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JK Inside:Why you need to know this funny drunk guy!

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SUN.SAND.CITRON.ABSOLUT PERFECTION.

JK Contents4

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10

9

6

Judson and Karl update you on their adventures.

Andy Borowitz answers our questions and yours!

Letter from the editor

Celebrity Interview

High times at...a salad bar? Our resident stoner tells all.

Lifestyle

CoverThe funniest things you don’t know about!

QuizStuck inside? Find out which movie will entertain you best.

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JK Letter from the editor

JK Message from Judson and Karl

Despite bearing no resemblance to the type of responsible, supportive magazine most people would ask for advice, we at JK still receive a number of letters asking for our input on life’s problems. Although we have a strict policy against being helpful, we decided to throw you a bone in this issue. We asked renowned satirist Andy Borowitz to answer a few of your questions. His advice follows his hilarious and informative (did you know he went to Harvard?) interview on p. 6. We also watched the funniest movies, from Animal House to Zoolander, trying to find the best ones to recommend. Take the quiz on p. 14 and see which one will crack you up! And our cover story will open your eyes to a whole new world of hilarity. Trust us, we just found your new favorite TV show, blog, book, etc.

Hope to keep you laughing ‘til next month,

Hannah Ulm

What the hell is

that thing?

Hey mans,In this issue we make friends with a monkey, get high, and make a bet. It’s good stuff. You’ll like it.

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JK StaffHannah UlmEditor in Chief

Tara McCarty

Art Director

Taylor Gaudens

Zachary

Hall

Senior Photographer

Rachel Ulm

Contributin

g Writ

er

Judson Gourley

& Karl YoungMuses

Xiaopeng WangPublisher

Associate Editor

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JK Interview with Andy Borowitz

Now a successful comedian and political satirist, Andy Borowitz got his start as a class clown in Shaker Heights, Ohio. After graduating magna cum laude from Harvard College, where he was president of the hu-mor magazine the Harvard Lampoon, Borowitz started a career in TV writing. He created The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which starred another comedic personality, Will Smith. Since the JK editors are huge Fresh Prince fans, we had to get to know the man behind the show. We also enjoy Borowitz’s daily “news” stories posted on his Web site, The Borowitz Report, and have unanimously voted his book “Who Moved My Soap? The CEO’s Guide to Surviving in Prison” the most relevant publication in the last 10 years.

When did you first realize you were funnier than most people?I was always a class clown. I think this is an adaptive strategy for someone who is terrible at sports. I seriously doubt that LeBron James ever felt the need to crack people up. On the whole, I would prefer to be LeBron James.

How did you discover the style of satire writing?I started writing fake news for my high school newspaper (The Shakerite, in Shaker Heights, Ohio) back in the ‘70s. I became editor-in-chief of the paper just so that I could do an April Fool’s issue. The newspaper won several awards before I got there. Under me, it won none.

What was your college experience at Harvard like? It was a very hectic time—I was busy performing, directing, and writing for the theater, trying my hand at standup, and running The Lampoon.

Did any of your peers intimidate you, such as the astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson? I never met the guy, but I’ll bet he was an enormous douche. Most astrophysicists are.

Which Harvard house did you live in and do you feel that experience influenced any of your work?I lived in Adams House. It didn’t really influence my work, although I met some cool people, like the opera director Peter Sellars. We were both very ambitious and frenetic about creating stuff, good and bad, which

was the point of college, I thought: a time to experiment. He became a big success and I’m not surprised.

How difficult was the process of creating The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?It was actually one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. Will Smith and I share a common sense of humor and it was very natural for me to write for him. He and I were both tall, skinny (this is before Will bulked up for his movie roles), silly jackasses and it was fun writing for him.

Do you call on Will Smith for favors and remind him you started his acting career?Every now and then a friend’s child will ask for an autographed photo of Will, and he usually responds via FedEx, the next day. That’s gratitude.

How does the work you did in your early career as a TV writer translate into what you do today? It’s all of a piece; I write what seems funny to me. Only now, I don’t have to deal with layers of network executives who have an unfortunate habit of being a roadblock to comedy. So I’m having more fun now.

Does writing political satire come easy to you?Very easy. No one has put it better than Will Rogers: “There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

Did you ever consider changing your name, like Jon Stewart?A few years back I considered changing my

name to Barack Obama. In retrospect that would have been a good move.

Describe how you came up with your book “Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO’s Guide to Surviving in Prison.” True story: it occurred to me one morning in the shower.

Do you think Bernie Madoff or any other imprisoned CEOs (like fellow Harvard grad Jeffrey Skilling of Enron) have read your book?I hope so. I think Harvard Business School should make it required reading. Right now, HBS only teaches business school students how to get to prison. Once you’re behind bars, you’re on your own. The alumni office stops calling.

What professional achievement are you most proud of?That’s something I don’t give a lot of thought; I tend to look forwards rather than back. I don’t reread work of mine and I prefer to focus on new things. But I suppose there are a few New Yorker pieces I’m glad I wrote, like “Suffering Fools Gladly” and “My Quiet Time.” That’s not bad, right? To find two pieces of writing I like out of a three-decade career?

Do you consider yourself more of a writer or a comedian?When I’m onstage and I bomb, I consider myself a writer.

Interviewed by Hannah Ulm

Dear Andy, I drive 65 miles to and from work every day. What do you suggest I do when I’m stuck in traffic?Thanks,Rachel

Rachel – try road rage. If that fails, podcasts of “Fresh Air.”

Dear Andy, How would you deal with a coworker who keeps asking you out despite repeatedly saying no?Sincerely,BFH

BFH – Politely say, “I’d love to go out with you, but first I want my doctor to take a look at this rash.”

Dear Andy, I am being promoted and will soon be the boss of some of my friends and coworkers. What is a good way to instruct them without seeming too bossy or too lenient? Sincerely,TMM

TMM – Treat them all the same, so there’s no suspicion of favoritism. A good way to do that is by prefacing every instruction with, “Hey, dickwad.”

Dear Andy, I keep finding roaches in my kitchen and my jerk landlord won’t acknowledge it. Do you have any ad-vice on ways to coerce him into fixing the problem?Taylor

Taylor, I keep on telling you I’ll fix it. There was no need to air this in public. By the way, I’m still waiting for your May check.

Ask Andy

Dear Abby,watch your back.

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rachel

DON’T JUMP.ABSOLUT TRAGEDY.

High TimesJKSalad bar edition

Why am I so much funnier when I’m high? It’s like I can’t tell a bad joke. I crack myself up. I was internally praising myself for another hilarious comment last week while my friend Casey and I were in the salad line at Sweet Tomatoes, a giant salad bar for those of you who are unfamiliar. We were piling our plates high with the best, and certainly most artistic looking salad concoctions we could create. We had come to Sweet Tomatoes for obvious reasons — it’s a buffet. Paradise for the stoner with the munchies. I am not (repeat NOT) a functioning high person; I laugh too much and eat too much and say really stonerific things. This

buffet restaurant can still get me to leave the house. So back to the line…there we were, as hungry as one can possibly be, nearing the checkout area. We were so anxious to pay up, find our seats and finally dig into the amazing appetizer we’d fashioned. I had to silently remind myself that picking at it with my fingers in public is not cool no matter how high I was. I was so very happy to hand the cashier my money because I knew as soon as the transaction went through, Casey and I could rush to the nearest seat and I could use a socially accepted utensil to stuff my face. Let’s pause here for a moment and think of all the things the could wrong to impede my

feast. I could find a bug on my plate, I could accidentally drop my tray, another buffet-lover could sneeze over my tuna tarragon — lots of things. Those possibilities would all result in me being disgusted and no longer able to eat my creation. What really happened made me realize that irony, while usually awesome and fun to point out, is not always that way. Long story short, we paid up, turned around to scan for a table, and instead saw a “please wait to be seated sign.” What was this nonsense? I’m starving people! I’m holding my relief in my own two hands (which we’ve decided I can’t use as a means of getting this food in my mouth)! Wait?

To be seated? We had no choice. It was time to pick up that chickpea and savor it. Did I dare? In high time it felt like we stood there for 20 minutes. 20 long, hunger-inducing minutes. In real life time it was probably more like 4 minutes, but still, that’s an eternity when what’s spread before you is station after station of all you can eat deliciousness. We were finally seated, I got my fork and went to town. That’s when my food-induced coma came on so I’m all out of fun memories for you kids. And hey — guy with the bike shorts from a few booths down — if you’re reading…chew with your mouth closed, thanks.

I can’t even see you. What is going on right now?

Am I upside-down?

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Research and writing done by the JK staff stoner

What sounds better than a drunken comedian stumbling down international roads with a camerman named Curtis? That’s right, nothing. Zane Lamprey hosts “Three Sheets,” a show dedicated to educating viewers about drinking customs across the world. Zane teaches you about the local booze, traditions and even hangover cures from every city he visits, from Las Vegas to Bangkok. His experiences have even led to some new vocabulary, including the terms “Jim the cop’d” and “Steve McKenna’d.”

Originally airing on the now defunct channel MOJO HD, the show moved to the Fine Living Network in 2009. The Travel Channel is now airing old episodes before deciding whether to pick it up for a fifth season. Most episodes are available on Hulu.com and Zane is currently documenting his stand-up tour “Drinking Made Easy” for a 24-episode season on HDNet starting in September. However you watch this show, make sure to keep an eye out for Zane’s sidekick and drinking buddy Pleepleus!

The Funniest ThingsYou’ve Never Heard Of!

TV Show

He probably prefers banana rum overactual fruit.

What up Pleepleus

Zane

trie

s an

unap

peal

ing

drin

k du

ring

an

epis

ode.

Plee

pleu

s chi

lling

as u

sual

.

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By Hannah and Rachel Ulm

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Cash Money Chaos is a game premiering in June 2010 for the PSP. According to gamepressure.com, you are captured by aliens who make you play a twisted 1970’s game show in order to win money and save the human race. Obviously the premise itself is hilarious, but also

kind of freaky. With all the money-hungry, reality-show-loving crazies on our TVs these days, it doesn’t seem too impossible for aliens to use that as their inspiration. Especially if the only channel they can get is the Game Show Network.

As far as blogs go, Allie Brosh’s is the perfect mix of randomness and hilarity. Because there is no central theme (like sports or fashion), the blog doesn’t exclude any potential reader. It is almost a brief set of memoirs, similar to the likes of Chelsea Handler, only with drawings made with the most basic of computer programs: Paintbrush. Her stories are always

funny and well-illustrated, and most of the time relatable (to the rest of us who are also certifiable). Alexa.com gives it a traffic rating of 39,520, which means it isn’t as unknown as the rest of our featured items. The editors at JK didn’t know about it though, and for that reason we now share it with you. Check out Allie’s stories and drawings at hyperboleandahalf.b l o g s p o t . c o m .

The Funniest ThingsYou’ve Never Heard Of!

Video Game BlogDraw

ing courtesy of Allie Brosh

Bet you five cavemen babies that sexy beast would pick me over you.

Dude you know

I do not

have five cavemen

babies to

spare right now,

the economy is

down! But yeah

right, obviously

she would choose

me for my

great hair.

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This publication could fall into two categories: book or cartoon. As it is a book of cartoons, we decided to go with book. Don’t be fooled by its categorization though, this book was made exclusively for cartoon lovers. What Would Satan Do? is 150 pages of “cartoons about right, wrong, and very, very wrong.” These cartoons often feature those many are used

to complaining about: lawyers, insurance agents, mother-in-laws, etc. Think of it as a cousin to The Far Side by Gary Larson cartoons, only focused on ethics (or lack thereof). Not only are the contents funny, but the title is amusing for those who stumble across it in your guest bathroom. Another suggested place for reading: this year’s church picnic!

Ok, I’m sure this category threw you for a minute, but really, college essay topics are getting far more interesting as students get more and more competative. Recently, the University of Florida provided a few choices for those applying to their Honor’s College. One choice was, “If a bear and a shark were to fight in space, who would in?” First of all, what the hell? Where were awesome topics like this when

we applied to college? We get why they’re asking such an odd question, to test the applicant’s creativity and rationality when faced with a bizarre (and unprecedented) situation. But really, it almost seems unfair for those nerds who’ve studied forever but are unequipped with any comicality. Putting our sympathies aside, we commend UF for stepping up their sense of humor and making it into our magazine.

There have been many funny couples, past and present, who we at JK admire — Lucy and Desi, Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman, Peter and Lois Griffin — but none have flown under the radar like Bill Lawrence and Christa Miller. Before creating the TV show Scrubs, Lawrence wrote for shows like Friends and The Nanny, honing his comedic skills. Miller gained noteriety for the role of Kate O’Brien on The Drew Carey Show. Lawrence used

his wife’s comic timing, putting her in the role of Jordan Sullivan, Dr. Cox’s amusingly evil ex-wife, on Scrubs. After nine years of Scrubs, Lawrence and Miller moved on to a new project, the show Cougar Town starring Courteney Cox Arquette. Miller has a new, although similar, character and Lawrence’s writing is as funny as ever. How they stay this funny, work together, and have a successful marriage is beyond us.

Book

Power Couple

College EssayTopic

Buy once.Laugh forever.

Were you cool in high school?

Does your bank account balance have at least five digits?

Are you in a relationship?

The Jock The Nerd The Jet-setter The Heartbroken The PotheadHappy Gilmore

The History of the World Airplane!

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Grandma’sBoy

Does your significant other make more money than you?

Does your blood pressure rise when you hear the name Bill Buckner?

Have you ever worn a toga?

Where?

If you could take a trip anywhere, where would you go? What put you

to sleep last night?

A PartyJust for fun

Yes No

Around the world

Hawaii

Tears Weed

Yes

Yes

Yes

Yes

Yes

No

No

No

No

No

JK Quiz

14

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noise all the time?

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Call 1-800-KIT-MITS or visitwww.paddyspub.com/kitmits

Think there’s no answer?

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