The Apprentice Witch

Scene 1a. The post office (Postmaster, Carrie 1, Charlie 1, Paul 1, Eglantine 1, no songs)

(Post Office. Sign says Post Office and also has paper sign tacked up that says,

“Children’s Evacuation Center. Postmaster is seated behind desk, looking at papers. Charlie 1 , Carrie 1, and Paul 2 enter, carrying suticases.)

Postmaster: Hello, what is your name?

Charlie 1: Rawlins, ma’am.

Postmaster: It’s so good that you are here. It is important to get all of you away from those terrible bombings in London. We will find you a nice place to stay until it is safe to go home. (Looking through her papers) Oh, yes. Here we are. Charlotte, Carrie, and Paul. You're for Miss Price. l'm expecting her in. You can wait over there.

(Eglantine 1 enters.)

Eglantine 1: Good morning, I need to pick up a package.

Postmaster: Yes, Miss Price. lt's in the office. Here we are. Hmmm, another object from Professor Emelius Browne in London.

Eglantine 1: Thank you.

Postmaster: ls it what you expected?

Eglantine 1: l imagine so.

Postmaster: He sent you a cat last time! How is Professor Browne?

Eglantine 1: l haven't the faintest idea. l don't know Professor Browne personally. Was there something else?

Postmaster: Yes. Would you come this way?

Eglantine 1: l'm very anxious to get home.

Postmaster: Come along, please.

(Carrie, Paul, and Charlie are running around, climbing on things, misbehaving. Postmaster and Eglantine look annoyed. Children stop playing and stand in a line in front of Eglantine.)

Postmaster: Children, this is Miss Price. This is Charlotte, Carrie and Paul Rawlins, all the way from London.

Eglantine 1: How do you do?

Carrie 1: How are you, miss?

Postmaster: Today we were sent 45 children And l've had to find homes for all of them at very short notice. These are the last three. All right, children. Pick up your things.

Eglantine 1: You're not suggesting l take these children into my house?

Postmaster: Exactly.

Eglantine 1: That's quite out of the question. Children and l don't get along.

Charlie 1: l'll believe you, miss. (turns to Carrie and Paul) Come on. Back to London.

Paul 1: Alright.

Postmaster: Be quiet.

Eglantine 1: Besides, l have important work to do.

Postmaster: Miss Price, you do have that entire house to yourself. You have no choice.

Eglantine 1 : l see. lf that is the case l shall take them into my house, with the understanding that you find another home as soon as possible. Fine. Come along.

(Eglantine 1 and Children exit. Postmaster exits.)

Scene 1b: Eglantine’s house. (Eglantine 1, Carrie 1, Paul 1, Charlie 1, Cosmic Creepers, no songs)

(Eglantine’s house. Cosmic Creepers is there. Eglantine 1 and Children 1 enter.)

Eglantine 1: Bring your things inside.

Carrie 1: It’s a bit murky, isn’t it?

Charlie 1: Yeah. Not another house round here for miles.

Eglantine 1: Wipe your feet.

Charlie 1: This is a big place. Who else lives here?

Eglantine 1: l live alone -it suits my purpose. All right, come along, everybody.

(Cosmic Creepers jumps out, scowling, startling Children.)

Carrie 1: Sorry, miss. The cat startled us.

Eglantine 1: No need for alarm. You just frightened him, that’s all

Charlie 1: (Sarcastically.) Yeah, he's scared to death. You can see that!

Paul 1: What do you call your cat?

Eglantine: l don't give animals silly names. l call him Cosmic Creepers because that's the name he came with. (Shows them to bedroom.) You will sleep in here. This was my father's bedroom. Be very careful of everything in it.

Carrie 1: All right, miss.

(While they are talking, Paul 2 takes bedknob and puts in in his pocket.)

Eglantine: (To Carrie) What was your name?

Carrie 1: Carrie, miss.

Eglantine 1: ls that all you brought?

Charlie 1: We aren’t exactly burdened down. We travel light, that's us.

Eglantine 1: l don't think this is going to work but it seems that l have no alternative.

Carrie 1: We'll do our best, miss. Really, we will.

Eglantine 1: Thank you, Carrie. Supper is at 6:00. You will wash...

Paul 1: Wash?

Eglantine 1: You will wash yourselves otherwise there will be no supper. ls that clear?

(Children go offstage and then return, sitting down.)

Charlie 1: (Whispering to others.) A house of horror. That's what we've come to. (More whispering to each other.)

Eglantine 1: Please don't bother to whisper. l'm exceptionally keen of hearing. You are planning to run back to London. Please do your plotting elsewhere where l shan't have to listen to it. (Putting down food.) l’m afraid I don't know much about what children eat. You'll have to make do as l do. ls there anything in particular that you like?

Paul 1: Sausage and mash, fried fish... Anything at all.

Eglantine 1: You won't find any fried foods in this house.

Charlie 1: No fried food?

Eglantine 1: No.

Charlie 1: How do you keep up your health?

Eglantine 1: Cabbage buds, rosehips, hyssop seed, elm bark, wattle yeast and stewed nettles.

(Children make faces but try to eat. All exit.)

Scene 1c: Learning to fly (Eglantine 1, Cosmic Creepers, Carrie 1, Paul 1, Charlie 1, SONG: A Step in the Right

Direction.)

(Outside. Eglantine 1 enters with Cosmic Creepers and her package, looking around to see if anyone is watching her. She opens letter with package and begins to read.)

Eglantine 1: (Holding letter up.) ''Dear Madam. With this shipment, the Emelius Browne College of Witchcraft sends you its congratulations on qualifying for the first degree of your chosen calling. You may now call yourself 'apprentice witch'.' Yours faithfully, Emelius Browne.''

(Unwraps broom)

My first broom! Let's see how we fly this thing. Here we are. (Reading) ''Clasp the broom with both hands.'' (She gets on top of it astride and looks at Cosmic Creepers, who shakes his head no.) Yes, of course. ''Never astride the broom.'' Oh, yes, of course. Take an easy, graceful sideways position.'' Of course, that's much better. An easy, graceful sideways position. There we are. How's that? (Cosmic Creepers nods.) ''To start up the broom, your basic formula: La kipo necriff scrumpet leech!''

(Broom jumps up, she falls off.)

l wasn't ready!

(Children 1 enter, not seeing Eglantine at first, sneaking away with suitcase.)

Charlie 1: Come on Paul. Come on Carrie. We're going back to London.

(They see Eglantine and crouch down hiding to watch her. )

Eglantine 1: (She goes back to reading paper.) “La kipo necriff scrumpet leech.” Now watch this. Here we go. La kipo necriff scrumpet leech. (Broom tries to go up and she tries to control it, falling off again. She sits astride and looks at Cosmic Creepers, who shakes her head.) All right. lt's going to be a little different this time. l know it's not ladylike. La kipo necriff scrumpet leech.

SONG: A Step in the Right Direction

After all, it's a step in the right direction It's a step in the right direction after all

After all, it's a step in the direction It's a step the right direction after all.

When a baby spider tries to trap a fly

Often times, the silken thread Will come awry

Though a tangled web is all that he can claim It's a step in the right direction all the same.

All the same, it's a step in the right direction It's a step in the right direction all the same All the same, it's a step in the right direction It's a step in the right direction all the same.

(Might cut this from here.) When a little sparrow wants to leave the nest

First he has to put his feathers to the test Tumbling from a treetop can't be called success but, it's a step in the right direction nonetheless.

Nonetheless, it's a step in the right direction It's a step in the right direction nonetheless. Nonetheless, it's a step in the right direction It's a step in the right direction nonetheless.

Paul 1: How does she do that?

Carrie 1: She's a witch.That's the sort of thing witches do.

Paul 1: Oh. (Eglantine crashes offstage. ) She doesn’t fly too good, does she?

Carrie 1: She's crashed!

Charlie 1: Now's our chance to go!

Carrie 1: Suppose she's hurt!

Charlie 1: Go on! You can't hurt a witch.

Carrie 1: Maybe we should stay.

Charlie 1: Maybe it’s an opportunity.

(They sneak back inside, exiting.)

Scene 2: Charlie 1 becomes a rabbit.

(Eglantine 1, Charlie 1, Carrie 1, Paul 1, Cosmic Creepers, cats, Cat Group scene- SONG: I’m Gonna Get You)

(Morning at breakfast table again.)

Eglantine 1: Bran porridge.

Charlie 1: Thank you, miss.

Eglantine 1: Very healthful, l'm sure!

Charlie 1: Lovely weather for flying last night.

Eglantine 1: Why did you say that, Charlotte?

Charlie 1: It’s no use pretending, Miss Price. We know what you are.

Eglantine 1: l see.

Charlie 1: Don't worry, Miss Price. No one's gonna tell on you.

Eglantine 1: Thank you. l should be most grateful if you didn't tell anyone.

Charlie 1: Course there would have to be one or two little changes made round here. And we would like some money.

Carrie 1: Charlie!

Charlie 1: You don't want us to tell the people in town, do you?

Eglantine 1: Have you considered what danger you might be in? l am a witch, you know.

Charlie 1: What will you do? Turn me into a toad?

Paul 1: Lovely. A toad with pink eyes!

Eglantine 1: l might just do that.

Charlie 1: Go on, then. l dare you.

Eglantine 1: Very well, Charlotte..

Carrie 1: You shouldn't have said that to her.

Charlie 1: She doesn't frighten me. She can't even ride a proper broom.

Eglantine 1: Excuse me, Charlotte. Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee. (Charlie turns into a rabbit.)

Carrie 1: Oh, Charlie!

Paul 1: That's better than a toad! That's a rabbit!

Eglantine 1: Bother! l never seem to be able to manage toads.

(Cosmic Creepers starts chasing Charlie .)

Carrie 1: Stop! Leave him alone! (To Eglantine) Don't let Charlie get hurt.

Eglantine 1: - Oh, not to worry, My spells don't last very long. l'm just an apprentice witch, you know.

(Lots of other cats enter.)

Carrie 1: Look out, Charlie!

SONG: I’m gonna catch you

I'm gonna catch you You'd better run

I'm gonna catch you Here I come

So I jumped Into Monday

And I had An ice cream sundae

But then I Turned around

And heard a sound And it said

I'm gonna catch you

You'd better run I'm gonna catch you

Here I come

So I jumped Into Tuesday

And I had myself A snooze-day

So then I

Turned around And heard a sound

And it said

I'm gonna catch you You'd better run

I'm gonna catch you Here I come

So I jumped

Into Wednesday And I had

A make-new-friends day And then I

Turned around And heard a sound

And it said

(2x): I'm gonna catch you

You'd better run I'm gonna catch you

Here I come (Charlie 1 becomes human again. All cats but Cosmic Creepers exit.)

Scene 3 - A traveling spell (Charlie 2, Carrie 2, Eglantine 2, Paul 2, no songs)

Charlie 2: (Chasing Cosmic Creepers, who runs away.) You! l'll teach you to do that to me!

Carrie 2: Leave Cosmic Creepers alone. It wasn’t her fault.

Eglantine 2: l'm afraid it's my fault. Bad enough not being able to manage a broom. l can't perform a simple, basic spell.

Carrie 2: You dared her to do it. l don't see why we can't all be friends.

Paul 2: Maybe she's not a wicked witch.

Eglantine 2: Of course l'm not!

Paul 2: See?

Eglantine 2: lf only l could trust you. You see, the work l'm doing is so important.

Paul 2: How do you mean?

Eglantine 2: l mean exceptionally important. Most secret.

Carrie 2: What do you say, Charlie 1? We can keep a secret.

Eglantine 2: And I could give you something as part of the deal. l wonder what l could give you. Would you settle for one of my spells?

Charlie 2: Bet that's not worth much.

Eglantine 2: Let me see. (Opens a cabinet or case or something and starts taking out notebooks and bottles and stuff.)

Paul 2: l like you better as a rabbit, Charlie.

Charlie 2: Hush, you.

Paul 2: Well, l never had a rabbit.

Eglantine 2: Careful what you touch in here. When l signed for my witchcraft course there was a free bonus, a marvelous traveling spell if you paid in advance. l think l'll give you that one.

Carrie 2: ls it valuable?

Eglantine 2: Certainly.

Carrie 2: Poisoned dragon's liver? You mean you poison the dragon or just the liver?

Eglantine 2: lt comes prepared. lt's part of the school equipment. Here we are. The traveling spell. Everybody gather round. All right now. Let's see. Does any one of you have a bracelet or a ring? Something that you can twist.

Carrie 2: No, Miss Price.

Eglantine 2: What about you, Paul?

Paul 2: I always carry a few things around. You never know when they might come in useful. (Starts taking things out of pockets) Here’s a piece of blue glass. And a lovely bit of string.

Carrie 2: What's that?

Paul 2: A bedknob from the bed upstairs.

Carrie 2: lt twists, doesn't it?

Paul 2: Yeah. it twisted right off.

Eglantine 2: Yes, l think that will be all right. Carrie, turn the light down a little bit, will you? Hellebore, henbane, aconite... glow-worm fire, firefly light! There. lsn't that pretty?

Paul 2: ls that all we get?

Eglantine 2: This knob will now work the famous traveling spell.

Carrie 2: And what's the famous traveling spell?

Paul 2: How does it work?

Eglantine 2: You take this knob and put it back on the bed upstairs. Then turn it smartly a quarter turn to the left then in a firm, clear voice, tell it where you want to go and the bed will take you there.

Charlie 2: Go on!

Carrie 2: Will it really?

Eglantine 2: Well, l see no reason to think otherwise.

Carrie 2: Thank you for the lovely gift.

Eglantine 2: Sorry, but it belongs to Paul. He's the only one who can work the spell.

Paul 2: Me?

Eglantine 2: Yes.

Paul 2: That's right. It is my knob, isn't it?

Eglantine 2: That's the way the spell works.

Charlie 2: A nice mess he'll make of things.

(Doorbell rings)

Eglantine 2: Oh, bother. Wait here. Don't try anything with the bedknob till l get back.

(Eglantine goes to wings and is handed a letter.)

Eglantine 2: (Returning and opening letter.) ''Dear Madam, it grieves me to inform you that we have been forced to close down our College of Witchcraft.'' ''This means that we shall not be sending you the final lesson in which you expressed so much interest.''

Paul 2: What's wrong?

Eglantine 2: l've had some very bad news.

Carrie 2: ls there anything we can do?

Eglantine 2: No. No, thank you... Yes. Yes, there is something that Paul can do.

Paul 2: Me?

Eglantine 2: I need the bedknob back. l must get to London.

Paul 2: No. l want to go to the jungle.

Eglantine 3: (Bending down to his level.) Come with me, Paul. Now, Paul. Ridiculous as it may seem to have to explain this to a six-year-old, l do need your help.

Paul 2: Go ahead.

Eglantine 2: l was expecting a very important spell in the mail from my teacher, Professor Emelius Browne, and it hasn't come.

Paul 2: What's that got to do with my knob?

Eglantine 2: l must go to London immediately and see Professor Browne so I can get this final important spell. That is why l need the knob. What is your decision? (Paul nods) Thank you, Paul.

Scene 4 - Preparing for a Trip (Eglantine 2, Charlie 2, Carrie 2, Paul 2, SONG: Age of Not Believing)

Eglantine 2: (Climbing on the bed.) Children are you ready? Please get on and hang on tight. The bed may travel quite fast.

Charlie 2: l'm not going. l'm staying right here.

Carrie 2: But why?

Charlie 2: All that rubbish about a traveling bed. lt won't work. That's why. How's a big bed like that gonna get out of this room with those little windows?

Eglantine 2: l don't know. There's a great many things about magic that l don't know. We'll just have to find out.

Charlie 2: Just leave me out of it. l don't want to make a fool of myself.

Carrie 2: What's come over you lately, Charlie? You're no fun any more.

Eglantine 2: How old is Charlotte?

Carrie 2: Eleven, going on twelve.

Eglantine 2: l see. That's what my father used to call the age of not believing.

Charlie 2: What's that supposed to be?

SONG: Age of Not Believing

(Eglantine) When you rush around in hopeless circles

Searching everywhere for something true

You're at the age of not believing When all the make-believe

is through

(Carrie 2, spoken) That's Charlie to a tee.

(sung) When you set aside your childhood heroes

And your dreams are lost upon a shelf

You're at the age of not believing And worst of all you doubt yourself

(Paul:) You're a castaway

where no one hears you On a barren isle in a lonely sea

Where did all the happy endings go? Where can all the good times be?

(Eglantine, Carrie, and Paul) You must face the age

of not believing Doubting everything you ever knew

Until at last you start believing There's something wonderful in you

Charlie 2: Lovely sentiment, l'm sure.

Eglantine 2: Are you ready, Paul? Repeat after me. Take us to Professor Emelius Browne...

Paul 2: Take us to Professor .... Emelius Browne...

Eglantine 2: Headmaster, Correspondence

Paul 2: Headmaster, Correspondence

Eglantine 2: College of Witchcraft, London.

Paul 2: College of Witchcraft, London.

Eglantine 2: When l say go, tap the knob three times and turn it a quarter turn to the left.

Paul 2: Left...

Eglantine 2: That's it. We'd better hold on tight. The behavior of the bed is something l'm not sure of. All right, Paul. Ready? Go.

Paul 2: One, two, three. (Turns knob)

(The bed shakes and Charlie jumps on, bed flies around, flying music - Instrumental Age of Not Believing bed goes offstage )

Scene 5 - London and Mr. Browne (Eglantine 2, Carrie 2, Paul 2, Charlie 2, Browne 2, SONG: Eglantine/Don’t Let Me

Down)

(London. Bed enters with Eglantine 2 and Children 2.)

Carrie 2: ls this London?

Eglantine 2: Yes, Charles, are you convinced yet?

Charlie 2: Not yet I’m not. l don't see any Professor Browne.

Eglantine 2: Neither do I in point of fact. ( Browne enters.)

Paul 2: Look!

Browne 2: (Putting down his bag and opening up his sign) Ladies and gentlemen, gather round, please. Please note the name: Professor Emelius Browne. l am here to divert, to amuse, and, yes, even to help you.

Eglantine 2: You are the headmaster of the Emelius Browne College of Witchcraft?

Browne 2: The late headmaster. The college, alas, is now defunct. And who, my dear are you?

Eglantine 2: Professor Browne, l am one of your pupils. l was shocked when you closed down the college without that most important last lesson.

Browne 2: (Closing his sign and starting to walk off) l'm sorry, my dear. No refunds. Look at your contract.

Eglantine 2: But l must have the spell that comes with the last lesson!

Browne 2: The matter is closed. l bid you good day. l have an appointment. (Walking quickly away)

Eglantine 2: The matter is not closed! Don't let him get away.

Charlie 2: Righto! (Children grab him.)

Browne 2: You get this child off my leg!

Eglantine 2: Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perigee. (Browne turns into a rabbit.) Now l trust you'll behave more like a gentleman.

(He hops around a bit and then turns back into human.)

Paul 2: There goes another rabbit.

Browne 2: What was all that about?

Eglantine 2: l changed you into a rabbit with one of your own spells.

Browne 2: My spell? From my school? They were just nonsense words from an old book.

Eglantine 2: They worked perfectly well for me.

Browne 2: They work for you? Good woman, some kind of destiny has brought us together!

Eglantine 2: You got these spells out of some old book, you say? l would like to see this book immediately. l must have that spell on substitutiary locomotion.

Browne 2: (Not listening to her.) Miss Price. Think how successful l could be with an assistant who can really do magic. Dear lady, have you ever considered entering show business?

Eglantine 2: - The what business?

Browne 2: The theatre! Village fairs, the seaside. Brighton, Blackpool, --

Eglantine 2: Mr. Browne, l have very important work to do.

Browne 2: Listen to me.

SONG: Eglantine

Let us strike a bargain You possess a gift

But I can speak the jargon That will give your gift

the needed lift You possess the know-how

And I command the show-how Oh, how successful you could be

With me

Eglantine 2: l'm afraid we're wasting valuable time.

Browne 2: What's your name?

Eglantine 2: Miss Price.

Browne 2: Your first name.

Eglantine 2: Eglantine.

(Browne 2) Eglantine, Eglantine, oh, how you'll shine Your lot and my lot

have got to combine Eglantine, Eglantine,

hark to the stars Destiny calls us, the future is ours

As the shine sells the boot and the blossoms the fruit All you need to succeed

in your plan Is the proper ally

upon whom to rely And I'm your man

For I have an acumen that's nigh-superhuman

I sell things that nobody can So I humbly suggest

you accept my behest I'm your man

Eglantine 2: (spoken) Will you stop?

(maybe Browne with Carrie and Paul:) Eglantine, Eglantine, oh, how you'll shine Your lot and my lot

have got to combine Eglantine, Eglantine,

hark to the stars Destiny calls us, the future is ours

SONG: Don’t Let Me Down

(Eglantine 2:) I enrolled in your Correspondence College of Witchcraft And I slaved at every lesson as it came.

But the spell I counted on, Is the lesson that is gone.

It's disappeared, and you're the one to blame!

Your suggestions are rash and your manner is brash and I've no time to waste, Mister Brown.

If I am to proceed, it's that book that I need. Don’t let me down!

Eglantine 2: Where is the book? Well? Where is it? (Browne gives it to her. ) At last, Mr Browne! ''The Spells of Astoroth.'' Of course. Here's the travelling spell. This is where you got it. Here we are! Substitutiary locomotion. ''The ancient art of...'' ''The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are...'' (looks through to end) But the rest of the book is missing!

Browne 2: Now you see why l closed down the college.

Eglantine 2: But where are the other pages? Where did you get this book?

Browne 2: I haven’t the foggiest!

Eglantine 2: Listen to me! --

Browne 2: I’m all ears.

Eglantine 2: You will be if you don’t answer me!

Browne 2: l bought it from a street market. There was a bit of unpleasantness. There was a sort of scuffle. The book tore. He got one half and l got the other.

Eglantine 2: But where's the other half now?

Browne 2: lt's probably been thrown away. But if it still exists, there's only one place to find it.

Eglantine 2: Where is that?

Browne 2: Come with me!

Scene 6 - Portobello Road (Eglantine, Carrie 1, Paul 2, Charlie 1, Browne, and all Portobello Road singers,

dancers, merchants, etc., SONG: Portobello Road.)

SONG: Portobello Rd.

Browne: Portobello Road Portobello Road

Street where the riches of ages are stowed

Merchants and Booksellers: Anything and everything a chap can unload

Is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road

You'll find what you want in the Portobello Road

Merchant 1: Rare alabaster Merchant 2: Genuine plaster

Merchant 3: A filigreed samovar owned by the tsars

Merchant 1: A pen used by Shelley Merchant 2: A new Botticelli!

Merchant 3: The snippers that clipped old King Edward's cigars

Merchant 4: Waterford crystal Merchant5: Napoleon's pistols

Merchant 6: Society heirlooms with genuine gems Merchant 4: Rembrandts, El Grecos,

Toulouse-Lautrecos Browne: Painted last week on the banks of the Thames

(Spoken) Eglantine 2: Very interesting, but where do they sell books?

Mr. Browne 2: There's a little place around the corner.

(sung) Carrie 2: Portobello Road, Portobello Road Street where

the riches of ages are stowed Paul 2: Anything and everything

a chap can unload Is sold off the barrow in Portobello Road

Merchants and Booksellers: You meet all your chums

in the Portobello Road Eglantine 2: What l want is the other half of this book. Browne 2: All in good time, my dear.

Bookseller 1: Burke's Peerage, The Bride Book, The Fishmonger's Guidebook

Bookseller 2: A Victorian novel, ''The Unwanted Son'' Bookseller 3: The History of Potting

The Yearbook of Yachting Bookseller 1: The leather-bound

''Life of Attila the Hun''

Merchants, Booksellers, Children, Eglantine, and Browne: Portobello Road, Portobello Road

Street where the riches of ages are stowed

Artefacts to glorify a regal abode Are hidden in the flotsam

in Portobello Road

solo 1: Tokens and treasures, yesterday's pleasures

Cheap imitations and heirlooms of old

solo 2: Dented and tarnished, scarred and unvarnished

In old Portobello oh Portobello Road.

Browne 2: There's another bookstore along here somewhere.

solo 3: Portobello Road, Portobello Road

Happy things are happening in Portobello Road

solo 4: You feel like a ballerina when you're hopping like a toad

When you kick your heels up down in Portobello Road

(dancing, until closing time) Merchant 1: (walking through) Closing time! (all exit except Eglantine, Browne, and Children)

Children, Eglantine, Browne: Portobello Road Portobello Road

Street where the riches of ages are stowed

Anything and everything a chap can unload...

(Swinburne enters, sneaking up behind others.) Swinburne: (Grabbing Browne) Hey you, the Bookman wants to see you now. You,

too.

Eglantine 2: Who is the Bookman? And what right has he got to order me about?

Browne 2: l think we'd better ask questions later.

Scene 7 - the Bookman’s (Bookman, Swinburne, Carrie 3, Paul 3, Eglantine 3, Browne 3, Charlie 3, no songs)

(they bring bed to Bookman’s)

Browne 3: Bookman, there's been bad blood between us long enough.

Bookman: (to Swinburne) Draw the curtains. Lock the door.

Eglantine 3: lsn't that the section of the manuscript we've been looking for?

Swinburne: Who are you?

Eglantine 3: Miss Eglantine Price.

Bookman: Miss Price, l've been looking for this other bit a long time. Mr Swinburne told me you were in the market making enquiries. And here we are. l don't mind saying, to see it all together at last... There isn't much l wouldn't do.

Swinburne: Or haven't done, for that matter. Right? (laughs)

Bookman: You'll close your mouth, Swinburne. ls that clear? lt's all like an exciting detective story or jigsaw puzzle, isn't it? We're both after the same spell. You have one clue, l have the other.

Eglantine 3: Yes, in that case, I think we should cooperate.

Bookman: l assume you're looking for the same thing l am. May l? This is quite a moment for both of us.

Swinburne: This is so exciting boss!

Bookman: “Substitutiary locomotion, the lost miracle of the ancients.'' And so on and so

forth. Here we are. ''The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are...”

Englantine: “...engraved on the star that was always worn by the sorcerer Astoroth.''

Bookman: But where are the words of the spell? l assumed they'd be in your half of the manuscript.

Eglantine 3: l thought they'd be in yours!

Bookman: Once again, a dead end. I’ll never know the secret.

Browne 3: Here’s a picture of the wizard Astoroth. And there's his star. Pity it's so small you can't read the writing.

Eglantine 3: But why are these animals in the picture?

Bookman: Towards the end of his life, Astoroth kept animals in cages in search for the spells that would make them more like humans. The legend is that finally the animals rebelled at the experiment, killed Astoroth and stole many of his powers, including the star with the spell on it. They found a ship, sailed away and were never heard of again. That’s how the story goes. However, some people say they have seen an island ruled by animals.

Eglantine 3: Where?

Bookman: There is, l regret to say, no such island. l looked for it in every chart. The lsle of Yockenthwaite does not exist.

Paul 3: lt does too! Got my own... (Charlie covers his mouth.)

Bookman: What is he trying to say?

Paul 3: Got my own book. There. Real pretty, isn't it?

Carrie 3: Hush, Paul.

Bookman: Let me see it.

Browne 3: You're not interested, Bookman. lt's just a children's book.

Bookman: Swinburne!

Swinburne: Give me the book, boy!

Paul 3: Not likely.

Swinburne: Hold still, you! (suddenly very nice) Give me the book and I’ll give you a toy! (mean again!) Give me that book!

Eglantine 3: Come along, Paul. lt's time to go.

Swinburne: Go? How, then? The door is locked. (E,B, and Children jump on bed.) You’re up to something, but I don’t know what!

Eglantine 3: All right, Paul.

Paul 3: Where to?

Eglantine 3: To the lsland of Yockenthwaite. l'm very curious about that place.

Paul 3: Good. Bed, take us to the lsland of Yockenthwaite.

Bookman: Enough of this nonsense! Get the book!

(fancy lights and magic music, bed moves around, goes offstage. Bookman and Swinburne exit.)

Scene 8 - The lagoon (Eglantine 3, Carrie 3, Paul, Charlie 3, Browne 3, Codfish, Flounder, all sea animals,

SONG: Beautiful Briny Sea)

Browne 3: My, this is a wet place. Lovely scenery though.

Carrie 3: Where are we?

Eglantine 3: Yockenthwaite, of course.

Charlie 3: l've never seen an island like this before.

Eglantine 3: l'm afraid we may have fallen into the lagoon.

Paul 3: That's right. Here we are on page three. Hey, Mr Codfish!

Codfish: Hello, young fellow! Welcome to Yockenthwaite Lagoon.

Charlie 3: Now l'm hearing things. Fish don't talk.

Flounder: Not too bright, is he?

Paul 3: He's my brother.

Codfish: Oh? Sorry.

Eglantine 3: Mr Codfish, where is the lsland of Yockenthwaite?

Codfish: You mean the land part? Oh, that.

Flounder: Straight up. You can't miss it.

Codfish: None of my business, of course, but l wouldn’t go there if l were you.

Flounder: There’s always some big trouble up there.

Carrie 3: Trouble?

Flounder: Yes, here in the lagoon we all get along just fine.

Codfish: But up there, the king, well, he tends to be an awful mood all the time...

Flounder: And makes the others not too happy either.

Eglantine 3: Trouble or not, we should be getting along. l wish to see who is in charge.

Codfish: What's the rush? Why don’t you stay and enjoy yourself for a bit?

Flounder: Yes, it’s very nice here.

Eglantine 3: Why, thank you, it is pleasant.

SONG: Beautiful briny sea

Browne: How pleasant, Bobbing along, Bobbing along

on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea What a chance to get a better peep At the plants and creatures of the deep

Flounder: We glide, far below the rolling tide (Codfish:) Serene, through the bubbly blue and green Carrie and Charlie: It's lovely bobbing along, Bobbing along

on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea Paul: What if the octopus, the flounder and the cod

Think we're rather odd? It's fun to promenade Kids: Bobbing along, singing a song

On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea Paul: (spoken) Look! All Fish: It's lovely bobbing along, Bobbing along

On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea What a chance to get a better peep At the plants, and creatures of the deep We glide, far below the rolling tide Serene, through the bubbly blue and green

(Instrumental break with dancing fish) Browne: How pleasant, Bobbing along, Bobbing along

on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea What a chance to get a better peep At the plants and creatures of the deep

Eglantine: It’s grand, when you’re dancing on the sand Browne: We sway, and we while away the day Flounder: It's lovely bobbing along, Bobbing along

Through the water where we get along swimmingly Kids: Far from the frenzy of the frantic world above

Here beneath the blue we’re relaxing and we love… All: Bobbing along, singing a song

On the bottom of the beautiful briny, Shimmery shiny Beautiful briny sea

Codfish: Bravo!

Flounder: Glad you stayed for a bit!

(Hook comes down and catches bed.)

Carrie 3: Help! Help!

Scene 9 - On the shore (Carrie 3, Paul 3, Charlie 3, Eglantine 3, Browne 3, Bear, King, King’s Assistant, no

songs)

Bear: This time l really caught a whopper! (Reeling his line with all his might) People! Oh, no! What scurvy luck.

Eglantine 3: My goodness!

Browne 3: l'll deal with this.

Bear: Don't you know that...

Browne 3: Good day, captain. l used to be a bit of a seafaring man myself. Many's the time l've shipped out of Portsmouth. Delighted to meet a fellow mariner.

Bear: Now stow it, mate. Can't you read reading? lt says... ''No peopling allowed.''

Browne 3: No peopling aloud? Ridiculous!

Eglantine 3: Don't antagonize him, Mr Browne.

Bear: That means l've got to throw you all back. That's what to do.

Paul 3: Wait it minute! lt says here that anybody can see the king. And that's the law.

Bear: Where does it say that?

Paul 3: Here in my book.

Bear: So it does. But if you people knew what was good for you, you'd get yourselves all throwed back. The king don't like people!

Eglantine 3: Nonetheless, we must see the king right away. Please lead the way.

Bear: But just don't say l didn't warn you. Follow me.

King: (lots of roaring from offstage) Get out of here!

King’s Assistant: Yes. What can l do for you?

Bear: l caught some people down at the sea lagoon. They want to see the king.

King’s Assistant: Really? Well, we can't be bothered with that sort of thing now, can we? (More roaring from king offstage)

Browne 3: l don't think I like this.

King’s Assistant: His Majesty is in a frightful rage.

Browne 3: Perhaps l can cheer him up.

King’s Assistant: No, no. You don't understand. As everyone knows, His Majesty is the world's greatest soccer player. But due to a technical problem, the Royal Cup match cannot take place today. And His Majesty had so set his heart on it! Throw these... creatures back into the sea.

Bear: Aye, aye, sir.

Browne 3: Just a moment! l can help!

King’s Assistant: Do you really think so? l'd be most grateful. Come this way, please.

Eglantine 3: Mr Browne, are you certain you'll be all right? (Browne 3 exits offstage with King’s Assistant.)

King: Now what?

Eglantine 3: Mr Browne is a very brave man.

Charlie 3: Do you think he's done for?

(King and Browne 3 enter.)

King: Do you think so? l can't tell you how l appreciate this. For some reason we have great difficulty finding referees round here. lf there is one thing we like, it's volunteers, eh, Birdy?

Carrie 3: What's he got round his neck?

Browne 3: What a magnificent... ornament, sire.

King: Ah, yes. Wouldn't be without it. Been in the family for years.

Carrie 3: The Star of Astoroth!

Scene 10 - The Soccer Match (Eglantine 3, Browne 3, Carrie 3, Paul 3, Charlie 3, King, all Land Animals, SONG:

Soccer Song)

King: Let the match begin!

Carrie 3: He's still wearing the star!

Commentator 1: The game is about to begin.

Commentator 2: We have some new spectators today! People!

Commentator 1: People? What are they doing here?

Commentator 2: Who knows, but the king must have let them stay, one is even the referee!

Commentator 1: That’s brave of him. It’s hard to referee the king’s soccer game!

Commentator 2: The king will get mad if he doesn’t enforce the right rules!

Commentator 1: And we all know the king makes up the rules as he goes along.

King: ROAR!!

Commentator 2: …Which is exactly how it should be!!

Commentator 1: Oh yes, the king is the best rule-maker and the best soccer player ever!!!

Browne 3: Right, Dirty Yellows, let's have a clean game. Right, True Blues, best foot forward.

Commentator 1: And there's the kick off... Commentator 2: (Blue player makes a shot) Nice shot by blue. Commentator 1: (Blue goalie catches the ball) Great save! and the king takes the ball. Commentator 2: Amazing shot by the King. Commentator 1: (pile on top of Browne) Oh no, a pile up in mid-field. Commentator 2: That referee is really taken a beating! Commentator 1: The ball is back in play and blue has possession. Commentator 2: (King runs down field with ball above head) An unusual play by the

king. King: Gooooal! Game over! I win! (All players cheer, then exit) Commentator 1: And that's the game. Commentator 2: The King wins again! King: Let me give you a hand. Browne 3: That's quite all right, Your Majesty. Thank you so much. Please, let me help

you put on your robe.

King: Why, yes. Thank you.

Browne 3: Can't have you catching cold, sire, can we? (Switching his star for whistle) l can't tell you when we've had such a good time. We'll carry your memory in our hearts for a long while. l think it's time to leave.

King: Must you go?

Browne 3: Must be dashing. Marvellous game. Lovely to see you. Goodbye.

Eglantine 3: Come along, children. Hurry up.

King’s Assistant: Oh, bu-bu, oh, uh, uh uh....

King: Stop gibbering! What's the matter with you?

King’s Assistant: Your Royal Star! They've stolen your Royal Star!

King: Don't be ridiculous. What do you think this is? (King’s Assistant grabs whistle and blows it. King starts roaring.) Why didn't you say so? (He runs after the bed)

Eglantine 3: At last the magic words. Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee. Hurry, Paul! The knob!

Scene 11 - Substitutiary Locomotion (Browne 3, Eglantine 3, Carrie 3, Paul 3, Charlie 3, SONG: Substitutiary Locomotion)

Browne 3: l think we could all do with a nice cup of tea.

Eglantine 3: No time. l've gone to a lot of trouble to find this spell. l'm going to try it immediately. Mr Browne, kindly let me have your shoes, please.

Browne 3: Fine.

Charlie 3: What are the shoes for?

Eglantine 3: Substitutiary locomotion is the art of causing inanimate objects to take on a life force of their own. l must have inanimate objects to experiment with.

Carrie 3: Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Eglantine 3: Stand back, everyone. l need plenty of room. l want you all to be absolutely quiet. Mr Browne, you have the Star of Astoroth, l believe.

Browne 3: Oh, yes. It’s in my nice clean hanky. (Looks but it has disappeared. All gasp!)

Eglantine 3: It’s all right, Mr. Browne. l should have realized that it would be impossible to take an object from one world into another. lf only l would have had the sense to remember the words on that star.

Paul 3: l know the words.

Carrie 3: Don't bother her. She's thinking.

Paul 3: l do know the words, Miss Price.

Carrie 3: How can you know the words when Miss Price doesn't?

Eglantine 3: If only I could have remembered those words.

Paul 3: Why won't someone ask me?

Charlie 3: Come off it, Paul. You can't remember those kind of words.

Paul 3: You mean like ''Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee''?

Eglantine 3: How do you know that?

Paul 3: Easy. Says so right here in my book.

Eglantine 3: You mean it was there in your book all the time?

Paul 3: Yeah. But nobody ever listens to me.

Eglantine 3: Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee.

Charlie 3: Nothing happened!

Eglantine 3: Am l doing something wrong?

Browne 3: Well, it does seem a bit old-fashioned. After all, we are in the 20th century.

Eglantine 3: What do you suggest?

Browne 3: lt needs rhythm. Music. Do you mind if l have a go?

Eglantine 3: Of course not.

Browne 3: Come on kids! We need all the help we can get.

Browne 3 and children: (Chant) Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee. (repeat)

SONG: Substituiary Locomotion

Eglantine: (with chanting) Substitutiary locomotion Mystic power that's far beyond the wildest notion It's so weird, so feared, yet wonderful to see Substitutiary locomotion come to me

Browne 3: Now! Try it again!

Eglantine: Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee. (shoes twitch, then dance)

All: (Chant) Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee (repeat)

Eglantine: I don't want locomotiary substitution Or remote intransecory convolution

Charlie: Only one precise solution is the key Substitutiary locomotion it must be

All: Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee.

(Instrumental verse – dancing with objects)

Carrie: Substitutiary locomotion Mystic power that's far beyond the wildest notion It's so weird, so feared, yet wonderful to see

All: Substitutiary locomotion come to me

Whole Cast: (come from sides and back with dancing objects/clothes)

(Chant) Treguna mekoides trecorum satis dee – x2

Whole Cast: Substitutiary locomotion Lovely substitutiary locomotion We've made substitutiary history With treguna mekoides and a little help from me Repeat verse Tag - With treguna mekoides and Trecorum satis dee!