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Finding Love in the Midst of Hardship

I can be a little slow, stubborn and hard headed sometimes. As I look back on my life, it has

only taken me fifty years to really get a clue on what love really is. I don’t claim to know it all,

but I hope to at least scratch the surface of this thing we call love.

I believe Hollywood really distorts our view of love. A good love story usually consists of the

characters by chance meeting and one or both fall in love at first sight. During the romance there

usually is a big misunderstanding, and a lot of mistakes in communication or circumstances to

put a little drama in the story. Then eventually they fall in love, reconcile their differences and

live happily ever after.

Over the years personally and through conversations with others, I have come to the

conclusion this is usually how it works: Two dysfunctional people meet and then hide their

issues and problems from one another. They put on a front that they have it all together and try to

be as attractive to each other as possible so the relationship can succeed. The reality that just like

the Easter bunny and Santa Clause are lies that aren’t real, eventually both parties tire of putting

on their front and their true colors come through. Hopefully this happens before they get married,

many times it doesn’t. This could be a big reason for a large percentage of divorces in our

country. I whole-heartedly believe love is worth believing in and fighting for, even though it may

seem evasive for some, a big letdown, and extremely heart breaking for others.

I learned about true love from my mother at a very early age. My older brothers and sister

hated watching me and taking care of me, so they tormented my relentlessly. I vividly remember

my sister locking me out of the hose because we were in an argument and I accidently broke the

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storm glass door trying to get back in the house. I was extremely upset with her and when I saw

my mother I would put up my arms and run toward her crying. She always hugged me, picked

me up and told me how much she loved me. She always comforted me, which gave me peace

and settled me down. I always felt safe in her arms and protected from all harm. This brings us

really to the heart of true love. Love hurts! In this story I was distraught had, no peace, and was

overridden by fear. I was hurting at the highest level.

Another story about my mother is when I was going away to the navy. My mother was

heartbroken her baby was all grown up and was going out into the big bad world, and she knew it

would break my heart. I thought why in the world is she so upset? The naive young man darts

out into the big bad world and gets his dreams immediately shattered. Within six months I met an

extremely attractive woman, she said “I love you.” and I fell wholeheartedly for her. I was

already in love with her and that was the icing on the cake. Ellen was shorter than me, with long

hair down to her curves and a body that just would not quit. She resembled a young Barbra

Streisand without the funky nose. Making love to a woman that gorgeous was way over the top

for me and shortly after our relationship started; she went home for leave and came back a

different person. I found out very abruptly that just because someone tells you they love you,

certainly did not mean the same as I naively thought it did. I really loved her wholeheartedly

without an ounce of reservation. If there were a move made about this scene, the special effects

people would have shown her thrusting her hand into my chest just below the ribcage, perching

my skin, grabbing my heart, with a devilish look on her face, and as she held it in her hand, she

threw it on the ground and stomped it like a gigantic bug, laughing in my face.

I spent weeks on my bunk in a fetal positing looking like I was recovering from heroin

withdraws. I couldn’t eat and was extremely depressed. At the same time I got into trouble with

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the Navy and they dropped me from sub school which resulted in losing my guaranteed school.

They also lied to me and would not let me out of the Navy. To top it all off, I had to wait for the

Navy to send me to another location and this took weeks. All I wanted to do is get of that base

and never see her again. I must admit 38 years later that still scar runs deep.

"Love, I get lost some times, days pass and this emptiness fills my heart". This is the first line

of Peter Gabriel’s song “In Your Eyes”. Here is the link to the U-tube video, enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2v5d3WHVQFY It speaks volumes of where I was from 18-

25. Lost in sex drugs and rock and roll, ironically I missed this song in its height of its

popularity. I wasn’t remotely looking for love. I led the life of a sailor, save tattoos, and

cigarettes. Lonely and empty I thought the thing to do was to find a woman that wanted to share

expenses get a place and share each other’s company, period. Just to put a bandage on my hurt,

loneliness, and pain

I was on temporary duty as a gate guard at a naval base in Virginia and Wendy walked in. She

was very attractive and said she did not know her way around and I offered to show her. We

began dating and developed a relationship. Clearly I stated that I did not want to get married,

serious or have any children. Wendy complied verbally; but in her mind I found out later, she

intentionally got pregnant so she could have a child. She thought I was smart enough to make a

good living, not a bad looking guy, and I would make good kids. She flatteringly referred to me

as the second best man she ever met while she was in the Navy. One of my friends and coworker

was the other.

I told her when I met her when September 9, 1982 came I would be getting on a plane and

going back home to Indiana. True to my word two weeks after my son Jeremy was born, I got on

an airplane. I went back to my shallow lifestyle in Indianapolis. Soon I met Cathy; she was a

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nurse that was hot and steaming. I fell in lust and things were fine until I told her my son and

Wendy were visiting and she dropped me immediately. This broke my heart again and

eventually I succumbed to my mother’s advice to live up to the responsibility of raising my son

and leading a more respectable life.

Marrying Wendy is not exactly what I wanted to do, but my responsibility and love for my

son Jeremy overrode my plans and desires. I had compassion for her and began to love her in a

different manner mainly because of the love for my children and her being their mother. Wendy

was very much wounded like me also. She had been abducted and raped for several days, been

through a divorce, had an abortion, and given up a child for adoption, all long before I met her. I

believe this is the reason she seemed to lack passion in our relationship. This created an

environment where we loved our children; but if two days ever went by without us getting into it,

I would be surprised, and left me wanting for more intimacy. This after twenty years of marriage

led to self medication with drugs and alcohol then eventually other women. I know this is no

excuse but in my weakest moments this is what happened.

I remember one time in a big fight I was drinking and Wendy knew how to press my buttons

and I told her “Listen to me and stop watching TV.” She proceeded to keep watching TV and

ignored me. I warned her again, she continued to ignore me, and then I took a quart bear bottle

and threw it into the TV breaking the screen. Then I proceeded to have a melt down on the couch

crying with my face in my hands. My daughter, then five years old sat down beside me put her

arms around and said, “I love you daddy.” How does a child override all that violence, fear, and

pain to do that? Love.

Shortly after that we started going to church. We were trying to straighten out our

dysfunctional family. For a time we got better, mainly me. I had a voice in my head that said,

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“The closer I get to the hometown I grew up in and the more money I make, the happier I will

be!” Then the government place I worked at was closed back in 1996 about the same time as the

Shipyard closed in Charleston, SC.

This is where the ten year hardship began; I thought I have to take care of my family. The idea

of having to starting over with a new job and moving was very stressful and this began taking a

toll on my emotions and attitude. We decided to move on with a new government job at Kokomo

Indiana at an Air Force reserve base in the middle of Cornfield County. All the new people I

worked with except for two people were really first class yahoos. They treated me worse than

people treat a stray dog and I hated that job, of course this added to my stress that effected my

state of mind. Several months later I applied for a job with the Federal Aviation Administration

and I was excited about the possibly to work for them and getting out of this hell hole. Three

others at my job applied for the same opportunity. After four or five months of waiting through

the process that would try anyone’s patience, I was the only one hired, instantly almost everyone

hated me. They said really bad things about me, like I lied on my application, because in their

minds it was the only way I could have gotten the job. All I knew is I wanted to get out of there

ASAP and the great news is the FAA only gave me 24 hours to check out of my current job to

report for work and bam I was gone off to South Bend ninety miles north. I figured what could

be the worst thing that could happen? I could get a new set of asses to work with.

I drove that distance for two years, but over a year of that I spent in Oklahoma City, OK

going to FAA electronic schools, if you don’t think driving that distance is stressful, try it during

the winter with two feet of snow on the road. At my new job Dick had already been working

there for over a year. He used to work with the yahoos I worked with before. They filled his

mind with all kinds of lies like, I lied on my application, was lazy, stupid, etc.….He in turn filled

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my new coworkers with these lies including my boss, obviously trying to get me fired. This

really bothered me because I am not use to my character being assassinated behind my back on

this level. One day one of the senior technicians asked me "Did you know Dick hates you?” I

said, “I don’t even know the guy!” He said “We don’t really like him either, so we are going to

give you the benefit of the doubt.” I said “Thank you!” In just six months I went from a stress

level of two on a scale of one to ten to a solid five.

Dick had been trying to get his training done so he could get certified to work on the FAA’s

equipment; and they take this quite seriously. In the FAA if you fail a test before you are

certified you’re fired no questions asked. He was trying to get equivalencies from military

training, and testing out of other courses. I took a different route and decided to take every

course they had and moved directly to get my certification and this ultimately led to a year

without my family and many more stressful problems developed from that. The first thing I had

to do was pass two exams in two months; one was the entire field of electronics and the other the

complete field of mathematics. Remember I said if you fail you’re fired? The stress level just

kept rising. I was teaching myself trigonometry, brushing up on electronics and algebra through

watching videotapes, computer programs, and I even hired a tutor, there were many math

problems the FAA had that she couldn’t answer and she was a math major. This pace was by no

means easy for a thirty eight year old man.

Meanwhile, Dick failed a course at the FAA academy, failure was not an option and he had to

file a complaint with the union against our supervisor to keep his job. Needless to say my boss

was not pleased with him and instantly became one of my biggest fans. I passed the two exams

within 60 days, and my boss scheduled me a string of electronics principal’s courses and

equipment concepts course and then navigation equipment school right after that. The quick end

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of the story is that I got certified to do the same job thirty days before Richard did and he had

one full year’s head start. My boss couldn’t wait to announce to the shop I had beaten him to full

certification. Dick had to eat a lot of crow over the evil things he said about me.

They say working for the FAA is really stressful and I can definitely say it is true. Since 1996

we moved five times. I had been going to college full time and was learned three new Air

National Guard jobs. I switched full time jobs three times, along with raising a family and

working with jerks like Dick; there were many along the way. In magazines there are tests that

give numerical scores for stressful events fifty points for changing jobs, fifty points for buying a

house, and one hundred points for going to school full time and working full time etc…The

average person had a stress score of one hundred and fifty, and I was running at the time about

five hundred.

Due to my extramarital sex, booze and rock and roll habits taking control of my life, my

relationship with my wife, children, and finances was spiraling rapidly downward out of control.

It really starting to take a toll and overloaded on my mind and emotions. The stress was

unbelievable I actually felt like I was going to break in two. For several years I felt like a knife

was logged in my back just below my right shoulder blade.

Just like the line in Peter Gabriel song “In your eyes.” “When I want to run away I drive off in

my car” I was really depressed one day and had been drinking a little too much, but not over the

legal limit to drive, wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, crossed the centerline, and hit a

car near head on. The truth is I had come to the point where I was so stressed out; I really didn’t

care if I lived or if I died, dyeing would have been a relief for me. The good news is: the family I

hit was all fine except their car; the bad news is I ruptured my aorta and the Jaws of Life took

over a half an hour to get me out of the car. The statistics say eighty-five percent of auto

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accidents with my injuries the driver dies at the scene. I am a fifteen per center; I am certainly on

my second life if not third or fourth. My medical and auto insurance paid for everything; that is

except a few hundred dollars. The bill was over $250,000 with the medical bills and two totaled

cars. Something or someone was apparently watching over me.

After I recovered, I was busting my butt to pay the bills and had filed my taxes ASAP to get

some money and forgot I had taken some money out of my 401K. I had to re-file and ended up

owning $ 1,800. Shortly thereafter I got a registered letter from the IRS and gave it to Wendy,

who was a stay at home mom even though, my daughter (our youngest) was 17 and a senior at

High School. I said to her Call these people and make arrangements.” She said “OK”. A month

later I got another IRS letter. I gave it to Wendy and told her to “Call them and make

arrangements please” She said, “OK” again. A few months later I was coming back from

Oklahoma City from the grueling training program the FAA had me on and got a call from my

bank and they said, “You are over drawn on your checking account.” I said, “I can’t be I just got

paid two days ago.” They said, “You are, the IRS seized $1,800 from your checking account.” I

didn’t have the $ 1,800 and all my bills like electricity, phone, credit cards, loans, and water

weren’t paid and to top it all off I incurred $2,000 in bounced check fees from my bank and even

more fees from the recipients of the checks; a total of six thousand dollars in bills plus the other

credit I could not pay.

I was tapped out credit wise, and no way or now one to help with the money. To top it all off

my wife refused to work to help me out. I finally reached a ten on the scale of 1-10 on my stress

level and I was angry, really angry! I told my wife to go to her mother in Virginia. I didn’t want

to see her again, she was so devastated, and the look on her face….; I look back on it now and

think “I never want to see that hurt look again from anyone the rest of my life”. This is not love.

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Eventually she called and asked to come back home to be with our daughter before she left

home and we reconciled as best we could. I was seriously starting to lose my mind during this

time. I barely had the capacity to do my job and maintain my sanity. I couldn’t do it any more; I

had tried everything I knew to find help, went to doctors, pastors, therapy groups and could not

find any help or relief. The voice in my head was a lie. I was thirty minutes from my home town

making 85K a year and absolutely miserable! During this 10 year period I experienced a

kaleidoscope of change virtually every day where my mind and emotions were stirred through

their complete ranges, any peace of mind evaded me. It was like I was trying to walk in the midst

of a hurricane with 100 mile an hour winds and rain changing directions constantly. This

provided a consistent high stress factor that eventually brought me to my wits end.

I had no choice, I tried prayer many times, but it wasn’t until I got flat on my face before God

and literally begged God to change my life. I admitted I screwed my life up beyond my capacity

to turn it around. I said “Please give me another chance for a new life and please help me find

peace.” I had been trying to get another job with the government for the last two years with not

so much as a nibble. Then out of the blue I got a call and the man said, “You are obviously

qualified for the job, are you willing to go to Afghanistan?” this was my interview and offer in

one sentence. I took it as my ticket out of my living hell; to this day I consider it a miracle.

Flat broke or should I say a few levels below that, January 1, 2006 ten years from the

beginning of my hardship, we somehow got to South Carolina. My credit was horrible and

because I was in the Air National guard with a security clearance; I did not have to get a new

security investigation, but my two coworkers did. I really got lucky because they might not have

given me a clearance because my credit was so bad and I could have lost my job. I was the first

to go on my four-month tour to Kandahar Afghanistan. Even though we were $20K in debt with

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nothing to show for it, overnight we became one hundred percent debt free. I know most people

think “me in a war zone? No way Jose’ !” But for me no booze, few women, and those that are

there wear clothes, it was a safe place for me. My four month rehab without paying thousands,

instead I got pad thousands, what a blessing. I remember walking to the gym in Kandahar in the

midst of a war zone and I was overcome with well-being and peace of mind. This is love. After a

solid year getting fifty minute back massages twice a week, the feeling of the knife in my back

and that I was going to break in two was finally gone.

My marriage was restored and my daughter stopped having seizures and got off hard drugs

and I regained my sanity. My stress level dropped back down to a two (In a war zone.) and

everything seemed fine like a storybook ending, until the fateful day when I was back from

Afghanistan, while I was on military orders near Columbia, South Carolina. I called my Pastor at

lunchtime and asked him how things were going with his son (His son had a serious drug

addiction problem and lived on the street at the time.) then I went back to work. Cell phone

reception was lousy on base; so when I drove back through Columbia on the way home, I got a

call from my pastor. He said, “Where are you and have you talked with your daughter? I said, “I

am on my way home.” He said why?” I said “Because that is where I live.” He said, “Wendy

died in her sleep.” The first thing you think in that situation is that there is some kind of mistake.

After this overwhelming journey, why has this happened to me? I was badly hurt and deeply

grieved. That night I remember leaning up against the wall saying, “God, I don’t even know

what to pray for, I hurt so badly I don’t know what to say. Please help me!” Two days later while

I was singing praises to God. I saw a vision of her glorified in heaven. This is love.

When I finally got her death certificate six weeks later, I received the life insurance money

and I had close to $200,000 in my checking account. Devastated, deeply hurt, and grieving I

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started slipping back into my old self-destructive ways, with enough money to accidently kill

myself and I was off on that journey rapidly spinning out of control. One day I ended up in a

hotel room with two girls who shot up heroin and smoked crack. By some miracle I did not get

caught up in that and said to them, I just can’t do this and told them about my experiences in the

last year. I asked them “Where you think you will be when you become my age or do you think

you will live this long?” Silence…Then I asked, “Do you believe in God? One of them said, “I

hate him.” I knew I was in way over my head, and said, “I will pray for you.” then proceeded to

run as fast as I could from that dead end lifestyle. Yes, I have been to my bottom and am

thankful the grace of God has not let me go any further. It was like being on the side of a cliff,

looking down and not being able to see the bottom. It would have been easy to fall off being so

close to the edge.

I got home around 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and my daughter was up worried about me. She

was crying as she said “I am terrified that I am going to lose you too, and I don’t think I can

handle it!” She was twenty-one years old and it was as if God was actually talking directly to me,

through her. I took everything she said to heart and began the trek back to sanity. The good news

is, it was a much shorter trip this time.

I ran into Kathy through a mutual friend and instantly I fell for her, she is everything I have

ever wanted in a mate. Since she is a Dr. of Psychotherapy, I decided to show my real self-up

front with all my baggage, and even showed my ass a few times. I held nothing back about my

weaknesses and issues with self-destruction, and we learned more about each other in a year than

most people do in ten. She didn’t run from me; this is when I probably should have questioned

her sanity, but she fell in love with me too. Really by this time I don’t think I could be hurt

anymore due to all the crap I have been through at this point in my life.

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I came full circle and let go of protecting myself and put my love out there again. I am happy

to say I am in love with my wife and that she is in love with me. If it is not true, please don’t ruin

my delusion. I am a fortunate man to have found love on so many levels with so many people. I

don’t regret my experiences, I wish I had done many things differently, but I wouldn’t change a

thing because it has made me who I am today. However, I would not wish these experiences on

my worst enemy, it was simply too painful. Love does hurt and many do not get past that hurt to

love again. Many are so obsessed with finding love with the opposite sex; and it is just past the

end of their nose but they can’t see it. Love is there all the time constantly pursuing us

everywhere we go. We find love in the midst of pain, just like I did with my mother. I was

always devastated by the treatment of my brothers and sister and I ran into her arms. In the midst

of that pain I found love, acceptance, safety, and peace.

Today I know exactly what to do, no matter what. At the drop of a hat I run to love, no matter

what I think or how I feel. I have come to know that God is love. Love is in me and everyone

born into this world. We all know God but for some reason many fight his love. In the midst of

all the pain here on earth love “reaches out from the inside” (Lyrics of “In your Eyes”) of us and

if we come to believe in Love. God brings us to a new life, one that makes a broken man like me

into something that can love, enables me to love, and forgive others. I didn’t love for years and I

missed out on a lot, it is so easy to get caught up in the selfishness of our lives and miss love.

God is there all the time, always willing to love and forgive. Love is the dream we all want, and

it is so much more than we can ever really fully comprehend. Love makes life worth living and

reaches out to this hurting world with hope, and forgiveness. I couldn’t reach out with

forgiveness, until I surrendered to Love. Before these humbling experiences, I really did not

know love. Believe it or not I don’t really consider myself a religious man because many things

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men and women do in the name of their religion. With a warped understand of a self-serving

concept of God. I find a lot of it quite offensive personally and in my opinion it does not

represent the true love and forgiveness of God.

To believe those who ran the airliners into the World Trade Center did it in the name of their

God. I assure you this is not the God I have come to know. I love God because I have been

forgiven of so much and I have been helped in so many ways. God has always been there and

provides for me. God helps me and has made me more than I could ever do on my own.