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COMING OUT AS KINKYGEARUP 2015
Cal Domingue, MFT7/10/15
Agenda
• Mindfulness• Emotions: their role• Happiness • Identity• Groups• Coming Out
• Exercise
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MINDFULNESS
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Many styles
• Grounded in Hakomi
• Present: sounds, sensations, posture– Reactions, thoughts feelings
• Loving Observer, compassionate witness
EMOTIONS: THEIR ROLE
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Anthropology / Sociology
• Emotions are an evolutionary response• Means of social communication• Critical to group survival• Each emotion has a role
Emotions
• Shame – Conformity to group rules (social norms)– Survival vs. straight white male dominance
• Love / joy– Creates connections, interdependencies
• Fear– Warn of danger, pay attention
• Anger– Be strong, defend / attack
Emotional Intelligence
• Self-Awareness: recognize feelings as they occur• Managing emotions: appropriate reactions;
modulate negative affect• Self-Motivation– focus on a goal, emotional self-control; deferred
gratification; controlling impulsivity• Recognizing emotions in others: empathy• Relationships: skill in navigating others’ emotions
HAPPINESS
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What is Happiness• Dave Robson: 5 Pillars
– Know yourself; passion; trust your heart– Build awareness; positive mindset
• Uplift Program: Murray & Fortinberry– Connection to others; self-esteem– Connection to your body, nature, spirituality
• Dalai Lama– We have a right to be happy; happiness = a sense of wellbeing– How we perceive our situation; how satisfied we are – Impacted by our mindset and perceptions– Basic physical needs must be met: food, clothing, shelter– Love, affection, closeness, & compassion bring happiness
Happiness: common threads
• Basic needs met– Plan to provide for yourself
• A choice• An attitude• Involves self-awareness– What actions bring you satisfaction (accomplishment)– What actions bring you joy– What interactions bring you joy– How are these impacted by your sense of self?
July 27, 2013 Gifted Adults GPGC 2013 55th Reunion Copyright 2013 Cal Domingue, LMFT 11
IDENTITY
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Cultural biases
• The Western mind favors the self-contained– Elevates individual and self-identity– Not good at implementing interdependence
• Hinduism & Buddhism– interdependent co-origination– Experience of divisions, locations, and self-
identity are illusions, generated by the body, senses and the mind
Four Take Home Messages
1. There are no single human beings – alone we die
2. The brain is a social organ – evolved for group survival
3. The cortex is shaped post-natally via social interactions
4. The brain can be changed, regulated and helped to heal in relationships
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Aspects of Identity• Cultural identity • Ethnic identity • National identity• Religious identity• Gender & sexual identity• Labeling others & ourselves in categories• Associating with certain groups– Comparison: comparing groups
GROUPS
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Identity in groups
1a : sameness of essential or generic character in different instances
b : sameness in all that constitutes the objective reality of a thing : oneness 2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : individuality
• The distinctive characteristic(s) belonging to any given individual, or shared by all members of a particular social category or group
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Group & Identity
• Others’ actions & thoughts have impact – Do we fit in?– Socialization and peer pressure
• Other people’s attitudes– Acceptance or rejection of how other people
attempt to influence the individual• GroupThink– Attitudes, who belongs, hazing, …
Belonging / Tribe
• Majority / minority– In-group / out-group
• Visible / hidden– Self-categorization– Categorization by others– Match or different?
• Establishment of an easy-to-understand and consolidated sense of self or identity
Brain: Mirror Neuron Systems
• Sensory-Affective Link-up for Attunement– Imitation & Skill Building– Resonance & Coordination
• Experiencing the other as a part of the self– Shared Emotion / Emotional Contagion– Sympathy– Empathy
Brain: Social Engagement System
• Tenth Cranial Nerve Network– Allows finer tuning of arousal than sympathetic –
parasympathetic balance• Allows us to stay connected• Helps with matching emotional response to
the social situation
Engagement in Community
• Initial Attraction– Phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, dopamine
• Later stages of long relationships– Oxytocin, serotonin
Neurochemicals
• Serotonin: serenity, optimism, spiritual experiences• Norepinephrine: physical & mental arousal; heightens
mood• Dopamine: motivation, pleasure, reward• Opiates: Modulate pain, reduce stress, bliss• Phenylethylamine (PEA) - “love drug”, modulates
dopamine & norepinephrine • Anandamide: mood, appetite, memory, pain perception
– binds & activates same receptors as weed• Oxytocin: bonding, emotional attachment, loyalty
Kink / Leather / BDSM
• Pain – physical & emotional processed same – Regulation: endorphins, noradrenaline, opiates,
serotonin• Endogenous – produced by our bodies• Intense doses of same chemicals that cause
pleasure • Community interactions / group scenes– Initial attractions: PEA, norepinephrine, dopamine– As relationships lengthen: oxytocin, serotonin
Kinky Brains
• Touch us in our vulnerability & strength• Brain pathways etched deeply through life– Brings intense focus to them– Opportunities to transform– Provide missing experiences
COMING OUT
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Gay / Bi / Trans Coming Out
• Series of Circles– Self– Private: friends, family– Public: colleagues, acquaintances, activities
• Environments– Others who are same– Individuals / gatherings– Work– Social Media
Generational ConsiderationsThe times, they are a’changing
Younger
• Less need for LGBT?• Less persecution (for
some)• More comfort in
mainstream, w/o need to establish specific identity
• Need 2 B deeply seen
Older
• Strong need for LGBT• History of persecution
for identity• Closet: hidden in
mainstream• Integrated: Out in
mainstream• Need 2 B deeply seen
Reasons to Come Out (or Not)
• Safety– What do others think– How do they react?
• Consequences: job, isolation, rejection
• Less need for specific identity (age-related)
• Self-Acceptance– Integration: levels– Shame vs. privacy
• Finding tribes: belonging in groups
• Being seen& accepted for all of who we are
Being Seen - Deeply
• Mirror neurons• Experiences flood us with neurochemicals• Community mirrors: fairs, weekends, parties• Transformational opportunities
Kinky & Happy
• Understanding what it means to you• Understanding how it manifests in you• Meeting individual needs• What beyond that?– Partners, fun, growth– Adapting to changes
• Goals– Emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical
July 27, 2013 Gifted Adults GPGC 2013 55th Reunion Copyright 2013 Cal Domingue, LMFT 31
Kinky Community
• Group Think• What’s OK? • What’s included?– Types of play– Roles
• Dress• Hazing / ritual / process
Coming OutSpecific desires / preferences / roles
• Dealing with attitudes including:– Slaves are simply property, not people (some)– Attitudes about masculinity • Internalized & in the community• Are tops somehow more masculine (better)
• Dirty, dark side– Nastiness as part of the appeal– ‘Owning’ as positive what others demean• Gay, queer, black, etc…
Coming Out about Fetishes
• Animal play: puppies, pigs, ponies, …• Holes: – Which ones: ass, mouth, piss slit, – What do you put in them? Body parts? Toys?– Yours or theirs, or both?
• Other body parts & practices– Finding others, place in community– Influenced by GroupThink & attitudes
Coming Out about Limits
• Is more better? – Not being shamed or forced by this belief
• Some limits OK, not others?– For yourself– For the community
Coming Out about Quirks
• Coming out as individuals • Nerdiness • Emotions & needs, shyness• Disabilities or physical limitations, etc -
• Community pressure to conform?• Community acceptance for all?
EXERCISE
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Silent Gaze
• Find partner – Sit facing each other– Establish mindfulness, closed eyes– Open eyes, in silence look into each others eyes
• Notice what happens in yourself– Tension / relaxation– Thoughts, emotions, sensations– Easy or challenging– Opening or blocking– Want / desire /
Come Out
• Some aspect of kinkiness– Specific to that person– Not evident to community
Summary
• Define your challenges– Technological as well as personal
• Set realistic expectation– Mastery is not achieved overnight
• Keep your eye on the goal– Mentorship programs
QUESTIONS?
THANK YOU!
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BRAIN & NEUROBIOLOGY
Attachment System
• Affective Regulation via Proximity
• Experiencing the other as a part of the self
• Shaping neural structure via experience
Social Neural Plasticity
• Prenatal / Childhood epigenetic processes• Ongoing Neuroplasticity– Changes in attachment patterns– Healing early deficits
Limbic System
• Amygdala- regulates fear, anger, startle reflex• Hypothalamus- hormonal balance, appetite,
sleep, wakefulness• Thalamus – pacemaker for cortical activity• Hippocampus- short term recall, context of
emotional memory• Anterior Singulate Cortex- reward system,
emotional processing
Brain influences
• Meditation: brain changes opposite of depression & anxiety
• Negative emotions : right frontal lobes• Positive emotions: left frontal lobe• Advanced meditators– More left cortical activity– Lower cortisol, reduced startle response
Serotonin
• Serenity, optimism, spiritual experiences• Dysregulation: depression, eating disorders,
suicidality• Regulates sleep, appetite, pain, mood• Effected by some anti-depressants• Hallucinogens alter serotonin in areas of
brain affecting integrating sensory stimuli
Norepinephine
• Physical & mental arousal; heightens mood• “Fight or flight”: heart rate, blood pressure,
etc.• Medications: target alertness, attention; alter
blood pressure
Dopamine
• Arousal: motivation, pleasure, reward• Apathy, anhedonia, parkinsonism• Schizophrenia, mania, delusions,
hallucinations• Meds: anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers
Neurosteroids
• Cortisol– Stress response, blood glucose, mood
• Estrogen– Mood, neurotropic factor
• Progesterone– Mood changes (mostly in women)
• Testosterone– Aggression, dominance, ‘Type A’ behavior
Opiates
• Modulate pain, reduce stress, bliss• Suppress physical functionality: breathing,
dependence• Endogenous: “runners high”, cutting, BDSM
Other Factors
• Phenylethylamine (PEA)– Amphetamine, found in chocolate, “love drug”– Modulator of dopamine & norepinephrine
• Anandamide– Binds & activates same receptors as weed– Mood, appetite, memory, pain perception
• Oxytocin– Bonding, emotional attachment, loyalty
Oxytocin
• Ability to trust: same brain circuits for love, friendship, generosity
• Physically released when hug lasts more than 10 seconds• Released in social situations where we trust and love
– Trust: step-by-step process.– Eye contact made; respond with smile– Smile back; hold out our hand– We trade gestures gestures, facial expressions and tones of voice:
increase attunement (Mirror neurons, other structures)• Each tiny interaction builds trust by getting the oxytocin flowing• Also a signal that it's okay to trust a stranger
– Whose actions resemble those of members of our tribe– Who’s like us