CARDS, SHOES & CAKE(Resilient)-A MEMOIR

“I Always Wanted to Learn How to Play Poker” the right way, not my way!While I was in the world, with worldly ways I was doing me walking in 4" heels with a hunch back dictating my days. At times I played myself like a deck of cards, forgetting who Thee KING was; trying to be a Queen. Then through adversity I had to learn to stand up straight in 2 1/2" heels; realizing that if I had just stayed true to my Full House I would have seen my Royal Flush right in front of me. But I cheated with the Joker risking my Straight Flush; but by grace, the Dealer dealt me a High Card."

"Do not play the game if your chips aren’t stacked right. Make sure you can dance in your shoes while enjoying vanilla cake

and you’re ready to sit at the King's table."

By Moneira Hawkins

© Copyright 2009

Chapter FourGRADUATION SPADES

(My Turn to Play)

Graduation was slowly approaching I was so excited; we were taking our final exams in school.

People were walking on eggshells, sweating while waiting for grades listening to all the gossip to

see who was walking across the stage who had summer school and who just failed the twelfth

grade having to repeat it all over. There were quite a few of my classmates pregnant at that time it

was like a mini baby boom within the class of ’88. We received our yearbooks so everyone was

collecting signatures and looking at the pictures I did not think I had made any part of the

yearbook except for where my picture was suppose to be. This day we were in science class and

someone yelled “Moneira you did get voted for something”. I was voted most loquacious, after

asking what that was I was told most talkative. I didn’t know if I should be happy for at least

making the VIP list or embarrassed for always running my damn mouth.

A month later, I had gotten my permit through driver’s education class but not my license yet.

After the class day ceremony, which is for the entire class, however only selected students receive

awards, honors and recognition. Again to my surprise I received a typing award for speed and an

English award, I really was surprised. Afterwards we went out to eat and that night we wanted to

go back out, but no one had a car so after my mom was asleep I got the keys out of her jacket

pocket and I took her car. We road around the city for a little while, making pit stops here and

there, came home and parked like nothing ever happened. I would do this every now and then

until my mom started checking her gas and mileage then I got caught. One night one of our

neighbors had company they parked in my mom’s parking spot that I removed the car from. I

could not find the owner, so the next morning I told her that the police were out there with a

drunk driver and I moved the car so it would be out of danger, thank God for love, because she

looked at me with the “Yeah right”, do it again I’m gonna beat your **&^% ass look on her face.

Occasionally on the weekends I would stay the night over J-Benz house to have access to certain

parties because my mom did not play going to any parties or staying out after a certain time. But

J-Benz had older sisters and brothers so her mom would allow her to stay out a little later. We

got summer jobs, we were paid bi-weekly after I deposited into my savings account, we bought a

new outfit to go out in and at night we caught the train to Philly to the club After Midnight it

opened at 10pm but didn’t jump until after midnight. We would be there until about four or five

the next morning, fall asleep at the train station then catch the first train home around 6:00 a.m. in

the morning. Then on some weekends when it was nice we would walk from my house to Chester

High School; along the way stopping to get us a few 40 ounce bottles of Colt 45 and Olde

English, we would then park ourselves on the front steps of the high school and drink beer,

laughing and joking while watching the cars ride by.

Then we’d walk all the way home feeling good. Ain’t that something, I cried because I had to

walk to school in the mornings, but did not mind walking in the evenings the same distance to

have fun..…go figure. As graduation approached my mom was making plans for me, as me and

my girls were making plans for us. The limo came to pick me up, Nyesha and Katel who ever

else could fit hopped in as well and we were on our way to graduation. When we got there my

stomach was full of butterflies, Nyesha started crying as we lined up to go into the center. You

know I was cool for that, I was like “what are yawl crying for?” we are graduating high school

not going into the military.

The ceremony took place it was very nice, but super hot in the building with no air conditioning;

we were suppose to be dressed up under our gowns; boys in dress pants, dress shirts and a tie;

girls in dresses and shoes according to the guidance counselor’s dress code. Well I felt as though

what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her and after hearing stories from preceding classes who

already took the walk of graduation, they stressed how hot it gets in that center. I wore a two-

piece bathing suit, knee-highs and shoes she never knew, everyone else had on hot dresses, and

although they looked cute they were sweaty as hell. Once the final speeches and benediction to

the Class of 2008 were given, we tossed our hats and hugged one another. After all the hugs and

kisses we met our families outside and to my surprise my biological father (Michael) made an

appearance he brought me some damn flowers, I looked at him like thanks buddy but “where’s

the damn car”, where’s the damn check, negro where have you been!! I was like “dude you could

have kept the damn flowers!” He said a few words, we took a few photos but I wasn’t trying to

hear anything he said because I knew he was going to do a disappearing act. Nyesha said, “you

are so ignorant, he’s talking and you’re not listening”, I was like “whatever”. Of course my

mom, my dad and grandmother were there with love and love gifts, now I was happy to see them.

The rest of my family was waiting at my house, because of limited tickets they could not attend.

Our limo driver pulled up after we took pictures; as we were getting in the limo I began to cry

everyone turned, looked at me and mildly yelled “What are you crying for, you only graduated

high school!” I told them to shut the hell up and just get in the car.

On the ride home we did the traditional Chester High graduation festivity of honking your horn,

hanging out the window to salute folks while riding around the city acknowledging you just

graduated. We arrived at my house where my family was; we had already made plans with the

entire crew from junior high school until now to meet up after graduation for a party. My girls

went home to do the family thing, we met back up at my house all ready to go; as the driver turns

the key to start the car it will not start; it was trying to turn over sounding like it was choking.

OKAY, I yell for my mom, I am mad and crying while Nyesha is laughing and Katel is sitting

there looking like damn it, not tonight. I go in the house after fussing and cussing the driver out,

as he’s trying to apologize he asks if he could call for another car only it would take a while and

we didn’t have time to be wasting we just graduated we were trying to celebrate. I told him no, he

assured me that he or his company owes me a free night. My mom was real reluctant in giving

me her car she made me promise to be safe she ran the rules down about 20-25 times. We went

to the party it was nice, it was fun to see everyone there having a good time but it got boring so

we left and toured the city to see what else was going on; after much of nothing we parked in

front of my house and walked two blocks down the hot spot of West Third Street where all the

happenings go on after the bars close. Someone went in Jiffy’s to get us some beer we were

having a good time, everyone was hanging out some people were still riding honking there horns

after all the fun was done we walked home about three thirty that morning and went to bed.

No one was immediately going to college or had a job so hanging out is what we did every night

until something came along. I would chill in the house during the day talking on the phone,

doing my chores waiting for the sun to go down to meet up with the girls to take our nightly walk.

We would stop and pick up one another on the way. Then after a month or so we entered the

real world of either beginning college or starting a job. Nyesha and I began a secretarial course

then at night we would meet up and go down Third to hang out. There was this man that would

catch my eye every night, he would ride by flaunting his Maserati he was a well known upscale

hustler, he had five cars, four houses, two wives, apartments and a store; him and his family all

were dealing.

But he had this Maserati and Mercedes Benz that just kept catching my eye, I told my girl Shelby

I want to ride in his car and next thing I knew she hooked it up. He was 20 years my senior my

mom and dad’s age, they knew him very well and if they were to find out I even thought about

him I knew it wouldn’t be pretty, let alone me seeing him. I was seeing him for a while it was

fun hanging with him and traveling, I was at the mall like every other day, or either up Philly on

jeweler’s row shopping or over Atlantic City at the Gucci store or other designer boutiques or in

the hotels eating and gambling, he knew folks to get me through. It was nice while it lasted then

word started to get out and it got back to my mom, when she came home from work one day she

asked me if I was seeing MG I denied it to the fullest I was so scared she then said in a calm

voice “If I find out your feeding me a lie I am going to hurt you and kill him, it’s just that

simple”. She then sat down on the couch, fired up a cigarette and got on the phone about thirty

minutes later she left out, and said, “I’ll be back.”

MG called me on my pager, when I called him back he was scared as hell, he said “Yo your mom

just left from up here at the car wash with a gun in her purse” she made it visible so I could see.

She told me if she finds out I am seeing you she’s not only going to blow my head off but she’ll

have the narcs (Narcotic Squad) on my ass then she said she is going to tell your pop and I can’t

have that; I do not want any trouble we mutually decided to take a break and chill out that was the

end of that.

Like I said it was fun while it lasted…………

Fresh out of high school,

oh you think your grown;

dating men old enough to be your father;

but not ready to live on your own.

So what, he bought you the finer things

So what! He showered you with diamonds and gold

but you know it was wrong to do,

because girlfriend he was too damn old for you.

I know you like posh that and this

and if you asked your parents,

they would say “Oh you have to get a job Miss.”

Listen young ladies,

finish school, complete college and get your degree

And you can buy your own posh.

You accepted the gifts because they were free

but was it with no strings attached;

or did it come with a fee?

Things had calm down and it was time to get a job, I was working at ACME Markets part-time

while attending school. It was time for me to take my drivers license test, Ronisa took me and let

me use her car, I passed and I was official to drive my mom’s car now, but she still wasn’t trying

to give up the car.

We were still hanging down third street every night, but on this one particular night we were out

riding around, we see the four girls from Delaware that Alicia was having beef with, I parked on

the side of the A-Plus food mart we got out the car and started walking towards them. Two of the

girls were sitting in the car and two were in the A-Plus we went over to their car, tapped on the

window, when one of the girls looked up she was scared and locked the doors, I banged on the

window and told her “you gotta come out sooner or later”. We then went into the store, Alicia

banged the girl Feather in the face, the other girl ran behind the counter, Nyesha and I dragged

her from behind the counter out the store, the owner pushed Alicia out the store, locked the door

with the other girl inside and called the police.

The two that were in the car had gotten out, to look and got back in leaving one of the doors open;

Nija and Alicia opened the door and pulled the other two out, and started fighting them. I took the

keys to their car so they couldn’t go anywhere; we took one of their pocketbooks,

I told her we got your house keys and you’re ID, you tell on us we’re coming to Delaware and

kick your ass. We pulled off and about three blocks down the street, here comes the cops so I

pulled over, it was two cars that blocked us in. Two officers got out one male, one female they

directed us to get out the car with our hands up and sit on the sidewalk. Another police car came

down the street with two of the girls in it to ID us, I gave her the look, she turned her head and

said it wasn’t us, but then here comes another police car with one of the store owners and he said

it was us. I was like “shit” we’re going to jail. I saw someone that knew me and told them to go

tell my mom what happened so she can get her car. When the police found out who I was he told

me “I am going to call your mother myself”

They took us over town to the police station, after sitting for a while, then being processed, we

got to make our one phone call, and that is where we stayed for the remainder of the night. The

Judge for the evening arraignments had just left and we had to wait until the next morning when

another Judge comes in. They put Alicia and Nyesha in the same cell, we told Nija to run she

was not with us, I was in the cell next to them with some street lady I told them “Yo, keep an ear

out, this chick looks crazy”. They kept talking to me through the night, I barely slept that metal

bunk was hard and it was cold. The following morning they brought us these nasty egg

sandwiches that smelled awful and some nasty coffee I was weary, I didn’t know what to expect.

The Judge came in around 11:00am; we were arraigned one by one. They let Alicia go home on

ROR because she was a teen with a child. But he gave me and Nyesha a bail of $2,500.00 @

10%, we called our parents and said hurry up over here, if you’re not here by 1:00pm with the

bail paid, they are putting us on the van to go out the County jail. My mom just laughed and said

“Oh yeah, I’ll be there @ 12:59”. Our mothers finally got there, we asked where our fathers were

they said “your fathers are too pissed with you two to come”, Nyesha’s mom Glo told us that our

fathers told them to leave us that they were staying home to have a few beers, and they’ll see us

when we get there.

We were in the same clothes, no toothbrush, no bath and our moms had the nerve to take us out

to eat; they said since we were bad-asses they were treating us how we looked and smelled…bad!

The next month, we received a court date when we went our lawyers got all the charges dropped

to Disorderly Conduct.

It was all over and done with, I began another job working for Fidelity bank I met this girl named

Gi-Gi who worked there as well she and I became cool. We used to hang with each other every

couple days then I found out she was selling drugs I wanted in I gave her some money to flip for

me. Then she hooked me up with the J-Boys, Rick and Tim, they both had Ferraris one had blue

and one had black, two brothers whose family was well known in the city their mother was City

Attorney and their father was the City Foreman, their entire family was selling dope the in-laws,

nieces and nephews. When I linked up with them it was fun and things were going well I used to

hold 2-3 keyloads of cocaine, guns and money at one time in my garage. Gi-Gi and I used to go

to New York or take different trips by plane every couple weekends to pick up packages; I was

getting a thousand dollars a week, shopping all the time. My mom thought I was dating a drug

dealer, but she did not know I was dealing and running.

Then one night Tim called and asked me to take a ride with him. But it turned out to be an off the

clock ride; we went out to dinner, and as we were eating he told me that he has had his eye on me

for some time, that he liked my style and flow, I paused and kind of choked because that was

unexpected.

He asked me if I we could be more than business associates would I be interested in being with

him, I was speechless. Because after giving it some thought I forgot he was married. But what

the hell, I said yeah and we started seeing each other. It was all good I would stay a few nights

with him at this apartment he had. A few weeks later we took a trip to the Bahamas for four days,

and then we went to Las Vegas to see the fight for my birthday and then NBA All-Star weekend

that February, we traveled quite a bit.

His wife’s cousin had seen us at All-Star weekend and before she got home she called and told

her; when we got home she had put his things outside their house and had taken the Ferrari (it

was in her name). She questioned him and wanted to know who I was, what the hell he was

doing in Miami with me, I was sitting in the car with him while they were on the phone. All hell

had broken loose but he would not tell her whom I was; he temporarily moved out.

He moved into the apartment with me that he rented, but I told him he has to go back to his wife

and children that we have got to end this that it was not right; I had that gut feeling that did not

settle with me. I told him we could return to business partners and remain friends. That evening

I had gone to the market to by something for dinner for us and seen his wife she didn’t know me

but I knew her, her cousin recognized me and pointed me out. She came over to me and asked

me “was I seeing her husband”, I told her “I don’t have to answer, you should ask your husband”

we began arguing I popped my trunk asked her how did she want it; the mace or the bat then the

patrol security arrived with the police soon to follow it was quickly resolved with minor

disorderly conduct citations given to both of us and we both left.

When I got back to the apartment he already knew what had happened, I told him it was over I

could not do this anymore, I asked him kindly to make things right with his wife and go home to

his family I would rather have peace then all the conflict; no matter how hard I would ride, I did

not like chaos; but if you pushed me we could war all day long, then I would go right back to my

peace. Two days later I packed my things and went back home to my mothers, not leaving him a

choice. I felt bad, because I was not into sharing a man or being with someone else’s. But

sometimes you just get caught up in the moment.

I called Gi-Gi, she came to get me and we went out, we stopped at the A-Plus mini-mart to get

some gas and seen Nikell and Marina that used to like Antonio when I was going with him. Well

come to find out she was trying to see Tim also, but I didn’t know he had dismissed her at the

Blue Room in front of everyone and she was humiliated; so she really had it out for me.

She allowed her friends to pump her heart up because she was not really tough; she started talking

a lot of trash, saying things about Tim and me, “how she took Antonio from me, blah, blah, blah”.

I was sitting in the car trying to ignore her as Gi-Gi, told her to take the bullshit elsewhere, there

wasn’t going to be any trouble. Gi-Gi continued pumping the gas, the girl came to my window,

reached in to try and grab me, why did she do that? So you know, fearing for my life I pulled her

dumb ass by her arm through the crack in the window and rolled up the window, and then I

pulled out my blackjack got out the car and started beating her in her face and head as she is stuck

in the window. I was at a boiling point, I could not believe she tried me and I gave her just what

she wanted, Gi-Gi and some guy broke it up. I gave the blackjack to some girl I knew, the cops

came and Marina told them I hit her with a weapon. I told them I didn’t have anything; they

searched but did not find anything I told them I used my hand, but when I told them she started it

and how she started it, they asked me if I wanted to file charges against her; I told them no it is

over I had got my satisfaction, she’s the one walking away with lumps on her head!

Gi-Gi and I’s relationship began to separate, as she was getting deeper and deeper in the drug

game. She began acting new, talking different and seeing too many guys in the same click, I was

not with that. She would call or come by, but I began to make excuses and dodge her phone calls,

eventually she got the hint and we fell off.

I always had a conscious

just never let it show;

I know messing with someone’s husband,

was not the way to go.

Not calculating that waiting for me down the road

was Murphy’s Law unconcealed

It was just a matter of time on how it would be revealed.

Gently showing me

the “same thing that makes you laugh

is the same thing that makes your cry”.

You did this to someone

now here is the boomerang in your eye.

Ladies:

*It is not cool and wouldn’t repeat it in a million years. Always put yourself in her shoes and

think how she feels; believe in yourself and know you deserve better.

BUT DID I LEARN “PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH”? NO, AS YOU READ I PREACHED,

BUT NEEDED MORE PRACTICE!

I chilled out after that; I went back to hanging with my girls Nyesha and the crew; we started

getting cool with Real Bill and his boys. Real Bill was CEO of a high mainstream drug ring; he

had high city control and his family was well known. He was funny always cracking a joke about

someone but one thing about Bill, he took care of his family. He had brought a few protégés over

from his hometown in New Jersey to the city and they were getting money doing very well for

themselves.

They were the talk of the town as well as the new boys in town. It was one “new boy” in

particular (Nasheem) that caught my eye so I sent a word to him; we were introduced and started

kicking it. He was a real cool dude but he was lying the entire time about having a girlfriend and

would constantly tell me he didn’t.

He even took me too his house a time or two where he lived with her and her daughter, even

though nothing in the house resembled a woman lived there, my gut still said otherwise. So when

I found out for sure I asked him, he denied it again even though everyone kept telling me he did,

they told me her name and even pointed her out to me one day.

I asked him again and he denied it, so I let it go and told him that I did not think we should see

each other anymore, but since he begged to differ I warned him that “if you play with me, my bite

will be worse than my bark, do not try to play me!” He chuckled, thinking I was cute like a

poodle, so for the last time, I told him “I will show you better than I can tell you, then you’re

going to hate me”. I was at the mall a few days later, who do I see; the two of them together he

acts like he didn’t see me trying to walk by quickly, but I spoke and kept it moving. I wasn’t

going to disrespect “the girlfriend.”

I was pissed off, within the hour after he was finished with her, he called trying to explain but I

was not trying to hear anything he had to say. Before I hung up the phone, I told him “all you

had to do was keep it real; I am not for the games”. Later that night I knew that neither one of

them would be home (a little birdie told checked for me). I went to the gas station and took a

32oz soda cup with me I gave the cashier a quarter he looked at me strange, I looked at him

stranger but didn’t ask any questions. I filled the cup with gas and went to his house. I poured it

all around the front door hoping that he would be smoking a cigarette as he walked to open his

door and his ass would blow right up.

Knowing me that was not enough satisfaction for me, I then went down Third Street, I seen him;

he was hanging with the boys when I walked up he put the dumb look on his face; but all his boys

already knew what it was hitting for; they looked like “all shit something ‘bout to jump of!” He

mildly told them “nah it’s cool she is coming for me”. I didn’t say anything I was still mad. I

approached him, he tried to explain again, and then the tone in his voice began to change; he was

getting louder and more degrading like I was wrong. I was like this dude thinks I’m a joke; I had

some gasoline left over in the cup. I kindly walked away, went to the car and came back smiling.

He thought it was soda and asked for some I kindly splashed it in his face, lit the cigarette lighter

and told him “bitch if you move you’re going up in flames”. All his boys had moved out the way,

when he realized what it was he started yelling “This girl is crazy”, this is gasoline she’s trying to

burn me up! He then started yelling, “I am going to kill you, I am going to kill you”! He got in

his car and left, his boys tried talking to me but I told them mind your damn business because you

can get it too. I got in my car, went home, cleaned myself up and went to bed.

It was over between us, he would call me threatening me about the gasoline at the door but those

words didn’t bother me. One of his boys had seen me and called me Crazy Mo/Psycho Chick I

was like-yup I sure am and if you think your going to play with me and get away with it, you can

get it too! *Not knowing I could go to jail, I was 19, young, fly and foolish. If his apartment had

gone up in flames with all neighbors connected, I wouldn’t have known what to do. I truly was

not thinking, but what I did as a girl are actions that I am through with. I don’t carry-out those

foolish behaviors as a woman; I let God have the wrath as the aftermath unfolds.

My Sista don’t try it, he is not worth it… let it go.

The end of the summer was approaching and another one of Billy’s boys Rodney had come to

town. He was about seven years older than I was a real laid back dude, he had his eye on my girl

Roneisha, but I had my eye on him and he would cut his eye over at me also from time to time.

He was from Jersey City, he would invite us to come over, stay the weekends and hang out with

him and his peoples. He would put us up in a hotel; we never had to spend a dime on anything.

We would sometimes take two cars over there having lots of fun. He introduced us to his

siblings, his sister Brendette was our age so she started hanging with us going to parties and

chilling. As time went on him and Roneisha were having problems so I jumped right in; then him

and I started seeing each other secretly no one knew. As I was getting to know him I learned that

he had just been released from jail a few months earlier after doing nine years for robbing a bank

at the age of sixteen he took the fall for Bill. It was him, Real Bill and another one of their boys

Yakeem they told Bill to run as the cops were chasing them. After his release Bill bought him to

town to celebrate with a fresh start.

About two months later Roneisha found out that we were seeing each other, she was so hurt she

wanted to fight me and everything I felt bad. It was the talk of the town how I stabbed her in her

back and started creeping with her boyfriend now that it was out we just kept seeing each other

then it comes out that he was married. I did not know if Roneisha even knew he was married I

never suspected it because when we went to Jersey City, he would take us to his house and stay at

the hotel with Roneisha.

He and I were seeing each other for some time he spent so much time in Chester I couldn’t tell he

was married and didn’t want to believe it so I blocked it out and continued seeing him. After a

few months his wife found out and called my house because my number appeared on her phone

bill.

She was nice at first; then she started getting smart so I let her have it and told her everything she

did not want to hear she began crying I told her “dumb heifer, don’t call me with this b.s. if you

can’t keep him then that’s your problem”. A couple months later I was pregnant (again) at the

age of 19 I told him and he did not want me to get an abortion, he was very firm about that. I was

thinking what I am going to do. He started talking marriage but I was not trying to marry into

Islam. I thought about it I even tossed the idea around but I did not want to cover up or give up

my foods or lifestyle, what he wanted me to do. I was scared to tell my mom and dad so I hid it

for a few months into the summer. My parents arranged for me to go to stay with my Aunt in

Texas for the summer just to get away for a little bit. While I was down there no one was aware I

was pregnant. One day my grandmother called and told me straight out “she had a dream last

night about fish and that means someone is pregnant”. She said, “it is either you or your mother

and I know it is not your mother!” I got real quiet; I told her “yes it’s me grandma but I am too

scared to tell my mom and dad.” Can you do it for me? To my surprise she was happy and said

sure I’ll tell them; I felt so relieved.

I was just waiting for my mom to call Texas and start screaming at me but she never did. When I

got back to Philadelphia they were at the airport waiting for me I was so happy to see them, we

gave each other hugs and everything, my mom gave me this look as to say something is not right.

I kept on talking to avoid any questions coming at me when we arrived home I was anxious to see

my dad, but he was at work my cousin and her 18 month old son were living with us because she

was in the middle of a separation her.

My mom had planned a big welcome home dinner for me I was happy to see everyone I had

missed them. A few of my family and friends came by to see me we were sitting in the kitchen

talking and out of nowhere T.J. came right up to me, pointed, touch my stomach and he said

“baby”! My grandmother looked at me, I looked at my mom and pushed him away I said boy

get out of here isn’t no baby in my stomach; my Aunt yelled from the other room it better not be!

Okay that just made me scared a little more.

The evening continues and we had a great dinner the guests started thinning out as it was getting

time for bed. I took T.J. upstairs to get ready for his bath and began unpacking my suitcase. I am

nervous and anticipating my mom bringing up the subject of me being pregnant. Once all the

guests left my dad and my grandmother left together, it was quiet for a moment; then the voice….

My mom yelled upstairs “Moneira come down here for a minute I need to talk to you”, I

swallowed the lump in my throat, it felt like the moment before the verdict, I yelled back with

this meek tone “okay”. I was so nervous and confused. As I sat down next to her she was

looking directly at me asking “What’s up”. Your chest is bigger than what it was when you left to

go to Texas. I was stuck I was quiet for a moment and then I admitted it. She then asks who the

father is I told her she said I am disappointed but I’m not the one you have to worry about, it’s

your dad. The next day my dad came to the house my mom sat him down along with me and told

him. He was quiet didn’t say anything for about two minutes which seemed like ten minutes he

put his face in his hands and started to cry I didn’t know what to do or say.

He calmed down and told me that I was not going to have a baby. Then he asked me do you want

a baby? No, I really did not at the time I answered him, no. He said then that does it you’re

getting an abortion. Rodney called I told him what my dad said; he was pissed off, he hung up

the phone on me then he called back about twenty minutes later. Two days following he came to

talk to my parents but my dad was not trying to hear it later on that day my mom called to make

my appointment to have the abortion done.

A few days later my dad took me to the clinic to have the abortion, after examining me the doctor

stated I was right at the cusp of my 1ST trimester going into my second according to the doctor it

was too much of a risk for them do the procedure. He suggested that we go to Albert Einstein

Hospital in Philadelphia, which was the nearest place to do abortions in the 2nd trimester. The

next day we went up there when we got there, again after examining me they said that I was too

far for them to do the procedure, I would have to go to New York I had heard of a couple girls

that went up there to get abortions done.

After being told that my dad said to hell with it I guess I am going to be a grandfather. It was a

little quiet on the ride home then half way my dad said your going to need some clothes, he took

me to the mall and brought me a few outfits, lectured me about “Am I ready to be a parent?” and I

will learn it’s not about me any more it will be all about the baby. I had a job, I was working full

time at the courthouse. I began crying, I didn’t know what to feel or think I was scared; no I

didn’t know what I was getting ready to get myself into, however I knew it was too late and I

needed to get ready for reality. I did not believe in adoption, not after I have carried this human

life for 10 months, I wasn’t giving anything to anyone. I called Rodney when I got home and told

him what happened he was relieved because he thought I had gotten the abortion.

Word was getting out about me being pregnant; haters started getting to Rodney telling him all

these lies about me, people he didn’t even know would come up to him and tell him things, that’s

just how the city of Chester is everyone wants to know everyone always in someone’s personal

affairs and no one is better than the next person. Roneisha found out and from what I heard she

was hurt, she told him that she was supposed to be having his baby. (Little did she know what an

encounter the next 16 years would turn out to be?) Fall was approaching and my 20th birthday

was in a few days to my surprise my mom had planned a birthday dinner for me. All my girls

were there, Rodney and a few of his friends had come he surprised me with flowers and he also

arranged for one of his friends to sing to me I was blushing it was very nice. But it wasn’t the

same without Roneisha and because she did not come; neither did the rest of her crew.

Time was going on, Rodney and I were spending a lot of time together he would come up for my

doctor’s appointment but tension would steadily creep in. He continuously would listen to what

people in the streets who thought they knew me would tell him. Space started to grow between

us along with the petty arguments. I never like to argue, so I just simply told him that if he

wanted to believe them go right on and I’ll be fine. I then heard he was seeing Roneisha again;

she wasn’t really trying to see him because she was still hurt from the two of us.

He and I separated; things had gotten really ugly to the point where he started denying the baby I

was not one to chase him so I just moved on. I started seeing Ness, he said he didn’t

care about me being pregnant he always had his eye on me but just didn’t know how to say

anything and was scared to talk to me. When I initially asked him to go the prom, he wanted to

but was apprehensive due to he had a girlfriend.

He and Al (his best friend) would come down my house almost every day after I would get home,

they always had to eat, watch TV, chill and especially the basketball games, he would take me to

work, to the doctors and everything. The nosy haters off the street were all in my business once

again, some people didn’t even know that I was pregnant but when they would see me with Ness

they assumed that he was the father.

Then when Rodney found out I was seeing someone he started talking all this crazy stuff; oh he

really started denying the baby then. I was like oh well, I know whom this baby belongs to, you

need to deal with reality and suck it up. I have never been scared before and I certainly am not

doubtful, he was only making an ass of himself.

How could you let a stranger

get up in your ear, planting doubt and selling fear.

You call yourself a man;

I am not feeling your game or your dance.

In private our discussions were so intimate,

now you want to act like it’s not legit.

You cannot think for yourself

your vulnerable for the streets;

You allowed jealousy and envy

to come between you and me.

Trust me when I tell you

all the times that you were reactive

you should have been proactive.

You displayed your powerlessness,

you would rather run and hide

then clean up your mess.

It’s sad they never taught you how

to be a man

but you got all A’s

in laying down making a baby without a plan.

You attempted to duck and dodge

passing the blame, upset with me

because I would not play your game.

I know, you thought I was a fool

when you knew from the door I wasn’t a mule.

You say I’m fanatical

look in the mirror

you’re the bridge now, adrift and inferior.

I don’t know why you contemplated

to amuse yourself at my expense

I told you the last laugh will be mine

but God’s wrath in the end.

How to say MOTHER

Mother- a woman, who conceives, gives birth to, nurtures and raises a child, having patience and

compassion.

Definition: Mother: A point of origination, the beginning, the root, produce/production, the

source, able to care for as a mother.

Mother- a mother is a social female parent of an offspring. In the case of a mammal such

offspring that gestates her child, first called an embryo (a fetus) in the womb from conception

until the fetus is sufficiently well developed to be born.

Pronunciation: Moeder, ma, nana, mai, ema, petrino, Mutter, panjo, matka, mamm, mojer,

reny, motina.

There is no book to really define what a mother is; everyone’s story is different. However, being

as though you laid down for 10 minutes of fun, which turned into conception; God created a

human being. You are responsible for that fetus you have been chosen to carry which will be born

into this world as your child. It doesn’t matter what age you are, if you can bear a child then you

must walk the miles. When he/she enters into the earth’s air you are expected to be accountable.

I know it doesn’t always work out like that, sometimes when you have to detach yourself from

your child and adoption takes place, I know as a mother that connection that bond is shattered

with innocence.

On the contrary with love and gentle critique when a WOMAN separates herself by choice, I give

you something to think about. Because you don’t feel like being a parent at that specific time

being as though all you know is “I’m doing me”. So, as your child grows they begin to do them;

in the streets, in your house, at school and with that man 10 years older than she. You use your

child as a pawn. You allow someone to purposely bring harm to your child while you look the

other way. You allow your child to set the standards of your household and make the adult

decisions.

1 MOM, No you are not suppose to wake up to your teenage child’s boyfriend or girlfriend

that stayed the night, sleeping in the same bed and you’re off to work like it is okay.

2 MOM, yes you are suppose to get your child up for school everyday and make sure they

get there. If they act up, yes you are suppose to put them in there place via belt, hand,

shoe, switch and let them know straight up they will not disrespect you, any other adult

or elder because they carry your name or do you not have morals about you name?

3 MOM, Yes you are suppose to go into your child’s room an make sure he/she does not

have anything harmful, unlawful or unethical in their room that in six weeks to nine

months they will have a surprise announcement or destruction.

4 MOM, No you are not suppose to be at the bar or the club with you’re under 21 and then

the two of you come in the house together around 2:00am or later.

5 MOM, No you are not suppose to give up on your children, throw in the towel and just

forget about them, like you didn’t make mistakes in the past the only difference is you

may have got away with it, don’ forget God’s grace and mercy saved you as well.

6 MOM, do you know where your ten year old son is? Do you know whom your thirteen-

year-old son is hanging with? Do you even know that young man in the Jeep that you

daughter is talking too? Do you know how your son got those sneakers? Or how your

daughter got that pocketbook and they don’t work and you or a family member didn’t

buy it?

7 MOM, why is your fourteen-year-old daughter just coming in the house from the dance at

1:30 in the morning?

8 MOM, did you notice that all of sudden your son is wearing more red than he use too?

9 MOM, No your daughter should not be leaving your house with that short skirt on with

those knee boots or the shorts that make grown men turn their heads. MOM, do you even

know where your daughter is going? Or WHO’s going with her?

Mother, pay attention to your surroundings and your child’s environment just a little more, she is

not crying because she doesn’t want to go to Uncle Jason’s house, she’s crying because every

time she goes to Uncle Jason’s house, he thinks she is a 21 year old family-friend instead of the

12 year old family-member and he touches her inappropriately.

Mother, just because your mother never taught you how to love yourself and respect your body

does not mean that you do not teach your daughter sacred morals and keeping herself you can

learn together. You know this but you choose not to do this because she doesn’t want to hear

it….tough! Be real with yourself and you can be real with her. Sit her down and talk to her

anyway, who’s the Parent? She should not be wearing that shirt that shows all her cleavage to the

school and that is the same one you wear to the club…come on Mom!

Mother I don’t expect you to be perfect, but I do expect you to be a parent, I do expect you to

honor the blessing and be a good steward over the child God loaned to you. When he calls for

that child to come home it will be too late, you’re going to fall to your knees begging for grace

when the entire time she was trying to get your attention and you were in the club doing you

under your conditions.

You’re their Mother, not their friend, they are not suppose to like you, but they are suppose to

respect you and you are suppose to love them enough to want them to do better, know better, be

better and live better so as they grow, they will learn to embrace the lessons you taught them and

seeds you’ve sown that will help mold them to be strong adults as they become grown.

Mother, embrace your children unconditionally, love without cause, celebrate them just because

and look past all their flaws. For God so loved the world (you and I) he gave his only begotten

Son for our transgressions and past so we may live together as one with the Son.

Mommy, don’t be so busy that you cannot see that I am growing into what God made me. I

cannot live in your shadow anymore, I am maturing and blossoming walking through open doors.

Mommy I just want a hug and a kiss goodnight, tell me a story so the monster won’t bite. Mum,

sit down with me to ask how my day was, I don’t know if you know they’re gossiping and I’m

the latest buzz. Mama, are you cooking tonight? Will you even be home to see our faces shining

bright and kiss us goodnight? Madera, I miss you, are you coming home, you told me you

weren’t with him, is this why you left me home alone to be with him?

Mom, don’t be afraid to discipline your child, if you don’t do it now they’ll be ruined as men and

women. You make the rules and they have to adhere and if they don’t then you introduce

parental fear. They shouldn’t run your household; they should respect you and do as they are

told. Set the standard, lay down the law, be a PARENT firm, gentle, listening, hearing, authority,

strong, surpassing, standing tall.

You say she won’t listen, but your never home and when she needs your attention….Mom!

Don’t let beer give your child hugs. Don’t let that gentle kiss come from drugs. When they need

you to reach for them and give them more, don’t let it be a gun they are reaching for. Give them

a family and a home, not a house where everyone roams. Don’t let the gangs and the streets

become the thing they admire, and the violence they will adore killing each other to keep score.

Don’t allow the streets to become the parent they can turn too, the one they feel safe with, the one

that gives them comfort, the one that celebrates them when they sell all the dope and bang that

brother for some hope; don’t allow the streets to become the one that affirms all their

accomplishments as they continue to sin, when all they wanted was to win; your love…Mommy.