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Effective Counseling Skills

All rights reserved. Daniel Keeran, MSW

College of Mental Health Counseling

www.collegemhc.com

Counseling skills can benefit you in nearly all areas of your life and are easy to acquire. As you read this

article you will discover how easy it is for you to learn these skills and how you can apply them in all your

relationships.

What Is Counseling?

Counseling in the broad sense of the term is simply expressing your ideas about how someone can

improve their situation. Human beings are always faced with issues that involve a degree of anxiety. An

obstacle or challenge is presented by poor choices or circumstances, and a decision must be made about

how to approach the issue in order to reduce the tension and restore hope. Everyone becomes a

counselor for themselves or for others whenever the challenge is presented or arises.

The goal in learning counseling skills is to present ideas in a way that is intentional and that can be

predicted to improve a situation faced by the person.

What Are Fundamental Counseling Skills?

Some of the simplest and most obvious counseling skills involve ways of listening and speaking that help

a person feel supported, understood, validated, and hopeful.

THE EMPATHIC REFLECTIVE STATEMENT

If the counselor has faced his own pain, then he will be able to be genuine in making what Carl Rogers

called the ”reflective statement.” This is used also to educate the client who is unaware of his emotions,

and so it is one of the core counseling skills. People who use the Rogerian model strictly may argue

that's all one needs to do in a counseling session. And, in fact, I think you can carry on a counseling

session just by using reflective statements and invitations to say more.

This means to simply take what the client has said and reflect it back to him including a feeling word,

because sometimes when the client is speaking he doesn't attach feeling words: fear, anger, annoyed,

guilt, sadness, emptiness, low self-worth, despair, happy, excited, hopeful, and so on. He doesn't have

these words in his vocabulary, and if we offer the words we can help him begin to identify painful

feelings. The reflective statement is also the key skill for helping the client gain insight and to feel

supported and validated when done with sincere empathy. In addition, being able to hear what he has

Daniel Keeran, MSW, has been a professional counselor and therapist for over 30 years. He has provided counseling and training to thousands

of professionals and the public through his private practice and leading groups for healing grief in hospital settings. To view the best-selling

book "Effective Counseling Skills" found in many academic and public libraries, visit http://www.amazon.com/Effective-Counseling-Skills-

therapeutic-statements/dp/1442177993 This article is a taste of what you will learn in the Professional Counsellor Training Course. To register

go to www.collegemhc.com

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just said, helps the client to clarify the problems for himself. Reflection is a way of utilizing the client

own strength to heal himself. The counselor in this capacity is acting as the alter-ego, another “client

self” helping the client to hear himself.

An example may be a female client who says she had a fight with her husband because he wasn't doing

his share of the household responsibilities, that he agreed to do. I may make this kind of statement: ”So

maybe you feel annoyed with him because he didn't follow through with the tasks that you have agreed

on and that's made more work for you. Is that how you feel?”

A reflective statement is a statement, not a question. Rather than say, “I understand” which is a mark of

the amateur counselor, the reflective statement demonstrates understanding. Usually I start a reflective

statement with, “So maybe you feel...” and then a feeling word. If a person has blocked the feeling or

hasn't identified it, I'll reach for a little bit of the feeling. I'll say, “So maybe you feel a little (sad or

angry).” If they indicate that they feel a lot, I'll reflect that they feel a lot of it, or “pretty” or “very”

something, or maybe “extremely ....”

We need to have a good vocabulary of feeling words so that we can make accurate reflective

statements. With the first part of the reflection we supply a feeling word, and then we reflect the

meaning. If we have an understanding of what a client has said, we need to reflect both the feeling and

the meaning.

perception check

Then we can check out whether our reflection is accurate or not by saying something like, “Is that what

you're feeling?” or, “Do I understand you?” or, “Is that what you're saying?” If the client continues to

correct our reflections, then the key is to repeat the client’s exact words sincerely so that he feels

joined. If then he still corrects our reflection, he is really correcting himself and struggling with his own

inner conflict that may be part of a pattern of conflict with others that can be explored.

The client will then respond to the reflection by elaborating more, by correcting the reflection, saying,

“No, that's not quite what I said.” Whatever his response is, we can respond by saying, “Can you say a

little more about that?” after he has elaborated. We can pretty well carry on an entire session with just

reflections and invitations to say more.

close-ended and open-ended questions

Another benefit of reflective statements is that they allow the client to lead the session, so this

approach is called “client-centered.” You are following the client’s feelings and thoughts.

In contrast, the questioning approach especially close-ended questions that lead to a one-word reply,

tend to direct, lead, and control the session. These are useful in working with a very frightened client or

with small children who have limited insight and vocabulary or need structure to stay safe. But the

close-ended question approach follows the counselor’s agenda. Examples are yes and no questions and

questions beginning with ‘who,’ ‘when,’ ‘where,’ ‘do’ or ‘did,’ ‘are,’ ‘can.’ Examples of open-ended

questions begin with ‘what’ or ‘how.’ These questions allow the client to elaborate at length and to lead

the session. If the counselor leads the session, the client will feel controlled and unsupported and will

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not be able to develop a sense of his own power, responsibility, and self-reliance. Avoid ‘why’ questions

because they tend to put the client in a defensive opposing position to the counselor. Instead of “why?”

say “what happened?” or “what was that about?”

Keep in mind that one of the fundamental goals in counseling is to help the client put his life experiences

and feelings into spoken words, to get it from the inside to the outside of himself. Some of you reported

that when you did the assessment, that's exactly how you benefited, just by having that full hour to talk

about nothing but your own life experiences.

Once we've reflected the client's feelings, we need to draw him out. We're doing that by using the

feeling list and by inviting the client to say more about the identified feeling; ”Say more about the

sadness,” or, “Say more about the anger.” That's what we mean by drawing it out, focusing on the

feeling, having him talk about the feeling, “What's that feeling about? What's the sadness about?”

Support the client's feelings by saying, “Let yourself feel that right now.” Staying with that feeling, “Take

some time to let yourself feel that.” I used to say, “Just go with that feeling,“ but now I say, “Stay with

that feeling.” I don't want them to go, I want them to stay. The process of integration refers in

counseling refers partly to exploring, acknowledging, and validating each emotion the client may be

experiencing around very painful events and also successes and celebrations.

BUILDING SAFETY

Be aware of helping the client feel safe in counseling. We discussed that already in terms of counselor

qualities, but we can reinforce safety with a client by saying things like, “What's it like talking about this

so far?” If a client is very resistant, not willing to talk, what he’s telling us nine times out of ten is that he

doesn't feel safe enough to talk about whatever he needs to talk about. And so I'll say to him, “I wonder

if you feel safe enough in this setting to talk about the things that you need to talk about?”

I've also experienced people who've said they didn't think of anything worth talking about. They didn't

think anyone wanted to listen because they've had a history of nobody listening. You can make a

reflection of that. You could say, “So maybe you're saying that what you have to say is not worth talking

about, or you feel other people don't care about what you have to say?” I'd want to hear more about

that. I'd say, “Say more about that. Where is that coming from? What's that about?" So I reflect that

back to them and keep the process going: ”Talk more about that.”

If you have a client who is aware of counseling skills you may engage her in lighter conversation,

something that's easier to talk about, something safer. That may be feeding into the defense, though.

It's saving her from the difficulty. So what I may be willing to say is, “Maybe you're feeling a little

uncomfortable about talking about this right now? Is that accurate?”

See if she acknowledges that. Then say, “Say a little about what is scary about this. What's the

discomfort about?” The key to helping a person feel safe when she works through her un-safety is to

have a talk about the fear and the un-safety. Then I can say, “I wonder what you may be feeling beside

the fear. What’s under the fear?”

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And I may make a validating statement, such as, “It makes a lot of sense that you may feel a little afraid

of talking about this. You've had a difficult time and so it's understandable that you may not want to say

a lot. It may be a little scary. If you can say a little about what that scary feeling is about....” If she can

begin to talk about that scary feeling or that fear, then I could support that and reflect that.

Then I could say, “I wonder what you may be feeling beside the fear. Would it be sadness or anger or...”

As soon I've got her past fear to identify another feeling, she’s gone past the safety issue. She’s now

feeling safe again. Working through the fear is the key to the safety issue.

So you don't want too many options. You don't want to provide the client ways out. I don't want to

allow her an escape from facing what's most difficult, but I don't want to put her in a position of facing

too much too soon. So, if I get a sense she’s too frightened, I'll slow her down but still invite her to keep

going in a forward movement, toward the pain. The client needs to hear, “Whatever is most difficult to

talk about is the key to your progress.”

CORE SKILLS TO PRACTICE

Now I want to discuss some core skills and interventions that I want you to use in your practice sessions.

There are several basic skills and interventions that can be used to facilitate the healing process, and

these are important to master as fundamental to professional counseling.

VALIDATING INTERVENTIONS

An example of a validating intervention would be, “Is it okay to feel that?” In other words my first

approach to validation is to elicit it from the client himself, or herself: “Is it okay to feel that sadness?” or

“Is it okay to feel that anger?” If he says no, I'll say, “What gets in the way of your feeling okay with that?

What's that about, not feeling okay?” And he'll talk about it.

And then I will make a validation even when he doesn't validate himself. I'll say, “It seems to me you

have every right to feel that.” There's a validation statement. “What you're feeling, or what you did

makes sense. It fits with what you've been through. It seems to me you are entitled to that.” You may

also say, “It takes courage to take that step, to feel that, to face that pain.” That's a validation as well.

“It's okay to cry, just let it out.” There's a validation combined with engaging a feeling. “Just let it out,” is

engaging. ”It's okay to feel, to cry,” is a validation.

INSIGHT INTERVENTIONS

An example of an Insight Intervention is, ”What is it about that situation that pushed your buttons? And

what other person or situation in your life had similar characteristics?” The phrase ”pushed your

buttons” implies the exaggerated response or reaction, or the hypersensitive reaction. Or I may say to a

person, “As you're talking, it's striking to me that this isn't the first time this has happened to you. You're

telling me that in this situation, you are a helpless victim. That's not the first time you were a helpless

victim. Can you think of another time when you were a helpless victim?”

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In other words I'll suggest to him that there was another time that he was a helpless victim but I won't

tell him when it was. And then I'll leave it up to him to come up with another time as a way of gaining

insight into previous experience that was similar, so he can begin looking at the patterns in his

behaviour.

When you're giving suggestions like, “Can you tell me another time in your life that you were a victim?”

does it matter whether it's actually accurate that he was a victim or is it just his perception that

matters? His perception is what's most important to work with.

A client I was working with was talking about feeling controlled, that she had no power in her life, that

things just kept happening to her since she'd been assaulted about three years ago. She was afraid to go

places. She turned down going to a concert because she was afraid the person who assaulted her may

be there, even though the chances were almost nil. And she talked about being afraid that the person

who assaulted her was coming around her home, had been tinkering with her car, leaving the gas cap off

or leaving the oil cap off and the door open, and so on. She was getting quite paranoid.

She came across generally as a helpless victim. As we talked about that, having done the assessment, I

was aware of other situations in her life when she had been a helpless victim. I said, “You know, it seems

to me this isn't the first time you've felt like a helpless victim.” Another way I may put it to a client is, “Is

this the first time you have felt like a victim of other people, that you were treated unfairly?”

She thought of another situation and talked about that for a while. Then I said, “Can you identify

another situation? And another?” And she accumulated eight or ten different situations.

There was a cluster of experiences in her current life, and she was able to identify other experiences

going back even to childhood, from the time her mother kept two younger children and gave her up to

be taken care of by her grandparents. So she felt like her mother's victim. It's been a life pattern. That's

a way, in working with a person, that we may help her to look at patterns and to gain insight. Then look

at changes she can make to regain a sense of control.

CHANGE INTERVENTIONS

One of my favorite change interventions is the paradoxical intention saying, “It's understandable that

you wouldn't be ready to change yet,” when a person is very stuck. We've already looked at that. But

essentially when we're looking at change, we're helping a person look at choices. And then we're going

to help her take the risk to implement a choice or combination of choices.

Part of that movement toward change may look like the following. You'll be saying to a person, “Is what

you did in that situation working well for you?”

So I may say to a person, “What did you feel in that situation when your husband called you a name?”

She responds, and we'll sort it out, maybe by using a feeling list. She says, “I felt resentment.”

“What did you do with that resentment? Where did the resentment go?” She says, “I guess I kept it

inside.” So I say, “I wonder if that's a pattern of how you cope with your feelings of anger and

resentment? Is that what you do generally?” She says, “Yes it is.” She generally doesn't speak about it or

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address it to anyone. So I say, “What happens when you do that? Does that work well for you?” And she

identifies that it doesn't work very well.

My next question is, “What gets in the way of you letting your husband know that you feel resentment?

This is a key step because what she's going to say is, “I'm afraid if I do, something is going to happen.”

Fear gets in the way. She is afraid she may lose him or he may react to her in some way, but she doesn't

know how because she's never really done it.

It may go back to relationships in the family of origin where she learned to internalize feelings. So I'll say,

“For you to express your resentment may mean taking a risk.”

Here are some additional therapeutic statements:

Validation intervention: “What you did as a child made sense because it helped you survive.”

Insight intervention: “If you can imagine an ideal caring parent, what do you wish he or she had done or

said to you or for you?”

Client response: “I wish they had spoken up for me and supported me.” If the client cannot come up

with this, suggest that maybe it is something he wished.

Change intervention: “So today, whenever no one speaks up for you or supports you, who does that

leave?”

Client response: “Just me.”

Change intervention: “So you need to do for yourself today what you needed as a child but could not do.

Otherwise you end up doing to yourself what was done to you.”

I may then have her rehearse using an empty chair, or with me acting as her husband. Now she may

come up with the real issue that she has with me; not as the pretend husband, but as the counselor.

If that happens I'll say, “I think it will be important to identify a concern you have with me. See if you can

take the risk to face me with it. It will be important to your therapy, and I'm not fragile.” I'll give her that

reassurance.

And I may even give her the three-part assertiveness statement that we'll go over later on. She'll try it

on, fill in the blanks and address an issue to me, and then I'll congratulate her when she does that.

The next step will be to encourage her to do an assignment: take the risk to address an issue with

somebody outside the office. In preparation, I will ask her write a list of fifteen names of people in her

life, then to check off three names that she has minor issues with. Then she is asked to approach one of

them and let him know she is doing this as an assignment to practice assertiveness. When she returns

reporting she was able to do that, I'll congratulate her. If not, we will explore what got in the way.

This article is a taste of what you will learn in the Professional Counsellor Training Course. To register

go to www.collegemhc.com