FATHER FATHER PILOT

DRAFT TWO11.15.13.

Written by

Ryan Budds

ryanbudds@gmail.com(708) 228-7392

ACT ONE

INT. CHURCH - DAY

A golden cross shines bright on a wooden wall. Organ music blares on a confessional booth.

INT. CONFESSIONAL

A timid priest, FATHER MACDONALD, sits comfortably with his legs crossed on one side of the tiny room. Hes tall, chipper, and past forty with a fresh-but-graying haircut.

GRAHAM, a daft punk with no techno skills, sits on the other side of the breathable wall. Hes dusty, pierced, and *tattooed, but harmless. *

FATHER...And how many years has it been since your last confession, my son?

GRAHAMThis is my first confession.

FATHERWell, we have a saying here at this church. Theres a first time for everything, even confessions!

GRAHAMThats the saying?

FATHERIt needs some work. My point is, welcome, and please, proceed with your first confession. *

GRAHAMOkay! So...Im a thief. I steal. *Lots of stuff. Cars. Trucks. Bikes. Few mailboxes.

FATHERMailboxes?

GRAHAMYeah. My niece likes to play mailman. Try to make it authentic. *

FATHERI see. Well, my son, stealing is wrong. Its breaking one of the Ten Commandments.

GRAHAMYeah! I remember those from Sunday School. No porkin your neighbors old lady, right? *

FATHER(uncomfortably) *

Something like that.

GRAHAMHow do I redeem myself or whatever? I want my thug life to be my past *life. *

FATHER *We all have parts of past wed like *to forget, Graham. *

GRAHAM *Well, what do I gotta do? *

(holding ear lobes) *These holes aint just gonna close *up real quick. *

FATHER *Just a second...

Father fumbles around his side of the booth and finds a chart with SINS and PENANCE on it. He scrolls his finger over to STEALING and then down to the word LOTS and over to the PRAYER TOTAL.

FATHER (CONTD)Uh...Id like you to say five Our Fathers and three Hail Marys.

GRAHAMEight prayers? Thats it?

A text message goes off on Fathers phone.

FATHER(distracted)

Yes.

Father texts back while spouting off profound wisdom. Hes texting and priesting. TEXT CLICKY NOISES start. *

Blue (11/14/2013) 2.

FATHER (CONTD)(rehearsed)

And take a look at your surroundings. See what your support systems are. Circle yourself with friends that help you enforce the positive lifestyle you imagine for a happy you. Draw a line between yourself and crime, and stay on your side.

TEXT CLICKY NOISES stop. *

GRAHAM *Were you just texting? *

FATHER *Nope. *

Fathers PHONE RINGS, a Celtic ringtone. *

FATHER (CONTD)Uh, you may go in peace, my son! *

They exit the booth. Father rushes towards the foyer, *silencing his cell. *

GRAHAMMan, you seem like youre in a *hurry. *

FATHER *A bit. Going on a big football trip *with some cronies very shortly. *

GRAHAM *Priests can leave the church? *

FATHER *Only on full moons. *

Graham nods like hes heard that before. *

FATHER (CONTD) *See you next crime! Er, time. See *you next time. *

Graham exits. Father composes himself, answering the call. *

FATHER (CONTD)ello?

Blue (11/14/2013) 3.

TED (O.S.)Old Macdonald! Where are you man? Were packing up now!

FATHERAh! Held up at work. Stopping home, then Ill be there.

TED (O.S.)Notre Dame!

FATHERNotre Dame!

PHIL (O.S.)Notre Dame mothafu--

Father hangs up. SISTER HAZEL, an attractive young nun, scoots by Father with a tray of cookies. *

SISTER HAZELWere going to miss you at the bake sale this year, Father! Especially your famous Macdonald Macaroons.

FATHERAnd I, you, Sister.

An awkward pause.

SISTER HAZEL(baffled)

Youre going to miss...mymacaroons?

FATHERHmm. Ill be honest, thats the first time Ive ever used the phrase and I you in a sentence. *

His phone rings--again. He answers quickly, on speakerphone. *

FATHER (CONTD) *Fellas, I will be there in a jiffy-- *

He flips the phone shut. *

FATHER (CONTD) *Sometimes I dont know if cell *phones are a modern marvel or a *nasty nuisance. *

Blue (11/14/2013) 4.

SISTER HAZEL *Speaking of nuisance, we got three *calls this afternoon from a sperm *bank. Asking for you. Can you *believe it? Is there some joke *about a priest walking into a sperm *bank that I dont know of? *

FATHER *Not that Ive heard, and Im a *pretty big joker. *

(whispering) *I collect the Laffy Taffy wrappers. *

Sister Hazel nods, approving. *

FATHER (CONTD) *(waving cell phone) *

Well, at least they dont have this *number. *

SISTER HAZEL *Where ever did you find a flip *phone these days? *

FATHER *Goodwill! One mans trash is *another... priests...first...cell *phone. *

On cell phone he accidentally whips his phone into a nearby *dish of holy water. He fishes it out, but its dead. *

FATHER (CONTD) *(hoping) *

Yes. Sister, please put this in a *bag with some of the wedding rice, *will you? *

She grabs it and scurries off smiling. *

Father turns to a statue of Jesus.

FATHER (CONTD)See you next week, big guy.

He shoots a wink and a finger-gun at JC and holds it for a few beats.

FATHER (CONTD)(to himself) *

Hes probably not going to wink back.

Blue (11/14/2013) 5.

INT. FATHERS BEDROOM - LATER

Father stands in front of a nearly-full suitcase, jamming a pack of hosts to go, a squirt gun filled with holy water, and a bible (with secret mini emergency bible) inside before closing it.

FATHERCant leave home without the essentials!

He replaces his white collar with a Notre Dame collar and smiles into the mirror.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Father finds a black and white cat perched at the bottom of the stairs and picks him up. This is his pet, PANDA.

FATHERAlright, Panda. I filled the automatic feeder for you. And if you get lonely, theres a bottle of scotch under the kitchen sink.

He drops the cat, grabs his bag, and heads to the door. He sings the word holy in repetition, part of a song. He flicks the light switch, turns the knob, opens the door and finds--

THREE CHILDREN ON HIS DOORSTEP.

FATHER (CONTD)(startled, still singing)

Holy hell!

The kids stand in a row oldest to youngest. The OLDEST child is AMBER (16), and dressed darkly with loads of makeup. The MIDDLE child, SCOUT (12), screams all things nerdy, wearing suspenders, thick glasses, and a mop of uncombed hair. The YOUNGEST child is TYLOR (9), ripped for a kid and very in- *shape with an athletic presence.

Scout pulls a clenched fist towards his chest in excitement.

SCOUTYES!

AMBERWow, creepy. The guy does look a lot like you.

Blue (11/14/2013) 6.

FATHERUh, can I help you?

TYLOR(very Oliver Twisty) *

Yes, sir, were selling magazine subscriptions for orphans who dont have addresses to get magazines. Would you like to buy a thousand?

FATHER(baffled)

What?

AMBERCut it out, Tylor. Listen, sir. Im *a vamp. Scout builds robots. And Tylor is a self-obsessed nine year *old. Oh and were your kids.

Father is dumbfounded. What is happening? He turns to find Panda on the coffee table with a scotch bottle and two poured glasses.

FATHERIm sorry, thats impossible. Im a priest. I cant have any kids! I cant even be married.

AMBERHate to tell you, dude, but you *dont really need a ring to have a kid these days. Or sixteen years ago.

FATHERYoure sixteen?

AMBERActually, Im immortal.

She bares her teeth to reveal FANGS.

AMBER (CONTD)See?

FATHEROh my, are those fangs?

AMBERTheyre not dentures.

TYLORAre we showing off?

Blue (11/14/2013) 7.

Tylor starts flexing, posing, and fixing his hair. He lifts *his shirt. INSERT: a massive six-pack of abs, obviously an *adults. *

FATHERWhoa kiddo. Arent you a little young to be a body builder?

TYLORI can bench triple my weight.

SCOUTYou weigh thirty-five pounds.

TYLORShut up, fat ass.

FATHERPlease! Stop. You kids...you have the wrong address. What youre saying cannot be true. Im a man of the cloth.

He stares at Scout, who looks exactly like him.

AMBERYeah, well like a decade-and-a-half ago, you were a man of the tissue.

Father is appalled by her dig.

AMBER (CONTD)Its true! Now will you let us in or what?

FATHERThis would be a very strange home invasion movie.

They push passed him with their bags.

FATHER (CONTD)Im actually just on my way out, for a weekend trip!

The boys start tinkering with everything in sight. Amber plops down on the couch.

AMBERThats fine. Can you leave us some cash for a pizza? Oh and the keys to your PT Cruiser?

Blue (11/14/2013) 8.

FATHERNo!

AMBER(reciting)

Four-PTs-Sake...great license plate.

She rolls her eyes, like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack.

FATHERLook, theres just no way youre mykids. Theres just absolutely no--

AMBER(sternly) *

You got drunk in college and donated sperm.

Father is wide-eyed. Somethings sinking in. *

AMBER (CONTD)We were the sperm.

SCOUTGross.

TYLOR(whispering) *

Whats sperm?

SCOUTWeiner tadpoles.

Tylor is shocked and appalled. Father thinks back, but is *still perplexed.

FATHERI wouldnt do th--

AMBERYou made three-hundred dollars for your donation. For us.

Tylor pokes the cat, Panda.

TYLORThis a real cat?

(very quickly)IS IT?

Father shakes his head, obviously. Amber busts out a file folder.

Blue (11/14/2013) 9.

AMBERYou didnt donate under your real name, though. You donated under--

(reading)Big Macky D.

Fathers face goes WHITE.

FATHERBig...Macky...D?

He turns to a picture framed on the wall of him and his buddies in college.

CUT TO:

INT. COLLEGE DORM - FLASHBACK

Father has two forty-ounce beer bottles taped to each of his hands, playing Edward Forty-Hands. Someone places a gigantic bong in front of him.

FATHERI wont do it!

(then)But Big Macky D will!

He leans down and takes a huge hit while everyone cheers. *

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS *

Father stands next to a SHIRTLESS DUDE. *

SHIRTLESS DUDE *Come on! Everyones streaking! *

FATHERI wont do it!

(then)But Big Macky D will!

Father whips his shirt off and sprints after the guy. *

EXT. COLLEGE TOWN

Father, and two friends stalk the front of a building, drunk *as can be.

FATHER(very seriously)

I WONT DO IT.

Blue (11/14/2013) 10.

(MORE)

(long beat)But BIG MACKY D WILL!

They laugh and all stumbled through the front doors of the building which is revealed to be a SPERM BANK.

FATHER (O.S.) (CONTD)Someone get these babies outta me! *

INT. LIVING ROOM - PRESENT

Father returns from his flashback.

FATHEREgads!

AMBEREgads? Really? What are you, a Dickens character?

FATHER *This cant be true. I wouldnt do *that and just forget about it! *Youve got the wrong guy. *

AMBER *(pointing) *

Theres the sperm bank, in the *background! *

In the background of the snapshot are the words SPERM and *BANK. Father finally realizes. *

FATHER *The college years were...dark times in my life. Far before I joined the priesthood. Who was your mother?

AMBERMothers. We had two. They died in a hot air balloon accident on their second honeymoon a few months ago.

Tylor punches a pillow.

TYLORI hate balloons!

A moment of grief.

FATHERIm really sorry that happened. Heavens. You have no other family? *

Blue (11/14/2013) 11.

FATHER (CONT'D)

AMBEROrphaned lab babies from a pair of deceased lesbians? No one wants that Lifetime movie.

Father shuts the front door and gathers himself, plopping down in a chair.

FATHERYowza.

AMBERChin up, churchie. My moms always said, you learn something new everyday. And you just learned youre a dad.

Father gulps.

AMBER (CONTD)(holding up bags)

Now wheres my room?

SCOUT(holding up tools)

Wheres my lab?

TYLOR(holding up weights)

Wheres my gym?

Father clings to his unpacked rosary and glass of scotch.

END OF ACT ONE

Blue (11/14/2013) 12.

ACT TWO *

INT. LIVING ROOM *

DING DONG in the form of a digital Catholic hymn. *

Father jumps awake and kicks his coffee table hard with a shin.

FATHERAh! What happened?

AMBERYou fainted.

FATHERFor how long?

AMBERLike two hours.

Father adjusts himself and notices a large wet spot on his shirt.

FATHERWas I...drooling?

SCOUTFor a little while. Some of it is Tylor spit, though.

TYLOR(shouting)

I hit you from all the way over here!

Father grimaces.

TYLOR (CONTD)You want me to do it again?

FATHERNo!

DING DONG again. Father runs to the door and swings it open *to reveal RABBI YANKOVIC, a snide, nosy neighbor. *

FATHER (CONTD) *Rabbi Yankovic. *

RABBI YANKOVIC *Father. *

Blue (11/14/2013) 13.

FATHER *What brings you by? *

RABBI YANKOVIC *I heard some commotion from next *door. Thought you were going on a *trip? *

FATHER *I, uh, plans changed. Thanks for *checking in. *

TYLOR (O.S.) *(hammering noise then) *

Ow! *

Rabbi darts his head around Father and spots the kids. Tylor *has just hung up a poster of Kanye West on a back wall. *

TYLOR (CONTD) *Got my thumb on the last nail. Its *worth it for Yeezus, though. *

Rabbi looks perplexed. *

RABBI YANKOVIC *Father, who are these children *postering your walls with rappers? *

Father searches for an answer. Scout approaches. *

SCOUT *Were his long lost relatives. Just *visiting, for a while. *

Rabbi eyes Father. Father nods. Scout points at Rabbis *yamaka. *

SCOUT (CONTD) *Im intrigued by your hat. Can I *run some tests on it? *

RABBI YANKOVIC *No. *

FATHER *Sorry, Rabbi. Well keep it down. *

RABBI YANKOVIC *(sternly) *

I dont know what this schtick is, *but Im gonna keep my eye on it. *

Father nods and politely shuts the door. *

Blue (11/14/2013) 14.

Hes still taking it all in. Puzzled, wondering, overwhelmed. *

FATHER *Hes a bit of a snoop. *

(then) *I dont know exactly how this is *going to work. I dont think I can *exactly adopt you and keep my job. *

AMBER *Listen, pops, you dont have to go *around pushing us in strollers. *Were grown. We just really need a *place to live and keep growing. *

FATHER *But how will I explain three *youngsters sharing my house? *

AMBER *Like Scout said, well be your long *lost relatives from...Canada living *here so we can...attend better *schools. *

FATHER *Are the schools in the US better *than Canada? *

SCOUT *Absolutely not. *

AMBER *Whatever! Well Oceans Eleven this *plan later. Im just saying, people *dont have to know youre our real *dad. *

FATHER *What will you call me in public? *

AMBER *Father. *

FATHER *But thats--oh. *

He nods in agreement to the scam. *

FATHER (CONTD) *Nice. So Im like a Father Fath-- *

Blue (11/14/2013) 15.

TYLOR *Youre already ruining it. *

FATHER *(to all)

Where are your bags?

AMBERWe unpacked during your night *terrors. And we grabbed bedrooms.

(to Tylors space)Tylor doesnt like walls or doors.

Tylor has unpacked in a small area behind the couch. *

TYLORCant confine me, bro!

AMBERScouts set up in the garage.

SCOUTI saw a work bench out there. Do you work much?

FATHERI whittle from time to time. And I have been known to make my own soap.

He smirks, proudly. The kids stare blankly.

AMBERHow...Amish of you.

FATHERSorry. I enjoy the simpler things.

TYLORNo crap. Youve got like no stuff. *

FATHERPossessions arent everything, Tyler.

TYLORIts Tylor.

FATHERYoure named like a super villain. *

TYLORI am pretty badass.

Blue (11/14/2013) 16.

FATHERLanguage!

TYLOREnglish. Oh, and I know all the Spanish stuff Dora says.

Father tries to calculate their word battle. *

AMBERI took the spare room. Great military cot in there.

FATHERSorry, I dont have much company. *

AMBER(tapping his shoulder)

Thatll do pig. Thatll do.

SCOUTHey...Dad? Your phone was blowing up while you were sleeping.

FATHEROh my. The guys! The trip! Darn, theyve probably left without me.

DING DONG a third time. Tylor runs over and opens the door to *reveal PHIL and TED, two guys around Fathers age. Ted is all glasses and scruff and Phil toughly balds into a ponytail. *

TED(confused by the boy)

Uh, do we have the right house?

PHILDid MacDonald move? That putz.

TYLORWhat are you guys, a couple of sex offenders new to the neighborhood?

The guys are shocked and appalled.

PHILNo!

TED(scratching beard)

I need to shave...

Blue (11/14/2013) 17.

TYLORYo Pops! You know these clowns or you want me to curb stomp em?

FATHERNo! No stomping of any kind!

Father jumps up and joins them at the door.

FATHER (CONTD)Hello fellas.

PHILDid that maniac just call you...Pops?

FATHERIts a long story.

AMBER(yelling)

Its really like one to two minutes, tops!

FATHER(leaning in)

Do you remember when we donated sperm in college?

They nod excitedly, like it was the best decision they ever made. Until, they realize the connection to the kids.

PHILOh man. They came and found you, huh? I watched a special on that! *Some kids turn into bounty hunters. *

FATHERYeah. Hey! Would you guys want to move in with me and maybe be like their uncles but not really uncles? Help me raise em? Whatya say?

The pals share looks of disgust and snicker.

TEDLike Full House?

Father nods excitedly.

PHILNah. People dont really do that.

Blue (11/14/2013) 18.

FATHERRats. Well, Im going to have to postpone the football weekend to get my...family in order.

PHILDamn. Should we still go, Teddy?

TEDHell no! Lets go change our cell numbers and get a PO Box. I dont want anyone hunting down these balls.

FATHERVery Christian of you.

TEDHey, youre the priest. Im just a dog in mans clothing. *

PHILPray for us.

They go to leave, but then rush back.

PHIL (CONTD)Can we borrow your car?

FATHERCome on!

PHILYoure not using it! And its better on mileage.

TEDAnd it doesnt smell like cigars and Robitussin.

PHILHey! We all have our habits.

Father hands over his keys, shuts the door, and turns back to the kids.

FATHERWell. I guess that means my weekend is set with you kids.

Father checks his watch. *

Blue (11/14/2013) 19.

FATHER (CONTD)Weve got a long fall afternoon *here. We should probably do something productive. Still got time to whip up something for the bake sale tomorrow. How would you three like to help me make macaroons?

AMBERSounds like a blast. But Im taking a long nap on my cot and getting ready for my date.

FATHERDate? Youre dating?

AMBERYeah but dont worry, Im on the pill.

Father goes white.

AMBER (CONTD)Im kidding.

FATHERI dont know if that makes me feel better.

She heads to her new room. Father turns to find Scout standing on the couch staring him directly in the face.

SCOUTIm great with ingredients.

The kitchen door opens, revealing Tylor covered in batter and holding a mixer.

TYLORI got started on some stuff earlier. Lets finish it, priest.

The three of them head into the kitchen. The living rooms empty and quiet.

INT. AGED CAR

A car pulls up to the front of Fathers house. Its barely running. Inside are Graham, the thief from confession, and BUDDS, a wily accomplis trying to play leader.

Blue (11/14/2013) 20.

BUDDSThis the place?

GRAHAMYeah.

BUDDSAnd this priest, hes definitely out of town?

GRAHAMHe said he would be. And his cars gone.

BUDDSPerfect. Now we wait for nightfall.

He kills the engine and turns on the radio. A ridiculous rap song blasts from the speakers, repeating words like ASS and TITTIES over and over again.

GRAHAMWhat is this?

BUDDSMy demo. Here comes the hook.

He turns it up as it goes into worse lyrics and beats. Budds dances in his seat to his own music.

Graham sighs.

END OF ACT TWO

21.

ACT THREE

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Amber, dressed goth-casual with a face full of makeup, stares anxiously out the front window. She checks her cell phone while peering.

Father chuckles quietly at the TV. The two other kids pollute the couch space around him, sleeping.

FATHEROh, Mr. Bean. Your cars missing a *wheel, sir!

Father gathers himself off the couch, carefully blanketing the two sleeping boys. He heads over to Amber and the window.

FATHER (CONTD)Still no luck, eh?

Amber shrugs. She checks her phone again.

FATHER (CONTD)Ya know, Ive been stood up a million times before. Before I was a priest.

AMBERA million times, huh?

FATHERPossibly a billion. You tend to lose count and start focusing more on not leaving the house and just *eating ice cream instead. *

(waits, then)Ive got ice cream!

He playfully slugs her arm, a guess at parenting.

AMBERHe just said he had something to do and then hed pick me up.

Her phone rings, playing heavy organ music.

AMBER (CONTD)Thats him!

She runs out of the room.

Blue (11/14/2013) 22.

FATHERIll have the spoons and bowls ready!

Father turns back to the couch and finds Tylor eating a mound of ice cream.

FATHER (CONTD)How do you do that?

TYLORI aint no bitch, thats how. Oh, and Scout designed me a pair of sneak shoes. Theyre great for sneakin!

FATHERWe are going to have to do something about your mouth, Ty.

TYLORA challenge to a vow of silence? Youre on, old man.

Father cant win.

TYLOR (CONTD)Youre out of ice cream, by the way.

He tosses an empty carton.

TYLOR (CONTD)Thats the last thing Im sayin.

FATHERTheres more in the fridge out back. Come on, Scout. Well go get you a bowl.

SCOUTAffirmative!

EXT. BACKYARD

Father and Scout head into the garage, but not before Scout punches in a number on a keypad near the knob.

FATHERDid you install a...keypad?

23.

SCOUTOf course. The password is your Soc.

FATHERHow do you know my--

SCOUTShhhhhh.

They enter the garage.

INT. RABBIS HOUSE, WINDOW *

Rabbi Yankovic stares through a pair of binoculars and lowers *them, sneering. *

RABBI YANKOVIC *What are you up to, strange *neighbor? What are you hiding with *this...family? An alien? A robot? A *talking rabbit in the basement, *perhaps? *

RABBIS WIFE (O.S.) *Leave em alone! *

RABBI YANKOVIC *Quiet Bernice! *

RABBIS WIFE (O.S.) *You need a hobby. Come do a Soduku *with me! *

RABBI YANKOVIC *Im going to investigate. *

He leaves the window. *

EXT. SIDE OF FATHERS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS *

The robbers, Graham and Budds, tiptoe around the side of the house to a bedroom window. Graham steps on a twig, snapping it.

BUDDSQuiet you!

GRAHAMI wish they made some kind of sneakshoes. Wouldnt that be great?

Blue (11/14/2013) 24.

BUDDS(peeking in)

This looks like our entry point. Dark bedroom.

Graham looks ill.

GRAHAMBudds, I dont think I can do this. I just confessed to stealing to *this guy today! *

BUDDSWHAT?! No. Youre here. Im here. Were doing this. No backing out. This was your idea! Hoist me up.

Graham gives in and gives Budds a boost.

INT. LIVING ROOM

Amber enters the living room in a huff.

AMBERWell, its official. Hes not coming. Ive been stood up. *

Tylors face is contorted in a snarl.

AMBER (CONTD)What the hell are you doing with your face?

Tylor writes down and holds up a piece of paper reading:

TRYING TO SNEEZE.

AMBER (CONTD)Good luck. Im going to go cry for a while in the bathroom. If all else fails, try doing a line of pepper.

Tylor nods like hell think about it. He finally shakes off the sneeze. Hes all alone again until a THUD is heard from down the hall.

His head turns like a sentry gun.

Panda sits next to him.

Blue (11/14/2013) 25.

PANDA(captioned)

Sounds like intruders.

TYLOR(captioned)

Oh, its on.

He ties a bandana around his head ala Rambo and also drapes *one on Pandas head before running off towards the noise. *

INT. GARAGE

Father gawks in awe at the organization and cleanliness of the garage. All of his things have been completely arranged.

FATHERWow! You did all of this when I fainted?

SCOUTYep. These suspenders Im wearing keep my pants up while also channeling blood flow instead of constraining it. They keep me busy.

FATHERYoure quite the little inventor, arent you?

Scout nods. *

SCOUT *Also! Did you know that you can *spell BOOBIES with a calculator? *

He pulls a small calculator out of his breast pocket and *flashes it to Father. *

FATHER *Astounding. *

SCOUTOh yeah, I made you something, too. *

Scout hands Father a rolled up gift. Father unfastens it and stretches it out.

SCOUT (CONTD)Its a Bible Belt. Recycled from *leather bible covers.

(then)

Blue (11/14/2013) 26.

(MORE)

Weve stayed at a lot of motels lately.

Father admires it, then kneels down.

FATHERI love it.

He tousles Scouts hair.

FATHER (CONTD)And thanks for turning this garage into a real workspace!

SCOUTNo prob. Ill finish security on the rest of the house tomorrow.

FATHERYou dont have to get too crazy. Its a really safe neighborhood.

INT. FATHERS BEDROOM

Graham and Budds struggle to their feet amongst Fathers bedroom items, knocking things over and being as ungraceful as possible.

BUDDSAlright, were in. Now wheres all the big-tag items?

GRAHAMI honestly have no idea.

BUDDSWell priests are rich, right? They make a couple hundred grand a year, right?

GRAHAMThat seems a little high.

BUDDSHes gotta have a vault! A hidden vault. Start banging.

Budds paces around the room hitting the walls, swiftly.

GRAHAMI doubt he has a vault!

27.

SCOUT (CONTD)

BUDDSWhats a vault sound like when you find it? Tinny?

He continues to hit.

INT. HALLWAY

Tylor listens to the mayhem inside the bedroom and carefully places a dozen Hot Wheels cars on the floor in front of the door. He pushes the door open slightly and backs away.

INT. FATHERS BEDROOM

The two burglars jump at the door opening on its own.

GRAHAMWhoa!

BUDDSAh. See? Its a sign. I must have hit the right panel or something. Lets go find this rich priests gold!

INT. HALLWAY

The dunces step out into the hallway and around all the toy cars. They dont slip or anything, they just kind of step around them.

BUDDSBoy thats a lot of toy cars.

GRAHAMSeems like a trap or something.

They stand a few more seconds before theyre THWACKED in the shins by a metal baseball bat. Tylor takes two more swings and theyre OUT COLD.

INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER *

Father and Scout enter the living room, chatting about droids.

FATHERR2 is your pick, eh? But 3P0 is *the friendlier of the two.

Blue (11/14/2013) 28.

SCOUTTrue, but hes not much of a co-pilot.

The two stop. Its dark, quiet, and eerie.

FATHERWhere are the other two? And what happened to the lights?

Father stumbles over by the couch.

FATHER (CONTD)Scout, can you hit that switch?

The lights come on to reveal two MASKED BODIES tied tightly together on the couch. Theyre unconscious. Father shrieks.

FATHER (CONTD)My stars! What is this?

Tylor saunters into the room and crosses his arms.

SCOUTOh no. Tylor. What did you do?

Tylor shrugs like its no big deal.

FATHERWhat did he do?

SCOUTHe used to do this all the time to baby sitters. Knocks em out. Ties *em up. Puts masks on em so he can play Scooby Doo and tear em off. But these guys dont look like baby *sitters.

Still masked, the figures start to come alive. Father takes a gulp and quickly removes their masks. He recognizes Graham.

FATHERGraham? What are you doing here tied up on my couch?

GRAHAM(bloody, beaten)

Father, Im so sorry. I made a huge *mistake. I got talked into it. Please let me confess again. Let me *confess!

He starts crying. Budds shakes his head awake in disgust.

Blue (11/14/2013) 29.

BUDDSAnd we wouldve gotten away with it, too, if it wasnt for that meddling kid!

Tylor does a how ya like me now dance.

GRAHAMPlease dont call the cops, Father. I promise, with all my heart, to never try to rob anybody again. Ever.

Father still looks confused but is putting it together.

FATHERNo authorities needed. Just clean yourself up and go home, alright?

Father unties the guys. Budds beelines for the door but gets one last trip from Tylor. He crawls out and away, in pain.

Suddenly, Amber enters, wiping her runny-makeupd eyes. She halts upon seeing Graham.

AMBEROh my god. Graham?

Graham swings his hair out of his face to see Amber.

GRAHAMBabe?

FATHERWah?

AMBERWhat happened to you?

GRAHAMFaith happened to me.

Graham holds up a peace sign to Father.

GRAHAM (CONTD)(grabbing Ambers waist)

Sorry I missed our date.

AMBERIm just glad youre alright.

They start making out, hardcore. It goes on for a bit before Father separates them and escorts Graham to the door.

30.

FATHERAlright, son, lets call it a *night. *

Graham follow suits, but stops and sees the filer folder from *the sperm bank. *

GRAHAM *Whoa! Wait a minute--youre big *Macky D? *

FATHER *How do you know about that? *

GRAHAM *I hadda climb through three sets of *vents to get that file! *

Father turns to Amber, realizing the theft. *

AMBER *Hes a really good thief. *

Graham looks up from the file. *

GRAHAM *For a Big Mackey D, I thought youd *be bigger. *

Father shoves him out and slams the door. *

FATHERSleep! Lets all go to sleep.

AMBERBut hes--

FATHERIf youre going to live here, youve got to respect me.

Amber pauses. Thinks. Nods. And heads off to bed.

Scout heads out to the garage.

Tylor hops into his makeshift bed and climbs under the covers. Father sits bedside.

FATHER (CONTD)Thanks for protecting my house. Ty-LOR.

Tylor smiles.

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FATHER (CONTD)You win the vow of silence contest you were having with yourself.

Tylor smiles bigger.

TYLORHell yeah I did!

FATHERGoodnight, kid.

Father turns off the light and heads towards the kitchen.

TYLOR (O.S.)Oh, I almost forgot! *

Tylor runs, turns the light back on, opens a closet, and *wheels out a THIRD MAN tied up and masked. *

FATHER *Another one? *

Tylor rips off the mask to reveal--RABBI YANKOVIC. *

FATHER (CONTD) *Good god. *

TYLOR *Caught him creepin around the *front porch. Bagged him just to be *safe. *

Fathers mind races. Then-- *

FATHER *Help me put him in his driveway *with this bottle of scotch. *

Tylor looks surprised at Fathers plan. *

FATHER (CONTD) *Its happened to him before. *

EXT. FRONT PORCH - THE NEXT DAY *

Amber, Tylor, and Scout sit on the porch. *

AMBERYou guys ready for your first bake sale?

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They raise a pair of fists like soldiers. Father exits the *house. *

FATHERAlright. Here we go.

(turning to them)Before we go, I want to confess that when you first arrived on my doorstep twenty-four hours ago, I didnt think Id be able to handle *you at all. But after getting to know you and seeing pieces of me in all of you, I just want you to know that I feel confident in being your guardian and doing Gods work to raise you.

They smile back at him. Its all worked out.

FATHER (CONTD)Now, do any of you have any confessions youd like to get off your chest?

Theres a long pause. Then--

TYLORI think Im gay.

AMBERI want to start a cult.

SCOUT(sniffing) *

The garage may be on fire.

FATHER(in shock)

Sweet Jesus. *

END OF SHOW

Blue (11/14/2013) 33.