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Edition No. 648 7884 Irish Avenue S., Cottage Grove, MN 55016 August-September 2016 St. Paul Chapter E-mail address: [email protected]
TCF National Office, P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522 Phone # (toll free) 877.969.0010
The St. Paul Chapter meets the 2nd Thursday of each month at Beaver Lake Lutheran Church;
2280 Stillwater Avenue; Maplewood, Minnesota
7:00 PM – 9:00 PM
For chapter information call Sandy at (763) 228-2393
Chapter Website:
www.stpaulcompassionatefriends.org
Chapter Facebook Page:
https://www.facebook.com/TCFStPaul/
MEETING TOPICS
(We discuss what is on your mind; not only the listed topic)
THURSDAY, AUG 11: OPEN DISCUSSION
THURSDAY, SEPT 8: SPECIAL EVENT: Our first ever mass BUTTERFLY RELEASE! Please see Page 5 of this newsletter for further details regarding this special evening!
The Compassionate Friends, Inc. is a mutual assistance, self-help organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved families. Anyone who has experienced the death of a child of any age, from any cause is welcome. Our meetings give parents an opportunity to talk about their child and about their feelings as they go through the grieving process. There is no religious affiliation. There are no membership dues. The purpose of this support group is not to focus on the cause of death or the age of the child, as it is to focus on being a bereaved parent, along with the feelings and issues that evolve around the death experience of a child. The Mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.
TO OUR NEW MEMBERS We recognize that it takes great courage to come to the first meeting, whether you are a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent of one month or many years. You are welcome to bring a friend or relative for moral support if you wish. You will find that it is all right to cry and to laugh, to share how you feel or just listen. You do not have to talk at a meeting if you don’t wish to. We welcome your participation, but it is not a requirement.
TO OUR MEMBERS FURTHER DOWN THE “GRIEF ROAD” Each meeting we have new parents, siblings and grandparents. THINK BACK – what would it have been like for you at your first meeting if there had not been any TCF “veterans” to welcome you, share your grief, encourage you and tell you, “Your pain will not always be this bad.” We welcome your presence and support!
INFORMATION REGARDING OUR MEETINGS
This is YOUR group and we are here to support each other. Our meetings are open to bereaved parents, adult siblings, grandparents, or adult family members such as aunts or uncles. We hope you will find our meetings and newsletters to be a comfort, a place where tears are allowed, no judgments are made, and, in time, that you can once again find hope and meaning in life.
WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE – WE ARE THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGEST-SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE-2
ST. PAUL CHAPTER INFORMATION
Chapter Leader/MN Regional Coordinator: Cathy Seehuetter - 651.459.9341 Chapter Co-Leader: Kim Pietruszewski - 507.351.4042 Steering Committee: Carol & Ralph Bauman, Kim Pietruszewski, Cliff & Sandy Romberg, Anne Castaneda, Joannie Kemling, Cathy Seehuetter Refreshment Coordinator: Carol Bauman Treasurer: Greg Seehuetter Webmaster: Kim Pietruszewski Newsletter Editor: Cathy Seehuetter Library: Carol Bauman Special Events Coordinator: Kim Pietruszewski Facilitators: Cliff Romberg & Cathy Seehuetter Remembrance Cards: Colleen Hines & Cori Claugherty 1st Contact: Sandy Romberg New Member Outreach: Liz Lambrecht & Susan Kichler Sibling Contact: Alyssa Frank Mailing/Folding Newsletters: Carol & Ralph Bauman Chapter Professional Advisor: Lara Shea of Kok Funeral Home Our sincerest THANKS to the above volunteers who give their hearts and time to make this a supportive, comforting and hopeful place!!! You are invaluable to all of us!
TELEPHONE FRIENDS When you need to talk, they are your listening ears…
ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH:(Kim).………………..507.351.4042 ILLNESS (Jeanne)………..……………………………..……..651.253.8634 ONLYCHILD (Kathy)………..…………………………………651.426.2446 INFANT LOSS (Deanna)………….………………………………………….......715.553.3877 (Ben)……..………………………………………………………....715.553.3490 CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS (Colleen)…………….. 651.788.7885 SIBLING LOSS: (Alyssa)…………..…………………………763.228.1389 TODDLER LOSS:(Angela)…………………………………..970.568.6001 SUICIDE:(Cathy).…………………………………..…………..651.459.9341 GRANDCHILD LOSS: (Carol & Ralph).……………..…651.739.7058 OCCUPATION-RELATED LOSS: (Sandy)……………..763.228.2393 STEPPARENT LOSS:(Cliff)…………..………………………651.528.6073 SUBSTANCE-RELATED LOSS(Anne)……………………651.328.4771
OTHER TCF AREA CHAPTERS (www.compassionatefriends.org for Chapter locator)
MINNEAPOLIS: Meets the 3rd Monday of every month at St. Joseph Parish Community; 8701 – N. 36th Ave; New Hope, MN 55427. Contact Carol at 763.542.8528 for more info.
APPLE VALLEY: Meets at 7:00 p.m. on the third Tuesday of each month at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church, 12650 Johnny Cake Rd, Apple Valley. Call Susan at 651.683.9236 for further chapter information. FOREST LAKE Meets the 2nd Tuesday of each month at Forest Lake Senior Center Lounge; 767 – 4th St SW; Forest Lake, MN 55025. Call Sue at 763-242-3528 for further information.
OTHER SUPPORT
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS TCF……………………………………..toll free: 1.877.969.0010 E-mail: [email protected] National Website: www.compassionatefriends.org
SUICIDE Survivors of Suicide ………………………………612.922.5830 Suicide Awareness/Voices of Education….952.946.7998 www.SAVE.org NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) 11 ANGELS – EMBRACING FAMILIES THROUGH LOSS: (miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant death) http://www.11-angels.org/About_Us.html (Twin Cities area)
Note from the Editor: Articles printed in this newsletter are reflective of the individual writers' views and not necessarily the opinion of the Editor or TCF. As we each grieve differently, we will also find different things to be helpful. Therefore, a variety of views, articles and poems are included in each newsletter to reach out to all of our readers. In accordance with the Principles of The Compassionate Friends, "We treat what is said at meetings as confidential and what we learn about each other as privileged information." In order to protect the privacy of our members, our database, e-mail addresses, and mailing list is used for T We have a sibling contact person (see left column for Alyssa's phone number) but do not have a scheduled sibling meeting. However, siblings age 16 and over are always welcome at our regular meetings, as well as to contact her.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE-3
OUR CHILDREN, SIBLINGS & GRANDCHILDREN
LOVINGLY REMEMBERED
Keeping the families of our precious ones close in thought, sending them comfort and our loving support.
LOVED…MISSED…REMEMBERED…ON THEIR BIRTHDAY AND ALWAYS:
AUGUST 3rd Brett, son of Mark & Lonnie Bohnen 15th Levi, son of Sue Ward 5th Aimee, daughter of Marlys & Shane Goldstein 24th John Norman, son of Janet Lundeen 9th Carley Jean Bruening, daughter of Brenda Bauman 24th Sara, daughter of Katie Friedman 10th Stacey Tims Morgan, daughter of Rich Tims 25th Nicole, daughter of Joe & Denise Kirby 12th Travis, son of Theresa & Dave Kappel 30th Liam Wiggins, grandson of Lynne Sullivan
30th Michael, son of Dawn & Mike Follmer
SEPTEMBER 4th Kellie Kaye, daughter of Joannie Kemling 21st Alexander, son of Pattie Hultman 9th Erica Ann Wilson, daughter of Jo Verdon 24th Connor, son of Cathy Coudron 9th Oliver, grandson of Sandy Beaver 24th Tony, son of Cheryl McColley 12th Pierre LaQue, son of LuAnn Meyer 24th Elizabeth, daughter of Corinne Rockstad 16th Jim, son of Anne & Tony Genia 24th Kristina (Nina) Westmoreland, daughter of Cathy & Greg 18th Karissa, daughter of Steve & Lou Neumann Seehuetter, sister of Lisa, Amy & Dan, granddaughter of
18th Andrea, daughter of Michelle Favilla Harlan & the late Ellie Plumb 20th Bethany, daughter of Kim & Mike Mazur, sister of Jessica & 27th John, son of Joe & Marlene Keyser, brother of Maureen Johnson Kayla 28th Timothy, son of Diane & Ken Olinger 20th Nicholas, son of Susan Tuomela
FOREVER LOVED AND MISSED ON THEIR REMEMBRANCE DAY
AUGUST 3rd Andrea, daughter of Michelle Favilla 17th David, son of Peggy & Craig Riggs 4th Adam, son of Mark & Linda Triplett, brother of Katrina 20th Karly Wahlin, daughter/stepdaughter of Lois & Gregg Swope 10th Travis, son of Dave & Theresa Kappel 21st Brad Mathiesen, son and stepson of Sherry & Bob Daugherty 11th Brandon, son of Juli & Al Sargent 22nd Cecelia, daughter of Kim & Charlie Duffy 12th Erin, daughter of Colleen Como 23rd Ryan, son of Cori Claugherty 12th, Jesse, son of Dave Ryan 24th Larry, son of Lois Nyman 15th Allie, daughter of Bob & Nancy Snow 25th Karissa, daughter of Lou & Steve Neumann 15th Randi Rae-Ann Backer, daughter of John & Sher Forest 29th Patrick Nicholson, son of Denise Kiehne 29th Kerri Braun, daughter of Barb & Dave Deters
SEPTEMBER
3rd Ian, son of Nancy and John Price 20th Derek Beauclaire, son of Rhonda Donahue 6th Peter, Jr, son of Laurie Wach & grandson of Carol & Ralph Bauman 6th Cindy, daughter of Lois Johnson 21st Cade, son of Jimmy & Dione Bailey 6th Ryan, son of Angela Ogle and Dave Ogle 22nd Michael Jr., son of Carol & Mike Morgan 12th Pierre LaQue, son of LuAnn Meyer 27th Eric, son of Gary & Kay Yanka, brother of Stacy & Joe Kern 12th David, son of Jim Franzen, brother of Tom Franzen 27th Lauren, daughter of Mark & Diane Hanson 12th Nathan, son of Jaclyn Gray 27th Sarah, daughter of Jay & Lisa Thorsland 14th Robert, son of Janice & Mark Baird 27th Beth, daughter of Mary & Jim Hidy 14th Jennifer, daughter of Sue Brose 29th Xavier, son of Alex & Angie Steiner, grandson of Mary 17th Stacey Tims Morgan, daughter of Rich Tims Schmidt, and great grandson of Jeanne Schiffer 20th Laura, daughter of Mary & John Goering 30th T.J., son of Joseph Fehringer
BIRTHDAY AND REMEMBRANCE TABLE
If it is the Birthday or Remembrance month of your child, sibling, or grandchild, we invite you to use the Birthday &
Remembrance Table at our meetings to display photos or other mementos. We do this to celebrate their lives on their birthday (you can bring a birthday cake or other treat to share if you wish), and acknowledge them on their Remembrance Day with others who understand how important it is for us to do so. Even if you don’t regularly attend meetings, we invite you to come and share your loved one with us.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE-4
LOVE GIFTS are tax-deductible donations, of any amount, given in memory of our children or other loved ones by family, friends, or others who wish to help with the work of the St. Paul Chapter. Our
chapter is self-supporting and donations fund our chapter activities, such as meeting supplies, featured speakers; annual Candle Lighting, special events; resources such as books, pamphlets and outreach materials for the newly bereaved families; postage and printing for newsletters and flyers, our Children’s Memorial Garden-to-be (see page 5), refreshments and more. Our chapter would not exist without your help. We gratefully appreciate your support!!! “Love Gifts” were given in loving memory by the following:
The Constellation Give Committee for the children, siblings and grandchildren of the St. Paul Chapter
Kay & Gary Yanka for son, Eric
Ben & Deanna Wheeler for son, River Daniel
Bill and Cindy Schmidt for son, Jack
Dan & Bonnie Boyum for son, Michael
Brian Nefzger for granddaughter, Persephone
Cathy & Greg Seehuetter for daughter, Nina Westmoreland, and son Chris
Colleen Stabeck for second cousin, Nina Westmoreland
Craig & Peggy Riggs for son, David
David & Cindy Ryan for son, Jesse
David & Colleen Hines for daughter, Erin
Denise Kiehne for son, Patrick Nicholson
Diane Nelson for son, Joey Fouser, and daughter, Danette Payne
Don & Julie Larson for son, Gregory Shawn
James Franzen for son, David
Jan & Phil Navarro for son, Phillip
Joannie Kemling for children, Kellie Kaye & Mitchell John
Joe & Denise Kirby for daughter, Nicole Mary
Kathy & Al Lesnau for son, Charlie
Kok Funeral Home for the children, siblings and grandchildren of St. Paul Chapter of TCF
Linda Bergan for son, Derek, and grandson, Lawson
Nancy & John Price for son, Ian
Patty & Dan Kelly for Nina Westmoreland
Richard Anderson for Kellie & Mitchell Kemling
Cliff & Sandy Romberg for son, Jesse Frank
Sheryl Staples for son, Tony
Sheryl & Mike Staack for son, Paul Michael
Steve & Jeanette Westmoreland for niece Nina
Susan Diamond for niece Kellie Kaye and nephew Mitchell John Kemling
Wendy Lockhart for sons, Michael & Thomas
SAVE THE DATE: 2017 TCF NATIONAL CONFERENCE
“Rays of Sunshine...Oceans of Hope” Orlando, Florida at the Hilton Bonnet Creek Hotel will be the
site of the 40th Annual National Conference July 28-30, 2017
Amy Sky, Olivia Newton John, and Beth Nielsen Chapman performing at the Friday luncheon at the 39th TCF National
Conference in Scottsdale, AZ July 8, 2016
Candle Lighting at the TCF National Conference in Scottsdale, AZ
Walk to Remember on July 10, 2017 at the National Conference
SPONSORING A NEWSLETTER
Our chapter members have an opportunity to remember their
child, sibling, or grandchild by sponsoring the printing and/or postage of an edition of our newsletter. The newsletter is our chapter's largest expense (mailed 4 times a year), yet one of our most important ways of
outreach and support for our present and future members. - Cost of printing the newsletter: approximately $160-$200 - Cost of postage: approximately $100 (depending on pages and weight of paper) Your sponsorship will be acknowledged in the newsletter and, if you like, you can add a photo of the person you are sponsoring in memory of. However, you can also choose to write up to a column saying a little bit about that loved one who you are sponsoring. To sponsor, call Cathy at 651.459.9341 or email at [email protected].
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE-5
NEW SPECIAL EVENT- BUTTERFLY RELEASE! THURSDAY NIGHT, SEPTEMBER 8th @ 7 PM
This year we are going to do something new for our late summer event; a mass BUTTERFLY RELEASE which is a release of majestic live butterflies all at once in front of our attendees. They will be released back into the natural world to create a beautiful, unique tribute to rebirth and freedom. In this way, we provide a touching tribute to our children, siblings and grandchildren gone much too soon, being ever mindful that our love for them never dies, but lives on in our hearts, our minds and our cherished memories forever.
Because of environmental concerns and the fact that TCF is advising our Chapters to discontinue balloon releases, we are not offering that this year. If you would still like to release a balloon, you can bring one with you to our event. Helium balloons can be as inexpensive as a dollar at places like the Dollar Tree.
There will also be light refreshments available. You are welcome to bring goodies if you like.
The Photo Button machine will be available so come have a photo button made (one per person please). Bring a copy of the photo – the copy made on regular white paper, not cardstock. Big enough for a 3” button. Do not cut the picture out but bring the whole page with you.
We would love you to come that evening as we join together to remember our beautiful children, siblings and grandchildren. If you have questions, please call Kim at 507.451-4042 or Cathy at 651.459.9341. We hope to see you there!
SAVE THE DATE: SPECIAL MEETING
GUEST SPEAKERS ALAN PEDERSEN & MITCH CARMODY! THURSDAY NIGHT, OCTOBER 13TH
We have the great privilege and honor of having popular speakers: TCF Executive Director, singer and songwriter Alan Pedersen, and Minnesota’s Own author, artist, grief expert Mitch Carmody coming to speak with us about HOPE,
something that is a huge part of what TCF is all about; finding Hope on this difficult journey of grief and loss. And perhaps Alan will sing a couple of his songs too! You will not want to miss this wonderful opportunity to have both of these popular members of TCF at our Chapter meeting! Please mark your calendars – you won’t want to miss it.
ST. PAUL CHAPTER CHILDREN’S MEMORIAL GARDEN-TO-BE
Our St. Paul Chapter has been fundraising so that we can have a Memorial Garden for our Chapter. Many TCF Chapters have memorial gardens of some sort – from very expensive and elaborate all the way to very modest and unassuming. Our Chapter is hoping for something that nicely and simply acknowledges and honors the lives of the children, siblings and grandchildren of the St. Paul chapter, with a peaceful place for remembrance and reflection. We are looking to plant a tree or two, benches, with flowers and a marker of some kind. Plans are preliminary. However, we will need to know what funds we will have to work with before we finalize these plans. I have been fundraising for our Chapter through the FRIENDS-ASKING-FRIENDS VIRTUAL WALK TO REMEMBER site, as I have done the past two years, only this year to begin a fund for a Children’s Memorial Garden for our Chapter. It is a great way to do so because those who donate can use a credit/debit cards if they wish to donate to the TCF-St. Paul Team directly online (this Kintera site is secure) – we have less than THREE WEEKS to use this online way to donate– even though it is done through the national organization – is returned to our Chapter 100%!!! Therefore, every dollar donated to the TCF-St. Paul Chapter team goes back to our Chapter to use for our Memorial Garden Fund - as long as you use and click on the following link to donate to the TCF-St. Paul Chapter Team and click on the “DONATE NOW” button only: http://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1156044&lis=1&kntae1156044=B7154E398BF04363B330029250930186&supId=385475789&emaillogid=8865007250 Otherwise, you can mail a check made out to “St. Paul Chapter of TCF” to me at Cathy Seehuetter; 7884 Irish Ave So; Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072 or give to me at a Chapter meeting. You can do this year-round to help support our Chapter and our Memorial Garden. If you have questions, please email me at [email protected] or call me at 651-459-9341. Your donation in memory or in honor of your loved ones towards our Chapter’s Memorial Garden and Chapter is so appreciated. Thank you VERY much in advance. (The photo above is only an example of a Memorial Garden) Editor’s Note: We also welcome any suggestions and thoughts you might have regarding the above. Perhaps you know of someone who might be able to help us, at a reduced rate, with any of the materials, labor or places to have it – we know there are many experts in this area who are out there and we would welcome your ideas, thoughts and referrals. Please share your thoughts with us.
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE - 6
JOINING THE ST. PAUL CHAPTER STEERING COMMITTEE
Without our dedicated and loyal SC members, there would not be a St. Paul Chapter. They are the reason our chapter is all setup for its meetings, chairs are in place, greeters are at the door to welcome new and veteran attendees to our meetings, coffee is made, the welcome table is ready and waiting with brochures and articles of interest, the birthday and remembrance day table is waiting for your photos and mementos; you receive a newsletter like this one carefully chosen and compiled with helpful information, relatable articles and poems delivered to your email or mailbox; special events for our Chapter are well planned and carried out, topics for sharing are chosen; new-member packets are printed and put together, photo buttons are created, facilitators guide us through the sharing and discussion; the website is up to date; the Chapter Facebook page has articles and posts of interest; beautiful cards on loved one’s birthdays and remembrance days are mailed to you from our Chapter, and that is only the tip of the iceberg. Our Chapter is what it is because there are people working behind the scenes to make our chapter as supportive, comforting, informative, and as welcoming as it possibly can be. Giving back and helping others who are walking your same path can truly be healing. PLEASE call Cathy at 651.459.9341 for the time and date of our next steering committee meeting. Won’t you join us in honor and memory of your loved ones?
Donations to the St. Paul Chapter can be made through the United Way. This may be done directly, or through payroll deduction at participating employers. The Compassionate Friends/St. Paul Chapter MUST be specified as the designated recipient. Some employers offer matching donations. We are a legally recognized 501(c)3 non-profit organization. The United Way will issue receipts to individuals for these donations. We thank those members who donate in this way. Some employers offer matching donations made by employees. We thank all those who support us to carry out the important outreach done in memory of our children.
“A DAY WITH MITCH AND ALAN” IN ROCHESTER, MN
The Rochester Chapter of The Compassionate Friends is sponsoring A Day with Mitch and Alan on Saturday, October 15th, 8:30 am—4:30 pm in Rochester at Bethel Lutheran Church, 810 3rd Ave SE. Pre-registration is recommended; event limited to first 200 registered. Registration Fee is $25 in advance; $35 after 8/31/16. Included in the fee is lunch, snacks, coffee/water/lemonade. For inquiry or to make reservations, contact Roxann Neumann at [email protected] or Darwyn Tri at [email protected]. Visit their Facebook page for a Registration Link to The Compassionate Friends Rochester
Outreach Event. Mitch Carmody, author and grief expert and Alan Pedersen, executive director The Compassionate Friends, combine music, art, love and laughter to help the bereaved navigate through the dark waters of loss and recovery.
What The Compassionate Friends (TCF) is really about…
"IT'S ABOUT LIFE!"
I happened to meet one of Marc’s friends the other day and we sat down to talk. I asked him what he was doing. “Medical school,” he said. “I’m going to apply.” I was surprised. He had always had the instincts of an artist. But he had
carried the casket of his two best friends and he was only twenty-four. Maybe he needed to give his soul a rest. He asked me what I was doing. “Compassionate Friends,” I said. “I’m the chapter leader now.” “Why,” he asked, “It’s so morbid. Aren’t you tired of talking about death?” “It’s not about death,” I thought. “It’s about life. It’s about Surviving; at first minute by minute, then day by day, month by month. It’s not about death, it’s really about life.” As I reflect on that conversation I think about how best to explain to people who haven’t been or don’t come back to our meetings that The Compassionate Friends is an organization that embraces life. It is not a group of people sitting around talking about death, but talking about ways to go on living for the other people in their lives…their spouses, children, relatives and mostly for themselves. I tried to think how to explain to this twenty-four year old that our meetings are not morbid but hopeful and how our meetings are caring and nurturing places where people can talk about problems no one else can understand or care to listen to. Our meetings are places where we can talk about our children in a totally comfortable and relaxed way surrounded by friends who understand and care. No, The Compassionate Friends is not a morbid organization at all. It is helpful, hopeful and loving. We at Compassionate Friends know each other’s children better than we ever knew other peoples’ children before we were forced to join this exclusive club. We know their strengths, and we know their weaknesses. We truly can share our children and our feelings about them as we can in no other place. So I turned to Marc’s friend Jeff, who is a warm and fuzzy kind of person and said, “No, Jeff, it’s not morbid at all. It’s uplifting and a relief to be able to talk and laugh about Marc with these people who truly understand.” And then I remembered something my husband Norm read in a magazine. It said, “Time heals a broken heart but people heal a broken spirit. I knew what he had read was right and that is why I go to Compassionate Friends, Jeff…to allow the time to go by to mend my broken heart. But more importantly, to be with people who will help mend my broken spirit.”
~ Toby Eisenberg, TCF/San Diego
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE-7
CHANGING OF THE SEASONS The summer heat is fading and the evenings begin to cool; autumn whispers in the wind. Labor Day often signals the last ‘hurrah’ for days-off as
school buses resume their familiar routes and leaf gathering chores are added to our days.
In our journey towards recovery, there are also seasons. For many, autumn is a reflective time, when nature begins its own cycle of shutting down and dying. A time of quiet melancholy may fill your heart. Distant shadows of the approaching holidays begin to creep into your mind. But if you look closely, you will notice autumn sings loudly her song of beauty and rebirth. She puts on her finest wardrobe, filled with colors of warmth and comfort. Different are these colors of warmth and comfort. Different are these colors than bright spring and summer florals, but how beautiful and peaceful. I see autumn as a season of inner strength, with roots reaching deep into the heart of the earth for nurturing. So as we gather leaves and find long-forgotten jackets, my wish is that the harsh edges of pain will begin to recede and your memories bring you warmth and comfort.
~ D. Barta, TCF, Portland OR
SEPTEMBER SONG
The school bells ring, young voices sing
And small ones shout with glee. The autumn air beckons school to
start and left alone is me.
What makes me feel so down and blue
and boggled down with thoughts of you?
I see the school bus passing by and find myself with a tear in my eye.
Is it the clothes we can’t buy, while others grab the jeans to try?
Or is it autumn in the air that pulls at heartstrings—already
bare?
Maybe it’s the falling leaves and dying grass,
bringing reflections like a looking glass?
Whatever the reason that stirs my heart,
every year when school must start, reminds me how much I miss you.
Forever loved – forever missed. ~ Barbara Williams, TCF/Fort Worth, IN
ACCEPTANCE
How can there be acceptance
of a child’s death? How could I possibly
“take willingly, to say yes to” her death
or “treat as welcome” or “be willing to agree to” it?
No – I can do none of the above. Oh, here’s one more meaning
to the word acceptance: “to take as true” –
to take as true. Oh yes, it took me quite a while,
but I now know it is true. Yes. I do take as true
that she is no longer physically with us
and take as true that my life has changed
irreversibly. I will never say yes to her death,
but I do accept it as true. ~Genesse Gentry from Catching the Light
SUMMER’S END
Always at summer’s end, there comes that moment when
memory brings to me gifts from the past.
I see your faces then, glistening in the sun.
I hear your laughter then, shared by the wind.
And in that glint of time
I feel you near again, as you were, long ago,
at summer’s end.
AUGUST
The summer runs to harvest – do you ask how could a harvest be without
my child? Friend, someday soon the harvest in your life will bring you hope
and wealth from love remembered.
STARS
The stars are like my memory of you.
They seem so small and frail up in the blue…
yet, they may each be greater than the sun.
And now, as faint as they appear
to be the dimmest star, the smallest
memory is full of shining beauty…
every one.
(The above 3 poems were written by the late Sascha Wagner, Eve and
Nino’s mom)
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGUST-SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE-8
GETTING OVER "IT"
This summer we’ll commemorate the seventeenth anniversary of Peter’s death. It doesn’t seem possible that 17 years have passed; that I have 17 years of experiences that don’t include Peter; that I am even alive. The truth is that 17 years doesn’t feel any different than 10 years or 15 years or, probably, 20 years. It does feel very different than one or two years or, even three, four or five years. Mostly, people think I’m “over it.” Well, in the words of a recent ex-president, it depends on how you define “it.” Am I over the gut-wrenching, physical pain? Yes. Am I over the disbelief, the why’s, the inability to breathe? Yes. Am I now able to organize my thoughts, put a sentence together, remember where I put my glasses? Yes, mostly (I still have trouble remembering where I put things). Am I over the incessant crying, screaming and mind-numbing despair? Yes, I am. The early intensity of pain, disbelief and breathlessness has been replaced with a deep unrelenting sadness, sadness for what Peter has missed and what his father and I are missing. No one even suspects how difficult it is for us to celebrate the joys of our friends, but that’s what life has become for us. As their children marry and have children of their own, we laugh with them and share their joy. But after each celebration, we retreat to our unwelcome solitude and share only with each other how painful the celebrations really are. We have no joy to share. The “never-ness” of that often seems unbearable. But if “it” is defined as the wonder that was Peter, I’ll never be over it. Peter will always be our magical child. He will always be bigger than life to us and we will never get over that we had him or that we lost him. In the beginning my greatest fear was that I would forget-forget what it felt like to look forward to his coming home from school, to the sound of his voice, to how much he brought to my life. I was afraid life would make him a distant memory, but I was wrong. Peter is a constant presence in our lives. His absence grows bigger with each passing day. As we’ve gotten older, we’ve watched our friends’ lives seem to get bigger even as their years diminish. With weddings and grandchildren, their futures are extended. No need to even think about the end of days for those whose families continue to grow. For us, our future is immediate, short term. Now, it’s all about us. While a day doesn’t go by that we don’t wonder about what Peter would be doing now, those thoughts are always accompanied by wondering what we should be doing now, now that we clearly see an old age devoid of children and grandchildren. We wonder how we should prepare for that. So, people look at me and think I’m “over it.” They see me laugh, but they never see me cry. They see me totally engaged in life and living, but they don’t hear the conversations I have with Peter or his dad. They are comforted by apparent survival, and no one is forced to
confront my sadness. The fact that sooner, rather than later, Peter and I will be together again might cause those who think I’m over it some discomfort and a need to assure me (and themselves) that I have a long time to live, and I should put such thoughts out of my mind. Talk like that will no doubt encourage those who survive me to one day say, “her son died very young, and she never got over it.” In fact, they’d be right.
~ Written by Marie Levine, TCF/Manhattan Chapter
BORROWED HOPE
Lend me your hope for a while, I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily. Pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn. Looking ahead to the future times
Does not bring forth images of renewed hope. I see mirthless times, pain-filled days, and more tragedy.
Lend me your hope for a while, I seem to have mislaid mine. Hold my hand and hug me, Listen to all my ramblings.
I need to unleash the pain and let it tumble out. Recovery seems so far distant,
The road to healing, a long and lonely one. Stand by me. Offer me your presence,
Your ears and your love. Acknowledge my pain, it is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts. Lend me your hope for a while.
A time will come when I will heal, And I will lend my renewed hope to others.
~ Written by Eloise Cole Reprinted from Bereavement Magazine
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGUST – SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE - 9
HONORING UNHAPPINESS
I have re-read the book Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl more times than I can count. In it, Frankl quotes from a paper written by Edith Weisskopf-Joelson, who had been a professor at the University of Georgia. She wrote, “Our current mental-hygiene philosophy stresses the idea that people ought to be happy, that unhappiness is a symptom of maladjustment....in the present day culture of the United States, the incurable sufferer is given very little opportunity to be proud of his suffering and to consider it ennobling rather than degrading…so that he is not only unhappy, but also ashamed of being unhappy.” It is my hope that all bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings will have the chance to feel that our unhappiness is honored and respected by others suffering similarly. I hope we will find validation, whether from the embrace of others at chapter meetings, from words read in a newsletter, or from conversations with other bereaved parents and siblings. I hope we will not be ashamed of being unhappy. And when our time is right, I hope we may find some moments of joy and peace even as we keep our grief for our lost children and siblings.
~Peggi Johnson, TCF Piedmont, VA
HURRICANE HOUSES
We grievers remind me of people who live by the ocean where they build sturdy, good looking homes which offer most spectacular views. One can tell how their owners cherish these well-tended houses with shiny clean windows like eyes
watching the beautiful, unpredictable sea. But then, there comes a hurricane. In a matter of minutes the treasured, handsome houses are struck, broken, swept away by the wind and water, covered by an avalanche of uncaring sand. I have wondered, weren't the people afraid of another hurricane? Yes, of course, they were afraid, but there was no better place in all the world to live, and so they would stay, they would risk it all again. I understand those people in their hurricane houses. My life, too, has felt like a hurricane house, at times. My children died, taken by one drowning and by one suicide - leaving me broken and swept aside by a storm of tragedy, overwhelmed by loss. Yet if someone asked me about it today, I would say that while I was bitterly hurt and hopeless then, I see that my place in life is still the finest, because I once had my children. I have learned to accept the lonely beach. I build another
house, and now a changed "me" lives there in those rooms filled with welcome feelings and cherished memories. I think that a veteran-griever will know what I mean, while "hurricane house" may seem impossible for most newly bereaved parents. Perhaps we will all understand next year... or the year after that. There is no hurry. To honor the legacy of times remembered to find a new view of life; and for the sake of those who survived with us, many of us have decided to stay on the dangerous beach and to restore our hurricane house with its shiny clean windows like eyes watching the beautiful, unpredictable sea.
~ Sascha Wagner from Wintersun
For Our Siblings:
ROLLING ON THE WAVES
Found February 16, 2010. Missing February 14, 2010…
Those moments, imprinted in my memory for all eternity.
Each day produces a new wave of emotion.
Calm seas are what I long for. The waves of grief allow only at will.
Uncontrollable fits of anger. Drops of tears. Heart aches. Brain spinning ‘round.
Rolling on the waves.
Loss of past and present. Loss of dreams. Family severed. Memories becoming the sum of a life lived.
Rolling on the waves.
Sibling. Brother. Friend.
Rolling on the waves.
Time ticking. Minute to the next. Day by day. Year after year.
Rolling on the waves.
See your face. The call of angst. Unable to save.
Rolling on the waves.
It comes back to the start. Not birth. But death. Loss. Begins the day my heart fell apart.
Still rolling on the waves.
~Joanna Dolle in honor of her brother Jonathan Rasanen - Permission given by author 2015
THE ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA CHAPTER OF THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS AUGUST – SEPTEMBER 2016 PAGE-10
BACK TO SCHOOL
A time of year approaches which makes me sad; Stores have on sale pens, papers, and note pads Blue jeans, shirts, jackets, and of course, shoes.
School is starting - thus for me, a time of the blues.
Memories come back when buses start to roll Of when my son was with us... of days of old,
Memories of his eleven years of school, Crayons, papers, stories, and learning new rules.
Friends, close "buddies," girlfriends, and all. Glasses and braces .yes, you can wear them and still play ball.
"Will you buy me an instrument? I joined the band today."
"Is this hat too big? How can I march and make it stay?" "I need a car, come on Mom and Dad ... what do you say?"
"I'll drive a bus some, plus work part-time, I'll help pay." “Got a school trip tomorrow with the Spanish class.”
drove his car to cash a paycheck ... I thought he'd be right back
Yes, seeing school buses still makes
me sad, But for my memories, I'm thankful…
I'm glad. -~Jess Johnson TCF, Wilmington, NC
THE BEAUTIFUL NAME OF PARENT
People often ask why there is not a word for someone who has lost a child. For me the answer is quite simple; I am and always will be a parent. The death of our child does not take that precious title away from any of us. Nothing and no one can ever change the fact that we are parents. We gave life to, nurtured and raised our children, for however long or short their lives were. “Parent” is a living word. It is an eternal word. Our children would want us to remember that we are their parents now and forever. They would want the name of “parent” that was bestowed on us at their birth to live on in our hearts. We are still actively parenting our children. We continue to bring life to our children by loving them now and forever. There is not and should never be a word to signify the endless love of a parent.
~ Janet G. Reyes TCF Alamo Area Chapter, TX
A DAY
A laugh a day keeps the heart pumping. A tear a day keeps the mind clear. A smile a day gives joy to others.
A hug a day gives the hopeless hope. A thought a day brings loved ones near.
A memory a day brings you closer to me. Laughs, tears, smiles, hugs
stitched with thoughts and memories— They're all in my days without you.
~ Pam Burden TCF, Augusta, GA
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION AWARENESS WEEK
SEPTEMBER 5-11, 2016
In the late 1990’s, TCF officially adopted the terms “died by suicide” or died of suicide” to replace the commonly used
“committed suicide” or “completed suicide” language.
In its press release encouraging other organizations to adopt the new language, TCF noted that “... many suicide deaths
are the result of brain disorders or biochemical illnesses such as clinical depression, but the stigma associated with suicide often forces family members to choose between
secrecy about the death and social isolation. Their hesitancy to seek the support of the community increases their pain and makes their healing more difficult. Families who have
had a child die by suicide are helped in their grief by the use of nonjudgmental language.”
THE MAGIC OF YOU
What can I do to get better? This is the question most often asked by newly bereaved parents, as if the right actions could work a miracle. They are seeking easy rules, methods or steps of healing. But there are none. There are no special words, no miraculous system, no magic wand to take the pain away. There is only time, hard work, and compassionate support. Grief is a process which must be allowed to function thoroughly in order for healing to take place. There are no short cuts; Attempts to ease the process such as through alcohol or drugs often end either in disaster or in complicating the grief process. There is no magic. There is only you, the bereaved person, who must decide yourself to work within the process to resolve your grief. No one else can do it for you but others can help by supporting your grief rather than searching for magic words to wish it away. Others can help within The Compassionate Friends by providing models of healed parents who are willing to listen and share. You can help yourself by being patient with grief instead of searching for easy methods. You can help yourself by learning about the grief process. You can help yourself by sharing your story with others and listening to their stories. You can help yourself by reaching out to others, for helping others is the source of your own healing. Magic pills or incantations? There are none. Look to yourself. The Compassionate Friends can help, but you alone determine the progress of your grief. The magic of healing is within you. ~Marcia Alig, TCF- Mercer Area, NJ
The Compassionate Friends/St. Paul Chapter C/o Cathy Seehuetter 7884 Irish Avenue South Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072 PLEASE FORWARD
ST. PAUL CHAPTER’S 1ST EVER MASS BUTTERFLY RELEASE Thursday, September 8, 2016 – Information on page 5 We sincerely hope you will join us!
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