Different Dynamics of Conflict

8/9/2019 Different Dynamics of Conflict

1/29

Dynamics of Conict

Synonymous with this topic must come a discussion as to the

"nature of conict" and the cultural/psychological response to

the phenomenon of diverse perspectives occupying the same

space. Whether in the church community or the corporate worl

leadership must encompass the emotional intelligence needed

"lead from a dierent place." This means departing from

traditional roles where leaders directed the resolution to the

stance of facilitating the resolution of conict.

The Nature of Conict

Thomas Crum in The Magic of Conictreminds us that "Conict is natu


2/29

neither positive nor negative. It just is." It is not whether we have con

in our lives; it is what we do with that conict that makes the dierenc

!hat do we do with conict# $y most standards of feed%ack& we han

it poorly.

'rofessional groups like ()') *The (mployee )ssistance 'rofessionals

)ssn.+ and ),TD *The )merican )ssociation of Training - Development

indicate that the most reuested consultation and training intervention

sought %y organi/ations today& center upon the topics of Conict and

0iolence in the workplace. 1ast year& eighty seven percent of incidents

violence in the workplace occurred %etween coworkers.

The Changing Organization

Increasing diversity and the pace of change reuires the acuisition an

re2nement of skills to interact more eectively with each other in all

manner of the organi/ation of which we are a part.

3rom a management perspective& these trends force managers4leaders

spend a su%stantial portion of their time and energy dealing with coni

situations. ,uch eorts are necessary due to these growing trends of


3/29


4/29


5/29

reuires resisting the temptation to provide the answer. The manager=s

involvement comes only when the protocol is not %eing utili/ed or whe

the procedure has unveiled a kind of needs6conict that reuires a thir

party. The third party manages theprocess& not the su%stantive issues

the conict. To do otherwise is to win the %attle and lose the war. $y

rescuing the conicting parties too early& the systemic phenomenon of

ena"#ingis created. @ou know you are ena%ling if you are working hard

than your colleagues to 2nd solutions.

This presentation is a%out conict& what we do a%out it& and how we

resolve it. $ut it is also a%out whether we honor and em%race it as a "g

of energy& when neither side loses and a new dance is created." That n

dance is dialogue.

Positioning parties to resolve conict

In working with organi/ations& work teams& and families& I 2nd that the

positioningof parties to engage in conict is a major factor in reaching

positive resolutions. ,o& positioning has to do with the initial attitude

participants have a%out conict as they engage in a dispute or dieren

of opinion. !hat is so diAcult a%out engaging in conict#


6/29

,everal years ago& I took part in a process of calling a new pastor to a

church. )fter months of e


7/29

What does "conict" mean to you?

1et us do a word association game !hat is the 2rst word that comes

mind when you hear the word conict# sually it is words like 2ght& w

anger& stressful& and pro%lems. !hat most of these words have in

common is that they are negative. This reects some cultural hang6ups

we have regarding conict. !e think that if we are in a conict someth

went wrong& or that one of us has messed up.


8/29

It is often the case that we avoid %ringing up a conict fearing we

%ecome the negative dimension& as in "kill the messenger." ,uch cultu

sentiments have left us with a ght-or-ight mentality rather than

proactive strategies for reaching successful resolutions.

Eastern vs Western culture regarding conict


9/29

ere we can learn something

looking outside our culture. In the

(astern culture& conict is viewed

as positive. In fact in the Chinese

language& the word for conict has

two distinct characters& one is

danger the other is opportunit!.

The negative stance regarding

conict adds considera%ly to the

pro%lem of positioning parties to

eectively work through conict.

'ro%lems of safety& trust& ego& and

loss all come to the surface when

attempting to resolve disputes.


10/29

oving from conict to dialogue

In organi/ations& families& or individual relationships& the value we plac

on conict and dialogue has to do with creating and maintaining

who#eness.

!hat Conict eso#utionand $ia#oguehave in common& in addition to

%oth %eing a process& is that %oth have reachings!nerg!as their desir

outcome.

,ynergy in a system descri%es the eect of two or more entities comin

together to produce a %y6product greater than the sum of the two parts

This is what happens when your point of view is dierent from mine& an

%y interacting we reach a conclusion that neither had %efore we

presented them to each other.

In this presentation we shall eesolution and


11/29

Dialogue& particularly in light of the impact they have on an

organi/ation=s health and vitality.

!N!#!$%&

'!%(

CON)&!CT * !%&O+$E

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

!%&O+$E * CON)&!CT

(-NE.

-

0isuali/e a continuum with individual /iason one end and synergyo

the other. In the middle you 2nd conict and dialogue. nder some

circumstances conict may spawn dialogue and in another& dialogue m

produce conict. (ach process can produce the other. In other words& t

parties can engage in dialogue& desiring to move %eyond their individu

views& and can suddenly 2nd themselves em%roiled in a conict. 5n th

other hand& those same two parties may come together to resolve a

conict and in doing so they produce a climate of dialogue. In either ca

%oth processes can move individuals toward a state of collective thoug

and synergy.

$oth Conict >esolution and Dialogue involve a seuence of e


12/29

"inside" ones point of view and at the same time %eing "outside" of tha

point of view. The result is a kind of collective e


13/29

1eading from a dierent place reuires a way of thinking or Mode#that

grounded in a s!stems approach to human interaction. !hat this mean

is that it looks at the conict of two people as a focal point& not at eithe

of the participants. This means looking at the who#erather than at the

parts of the who#e.

!e are trained& in our culture to %reak things down into their compone

parts in order to understand and manage them. Trying to e


14/29

e


15/29

) family comes into my oAce for a counseling session. They have

%rought Tommy& their 7F year old son. !hen I ask what is the

outcome they seek in coming& Gom and4or Dad %egins to tell me

what is wrong with Tommy& "e is failing in school& he is not

minding& he provokes his sister& he does nothing around the home

etc. )s they recite this list of stressful scenarios& their stress

%ecomes o%vious& voice tones elevate& perspiration appears on

dad=s %row& and mom is clenching her 2st as they descri%e the ho

front. !hen I look over at Tommy and ask why he is here& he gives

he a predicta%le response& either "They made me come" or "I don

know." e delivers this in a sullen& laid %ack monotone which

suggests non6involvement and de2ance.

!hen I think a%out the process that is unfolding here in the oAce

ask myself& "!ho is in control here#" It is o%viously not the parent

%ut TommyTommy is in charge. e has the re(uisite variet!. e

has found more ways to push the parents= %uttons and get them a

%ent out of shape than they are e


16/29

to take place in this session*s+ the parents need to make a

signi2cant change from the current way of doing their parenting

%usiness. They need to de2ne the pro%lem the!are having with

Tommy rather than staying locked into thinking a%out Tommy=s

pro%lem.

.e1uisite varietymeans when some way of doing something does no

work *and no strategy works all the time+ then try something else.

.e1uisite varietymeans having e


17/29

compulsive *the opposite from having reuisite variety+.

The structure of a protocol provides more opportunity to %eproactivea

less controlled %y my emotions. !hen it comes to conict& our surviva#

instinct takes over. ,urvival is an "a%sence of pain" mode& somewhere

%etween pain and feeling good.

Outcomes in resolving conict

Consider the following situation and ask yourself how you would handle

it.

,everal of you have a standing routine of going to a favorite restaurant

for lunch once a week. It is a custom that it is social and not %usiness.

>ecently& everyone has noticed that $lanche& when it comes time to pa

the ta%& usually comes up short. It has occurred enough times that som

resentments are %eginning to take place. The restaurant is unwilling to

individual checks. (veryone likes $lanche and wants her to %e a part of

the group& %ut they are getting tired of su%sidi/ing her lunches. Today i

the day you usually go to lunch and you have decided to nip this situat

in the %ud. ow are you going to go a%out it#

5ne possi%ility would %e to convince the others to choose a restaurant


18/29

that gives individual checks. )nother would %e to leave it alone %ecaus

$lanche is having a 2nancial pro%lem. )nother strategy would %e to tel

$lanche that her not paying her share of the %ill is a pro%lem and to ge

with the program. 5r you could each give $lanche your part of the %ill

and leave her to handle the payment#

!inning the %attle and losing the war is what happens when we too

uickly solve the su%stantive pro%lem without addressing the s!stemic

process. )sk yourself what components would go into the ideal solution

to a conict& no matter what the conict is.

It is my %elief that there are at least four essential parts for a successfu

outcome to a conict.

7. To resolve it in such a way as to solve the essential pro%lem.

H. To resolve it in such a way as to maintain the other party=s self6

esteem or ego.

. To resolve it in such a way as to leave me feeling okay a%out mys

J. To resolve it in such a way as to enhance the relationship %etween

the parties *which would increase their potential for resolving


19/29

eectively the ne


20/29

5%serve the early stages of the creative growth in the ,ilicon 0alley

region of California where the coming together of %right individuals com

together with strong ideas and produced outcomes that have changed

our lives. $oth their use of dia#ogueand a wi##ingness to engage in

conict are hallmarks of that dynamic growth. Conict for the most par

was perceived as necessary to %reak through to the other side of thorn

pro%lems to form creative solutions.

)nother non6traditional way of thinking that emerged from that time w

the phenomenon of ")f ) have an idea and don* t 'now what to do with

!ou are we#come to it." This is uite a contrast to the )merican Corpor

models of turf guarding& secrecy& and win6loose competitive edges.

This was a period of creative energy that can serve us well as a

la%oratory of what is possi%le when diverse thought and a value system

that em%races conict& comes together.

Developmental theory has it that when we are powerless and e


21/29

for feeling good& when in fact they are only "a%sence of pain" /ones.

This is why when attempts to feel good do not work we most often dro

%ack to the ne


22/29

receive the message. It is theprocessdimension& or how we are talking

when we e


23/29

to do. !hile at the same time the %oy=s "alright" comes from a conte


24/29

"you=re too young to %e out that late." !hile at the same time %eing

inuenced %y a frame coming from our scared chi#dwho is e


25/29

person does. !hen this happens there is rapport.

Neuro4linguistics

In the 78M:=s Nohn Krinder& a linguist& and >ichard $andler& a %rain

physiologist& colla%orated to produce a powerful methodology to

inuence others called Neuro-,inguisticsor L1'. Their hallmark two

volume %ook& The tructure of Magic& was %ased on painstaking

o%servation of successful communicators. )mong these were therapist

0irginia ,atir& hypnotist Gilton (ricson& evangelist 5ral >o%erts& and

Gartin Kroeder& a national leader in insurance sales. !hat they found&

and formulated as a systematic scienti2c model of human

communication& was the process of framing and re6framing. They

discovered that all successful communicators& whether they were awar

of it or not& matched their frames with frames of the responding person

Through receiving feed%ack they were a%le to use the frame of the

listener to create a frame that was congruent& thus creating a mirroring

or matching frame. Thus producing a kind of rapport that was necessar

%efore they could persuade& sell& or direct. !hen there was not an easy

match& they were e&ileenough to try other approaches until they


26/29

were a%le to produce this mirroring4matching frames until they %ecame

congruent. In the %usiness community this leadership techniue4strate

is referred to asparadigm shifts.

Kregory $ateson coined the term meta-communicationreferring to the

talking a%out the communication or naming the frame in order to move

%eyond them. Nesus& the ultimate communicator& sometimes spoke in

para%les. This is a process that seemed to use stories that %oth merged

with e


27/29

replies& "we need to e


28/29

These areE

7. Individuals in conict tend to %e overly aected %y the form of

presented information.

H. They tend to escalate commitment to previous#! se#ected course

actionwhen it is no longer a reasona%le alternative.

. They tend to assume that their gain must come at the expense of

the other part!. )nd there for miss the opportunity for mutually

%ene2cial "trade6os" %etween the two.

J. Their judgements tend to %e anchored upon irrelevant information

F. 'arties that rely too much on readily availa%le information.

M. 'arties fail to consider information availa%le from taking opponent

perspective.

The impact of such %iased frames of reference shape a reliance on a to

we call mediation0The prevalence of conicting frames also shapes the

need for structures or templates that guide us& in conscious ways& to st

outside of their limitations. The most eective structure is that of

processing. The act of deli%erately calling attention to 5! we are


29/29

communicating.

ere we are usingprocessas a ver%& as in "to process" instead of as a

noun. "To process" is to act in a rational manner upon process. )n

e

Documents

Different Dynamics of Conflict