Book by Alec Strum

Music and lyrics by Bill Francoeur

© Copyright 2007, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK

IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the musical2. The full name of the playwright and composer/arranger3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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THE BIG BAD MUSICALA Howling Courtroom Comedy

Book by ALEC STRUMMusic and lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of linesSYDNEY GRIMM ........................young, fl ashy reporter 24

for a cable news channelFAIRY GODMOTHER ...................self-righteous old lawyer 76

with a sweet façadeLITTLE RED RIDING HOOD ..........spoiled brat 14GRANDMOTHER HOOD ..............widow longing for a 23

pampered retirementONE .........................................very stupid pig 15TWO .........................................slightly less stupid pig 13THREE ......................................highly intelligent pig 25BILL WOODCUTTER....................big, affable, self-obsessed, 21

competitive lumberjackSHEPHERD ...............................kind, elderly shepherd 14BOY WHO CRIED WOLF ..............disrespectful little delinquent 18BIG BAD WOLF ..........................a.k.a., Mr. Wolf 18THE WOLFETTES (3)...................Mr. Wolf’s entourage of backup n/a

singersJUDGE WISE OLD MAN ..............doddering old fool 73EVIL STEPMOTHER ....................high-powered, high-priced 100

young lawyerMISS MUFFIT ............................neurotic psychiatrist and wolf 16

expert

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SETTING

Time: Once upon a time…Place: …in a courtroom in the Enchanted Forest.The stage may be set up in whatever way makes the most sense for your space, as long as the audience gets the impression that they are seated where the jury box should be. Whenever characters address the jury, they speak to the audience (who will decide the fate of the defendant).For the audience to get the best perspective, a suggested set design is as follows: The judge’s bench is STAGE LEFT, angled toward the audience. The witness stand and chair are DOWN LEFT, the defendant’s table is RIGHT CENTER and the plaintiffs’ table is DOWNSTAGE of the defendant’s table (staggered just enough so that both tables are in clear view). There are at least 11 chairs set up in the gallery (behind the tables).The STAGE RIGHT entrance is used by all characters except the Judge, who uses the STAGE LEFT entrance.

SET DESIGN:

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

MC 1 Big Bad—Prologue ............................Ensemble (except Wolf)

MC 2 I Got Nothin’ to Say ...........................Wolf, Wolfettes, Little Red, Boy, Chorus

MC 2a Evil Stepmother Entrance Music .........InstrumentalMC 3 No More ...........................................Fairy Godmother,

ChorusMC 3a Commercial Break .............................InstrumentalMC 4 He Huffed and He Puffed ...................One, Two, Three,

ChorusMC 5 I Cried Wolf .......................................Boy, ChorusMC 6 Have Mercy On Me ............................Wolf, Wolfettes,

ChorusMC 7 May All Your Ever-Afters (Ending One) .....................................Grimm, ChorusMC 7a May All Your Ever-Afters (Ending Two) .....................................Grimm, ChorusMC 7b May All Your Ever-Afters (Ending Three) ...................................Grimm, ChorusMC 7c Curtain Call—No More .......................EnsembleMC 7d Optional Choral Finale— May All Your Ever-Afters .....................Ensemble

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THE BIG BAD MUSICAL

MUSIC CUE 1: “Big Bad—Prologue.” After HOUSELIGHTS DOWN, ENSEMBLE [except WOLF] ENTERS LEFT and RIGHT. They move DOWN CENTER. LIGHTS UP DIM.FAIRY GODMOTHER [FGM]: (Sings.)

Once upon a time in a fairy tale,You could take a walk on a moonlit night.

JUDGE: (Sings.)Listen to the sound of a nightingale.

EVIL STEPMOTHER [ES]: (Sings.)Life was good, we did live like a true suburbanite.

ALL: (Sing.) Then he came along like a big dark cloudWaiting in the dark for his chance to pounce.

SHEPHERD: (Sings.) Hovering everywhere like an evil shroud.FGM: (Sings.) He was coy!JUDGE: (Sings.) He was quick!ES: (Sings.) He could bob and he could bounce!ALL: (Sing.)

If he caught you in the woods, he’d devour every ounce! (ENSEMBLE chatters UNDER MUSIC. WOLF’S SHADOW is cast on a back or side wall or silhouetted in DIM LIGHTING.)

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD [RED]: (Sings.)There he is, I can see his shadow!

BOY: (Sings.) There he is, I can see his eyes!THREE: (Sings.) Burning bright in the distant forest!ONE/TWO: (Sing.) Can it be that’s his full size?! (WOLF ENTERS [from

wherever his SHADOW is cast].)ALL: (Sing.) Here he comes like a hungry villain.

Here he comes, and he seems quite mad.Better run! Better hide the children!Beware this fi endish cad.Big Bad! He’s a social disgrace!Big Bad! Such a criminal face!Big Bad must be locked away!Big Bad should be sent to a shrink!Big Bad should be thrown in the clink!Bid Bad has seen his better day!

JUDGE: (Sings.) There he is, I should just arrest him.FGM: (Sings.) Take him straight to the county court.RED: (Sings.) Very soon we could have a trial.

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GRANDMOTHER: (Sings.) Rid the stories of his sort!ALL: (Sing.) Here he comes with his canines clacking!

Better warn every mom and dad.He’s a beast, he’s a ruthless killer.The worst we’ve ever had.Big Bad! Diabolical, yes!Big Bad! He’s maniacal, yes!Big Bad must be locked away!Big Bad should be labeled insane!Big Bad should be captured and slain!Bid Bad has seen his better day!(To WOLF.) You’ve seen your better day!

WOLF: (Matter of factly.) Boo. (The OTHER CHARACTERS run OFF screaming. MUSIC OUT. WOLF looks at the AUDIENCE and gives a big grin. BLACKOUT.)

END OF PROLOGUELIGHTS UP: The courtroom. GRIMM stands DOWN CENTER.GRIMM: (Holds a microphone.) Hello! This is Sydney Grimm for EFN,

Enchanted Forest News, reporting live from the scene of what is sure to be the trial of the century. In a matter of moments, we are about to see quite possibly the most impressive clash of legal minds this court or this country has seen since once upon a time. After years of delay, we’re fi nally about to witness the trial of the big bad wolf! As many know already, Mr. Wolf, the defendant, escaped a jail sentence when his criminal trial—for three counts of huffi ng and puffi ng with intent to destroy, two counts of attempted murder by ingestion, one count of grandmother impersonation, four counts of attempted sheep abduction and seventeen counts of lurking—ended in a mistrial, the result of a giant falling on the jury room while they were determining the verdict. Now, a number of parties have brought a class-action lawsuit against Mr. Wolf in an attempt to obtain some monetary compensation for what they feel has been an infringement on their rights by the now infamous defendant. (FGM ENTERS RIGHT carrying a briefcase. She is followed IN by both RED, carrying a basket, and GRANDMOTHER. They approach the plaintiffs’ table, and the FGM opens her briefcase and move some papers around.) Ahh! It seems the counsel for the plaintiffs, the unequalled Ms. Fairy Godmother, has entered, accompanied by one of her clients, Ms. Red Riding Hood, and the young client’s grandmother, Mrs. er... Grandmother. (Approaches them.) Hello, Ms. Godmother, any words for EFN?

FGM: Mr. Wolf is a depraved, cold, calculating killer, and it is only his celebrity status in this forest that has saved him from the hands of

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criminal justice. His behavior is reprehensible and has completely infringed upon my clients’ rights to live happily ever after. As you know, I have always fought to ensure that the good people of this forest get the ending they deserve.

RED: (Shoves her face into the microphone.) That wolf is gonna get it! We’re gonna string him up by his toes and shake him till all his money goes right here. (Holds up her basket.) And then me and Granny are gonna get ourselves a nice new condo with a pool and a—

GRANDMOTHER: (Tries to contain RED.) Now, dear, have a seat. That isn’t appropriate behavior for television, and we don’t want to waste anyone’s time. We can’t have this trial going on forever, you know. Ms. Godmother’s clerks all turn into mice after midnight tonight.

RED: Yeah, that’s lame. (To FGM.) You stink!FGM: Well, I never!GRANDMOTHER: Now, she didn’t— (GRIMM tries to sneak away from

the confl ict.)FGM: Ungrateful little—GRIMM: Well! Ha, ha! There you have it. Oh! (The THREE LITTLE PIGS—

ONE, TWO and THREE—ENTER RIGHT, along with SHEPHERD, BOY WHO CRIED WOLF and WOODCUTTER.) Here come the other parties fi ling against Mr. Wolf!

ONE: Ooooooh! Telamavision! (Runs to GRIMM and tries to grab the microphone.)

TWO: Eeeeeeeh! I like microphones! They make my voice loud! Gimme! (Runs up to GRIMM and attempts to wrestle the microphone away from both GRIMM and ONE.)

THREE: Ahh! Yes, the press. Excellent! (Approaches GRIMM.) Yes, I, Pig Three, am a plaintiff in this case. I would be happy to provide an interview if need be.

GRIMM: Uhh... well... thanks, but—THREE: Yes, of course, well, you see—GRIMM: I didn’t say that— WOODCUTTER: (Cuts in.) Say! You’re Sydney Grimm, aren’t ya? You

remember me? You covered the Mr. World Lumberjack Pageant last year, didn’t you? Well, remember me? I won Best in Flannel and Most Ruggedly Handsome! Yeah! Bill Woodcutter! That’s right. Boy! Sure is good to see you again!

GRIMM: Uhh... yes, Mr. Woodcutter, nice to see you. Ready for this year’s pageant, are you?

WOODCUTTER: Sure am! (Slaps GRIMM on the back a little too hard, which sends GRIMM stumbling DOWNSTAGE.)

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GRIMM: (Looks around a bit, trying to get out of the crowd. Sees her opportunity with the SHEPHERD and BOY, who have quietly taken their seats in the gallery just behind the plaintiffs’ table. They appear to be trying fairly hard not to be noticed. Approaches SHEPHERD and BOY.) Hello! Sydney Grimm, EFN. I believe you two are—

SHEPHERD: (Cuts her off.) I’m an old shepherd, and this here’s my boy. The boy don’t know his manners too well, and so we’re in a bit of a mess, you see? But we don’t want no trouble, just a little money for some sheep I lost and to pay the medical bill for the boy, here.

GRIMM: Right then. (To the BOY.) So you must be the Boy Who Cried—

BOY: Wolf! Yeah, that’s me. What’s it to you? Look, I was just havin’ a little fun, okay? You know, like frying ants with a magnifying glass or blowing up squirrels with homemade explosives.

SHEPHERD: (Elbows the BOY.) You shut your mouth, boy. (To GRIMM.) He don’t mean those things he says. He’s just a little— Well, boys will be boys, eh?

GRIMM: Right... (Begins to back away. At this moment, the BIG BAD WOLF ENTERS RIGHT, followed by the WOLFETTES. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] He slouches down in his chair at the defendant’s table. Everything stops. The OTHERS immediately take their seats either at the plaintiffs’ table or in the gallery except for GRIMM, who moves to roughly LEFT CENTER. The two sides simply stare at each other. After a long pause, GRIMM speaks, in a loud whisper.) Well, here he is! The infamous Big Bad Wolf himself! This is a very tense moment in the courtroom right now! Just feel that tension! (Takes a moment to feel the tension.)

WOLF: I can hear you over there, you know.GRIMM: Oh! (Approaches WOLF.) My deepest apologies, Mr. Wolf.

Sydney Grimm, EFN. I’m covering the trial today.WOLF: Yeah, I guessed.GRIMM: So, Mr. Wolf, who is your attorney today, and where is he?WOLF: She. And I don’t know. Her name’s Evil Stepmother. You heard of

her? Apparently she’s some big fancy high-priced lawyer who’s gotten pulled into pro-bono work she doesn’t want to do. I don’t blame her. Barring another giant, I don’t stand a chance today, I’m sure.

GRIMM: Yeah. I mean, hey! You never know. Do you have anything you’d like to tell viewers out there? (MUSIC CUE 2: “I Got Nothin’ To Say.”)

WOLF: (Speaks.) I got nothin’ to say to the world. The world’s got nothin’ to say to me! (Let’s out a long howl.) Owooo!

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WOLFETTES: (Howl.) Owooo!WOLF: (Walks slowly and coolly to CENTER STAGE, followed by the

WOLFETTES. He looks to the DEFENDANTS and snarls. They shiver. Speaks in rhythm.)Order in the court, don’tcha gimme no fl ap!Why am I to blame for every little mishap?All my life I’ve been a good canine.Well, if it ain’t Little Red and the three little swine. (Laughs sinisterly. To RED.) Hey, Little Red, you got the story all wrong.(To BOY.) Boy Who Cried Wolf, you better change your song!(To PIGS.) Three Little Pigs, there’s a rumor goin’ roun’,But I got nothin’ to do with them shacks blowin’ down.(Sings.) Well, you can ridicule, overrule, step on my tail!

WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Uh-huh!WOLF: (Sings.) Tackle me, shackle me, take me to jail!WOLFETTES: (Claw at the air.) Woof! Woof!WOLF: (Sings.) It’s a prejudicial game I ain’t willin’ to play.

But for the record now, folks, I got nothin’ to say!WOLFETTES: (Sing.)

But for the record now, he’s got nothin’ to say!WOLF: (Speaks in rhythm.)

I never ate Granny, and I never eat sheep.I’m a vegan vegetarian, allergic to meat.I never once been to a little pig’s house,Tell ’em now, girls, I’m as gentle as a mouse.

WOLFETTES: (Speak in rhythm.) He’s as gentle as a mouse!(Sing.) You can, ridicule, overrule, step on his tail!

WOLF: (Sings.) Tackle me, shackle me, take me to jail!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) It’s a prejudicial game he ain’t willin’ to play.WOLF: (Sings.) But for the record now, folks, I got nothin’ to say!WOLFETTES: (Sing.)

But for the record now, he’s got nothin’ to say!RED: (Speaks in rhythm.)

Don’t-cha listen to him now, he’s lyin’ through his teeth!BOY: (Sings.) He’s a meat-eatin’ carnivore through and through!ALL: (Except WOLF and WOLFETTES; Speak in rhythm.)

He’s guilty, guilty, guilty of the crimes!(Sing.) Guess there’s only one thing to do!

RED: (Sarcastic; speaks in rhythm.) How about life in a petting zoo! (ALL except WOLF/WOLFETTES laugh. WOLF shoots RED a hard glare.)

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WOLF: (Sings.) You can…WOLF/WOLFETTES: (Sing.) ...ridicule, overrule…WOLF: (Sings.) Step on my tail!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Woof, woof!WOLF: (Sings.) Tackle me, shackle me, take me to jail!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) It’s a prejudicial game he ain’t willin’ to play.WOLF: (Sings.) But for the record now, folks, I got nothin’ to say!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) But for the record now, he’s got nothin’ to say!WOLF/WOLFETTES: (A long WOLF HOWL. ) Ooo! (They slowly [and

with an air of coolness] dance their way back to their chairs, HOWLING as they go.) Ooo!

WOLF: (Speaks in rhythm.)But for the record now, folks, I got nothin’ to say!

WOLFETTES: (Speak in rhythm.) Yeah! (MUSIC OUT.)GRIMM: Oooohkay... well, then! (Moves DOWN LEFT.)JUDGE’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT, in a very grand voice.) All rise for the

honorable Judge Wise Old Man! (There is a buzz in the courtroom as ALL stand.)

JUDGE: (ENTERS LEFT. He is a “wise old man” in judge’s robes. Stands in front of his chair.) Ladies and gentlemen, they say that justice is blind. Well, if justice is blind and bats are blind, then justice must be a bat, eh? (Sits. EVERYONE is confused.) You may be seated. (EVERYONE sits.)

GRIMM: The renowned Judge Wise Old Man is presiding over the case today. Judge Man is known for his… well, wisdom. He is known to frequently apply his gift as a philosopher to any case. He is also known for his taste for Magic Beans.

JUDGE: (Whips out a bag of “Magic Beans” and begins munching on them.) In this court today, we are here to try an individual accused of many heinous acts. (To JURY [AUDIENCE].) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will ask you all to keep in mind this important and diffi cult concept throughout the many grueling hours of this trial. This concept is that guilty is the opposite of not guilty and not guilty is the opposite of guilty. (Long pause.) That’s it. Very well, shall we begin? (Long pause. EVERYONE looks around.)

WOLF: (Timid, he raises his hand.) Your Honor, sir, I have no counsel.JUDGE: What? Oh, yes, of course, counsel. Well, where is your counsel?

Why is it not here? Did you lose it? Did you check in your pockets, under the seat cushions, behind the refrigerator?

WOLF: No, sir, I haven’t, but—JUDGE: What? You don’t have a refrigerator?

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WOLF: That’s not what I—JUDGE: How do you keep your milk fresh? (Long silence. FGM walks to

the JUDGE and whispers something in his ear.) Ah! Your lawyer! Yes. Who is that? (Looks at papers in front of him.) Oh! (Chuckles.) She’s a lot of fun! Ms. Evil Stepmother! (MUSIC CUE 2a: “Evil Stepmother Entrance Music.”)

ES: (ENTERS RIGHT in a hurry, pulling MISS MUFFIT with her. MUFFIT seems distressed. ES lets go of MUFFIT in the gallery and hurries to the defendant’s table. MUSIC OUT.) I apologize, Your Honor, everyone, for my lateness. (Sits down, sighs and looks at MUFFIT, who is signaling her distress.) What? (To JUDGE.) Excuse me just a minute. (Walks up to MUFFIT. They whisper back and forth for a while, heatedly. Finally.) Well… just stand then! (Crosses back to the defendant’s table and sits down huffi ly. MUFFIT moves to the back of the gallery and stands awkwardly.) Again, I apologize to everyone.

JUDGE: May I inquire as to why you are late, counselor?ES: Ummm... (Distracted, opens her briefcase and sorts through papers.)

You know what? I would come up with an excuse, but, really, forget it. I don’t do pro-bono work, so I’m not all that excited about this case, to be honest with you. Plus, I think it’s pretty much doomed to failure, so I didn’t really prepare a whole lot, and I was kind of pulling some things together at the last minute... and I was up late last night yelling at my stepdaughter to clean the cinders out of the fi replace, so I thought I’d sleep in a little and treat myself to nice long breakfast with my colleague and witness over there. (Motions to MUFFIT, who curtsies nervously. Pause.) So, are we going to get this thing going? I’ve got a facial scheduled at fi ve.

JUDGE: Yes, of course, right away.FGM: Objection!ES: The trial hasn’t even started yet!FGM: Your Honor, I object to the counsel for the defense’s attitude.

Clearly she is making a mockery of this courtroom, and you are allowing it.

JUDGE: Oh. I am? Oh, well, that’s not good. Ummm... Ms. Stepmother, ummm... a bit of wisdom for you. Being late is wrong. Wrong is the opposite of right. Right is the opposite of left. Therefore if you are late, I will have to ask you to leave. (Long pause. EVERYONE pretends to get it and nods in agreement.) Now then, court is in session. (Long pause. FGM whispers in his ear.) Oh! Opening remarks! Ms. Godmother?

FGM: (Stands and addresses JURY.) Ladies and gentlemen, today we are going to correct a grave injustice. By chance, Mr. Wolf was

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spared the punishment he rightfully deserves. He is a depraved criminal. He has lurked in the forests for years, preying on innocent little girls...

RED: Yeah!GRANDMOTHER: Shush, child! Behave yourself!FGM: Innocent little girls, innocent little pigs, innocent little old

women, innocent little boys and… (Pauses, pretends to hold back tears.) …innocent little sheep. My clients have been frightened, threatened, tricked, eaten and robbed, and I am sure I am leaving something out. Because of a mere accident, this twisted fi end will not receive the punishment he deserves. So, we must take from him everything we can. (Indicates WOLF.) That beast over there must be left with nothing, because he has left my clients hurt, frightened and homeless. Thank you. (PLAINTIFFS applaud.)

JUDGE: Thank you, Ms. Godmother. Ms. Stepmother?ES: Oh. Um, no, I waive it.WOLF: What?ES: Yeah, you heard me. No statement. Thanks, though.JUDGE: Very well, moving on...WOLF: You’re not even going to try? You’re not going to do anything

for me?ES: Look, Wolfi e, nobody’s going to save you, and even if somebody

were going to, it sure wouldn’t be me.WOLF: I’m doomed! I’m going to be robbed blind!ES: Oh, come on! You did all of it, didn’t you?WOLF: Yes! But... but... why won’t anybody understand?JUDGE: Ms. Godmother, call your fi rst witness.ES: Understand what?FGM: I would like to call Ms. Little Red Riding Hood. (RED gets up and

crosses to the witness stand.)WOLF: What it’s like. What it’s like to have everyone hate you.JUDGE: (With an oversized book of fairy tales in hand.) Do you swear

to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, Hans Christian Andersen?

ES: Oh.RED: Yeah, sure!ES: (Under her breath.) Maybe I do.WOLF: What was that?FGM: (Rises and crosses to RED.) Red, honey, how are you, dear?

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RED: I’d be a whole lot better if I had that monster’s cash!FGM: Right, right. Well now, Red, sweetie, why don’t you tell the nice

people on the jury what exactly happened between you and Mr. Wolf on the day in question.

RED: Yeah, sure thing. (To JURY.) Well, you see, I was walking through the woods, minding my own business, trying to get to my granny’s house to bring her some bread, ’cause she’s old and sick and stuff, and then this horrible scary wolf jumps out and pretends to be all nice and stuff, but I know he’s creepy and I’m like, “Back off, Wolf!” and he’s like, “No, come on, I’m all nice and stuff, why don’t you take this shortcut or whatever to get to your granny’s house.” And I’m like, “Well, actually, shortcuts are good. I hate walking. It’s for losers.” I guess this wolf wouldn’t just make up some shortcut or whatever. So I start walking. Turns out the freakin’ wolf did make it up. He gave me like... a longcut or something, so that he could get to my granny’s house and eat her.

FGM: My word! (To JURY.) He ate her grandmother! (To RED.) I’m so sorry for you, child. What happened next?

RED: Well, then he dressed up as my granny and got in her bed.FGM: What? That is appalling. What sort of perverse reason could he

have had for doing this?RED: He wanted to trick me into thinking he was my granny, and then

when I got close enough to the bed, he ate me!FGM: Ate you, too! Consumption of a live human being is a felony, ladies

and gentlemen, and an obvious deprivation of one’s basic rights!RED: Oh! It was terrible. Until Mr. Woodcutter got us out. It was so dark

and clammy and acidic in there.FGM: It sounds horrible, dear.RED: Oh! It was! Oh, I can’t take it. (Starts to fake-cry.)FGM: There, there, dear. It’s all right. Why don’t you just go and sit

back down.RED: Okay. (Starts to rise.)ES: Objection! I haven’t cross-examined the witness yet.JUDGE: Oh, but she’s so sad.FGM: Yes! Absolutely too sad to be questioned. I’m sorry.ES: (Quickly stands.) Now wait a minute, here. You can’t do that. I have

a right to cross-examine the witness.RED: (Forgets her tears and yells.) I’m too sad, see!FGM: Yes, according to clause A, section 12345 of the legal code 22F,

“extreme sadness may excuse a witness from further testimony.”JUDGE: Oh! Yes, well, if that’s the case, then—

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ES: You just made that up!JUDGE: The witness is excused.ES: What?!JUDGE: The witness is excused. (RED walks back to her seat.) Please

sit down, Ms. Stepmother.FGM: Ha!ES: (Sits down.) I can’t believe this!JUDGE: Ms. Godmother, call your next witness, please!FGM: Yes, I would like to call to the stand Mrs. Grandmother Hood.

(GRANDMOTHER approaches the witness stand.)JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but

the truth, so help you, Hans Christian Andersen?GRANDMOTHER: You betcha.FGM: Thanks, Granny.GRANDMOTHER: I’d prefer Mrs. Hood, please.FGM: Yes, of course. Mrs. Hood, now, tell me something. Do these

things belong to you? (Opens up her briefcase and shows the contents to GRANDMOTHER and JURY. It contains a bonnet, nightgown and glasses.)

GRANDMOTHER: Why, yes, those are my things.FGM: Now, can you tell us, what were you wearing the day you

encountered the defendant?GRANDMOTHER: Those items.FGM: Anything else?GRANDMOTHER: Just my undies, dear, but that’s none of your

business.FGM: Yes, I see. Now, Mrs. Hood, is it correct that when your

granddaughter encountered the defendant, he was wearing these same items?

GRANDMOTHER: Well, not all the exact same items. I had a spare nightgown and bonnet, but only one pair of glasses.

FGM: And at this point he had eaten you. Is that correct?GRANDMOTHER: It most certainly is.FGM: So, not only did the big bad wolf eat you, but he made a dear old

lady remove her glasses which she desperately needs in order to see, before he did so?

GRANDMOTHER: Yes! It was terrible!FGM: Terrible! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard that word before,

haven’t we? Mrs. Hood’s granddaughter described the events in

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the same way, and quite frankly, I think they are being kind, as it is in their nature to be. So, the defendant not only ate an old woman and her granddaughter, but insisted that the old woman remove her desperately needed eyeglasses. Without her ability to see, the kind of psychological strain Mrs. Hood must have endured would have been... unthinkable. (MUSIC CUE 3: “No More.” Speaks.) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Wolf is a fl agrant vandal and a killer of sheep, not to mention a freak who likes to dress up in granny clothes and devour little old ladies! You’re a sicko, Mr. Wolf, and it ain’t gonna happen no more! (Sings.)He’s got a history of hidin’ out and scarin’ little girls in the woods.

CHORUS: (Sings.) Uh-huh!FGM: (Sings.) We got a wolf who’s been stealin’ sheep

And eatin’ just as much as he could.CHORUS: (Sings.) Uh-huh!FGM: (Sings.) And here’s a poor old woman

Who was dinner for a thief and a hood!CHORUS: (Sings.) You’re nothin’ but a thief and a hood!FGM: (Sings.) And now, the big bad wolf

Ain’t gonna scare nobody no more!CHORUS: (Except WOLF/WOLFETTES/ES. Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) No more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) I say, the big bad wolf

Ain’t gonna scare nobody no more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) No more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) He’s goin’ straight downtown,

And he ain’t comin’ ’round no more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) That’s for shore!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) He’s got a history of vandalism,

Blowin’ down houses for fun.CHORUS: (Sings.) Oh, yeah!FGM: (Sings.) He’s been a-huffi n’ and a-puffi n’

And a-gettin’ little pigs on the run.CHORUS: (Sings.) Oh, yeah!

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FGM: (Sings.) Hey, Mr. Wolf, your prowlin’,Criminal days are done!

CHORUS: (Sings.) Your criminal days are done!FGM: (Sings.) And now the big bad wolf

Ain’t gonna eat nobody no more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) No more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) I say, the big bad wolf

Ain’t gonna eat nobody no more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) No more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) He’s goin’ straight downtown,

And he ain’t comin’ ’round no more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) That’s for shore!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more! (INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE; an argument

ensues between both sides as the JUDGE pounds his gavel and calls for “Order in the court!”)

FGM: (Sings.) And now the big bad wolfAin’t gonna scare nobody no more!

CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) No more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) I say, the big bad wolf

Ain’t gonna scare nobody no more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) No more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) He’s goin’ straight downtown,

And he ain’t comin’ ’round no more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) That’s for shore!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) He’s goin’ straight downtown

And he ain’t comin’ ’round no more!CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) That’s for shore!

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CHORUS: (Sings.) No more!FGM: (Sings.) He’s goin’ straight downtown

And he ain’t comin’ ’round no more! (Places her hands on GRANDMOTHER’S shoulders; speaks to WOLF.) I hope you got indigestion! (MUSIC OUT.) That’s all, Mrs. Hood. (Turns to ES.) Your witness.

JUDGE: You may examine the witness, Ms. Stepmother.ES: (Stands.) Oh! I can examine this one? Thanks so much! Mrs. Hood,

let me ask you this...GRANDMOTHER: Yes?ES: How did the defendant get you to remove your glasses?GRANDMOTHER: Ummm... er...ES: Did he just ask you? None of that is in the statement you gave

the authorities. Your statement just jumps from... (Ruffl es through some papers and reads.) “The wolf came in,” to “he ate me,” to “then I was joined by my granddaughter in the wolf’s stomach.” That’s all we get. Now, what happened?

GRANDMOTHER: Well, ummm, actually, I didn’t exactly...ES: I see you’re not wearing glasses today. Do you own contact lenses,

Mrs. Hood?GRANDMOTHER: Yes, that’s correct.ES: And isn’t it true you were, in fact, wearing your contact lenses at

the time Mr. Wolf entered your cottage?GRANDMOTHER: Well... yes! It’s true.ES: Ahhh! So, you were able to see just fi ne, weren’t you?GRANDMOTHER: Yes. Yes, I was.ES: That is very interesting, Mrs. Hood. I think I’m just about done,

but... you know, I have one more question.GRANDMOTHER: Yes?ES: What sort of carpet do you have on your fl oor, Mrs. Hood?GRANDMOTHER: In what room?ES: In your bedroom, of course.GRANDMOTHER: Ummm, wolf skin.ES: Wolf skin. Well, that is fascinating. Who made that carpet, Mrs.

Hood?GRANDMOTHER: My late husband and myself.ES: I see. No further questions, Your Honor. (Sits.)WOLF: Where did that come from?

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ES: Hey, baby, I said I didn’t work too hard on this case. Doesn’t mean I’m still not the best there is. Besides, maybe I like you a little bit all of a sudden.

GRIMM: (Crosses to CENTER.) Well! That was a stunning turn of events! This case may prove more of a battle for Ms. Fairy Godmother than she had planned!

FGM: Oh, shut up! (GRIMM crosses back to DOWN LEFT.)JUDGE: The witness is excused. (GRANDMOTHER crosses to her seat.)

Would you care to call another witness, Ms. Godmother?FGM: (Stands.) Yes. Yes, I would. I call to the stand Mr. Bill Woodcutter.

(WOODCUTTER approaches the witness stand.)JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but

the truth, so help you, Hans Christian Andersen?WOODCUTTER: I do indeedy!FGM: Mr. Woodcutter, what do you do for a living?WOODCUTTER: I’m a woodcutter. I cut wood. I also compete in

lumberjack pageants. I just won Best in Flannel and...FGM: Yes, yes… so as part of your job you carry an axe, is that

correct?WOODCUTTER: Yes, I certainly do.FGM: And you are licensed to use that axe in cases of emergency, are

you not?WOODCUTTER: I am.FGM: In fact, is it not part of the woodcutters’ code that you must

always respond to innocent people in need?WOODCUTTER: It is part of the code, and I uphold that part of the

code.FGM: So, in other words, when you encounter an emergency in the

woods, you are obligated to respond quickly and courageously.WOODCUTTER: Yes, I am.FGM: And so you did, sir! You are a true hero, sir.WOODCUTTER: Well, thank you, ma’am.FGM: No further questions, Your Honor. (Sits.)JUDGE: Your witness, Ms. Stepmother.ES: (Stands.) Thank you. Now, Mr. Woodcutter, let’s talk about this

woodcutter’s code, shall we?WOODCUTTER: Okay.ES: How do you know when there’s an emergency in the woods that

you need to respond to?

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WOODCUTTER: Well, it depends, but usually if I see something that looks wrong, I respond to it.

ES: I see. You see it, then, do you? Well, now, Mr. Woodcutter, would you care to tell me what prompted you to go into Mrs. Hood’s cottage that day? There seems to be nothing in the police report about why you went into the house. Did you hear a scream?

WOODCUTTER: Well, uh... no, not exactly...ES: Did you see the defendant enter the house and become

suspicious?WOODCUTTER: No... I uh... okay! I was snoopin’ around the house.ES: Snooping? Whatever for?WOODCUTTER: (A long pause. Guilty.) I was lookin’ for a pie to steal

off the windowsill.ES: Ahhh... I see. And why ever would you do that? I thought you were

a hero!WOODCUTTER: Cutting wood don’t pay so good. That’s why I do the

pageants. But you only make the big money if you win fi rst prize... I haven’t done that yet. I was hungry.

ES: And then, while you were trying to steal something, you happened to see in the window... what, exactly?

WOODCUTTER: I saw that there wolf right there lying in the old lady’s bed, in her clothes, lickin’ his chops.

ES: Well, all right then. Tell me though, how did you know, I mean absolutely know for sure, that Mr. Wolf had eaten your friends and that you were justifi ed in cutting him open? Because, that is what you did, isn’t it? You cut my client open with an axe, didn’t you?

WOODCUTTER: Yes, I did.ES: How did you know, Mr. Woodcutter? Couldn’t Mr. Wolf have been a

friend of Mrs. Hood’s that you didn’t know? One who occasionally likes to wear her nightgown? How did you know he had eaten them and that the two women weren’t simply in the other room?

WOODCUTTER: Well, he’s a wolf!ES: Oh! So, you’ve just got to cut him open then, eh? Because he’s a

wolf?WOODCUTTER: Well, yeah!ES: No other reason?WOODCUTTER: Nope.ES: No further questions, Your Honor.GRIMM: (Crosses to DOWN CENTER.) Another stirring cross-examination

from Stepmother. This is interesting.

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FGM: Shut up!GRIMM: Why don’t we go to commercial? (MUSIC CUE 3a: “Commercial

Break.” Moves back to DOWN LEFT. MUSIC OUT.)JUDGE: Ms. Godmother, do you have another witness?FGM: Yes, I call the three little pigs.ES: Objection! You can’t call three witnesses at once!FGM: Your Honor, It is essential to my case that the witnesses be

called at one time.JUDGE: It is?FGM: Well, no, but they insist on testifying together.JUDGE: Why is that?THREE: Your Honor, may I approach the bench?JUDGE: Well, this is unorthodox, but I suppose so. Counselors, why

don’t you join us? (FGM, ES and THREE approach the bench. JUDGE whispers loudly.) What is it?

THREE: My siblings are not really competent to testify without me.JUDGE: What do you mean?FGM: They’re ummm... immature?THREE: No, you can say it, they’re stupid. They’re too stupid.JUDGE: Oh, I see, well, I see no problem. Ms. Stepmother?ES: I think I’m fi ne with that.JUDGE: Very well. Three little pigs, please take the stand. (ES and FGM

go back to their seats. FGM remains standing. ONE, TWO and THREE approach the witness stand.) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, Hans Christian Andersen?

ONE: Who?TWO: What?THREE: Yes.FGM: Good enough. Now, would you each please give the court your

names? (Long pause, THREE smacks ONE upside the head.)ONE: Huh?!THREE: Tell the nice lady your name.ONE: Oh! My name is Oh-Nay.FGM: Oh-Nay? Don’t you mean...?THREE: Don’t worry about it.TWO: My name is T’Woah.THREE: My name is Three.

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FGM: Very well, now... er... Oh-Nay, can you tell me what happened to you and your house?

ONE: Huh? Oh! My house! Yeah! I ummm... I built a house. Then it fell over. Now I live in another house.

FGM: How did your house fall down?ONE: A fox blew it down.FGM: A fox? Are you sure it wasn’t... (Points at WOLF.) …a wolf?ONE: (Screams.) Ahhhhh! A wolf! Ahhhh! What’s a wolf doing here?

Ahhhh! He’s going to huff and puff and eat me! (TWO becomes similarly upset, and they both freak out together.)

FGM: Calm down. Calm down. (They do. MUSIC CUE 4: “He Huffed and He Puffed.” Speaks.) Was that the creature that blew down your house?

ONE: (Speaks.) Yeah! That was the fox.FGM: (Speaks.) Don’t you mean wolf?ONE: (Speaks.) Yeah, wolf!

(Sings.) I was lyin’ in bed, watchin’ “Walker Texas Ranger”When I heard this commotion outside.There was a mighty gust of wind and the stench of danger.When I saw who it was, I nearly died!When that shack started shakin’, I got claustrophobic,Didn’t rightly know jus’ what to do.Ain’t shook that hard since I gave up aerobics!My little fat porker life was through!Then he huffed and he puffed and he puffed and he huffed,And he commenced to blow the house down.When the shack started fallin’, I started haulin’.There was nothin’ left but straw all aroun’!

ALL OTHERS: (Except WOLF, WOLFETTES and ES. Sing.)There was nothin’ left but straw all aroun’! (MUSIC UNDER.)

FGM: (Speaks.) Okay… anyway, T’Woah, did that creature also blow down your house?

TWO: (Speaks.) No, I live with One and Three in a nice house, and we have a fi replace and a kitchen and a…

FGM: (Speaks.) No! No! No! Your fi rst house! Did he blow down your fi rst house?

TWO: (Speaks.) Oh! My fi rst house! Oh! Why didn’t you ask me that? Yeah. It was that guy. (Points to WOLF.)(Sings.) I was sittin’ on the couch watchin’ “Leave it to Beaver”When a thund’rous wind began to blow.It come cuttin’ through the house like a big meat cleaver,And it made me shiver head to toe.

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Then the whole dang house started shakin’ an’ a-swayin’An’ a-twistin’ an’ a-turnin’ like a top!When I saw Mr. Wolf, he was growlin’ and a-grinnin’,I would soon be one big pork chop! (ONE and THREE pat him on the back and try to console him.)

Then he huffed and he puffed and he puffed and he huffed,And he commenced to blow the house down.When the shack started fallin’, I started haulin’.There was nothin’ left but sticks all aroun’!

ALL OTHERS: (Except WOLF, WOLFETTES and ES. Sing.) There was nothin’ left but sticks all aroun’!ALL: (Sing.)

Then he huffed and he puffed and he puffed and he huffed,And he commenced to blow the house down.

ONE/TWO: (Sing.) When the shack started fallin’, I started haulin’.ONE: (Sings.) There was nothin’ left but straw all aroun’!TWO: (Sings.) There was nothin’ left but sticks all aroun’!ONE/TWO: (Sing.) Now it’s time we’re headin’ out of town!

Yes, it’s time we’re headin’ out of town! (In a panic, they run around in circles until they fi nally run into each other. Shaking with fear, they hug. MUSIC OUT.)

FGM: No, wait! Are you sure it was that wolf right there?TWO: Wolf! Oh no! Where? (Begins to freak out again.)FGM: No, no, don’t worry. You’re safe. Now, Three, would you care to

tell your story for the court?THREE: Gladly, my dear lady. You see, my siblings and I had always lived

together until last year when we decided to leave our parents and our childhood home and build our own homes— not too far from each other, but far enough to grant ourselves a reasonable amount of independence.

FGM: I see.THREE: Well, one day, that blasted, bloated, maniacal wolf came

around and blew down both of my siblings’ homes, and they came to my house to live with me out of fear that he might attempt to eat them. We were all so frightened for such a time as he lurked outside my home. We barely ate, we barely slept and our personal hygiene went to the dogs. Look at all this hair on my chinny chin chin! I haven’t shaved in weeks!

FGM: Oh! You poor dear, you poor dear!THREE: Yes! It was abominable!FGM: Ladies and gentlemen! These poor pigs were so frightened they

couldn’t even shave!

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THREE: He told us he would huff and puff and blow our houses down unless we let him in. And—he called us “Little Pigs”!

FGM: Doesn’t everyone?THREE: Well, umm, yes. But, he said it in a really mean, nasty sort of

way that made me think he was trying to demean us. It hurt my feelings immensely.

FGM: Your Honor, this... well, I am... I have no more questions. I am too outraged with the defendant’s behavior.

JUDGE: Very well, Ms. Godmother. Have a seat. Ms. Stepmother, your witnesses.

ES: (Stands.) Thank you, Your Honor. O-Nay. Tell me something…ONE: I once tried to pickle my own feet.ES: What?ONE: I told you something.ES: No, no... ummm, I want you to tell me what your fi rst house was

made of.ONE: My fi rst house? My fi rst house...ES: Remember? The one you told us about before?ONE: Oh! Yeah! Straw!ES: I see. And you, T’Woah?TWO: And me? (Long pause.) Oh! Ummm... I am not kosher.ES: What? Oh! No. I don’t just want you to tell me something. I want

you to tell me what your fi rst house was made of.TWO: That has nothing to do with me not being kosher.ES: No. It doesn’t.TWO: That’s okay?ES: Yes. What was your house made of?TWO: Sticks.ES: Sticks. I see. And, Three, what is the house in which you all three

now reside—the house you constructed—what is it made of?THREE: Brick.ES: Ahh. And it hasn’t blown over, by means of wolf or anything else?THREE: Nope.ES: And, it is up to all of the building codes, I assume?THREE: Of course. What do you take me for?ES: Now, Three, what about your siblings’ former homes? Are straw

and sticks building materials approved by the zoning board?THREE: No. They are not.

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ES: I didn’t think so. Do you think your siblings’ homes would have lasted long in say, a hurricane? Or a tornado? Or, well, in a light breeze?

THREE: No. I do not.ES: But, they’re very safe and cozy now, aren’t they?THREE: Yes.ES: Ahhh. Now, just one more thing.THREE: Yes?ES: Did my client ever say he was going to eat any of you?ONE: Nope.TWO: Nope.THREE: (Pause.) No.ES: So, how do you know that’s what he wanted to do? How do you

know he wasn’t just trying to make sure your homes were safe and secure?

THREE: Well, because, ummm...ES: No further questions, Your Honor. (Sits.)JUDGE: The Little Pigs, I mean, witnesses, are excused. (ONE, TWO

and THREE go back to their seats.)FGM: (Stands.) I have one more witness, Your Honor.JUDGE: Call him.FGM: I call to the stand Mr. Old Shepherd. (The SHEPHERD approaches

the witness stand.)JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but

the truth, so help you, Hans Christian Andersen?SHEPHERD: Yes. I do.FGM: Thank you, Mr. Shepherd. Now, would you mind telling the court

what it is you do?SHEPHERD: Umm… well, I’m a shepherd. I herd sheep.FGM: Yes. Yes. And, could you tell us who that boy is? (Points at BOY.)SHEPHERD: Well, that’s my boy. He watches my sheep sometimes.FGM: I see. And what did he tell you one day?SHEPHERD: Well, there were actually three days...FGM: Why don’t you just tell us what happened on the third day?SHEPHERD: Ahhhh. Yes, well, on the third day, the boy cried out that

there was a wolf in the fi eld, and the wolf stole some of my sheep and ate ’em and threatened the boy up in the tree.

FGM: I see.SHEPHERD: And no one came to help the boy out because, well, you

see, the two days before...

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FGM: That’s really enough. Thank you so much, Mr. Shepherd.SHEPHERD: Well, all right, I suppose.FGM: Yes. Your witness, counselor. (Sits.)ES: (Stands.) I’ll be brief, Mr. Shepherd, why don’t you tell us just what

happened the fi rst two days you mentioned.SHEPHERD: Well, you see, on the fi rst day, the boy cried out that there

was a wolf, and all of us in the village came up to take a look, and there was no wolf. Then he did the same thing the next day, so, on the last day, nobody done came up to check it out.

ES: I see. So, your boy isn’t very reliable, is he?SHEPHERD: Well, I just...ES: And no one but the boy actually saw my client steal the sheep or

threaten him?SHEPHERD: Well, no.ES: And, if in fact a wolf did steal your sheep and threaten the boy,

the only way we could know it was this particular wolf is by hearing what the boy has to say, isn’t it?

SHEPHERD: Well, I suppose so...ES: This man’s testimony is essentially hearsay, Your Honor.JUDGE: Hmmm. Yes. Well, why are you still talking to him?ES: You are excused, Mr. Shepherd. (SHEPHERD goes back to his seat.)JUDGE: Does the counsel for the plaintiffs have any further witnesses

to call?FGM: (Squirms uncomfortably.) Ummm, no.JUDGE: Ms. Stepmother?ES: Yes, well, the defense would like to call a surprise hostile witness,

then. The defense calls the Boy Who Cried Wolf! (There is a hubbub in the CROWD.)

GRIMM: (Crosses to DOWN CENTER.) Oh boy, ladies and gentlemen! This is going to be good! (Crosses back to DOWN LEFT.)

FGM: Objec— ! Oh, never mind.JUDGE: Come along, young man.BOY: But... I don’t wanna.JUDGE: I’m afraid you have to, son.BOY: Well, fi ne then. (Approaches the witness stand.)JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but

the truth, so help you, Hans Christian Andersen?BOY: I guess so. (MUSIC CUE 5: “I Cried Wolf.”)ES: (Speaks.) Tell me something, young man. Did you ever, on any

day, see a wolf in the fi eld?

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BOY: (Speaks.) Yeah! Of course I did. The third day, just like the old guy said. (Sings.) It was early one night, I was sittin’ by a tree,Playin’ my fl ute and tendin’ to the fl ock.So dang dark, I could hardly see,(Points to WOLF.) But I saw that wolf right there!

WOLF: (Speaks in rhythm.) What a crock!BOY: (Sings.)

He was sneakin’ through the brush, hidin’ in the bulrush,Growlin’, howlin’, makin’ a fuss.He looked my way. I couldn’t stay,I ran and ran like a madman…I cried wolf!

CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.BOY: (Sings.) I cried wolf!CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.BOY: (Sings.) One time, two times, three times I cried wolf!CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.BOY: (Sings.) When I came back, seven sheep were gone,

And I spied a wolf just lickin’ his chops.Filled his gut from dusk till dawn,(Points to WOLF.) It was him, that wolf right there!

WOLF: (Annoyed; speaks in rhythm.) Oh, stop!BOY: (Sings.) Before I could fl ee, he howled like a banshee.

Eyes on fi re, he came for me.Swung his claws and snapped his jaws,I climbed up a tree like a madman…I cried wolf!

CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.BOY: (Sings.) I cried wolf!CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.BOY: (Sings.) One time, two times, three times I cried wolf!CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.BOY: (Sings.) I cried wolf!CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.BOY: (Sings.) I cried wolf!CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.BOY: (Sings.) One time, two times, three times I cried wolf!CHORUS: (Sings.) He cried wolf.

One time, two times, three times he cried wolf!BOY: (Sings.) I cried wolf!

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BOY/CHORUS: (Sing.)One time, two times, three times I/he cried wolf! (MUSIC OUT.)

ES: So let me get this straight. You only saw the wolf on the third day?BOY: Yeah, that’s right.ES: All right. Why did you pretend on the other days?BOY: Because I thought it’d be funny. It was! (Laughs.) You should have

seen all of their stupid faces! Ha!ES: Are you certain that the wolf you saw was my client?BOY: Yeah, I guess, I mean, they all look the same to me, those

wolves.ES: Oh! I see. And, I’m just wondering why, specifi cally, did you cry “wolf”

rather than something else on the days when there was no wolf?BOY: Well, ’cause everyone knows wolves are bad. Big and bad. You

know?ES: Oh! Everyone knows wolves are just naturally bad, huh?BOY: Yup.ES: But not little boys, huh?BOY: What are you driving at, lady?ES: Are you aware that a prank emergency call is a crime, young man?BOY: Huh? Yeah, sure. Someone’s always trying to spoil my fun.ES: So you knew you were breaking the law when you cried wolf?BOY: Heck, yeah!ES: But wolves are naturally bad?BOY: Listen, I don’t need this from you, lady.ES: No further questions, Your Honor. (Sits. The courtroom has fallen

silent. There is a pause.)JUDGE: Ms. Godmother? (FGM just sits there for a minute.)BOY: Look, can I go? I gotta go fl ush some live fi sh down the toilet.FGM: (Subdued.) No questions, Your Honor. (BOY crosses to his seat.)WOLF: (To ES.) Wow! You sure are something.ES: You know, my friend, things might not be as bad as we thought.JUDGE: Ms. Stepmother, any further witnesses?ES: Yes. I’d like to call an expert witness to the stand. The renowned

psychiatrist, Miss Muffi t. She’s the top wolf specialist in the fi eld with years of hands-on experience in the deep dark woods! (MUFFIT approaches the witness stand.)

JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, Hans Christian Andersen?

MUFFIT: I don’t like swearing.

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JUDGE: I’m afraid you must, Miss Muffi t.MUFFIT: Oh, all right. Yes. I swear.JUDGE: Thank you.MUFFIT: You’re welcome. (Long pause.)JUDGE: You may be seated, Miss Muffi t.MUFFIT: Oh. Um... no.JUDGE: Pardon me?MUFFIT: I... um, I need... I need a... a tuffi t.JUDGE: A what?ES: A tuffi t, sir. She needs a tuffi t.JUDGE: Oh! (Pretends he knows what that is.) A tuffi t. Yes. Well,

someone go fetch a tuffi t, please.GRIMM: (There is a long pause. Approaches the bench and whispers

loudly to JUDGE.) I don’t think anyone knows what that is.JUDGE: Oh, thank heavens. Neither do I.ES: I’m sorry, Your Honor, she is a bit neurotic, but she’s the best

psychiatrist around. If you have a tuffi t anywhere...FGM: What’s taking so long?JUDGE: Miss Muffi t requires a, um...MUFFIT: A tuffi t. I cannot sit without a tuffi t.JUDGE: Right, that. Like I always say, there’s no such thing as good

psychiatry without a sturdy tuffi t. (FGM and ES look at him. Whispers loudly to ES.) What in the name of all that is good and decent is a tuffi t?

ES: I’m not sure. I think she’s made it up. Why don’t we just have her stand?

JUDGE: Very well, Miss Muffi t, the state is unable to provide you with said tuffi t. Do you mind standing?

MUFFIT: My legs are so tired! I need a tuffi t.JUDGE: Please?MUFFIT: Well...FGM: Oh! This is ridiculous. Just sit already! (Runs up to the witness

stand and tries to push MUFFIT into the chair.)MUFFIT: (Leaps up and screams.) Ahhhhh! There’s a spider on my chair!

A spider! Ahhhh! (Leaps up from the witness stand, runs across the stage, EXITS RIGHT, screaming.) I need some curds and whey! I need some curds and whey. Oh, no! Oh, no! I need them so badly!

JUDGE: A great thinker once said, “Curds and whey, your day’s okay.”ES: Yes, of course, Your Honor. In any event, I apologize for the behavior

of my witness. May I simply call my fi nal witness?

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JUDGE: Yes, of course.ES: I would like to call Mr. Big B. Wolf. (WOLF steps up to the witness

stand.)JUDGE: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but

the truth, so help you, Hans Christian Andersen?WOLF: I do.ES: Mr. Wolf, why don’t we keep this brief?WOLF: Very well.ES: Why don’t you just tell the court what you have to say about all of

this?WOLF: Yes. I’d like to. (Pause.) I’m not sure where to begin. I... well. I’m

a wolf of few words, but... here goes. When I was just a cub, I lived a pretty care-free life. I stayed in the cave mostly and played with my brothers and sisters, and Mother brought us home some meat every night for dinner. One day, my mother brought home something different, though— a human baby. We raised the baby as one of our own, and I loved my sister like she was a wolf herself. Then, one day, she returned to her people, and I never saw her again. I swore that day, though, that I would always protect and love creatures of other species, and I swore off the usual activities of wolf-hood and became a vegan. But, one day, when I was looking for dandelions in a fi eld of sheep, a boy began to cry out, “Wolf! Wolf! He’s taking the sheep! He’s going to eat me!” I suddenly became enraged. How could this boy suspect me of doing exactly that which I had sworn never to do? I yelled at him, trying to tell him that I was a good wolf, but the more I yelled, the angrier I became because the boy just kept on screaming. In a blind rage, I took his sheep and scared him half to death. I ate those sheep that night. After that, I tried to pull my wits together and go back to my old ways, but every time I encountered a creature of another species, he or she would run from me, distrust me, scream or something of the sort. I never meant to hurt anybody, but gradually, I didn’t know how else to interact with the world. I turned to a life of crime. I... I did all of the things I’ve been accused of, I admit it. But, I can only ask that for once, if you have mercy on me… (MUSIC CUE 6: “Have Mercy On Me.”) If you take pity! Maybe, maybe I’ll be able to stop! (Sings.) Have mercy on me!

WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) I repent!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Repent!WOLF: (Sings.) Regret!

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WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Regret!WOLF: (Sings.) All the things I’ve done!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) He’s awful sorry for the things he’s done!

Ah!WOLF: (Sings.) I’m getting’ sick of takin’ the heat.WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Takin’ the heat! Ah!WOLF: (Sings.) For every maladjusted kid with a…WOLF/WOLFETTES: (Sing.) …thorn in his seat!WOLF: (Sings.) I beg the court, please set me free,

Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Have mercy on him!WOLF: (Sings.)

I’ve been depopulated, isolated, segregated, relocated,Booted right out the door.

WOLFETTES: (Sing.) It’s been a rough life.WOLF: (Sings.)

I’ve been incriminated, castigated, decimated, second-rated,Labeled as a predator.

WOLFETTES: (Sing.) It’s been a tough life.Ah!

WOLF: (Sings.)I’ve been shot at, spat at, by Tinkerbell to Jack Sprat,Till I can’t stand it no more.

WOLFETTES: (Sing.) No more!WOLF: (Sings.) And now I’m askin’ your forgiveness today,

What more can I say?WOLFETTES: (Sing.) What more can he say?WOLF: (Sings.) Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) I repent!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Repent!WOLF: (Sings.) Regret!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Regret!WOLF: (Sings.) All the things I’ve done!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) He’s awful sorry for the things he’s done!

Ah!WOLF: (Sings.) I always get the short end of the stick,

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WOLFETTES: (Sing.) End of the stick!Ah!

WOLF: (Sings.) When it comes to a delinquent with a…WOLF/WOLFETTES: (Sing.) …bone to pick.WOLF: (Sings.) I know I’m guilty, but I’m makin’ a plea,

Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Have mercy on him.WOLF: (Sings.)

I’ve been investigated, regulated, arbitrated, reinstated,Till I’m feelin’ lost and confused.

WOLFETTES: (Sing.) He’s had a bad life!WOLF: (Sings.)

I’ve been incarcerated, incubated, tabulated, terminated,Wonder why I’m feelin’ abused.

WOLFETTES: (Sing.) It’s been a sad life! Ah!WOLF: (Sings.) I’ve been the town talk, a thing to mock

By Peter Pan to Goldilocks,I’m sick and tired of bein’ accused.

WOLFETTES: (Sing.) Accused!WOLF: (Sings.) And now I’m placin’ my life in your hands,

I’m takin’ a stand.WOLFETTES: (Sing.) He’s takin’ a stand!WOLF: (Sings.) Have mercy on me! (EVIL STEPMOTHER joins in,

followed by MEMBERS OF THE COURT who get caught up in the excitement.)

WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) I repent!WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) Repent!WOLF: (Sings.) Regret!WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) Regret!WOLF: (Sings.) All the things I’ve done!WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) He’s awful sorry for the things he’s done!

Ah!WOLF: (Sings.) I’m beggin’, please just gimme a break.WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) Give ’m a break!

Ah!WOLF: (Sings.) And I’m askin’ you to pardon me for…

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WOLF/WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) …every mistake!WOLF: (Sings.) I know I’m guilty, but I’m makin’ my plea,

Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) Have mercy on me!WOLFETTES/ES: (Sing.) Have mercy! Have mercy!WOLF: (Sings.) Have mercy on me!WOLF/WOLFETTES/ES: Oh, yeah! (MUSIC OUT.)WOLF: That’s all, I guess.ES: Thank you, Mr. Wolf.WOLF: Thank you.JUDGE: Ms. Godmother, do you have any questions?FGM: No. I don’t.JUDGE: Very well...MUFFIT: (Bursts into the courtroom, sobbing.) Stop the trial! Stop the

trial! As I was leaving... I saw the television... live broadcast! My brother! (Runs up to WOLF and embraces him.)

WOLF: What?MUFFIT: It’s been so long! You don’t recognize me anymore?WOLF: Oh my! Sister! This is... wow! I can’t believe it!EVERYONE: What? (EVERYONE but GRIMM FREEZES.)GRIMM: (LIGHTS DIM slightly and OPTIONAL SPOTLIGHT UP on GRIMM.

Crosses to CENTER. As GRIMM speaks, the courtroom shifts in slow motion to a neutral position with MUFFIT back in the gallery and WOLF again seated at the defendant’s table.) The courtroom was thrown into chaos here today as renowned psychiatrist, Ms. Muffi t, revealed her true identity as the adopted human sister of the accused. Ms. Fairy Godmother delivered a brief closing statement in which she restated the facts brought out by her witnesses. Ms. Stepmother, for the defense, informed the jury that Mr. Wolf had shown that he had not been born a criminal, but made one, simply because the society in which he lived had viewed him as such, and that, as Mr. Wolf had said, if the jury were to show some compassion—the fi rst Mr. Wolf had ever known—his ways might begin to change. Now, we’ll take you back to the courtroom where the jury is about to deliver its verdict. (The LIGHTS RETURN TO NORMAL, and GRIMM returns to DOWN LEFT.)

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JUDGE: (To AUDIENCE.) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like you to give us a verdict.

ES: But they haven’t even left the room!JUDGE: We don’t have time for that. Nobody likes jury duty. I know I

always wish they would just get on with it. All those lawyers yacking away and those witnesses crying. And those judges! Ha! Don’t get me started!

WOLF: You’re not going to send them out to deliberate?JUDGE: No! We’ll just have them clap! It’s much easier, don’t you think?

(To AUDIENCE.) Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am going to need your help. But, before I ask you for a decision, I have some words of wisdom to impart—words that may help you along the way. Like a wise philosopher once said, “Juries are like submarine sandwiches. They are best with mayo and hot peppers.”

ES: Pardon?JUDGE: Now, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready?WOLF: (To ES.) No matter what happens, I just want to say thanks.ES: You know, kid, I’m glad I got forced into this case. I know where

you’re coming from. I need to talk to my stepdaughter.JUDGE: When I raise my gavel, I’d like everyone who believes the

defendant is guilty… that’s guilty with a “J”… (FGM whispers something to JUDGE.) …with a “G.” Anyone who thinks the defendant, Mr. Big B. Wolf is guilty… with a “G”… should applaud as loudly as you can. (Raises his gavel and listens to the applause.) Very good! Very good! That’s enough! Now! When I raise my gavel again, I’d like to hear everyone who believes the defendant is innocent, that’s innocent with a… (Gives up.) Anyone who believes the defendant is innocent, I’d like you to applaud now. (Raises his gavel and listens to the applause.) Very good! Very good! Now, if you’ll give me a moment to make some calculations. (Spills out his bag of “Magic Beans” and moves them around, counting them on his fi ngers, on his toes, etc. Looks out at AUDIENCE and mimes counting them, scribbling things down on a piece of paper, looking generally hard at work.) Ah ha! The jury has reached a verdict! And they fi nd the defendant… (Below are the three alternate endings to the play. Either the JUDGE himself must determine which ending to go with based upon the applause, or he must be told by someone else from OFFSTAGE. If this is the case, he can run OFFSTAGE while “performing his calculations” to receive the information.)

ENDING ONE

JUDGE: Guilty as charged! (The PLAINTIFFS and FGM erupt into applause, laughter, hugs, kisses, whoops, etc. Bangs his gavel.) Settle down,

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settle down! Mr. Wolf, the court has determined that you will give the plaintiffs an amount equal to 50 million gold coins.

WOLF: What? I don’t have 50 million gold coins! I’m a wolf! I don’t even have a job.

JUDGE: Well, like I always say, “It’s good to have a job so you can pay people 50 million gold coins when you get sued for eating their sheep.”

MUFFIT: What?WOLF: (To JURY.) Don’t you people listen? Didn’t you hear what I said?

I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry! It’s not my fault!JUDGE: Take him away! If he can’t pay, we’ll lock him up!WOLF: What?JUDGE: Take him away! (Pause.) Oh! Right! No bailiff! Do I have to

do everything myself? (Comes down from the bench and drags the WOLF OFF LEFT.)

WOLF: (While he EXITS.) Have a heart! Why won’t anybody understand? It’s society that made me bad.

MUFFIT: Brother! (Runs OFF after him.)ES: (As WOLF EXITS LEFT.) I’ll try and get us an appeal! Don’t worry! I

know you’re a good guy, Wolf! I’m working for you! (Turns around to see FGM staring her down.) Out of my way! (Storms OFF LEFT.)

FGM: (Calls after her.) Better luck next time, honey! Looks like I’m still the best, huh?

GRIMM: (Crosses to CENTER. Into the microphone.) Well, folks, it seems that in the Enchanted Forest crime doesn’t pay, even when you say you’re sorry. I’m Sydney Grimm…

BOY: (Pulls the SHEPHERD to his feet and pushes his way to the front of the crowd. GRIMM sees them and stops for a moment. To the SHEPHERD.) And guess what the best part is, old man? I didn’t even see the wolf the third time! Somebody took those sheep, but I don’t know for sure who it was! (Pulls the SHEPHERD OFF RIGHT. MUSIC CUE 7: “May All Your Ever-Afters [Ending One].”)

GRIMM: (Speaks.) A sad story, folks. Maybe I’ll see you at the appeal. This is Sydney Grimm for EFN saying,(Sings.) May all your ever-afters be fi lled with joy and laughter.May you have days of glory and a never-ending story.Now that our tale has ended and everything’s looking splendid,You’ll fi nd it’s not that simple.Justice is never black and white.On this night… (NOTE: See MUSIC SCORE for “Ba-doop” background vocals.) …as you go along,

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Remember that things may not always be what they seem.But we’ll dream as we choose right from wrong…Forever after! (REST OF ENSEMBLE RE-ENTERS to join the song.)

CHORUS: (Sings.) Forever after!GRIMM/CHORUS: (Sing.)

May all your ever-afters be fi lled with joy and laughter.May you have days of glory and a never-ending story.Now that our tale has ended and everything’s looking splendid,You’ll fi nd it’s not that simple.Justice is never black and white.On this night, as you go along,Remember that things may not always be what they seem.But we’ll dream as we choose right from wrong,Forever after! Forever after! Forever after!Ah! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

END OF MUSICAL

ENDING TWO

JUDGE: Innocent on all counts! (The PLAINTIFFS erupt in anger while WOLF and ES high-fi ve each other.)

RED: (To FGM.) Some fancy lawyer you are!BOY: You couldn’t win a case if your life depended on it!SHEPHERD: Now, Boy…BOY: Aww, shut it, Gramps!GRANDMOTHER: Oh, fi ddlesticks! I’ll never be able to get that Jacuzzi

now!WOODCUTTER: Well, it’s back to the pageants for me. Hope I can

scrape up a few extra bucks on the log-rolling circuit.ONE: Yay! Innocent! We won!TWO: Yay!THREE: You’re both idiots. Find your own way home. (EXITS RIGHT

without them.)ES: Well, Wolfi e, we did it!WOLF: Yeah. Thanks a ton!ES: You bet.WOLF: You want to go grab a steak?ES: Huh? You’re not going to become a vegan again?WOLF: Are you kidding? Now that I’ve acquired a taste for savory

meat?!ES: You mean—?

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WOLF: You did a great job! Thanks a ton! You know, I’ll try to change and all, but right now I can’t wait to get me a steak! Or maybe some lamb chops!

ES: But…MUFFIT: I’ll go with you, brother! (Tries to give him a hug, but he shoves

her away.)WOLF: It was nice to see you and all, sis, but I’m not really a touchy-

feely kind of guy. And you need to chill out about the whole tuffi t thing. You’re way too high-strung. (To ES.) Thanks again, lady. See you ’round. (EXITS RIGHT.)

ES: I can’t believe it!MUFFIT: (Cries a little bit and holds out a small bowl.) You want some

of my curds and whey?GRIMM: Well, folks, there you have it. The trial of the big bad wolf has

offi cially come to a close. And it seems Mr. Wolf has gotten off scot-free. (Approaches the JUDGE.) Your Honor, do have anything to say to the viewers out there? Any fi nal words of wisdom before we sign off?

JUDGE: My mother, who was a wise, wise woman, always told me, “Where there’s a wall, there’s a window, and where there’s a window, there’s glass, and where there’s glass, sometimes a baseball will go through that glass and then you’ll have to pay a lot of money to fi x it.” (Long pause.) That’s it! Thanks, kid! (MUSIC CUE 7a: “May All Your Ever-Afters [Ending Two].”

GRIMM: (Speaks.) Okay. Thank you, Your Honor. Well, folks, that’s that. This is Sydney Grimm for EFN saying,(Sings.) May all your ever-afters be fi lled with joy and laughter.May you have days of glory and a never-ending story.Now that our tale has ended and everything’s looking splendid,You’ll fi nd it’s not that simple.Justice is never black and white.On this night… (NOTE: See MUSIC SCORE for “Ba-doop” background vocals.) …as you go along,Remember that things may not always be what they seem.But we’ll dream as we choose right from wrong…Forever after! (THREE and WOLF RE-ENTER to join song.)

CHORUS: (Sings.) Forever after!GRIMM/CHORUS: (Sing.)

May all your ever-afters be fi lled with joy and laughter.May you have days of glory and a never-ending story.Now that our tale has ended and everything’s looking splendid,You’ll fi nd it’s not that simple.

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Justice is never black and white.On this night, as you go along,Remember that things may not always be what they seem.But we’ll dream as we choose right from wrong,Forever after! Forever after! Forever after!Ah! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

END OF MUSICAL

ENDING THREE

JUDGE: Guil… Inn… Wait! Sorry! I’m not done! (Makes a few more calculations.) Well! I’m stumped! You people don’t know how to clap! Hung jury! Hung jury!

WOLF: What?ES: Oh, come on!FGM: This is preposterous!JUDGE: Now, hold your horses, folks! This is nicer, isn’t it? My

father always said that the cornerstone of good government was compromise.

ES: That’s the fi rst intelligible thing you’ve said. But it doesn’t really apply right now. This is a courtroom. We need a decision.

RED: Yeah! I want my money! (To AUDIENCE.) What’s wrong with you people? I want my money! I want my money!

GRANDMOTHER: Calm down, dear! (The PLAINTIFFS all begin to protest.)

JUDGE: (Bangs his gavel until EVERYONE settles down.) Order! Order! I will have order in this court! Now, listen! We must simply have another trial! That’s all there is to it!

MUFFIT: But he’s innocent!BOY: Oh, shut it, you crazy tuffi t fi end!JUDGE: Now, now, that’s just the way it is. Remember, as the saying

goes, “There will always be dust in your vacuum bag, just as there will always be cheese on your pizza.” Thank you. (There is a long, confused silence.)

WOLF: Is there a lesson we were supposed to learn from any of this?FGM: Well, it’s hard to learn lessons when the jury is so indecisive.ES: No, that’s not it. Justice is a complicated thing. It’s not easy. And

it’s not black and white. (To WOLF.) I think you’re a good guy, and I’m going to keep fi ghting for you.

WOLF: Thanks. I hope I can be as good as you think I am.ES: I know you’ll try.THREE: (Sarcastic.) Yeah, right.

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FGM: (To ES.) Well! I suppose I’ll be seeing you again in court. (EXITS RIGHT as the PLAINTIFFS angrily pursue her OFF. MUSIC CUE 7b: “May All Your Ever-Afters [Ending Three].”)

GRIMM: (Speaks.) Well, folks, it looks like I’m going to be covering another trial, and with that in mind… (Looks around at the chaotic courtroom.) I’d best be getting some sleep. That’s all for now. This is Sydney Grimm for EFN saying,(Sings.) May all your ever-afters be fi lled with joy and laughter.May you have days of glory and a never-ending story.Now that our tale has ended and everything’s looking splendid,You’ll fi nd it’s not that simple.Justice is never black and white.On this night… (NOTE: See MUSIC SCORE for “Ba-doop” background vocals.) …as you go along,Remember that things may not always be what they seem.But we’ll dream as we choose right from wrong…Forever after! (FGM and PLAINTIFFS RE-ENTER and join the song.)

CHORUS: (Sings.) Forever after!GRIMM/CHORUS: (Sing.)

May all your ever-afters be fi lled with joy and laughter.May you have days of glory and a never-ending story.Now that our tale has ended and everything’s looking splendid,You’ll fi nd it’s not that simple.Justice is never black and white.On this night, as you go along,Remember that things may not always be what they seem.But we’ll dream as we choose right from wrong,Forever after! Forever after! Forever after!Ah! (MUSIC OUT. BLACKOUT.)

END OF MUSICALENSEMBLE ENTERS for bows. MC 7c: “CURTAIN CALL—No More.” Direct segue into MC 7d: “Optional Choral Finale—May All Your Ever-Afters.”ENSEMBLE: (Sings.)

May all your ever-afters be fi lled with joy and laughter.May you have days of glory and a never-ending story.Now that our tale has ended and everything’s looking splendid,You’ll fi nd it’s not that simple.Justice is never black and white.On this night, as you go along,Remember that things may not always be what they seem.But we’ll dream as we choose right from wrong,Forever after! Forever after! Forever after!Ah! (MUSIC OUT.)

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PRODUCTION NOTES

The script was written with the idea in mind that the only completely essential components of theatre are the audience and the actors. Therefore, it requires a single set, no essential lighting changes and no essential sound cues. Any of these things may be added in places a director deems appropriate (such as the shadow effect at the start of the show and the lighting for the slow motion moment behind GRIMM’S narration toward the end of the play), but the spirit of simplicity can also be carried out to the fullest.

PROPERTIESONSTAGE: Plaintiffs’ table, defendant’s table, several chairs (two for

the plaintiffs’ table, fi ve for the defendant’s table, at least eight for the gallery, one for the witness stand), witness stand, judge’s bench (which holds an oversized fairy tale book, gavel, papers and pen)

BROUGHT ON:Microphone (GRIMM)Briefcase with papers, bonnet, glasses, nightgown (FGM)Basket (RED)Bag of “Magic Beans” (JUDGE)Briefcase with papers (ES)Bowl (MUFFIT)

COSTUMESThe costumes need only present us with enough information to recognize the characters.GRIMM wears a fl ashy suit.FAIRY GODMOTHER can have a magic wand or fairy wings to depict her

“fairy” status but should also be easily identifi ed as a lawyer.RED wears a red cape.GRANDMOTHER should wear a bonnet and a grandmotherly dress, but

no glasses.ONE, TWO and THREE should dress as pigs with pig noses and ears.

They could wear pale pink T-shirts.BILL WOODCUTTER should wear a fl annel shirt and jeans.SHEPHERD wears a shepherd’s robe and holds a staff.BOY wears “delinquent-style” clothes, like a ripped T-shirt and jeans.BIG BAD WOLF dresses as a wolf with pointed ears and nose and

patches of hair on his hands and arms.The WOLFETTES can have similar costuming and wear the same color

and style outfi ts.JUDGE wears a judge’s robe.EVIL STEPMOTHER is dressed to the nines in a suit.MISS MUFFIT wears a frilly dress.

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THE WOLFETTESThe WOLFETTES’ stage presence is up to the director. One option is to have them onstage the entire time, either punctuating WOLF’S speech like a Greek Chorus or quietly supporting him at the defendant’s tableAlternatively, the WOLFETTES could enter for their songs and exit afterward.

THE VOTEAt the end of the play, the JUDGE invites the AUDIENCE (JURY) to vote by applause to determine the guilt or innocence of the WOLF. To carry this out, all three alternate endings (Guilty, Innocent and Hung Jury) should be rehearsed and the actors should be prepared to perform any of the three. The JUDGE raises his gavel one time to hear the audience members who think the WOLF is guilty, and another to hear those who think he is innocent. Then, he must decide which ending to choose based on the audience reaction. If the director does not wish for the JUDGE to decide, the JUDGE can EXIT briefl y after the audience has voted and can receive instructions OFFSTAGE about which ending to choose. When the JUDGE lets out the fi rst line of the chosen ending, the other actors will know which ending to act out. The action will continue to the close of that ending, and the play will be over. The other two endings will not be seen in that performance.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThis script was written with gender fl exibility in mind. The cast is comprised of three males (WOLF, BOY and WOODCUTTER), nine females (FGM, RED, GRANDMOTHER, ES, MUFFIT, GRIMM and the WOLFETTES), and fi ve gender-neutral roles (ONE, TWO, THREE, SHEPHERD and JUDGE). For ease in writing and reading, all of the gender-neutral roles are referred to with male pronouns, however these may be changed depending on the gender of the actor. Furthermore, the JUDGE may be referred to as “Wise Old Woman,” and the SHEPHERD may be referred to as a SHEPHERDESS.

FINAL NOTEPerhaps you noticed that both the guilty and the innocent endings introduce a shadow of doubt as to whether it truly was the right verdict. It is the playwright’s intent to leave audiences, no matter what ending they choose, with the lesson that the Evil Stepmother verbalizes in the hung jury conclusion: “Justice is a complicated thing. It’s not easy. And it’s not black and white.” In a fairy-tale perfect world, this play would launch further discussions about how diffi cult it is to judge another person fairly without knowing the entire story and how every story has more than one perspective. So, take note of the more mature theme hidden in this not quite happily-ever-after romp… and have fun!

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Thank you for your interest in our plays and musicals.

www.pioneerdrama.com

800.333.7262Outside of North America 303.779.4035 Fax 303.779.4315

PO Box 4267Englewood, CO 80155-4267

We’re here to help!

DRAMA WITHOUT THE DRAMAWords on a page are just words on a page. It takes people to turn them into plays and musicals. At Pioneer, we want the thrill of the applause to stay with you forever, no matter which side of the curtain you’re on. Everything we do is designed to give you the best experience possible:

WHy PIOnEER:

Maintain control of your casting. We know you can’t always control who auditions. Take advantage of our many shows that indicate flexible casting and switch

the genders of your roles without restrictions. And with Pioneer, you also get access to scripts that were written for the entire

cast, not just a star lead performer like so many other mainstream musicals and plays.

adapt and custoMize.Pioneer helps you manage the number of roles in your production. We indicate where doubling is possible for a smaller cast, as well as provide suggestions where extras are possible to allow for additional actors. Both options will help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around.

Be original.Get access to fresh, new musicals that will let your actors develop their characters instead of mimicking the same personalities we see on stage year after year.

take advantage of our teaching tools.Pioneer’s CD Sets include two high quality, studio-produced discs – one with lyrics so your students can learn by ear, the other without so they can rehearse and perform without an accompanist or pit band. You can even burn a copy of the vocal CD for each cast member without worrying about copyright laws. And with payment of your royalty, you have permission to use the karaoke CD in your actual production.

it’s like having an assistant.Use our Director’s Books and benefit from professional features designed by and for directors. Line counts, scene breakdowns, cues and notes – you’ll love our spiral-bound, 8½” x 11” books with the full script only on one side of the page to leave plenty of room for your own notes.

videotaping? We’d Be disappointed if you didn’t!With Pioneer, you’ll never have to worry about videotaping your production and posting it on YouTube. In fact, we encourage it. We understand that your production is about your performers, not our script. Make the experience the best it can be, take pictures and videos, and share them with the community. We always love seeing our scripts come to life.