Country Kitchen: Love, Food, & Fear in the Time of Corona (A … · 2020-05-26 · I really don't know why I said that. I am just so sick and fucking tired of all this. And I am NOT

Country Kitchen: Love, Food, & Fear in the Time of Corona(A play/movie in Three Acts for Three People more than Six Feet Apart)Talent Direction Line/Image

ACT THREE Summary Notes: Margret calls and unleashes her pent-up fears on Ernie. Burt goes mental when Ernie fails to appreciate the appetizers he has prepared. He threatens to kill himself. The only weapon in the cabin is a single- shot Czechoslovakian 1950's pump-action pellet gun that Bert's father gave him. Bert would die of lead poisoning before he could self-inflict mortal harm, even if he could figure out how to load the gun without Ernie's help. Ernie fails to calm Burt down and events turn dark. Ernie asks Margret tohelp. She calls Burt's bluff when she offers him the use of her shotgun Ernie see two people he loves help each other survive this momentary crisis, but he worries what the future holds, and how America will survive. The last supper is served.-Curtain-

ACT THREE Scene One

Three screens up: Burt's “Gone Bowling, not really, I am cooking” away screen is up

Margret and Ernie are on a ZOOM call, sound muted at first, so we see them talking, Margret agitated, Ernie nodding, but cannot hear what they are saying

Sound comes up


M Stated as a fact, and not a question, with a sad rage.

In an accusing, ugly tone

Why is this happening here?

To us?

I thought people had to all be crowded into one space, like all crowded together in an elevator, to catch it. Why, I don't think there's a single elevator within 20 miles from here. I suppose theremay be one up there in Blue Ridge.

I am so angry that this is going on. Here. “Frankly, I wonder how many people are driving up here from Atlanta people who might carrying this corona virus, right up here, right up here into our own county.”

LONG PAUSE

E Slowly, with sadness, almost guilt “You mean people like Burt and me, Margret?”

M Pause. Her face moves from a sad rage to surprise when she recognizes what she said. “Oh Lord, no. Ernie. No.

My god, I am so sorry I said that.

I don't know why I said that.

I would never...not you two.

Maybe this virus thing has gotten further under myskin than I care to admit. I really believe it has.”

B Yells from off stage. Off screen Ernie! . . . Ernie!

Ernie, what do you want for a snack in a little while, honey?

E Ernie yells back, a little distracted, but not angry. Kind of a throwaway line. He has forgotten he is on his head set. Margret reacts to the loud volume. Burt, I am on the phone with Margret.


I really don't care what we have for snacks.

B Close up shot of Burt's face pops up onhis screen.

On the verge of hysteria, he pulls back so we can see his upper body as he adds the air quotes...(yeah, air quote the word “care,” but just once.)

FTA

Back to Ernie. Sputtering...

What do you mean? You don't “care”

So now he doesn't care what we have to eat.

You don't... you don't ...You don't care what we have for snacks this afternoon? After I went to all the trouble to make roti from scratch and put together a caviar-topped, sashime-grade tuna appetizer? And you don't CARE!!??

Sight gag


Just his voice and endless images of food, several have been seen before.

and a turkey

Food on a loop


Ending with another turkey

B You don't appreciate all the work I do here to makeyou happy.

You never notice. You only say thank you when I make you. You never do anything nice for me.

I just don't know how much longer I can stand it, between your complete lack of caring, this isolationfrom others, and this damn virus.

I swear it's almost not worth living.

I should just end it all

Maybe I will just shoot myself!

E To Margret Margie, I gotta go, Burt's having a melt down and this time it sounds more serious than usual.

M OK, call me back.

And Ernie, you know I didn't mean you two, right?I really don't know why I said that. I am just so sick and fucking tired of all this.

And I am NOT sorry I said fucking.

Call me back.

E To MargretMargret's screen goes blank and we just see Ernie on his screen.

I will.


We see an “I'm away from the phone” screen for Burt.

To Burt, a series of questions, no empathy.

Burt, why are you over reacting?

What went wrong this time? What are you so upsetabout? Did your bagel get stuck in the toaster? Are we out of chocolate ice cream? Were you trying to use the Fry Baby to deep fat fry a turkey again?

You always over react, and you always get so angry.You know I can't talk to you when you act like this.

Just stop it. You wouldn't ever do anything crazy to hurt yourself.

And you certainly are not going to shoot yourself. We don't even have a gun

B Burt's screen pops up and we see him briefly, then he leaves the view followed by the sound of rummaging.

Oh, no? We most certainly do have a gun.

And I am going to get it.

E What are you talking about? What gun?

B Ah ha! I found it!

THIS GUN!


E What the hell is that? Let me see that.

Burt, this is your dad's 1950s Czechoslovakian,single shot pump-action pellet gun. You would die of lead poisoning handling the pellets before you could do any serious damage to yourself with this gun.

Do you even know how to load it?

B No, but you could show me.

E That is NOT going to happen.

I can't talk to you when you act like this.

End Scene


ACT Three Scene 2

Notes: Ernie unsuccessfully tries to squash Burt's irrational ideations of suicide. Burt wallows in self-pity. Three screens up, only Burt's is live

M Blank screen (just screen ID at bottom)

E Ernie's Away Screen

B Alone, sad, and speaking to himself, He can't talk to me right now because he is soooo busy. The real reason he can't talk to me right now is because he just doesn't care how I feel. I am a kitchen slave to him, a meal maker, and he doesn't even appreciate that. He doesn't give a damn how much trouble I go to when I cook for us.

I will show him. He will be sorry when I am not around to shop, plan, prepare food for him. Let him try to make nice things to eat when I am gone.

I'm over-reacting? Maybe, but he is under-reacting. He doesn't see how much he hurts my feelings. At least I am in touch with my feelings and I know when enough is enough.

Oh yeah, he will be sorry when I am gone.

E Ernie's screen goes live up Burt? Are you there?

I am sorry, I just don't understand why you let these stupid little things get to you. You are too emotional about everything. And you get too angry. I don't want to be around you when you get


like this.

B On screen Ernie, you started by saying you were sorry, but that is not an apology, because you tack on a bunchof criticisms that makes you feel justified. Can't you at least try to notice the effort I make? Do you care that I am feeling hurt, frustrated, and yes, angry?

E. Do you want to know what I think, Burt? You make all that effort for yourself, not for me. I would be just as happy having peanut butter and crackers. You don't notice when I am busy working on all the things I have to do. Instead you are always making noise in the kitchen or interrupting me.

B Great. So, now we are back to talking about how busy you are?

E I can't talk to you when you are like this. I have work to do.

B Under his breath Yeah, busy work.

Screens go blank

End Scene

Act Three Scene 3

Summary: It will take Margret's compassion and emotional intelligence to get Burt over the hump. In the end, she will be called away for a phone callfrom the assisted living facility where her mother resides. Burt will reciprocate with loving strength and support for her crisis. Ernie has the final say, addressing his fears for the future of our country, before the last supper is served. CURTAIN )

Scene opens with Ernie calling Burt to take a call from Margret.

Sound of an incoming call


E. Burt, pick up, Margret wants to talk to you.

M Hey honey. Ernie said you are having a tough time of it.

B Hey Margret.

I am surprised he even noticed.

M

Burt laughs at the image

Oh, is he in “the flow” again? I see how that can be kind of annoying.

I am always afraid he might just pour himself a second cup coffee, and forget that he has barely touched the first one, Then you get coffee spilling down those fancy Corian counter-tops y'all had installed last year.

No doubt about it, love, you married an absent-minded professor.

B It's not just that, Margret. And it's not just about him.

M What do you mean, hon?

B I am so scared about catching this virus. You knowmy sister is a pulminologist, and she said that, in general, if you get placed on a vent, you got less than 50/50 chance of ever coming off it.

M You and Ernie certainly have a way of cheering me up with all your know about this COVID mess.

B What I mean is that I don't want either of us to face that decision. And, to be honest, Ernie has the better genes, both his folks are in their upper 80's and doing well. My dad died at 72.

What about your mom? I remember you going to take care of her at the end.

She was almost 80.

So, maybe you got some longevity there. Right?

You know, the thing about taking care of my mom at the end, I always expected her to ask me to just dose her up on morphine and let her go, but she never did. She hung in there until the very end, and


seemed glad for it.

Right now, that is not how I am feeling.

How are are you feeling?

Dark, Margret really dark.

I don't want this to linger on forever.

I even told Ernie I was gonna shoot my self, but I guess the rifle we have here isn't exactly the kinda gun for that job.

M

Burt goes wide-eyed.

If you are sure you want to kill yourself, you can borrow my 410. I have it here all loaded with lead. One good shot and your brains will be spattered across those counter-tops.

But, Burt, I don't think you want to do that. Ernie loves you so very much. He thinks you hang the moon and the stars. Remember he is the one who surprised you by having those counter-tops installed while you were away.

And you realize, of course, that if you weren't around, Ernie would be reduced to eating plain ham or turkey sandwiches on cheap buns from Dollar General over the sink everyday. Could you live with that as your legacy, hon?

B No, I guess not.

M Burt honey, you know what might really cheer us both up a little?

B What?

M Well, I haven't been eating like I should, and I was just thinking how much I enjoyed those oysters youmade in miso.

Do you think you might whip me up a batch and drop them over later?


M Screen freeze 3 seconds...then blank

B Screen freeze 3 seconds, then blank

E Ernie pops up

EFTA --- finger to lipsErnie's major dramatic monologue

Shh.

I really can't get my head around the numbers I hear on the news.

Is 100, 000 dead acceptable when 200,000 fatalities are feared?

Will a victory story will be spun out of the flatfooted response to this pandemic?

AIDS was swept under the carpet, Vietnam was mygeneration's public defining loss of human life. Of the nine million American men and women who served their country in Vietnam, fifty seven thousand, a bit over ½ a percent, died or are presumed dead. COVID1 could have a mortality rate of as high as three percent.

In just the last 12 weeks, almost twice as many Americans have died from this bastard of a virus, than all of those Americans who were lost in a full decade of the Vietnam War.

What if three percent of the 9 million Americans who served in Vietnam had died? It would bring the number to over a quarter million Americans. As if every man, woman and child in Macon and Savanah combined up and died.


Even if there had been enough caskets to bring all the bodies home,

mothers would have been in the streets yelling, “HELL NO, HE WON'T GO!”

I am worried for this two hundred year old experiment in democracy.

We have lost our checks and balances.

The executive branch is looking after it's own interests, the Judiciary has been packed, and the Legislature is fractured.

It seems that the three-legged stool maybe be termite-infested and falling out of balance. It mightbe collapsing under its own weight.

And I wonder if there is a carpenter out there who


can help us repair it?

Long pause...

Ernie's screen goes blank for 5 seconds...False ending....long pause screens blank, then the sounds of pots and pans.

B Voice only

Then image

Ernie, can you help me serve dinner? Nothing fancy tonight, just hot dogs and french fries.

OK, I did whip up a little cake for dessert.


CURTAIN--

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Country Kitchen: Love, Food, & Fear in the Time of Corona (A … · 2020-05-26 · I really don't know why I said that. I am just so sick and fucking tired of all this. And I am NOT