CAL AND GRADY

"No Pools Were Cleaned on the 3rd of July"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT (CAL’S BEDROOM) - DAY

CAL (28) is sleeping. GRADY (28) walks into his bedroom.

GRADY

Dude. Get up. We got to go to work.

CAL

I’m skipping work, so I can

celebrate the 3rd of July

GRADY

Aren’t you supposed to wait a day,

and celebrate the 4th of July?

CAL

No. Because, you know Joey from

down the street?

GRADY

Yeah. He’s my brother.

CAL

Well, he was telling me something

about how George Washington chopped

down that cherry tree on Tuesday,

and not Wednesday, as previously

thought. So, you know, if you take

that and carry the chronological

integer, that means the 4th of July

is actually on the 3rd of July, and

not the 4th of July, as previously

thought.

GRADY

Joey said that?

CAL

Well. He said the thing about

George Washington chopping the tree

on Tuesday. I’m the one who

extrapolated the data, and

concluded that the 4th of July is

on the 3rd of July. Joey didn’t do

any extrapolations that I’m aware

of. So, yeah--I’m gonna eat hot

dogs today on the 3rd of July,

a.k.a the 4th of July.

GRADY

Well. If you don’t go to work

today, you’re not gonna be

Poolosoft’s employee of the week.

2.

CAL

Whatever. I don’t like how the

company manipulates me with all

that employee of the week bullshit.

I mean, I really want to put an end

to... the bureaucratic

monopolization of the feudal system

and its code of capitalistic

interest rate T-bills that counter

the two sesame seed buns of

economic cash flow ameliorating the

special sauce of Ben Bernanke’s

lettuce and cheese on two all beef

patties.

GRADY

Wait. Are you saying that you’re

gonna sue Ronald McDonald?

CAL

No. I’m saying that I’m gonna join

the union.

GRADY

There is no union at Poolosoft.

CAL

Well. Maybe Poolosoft’s employees

need to, like, pool together, and

unite into a union.

GRADY

I own the company--and you’re the

only employee.

CAL

Well. I’m forming a union.

GRADY

You’re uniting with yourself?

CAL

Absolutely. I’m uniting with

myself.

Cal puts his hands in his pants.

GRADY

Putting your hands in your pants

doesn’t mean you’re uniting with

yourself.

3.

CAL

You get my point. I’m a union

employee now.

He takes his hands out of his pants.

GRADY

But I’m already paying you half of

my profits.

CAL

Listen, management. If you want to

negotiate with us, you’re gonna

have to go through the head of our

union.

GRADY

You’re the head of your union. And

my company doesn’t deal with union

employees.

CAL

Oh yeah?! Well as the head of the

union, I’m organizing a strike.

(puts his hands back in his

pants)

I’m now on strike.

GRADY

Oh yeah?! Well, as the owner of the

company, I’m now on strike.

Grady puts his hands in his pants.

CAL

You’re on strike, too?

GRADY

Yeah. But you’re on strike against

management, and I’m on strike

against the union

CAL

So we’re both on strike.

GRADY

Right.

4.

EXT. HOT DOG STAND - DAY

Cal and Grady are seated at a table and eating hot dogs.

CAL

Man. Striking is freaking crazy.

GRADY

Yeah. I wonder how long the strike

is gonna last.

CAL

Your strike or my strike?

GRADY

Both. I guess. Um. I’m kind of

confused, though.

CAL

I know. I mean, why would Jenna

marry Jonathan, even though she

knows that he knows that she’s

actually her Canadian twin sister

Monica?

GRADY

No. I’m not confused about The Days

of Our Lives. I’m confused about

the strike.

CAL

I know. I mean, why would Edwardo

organize a strike against the dry

cleaning chain, when he knows that

he’s actually his Uruguayan twin

brother who owns the company?

GRADY

No. I’m not talking about that

idiotic Colombian soap opera you

watch.

CAL

If La Manzana is so idiotic, then

how come Edwardo’s ex-wife Cecilia

is an astronaut who recently landed

on the sun?

GRADY

That’s one reason why it’s so

idiotic. There’s no such thing...

as female astronauts. Everyone

knows that women aren’t good at

(MORE)

5.

GRADY (cont’d)astronauting. You know. ’Cause of

their menstrual cycle and all the

PMS, and because they keep on

wanting to buy more shoes. And the

point is, I’m confused about our

strikes. I mean, what are you

supposed to do during a strike?

CAL

Um. I don’t know. Um. Wait. You

know Joey from down the block?

GRADY

Yes. He’s my brother.

CAL

Right. He said that during the

Cesar Chavez strike, they stopped

eating grapes.

GRADY

Yeah. He did say that. So, uh--no

more grapes for us, until this

strike ends.

They continue eating for a few seconds.

GRADY

Dude. I could really go for some

grapes right now.

CAL

I know. That’s what I was thinking.

GRADY

I’m having a major grape craving.

CAL

Me, too. But, you know. There’s a

strike. So no grapes.

GRADY

Yeah. ... You know, I’m giving some

serious thought to crossing the

picket line.

CAL

Me, too. I mean, this no grape

thing has gone on for long enough.

I’m already experiencing severe

grape withdrawal symptoms.

6.

GRADY

Me, too. I guess I’m ready to give

in to the union.

CAL

And I guess I’m ready to give in to

management.

GRADY

Wait a second. Joey said that

Caesar Chavez worked at grape

factory. The grape thing was part

of a grape factory strike. This is

a pool cleaning strike. Pools

aren’t filled with grapes. They’re

filled with water. Except for

Mathew McCanaughey’s pool, which is

filled with 1000 cans of pork n’

beans.

CAL

So we have to give up water? And

pork n’ beans?

GRADY

We can do that. I mean, we don’t

even eat pork n’ beans.

CAL

But we do drink water.

GRADY

Well. We can just drink grape juice

instead. Now that grapes aren’t off

limits.

CAL

Right. So the strike is back on.

GRADY

Yeah. We’re back on strike. You

know what? Maybe we should get new

jobs during our strikes.

CAL

Yeah. I mean, otherwise the economy

will get all fucked up and shit.

GRADY

I think I’m gonna go work for my

father.

7.

CAL

Yeah. And I’ll, like, start a

winery. You know. Since grapes

aren’t off limits.

INT. CANDY FACTORY - DAY

DENNIS (55) and Grady are wearing high hats and standing in

front of a candy conveyor belt (recreating the classic scene

in I Love Lucy).

DENNIS

OK, Grady. We have to wrap every

piece of chocolate that comes off

of this conveyor belt.

The conveyor belt starts moving, and Denis and Grady start

wrapping the chocolate. Pretty soon, they can’t keep pace

with the chocolate, so they start shoving the pieces into

their pants, juggling them, and throwing them at walls.

GRADY

Wait a second. This isn’t what you

do for a living.

DENNIS

What do you mean?

GRADY

I mean, this is a scene from I Love

Lucy. You don’t work at this candy

factory. You import chamomile tea

for a living.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Dennis and Grady are seated in a small office.

DENNIS

OK, Grady. This is where I work. My

company is the largest chamomile

tea importer north of the Eastern

Hemisphere. Alright. Now, watch me

as I run my company. Watch real

closely, so you can get a sense of

how we do things around here.

They sit silently for seven seconds.

8.

GRADY

Um. What exactly do you do here,

dad?

DENNIS

Well. Here’s what it comes down to.

There’s chamomile tea in some other

place. Some other place that’s not

here. So my company is all like,

"Hey. You know how there’s

chamomile tea in some other place,

and that other place is not here?

Well--let’s import that

chamomile tea to some place that is

here."

GRADY

But what do you do specifically, to

import the tea?

DENNIS

I specifically sit in this chair

and wait for the tea to get here.

TOMMY

And...?

DENNIS

And when it gets here, I take out

this checklist.

He takes out a one item checklist attached to a clipboard.

DENNIS

And I checkmark the box that says

"chamomile tea."

GRADY

That’s all you do?

DENNIS

Of course not. I mean, you don’t

think that your father sits in this

chair all day, waiting to checkmark

a box.

GRADY

Right. Yeah. So what else do you

do?

DENNIS

Well. You see. After the tea gets

here and it’s imported, I wait for

some other truck to get here.

9.

GRADY

And?

DENNIS

And then when the truck gets here,

it takes the tea to my buyer.

GRADY

And?

DENNIS

And when that truck leaves, I put

a smiley face next to the

checkmark.

Seven seconds pass.

GRADY

And?

DENNIS

And then I wait for more tea to get

here from my supplier. And when it

does get here, I checkmark the box

under the last box.

Seven more second pass.

GRADY

What kind of a fucking job is this?

DENNIS

Well, what did you think when you

heard "tea importer?"

GRADY

I don’t know. I mean, I figured

there would be more action.

Seven more second pass.

DENNIS

No--there isn’t too much action in

this business.

GRADY

Well. Freaking A. I mean, um. Let

me ask you this. Where do you

import your tea from?

Dennis turns to BOB (40), who’s sitting at the desk next to

him.

10.

DENNIS

Bob--where do we import our tea

from?

BOB

Fekmekistan.

DENNIS

(to Grady)

Fekmekistan.

GRADY

Is that in Idaho or something?

DENNIS

(to Bob)

Bob--is that in Idaho or something?

BOB

No. It’s a country next to

Dukdukgoosistan.

DENNIS

(to Tommy)

It’s a country next to

Dukdukgoosistan.

GRADY

Well where’s Dukdukgoosistan?

DENNIS

It’s between the French speaking

part of Canada, and the English

speaking part of Canada.

GRADY

It is?

DENNIS

Um. I mean,

(to Bob)

Bob--where’s Dukdukgoosistan?

BOB

It’s between Maruda, and the

DaGilligan Republic.

DENNIS

It’s between Maruda, and the

DaGilligan Republic. The Skipper,

too.

11.

GRADY

So we’re just gonna sit around, and

wait for chamomile tea to get here

from Fekmekistan?

They sit silently for seven seconds.

DENNIS

Yes.

This sit silently for seven more seconds.

DENNIS

Bob--is the chamomile tea here yet?

BOB

... No.

Dennis looks at the paper on his clipboard. Then he takes a

bag of cocaine out of his pocket, pours its contents onto

the paper, and snorts the cocaine in one swoop.

DENNIS

(singing)

Workin’ 9 to 5 / It’s a way to make

a livin’ / Always getting high /

It’s a way to make a living

GRADY

Uh. One more question, dad.

DENNIS

Let me guess. You want to know what

color the checkmark is.

GRADY

Uh. No. I want to know what you

just snorted a line of, and why it

looked like cocaine.

DENNIS

Oh. Right. Yeah. I forgot to

mention this part. When I’m not

putting down a checkmark or a

smiley face, I snort cocaine.

GRADY

How can you afford all that

cocaine?

DENNIS

Bob--how can I afford all that

cocaine?

12.

BOB

Well. Take a look at our company’s

financial documents.

He hands Dennis a cocktail napkin, and Dennis reads off of

it.

DENNIS

Let’s see. 2014. Chamomile Tea

Sales: $247 million. Chamomile Tea

Expenses: $187 million. Bob’s

Salary: $60,000. Printer Ink: 8

cents. Cocaine: $59,900,000. Net

Profit: $39,999.92.

GRADY

OK. Well. I think maybe you should

make a few changes to the way you

run your business.

DENNIS

Oh. Like what?

GRADY

Well. Here’s my main suggestion.

Maybe you should cut down on your

expenses.

DENNIS

(snorts another line of

cocaine)

I agree 100%.

(to Bob)

Bob--we gotta use less printer ink.

Just get a hammer and some granite

and a chisel, and chisel

everything. We need to do more

chiseling.

GRADY

No--when I said "expenses," I

wasn’t talking about the printer

ink.

DENNIS

Right.

(to Bob)

Bob--you’re fired.

GRADY

No--I wasn’t talking about Bob’s

salary.

13.

DENNIS

Oh. So you think we should spend

less on chamomile tea?

GRADY

No--I think you should spend less

on cocaine.

DENNIS

Listen, Grady. It’s your first day,

so there are still some things

about this company you don’t know.

GRADY

Like what?

DENNIS

Like, I only snort genuine

Colombian yayo. I’m not gonna

switch to Panamanian yayo just to

save 10 or 20 million dollars a

year.

GRADY

Well. I was thinking that you

should stop snorting yayo period.

DENNIS

What are you--high?

GRADY

No--you’re high. You’re high on

$59,900,000 worth of Colombian

yayo.

DENNIS

Listen, Grady. If you want to

import chamomile tea, you gotta

snort the best Colombian yayo. If

we’re gonna cut down expenses, it’s

gotta be on the printer ink, or

Bob, or the chamomile tea. You know

what? Let’s go down to Fekmekistan,

and negotiate the chamomile tea

prices directly with the

Fekmexicans.

BOB

Actually--they’re called

Fekmekistanis.

Dennis snorts some more cocaine.

14.

DENNIS

The Skipper, too.

GRADY

That’s it! I’m on strike!

DENNIS

Oh yeah?! Well if you’re on strike,

then I’m on strike, too!

They sit silently for seven seconds.

DENNIS

Bob--is the chamomile tea here yet?

BOB

... No.

GRADY

(to Dennis)

Fine. Let’s go to Fekmekistan.

EXT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Cal standing on the sidewalk, and holding a bunch of grapes.

CAL

(to himself)

OK. Based on what I’ve seen on I

Love Lucy, you make wine by having

Italian women stomp on grapes.

He walks up to a WOMAN (25).

CAL

Excuse me. Can you take off your

shoes?

She slaps him.

CAL

OK. One more question. Are you

Italian?

She slaps him again.

15.

EXT. FEKMEKISTANI STREET - DAY

Dennis is holding a Disneyland Map. Grady is standing near

him.

DENNIS

Alright. According to this map, the

teacups are that way.

GRADY

Dad. That’s a map of Disneyland.

We’re in Fekmekistan.

DENNIS

Right. I wonder what kind of

sporting goods they have here.

(to a Fekmekistani Man)

Excuse me, amigo.

FEKMEKISTANI MAN

Amigo is a Spanish word. I’m

Fekmekistani.

DENNIS

Right. Uh--I meant, excuse me

akhmigo. Where is your nearest

sporting goods store?

FEKMEKISTANI MAN

There are no sporting goods stores

in Fekmekistan. We only have three

things for sale here: camels,

chamomile tea, and cocaine.

DENNIS

What about food?

FEKMEKISTANI MAN

Oh. I guess we didn’t think of

that.

(turns to a few Fekmekistani

Men)

Hey everyone. Let’s build, like, a

Chipotle around here.

DENNIS

Uh. One more question,

akhmigo. Where can we buy a few

tons of chamomile tea?

FEKMEKISTANI MAN

At the Fekmekistani Chamomile

Company. The FCC.

16.

Dennis looks around, and sees dozens of large buildings that

say FCC, along with a few camels walking around on dirt

roads.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - DAY

AGNES (80) is watching TV. Cal walks in holding a bunch of

grapes.

CAL

Agnes. I just started my own

winery. Are you Italian?

AGNES

No.

CAL

Whatever. Can you just pretend to

be Italian?

AGNES

No. I hate Italians. I’m white.

CAL

Italians are white.

AGNES

They’re not white enough. I mean,

when my daughter was dating that

Italian son of a bitch Sylvester

Stallone, I told her, "You might as

well start dating that negro Apollo

Creed."

CAL

Apollo Creed isn’t a real person.

AGNES

But he is really black.

CAL

Agnes. Let’s get serious, and focus

on the issue at hand. I have a

bunch of grapes in my hand, and I’m

trying to turn them into wine, via

an Italian woman, or a non-Italian

woman pretending to be Italian.

AGNES

Cal. I’m just saying. Rocky would

be much better if had an Irish guy

beating up a negro, instead of an

(MORE)

17.

AGNES (cont’d)Italian guy beating up a negro. If

you really want to do something

worthwhile, drop all this winery

nonsense, and start making a movie

titled An Irish Guy Beating Up a

Negro.

NT. FCC - DAY

Dennis and Grady walk in. A WOMAN greets them.

WOMAN

Welcome to the FCC. What do you

want?

DENNIS

Ten tons. Shipped to America.

WOMAN

We don’t handle any shipping here.

You’ll have to arrange that

separately.

DENNIS

OK.

WOMAN

Alright. Your order is for ten

tons. And your total is 43

billion Fekmekistani rubles.

DENNIS

Grady--do you have any Fekmekistani

rubles on you? I’m all out.

GRADY

I’m all out, too. Plus, I’m pretty

sure Fekmekistani rubles are a

bullshit currency.

WOMAN

No. Fekmekistani currency is backed

by camel shit--not bullshit. Camel

shit and gold. And Bubble Yum

bubble gum.

DENNIS

Can we pay in US dollars?

18.

WOMAN

Sure. Your total comes out to $500.

DENNIS

(to Grady)

OK, son. Here’s where we negotiate.

(to Woman)

$500?! Come on, akhmigo. I didn’t

come to Fekmekistan to pay East LA

prices. How about, less than $500?

WOMAN

For ten tons? Come on, homeboy.

$500 is a great price.

GRADY

Homeboy?

WOMAN

He calls he akhmigo, I call him

homeboy.

DENNIS

Come on, akhmigo. Less than $500.

WOMAN

It’s 500. I can’t do any better

than that. Except for 400. I can do

400. And I must admit, 400 is

better than 500. But let me just

say this. I can’t do any better

than 400. Except for maybe 300. I

can do that.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - DAY

CAL

Alright. I ditched the Italian

plan. I got one that’s way better.

AGNES

You’re gonna knock out Apollo

Creed?

CAL

No. Even better than that. My

winery’s gonna cut out the

middleman.

AGNES

Who’s the middleman?

19.

CAL

The Italian women. And the grapes.

I don’t need either of them. You

see, I can buy a gallon of Vic’s

Very Dirty Vodka for $19. And I can

buy jugs of grape juice at the 99

Cent Store for, like...

AGNES

99 cents?

CAL

Yeah. 99 cents. So I’ll just, like,

mix 25 cents worth of Vic’s Very

Dirty Vodka with 25 cents worth of

grape juice, and put everything in

a wine bottle--and then, um you

carry the 7, and divide by the

integer of the cosine coefficient,

and that means I’m gonna make a

shitload of money selling wine.

INT. BUDGET RENT-A-CAMEL

Dennis and Grady walk in. A MAN greets them.

MAN

Welcome to Budget Rent-a-Camel.

DENNIS

Hi. We need to deliver some stuff

to America.

MAN

I see. Well. There’s a sea between

here and America. So you can either

rent a ship, or you can rent camels

and teach them how to swim.

DENNIS

Well. Give us a second to discuss

this.

(to Grady)

I think I can get those camels to

do a breaststroke.

GRADY

Well. I say we should get a ship

and sail away from this horseshit

country.

20.

MAN

Fekmekistan is not a horseshit

country. Our official state animal

feces is camel shit. We’re a camel

shit country.

DENNIS

Alright. Well. We’re gonna take a

ship, and sail away from your camel

shit country.

MAN

OK. One ship. Here are the keys.

He hands Dennis a keychain attached to two giant keys.

MAN

When you land the ship in America,

just take to it your nearest Budget

Rent-a-Camel.

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - DAY

Cal leaves his home, walks over to his neighbor Dinh’s home,

and rings the bell. Dinh opens the door.

DINH

Are you here for my real estate

seminar?

CAL

No.

DINH

What do you mean "no?" I can show

you how to make a fortune in real

estate. For instance, you can use

reverse toileting.

CAL

What the hell is reverse toileting?

DINH

Well. You buy a home, remove all

the toilets, and then sell the home

for a $100,000 profit. Reverse

toileting.

CAL

Yeah. I’ll have to try that out.

But, uh, I was just wondering. When

all those guys come over to your

(MORE)

21.

CAL (cont’d)house every Thursday night, what do

you all do here?

DINH

Well. I’m Vietnamese. So that means

on Thursday nights, I have some

friends over, and we gamble.

CAL

Well. Let me ask you this. Are you

guys gonna drink?

DINH

Well. We’re Vietnamese--so yes,

we’re gonna drink, and smoke, and

say things like, "Deal me in,

baby."

CAL

I see. Well. My winery just came

out with a new wine. Retail price,

$5 million a bottle. But I’m gonna

give you the introductory rate of

just $10 a bottle.

DINH

Wine? No. We’re Vietnamese

gamblers. We drink the hard stuff.

CAL

Oh. Well. Um. That’s just it. My

wine is specially formulated for

Vietnamese gamblers. It’s called

"Bong Sing Choc Fi." In Vietnamese,

that means "Really Good Strong

Wine."

DINH

No it doesn’t. That means "Holy

moly--I have too much pubic hair.

CAL

Oh. Well. I meant to say "Fo Shei

Du Tu."

DINH

Your underwear is made of chicken

feathers?

CAL

How do you say "Really Good Strong

Wine" in Vietnamese?

22.

DINH

"Sao Pshay Me Foo."

CAL

Yeah. That’s what my wine is

called. And it contains three times

the cheap vodka that’s in normal

wine.

DINH

Cheap vodka?

CAL

I mean, alcohol. It contains three

times the alcohol that’s in normal

wine.

DINH

Oh. Well. I guess I’ll take a dozen

bottles. By the way--our language

is called Tagalog, not Vietnamese.

EXT. FEKMEKISTANI HARBOR - EARLY EVENING

WORKERS are loading sacks onto a ship, while Dennis

supervises, and Grady makes a phone call.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

Cal picks up the phone.

CAL

What’s going on, bro?

(Back and forth between the Apartment and the Fekmekistani

Harbor)

GRADY

Dude--I’m just waiting for the

strike to end. And in the meantime,

I’m working with my dad

in Fekmekistan.

CAL

Oh. You mean that country next to

Dukdukgoosistan?

GRADY

Uh. Yeah.

23.

CAL

Awesome. They got good camels over

there. Have you ever tried camel

milk before?

GRADY

Yes. You asked me that last week,

bro.

CAL

Right. Yeah.

GRADY

So is your strike still on?

CAL

Yeah. But my winery business is

moving along. You know. ’Cause I

cut out the middleman--and now I

mix the cheap vodka and 99 cent

grape juice myself.

GRADY

That’s not really "cutting out the

middleman."

CAL

Whatever.

GRADY

Which vodka are you using?

CAL

Vic’s Very Dirty Vodka.

GRADY

That’s some insane stuff. It’s not

made from potatoes, you know. It’s

made out of ropes. If you drink

more than a few shots of that

vodka, you start thinking you’re a

pirate from North Dakota.

CAL

But vodka is Russian--not North

Dakotan.

GRADY

Not Vic’s Very Dirty Vodka. But,

uh, I guess it’s no big

deal--unless you sold a case of

your wine to a bunch of Vietnamese

gamblers.

24.

CAL

Funny that you should bring that

up. I just sold a case to Dinh. And

he’s gonna have his Vietnamese

gambler friends over tonight.

GRADY

Dude. That could totally get out of

hand.

CAL

Why?

GRADY

Cheap vodka and Vietnamese gamblers

aren’t a good mix. That could lead

to, like, some sort of Vietnamese

kickboxing royal rumble.

CAL

Um. Well. Dinh’s friends started

coming over 10 minutes ago. I’ll go

check on them and see what’s

happening.

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

Cal walks out of his home, and over to Dinh’s home. He looks

in the window, and sees Dinh and 5 VIETNAMESE MEN beating

the crap out of each other.

EXT. SHIP / SEA - EARLY EVENING

Dennis and Grady are on a ship sailing in the sea. Dennis is

looking at his Disneyland map.

DENNIS

According to this map, we’re

currently sailing past Space

Mountain.

GRADY

Dad--will you please put away that

Disneyland map? Use this map.

Grady hands him another map.

DENNIS

Right. Yeah. According to this map,

we’re currently sailing

past Dukdukgoosistan.

25.

They look and see a bunch of DUKDUKGOOSISTANIS playing a

game of Duck Duck Goose outside.

DUKDUKGOOSISTANI MAN

Okay. This game is to see who

becomes the new President. Ready?

He starts patting people’s heads and going around the

circle.

DUKDUKGOOSISTANI MAN

Duck, duck, duck, duck...

DENNIS

How long is it gonna take to get to

America?

GRADY

Well. It’s probably gonna take way

longer than it did to fly to

Fekmekistan. ’Cause ships travel in

knots, and planes travel in light

years. I guess we’ll get there

tomorrow morning.

DENNIS

Well. It’s a good thing I packed

these Chipotle burritos.

Dennis is holding a Chipotle bag.

DENNIS

Man--it’s amazing how quickly those

Fekmekistanis built a chain of

Chipotles.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT (CAL’S BEDROOM) - DAY

Cal wakes up. He walks out of his room...

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

...through the living room, and out of the front door...

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT - DAY

...and over to Dinh’s home. He rings the doorbell, and Dinh

answers it.

26.

DINH

Did you come for my real estate

seminar?

CAL

Uh. No. I was just wondering. How

did last night go?

DINH

Oh. You know. The usual. We played

some poker, we smoked, we drank,

and we beat the living shit out of

each other.

CAL

That’s the usual? You usually beat

the living shit out of each other.

DINH

Of course. I mean, we’re Vietnamese

gamblers--not Singaporean dental

hygienists. Actually, no. Bad

example. Singaporean dental

hygienists are extremely violent.

If you ever get tooth decay in

Singapore, don’t go to a dental

hygienist. Just have a veterinarian

work on your teeth.

CAL

Well. What about the wine I sold

you yesterday?

DINH

We drank it all--but I’m not so

sure you have a bestseller on your

hands. Your wine tastes a little

too much like pork ’n beans.

EXT. SHIP / SEA - DAY

DENNIS

Alright. America is in sight. Let’s

get ready to unload the chamomile

tea. Take these bags to the back of

the ship.

Grady attempts to pick up one of the bags.

GRADY

This seems way heavier

than chamomile tea.

27.

DENNIS

That’s because they gave us

powdered, concentrated, white

chamomile. See?

Dennis opens the bag and shows its contents to Grady.

GRADY

This is powdered, concentrated,

white chamomile?

DENNIS

What else could it be? I mean, it’s

way too white, way too powdered,

and way too heavy to be normal

chamomile.

GRADY

Well. It might be cocaine.

Dennis snorts some powder from the bag.

DENNIS

OK. Now this is why I only snort

Colombian yayo. Fekmekistani yayo

isn’t as good.

He snorts some more.

DENNIS

I will say this, though. It’s

pretty good.

Dennis takes out his phone and dials.

WOMAN (ON PHONE)

FCC. How can I help you?

DENNIS

Um. I made a large purchase from

you earlier today. And you guys

gave me cocaine.

WOMAN (ON PHONE)

Right.

DENNIS

Where’s the chamomile?

WOMAN (ON PHONE)

What chamomile?

28.

DENNIS

The chamomile I bought from you.

HEATHER (ON PHONE)

What the hell are you talking

about?

DENNIS

The chamomile tea. I bought from

you.

HEATHER (ON PHONE)

Oh. I see what happened. You got us

mixed up with the FCC--the

Fekmekistani Chamomile Company.

We’re the the FCC--the Fekmekistani

Cocaine Company.

GRADY

You just said "FCC" twice. And you

emphasized the second C in both of

those FCCs.

HEATHER (ON PHONE)

Right. The Fekmekistani Chamomile

Company is the FCC. And

the Fekmekistani Cocaine

Corporation is the FCC. They both

have an emphasis on the second C.

As opposed to the Fekmekistani

Camel Company--which is the FCC.

And then there’s the newly formed

Fekmekistani Chipotle

Company--which is the FCC.

DENNIS

Well. That clears everything up.

He hangs up.

GRADY

OK. We’ve got ten tons of

Fekmekistani cocaine on this ship.

DENNIS

Do you think we’ll be able to trade

it for two tons of Colombian

cocaine?

GRADY

Well. I don’t know the conversion

rates between Fekmekistani yayo and

Colombian yayo. But I do know that

yayo in general is illegal here.

29.

DENNIS

It’s medicinal yayo. I have

glaucoma.

They arrive in some sort of port, and an INSPECTOR

immediately gets on their ship.

INSPECTOR

Do you have anything to declare?

DENNIS

I have glaucoma.

INSPECTOR

And...?

DENNIS

And, um, I’m gonna go home and

treat it with ten tons of cocaine.

INSPECTOR

Cocaine? Cocaine’s illegal! You

have ten tons of cocaine at home?

DENNIS

No.

INSPECTOR

Then where? What’s in those bags?

DENNIS

Tea.

INSPECTOR

Well where’d you get that tea?

DENNIS

Fekmekistan.

INSPECTOR

Well. You’re gonna have to pay

taxes on that tea. Now let me take

a look at it, to see if it is tea.

DENNIS

(loudly, so a bunch of MEN on

land nearby can hear)

I have to pay taxes on this tea!

The Men look at Dennis.

30.

INSPECTOR

Well. Yeah.

DENNIS

(loudly)

On the 4th of July!?

INSPECTOR

Yes, on the 4th of July.

DENNIS

(loudly)

Let me show you something.

He holds up his Disneyland Map.

DENNIS

(loudly)

This is the Declaration of

Constitution.

INSPECTOR

It’s a Disneyland map.

DENNIS

(loudly)

And in the Declaration of

Constitution, Episode Three,

Article Four, Route 66, it says,

"Read my lips: no tea taxes!"

MEN

Yeah!

DENNIS

(to the Men)

Patriots! Come aboard this ship,

and join me as I dump this tea in

the ocean, to protest the tea taxes

imposed upon us by Prince Charles,

and Tony Blair, and Ringo Star.

The Men get on the ship, and they and Dennis dump the bags

into the ocean and chant:

MEN & DENNIS

(chanting)

Read my lips / No tea taxes / Read

my lips / No tea taxes

31.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Cal and Agnes are watching TV, and they’re each holding a

bottle of Cal’s brand of wine and taking swigs.

AGNES

I don’t like Vietnamese people--but

I gotta admit, I like this

Vietnamese wine you make. It tastes

just like pork ’n beans.

CAL

Well. I’m out of the wine-making

business. This is the last of my

inventory--aside from the 25 other

bottles I have in our wine cellar.

AGNES

We don’t have a wine cellar.

CAL

What’s the name of that room we use

to make and eat popcorn in?

AGNES

The popcorn room?

CAL

Right. Yeah. The wine is in the

popcorn room. Next to the popcorn.

Grady walks in through the front door.

GRADY

What up?

CAL

Happy day-after-the-3rd-of-July.

AGNES

You mean, the 4th of July?

CAL

I don’t believe in that date. You

know. Since Washington chopped down

the cherry tree on a Tuesday.

(to Grady)

Bro--you smell like cocaine and

Chipotle.

GRADY

Right. Yeah. I just got back from

Fekmekistan--remember?

32.

CAL

So how did it go?

GRADY

Let’s just say that there are a few

million coked up fish and dolphins

in the ocean right now.

AGNES

Which ocean?

GRADY

I don’t know. The one that’s in

between Fekmekistan and whichever

country we live in.

(notices them drinking wine)

So are you guys, like, alcoholics

now?

CAL

No. We’re just drinking the

inventory from my winery. You know,

the wine business is tough. You

gotta get bottles, you gotta make

wine, and then you gotta eliminate

the pork ’n beans flavor from your

wine.

GRADY

Right. ... Why the hell would your

wine taste like pork ’n beans to

begin with?

CAL

Well. Apparently, when you mix

cheap vodka and cheap grape juice,

the protons in the vodka mix with

the electrons in the grape juice,

and they combine to form something

that, molecularly speaking, is

similar to what you get when you

mix cheap pork fat with cheap

beans.

GRADY

Says who?

CAL

Says Bill Nye the Science Guy.

GRADY

He did an episode about that?

33.

CAL

No. I freaking asked him about it.

(to Joey)

Right, Bill Nye the Science Guy?

JOEY (30) is sitting on another sofa, drinking a bottle of

wine.

JOEY

Right.

GRADY

(to Cal)

Dude. That’s not Bill Nye the

Science Guy. That’s my brother

Joey.

CAL

Whatever. Anyways--about the whole

strike thing we got going. I think

we got to end it.

GRADY

Yeah. How do we do that?

CAL

Let’s ask Bill Nye the Science Guy.

GRADY

Damn it--that’s my brother Joey.

Joey--how do you end a strike.

JOEY

Well. Let’s see. During the 1970 US

Postal Workers Strike, President

Ray Romano entered negotiations

with union leader and WWF tag team

champion Cassius Clay.

GRADY

Right. Yeah.

(to Cal)

We need to negotiate.

CAL

OK. Um. 200.

GRADY

200 my ass! 50!

CAL

50 your ass! 40!

34.

GRADY

40 your ass! 70!

CAL

70 someone’s ass! 400.

JOEY

400 my ass! 150.

AGNES

150 a Mexican’s ass! 90!

GRADY

90 my ass! 70!

JOEY

70 my ass! 250!

CAL

250 my ass! 127.

GRADY

127 sounds good.

CAL

Yeah. It does.

JOEY

Yeah. I like 127.

AGNES

127 is great.

GRADY

So, I guess our strikes are over.

CAL

Yeah. I guess so.

A few seconds pass.

CAL

(to Grady)

Dude. When we say 127, what are we

talking about? 127 what?

GRADY

Um. Like. Joey--what are we talking

about? 127 what?

JOEY

Collective bargaining units.

35.

CAL

Right. Yeah. That’s what I thought

we were talking about.

GRADY

Yeah. That’s what I thought, too.

AGNES

Oh. I thought we were talking about

deporting 127 million Mexicans from

this country.