Cafeteria Memo - Improved Version

7/31/2019 Cafeteria Memo - Improved Version

1/5

De La Salle UniversityRamon V. Del Rosario Sr. College of BusinessBusiness Communication

Assignment 1 on Concreteness

Submitted by:

Your NameSection

Submitted on:

Date of Submission


2/5

Original Sentence C Violated Error Revised Sentence

Completeness The date when the memowas written is not included.

May 24, 2012

Completeness The names of the writerand reader are notincluded.

TO: Ana de la CruzPersonnel Manager

FR: Jason SantosVice-President, HumanResources Department

Completeness The writer did not sign thememo. Jason SantosJason SantosJason SantosJason Santos

Completeness The subject of the memo isnot included.

RE: Meeting on Employee Concernson May 31, Thursday

Everyone is up in armsover the quality of the so-called food now beingserved in the cafeteria,the idiotic new relaxeddress code which permitsthe girls to wear shortsand halters on the job,and the parking situationin which employees mustliterally walk from thestreet lots to the buildingand I urgently suggest a

meeting with allconcerned to discussthese top-priorityproblems on May 31,10:15 in my office.

Conciseness andCoherence

The whole memo is onesentence only, and is verylong. It is difficult to readand understand.

Also, writing the threecomplaints as part of onelong sentence makes themessage incoherent. Thereader will find it easier ifthe three complaints arewritten as bullets.

I have received 15 complaintsinvolving three employee-relatedareas:

The revised dress code for femaleemployees;

The cafeteria food; and The parking situation.

Lets meet in my office on May 31,Thursday, at 10:15 a.m. to discussthese concerns.

Thank you.

Everyone is up in armsover the quality of the so-called food now beingserved in the cafeteria,the idiotic new relaxeddress code which permitsthe girls to wear shortsand halters on the job,and the parking situationin which employees mustliterally walk from thestreet lots to the buildingand I urgently suggest ameeting with allconcerned to discussthese top-priorityproblems on May 31,10:15 in my office.

Clarity Everyone is up in arms this is an exaggeration. Itis better to cite the numberof employees who reallycomplained.

Employees must literallywalk from the street lots tothe building - this is anexaggeration.

Top-priority problems while employee concernsare important, these onesdo not seem to qualify astop priority. Also, useproblems with cautionbecause it could beinflammatory.

I have received 15 complaints involvingthree employee-related areas:




3/5


Everyone is up in armsover the quality of the so-called food now being

served in the cafeteria,the idiotic new relaxeddress code which permitsthe girls to wear shortsand halters on the job,and the parking situationin which employees mustliterally walk from thestreet lots to the buildingand I urgently suggest ameeting with allconcerned to discussthese top-priority

problems on May 31,10:15 in my office.

Courtesy The idiotic new relaxeddress code which permitsthe girls idiotic and

relaxed could inflame thereaders.

Girls this insults thefemale employees, whoare women.



Everyone is up in armsover the quality of the so-called food now beingserved in the cafeteria,the idiotic new relaxeddress code which permitsthe girls to wear shortsand halters on the job,and the parking situationin which employees must

literally walk from thestreet lots to the buildingand I urgently suggest ameeting with allconcerned to discussthese top-priorityproblems on May 31,10:15 in my office.

Completeness The day of the meeting isnot mentioned. It is betterand more considerate toinclude the day so that thereader does not have tocheck the calendar.

The time of the meeting isnot specific is it in themorning or in the evening?

Some offices are open 24hours a day.

Lets meet in my office on May 31,Thursday, at 10:15 a.m. to discuss theseconcerns.

Everyone is up in armsover the quality of the so-called food now beingserved in the cafeteria,the idiotic new relaxeddress code which permitsthe girls to wear shortsand halters on the job,and the parking situationin which employees mustliterally walk from thestreet lots to the buildingand I urgently suggest ameeting with allconcerned to discussthese top-priorityproblems on May 31,10:15 in my office.

Clarity I urgently suggest ameeting with all concernedto discuss these top-priority problems on June11, 10:15 in my office. The language is notconversational. Thesuggest seems to implythat the writer is trying tobe pleasant to his or hersubordinate, but theurgently shows that he orshe is asserting his or herposition.

Lets meet in my office May 31, Thursday,at 10:15 a.m. to discuss these concerns.


4/5


Courtesy The writer did not thankthe reader. Although thePersonnel Manager really

has no choice but tocomply with the request ofthe VP, the VP should, outof courtesy, thank thePersonnel Manager.

Thank you.


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May 24, 2012

TO: Ana de la Cruz

Personnel Manager

Jason SantosJason SantosJason SantosJason Santos

FR: Jason Santos

Vice-President, Human Resources Department

RE: Meeting on Employee Concerns on May 31, Thursday

I have received 15 complaints involving three employee-related areas:

The revised dress code for female employees;

The cafeteria food; and

The parking situation.

Lets meet in my office on May 31, Thursday, at 10:15 a.m. to discuss these concerns.

Thank you.

(Note: The revised version should be printed in Arial 10 font, double-spaced and with normal

margins.)

Documents

Cafeteria Memo - Improved Version