DO YOU KNOW JACK?

(Animated Sitcom)

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014

INT. COREYS BEDROOM - DAY

JACK (52) and his brother JOE (56) are talking to Jacks sonCOREY (18).

JACKCorey. Uncle Joe and I want to talkto you about college. Have yougiven any thought to what you wantto major in?

COREYUm. What do you mean "thought?"

JACKWell. You know that grey thing inyour head called a brain? Have youused it to figure out what you wantto study in college?

COREYNo one told me that I was supposedto.

JACKIts kind of implied that youresupposed to use your brain to picka major.

COREYNo. I meant no one was told me Iwas supposed to use my brain ingeneral.

JACKCorey--a brain isnt optional,like an appendix. Use yours tosettle on a major.

COREYWell. Lets see. OK. I have abrain.

(outs his hands on his head)Im thinking about what to majorin.

JOEI dont think you need to put yourhands on your head to use yourbrain.

2.

COREYYou mean my brain is automatic?

JOEYeah. You dont have to use a stickshift.

Corey takes his hands off of his head.

COREYOK. Lets see. What should I majorin? Um.

(to Jack)You majored in chemistry. And thatsounds really boring.

(puts his hands on his head)So my brain is saying that maybe Ishould major in something thats,like, the opposite of chemistry.

JACKMaybe I should wrap my fingersaround your neck, so you can do theopposite of breathing.

JOEJack. Calm down.

JACKCorey--would you please take yourhands off of your head, and figureout what you intend to major in?

COREY(takes his hands off of hishead)

Dad--I dont know what I intend tomajor in.

JACKDo you think Im gonna pay $8,000 ayear for four years, so my son canget a bachelors degree in "Dad--Idont know?"

COREYI dont know.

JACKGive me your wallet.

3.

COREYWhat?

JACKGive me your wallet!

Corey grabs his wallet from a table and hands it to Jack.Jack opens the wallet, takes out the $25 in it, and puts themoney on Coreys bed.

JACK$25. Thats your net worth. Now,your college education is gonnacost well over $25,000. Do youunderstand how much money thatis? Whats 25,000 divided by 25?

COREYUm. Dad--I dont know?

JACKLet me see your neck for a second.

JOEJack--you dont need to choke him.

COREYA thousand. 25,000 divided by 25 isa thousand.

JACKIm still gonna choke you.

JOE(to Jack)

Lets just take a few minutes andfind a good major for Corey.

JACKWell. Weve already ruled outchemistry.

COREYAnd math. I dont want a job whereI spend all day dividing 25,000 by25.

JACKWell. What about that career daything you had at high school? Didyou come across anything thatinterested you?

4.

INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY

(Flashback scene)

100 STUDENTS are at various booths. Corey is at one of them,and talking to a PLUMBER (male, 45).

PLUMBERThe great thing about being aplumber is that you get to showyour buttcrack to people. Very fewjobs have that perk. I mean, ifyoure President, youll getimpeached even if you only show aquarter inch of buttcrack. Thatswhat happened to Jimmy Ford. All ofthe Senators from the other partywere like, "Its bad enough that wehave to listen to this asshole runhis mouth about tax rates. But nowwe have to look at his white hairyass. Impeach!"

Cut to Corey talking to a FARMER.

FARMERHave you ever had any interest inbeing a farmer?

COREYAbsolutely. I really like the ideaof being a farmer. Except for twothings. One, I dont like the wholeidea of getting up really early inthe morning. And two, I dont likethe whole idea of working on afarm. You know. I dont want to getup early, or plant things, orharvest them, or move them, or weargloves. But I definitely want totalk about bushels. I want to beVice President of bushel talk. Arethere any farming jobs where youtalk about bushels from 12 to 4,and then you go home and watch HeeHaw and Green Acres?

Cut to Corey talking to a DOCTOR.

COREYWhat kind of a doctor are you?

5.

DOCTORI specialize in treatingACL injuries.

COREYDo you have to get up early to goto work?

DOCTORWell. No. But the hours are long. Ilove it, though. Im passionateabout my work. Im passionate aboutthe ACL. Its a fascinatingligament. My wife thinks Im toointo it. Just yesterday, she waslike, "Youre always working. Youdont have any time for me. Youdont take me out to dinner, youdont buy me flowers. Just admitit, Tom. Youre sleeping with theACL, arent you?" And I said, "No,honey. That doesnt even makesense. How the hell am I supposedto sleep with a freaking ACL? Itsa ligament. You cant sleep withit. I know--because Ive tried onnumerous occasions. If I couldsleep with a ligament, I wouldntbe married to you anymore."

Cut to Corey talking to Jack.

COREYSo what do you do?

JACKYou know what I do, Corey. Im achemist at Le Ponte.

COREYHow did you know my name?

JACKCorey. Im your father.

COREYWhoa. This is just like Star Wars.

JACKNo. Its not like Star Wars.Because A--Im not Darth Vader. AndB--youve been living in my housefor the last 18 years.

6.

COREYA Jedi must have the deepestcommitment, the most serious mind.

INT. COREYS BEDROOM - DAY

COREYUh. No. No jobs at career dayreally interested me. Except formaybe Jedi.

JACKJedi is not an actual job. Now tellme. What do you want to be when youget out of college?

COREYI want to be a billionaire. Oh. AndI dont want to get up early everymorning, the way Scrooge McDuck andmost other billionaires do. I wantone of those billionaire jobs whereyou get up at like 11, and you weara top hat and smoke cigars, and yousing Putting on the Ritz.

JACK(to Joe)

Did you hear that, Joe? He wants tobe a billionaire who gets up at 11.As opposed to all those early riserbillionaires, like Scrooge McDuck.

JOE(to Corey)

Well, uh--if you want to be abillionaire, you have to deal insome sort of product or service. Doyou have any product or service inmind?

COREYWhy does our economy revolve somuch around products and services?We should add a third category, andtell people, "OK. You can makemoney through one of three things:products, services, or sitting onyour ass."

7.

JACKGreat. Then you can switch majorsfrom "Dad--I dont know" to"Dad--Im sitting on my ass."

JOE(to Corey)

Let me ask you this. What are youpassionate about?

COREYI dont know.

JACKCome on, Corey. You gotta bepassionate about something.Everyones passionate aboutsomething. Your mom is passionateabout opera, and Jane Austen, andinterior decorating. Uncle Joe ispassionate about pork rinds, andpork chops, and bacon. And Impassionate about chemistry, andpolitics, and wanting to choke you.So what are you passionate about?

COREYWell. I guess there is something.

JACKWhat?

COREYYou know bubble wrap?

JACKYeah.

COREYI like popping it.

JACK... Youre passionate about poppingbubble wrap?

COREYWell. Yeah.

JACKCome on, Corey. Name somethingelse.

8.

COREYDad--you and Uncle Joe asked mewhat Im passionate about. And Itold you. I really, really likepopping bubble wrap. Im passionateabout it. I really get into it--youknow?

JACKYou cant major in popping bubblewrap! And you cant pop bubble wrapfor a living.

JOEWell. Lets slow down for a secondand survey this territory. I mean,he has an interest. Maybe thatinterest is connected to some sortof career or major.

JACKOK. Fine. Well survey the bubblewrap territory.

JOEOK. ... How about the shippingbusiness? Thats bubble wraprelated.

(to Corey)How would you like to have a careerin the shipping business?

COREYWell. The thing is, Im not reallyinto shipping. Im into the bubblewrap itself.

JACK(to Joe)

You hear that, Joe? Hes into thebubble wrap itself. As in theplastic, and the bubbles, and theair inside of the bubbles. Thatshis passion. Do you still want tosurvey the territory?

JOEYeah.

JACKOK. Go ahead and continuesurveying.

9.

JOEWell. Lets see.

(to Corey)Maybe you can sell bubble wrap. Youknow what? How about you open oneof those packing stores where theysell $20 bubble wrap and $8cardboard boxes? You know how muchmoney you can make doing that? Itseven better than running one ofthose horseshit coffee places thatsell $4 coffees and all of thosegay European pastries.

COREYYou shouldnt call those pastriesgay. Thats offensive.

JOEWhats so offensive about it? Imjust saying that the pastries aregay. Im not saying that theyshouldnt be allowed to marry eachother.

COREYYoure not supposed to say "gay"unless you mean it literally. Ifyou dont mean "literally gay,"then its offensive to say gay.

JOEWell. Those European pastries mightnot be literally gay--but theyrepretty close. I mean, theyredefinitely not literally straight.Theres only one straight pastryout there: donuts. And notEntenmanns donuts. Those arebisexual.

COREYWhat about cookies? Arent theystraight?

JOECookies are also bisexual. Exceptmaybe oatmeal raisin cookies. Thoseare straight.

JACKOK. I think this discussion hasderailed a little bit. How did we

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10.

JACK (contd)go from a college major to gaypastry marriage?

JOEThe point is, if Corey has apassion for bubble wrap, he canstudy to become the owner of apacking supply store.

COREYWell. Im sure theres a lot ofmoney in that. But the thing is,Im not really into bubble wrap perse. I dont really want to buy itor sell it or store it or price it.I just like popping it.

JACK(to Joe)

Did you hear that, Joe? He likespopping the bubble wrap.

JOEI heard. Well. Popping. Hes intopopping. ... I got an idea.Fireworks.

JACKFireworks?

JOEYeah. He can put on fireworksshows. Thats a lot like poppingbubble wrap.

COREYWell. To be honest, I dont likeloud noises per se. Im more intobubble wrap specifically.

JOEI see.

COREYI have an idea. How about insteadof putting on a fireworks show, Ido this: I pop giant bubble wrapon, like, the Fourth of July? Youknow. I can make that a business.Like a fireworks alternative. Andthen on the Fourth of July, peoplewill be like, "Should we get

(MORE)

11.

COREY (contd)fireworks, or should we get Coreyto pop giant bubble wrap?"

JACK(to Joe)

You hear that, Joe? His career planis to combine bubble wrap,entertainment, and patriotism.

JOEYes. I heard.

JACK(to Corey)

Well, Corey. That is an idea. Butits one of those ideas that needto be put on hold indefinitely.Now, you gotta have anotherpassion.

COREYWell. I like telling people thattheyre wrong.

JOEGreat. You can be someoneswife. Wives are experts at tellingtheir husbands theyre wrong.

COREYI dont want to be someones wife.Thats literally gay.

JOELike the pastries.

COREYNo. Not like the pastries. Thepastries are non-literally gay--andthats why its offensive to saythat theyre gay.

JACKYou like telling people thattheyre wrong?

COREYNo.

JACKNo?

12.

COREYWell. Yeah. I only said "no"because I wanted to tell you thatyou were wrong. But yes, I liketelling people theyre wrong.

JOE(to Jack)

You know what? If he likes tellingpeople that theyre wrong, he canbe a lawyer.

COREYYeah. I can be a lawyer for thebubble wrap industry.

JACKCorey--I dont think there are thatmany lawsuits that involve bubblewrap.

COREYFine. Ill just be a lawyer lawyer.And Ill pop bubble wrap on theside.

JACK(to Joe)

Did you hear that, Joe? Hes gonnapop bubble wrap on the side.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

KELLY (44), DANIELLE (38), and BECKY (33) are seated at atable.

KELLYOK. Dish it. Who was that guy myfriend Lisa saw you with atthe movie theater?

BECKYWell. I dont think theres reallymuch to dish.

KELLYWell whatever there is, put it on adish, add some parsley, and serveit. Its been a very slow weekgossiply speaking, so Im in themood for a dish. So dish it. Dishthe dish.

13.

BECKYOK. Well. The guys name is Jim.Weve been dating for almost twomonths. We go to the movies a lot.Sometimes we eat popcorn. And ourrelationship isnt reallythat dish-worthy right now.

DANIELLEDo you put butter on the popcorn?

KELLY(to Becky)

Your love life is usually verydish-worthy. Like, uh, rememberSam, and the mystery of theSpongebob costume you found in hiscloset?

BECKYYeah. That mystery was solved oneromantic evening when he held me,he looked into my eyes, and heasked me to put on the costume andcall his penis "Patrick."

DANIELLEHeres the real mystery. How comeyou went on three more dates withhim?

BECKYWhat? He was just a littleeccentric. Its not like he was afelon or something.

KELLYRight. The felon was your boyfriendTom.

BECKYWell. He was a white collar felon.

KELLYWell. Lets get back to the newguy. What kind of felon is he?

BECKYHes not a felon.

KELLYWell what does he do?

14.

BECKYHes a lawyer.

KELLYOh. So he deals with felons.

BECKYNo. Hes a divorce lawyer.

DANIELLEOh. So he deals with assholes.

BECKYYes. But Im not ready to talkabout Jim yet. I mean, I dontknow. Ive talked about myrelationships so much with youguys. Weve analyzed all of mydates, and my boyfriends, and myfiances. And Im just at a stage inmy life where Im done talkingabout relationships. So lets justmove on to something else.

KELLY(to Danielle and Becky)

Well. Um. You know, Coreysstudying to become a lawyer.

DANIELLESince when?

KELLYSince tomorrow. He starts collegetomorrow, and hes majoring inpre-law.

DANIELLEWow. I cant believe hes alreadyin college. It seems like justyesterday he was sitting on thefloor at moms apartment, playingwith boxes and packing peanuts.

KELLYYeah. Nowadays, he plays withbubble wrap. Apparently, its hispassion.

BECKYI cant believe I have a nephewwhos in college. At this rate,hell end up getting married before

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15.

BECKY (contd)I do. And then youll try to set meup with his wifes uncle. Some guynamed Leo. And not Leo likeLeonardo DiCaprio. I mean Leo, thedivorced alcoholic car salesmanwhos having a mid-life crisis, andwants me to wear a Ronald McDonaldcostume, and calls my vagina anExtra Value Meal.

KELLYListen. Youre a great girl, andyou dont need to be so hung up onrelationship stuff.

BECKYIts just weird.

(to Kelly)Your son is going off to college,

(to Danielle)your son just had his tenthbirthday, and Im still working ata balloon shop, and dating guys whohave Pokemon costumes in the theirclosets.

DANIELLEYou mean Spongebob costumes.

BECKYSam had Spongebob and Pokemon inhis closet. And one time, he wantedto have a threesome with me asSpongebob and you as Pokemon.

DANIELLEHe wanted to have a threesomeinvolving me as Pokemon?

BECKYYeah. I didnt mention it to you.

DANIELLEI appreciate that.

KELLY(to Becky)

Well, now youre dating a lawyer.

BECKYWhos also a lunatic.

16.

KELLYWhats so lunatic-y about him?

BECKYGreat. Were talking about myrelationships again.

KELLYFine. Well talk about somethingelse.

DANIELLE(to Becky)

Whats so lunatic-y about him?

BECKYWell. Lets see. The other day, Ioverheard him having an argumentabout Canadian politics.

KELLYThats not so lunatic-y.

BECKYHe was having the argument withhimself.

KELLY... Oh. Uh. Well.

BECKYAre you familiar with PierreDuchesne?

KELLYNo.

BECKYWell. I am. Thanks to Jim. A manwho thinks Pierre Duchesne shouldbe reelected as governor of Quebec,and also thinks Pierre Duchesneshould be executed immediately.Yeah. Those are the highlights ofMondays debate between Jim andJim. Because Jim is pro PierreDuchesne. Jim, on the other hand,cant stand Pierre Duchesne.

DANIELLEWell. So he debated himselfabout Pierre Duchesne. Parker doesstuff like that, too.

17.

BECKYSince when does Parker talk tohimself?

DANIELLESince a couple of days ago. I justfound out. Except he doesnt reallytalk to himself. But he does havean imaginary friend.

BECKYWell. Parker is ten years old--sohes supposed to have imaginaryfriends. That doesnt make himlunatic-y. But when Jim hasconversations with himself aboutPierre Duchesne, hes a lunatic.

DANIELLEDid I mention that Parkersimaginary friend is a homeless guy?

BECKYWhatever. Thats still prettynormal for a ten year old. Myboyfriend, on the other hand, is37.

DANIELLEHes up to boyfriend statusalready?

BECKYHe seems to think so. I mean, theother day when he was talking tohimself about Canadian bacon, Ioverheard him refer to me as hisgirlfriend.

DANIELLEOh. So you have a new boyfriend.Congratulations.

BECKYI have a new boyfriend who talks tohimself.

KELLYSo he talks to himself. So what?All men are lunatics in one way oranother.

RUSSELL (33) is sitting at the table next to theirs. Heturns around and joins their conversation.

18.

RUSSELLWhat--you think women arentlunatics.

DANIELLEWho the hell are you?

RUSSELLIm the guy at the coffee shop whowas listening in to yourconversation.

BECKYWell, maybe you shouldnt listen into our conversation.

RUSSELLSays the woman who listens in toher boyfriends conversations withhimself. Were both eavesdroppers.

BECKYTouche. Now turn around and mindyour business, asshole.

RUSSELLOK. It was nice talking to you.

Russell turns around.

BECKY(to Kelly and Danielle)

Can you believe that guy?

KELLYWell. He actually seems OK.

BECKYWhat are you talking about?

KELLYWell. I mean, hes wearing a suit,and he isnt wearing a weddingring.

BECKY... Whats your point?

KELLYIm just saying. Hes a single guywearing a suit, and he seemed tolike you.

19.

BECKYAre you suggesting that I shouldflirt with him?

KELLYWell. I mean, your currentboyfriend has a habit of talking tohimself, while this guy has a habitof eavesdropping and butting in. Ivote for bachelor number two.

(to Danielle)What about you?

DANIELLEYeah. I also vote for the eavesdropand butt in guy.

BECKYWell I vote against the eavesdropand butt in guy.

RUSSELLWell I vote for him.

DANIELLEThats three votes to one.

BECKY(to everyone)

My love life is not a democracy.(to Russell)

Now turn around and piss off.

RUSSELLOh. You didnt call me an assholethis time.

BECKYWhat?

RUSSELLLast time, you said, "Turn aroundand piss off, asshole." But thistime you said, "Turn around andpiss off." No asshole. Maybe yourewarming up to me.

BECKYOr maybe the second time, the word"asshole" was implied.

20.

RUSSELLMaybe. I wonder what youre gonnasay the third time.

BECKYThe third time, Ig gonna say,"Turn around and piss off, or Illpepper spray you."

RUSSELLOnce again, no asshole.

BECKYAsshole.

RUSSELLOK. Im gonna turn around.

BECKYAsshole.

RUSSELLRight. Im gonna turn around,asshole.

BECKYIm not the asshole. Youre theasshole.

RUSSELLRight. Im gonna turn around. Iman asshole.

He turns around.

KELLY(to Becky)

You want the rest of this scone?

BECKYNo thanks.

KELLYTake it.

BECKYI dont want it.

KELLYDanielle--you take it.

21.

DANIELLENo thanks.

KELLYEat it. Its good.

BECKYWhy are you so intent on getting usto eat that?

KELLYBecause Im trying to lose weight.

DANIELLEThats not how weight loss works.You dont make yourself thinner bymaking your sisters fatter.

KELLYYeah--but if you two eat thisscone, then I wont eat this scone.Thatll save me 300 calories.

BECKYThats not really a good weightloss strategy.

KELLYWell what is a good weight lossstrategy?

BECKYUsing psychology. When yourehungry, just think to yourself,"Nothing tastes as good as beingthin feels." And then when yourehalf-starved and you pass out, justthink to yourself, "Being thinfeels better than being conscious."

KELLYUm. Can I just do the standardthing, and diet while remainingconscious?

BECKYWell. I guess. You know, theresthis new book out called Dr.Smiths Guide to Being Lean andHealthy. My friend lost 30 poundsfollowing the diet in that book.And she stayed conscious the entiretime.

22.

RUSSELL(to Kelly)

I dont think you need to loseweight.

KELLYWell. Thats nice to hear--but howdo I know youre not saying thatjust to get to my sister?

RUSSELLYou mean the pepper spray girl?

KELLYYes. The pepper spray girl.

RUSSELLWould you happen to know the pepperspray girls name?

KELLYBecky.

RUSSELLAnd would you happen to know thepepper spray girls phone number?

BECKYIts 373, Piss Off Asshole.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

DANIELLESo. Ive got some interesting news.Our son has a new friend.

QUINCYOK.

DANIELLETheres more. The new friend is animaginary friend. An imaginaryadult friend. An imaginary homelessadult friend.

QUINCYAn imaginary homeless adult friendwho wears moccasins. An imaginaryhomeless adult friend who wearsmoccasins and sings the theme toLittle Orphan Annie. Animaginary...

23.

DANIELLEQuincy--stop adding stuff. Now,what are we gonna do about Parkersfriend?

QUINCYWhat do you mean?

DANIELLEI dont want my son associatingwith someone who lives on thestreet.

QUINCYHoney--its an imaginary person,who lives on an imaginary street,and wears imaginary moccasins, andsmokes imaginary crack cocaine.

DANIELLECan you just talk to him?

QUINCYHoney. Dont be stupid. Why would Italk to Parkers imaginary homelessfriend? Everyone knows thathomeless people dontlisten--especially if they smokecrack and theyre imaginary.

DANIELLEI want you to talk to Parker.

QUINCYHoney. Dont be stupid, Why would Italk to Parker, when theres afootball game on that I want towatch?

DANIELLEJust talk to him. Tell him to stophanging out with his friend.Actually, that might not work.Just, um, suggest some ways hisfriend can get a home, and a job,and whatever.

24.

NT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (PARKERS ROOM) - DAY

QUINCYParker. Ive been meaning to talkto you about your new friend.

PARKERYou mean Bill?

QUINCYIs he the homeless guy?

PARKERYeah.

QUINCYUm. Where is he?

PARKERHes in our backyard.

QUINCYIs he smoking crack?

PARKERNo. hes fixing our sprinklers.

QUINCYIs "fixing our sprinklers" a slangterm that means "shooting heroin?"

PARKERNo.

QUINCYOh. Good. Well, uh, how did Billbecome homeless?

PARKERHe says its because of threethings. One, hes lazy. Two, hisex-wife is a no good lying golddigging dirty bitch whore slut. Andthree, hes white.

QUINCYHes homeless because hes white?

PARKERYeah. he says that America has beenanti-white, ever since Obama beatthose two crackers in 2008 and2012.

25.

QUINCYCrackers?

PARKERYeah. He also called them "whitemotherfuckers."

QUINCYWell. Um. You know. How about weget Bill off of the street. He cansleep here, and take showers--andmaybe then hell find a job.

PARKERWhat about all the racism?

QUINCYWell. He can put some shoe polishon his face, so people will thinkhes black.

PARKERUm. OK. But even he looks black, Idont he can get a job wearing theclothes he has.

QUINCYYou mean his moccasins?

PARKERNo. I mean, his t-shirt that says"George Bush ate all of my Jello."

QUINCYWe can get him new clothes.

PARKEROK. Give me five hundred dollars.

QUINCYUm. OK.

He takes out an imaginary wallet and hands Parker imaginarymoney.

PARKERUm. What the hell is this?

QUINCYFive hundred dollars.

26.

PARKERHave you lost your mind? I needactual money.

QUINCYOh. I just figured youd go to animaginary store and buy imaginaryclothes.

PARKERWhy would I do that? I dont wantBill to walk around naked. Hed bebetter off wearing the George BushJello t-shirt.

QUINCYOh. Right. Well tell Bill that hecan wear my clothes.

PARKERBill doesnt like the way youdress.

QUINCYFine.

He takes out his wallet and hands Parker a ten dollar bill.

QUINCYHeres ten dollars. Tell Bill tobuy his clothes at TJ Maxx.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Corey is a class of 20 STUDENTS being addressed by a TEACHER(male, 40).

TEACHEROK. Welcome to pre-law 101. Imyour professor, Mr. Jones.

COREYObjection.

TEACHERYoure objecting to how Im Mr.Jones?

COREYNo, your honor.

27.

TEACHERYoure objecting to how thisis pre-law 101?

COREYYes, your honor.

TEACHERWhy?

COREYWell. Youre badgering the witness.

TEACHERUm. Do you know what "badgering thewitness" means?

COREY... Objection, your honor.

TEACHERObjection overruled.

(to Class)Anyways, welcome to the world oflaw. Lets get right to it, andjump into what practicing law isall really about.

He turns on a TV to Judge Judy, and then sits down andstarts smoking a cigarette.

STUDENTThis is what practicing law is allreally about?

TEACHERYes.

STUDENTThis is an episode of Judge Judy.

TEACHERRight. Watch it and learn.

STUDENTShes yelling at people, andcalling them idiots.

TEACHERRight.

28.

STUDENTUm. This isnt really what Iexpected when I signed up forpre-law.

TEACHERWhat did you expect? Judge Millian?

STUDENTNo. I expected something more likeJohnnie Cochran.

TEACHERHow much money do you make a year?

STUDENTNothing.

TEACHERHow much money did Johnnie Cochranmake a year?

STUDENTUm. Like, $5 million.

TEACHERJudge Judy makes $63 million ayear. I rest my case. Now watch andlearn.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Russell and Becky enter the restaurant and walk up to theHOST.

RUSSELLHi. Reservation for RussellEavesdropper.

She looks in her book.

HOSTUh. Yes. Follow me.

Russell and Becky follow the host to a table.

BECKY(to Russell)

Eavesdropper?

29.

RUSSELLYeah.

BECKYWhats your real last name?

RUSSELLWatkins. But its hard to getreservations under that name,because then people think youreblack, and people are racist. Onthe plus side, the name Watkinshelped me get a full scholarship toDuke University.

They sit at a table. The host hands them menus.

BECKYSo. Russell. Um. Before weofficially start this date, let meask you something. Do you havestrong opinions on Spongebob and/orPierre Duchesne?

RUSSELLI think that question is a littletoo personal for a first date. Slowdown.

BECKYOK. Fine. What do you do for aliving?

RUSSELLI sell homes. What do you do for aliving?

BECKYI sell balloons. I work at aballoon store.

RUSSELLOh. Do you mean that store onJackson Street? Elegant Balloons?

BECKYNo. Elegant Balloons is like theWalmart of balloon stores. I workat the K-Mart of balloon stores. Wedont really have that Walmartelegance. We just have cheapballoons.

30.

RUSSELLOh. Is the name of your store CheapBalloons?

BECKYI wish. Our store is called TheBallooney Bin.

RUSSELLI see.

BECKYWe sell balloons at insanely lowprices. Hence the name TheBallooney Bin.

RUSSELLRight. Yeah. Well. If Im ever offof my medication and I needballoons, Ill go to your store.

BECKYGreat. You can use my employeediscount, and get 30% off.

RUSSELLAnd if youre ever looking to buy ahouse, you can use my employeediscount and get 30% off of theliving room.

BECKYYou know, you look like a realestate agent.

RUSSELLWell. You dont look like a balloonagent.

BECKYWell. Appearances can be deceiving,OK? Ive been selling balloons fortwo and a half years.

RUSSELLYou must really love it.

BECKYMust I?

RUSSELLI dont know. Must you?

31.

BECKYLet me ask you a question. What isit like when you sell a house?

RUSSELLIts, uh. Its nice. I get acommission, and someone gets ahouse.

BECKYWell. Selling a balloon isnt quitelike that. Any time I sell aballoon, I think, "Why the hellwould anyone want to buy aballoon?"

RUSSELLOh. Well. Um. People need balloonsjust as much as they need homes.

BECKYOh really?

RUSSELLWell. You know. This is a date.Were gonna have like a two hourlong conversation. So over thosetwo hours. Im probably gonna sayfive or ten things that make nosense. That was one of them.

INT. JACK AND KELLY FOSTERS HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

JACKAre you hungry?

KELLYDo you think Im fat?

JACKWhat? No. I was just asking if youwere hungry because I want to havean early dinner.

KELLYBut Im just saying. Do you thinkIm fat?

JACKNo. I think Im fat.

32.

KELLYDont patronize me, Jack.

JACKHoney--youre not fat.

KELLYYou never even lift me up off myfeet anymore. The way you used to.Its because Im too fat for you tolift--isnt it?

JACKYoure not fat. Ill lift you upright now. You want me to lift you?

KELLYYes. ... Well? Go ahead.

JACKOK.

KELLY... What are you waiting for?

JACK... Is it OK if I do a little warmup first? Just, you know, a fewtrunk rotations, and a littlestretching.

KELLYYou need to do a warm up before youlift my fat, massive ass? When wewere newlyweds, you never used towarm up before you lifted me. Butnow you think Im fat.

JACKHoney. Im 52 years old and Ihavent done any heavy lifting in ayear.

KELLYHeavy lifting? So you think Imheavy.

JACKNo. I said heavy lifting. As in,lifting anything more than 50pounds is heavy lifting. If I wereto lift Angelina Jolie, that wouldalso be heavy lifting.

33.

KELLYOh. So you think I weigh more thanAngelina Jolie? Is that what youresaying?

JACKNo.

KELLYSo youre saying I weigh less thanAngelina Jolie?

JACKUm. Well. Yes?

KELLYWrong answer.

JACKI meant to say no.

KELLYThats also the wrong answer.

JACKHoney--you dont look fat. Now canwe just drop this topic?

KELLYYeah. Sorry. I just--I dont know.Ill drop it.

JACKOK.

KELLY... Can you just lift me, though?

JACKWhat?

KELLYJust pick me up. You can warm upfirst.

JACKFine.

KELLYReally?

34.

JACKReally. No warm up. Ill pick youup. Right now. Stand up.

She stands up.

JACKOK. But before I sweep you off ofyour feet, let me just say this.How much do you weigh? Ballpark. AmI lifting over 150, or under 150?

KELLYUnder 150!

JACKGreat. How under 150 are you?

KELLYIm negative 15 pounds under 150.Now lift.

JACKNegative 15 pounds? So you weigh165?

KELLYJust pick me up.

JACKOK. No problem.

He picks her up.

KELLYAre you sweating?

JACKYes--but I was sweating before Ipicked you up. Im having a veryeasy time holding you. OK. Imgonna put you down now. Im gonnaput your light body down.

He puts her down.

KELLYYou look like youre out of breath.

JACKNo I dont. Im just in the moodfor a lot of oxygen. You know. Itsnot you. Its me and the fact that

(MORE)

35.

JACK (contd)I feel like having a lot of air inmy lungs right now. ... Anyways.About dinner. How about I order apizza?

KELLYFine. But youre gonna eat most ofit.

JACKOK.

He walks out of the room. Kelly looks down at the table, andsee the half-eaten scone from the earlier coffee chop scene.She picks it up and takes a bite. She then picks up a bookfrom the table, and reads the cover.

KELLYDr. Smiths Guide to Being Lean andHealthy.

She opens the book and starts reading. A holographicman--DR. SMITH (Male, 40)--pops out of the book, sort oflike a genie coming out of a lamp.

DR. SMITHIm the world renowned Dr. Smith,chief dietary researcher at HarvardUniversity.

He grabs the scone and throws it in the trash.

DR. SMITHAnd according to my 100% conclusiveresearch, you should eat a pound offruit and a pint of tomato juiceevery hour. Otherwise, youll gaina hundred pounds in two months, andthen drop dead on Christmas Eve.

KELLYOh. Um. That sounds like a lot offruit and tomato juice.

DR. SMITHAre you chief dietary researcher atHarvard University?

KELLYUm. No.

36.

DR. SMITHDid you even go to HarvardUniversity?

KELLYNo.

DR. SMITHAre you a doctor?

KELLYNo. Im an interior designer.

DR. SMITHThen shut your mouth and follow myadvice, interior designer.

KELLYOK.

DR. SMITHThatll be $27.99.

KELLYI already paid $27.99 for yourbook.

DR. SMITHIm a doctor--and I said, thatllbe $27.99!

KELLYFine.

She grabs her pursue, takes out $30, and hands it to him.

DR. SMITHNow drink some tomato juice and eatsome fruit.

KELLYCan I have pizza for dinner?

DR. SMITHNo.

KELLYCan I have my $2 in change?

DR. SMITHNo.

He opens the freezer, and grabs a large rump roast.

37.

DR. SMITHDont eat this.

He walks out holding the rump roast.

Seconds later, Jack walks into the kitchen.

JACKUm. Who was that guy walking out ofour home with a frozen rump roast?

KELLYDr. Smith.

JACKRight. And who was that other guywalking out of our home with a bowlof egg foo yung?

KELLYI dont know.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Danielle and Quincy

DANIELLEParkers school called. He got an Atriple plus on his science project.

QUINCYHow did he get so many pluses?

DANIELLEHe built a mini nuclear powerplant.

QUINCYYou mean out of plastic cups,toothpicks, and tomato juice?

DANIELLENo. Out of steel, toothpicks, anduranium.

QUINCYOK. Well that explains why we haveno more toothpicks in the cupboard.

(yells out to another room)Parker! Come here!

Parker walks in from the kitchen.

38.

PARKERWhat?

QUINCYHow the hell did you builda nuclear power plant?

PARKERBill helped me.

QUINCYWell where did you get the uranium?

PARKERBill got it from his new job.

QUINCYDoes he work for the Libyans?

PARKERNo. Walmart.

QUINCYOh.

PARKERI have to go back in the kitchenand finish making dinner.

QUINCYDinner?

PARKERYeah.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

(Minutes later)

Quincy, Danielle, and Parker are eating dinner.

QUINCYHoly crap this is good. I feel likeIm eating a McNugget, a Big Mac,and a Filet-o-Fish at the sametime. What do you call this?

PARKERFried shrimp.

39.

QUINCYYou made this?

PARKERMe and Bill made it.

QUINCYWell wheres Bill.

PARKERHe had to go back to work atWalmart.

QUINCY(to Danielle)

Honey--Bill and Parker made this.

DANIELLEI heard.

QUINCYThis is so good.

DANIELLEIt is good. Parkers a good cook.

QUINCYAnd Bill. Bill did most of thework.

DANIELLE(sarcastically)

Well good for Bill.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

TEACHEROK, class. Were taking a fieldtrip today.

COREYAre we going to Six Flags?

TEACHERNo--were going to court.

COREYWell. If we go to Six Flags, we canuse this coupon I have on the backof my Coke can.

40.

TEACHERWere not going to Six Flags.

COREYYou get $10 off per person.

TEACHERThat would be great if we weregoing to Six Flags. But were not.Were going to court.

COREYThey have a new ride at Six Flags.

TEACHERWell. That information would berelevant to us if we were going toSix Flags. But were not. Weregoing to court.

COREYAre you sure?

TEACHERNo.

EXT. SIX FLAGS TICKET BOOTH - DAY

The Teacher, Corey, and other Students are in the front ofthe line.

EMPLOYEEWelcome to Six Flags. How manytickets do you want?

TEACHER20. But tomorrow, were going tocourt.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Kelly is seated at a table, eating a pear and drinking a V8.

DR. JONES (male, 45, wearing a stethoscope) walks up to her.

DR. JONESWhat are you eating?

KELLYA pear.

41.

DR. JONESAnd what are you drinking?

KELLYA V8.

He grans the pear and V8, and throws them into a fountain.

KELLYUm. Who the hell are you?

DR. JONESIm Dr. Jones--head of nutrition atYale University.

(pulls several large stacks ofpapers out of his pants)

And I have a thousand pages of goldstandard studies proving one thing:you need to eat no fruit, awagonful of tomato paste, and aspoonful of Mexican chia seeds--inthe most delightful way. Otherwise,youll end up in a diabetic comaand die on Groundhogs Day. Peoplesee will your corpse and itsshadow--and theyll say, "Shesdead, and winters over."

KELLYWhat about Dr. Smith? He told me toeat fruit.

DR. JONESHes dead. Why would you listen toa nutritionist who died at the ageof 50?

KELLYDid he die of diabetes orsomething?

DR. JONESNo. I killed that son of a bitch.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

Quincy and Danielle are eating lunch. Parker walks in.

QUINCYSo hows the nuclear stuff going?Is there any way we can use it tocharge my iPhone?

42.

PARKERWell. Bills been busy--so wehavent been doing much nuclearfission lately. He got a promotionat Walmart.

QUINCYWell how about that!

(to Danielle)Honey--Bill got a promotion!

DANIELLE(unenthusiastically)

Great.

QUINCYYou dont seem very excited.

DANIELLEIm excited.

QUINCYYou dont seem very excited thatyour sons best friend went frombeing homeless to being anassistant manager at Walmart.

DANIELLEIm excited.

PARKERHe also got you guys a gift.

QUINCYBill got us a gift?

PARKERYeah. You know. To thank you forgiving him a home and clothes.

Parker walks out of the room, and comes back dragging a bigheavy bag. He opens the bag, and CAPN CRUNCH walks out.

QUINCYIts Capn Crunch.

(to Danielle)Bill got us Capn Crunch as a gift.

CAPN CRUNCH(in Australian accent)

Gday mate!

43.

QUINCYHoly crap. Youre Australian!

CAPN CRUNCHOf course Im Australian. Thatswhy you have the legal right to putme in a sack.

DANIELLEParker--where did you get this guy?

PARKERI told you. Bill got him as a giftfor you guys.

QUINCYMan. That Bill is really something.

(to Danielle)You know, maybe we should set Billup with your sister.

DANIELLEWhat the hell are you talkingabout?

QUINCYYou know what Im talkingabout. Bill is an awesome guy. Hemakes great food, he does nuclearphysics, he fixed oursprinklers--and Ive only seen himdoing crack once since he moved inhere.

DANIELLEQuincy--Im not gonna set Bill upwith my sister.

QUINCYAnd whys that? Is it because heused to be homeless?

DANIELLENo. Its because hes, uh...

QUINCYIs it because hes black?

DANIELLENo.

44.

QUINCYHes not really black. I just toldParker to have him put shoe polishon his face.

DANIELLEYou did what?

QUINCYWe had Bill dress up in blackfaceto help him get a job. You know.Because Obama beat those two whitemotherfuckers.

DANIELLEAre you crazy?

QUINCYWell--it worked, didnt it. I mean,Bill just got a promotion atWalmart. I really think we shouldset him up with Becky.

DANIELLEWell. Ill ask her if shesinterested.

QUINCYCall her up and ask her right now.

DANIELLEIll ask her later. Im eatinglunch right now.

CAPN CRUNCHYou want some cereal with yourlunch?

DANIELLENo thanks, Captain. I prefer eatingcereal for breakfast.

CAPN CRUNCHIm not a Captain. Im a CapN.C-A-P apostrophe N.

DANIELLEWhats the difference?

CAPN CRUNCHThe difference is, a captain sailson water, while a capn sails onmilk.

45.

Danielle gets up.

DANIELLE(to Quincy)

OK. Im going to Beckys house.

CAPN CRUNCHYou want to eat some cereal beforeyou go, as an after lunch snack?

DANIELLEFuck off, captain.

CAPN CRUNCHCapN. I sail on milk--not water.

DANIELLEGreat. Why dont you find some milkand sail your ass out of ourkitchen?

INT. BECKYS APARTMENT - DAY

Kelly, Becky, and Danielle are seated at a kitchenettetable.

KELLY(to Becky)

So how are things going with thatlawyer who talks to himself?

BECKYWell. I was eavesdropping on himthe other day, and he saidsomething about how thinks Im highmaintenance.

DANIELLEWait. You heard him say that tohimself?

BECKYNo. I read the texts on his cellphone.

DANIELLEWell, who did he send those textsto?

BECKYHimself. He sent them to himself.

46.

KELLYUm. Reading someones texts doesntreally count as eavesdropping.

BECKYLets not talk about myrelationships. Im done talkingabout them. Remember?

DANIELLEFine.

BECKYBy the way--Im dating that guy Ithreatened to pepper spray a fewdays ago.

KELLYWhat?

BECKYYeah. After you guys left, I gavehim my phone number. And we justhad our third date.

KELLYSo youre kind of cheating on thelawyer.

BECKYNo Im not. Hes not my boyfriend.

KELLYBut you said that he said that hesyour boyfriend.

BECKYYeah. But he said that to himself.He didnt say it to me. Plus, theother day, I said that I think weshould see other people.

DANIELLEAnd what did he say?

BECKYWell. He didnt say anything.Because I didnt say it to him. Isaid it to myself while he was inthe other room. But I know he heardme say it.

47.

DANIELLESo now youre talking to yourself,too?

BECKYHey. If he can play that card, socan I.

DANIELLEWell. Maybe its time to break upwith bachelor number one, and startseeing a psychologist.

BECKYHey. Its not me. Relationships areconfusing and complex. But I dontwant to talk about myrelationships. Remember?

KELLYDoes anyone want the rest of mysandwich?

DANIELLEOh great. Not this again.

BECKYHows the diet going?

KELLYIm not sure. Im still trying tofigure out if Im on Dr. Smithsdiet or Dr. Joness diet. Dietingis confusing and complex. Likerelationships.

DANIELLEMaybe you should start talking toyour sandwiches.

INT. COREYS ROOM - DAY

Jack and Corey

JACKOK. Youve gotten $250 worth ofcollege so far. What have youlearned?

COREYWell. Word on campus is that someguy named Tony Robinson sells thebest weed.

48.

JACKGreat. What have you learned fromyour classes?

COREYWell. Im taking three classes.History, English, and Pre-Law. And,you know, I got my face buried intextbooks. Im doing copiousamounts of research on History, andEnglish, and Pre-Law. By the way,for those of you who areuneducated, "copious" means, like,a lot.

JACKGreat. So what have you learnedfrom all of your copious research?

COREYWell. Thanks to my copiousresearch, I made a very valuablediscovery. I became the first manto crack the century code. Yeah. Iknow what it all means. Heres whatit comes down to. When a book sayssomething like "the 16th century,"thats code for the 1500s. Or likewhen a book says "the 17thcentury," thats code for the1600s. You subtract one. So thatsthe code. Is that worth $250?

JACKWell. Lets talk about your major.Is it gonna be law, or "Dad--Idont know?"

COREYI dont know, dad. I mean, thething is, I just dont like JudgeJudy that much. I thought law wassupposed to be more like Dog DayAfternoon.

JACKWhat the hell are you talkingabout?

COREYYou know. "Youre out of order!Youre out of order! The wholetrial is out of order!" Theresnone of that on Judge Judy.

49.

JACKIt sounds like $250 worth of braincells have been removed from yourhead.

INT. KELLY AND JACKS HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

Kelly is sitting at a kitchen table, watching TV. She has acan of tomato juice, a pear, a bag of chia seeds, and a canof tomato paste in front of her.

KELLYOK. I can listen to Dr. Jones ofHarvard, or Dr. Smith of Yale. Do Iwant to die on Groundhogs Day, oron Christmas?

MAN (ON TV)I lost 100 pounds, and Im endorsedby the trifecta of Oprah, AngelinaJolie, and Mahatma Gandhi. Thatsthe real gold standard. And Iveproven that you should not eatfruit in a house, you should noteat gluten with a mouse, youshould eat the mouse, but not withbread, eat rice instead, or youllbe flabby and dead. Oh yeah. Notomatoes, tomato juice, tomatosauce, or tomato paste.

KELLY(to Man on TV)

But Dr. Jones told me to drinktomato juice, and Dr. Smith told meto eat tomato paste.

The Man steps out of the TV and into the kitchen. He takesoff his clothes.

MANI lost 100 pounds. You cant arguewith a guy whos lost 100 pounds.

Jack walks into the kitchen, and, without noting the Man, hegrabs a slice of pizza out of the refrigerator.

MAN(to Jack)

You cant eat that. It containsgluten. And tomatoes. And dairy.

50.

KELLYYou cant eat dairy, either?

MANNo.

JACK(to Kelly)

Honey. Why is a naked man tellingme I cant eat this slice of pizza?Does this have something to do withyour diet?

KELLYYeah.

JACKGreat. First the rump roast man,and now this guy.

MAN(to Kelly)

By the way--you can eat rump roastson my diet.

KELLYDr. Smith told me not to eat rumproasts.

MANHave you ever seen Dr. Smith naked?

KELLYNo.

MANWell then why the hell would youlisten to his dietary advice?

JACK(to Kelly)

He makes a good point, honey.

MANIve lost 100 pounds. Has Dr. Smithlost 100 pounds?

KELLYNo.

MANWell then you need to eat a rumproast.

51.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

Quincy is eating a giant bowl of Capn Crunch. Danielle isseated across from him.

QUINCYIm beginning to really like thisBill feller. I mean, hes a nuclearphysicist, hes assistant managerat Walmart, he cooks, and he evengot us the Capn. And its justnice to see Bill turn his lifearound. I mean, I hear that Walmartmight promote him up to manager.

DANIELLEQuincy--you do realize that hesimaginary.

QUINCYYeah. But Im just saying--hesreally amazing. Im thinking oftaking him to the bar to meet theguys.

The camera reveals Capn Crunch making more cereal.

CAPN CRUNCHCan I come, too?

QUINCYNo, stupid. Youre a fictionalcharacter.

Danielle gets up.

DANIELLE(to Quincy)

OK. Im gonna go to the coffeeshop.

The Naked Man from the the earlier scene walks into thekitchen.

MANYou shouldnt drink coffee. Itlloverstimulate your adrenal glands,and make you gain weight.

DANIELLEWho the hell are you?

52.

MANIm the naked guy whos lost 100pounds.

DANIELLEGood for you. Get the hell out ofmy kitchen.

He leaves.

DANIELLE(to Quincy)

Bye, honey.

QUINCYBye.

She leaves.

Quincy continues eating his cereal.

CAPN CRUNCHShould I make some more cereal?

QUINCYWell. Can you make something otherthan Capn Crunch cereal?

CAPN CRUNCHWhat do you mean?

QUINCYLike, can you make Coca Puffs?

CAPN CRUNCHIm gonna pretend you didnt saythat.

Parker walks in.

QUINCYParker. If I go to Walmart, do youthink Bill can get me a discount onsome Cocoa Puffs?

CAPN CRUNCHFuck you.

PARKER(to Quincy)

I dont know. I havent beentalking to Bill that much lately.

53.

QUINCYWhy?

PARKERWell. We got into a fight.

QUINCYAbout what?

PARKERWell. He was sleeping in my room.And I saw something moving underthe blankets. It was Bills hand.He was masturbating.

QUINCYUm. What?

PARKERBill masturbated in his bed lastnight.

QUINCYOh. Well. How do you know whatmasturbating is?

PARKERBill told me. I said, "What are youdoing?" And he was like, "Immasturbating."

QUINCYDid you tell him to stop?

PARKERYeah.

QUINCYDid he stop?

PARKERNo.

QUINCYYoure kidding. Bill did that?

PARKERYeah.

QUINCYThat doesnt sound like the Bill Iknow.

54.

CAPN CRUNCH(to Quincy)

If you want a chocolate cereal, Ican make Capn Crunchs ChocolateyCrunch.

QUINCYNot now, Capn. Im trying to havea talk with my son about the man inhis bedroom who masturbates atnight.

CAPN CRUNCHUm. Im not capable of processinginformation that isnt related tocereal.

QUINCYOK. Let me put it this way. Imtrying to have a talk with my sonabout the man in his bedroom whoeats cereal and masturbates atnight.

CAPN CRUNCHOh. OK. I get it. Cereal andmasturbation. ... What kind ofcereal does he eat?

QUINCYIt doesnt really matter. Thecereals not the issue here. Itsthe masturbation.

CAPN CRUNCHIf I had a nickel for every timeIve heard someone say that.

EXT. PIZZERIA - DAY

Kelly walks by a pizzeria, and sees Becky and Russell seatedat a table eating pizza. She walks in.

INT. PIZZERIA - DAY

Becky and Russell are seated at a table, and eatingpizza. Kelly walks in.

KELLYHi.

55.

BECKYHi.

KELLYI was just walking by, and I sawyou, and your pizza, and yourfriend here.

BECKY(to Russell)

Uh. Russell. You remember my sisterKelly from the coffee shop--right?

RUSSELLWell. She looks a little different.

(to Kelly)Have you lost weight?

KELLYYes. Im on fur different diets,and Ive already lost an eighth ofa pound.

BECKYUm. You want some pizza?

KELLYUm. No. It has too much fat. Andcarbs. And salt. Also, its flour iswhite. Its against gay rights.Itll elevate my triglycerides,itll modulate my rhinocerides,itll make my gut get supersized,itll give me double thunderthighs. Its not right for my bloodtype, it doesnt connect to myiPhone, it doesnt match mydoorknob, it doesnt get along withmy mailman. It smells like teenspirit, it looks like Gene Shalit,it sounds like Vladimir Putin, itcontains dairy and gluten. Itshiding a voice recorder, its toiletis out of order, it isnt certifiedorganic, and it really doesnttrust Hispanics. I can give you 127more reasons why I shouldnt eat aslice of pizza.

56.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

Quincy and Danielle

QUINCYI was, uh, talking to Parkerearlier. And he told me somethingthat Bill did last night.

DANIELLEWhat--did he build a nuclear powerplant?

QUINCYUh. No. Parker saw Billmasturbating in his bed.

DANIELLEWhat? He saw Bill masturbating?

QUINCYWell. Yeah. But, you know what? Ithink Parkers lying.

DANIELLEWhat do you mean Parkers lying?

QUINCYHes making it up.

DANIELLEOf course hes making it up.

QUINCYSo we both agree that Bill didntmasturbate in his bed. He justslept. And Parker made up the wholemasturbating thing.

DANIELLEParker made up the whole Billthing. Bill isnt a person.

QUINCYThats just like you, Danielle.Youre always badmouthing Bill,just because he used to behomeless.

DANIELLEBill is imaginary.

57.

QUINCYWell what do you want to do?

DANIELLELets talk to Parker.

QUINCY(calls out to another room)

Parker! Come here!

Parker enters the room.

PARKERWhat?

DANIELLEYour father and I were just talkingabout you and Bill.

QUINCYParker. Youre grounded.

PARKERWhat? Why?

QUINCYFor making up that whole thingabout Bill masturbating. Yourmother and I both agree that youmade it up.

PARKERBut I didnt make it up. Hemasturbated last night.

DANIELLEQuincy--can I talk to you in thekitchen for a second?

QUINCYThis is the kitchen. See? Theres arefrigerator right there. And CapnCrunch is standing by the watercooler.

DANIELLEFine. Can I talk to you in thebathroom for a second?

58.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

DANIELLEQuincy--you cant ground Parkerjust because hes telling us hisimaginary friend masturbated.

QUINCYListen. If anyones gonnamasturbate in this house, itsgonna be me. OK?

DANIELLEWhat?

QUINCYThe point is, I dont like the typeof person Parkers turning Billinto.

DANIELLESo youre gonna ground him becauseyou dont like this new plot twisthe made in the life of Bill?

QUINCYExactly. Hes damaging Billsreputation. Besides, I dont thinkBill really masturbated in Parkersroom. I think Parker made the wholething up.

DANIELLEOf course he made the whole thingup.

QUINCY(calls out to another room)

Parker! Get in here!

Parker walks into the room.

PARKERWhat?

QUINCYYour mother and I both agree thatyou made up the whole story aboutBill masturbating.

PARKERBut he really masturbated.

59.

DANIELLEI know he did, honey. Now go toyour room. Wait. Is Bill in yourroom?

PARKERYeah.

DANIELLEWell then, go somewhere other thanyour room.

INT. THE BALLOONEY BIN - DAY

Becky is blowing some balloons. Russell walks in.

RUSSELLHi.

BECKYRussell. What are you doing here?

RUSSELLWell. I just wanted to see you.

BECKYWhat for?

RUSSELLYou know. Cause I like you.

BECKYOh. OK.

RUSSELLAnd I just wanted to see you inaction here at the Ballooney Bin.Now how about you sell me someballoons?

BECKYOK. What kind of balloons are youlooking for?

RUSSELLWater.

BECKYYou want water balloons?

60.

RUSSELLYeah.

BECKYWho are you gonna throw them at?

RUSSELLUm. Probably my grandmother. Or Ican just fill them up, and put themin the middle of the park, with asign that says Free Water Balloons.And then what happens, happens.

INT. JACK AND KELLY FOSTERS HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

Kelly is wearing a traditional Japanese outfit, and usingchopsticks to eat rice.

JACKUm. Why are you using chopsticks toeat rice?

KELLYIm on the Okinawan diet.

JACKI thought you were on that nakedguys diet.

KELLYI am.

JACKWas that naked guy Okinawan?

KELLYNo.

JACKAre all Okinawans naked?

KELLYWhat the hell are you talkingabout?

JACKWhat diet are you on?

KELLYIm on the naked guys diet, andthe Okinawan diet. And Im alsokind of on Dr. Smiths diet. AndDr. Joness diet.

61.

JACKWhy are you on all four of thosediets?

KELLYWhat do you mean why? Dr. Smith isfrom Harvard, Dr. Jones is fromYale, the naked guy lost 100pounds, and Okinawan women allweigh 100 pounds and live to theage of 100.

A WOMAN walks into the kitchen.

WOMANIs that rice?

KELLYYes.

The Woman slaps Kelly in the face.

WOMANRice is way too high in carbs.Dont eat rice. Just eat mice. Youhad 67 grams of rice carbs forlunch, and 52 grams of Corn Flakecarbs for breakfast. That means fordinner, you should have a gallon ofwater for desert, and a main courseof one finger down your throat. Anyquestions?

KELLYWho the hell are you?

WOMANIm a doctor, and I lost 157pounds.

JACKLet me you tell me something,Missy. Before my wife takes youradvice, Im gonna have to see younaked.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

Quincy is eating a bowl of Capn Crunchs Chocolatey Crunch.Parker walks in.

62.

PARKERIs that Cocoa Puffs?

QUINCYNo. This is Capn CrunchsChocolatey Crunch.

Capn Crunch is at the kitchen counter, making more cereal.

CAPN CRUNCHDamn right it is!

PARKERWhats the difference between CocoaPuffs and Capn Crunchs ChocolateyCrunch?

CAPN CRUNCHWhats the difference! Thedifference is Im a Capn--not afreaking cuckoo bird. Plus, CocaPuffs is made out of coal andurine.

PARKEROh. OK.

QUINCYSo how are things between you andBill?

PARKERTheyre good.

QUINCYIs he, uh, still masturbating inyour room?

PARKERNo.

QUINCYWell. Great. Wheres Bill now?

PARKERHes on a date.

QUINCYOh really? Whos he on a date with?

PARKERAunt Becky.

63.

QUINCYWow! Really?

PARKERYeah. Bill says the two of them arereally getting serious.

QUINCYHoly crap! I cant wait to talk toyour mother about this!

INT. PACKING SUPPLY STORE - DAY

Corey walks up to an EMPLOYEE (male, 50).

COREYHi. I noticed that you have bubblewrap for sale.

EMPLOYEEYeah. Do you want some?

COREYNo. I already have plenty.

EMPLOYEEOK. Do you want some boxes?

COREYNo. Im Corey Foster, attorney atpre-law.

EMPLOYEEPre-law?

COREYIm with the firm of Mr. JacksonsPre-law 101. Are you interested insuing someone?

EMPLOYEEUm. No.

COREYYou know, there are a lot ofuntapped areas in the bubble wraplawsuit market. According to myextensive online research, a grandtotal of zero bubble wrap relatedlawsuits have been filed in the USsince the invention of bubble wrapin 1492.

64.

EMPLOYEEBubble wrap was invented in 1492?

COREYUm. Probably. Anyways, I think weshould sue the company that makesthe air that goes in your bubblewrap.

EMPLOYEEUm. I dont think any company makesair.

COREYWell. We can sue the tobaccoindustry. Because sometimescigarettes are packed in bubblewrap. You know. Cigarettes causelung cancer, and emphysema, andAIDS.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Parker is on a cell phone. Quincy is eating cereal.

PARKER(to cell phone)

What? ... I dont know. .... Well,just take a nap. ... OK. Bye.

Parker puts away the phone.

QUINCYWhen did you get a cell phone?

PARKERBill gave it to me. That was him onthe phone. He said he got firedfrom Walmart.

QUINCYWhy? What happened? Did he forgetto put shoe polish on his face?Cause if he did, we can file aracial discrimination lawsuit. Theycant fire him just because hes awhite person whos been disguisinghimself as a black person.

PARKERHe showed up to work drunk.

65.

QUINCYWhat? Hes been clean and sober fora while now--except for that onetime I saw him doing crack. Why didhe start drinking again?

PARKERHe was mad about Aunt Becky.

QUINCYWhy?

PARKERWell. Im not sure. He didnt tellthe whole story. But he did saythat shes a no good lying golddigging dirty bitch whore slut.

QUINCYOh really?

EXT. BECKYS APARTMENT - NIGHT

Becky and Jim

BECKYJim. We need to talk.

JIMAbout what? Let me guess. Canadianpolitics.

BECKYNo. Our relationship.

JIMWell. I Was pretty close.

BECKYCanadian politics isnt prettyclose to our relationship.

JIMTheyre very close. I mean,Canadian politics is meaningless,and our relationship ismeaningless.

BECKYYeah. Well. I want to talk aboutour meaningless relationship.

66.

JIMWell. Ive talked it over withmyself. And I think Im ready totake this relationship to the nextlevel.

BECKYYou better not ask me to put on aSpongebob costume.

JIMUh. No. I want to introduce you tomy step-cousin.

BECKYYour step-cousin? Dont you want tointroduce me to your parents?

JIMI think its a little too soon forthat. Besides. Im sure my motherwill hate you.

BECKYWhy? Has she hated all of yourgirlfriends?

JIMNo. I just think shell hate youspecifically.

The phone rings. Becky picks it up.

BECKY(on phone)

Hello. ... Quincy--what are youdoing here? ... Fine.

She presses a button on the phone.

BECKYThat was my brother-in-law.

JIMYoure married?

BECKYNo. That was my sisters husband. Ijust buzzed him up. He wants totalk to me.

The doorbell rings.

67.

BECKYJust wait here.

The doorbell rings. Becky answers it.

BECKYUh. Hi.

QUINCYHi.

BECKYWhat brings you here?

QUINCYWhy dont you go ahead and guess?

BECKYI dont know. Something other thanCanadian politics?

QUINCYExactly. Im here because of Bill.

BECKYBill who?

QUINCYBill the Bill youve been dating.Thats Bill who.

Jim walks over to the door.

JIM(to Becky)

Bill the Bill youve been dating?

QUINCY(to Becky)

Who the hell is this?

BECKYThis is Jim.

JIMJim the Jim shes been dating.

QUINCY(to Becky)

Jim the Jim youve been dating? Soyou are two-timing Bill.

68.

JIM(to Becky)

Youve been seeing someone else?

BECKYYes--but its not Bill.

JIMWhat?

BECKYI mean no. Im not seeing someoneelse. But I do want to break upwith you.

JIMBecause of Bill?

BECKYI dont know who the hell Bill is.

QUINCYBill was right. You are a liar.

BECKYWho the hell is Bill?

QUINCYHes he guy youve been dating, andhes the guy whose Walmart discountyouve been using for the past twodays.

JIM(to Becky)

Now I know why youve beenshopping so much at Walmart lately.

BECKYThats not why. I just likeWalmart.

QUINCYListen, Becky. Bills a great guy.Hes an amazing guy. Dont believethose rumors about him masturbatingnext to a ten year old boy. Bill isawesome. He does nuclear physics.He cooks.

JIMI gotta admit. Bill sounds prettyamazing. Doesnt he?

69.

BECKYWell. I guess.

JIMI want talking to you. I wastalking to me.

BECKYWell. Tell you that you should stoptalking to yourself.

JIMBecky. Just answer this. Do youwant to be with me and meet mystep-cousin, or do you want to bewith Bill and meet his step cousin?

BECKYI dont want to meet anyones stepcousin.

(to Jim and Quincy)And I want both of you to get outof my apartment.

add scene

INT. THE BALLOONEY BIN - DAY

CUSTOMERAre these balloons inflatable?

BECKYUh. Yeah.

CUSTOMERDo they have a maximum aircapacity?

BECKYYes.

CUSTOMERDo they have a minimum aircapacity?

BECKYNo.

CUSTOMERThank you. Youve been veryhelpful.

70.

He turns around and walks out of the store. Becky grabs awater bottle off of a counter and drinks some water.

A POLICE OFFICER (male, 40) walks into the store.

POLICE OFFICERBecky Lewis. Youre under arrest.

BECKYFor what?

POLICE OFFICERThe murder of Bill.

BECKYBill?

POLICEYeah. Bill.

BECKYBill who?

POLICEYou know. Bill.

BECKYI dont know Bill.

POLICEBullshit! You know him! Everyoneknows youve been dating him! Andno one has seen him over the past24 hours.

BECKYIve never seen him.

POLICEWheres the body?

BECKYThe body?!

POLICEYes! The body! Whats that in yourbottle? Is it Bills blood?

BECKYThis isnt even red.

71.

POLICEIs it Bills urine?

BECKYThis isnt even yellow. Its water.

POLICEThe human body is 95% water! Thatmust be Bills water! Youredrinking the 95% water from hisbody! That water is gonna beexhibit A.

INT. COURT BUILDING - DAY

Becky is seated outside of a courtroom. We can only see herface and neck. Jim walks up to her.

BECKYJim.

JIMBecky. What are you doing here?

BECKYI, uh, Im contesting a ticket.

We see that Becky is wearing an orange jumpsuit andhandcuffs, and is accompanied by an OFFICER.

JIMWhy are you in an orange jumpsuitand handcuffs?

BECKYIm contesting a ticket for killingsomeone.

JIMOh. Well. Who did you kill?

BECKYNo one. Thats why Im contestingthe ticket.

JIMI see. Well. If you dont getconvicted or murder, do you want tomaybe go out again? You stillhavent met my step cousin.

72.

BECKYI dont know.

JIMWell. Ill call you. I shouldprobably get going now. I got areally big divorce case today.

BECKYWhos getting divorced?

JIMUm. Me.

BECKYYoure married?!

JIMYeah. Anyways, Ill call you.

INT. WALMART - DAY

Danielle is at the front of a cash register. The CASHIERlooks at her items.

CASHIEROK. Lets see. Coca Puffs, shoepolish, and moccasins. It soundslike youre planning to have areally wild night.

DANIELLENot really.

CASHIERBy the way--you cant really usethis shoe polish topolish moccasins.

DANIELLEI know.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

A JUDGE (female, 50), LAWYERS, and various OTHER PEOPLE arein attendance.

JUDGEOkay. Judgement is in favor of theplaintiff, in the amount of $953million. Lets move on to our nextcase.

73.

Kelly walks into the courtroom.

JUDGEKelly Foster is suing Dr. Jones,Dr. Smith, a naked guy, a clothedwoman, and the country of Okinawafor bullshit diet advice.

Dr. Jones, Dr. Smith, the Naked Man, and several OKINAWANPEOPLE are in the defendants section.

Corey is seated in the courtroom, as are his Classmates andhis Teacher.

COREY(to Kelly)

Mom?

KELLYCorey? What are you doing here?

COREYIm studying law with my pre-lawclass. This is our field trip. Iwanted to go to Six Flags.

JUDGE(to Kelly)

Mrs. Foster. Why exactly are yousuing these people and the countryof Okinawa?

KELLYBecause fuck them and their diets.

The Judge slams her gavel.

JUDGEOK. I find in favor of theplaintiff, in the amount of onerump roast.

KELLYOne rump roast?

JUDGEYeah. the defendants have to payyou one rump roast. By the way--youcan eat rump roasts. Theyre low incarbs.

74.

KELLYFuck you.

JUDGE(to the Court)

OK. Next case.

Becky is escorted into the room.

COREYAunt Becky?

BECKYHi Corey.

JUDGEBecky Landers, Youve been chargedwith murdering Bill. How do youplead?

BECKYNot guilty, your honor.

JUDGESo you didnt murder Bill?

BECKYNo. I dont even know Bill.

JUDGEBullshit. You knew him, and youkilled him.

COREYObjection, your honor.

JUDGEWho the hell are you?

COREYIm Corey.

JUDGEArent you the guy who was sittingoutside of the courtroom poppingbubble wrap?

COREYYes. Im him. Corey Foster,attorney at pre-law. Would youhappen to know anyone who packscigarettes in bubble wrap, and hasAIDS?

75.

JUDGENo. Now whats your objection?

COREYThe defendant is my Aunt.

JUDGESo?

COREYWell. Um. Youre badgering thewitness.

JUDGEObjection overruled.

(to Becky)Becky Landers, you killed Bill.

Danielle walks in to the courtroom, Shes wearing moccasins,and has shoe polish on her face.

DANIELLE(in mans voice)

Objection, your honor.JUDGE

Who are you?

DANIELLE(in mans voice)

Im Bill.

JUDGESo youre Bill?

DANIELLE(in mans voice)

Yes. Yes. Im Bill.

JUDGERight. Yeah. I can tell, becauseyoure black, and youre wearingmoccasins. Like Bill. So, uh, didBecky Landers murder you?

DANIELLE(in mans voice)

No.

JUDGEProve it.

76.

DANIELLE(in mans voice)

Well. Im not dead.

JUDGEWell see about that! Countbackwards from 100 to 0.

DANIELLE(in mans voice)

Um. 100, 99, 98, 97...

Cut to later.

DANIELLE(in mans voice)

...5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.

JUDGEWell. I guess youre not dead. Inthat case--

(to Becky)Becky Landers, youre not guilty.

(to Danielle)And Bill--youre under arrest formasturbating next to a ten year oldboy.

COREYObjection, your honor. Yourebadgering the witness.

JUDGEObjection sustained.

(to Danielle)Bill--youre free to go.

COREYIs it because hes black?

JUDGENo.

INT. DANIELLE AND QUINCYS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Danielle, Kelly, Becky, and Quincy are watching TV. Kelly iseating a scone.

DANIELLEIsnt the State of the UnionAddress on right now?

77.

QUINCYYeah. But were watching JudgeJudy.

DANIELLEIts the commercials.

QUINCYFine. Well watch the State of theUnion Address during thecommercials.

She changes the channel to Obamas State of the UnionAddress.

(ON TV) INT. CONGRESS - DAY

BARACK OBAMASo in summary, weve done a lot ofgood stuff, blah blah blah, Im areally good President. There yougo. Theres the State of theUnion. Oh. One more thing.

He uses a towel to rub some of the black color off of hisface, and reveals white skin underneath.

BARACK OBAMAIm not really black. I just putshoe polish on my face so I wouldget elected over those two whitemotherfuckers.