Copyright © 2011 Bob Grant of the author....Facts About Long Distance Relationships Let me define exactly what I mean by the term Long Distance Relationship. A long-distance relationship

Long Distance Relationships

Copyright © 2011 Bob Grant

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~ Table of Contents ~INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Chapter 1 What Makes a Long Distance Relationship So Difficult. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Facts About Long Distance Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Every Interaction is Magnified . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Be Prepared: At Times It’s Going to be Lonely . . . . . . . . . . . . 12

Chapter 2 The Emotion Stages of a Long Distance Relationship. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Stage 1-Excitement and Infatuation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Stage 2-Loneliness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Stage 3-Resentment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Stage 4- Detachment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20

Chapter 3 The Two Types of long Distance Relationships . . . . . . . . . 22 Paraphrase What Your Partner Just Said . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Try and Guess Your Partner’s Feelings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 Have Frequent Conversations With Your Partner . . . . . . . . . 27 Be Curious When You Communicate With Your Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 “Tell Me More” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28 Be Careful About Asking For Things That Your Partner Can’t Deliver. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30

Chapter 4 Knowing Their Love Trigger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Verbal Affirmation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Spending Quality Time Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Receiving Gifts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Acts of Service . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Physical Touch Language . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

Chapter 5 Surefire Ways to Make Departures and Arrivals Special... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

Chapter 6 The Most Meaningful Care Packages You Could Ever Send a Lover . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39

Chapter 7 Simple and Powerful Suggestions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 When you are talking on the phone, smile as much as possible . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Never allow your partner to take you for granted. . . . . . . . . . 43 When it comes to intentions, give them the benefit of the doubt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Treat a long distance relationship like a marathon . . . . . . . . 45

Bonus Chapter What if My Partner is Keeping Us Apart? And You’re Tired of Waiting? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 Is the reason for your living apart work-related?. . . . . . . . . . . 47 Are there family members that hinder the possibility of moving? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 Are there health reasons that prohibit either of you from moving?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 If You’re Tired of Waiting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 What do you want in your relationship? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 How long have you been a couple? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 Are you enabling? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 Would you be willing to accommodate your partner’s reason for not living in the same town?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 You decide that the relationship must change for it to continue? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 You must be willing to risk losing your partner if those changes do not occur . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .52 Creating a Sense of Urgency . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54

Summary Yes, it’s Worth It!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57

www.relationshipheadquarters.com

~ INTRODUCTION ~

I didn’t intend to marry a girl from California. I mean, I lived

across the country and had a counseling practice in Atlanta,

Georgia that I had spent 10 years cultivating. Yet, I was hooked. The

woman I loved lived 2500 miles away and the worst part was, I hated to

fly. Yet no matter how much I tried to rationalize the impracticality of my

dilemma, it was no use. I was in love and about to begin the mother of all

long distance relationships. She owned a cookie store, so it wasn’t an option

for her to simply pack up her bags and leave either. For the next 6 months,

I was going to have to brace myself for the highs and the lows, the doubts

and the thrills that define every long distance relationship, and that’s just

what we did. We survived our separation. Now 12 years and 4 children

later, I can tell you it was worth the struggle.

If you’re in a long distance relationship then you know exactly how my

wife and I felt. To say it was exhausting would be an understatement, but

what I learned is that it doesn’t have to be that hard. Much of the stress of

your separation can be decreased and even used as a building block for

your future together. If you’re in a long distance relationship right now, I

want you to know that there is hope that your relationship can withstand

the separation. We’re going to go over the dynamics of what makes a long

distance relationship different from a traditional relationship. In addition,

you’ll learn how to make your partner feel special, even when you’re apart.

For example, you’ll learn how to talk to your sweetheart on the phone in

a way that makes them feel understood and appreciated. As you put this

5

http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com


action plan into place, you and your partner will discover that the time

apart isn’t going to end your relationship, but rather it can actually make it

stronger. If you’re ready, let’s begin!

6



T he toughest thing about a relationship where two people are

separated by distance is that they don’t get the daily physical

interaction that would occur in a “normal relationship.” Time spent

together has the greatest effect on helping a couple bond with one another.

The myriad of interactions that causes couples to grow closer, both the

frustrating events as well as the pleasant surprises, cause intense rushes of

feelings for both partners. When a couple repeatedly shares an emotional

experience, they are biologically drawn to one another. While some things

produce more intense feelings than others, such as sex, frequent and varied

experiences produce a much greater sense of intimacy than the intensity

of a one-time event. This is why it simply isn’t enough to say wonderful

things to one another. To grow as a couple, you must have shared, real-life,

person-to-person experiences.

Engaging in wonderful bonding activities, whether it involves attending a

jazz concert or merely spending an evening alone cuddled up on the sofa

watching TV, requires one thing: time. It just isn’t possible to cram a month

worth of stimulating experiences into one weekend. Time gives the couple

the opportunity to gradually grow closer without having to put pressure on

7

~ CHAPTER ONE ~

What Makes a Long Distance Relationship so

Difficult



making each event “Wonderful” or “Life Changing.”

This is one reason why a long distance relationship can be so hard and

why so many famous Hollywood marriages end in divorce. These splitting

couples often say, “We didn’t see each other that much; we grew apart.”

Chemistry is a wonderful thing, but chemistry alone is not enough. A

relationship must be maintained, fostered, and nurtured, no matter how

wonderful it was in the beginning.

Regardless of how wonderful the phone conversations are or how

endearing the email exchanges may be, spending time apart is going to be

hard on your relationship. A long distance relationship isn’t really going

to be as fulfilling as a relationship where you see each other on a constant

basis. You can, however, continue to foster your love for each other during

the separation, with the ultimate goal being the reunion and a one-on-one

future together.

8



Facts About Long Distance Relationships

Let me define exactly what I mean by the term Long Distance Relationship.

A long-distance relationship (LDR) is typically an intimate relationship

in which a considerable distance separates the partners for an extended

period of time.

There are statistics which capture distance relationships in broad strokes,

but many people will probably find themselves in a bracket of their

own. The Centre for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (where?)

compiled data of over 200 couples (in which year?) which found the

following insights:

Average distance apart: 125 miles

Average number of visits: 1.5 times per month

Average number of phone calls: Once every 2 days

Average length of phone calls: 30 minutes

Average number of letters written (excl. E-mail): 3 letters per month

What are the survival rates of a LDR compared to a traditional

relationship?

While not much research has been done on this subject, one study by the

Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (http://spr.sagepub.com/

content/12/2/313.abstract) studied the effect that spending time apart had

on a couple’s relationship. They came to this conclusion: “The amount

9



of time a couple spends together does not itself play a central role in

relationship maintenance.” But how can that be? Everyone knows that

spending time apart is difficult on a couple, yet this study claims that this

factor isn’t the cause of a relationship’s success or failure? Actually what

the research shows is something quite interesting. In a LDR, a couple’s

strengths and weaknesses are magnified. If you fight often, you’ll fight

even more frequently when

separated by distance. The

same applies to patterns of

jealousy, fear, unfaithfulness,

etc. A LDR doesn’t make

or break a couple; it reveals

information about the

partnership. This is excellent news because it means you are in control

of your relationship, not your circumstances. To make use of this

information, let’s go over the dynamics of what makes a LDR different so

you can avoid adding undo pressure onto your relationship.

Every Interaction is MagnifiedWhen interacting with your partner via phone, email, and text, fewer of

your senses are engaged than if you were interacting with him or her in

person. When you see someone in person, you experience him or her

with several of your 5 senses simultaneously. You see them visually, hear

the sound of their voice, and notice and interpret their body language

and hand gestures. You may notice the scent of your partner’s cologne

or perfume, or take note of the way he or she leans nearer when you are

talking about something important to you.

In a LDR, a couple’s strengths and

weaknesses are magnified. If you fight often,

you’ll fight even more frequently when

separated by distance. The same applies to

patterns of jealousy, fear, unfaithfulness, etc.

10



There’s also another benefit for couples interacting in person. The more

of your senses engaged in interacting with someone, the more likely they

are to “feel” you. What do I mean by that? Couples grow closer through

the process of shared experiences. An important component of those

experiences consists of the feelings associated with them. For example,

you may remember the overwhelming sense of joy you experienced on

your first cruise together as a couple. You may remember the scent of the

fancy whipped coffee you drank together on deck, the feeling of the sun’s

intense heat on your shoulders while you sunbathed together, or the sound

of your partner’s laughing as the two of you learned a new dance together

in the ballroom. You store memories through not only thoughts, but

emotions as well.

In addition to enabling a person to properly interpret another’s intentions,

interacting with multiple senses also does something else: it hastens the

bonding process. Think about all of the visual cues that you notice when

you interact with someone. Pretend that you’re sitting across the table

from your boyfriend and he says something that may or may not be a joke.

You are not entirely sure if he’s being sarcastic or not, so you look for clues

that might indicate whether he’s serious or jesting. Perhaps he smiled

when he said it. He might have even reached out and touched your hand.

When the identical conversation occurs over the phone in a long distance

relationship, you don’t have the advantage of visual cues. You can’t see the

look on his face, you can’t tell the way he tilts his head, and he’s not able

to reach out and touch your hand. It isn’t just what he said; it’s also how

you interpreted it minus visual cues. Couples often don’t take this into

consideration because they believe they know their partner so well that

they couldn’t possibly misinterpret him or her.

11



The fewer senses involved, the more each sense gets magnified. It is

because of this factor that is it important for you to be very careful when

having serious discussions over the phone or especially through email.

Absolutely never do it through a text message. Things said in jest can very

easily be taken the wrong way. When you can’t see the person often, the

relationship is going to be more strained. By realizing the challenge you

can avoid putting a strain on your relationship by making assumptions

that may or may not be accurate. Instead, focus your time and energy into

communicating in more effective ways.

Be Prepared: At Times It’s Going to be Lonely

As a couple progresses from a casual relationship to a more intimate

commitment, something interesting happens in each person’s brain.

Each partner begins to rely upon the other in ways that create a sort

of emotional dependency. When one person has a bad day, it becomes

almost a habit to call his or her partner to discuss the details. If one person

discovers something amusing, it seems only natural to let his or her partner

know the joke. The habit of sharing their thoughts, frustrations, and joys

with each other forms an emotional bond. When the couple is separated,

all of those thoughts feel trapped inside.

While loneliness is a normal part of a LDR, what makes it worse is when

a person stops interacting with other adults. No matter how busy you

are there is no substitute for time spent with others. Invite someone

over, schedule a lunch with a friend or just get out of the house and try

something different every week. If you isolate yourself, your fears will

become magnified, guaranteed. Often individuals ask themselves if it’s

12



really worth going through such an excruciatingly painful experience. If

that’s you, then here’s my answer. If you’ve ever thought about leaving, ask

yourself this question: “Do I want to go through life without this person?”

Don’t ask things like: “Why don’t I feel a deep passion right now?” or

“Why can’t I stop feeling this way?” Those questions will only make you

feel worse.

Do you want to live without this person in your life?

A relationship that is full of passion isn’t one that is passionate all the time.

It isn’t possible. Really, it isn’t. An intense relationship has periods where

there really are very few feelings at all. This occurs in much the same way

as you don’t crave your favorite food every meal or feel the same way about

your beautiful car that you did the day you bought it. The newness wears

off - it’s supposed to.

The kind of passion that lasts a lifetime only occurs when couples actually

go through periods of loneliness and doubt. It is during those periods that

couples do the most bonding.

“Can I live without this person?”

You could. You can take steps to end the relationship and find someone

different, but is that new person going to be “better?” They’ll be different,

but do you want to invest and create something new with someone else?

“Do I want to live without this person?”

If you ask that question when you’re lonely, it will either reinforce to you

that this relationship is where your heart is (as it did when I was across the

13



country from my love) or you will find your heart emotionally releasing you from the relationship. The purpose of asking such a repetitive question is to help you clarify how you truly feel. When you’re confused about your feelings, what you need more than anything is something that will help you focus on what’s most important. Rather than trying to analyze all the different aspects of your relationship, it is better to focus on what’s most important. By asking the question over and over, you’ll soon discover the answer that is most important to you.

Can I live without this person?

That’s the question that will make it very clear to you if it’s time to move on or, if you are like I was in my situation, it will indicate that you are in

love with this person. Therefore, you simply have to find a way to make the

relationship work.

14



W hen a couple finds themselves involved in circumstances that

they didn’t anticipate, such as an extended separation, it can

be very helpful to know what emotions they are likely to encounter. Often

each individual feels that his or her feelings are unique, and this causes

this person to question him or herself, his or her partner, or even the

relationship itself.

Below are the most common stages that couples report going though

during the entire process of geographical separation.

Stage 1 - Excitement and Infatuation

This stage occurs when the couple spends face-to-face time together.

The days leading up to this meeting are often filled with excitement and

anticipation. What each has longed for (being together) is finally going to

happen. Many couples describe these meetings as a mixture of emotions of

both the joy of being together and the reminder of the fact that their time

together is limited. Some would describe these feelings as bittersweet.

~ CHAPTER TWO ~

The Emotion Stages of a Long Distance Relationship

15



A common mistake is to become enthralled in the intense feelings

during this period and think things such as “If only we were together

permanently, we’d feel like this always.” Be careful if you find yourself in

this situation. It’s easy to make such assumptions when all is going so well,

but you must remember that during such short visits the realities of living

with someone daily often are hidden by the intensity of the moment. This

is followed by...

Stage 2 - Loneliness (although not

limited to Stage 2)

Seasoned military wives will tell you one thing: the first week is the

hardest. The depths of longing and sadness can be overwhelming, and

the smallest thing can leave you an emotional wreck. During the first

weeks of the separation, each

member of the couple misses

the other immensely and is

reminded frequently that he or

she is alone. Even daily activities

serve as reminders of one’s

beloved. Sleeping in the bed

you once shared, eating at your

dining room table, walking the

dog along a favorite path, eating

at a restaurant the two of you

frequented, and even grocery

shopping alone will remind you

16



of your partner and the time you shared. Watching chick-flicks and seeing

other couples makes the loneliness almost unbearable at times, so be sure

to know what your tolerance levels are and take it easy those first weeks.

The daily physical interactions an average couple enjoys on a daily basis

are simply not possible in a long-distance relationship. While we know this

from the get go, it’s still very hard to experience intense feelings of longing,

loneliness, and sadness. During this phase, each partner tends to want

reassurance.

For women, this often means that she wants her man to remind her of her

value in his eyes and to ease her fears. She wants to hear about how much

he loves her and that he is committed to their relationship.

During this same phase, men

want their partner to be playful

and flirtatious with them. When

he’s alone, he wants to hear her

voice. Phone calls become a

bright spot in his day. Because

men don’t need as much

reassurance as women, it’s also

common for him to focus on his

job, or some other task, to help

him cope with his uncomfortable feelings. Women, this doesn’t mean he

doesn’t care about the relationship or loves you any less than he did when

he left. It’s simply a difference between men and women, and if you learn

to understand and accept this fact, the happier you will be! When you talk

For women, this often means that

she wants her man to remind her

of her value in his eyes and to

ease her fears. She wants to hear

about how much he loves her

and that he is committed to their

relationship.

17



together, try to be upbeat and not focus only on how hard the separation

is on you and how miserable you are. Be sure to let him know how much

you love and miss him, but also give him some of the love and warmth that

keeps him coming back for more. Even if you have to pretend for awhile,

you can convince yourself that you are happy and that everything will

be just fine. Be sure to give him some of that flirtation he so desperately

desires!

After 4-7 weeks of loneliness, you’ll move into the next phase.

Stage 3 - ResentmentThis is often the most dangerous stage; because once resentment has

spread its roots into the foundation of a relationship, it can be irreparable.

Resentment is toxic to a relationship. Most individuals don’t realize

what resentment truly is or what causes it. Resentment is the feeling that

develops when one believes they are giving more to someone than they

are receiving back in return. When couples are separated, each individual

becomes aware of the sacrifices that he or she is making, but can’t see or

experience what the partner is also enduring. Even though each person

knows that it is difficult for his or her partner, one’s own daily struggles

begin to weigh on the heart. After several weeks without reassuring

non-verbal gestures like hugs and kisses, each partner often looks for

appreciation via media (phone, email, text, etc). If one doesn’t get the

validation that one feels he or she deserves, this person begins to feel taken

for granted. Resentment is not something that builds consciously in one’s

mind. It’s an interpretation of one’s feelings. Let me explain.

18



Famous Psychologist Albert Ellis was the first to describe this phenomenon

with this diagram:

A ---------------> B ---------------------> C

A is the action that occurs. Let’s say you’re separated from your partner and

he or she didn’t call. The “action” is the fact that he didn’t call when he said

he would or perhaps he didn’t tell you how special your sacrifice is to him.

B is the belief about those events.

Let’s imagine that Jill doesn’t get a phone call from Mike at 5pm. They

had planned this call ahead of time. Immediately she begins to wonder

such things as, “Is something wrong?” “Is he mad about something?” or

“Perhaps I got the time wrong?” None of these are facts, but rather merely

her ideas. While they are all valid questions and feelings, none of them are

accurate until they can be verified.

C is the conclusion.

The conclusion is the action someone decides to take in response to the

initial action(s). In the aforementioned case of Jill and Mike, step C would

be any of these conclusions Jill reached after Mike hasn’t called, such as:

1) “Mike’s an idiot. He knows he should have called me if he couldn’t keep

our appointment. I’m so done with him.”

or

2) “Oh my gosh, I just know something’s happened to him. He never

misses a call and I just know that something horrible has happened.”

19



Notice that with each of these statements nothing has changed about her

circumstances. Mike hasn’t called, and Jill could reach either of these two

conclusions based on her BELIEFS about Mike not calling.

When couples are separated, they aren’t aware of how their beliefs are

affecting how they react to the other person. Most individuals go through

an experience similar to the mentioned missing phone call. They reach

a conclusion without realizing that their beliefs about the action are the

main reason for their feelings, as opposed to the simple facts about what

has happened to them.

Psychologists often say, “No one can make you happy or unhappy. It’s

how you interpret it.” I don’t mean to imply that you can interpret any

circumstance as positive. In Jill’s case, when Mike didn’t call, she had every

right to feel upset.

What is so potentially dangerous is if Jill doesn’t realize how easy it would

be to let her fears run wild in her mind. It isn’t easy to keep from assuming

something bad, but it is critical that Jill do just that. If she doesn’t keep her

imagination at bay, she’ll soon begin developing resentment toward Mike.

Even if he has a valid reason for missing their call, if she’s letting her anger

ruminate in her mind, the damage will already be done. She’ll hold that

against him, whether she realizes it or not. This leads to the next phase.

Stage 4 - DetachmentWhile resentment can surface after 7 weeks, it doesn’t always do so during

this timeframe. It may take some couples months for resentment to build

up. What is certain is that if it continues to build, the couple will reach

20



the fatal stage of a relationship: detachment. As a therapist, I can tell you

that what I fear the most when seeing couples is this stage. When one

partner or both partners are detached, it becomes very difficult to save the

relationship. It’s possible, but with detachment comes resentment. At this

stage, the person stops giving love and the death spiral has begun. When

one or both partners reach this stage, the relationship is almost certainly

over. This stage must be avoided at all costs! Once a couple reaches this

stage, it is difficult to reconcile because their resentment has made them

feel as though they are taken for granted.

What’s important to know about these phases is how to manage the first

two phases and avoid Phase 3 and 4. Couples that are separated inevitably

go through periods of excitement, anticipation and loneliness, but it is

critical that they avoid prolonged time feeling resentment, hurt and as

though they are being taken for granted. Above all, you don’t want the

relationship to get to Phase 3 and 4.

21



W hy are you in a long distance relationship? While there are

dozens of reasons why couples live apart, most can be

summarized in 2 categories: 1.There are circumstances that can’t be

helped, or 2. Someone is unable or unwilling to make a commitment. The

difference between these two is that each represents a different goal. If your

relationship is simply being tested because of distance, then your primary

focus is on nurturing the relationship until you both can be reunited. If one

partner is using the distance as an excuse to avoid getting closer, then we’ll

discuss strategies to move the relationship further along.

Let’s begin with the most common cause of long distance relationships:

Circumstances that don’t allow you to be together. For every person who

says, “I’d never be in a long distance relationship,” I’d tell him or her that

no one plans on it. Sometimes you happen to fall in love with a person

who lives in a different geographical location, like I did. Your heart is not

always practical or even logical when it comes to love. Someone isn’t naïve

or silly for getting involved in long-distance love, but rather that they have

realized the truth that they do not want to live without the other person.

Finding someone that you love isn’t as easy as going to Wal-Mart and

~ CHAPTER THREE ~

The Two Types of Long Distance Relationships

22



buying a T-shirt. When you find someone wonderful, it’s wise not to let

circumstances get in the way of a wonderful relationship. Let’s say that

your situation is one that really can’t be changed. Even though one of you

could move, the risk isn’t worth it - even if the relationship has to end. The

goal in such a situation isn’t to find a way for either of you to relocate at

this time. Instead, the goal is to focus on maintaining and enhancing your

emotional bond. While most individuals believe this is done simply by

talking with one another, there are multiple ways a couple can cultivate an

atmosphere of anticipation.

Before we go into the various ways of creating passion, let’s go over the

most important ingredient of a long-distance relationship. Couples that

survive and even thrive when separated have one powerful trait that other

couples don’t: empathy. Successful long-distance couples cultivate an

atmosphere of empathy. What exactly is empathy? It is often defined as

being able to see something from another’s perspective. When your partner

feels that you’ve understood him or her, you’re practicing empathy. Notice

I didn’t say that you simply understood them, because that’s not the same

thing as letting your partner know that you’ve understood them. Of course

you know what they are talking about but without some feedback from

you, they don’t know whether you’re understanding them or not.

I’ll tell you a secret. If your partner seems to be repeating the same

point over and over again, it means one thing: he or she doesn’t believe

that you’ve understood them. Before you focus on creating emotional

interactions that are exciting and fun, consider the advice of Steven Covey.

In his book 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, he recommends that

23



people seek first to understand and then to be understood.

How do you do this? Let’s begin.

First, paraphrase what your partner just said.

This doesn’t mean you have to be a parrot, but rather summarize what

they are talking about. Notice how Jennifer does this with her husband,

who is working for 14 months on a temporary assignment for his company

overseas, over a telephone conversation.

Husband: Today I met with my boss and nothing exciting happened.

Jennifer: Nothing happened much today?

Husband: No, and that’s actually a good thing (laughing).

Notice how it isn’t complicated to do this and it makes your partner feel

connected to you. They don’t have anyone to listen to them and they want

share their thoughts with someone special. That person is you!

This technique is also highly useful during a discussion or disagreement.

Take this scenario for example:

John: You are too busy. You don’t have time for me because you are always

volunteering after work, and you’re not there when I call.

Melanie: You’re feeling that I spend too much time away from home, and

you’re upset I’m not there when you’d like to chat?

John: Yes. I want more of your time. I feel like I’m too low on your priority

list sometimes.

24



Melanie: You feel like I’m not making you a high enough priority and want

me to devote more time to you.

Instead of getting defensive, Melanie used empathy and truly made John

feel heard. This could have become a huge confrontation. Instead, with

a little empathy, they can talk through the issue and come to some sort

of resolution. People love to feel heard, and it’s no harder than repeating

back what you hear them saying. It’s a great way to avoid fights and

misunderstandings!

Secondly, try and guess your partner’s feelings.

Being able to correctly “guess” what your lover is feeling will reinforce

his or her devotion to you long after your conversation has ended. This

technique isn’t necessary with every conversation. In fact, you really

won’t use it much, but it is invaluable to have it at your disposal. You can

guess his or her feelings from unspoken cues, mannerisms, tone of voice,

and even from past related conversations. Showing someone that you

understand their feelings makes them feel extremely intimate with you.

This is the ultimate way to practice empathy.

Empathy doesn’t mean that you

feel sorry for someone. Empathy

doesn’t primarily mean that when

people feel bad that you feel bad

with them. While that can be

empathetic, that’s really nothing

more than feeling someone’s pain.

Showing someone that you

understand their feelings makes

them feel extremely intimate with

you. This is the ultimate way to

practice empathy.

25



Empathy is more than that. Empathy is when you listen attentively to your

partner so that you have a good idea of his or her perspective.

A woman sees a man who seems upset. She picks up on his pain and can

tell something is bothering him; perhaps it is trouble at work. She consoles

him because it makes her feel good. Who doesn’t like making someone

else feel better? What would be more of a challenge for her would be for to

listen to that same man discuss how much he enjoyed himself at a sporting

event and be able to emphasis with why he’s so excited. This one is tougher

because she isn’t interested in sports and doesn’t relate to the passion that

many men feel about their sports teams. It would require her to truly

focus on what he is saying. On the other side of the spectrum is a man

who listens to his partner and instead of empathizing with her feelings, he

becomes overwhelmed with information and attempts to “fix” her problem

instead.

When you empathize with your partner about something that he or she

likes it’s simply a way of building emotional intimacy. Empathy requires

more concentration because you’re not naturally inclined to be interested

in everything that they like or are concerned about. Even though this

requires work, the rewards are priceless. Nothing makes the other person

feel as understood as when you practice true empathy on them. When

most of your conversations are over the phone or some other electronic

method, empathy is vital to maintaining and building your bond. You want

to look for things that you can relate to. If he is having a tough time in his

job, he doesn’t need you to say, “How horrible that must be.” No, he needs

you to acknowledge that what he is going through is indeed difficult. He

26



primarily wants you to be appreciative of the sacrifice that he’s making.

In his mind, these circumstances are something that he’s doing to better

himself and ultimately to better you. Part of being able to empathize with

him means that you show appreciation for the hard work he’s doing.

Third, have frequent conversations with your partner.

Make speaking with one another a top priority. It is the frequency

of the conversation that is more important than the duration. Five

short conversations are better than one long

conversation over a 2-week period. Why?

There’s less pressure on each of the short

conversations than making that one lone

conversation perfect.

If you were to see someone daily, it’s unlikely

that you are going to have a lot of 1 and 1 ½ hour conversations. You

wouldn’t need that kind of reassurance. By having less intense conversations

and having them more frequently, you have the ability to bond without

putting pressure on each conversation to be magical or to be incredibly

emotionally stimulating.

Fourth, be curious when you

communicate with your love.

Curiosity is an amazing quality in an early

relationship. It helps two people bond,

simply because they don’t know each other

that well. At this stage in a relationship,

27



couples make it a point to ask questions of one another and to be interested

in the other person’s activities. This is incredibly flattering and makes you

want to be around someone who shows so much interest in you!

It is easy to get out of the curiosity habit once you have known someone

for a while. Don’t let this happen to your relationship! Being curious about

what’s going on with your partner makes him or her feel special. A little-

known secret is that no one truly listens to men. A lot of this is the fault of

men themselves. Men don’t share their feelings a lot; they don’t open up

often. When someone listens to them and takes the time to pay attention to

them and listen to their stories, it creates a special bond.

How do you start showing curiosity again? Let me tell you the magical

words that will have your partner longing to speak with you more often.

When they finish expressing their thoughts, say these words:

“Tell Me More”I can imagine what you’re thinking, “What, that’s it?” Just try it.

I promise you that your partner won’t think it’s silly. In fact, they’re hoping

you say those words. They long to tell you what’s on their heart and it

reminds them why they fell in love with you to begin with. Notice how

Jason creates an emotion bond with his girlfriend Rachel by using this

simple but powerful technique.

Jason: How was your day?

Rachel: It started out o.k. but then I had dinner with Sissy (her sister) and

28



we talked about what we were going to do on Thanksgiving and she told

me that everyone is expecting me to come even though I told them we

already had plans.

Jason: Tell me more.

Rachel: Well, I told her that we decided to take a trip away from our

families this year and she asked me why I was putting you ahead of my

family. I told her that I don’t get to see you that often and she told me I was

disappointing the whole family.

Jason: Tell me more.

Rachel: I feel like I’m going to be upsetting everyone if I don’t spend

Thanksgiving with them but I do that every year. I just wish she tried to

understand my feelings.

(The conversation continues along these lines for the next 5 minutes or so,

eventually ending something like this:)

Rachel: Actually I’m o.k. I really do want to spend Thanksgiving with you.

I’ll see them at Christmas. I feel better. Thanks so much for listening.

Yes, that little phrase is that powerful. I know because I’m a professional

counselor and I’ve used it with clients for the last 20 years. They like it and

it makes them feel like I’m interested in what they have to say (and I am).

Once you’ve listened long enough, your partner will tell you what he or she

needs. They’ll ask you a question or for your input. When they do, you’ll

seem like their hero in their eyes - the one person who “gets” them.

29



Lastly, be careful about asking for things that your partner can’t

deliver.

If you ever heard the old saying, “Think before you speak,” there’s never a

better place to apply that little gem than to a long-distance conversation. Be

careful and aware of what you say. You may feel that you’re expressing your

feelings. You, of course, understand your intentions and know when you

don’t mean something literally. But since phone calls and email exaggerate

the words that you use, you can easily cause your partner to feel as if he or

she has done something wrong. More specifically, your partner may feel as

though he or she is disappointing you.

For example, saying “I wish you could come home right now” may sound

romantic on one level, but it also reminds your partner that they can’t

come home. It may stir up fears inside of them (especially for men) such as,

“Gosh, if I can’t come home, is there someone that’s going to make her feel

better since I can’t.” Saying such things as, “I wish you didn’t leave,” could

elicit the same reaction. I’m not saying to never say things like that. Keep in

mind that when you say something that conveys that you’re hurt and he’s

not able to do something about it immediately because he is a long distance

from you, he’s much more likely to feel like a failure than to bond with you.

If you’re feeling frustrated because he’s not there, don’t keep it inside, but

do chose carefully where to vent your feelings. That’s what your support

system is for, whether it be your girlfriends, your family, your therapist, or

your pastor. The goal is to maintain a bond with him, and while it may feel

wonderful and intimate to share all of your feelings, even the ones that are

a bit overwhelming, remember that men and women deal with this sort of

30



information differently. Women feel better after venting. A man wants to

fix a “problem.” If he can’t do something about it immediately; it will stir up

his fears and make him feel uncomfortable. It’s going to make him feel like

he’s a failure, even though that’s not what you said or conveyed.

Creating an atmosphere of empathy can be accomplished in person and

from afar. In fact, since emotions are magnified in a LDR, you can intensify

your partner’s desire for you by conveying that you understand and are

interested in what’s important to your partner. The good news is that you

don’t have to constantly do all 5 of the suggestions we’ve discussed. The

reality is that you’re probably pretty good at some of them. Even if you only

used 1 or 2 of them, your partner will begin to feel more connected and

closer to you. When you make them feel this way from a distance, they will

only want to be with you that much more.

31



E veryone has a love language. Very popular books have been written on the subject.

In his bestselling book, The Five Love Languages,” Dr. Gary Chapman

says that knowing your partner’s love language can be the hidden key to

maintaining a relationship. What are the five love languages?

1. Verbal affirmation.

Simply telling your partner the positive aspects about him or herself

conveys and often creates affection. For example, words of affirmation can

be as simple as saying, “I think you are the most wonderful man in the

world,” or “I am so lucky to have you in my life.”

2. Spending quality time together.

This is as simple as it sounds. If this is your love language, then you like

to spend time with your partner, and you feel loved when they spend

“quality” time with you both listening and speaking. You love spending

time together doing activities you both enjoy.

3. Receiving Gifts.

What makes this special to some individuals isn’t simply the gift that is

~ CHAPTER FOUR ~

Knowing Their Love Trigger

32



given, but the idea that they feel special when someone else cares enough

to get them a gift. If this is your love language, then when you don’t get

gifts, you’ll typically feel deprived in the relationship.

4. Acts of Service.

Individuals who express love via the acts of service language tend to see

such tasks like doing chores as acts of affection. This person feels loved

when they see the other person “doing things” for them.

5. Physical Touch Language

This individual feels loved when his or her partner displays some close

physical contact with them, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, and

sexual intercourse. The extent of physical touch varies depending upon

what each individual in the relationship is comfortable with.

If you’d like to know for sure what

you’re and/ or your partner’s Love

language is, then I’d recommend

Dr. Chapman’s book, “The Five

Love Languages.” You can buy

it everywhere. Knowing your

partner’s love language is a simple

yet powerful way of almost instantly

arousing feelings of affection for you.

It is as though they are hard wired to

respond to you when you speak their

love language. Let me tell you how

33



I saw this happen in person. Years ago I was doing premarital counseling

with a couple and we began discussing this very topic. It was the woman’s

turn to tell her fiancée what her love language was. After some discussion,

she admitted that being hugged by him made her feel very special. As I

pressed for more information, it turned out that there was a very specific

way she liked to be hugged. I ask that she demonstrate it, right there in the

counseling session. After a brief moment of embarrassment, she agreed

and gave Chris (her fiancée) a hug. I then ask him to do the same to her.

When he did, you could see her entire body grow limp and she simply

melted in his arms.

I promise she didn’t mean to. It felt awkward to act such a way in front of

me and Chris, but she couldn’t help it. When you find your partner’s love

language (or love trigger), it can have a similar effect!

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S aying goodbye is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do.

It is what makes a long distance relationship heart wrenchingly

difficult, and it is simply too much for some couples to handle. People

approach departure differently and not always in healthy ways. For military

couples, fighting often increases before a deployment. They’ll pick fights

and criticize each other over small and petty things. This is a way to create

distance and psychologically make the separation less painful. Many wives

say, “If I’m mad at him, it won’t be so hard to accept the fact he’s gone.

We’ll rekindle while he’s away anyway.” While it is perfectly normal to feel

emotional and a bit on edge before a departure, the “Angry Departure”

technique is not the healthiest choice.

It is possible to make a departure special. First, prepare yourself mentally

and emotionally for it. Accept that it will happen and that it is not the end

of the world. Think of it this way: once he or she departs, you can begin

counting down the days until you’re together again! Next, vow to let the

small things go. If he leaves his towel on the floor after showering, don’t

let it cause a conflict. Pick it up and throw it in the hamper. If she forgets

to pick up your clothes from the laundry mat, even though you reminded

~ CHAPTER FIVE ~

Surefire Ways to Make Departures and Arrivals Special

35



her ten times, make a mental note to get it yourself later on. Trust me, this

can be insanely hard. You can do it. Trust me. Do you want your memories

of your last few days together to be ones of petty conflicts or of love and

happy moments?

On the morning when one of you has to leave, do something special

together. Perhaps you could enjoy a big pancake breakfast together or a

long walk along the river. Do something meaningful for your relationship.

You don’t have to talk much if it’s too hard. If you can muster the strength

to talk without breaking down in tears, bring up funny memories. Laughter

makes it so much easier.

For women: If he’s traveling by plane, you might give him a small gift to

help pass his time. As an idea, you could give him his favorite magazine or

a new book he’s had his eye on. If space permits, give him a photo album

of your time together and a love letter reminding him of your feelings

and devotion to him. If he’s going to be gone for an extended period of

time, stick this in his bag before he leaves. He will be so touched when he

discovers these gifts and will truly feel loved.

Get as creative as you like when preparing a surprise love packet to slip

into his bag. If you’re comfortable with it, he might like some pictures of

you in lingerie. You may want to label the outside with a special code word

that means something to the two of you, so he doesn’t open it with others

around. Steamy coupons are fun too, as are romantic cards sealed with a

kiss. If he’s deploying in the military, write a letter telling him how much

you appreciate his sacrifices. Detail all the ways in which he makes you

proud and tell him how wonderful it is that he is your man. He will love

36



reading this later on, and it will make him feel so close to you.

For men: Write a sweet note and stick it in his folder, carry-on, or pocket.

When she finds it, she’ll be so happy that you were thinking of her.

The actual departure is tricky. Some women like a long, drawn out

departure with lots of hugging and tears. Others hug and say goodbye

at home, then find a quick drop-off to be much more bearable. Having

a surprise waiting for him in his bag will make goodbye easier because

you’ll be so excited for him to discover it. Try your best to say goodbye

on a high note. Put any conflicts and differences behind you; tell your

partner how much

you love spending

time together. Hint

at all the fun you’ll

have when you’re back

together again.

As you drive away and

the separation seems

impossibly, unbearably

long, keep this in mind: it’s time to start the countdown! This idea will truly

make time pass quicker and can even be fun. You can count down days,

weeks, months, seasons, holidays, or even garbage days. It is a great way to

stay connected too. You can celebrate each passing milestone. It really does

help. Before you know it, it’ll be time to plan the reunion. The excitement

builds as the big day approaches. While it will be special regardless, there

are things you can do to make reunion even more memorable.

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Start with a little mental preparation. If a lot of time has passed, be

prepared for some changes. It’s okay if everything doesn’t go perfectly

smooth. That is not a reflection of your relationship. Plan ahead of time for

meals and things to do, but be flexible too. You don’t want to end up with

nothing to do; nor do you want to be a dictator. Have a game plan ready for

your next meeting.

38



C are packages are one of the best ways to show your lover you care

when you are apart. Yes, I understand that most men would

never consider such a thing, but as you read these suggestions, use these

suggestions to come up with your own way of conveying how special

your lover is to you. By definition, a care package is a box brimming with

tokens of your affection. If can be filled with absolutely anything that is

meaningful to you as a couple. Here are some ideas:

For a soldier deployed in the Middle East, a care package should contain

some practical elements. What is it hard for him to obtain where he is

stationed? Things such as clean socks, deodorant, toothpaste, a pack of

cards, and his favorite snacks and candies (no chocolate because it will

melt!) will brighten his day. Also make him something to represent your

relationship, such as a thoughtful card, a poem, or even some naughty

coupons to be redeemed upon his return. A word about mailing risqué

pictures: as much as your man would love them, remember that anyone

~ CHAPTER SIX ~

The Most Meaningful Care Packages You Could Ever Send

a Lover

(Especially for Those Serving in the Military)

39



can open that package for inspection. If you don’t want to be the pinup

girl for the entire unit, don’t send them. Pack them in his things discreetly

before he ships out.

Home-baked goods are always a treat for deployed service members. There

are a few things you should keep in mind. If he at a base or aircraft carrier

that receives mail frequently, your cookies will likely arrive just fine and

ready to enjoy. Wrap them individually, pack the box with newspaper

or bubble wrap to protect them from breaking, and keep in mind that

anything made of chocolate will melt. If he is stationed on a smaller boat,

such as a destroyer or frigate, and mail is much more infrequent, consider

waiting to bake for him at home. Mail can take anywhere from 2-6 weeks

or longer to reach the ship, and by that time, the cookies will no longer be

edible. If this is the case, consider sending him his store-bought favorites.

If your lover is in another city, he won’t need you to send him the basic

necessities of life. Homemade cookies are still a great treat. You can also

use your package to commemorate your relationship past, present, and

future. Buy a nice frame and send him a favorite picture of the two of you

early in your relationship. Hand-write him a love letter and seal it with a

kiss and a spritz of perfume.

Send him tickets to a sporting event you can attend together, along with

related team memorabilia to get him pumped up. There are many online

sites from which you can order pre-made care packages. While they are

cute and easy, it will be so much more meaningful if you buy the items

yourself and ship them to your lover. He will know that you picked each

item because it reminded you of him.

40



Holidays of all sorts are perfect opportunities for care packages. For

a birthday package, you might get him a card, a present, streamers, a

birthday hat, and other fun party items from a dollar or party store.

This will be very special to a deployed service member. For a Halloween

package, you could get spooky party favors, lots of candy, and perhaps a

few gag gifts. If you are shipping something overseas, be sure to ship them

well in advance, because they can take a very long time to reach your lover.

Basically, your care package is an expression of your love. Get him things

he likes. If you don’t want to ask specifically what he wants, listen carefully

and he may tell you what he wishes he had, which sports team he likes,

or about books and magazines he enjoys. If it’s cold working outside, you

could send him some warm socks. If he really misses a certain brand

of candy, send it to him. There is no magical combination to create the

perfect care package. If you’re at a loss for ideas, here are some to get you

started:

Practical Items:

-Phone Cards

-Memory Cards

-Magazines

-Books

-Movies

-Handwarmers

-Toothbrushes and toothpaste

-Febreze

-Deodorant

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-Travel Size Board Games

-Pictures from home

-Crossword puzzles

-Hard candy

-Pens

-Crackers and other snacks

-Digital or disposable camera

Special Events

-A favorite article of your clothing, spritzed in perfume and sealed in a

plastic bag

-A collage of pictures of you together

-Party favors

-Cards

-Voice or video recordings of you

-For Easter, send him an Easter basket full of candy!

-Personalized placemat for Thanksgiving

-A small artificial tree and decorations for Christmas

-A stocking full of gifts

The ideas are endless, and each care package is a unique expression of your

love for each other. Think of things that he would really like and that would

brighten up his day. He will be very appreciative.

42



L et’s end with a few ideas to help you along your way to a

successful long-distance relationship.

1. When you are talking on the phone, smile as much as possible.

Research has proven that when you smile in a conversation, the person on

the other end can hear the difference in your voice. You may have to force

yourself to do it and it may not feel natural at first, but the other person

will feel the softness and kindness in your voice. There will, of course, be

times when this is not possible, such as heated or serious conversations.

Fortunately, these situations are the exception and not the rule. Smile!

2. Never allow your partner to take you for granted. What this means

is that if you find yourself consistently giving more than your partner is

giving, you must pull back. In this instance, I am primarily referring dating

relationships and not the legal commitment of marriage. Examples of being

taken advantage of include: saying they will call and not following through

and calling, not picking up the phone when you’ve set up a designated call

time, acting like they’re doing you a favor by having a conversation with

you, or becoming upset when you ask questions about what they’ve been

doing. In all of the above situations, you should pull back.

~ CHAPTER SEVEN ~

Simple and Powerful Suggestions

43



Now I’m not talking about a specific incident. I’m not talking about a

specific time your partner didn’t tell you all the details about what he or

she did. If you do this incident by incident, you’re being controlling. I’m

talking about a consistent pattern of secretive, rude, or indifferent behavior.

Pulling back may be tough, but it is a much better option than being

yelling or demanding.

3. When it comes to intentions, give them the benefit of the doubt. Even

if they say the wrong words or if their tone of voice isn’t what you want to

hear, you should make it a point to remind yourself of what their intentions

are in their heart, not what it feels like their intention is in the moment.

It’s the pattern that you should be more concerned with rather than the

individual incident. When you give him or her the benefit of the doubt,

your partner is more likely to take risks with you, because then there isn’t

the fear of saying something wrong to upset you, or forgetting to tell you

some detail. Remember, especially in a long distance relationship, trust is

one of the core ingredients.

When someone second-guesses another person’s intentions, it makes that

person feel like a child. This is hugely damaging to a romantic relationship.

Above all else, be careful about playing detective, trying to catch someone

in his or her words. While there may be a time and a place for this type

of behavior, if you’ve set an established pattern, you must be careful to

do this sparingly. If you have to do it often, then it’s time to reassess the

relationship.

I don’t mean that if the circumstances of your partner’s story don’t add up

that you should necessarily give him the benefit of the doubt. If he told you

44



he was going to call you at 7:00 pm and he doesn’t call at all, it would be

illogical to believe his excuse that a giant blizzard hit the city in the middle

of July. That would not be giving him the benefit of the doubt. Instead it

would simply be naïve.

4. Treat a long distance relationship like a marathon. A big part of

planning for a marathon has to do with how you take care of yourself. It

may seem like common sense to tell you to eat right, get enough sleep, and

exercise, but some people forget these things. Remember, how you take

care of yourself physically affects your mood. When your mood is depleted,

you’ll tend to make an emotional withdrawal from your partner. An

emotional withdrawal is where you ask for support or something physical

from them. When you take care of yourself, you will have less of a need to

make those withdrawals.

Don’t make emotional withdrawals haphazardly. Make sure you practice

basic self-discipline: get plenty of sleep, and take an inventory of yourself.

When you’re by yourself and you’re overwhelmed, what are you likely to

do? Do you tend to watch too much TV? Do you spend too much time

on the Internet? Do you isolate yourself? Do you hang out with negative

people? Be honest with yourself, and take extra precaution to avoid

behaviors that tend to weigh on you emotionally.

These four scenarios I outlined overviewed the techniques you just learned

to understand your man and also read his mind. Just doing this work

occasionally is enough to make a lasting impression on a man. These

kinds of impressions will not only give you power and insight, but they will

make him bond with you in a way that you probably never experienced

45



before. Working on a relationship, using the techniques outlined for you,

can certainly make your relationship more powerful. Not only will you

better understand your husband or boyfriend but also you can begin

to understand things about yourself and how you influence your own

relationship.

46



~BONUS~

Some couples could be together physically if both were willing to formulate

a plan to bridge the distance between them. Still, there are certain

circumstances labeled as the reasons for the separation. If you’re not

certain if your circumstances are truly beyond your control or his, consider

the following checklist:

1. Is the reason for your living apart work-related? Do both of you have

jobs that you cannot relocate from? I’m not asking what your preference is;

I’m asking if it’s not possible. Are you in a position where you would not be

able to find comparable work if either you moved near him or he moved

near you? An example of this would be if you have a job so niche-specific

that it could only exist in a specific geographic area. In most instances, the

answer is going to be “No.”

2. Are there family members that hinder the possibility of moving?

Does he have a dying or ill parent? Does he have children, small children

especially, that he cannot imagine leaving? Do you have small children and

leaving really is not an option? Is there no way that your children could

move with you, or his children with him?

3. Are there health reasons that prohibit either of you from moving?

There are some individuals whose respiratory issues prohibit them from

living in a humid area because it is hazardous to their health, for example.

We’re talking about catastrophic or extreme hardship if a move was

planned, not merely personal preferences.

47



If any of these apply to your situation then ask yourself this question - “Are

the reasons really non-negotiable?” If upon reflection you determine that

the reasons for your LDR are actually issues that can be resolved without

causing harm to either of you then it’s time to consider what to do....

If You’re Tired of WaitingThis section is only for couples where one person is willing to risk

losing their current relationship arraignment for the chance at having

something better in the future. As we’ve just described, there are some

instances where one person feels that he or she has waited long enough

and has decided that something must be done. (I realize that this amount

of time could vary depending on who you are.) In this situation, one

person doesn’t feel that his or her partner is making plans for them to live

together in the same town and they realize that if they continue to wait,

they’ll only become resentful.

It is under such

circumstances that one

individual needs to create

a sense of urgency in his

or her partner. Such a

relationship often has two

conflicting goals. One person

may not like the current

state of the relationship,

but is more comfortable in

maintaining the current state

www.relationshipheadquarters.com48




of the relationship instead of taking steps to live together in the same place.

The other partner usually feels more of a sense of longing, frustration,

and maybe even more intense feelings, to do something… anything! They

want the relationship to progress to the point where they’re both in the

same city. They feel fairly confident that they could either move themselves

or accommodate their partner moving closer to them. In this scenario,

something must be done other than merely maintaining the relationship,

because this will leave one partner feeling terribly frustrated. If you are that

person, then it’s time to create a sense of urgency.

Before you go forward, you must realize that when you create a sense

of urgency, you will be disrupting your relationship in its current form.

You can’t always be sure how your partner will respond when they feel

uncomfortable. When you create a sense of urgency, your partner will feel

as though he or she could lose you if some actions are not taken. If you’re

not willing to run that risk of losing them, then it’s likely your relationship

will continue in its current long distance status, perhaps indefinitely.

If your current situation is untenable and things absolutely must change,

then you’re ready to create this sense of urgency. I’m assuming up until

now that you have made your partner feel good, that they have felt good

enough that they liked seeing you, being with you, talking on the phone,

texting, and emailing. I’m assuming that you’re doing all the “feel good”

stuff. However, if making them feel good were all that was required to

advance the relationship, then they would have already begun making

plans to live closer to you. In other words, one of you would have already

moved to be with the other person. It may be hard to hear this, but merely

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making someone feel good often is not strong enough to close the gap in a

long distance relationship.

In addition, let’s go through a checklist of questions and take an inventory

of your relationship.

1. What do you want in your relationship? Take an inventory of your

relationship; be honest with yourself. Why are you two not together?

Why are you not living in the same place? What plans have been made to

remedy this situation?

2. How long have you been a couple? How long has this continued? Is

this something that has been in place for a couple of months, or less?

In that case, the relationship might not be old enough or have enough

established to really begin to make plans for you two to be together. Have

you been together over a year? If that’s the case, then the question I usually

pose to couples or individuals has to do with your age. If you and/ or your

partner are over the age of 30, then, in general, it doesn’t usually take a

couple more than six months of dating to make a determination of whether

this relationship has long-term potential.

Now, if you see each other only once a month for six months, we’re going

to stretch that number out. But if you see each other fairly regularly and

you converse on the phone or through emails often, then in the course of

six months I am going to assume that you’ve had disagreements and that

you two as a couple are able to work out those arguments. I’m going to

assume that he’s not only seeing you when you’re looking wonderful and

lovely, but that he’s also seeing you when you are tired, perhaps dejected,

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even overwhelmed. Because once he’s seen all of you, the good and the

bad, then there really isn’t anything more to discover after six months.

I advise people who are around 22 or 23 years old to wait longer. At that

age, they haven’t had enough life experiences to really know what things

are really important to them in a partner. Once you are over 30 years old,

you are much more likely to be settled into life, have a career, and know

what qualities you really want in a romantic relationship. There’s not going

to be as much that changes in a person’s personality over the age of 30.

Below the age of 22 and 23, your personality is still changing and evolving.

Often men at this age focus largely on making a career for themselves

rather than on a relationship. They become nervous and worried

about how they are actually going to make an income, and the idea of

supporting a wife or supporting children is oftentimes overwhelming

to them. If you’ve been in a relationship under six months, or if you’ve

been in a relationship longer than that and you haven’t worked through

disagreements, or you’ve seen each other rarely, then it may just need more

time. But if it’s been over six months, or you feel that there are not a lot of

new things to discover about one another, then you may be ready to create

the sense of urgency.

3. “Are you enabling?” In other words, are you allowing your partner to

have the best of both worlds? Does he or she get to have your undivided

attention on the phone? Does your partner know that you’ll be available to

see or meet them whenever they want? If so, do you expect your partner

to be just as accommodating? If not, then why? When you answer these

questions do any of them stand out to you? If your still not sure about what

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to do in your relationship then I have one final question I want you to ask

yourself: Am I keeping this relationship alive by simply giving more than

I’m getting?

4. Would you be willing to accommodate your partner’s reason for not

living in the same town? If your love had a dying relative he was very

close to or caring for, I am assuming you’d understand his need to stay and

wouldn’t pressure him to move. Now, would you be willing to wait for him

indefinitely?

If you’re ready to create a sense of urgency, then these are the two

ingredients:

1. You decide that the relationship must change for it to continue.

You’re ready to create this when you decide that your current relationship

is unsustainable for you. You may be full of resentment; you may feel that

you’re tired of giving and being patient. Regardless of whether you think

that’s mean or selfish, you’ve come to decide that while you don’t know

how much longer your partner is willing to take but you cannot give any

more of your time without a change.

2. You must be willing to risk losing your partner if those changes

do not occur. A common retort to this is, “But that’s giving him an

ultimatum. I don’t want to be someone that gives an ultimatum.” I want

to define for you what exactly an ultimatum is. There’s a huge difference

between irrational or disproportionate, versus issuing an ultimatum. Yet,

these two things are often confused. If man did not do exactly what his

girlfriend told him to do and showed up five minutes late, giving him an

www.relationshipheadquarters.com52




ultimatum that if he ever showed up late again you would break up with

him would be disproportionate and irrational.

On the other hand, if you’re dating someone who beats you or cheats on

you and you say, “If you ever strike me or cheat on me again, I will leave

you,” that, too, is an ultimatum and yet in that instance, the ultimatum

accurately reflects the degree of injury that your partner has caused. By

their very definition, all relationships have ultimatums built into them. A

relationship where there are no ultimatums is not a relationship, it’s simply

an arraignment of convenience. There may be passionate feelings, but there

is no intimacy. If you think that simply being nice enough and making

your partner feel good enough is going to change your relationship, you’re

wrong. Acting that way merely teaches the other person that you will

tolerate bad behavior.

In creating a sense of urgency, you’re partner must feel as though you will

leave the relationship if it remains in its current state. For most couples,

this simply means, “If you’re not going to marry me, then it’s time I left

this relationship.” To do this, you must determine that you are going to be

with someone wonderful, even if it’s not your current partner. Therefore,

you are unwilling to give your partner any more time to make a decision.

If you give this ultimatum it may feel scary, uncomfortable, and even mean

at times. However, creating this sense of urgency is more effective than

begging, pleading or groveling. Pleading does not work in a long distance

relationship. In fact, it tends to reinforce the reason that there’s distance.

When you plead, it creates doubt.. If you’ve decided that you’re ready for

this relationship to become more than what it is, then we’ll proceed.

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Creating a Sense of UrgencyLet’s begin with the most basic and obvious thing. If your partner says he

or she is not ready, and these reasons are not physically impossible, they

you will probably have to be the one to decide when to create a sense of

urgency. Please give up on the idea that if you could just do one more thing

to reassure them things would be different. After a certain amount of time

(usually months) there isn’t any more reassurance you can offer. We’ve

already established that you’re not going to do this unless you’ve dated

the other person for six months or that you’ve had enough interactions

that you are able to resolve conflict. As you begin to create a sense of

urgency, you’ve already established in your mind through careful reflection

that there isn’t much new to discover. You realize that it’s time that the

relationship either progresses forward or that it’s time to find someone else.

Here is an example to consider. If you have children, or you’ve ever

talked to anyone with children, you’ll understand what it means when

I say people that wait until they can afford to have children, never have

children. We’re not saying that there’s not some wisdom in preparing for

the financial responsibilities of providing for a child, but waiting until you

can comfortably afford it is a luxury that hardly any parents have. Similarly,

if your partner wants to wait until they are absolutely certain before they

begin taking steps for both of you to be living in the same area, then they

will likely be waiting forever. There is only so much certainty that you can

offer them and rather than trying to continually disprove their fears and

concerns, what they often need is for you to simply their choice for them.

Either move forward with our relationship or it’s time for me to leave.

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Before making the leap, do a quick checklist to determine whether the

relationship is progressing. If you’ve been together over six months and

you’re not engaged, that doesn’t mean you have to be engaged. If you feel

the relationship is progressing, then consider allowing it to continue. Does

your partner want to see you the same amount or more each month? Are

they talking about or taking steps toward creating a future with you? Are

their actions lining up with their words? Don’t focus so much on how hard

they’re trying or how much they really wished they could see you; focus

more on the things they do in spite of the obstacles.

If you do see progress, then allow the relationship to progress and focus

more on creating intimacy and strengthening your relationship. If you do

not see progress, then do not have a big formal speech. Do not get into a

debate. Instead monitor the amount of contact you have. How frequently

do you interact? Do you talk two times a day? Do you talk once every

four days? Once you have that pattern established, begin to decrease that

amount of interaction. At the same time, I want you to be positive and

upbeat if at all possible.

Your first goal is to make your partner realize that something is different.

For them to be able to truly hear you,

they first must feel something has

changed. The change will be subtle.

Remember, we said everything is

magnified over long distances. Even

a small change will be more powerful

than you realize. For example, try

Your first goal is to make your

partner realize that something is

different. For them to be able to

truly hear you, they first must feel

something has changed.

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missing one phone call because you were busy. Instead of talking for 20

minutes, tell them at the end of ten minutes you have to go. You’d love

to talk longer but something has come up and there’s an errand to run.

You have to prepare them for the serious talk you’re going to have later.

Eventually they’ll ask, “What’s wrong? Why are you distant?” Then I want

you to say this: “You know, I think I’m tired of doing this.”

Now, when you say this, don’t try and guess their reaction. They’re going

to be surprised, at least if you set it up correctly. They may say nothing, or

even follow up with a question. But regardless of what they say, if you take

these actions in the manner I’ve suggested, they will feel what you’ve said

and even more importantly, they will become curious.

It isn’t the words you say that have the biggest impact; it’s what you do

in the following weeks that will mean more. Your partner must believe

that you are dead serious. Your choice is between outlasting them or to

continue being accommodating.

If you want your partner to make a choice, then you cannot continue being

available in your long distance relationship. They may accuse you of being

selfish, or ask, “Why do you have to go ruin a good thing?” or state “I told

you, I’m committed to you.” If that’s the case, what they are doing is simply

trying to get the relationship back to where they want it to be. They want to

keep the relationship as it is, namely, convenient to them but inconvenient

to you.

I hope that this is not your relationship. In fact, most long distance

relationships don’t fall into this category. I can tell you from personal

experience that when two people want to be together, given enough time,

they will be together.

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~SUMMARY~

A ll this information might seem overwhelming. There’s so much

to consider just to have a relationship. Whatever happened to

simply meeting someone, falling in love, and living happily ever after? I’m

sure it doesn’t seem fair that it happens this way for some couples.

Let me share something with you that my father told me years ago

to emphasis a point. I had just completed graduate school and was

considering getting my PhD in counseling. I didn’t want to move again,

so my options were limited to 3 different schools in my area. The top 2

schools accepted 1 person for every 400 that applied. The third university

was much less prestigious, but it was one I could attend.

I was troubled because everyone I knew had gotten his or her PhD from a

university that I recognized and I felt as though I was settling. I remember

asking my father his opinion about how important the school I attended

was. His answer was both simple and powerful.

“Bobby, how many physicians do you know where they attended medical

school?”

Since my father is a medical doctor, you’d think I could at least tell you

where one or two of his friends got their degree, but I couldn’t. I shrugged

my shoulders as I said, “I don’t know where any doctor went to medical

school.”

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His response changed my entire outlook. “That’s right because no one cares

where you went to school, they only care how good a doctor you are.”

This applies to you as well. In time, you won’t care how much time you

were apart. You will only care about how good your relationship is. It’s the

quality of your love that will matter the most to you in the coming years.

I promise you that there are thousands of couples that see each other

every day, but are headed for a breakup. Time together is a good thing for

a couple, but it doesn’t guarantee success. Once you are together, it won’t

seem as important as it does now, I promise. I know it’s hard at times.

I remember how isolated it feels to have the person that you love living

hundreds of miles away. But the good news is that you can being building

a deeper love between you and your partner than you ever would have

imagined possible.

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SUGGESTED READING

Separated By Duty, United In Love

BY SHELLIE VANDEVOORDE

The 5 Love Languages

BY GARY CHAPMAN

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Bob Grant, LPCThe Relationship Doctor

Bob Grant is a bestselling author. Having appeared on

numerous radio programs over the years in addition

to being a member of the Savvy Miss Dating Team, he

is considered a Media Expert on relationships.

Bob currently resides in Atlanta, GA. He is married

to his beautiful wife, Stacey and is the proud father 4

wonderful children.

For more information, please visit Bob Grant at

www.relationshipheadquarters.com.

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Copyright © 2011 Bob Grant of the author....Facts About Long Distance Relationships Let me define exactly what I mean by the term Long Distance Relationship. A long-distance relationship