Fam Proc Cultura Segura-rober

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Fam Proc 37:201-213, 1998

Refections on Ways to Create a Sae Therapeutic Culture or Children

in Family Therapy

PETER ROBER, M.A. Psych

Altho!h a lar!" #m$"r o% &$l'cat'o#s '# th" %am'ly th"ra&y ("l) str"ss th"

'm&orta#c" o% ch'l)r"# '# %am'ly th"ra&y, som" athors r"&ort that, '# &ract'c",

ma#y %am'ly th"ra&'sts )o #ot act'*"ly '#*ol*" ch'l)r"# '# th"'r th"ra&'"s. +# th's

art'cl", + r""ct o# th" "&"r'"#t'al r"aso#s %or th's "cls'o# o% ch'l)r"#. + 'll

co#s')"r th" 'm&orta#c" o% th" s" o% th" s"l% o% th" th"ra&'st a#) o% th"

cr"at'o# o% a sa%" th"ra&"t'c cltr" %or th" ch'l). Pract'cal s!!"st'o#s ar"

ma)" o% ays to '#*ol*" ch'l)r"# '# %am'ly th"ra&y. F'#ally, th"s" ')"as ar"

'llstrat") '# a cas" "am&l" o% a %am'ly th"ra&y 'th a# a)o&t'*" %am'ly.

Ma#y &$l'cat'o#s '# th" %am'ly th"ra&y l't"ratr" "m&has'/" th" 'm&orta#c" o%

ch'l)r"# %or th" th"ra&"t'c &roc"ss amo#! oth"rs: Ac"rma#, 1970 A#)ol(,1979 A#)ol(, A#!"lo, 4" 5'ch'lo, 1989 Ar'"l, 1992 By#!-6all, 1980, 199

om$r'#c-raham, 198, 1989 Fr""ma#, E&sto#, ;o$o*'ts, 1997 'l, 199<

;ar#"r, 199 M'#ch'#, 197< M'#ch'# F'shma#, 1981 =m'th 5yl#),

1997 T'lma#s-Osty#, 1981 T'lma#s-Osty# >a# alo"#, 198< ?acht"l, 199<

@'l$ach, 198. 5ot'thsta#)'#! all th"s" &$l'cat'o#s, som" athors #ot" that,

'# &ract'c", ch'l)r"# o%t"# ar" "cl)") %rom &art'c'&at'o# '# %am'ly th"ra&y

arr, 199< has'# ?h't", 1989 @'l$ach, 198. Frth"rmor", or#"r a#)

Bro# 1990 )'sco*"r") that, '# th" C.=., <0D o% %am'ly th"ra&'sts #"*"r

'#cl)" ch'l)r"# '# th"'r th"ra&'"s, a#) that 31D o% %am'ly th"ra&'sts '#*'t")

ch'l)r"# to th" s"ss'o# 'thot r"ally '#cl)'#! th"m '# th" th"ra&y. +t s""msthat a lot o% %am'ly th"ra&'sts or ma'#ly 'th co&l"s or '#)'*')als.

=om" athors %or "am&l", A#)ol(, 1979 has'# ?h't", 1989 ?acht"l,

199< @'l$ach, 198 stat" that th"ra&'sts may ha*" "&"r'"#t'al r"aso#s %or

"cl)'#! ch'l)r"# %rom %am'ly th"ra&y. Altho!h th"r" ar" #o#*"r$al, act'o#-

or'"#t") t"ch#'"s at th"'r )'s&osal, som" %am'ly th"ra&'sts ar" #ot at "as"

'th th"s" t"ch#'"s. Too o%t"#, %am'ly th"ra&'sts &lay 't sa%" $y choos'#!

*"r$al mo)"so% comm#'cat'o#. Th"y )o#t r's s'#! l"ss &r")'cta$l" or l"ss

"as'ly co#trolla$l" m"tho)s o% '#t"ract'o#, "s&"c'ally 'th ch'l)r"#, ho ar"

"*"# l"ss &r")'cta$l" or co#trolla$l" tha# a)lts. Oth"r "&"r'"#t'al stm$l'#!

$locs to or'#! 'th ch'l)r"# ar" th" &"rso#al r"s&o#s"s o% th"ra&'sts )" toth"'r o# "&"r'"#c"s '# ch'l)hoo). As @'l$ach 198 stat"s: GTh" %am'ly

th"ra&'sts )"c's'o# to s"" th" &ar"#ts a#) #ot ch'l)r"# ca# $" a )"l'$"rat" act

o% om'ss'o# 'th a &art'clar, th"ra&"t'c !oal, ... $t sally "cls'o# occrs

$y )"%alt, '#att"#t'o# or oth"r #r"co!#'/") att't)"s o# th" &art o% th"

th"ra&'stG &. 20. C#r"co!#'/") att't)"s ca# l"a) to o*"r&rot"ct'o# o% th"



ch'l), )"#'al, a*o')a#c", a#) so o#. Th"y ca# also l"a) to th" "cls'o# o% th"

ch'l) %rom act'*" &art'c'&at'o# '# %am'ly th"ra&y.

Th"s" ar" Hst som" o% th" "&"r'"#t'al r"aso#s %am'ly th"ra&'sts ha*" %or #ot

'#cl)'#! ch'l)r"# '# %am'ly th"ra&y. C#)o$t")ly, "&"r'"#t'al tra'#'#! a#)

s&"r*'s'o# ar" "ss"#t'al %or %am'ly th"ra&'sts ho a#t to '#cl)" ch'l)r"# '#

th"ra&y. Thoro!h r""ct'o# o# o#"s o# a#'"t'"s, h"s'tat'o#s, a#)

*l#"ra$'l'ty 's o% cors" 'm&orta#t %or all %am'ly th"ra&'sts, $t 't 's "s&"c'ally

'm&orta#t %or th" th"ra&'st ho )o"s#t %""l at "as" '# or'#! 'th ch'l)r"# '#

%am'ly th"ra&y. Frth"rmor", 't 's #"c"ssary to r""ct o# th" s&"c'(c'ty o%

or'#! 'th ch'l)r"# '# %am'ly th"ra&y amo#! oth"rs, s"" T'lma#s-Osty#

>a# alo"#, 198< ?acht"l, 199< @'l$ach, 198, a#) that 's "actly th"

c"#tral a'm o% th's art'cl". + 'll "am'#" th" )'Iclty o% mo$'l'/'#! th" act'*"

&art'c'&at'o# o% ch'l)r"# '# %am'ly th"ra&y )"*"lo& som" ')"as a$ot ho th"

th"ra&'st ca# co#tr'$t" to a mor" act'*" '#*ol*"m"#t o% ch'l)r"# '# %am'ly

th"ra&y a#) co#s')"r th" 'm&orta#c" o% th" s" o% th" s"l% o% th" th"ra&'st.

Thro!hot th" art'cl", + 'll str"ss th" #"c"ss'ty o% cr"at'#! a sa%" th"ra&"t'ccltr" %or th" ch'l).

The Culture O Therapy

?h"# a %am'ly com"s %or th"ra&y, th"y t"ll a story1 ?h't" E&sto#, 1990,

a#) a story 's a s"l"ct'o# o% th'#!s tol), a#) oth"r th'#!s l"%t #tol). E*"ry story

h'!hl'!hts som" th'#!s a#) l"a*"s oth"r th'#!s '# o$scr'ty. Th's s"l"ct'*'ty

)"&"#)s o# th" cltr" o% th" th"ra&y.2

As ParJ 199 &ro&os"), th"ra&y ca# $" s""# as a m""t'#! o% cltr"s.3 ?h"#

th" th"ra&'st a#) th" %am'ly com" to!"th"r, th"y $r'#! th"'r cltr" 'th th"m:th"'r r"l'!'o#, th"'r ")cat'o#, th"'r !"#)"r, th"'r stor'"s, th"'r ha$'ts, a#) so

o#. +# th" th"ra&"t'c m""t'#!, a #" cltr" 's %orm") ot o% th" $l"#)'#! o%

th" to )'K"r"#t cltr"s. Th's cltr" o% th"ra&y 's also '#"#c") $y th"

r"%"rral co#t"t, th" cl'"#ts &r"*'os "&"r'"#c"s 'th th"ra&y, th" cl'"#ts

"&"r'"#c" o% th" (rst &ho#" call, hat has $""# sa') '# th" co#*"rsat'o# &

#t'l that mom"#t, hatth" th"ra&'st co#s')"rs as h's or h"r rol", a#) so %orth.

For "am&l": A moth"r com"s %or a (rst co#sltat'o# 'th h"r 9-y"ar-ol) ch'l)

ho has s"r'os $"ha*'or &ro$l"ms. Th" th"ra&'st ass th" moth"r ma#y

"st'o#s a$ot th" ch'l) a#) a$ot th" ch'l)s )"*"lo&m"#t h" s""ms to $"

co#c"r#") o#ly a$ot a# accrat" )'a!#os's o% th" ch'l).

Th" cltr" o% th's th"ra&"t'c co#*"rsat'o# 's so stro#!ly '#"#c") $y th"

th"ra&'sts r!" to )'a!#os", that th" moth"r ca##ot s&"a a$ot h"r o# %"ars

a#) !'lty %""l'#!s. =tor'"s a$ot th" %""l'#!s o% moth"r ca##ot $" tol) 'th'#

th's cltr". Th" %""l'#!s o% moth"r r"ma'# &art o% hat A#)"rso# a#)

ool'sh'a# 1988 call"), th" G#ot-y"t-sa')G &. 381.



A#oth"r "am&l": A %am'ly 'th a 10-y"ar-ol) $oy call") Bart as r"%"rr") $y

th"'r .P. A lar!" sm o% mo#"y ha) $""# stol"# %rom th" moth"rs &rs", a#)

th" &ar"#ts ss&"ct") Bart ha) ta"# 't. +# th" s"ss'o#, th" $oy as *"ry

"*as'*" a#) s'l"#t. 6" loo") t"#s" a#) ss&'c'os. ?h"# th" th"ra&'st as")

hy th" )octor ha) s"#) th"m %or th"ra&y, %ath"r sa'): GTh" )octor tol) s "

ha) to !o to yo $"cas" yo, as a %am'ly th"ra&'st, ol) #o tr'cs to ma"Bart co#%"ss.G

+# th's cltr" o% th"ra&y, o#ly stor'"s a$ot $lam", )"#'al, a#) ss&'c'o# ca#

$" tol). +t as o#ly a%t"r th" th"ra&'st ma)" cl"ar that h" )')#t ha*" a#y

s&"c'al tr'cs, a#) th" o#ly th'#! h" )') as tal 'th %am'l'"s, to s"" ays to

h"l& th"m, that th" $oy r"la") a#) tal") mor" %r""ly.

Th" cltr" o% th"ra&y shol) ma" a s&ac" %or th" G#ot-y"t-sa'),G '# oth"r

or)s, %or th" stor'"s that ha*"#t y"t $""# tol) A#)"rso# ool'sh'a#, 1988.

Th's cltr" shol) o&"# s&ac" %or as ma#y stor'"s as &oss'$l", "*"# '% th"y

co#tra)'ct "ach oth"r "r!"# ay", 1992. +% " as %am'ly th"ra&'sts a#t toma" sch a s&ac", " mst cr"at" a sa%" co#t"t %or th"ra&y A#)"rso#

ool'sh'a#, 1988 "r!"# ay", 1992 or, as + call 't '# th's art'cl", a sa%"

th"ra&"t'c cltr". +t shol) $" a cltr" h"r" th"r" 's r"s&"ct a#) "m&ath'c

r"co!#'t'o# %or th" stor'"s cl'"#ts t"ll. +% a cl'"#t )o"s #ot %""l r"assr") that h's

or h"r story 'll $" m"t 'th r"s&"ct a#) "m&athy $y th" th"ra&'st, 't 's *"ry

#l'"ly th" cl'"#t 'll t"ll that &art'clar story. Poss'$ly, h" or sh" 'll om't

'm&orta#t &arts o% th" story, or s"l"ct a#oth"r story alto!"th"rLa story that, '#

th" !'*"# co#t"t, 's #ot as *l#"ra$l" as th" oth"r o#".

A Therapeutic Culture or Children

=om"t'm"s 't 's sa') that ch'l)r"# ar" s&o#ta#"os a#) o&"#, a#) that th"y l'"

#oth'#! mor" tha# r"*"al'#! hat th"y th'#, hat th"y %""l, a#) hat th"y

a#t. +# my o&'#'o#, thats ro#!. 5o$o)y ca# $" as s'l"#t as a ch'l),

r"!ar)l"ss o% ho mch #o's" h" or sh" ma"s. h'l)r"# ca# $" *"ry co*"rt,

a#) ch'l)r"# ha*" cas" to $" co*"rt $"cas" th" orl) 's a com&l" &lac" to

l'*" '# a#) yo #"*"r #o ho !ro#&s 'll r"act to th'#!s yo say or )o. =o,

't 's $"tt"r %or th" ch'l) to $" cat'os a#) #ot to r"*"al hat h" or sh" %""ls or

r"ally th'#s 's 'm&orta#t.

6o ca# " as %am'ly th"ra&'sts cr"at" a cltr" h"r" 't 's sa%" %or ch'l)r"# to

say th'#!s that ha*"#t $""# sa') y"t or to sho th'#!s that ha*"#t $""#sho# 6o ca# " cr"at" a cltr" h"r" a ch'l) 's "lcom" as a ch'l) a#)

#ot as a small-s'/") a)lt, h"r" ch'l)r"# ca# %""l that th"y 'll #ot $"

&#'sh"), r')'cl"), or $lam") %or th'#!s th"y say or )o a cltr" h"r" th"r"

's s&ac" %or $oth th" ch'l)s ca&ac't'"s a#) )"(c'"#c'"s +% a %am'ly th"ra&'st

)o"s#t scc"") '# cr"at'#! a sa%" cltr" %or th" ch'l) '# th"ra&y, h" or sh" 'll



$" co#%ro#t") 'th a ch'l), s'l"#tor #o'sy, ho )o"s#t r"ally &art'c'&at" '#

%am'ly th"ra&y.

;"ts start 'th a# "am&l":

A %am'ly 'th thr"" ch'l)r"# "#t"rs th" %am'ly th"ra&'sts room %or th" (rst t'm".

E*"ryo#" ta"s a s"at, "c"&t th" -y"ar-ol) !'rl. =h" ta"s a )oll %rom #)"rth" l'ttl" ta$l" a#) !'*"s 't to th" th"ra&'st. +# a %r'"#)ly ma##"r, th" th"ra&'st

ass th" ch'l): G?hy )o yo !'*" m" th's )ollG Th" ch'l) )o"s#t a#s"r, a#)

!o"s $ac to h"r moth"r. For th" r"st o% th" s"ss'o# sh" says #oth'#! a#) sh"

)o"s#t l"a*" h"r moth"rs s')".

+t 's o$*'os that th" th"ra&'st '# th's "am&l" ma)" a maHor m'sta". 6's

GhyG "st'o# cl"arly )o"s#t h"l& to cr"at" a sa%" th"ra&"t'c cltr" %or

ch'l)r"#. +#)""), th" "st'o# s""ms to 'm&ly: G+# th's th"ra&y, yo ha*" to

"&la'# "*"ryth'#! yo )o '# a rat'o#al ay. No ha*" to !'*" r"aso#s.G Th"

ch'l) too th" h'#t a#) r"tr"at"), as '% sh" a#t") to say: GTh's 's #ot a sa%"

&lac" %or ch'l)r"#. +) $"tt"r stay clos" to my moth"r.G Th" th"ra&'st col) ha*"

sa'), GOh, tha# yo *"ry mch. + 'll ta" !oo) car" o% that )oll.G =ch a

r"s&o#s" ol) h"l& to cr"at" a sa%" cltr" %or th" ch'l) $"cas" th" m"a#'#!

th" th"ra&'st "*o"s 's: G?h"# yo !'*" m" som"th'#! that 's &r"c'os, + tha#

yo, a#) + &rom's" to ta" !oo) car" o% 't.G

Use o Sel and Negotiation o Meaning

Th" cr"at'o# o% a th"ra&"t'c cltr" ca# $" )"scr'$") as a &roc"ss o%

#"!ot'at'o# o% m"a#'#! '# th"ra&y "r!"# ay", 1992. Th" th"ra&'st !'*"s a

c"rta'# m"a#'#! to som"th'#! that ha&&"#s '# th"ra&y %or '#sta#c", th" ch'l)

!'*"s th" )oll a#) th" cl'"#t th" ch'l) acc"&ts th's m"a#'#! or #ot. +% "

)"scr'$" th's &roc"ss %rom th" &"rs&"ct'*" o% th" th"ra&'st, " ca# )'st'#!'sh

thr"" sta!"s '# th" '#t"r#al co#*"rsat'o# o% th" th"ra&'st:

1. Th" (rst sta!", th" sta!" o% th" '#s&'rat'o#, 's ma'#ly '#t't'*". Th" th"ra&'st

s"s h's s"l%< A#)ol( A#!"lo, 1988 F'#" Tr#"r, 1991 6a$"r, 1990, 199<

R"al, 1990 to s"" a co#strct'*" ay to cr"at" a sa%" cltr". Th" s" o% th"

s"l% m"a#s that th" th"ra&'st "#!a!"s '# a# '#t"r#al co#*"rsat'o# a$ot th"

&ot"#t'al m"a#'#!s at &lay '# th" th"ra&y. 6" has to !'*" a# '#)'cat'o# to th"

ch'l) that th" s'tat'o# has som" s'!#'(ca#t m"a#'#! to h'm or h"r, '# sch a

ay that th" cltr" o% th" th"ra&y $"com"s sa%"r a#) o&"#"r to a !r"at"r*ar'"ty o% stor'"s. +# that &roc"ss o% r""ct'o# h" s"s h's o$s"r*at'o#s, h's

'#t't'o#, h's aK"ct'*" r"s&o#s"s, a#) &"rso#al 'ma!"s. Th's sta!" ass %or a lot

o% cr"at'*'ty a#) '#s&'rat'o# %rom th" th"ra&'st.

2. +# th" s"co#) sta!", th" sta!" o% cora!", th" th"ra&'st &ro&os"s h's

r"s&o#s" to th" %am'ly, a r"s&o#s" that att"m&ts to co#tr'$t" to a sa%" cltr".

+# oth"r or)s, th" th"ra&'st tra#slat"s h's '#s&'rat'o# '#to act'o#. Th's ta"s



cora!" $"cas" th"r" 's a r's '# r"s&o#)'#! '#t't'*"ly '# a s'tat'o# h"r"

o#" ca##ot $" sr" a$ot th" m"a#'#!.

3. +# th" th'r) sta!", th" sta!" o% o$s"r*at'o#, th"ra&'st o$s"r*"s ho th"

cl'"#ts r"s&o#) to th" &ro&os") m"a#'#!. +% th"y acc"&t th" &ro&os") m"a#'#!

as o#" that cr"at"s a s"#s" o% mor" sa%"ty, th"# th" th"ra&y ca# &roc""). +%

th"y )o#t %""l mor" sa%" 'th th" &ro&os") m"a#'#!, th" th"ra&'st ca# choos"

to s"arch %or oth"r m"a#'#!s that may cr"at" a sa%"r cltr".

A#oth"r "am&l" may clar'%y th's &roc"ss o% #"!ot'at'o# o% m"a#'#!:

A moth"r a#) a -y"ar-ol) )a!ht"r cam" %or th"ra&y a%t"r 't as )'sco*"r")

that %ath"r ha) s"ally a$s") th" !'rl. 6" ha) #ot o#ly a$s") h"r h" ha)

also Gr"#t")G h"r ot to oth"r &"o&l", a#) ha) *')"ota&") th" s"al act'*'t'"s

'# or)"r to s"ll th" ta&". Th" %ath"r ha) $""# 'm&r'so#") a#) moth"r #o

a#t") th"ra&y %or h"rs"l% a#) h"r )a!ht"r.

+# th" $"!'##'#! o% th" (rst s"ss'o#, + tol) th" !'rl that + a#t") to !"t to #o

h"r a#) h"r moth"r: GF'rst, + a#t to !"t to #o yo, so + ca# $"tt"r h"l& yo.

?" 'll tal a#) ma" )ra'#!s a#) &lay !am"s.G ?h"# + m"#t'o#") &lay'#!

!am"s th" !'rl as startl"). + #ot'c") th's at o#c" a#) r"al'/") that th" or)s

G&lay'#! !am"sG col) "ll ha*" $""# s") $y th" a$s"rs to )"scr'$" th"'r

act'*'t'"s to th" !'rl. =o + co#t'#") $y say'#!: G6"r" '# th"ra&y, " o#ly &lay

!am"s that yo a#t to &lay. No )o#t ha*" to )o a#yth'#! yo )o#t l'", a#)

yo 'll #ot ha*" to )o a#yth'#! that hrts yo or that ma"s yo %""l $a).G

A%t"r + ha) sa') th"s" or)s, th" !'rl *'s'$ly r"la").

+# th's "am&l", th"r" 's a #"!ot'at'o# a$ot th" m"a#'#! o% &lay'#! !am"s.

Th" !'rl o#ly acc"&t") th" ')"a o% &lay'#! !am"s '# th"ra&y a%t"r th" th"ra&'st

co##"ct") th"s" or)s 'th th" m"a#'#! o% Gsa%"tyG a#) G$"'#! '# co#trol.G Bt

th" #"!ot'at'o# as#t (#'sh") y"t. At th" "#) o% th" s"ss'o# som"th'#!

'm&orta#t ha&&"#"):

At th" "#) o% th" s"ss'o#, th" moth"r, th" !'rl, a#) + "r" &lay'#! 'th mar$l"s.

?h"# 't as t'm" to "#) th" s"ss'o#, + sa') to coll"ct th" mar$l"s a#) &t th"m

'# th" $o. Th" !'rl too som" mar$l"s a#) &t th"m '# h"r la&. Th"# sh" sa')

&lay%lly to m": GNo ta" th"s" mar$l"s a#) &t th"m '# th" $o.G + as ta"#

a$ac $"cas" 't as cl"ar that + col) #ot coll"ct th" mar$l"s %rom th" !'rls

la& 'thot toch'#! h"r !"#'tal ar"a. Th" moth"r )')#t r"act. =h" Hst star")

at th" !'rl a#) m", a#) sa') #oth'#!. + th"# tol) th" !'rl '# a %r'"#)ly, $t (rm

ay: GNo &t th"s" mar$l"s '# th" $o yors"l%. + ca##ot ta" th" mar$l"s,

$"cas" '% + ol) ta" th"m, + ol) toch th" s&"c'al &art o% yor $o)y ...

that &art that #o$o)y shol) toch, $"cas" 'ts yors.G Th" !'rl )') hat sh"

as tol) a#) as") m" to say mor" a$ot that s&"c'al &art o% th" $o)y that



#o$o)y shol) toch. + "&la'#") that that s&"c'al s&ot shol)#t $" toch") $y

a stra#!" ma#. Th"# th" !'rl sa') that sh" ha) $""# toch") th"r" $y h"r

%ath"r a#) $y oth"r m"#. + sa') that shol)#t ha*" ha&&"#"), a#) that "

ol) tal a$ot that '# th" %ollo'#! s"ss'o#s.

+# th" $"!'##'#! o% th" #"t s"ss'o# th" !'rl as") m" '% + col) "&la'# a!a'#

Ga$ot my s&"c'al &art o% my $o)y.G That as th" $"!'##'#! o% th" th"ra&"t'c

or 'th th" moth"r a#) th" )a!ht"r aro#) th" th"m" o% $o)y a#)

$o#)ar'"s.

Th's "am&l" 'llstrat"s th" &roc"ss o% #"!ot'at'o# o% m"a#'#! '# th"ra&y.

+#)""), th" th"ra&'st, '# h's '#t"r#al co#*"rsat'o#, o#)"r") '% may$" th" !'rl

tr'") to "*alat" th" sa%"ty '# th" th"ra&y room. >"r$al r"assra#c"s o% sa%"ty

ar" rar"ly "#o!h %or a s"*"r"ly tramat'/") ch'l), th" th"ra&'st r""ct").

Th"s" ch'l)r"# mst "&"r'"#c" sa%"ty '# or)"r to %""l sa%". =o th" th"ra&'st

ha) &ro&os") a sa%" $o#)ary to th" !'rl, as '% th" !'rl ha) '#t"#)") to t"st th"

sa%"ty o% th" th"ra&"t'c co#t"t. Th" !'rl acc"&t") h's &ro&os") m"a#'#! $yt"ll'#! th" th"ra&'st that sh" ha) $""# toch") th"r" a#) $y as'#! th"

th"ra&'st '# th" %ollo'#! s"ss'o# to "&la'# a!a'# a$ot th" Gs&"c'al &art o% h"r

$o)y.G

+t 's 'm&orta#t to "m&has'/" that " st'll )o#t #o hy th" !'rl ha) &t th"

mar$l"s '# h"r la& a#) hy sh" ha) as") th" th"ra&'st to ta" th"m. For all "

#o, sh" Hst a#t") to &lay, or sh" a#t") to sho som"th'#! to h"r moth"r,

or hat"*"r. ?" Hst )o#t #o. Bt th" th"ra&'st a#) th" !'rl to!"th"r cr"at")

a m"a#'#! that co#tr'$t") to a sa%" cltr" %or th"ra&y.

TOWAR A SAF! T"!RA#!UT$C CU%TUR!

Th" cr"at'o# o% a sa%" th"ra&"t'c cltr" %or ch'l)r"# ca# $" *"ry com&l" a#)

)'Iclt. T'm" a#) t'm" a!a'# th" th"ra&'st has to r"act %ast '# s'tat'o#s that

m"r't mor" t'm" a#) r""ct'o#. O%t"# th"r" 's#t "#o!h t'm" to th'# th'#!s

o*"r a#), co#s""#tly, th" )"c's'o#s ar" mostly '#t't'*". A#oth"r r"aso# hy

th"cr"at'o# o% a sa%" th"ra&"t'c cltr" 's )'Iclt 's that th" th"ra&'st ca##ot

co#trol th" cltr". Th" cltr" 's s$H"ct to ma#y )'K"r"#t %actors that th"

th"ra&'st )o"s#t "*"# #o a$ot. +t ol) $" a# 'lls'o# to th'# that a#y

th"ra&'st col) alo#" cr"at" a sa%" th"ra&"t'c cltr". 6" or sh" ca# m"r"ly

co#tr'$t" to 't.

O*"r th" y"ars + %ormlat") a %" !"#"ral !')"l'#"s a$ot th" co#tr'$t'o# th"

th"ra&'st ca# ma" to th" cr"at'o# o% a sa%" th"ra&"t'c co#t"t %or ch'l)r"#.

Th"s" !')"l'#"s &ro*") to $" *"ry s"%l '# my &ract'c" as a %am'ly th"ra&'st.

B" Pr"&ar")



Fam'ly th"ra&'sts ho a#t to or 'th ch'l)r"# shol) &r"&ar" th"ms"l*"s %or

har) or. O# th" o#" ha#), th"y mst $" a$l" to tol"rat" #c"rta'#ty, chaos,

a#) co#%s'o#. Th"y mst $" aar" that th"y o#t $" a$l" to co#trol or

#)"rsta#) "*"ryth'#! '# th" s"ss'o#. C#"&"ct") th'#!s ar" $o#) to ha&&"#.

O# th" oth"r ha#), or'#! 'th ch'l)r"# 's har)ly "*"r $or'#! a#) 't ca#

som"t'm"s $" *"ry r"ar)'#! a#) st'mlat'#!.

+# or)"r to co#tr'$t" to a th"ra&"t'c cltr" '# h'ch ch'l)r"# %""l sa%", 't 's

'm&orta#t that th" co#sltat'o# room 's ch'l)-%r'"#)ly. +# th" &ract'cal

arra#!"m"#t o% th" co#sltat'o# room, 't mst $" cl"ar to th" ch'l) that h" or

sh" 's "lcom". 5o "&"#s'*" )"s'!#"r %r#'tr", #o $r"aa$l" *as"s, #o

*l#"ra$l" oo)"# oor, #o h'!h-t"ch *')"o a&&arats. Th"r" shol) $" toys,

crayo#s, (#!"r&a'#t, lar!" &'"c"s o% &a&"r, a#) so o#. Th's mat"r'al shol) #ot

$" )m&") '# th" cor#"r o% th" room, #or #"atly arra#!") '# a clos")

c&$oar). +t shol) l'" '# th" m'))l" o% th" room, "ll '# s'!ht, a#) 'th'# r"ach

o% "*"ryo#".

A oo) =tart

+t 's 'm&orta#t that th" ch'l) #)"rsta#)s %rom th" $"!'##'#! hat 's

ha&&"#'#!, hat 's th" &r&os" o% th"ra&y, a#) hat 's "&"ct") %rom h'm or

h"r. At th" $"!'##'#! o% th" (rst s"ss'o# th" ch'l) mst $" !'*"# a s'm&l" a#)

co#cr"t" "&la#at'o# o% hat th"ra&y 's, ho th" th"ra&'st 's, a#) hat 's

"&"ct") %rom th" ch'l). Csally 't 's $"st that th" &ar"#ts "&la'# th"s" th'#!s.

+% #"c"ssary, th" th"ra&'st ca# h"l& th"m (#) th" r'!ht ay to say 't.

At th" $"!'##'#! o% th" (rst s"ss'o#, 't 's sally $"st to !"t to #o th" ch'l)

a&art %rom th" &ro$l"m Fr""ma#, E&sto#, ;o$o*'t/, 1997. +% th" th"ra&'ststarts th" th"ra&y $y as'#! th" &ar"#ts th" class'cal "st'o# G?hat $r'#!s

yo to th"ra&yG, th" &ar"#ts o%t"# start t"ll'#! th"'r &ro$l"m-satrat") story

h"r"'# th"y )"scr'$" ho $a), or s'c, or cra/y th"'r ch'l) 's. Th's ca# cr"at" a

cltr" o% th"ra&y "r" th"r" 's o#ly room %or stor'"s o% $lam", &atholo!y, or

'#sa#'ty, a#) th"r"s a !oo) cha#c" that th" ch'l) 'll $"ha*" l'" a $a), or a

s'c, or a cra/y ch'l)Lor Hst t#" ot a#) $" 'mmo$'l" a#) s'l"#t. To a*o') th's,

't 's o%t"# $"tt"r (rst to "#!a!" th" ch'l) a#) th" &ar"#ts '# a &os't'*" story

a$ot th" ch'l). +t )o"s#t ha*" to $" mor" tha# a short !oo)-hmor")

co#*"rsat'o# a$ot a !oo) "&"r'"#c" o% th" ch'l), or a$ot som"th'#! h" or

sh" 's !oo) at, or a$ot som"th'#! h" or sh" lo*"s to )o, a#) so o#. +# th's

ay, th" ch'l) #os that th" th"ra&'st 's also '#t"r"st") '# th" &os't'*" s')"s o%

th" ch'l) a#) that th"ra&y 's a &lac" h"r" th"r" 's a# a&&r"c'at'o# %or !oo)

th'#!s. A%t"r th" th"ra&'st has )"*ot") att"#t'o# to th's &os't'*" story o% th"

ch'l), h" ca# th"# ma" room %or th" orr'"s o% th" &ar"#ts.

omm#'cat'o# a#) Play



Th" %am'ly th"ra&'st has to a)a&t to th" orl) o% th" ch'l). +# th" (rst &lac",

th's m"a#s to $" aar" o% th" ch'l)s )"*"lo&m"#tal sta!". O#" ca#t "&"ct a

ch'l) to sta#) o# h's or h"r to"s try'#! to r"ach a)lt sta#)ar)s. E*"# '% th"

ch'l)r"# tr'") th"'r *"ry $"st, th"y ol) st'll %a'l to a)a&t %lly to th" orl) o%

th" a)lts. =o 't 's $"tt"r that th" %am'ly th"ra&'st a)a&ts to th" ch'l). For

'#sta#c", '# comm#'cat'#!: th" th"ra&'st has to s" cl"ar a#) co#cr"t"la#!a!", #ot too ma#y or)s, a#) short s"#t"#c"s to $" act'*" '# th"ra&y

a#) !'*" co#cr"t" %orm to or)s $y s'#! o$H"cts, 'ma!"s, or $"ha*'or to $"

atch%l %or #o#*"r$al a#) m"ta&hor'cal comm#'cat'o# %rom th" ch'l), a#) to

'#*'t" th" ch'l) to s" th's '#) o% comm#'cat'o#. For '#sta#c", th" th"ra&'st

ca# as ch'l)r"#, as "ll as th"'r &ar"#ts, at th" "#) o% th" (rst s"ss'o#, to

$r'#! a# o$H"ct to th" #"t s"ss'o# that ca# h"l& th" th"ra&'st to #)"rsta#)

ho th"y ar". =om" ch'l)r"# $r'#! a )ra'#!, oth"rs $r'#! a toy or a

&hoto!ra&h or a# a)'o-cass"tt" 'th th"'r %a*or't" ms'c. Csally th"s"

o$H"cts o&"# s&ac" to t"ll stor'"s that ha*"#t y"t $""# tol).

For "am&l": ;'lly as 10 y"ars ol). =h" as a# o#ly ch'l) o% &ar"#ts ho "r"*"ry $sy 'th th"'r &ro%"ss'o#al car""rs. Th" &ar"#ts cam" 'th h"r to th"ra&y

$"cas" ;'lly as )"&r"ss") a#) )')#t a#t to !o to school a#ymor". E*"ry

mor#'#! th"r" as a arr"l a$ot !o'#! to school, h'ch as *"ry )'Iclt %or

moth"r $"cas" sh" ha) to hrry to !"t to or o# t'm".

?h"# + as") ;'lly to $r'#! a# o$H"ct that ol) h"l& m" #)"rsta#) h"r, sh"

$ro!ht a "y a#) a )oll #am") El'sa$"th. + as") h"r to t"ll m" a$ot th" "y,

$t sh" sa') sh" col)#t "&la'# $"cas" sh" )')#t a#t to hrt h"r &ar"#ts.

Th" &ar"#ts sa') #oth'#!, $t th"y s""m") sr&r's"). A$ot th" )oll El'sa$"th,

;'lly tol) m" that sh" lo*") th" )oll *"ry mch a#) that sh" car") %or h"r: G+

tal 'th h"r h"# sh" 's lo#"ly a#) + car"ss h"r h"# sh" 's sa).G

Th" #"t s"ss'o# ;'lly ol) s" "actly th" sam" or)s to )"scr'$" ho sh"

o%t"# %"lt at hom": G+ %""l lo#"ly a#) sa),G sh" sa') t"ar%lly. + as") h"r to t"ll

m" mor" a$ot that. Th"# sh" sho") m" th" "y sh" ha) $ro!ht th"

&r"*'os s"ss'o# a#) sh" sa') so$$'#!: G+ !"ss +m a ty&'cal latch"y '), as

th"y call th"m o# T>.G

Play 's o% cors" *"ry 'm&orta#t '# or'#! 'th ch'l)r"#. Play 's#t *'"") o#ly

as a &sycho)y#am'c &h"#om"#o# that has a )""&"r, h'))"# m"a#'#! that has

to $" '#t"r&r"t") rath"r, 't 's (rst a#) %or"most a t"rra'# o% '#t"ract'o# a#) Ga#

"K"ct'*" tool %or co##"ct'#! th" orl) o% th" a)lts, h'ch 's r'ch '# a$stract

tho!ht a#) or)s, 'th th" orl) o% th" ch'l)r"#, %ll o% #o#*"r$al "&r"ss'o#s

a#) co#cr"t" 'ma!"sG A#)ol( "t al., 1989, &. . +# oth"r or)s, &lay 's mor"

tha# a m"a#s %or #)"rsta#)'#!. +t 's th" t"rra'# h"r" ch'l) a#) a)lts m""t. +t

's '#t"ract'o# a#) co##"ct'o#, a#), o% cors", %#.



Th"ra&'sts shol) co#s')"r th" th'#!s th" ch'l) $r'#!s to th"ra&y as m"a#'#!%l,

"*"# '% th"y )o#t #)"rsta#) th" m"a#'#! o% th"m. Too o%t"# " %""l

#com%orta$l" 'th th'#!s " )o#t r"ally #)"rsta#), so " )'sm'ss th"m as

m"a#'#!l"ss or s"l"ss. Th"ra&'sts )o#t ha*" to #)"rsta#) th" m"a#'#! o% all

th" th'#!s th" ch'l) )o"s. O%t"# sch th"ra&"t'c G#)"rsta#)'#!G 's a# att"m&t

to !a'# co!#'t'*" co#trol o% th" s"ss'o#, or to (#) a solt'o# %or o#"s o##"as'#"ss a#) co#%s'o#. Th"ra&'sts som"t'm"s try to tra#slat" all a#alo!'cal

comm#'cat'o# o% th" ch'l) '#to mor" co#trolla$l", )'!'tal comm#'cat'o#,

th"r"$y %or!"tt'#! that th" co#%s'o# th"y %""l may $" &art o% th" story th"

ch'l) 's try'#! to t"ll. +t sally 's $"tt"r #ot to #)"rsta#) too 'cly

A#)"rso# ool'sh'a#, 1988, $t Hst to &lay 'th th" th'#!s ch'l)r"# $r'#! to

th"ra&y. E*"#tally, #)"rsta#)'#! may com".

='$l'#!s

Th" &r"s"#c" o% s'$l'#!s '# th" %am'ly s"ss'o# 's 'm&orta#t %or th" cr"at'o# o% a

sa%" th"ra&"t'c cltr". ='$l'#!s ta" aay som" o% th" &r"ssr" o# th"')"#t'(") &at'"#t. ='$l'#!s som"t'm"s &ro*" to $" "*"# mor" #ha&&y tha# th"

&at'"#t at oth"r t'm"s, s'$l'#!s ar" a r'ch sorc" o% '#%ormat'o#. Th"

'#t"ract'o#s $"t""# th" s'$l'#!s, %or '#sta#c", o%t"# r""ct m"ta&hor'cally th"

r"lat'o#sh'& $"t""# th" &ar"#ts T'lma#s-Osty# >a# alo"#, 198<. Tal'#!

a$ot th" '#t"ract'o# $"t""# th" s'$l'#!s ca# o&"# s&ac" %or stor'"s a$ot th"

r"lat'o#sh'& $"t""# th" &ar"#ts.

For "am&l": "rry as a 9-y"ar-ol) $oy. 6's &ar"#ts orr'") a$ot h'm $"cas"

h" "&t *"ry mch to h'ms"l%. 6" )')#t !o ot to &lay 'th h's %r'"#)s. 6" as

*"ry %r'!ht"#") o% "*"ryth'#!, s&')"rs, cars, )o!s, school... +# th" (rst s"ss'o#, +

as") "*"ry$o)y '# th" %am'ly to ma" a )ra'#! o% th" %am'ly. Th"# +'#strct") "ach o% th"m to '#tro)c" th" %am'ly th"y ha) )ra#. "rrys $roth"r

Fra# ha) )ra# "rry ""&'#!. 6" ha) )ra# h'ms"l% co#sol'#! "rry. Fra#

sa') that h" tr'") to r"assr" h's $roth"r h"#"*"r h" as a%ra'). + loo") at

th" &ar"#ts a#) + sa moth"r loo'#! &//l"). Th"# + sa that moth"r ha) also

)ra# a &"rso# ho s""m") to $" ""&'#! a#) a co#sol'#! &"rso#. + as")

moth"r a$ot 't. =h" sa') sh" ha) )ra# %ath"r ho as )"&r"ss"), a#)

h"rs"l% ho tr'") to l'%t h'm &. =h" th"# tol) m" that %ath"r as o$s"ss") $y

th" &ollt'o# o% th" "#*'ro#m"#t a#) that h" as *"ry )"&r"ss") som"t'm"s

h"# h" r"a) a$ot ac') ra'# or a$ot som" "#*'ro#m"#tal )'sast"r. =h"

alays tr'") to co#sol" h'm, $t sh" )')#t th'# sh" scc"")") *"ry "ll.

+t 's, ho"*"r, 'm&orta#t #ot to s'tch too soo# %rom a %ocs o# th" ch'l) to a

%ocs o# th" mar'tal r"lat'o#sh'&, $"cas" th's col) $" )'sr"s&"ct%l toar)

th" styl" a#) t"m&o o% th" %am'ly. Fam'ly th"ra&'sts ho )o#t %""l at "as" '#

or'#! 'th ch'l)r"# col) %""l "s&"c'ally t"m&t") to s'tch to th" mar'tal

&ro$l"ms too soo# T'lma#s-Osty# >a# alo"#, 198<.



Par"#ts

P"rha&s th" most 'm&orta#t th'#! %or th" th"ra&'st ho a#ts to co#tr'$t" to a

sa%" th"ra&"t'c cltr" 's to ha*" a !oo) or'#! r"lat'o#sh'& 'th th"

&ar"#ts. Th" th"ra&'st shol) a*o') !"tt'#! '# a (!ht or a# "scalat'#! &o"r

str!!l" 'th &ar"#ts. Par"#ts shol) alays $" r"co!#'/") as th" &ar"#ts.

Th"y shol) %""l r"s&"ct") '#st"a) o% cr't'c'/") By#!-6all, 199 T'lma#s-

Osty#, 199. +t 's a)*'sa$l" to start %rom th" assm&t'o# that &ar"#ts a#t th"

$"st %or th"'r ch'l)r"#. O% cors", som" &ar"#ts )o#t a#t th" $"st %or th"'r

ch'l)r"#, $t most )o.

Th" th"ra&'st shol) r"s&"ct th" &ar"#ts a#) l'st"# to hat th"y ha*" to say.

Th" th"ra&'st 's th" "&"rt o% th" th"ra&"t'c &roc"ss, $t th" &ar"#ts ar" th"

"&"rts o% th"'r ch'l)r"#. Th"y #o th"'r ch'l)r"# $"st. A th"ra&'st shol) #ot

start to &o'#t ot th" ")cat'o#al or "mot'o#al shortcom'#!s o% &ar"#ts,

"s&"c'ally #ot at th" $"!'##'#! o% th"ra&y h"# a sa%" th"ra&"t'c cltr" has

st'll to $" cr"at"). All too o%t"# th"ra&'sts har$or th" %a#tasy that th"y col)$" $"tt"r &ar"#ts tha# th" r"al &ar"#ts. O#" ay to &o'#t ot to &ar"#ts ho

'#com&"t"#t th"y ar" 's %or th" th"ra&'st to )"mo#strat" s'll a#) charm '#

"#!a!'#! th"'r ch'l), or $y )"mo#strat'#! ho &l"asa#tly h" or sh" ca# &lay

'th th" ch'l), or $y sho'#! th"m ho "asy 't 's to #)"rsta#) th" ch'l).

Par"#ts ho com" to th"ra&y 'th th"'r ch'l) %""l $a) "#o!h as 't 's. +# th"'r

&ro$l"m-satrat") story, most &ar"#ts ar" (at") o# th" th'#!s th"y m'!ht

ha*" )o#" ro#! '# th"'r ha#)l'#! o% th"'r ch'l). Th"y %""l !'lty a#) 'm&ot"#t,

a#) th"y )o#t #"") a th"ra&'st to r$ 't '# "*"# )""&"r. Th"y #"") a th"ra&'st

ho 's &r"&ar") to Ho'# th"m '# th"'r %""l'#! o% %a'lr", )'sa&&o'#tm"#t, or !'lt.

?h"# th" &ar"#ts %""l that th"th"ra&'st has acc"&t") th"s" %""l'#!s, th"

th"ra&'st ca# co##"ct 'th %""l'#!s o% com&"t"#c" a#) mast"ry.

Words and $nterpretations

+t 's 'm&orta#t to $" car"%l h"# ma'#! '#t"r&r"tat'o#s a$ot th" so-call")

r"al m"a#'#! $"h'#) th" ma#'%"st &h"#om"#o#. +#t"r&r"tat'o#s ca# #mas

&a'#%l th'#!s $"%or" th" ch'l) a#) th" %am'ly ar" r"a)y %or th"m. +% a ch'l) '#

h's or h"r &lay #co*"rs a &a'#%l th"m" or a %am'ly s"cr"t, th" th"ra&'st has to

$" r"s&"ct%l a#) cat'os 'th that th"m" or s"cr"t a#) #ot &t th" ch'l) o#

th" s&ot $"cas" th" ch'l) col) %""l !'lty %or $"tray'#! th" %am'ly. ?h"# th"

th"ra&'st a#) th" %am'ly cr"at" m"a#'#! to!"th"r, 't 's "as'"r to r"s&"ct th"

t"m&o a#) *l#"ra$'l'ty o% th" %am'ly.

At th" sam" t'm", 't o%t"# 's crc'al to #am" or !'*" or)s to th"m"s %or

'#sta#c", !r'"%, a!r"ss'o#, s"al a$s" that ar" cl"arly &r"s"#t '# th" %am'ly,

$t that ar" #ot #am"). +#)""), th"ra&y 's !'*'#! or)s to th'#!s that ha*" #ot

y"t $""# sa') '# th" %am'ly. =om"t'm"s th" th"ra&'st has to #am" th"s" th'#!s

$"cas" th"y ar" too scary, "m$arrass'#!, sa), or &a'#%l %or th" %am'ly to



#am" th"m. By #am'#! th"s" th"m"s, th" th"ra&'st shos that sh" or h" 's #ot

a%ra') to tal a$ot th"m, a#) 't 's also a# '#*'tat'o# %or %am'ly m"m$"rs to

s&"a a$ot th"m.

For "am&l", a %am'ly com"s '# th"ra&y $"cas" o% o$"s'ty o% th" 12-y"ar-ol)

)a!ht"r. Th" moth"r also ha&&"#s to $" *"ry %at, $t #o$o)y m"#t'o#s th's, or

"*"# s""ms to ha*" #ot'c") 't. Th" th"ra&'st r"s&"ct%lly has to as a$ot h"r

"'!ht as soo# as &oss'$l". Th" lo#!"r th" th"ra&'st r"ma'#s s'l"#t, th" mor"

)'Iclt 't $"com"s to s&"a a$ot 't, a#) th" mor" h" or sh" $"com"s a#

accom&l'c" '# th" s'l"#c" o% th" %am'ly.

Th" th"ra&'st mst a*o') s'#! &atholo!'/'#! la$"ls. ?h"# &oss'$l", h" mst

r"la$"l th" th'#!s $"'#! sa') '# th" s"ss'o# '# or)s that h'!hl'!ht th"

r"sorc"s a#) !roth &ot"#t'al o% th" ch'l). + r't" Gh"# &oss'$l",G $"cas" +

th'# 't 's#t a !oo) ')"a to !"t '# a (!ht 'th th" &ar"#ts o*"r th" la$"ls $"'#!

s") '# )"scr'$'#! th"'r ch'l). +t 's my "&"r'"#c" that 't 's 'm&orta#t to acc"&t

th" &ar"#ts )"scr'&t'o#s, #ot to r"&lac" th"m $y )"scr'&t'o#s th" th"ra&'st&r"%"rs. Th" th"ra&'st has to acc"&t th" )"scr'&t'o#s o% th" &ar"#ts a#) try to

r"ally #)"rsta#) th"m. A%t"r acc"&t'#! th"m, th" th"ra&'st ca# &lac" a mor"

&os't'*" )"scr'&t'o# $"s')" th" )"scr'&t'o# o% th" &ar"#ts, a#) s"" hat

ha&&"#s. +# my "&"r'"#c", '% &ar"#ts r"ally %""l th" th"ra&'st #)"rsta#)s a#)

acc"&ts th"'r #"!at'*" *'" o% th"'r ch'l), th"y ar" mor" tha# !la) to acc"&t

th" th"ra&'sts mor" &os't'*" a#) ho&"%l )"scr'&t'o#.

All th's )o"s#t m"a# that th" th"ra&'st 's $l'#) to &atholo!y. +t m"a#s that

"*"# &atholo!y shol) $" )"scr'$") '# a ay that ma'm'/"s th" &oss'$'l't'"s

%or !roth a#) cha#!" $y "m&has'/'#! th" m"a#'#!%l#"ss a#) th" sa#'ty o%

th" &atholo!y, a#) $y &lac'#! th" '#sa#'ty '# th" co#t"t o% th" '#)'*')al)"*"lo&m"#t o% th" ch'l) a#) th" )"*"lo&m"#t o% th" %am'ly th" %am'ly l'%"

cycl".

For "am&l", a %am'ly 'th a 1<-y"ar-ol) )a!ht"r, call") h"rry, cam" '#

th"ra&y. h"rry ha) $""# hos&'tal'/") '# a &sych'atr'c hos&'tal a%t"r a *"ry

"&los'*" ro 'th h"r &ar"#ts. GTh" &sych'atr'st o% th" hos&'tal sa') + sK"r")

%rom a# ')"#t'ty cr's's,G h"rry sa'), Ga#) thats hy h" r"%"r") m" to yo.G +

as") h"r hat Ga# ')"#t'ty cr's'sG m"a#t. =h" )')#t #o. G4o#t yo #o

yors"l%G th" moth"r as") a#'osly. =h" s""m") to )o$t my

&ro%"ss'o#al'sm. + r"assr") h"r + #" hat th" $oos a#) th" &ro%"ssors sa')

't m"a#t, $t + )')#t #o hat 't m"a#t %or h"rry a#) %or th"m, h"rrys

&ar"#ts. ?" start") tal'#! a$ot hat G')"#t'ty cr's'sG m"a#t %or th"m. At th"

"#) o% th" co#*"rsat'o#, + smmar'/") hat " ha) tal")a$ot: G5o +

#)"rsta#) hat 't m"a#s to yo, h"rry. +t m"a#s that, #o yo ar" !ro'#!

&, yo ar" co#%s") a#) yo h')" '#s')" yors"l%, $"cas" yo )o#t a#t to

!"t hrt. A#) yo som"t'm"s )o#t #o ho yo ar" or hat yo a#t. A#)

h"# yo (!ht 'th yor &ar"#ts, 't h"l&s yo to #o ho yo ar" $"cas", '#



that ay, yo ca# &ro*" to yors"l% a#) to th"m that yo ar" )'K"r"#t %rom

th"m. A#) %or yo, th" &ar"#ts, 't m"a#s that, altho!h sh"s #o ch'l) a#ymor",

#"'th"r 's sh" a# a)lt, a#) yo orry a$ot h"r a#) yo $lam" yors"l% %or h"r

co#%s'o#.... 4o yo th'# + #o #)"rsta#) hat ')"#t'ty cr's's m"a#s to yo

Ar" th"r" as&"cts + )')#t r"ally #)"rsta#) +% so, ca# yo h"l& m" to r"ally

#)"rsta#)G

Th" Th"ra&'st

Th" th"ra&'st has r"s&o#s'$'l'ty o% ta'#! char!" o% th" s"ss'o#. =h" or h" 's

cl"ar a$ot th" rl"s %or co#)ct '# th" s"ss'o#, 'th l'm'ts that ar" co#s'st"#tly

"#%orc") om$r'#c-raham, 1991.

For "am&l", + ha*" a rl" that th" toys o# to& or #)"r th" ta$l" ar" th" toys

to &lay 'th, a#) th" toys o# th" ma#t"l&'"c" ar" th" toys to loo at. + ha*"

to $"at'%l mo)"l cars o# my ma#t"l&'"c", h'ch + l'" *"ry mch. +t 's

alays '#t"r"st'#! to s"" ho th" %am'ly r"s&o#)s to thos" rl"s. =om" ch'l)r"#

'cly los" '#t"r"st '# th" %or$'))"# cars, oth"rs ""& loo'#! at th"m, a#) as

th"'r moth"r a!a'# a#) a!a'# '% th"y ca# &lay 'th th"m, o%t"# "m$arrass'#!

th"'r moth"rs 'th th"'r '#s'st"#c". =om" moth"rs &l"a) 'th m", G6" o#t

)ama!" th"m. a# h" &l"as" &lay 'th th"mG Bt + sta#) (rm $"cas" th"

rl"s ar" cl"ar a#) th"y ar" co#s'st"#tly "#%orc").

Th" th"ra&'st 's a "ll-tra'#") "&"rt o% th" th"ra&"t'c co#*"rsat'o# a#) th"

th"ra&"t'c &roc"ss, 'th th" #ol")!", th" s'll, a#) th" "&"r'"#c" to $r'#!

th's %am'ly th"ra&y to a !oo) "#). Th" th"ra&'st has a# o*"r*'" o% th"

th"ra&y sh" or h" #os hat th" !oal o% th's th"ra&y 's a#) has ')"as a$ot

hat ays shol) $" %ollo") to r"ach that !oal. Th" '#t"!r'ty o% th" th"ra&'st's crc'al to cr"at" a co#t"t o% trst a#) sa%"ty %or th" &ar"#ts a#) th" ch'l).

Th" th"ra&'st 's also mo)"st a#) r"s&"ct%l, o&"# to all th" "st'o#s th" %am'ly

m"m$"rs m'!ht ha*" a$ot th" th"ra&y, a#) to all th" %"")$ac th"y !'*".

Th"ra&'sts mst ma'#ta'# th"'r o# '#t"!r'ty *'s--*'s th"'r t"ach"rs, !rs, a#)

th" orl)-%amos mast"r th"ra&'sts. Th"y shol)#t try to $" a M'#ch'#, a

?h't", or a# A#)ol(. As ""#"y 1991, &. o#c" rot": th" th"ra&'st shol)

Gclt'*at" a h"althy 'rr"*"r"#c" %or all t"ach"rs a#) t"ach'#!s '#cl)'#! th's

o#".G Th" th"ra&'st mst or 'th h's or h"r o# &ot"#t'al't'"s a#) r"sorc"s.

Too mch a)m'rat'o# or "#ths'asm %or th" $'! "am&l"s ol) ma" th"

th"ra&'st los" $oth cora!" a#) '#s&'rat'o#.

A as" Eam&l"

Th's 's th" story o% Ro$"rt a#) h's ra)'o '#t"r*'". Ro$"rt as a -y"ar-ol) $lac

$oy. 6" as a)o&t") y"ars a!o $y A# a#) Er', a h't" B"l!'a# co&l" ho

alr"a)y ha) a 2-y"ar-ol) )a!ht"r, E*a. At that t'm", A# a#) Er' or") %or a

hma#'tar'a# or!a#'/at'o# '# Ra#)a. O#" )ay th"y "#t to a# '#st'tt'o# %or



)"s"rt") ch'l)r"#, a#) th"y sa a *"ry small $a$y. Th" ## tol) th"m that th"

$a$y as 11 mo#ths ol) a#) that 't ha) $""# $ro!ht '# 3 ""s &r"*'osly. 6"

ha) r"%s") to "at s'#c" th"#. 6" as '# $a) sha&": GTh" $a$y 'll )'" 'th'# a

"",G th" ## ha) sa').

A# a#) Er' as") th" ## h"r" th" moth"r as. Th"# th" ## tol) th"m a

horr'$l" story a$ot a &oor yo#! oma# ho or") as a cl"a#'#! oma# '#

th" hos" o% a r'ch h't" %am'ly. =h" as ha&&y to ha*" th's Ho$ $"cas", %or

o#" th'#!, 't "&t h"r al'*" a#) ot o% &rost'tt'o#.

Th"# o#" )ay th" oma# !ot &r"!#a#t. ?h"# sh" tol) h"r "m&loy"rs, th"y

"r" *"ry #)"rsta#)'#!. Th"y tol) th" oma#that sh" col) ""& h"r Ho$, a#)

$r'#! h"r $a$y 'th h"r so that sh" col) ta" car" o% 't h'l" cl"a#'#! th"

hos". Th" h't" &"o&l" "r" #)"rsta#)'#! $"cas" th"y sa') th"y col) #ot

ha*" ch'l)r"# th"ms"l*"s a#) th"y ol) $" ha&&y to ha*" a $a$y aro#) th"

hos". A %" mo#ths lat"r, th" $a$y as $or#, a#) th" yo#! oma# as

ha&&y $"cas" sh" as $l"ss") 'th a so#. =h" #am") h'm Ro$"rt. A %"""s a%t"r th" $oy as $or#, sh" as $ac at or a!a'# '# th" hos" o% th"

r'ch h't" &"o&l". Th"# a %" mo#ths lat"r th" yo#! moth"r %o#) ot sh"

as &r"!#a#t a!a'#. Th's t'm" th" h't" &"o&l" "r" #ot so #)"rsta#)'#!:

GO#" ch'l) 's com&a#y to 's too mch,G th"y sa'). Th"y s!!"st") that th"

oma# shol) ha*" a# a$ort'o#. Th" yo#! oma# )')#t a#t that, tho!h

sh" #)"rstoo) sh" ha) to choos" $"t""# h"r #$or# ch'l) a#) h"r Ho$. =h"

also #)"rstoo) that '% sh" )') los" h"r Ho$, o#ly &rost'tt'o# ol) ""& h"r,

Ro$"rt, a#) h"r #$or# ch'l) %rom star*'#!. Thats h"# sh" )"c')") to ""&

h"r #$or# ch'l) a#) to ta" Ro$"rt to th" ##s, a#) as th"m to %"") h'm, to

ta" !oo) car" o% h'm, a#), '% &oss'$l", to (#) a !oo) hom" %or h'm '# Ero&"

or Am"r'ca. G?" acc"&t") th" ch'l) $t #o h" m'ss"s h's moth"r a#) h"

)o"s#t a#t to "at a#ymor",G th" ## sa').

A "" lat"r A# a#) Er' a)o&t") th" ch'l) a#) a mo#th lat"r th"y "r" $ac '#

B"l!'m. Th"y )"c')") to stay a#) $"!a# a #" l'%". ;'ttl" $y l'ttl" Ro$"rt

start") "at'#! a!a'#. Ro$"rt as sa*") a#) "*"ry$o)y as ha&&y.

?h"# Ro$"rt as , A# a#) Er' $ro!ht h'm to m" $"cas" th"y "r" orr'").

=om"t'm"s Ro$"rt ha) $a) t"m&"r ta#trms. 6" r"%s") to "at a#) tal, a#)

h" thr" h's toys aro#) th" room. =om"t'm"s h" "*"# $a#!") h's h"a)

a!a'#st a sto#" all. A%t"rar)s h" sat th"r" $l"")'#! a#) cry'#!. 6" tol) h's

moth"r that h" Gas '# h's a#!ryG a#) that h" col)#t !"t ot. A# a#) Er' %"lt

h"l&l"ss.

+ sa th" &ar"#ts, E*a a#) Ro$"rt a %" t'm"s, a#) " tal"). Th"y "r" a #'c"

%am'ly. Th" &ar"#ts "r" arm, '#t"ll'!"#t, %""l'#! &"o&l" th" ch'l)r"# "r"

o&"# a#) $r'!ht. Th" s"ss'o#s "r" %#. Altho!h + )')#t #o hat Ro$"rts

sym&tom r"ally m"a#t, + o#)"r") '% Ro$"rt ha) som" &r'm't'*" %"ar o% a!a'#



los'#! h's &ar"#ts, Hst as h" ha) lost h's moth"r '# Ra#)a. +# h's #" %am'ly

"*"ryth'#! s""m") to !o "ll, $t may$" som" )'ssoc'at") %"ar a#) a#!"r

sr%ac") h"# 't as tr'!!"r") $y som"th'#! th" &ar"#ts )').

+# th" th'r) s"ss'o#, + shar") my r""ct'o#s 'th th" %am'ly, a#) &ro&os") that

" &lay to!"th"r. Ro$"rt a#) + ol) $" a ra)'o cr" that ol) '#t"r*'" h's

&ar"#ts a#) h's s'st"r %or som" %tr" $roa)cast. ?" ol) ta&" th" '#t"r*'"

o# a# a)'o cass"tt". Ro$"rt l'") th" ')"a. + sa') that h" ol) $" th"

'#t"r*'""r a#) + ol) $" th" t"ch#'c'a# ho too car" o% th" r"cor)'#!. F'rst

" ol) r"h"ars" th" '#t"r*'". + "#t 'th Ro$"rt to a#oth"r room a#) "

tal") a$ot hat "st'o#s h" ol) as h's &ar"#ts a#) h's s'st"r.

Th" +#t"r*'"

T"# m'#t"s lat"r " r"Ho'#") th" %am'ly a#) Ro$"rt $"!a# th" '#t"r*'". 6"

&o'#t") th" m'cro&ho#" at h's moth"rs #os" a#) as") h"r: G?'ll yo alays

ta" car" o% m"G Moth"r sm'l") a#) a#s"r"): GN"s, + 'll.G Th"# Ro$"rt as")

h"r: G?'ll yo #"*"r l"a*" m"G G+ 'll #"*"r #"*"r l"a*" yo,G moth"r

a#s"r"). + col) h"ar t"ars '# h"r *o'c".

G?'ll yo alays lo*" m"G h" as") h's %ath"r, a#) th"# h's moth"r, a#) th"#

h's s'st"r. Th"y all a#s"r") GN"s.G G?'ll " alays stay to!"th"rG Ro$"rt

as") h's&ar"#ts. G?" 'll,G th"y a#s"r") '# #'so#.

At that mom"#t, Ro$"rt loo") at m" 'th a "st'o# '# h's "y"s. GP"t"rG

G?hat 's 't, Ro$"rtG + as") h'm. Ga# + as a "st'o# that " )')#t

r"h"ars"G Ro$"rt as"). P//l"), + sa'): GO% cors".G

A%t"r som" h"s'tat'o#, Ro$"rt as") h's %ath"r: G?'ll " alays ha*" mchmo#"yG Fath"r la!h"), loo") at A#, a#) sa'): GE*"# h"# "r" tal'#!

a$ot lo*" a#) ha&&'#"ss, mo)"r# ch'l)r"# ar" so mat"r'al'st'c.G 6" !r'##") at

h's '%". Th"# h" a#s"r") th" $oy: GN"s, " 'll alays ha*" mch mo#"y.G

Ro$"rt as") GAr" yo sr"G GN"s, "r" sr",G h's moth"r sa').

At (rst + o#)"r") hy Ro$"rt ol) as a "st'o# a$ot mo#"y. 5o + th'# +

#)"rsta#). +# h's l'%", Ro$"rt ha) l"ar#") that lo*" a#) car" )"&"#)") o#

mo#"y. 6" ha) lost h's moth"r '# Ra#)a, #ot $"cas" sh" )')#t lo*" h'm, $t

$"cas" sh" as &oor. May$" h" as th'#'#! that '% sh" ha) ha) Gmch

mo#"y,G sh" ol)#t ha*" )"s"rt") h'm. Pro$a$ly Ro$"rt col) #ot "&la'#

th's '# or)s. =t'll h" ma#a!") to as h's &ar"#ts '% th"y ol) alays ha*"

Gmch mo#"y.G =om"ho h" mst ha*" %"lt that 't as sa%" "#o!h '# th"

s"ss'o# to as th's 'm&orta#t "st'o#. 6" ha)#t m"#t'o#") th" mo#"y

"st'o# h'l" " "r" r"h"ars'#!. Pro$a$ly th" a#s"rs o% h's &ar"#ts to h's

(rst "st'o#s ma)" th" cltr" o% th"ra&y sa%" "#o!h %or h'm to as th's

"st'o# '# th" s"ss'o#.



A%t"r th" '#t"r*'" as (#'sh") + !a*" Ro$"rt th" cass"tt" o% h's '#t"r*'" a#) +

tol) h'm that h"#"*"r h" as a%ra') that h's &ar"#ts ol) l"a*" h'm, h"

col) l'st"# to th's '#t"r*'" a#) h" ol) $" r"assr"). Ro$"rt loo") ha&&y.

=om"ho h" also loo") tall"r, as '% h" ha) &hys'cally !ro# )r'#! th"

'#t"r*'". + too as ha&&y 'th th" s"ss'o#. + ha) "#Hoy") 't a#) + #" 't as a

!oo) s"ss'o#. + #" " ha) toch") o# som"th'#! 'm&orta#t that ol) &ro*"to $" *"ry m"a#'#!%l %or "*"ry$o)y '# th" %am'ly.

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syst"ms: Pr"l'm'#ary a#) "*ol*'#! ')"as a$ot th" 'm&l'cat'o#s %or cl'#'cal

th"ory. Fam'ly Proc"ss, 27, 371-393.

3. A#)ol(, M., 1979 Fam'ly th"ra&y: A# '#t"ract'o#al a&&roach. 5" Nor:Pl"#m Pr"ss.

<. A#)ol(, M. a#) A#!"lo, ., 1988 Toar) co#strct'#! th" th"ra&"t'c

syst"m. or#al o% Mar'tal a#) Fam'ly Th"ra&y, 1<, 237-2<7.

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Fam'l'"s th" th"ra&"t'c story. 5" Nor: Br##"rQMa/"l.

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cha#!". 5" Nor: 'l%or) Pr"ss.

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%or act'*" "#!a!"m"#t across th" a!" s&a# &&. -2. +# ;. om$r'#c-raham

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P"rs&"ct'*"s o# tr"atm"#t. 5" Nor: 'l%or) Pr"ss.



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th"ra&y: 6o calclat") shol) 't $", or#al o% Mar'tal a#) Fam'ly Th"ra&y,

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th"ra&"t'c m"a#'#! &&. 1-18. +# =. Mc5am"" .. "r!"# ")s.,

Th"ra&y as soc'al co#strct'o#. ;o#)o#: =a!" P$l'cat'o#s.

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&sychoth"ra&y: Fam'ly th"ra&'sts $"l'"%s a#) &ract'c"s. or#al O% Fam'ly

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