By Patrick F. McManus

LAST LAUGH

The Art of TraileringHow getting hitched can lead to divorce and other hazards

Back in 1952, a guy by the name ofMilo Psinsky hooked up a trailerto his car, and all the trailer lightsworked. Milo was briefly consid-ered for sainthood, but alas, saint-hood requires two miracles andnot just one.

Outdoorsmen are about theonly people nowadays who stilluse trailers-utility, camping, boat,mountain bike and snowmobile.At tbe moment, I am down toonly three trailers: two boat andone utility/camping. The lightsdon't work properly on any ofthem. Tbat doesn't botber me toomuch, because I know that's thenature of trailer lights.

A highway patrolman stoppedme recendy and told me that myboat-trailer signal light had indi-cated a left tum, and I had madea right tum.

"What's your point?" I said."I just thought you might be

interested," he said. "I have a boattrailer that does the same thing."

"The tum signals on all boattrailers work that way," I said. "Ifyou see a trailer signaling left, youknow the driver is going to makea right. It's practically a law ofphysics."

"Really?" he said. "I didn'tknow that. Here's a ticket."

I'm not sure if trailer lights arestill a major cause for divorce inthis country. I believe that was thecase at one time, when trailerswere generally in common use.Tlie grounds for divorce devel-oped like this. The husbandhooks up a trailer, and of coursethe lights don't work. Typically,there are four wires: yellow,green, brown and white. If thereare more than four wires, youshould immediately walk awayfrom the trailer and call either a

mechanic or a bomb-disposal unit. Peoplehave been institutionalized after attempt-ing to hook up trailer lights with more thanfour wires.

Now, even though there are only fourwires involved, the number of combina-tions in which the v ires from the car canbe connected to the wires from the traileris somewhere in the neighborhood of4,500. To find the right combination, onesimply employs the process of elimination.Most of the time, tbe rigbt combinationturns out to be Number 4,499.

The process of elimination requires twopeople, typically a husband and wife. Thewife is usually the one stationed behindthe trailer, in the position of observer. Thehusband either crouches or lies on bis backnear the respective light plugs of the vehi-cle and trailer. Then he begins working hisway through the various combinations ofwire connections.

"Okay," he snouw lo his wife. "Did theleft rear signal light go on?"

"No," she replies. "But the right rear sig-nal light went on."

The man mutters something under hisbreath and then shouts, "Is the left lightblinking now?"

"No," she shouts back. "But the rightrear brake light went on."

They continue in this manner for a cou-ple of hours, by which time the husbandbegins to suspect that his wife is lying tohim, out of sheer malice, about which lightwent on. Soon their conversation degener-ates into name-calling and they eventuallyend up in divorce court. Trailer lights arenot to be taken lighdy.

The first trailer I ever bought had beenfashioned by a backyard madman out ofthe rusty rear half of a pickup truck. Hehad painted it blue, with house paint. Itwas not attractive. Still, Cont'd on page 95

N O V E M B E R 2 0 0 5 39

LAST LAUGH //Cont'd from page 39

I figured it might work as a campingtrailer. The madman I bought the trail-er from was not the madman who hadbuilt it. He was a different madman. Iwas the madman who tried to get alicense for it.

"What's the ID number of the trail-er?" the licensing lady asked me.

"It doesn't have one," I said."Who was the manufacturer?""Milo Psinsky," I said.The lady said she couldn't give me a

license for a trailer built by MiloPsinsky. Every time I went back to thecourthouse to license the trailer, I gotthe same lady. She seemed to enjoy mytorment and perhaps thought she couldkeep her ruse going for another four orfive years. Then one day I went into thecourthouse and got another lady. Shehad me sign a couple of forms and gaveme a trailer license.

"Do you know how to fix trailerlights, too?" I asked her.

"No," she said. "Neither did my ex-husband, the fool."

Many people have trouble backingup trailers. The procedure is really quiteeasy. Simply remember this bit ofadvice: You put your hand on the bot-tom of the steering wheel, then moveyour hand in the direction you want thetrailer to turn. Or maybe you put yourhand on the top of the steering wheel.I think it's the top. No, wait, it's the bot-tom. I'm sure it's the bottom. The mainthing is to pay attention to what you aredoing while backing up. Ignore allcrunching sounds and those peoplewho are screaming at you. Rememberto remain calm.

There are some show-offs who like toback up their trailers with a bit of flair.One day while I was waiting to launchmy boat at a Puget Soimd ramp, ashow off whipped his pickup truckaround and backed his boat trailerdown the ramp. I should mention thathis pickup truck probably cost more

than my house. His boat was almost asbig as my house. The maneuver was soquickly and expertly done, I developedan instant hatred for the guy. His boatslid effortlessly off the trailer and floatedup against the dock. He had two beauti-ful babes with him, whose function, Ibelieve, was to hold the boat against thedock while he parked his pickup. Theman then roared back up the ramp-with his boat bouncing along behindhim. He had forgotten to untie hisboat's bowline from the trailer! Ha! Hismishap produced smiles all along theline of us boaters waiting to launch.That, of course, was before we realizedhow long it takes to remove a large boatthat has been dragged halfway up theonly launch ramp.

Trailer hitches are basically prettysimple affairs, at least if you have amodicum of mechanical skill andknowledge. My hitch, for example, hasa ball-like doohickey bolted onto a steelwhatsis about a foot long. You slide thewhatsis into a whatchamacallit underthe middle of your rear bumper. Thenyou line up the holes in the whatsis andwhatchamacallit respectively-this takesscarcely more than an hour or two—andthen you shove a thingamajig throughthe aligned holes and fasten it in with azimp, simple as that.

A word of caution: Sometimes theclamplike thing that is supposed to goover the doohickey and connect thetrailer to the towing vehicle, well, some-times this won't go over the doohickey.That's because the doohickey is too bigfor the trailer hitch. You have the wrong-size doohickey bolted to the whatsis thatgoes into the whatchamacallit. This isnot a rare occurrence. In fact, if you hap-pen to have several trailers of differentsizes, as I do, it will happen 98 percentof the time. Change the doohickey tothe proper size. Do not-I repeat, donot-jump up and down on the trailertongue in an effort to make the hitchparts connect. It won't work. Take myword for it.

Do not-l repeat, do not-jump up and down on thetrailer tongue jn an effortto make the hitch partsconnect. It won't vyork.Take my word for it.

Also, always fasten your safety chainssecurely to the towing vehicle. This willprevent your trailer and boat from pass-ing you on a busy expressway, one ofthe least pleasant sights you mayencounter during your lifetime.

Another word of warning: Inside thewhangdoodle on the trailer tongue area pair of glimps that are supposed toclutch onto the doohickey. The glimpsresemble litde steel jaws, as I tend tothink of them. Sometimes the jaws jamwhen they come into contact with thedoohickey. Here is the warning: Do notstick your finger up between the whang-doodle and the doohickey in an effort tounjam the jaws. Otherwise, you can for-get about any future career as a brainsurgeon. And don't get the idea thatthat's why I'm not a brain surgeon. If Iwere a brain surgeon, how would I findthe time to deal with three trailers?

Autographed copies of Pat McManus's booksmay be ordered from mcmanusbooks.com or bywriting P.O. Box 28216, Spokane WA 99228,orphaning 509-467-4356.

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