Dealing With Anger Dealing With Anger and Social and Social BoundariesBoundaries

““Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throHolding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.wing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

” ” Buddhist QuoteBuddhist Quote

Some Material Compiled and edited from Skillstreaming for the Some Material Compiled and edited from Skillstreaming for the Adolescent,Adolescent,

5 Against the Law, NO B.O., and How Rude5 Against the Law, NO B.O., and How Rude

Created by Chris PrestonCreated by Chris Preston

Do you have a problem with Do you have a problem with social boundaries?social boundaries?

If you have ever been in trouble at If you have ever been in trouble at school or at home because of how school or at home because of how you talked to or touched someoneyou talked to or touched someone

If you want to find friends and fit in If you want to find friends and fit in socially but keep making mistakes socially but keep making mistakes that make that really hardthat make that really hard

There are 5 levels of There are 5 levels of behavior. behavior.

11 Very informal social behaviorVery informal social behavior (this is where you (this is where you want to be when you meet someone: Say hello, want to be when you meet someone: Say hello, wave, smile) You feel relaxed and in controlwave, smile) You feel relaxed and in control

22 Reasonable behaviorReasonable behavior (this is when you are play (this is when you are play games with people) You feel happy and social and games with people) You feel happy and social and want to meet peoplewant to meet people

33 Odd behaviorOdd behavior (this behavior makes people (this behavior makes people uncomfortable) You are acting a little to silly, or rudeuncomfortable) You are acting a little to silly, or rude

44 Scary behaviorScary behavior (this includes swearing, staring, (this includes swearing, staring, being in someone’s personal space) You are very being in someone’s personal space) You are very rude or angryrude or angry

55 Physically hurtful or threatening behaviorPhysically hurtful or threatening behavior (Level 5 (Level 5 can get you hurt, arrested, suspended or fired) You can get you hurt, arrested, suspended or fired) You scare people and they don’t trust you or want to be scare people and they don’t trust you or want to be around youaround you

Knowing the 5 levelsKnowing the 5 levels It is important to know your level. It is important to know your level. If you are at a 3, 4 or 5 you need to find a way to get to 1 or 2If you are at a 3, 4 or 5 you need to find a way to get to 1 or 2 You should be able to tell people you are having a bad day or find You should be able to tell people you are having a bad day or find

a way to deal with your problem before you do something you will a way to deal with your problem before you do something you will regretregret

Make a list of people you trust or think you could talk toMake a list of people you trust or think you could talk to SuggestionsSuggestions

– School CounselorSchool Counselor– SSD Case ManagerSSD Case Manager– Co-WorkerCo-Worker– ClassmateClassmate– Brother or SisterBrother or Sister– CousinCousin– Mom and DadMom and Dad– Grandma or GrandpaGrandma or Grandpa– TherapistsTherapists

Knowing Your FeelingsKnowing Your Feelings

Tune in to what is going on in your Tune in to what is going on in your body that helps you know what you body that helps you know what you are feelingare feeling

Decide what happened to make you Decide what happened to make you feel that wayfeel that way

Decide what you could call the Decide what you could call the feelingfeeling

How do you feel?How do you feel? Your body or mind might be sending a message Your body or mind might be sending a message

before you realize something is wrong or make a before you realize something is wrong or make a mistakemistake

These are all signs of troubling feelingsThese are all signs of troubling feelings– Are you clenching your fistsAre you clenching your fists– Are you feeling tension in your shouldersAre you feeling tension in your shoulders– Are you feeling like you are not a good personAre you feeling like you are not a good person– Are you thinking sad thoughtsAre you thinking sad thoughts– Are you thinking about the world if you were not in it and Are you thinking about the world if you were not in it and

how people would act without you aroundhow people would act without you around– Are you giggling a lotAre you giggling a lot– Are you really tiredAre you really tired– Does your stomach hurtDoes your stomach hurt– Does your head hurtDoes your head hurt

Using Self ControlUsing Self Control

Tune in to what is going on in your Tune in to what is going on in your body that helps you know how you body that helps you know how you are about to lose control of yourselfare about to lose control of yourself

Decide what happened to make you Decide what happened to make you feel this wayfeel this way

Think about ways in which you might Think about ways in which you might control yourselfcontrol yourself

Choose the best way to control Choose the best way to control yourself and do ityourself and do it

Expressing your feelings Expressing your feelings appropriatelyappropriately

Tune in to what is going on in your Tune in to what is going on in your bodybody

Decide what happened to make you Decide what happened to make you feel that wayfeel that way

Decide what you are feelingDecide what you are feeling Think about the different ways to Think about the different ways to

express your feeling and pick oneexpress your feeling and pick one Express your feelingExpress your feeling

Expressing your feelings Expressing your feelings inappropriatelyinappropriately

Punching and screamingis inappropriate

This gesture is expressive but nothelpful.

Swearing feels goodbut can make people angrier and get you inmore trouble

You may feel like this

You should look like this

Expressing Anger

You may feel like this

You should look like this

You may want to break stuff but it will end up looking like this

Expressing and Changing Your Expressing and Changing Your Feelings or “Level” Feelings or “Level”

Make a list of people you trust and can talk toMake a list of people you trust and can talk to ExerciseExercise Talking to someone will help you express your feelingsTalking to someone will help you express your feelings Talking will make you feel better and sometimes change your moodTalking will make you feel better and sometimes change your mood Talking lets other people know how you feel so they can help or stay away Talking lets other people know how you feel so they can help or stay away Listen to musicListen to music Watch TVWatch TV Watch a movieWatch a movie Talking to people may help you realize that they have problems too or feel Talking to people may help you realize that they have problems too or feel

the same waythe same way Sometimes you need to be aloneSometimes you need to be alone Sometimes you need to work through itSometimes you need to work through it Sometimes you can’t fix itSometimes you can’t fix it Play a gamePlay a game Work on a hobby or project you enjoy. Some people like to organize stuff or Work on a hobby or project you enjoy. Some people like to organize stuff or

clean. clean. Figure out a neutral spot in the area where you can calm down and maybe Figure out a neutral spot in the area where you can calm down and maybe

shoutshout Hit a pillowHit a pillow

It’s Too Late!It’s Too Late! We all lose control sometime and that is okay. The We all lose control sometime and that is okay. The

key is handling the situation appropriately key is handling the situation appropriately afterwards. afterwards.

These are the steps to getting out of troubleThese are the steps to getting out of trouble– 1. Apologize1. Apologize– 2. Take a minute to cool off. Depending on what happened 2. Take a minute to cool off. Depending on what happened

you may need to excuse yourself so you can calm down or you may need to excuse yourself so you can calm down or the other person can calm down. the other person can calm down.

– 3. Listen to what the other person is saying, even if they are 3. Listen to what the other person is saying, even if they are yelling at you. They are upset too and have a right to yelling at you. They are upset too and have a right to express themselves just like you do. express themselves just like you do.

– 4. Wait your turn to talk. Getting defensive only makes it 4. Wait your turn to talk. Getting defensive only makes it worse and makes you seem more guilty.worse and makes you seem more guilty.

– 5. Try to fix the situation. If you broke something, offer to fix 5. Try to fix the situation. If you broke something, offer to fix it or pay for it. it or pay for it.

– 6. Realize that there is a consequence. Every action has a 6. Realize that there is a consequence. Every action has a reaction. reaction.

– 7. Apologize again. 7. Apologize again.

ApologizingApologizing

Decide if it would be best for you to Decide if it would be best for you to apologize for something you didapologize for something you did

Think of the different ways you could Think of the different ways you could apologizeapologize

Choose the best time and place to Choose the best time and place to apologizeapologize

Make your apologyMake your apology

Getting Ready for a Difficult Getting Ready for a Difficult ConversationConversation

Think about how you feel during the Think about how you feel during the conversationconversation

Think about how the other person will feelThink about how the other person will feel Think about different ways you could say Think about different ways you could say

you want to sayyou want to say Think about what the other person might Think about what the other person might

say back to yousay back to you Think about any other things that might Think about any other things that might

happen during the conversationhappen during the conversation Choose the best approach you can think of Choose the best approach you can think of

and try itand try it

Dealing with an AccusationDealing with an Accusation

Think about what the other person Think about what the other person has accused you ofhas accused you of

Think about why the person might Think about why the person might have accused youhave accused you

Think about ways to answer the Think about ways to answer the person’s accusation, appropriately. person’s accusation, appropriately.

Choose the best way and do itChoose the best way and do it

Understanding the feelings Understanding the feelings of othersof others

Watch the other personWatch the other person Listen to what the other person is Listen to what the other person is

sayingsaying Figure out what the person might be Figure out what the person might be

feelingfeeling Think about ways to show you Think about ways to show you

understand what he/she is feelingunderstand what he/she is feeling Decide on the best way and do itDecide on the best way and do it

Answering a ComplaintAnswering a Complaint

Listen to the complaintListen to the complaint Ask the person to explain anything Ask the person to explain anything

you don’t understandyou don’t understand Tell the person that you understand Tell the person that you understand

the complaintthe complaint State your ideas about the complaint, State your ideas about the complaint,

accepting the blame if appropriateaccepting the blame if appropriate Suggest what each of you could do Suggest what each of you could do

about the complaintabout the complaint

Deciding What Caused a Deciding What Caused a ProblemProblem

Define what the problem is Define what the problem is Think about possible causes of the Think about possible causes of the

problemproblem Decide which are the most likely Decide which are the most likely

causes of the problemcauses of the problem Check out what really caused the Check out what really caused the

problemproblem

Dealing with someone Dealing with someone Else’s AngerElse’s Anger

Listen to the person who is angryListen to the person who is angry Try to understand what the angry Try to understand what the angry

person is saying and feelingperson is saying and feeling Decide if you can say or do Decide if you can say or do

something to deal with the situationsomething to deal with the situation If you can, deal with the other If you can, deal with the other

person’s anger.person’s anger.– Example: Ask them if they want to talk Example: Ask them if they want to talk

or if you can help at all. or if you can help at all.

Avoiding Trouble with Avoiding Trouble with OthersOthers

Decide if you are in a situation that Decide if you are in a situation that might get you into troublemight get you into trouble

Decide if you want to get out of the Decide if you want to get out of the situationsituation

Tell the other people what you Tell the other people what you decided and whydecided and why

Suggest other things you might doSuggest other things you might do Do what you think is best. It is okay Do what you think is best. It is okay

to walk away or make an excuse. to walk away or make an excuse.

Arranging Problems by Arranging Problems by ImportanceImportance

Think about the problems that are Think about the problems that are bothering youbothering you

List these problems from most to List these problems from most to least important.least important.

Do what you can to hold off on your Do what you can to hold off on your less important problemsless important problems

Go to work on your most important Go to work on your most important problemsproblems

Dealing with Dealing with EmbarrassmentEmbarrassment

Decide if you are feeling Decide if you are feeling embarrassedembarrassed

Decide what happened to make you Decide what happened to make you feel embarrassedfeel embarrassed

Decide on what will help you feel less Decide on what will help you feel less embarrassed and do itembarrassed and do it

Dealing with fearDealing with fear

Decide if you are feeling afraidDecide if you are feeling afraid Think about what you might be afraid Think about what you might be afraid

ofof Figure out if the fear is realisticFigure out if the fear is realistic Take steps to reduce your fearTake steps to reduce your fear

A Conflict or a “fight” Between two people

BTwo people forgive

each other or admit they were wrong

CompromiseIf no on admits they are wrong,

find a solution to end the conflict that

is fair to both people involved in the conflict

A B C…ompromise The 3 phases of a conflict

Appropriate Behavior Inappropriate Behavior

Behavior 1 Behavior 2

Behavior 3

Behavior 4

Behavior 5

Behavior 1

Behavior 2

Behavior 3

Behavior 4

Behavior 5

Consequences and reactions to appropriate behaviors Behavior 1

Behavior 2 Behavior 3 Behavior 4

Behavior 5

Consequences and reactions to inappropriate behaviors Behavior 1

Behavior 2 Behavior 3 Behavior 4

Behavior 5

Think about a list of appropriate and inappropriate things. Discuss the chart below.

Standing Up For Your RightsStanding Up For Your Rights

Pay attention to what is going on in your Pay attention to what is going on in your body that helps you know that you are body that helps you know that you are dissatisfied and would like to stand up for dissatisfied and would like to stand up for yourselfyourself

Decide what happened to make you feel Decide what happened to make you feel dissatisfieddissatisfied

Think about way in which you might stand Think about way in which you might stand for yourself and choose onefor yourself and choose one

Stand up for yourself in a direct and Stand up for yourself in a direct and reasonable wayreasonable way

Standing Up For a FriendStanding Up For a Friend

Decide if your friend has not been Decide if your friend has not been treated fairly by otherstreated fairly by others

Decide if your friend wants you to Decide if your friend wants you to stand up for him/herstand up for him/her

Decide how to stand for your friendDecide how to stand for your friend Stand up for your friendStand up for your friend

Keeping Out of FightsKeeping Out of Fights

Stop and think about why you want Stop and think about why you want to fightto fight

Decide what you want to happen in Decide what you want to happen in the long run the long run

Think about other ways to handle the Think about other ways to handle the situation besides fightingsituation besides fighting

Decide on the best way to handle the Decide on the best way to handle the situation and do itsituation and do it

Responding to FailureResponding to Failure

Decide if you have failed at Decide if you have failed at somethingsomething

Think about why you failedThink about why you failed Think about what you could do to Think about what you could do to

keep from failing another timekeep from failing another time Decide if you want to try againDecide if you want to try again Try again using your new ideaTry again using your new idea

Responding to PersuasionResponding to Persuasion

Listen to the other person’s on the Listen to the other person’s on the topictopic

Decide what you think about the Decide what you think about the topictopic

Compare what he/she said with what Compare what he/she said with what you thinkyou think

Decide which idea you like better Decide which idea you like better and tell the other person about itand tell the other person about it

Responding to TeasingResponding to Teasing

Decide if you are being teasedDecide if you are being teased Think about ways to deal with the Think about ways to deal with the

teasingteasing– Ignoring itIgnoring it– Telling someone in authority (principal, Telling someone in authority (principal,

supervisor)supervisor)– Telling the person that you don’t Telling the person that you don’t

appreciate being teasedappreciate being teased Choose the best way and do itChoose the best way and do it

Dealing with Group PressureDealing with Group Pressure

Think about what the group wants Think about what the group wants you to do and whyyou to do and why

Decide what you want to doDecide what you want to do Decide how to tell the group what Decide how to tell the group what

you want to doyou want to do Tell the group what you have Tell the group what you have

decideddecided