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By Alec Strum
© Copyright 2007, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every
performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be
addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.
All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast,
television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are
controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance,
reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.
These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America
and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the
United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and
all nations of the United Kingdom.
COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK
IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.
On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:
1. The full name of the play
2. The full name of the playwright
3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with
Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”
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THE SOUTHFIELD STORIESA Contemporary Take on The Canterbury Tales
By Alec StrumCAST OF CHARACTERS
THE TRAVELERS # of linesCHARLEY JEFFERSON ................narrator; easily impressed 36MIKE KNIGHTLY.........................a high school football star; 44
perfectGILL WHIMPLE ..........................“Hydration Specialist” for the 14
football team; eagerly loyal to Mike
SCARLET TANKER......................empowered young woman 29(sort of)
EVANGELINE PARSONS ..............preacher’s daughter; pretty; 30wears a prom dress
WARREN SHLUB........................Evangeline’s boyfriend; 34defeated
DRAGA NIGHTSHADE .................goth; scary 27SID VISCOUS ............................Draga’s boyfriend; punk-rocker; 29
uniqueJANE JONES..............................quiet girl; good 9BAILEY HARRISON.....................latchkey kid; generous 26THE CHARACTERSTHURGOOD...............................baseball coach 15ARCHIE.....................................baseball player 13PAUL ........................................another 14EMILY .......................................Thurgood’s beautiful daughter 11QUEEN .....................................powerful leader 9EXPLORER ................................arrogant but handsome young 15
foreignerOLD WOMAN.............................very ugly 15LITTLE GIRL ..............................beautiful girl who sings and 4
dancesMOTHER...................................of little girl 3SCIENCE TEACHER....................wicked and ugly 2POLICE OFFICER........................stereotypical 1CHANTICLEER ...........................a poetic rooster 6
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OLD LADY .................................Chanticleer’s owner 2
COREY .....................................greedy, mean girl; the leader 25
TORI.........................................Corey’s second in command 25
LORI.........................................last in the group’s pecking 19
order
DEIRDRE ..................................a practicing witch 8
PIRATE......................................ghost of a bloodthirsty pirate 6
SET DESCRIPTION
TIME: The present, over the course of a rainy day in April.
PLACE: The suburban town of Southfield, not far from “the City.”
The main playing area is the living room of Bailey’s home. There is
a couch UP RIGHT, two chairs UP LEFT and a coffee table CENTER
STAGE. Additional chairs and end tables may be added at the director’s
discretion, but a large area should remain open DOWNSTAGE for the
story area. Scene One at the bus stop takes place in front of the
curtain.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
The Southfield Stories is a play about storytelling, and any play about
storytelling is about imagination. When characters in the stories
“appear” and “disappear,” for instance, it is for the director to decide
what this means. If you have at your disposal the technical resources
to make people seem to appear and disappear out of thin air, by all
means, do so. However, it is just as—if not more—theatrically effective
to have characters in the story walk out (in character or neutral) and
perhaps put on a costume item or two in front of the audience. Perhaps
you might even experiment with onstage coat racks or trunks with
costumes. In short, there is no need to hide the strings. Any minor
scenic elements you may want to help establish the various settings
in the stories can be brought out in full view of the audience as the
action is going on. The more inventive ways you can find to keep the
show flowing and to keep actors’ and audience members’ imaginations
engaged in creating the environment together, the better.
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The Southfield Stories - Set Design
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THE SOUTHFIELD STORIES
Scene One
LIGHTS UP: In front of the CURTAIN. A bus stop in the suburb of Southfield.
CHARLEY stands at the bus stop alone. She speaks to an invisible bus
driver in an invisible bus DOWNSTAGE of her, amidst the AUDIENCE.
CHARLEY: Yes, sir! I understand. All full. No problem. Just awhile?
Oh, sure. Well, I’ll just wait then. (SOUND EFFECTS: BUS PULLING
AWAY. THUNDERCLAP. RAINSTORM. CHARLEY notices the AUDIENCE
and, as the narrator, directs her lines to them throughout the first
scene unless specified otherwise.) Oh, hi! I’m Charley. Nice to meet
you all. Great day, huh? Guess what? I’ve got a story for you. Here
is how it began. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDERCLAP.) When the bitter
days of March are over, and the April showers have come to bring
life back to our lovely little town, spring awakens in all our hearts,
and we, the citizens of Southfield High School, feel an urge to
embark on the greatest of pilgrimages—we hop on the bus and
head for that remarkable collection of glistening towers forever
shining on the horizon… the city. Every weekend… a new group on
a new bus… seeking new adventures. You never know who you’ll
meet and what they’ll be planning for the day. It’s almost a spiritual
experience. I can’t even begin to explain it to you. I personally never
have a plan. I always just get to the bus stop and see who’s going
in. I meet people. I tour the city by myself in search of adventure,
enlightenment and friendship. And this particular voyage proved to
be the best one ever. It all started when the bus leaving Southfield
was full, and I had to wait in the glorious spring rain for another
bus. That’s how I met my fellow travelers for the day. That’s how I
heard their stories. (MIKE struts ONSTAGE with GILL stumbling after
him carrying a sports bag bigger than himself, finally crashing to the
ground.) First there was Mike Knightly.
MIKE: (To AUDIENCE.) Star quarterback for the Southfield High School
Crusaders. Tall, strong, handsome, good-natured, handsome, noble,
well-dressed, nice smile, cool under pressure, handsome, skilled
leader, loyal, a brilliant tactician, handsome, righteous, handsome,
grateful for the little people like Gill, here. Handsome.
GILL: (To AUDIENCE.) Gill Whimple. Chief Hydration Specialist to the
Southfield Crusaders. Loyal companion to Mike. Always.
MIKE: (To CHARLEY.) We’re on our way to the big game. I’m the starting
quarterback for the regional team, and our big game against our
biggest rival region is tomorrow at Becket Stadium. I’d like to get
there the day before. Camp out, get a feel for the terrain. All the big
recruiters are going to be there.
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GILL: Isn’t Becket Stadium outside the city, like in the other direction?
MIKE: Quiet, Gill. You’re going to throw off my concentration. (MIKEand GILL step back. Each TRAVELER in turn, will step back after being introduced, forming a line facing the AUDIENCE as if waiting at a bus stop.)
CHARLEY: Wow! What a guy! Oh! Then there was Scarlet Tanker.SCARLET: (Storms ONSTAGE, yelling into a cell phone.) It’s raining,
Danny! Pick me up! You won’t do what I tell you, huh? Well! Then we’re finished! (Hangs up. To CHARLEY.) When’s the bus get here?
CHARLEY: She never lets anyone push her around. Especially her boyfriends.
SCARLET: I am an empowered woman. You should stand up for yourself, too, Chippy.
CHARLEY: Charley.SCARLET: Whatever.CHARLEY: Wow! I wish I had that kind of… strength of character.
Anyway, then there was Evangeline Parsons and her boyfriend of nearly four years, Warren Shlub.
EVANGELINE: (ENTERS with WARREN, who’s holding an umbrella over her. To AUDIENCE.) Warren and I are headed into the city to work in a homeless shelter. We do some kind of charity together every weekend. My father is Pastor Reginald Parsons. You might know him from his television show, “You’re a Sinner and I’m Not.”
WARREN: Angel, if we’re helping people out at the homeless shelter, why are you wearing your prom dress?
EVANGELINE: I told you, Shlumpkins, one needs always to look pretty when doing good works.
WARREN: It just seems unnecessary.EVANGELINE: I have to look pretty, Warren. You don’t think I look
pretty? (Starts to cry.)WARREN: No, no, I didn’t say that. I just… oh, for heaven’s sake!EVANGELINE: Don’t curse, Warren. It’s ugly.WARREN: That’s barely even a—EVANGELINE: I don’t want to hear it.CHARLEY: Such good people. Such good, good people. Well, so then
there was Draga Nightshade and her boyfriend, Sid Vicious.SID: (ENTERS with DRAGA. To CHARLEY.) That’s Viscous. Sid Vicious
was a famous punk-rocker. Maybe I will be someday, but I am not trying to steal his name, understand? I am not a poser. Unlike all you sheep.
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CHARLEY: These guys are bad. The good-bad kind of bad. You know?
You don’t want to mess with them.
DRAGA: Who are these mortals? A hex on all of you!
CHARLEY: They were off to see some crazy band of theirs in an
underground club.
SID: (To CHARLEY.) They’re called The Summoners, and obviously
you’ve never heard of them. But they rock. Hard.
DRAGA: Sid. Must you burden us all with your banal fascination with
the music of the living?
SID: Forgive me, my dark mistress. You like them, too.
DRAGA: Your point is moot, and your eye shadow is running.
SID: So is yours.
CHARLEY: Punk. Rock.
DRAGA: I’m a goth. (JANE ENTERS and stands unnoticed behind the
others.)
CHARLEY: Right. That, too. Anyway, so then, there we were—
MIKE: Hey, you forgot her. (Points toward the back of the CROWD where
JANE stands quietly.)
CHARLEY: Oh. I almost forgot Jane.
JANE: Hi.
CHARLEY: Jane didn’t say much. (To JANE.) Where are you going,
Jane?
JANE: Oh, I don’t know really.
CHARLEY: But I could tell there was something really good about her.
Just good.
JANE: Thank you.
CHARLEY: So! That was our company. The brave pilgrims on their way
to the shining city!
SCARLET: Uggh! It’s cold! And my dress is getting soaked!
WARREN: You want to share our umbrella?
EVANGELINE: Warren! Not her!
WARREN: Why not? Let’s be charitable, angel.
EVANGELINE: Oh, fine.
SCARLET: No, that’s quite all right. I don’t need a man to protect me.
MIKE: You want to stand under my shoulder pads? (GILL holds them
up.)
SCARLET: (To MIKE.) Well, hello, handsome! (Stands under the shoulder
pads.)
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CHARLEY: Granted, it was raining… but then… out of nowhere, salvation!
BAILEY: (Shuffles ONSTAGE sullenly, keys dangling at her side.) Nobody’s home. Nobody’s ever home. No one to talk to. No one to— (Walks to the CURTAIN and faces it as if she’s about to unlock her front door when she notices all of the people outside her house.) Hey. Hey! What are all you guys doing here?
CHARLEY: Just waiting for the bus, you know.BAILEY: When’s it coming?CHARLEY: In awhile.BAILEY: And you’re just going to wait out there in the rain?CHARLEY: Yup.BAILEY: You guys want to come inside?CHARLEY: All of us? Your parents won’t mind?BAILEY: They’re never home. No worries. Come on inside and get
warm, everybody.MIKE: As the natural leader here, I suggest we all head inside. Come
on, Gill. Scarlet?SCARLET: I’m two steps ahead of you, Mikey! (The TRAVELERS “head
into the house” as the CURTAIN OPENS.)End of Scene One
Scene TwoLIGHTS UP FULL: Bailey’s living room. The TRAVELERS ENTER and find places to sit on the couch, chairs and floor.BAILEY: So… welcome to my humble abode. Can I get anybody
anything to eat? Drink?DRAGA: Blood?MIKE: Protein shake?BAILEY: Umm… sorry, we’re fresh out. Of both.GILL: I could whip up some great water!MIKE: Gill’s got a real way with water.CHARLEY: Wow, really? Cool!SID: You are easily impressed, aren’t you?CHARLEY: What do you mean?SCARLET: I’m bored. Mikey, darling… entertain us.MIKE: (False modesty.) Me?EVANGELINE: I would read passages from my favorite self-help books,
but I really shouldn’t talk too much because it’ll dry out my mouth,
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and then I’ll have this raspy voice and… ugggh, it would just be unpleasant.
WARREN: Well, then, maybe you shouldn’t talk at all, angel?EVANGELINE: What was that, puppy-wuppy?WARREN: Nothing, love.BAILEY: Well… if we’re bored, maybe to pass the time we could…
ummm… we could each tell a story!CHARLEY: Oh! Stories! I love stories!SID: I’m shocked.MIKE: Well, I mean, I’ve got some good yarns to spin. Right, Gill?GILL: You sure do, Mike-o.MIKE: I told you not to call me that in front of others.GILL: Right. Sorry.MIKE: But, I mean, my stories, honestly, are probably a lot better than
everybody else’s… I mean, not to be rude or anything.DRAGA: Sounds like a challenge, meat-sack.SCARLET: Maybe it is, Morticia. I bet I could tell a better story than
you.DRAGA: Prove it.CHARLEY: Wow! This is exciting! Isn’t this exciting, Jane?JANE: Ummm… I don’t really feel comfortable…BAILEY: I have an idea of what we can do.EVANGELINE: Have a beauty pageant?BAILEY: Ummm, no… actually, I was going to say let’s have a storytelling
contest.MIKE: Hmmm… I like contests.SID: This one doesn’t involve running into people. Think you can
handle it?GILL: Mike’s up to anything.SCARLET: And so am I.WARREN: I’m in.EVANGELINE: Warren, competition is not pretty. Or something Daddy
would approve of.WARREN: Sorry. I’m out.EVANGELINE: But… I’m bored, too, so…WARREN: We’re in.DRAGA: I’ve got a few good ones up my sleeve. A few tales so
frightening that you’ll wet your pants.
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SID: She does. Trust me.CHARLEY: Well, this sounds great, Bailey. How will it work? What’s
the prize?BAILEY: I guess I’ll judge since it’s my house. And the prize is…
ummm… a secret. But… it’s a good one. Jane, you in?JANE: I don’t know…BAILEY: You’ll be fine. Let’s get started then. Mike, why don’t you start
us off?SCARLET: Why does he get to start? ’Cause he’s a man?MIKE: Scarlet?BAILEY: No. Because he’s sitting closest to me, so I just sort of…
arbitrarily…GILL: Mike should go first. He’s the best. Mike, tell them the one
about—MIKE: I got it, I got it, Gill, okay? Okay, so—SID: Just make sure it’s not about football. Try something original for
a change.MIKE: Yeah… well… ummmm… actually it happens to be about…
ummm… baseball.DRAGA: Brilliant.MIKE: Yeah. So, ummm… there was this amazing, undefeated
baseball coach, (SID rolls his eyes.) and his name was Thurgood. (THURGOOD ENTERS the DOWNSTAGE STORY AREA.)
THURGOOD: There’s nobody better than me.MIKE: But, although nobody had ever defeated Thurgood, he needed
to stay that way, which meant he needed the very best players on his team. (ARCHIE and PAUL ENTER.) There were these two guys—the best players in the world—who Thurgood just had to get. Their names were Archie and Paul. Archie and Paul were best friends, almost like brothers, and they played for Thurgood’s biggest rival, and even though their team lost to his every time, they were very loyal to their team and hated Thurgood’s team with a passion. But one day…
THURGOOD: (Crosses to ARCHIE and PAUL.) Hi there, boys.ARCHIE: Well, if it isn’t old Thurgood.PAUL: Take a hike, old man.THURGOOD: Sorry, boys. Guess what? (Holds up a contract.) Just
bought your contracts. You’re gonna come play for me.ARCHIE: But… that’s not fair. We didn’t agree to that!THURGOOD: That’s life, boys. Too bad.
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MIKE: So, Thurgood took the boys onto his team. But they were very unhappy, and they had a plan.
PAUL: Hey, Archie! I’ve got a plan!ARCHIE: What’s that?PAUL: We’ll just play crummy! Mess up Thurgood’s games! Then he’ll
trade us back to our old team!ARCHIE: Great idea!MIKE: But Thurgood was smarter than that. The minute the boys
started to try to throw games, Thurgood just stuck them on the bench.
THURGOOD: You boys thought I’d trade you back, huh? No dice. I don’t need you to play. I’ve still got the best team in the league. And now, the best players in the league are no longer out there messing it up for me, either on another team or on my own. See you around, boys!
MIKE: So Archie and Paul did nothing but warm the bench. Until one day, that is. (EMILY ENTERS, eating from a box of Cracker Jacks.)
PAUL: (On the bench, looking through a pair of binoculars.) Wow!ARCHIE: What? You see something?PAUL: Wow!ARCHIE: Lemme see! (Grabs the binoculars.) Wow!PAUL: She’s mine. I saw her first. She’s mine!ARCHIE: I’ll impress her more, though. Watch this! Hey, coach! Hey,
coach! Put me in!MIKE: So Thurgood put them both in. And they started playing the best
baseball of their lives, all to impress the girl in the stands. And then… one day… they met her.
EMILY: Hi.ARCHIE: Hi!PAUL: (Pushes ARCHIE out of the way.) Hi there!EMILY: You guys are great! I’ve been watching all season. My name’s
Emily. I’m so glad you joined my dad’s team!ARCHIE: Your dad?PAUL: Your who?EMILY: My dad.THURGOOD: Emily! Where are you? Oh! Emily, I see you’ve met Archie
and Paul. Stay away from them. They’re jerks.MIKE: Then, the word came. Thurgood, in an effort to keep the boys
away from his daughter, had changed his plan.
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THURGOOD: Boys. I decided I really don’t like you. I’m trading you each to a different team. How do you like them apples?
MIKE: And he traded them. And they didn’t see each other or the beautiful Emily for several years. But both of them were very lovesick, and so eventually they could stand it no longer. Each one would try to meet up with Emily again, though each in a different, devious way.
ARCHIE: (Puts on a fake beard, grabs a cane and walks over to EMILY.) Hello, young lady. We’ve never met. I am not a baseball player named Archie who used to play for your father.
MIKE: But either Thurgood or the other man would always get in the way.
THURGOOD: Oh, no you don’t, Archie.PAUL: Oh, no you don’t, Archie. (Attacks ARCHIE. They fight for a
while.)MIKE: One day, a fight like this one broke out between the two players
at the all-star game. Thurgood, by now the commissioner of the league, tried to break it up and couldn’t. Finally he said…
THURGOOD: All right, you two, that’s it. I’m kicking you out of the league.
ARCHIE: What? No!PAUL: Thurgood, how can you do this?EMILY: Dad, no. Wait!THURGOOD: No, honey, I’m gonna do it.EMILY: No, you can’t just kick them out of the league. They’re the best.
And they don’t deserve it just because they’re fighting over me.THURGOOD: You love one of them?EMILY: Well, actually, I didn’t say…THURGOOD: Okay… I see. I know what to do. Gentlemen, I have a
solution. In one week’s time, you will return to this stadium, each bringing your respective teams, and you will play a baseball game. The winner will receive my daughter’s hand in marriage. How’s that sound?
EMILY: But, Daddy, that’s a terrible idea.THURGOOD: Thanks, sweetheart.MIKE: So the boys accepted the challenge, as did their teams, and
they went off to prepare. The night before the big game, the three of them each saw the same shooting star in the night sky and made a wish.
PAUL: I love her so much. Let me be with her!
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ARCHIE: I’ve got to win. Let me defeat Paul!EMILY: I’m not the least bit interested in either of them. I’m in love
with the bat-boy! Let me not marry either of them!MIKE: And each of them saw the same sign—a brilliant little twinkle—
so they each assumed that it meant a positive response.PAUL: Oh, good!ARCHIE: Yes! I win!EMILY: Thank heavens!MIKE: So on the day of the big game, this is how it all went down.
In the top of the ninth, Archie’s team was in the lead, and Archie stepped up to bat. But the first pitch caught him in the back of the head and knocked him flat on his back, dead as a doornail.
PAUL: Archie!EMILY: Archie!THURGOOD: Oh, well. Guess it’s the other one, then.PAUL: I can’t possibly accept this. I can’t marry you, Emily. Archie, my
best friend in the whole world is dead! And it’s kind of my fault.EMILY: Oh, I feel terrible. Even though I never wanted any of this to
happen, I can’t help but feel slightly responsible.MIKE: So, Archie’s team won the game, Emily married the bat-boy,
and, last but not least, Paul became great friends with Emily and her husband, as the tragedy of Archie’s death brought them closer together. Thurgood was also happy, since he had always liked the bat-boy.
THURGOOD: He’s a good kid, that bat-boy.MIKE: The end. (THURGOOD, EMILY, PAUL and ARCHIE EXIT.)CHARLEY: Wow! What a good story!MIKE: Thanks.GILL: Mike sure is the best, isn’t he? I like the part about the bat-
boy.MIKE: I know, Gill. Put that in for you. I mean, we all know that would
never really happen. Right? (Laughs.)BAILEY: Well, I enjoyed it. So, who’s up next? Evangeline? Warren?SCARLET: I’m next. That story was the biggest crock I’ve ever heard.MIKE: Scarlet! Babe! I thought we had something going!SCARLET: That was before you told that chauvinistis pile of plop.MIKE: Show-of-a-what?GILL: She’s saying you’re sexist!
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SCARLET: That poor girl had no part in deciding her fate. It was all up to the men. Blahdeeblahdeeblah! Well, I’ll show you. Here’s my story…
MIKE: But it all worked out. She didn’t have to marry—SCARLET: Why’d she have to marry anybody at all? Ugh! Anyway… like
I said, here’s my story. And it’ll be a lot better than yours. Once upon a time—
DRAGA: Once upon a time? (Groans.)SCARLET: Shut it, Elvira! Anyway, as I was saying… Once upon a time
in a far off land, there lived a tribe of proud, noble warrior women who lived under the rule of a great queen.
QUEEN: (ENTERS.) Greetings, my sisters! It is I, your queen!SCARLET: But one day, an arrogant young explorer—a man, of course,
from one of those countries where the men were in charge—one day, he showed up and started snooping around.
EXPLORER: (ENTERS.) What ho? I do say! What a strange country this is!
SCARLET: And there were many beautiful women in this land, and of course, the pig explorer decided to take one home and make her his wife, like so many of those pig explorers did.
EXPLORER: (Talks to unseen woman OFFSTAGE.) Come along then, my dear! (Throws a net OFFSTAGE.) Jolly good! Got one!
SCARLET: But the powerful and resourceful queen sent her guards out, and they caught him and brought him before her.
QUEEN: And what do you have to say for yourself, man?EXPLORER: Terribly sorry, ma’am. Won’t happen again.QUEEN: You’re darn right it won’t. Off with his head!SCARLET: But just when they were about to chop off his head, a very
ugly old woman rose up out of the crowd of spectators.OLD WOMAN: (ENTERS.) Wait, Your Majesty!QUEEN: What is it, old woman?EXPLORER: Do tell!OLD WOMAN: Your Majesty, I am an old woman and have never been
much to look at.QUEEN: No, that’s true. I’ve seen the pictures.OLD WOMAN: Well, anyway, though we live in a society of warrior
women, we do take husbands from the other villages from time to time.
QUEEN: Yes. I know all this. Get to the point and speak more quickly. You are very difficult to look at for extended periods of time.
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EXPLORER: You can say that again.OLD WOMAN: Well, anyway, I thought that maybe instead of killing
this handsome young man, you might allow him to live… as my husband.
QUEEN: Well, you’re really unpleasant, so that would kind of be like a fate worse than death, huh?
OLD WOMAN: Darn tootin’!QUEEN: Sounds good to me!EXPLORER: You know, I think actually I would rather like to have my
head cut off today, if you don’t mind!QUEEN: Oh, no, buddy! This is too good!OLD WOMAN: Come along, dearie! Let’s get to the chapel!SCARLET: So the old woman and the explorer were married, and she
took him back to her house, where he promptly hid himself in the attic for several weeks until at last he was starving.
OLD WOMAN: Come downstairs, hubby, and I’ll give you some dinner, assuming you’re willing to give me a foot massage.
EXPLORER: So hungry! So terribly, terribly hungry! Oh, all right! (Crossesto OLD WOMAN, who sits down and takes her shoes off. He kneels to give her a foot massage but finds it very difficult to do so.)
OLD WOMAN: Come on, sonny. (Smiles as he reluctantly rubs her feet.) That’s a good boy. Now, kiss ’em!
EXPLORER: Pardon me?OLD WOMAN: Kiss my feet!EXPLORER: No. No. I couldn’t possibly. They’re too repugnant. I think
the smell would kill me.OLD WOMAN: What if I told you that if you kissed my feet I would turn
into a beautiful young lady?EXPLORER: I wouldn’t believe you.OLD WOMAN: Suit yourself. Keep rubbin’.SCARLET: So each day, the explorer would rub the old woman’s feet,
and each day she would ask him to kiss them, and each day, he would refuse, and each day she would tell him that if he did she would turn into a beautiful young lady, and each day he refused to believe her. But gradually, his nerves began to wear thin, until finally he said …
EXPLORER: All right. All right, already! In the name of all that is good and decent in the world, I will kiss your disgusting rotten feet. (Kisses her feet and instantly passes out.)
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SCARLET: Well, the smell was so strong that it almost killed him, but he was just out for a few days. When he finally came to, he was surprised to find something he had never expected. (OLD WOMAN has become a beautiful young lady.)
EXPLORER: Who are you?OLD WOMAN: Your wife.EXPLORER: Get out of town! Prove it.OLD WOMAN: Remember that birthmark on my foot?EXPLORER: How could I forget it? I’ve seen nothing but my wife’s
nasty old feet day in and day out for I don’t know how long.OLD WOMAN: Well, take a look.EXPLORER: (Kneels and examines her feet.) By gum! You have the
same birthmark! So… you’re really her?OLD WOMAN: You betcha! Now, get rubbing! (EXPLORER begins to rub
her feet with gusto.)SCARLET: And he rubbed her feet whenever she wanted and did lots
of other chores and stuff. Pretty much anything she asked. And they lived happily ever after and all that garbage. The end. (OLDWOMAN and EXPLORER EXIT. There is silence for a moment.)
SID: I mean… I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but… if that was supposed to be like a feminist story or something… ummm… why does the old lady have to be young and beautiful at the end in order for the guy to stick around and be happy? I’m just asking. Wouldn’t it be better if she doesn’t need youth and beauty to—
SCARLET: Yeah? Well, she wanted to be young and beautiful just because she did. It was her own thing, okay? Lay off.
SID: Sure, whatever. Just saying—SCARLET: Yeah? Well, I’d like to see you tell a better one, ’k?BAILEY: Sid, do you want to go?SID: Umm, sure… let me see…EVANGELINE: I have one!SID: Well, I was just gonna—EVANGELINE: Okay, so, here it goes—DRAGA: Hey, Promzilla, he was gonna—EVANGELINE: (Very shrill. Yells.) I have a story and I’m gonna tell it!!!!
(Silence.) Okay! Super! So, once upon a time there was a little girl. She was the most beautiful little girl in the whole wide world. (LITTLE GIRL ENTERS.) She was an excellent ballerina. (LITTLE GIRL twirls around.) And she had the most beautiful singing voice you’d ever heard. (LITTLE GIRL sings something.) And she had a wonderful
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mother, who was the best mother in the whole wide world! (MOTHER ENTERS, hugs LITTLE GIRL and sits down with her. MOTHER opens up a book.) And the little girl’s mother was a very smart lady, and so the little girl would ask her mother questions all about everything, and her mother would explain things to her. For example…
LITTLE GIRL: Mommy? Why is there day and night?MOTHER: Well, you see, dear, that’s because sometimes the sun runs
out of gas, just like our SUV, so it has to go under ground at night to find some more.
EVANGELINE: And…LITTLE GIRL: Why is the grass green?MOTHER: Oh, honey! That’s because the cows paint it green every
night, because they like eating green things more than any other color!
LITTLE GIRL: Oh!EVANGELINE: And the little girl and her mother lived very happily
together like this, until the little girl had to go to school. Now, school was a very, very, very bad place. Everybody there was mean and ugly. They had disproportionate features, greasy hair, bad skin and stinky breath. And the worst of them all was the science teacher.
SCIENCE TEACHER: (ENTERS.) Today, class, we’re going to talk about the rotation of the Earth on its axis. This is how we have night and day.
LITTLE GIRL: (Raises her hand.) Ummm… no. You’re wrong.SCIENCE TEACHER: No, I’m sorry, young lady. This is the truth. And
it’s very exciting. Now—EVANGELINE: And the evil old science teacher—and in fact, most of
the wicked, ugly people at the school—persisted. They wouldn’t listen to the beautiful little girl. They tried to make her believe all kinds of awful things about gravity and chlorophyll. But, when the little girl told her mother, her mother had a plan.
MOTHER: Don’t worry. I’m on the board of education. (Picks up the phone and dials, then waits.) Yes, Mr. Superintendent? (Pause.) Yes. I’d like you to fire all the teachers at the school. (Pause.) Yes. I’ll see to hiring new ones. Thank you! (Hangs up.) All better!
POLICE OFFICER: (ENTERS and drags the shocked SCIENCE TEACHER OFFSTAGE.) All right, come along, then. It’s the chair for you!
EVANGELINE: And they all lived happily ever after. Well, except the wicked, ugly teachers, who were promptly executed. The end. (MOTHER and LITTLE GIRL EXIT. Long, stunned silence.)
CHARLEY: Umm… that was… that was great. Nice story.
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DRAGA: You frighten me.EVANGELINE: You have a pimple.BAILEY: Okay, well, anyway, that was nice. Moving on. Sid, you ready?SID: Actually, I think Draga’s going to start this off.WARREN: Wait. I have a story to tell. I think it’s important that it come
directly after my little angel’s!EVANGELINE: Oh, Warren! How sweet!WARREN: Yeah. Sweet. Right. Anyway, does anybody mind if I go?DRAGA: No. Actually, I’m intrigued. Do tell.CHARLEY: Sounds like you’ve got a great one to tell.BAILEY: It’s fine by me.WARREN: Wonderful. Well, here goes. This story’s got some silly things
in it, but try to keep in mind, it’s actually a very serious tale. It’s just that sometimes we have to say things in unusual ways in order to really get out what we mean. Do you know what I’m saying?
EVANGELINE: No.WARREN: Anybody else?MIKE: Like talking in secret code?WARREN: Umm… kind of.SID: Metaphor.WARREN: Yes. Thank you. Anyway, so keep in mind—some of this is a
little silly, but… it’s got a point.MIKE: Well, then get to it.GILL: Yeah! Get to it!MIKE: Gill, that was rude. Don’t do that.GILL: But...WARREN: Anyway, here goes. (Clears his throat.) There once was a
rooster named Chanticleer. (CHANTICLEER ENTERS, looking very silly.)
EVANGELINE: Ha! Oh, Warren! You are silly!WARREN: Shut up! I mean, let me tell the story, my beautiful angel.
So, Chanticleer was a rooster, and he was an exceptional rooster. He was smart and in excellent physical shape and had lovely plumage, and he had the most excellent crow you’d ever heard, clear as a bell. (CHANTICLEER crows.) It was really more like poetry than a crow.
CHANTICLEER: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?Thou art more lovely and more temperate.”
WARREN: Chanticleer had one weakness, however.
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CHANTICLEER: I’m lonely.WARREN: He belonged to an old lady who kept him more for amusement
than anything else. She was very poor and didn’t own any other roosters or hens or chickens of any kind, and even though they had each other, she understood that Chanticleer wanted friends who were like him, and most importantly, that he wanted someone to love. So, since she couldn’t afford to buy any other animals, she made one.
OLD LADY: (ENTERS with a fake hen and places it next to CHANTICLEER.) There you go, Chanticleer! Meet your new friend, Myrtle!
WARREN: And, because Chanticleer was so lonely, so desperate for companionship—for love—and because the old lady really had made Myrtle quite beautiful, he believed that she was real.
CHANTICLEER: Hello, Myrtle. (Pause.)OLD LADY: Well, I’ll leave and let you two get better acquainted.
(EXITS.)CHANTICLEER: You’re beautiful, you know that? (Long pause.) Quiet
type, huh? That’s all right. (Pause.)“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?Thou art more lovely and more temperate.”
WARREN: And Chanticleer promptly fell in love. He talked to Myrtle day in and day out, stopping only to eat.
CHANTICLEER: Oooh! Oooh! This is a good one!“Let me not to the marriage of true mindsAdmit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds,Or bends with the remover to remove.”Do you like this one? Myrtle?
WARREN: Because Myrtle never moved, neither did Chanticleer. And soon he got very fat from his sedentary lifestyle, and, since he recited poetry incessantly to Myrtle, he lost the beautiful voice he once had.
CHANTICLEER: (Very scratchy.)“If this be error and upon me proved,I never writ, nor no man… or rooster… ever loved.”
WARREN: And one day, the old lady came out to Chanticleer’s shed where he’d been cooped up talking to Myrtle for months. (OLDLADY ENTERS with an axe.) And, seeing that Chanticleer had gotten nice and plump, and since she was poor and very hungry, she chopped off his head and boiled him for dinner. That had actually been her plan all along. (OLD LADY, CHANTICLEER and MYRTLE EXIT.) The end.
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EVANGELINE: Warren! That was a horrible story!DRAGA: I kind of liked it.SID: Me, too.MIKE: Not a whole lot happened. A lot of sitting around reciting poetry.
Who wants that?SCARLET: I thought it was rather beautiful. (Moves and sits next to
WARREN.) I didn’t know you knew all that poetry. That’s cute!EVANGELINE: What a stupid rooster, Warren!WARREN: Yes. He was a very stupid rooster.EVANGELINE: He should have wised up, then he’d still have his life.WARREN: You hit it right on the head.GILL: Hey! You know how you said that thing about things meaning
other things, and—WARREN: (Interrupts.) So, who’s telling the next story, huh?BAILEY: A good suggestion.DRAGA: I think Sid and I are finally ready. We’re gonna tell one together.
One that’ll really get you.MIKE: Yeah, sure.CHARLEY: I can’t wait! Go ahead, guys!DRAGA: Okay. Well, it all begins with these three girls. (COREY, TORI
and LORI ENTER.)SID: Kind of your run-of-the mill, rule-the-school, mean-girl types. You
know?DRAGA: And their names may have been something generic like—COREY: Corey.TORI: Tori.LORI: And Lori.SID: Or whatever.DRAGA: Anyway, like we said, these girls ruled the school, you know?
And it showed.SID: They were incredibly unpleasant people.COREY: Did you see what Sarah was wearing today?TORI: Yeah, just ’cause she’s blind she thinks she can get away with
wearing the same shoes as me? Uggh!LORI: I don’t know what to do. I think my goldfish is getting fat.COREY: You have a goldfish?TORI: Dork.
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DRAGA: And the thing they loved to do most in the world was to spend money.
SID: Generally other people’s money, like their parents’.LORI: Look! My new bag! It only cost $8,000!TORI: What a steal!SID: So, they were pretty greedy, and in fact, when their parents ran
out of money to fuel their shopping addiction, they had to resort to crime in order to continue living the high life.
COREY: So, here’s the plan, ladies! We gather information on everybody we can and blackmail them for all they’re worth!
TORI: So hot!LORI: Yeah… super hot!COREY: (To LORI.) That’s the best you can do?LORI: What?TORI: (To LORI.) You are absolutely wretched.LORI: What?DRAGA: So their plan was working pretty well. They would dig up dirt
on people at school and then suck them dry of all their cash. But people started to get sick of it, and so finally someone did something about it. (DEIRDRE ENTERS.)
SID: Her name was Deirdre, and she was a highly skilled practicing witch.
DEIRDRE: Hey, Corey. Tori. Lori.COREY: What do you want, freak?TORI: You want to cast some spells on us or something?LORI: Freak!TORI: Be quiet.LORI: Okay.DEIRDRE: Listen, I actually came here to help you guys out.COREY: Oh, yeah?DEIRDRE: Yeah. Look, I know you probably won’t believe me when I tell
you this, but, you see… the other night I was running a séance. You ladies know what that is?
TORI: You mean like messing around with a Ouija board?DEIRDRE: In a manner of speaking, yes.COREY: What a dork!DEIRDRE: Listen, I think you’ll be interested.LORI: Okay, let’s hear it then.
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DEIRDRE: Anyway, my sisters in the coven and I, we managed to bring back the spirit of an old pirate who used to roam the seas around these parts. And he told me about a treasure of his that’s buried around here.
COREY: This sounds like a real load. Why are you telling us this, freak?
DEIRDRE: Look, I know how you’ve been robbing people blind, and I didn’t want to be next on the list, so I figured I’d help you get money a different way. The treasure is reported to be worth millions… if you can get around the curse.
LORI: The curse?TORI: Oh, this is so stupid!DEIRDRE: They say that Death himself guards the treasure!LORI: Oh!COREY: Ooooh. Scary. Okay, thanks a lot, weirdo. We’ll see you around.
(DEIRDRE EXITS.)DRAGA: So they parted ways, and Deirdre’s plan went into action.LORI: We’re not going to go try to find that treasure, are we?TORI: Of course not. There is no treasure, idiot!COREY: No. But that girl makes me angry. How dare she waste my
time with her witchy trash. She’s next on the list. We’re going to her house tonight to find out how we can blackmail her.
SID: So they headed out that night for Deirdre’s, but just as they got to her front walk, somebody got in their way.
PIRATE: (Jumps IN and stands before them.) Avast, me hearties!COREY: What?PIRATE: Avast! Where go ye?TORI: We’re going to go get some info on the girl who lives in this
house so we can blackmail her. Out of my way, old man!PIRATE: Don’t ye know who I be?LORI: Shiver me timbers! You’re the pirate ghost!PIRATE: That I be!COREY: What? So, you’re real?PIRATE: Right ye be, lassie!TORI: Wait, does that mean your treasure’s real, too?PIRATE: Indeed it do, and not only that, but tonight, now that I be out
and about, it be raised from the ground. It sits there under yonder tree. (Points.) Go look, if ye dare. But be forewarned. Death lies in wait guarding me treasure.
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COREY: Yeah, okay. Let’s go take a look. (PIRATE EXITS and COREY, TORI and LORI go to look for the treasure. They find a huge wooden chest filled with treasure.)
TORI: Wow! It’s really here!LORI: Think of all the bags I can buy!COREY: We’ll split it up evenly three ways. We’ll each be millionaires!
Okay, let’s pick it up and get it out of here. (Tries to lift the chest with TORI and LORI, but it’s too heavy.)
TORI: It’s too heavy!LORI: What do we do?COREY: Okay. Here’s my idea. Lori, since you’re the one we kick
around, you’re going to go get us some tools or something and go get your car and help us get this treasure out of here. Tori and I will guard it. ‘K?
LORI: Okay.COREY: Oh. And Lori, get us some bottled waters or something. I’m
thirsty.LORI: Sure thing. Be back in a sec! (EXITS. COREY and TORI sit down
by the treasure to wait.)DRAGA: So they sat and waited for Lori to come back.SID: But then Tori spotted something in the treasure chest.TORI: (Picks up a sword.) Hey, wow! Look at this!COREY: Huh? Oh. A sword. Yay.TORI: A real pirate sword. How many people do you think this sword
killed?COREY: Killed? Hmmm… I don’t know. A lot. (Pause.) Hey, Tor?TORI: Yeah?COREY: I’ve got kind of a crazy idea.TORI: What’s that?COREY: What if we killed Lori and took the treasure just for the two of
us? Then we’d each have a lot more.TORI: Are you serious?!COREY: No. (Long pause. TORI begins playing with the sword, pretend
fighting with it.) What are you doing, loser?TORI: I don’t know. I think it’s kind of cool. (Continues to “fight.”)LORI: (RE-ENTERS jangling her car keys and carrying two bottles of
water.) Hi, guys! (TORI’S back is to her as she approaches. As she gets closer, TORI wheels around, still playing, and accidentally stabs LORI in the gut.) Ow!
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TORI: Oh, no! What? (LORI falls down.)LORI: That, like, really hurt! Why’d you do… (Dies dramatically.)TORI: Oh, no! I killed Lori!COREY: Hmmm... (Pause.) Well, I guess that’s just more treasure for
us, huh?TORI: I guess you’re right. Yeah. Cool.COREY: Get her car keys. (TORI turns to get the keys. COREY grabs the
sword and stabs her in the back.)TORI: Hey! How could— ? (Dies dramatically.)COREY: Loser. Now there’s even more for me. (Grabs one of the water
bottles.) Whew! Killing your best friends can really make a girl thirsty. Cheers! (Drinks.)
DRAGA: But, you see, the problem was, they had always treated Lori very badly, and that night, she had finally snapped. Knowing that she could get all the treasure for herself if she wanted, she had slipped poison into the water bottles. (COREY collapses.)
SID: The end.EVANGELINE: That was horrible!SCARLET: I kind of liked it. They all got what they deserved!MIKE: They weren’t that bad. They didn’t deserve that!GILL: Actually, Mike, they were pretty bad.EVANGELINE: I can’t believe that we’re even discussing this. That
story was just… just… horrible!DRAGA: Glad you enjoyed. Warren, what’d you think?WARREN: Umm… I thought it was kind of fun.EVANGELINE: Warren, how could you?WARREN: Oh, go jump in a lake.EVANGELINE: Well! I never! (Leaps up and storms OFFSTAGE.)WARREN: (Starts to follow her.) Oh, come on, angel! I was just kidding!
(Stops, reflecting on his change of heart.) Oh, forget you!CHARLEY: Hey! Look! The sky’s clearing up. It’s stopped raining!SID: How long until the bus comes?DRAGA: Who knows?SCARLET: Well, we’d better get outside then. Come on, Mikey.MIKE: All right! Come on, Gill. To Becket Stadium!GILL: Mike, I really think we need to look at a map.MIKE: Oh, be quiet Gill. (He, GILL and SCARLET EXIT.)DRAGA: Okay, let’s get to the concert.
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SID: Sweet.
WARREN: You mind if I tag along?
SID: You?
WARREN: Yeah.
DRAGA: You’re gonna need some different clothes.
SID: I’ve got something he can borrow.
WARREN: Thanks, guys. (He, DRAGA and SID EXIT.)
CHARLEY: Hey, wait! Can I tag along with somebody? (Just as CHARLEY
is about to exit, BAILEY calls out.)
BAILEY: Hey! We haven’t heard Jane’s story. Or yours for that matter.
CHARLEY: Oh. But, I want to go hang out with all of them. Go see the
city.
BAILEY: Don’t you want to finish the contest?
JANE: It’s okay, really. I don’t need to—
BAILEY: No, come on, Jane, tell us your story. Stay, Charley. Won’t you
stay?
CHARLEY: Well, okay. The bus isn’t here just yet.
BAILEY: Go ahead, Jane. Tell us your story.
CHARLEY: Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
JANE: Well, umm… to be honest… it isn’t much of a story.
BAILEY: Go ahead.
JANE: Okay. Well, it goes like this. Once there was a girl. And she lived
in a big old house with her family—her parents and her much older
brothers and sisters. They didn’t have any pets, though. And the
thing about this girl’s family is that they were never around. They
worked very hard or something, and so they were never home. And
for some strange reason, even though she was a very nice girl, she
never had many friends, so she was very lonely and would sit in her
house every day and feel very sad. But, one day, she was walking
home and she happened upon a bunch of strangers outside her
house. Now, all of these strangers were on a journey, but not one
of them was on the same journey. Even the ones who thought they
were together, really weren’t. They were all looking for something or
trying to get somewhere different for their own reasons, not really
watching out for anybody else. But the lonely girl invited them all
into her house and got them all to sit and talk, and she learned a
lot about them by hearing their stories. But they didn’t care much.
They just liked hearing the sound of their own voices. They weren’t
interested in each other or in the lonely girl, and so, they all left
and went on their separate journeys together. All except one. There
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was one among the strangers, who, while sitting there listening, realized what was happening, and she realized that she hadn’t even known what she was looking for before, but that now she had found it. And so she stayed with the lonely girl, and the lonely girl wasn’t lonely anymore.
BAILEY: That was a nice story.JANE: Thank you.CHARLEY: A very nice story. But… there’s one problem with it.BAILEY: What’s that?CHARLEY: There were two girls who stayed behind. (Crosses and sits
back down with BAILEY and JANE.)BAILEY: Charley, do you have a story?CHARLEY: Yeah, I could tell it. But, I think Jane already won the
contest. (LIGHTS DIM to BLACKOUT.)END OF PLAY
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PRODUCTION NOTES
PROPERTIES
BROUGHT ON, Scene One:
Sports bag with football shoulder pads, etc. (GILL)
Cell phone (SCARLET)
Umbrella (WARREN)
BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:
Contract (THURGOOD)
Box of Cracker Jacks (EMILY)
Binoculars, baseball bat, glove (PAUL)
Fake beard, cane, baseball bat, glove (ARCHIE)
Giant net (EXPLORER)
Book, phone (MOTHER)
Fake hen, axe (OLD LADY)
Wooden chest with treasure and sword (COREY, TORI, LORI,
PIRATE)
Two bottles of water, car keys (LORI)
NOTE: Props brought on in Scene Two may either be carried on or
already onstage, placed in trunks or hung from coat racks that are
DOWNSTAGE. (See Author’s Note at front of playbook.)
SOUND EFFECTS
Bus pulling away, thunder, rainstorm.
FLEXIBLE CASTING
The Southfield Stories was written with maximum flexibility in mind in
regards to casting. The cast is divided into two groups: “The Travelers”
and “The Characters.” The travelers remain onstage for the duration of
the play and ought not to be double cast. They are composed of four
male roles (MIKE, GILL, WARREN and SID), four female roles (SCARLET,
EVANGELINE, DRAGA and JANE) and two gender-neutral roles (CHARLEY
and BAILEY). Female pronouns are used for these two gender-neutral
roles, but they need not be heeded.
The 18 story “characters” can be played by a minimum of seven actors
(three male, four female). The SCIENCE TEACHER and the POLICE
OFFICER can be either gender.
COSTUMING
While the costuming can be quite simple to pull together from items
at home, don’t discount the importance of the costumes, especially
for the travelers. Their apparel, as well as their body language, should
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clearly convey who they are, their station in life and how they feel about themselves. The only specifics are to have SCARLET wear a businesslike dress or suit and EVANGELINE a prom dress.Costuming for the story characters can be quite simple and representative, relying on the imagination of the audience. As suggested in the Author’s Notes, these costume items may even be kept onstage and put on in front of the audience. After all, these characters are merely figures of our imagination.
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A STUDY GUIDE FOR GEOFFREY CHAUCER’S
THE CANTERBURY TALES
By Alec Strum
BACKGROUND: The Canterbury Tales is a long narrative poem, the
most famous work of Geoffrey Chaucer, an English poet from
the late 14th century, considered to be the father of the English
literary canon. Chaucer came from a family of wine merchants.
However, when his father inherited a great deal of land and money
from family members who died in the Black Plague, he was able
to finance his son’s education and Geoffrey—who had learned
several languages and other useful skills—became the employee
of several important nobles and kings of England. It is believed
that he began The Canterbury Tales around 1387 and dedicated
a great deal of time to it after his retirement in 1390. However,
Chaucer never published the poem himself, and it is believed he
considered it incomplete upon his death in 1400.
LANGUAGE AND POETRY: The poem is written in Middle English, an
older variant of the language that, while quite different from our Modern
English, can still be understood by modern readers without further
training. This is in contrast with Old English, the language of the epic
poem Beowulf, which looks essentially like another language entirely
and can only be read in translation or by those who have studied the
language. The poem is composed of several thousand lines, all of
which are rhyming couplets—pairs of lines, one following the other,
whose ends rhyme. Here’s an example:
Whan that Aprill with his shoures sote
The droghte of Marche hath perced to the rote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Which, in Modern English means, roughly and without preserving
the rhyme:
When April with his sweet showers
Has, to the dryness of March, pierced to the root,
And bathed every vein in such moisture,
By power of which engendered is the flower;
This passage consists of the first four lines of the poem, which
appear, in modified form, in Charley’s first speech.
THE STORY: The Canterbury Tales begins at Harry Bailey’s Tabard Inn
in Southwark, just outside of London. The unnamed but jolly narrator
tells of a group of pilgrims from all over England who have gathered
at the inn on their way to the holy shrine of the martyr Saint Thomas
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Becket of Canterbury (perhaps England’s holiest site) in Kent some miles southeast of Southwark. The innkeeper joins the group and decides to hold a storytelling competition to pass the time. Bailey invites each of the 29 pilgrims to tell four stories, two on the way to Canterbury and two on the way back. He will judge who is the best storyteller, and the group will treat the winner to dinner at the inn once they return. Ultimately, though, only 24 of the pilgrims tell their stories, and each of them tells only one, which is one of the reasons many believe the poem was left unfinished. Those who tell their stories each receive a section of the text dedicated specifically to them consisting of a prologue—which gives a more detailed description of their outward appearances, actions and inter-actions with the group—followed by their tale. Chaucer’s work has become so celebrated in the English literary tradition mainly because of the detail and realism he brought to his characters, each of whom reveals through their stories the very truths about themselves that they attempt to hide in their prologues and throughout the action of the poem.
THE CHARACTERS(Those appearing in The Southfield Stories)
THE NARRATOR or THE PILGRIM (CHARLEY JEFFERSON) is the voice which tells the over-arching frame-story of The Canterbury Tales.He is cheerful and optimistic almost to a fault, trying desperately to make friends with everyone he meets. Though sometimes it is hard to tell if his opinions of the other travelers are honest or ironic, he seems to see only the good in people, even when those people are really quite awful. However, the pilgrim’s opinions of his fellow travelers are most definitely not Chaucer’s. Through the naïve descriptions offered by the pilgrim, Chaucer manages to make clear the details which prove to the reader if the character being described is really to be loved or reviled.
HARRY BAILEY (BAILEY HARRISON), usually referred to simply as “the host,” is the keeper of the Tabard Inn in Southwark. He is a large, boisterous man, who, despite his love of merry-making, also has a quick temper. When riled, he occasionally lashes out against those who have angered him with vicious, stinging and clever remarks. This apparent contradiction in his behavior, coupled with his very keen interest in traveling with the pilgrims and holding the storytelling competition, offer a glimpse at the true loneliness that hides under the surface.
THE KNIGHT (MIKE KNIGHTLY) is the first character Chaucer introduces, since he introduces his characters in the order of their social rank. He is the model of Medieval Christian chivalry arrayed in
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handsome armor, having fought in no less than 15 of the crusades
of his era. His tale is a classic tale of courtly love and battle for the
hand of a maiden, set in ancient Greece. Though the narrator and
host appear to admire him enormously, the lushness of Chaucer’s
description suggests that the Knight’s modesty may be a bit of a
show and that despite his alleged bravery in combat, he seems to
fear conflict, as he shies away from it at every turn throughout the
poem.
THE SQUIRE (GILL WHIMPLE) is the knight’s son, a handsome, curly-
headed young man training to be a knight who loves to dance and
court the ladies. His subservient position puts him very much in
his father’s shadow, and he is given little description and even less
dialogue.
THE WIFE OF BATH (SCARLET TANKER) is a woman from the town
of Bath, not the wife of a man of that name. She gets her title,
however, from the fact that she appears to be a bit of a professional
wife, having been married five times. Red-faced, loud-mouthed,
gap-toothed and deaf in one ear, the wife has driven her first
four husbands to an early grave with her domineering attitude
and demand for service and attention. She is not a woman to be
meddled with, riding astride her horse (rather than side-saddle,
customary for women at the time) and frequently traveling great
distances alone, including three pilgrimages to Jerusalem. Her
interest in pilgrimage and the romantic fairy-tale feel of her story
(about an ugly old woman who is transformed into a beautiful
maiden after marrying a handsome knight) indicate that, despite
her cantankerous attitude, she is a romantic at heart, and that love
is the true object of her search.
THE PRIORESS (EVANGELINE PARSONS) is, on the surface, an extremely
pious nun. The narrator describes her as quiet and modest in
the extreme, but he quickly begins to pay close attention to the
manner in which she dresses herself and in which she daintily
eats. It soon becomes clear that she is obsessed with her personal
image, constantly attempting to look beautiful and even to seem
like a member of the court or the nobility. She speaks French, the
language spoken in the courts of the time, but her French is only
a poor imitation of courtly French. Finally, her story—a grotesquely
violent, bloody and bigoted tale—reveals that beneath her modest,
pious exterior lies an incredibly ignorant and intolerant soul.
THE NUN’S PRIEST (WARREN SHLUB) is, unlike many of the storytellers,
not described in the poem’s “General Prologue.” His story, however,
is a famous one and illuminates his character well. The tale of
Chanticleer the rooster seems designed to indicate that the nun’s
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priest, a pious but admittedly imperfect man, resents the prioress, whom he is forced to accompany, and acknowledges her ignorance and hypocrisy. He is clever, witty, self-effacing and subtle.
THE PARDONER (DRAGA NIGHTSHADE) is a shifty and unpleasant character whose job it is to grant papal indulgences—slips of paper with pardons for various sins, allegedly signed by the Pope. He readily acknowledges the corrupt and hypocritical nature of his job (since the papal indulgences were essentially sold to parishioners in exchange for mandatory “charitable donations”), rides in the back of the group and appears sickly, deathlike and strangely feminine, with long thin strands of blond hair and long fingernails. He openly discusses his own greed and the ways in which he cheats and tricks people by selling them indulgences and fake relics (bones of saints and other holy items). When he tries to sell these same phony items to the people to whom he has just confessed, he reveals much about his true nature. These contradictions in his character may be reconciled in his story, in which the same avarice he celebrates in life meets with a very foul end.
THE SUMMONER (SID VISCOUS) is another disreputable lay-official in service of the Church. His job is to bring people guilty of violating Church law before the ecclesiastical (Church) courts. He is drunken, lecherous and hideously ugly, covered in pimples and other skin ailments which Chaucer describes as being totally irremediable. He is the pardoner’s good friend, and the two of them, riding together in the back of the group, sing bawdy love songs, the summoner always taking the low part, the pardoner the high.
THE PARSON (JANE JONES) is one of the very few characters, if not the only character, who proves to be through-and-through a genuinely good person. He is a truly pious and modest country pastor who lives frugally and loves his fellow man. Despite all of Chaucer’s apparent condemnation of the Church through his other hypocritical clergy, the parson suggests that Chaucer was merely condemning the corruption he saw in many figures around him, while exalting the principles of Christian simplicity, charity and kindness as exemplified by the parson.
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