Emotional Narrative Psychology

8/13/2019 Emotional Narrative Psychology

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Introduction: Lately I have been talking with my friends about their emotionalproblems. Out of these talks I have developed this work which outlines a kind ofpsychology that addresses their emotions and underlying narratives and beliefs theyhave about themselves, which in turn affects their emotions. It is kind of an

emotional narrative Psychology so for a lack of a better word and out of convenienceI just call it Emotional arrative Psychology, or just EP for short. It is not an originaltheory or method per se. It is more of a mi!ture of different psychological theoriesand ideas that I have adopted, adapted and pieced together to form a fairly coherentmodel that is easy to understand and implement. "he main benefit of EP is that itcan be used to help change a person#s narrative of reality and therefore change theiremotions. It consists of si! main emphases of which a person must be familiar withto practice. "hree parts of EP are theoretical and three parts are practical and areused in therapy.

Practical Use:EP can be used to help identify emotional problems that a personis having and treat a person so that they no longer are being affected by negativeemotions. $t the same time, this theory is only really designed for emotions and tosome e!tent the philosophies and narratives of a person with a problem, whichmeans that this type of psychology is %uite limited in scope in that it is not used totreat any kind of major psychological disorder. It can however be used tosupplement and aid many other psychological treatments and methods.

The Theory Part 1:"he first part of the theory I would like to discuss deals withdifferent levels of dependence, but before doing that it is important to mention howdependence can vary in a person#s life and how no one person is perfect in allaspects of their life. &hile writing in his book about Integral Psychology,A BriefHistory ofEverything,'en &ilbur hasdemonstrated how a person in one area oftheir life might be %uite advanced but in another area underdeveloped. $ goode!ample of this and in the spirit of this essay could be how a person might be verydependent on another person financially, and in relationships with their family be%uite independent, but yet in relationships with teammates in their favorite sport bevery much interdependent.

One possible way to diagram a person and their different areas of life would be to

use the following diagram. Diagram 1: Areas of Life


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In the diagram above, each protruding section is representative an area of concernin a person#s life. (ome areas might be bigger and more important, and some areless. $s we shall discuss shortly these different areas can be even furtherdiagrammed to show the levels of dependence that intertwine a person#s life whenthey form relationships with other people.

(o not only does a person have different areas of life, but they are also either moredeveloped or less developed in each area. One way to think about this would be in

relationship to levels of dependency. I first became familiar with this concept whenstudying psychology as an undergraduate at Oklahoma (tate )niversity, but latergave more thought to it while earning a graduate certificate in peace and conflictstudies at the )niversity of 'ansas. "his theory deals with different levels ofdependency includingco-dependence,independence, andinterdependence."hese different stages of development can apply to multiple facets of life. (o whatare these terms and what do they mean*

"he following definitions are taken from +elanie "onieavans website forconvenience, but are generally thought to be this by many different authors on thesubject. http--www.melanietoniaevans.com-articles-codependenceindependence.htm

Co-dependencecan e ter!ed as:relying on others to provide what we arenot providing for ourselves. Obviously as new born babies we are e!tremelycodependent. &e have no ability to provide safety, survival needs andemotional sustenance for ourselves. In our codependent stages of life weare totally vulnerable and all of our trust is placed on the actions andresources of others. &e, on our own, are powerless.

Independencecan e ter!ed as:being selfreliant, selfempowered andcapable of providing our own needs, emotionally, mentally, physically andspiritually. $s we grow older we begin making progress towardsindependence. In our independent stages of life we build purpose, directionand trust for ourselves. &e are powerful within our own energy and know thatwe can rely on and provide for ourselves.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/codependence-independence.htmhttp://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/codependence-independence.htmhttp://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/codependence-independence.htmhttp://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/codependence-independence.htm


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Interdependencecan e ter!ed as:being a whole and balanced person whois able to share with and join in the healthy resources of life and others. "hisfacilitates an even greater e!pansion in life than the independent stage, aswe now have unlimited access to even more love, success and happiness

than we could have provided for ourselves.

If I can summari/e in my own words, the key is that in codependence we needanother to some e!tent. 'ey signs of codependence are if a person has to asksomebody else for permission to do something, if a person worries another mightsay no, or a person is afraid to do something because he or she is worried whatsomebody might say. If this is the case, then it can be argued that the person is codependent on another in some aspect of their life. People with whom we are codependent with can e!ert power over us and control us. Part of this has to do withweaknesses with who we are. "o use boundary language that I will discuss later, a

person that is codependent is 0thin skinned1 and is easily sensitive to many issues.$nother person can easily 0push their buttons1 and manipulate them. $nother way ofputting it would be to say that a person has 0holes in their boundary.1 "hese holesare areas of their self that are not complete and are vulnerable to others. "his will bediagramed later as an opening in the boundary.

In independency we gain freedom to do what we want and how we want in an aspectof our life. "his for many people, especially those that are codependent, is the goalin life, but it too has its drawbacks. People that are purely independent often lack thedeep connections with others that make us human. "o use boundary language that Iwill discuss later, the independent person has 0built up thick walls1 around

themselves to protect themselves from getting hurt, and while these walls allow aperson to 0blow off1 anything and 0not let it get to them1, at the same time it alsoprevents them from having meaningful deeply connected relationships. 2y closing ahole in one#s boundary in a specific area of life, a person moves from codependencyto independency. &hile this lessens their vulnerability, it at the same time reducestheir chances to have the connections and closeness that that vulnerability brought."his can be diagrammed later by a thick boundary.

In interdependency a person has become independent in an area of life, but nowseeks out the connection that they once knew in codependency, but without the painand suffering caused by personal boundaries being crossed in an offending manner.(o, an interdependent person is essentially approaching another person with anoffer saying, 0I am an independent person. I can take care of myself, so I really don#tneed anybody else in this area of my life, but regardless I am seeking to sharemyself with you. I believe that by opening myself up to you, I will show you myvulnerabilities and weaknesses, but that I am also trusting of you to not use theseagainst me, but instead to know my weaknesses and accept them and try to care forme. I will do the same for you by also respecting you and your vulnerabilities. If wecan do this, then I believe both of us will be stronger and better than we were beforewhen we were independent.1 "he interdependent person then gains the help andsupport of others that the independent person doesn#t have.

In opening oneself up to connection and mutual benefit of another, the person also


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opens themselves up to being vulnerable. "his kind of vulnerability is different thanthe type of vulnerability e!perienced in codependence though. In this type ofvulnerability a person can share their weaknesses, and the other instead ofmanipulating them or making them worse can act to help the person grow. (haring

this type of vulnerability in a trusting and caring environment also fosters a deep andmeaningful connection between the people involved. "his type of vulnerability will bediagrammed below as an opening in a boundary with a thick door guarding it. "heperson has control over the door to open up their vulnerability and share it or close it."his differs to that of the codependent person who has no control over theirboundary making them able to be hurt by others who are not acting to foster growth.

"he following is a diagram of how codependency, independency, andinterdependency can be mapped out. (ome of these mapping concepts were firstintroduced by 3r. Paul in his book "ind #$, but I have adapted them here to meetthe theories discussed above. In addition the concept of a fle!ible boundary has

been mapped out showing a person that 0can meet others halfway.1

Diagram 2: Dependency

It is therefore one of my goals when practicing EP to discover areas of a person#s

life in which they are either codependent or independent and help enable them towork towards interdependence in their relationships.

$n unhealthy person#s life relationships if diagramed might then look somethingsimilar to the ne!t diagram. In the following diagram a person in most of the areas oftheir life is codependent and has holes in their boundary. "hese holes are symbolicfor things that they don#t have control over and allow others to control even if it isagainst their best interest. In only a couple of the areas of life the person#s boundaryis being represented by a thick wall showing their independence or in one case adoorway showing their interdependence.

Diagram 3: Unhealthy Boundary


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&here as an ideal healthy person#s relationships, a person who is veryinterdependent and most aspects of life, might look like ne!t diagram. In thefollowing diagram a person#s boundaries for each aspect of life is represented by agateway demonstrating healthy interdependence with those around the person.

Diagram 4: Healthy Boundary

&hen a person is in a codependent relationship, they don#t have control over howreality affects their inner world. "heir ability to control what comes in or out of themfrom the outside world is compromised. Other#s words and actions can affect them,and often times this is in a negative way. egative and offending moments from

reality can cause a person to have their feelings hurt, their values changed, theirnarratives manipulated, and their beliefs in self deflated. (uch a person has lots of


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holes in their boundary of inner self. "hese openings make them vulnerable. "hiscan be diagrammed in the following way.

Diagram 5: Loss in odependency

In the ne!t e!ample we can see that a purely independent person theoretically hasbuilt the boundary of self so strong and impenetrable, that they are not affected byactions in reality whether for the good or the bad. &hen negative and offendingmoments happen the person#s strong boundary deflects them resulting in them notbeing affected.

Diagram !: "rotection in #ndependency


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4inally, the interdependent person can selectively allow feedback to enter into theirinner self. 2y entering into positive relationships with others, relationships that fostergrowth, they become better than who they were. 2y opening themselves up they aremaking a deep connection with another. $t the same time they are makingthemselves vulnerable in a similar manner to the codependent person, but in thissituation by e!pressing and showing their vulnerabilities to another, a person is ableto become better in different areas of their life including their feelings, values,narratives, and beliefs in self. In this case the vulnerability is actually embraced in a

way that allows a person to be stronger. "his of course can only happen if thevulnerability is respected and cared for by another instead of being abused. "hiscan be diagrammed as seen below.

Diagram $: %ain in #nterdependency


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One of the many goals then of EP is to help and aid a person in becoming less andless codependent and more and more interdependent with independency sometimesbeing a midpoint goal. "his can be done first by helping to strengthen a person ineach area of life. "his includes helping a person to define, discover, and developeach area of life in a way that not only allows them to become in tune with their corevalues, but also empowers them to fully live in tune with these values. $t times thismeans taking a stance that is against what their family, friends or society might havethem do, or what it is e!pected of them that they should do. "hese situations may be

difficult and stressful but in the end it is a step that they need to do in the path ofliving in tune with their true values.

In the end in a healthy individual, I think the person will have the power and skill setto say no to people that would manipulate and-or abuse them. "heir independencywill instead enable them to act in ways that works towards their selfpreservation,gain, and prosperity while being in line with their true values. $nd then ultimately ininterdependency they will be able to open up and share among others giving andreceiving empathy making connections. (uch relationships might very wellincorporate love, caring, and growth.

The Theory Part %:"his part of the theory is based roughly off of a concept I was


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first introduced to by 3r. Paul 3obransky. I had discovered his concepts ofboundaries while reading his ebook called "ind #$. 3r. Paul 3obranskyspeciali/es in relationship advice and counseling.

3r. Paul, as he likes to be called, introduced ideas of personal boundaries visuallymapped out, some of these are similar to the diagrams seen previously, but othersare different. "his concept is %uite complicated, but 3r. Paul has gone to greatlengths to simplify it. I had long been aware that many of my own psychologicalproblems and drug addiction had been caused by underlying unconsciouspsychological-emotional troubles and that I had to a large e!tent eventually come toterms and peace with these issues within myself, but hadn#t ever been able to %uiteso clearly put all the pieces together until reading 3r. Paul#s e!planations of his viewsof psychology. I was also additionally impressed with his ability to draw images onpaper using circles to make simple but effective and powerful twodimensionaldiagrams of comple! psychological phenomena.

2ut while 3r. Paul mainly dealt in diagrams dealing with a single main boundary, Ifind it much more accurate, if not also unfortunately more complicated to e!pandupon his ideas. I prefer to use boundaries to describe different areas of life asshown previously, but also to use three boundaries to describe any one area of aperson#s life at any given time. "his would be like taking any one are of a person#slife which is just one part of the diagrams dealing with the multifacets of life and/ooming in to one of the parts closely to only then e!amine its parts, which I thendiagram into three sections. "hese three sections or boundaries are the 0ideal selfboundary line1 or who a person thinks they are in their mind, the 0reality feedbackboundary line1 or what feedback reality is giving to them about who they really are,and their 0action line1 or how they are actually acting at a given moment.

$n important factor that distinguishes 3r. Paul#s diagrams between my diagrams ismy incorporation of the ideal self line and how it is positioned in relationship to thereality feedback line. I firmly believe many if not most emotional problems initiallyarise because these two lines are in conflict.

&hile the action line is how a person acts, and the reality feedback line is literally thefeedback being given to a person by reality, the ideal self line is much morecomplicated. 4or starters the ideal self line mainly pertains to deeply held narratives,

some of which may even be subconscious. "his is not necessarily what a personthinks about him or herself. "his difference is often over looked, but I believe ispowerful and a key to understanding human nature. "he difference could behighlighted as the difference between what a person thinks logically and what aperson really believes. It is actually a person#s deeply held beliefs, which are moreof a narrative of a situation that determines how a person will act most of the timerather than their thoughts which reside on a more surface level.

$n e!ample of this could be of a person that is about to go bungee jumping or someother very safe but yet nonetheless threatening endeavor. $ person that is ready tojump e!periences intense emotions. "his is because their deeply held beliefs hold

that if they fall, they will get hurt. "his has been proven to them time and time againthroughout their life. Logically and intellectually they can deduce that if they jump,


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they will be fine, but deep down inside a belief or narrative still e!ists that if they fall,they will get hurt. "his belief e!ists and perseveres despite the person logicallyknowing it is not true. 2efore a person jumps, they will have a conflict of narrativesin their mind, one will be an old e!isting deeply held narrative that falling e%uals hurt.

"his will be challenged by a new reality feedback that jumping in this situation hasbeen safe for others. "his feedback results in a thought that it must therefore besafe for them too. "he new reality feedback and resulting thoughts will be in directconflict with the old beliefs causing intense an!iety. 4or those that jump, the newreality feedback and subse%uent thoughts have formed a new narrative that hasbeen strong enough to challenge the old narrative, and if they are indeed safe, thenpart of that old narrative in almost all cases is changed resulting in the lead up tosuccessive jumps becoming easier and easier. 4or a person that at the last momentchanges their mind and doesn#t jump, the old ideal self narrative stating that fallinge%uals pain and therefore should not be attempted has won out in the end.

"his is just one e!ample, but many e!amples can be given to describe almost anyphobia, even the irrational ones. Irrational phobias happen whenever a person forwhatever reason gains a narrative that something bad will happen even thoughreality can give them many instances in which things will be okay. On an intellectuallevel a person can easily process why they should not be afraid, yet their phobia andits narrative negative narrative still e!ists.

"he common e!ample of somebody who is afraid to fly in an airplane is anothergood e!ample. (uch a person can logically and rationally tell other#s that flying isstatistically safe, even safer than other forms of travel they do on a regular basis, yetthey still cannot bring themselves to board a plane. "his is because of a deepresiding belief held in their ideal self narrative that says if they fly they will be hurt."herefore whenever they think about flying in an airplane, they e!perience intensean!iety.

"hese are classic e!amples of how a person#s thoughts can be of one thing, but yetmore deeply held narratives hold onto an opposing idea causing an emotionalreaction.

I would like to chart a few simple e!amples of how the different boundaries can alignand how different emotions might then result as an outcome. I would like to start

very simply at first with just a couple of basic two line diagrams. "hese first twosimple diagrams represent a loss and a gain.

Diagram &: Basic Loss and %ain Boundaries


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In the basic gain diagram a person#s ideal self line is small. "here reality feedbackline is large. "his represents something in reality happening to a person that isbetter than what they think they deserve, which in turn causes a feeling of gain.

"he opposite diagram is the diagram of loss. In the basic loss diagram a person hasa reality feedback that sends a message to them that they are actually less than theybelieved they were. "his results in a feeling of loss.

I believe that all positive emotions have a feeling of gain associated with them, andall negative emotions have as feeling of loss associated with them. 2ut as we allknow emotions are actually much more complicated than just a simple feeling of lossor gain.

"he following e!amples diagram a way a person can become angry, depressive, orshy.

Diagram ': #deal self( Action( and )eality *eed+ac, Boundaries

In the $ngry Person diagram the blue line of reality feedback is much lower than thegreen line of action and the red line of ideal self. In this diagram the green line of


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how they are acting is on the inside of the red line, but for the e!ample of anger thisis not an e!act re%uirement, but I did put it there for convenience. 5It often seems inmany cases that the ideal self line and the action line are similarly aligned. "hismakes sense as people often act how they believe.6 "he key to this diagram is that

the reality feedback line is far inside the other lines causing a basic loss. "he personin this situation in an area of life will have a vision 5or narrative6 of who they thinkthey are and what they believe they can do, but reality will be giving them feedbackin a forceful way opposing their narrative. "he difference between the feedback fromreality and the internal narrative of a person, the ideal self image, causes stress."he stress a person feels is a literal stress of the two differing lines pushing andpulling on each other. In the case of this diagram, the stress will be manifested asanger. If angry people are e!amined, it can be found that what is happening is notcongruent with what they believe should be happening. "his simple diagram startsto demonstrate that. +any other factors are in play but on a deep internal level, theybelieve that reality should be bigger and better than what it really is.

In the (hy Low (elfEsteem Person diagram almost the e!act opposite is happening.7eality is actually sending signals that a person can have more freedom than whatthey are acting like, but because of a belief that they are not good enough, they don#tact. In this case, the small red circle of ideal self is causing stress on them to not actas much as they could. "he red circle of ideal self is pulling on the green circle ofaction keeping it down through stress. In part, the person knows they could havemore freedom, but are limited in a painful manner by a limiting narrative of ideal self.

"he (hy - $n!iety diagram shows a more rare type of person that has a small greenline of action, while the blue line of reality is larger. In theory it might seem that theycould act more freely, but in reality his or her acting shy, or basically limiting his orher actions, is a selfdefense mechanism used to avoid getting hurt. In this case aperson#s narrative of ideal self is larger than the feedback given by reality. If theperson actually acted the way they believed, they would be in conflict with the realityaround them. In actuality this scenario would have played out many times in theirpast causing them to get hurt. (o instead knowing that when they act the way theybelieve they will get hurt, the shy-an!iety person acts very shy as a selfdefensemechanism of not having ideal self#s boundary conflict with reality#s feedback. It is tosome e!tent a successful coping mechanism for in the short term not having realitygive feedback that restricts their actions 5as they have already restricted it

themselves voluntarily6. )nfortunately in the long term it still leads to problems astheir ideal self image and reality feedback are not congruent.

+ost 0coping1 mechanisms can be diagramed illustrating gaps between boundarylines that the coping mechanism helps them patch or attempt to fuse. )nfortunately,coping mechanisms do not actually adjust poorly placed ideal self boundaries whichare the core cause of the problem. In fact they might sometimes lead to theboundaries getting more out of balanced as it temporarily removes the checkingsystem causing the stress or tension in the boundaries that forcefully holds themtogether to be temporarily displaced8 thus in the long run e!asperating the situation.

In an individual that is healthy and 0wellbalanced1 what is well balanced are theconcepts of boundaries8 who a person thinks they are, how a person acts, and the


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feedback given to the person by reality is congruent. "his type of person does nothave stress from different boundaries conflicting with each other. 0(tress1 as it isreferred to on collo%uial language is actually on a psychological level two differentboundary lines pulling and pushing on each other causing tension. $s these

psychological boundaries are forced to move and resist, this is felt with in one#sconsciousness as stress.

$dditionally, often times it is said about a person 0that they accept1 themselves.&hat is really meant by this in reference to the diagrams is that a person isaccepting how their actions, reality feedback, and ideal self interact and overlap.

The Theory Part &: 9aving given thought about emotion, I have come to believethere are : broad spectrums of emotions. "his idea stems from e!periences I havehad from many years of teaching foreign languages at the university level and indifferent countries, as well as studying different foreign languages. It seems a little

bit like common sense, but I have observed that most languages have grammartenses that are grouped into present tenses, past tenses, and future tenses. "his isa fairly common feature across most language families. I firmly believe this isbecause languages have evolved to reflect certain ultimate concerns of humans, butit is these same concerns that also effect emotions. It is logical then to theori/e thatlike unto a similar fashion that languages are represented in tenses, emotions too ifdriven by the same concerns can also be broadly grouped into a tense like structure.I have therefore made a chart of the : broad spectrums of emotions. One a!is ofthis chart takes into consideration concepts of past, present, and future that arefundamental in a human#s mind in creating narratives of how they construct andunderstand reality. "he other a!is of this chart deals with the concepts of basic lossand gain mentioned above, but loss and gain are not that only possibilities. It is alsopossible for a person to be in a static state of being in which they are note!periencing significant losses or gains, so that has been also included in the chart.

"his last category of static emotions are the ones that I think are the least likely forpeople to focus on and thus they have the smallest set of vocabulary to draw frombecause as languages developed and concerns were being e!pressed the concernsof losses or gains came to the center of attention. Oftentimes people are focusednot on maintaining a static state of being, although there are some cultures andreligions, some aspects of 2uddhism being one that teach this, but instead people

are often motivated to either act in a way so that they avoid loss, or act in a way thatthey will work towards gains. It is therefore the reason that most emotions beinge!pressed in languages deal with loss or gains. I find this interesting because whilestatic emotions are the least e!pressed, I feel like they are also the most commonlye!perienced.

hart 1: ' -ey .motions

'ocus(concern )oss $tatic *ain

Past depression acceptance of pastsatisfaction,fulfill!ent

re+oice, re!inisce


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Present disco!fort acceptance ofpresentcal!, content

happy, +oyful

'uture aniety acceptance offuture

co!placentI.! o/ay 0iththat2

hope, ecite!ent

(ince emotions are generally understood by people in society, but also verysubjective and hard to define, I have found very little research into defining theemotions and then charting the relationships between them. In fact it wasn#t easy tocome up with the chart above, nor do I believe that everyone#s definitions of theemotions listed above will makes sense to them as placed in the chart. everthelessI think considering how subjective emotions are, the above chart#s : core emotionshave been placed fairly accurately. I also believe that these : emotions are to a

large e!tent at the core of all emotional e!periences, much in the same way thatloss, gain, and being static are at the root of the emotions in this chart.

Each one of these root-master emotions takes many forms depending on thecircumstances. +any other factors in turn influence these different emotionsbranching them out and making them into a myriad of emotions that we has humansfeel. "hese influential factors are all influenced by our narratives about the situation."hese narratives include, but may not be limited to internal-e!ternal motivation,internal-e!ternal fault narratives, global-personal narratives, controlling-beingcontrolled narratives, and acceptance-judgment narratives. Each narrative and howa person perceives what is happening will then in turn take the root core emotion andchange it to some e!tent8 this acts as a filter in a way. ;ombining different narrativesor filters then gives a person a wide variety of emotions.

4or the purpose of this essay the three static and gain emotions are not discussed indepth as they for the most part don#t cause problems in a person#s life, where as theloss emotions of depression, discomfort, and an!iety do. In addition while the lossemotions are very identifiable and real to people as they are often strong and clear,the gain emotions are less so, and the static emotions are even more vague anddifficult to define, yet of course we all know it when we feel it.

If somebody is in a static state with regards to boundaries in all three of the past,present, and future, they are likely to say something similar to 0I#m okay with that.1"here are many words in the English language to indicate that like the followingacceptance, fulfillment, contentment, and satisfaction. "here are even morecollo%uial phrases and e!pressions to communicate ones static emotional state. (tillmost words or e!pressions that e!press static states of the past, present, or futureare vague. "his is because such static emotions do not cause the intensity that theloss or even the gain emotions do. "herefore the English language hasn#t evolvedenough to warrant a clear delineation.

(ince the loss emotions are ones that often cause focused on with the intent of

changing them, I have made diagrams about these emotions, which not onlydescribe the emotion, but possible constructive and destructive outcomes. "he


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In the diagram the first thing that is represented is that a negative reality feedbackhas happened to a person in the past, a feedback that often times cannot bechanged. "his is represented by the red arrow inside the depression circle. 2utinside a person, the ideal self strives to hold onto a narrative that e!isted prior to thenegative feedback, a narrative that was enriching to the person enlarging their senseof self.

If the person resists accepting a new narrative, one that incorporates the negativereality feedback circumstance, they can develop an!iety about their depression. $tthe same time, if a person chooses to repress the event, not to think about it at alland just pretend and act as they did before the feedback, then they most likely

5assuming that there isn#t a change in the negative reality feedback6 e!perience evenmore depression later.

"he main way to deal with such depressions is to accept the negative realityfeedback, in effect, redefining one#s image of ideal self to be smaller and not as free.If this is done a person will have a smaller self image, but the person will have ahigher ratio of positive self regard in him or herself, and the lines of ideal self andreality feedback will become congruent causing the person to have less stress. "hisresults in peace, even if it is a more limited view of ideal self.

One other option does e!ist, but I have not labeled it on the diagram as it is more

complicated and often times unsuccessful. In this option instead of trying to accept anegative reality feedback, a person seeks to find the cause of the negative feedback


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and change it in a proactive manner to one in which will be more enriching to theperson. In reality, people often try this. "hey either run away from the negativefeedback or try to manipulate it into meeting their needs. If it is possible to find asolution that not only enriches oneself, but also the source of the negative feedback,

then by all means I suggest doing it. )nfortunately, my e!perience has been thatmany people often go about this with an unhealthy strategy.

It also seems like most reality feedbacks that are negative e!ists for some reasonand to some e!tent are founded in some kind of truth or as a product of a workingsystem, in either case, they will be difficult to permanently change in a constructivemanner. I instead advocate accepting the hard truths and cold ways of reality andlearning to live within.

B3 4isco!fort

"he ne!t negative emotion is that of discomfort. "his happens in the presentmoment when a person is dealing with an issue that is causing a perceived loss tothem in some way.

Diagram 11: Discomfort0#rritation


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In the above diagram the first thing that happens is that an outside stimulusthreatens the ideal self boundary. "his is represented by the red arrow going down."his is e!perienced in the moment and is e!perienced initially at its root form as atype of discomfort. "he process that is taking place is that the reality feedback of the

situation is less than what a person#s ideal self narrative would prefer. In simpleterms, reality is found lacking.

$ few possible scenarios can take place when this happens. "he first and bestpossibility is that a person accepts that reality is not actually lacking, but instead thattheir e!pectations of reality are unrealistic. $fter accepting the situation on its ownterms, they can then calmly and rationally make a plan to change the situation in away that might be more desirable. If the person has a lot of education ande!perience in dealing with situations similar to the one causing the discomfort,basically if they are wise, they might easily be able to act constructively. If they don#tthey might try to repress the irritation and go on with their life.

If they repress the irritation, it might on its own terms go away, but those terms willbe out of the control of the person e!periencing the discomfort, and it isunpredictable. "his method of handling discomfort is very common when dealingwith the small irritations of daily life. If a person set out to try and fi! every little thingthat irritated them, they might not actually ever get anything done. "he problem withthis method of basically ignoring and outlasting discomforts is that sometimes theydon#t go away and instead get stronger. If the source of the discomfort does not goaway and one does nothing to handle it, a person may e!perience depression aboutthe issue.

$nother and very common reaction would be for a person to think that the discomfort


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was an unjust discomfort. "his is %uite sensible in a certain sense. $ person hashad past e!periences, these past e!periences have shaped their narratives of theworld, and these narratives of the world have helped shape their subse%uent actions.(o a person is regularly acting in a way that they think will bring a certain outcome,

one that likely avoids past discomforts. If that outcome does not happen in the waythey e!pected, and they feel like it is unjust, then they might likely e!perience anger.

Once a person is angry, they will be faced with different situations. One of these is toact destructively, which I will discuss more below. Often times though a person hasreali/ed that acting in anger more times than not in many certain types of situationsleads to negative conse%uences. "hese people then choose to not act and represstheir anger. In doing this, they sometimes can then make a constructive decision,but if they don#t make a constructive decision and just completely repress their angertwo things can happen. In one case, the problem can alleviate itself from outsidepressures, or it can persist. If the problem persists and doesn#t go away, a person

will suffer depression. If the problem goes away, then a person will feel as ifrepressing their anger was the right thing to do. In reality, while repressing angercan end up in certain situations bringing success, it is not the ideal way to act. "heideal way to act as mentioned above would be to either in the first place not getangry and act constructively, or once angry to try to calm oneself and then actassertively and constructively.

In other cases sometimes acting destructively in anger can have a desired result, butthis is often times as a result of another#s actions. In addition when actingdestructively in anger achieves its goal, it often does so in a situation that is not winwin. 2elow is a diagram highlighting the role of the other when reacting to anger.

Diagram 13: thers )eaction to Anger


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$s shown in the diagram, it can be seen why anger is often productive, at least in theshort run. &hen a person gets angry, the other person might either give in or act ina constructive way seeking out and finding a winwin solution that the angry personcould not find. In both of these scenarios, the person that got angry won and gotwhat they wanted. )nfortunately, when the person gives in, this is a winloserelationship with the other person losing. +ost people in an 0other1 role will not allowthis type of relationship to continue and it will often lead to resentment and furtherdestructive behavior. "he benefit in anger in these two scenarios is that the angry

person has effectively challenged the constricting and deflating reality check andwon. 2y forcefully fighting the reality check and defending it off, the ideal self linehas defended its boundary and maintained its narrative of the world. )nfortunately, ifthe other person was giving in and not finding a constructive solution, defense of thereality check is short lived and to some e!tent illusionary.

In another scenario, a person can flee a relationship. "hey can end the relationshipin effect 0burning the bridge1 that connects them. "his is an unhealthy outcome andis a loselose result as both parties are now e!isting in a world that does not offer thelost resources of the other.

In the last scenario, the other acts destructively. "his too is of course a loseloserelationship.


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an!iety in a person will also grow. If the person represses the an!iety enough, it willresurface as depression and the person will regret in the future not having acted inthe past in a positive way in the first place.

On the other hand the pressure of the stress can grow. "his happens because thenarrative of a perceived loss attempts to adjust the pree!isting narrative that wasmore free and larger. "he two narratives have tension against one another. "hiscauses stress and pressure. "his pressure if not repressed can result in a personacting impulsively. "his often times will mean a person acting in a fight or flightmanner, which is usually destructive and harmful. On occasion the impulsive actionturns out to be positive. "his is often due to the fact that the other recogni/es aperson acting wildly and impulsive and attempts to take control of the situation in awinwin scenario.

In such a situation in which a person acted impulsively, but another was able to

guide them to a winwin solution, the person e!periencing an!iety can gain a positivee!perience and wisdom, thus allowing them to increase their confidence the ne!ttime they are confronted with a similar situation.

Ideally though, a person does not have to suffer through many mishaps andmisadventures trying to stumble upon a correct way to deal with a stress of opposingfuture narratives or have somebody else figure their problem and the solution out forthem. Ideally a person can learn to act proactively, consciously, and constructively.If a person has lots of education, knowledge, or wisdom about a situation and hase!perience with that situation, they will be able to act in a constructive manner. Evenif a person has not been in a certain situation before, but they have knowledge ande!perience that they are able to pull from other areas of their life, it is possible forthem to act in new and novel ways that are constructive and winwin.

$ key then to dealing with an!iety is to change one#s ideal self boundary narrativebeliefs and actions. &ith an!iety there is a tension between multiple differentnarratives a future self. If outside factors don#t change, and if a person does notchange internally, then the an!iety persists. $ person therefore can wait for e!ternalfactors to change, hopefully in their favor, but often times not, or they can make achange inside of him or herself. 9opefully this change is to act consciously andconstructively and not in an impulsive, destructive, or in a fleeing manner.

The Practice Part 1: In the previous sections different boundaries anddependencies have been discussed. ow I will attempt to give a few suggestionsamong many how out of balance boundaries and unhealthy dependencies can beaddressed to help a person achieve fulfillment.

Ideal $elf Boundary:In EP a main boundary I try to address is the boundary ofideal self. "his is because it is the boundary that is mainly constructed in a person#smind. "he boundary of ideal self can be changed in many ways that might enrich aperson#s life. $dditionally, often times when an ideal self boundary is changed, then

the person#s actions in the future will also change, in effect adjusting the actionboundary line. It is possible to just change the action line and only the action line to


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achieve a positive goal, but a person might not feel congruent in doing so, but if theideal self boundary line is changed, in affect changing how a person views asituation and what they ultimately believe about it, then their behavior often changesnaturally on its own to congruently meet their new worldview.

4or instance, an ideal self boundary that is not well defined or has many holes in itwill lead to a person being codependent. $ person in this situation does not knowwhat they want and is easily directed by other people. "his direction on the otherparty#s part may or may not even be intentional and-or constructive. If it isconstructive then the codependent person ends up more fulfilled, but sadly if isn#t,whether it is intentional or unintentional, the person ends up hurt.

"o strengthen the boundary of ideal self a person can more clearly define who theyare in the world, what they prefer, and what they want to do. I once regularly did thisby asking myself the following %uestions.

. &hat do I want to be*?. 9ow can I do that*@. &hat is my plan*

I found this method very useful for allowing me to e!amine my situation very clearlyand make plans to achieve goals that I wanted. "his system of %uestions sets todefine clear objectives and make action plans to achieve them. In a way, I think thismethodology of thinking for many people is %uite normal and often successful iffollowed through. )nfortunately, I do also believe it is flawed and often simplydoesn#t work.

Later in life I learnt through books like *etting To 6esby 7oger 4isher and &illiam)ry, two 9arvard professors, that making set goals and trying to achieve them willnot always make us happy. I believe part of the reason this is true is because whatwe think we want and what will really make us happy are often very different things.In this book, I learnt that getting beyond the language of objectives and insteadtalking about core interests 5or 0needs1 as in A; language, which will be discussedlater6 a person can really come to terms with what they really want, not just what

they think they want.

;onsidering this, I have adapted the original set of %uestions above and now use amuch more complicated method of defining ideal self boundaries and clarifying it.&hile being lengthier, it also proves to work much better.


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with others, writing and journaling, and soul searching. 5In this step, I often askmyself 0&hy*1 over and over again concerning a goal-issue-objective to find out thecore reason-value-need behind the goal.6?. I then consider other possible scenarios, not just the original goals that I started

out with. I try to imagine other scenarios and outcomes that might meet these coreneeds, or match my core values. 5"his differs from step ? above as now instead oftrying to figure out different ways to achieve one set goal, I now try to figure outmany different ways that would meet my core values and needs.6@. I then consider making a plan that will not just meet some objective that I originallywanted, but instead one that will fulfill my inner most needs and conform to myhighest held values. "he final plan might end up being considerably different thanthe original plan, but might also be easier and more in tune with my needs andvalues.

I find that working through these steps with my friends also yields valuable insights to

them about their real nature of their ideal self and allows them to act more inaccordance with ideal self.

Action Boundary: In addition to addressing the ideal self boundary, I can also helpmy friends by discussing their actions and their action boundary line. Often timeswhen a person#s action boundary and reality feedback boundary are in conflict witheach other, they get hurt. $fter discovering a person#s core values and needs usingthe method above, we can then discuss a constructive plan. "his new plan willhopefully allow them to act in a new way, one that will hopefully have better realityfeedbacks. Especially when the person has been in winlose or loselose situations,it has been hard for the person to find a well thought out constructive plan that is winwin without knowing one#s core needs and values, but after going through theprocess of e!amining and discovering the core needs and values of my friends, Ioftentimes need not even discuss making a plan with them. Once they reali/e whothey are deep inside, a new plan on how to act and what to do in a situation thensuddenly becomes clear to them. If a person has discovered and meditated on theirtrue core values and needs, and then tried to think of a new way to act but has failedand entered into additional interactions with others that cause further loss, then e!trasuggestions can be given on how to act that will be in tune with everyone#s needsand values. In such situations where a person now knows who they are but keepson trying different action plans to meet their needs and the needs of others but still

fails, I try to brainstorm new and radically different sets of action plans that still meeteveryone#s needs.

7eality 'eedac/ Boundary: "he third way of addressing boundaries would be toreinterpret the narrative of a reality feedback. Oftentimes what a person thinks ishappening to them is not actually what is happening to them. &ays to go aboutrethinking and reframing a narrative will be discussed later in this work, but to makea %uick e!ample if a person has become paranoid and feels like their ideal self isbeing threatened, I might ask for e!amples of how this is happening and look toe!amine if they are really being threatened or not. If it turns out that they were notreally being threatened but only imagined it, and then reali/e this, then they can

adjust the interpretation of their reality feedback line and as a result change how theyview and feel about a situation.


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The Practice Part %:&hen talking to my friends, I use two methods to help themdiscuss and uncover their emotional problems. "he first of these is onAiolent

;ommunication or as it is better known as A;. A; is a method of conversingwith people developed by 3r. +arshal 7osenberg. 9e has developed a useful andefficient system of talking to people in a way so that when talking to a person youcan help them identify their feelings and needs. I have found that oftentimes aperson doesn#t know what their feelings and needs really are, but that once theyhave been identified, they can understand more about themselves and possiblyothers that they are in conflict with. 3r. 7osenberg has regularly found that whenpeople that are in conflict become truly aware of each other#s needs and acceptthose needs, then conflict resolutions, even in long standing serious conflicts, areoften resolved %uickly. http--en.wikipedia.org-wiki-onviolentB;ommunication

I think that it is generally accepted and not controversial that humans are intellectual,emotional, physical, religious, and se!ual beings. I have found A; especially usefulbecause in life I had little guidance on how to handle and process emotions. I wentto school to get an education increasing my intellect. I went to church to learn aboutCod increasing my spirituality. I went to counselors and $$ to help get me cleanfrom abusing substances thus increasing my mental health. I go to the hospital formy physical health, and for se!uality, I was able to take a class in university and readmany books written by e!perts. In all these aspects of life and many others, thereare important institutions to help us cope with life and prepare us, but not so muchwith emotions. It is widely acknowledged and known that we are all very emotionalbeings, yet so little time is put into actually fostering emotional wisdom andunderstanding. &ith the wisdom found in A; and other books like 3r. Coleman#sbook E!otional IntelligenceI have found that my life has been greatly enriched.

"he second method I use to talk to people is clean language. ;lean language allowsme to ask %uestions to my friend in a way that lets them deeper e!plore theproblems they are having. +y intention when using clean language is to givemoments back of reflective listening, so that the person might then elaborate onthem more. "he following &ikipedia article gives a good introduction on cleanlanguage. &hen a person is able to talk about and issue with another usingreflective language, they are often times able to discuss the matter more in depth

and with better understanding. "his can lead them to have new insights processingthe situation in newer and better ways that they weren#t able to do prior to discussingthe problem. http--en.wikipedia.org-wiki-;leanBlanguage

The Practice Part &:Once I have talked with my friend about their emotions andhave tried to figure out what is happening from a perspective of dependency andboundaries, I try to discuss with them their situation in life in a manner that helpsthem to gain a new narrative on the events they are e!periencing. It is my hope thatby gaining a new narrative that my friend will have an adjustment of boundaries andtherefore different emotional reactions to different situations.

"his can happen in different ways. Often, most importantly, a person can adjust their
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communicationhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clean_languagehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communicationhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clean_language


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. 9ow do you act when you believe this thought*

?. &ho would you be without this thought*

Lastly, she invites people to take a step to turn that thought around.

(he states that when a person believes a bad thought about themselves or theirreality, they limit themselves and holds themselves down. "his would be diagramedabove by having a smaller ideal self boundary line in comparison to the actionboundary line and the reality feedback boundary line.

(ometimes though a person over e!tends their boundary as e!pressed in thediagrams above so that their boundaries are intertwined with others. "his could be

the angry person diagram shown earlier. 'atie mentions that there are only threekinds of business. "hese are !y usiness, your usiness, and *od.s usiness.(he insists that people should tend only to their own business as that is what theyhave power over. If a person is able to untangle their boundaries from others thatthey have been intertwined with in codependent relationships, then they are settingthemselves free. &hile many theories only go about addressing what is happening,'atie#s 0work1 is impressive in that it offers a person a method of how to go aboutfreeing the mind. "he following is a video of 'atie being interviewed by Oprah andusing her work to help address issues with Oprah#s self image.http--flvvm.oprah.com-podcast-!m-ss-bk=-ssvidPodBbk=.m?v

The $u!!ary: 'ulfill!ent$ simple chart can be made summari/ing and containing the different theoreticalideas mentioned in this essay. 4ulfillment is achieved by having good decisionmaking, knowing and understanding oneself, having good emotions and happiness,and being in positive social relationships.

Diagram 1!: *ulfillment
http://flv-vm.oprah.com/podcast/xm/ss/bk2/ss-vidPod_bk2.m4vhttp://flv-vm.oprah.com/podcast/xm/ss/bk2/ss-vidPod_bk2.m4v


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"he diagram can be summari/ed by the following. 9aving good emotions andhappiness comes from accepting losses in the past, and learning how to actconstructively in the present and future to deal with discomfort and an!iety.

'nowing oneself comes from finding out one#s core values and needs and thenmaking a plan to act on them in addition to clearly defining one#s preferences andidentity. +any people don#t know who they truly are or what they truly want in life.2y understanding one#s core values and needs a person can then make a clear planof action to act in a manner that brings fulfillment. "his also helps them move fromcodependency to independency to interdependency.

2eing able to make a good decision comes from having both ample e!perience and


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education to deal with a situation. +any people might often fail because they eitherdo not have either first the education to know how to handle a situation, or if they dothey don#t have the e!perience. &ith enough education and e!perience a personcan take a situation in which they previously failed in and turn it into a success.

Once a person has balanced their emotions, knows who they are, and has learnthow to make good decisions, they can seek out positive interdependent socialrelationships with others that also know who they are 5and sometimes even otherparties that haven#t been able to achieve all this6. "ogether they can actconstructively in a winwin relationship achieving growth and fulfillment for all parties.

5onclusion:2y using EP a person can talk with another and identify their feelings,needs, circumstances, and relationships to others around them. Once this hashappened narratives that are conflicting in a person#s life in certain situations in

certain aspects of life can be challenged and addressed. Once a person has a newworld view, they are likely to encounter similar situations, but with a newunderstanding, thus leading them to have different feelings.

Biliography:Paul 3obransky, "ind #$, ebook,


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Edit the 'ulfill!ent diagra! section so that it doesn.t use the 0ords!other2 or father2

I would like to talk about empathy in relationship to anger and how it is almostimpossible for two people to be angry at each other when they empathi/e with eachother.

I would like to define and chart the relationships of emotions and map how thedifferent boundary lines are at play.

I would like to discuss the nature of discomfort more.

I would like to e!tend the bibliography to additional things discussed in the essay.

if a person#s ideal self boundary has become too thick 5overly independent6, then Ican discuss ways with them that they might allow themselves to become more openin certain relationships in certain areas of their life to sharing their life with others.

"he ne!t way I help my friend#s change their narratives is through using LPreframing techni%ues. LP was founded by 7ichard 2andlar and 3r. Fohn Crinder inthe


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"wo basic tricks to remember are as follows. "he closer, and brighter, and biggerand object8 the more it is written in the subconscious as a good narrative. $t thesame time, the smaller, more black and white, and farther away something is in

visuali/ation8 the more likely it will be interpreted by the subconscious as a negativenarrative. ;reating two images in one#s mind and 0swishing1 them back and forth asit is called in LP language, one of a desired result and one of the undesirablesituation, can help to rewrite the ideal self narrative, and interpretation of the realityfeedback boundary. 4or a powerful e!ample of a person using advanced LPtechni%ues, watch 3arren 2rown in this segment called 5oulorlind.http--www.youtube.com-watch*vH)dlItEIjbg

I wonder if 0ideal self1 isn#t the correct term. +aybe it should be called somethingelse. "his is because 0ideal1 means perfect or can mean idea. "he ideal self I amtalking about can encompass that, but might not also encompass that concept. Ihave used the term to describe what a person believes they are, so I could call it0perceived self1. $lso, there are two different kinds of ideal self. "here is a type ofideal self that a person thinks they are logically, but then deeper down at the root ofthat there is the vision that a person actually believes. (ome people mightrationali/e to themselves that they are one thing or another, but might deep downactually believe a different thing.

I really wonder if there is a fourth line, which is a needs met line, which is wellbeing-selfesteem, or is needs met line really just an aspect of ideal self line.

eeds met line could be diagrammed by a line and how shaded it is. I wonder ifneeds met line is ideal self line, but that needs met would be the coloring in of theboundary. "he more shaded in the circle, the more the of the needs that were met.

$ boundary for ideal self should be well defined, but also fle!ible and not too rigid sothat it is easily adaptable to new situations. &ell defined boundaries is by knowingwho we are and having preferences. 4le!ibillity comes by being able to adapt.

&hen a boundary is too rigid, if to much force is put upon it, it can break. 9ave aboundary break hurts. 9ave a permanent whole leads to unhealthy relationships.9oles maybe have to be maintained, either forcefully reopened, or coerced throughmanipulation to stay open.

+ake diagrams of Eckman#s core emotions

'atie says there are three kinds of business mine, yours, and Cods. $ person

should stay in there own business.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdlItEIj8bghttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdlItEIj8bg


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. 5+ethod of rewriting narrative6

$ the gift2 LP?. A; and ;lean Language to help identify needs and problems that need to bereframed.

2eing 0crossed1 means having a boundary broken.4eeling 0broken1 is having a boundary broken.

Emotional narrative psychology.

Looks to e!amine emotions and the predicaments around them. Over writing the pree!isting narrative with another that will lead to a more acceptable result.

$rticle about teaching praise affecting narrative which affects results.

Emotional arrative Psychology looks to address identity narratives and reframethem in a way that so a person reinterprets their narrative, thus changing theiremotions.

In the world when a person has identity problems then they have emotions.$ddressing the concept of boundaries and self interaction with world helps define anarrative.

"ed talk about different narratives and risk of suicide

3onJt say that later will be better, now your stuck in a moment and you canJt get outof it. 5especially if the problem is not from a outside influence with an e!piration date6

3r. Paul and

$ sign that a hole e!ist in a boundary is that we have trouble hearing or saying no.

2oundariesKmakes us durable and strong.


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=. destructively causes a cycle of violencee. the opposite of anger is an!ietyf. use assertiveness with anger to get well beingg. use courage with an!iety to get confidence

h. "he middle of the spectrum of happinessi. &ellbeing-mothering-being nurtured is related to anger. &hen we have anger, wecan convert it to wellbeing through be assertiveness instead of destructive ordepressive.j. 4athering-confidence is related to an!iety. &hen have an!iety use courage andgain confidence.

=6 Ideas-intellect 5not sure if this is the right notes6

a. 2eing efficient with ideas is broken down by, also being a good time manager.=. having education>. having e!perienceb. "he middle of the spectrum of education and e!perience is genius.c.

>64ree will-decisiona. ;onscienceKtells us whether we are being constructive or destructive from theinside. &hether we are being win-win or win-lose in deals that one is offering theworld.b. IntuitionKtells us whether the world is being win-win or win-lose back at me.


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$n!iety should be dealt with by facing the an!iety and choosing a life path. It may ormay not be the right one. If a person success they win, if they fail, they gaine!perience for ne!t time.

3epression is dealt with by coming to terms with the past and accepting who ourpast selves were and aligning them with who we are now.

I wonder if an!iety comes from indecison as my cousin says. I wonder about the factthat a person that is torn between two decisions that can#t make of their mind iscaused an!iety. "his makes sense to me. $ person that does not have a clear self

image could definitely have an!iety as they are torn apart by two decisions.

I wonder if an!iety can also come because a person has a vision of themselves, athing that they think they are or want to be but are not on a path that is in line with orachieving that path, that too, I think might cause an!iety. "hese are internal conflictswith oneself. Identity issues to some e!tent where either a person has no set identitybut only possibilities or has an identity that isn#t being fulfilled.$nger I wonder then maybe cause by a person having an image of self but the worldis forcing the person to act against that image and so they get mad.

I also wonder what then is fear and how it should be processed. $n!iety is oftenprocessed by making the right decision. $nger is often processed by actingconstructively. I wonder why people have fear and what they must do to process it.October :, =DDG

"here are actually three boundary linesM. 4eedback given back to us by society telling us who we really are. 5everybody

elseJs definition of our boundary6

2oundaries are in part represented by preferences. Or ways we define ourself. 2yknowing ourselves, traits, and preferences, it helps to increase boundary.

Aague language about a problem represents a lack of boundary definition.

2oundaries protect a persons self esteem. $nd maybe freedom via manipulation.intellect and wisdom too by somebody manipulating ones philosophy.

Observing ego allows a person to be cool and calm as they are one step removed.

2eing caught in ego makes a person act irrationally and impulsively.


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(tress only comes in too flavors. It is a hurt or a loss.$ll stress is a negative emotion.+aybe it is a the core negative emotion.

(omebody who says, Nyou make me mad.N is demonstrating a hole in boundary. $lsocan be represented by when somebody says in their narrative that another personNshouldN do this or that.

$ll problems have > parts

Psychological problem caused by a world view.(tress caused by worldview being challenged.2iological imbalance the bodyJs physical response in brain to stress.

$ccording to dr. Paul all psychology has ? parts

. Ideas-intellect 5I say world view6?. Emotional energy

"he way each is e!pressed is. world view time ***** "o make a worldview or investment in that worldview?. Emotional energy self esteem****** 5 not sure about this6

$ll relationships are winwin or winlose. 3onJt ever be in a winlose or losewin.

Passive aggressive people have holes in boundaries that others cross, but instead ofletting the other people know constructively, they do it passively. Passive peopledonJt communicate well.

Paul says that when you are really intamate or Nin a grooveN with some one thatthere is no boundary, but I wonder if it is just not alignment of narratives.

;odependent people are people that were sharing a giant boundary. One has to askpermission of the other to do something or they feel bad. &hen they break up, onewill feel bad.

"he only cure for a stress is to a person to change.$ person can change world view and accept stress.7un away from it. - ignore4ight it and win, reaffirming original narrative that was challenged. 5if losing, then goback to the first to options6

E!tended stress makes a person regress.


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"hin skinned person has boundary weaknesses."hick skinned is over protected. "oo thick skin nothing gets in or out. 'ind of likenorth korea.

2yron 'atie asks that if you went to heaven today, where everything is perfect andeverybody was perfect, but if you took to heaven with you your limiting thoughtsabout yourself and your self devaluing narratives of how you aren#t good enough,what would heaven be like* 9er answer is that it would be a lot like Earth.http--flvvm.oprah.com-podcast-!m-ss-bk=-ssvidPodBbk=.m?v

3r. Paul made this diagram. 9e said that anger acted on leads to destruction, whichleads to more anger, but my e!planation is that a person is trying to defend theirideal self line. 9e said that anger acted in assertiveness helps wellbeing, and Iagree, but only becomes it has successfully defended the ideal self line. If it is notsuccessful in this attempt, it at least gains some wisdom of what is possible andhopefully internali/es it, thus redefining the ideal self line. If the failure is notinternali/ed, but instead is rationali/ed off as e!ternal factors, then the person will

probably have the same problem.

Paul says that some people who do not deal with anger, will become depressed. Iagree this can happen. 9e discusses about a person that has a bad job and isdepressed about it, but then gets angry and tries to fi! the job. I don#t agree with thise!ample. 4irst of all, I agree that depression can happen, but the depression isabout always being angry and not acting on it. $ person wishes they would haveacted and couldn#t have, so thus by getting angry and decided to act, the depressionis ended. In this sense his diagram is true, buuuuut it is only true for people that areprone to anger issues. "here are many more types of depression, and not acting on

anger is just one of a myriad of types of not acting that can cause depression.2asically then, I think 3r. Paul#s diagram does kind of work, and his understanding ofwhat is happening is basically true, but that his underlying theory is wrong. I think hecorrectly noticed patterns and was able to diagram the patterns and events, but thatwhen he made a theory, the theory was a bit off.

3r. Paul says that an!iety can drive a person to eat. 2ut I have always consideredovereating and obesity to be a lowself esteem issue where people were trying to fillthemselves up. (o, but a lot of people did say that an!iety can make them eat, so Iwonder the an!iety is a secondary an!iety, an an!iety about having low self esteem

that can make people eat. "his would be similar to the depression caused by notdealing with anger, but in this case it would be an an!iety over chronically having low
http://flv-vm.oprah.com/podcast/xm/ss/bk2/ss-vidPod_bk2.m4vhttp://flv-vm.oprah.com/podcast/xm/ss/bk2/ss-vidPod_bk2.m4v


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self esteem. (o, the real cause of over eating is not the an!iety, but it is the low selfesteem. Fust like the depressed person coming out of an anger profile, the realproblem is not the depression, but the anger issues.

Praise of students can change a narrative, change beliefs, and change behaviors.http--www.ma!imisepotential.co.uk-ma!imisingthepotentialofyourchildmatthewsyed-

"his article is a good e!ample how changing a person#s narrative can later affect aperson#s emotions and behaviors. "he article discusses two types of praise ateacher gives to a student. One set of praise states that they student is 0good1 andthe other type of praise states that the student 0works hard1. (tudents that receivethe two different types of feedback and internali/e gain two newly defined narratives

of themselves. One narrative is that they are 0good1 and the other narrative is thatthey are 0hard working1. "he article goes on to say that the students that believethemselves as 0good1 end up being less likely to want to attempt newer and hardermistakes. "his is because they are afraid that their status as being good will bedamaged if they make a mistake or don#t live up to the e!pectations of others. "hisnarrative of being good then ultimately led to pressure and fear of newcircumstances. &hereas the students that were praised for being hardworkingaccepted that narrative and when given a new challenging were not afraid and weremore willing to take it on.

;ourage is interesting because often times before a moment of courage, a person isacting in a way that their action line e!tends their reality feedback line and their idealself line. 3oing that feels empty inside and makes it hard to act. 4or instance, thereality feedback line says that if a person falls, they often get hurt8 this narrative isingrained in us from a young age. (o, when a person steps up to bungee jump forthe first time, part of them can intellectuali/e they will be fine, but still the deep heldnarrative that is internali/ed is one that falling e%uals getting hurt. $ person byjumping for the first time is trying to e!pand their ideal self line and trying to e!pandtheir action line, but in the moments up before the jump and in the first moments ofthe fall, those lines haven#t been solidified and the attempt to stretch them out is filledwith an!iety, emptiness, and loneliness.

4or fulfillment a person must


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"his is done through acceptance of depression. ;onstructive assertiveness in discomfort 5anger the most common form6

;ourage to act well in matters of an!iety=. Aagueness of problem, feeling of being manipulated, abused, or used in

relationship to other. ;larity&ork on boundary to help clarify identity, know who oneself is, and then reassess the situation.

>. 7eframe the concept of failure.$ goal wasn#t achieved because a person didn#t have enough education ore!perience. It hasn#t been achieved 5yet6, but it can be in the future. "he keyword being 0yet1. Proper time management, plan, and reinvestment ine!perience and education can help a person achieve goal.

'ey attributes to the fulfilled person are education, e!perience, constructiveassertiveness and courage to act in winwin narratives, good conscience and

intuition, selfreflection and knowledge of true self.

Oddly enough these attributes might as well be summed up as acceptance, courage,and wisdom. "hree key words found in a popular prayer.

I am e!tremely suspicious that 0anger1 is not one of the key emotions. I am moreinclined to think that anger is actually a form of 0irritation-discomfort1 which is the keynegative emotion of the present moment. I think irritation-discomfort takes manyforms, but for practical purposes anger is by far the most common and strong form ofthis emotion that is being e!pressed by people.

I think that there are three key negative emotions, which are depression which has todo with loss of the past, discomfort which has to do with boundaries being stressedto feel loss in the moment, and an!iety which as to do with fear of loss in the future.

"he boundary lines of reality feedback, action, and ideal self are often similar, butwhen they aren#t that is when stressed is caused. 4or many people ideal self and

action are similar as they act like they believe they are, but in some unhealthyindividuals, like those that are acting out for attention, or those that are using beingshy as a coping mechanism to not get hurt, they are different.

"he boundary lines of ideal self and action can be defined in any area of life ashaving a hole, being too thick, being too rigid, or having a doorway.

9aving a hole is a person in a codependent relationship2eing too thick is a person that is overly independent2eing too rigid is a person that is infle!ible and has to have things their way.9aving a doorway represents a healthy interdependent relationship.

Instead of trying to make people like you, which is putting one#s own goal inside the


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business of others, a person can figure out why they want people the like oneself.(o for instance if I want people to like me because they are happy around me, then Ican work on the skill of making jokes. &hen I go to meet people, I can work onmaking jokes. If I want people to like more for my knowledge, then I can work on the

skill of listening to people and then helping them with my information. +aybe theywill like me or not, but the goal in this case will be to work on a skill like being funnyor knowledgeable. I might not make my goal tonight, and people might not like me,but that is okay because I haven#t set my goal inside their business, my goal is nowinside my business. If I continue to practice my goal of improving a certain skill, thensooner or later somebody will appreciate this skill and like me for it. If I gaine!perience and education at how to go about this skill, sooner or later I will be goodat it, and then a person will like me who values that skill I have.

I think a psychologist should make a clear distinguishment between an!iety causedfrom being depressed, and regular an!iety. Likewise depression caused from a bad

event, or depression caused by not dealing with an!iety and anger right. "hedifferent kinds of depression and an!iety need to be treated differently. It isespecially important to consider some an!iety, anger, and depression is primary, andsome is secondary that comes from other emotions not being processed correctly. Ifthe problem that is manifest is secondary, it is of more importance to deal with theprimary problem and the secondary problem will dissolve itself.

&hat does assertiveness as a response to anger brings wellbeing in a mother typeof way mean* It means that as people if we are angry we are not having the needsof our ideal self being met. $nd if the other person is angry, their needs are notbeing met either. Probably if two people are angry, they are not even aware of theother#s deepest needs in the situation. If two people can step back in the momentusing observing ego and take a minute to really empathi/e with the other, trying tounderstand their situation and understand them, they can understand the other#sneeds. Once a person can understand the other#s needs and empathi/e with them,it is very difficult to stay angry, and instead a person will often act in a mothering wayinstead, helping to nurture the other person. "his can be done by finding a winwinsituation that suits both parties.


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+ental state in terms of challenge level and skill level, accordingto 5si/s


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narrative gives little room for 0offending events1 to actually be offending to me.

People like the speaking on the other hand can rationally know they shouldn#t getangry, and can even govern themselves to not act angry in a situation that they don#t

see will help them. 3eep down they don#t accept the situation, but can forcethemselves to at least on an intellectual level accept it even if they don#t own it in aworld view narrative.

"his is why changing a deep underlying world narrative in many ways will free aperson, where as gaining intellectual power will only allow them to cope with aconstructive situation.

I watched a program the other day where fat people were made to climb a pole andjump off of it as a way to help build their esteem so that they can change their lives.Intellectually each person knew that they were very capable of climbing the pole and

jumping, that there was a harness and that there was no way that they couldrealistically be harmed. et some of the contestants had emotional breakdowns andliterally couldn#t climb the pole and jump no matter the incentive. "his is becausethere world narrative didn#t not allow for a place for them to do such a thing, eventhough they intellectually knew it was okay. "his is the difference is street slangbetween 0knowing1 something and 0owning1 it. It is knowing and believing insomething so much, that it is easy to act on.

9e goes on to talk about the injustice-victim role or narrative a person takes, verseslife student and observing ego planning how to act.

3r. Paul says that an!iety makes a person over eat. "his might be true, but to bemore specific, it is an!iety that is secondary to a person having low selfesteem. "hepeople that are over eating always have very low self esteem, and yes by overeating the can suppress their emotions, but I think it is more complicated than justan!iety.

I wonder if the difference between knowing something and believing it. $ person

might know that they can jump off a pole, but deep down inside the believe that ifthey do, they will be hurt or can#t do it. People don#t really act on their thoughts, theyreally act on their beliefs. "he two are often intertwined, but also oppose each other.$lso, it is our beliefs of deep seated world narratives that cause our emotions, notreally our thoughts.

I really think it is our beliefs which are hard wired deeply seated narratives that leadto us e!perience emotions. &hen these narratives or changed, met, or not met, thenwe e!perience the emotion. "hese narratives must then also represent needs.+aybe I don#t often have any emotions because I don#t have a lot of needs. &hen Iwas on drugs, I had only one real need, that was for more drugs. "he drugs kept me

so sedated that I didn#t need or feel anything elseM


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3r. Paul mentioned that if you have an ideal image of a person, they will always notlive up to your ideal, and you will be disappointed. 2ut I also think that everyone hasan 0ideal1 image of a person, it is just that some of us have more realistic 0ideal1

images of another.

"he language difference between a deep seated world narrative that affects aperson#s beliefs and therefore emotions might be 0I just know so and so will happen.1If somebody says 0just know1 that means they won#t be affected emotionally. 2ut ifsomebody says, 0I think so and so will happen,1 if it does happen, they can also beaffected emotionally.

"hinking about something that happened doesn#t cause an emotional reaction, butbelieving something should or shouldn#t have happened definitely does. 2eliefs aredeeply held narratives constructed about the world8 when these narratives areupheld a person feels good, and when they aren#t a person feels bad. Ironicallyenough, a person can deeply believe one thing in a firmly held narrative, but logicallythink and reason the opposite. "his causes a person to not be able to act on theirthoughts and causes stress, a literal mental stress as the belief and the thought try tofind common ground.

(omebody whose action line is greater than their reality feedback line can feelembarrassed or foolish, especially if the reality feedback line is smaller than theother two lines. If there is a feeling of judgment from others, the feeling can becompounded. Even if there is no judgment and the reality feedback line is largerthan the other two lines, a person will still feel silly, although they will be moreencouraged to do it again.

"here are at least two kinds of narratives. (elflimiting beliefs, for instance a personthat doesn#t think they are attractive and so therefore they don#t try to do things inlife, and over inflated ego beliefs, in which a person deep down believes they are

greater than they really are.

2ruce Lipton talked about cells just being proteins that reacted to environmentalfactors. It reminds me of computers. ;omputers have a program, and then oncegiven an input or environmental stimulus, then they process the information andmake a result. et, unlike a cell with a nucleus and 3$, computers lack the ability,or even will to reproduce. or is there the kind of genetic diversity and evolution incomputer software.

2ruce says that a cell with no stimulus is dead. "he other talk said that a molecule

with no stimulus is freedom for the molecule to e!ist in two places at one time.(ooooo, is no stimulus death or e!isting in multiple dimensions* $nd what does this


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mean for sleep* $nd-or meditation*

Documents

Emotional Narrative Psychology