Building Self Esteem & Healthy Body Image In 8-12 yr old Girls

“Special Report”

By Jen Charbonneau

www.soglad2beme.com

Message for Parents

As parents, we face a tremendous challenge helping our daughters build self esteem and an understanding of healthy body image.

Our society places great emphasis on female beauty. Negative messages reach our children subliminally at a very early age.

Helping girls increase confidence in their unique talents, interests and abilities reduces their reliance on physical appearance as their main measure of self worth.

Self-esteem is likely to improve if girls develop their competence in a variety of areas including education, sport, personal interest, hobbies, clubs, community service and relationships. In doing so, they may develop a more rounded self-concept where appearance is only one of many attributes.

Girls will focus on developing attributes other than beauty if they perceive that the significant people in their lives place value on these characteristics as well.

Sadly, many adults don’t like their bodies. But helping girls love and accept themselves because of who they are and not what they look like will help your children grow into adults who do!

Parenting “awakens” some of our own unresolved issues.

How many times have negative actions or reactions from others made you feel unappreciated, unwanted, unworthy, rejected, hopeless, useless?

How often has someone implied that you are stupid, not good enough or incompetent?

How many times have you been told that you should have done something better, different, faster, smarter?

How often have you spoken to yourself in a way that undermines your own confidence?

We are role models for our daughters and although they may not listen to what you say, I guarantee they are watching what you do. Negative thinking destroys confidence and heightens anxiety.

It is extremely important to teach girls early to feel good about themselves and their abilities. You will provide a HUGE service to your daughter(s) or granddaughter(s) by teaching them positive life skills and stress control strategies now!

This allows girls to live more fully, love more completely and cope more effectively....

As parents, it’s difficult to do this all alone. I hope you will find my collection of articles a helpful resource.

Table of Contents

1. A Parent – A Role Model……………………………………………. 2. The Emotional Rollercoaster ……………………………………….

3. Comparing – Helpful or Harmful?…………………………………..

4. Shopping – YIKES! ………………………………………………….

5. Mirror – Mirror ………………………………………………………..

6. Resolutions, Dreams & Goals ……………………………………...

7. Body Talk (& Listen) …………………………………………………

8. Bullying ……………………………………………………………….

A Parent – A Role Model

If you are like most moms, you spend much of your time parenting your children. Now, if I were to define parenting, that might include teaching, nurturing, doctoring, baking, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, refereeing and mind reading, among MANY other things....

We are called upon daily to juggle these tasks, manage our own careers, personal issues and sometimes our partners AND look great AND love every minute of it (or not)! Very few of us have the time or the energy to take time out for ourselves.

So when the day comes that our daughter, at the tender age of 8 years old (or perhaps 9 or 10yrs) announces that she thinks she is fat, we are catapulted into yet another task of parenting.

Horrified, we try desperately to understand where that idea came from. We may prod for more information or we may remain silent, unsure what to say or do. For many of us, a natural response to such a disturbing proclamation may be to say “you’re not fat....don’t be silly”, or something to that effect.

Her statement may stay with us for a while.....haunting us even. We secretly hope that it was a “one-time” thing because we may not feel equipped to handle this issue.

We live in a world that places great emphasis on female beauty. This external focus leaves so many women and girls feeling inadequate, which can limit our amazing potential.

As parents, we face a tremendous challenge in helping our daughters build self-esteem. We are bombarded daily with media messages that tell us the way we are is not okay. These messages reach our girls at a very early age; in most cases, without them or us even knowing it.

So what do we as mothers do?

Although helping girls increase confidence in their unique talents, interests and abilities reduces their reliance on physical appearance as their main measure of self worth, it is easier said than done.

I believe one of the best things we can do to help our daughters love and accept themselves based on who they are, not what they look like, is love ourselves. That’s right....amidst all the juggling, chauffeuring, teaching, cooking and cleaning, we NEED to spend some time nurturing our own sense of self.

Let me explain....

Social learning theorists regard observational learning as one of the most powerful mechanisms of socialization. The child observes another person who serves as a model and then proceeds to imitate what the model does thereby learning how to do something she didn’t know before. Theorists also point out, imitation or modelling may occur even though the observer does not copy the model’s actions at the time he sees them.

So as parents, we can add “modelling” to our list of parenting skills.

Yes, I know, it’s one more thing to add to the list but if our daughters consistently observe our efforts at making ourselves feel great, then we are planting seeds. If we value ourselves for our unique gifts and talents, then we are planting seeds. If we treat food as sacred instead of the enemy, then we are planting seeds.

How often have you spoken to yourself in a way that undermines your own confidence?

How often have you buried your many achievements under a mound of regret over one failure?

Many of us struggle throughout adulthood to regain some of that voice and the potency we felt as sassy ten year olds.

I encourage you to find that voice.

The quality of a woman’s life depends far more on the shape of her spirit, wisdom and emotions than it does on the shape of her body.

It is extremely important to teach girls early to feel good about themselves and their abilities. You will provide a HUGE service to your daughter(s) by carving out a few moments each day to honour your feelings and emotions and to love yourself more completely!

YOU are the gift the world is waiting for.....☺

Sincerely Jen http://www.soglad2beme.com/ http://www.jencharbonneau.com/

The Emotional Rollercoaster

Emotions…..boy......we all know that one, don’t we….!! They can sneak up out of nowhere and overtake our lives….

Young girls are no different. They often feel like they are on an emotional rollercoaster AND they can’t get off.

When your daughter was little, her emotions were simple. She smiled when she was happy and cried when she was sad or scared. But as she gets older, her emotions are becoming a lot more complicated. She can be soaring to the top of the world one minute and feeling stuck in the mud the next.

Sound familiar??

Emotions are reactions to things that happen around her and she may use “feeling” words to describe them:

“I feel scared” “ I feel happy” “I feel mad” “I feel frustrated” “I feel excited”

Often she may describe her feelings in the “I am” language (“I am scared or I am frustrated”)

It’s important for her to realize she is more than just her feelings.

Because the events that she reacts to are constantly changing, it’s natural that her emotions would change too!

In a recent training retreat I attended, the facilitator talked about emotions being no more than “energy in motion” (e/motion) the word “motion” is built right into it. It makes sense then that emotions are constantly changing.

Lets take an emotion like anger....

Anger is a very powerful emotion. It’s hard for young girls (& also adults) to express this emotion in an appropriate way because they

often haven’t learned how to control the intensity of this emotion or the quickness of its onset.

Sometimes, before she even knows what’s going on, she can find her face getting hot, her palms sweating and her breathing quickening in pace. That’s the body responding to the brain AND, ok, let’s say it together…… hormones kicking in!!

As the body changes during puberty, these hormones will affect how she feels emotionally.

It is important for your daughter to express her anger (or any emotion) but there are ways that work better than say a loud shrieking voice or throwing things. Everyone gets mad and what’s important is staying in charge of how she lets her angry feelings out. It’s also important as parents that we have some boundaries for appropriate expression of emotions.

For example, as a parent it’s important to stay calm and in a quiet voice, you may say something like:

§ “I understand you are very angry right now and it’s important for you that I hear how angry you are”

§ “I will listen to your concerns/ideas/feelings when you can speak to me in a more appropriate tone of voice”

§ “I think we will be able to help each other when you are more calm”

This way, her feelings of anger are acknowledged and you have also made it perfectly clear that outbursts won’t be tolerated.

You can also encourage your daughter to:

§ Take a few deep breaths and count to 10 (or 3 or 5) - this allows her brain to receive the oxygen it needs and will make her feel much calmer

§ Talk it out – sharing her concerns with someone who cares can help her feel better and sometimes other people have ideas that can help. It can also make her feel less alone. (Let her know that it doesn’t have to be you she talks to :o)

§ Write it out – sometimes words to describe feelings come more easily on paper. Journaling is a great way to make sense of confusing feelings and help her problem solve.

§ Play some music or dance – music can soothe or excite depending on its rhythm and words.

§ Get enough zzzzz’s - her brain needs sleep to sort through the overload of information from her day. Sleeping also replaces chemicals the brain needs. If she doesn’t get enough sleep, then anything that’s bothering her is likely to seem even worse than it is.

§ Meditate – closing the eyes and visualizing a calm, relaxing place is a wonderful way to sort through emotions. It’s never too early to begin meditation!

These ideas for parents or girls can help with any emotion, not just anger.

Sometimes your daughter will feel good and sometimes not so good. But all those feeling – the good, the sad and the all-around bad – are normal. And chances are, even the happiest girl in the world is sorting out her own confusing knot of emotions.

It’s important she realize that every experience she has and the way she feels about it, can teach her something about herself and help her grow.

Encourage her to take time to listen to her feelings and share them with others the best way she knows how.

The better she becomes at understanding and expressing her feelings, the more she will enjoy being who she is!

Sincerely……Jen

PS....the meditation CD “Follow the River, Follow your Dreams” is an excellent way for children to find a calm, quiet place inside where they can regroup and sort through their emotions.

It’s available at the following link:

http://www.soglad2beme.com/web/la/en/id/1095/item.asp

Comparing – Helpful or Harmful?

It’s no secret we live in a society that lends itself to comparing. We compare makes and models of vehicles, the feel of this cantaloupe to that cantaloupe, prices at this store to prices at that store, clothes we wear compared to others and the list goes on and on.....

One popular company even has a slogan that states, “Dare to compare....”

When we compare, ultimately we are looking for faults in one and bonuses in the other.....

This also seems to be the way many of us think when flipping through pages of a fashion magazine. Did you know that within 3 minutes of flipping through the pages of a fashion magazine, 70% of females feel inadequate?

Why, you ask....?

Because we compare....compare our complexion with the flawlessness before us, compare our hair style, length, color, compare our teeth, compare our body size and shape and this list goes on and on.....

Comparison shopping is one thing, but when we compare ourselves to others, ultimately we find what we perceive to be our faults. This does nothing to boost our self-esteem and in fact, what we might not know is that we’re comparing ourselves to something that doesn’t even exist. (Computer generation.....I’ll discuss that at another time :o)

This brings me to our daughters.

When our girls were babies, it was natural for all of us to look for similarities between our brand-new infant and our partner, her siblings, and other relatives so that everyone felt she was a part of the family immediately.

As she grows, however, comparisons with others can become far more hazardous. Comments like “your brother would never behave like that” or “why can’t you be an A student like your sister,” can be very upsetting.

Even handing out equal praise or comparisons can be limiting. Saying “Daniel’s the brain box and Shannon’s the family athlete” may give each child something to be proud of but limits the likelihood that either will explore their full talent in the other sibling’s special sphere. And comparisons with parents of the “you take after me” variety can be dangerous too.

Every girl wants to be herself :o)

Girls will respond in her own individual way to a situation because she is unique. Comparisons may stunt her development and undermine her confidence in herself. Make it clear that there is room for more than one mathematician, poet or hockey star in the family. Labelling can make girls resentful and can tempt them to do the opposite out of spite.....grrrr :o)

When we live in this world where comparison is as normal as “brushing your teeth”, it’s extremely difficult as parents not to get caught up in it.

I encourage you to be especially supportive of her originality and creativity...This is how she is exploring and expressing her difference....

Sincerely

Jen :o)

PS....the “So Glad 2 Be Me” Workshops, Day Camps and Audio Programs help girls explore who they are, who they are becoming and allows them to embrace that uniqueness....

Please visit the following link for the “at home” program

http://www.soglad2beme.com/web/la/en/id/1085/item.asp

Shopping – YIKES!!

Well, it’s the end of August and you might be saying “YAHOO” or “WOW, where did THAT summer go.

Either way, it’s that time of year….again. Back to school shopping.

Everywhere you go these days, the stores are filled with children, preteens, teens and of course, parents, searching, trying, buying and checking off lists of supplies.

Is that you?

Has it been fun?

If you answered no to the last question, then let me guess. You’re shopping with an 8 –12 year old girl who either wants EVERY Hannah Montana outfit available or can’t find clothes she likes that fit.

This can be one of the most frustrating tasks that we as parents or grandparents face at this back to school time of year.

The stores are filled with new fall fashions that, in one sense, seem to be designed for a 25 year old, but are sized for an 8 year old. Many of us are wondering if some of these outfits even pass dress code at school!

Of course, our young girls are completely vulnerable to the creative marketing that subliminally captures their heart. They want it and that’s all there is to it!

Then tragedy strikes when it just doesn’t fit….in any size.

The shape isn’t right, the legs are too long, or too short, the color is all wrong, it’s too big in some areas and too small in others, the smallest size is too big or the largest size is too small.

The look of sadness, disappointment and frustration on our child’s face is enough to send us as parents over the edge…..again….for the 10th time today.

So, what do we do?

I know that explaining for the hundredth time that everyone’s size is different and not all clothes are meant for every child is a speech you are sick of giving (and she’s likely sick of hearing) however there is some merit to using it with a slightly creative twist.

After first acknowledging her frustration, try turning an experience like this around. For example saying something like “hmmm, let’s pretend you’re a famous clothing designer for girls. How would you design your fashions so that they fit many different body shapes and sizes?” or “if you were a fashion designer, what changes would you make to this dress/jeans/shirt/jacket?”

Using a simple strategy like this accomplishes a couple of things. First of all, it brings some awareness to young girls that although the designers may be appealing to them with the look of the clothing, they are not taking into account that girls have diverse sizes and shapes. The key here is for her to gain awareness.

Secondly, it allows them to participate in problem solving by using their creative imagination. She will realize that there is nothing wrong with her body and with a few simple changes, she can find clothes more appropriate for her. This will empower her and shift the feelings from negative to uplifting.

You might be saying, “well this is all well and good, but we still don’t have any back to school clothes that fit”.

I’m not pretending that magically it will be easy to find outfits that work, but it makes the task of shopping alot less frustrating for everyone. All of a sudden the mission becomes one of finding a different color, cut, length etc rather than “ahhh, NOTHING fits me….”

Apart from boycotting stores that only make clothing that say “large” on the tag but would really fit a 4 year old or writing letters to the

companies expressing concern about the sizing issues, are hands are tied with this unfortunate reality of the fashion industry.

As parents/grandparents, we know this story. We’ve been shopping. We know the frustration when measuring our self worth by the number on the clothing tag.

That’s also why it’s so important to help the 8- 12 year old in your life realize how amazing she is. Affirming her gives her strength. We can help our daughter to understand who she is at any time by describing what we see – her qualities and personality, her likes and dislikes, her particular talents and then confirm how much we enjoy her as she is.

Saying something like “I love the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh,” or “I’ve noticed how well you organized all your new school supplies,” will make her feel strong and confident inside.

AND that has nothing to do with what size her clothes are :o)

Until next time, all the best with the “Back to School” preparations.....….

Jen :o)

Mirror – Mirror

You must remember this fairy tale.....

“Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who’s the Fairest of them all? “

That’s right....it’s the classic line from that timeless fairy tale, Snow White.

We all know the story.....the wicked step-mother asks the magic mirror everyday if she’s the most beautiful woman around and is shocked, actually outraged one day, to find out that she’s got competition.

It seems her stepdaughter, Snow White, is more beautiful than she. And so the plan begins. She must eliminate the competition, permanently.

The stepmother hires a hunter to kill Snow White (she’d be arrested nowadays) but in the end, the hunter can’t do it. He leaves Snow White in the forest much to the delight of seven little men. (A questionable situation......:o)

When the stepmother hears that Snow White is not dead, she decides to take matters into her own hands. Posing as an old woman, she tricks Snow White into eating the famous poison apple.

And so the story goes.....A prince gets wind of this fair maiden lying asleep in the forest, rides out on his horse to check her out, is captivated by her beauty, and cannot possibly live without her. He kisses her, she comes to and they live happily ever after!

Now, don’t get me wrong, as a little girl, I loved these fairy tales just as much as the next person.

But as an adult woman & parent, I ask, “where’s the fair in “fairy tales”.

Let’s look at this for a moment. What are the lessons we learned from Snow White?

• Women are jealous of each others looks • Older women especially resent the beauty of younger women • The ONLY condition necessary for a prince to fall in love with a maiden is that she’s beautiful

• Beauty is the ticket to being rescued by a good looking guy and living “happily ever after”

• Beautiful women need someone to rescue them • Every prince MUST be fearless, strong and handsome

It doesn’t matter if you have the same interests as your husband, have a good sense of humour or if you are fun to hang out with, as long as you are beautiful, you will get the guy

It doesn’t matter if you are passed out, in a coma, or even conscious.

Although fairy tales bear little resemblance to real life, we still absorbed the lessons.......NO STUDYING NECESSARY.

So tell me.....have you ever looked in the mirror only to be less than satisfied with what the mirror says?

If so, then you are in good company...:o)

I think most of us have wished from time to time that the image staring back at us could be altered in some way, shape or form.

We don’t have to look very far to understand why. The messages around beauty have been hammered into us from the earliest of memories. From fairy tales, to Barbie dolls to Hollywood movies, the message consistently tells us that the way to “happily ever after” is to be beautiful.

So when it comes to our daughters/granddaughters, we can also understand why they struggle with this acceptance and uncertainty.

Understanding it is one thing but you might be asking “so what do I do about it...?”

Well, first of all, we have to realize that the mirror is only a day-to-day snapshot of the outside. The reflected image has nothing to do with “WHO” we are as people. The mirror can’t tell you how great a friend you are, or how understanding and compassionate you are. The mirror can’t tell you how amazing you are at baking cookies or planning parties. The mirror can’t tell you how loving you are or how you help people no matter what.

AND get this.....the image staring back at us COMPLETELY depends on how we are feeling in the moment.

The famous author Anais Nin once said, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are”.

What she meant by this is our perception of how we see things changes when our feelings and moods change.

So, if we are having a particularly bad day, the mirror will reflect harsh judgment and criticism of our body. We might focus in on particular body parts, closely analyzing; looking for flaws but if our day is going well and we’re feeling good about ourselves, the mirror reflects our good feelings.

What we see in the mirror completely depends on how we are feeling about ourselves in any given moment.

Does that sound like a “magic mirror” to you? Maybe.

Secondly, talk with your daughters about the messages they got from the fairy tales. What do they think? How do the messages about beauty make them feel?

Then maybe the two of you can share which “fairy tale” character you most relate to. What follows “happily ever after” at the end of a fairy tale? Do you want anyone to “rescue” you?

Maybe you could “rewrite” your fairy tales.

I’ll bet that would make for a pretty powerful and connecting conversation with your daughter/granddaughter.

And last of all, next time you look into the mirror, look deeply into your eyes and smile....because you ARE beautiful inside and out!.

Sincerely

Jen

http://www.soglad2beme.com/

Resolutions, Dreams & Goals

Wow I’ve heard February called,

RENEW your RESOLUTION month!

Contrary to popular belief, gym memberships spike in February, NOT January. Diet centers and programs spike in February and all other self-help and personal growth programs have a steep increase in February.

Why is that?

Didn’t we make our resolutions in January?

YES WE DID – but we tried to succeed ALONE!

You may be an exception to the rule... but the truth is, most of us do best when we’re surrounded with support in reaching our goals and dreams.

This is why it is KEY for children to have peers and parents that “get” them and understand what they are all about.

I’m always encouraging girls to be creative in their dreams and to believe in their dreams.

Every human being has the capacity to be creative. Children find it easiest. For them, experimentation is fun and helps them to feel in charge and powerful.

Building indoor (or outdoor) camps, playing hairstyles with friends or dolls, creating dance routines or making up rules for a variety of games are all creative pursuits.

For girls who are artistic, offer plenty of opportunities to draw, color, paint or sculpt.

Cooking can be very creative and give girls a sense of accomplishment. It’s also something that you can do together....:o)

Sewing, knitting, crocheting or gardening can be the basis of many creative productions; as well as learning life-long skills.

Many girls express creativity through pinning up posters and photographs in their bedrooms or through painting lampshades.

Collage-style pictures can be created from fabric swatches, twigs, leaves, petals, plant seeds or simply, magazine pictures. Scrap Booking has taken the world by storm and girls can spend hours discovering many things about themselves by creating a time line from birth to now!

Creativity is the expression of originality and it helps children to discover their identity and experience directly the ways in which they are unique.

When girls express their creativity in unique ways, it frees them to be original and increases their self-knowledge and confidence.

Taking action on dreams and goals can be easy as long as we are not chasing someone else’s dreams.

With all the outside influence surrounding us daily, encouraging our daughters and granddaughters to explore their own creative ideas will help them to discover a passion for something that is theirs.....not someone else’s idea of who they should be.....:o)

This is one “resolution” that can be supported month after month....

Sincerely

Jen :o)

http://www.soglad2beme.com/

http://www.jencharbonneau.com/

Body Talk (& Listen)

Your daughter’s body is constantly changing and growing. The most obvious changes occur in height and weight. On average, girls start their growth spurts between the ages of 9 and 12 while boys have theirs later.

Keep in mind that when this happens and how much they grow is different for each child; even sisters. Some children don’t have a dramatic growth spurt at all.

During this time, a girl’s body shape can change a lot too. Some girls get wider before they get taller while some get taller first. As different body parts grow at different rates, many girls can feel awkward and clumsy until their body works things out.

They may notice other kids are growing at a different rate – some are bigger, some are smaller, some are different shapes. It’s not unusual for them to sometimes compare themselves to other people they know.

This is where it’s important to remind them that everyone changes and grows differently and it’s not very useful to compare their body’s shape and size to that of other people, whether it’s kids, or celebrities.

All this growing and changing can change how they feel about their body. Sometimes they may feel like they don’t even recognize it. This is where we as parents come in....

Teaching our girls to LISTEN to their body is a great idea.

I remember the first time I heard the idea that our body talks to us. I sort of thought it was silly; crazy even but the more I listened the more I realized that my thoughts of this being silly was completely

because I learned at a very early age to ignore my “body talk” and so this new concept then became something I explored.

Do you ever remember when you were a little girl and you said, “Mom, I’m full,” and your mom said, “no you’re not, have one more bite?”

Well, I heard this over and over again as a child. So I did what “good girls” did and I had one more bite.

What I didn’t realize though, was that my body was “talking” to me – telling me that I was satisfied. On one hand, I felt full but on the other hand, my mom said I was not full. This confusion ultimately led me to ignore my “body talk” and I spent years and years NOT listening to my body.

Some of the other messages I received like “you can’t have desert until you eat everything on your plate”, affected me as well.

All of a sudden desert was a reward. If I wanted the reward, I ate everything on my plate – once again ignoring what my body was trying to tell me.

I learned that carrots were good and chocolate was bad. Food was labelled good and bad and so if my body wanted a “bad” food, did it mean I was bad?

Think back to when you fed your children as babies. When they were full, they spit the food out (usually carrots all over your white blouse...☺)

They listened to their body – it said “I’m full” and they honoured that....

I’m not sure if any of these ideas resonate with you but the point is, it’s critical for us to teach our daughters to LISTEN to what their body is telling them.

It’s important for us to help them to continue to honour their body and trust when it says “I’m full.”

Food is fuel. End of story. There are mechanisms in our body that insist we get variety and balance in our diet. Although we wouldn’t suggest that eating 10 chocolate bars is a good idea, eating 10 carrots isn’t either. I understand there is a need for our daughters to have balance and variety in their diets but imposing too many labels and rules around food can lead to food and body conflicts later in life.

I do understand there is a fine line between not eating ANY veggies and wanting cookies afterwards....☺ But over the course of a week, kids can be amazing at self-regulating if we just let them be. Supporting our children to eat when they are physically hungry and to stop when they are satisfied allows them to trust what their body is telling them.

Loving your body isn’t just about liking the way you look. It’s also about valuing your body for what it does and how it feels. It’s about LISTENING to what it wants and needs. (This includes listening to when it needs to get more sleep!)

Remind your daughter that her body does so much more than wear clothes.

When she feels confident about what her body can do, she will feel better about her body no matter how it’s changing.

When she listens to it and honours it, she will develop a relationship with her body that lasts a lifetime...!

Sincerely

Jen :o)

http://www.soglad2beme.com/

http://www.jencharbonneau.com/

Bullying

Spring is really here and the end of another school year is just around the corner.

For some children, the school year ending means the beginning of fun and games for their summer holidays.

For other children, it’s the welcome relief that they’ve been waiting for.

No.... it’s not because they are tired of homework and projects and tests.

It’s a reason much more serious than all of that.

It’s about bullying.

For many kids who are targets of bullying, the summer holidays are a time and place of refuge; for a couple of months anyway....

Very often I’m asked by parents and girls alike about bullying. I’ve done some research and used some of my experiences and want to offer you what I’ve found.

I also had the opportunity to have a female lawyer friend of mine write a contribution to this month’s newsletter to give us a “law” perspective.

This is my best attempt to share some information for what seems like something that sadly never ends.

First of all, there is a difference between conflict and bullying. Conflict is normal, natural, and necessary, but it has nothing to do with bullying.

Bullying happens in many different forms. It’s doing, saying or acting in a way that hurts someone else or makes him or her feel bad on purpose.

Barbara Coloroso, in her book The Bully, The Bullied, The Bystander says, “Bullying is a conscious, apery , deliberate, hostile activity intended to harm.”

There are three ways that kids can bully:

§ Verbal (name calling, taunting) § Physical (punching, kicking, scratching) § Relational/social (leaving someone out, shunning, spreading rumours, gossiping)

Remember that old adage, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me?”

Well THAT is an absolute lie.

The bottom line is WORDS CAN HURT.

I bet if you thought about it, you can still hear the words that someone said to you from childhood. I know I can AND I will NEVER forget that bully’s name.

I’m also grateful that his words don’t affect me the way they did for many years after the bullying stopped.

Being called names can and does hurt really badly. All forms of bullying are harmful, but VERBAL bullying, including name-calling, happens more often than any other kind of bullying.

Bullies come in all shapes and sizes and ages. Kids usually become bullies because they are unhappy inside for some reason or don’t know how to get along with other kids.

I came across some interesting (but also disturbing) facts.

§ Fact: Bullying happens to someone in Canada every 7 minutes on the playground.

§ Fact: Other kids are watching 85% of the time when one kid bullies another kid. Adults like teachers or parents hardly ever see a bully being mean to someone else.

One of the signs that a child is being bullied is a drop in grades. It’s hard to concentrate on school and assignments when you are worried about recess, trips to the bathroom, lunch hour, and when and if another bullying incident will occur.

Many children are too afraid to speak up and ask an adult to intervene. They fear consequences of “tattling”.

It is CRITICAL to discuss with your child the difference between tattling and reporting. It IS NOT tattling to tell when someone is being bullied. Telling an adult when someone is in danger or afraid is NEVER wrong.

So, you might be saying, “well that’s all well and good but what can I do about it?”

The first thing that a targeted child needs is somebody to say, “I hear you. I’m here for you. I believe you. You’re not in this alone.”

Bullies try to isolate the target, so they feel like loners and losers. When your child knows that you hear them and are there for them, it increases their feeling of safety and support.

The next thing we have to say is, “It’s not your fault.” Regardless of the situation, it is NEVER the target’s fault. So often, the targeted child blames her/himself. Their self-esteem has been eroded and they turn their anger, sadness and fear inward concluding that there must be something wrong with them.

Discuss the idea that bullies really are struggling with their own self-esteem and that is why they choose to pick on people who they see as weak, easy targets. When they can make someone else feel badly, it’s the only way for them to make themselves feel good.

The next thing you want to say to your child is, “There are things you can do.”

You want your child to know that they have the strength and courage to stand up to the bully and speak assertively.

For example, they can look a bully in the eye and say, “Boy you laid that on thick. I’m out of here. I don’t need this.”

This puts the problem and the responsibility where it belongs; in the bully’s court.

A great way to practice this is to role-play at home. You can be the bully and your child can practice finding the courage to speak up.

In her book The Bully, The Bullied, The Bystander, Barbara Coloroso suggests this, “You also don’t want to tell the target to just simply avoid the bully because then what you’re doing is saying, “It’s your job to keep the bully from coming to you.” And then the bully is going to find the child, and they will once again feel like they have failed.”

She also suggests that this puts the responsibility in the wrong place; with the target and not the bully.

Working to help your child build self-esteem is a powerful defence against bullying. When she/he sees her/himself as valuable, brave, talented, unique and responsible, then they are less likely to be a target of bullying.

Helping your child to understand that it’s not about her/him, also goes a long way to diminish lasting effects of bullying.

Helping your child to see that she/he can do something about it empowers them.

Encouraging your child to help other children, who are targets for bullies, can be the beginning of the end for bullies.

Here are some helpful website links

www.bullying.org

http://www.safety-council.org/info/child/bullies.html

Kids Help Phone – 1-800-668-6868

kidshelp.sympatico.ca.

Sincerely

Jen ☺

PS. The “So Glad 2 Be Me” at home program promises to help build self esteem and healthy body image in 8 – 12 yr old girls.

http://www.soglad2beme.com/web/la/en/id/1085/item.asp

Special Contribution – The Legal Perspective on Bullying – by Anna L Perry, LL.B

The traditional tort law of personal injury, defamation and assault does not provide adequate remedies for most types of bullying except if there is “harm” caused. If there is “harm,” then the school is liable and parents of a minor child perpetrator are liable, for harm caused by harassment and discrimination. If a child physically harms another child, then the parents and school can be sued in personal injury law.

Harassment and discrimination are difficult to prove in a bullying context involving covert activities.

As usual, the law has some protections and victims have legal rights but at a high financial and emotional cost to the victim and his or her family who have take the time off work, all of the footwork of

information gathering, determining the nature of the harm and the appropriate remedy. If lawyers must be hired to take the steps to obtain the legal remedy in a court or tribunal, then this requirement may exclude many families from taking that step because public legal services may not be offered via government programs and many lawyer’s rates are beyond the normal household budget for discretionary spending.

Bullying is an area best resolved by mediation and “good parent” remedies like discipline and removing the perpetrator from the scene, temporarily or otherwise.

Involving the police is always a good option. Families of bullying victims will be relived to learn that the police force can take steps when the bullying is causing fear of physical harm.

Harassment can be a criminal offence depending on the severity and nature of the bullying and the age of the perpetrator. Peace bonds and “no contact” orders against children old enough to be dealt with as young offenders provide great relief to the victim and family, knowing that the police are providing that safety net with emergency response at the end of a telephone line.

Anna L. Perry, LL.B. in association with: Bell Alliance, Lawyers & Notaries Public Suite 201 – 1367 West Broadway, Vancouver, BC V6H 4A7 Tel: (604) 873-8723 Fax: (604) 873-8785 E-mail: aperry@bellalliance.ca