Charlie Murphy Show

FOX SHORT-COMS COMEDY HOUR

THE CHARLIE MURPHY SHOW

Pilot

Written by

Lee Aronsohn & Charlie Murphy

Directed by

Gary Halvorson

Writers’ Draft 01/07/13

All rights reserved. Copyright © 2013 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. No portion of this script may be performed, published, reproduced, sold, or distributed by any means or quoted or published in any

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FOX SHORT-COMS COMEDY HOUR – Aronsohn/Murphy 01/07/13

CAST LIST CHARLIE ...................................... CHARLIE MURPHY RENE ................................................ LUENELL CARLOS ............................................ FREEZ LUV DENNIS .................................................. TBD MILO ASKIN .............................................. TBD VLAD ........................................... LARRY THOMAS MAN ..................................................... TBD

FOX SHORT-COMS COMEDY HOUR – Aronsohn/Murphy 01/07/13

SETS

INT. TAXICAB INT. RENE’S APARTMENT INT. DENNIS’ BEDROOM

SHORT RUNDOWN

COLD OPEN (D-1) (1) INT. TAXICAB - DAY (Charlie, Vlad, Man, Woman Extra)

ACT ONE, SCENE A (D-1) (7) INT. RENE’S APARTMENT - DAY (Charlie, Rene, Carlos, Extras)

ACT ONE, SCENE B (D-1) (11) INT. RENE’S APARTMENT – LATER AFTERNOON (A LITTLE LATER) (Charlie, Rene, Carlos, Dennis, Extras)

ACT ONE, SCENE C (D-1) (15) INT. DENNIS’ BEDROOM – LATER AFTERNOON (MINUTES LATER) (Charlie, Dennis)

ACT ONE, SCENE D (N-1) (19) INT. RENE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (LATER) (Charlie, Rene, Carlos, Dennis, Milo Askin)

COLD OPEN

INT. TAXICAB - DAY (D-1)(Charlie, Vlad, Man, Woman Extra)

THERE’S A COUPLE OF PASSENGERS - A MAN AND WOMAN, DRESSED WARMLY - IN THE BACK SEAT AS THE DRIVER - VLAD - PULLS OVER AND STOPS.

VLAD

(EAST EUROPEAN ACCENT) Here is Port of

Authority Terminal for the busses.

THE MAN HANDS VLAD A BILL.

MAN

Thanks.

HE AND THE WOMAN EXIT, THROUGH:

VLAD

(CALLING) Careful not to be slipping

on frozen urine!

AS HE PICKS UP A CLIPBOARD TO RECORD THE FARE, CHARLIE BOYKIN JUMPS IN THE BACK SEAT, SHIVERING. HE CARRIES A DUFFLE BAG AND HE’S NOT DRESSED VERY WARMLY AT ALL.

CHARLIE

Damn, it’s colder’n penguin ass out

there!

VLAD GLANCES IN THE REAR VIEW MIRROR; REACTS.

Fox Short-Coms Comedy Hour "Murphy Pilot" 1. Writers' Draft 1/7/13 C/O

VLAD

Oh, no. No no no no no.

CHARLIE

What?

VLAD

No more rides. Off duty.

CHARLIE

Oh, right. Black man gets in your

cab, suddenly you “off duty”. Quelle

coincidence.

VLAD

No more rides. Find other taxi.

CHARLIE

What other taxi? I been out there

thirty minutes, waving - they all

driving by like I’m a burning leper!

(PULLS OUT BILLS) Look, here’s the

fare. I just need to get to my

sister’s in Williamsburg.

VLAD

Not Harlem?

CHARLIE

Believe it or not we’re a

geographically diverse race. (THEN)

Come on, fool, I ain’t gonna rob you.

VLAD HESITATES; THEN:


VLAD

All right.

CHARLIE

Thank you.

VLAD

Pay first.

CHARLIE SIGHS, HANDS HIM SOME BILLS. VLAD PUTS THE CAB IN GEAR AND STARTS DRIVING. AFTER A BEAT:

VLAD (CONT’D)

So where you come from on bus?

CHARLIE

Otisville Correctional Facility. (OFF

VLAD’S LOOK) Prison, man. I just got

out of prison.

VLAD SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. CHARLIE LURCHES FORWARD, HIS HEAD BUMPING THE PARTITION.

VLAD

Get out of cab.

CHARLIE

No, hey man, it’s okay. I’m

rehabilitated.

VLAD

What means “re-hab-libitated?


CHARLIE

I’ve reformed. Paid my debt to

society, saw the error of my ways and

the parole board determined I’m no

longer a threat to anyone. (THEN) So

drive the damn cab.

VLAD DOESN’T MOVE. CHARLIE HANDS HIM ANOTHER BILL.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

Please.

VLAD TAKES THE BILL AND STARTS DRIVING AGAIN. A BEAT, THEN:

VLAD

Why you were in prison?

CHARLIE

I stole cars.

VLAD AGAIN SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. CHARLIE AGAIN LURCHES FORWARD, HIS HEAD BUMPING THE PARTITION.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

Yo, man, stop doing that! (RUBBING

HIS HEAD) Listen to me. Even if I was

still a car thief - and I’m not - I’d

be out stealing Ferraris and

Maseratis, not a dusty, funky, piss

yellow Camry. (THEN) Drive the damn

cab, man.

VLAD AGAIN STARTS TO DRIVE.

VLAD

So, you no more criminal.


CHARLIE

No more criminal. Word, the po-po

ain’t gonna have no reason to mess

with Charlie Boykin ever again.

VLAD

What means “po-po”?

CHARLIE

Police.

VLAD

You don’t like police?

CHARLIE

I don’t like police.

VLAD

You don’t talk to police?

CHARLIE

Never, ever again.

VLAD CONSIDERS THIS.

VLAD

You know, I think now you not gonna

rob me.

CHARLIE

True that.

VLAD PULLS OVER AND STOPS THE CAB.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

Aw man, what now?

VLAD TURNS TO HIM. HE HAS A SMALL PISTOL IN HIS HAND.


VLAD

I think maybe I rob you.

CHARLIE

(AS IT SINKS IN; TO HIMSELF) Mother

f --

SFX: CAR HORN

AND WE:

FADE OUT:


ACT ONE

SCENE A

INT. RENE’S APARTMENT - DAY (D-1)(Charlie, Rene, Carlos, Extras)

THIS IS A MODEST 3 BEDROOM APARTMENT IN A BROWNSTONE BUILDING. THERE’S AN ENTRANCE WAY WHICH LEADS TO A KITCHEN ON ONE SIDE AND A LIVING ROOM ON THE OTHER. BEDROOMS ARE DOWN A SHORT HALLWAY.

SFX: DOOR BUZZER

CROSSING TO THE DOOR IS RENE BOYKIN, CHARLIE’S SISTER. SHE’S A HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL, DRESSED AS YOU WOULD EXPECT.

SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL CHARLIE, ARMS WIDE OPEN AND A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.

CHARLIE

Your favorite brother’s home at last!

RENE

(DRYLY) And your favorite sister’s

just thrilled to her toes.

RENE TURNS FROM THE DOOR AND HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN.

CHARLIE

Okay, we’ll hug later.

HE PICKS UP HIS DUFFLEBAG AND, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM, FOLLOWS HER.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

I thought maybe you’d meet me at the

bus station.

RENE

I figured you got into prison all by

yourself, you could most likely manage

to get yourself back.

Fox Short-Coms Comedy Hour "Murphy Pilot" 7. Writers' Draft 1/7/13 I/A

CHARLIE

Damn, Rene. You still cold.

RENE

Damn, Charlie. You still Charlie.

CHARLIE

(LOOKS AROUND) Where’s Dennis?

RENE

Don’t know. He should’ve been home by

now.

CHARLIE

So you don’t know where my boy’s at?

RENE

Look, you didn’t want me to tell him

you were getting out today, right?

CHARLIE

I wanted to surprise him.

RENE

Well, he’s not here. Surprise!

CHARLIE

You’re supposed to be his guardian.

RENE

That’s right. Because his mama died

and then his father got his dumb ass

sent to prison for five years.


CHARLIE

Okay, you’re right, I’m sorry. Look,

I know it’s been tough on both of you,

and I’ll never be able to thank you

enough for stepping up.

RENE

Damn straight you’ll never be able to

thank me enough.

SHE CROSSES TO THE LIVING ROOM DURING:

RENE (CONT’D)

But I intend to make sure you continue

to put forth the effort.

CHARLIE

(FOLLOWING HER; MOCKING) “Continue to

put forth the effort”. What, cause

you a school principal now you gotta

talk like Mary Poppins?

AS THEY ENTER THE LIVING ROOM, A BUNCH OF CHARLIE’S OLD FRIENDS - INCLUDING CARLOS - JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND FURNITURE AND UNFURL A ‘WELCOME BACK CHARLIE’ BANNER.

PARTYGOERS

SURPRISE!!

CHARLIE JUMPS, STARTLED, AND IMMEDIATELY GOES INTO A DEFENSIVE CROUCH.

CHARLIE

Whoa! Don’t be jumping at a man who

just got out of prison!


CARLOS

Welcome home, brother!

CHARLIE, RELAXING, STRAIGHTENS UP AND STARTS GREETING PEOPLE.

CHARLIE

Yo, Carlos! My man! Raheem! What

up?

THE PARTYGOERS AD-LIB RESPONSES.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

(TO RENE) I knew you still loved me.

RENE

(COVERING) What, you think this was my

idea? (THEN, GOING ‘STREET’ ON HIM)

And little brother, if you ever call

me “Mary Poppins” again, I’ma give you

a whole new ‘preciation of “Bedknobs

and Broomsticks”.

SHE CAN’T HELP BUT SMILE AT HIM, THOUGH, AS WE:

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. RENE’S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON (A LITTLE LATER) (D-1)(Charlie, Rene, Carlos, Dennis, Extras)

SFX: PARTY MUSIC

THE ‘WELCOME HOME PARTY’ CONTINUES. CHARLIE SITS ON THE COUCH TALKING WITH CARLOS.

CARLOS

(TOASTING HIM WITH A BEER) Five years,

man! A full nickle.

CHARLIE

Just glad to be out.

CARLOS

For sure for sure. (DRINKS; THEN) And

on the real for real, I appreciate you

not droppin’ dime on me.

CHARLIE

I couldn’t do that, brother. You in

jail? Bad news. Chubby boys tend to

turn into chubby girls, know what I’m

sayin’?

CARLOS

Oh yeah, I’m way too pretty for

prison. (DRINKS; THEN) So, what about

you?

CHARLIE

What about me?

Fox Short-Coms Comedy Hour "Murphy Pilot" 11. Writers' Draft 1/7/13 I/B

CARLOS

Did they, you know, get to your booty?

CHARLIE

Man, why you even ask me something

like that?

CARLOS

Man, why are you avoiding the

question?

CHARLIE

Okay Carlos, I’ma tell you the

truth...

CARLOS LEANS IN TO HEAR.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

I ain’t no snitch, and I was nobody’s

bitch.

CARLOS

Okay, then. (DRINKS; THEN) So what’s

the plan?

CHARLIE

What do you mean?

CARLOS

I mean, I been five years sorting

trash down at that lame ass recycling

plant for chump change. Now you out,

it’s time to get paid! Carlos and

Charlie, together again! Mamas, hide

your Porsche, Mamas hide your Benz!


(MORE)

We gonna take your rides, so the party

never ends!

CHARLIE

Uh uh. I’m done with the life.

CARLOS

Say word?

CHARLIE

Word. I’ma get me a legitimate

profession.

CARLOS

Like what?

CHARLIE

I don’t know. But I’ma re-pioritize

my life and explore my options.

CARLOS

(NOT REALLY COMPREHENDING) Okay...

(THEN) You want me hook you up down at

the plant?

CHARLIE

And end up smelling like you? Negro,

please.

ANGLE: UNSEEN BY CHARLIE, THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND DENNIS ENTERS. RENE NOTICES AND CROSSES TO HIM.

RENE

(TO DENNIS) Well, look who decided to

finally come home. I have a surprise

for you.


CARLOS (CONT'D)

DENNIS

(INTERRUPTING) I’m on my grind,

Auntie.

RENE

Your what?

DENNIS

My grind. My grizzly.

RENE

What is that? Are you out there

having sex with bears?

DENNIS

Nah, I’m just handlin’ my bidness.

RENE

Dennis, you’re thirteen. Your

“business” is letting me know where

you are and what you’re doing.

DENNIS

Yo, whatever.

IGNORING THE PARTY IN THE LIVING ROOM, HE CROSSES DOWN THE HALL TO HIS ROOM.

ANGLE: CHARLIE NOTICES DENNIS WALKING AWAY.

CHARLIE

(CALLING) Dennis?

BUT DENNIS DOESN’T HEAR HIM OVER THE MUSIC AND EXITS. CHARLIE RISES AND EXCHANGES A LOOK WITH RENE, AS WE:

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE C

INT. DENNIS’ BEDROOM - LATE AFTERNOON (MINUTES LATER) (D-1)(Charlie, Dennis)

DENNIS IS LYING ON HIS BED, LISTENING TO MUSIC WITH HEADPHONES, AND COUNTING A HANDFUL OF SMALL BILLS.

DENNIS

(SINGING TO HIMSELF) “Racks on racks

on racks, racks on racks on racks...”

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, WHICH DENNIS DOESN’T HEAR. THEN THE DOOR OPENS AND CHARLIE ENTERS.

DENNIS LOOKS UP, DOES A DOUBLE TAKE. FOR A MOMENT HE’S ECSTATIC TO SEE HIS DAD.

DENNIS (CONT’D)

(REMOVING HEADPHONES) Dad?!

HE JUMPS UP FROM THE BED AND THEY HUG. WE CAN SEE HOW MUCH THEY MISSED EACH OTHER.

DENNIS (CONT’D)

When’d you get out?

CHARLIE

This morning. (PULLING BACK AND

LOOKING AT HIM) When’d you get so big?

DENNIS

Last Tuesday.

CHARLIE LAUGHS.

CHARLIE

I really missed you, boy.

HE GOES TO HUG DENNIS AGAIN, BUT DENNIS STEPS BACK, TRYING TO RECOVER HIS “COOL”.

Fox Short-Coms Comedy Hour "Murphy Pilot" 15. Writers' Draft 1/7/13 I/C

DENNIS

Yeah, I missed you too.

HE TURNS BACK TO THE BED AND STARTS PICKING UP HIS MONEY.

CHARLIE

That’s some knot you got there.

DENNIS

Thanks.

CHARLIE

Where’d you get it?

DENNIS

School, mostly.

A BEAT.

CHARLIE

Please tell me you’re a tutor in your

spare time.

DENNIS

Yeah, right.

CHARLIE

So, what - you’re stealing?

DENNIS

Hell, no.

CHARLIE

Then what?

DENNIS

I put money out in the hallways, it

comes back plus fifty percent a day.


CHARLIE

You’re a loan shark?!

DENNIS

I prefer “debt consolidator”.

CHARLIE

I prefer “dumb-ass kid”. Lemme ask

you something. What do you do if they

don’t pay on time?

DENNIS

Never happens.

CHARLIE

Why not?

DENNIS

Everybody knows I’m your son and

you’re a prison G.

CHARLIE

And you think that’s cool

DENNIS

Hell yeah. Nobody else in class got a

parent who’s done time, except Jamal

Curtis’ mom -- and that was only a few

months for whoring.

CHARLIE

Okay, sit down. Let me tell you a few

things about prison. First of all, you

and your friends are laboring under a

misconception. Prison ain’t cool.


(MORE)

Prison is a cage. And inside the cage

are animals. You know the way you

wear your pants, down there like that?

That’s prison fashion. And you know

what it means? It means you got raped,

and they took your belt so you

wouldn’t hang yourself. Now, I can

talk about these things freely and

openly because I was lucky. I went to

prison and I didn’t get raped. You’re

gonna meet people in your life that’ve

been in prison and they won’t talk

about it at all. Now you know why.

A BEAT. DENNIS SLOWLY STANDS AND PULLS UP HIS PANTS.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

That’s my boy.

DISSOLVE TO:


CHARLIE (CONT'D)

ACT ONE

SCENE D

INT. RENE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT (LATER) (N-1)(Charlie, Rene, Carlos, Dennis, Milo Askin)

THE PARTY’S OVER. CHARLIE AND CARLOS SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE DRINKING BEER AS RENE ENTERS.

RENE

Sweet Jesus, I thought your friends

would never leave... (SEES CARLOS) And

oh goody, one of them didn’t.

CARLOS

Love you too, Rene.

CHARLIE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

CHARLIE

Man, I can’t wait for that Dim Sum to

get here. I ain't had Chinese in a

long time. Closest I got in prison

was Top Ramen noodles and I got that

from a Mexican.

DENNIS CROSSES BY, DRESSED TO GO OUT.

DENNIS

K, I’m out.

RENE

Out where?

DENNIS

Out out, that’s where.

RENE

You listen to me, young man --

Fox Short-Coms Comedy Hour "Murphy Pilot" 19. Writers' Draft 1/7/13 I/D

CHARLIE

(TO RENE) Yo, I got this.

HE GETS UP AND CROSSES TO DENNIS.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

Look, I know what’s up. You wanna go

hang with your boys, do your thing.

You don’t need anybody all up in your

grill running the third degree.

DENNIS

Right.

CHARLIE

You go ahead. Have a time with your

peeps.

DENNIS

Thanks, Dad.

CHARLIE

No problem, son. But if you’re not

back here by nine thirty, I’ma track

you down and break your legs. Feel

me?

DENNIS

Yeah. I feel you.

CHARLIE

Good. And no more sharking. Peace

out.

HE PATS DENNIS ON THE BACK AND SENDS HIM ON HIS WAY. DENNIS EXITS.


RENE

Physical threats. Wonderful.

CHARLIE

Rene, if there’s one thing I learned

in prison, it’s that physical threats

can be a remarkably effective

persuasive strategy.

SFX: DOOR BUZZER

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

And that’s my dim sum!

CHARLIE GETS UP AND CROSSES TO THE FRONT DOOR DURING:

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

Yeah, we had a saying in my cell

block: “Leg-breaking talks, pretty-

please walks”.

CHARLIE OPENS THE DOOR, REVEALING PAROLE OFFICER MILO ASKIN.

ASKIN

Hello, Charlie.

CHARLIE

Officer Askin, how’re you doing?

WITHOUT BEING ASKED, ASKIN ENTERS.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

Of course, c’mon in.

RENE AND CARLOS HAVE FOLLOWED CHARLIE TO SEE WHO’S AT THE DOOR.


CHARLIE (CONT’D)

Renee, Carlos, this is my parole

officer, Milo Askin.

ASKIN

Don’t think of me as a parole officer,

Charlie. Think of me as a big

brother. A father figure. The driver

of the chariot that’s going to cart

your sorry ass back to jail the minute

you screw up.

CHARLIE

I’m touched by your faith in me.

RENE

(TO ASKIN) Don’t you worry, sir, I’m

going to make sure he stays out of

trouble.

ASKIN

(TO RENE) I hope so, because under the

terms of his parole he’s your

responsibility. (TO CHARLIE) You need

to be sleeping here every night. If I

check and you’re not, you go back to

jail. You need to call me twice a

week. If you don’t, back to jail. I

can bring you in for a drug test

whenever I want. If you flunk, back

to jail.


(MORE)

Associate with known felons, back to

jail. Get so much as a traffic

ticket, back to jail. Any questions?

CARLOS RAISES HIS HAND.

CARLOS

Yeah. Is your name really “Ass Skin”?

CHARLIE SHOOTS HIM A “SHUT UP” LOOK.

ASKIN

(TO CHARLIE) And oh yeah, you need to

have a legitimate job within twenty

days. If you don’t --

CHARLIE

I know. Back to the Butt-love

Bungalow. (LEADING HIM BACK TO THE

DOOR) Thanks for stopping by.

ASKIN

Don’t thank me. It’s my job to keep

tabs on dirtbags like you.

CHARLIE

I understand. I look forward to

giving you lots of clean pee-pee.

ASKIN

And I look forward to putting that

wise-ass smile back behind bars, where

it belongs. (TO RENE) Good night,

ma’am.


ASKIN (CONT'D)

HE EXITS. A BEAT.

RENE

That is one desperately-needs-to-get-

laid white man.

CARLOS

Word.

CHARLIE

Yeah...

HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND CARLOS AND WALKS HIM DOWN THE HALL.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

So Carlos, tell me more about that

recycling job.

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW


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