreshadowed his demise was

going to be especially hard for my mom to accept because there was nothing that neither she nor

anyoneI could do. My mother struggled on her path to acceptance but through bravery she

achieved itgot there and in turn having courage also had positive outcomes. Courage was

necessary rather than serenity to accept my Grandpas’ death in order to overcome the fear and

appreciate the time my mom had left with him. overcome the fear of realization of my Grandpas’

death, to make the best out of the time left with him.

As the disease took its course there was not much that could be done for my grandpa

because the disease is inevitably fatal. In ALS, nerve cells waste away and can no longer send or

receive messages to muscles. It is a disease that is characterized by rapidly progressive

weakness, muscle atrophy and fasciculation, spasticity, and respiratory compromise. Lou

Gehrig’s does not have a cure; the condition only slowly gets worse, and when the muscles in the

chest stop working, it becomes very hard or impossible to breathe on ones own. Daily tasks, such

as eating and drinking soon cannot be done with out help or supervision. Even talking becomes

difficult because the throat muscles can not contract to swallow. Once diagnosed with Lou

Comment [GSC5]: Combiningthesetwosentencesflowsbetter.Theycontrasteachotherfromhealthytosick.

Comment [GSC6]: Using“she”insteadof“we”makesthesentenceallaboutherbecauseitisdescribinghowshewascrushed.

Comment [GSC7]: UsinganyonedescribesthatnotevenDoctorscoulddoanything.

Comment [GSC8]: Usingachievedsoundsmorelikeanaccomplishmentratherthanadestination.

Comment [GSC9]: Describeswhathadpositiveoutcomes.

Comment [GSC10]: Changedthesisinordertomakeitmoreclearandfocused.Theclaimispersuasive

Comment [GSC11]: Describeswhonotmuchcouldbedonefor.

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Gehrig’s, there is little that can be done medically to prevent progression. There are only

treatments that patients can receive have to make some of the effects less painful but nothing that

can prolong the disease itself because it only gets worse. My grandpa was told that ALS was

taking its toll on him and he did not have much longer to live., and not only did he have to accept

what couldn’t be changed but so did my mother and the rest of the family.

My mother struggled while coming to terms with what was going to happen to my

grandpa. At first my mother did not believe that there was absolutely nothing that could be done

to help my grandpa beat this. I remember her trying to get him to come to America to get

medical treatment here because the hospitals in Surinam were nowhere near as advanced as ours.

She blamed the Doctors in the Surinamese hospitalsthem for not doing as much as what she

thought they could have done for him. She t and thought that if he was in an American Hospital

he would be getting the treatment he needed to become healthy once again. Unfortunately he was

in no condition to travel and the Doctors said that he had to be hooked up to a respiratory

machine to make breathing easier because he could no longer breathe on his own. My motherShe

would spend hours on the Internet doing research about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis but all the

websites said the same thing, that the disease would inevitably take her fathers life.

Unfortunately he was in no condition to travel either and the Doctors said that he had to be

hooked up to a breathing machine to make breathing easier because he could no longer breathe

on his own. After awhile she found the courage with in her self and came to accept what was

going to happen. She sent him money to help pay for hospital bills but she still felt so helpless

because there was nothing she could do to prevent the progressing disease from taking his life.

Having courage is what made my mom able to face the fear of losing my grandpa and

deal with the pain to come. She decided to go to Surinam to visit him and basically say her last

Comment [GSC12]: ShowsthatALSisafataldisease

Comment [GSC13]: Previewsthenextparagraph

Comment [GSC14]: SetsupcomparisonbetweenAmericanhospitalsandonesinSurinam

Comment [GSC15]: Themwasnotspecificenough

Comment [GSC16]: “Whattheycouldhavedone”isvague.“Forhim”addsdescription.

Comment [GSC17]: ThissentencemakesmoresenseafterdiscussingmygrandpacomingtoAmerica.

20

goodbyes even though it was going to be heartbreaking. She wanted to help with getting his

affairs in order such as: making sure his will was renewed and what the arrangements of his

funeral were going to be after his passing. She also had to play the role of big sister to my uncle

and be brave for him as well because I can imagine it was just as difficult to accept his father’s

death alsoas well. Day after day she sat by his bedside in the hospital with the rest of the family

and at times, even though it was difficult to sit and watch him wither away, she stayed with him.

She wanted to be there for him and be strong for him as well, because he too was afraid. Bravery

proved to be helpful in this case because it gave my mom what she needed to accept what was

going to happen to my grandpa, having serenity was just not an option. . She needed to confront

her fear head on and stay strong for the family while this terrible thing was happening, and it

took great courage to do so.trying to tear the family apart.

My mother benefited from being brave and having courage by being able to make the last

few weeks of my grandpa’s life count. MBecause there was nothing to worry about anymore

since my mother accepted what the outcome of the visit was going to be and made the best of the

time she had left with himI guess you could say that the visit was carefree. Nothing else mattered

in the world during those few weeks, even though it was hard, she accepted what was happening.

She got to spend time with her father like he really was going to die tomorrow and made every

second count. I know that it must have been nice to see him after all the years that had past. ,

since my mom moved to the states when she was a teenager to go to college, and because Mmy

Ggrandpa and Ggrandma split up when my mom was only twelve and she did not spend much

time with him even while she was living in Surinam as a kid, then m.y mom moved to the states

when she was a teenager to go to college. She told me that they shared stories back and fourth

and just caught each other up on what they had missed out on in each others lives. “It was nice to

Comment [GSC18]: Describeswhyshehadtobestrongforhim

Comment [GSC19]: Thisstateswhatbraverywasinsteadof

Comment [GSC20]: Tellswhatittookinordertoconfrontherfearandstaystrong

Comment [GSC21]: Sayingthattherewasnothingtoworryaboutanymorewascontradictingwhensayingtherewasfear.

Comment [GSC22]: Describeshowshebenefitedfrombeingbrave

Comment [GSC23]: Explainsjusthowmuchshecherishedthetimeshehadleftwithherfather.

Comment [GSC24]: Sentencemakesmoresenseherebecauseitflowsbetter.

21

just get reacquainted with my father.” My mother told me. Having serenity would not have been

powerful enough for acceptance in this case. Being serene about the death of a loved one would

not have given my mother the emotion and attitude she needed to gain acceptance. Courage gave

her the drive and strength to make the best out of what was going to happen. Through serenity,

simple peace of mind would not have had the same positive outcome as having courage did. Just

being calm about the death of my grandpa would not have lead my mom to acceptance of what

was going to happen or have the same positive outcome that having courage did. Courage gave

my mom the strength to make the best out of the inevitable not just have peace of mind about it.

When in the imminence of death it takes courage to accept what cannot be changed rather

thaninstead of serenity. It takes courage to face a fear such as death or pain, serenity in this case

would not have been any where near as powerful to accept my grandpa’s fatal disease because it

would not have given my mom the same strength to enjoy and make the best out of the time she

had left with her father. After her mother passed, Ann Hulbert said, “None of us was granted

serenity, but I don’t think it’s wishful thinking to say we were united in a sense that it was

turmoil preceding release.” . Ann Hulbert discovered an early version of The Serenity Prayer in

The New York Times that already included courage. “Father, Give us courage to change what

must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from

the other.” Courage here is given to change what must be altered instead of accepting what

cannot be changed. What must be altered could be seen as many things though such as

someone’s views on a situation, either way it was nice to see that perhaps Niebuhr did have the

right idea about Ann and her siblings grew closer because of the tragedy and courage being a key

component to the acceptance of death; they got through it together with strength. After their nn

said that, after her mother passed away none of her siblings or her were given serenity, no true

Comment [GSC25]: Flowsmoresmoothlyandexplainswhyserenitywouldnothavebeenpowerfulenoughmoreclearly.

Comment [GSC26]: Re‐wrotebecauseitwasconfusingandunclear,itdidnotgointodetailaboutwhyserenitywasn’tpowerfulenough.

Comment [GSC27]: Sayingratherthanmakescouragesoundbetterthanserenity.

Comment [GSC28]: Givesdetailtowhyserenityisnotaspowerful

Comment [GSC29]: Newrecentdevelopmentmovesessayinadifferentdirectionbystatingthat“wewereunitedinasensethatitwasturmoilprecedingrelease.”

Comment [GSC30]: Reconnectswithstrengthbeinghowpeoplegetthroughthingsratherthanserenity.

22

peace of mind was gained when accepting their loss. I believe that losing a loved one weyou

never really gain comfort when weyou ultimately are losing a part of yourselfour self, we must

have strength in order to get through life’s challenges.

Comment [GSC31]: RealizedIused“YOU”

23

Work Cited

Hulbert, Ann. “To Accept What Cannot Be Helped.” The American Scholar. The American

Scholar. Winter 2011. Web. 18 September 2011.

24

Brittney Lie Tjauw

Professor Horton

English 1101

26 September 2011

Accepting the expected: When death comes knocking

In Ann Hulbert’s article “To Accept What Cannot Be Helped,” she states that “It takes

courage-not serenity-to accept what can’t be changed when that is the imminence of death.”

Questioning the famous words of Niebuhr in The Serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to

accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the

difference,” Hulbert states that Niebuhr had it wrong. Her mother was diagnosed with stage

four-lung cancer and instead of doing painful chemotherapy treatments in order to possibly add a

few more months on to her life, she opted for spending her last breaths with her family, at home,

surrounded by her loved ones. While going home to die, serenity, Ann said, was not in her

mother’s repertoire or in Ann’s family’s. It was an extremely difficult situation for the whole

family and it was definitely not described as a tranquil one. Because Ann’s mother had accepted

the inevitable it did not mean that she was weak and simply gave up, it took an enormous amount

of strength and nerve to trust in what was happening to her body. When I read the quote, it takes

courage not serenity to accept death, it made me realize that it is not peace of mind that helps

people face the inevitable, in some cases they have to be brave to accept such news and go

through the tough road ahead. Sometimes serenity is not enough in order to achieve acceptance

of a cruel fate, regardless if we are the one being directly affected, or if we are the loved ones of

the effected.

25

My mother’s father was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, commonly

known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. My grandpa lived in Surinam, a small country at the top of the

South American continent. He was always a hard working healthy man as long as I can

remember; however in 2004 he gradually began to show symptoms of weakness in his muscles

and soon after that the doctors told him it was a terminal illness called Lou Gehrig’s. Because my

mother and our family live in the United States we did not see him at all, and knowing that he

would soon be gone forever, crushed my mother. Being so far away from him she felt helpless

because she could not take care of him or be there for daily support. Because there are no

survivors of Lou Gehrig’s, the news that foreshadowed his demise was going to be especially

hard for my mom to accept because there was nothing that neither she nor anyone could do. My

mother struggled on her path to acceptance but through bravery she achieved it and in turn

having courage also had positive outcomes. Courage was necessary rather than serenity to accept

my Grandpas’ death in order to overcome the fear and appreciate the time my mom had left with

him.

As the disease took its course there was not much that could be done for my Grandpa because the

disease is inevitably fatal. In ALS, nerve cells waste away and can no longer send or receive

messages to muscles. It is a disease that is characterized by rapidly progressive weakness, muscle

atrophy and fasciculation, spasticity, and respiratory compromise. Lou Gehrig’s does not have a

cure; the condition only slowly gets worse, and when the muscles in the chest stop working, it

becomes very hard or impossible to breathe on ones own. Daily tasks, such as eating and

drinking soon cannot be done with out help or supervision. Even talking becomes difficult

because the throat muscles can not contract to swallow. Once diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s, there

is little that can be done medically to prevent progression. There are only treatments that patients

26

can receive to make some of the effects less painful but nothing that can prolong the disease

itself because it only gets worse. My grandpa was told that ALS was taking its toll on him and he

did not have much longer to live.

My mother struggled while coming to terms with what was going to happen to my grandpa. At

first my mother did not believe that there was absolutely nothing that could be done to help my

grandpa beat this. I remember her trying to get him to come to America to get medical treatment

here because the hospitals in Surinam were nowhere near as advanced as ours. She blamed the

Doctors in the Surinamese hospitals for not doing as much as what she thought they could have

done for him. She thought that if he was in an American Hospital he would be getting the

treatment he needed to become healthy once again. Unfortunately he was in no condition to

travel and the Doctors said that he had to be hooked up to a respiratory machine to make

breathing easier because he could no longer breathe on his own. My mother would spend hours

on the Internet doing research about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis but all the websites said the

same thing, that the disease would inevitably take her fathers life. After awhile she found the

courage with in her self and came to accept what was going to happen. She sent him money to

help pay for hospital bills but she still felt so helpless because there was nothing she could do to

prevent the progressing disease from taking his life.

Having courage is what made my mom able to face the fear of losing my grandpa and deal with

the pain to come. She decided to go to Surinam to visit him and say her last goodbyes even

though it was going to be heartbreaking. She wanted to help with getting his affairs in order such

as: making sure his will was renewed and what the arrangements of his funeral were going to be

after his passing. She also had to play the role of big sister to my uncle and be brave for him as

well because I can imagine it was just as difficult to accept his father’s death also. Day after day

27

she sat by his bedside in the hospital with the rest of the family and at times, even though it was

difficult to sit and watch him wither away, she stayed with him. She wanted to be there for him

and be strong for him as well, because he too was afraid. Bravery proved to be helpful in this

case because it gave my mom what she needed to accept what was going to happen to my

grandpa, having serenity was just not an option. She needed to confront her fear head on and

stay strong for the family while this terrible thing was happening, and it took great courage to do

so.

My mother benefited from being brave and having courage by being able to make the last few

weeks of my grandpa’s life count. My mother accepted what the outcome of the visit was going

to be and made the best of the time she had left with him. Nothing else mattered in the world

during those few weeks, even though it was hard, she accepted what was happening. She got to

spend time with her father like he really was going to die tomorrow and made every second

count. I know that it must have been nice to see him after all the years that had past. My

Grandpa and Grandma split up when my mom was only twelve and she did not spend much time

with him while she was living in Surinam as a kid, then my mom moved to the states when she

was a teenager to go to college. She told me that they shared stories back and fourth and just

caught each other up on what they had missed out on in each others lives. “It was nice to just get

reacquainted with my father.” My mother told me. Having serenity would not have been

powerful enough for acceptance in this case. Being serene about the death of a loved one would

not have given my mother the emotion and attitude she needed to gain acceptance. Courage gave

her the drive and strength to make the best out of what was going to happen. Through serenity,

simple peace of mind would not have had the same positive outcome as having courage did.

28

When in the imminence of death it takes courage to accept what cannot be changed rather than

serenity. It takes courage to face a fear such as death or pain, serenity in this case would not have

been any where near as powerful to accept my grandpa’s fatal disease because it would not have

given my mom the same strength to enjoy and make the best out of the time she had left with her

father . After her mother passed, Ann Hulbert said, “None of us was granted serenity, but I don’t

think it’s wishful thinking to say we were united in a sense that it was turmoil preceding release.”

Ann and her siblings grew closer because of the tragedy and courage being a key component to

the acceptance of death; they got through it together with strength. After their mother passed

away none of her siblings or her were given serenity, no true peace of mind was gained when

accepting their loss. I believe that losing a loved one we never really gain comfort when we

ultimately are losing a part of our self, we must have strength in order to get through life’s

challenges.

29

Work Cited

Hulbert, Ann. “To Accept What Cannot Be Helped.” The American Scholar. The American

Scholar. Winter 2011. Web. 18 September 2011.

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