Danny Danger and the Cosmic Remote - preview

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To Anna and Eliza

First published in the UK in 2011 by Nosy Crow LtdThe Crow’s Nest, 11 The Chandlery

50 Westminster Bridge RoadLondon, SE1 7QY, UK

www.nosycrow.com

Nosy Crow and associated logos are trademarks and/orregistered trademarks of Nosy Crow Ltd

Text © Adam Frost, 2011Illustrations © Andy Parker, 2011

The right of Adam Frost and Andy Parker to be identified as the authorand illustrator respectively of this work has been asserted by them in accordance

with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988

All rights reserved

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of tradeor otherwise, be lent, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form ofbinding or cover other than that in which it is published. No part of

this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical,

photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior writtenpermission of Nosy Crow Ltd.

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Printed and bound in the UK byClays Ltd, St Ives Plc

Papers used by Nosy Crow are made from wood grown in sustainable forests

ISBN: 978 0 857 63017 9

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1PLAY

It was a Monday afternoon and Danny Dangerwas sitting quietly in a maths lesson, holding hiscosmic remote control.

Nobody else in the class could see it, becausehe held it flat against his leg, ready to slip it backinto his pocket at any time.

It was about half of the size of a normalremote with just seven buttons: On/Off, Play,Pause, Stop, Record, Fast Forward and Rewind.Above the buttons, there was a small LCDshowing the current time:10:16:53.

Instead of a battery compartment, there wasa small amber crystal embedded in the back,

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which rotated slowly when the remote wasactive, glinting and sparkling and shimmeringas it turned.

The teacher stood at the front of the class,pointing to an equation on the whiteboard. Hisname was Mr Boswell. He had a big orangenose with three thick black bristles sticking outof each nostril. He wore thick square glassesthat made his eyes look like tiny dots, althoughwhen he took his glasses off to mop hisforehead, then his eyes were suddenly as big as

fruit bowls. He was completelybald except for three long

crinkled hairs thatlooked like they’dbeen drawn on hishead with a biro.

Mr Boswell wasexplaining how three

fours were the same asfour threes, and that three

times three times four wasthe same as four times three times three.

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DANNY DANGER and the COSMIC REMOTE


Danny stifled a yawn and his eyes swam. Helooked round at his classmates, slumpedforwards on their desks or staring vacantly outof the window. Mr Boswell jabbed the air with amarker pen while his other hand jingled loosechange in his pocket. Danny’s thumb hoveredover his cosmic remote and he pressed FastForward.

Mr Boswell’s lips started moving veryquickly and he scribbled on the board, thentalked, then scribbled on the board five timesfaster than he normally would have done. Hisface suddenly turned red and sweaty as he losthis temper, then very quickly faded back towhite again. The numbers on Danny’s remotespun round rapidly; the seconds were almosttoo quick to see - 56 57 58 59 -

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as10:18became10:19

and then10:20.


Outside birds whipped past like bullets;clouds tumbled by like clothes in a washingmachine.

One of Danny’s friends whizzed out of theclassroom to go to the toilet, then whizzed backin again and sat down.

At that moment, Mr Boswell’s head snappedround. He was staring at Danny; he wasspeeding towards him with a furious expressionon his face.

Danny let go of Fast Forward and for a splitsecond Mr Boswell was shouting: “DanielDanger, I won’t ask you again—”

Then Danny pressed Rewind and MrBoswell walked backwards, stopped by theboard and turned to face the class again.

Danny let go of Rewind and life resumed itsnormal speed.

“So let’s find out who’s been payingattention, shall we?” Mr Boswell was saying.“Daniel Danger, you’ve been very quiet. Whydon’t we start with you?”

Danny blinked and looked down at his desk.

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“Today we’ve been learning aboutmultiplication, haven’t we?’ said Mr Boswell.“So I’m sure you’ll be able to tell me what fivetimes five times five comes to.That’s right. Fivetimes five times five.”

Danny tried to form the numbers in hishead. Five lots of five – five times. Fifty-five?

Mr Boswell was walking towards Danny.“Daniel Danger, I won’t ask you again,” hehuffed. “Five times five times five.”

Danny imagined writing the numbers down,but he was distracted by the stains on MrBoswell’s tie and the hair on Mr Boswell’s earsand Mr Boswell’s smelly breath and MrBoswell’s wobbly double chin.

“Daniel Danger!” roared Mr Boswell. “Youhaven’t listened to a single word I’ve said.”

Danny looked up at Mr Boswell’s bright-redface. He took a deep breath and pressed Pauseon his cosmic remote. The crystal started tospin round and the time display flashed:

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10:34...10:34...10:34...


Everything had frozen. Mr Boswell’s mouthwas half open, his eyebrows were raised and hishands were hanging in mid-air.

Danny’s classmates were still and silent.Some had been whispering, some had beenscribbling in their exercise books, some hadbeen scowling at Mr Boswell; now they were allas motionless as statues, unable to blink orbreathe or move a muscle.

Danny stood up and walkedout of the classroom.

Out in the corridor hesaw Mrs Jenkins, thedeputy head, frozen inmid-stride. She had abundle of papers underher right arm and amobile phone in her left.She had just sneezed soshe had a funny

expression on her face: eyesclosed, cheeks puffed out and a

shower of spit hovering in front of her nose.

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Danny squeezed past her and walkedthrough the entrance hall towards the library.

Outside on the school field Mr Chambers’sclass had been halfway through a game ofrounders. The ball was suspended two metresabove the ground; one of the boys was halfwaybetween second and third base; one of the girlswas standing underneath the ball, steelingherself for a catch. Danny really wanted to pressPlay on his cosmic remote and see whether theboy would get his rounder, but he knew thiswould be a big mistake. He would suddenlyvanish from Mr Boswell’s class, right in front ofeveryone’s eyes, and how would he explain that?

He pushed open the door of the library andwalked inside.

It was completely empty except for theschool cat, sleeping on a stool in a shaft ofsunlight. Danny stroked the cat but she was asstiff as a board and didn’t purr and nuzzle hishand as she normally did.

Danny spotted the cupboard he was lookingfor and walked towards it. He closed his eyes as

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he went to open it, thinking it would be locked,but the door swung open, and he breathed asigh of relief.

Inside there were rows of red boxes labelledDIGITAL CAMERA, MP3 PLAYERS,HEADPHONES and BLANK CDs. Aloudhailer sat on top of a DVD player. On thebottom shelf he saw a box labelledCALCULATORS, which he slid out. Hegrabbed a calculator from the pile and typed in5 x 5 x 5. The answer was 125.

He whispered to himself, “One hundredand twenty-five, one hundred and twenty-five,one hundred and twenty-five,” until he was surehe remembered it.

He tossed the calculator back in the box,closed the cupboard door and walked quicklyout of the library.

He ran back to his classroom, glancing downat the cosmic remote.

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The time was still flashing:10:34.


He looked up just in time to see Mrs Jenkins.He swerved to avoid her but knocked themobile phone out of her hand. It hit the floorand the back spun off. He fiddled with thephone for a few seconds until the back snappedinto place again.Then he settled the phone backin her hand at what he hoped was the rightangle.

He rushed back into his classroom and satback in his chair, staring up at Mr Boswell’sangry, menacing face. He pressed Play on hiscosmic remote and everything came back tolife.

“One hundred and twenty-five,” said Danny.“What?” barked Mr Boswell.“One hundred and twenty-five. That’s the

answer,” said Danny.“The answer to what?” spluttered Mr

Boswell.“The sum. The sum you just gave me,”

explained Danny.Mr Boswell started to speak, then stopped,

then frowned, then stared at Danny.

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“Hmph,” he said.The rest of the class began to whisper and

titter.“Silence!” shouted Mr Boswell and looked at

Danny suspiciously again.

That afternoon Danny walked home with hisbest friend, Eric Taylor. Eric was in a differentclass with a different teacher.

“How was Headcase?” asked Eric.Headcase was their nickname for Mr

Boswell.“Same as usual. How was Stinkbomb?”

asked Danny.Stinkbomb was their nickname for Eric’s

teacher, Miss Beecham. She had nine cats andher clothes smelled a bit funny.

“Same as usual,” said Eric. “Are you cominground later?”

“Don’t know,” said Danny. “Mum and Dadaren’t letting me do anything at the moment.”

“That’s a pain,” said Eric. “I got a newcomputer game off my Uncle Steve. Zombie

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Goblins II. In level 2, you can teleport and inlevel 3, you can become invisible.You’ve got tohave a go!”

“That sounds great!” said Danny.Eric didn’t know about Danny’s cosmic

remote – nobody did. Danny had come close totelling Eric a few times because he knew howamazed and excited Eric would have been. Butwhen he’d got the remote, he’d been warned totell no one about it – unless there was anemergency. Today had been a bit of a drag, butnot an emergency.

Danny turned into the street where theyboth lived.

“So I might see you later on,” said Eric.“Fingers crossed,” replied Danny.Eric walked up his driveway and Danny

crossed the road and headed for his house. Hewent through the side gate and opened the backdoor.

The kitchen seemed to be empty. It was afairly big kitchen with lots of cupboards anda long dining table at one end of it.

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On every wall of the house, there were teatowels in frames with helpful mottos stitched onto them. In the kitchen, there was one hangingabove the sink.

The perfect home Is clean and neat,

Free from dust And muddy feet.

There was another tea towel above thewashing machine.

Clean the kitchen. Clean the hall.Then watch your

childrenSpoil it all.

Danny breathed a deep sigh, relieved thatnobody else seemed to be home.

Then Danny’s mum and dad walked into the

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kitchen, side by side. His big sister, Mia, was afew paces behind them, looking pleased withherself. Danny’s hand dived into his pocket andhis thumb hovered over the Rewind button onhis cosmic remote.

Mrs Danger had a long thin face that wasalways red with anger. Mr Danger’s face wasbig and round like the moon with a wisp of greyhair on top like smoke coming out of a chimney.Danny’s sister Mia looked a bit like Danny, onlyher hair was long and straight and blonde ratherthan short and tufty and brown.

“Daniel Patrick Danger,” declared MrsDanger. “Your father would like a word withyou.”

“I certainly would,” said Mr Danger. “Tellhim, darling.”

“Your father would like to know why youhaven’t tidied your room,” said Mrs Danger.

“I did tidy my room!” Danny protested.“Moving everything into a big heap in the

middle of the room isn’t the same as tidying,”squeaked Mrs Danger.

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“Isn’t it?” said Danny. “Why not?”“Your father has explained this to you many

times,” said Mrs Danger. “Drawers not floors.Clean it like you mean it.”

“I definitely said that,” said Mr Danger. “Iremember it very clearly.”

Mia’s head poked out from behind her fatherand she smirked.

Mrs Danger let out a whoop of grief.“Are those grass stains on your elbows?” she

exclaimed. “I don’t believe it! Hector, look atthis!”

Mr Danger bent over and squinted atDanny’s shirt.

“Well, that’s coming out of your pocketmoney,” growled Mr Danger.

“And is that a rip in your trousers?”spluttered Mrs Danger.

Mr Danger leaned in again.“That’s coming out of your pocket money

too,” he said.“You don’t give me any pocket money,”

protested Danny. “You never have!”

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“Is it any wonder?” wailed Mrs Danger.“The amount we have to spend cleaning upafter you!”

“Mum, I smell dog poo,” said Mia. “Idefinitely smell dog poo.”

Mrs Danger gasped and put a hand over hermouth. “And you’ve trodden it intothe kitchen carpet!”

“That wasn’t me!” criedDanny. He lifted up his left shoe

and then his right shoe. There it was.“Take them off! Take them off!” gibbered

Mrs Danger.Mia looked at Danny with a satisfied smile.

Danny pulled his shoes off and they hit the floorwith a thud.

“You’re a disgrace to the Danger familyname,” growled Mr Danger. “You should actlike a Danger to everyone you meet.That’s whatwe all do!”

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“Now, go to your room before you do anymore damage!” moaned Mrs Danger.

Danny trudged slowly up the stairs, grippinghis cosmic remote like a vice. He should pressPause and go back downstairs. He could slaphis dad’s belly and twist his sister’s nose.

Or he could scrape the dog poo off his shoesand transfer it on to his mother’s shoes. ThenRewind back to the moment when his sistersmelled it. Then who’d have messed up thekitchen carpet?

But Danny had had enough of his family forone afternoon. He just wanted to spend sometime alone in his room, then climb out of thewindow and head for Eric’s house.

He walked across the spotless landing andpast his parents’ immaculate bedroom. He wasnearly blinded by the glint of windows andmirrors and ornaments. He almost choked onthe smell of air freshener and shoe polish andwashing powder.

Ten seconds later, he was in his room withthe door closed. His whole body relaxed. There

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were the clothes in a mound on the floor, thebooks dropped on the bed, the pens and rulersand notepads spread out on the desk, thecomics scattered on the windowsill and radiatorand bedside table. Danny smiled, leaned againstthe door and slid down on to the floor.

He thought about the evening ahead of him.If he was going to sneak over to Eric’s, it madesense to use his cosmic remote. His parents hadtold him to stay in his room; if he disobeyed,they’d make his life even more miserable.

Danny placed the cosmic remote on the bed.He pointed it towards his desk and pressedRecord.The crystal on the back turned red andstarted to spin round slowly. A cone of goldenlight shot out of the end of the remote andbathed the desk in a pale white glow. Dannystepped into the shaft of light and sat at thedesk. He picked up a piece of paper and spenttwenty minutes drawing a picture of a unicorn.

Then he reached over to a pile of comics thatwas balanced precariously on the edge of thedesk. He pulled a comic out from halfway down

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the pile and spent three quarters of an hourreading it. That was enough, he thought tohimself. He walked out of the shaft of light,picked up his cosmic remote and pressed Stop.

The crystal on the back of the remote beganto flash red-orange red-orange.This meant thatthe recording had been successfully stored.

Now would be a good time to go and seeEric.

Playing back a section of time was one of thebest things about having a cosmic remote,Danny thought. He pointed the remote at thedesk again and used his forefinger to press thecrystal down until he heard a click. Then at thesame time he pressed Play with his thumb. Animage seemed to leap out of the end of theremote and settle at the desk. It was Danny, justas he had been an hour ago, drawing a pictureof a unicorn. The image flickered, blurred andthen came into focus.

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top of the remote: 6:01.Danny looked at the time on the


The real Danny slipped the remote into hispocket and headed for the window. He looked atthe recorded Danny sitting at the desk and gaveit a big smile although he knew it would not beable to smile back.

Now if his parents checked up on him, therehe would be, sitting quietly in his room, and thatwould be that; they’d leave him alone foranother hour or so.

knocking on the window of Eric’s bedroom.His friend let him in.“Cool, you made it,” said Eric.“I’ve only got about an hour,” said Danny.“How come?” asked Eric.“Er ... my parents ... you know,” stammered

Danny.Danny really wanted to tell Eric the truth.

He could tell him, then press Rewind, and erasethe whole conversation from time. But itseemed a bit pointless – and unfair on Eric.

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At 6:04 he was onthe roof of Eric’s extension,


“Shall we play on my computer?” exclaimedEric. “Or I got this Build Your Own Robot kitfrom my Uncle Martin. I haven’t opened it yet!”

“That sounds brilliant!” replied Danny.Eric slid the robot kit out from under his bed

and opened the box. Danny had never seen somany coils and springs and wires and computer

chips and bolts andplates of metal and lightbulbs and pistons. It

made him wonder whatthe inside of his cosmicremote looked like.

Danny started on therobot’s right arm and Eric

started on the left. You had toslot each finger into asmall iron grid.

At one point,Eric’s mum pokedher head round thedoor.

“Hello, Danny, I didn’t

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know you were here,” she said. “Do you boyswant anything to eat?”

“Chocolate!” exclaimed Eric.“Apart from chocolate,” said Eric’s mum,

with a smile.“Chocolate spread on toast?” tried Eric.“How about peanut butter on toast?” replied

Eric’s mum.“You’re on!” declared Eric.Eric’s mum smiled and shook her head.When the toast arrived, Danny and Eric

were careful not to get any crumbs or blobs ofpeanut butter in the robot’s components.

Then Danny looked up. “What’s the time?”Eric looked up too. “Don’t know.”Danny quickly pulled out the edge of his

cosmic remote and glanced at the time: 6:59.“Got to go,” blurted out Danny.He ran towards Eric’s window.“See you tomorrow at school,” he said.“But you left half your toast,” protested Eric.“You have it,” said Danny, as he climbed on

to the extension roof.

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“Yesss!” whispered Eric.The crystal in the cosmic remote was still

glowing orange. This meant that the section oftime was still playing; the pretend Danny wasstill sitting at his desk.

He was in front of his house. He saw a lighton in the living room. There was his father butwhere was his mother?

He trotted round the back of his house andshimmied up the drainpipe. On the way up hethought he saw the top of his mum’s headcrossing the landing window. She seemed to beheading for his room.

He got to the top of the drainpipe as fast ashe could. He got one foot on the windowsill andthen the other. He crouched down and slid intohis room.

He could see the door handle being turned.

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Danny crossed the road.

6:59 became7:00.


He could hear his mother’s voice: “Daniel!”

He looked at his desk: the other Danny wasstill sitting there reading.

His mind raced through all the possibilities.If he dived under the bed, his mother wouldonly see one Danny – at the desk. He could runtowards the door and stop his mother coming in– then she’d never see the Danny at the desk. Hecould pull out his cosmic remote and pressStop, but it always took about five seconds forthe image to fade away completely and, besides,then his mother would see the cosmic remoteand ask what it was.

But now the door was open and his motherwas standing there.

The image of Danny at the desk began to fizzleout. For a split second, Mrs Danger saw two

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He looked down at the cosmic remote:

7:02.

7:02 became7:03.


Dannys – one at the desk and one by thewindow. She blinked twice. She reached downfor the glasses hanging round her neck and putthem on.

“That’s better,” she said.Only one Danny remained.“Your father has come to a decision,”

she began. “Tomorrow he is goingto hire a skip. And everythingin your room is going init. All your comics,all your toys. Untilyou start treatingour possessionswith respect, wewon’t be respectingyours!”

She nodded curtly – as ifto say “Serves you right!” – andclosed the door.


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Danny Danger and the Cosmic Remote - preview