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Pitch,Please!Transcript

aspartofCitadelTheatre’s[esc]Series ACTI(Phonerings.)John:Hello?Lillian:HeyJohn.It'sLillian.John:(Yawns)Hi,how’sitgoing?Lillian:DidIwakeyou?It's11am.John:OhGod,I'mlatefoooorabsolutelynothingbecausewe'restillstuckathome.Lillian:Yeah,yeah,yeah.Listen,John,ourproposalwasaccepted.John:Ourproposal.Lillian:Yeah,forthedigitaltheatreproject.John:Ohshit.Right!Yeah.I…Iforgotaboutthat.Lillian:Wellit'sgreat!John:Cool,great.Congratstous.Lillian:Congratstous!Wegettomakeathing!John:Remindme,remindmewhatwe,whatwepitched.IrememberwetalkedaboutitbutIdon'trememberwhatwesaid.Lillian:Uh…wepitched,"amulti-disciplinarysynthesisofharmonyanddiscordthatdramatizescomedyandfindsdarkhumouringravestoicism,bringingtogetherparodicreimaginingsof

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bothpreciseorderandcarefulchaosasitseparatesitspermanencefromtheconceptofimpermanenceitself."John:So...nosetideayet,huh?Lillian:Exactly--Ipitchedahoroscope.Itcanmeanwhateverweneedittomean.John:Mmm.Lillian:Butwehaveamonth,wehavelotsoftime.I’mcertainlynotdoinganythingbetternowthatmywholetouriscancelled.So…howlongdoyouthinkyouneedtocomeupwithsomeideas?John:Um…uh,let'ssayaweek.Callmeon,Mondayandwe'llgoovereverythingwe’vegotanddecidewhatthebestthingis.‘Causethat’swhatit’sabout.Lillian:Okay.Thatsoundsfantastic!John,I'msoexcitedtodothisprojectwithyou.John:Lillian.Congratulations.(Laughter.)Lillian:Yeah,yeah.Okay.Talktoyouinaweek.John:Yeah,bye.Lillian:Bye!(Phonedisconnects.)ACTII(Phonerings.)

John:Hello?

Lillian:Hi,areyouready?

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John:Alright…uh,pitchme—whatchugot?

Lillian:Okay.John,Ihave,I…(Laughter)I'mprettyexcitedaboutsomeoftheseideas.Okay...

John:Great.

Lillian:Firstofall,um,famousmusicaltheaterproductionsstagedwithsockpuppets.

John:Okay.Allright.SolikeLesMis,butwithwhateversocksyou’vegot.

Lillian:Yes.Um,Idohaveafewspecificonesinmind.

John:Ok…

Lillian:Ok.IhavePhantomoftheSock-ra.

John:Ohwow.Sothey'regoingtobepunstoo.Okay.Alright.

Lillian:Ohyeah.Youknow,sobuckleup!Ok,Oklahosema.

John:Wow.

Lillian:Oh.Itgetsworse.DarnYankees.

John:Idon’tevenknowwhatmusicalthat'sreferencing.

Lillian:Oh,sorry.Yes.There'samusicalcalledDamnYankees.

John:Ahhhh.

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Lillian:Yeah.Yeah.It'snotsomodern.ArgylesandDolls.

John:Umm-hmm,wow.Yep.

Lillian:Yeah.SockofAges,SpunFromAway…

John:Mmm-hmm.

Lillian:JesusChristSandalfoot,andeitherHamiltoeorHadestoe.

John:Wow.You’vereallyfoundthepuns.Um…I’mgonna,I’mgonnaneedsometimewithallofthose.

Lillian:Alrightwell,I,Ikindofgotonthemusicaltheatertrainalittlebithere,soIthought—asyouknow,Ihavetwocats.

John:Right.

Lillian:SoIwasthinking,howaboutCats,butwithrealcats.

John:Great?I,Ilovethat.Ijustwishitcouldbestagedlive.(Laughter)Um,uh,cool.Um,mylistisnotnowherenearaspunbasedforwhichI,InowfeelIneedtoapologize.

Lillian:No,noyoureallydon't.

John:Okaygreat.Um,uh,thisisjustaclassicofprankcallstofriendsandlovedones.Idon'tknowwhatgoodpranksexistatatimewhenpeoplecan'tgooutside,but,um,just,justtryin’,justtryingtofoolyourfriends...fromadistance.Lillian:Uh,okay.Alittle,ashockjockradiogoingonthere.That’suh,uhIjustwonder,wheredoestheaudiencefitinhere?John:Umm…You’dhavetobestreamingliveIguess.

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Lillian:Yeah,cool.Okay.Well,alsointheworldofZoomtheater,IwasthinkingShakespeare,butwithSnapchatfilters.Soforinstance,Hamletisplayedbyapotatoand,um,maybethere'dbeapickleOphelia,thatkindofthing?John:Right.Solikestrong,strongmonologuesandscenes,but,yeah…okayyeahloveit.Great.Uh,okay.Uh…thisoneisreallyatitlemorethananythingandit's,ClemensSnickerley:BabyAuditor.AndIfeellikeIneedtostress,I'mnotsureifthat'sanauditorofbabiesorababywhoaudits,um,tobedetermined.Lillian:(Laughter)Babyauditor.Uh,y--canyoutellany…Doyouhaveanythingmoreaboutthat?John:Um,uh,Iguess,uh,eitherbranchofthatforkingpathseemstohavesomemeritinmy,inmyheart.Soum,whetherthat'ssomeone,whatevertheirlistofqualificationsforauditingababy,um,orwhetherthat’sababywho'saverystoicandseriousauditor...Butuh,whonevergetstakenseriouslybecauseoftheiryoungage.IfeelIcanseebothpathwaysandeachonebeckonswithuh,withstrength.Lillian:Yeah,that...that's,I'mgoingtostarthatone.John:Great.Lillian:Okay.NextIhave…I’vereferredtoitasa“ReverseMockumentary.”John:Okay.Um…Idon’tknowwhatthatis,butI’mintrigued.Lillian:Justwhatitsoundslike,amockumentary,butreversed.(Pause.)John:Um…Lillian:Or,inasimilarveintothat,uh,butalittlebitopposite-amockumentarybiographyofafictionalcharacter,butdoneasiftheywerearealhuman.John:Okay.Okay.Hmm…Soreallylikedivingintothebehindthecamera,behindtheperformancesortofthing,butforsomeonewhodoesnot,infact,exist.Like,TheRiseandFallofCaptainCrunch.Lillian:(Laughter)Yeah.Yeah.Prettymuch.

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John:Okay,great,great.Um...Ihadasadone…uh,thatwasjustcallsyou'dmaketopeopleyoucan'ttalktoanymore.Whateverthecontextof,“can'ttalkto”isuh,inthatcase.Lillian:Ohhh...that's,that'sreallynice.John:That'sjustlikea,uh…whetherthat'slikepeopleinyourlifeoragain,historicalfolks,or,orwhereverthoseconversationswouldgo.Lillian:Yeah...SoyoucouldjustcallHitlerandswearathimalot.John:Uh,yeah.YoucouldprankcallAdolfHitlerifyousochose.Oryoucanhaveaheartfeltconversationwithsomeone,butyouknow,(laughter)that's,uh,Iguessthatwouldbeyourchoice.(Pause.)Great.Ihadonemore,atincantelephoneaveryesotericartfilmwherewejustfilmourselveshavinglikeatincan,telephoneconversationfroma,fromasafedistance.Uh,noonehearswhatwesayandmaybewedon'teither.Lillian:Hmm.(Pause.)Yeah…?

John:Okaywell,that’smylist.Um…outofthose,maybelet’s,let’sdothatreversemockumentaryone?

Lillian:Great!Wejustneedasubject.

John:Yeah,sure.Uhgreat.I’llgeta-thinkin’.Um,probablytalktoyounextweek?

Lillian:Uh…time’sa-tickin’.

John:Okay,laterthisweek?Lillian:That’stheJohnIknowandlove.John:Great.Uh….bye!(Laughter.)ActIII(Phonerings.)

Lillian:Hello.

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John:Allright,Lillian,hearthis.Myreverse-mockumentarypitchisDressage,butseenfromtheperspectiveofthehorses.

Lillian:(Laughter)Okay.W-what’sDressage?

John:Uh,Dressage…Dressageis,um,it'stheBritishsportwherehorseswearcostumesandtrotandcanterandchoreographedmovestoasong.It'slikefigureskating,butwithhorses,andnotice,butprettymucheverythingelseisthesame.

Lillian:Fromthehorse'sperspective?

John:Yeah.Soit'dbelike,youknow,likethetalkingheadinterviewshotsoflike,butthehorsesjustchewingthehay,like…likethatsortofthing.

Lillian:(Laughter)Oh,that'sfun.Ilikethat.That's,that’sgood.

John:Great.Yeah,ifwejustum,ifwecanjustgetahorse,um,andwecouldjustputitincostumesanditcouldbeallofthehorsesweneed.

Lillian:Okay...Iamnotsurearealhorseisfeasiblerightnow.

John:Uh,wellthereareseveralranchesaroundthecity,likeonFoxDrive/anduh-

Lillian:YeahIdon’tthinkit’sreallyproximitysomuchasuh,access.

John:Okfair.

Lillian:Also,Ihatetopointthisoutbutthat’snotreallya“ReverseMockumentary.”It’sjustkindofaregularmockumentary.

John:Hmm…I,hmm.IguessIthoughtifamockumentaryislikeusingthestoictoolsofadocumentaryonsomethingsilly…Thenyeah,Iguessthatisjustaregularmockumentary.ButthenIguessIdon’tunderstandwhata“ReverseMockumentary”is.

Lillian:Okayokay.So,forexample,Iwasthinkingwecouldlookatareallifehistoricaleventandpretenditwasamadeupthing.Solikethemoonlanding:wecouldhaveKubrick—wellanactorplayingKubrick—asthedirectordoingacommentarywithinputfromNeilArmstrongandBuzzAldrinasactorsinthewholething.

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John:Sure.So,okay.So,soweneedtogathersomebudstobethiscrewofvoices.

Lillian:AhhhhImean,wecouldmaybeusesomeofthatvoicedisguisingsoftware?Likethat'sathing,right?

John:Isn’titeasiertojustusepalswhoaregoodatvoices?

Lillian:Well…we'reonlygettingsomuchmoneyforthisandIdon'tknowhowmanyshareswewanttosplitthisupinto...

John:Oh,asfewaspossible.Um,okay,great.Uh,cool.So,sothenthefootage…

Lillian:Ithinkthat’sthewholebit.Tousethehistoricalfootage.Itisarealnewsevent.

John:Yeahokay,cool.Umm…wejustneedtopullthatanduseit.Isthatlegallysomethingwecando?

Lillian:Um,Ithinkso…I’mprettysure.Imeanit’sprettyoldfootage—butIwillgoandlookintothat.

John:Iwilllookintovoicealteringsoftware.

Lillian:Andyoudovideoediting,right?

John:Nnnn—um,Iwilllearn.

Lillian:(Laughter)Okay,great.Dosomeresearchandwe’lltalkagaininafewdays.

John:Great.I’llgeta-googlin’.

Lillian:Perfect.Okay.Bye!

John:Bye!ActIV(Phonerings.)

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Lillian:Hey!

John:Hi.SorryI'mlate.Iwentdownarealinternetspiralonvoicealteringsoftware.Idon’tknowhowtouseit,butIdoknowlotsaboutthedeepstatenow.

Lillian:Ialsotookaquicklookintovoicealteringsoftware...anditjustsounds—It’sreallycreepyandnotaroadwewanttogodownatall.Uh,andunfortunately,Iuhdon'treallyhaveanybetternewsaboutthemoonfootage.It'sthere.It'sbeenremastered,isthreehourslong,butthere'sonlyabout30secondsofitthat'sactuallyinteresting,andIjusthavetosay,Idon'tthinkitholdsup.

John:Wow.Themoonlandingdoesn'tholdup.

Lillian:I,lookI'msorry,butit'strue.Andit…itlooksfake.Icanseewhysomepeoplethinkitit’sactuallyfake.

John:Yeah.themoonjustisn’tthatimpressive.

Lillian:Idon'tthinkthisprojectcanwork.We’vegottacomeupwithsomethingelse.

John:Uhokay.Well,um,whatdowehavethatwecanactuallyuse?We'rebothtryingtofigureoutthingsthatwedon’talreadyknow.Whichmaybeinhindsightisthewrongapproach.

Lillian:WellsoIguesswehaveourrealvoicesandwecanwritethings.Ihavesomebasicsoundeditingknowledge—likesoundeffects-thatkindofthing.

John:Right.

Lilian:Whatelse?Doyouhaveanythingelse?

John:Um,uh.Imeanifwecouldgetinaroom,it'dbedifferent.Butthat'snotanoptionrightnow.Soyeah,those,thosearethethingswehave.

Lillian:Ijustdon'tknowhowanyofthistechnologyworks.It'shatethis.Iworkinaroomwithpeople…

John:Yeah.Iworklivetoo.PerformingoverZoomisnotthesamething.It’sliketryingtotypeasentencewithonehandtiedbehindyourbackandtheotherhandfranticallytryingtokeepupyourusualpace.

Lillian:I’msofrustrated.

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John:Oksoifwebothhatethiswhydidwewanttodothis?Whydidwedecidetotryadigitalartproject?

Lillian:Well…Imeanwhataretheoptionsrightnow?It'stheonlywaytogetstuffoutthere.We’renotgoingtogetbackinaroomwithanaudienceanytimesoon,soifwedon’tdothis,wecan’tdoourworkuntil…Godknowswhen.

John:Imean,dowe,uh,asidefromwehavecommittedtoaproject,isthereareasonwhyweneedtobeworkingrightnow?

Lillian:Idon'tknow.Imean,whydidyouagreetothisproject?

John:Itwas,itwassomethingtotry.Imean,I've,I'veneverreallydonemuchonlinestuff,but,um,youknow,asanadultsometimesit'shardtoforceyourselftolearnanewskill.AndthisseemedlikeasituationwhereIcoulddothat.

Lillian:WellI…(sighs.)That’sgreatforyou.It'sreallyadmirablebutthat’snothowIfeelfrankly.IjustfeelpressuretoprovetomyselfthatIcanadapt—andnowI’mbeingforcedtolearnyetanothernewwholesuiteofskillsontopofthe50millionotherthingsI'vehadtolearntobeanindependentartist?Uh,I’mabookingagent,accountant,graphicdesigner…I’msobadatit,nobodyshouldletmedothat.Socialmedia?Ihateit.Ihateitsomuch.Butattheendofthedayit’sworthitbecauseIgettocreatemagicwitharoomfullofstrangers,andit’ssobeautiful..Butnow…butnowIdon’tevengetthatpayoff.Ijustgetmorethingstolearn.AndifIdon’tlearnthemthenIfeellikeI’mfallingbehind.AndI'mjustso…tired.YouknowhowgeeseflyinaVformation?

John:Yeah.

Lillian:Otherbirdstoo—apparentlytheIbis.Anyway,youknowthatthefrontgooseworkswayharderthanthegeeseatthebackandtheycreatea,there'salifteffect,kindoflikeaslipstream?Anyway,mypointisthatthegeeseatthebackdon'thavetoworksohard—andthentheytaketurns,right?Soagooseatthebackwilltaketheleadsothefrontgoosecanrest.Andrightnow,I'mtiredofbeingthegooseatthefront.

John:Hmm.Youwanttobeintheslipstream.Ilovethatasadviceforlife—wehavelotstolearnfromthewisdomoftheslipstreamgoose.WhenI,whenIpitchedthis,Ifeltlike“Oh,wehaveabunchoftime.Um…uh.weshouldbemakingsomething.Ourhandsshouldnotbeidle.”But,it'snotlikethisisapaidvacation.EveryoneIknowisgraspingfor“normal”whenthesituationisdefinitelynotnormal.Uh,it'slikethatmomentinanyTwilightZoneepisodewherelike,everythingseemsfine,butjustonethingoff.Andthat,that'skindofwherewe'reat.And

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thatonethingoffisthatfactthatwecan'tmeet,um,and,dosomething,like,liveforaroomfullofpeople,orevenspendtimetogetherwithoutananxietyspikeandso,well,thatsucks.

Lillian:Imean,that'sjustit.Andofcourse,somanypeoplearesufferingso,somuchmore--ononehand,IknowI’moneoftheluckyones—butontheotherhand,I’veworkedforyearstohaveasuccessfultouringshow,andnoweverything’scancelled,andI’mscareditwillnevercomebackatall.SoI’matthedrawingboardagain,onlyit’snotadrawingboard,it’ssomecomputerapp-based-integrational—Idon’tevenknowwhatitis.

John:Yeah.Butuh,thatbeingsaid,wedidcommitandwearegettingpaidsomedollarssoIthinkwestillhavetodoathing.IwouldloveittoinvolvethesportofDressage,(laughter)butIwillacknowledgethatthatisalsooutofthereachofthismoment.

Lillian:Canwejustpromisetodothatwhenthingsopenup?Ireally,reallywanttoseethathappen.

John:Oh,absolutely.Butfornowlet'stakestockofwhatwehave,andwhatwecandoanddosomething.Itdoesn'thavetobeperfectorgame-changing.AndIthinkifitletsusworkthatcreativemuscleabitthenthat'sgood.“That'sgoodenough”ismypitch.Ialsosuggestweavoidvideoentirely.

Lillian:Oh,pleaseyes.Andwhateveritis,canitbelive?IjustwanttofeellikeI'mconnectingwithsomeone.Imeannooffence,butyou'retheonlypersonI'vetalkedtoinages.

John:Wow.Uh,sometaken.Butyes,yeswecandosomethinglive.OurstatementwasWIDEopen.

Lillian:Okay.OhthanksJohn.Thatsoundslikeaplan.Justoutofcuriosity...youdon'thaveaccesstoababywecouldaudit?

John:I...donot.

Lillian:Toobad.ActV—LifeAdvicefromtheSlipstreamGoose(SaxophoneMusicPlays.)

MCLillian:GoodeveningandwelcometoLifeAdviceFromtheSlipstreamGoose.

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MCJohn:Theshowwherewe’realllearningtorideeasyontheupdrafts.

MCLillian:Let'sgotoourfirstcaller.ChelseafromEdmonton,You'reontheair.What’syour

question?

Chelsea:Hi!Um,witheverythingthat’sgoingonthesedaysI’mfeelingprettystuck.SoIguessI’mwondering,howdoIgetmyselftoactuallydothethingsthatIshoulddo?MCJohn:Isn'tthatTHEquestion.Butitisn'tforustoanswer...MCLillian:Let'sgotothegoose.

(Honkingsoundeffect.)MCLillian:ThanksforcallinginChelsea.Nextup,we’vegotMartinfromArdrossan...

(Endcreditsmusicplays.)

Credits

Paul:Pitch,PleasewascreatedbyPaulBlinov,ChristineLesiak,andSuzieMartinaspartofthe“EscapeSeries”fundedbytheCitadelTheatre,theEdmontonArtsCouncil,andtheEdmontonCommunityFoundation.Christine:AudioproductionandmixingwasdonebyAndrewPaul.Paul:ThisprojectwascreatedandrecordedonTreaty6territory.Christine:WeacknowledgethisisthetraditionalhomelandofmanyIndigenousPeoples,includingCree,Nakota,Saulteaux,Blackfoot,Dene,andMétis,andastreatypeople,wesharetheresponsibilityforstewardshipofthisland.Paul:MusicfeaturedincludesSopranoSaxsolobyVedas,andthismusicplayingrightnowisthestereomodremixoffoolboymedia’sNewYorkJazzLoop,bothfromfreesound.org.

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Christine:Someadditionaltitlesforsockpuppetmusicalsareasfollows:AChorusLaundryLine.Paul:TheSoundofMusock.Christine:IntotheWools.Paul:LesMiseRuffles.Christine:TheKing&Kneehigh.Paul:DearEvanHandstitch.Christine:andMarySockins.