Explosive Child

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The Wafe Episode Jennifer, age eleven, wakes up, makes her bed,looks around her room to make sure every-thing is in its place, and heads into the kitchento make herself breakfast. She peers into thefreezer, removes the container of frozenwafes, and counts six wafes. Thinking toherself, Ill have three wafes this morningand three tomorrow morning, Jennifer toastsher three wafes and sits down to eat.

Moments later her mother and five-year-old

brother, Adam, enter the kitchen, and themother asks Adam what hed like to eat for breakfast. Adam responds, Waffles, andthe mother reaches into the freezer for thewaffles, Jennifer, who has been listeningintently, explodes.

He cant have them! screams Jennifer, nowface-to-face with he mother.

The mother, wary of the physical and verbalaggression of which her daughter is capableduring these moments, desperately asksAdam if there might be something else hewould consider eating.

I want wafes, Adam whimpers, cowering behind his mother.

Jennifer, her frustration and agitation at a

peak, pushes her mother out of the way,seizes the container of frozen wafes, themslams the freeze door shut, pushes over akitchen chair, grabs her plate of toastedwafes, and stalks to her room, Her brotherand mother begin to cry.

The Explosive ChildA New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated,Chronically Inexible Children Author: Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.Publisher: HarperRelease Date: September 2005ISBN: 978-0-06-077939-9

Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. is Director of Cognitive-Behavioral Psychology at the Clinical and ResearchProgram in Pediatric Psychopharmacology atMassachusetts General Hospital. He is alsoAssistant Professor of Psychology in theDepartment of Psychiatry at Harvard MedicalSchool. He lives outside Boston with his wifeand daughter.

FamilyIntel summarizes signicant parenting, marriage, and family relationship books fortoday s busy families. This summary is comprised solely of selected excerpts fro m the book.

The opinions expressed are those of the book s author(s) and not necessarily those ofFamilyIntel. To receive your free summary each week, visit www.familyintel.com.

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Explosive children come in all shapes andsizes. Some blow up a dozen times every day,others only a few times a week. Many loseit only at home, others only at school, some both at home and at school. Some screamwhen they become frustrated but do not swearor become physically or verbally aggressive.

What should become quite clear as you readthis book is that these children have wonder-ful qualities and tremendous potential. Inmost ways, their general cognitive skills havedeveloped at a normal pace. Yet their inex-ibility and poor tolerance for frustration oftenobscure their more positive traits and causethem and those around them enormous pain.

Clearly theres something different about the Jennifers of the world. This is a criticalrealization for their parents and othercaretakers to come to. But there is hope, aslong as their parents, teachers, relatives, andtherapists are able to come to grips with asecond realization: Explosive children oftenrequire a different approach to discipline andlimit setting than do other children.

The rst chapters of this book are devoted to

helping you think about why these childrenadapt so poorly to changes and requests, areso easily frustrated, and explode so quicklyand so often. Along the way, youll read aboutwhy popular strategies for dealing withdifcult children are often less effective thanexpected. In later chapters, youll read aboutalternative strategies that have been helpful tomany of the children, families, and teacherswith whom Ive worked over the years.

If you are the parent of an explosive child,this book may restore some sanity andoptimism to your family and help you feelthat you can actually handle your childsdifficulties confidently and competently.If you are a relative, friend, teacher, ortherapist, this book should, at the least,help you understand. There is no panacea.But there is cause for optimism and hope.

Children Do Well If They Can

Just as some children lag in acquiringreading or athletic skills, othersthechildren this book is aboutdo not progressto the degree we would have hoped in thedomains of flexibilityand frustration tolerance.Mastery of these skills is crucial to a childsoverall development because interactingadaptively with the world requires thecontinual ability to solve problems, work out disagreements, and control the emotionsone experiences when frustrated.

Some children are inexible and easily

frustrated from the moment they pop intothe world. Other children may not begin tohave difculty with exibility and frustrationtolerance until later, when demands increasefor skills such as language, organization,impulse control, regulation of emotions,and social skills.

Heres the important point: The children aboutwhom this book is written do not chooseto beexplosiveany more than a child would choose

to have a reading disabilitybut they aredelayed in the process of developing the skillsessential for flexibility and frustration tolerance.

The single most important theme of this book is as follows: Children do well if they can.In other words, if your child could do well,he would do well.

The problem is that a very different philosophyChildren do well if they want tooftenguides adults thinking in their interactions

with explosive children. Adherents to thisidea believe children are already capable of behaving more appropriately but simplydont want to.

Now we just have to gure out which factorsare hindering your childs capacity to respondadaptively to the demands for exibility andfrustration tolerance being placed upon him.

The Explosive Child 2

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Pathways and Triggers If its true that children do well if they can , thenrst and foremost we must achieve an under-standing of the precise factors that are making

it hard for your child to do well.In this chapter well take a closer look at thespecic pathways that may set the stage forexplosions. Why are they called pathways?Because each category includes specicthinking skills, the absence of which can setthe stage for a child to head down the path toexplosive behavior.

Identifying your childs pathways accom-plishes several crucial missions. First, if youreable to pinpoint lacking thinking skills thatare contributing to you childs difculties, itsunlikely that you (or anyone else, if yourepersuasive) will continue explaining his behavior as attention-seeking, manipulative,or unmotivated. Second, identifying yourchilds pathways will help make explosionsmuch more predictable. Finally, if you knowwhat thinking skills your child is lacking,youll know exactly the thinking skills thatneed to be taught.

E XECUTIVE S KILLS

Executive skillsincluding shifting cognitiveset (the ability to shift efciently from onemind-set to another), organization and planning (organizing a coherent plan of action to dealwith a problem or frustration), and separationof affect(the ability to separate your emotionalresponse to a problem from the thinking youneed to perform to solve the problem)arecrucial to ones ability to deal effectively withfrustration, think exibly, and solve problems.

L ANGUAGE P ROCESSING S KILLS

Many explosive children dont have a basicvocabulary for categorizing and expressingtheir emotions. This is a big problem, for itsactually very useful to be able to let peopleknow youre frustrated when youre

frustrated. Some children do just ne atcategorizing and labeling their feelings buthave trouble coming up with the words totell you whats the matter or what they need.

E MOTION R EGULATION S KILLS

Most children (like the rest of us) are a littleirritable, agitated, grumpy, cranky, grouchy,and fatigued some of the time. But there aresome children who are in an irritable, agitated,cranky, fatigued mood a whole lot more oftenthan others, and they experience these feelingsa whole lot more intensely. These kids capac-ities for frustration tolerance and exibilityare compromised much more often, and as aresult, they may fail to acquire developmentallyappropriate skills for handling demands forexibility and frustration tolerance.

C OGNITIVE F LEXIBILITY S KILLS

Very young children tend to be fairly rigid, black-and-white, literal, inexible thinkers.As children develop, they learn that, in fact,most things in life are gray: There are exceptions to the rule and alternative waysof interpreting things. Unfortunately for somechildren, gray thinking doesnt develop asreadily as we might wish. They often havesignificant difficulty approaching the worldin a exible, adaptable way and becomeextremely frustrated when events dontproceed as they had originally congured.

S OCIAL S KILLS

There are few human activities that requiremore exibility, complex thinking, andrapid processing than social interactions.Researchers have delineated a set of specicthinking skillsknown as social informationprocessing skillsthat come into play inpractically all social interactions. The keypoint is that this process is nonstop andrequires a lot of efciency and exibility.Its barely noticeable to people from whomit happens automatically, but its veryfrustrating if youre not one of those people.


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By the way, theres a big difference betweeninterpreting the pathways described in thischapter as excuses rather than asexplanations. When the pathways areinvoked as excuses, the door slams shut onthe process of thinking about how to help achild. Conversely, when the pathways areused as explanations for a childs behavior,the door to helping swings wide open, forthe pathways provide us with an improvedunderstanding of the childs needs and aclearer sense of what we need to do next.

Theres one other piece of terminology tocover before the chapter ends: triggers. Whats a trigger? A situation or event that

routinely precipitates explosive outbursts.So while the pathways are what set thestage for a child to be explosive (skills thatneed to be trained), triggers are the situationsor events over which the child is actuallyexploding. Once you know what yourchilds pathways and triggers are, hisexplosions become highly predictable.

The Truth About Consequences

Psychology and psychiatry are imprecisesciences, and different mental healthprofessional have different theories andinterpretations of explosive behavior inchildren. As you now know, children mayexhibit such behavior for any of a variety of reasons, so theres no right or wrong way toexplain it and no one-size-ts-all approach tochanging it. The key is to nd explanationsand interventions that are well matched toindividual children and their families.

Unfortunately, we live in a society in whichmany adults, when faced with a child whoisnt meeting expectations, can think of onlyone word: Consequences. Thats a shame, because there are only two ways in which

consequences are actually useful: (1) to teachbasic lessons about right from wrong(such asdont hit, dont swear, dont explode); and(2) to motivate people to behave appropriately.But its a very safe bet that your child alreadyknows you dont want him to hit, swear, orexplode, so it wouldnt make a great deal of sense to spend a lot of time using consequencesto teach him something he already knows.

He needs something else from you. Thank-fully, theres a whole universe of optionsavailable to help your child besides conse-quences. Your journey into a new universe begins in the next chapter.

Plan B Before we get to the actual nuts and bolts of Collaborative Problem Solving (often referredto henceforth simply as CPS), lets take a fewpages to discuss how to create an atmospherethat is more user-friendly for your explosivechild, so as to set the stage for the hard work that lies ahead

First, its going to be important to make sure thatall the adults who interact with your child have aclear understanding of his difficulties.If thatsnot possible, then getting as many people aspossible on the same wavelength is the goal.

Second, it may be necessary to put some of your parenting agenda on the back burner,at least temporarily.

Third, if you havent already, you may have tocome to grips with the fact that your child is alittle different.Yours is not a business asusual child.

Fourthand this was mentioned in passingearlier but is about to become very importantexplosions are actually highly predictable.Not all explosions are predictable, but mostare. And if theyre predictable, you can solvethe problems that cause them proactivelyin advance.


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There are basically three ways to handle aproblem or unmet expectation with a child. Itsimportant to emphasize that the plans comeinto play only when there is a problem orunmet expectation. For example, if your childis completing his homework to your satisfac-tion and without exploding, you dont need aPlan because your expectation is being met.

Many people think the terminology Plan Arefers to the preferredplan. Not in this book. Inthis book Plan A refers to handling a problemor unmet expectation through the impositionof adult will.Plan C involves dropping theexpectation completely, at least for now.And Plan B involves doing the name of the

approach Collaborative Problem Solvingand engaging the child in a discussion inwhich the problem or unmet expectation isresolved in a mutually satisfactory manner.

P LAN A

If your child isnt meeting a given expectationand you respond by imposing your willi.e., by saying things like No, You must, orYou cantyoure using Plan A.Now, these might sound like perfectly ordinary,reasonable responses, but only if you haveperfectly ordinary, reasonable child. Youdont. In the case of explosive kids, Plan Aimposing your will greatly heightens thelikelihood of an explosion.

P LAN C

You know youre using Plan C if you sayeither nothing at all or OK in response to aproblem or unmet expectation. Theres anup side to Plan C: It helps you prevent an

explosion. But theres also a down side:Youve dropped your expectation completely,at least for now.When you intentionally use Plan C, you areproactively deciding to drop a given expecta-tion, either because youve decided it wasunrealistic in the rst place or because youvegot a bigger sh to fry.

P LAN B

There are two ways to do Plan B: EmergencyPlan B and Proactive Plan B. On rst hearingabout Plan B, many folks come to the erro-neous conclusion that the best time to usePlan B is just as a child is becoming frustrated.Thats Emergency Plan B, and its actually notthe best timing because the child is alreadygetting heated up. Few of us do our clearestthinking when were heated up. As discussedearlier, most explosions are highly predictable.Thus there is no reason to wait until the childgets heated up yet again to try to solve theproblem thats been causing explosions for avery long time. The goal is to get the problemsolved proactivelybefore it comes up again.Thats Proactive Plan B.

For example, if your child always balks at brushing his teeth, the best time to have aPlan B discussion with him is before hesfaced with the task of teeth brushing againrather than in the heat of the moment.

There are three steps for doing Plan B:

1. Empathy. How do you empathize?Basically, by repeating the childs concern back to him, sticking closely to his exactwords. Some call this reective listening.Its neither agreeing or disagreeing. Itsimply keeps the child (and you) calmand gets his concern on the table.

2. Dene the problem. It is in the second stepof Plan B that the adult places his or herconcern on the table. We call this theDene the Problem step because wedene a problem simply as two concerns

that have yet to be reconciled: your childsand yours. If the only concern on the tableis the Adults concern, youre using Plan A.If the only concern on the table is the Childs,youre using Plan C.

3. Invitation . The third step of Plan B entailshaving the child and adult brainstormpotential solutions to the problem that


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has now been dened by their respectiveconcerns. This step is called the invitation because the adult is actually inviting thechild to solve the problem collaboratively by saying something like, Lets think about how we can solve this problem orLets think about how we can work thatout. The invitation lets the child knowthat solving the problem is somethingyoure doing with himin other words,togetherrather than to him.

Many people have the misconception that theCPS model requires that they suspend all of theirexpectations in order to reduce their childsexplosions. Wrong. Dead wrong. Expectations

are a good thing, especially the realistic variety.

Teach Your Children Well There are three basic skills necessary for yourchild to participate in Plan B discussions:

1. Identifying and Articulating Concerns.When youre trying to get your childsconcerns on the table and you ask himWhats up? theres a pretty good chancehis response will be I dont know. Doesthat mean Plan B is done for? No, but itdoes mean you have a skill to teach.Phrases you might want to considerteaching your child include Gimme aminute, I cant talk about that right now,I need help, I dont feel right, Thisisnt going the way I thought it wold,and I dont know what to do.

2. Considering a Range of Possible Solutions.Hard to believe, but it turns out that thevast majority of solutions encountered byhuman beings fall into one of three generalcategories: (1) ask for help; (2) meet halfway/ give a little;and (3) do it a different way.These categories can be very helpful tochildren whose pathways are in thelanguage-processing domain, for theysimplify the language of problem solvingand can be taught through pictures (if wordsare too cumbersome).

3. Reflect on the Likely Outcome of Solu-tions and the Degree to Which They areFeasible and Mutually Satisfactory .Remember, Plan B isnt an exercise inwishful thinking; its the hard work of collaborating on mutually satisfactoryand doable solutions. If the child cantthink of a mutually satisfactory solution,the surrogate frontal lobe is there to help.After multiple repetitions the child should be better able to independently generatesolutions that are mutually satisfactory.


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Family Matters Sibling issues, never easy to deal with underthe best of circumstances, are even moretroublesome when one of the siblings is

inexible, easily frustrated, and explosive.Sometimes parents have difculties of theirownjob stresses, nancial problems, ormarital issuesthat may make it hard todevote extra energy to Plan B. And sometimesgrandparents or other relatives dont makethe task easier.

S IBLINGS

Can Plan B be applied to interactions betweenan explosive child and his siblings? Why not?The parents are facilitating Plan B discussions by ensuring that the concerns of both siblingsare on the table and that solutions address both concerns. The brothers and sisters end upfeeling good because their explosive sibling ismore approachable and less terrifying; theysee that their views are being heard, that theyare involved in the process of working towarda solution that takes their needs into account,and that youre able to handle things in anevenhanded manner.

P ARENTS

For partners who arent even very good atcollaboratively solving problems with eachother, working things out with a child may beeven more challenging. Partners who aredrained by their own difculties often havelittle left for a labor-intensive explosive child.Sometimes one partner feels exhausted and

resentful about being the primary parent because the other parent spends a lot of time at work. These issues will need to beaddressed, and sometimes marital or familytherapy is necessary.

G RANDPARENTS

We need to make sure the grandparents arewith the program. If grandparents are anintegral part of the family unit they need to be brought into the loop. Even if the grandparentsdont spend much time with the childbutnever miss an opportunity to remind theparents that what the child really needs is agood kick in the pantsthey need to beenlightened about why their ideas arentgoing to work with their explosive grandchild.

The Plan B Classroom As hard as it is to help an explosive childwithin a family, it may be even harder in aclassroom in the company of an additionaltwenty-ve to thirty kids, many of whomhave other types of special needs themselves.

Fortunately, most explosive kids dont

actually show any signs of explosiveness atschool. Here are a few possible explanationsfor this phenomenon, including somementioned earlier:

The embarrassment factor. Theyd beembarrassed if they exploded in front of their peers.

The tightly wrapped factor. The child hasput so much energy into holding it togetherat school that he becomes unraveled theminute he gets home, fueled further bynormal late-afternoon fatigue and hunger.

The herd-mentality factor. Becausethe school day tends to be relativelystructured and predictable, it can actually be user-friendlier than unstructureddowntime at home.


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Even in so-called ordinary families,adversarial interactions between siblings

can be considered fairly normative.But adding an explosive child to the mix

can make standard sibling rivalry look like a walk in the park.


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The chemical factor. Teachers and peersoften are the primary beneciaries of pharmacotherapy, but the medicationsmay have worn off by late after noon orearly evening.

But just because a child isnt exploding atschool doesnt mean that school isntcontributing to explosions that occurelsewhere. Lots of things can happen atschool to fuel explosions outside of school: being teased by other children, feeling sociallyisolated or rejected, feeling frustrated andembarrassed over struggles on certainacademic tasks, being misunderstood by theteacher. And homework can extend school

frustrations well after the bell rings at the endof the school day.

Many explosive children find homework to be extremely frustrating, perhaps becausethey dont have any brain energy left after along day at school, or because their medica-tion has worn off, or because they havelearning problems that make homework completion an agonizing task, or becausehomeworkespecially long-term assign-

mentsrequires a lot of organization andplanning. Thus, its no accident that thesechildren often exhibit some of their mostextreme explosiveness while theyre tryingto do homework.

Now Is the Time Just remember, it can take a while. Youdont x a reading disability in a week, andyou dont fix this learning disability in a

week either.If youve also been thinking, Shouldnt allchildren be raised this way? the answer isBut of course. You see while the CPS modelhas its roots in the treatment of explosivekids, its clear that its not just explosive kidswho need help identifying their concerns;taking another persons concerns into account;expressing frustration in an adaptive manner;generating and considering alternative

solution s to problems; working towar dmutually satisfactory solutions; resolvi ngdisputes and disagreements without conict.All kids need help with these skills.

We have the technology: ve pathways, threePlans, and three steps for doing Plan B. If notnow, when? If not you, who?

Children do well if they can. If they cantwell, now you know what to do.


From the book The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. Copyright 2005,2001, 1998 by Ross W. Greene. Ph.D. Summarized by permission of thepublisher, HarperCollins Publishers. 320 pages. $13.95. ISBN-10: 0-06-077939-X.

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Explosive Child