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Practical help to be yourself at your best

Building Mental Toughness

Niels van Hove

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Introduction

About the Author

Mental Toughness Explained

Mentally Tough Habits

Find Your Place

Lead Your Way

Own Your Response

Summary

Contents

Exercises

Further Development

Ask for Help

3

Introduction

At the same time, my father was ill

and his partner dying. I was faced with a

building disagreement with my neighbours

and had to familiarize myself with building

legislation and legal claims. I also

supported my wife with as she negotiated

and transitioned to a new job and was

hands on at home with my 4 and 6-year-old

daughte s. I did t ha e old g oup of f ie ds to fall a k o . I did t feel self and it was noticeable to those around me.

It felt as if I was at a tipping point, where

things could go downwards quickly. Was

this really happening to me?

According to Martin Seligman, at any

point in time about 25% of the population

has so e fo of dep essio . I ot su e if I can say I was depressed, but this must

have been as close as I ever got to it. I was

just struggling to cope and felt as if I

ould t ha dle o e o e thi g. Of ou se, this ea t I ould t pe fo at est, either at work or at home. Many of the

coping mechanisms I used in that period,

are interventions you too can use to

increase your Mental Toughness.

At the time, I wrote about 14

interventions in a blog. The habits and self-

interventions I describe in this book are a

follow-up from this initial blog and are

applicable to anybody. We all can be sure

e ll ha e so e halle gi g ti es du i g our lifetime. Our problems and challenges

ight e s all o pa ed to othe s , ut e still have to deal with them.

I often think that our parents and

grandparents had to be tougher to survive and

thrive than we do now. My Dutch grandfather

lived to 101 years of age and saw two world wars

in his lifetime. His country was occupied for five

years in the World War II and he and his family

were displaced. After the war, as a worker, it was

common to cycle for ten kilometres just to find

out if you had a job for that day. If you were

rejected, you went home without pay but still

had to feed your family.

M ife s g a dpa e ts es aped the Nazis in World War II to build up a life in Australia.

They had to make quick decisions, leave

everything behind and overcome many

challenges to find a safer life. My parents

divorced when I was three years old, leaving my

mum to raise my sister and I single headedly on a

very tight budget. She skipped breaks during

work to make extra money. She made sure my

sister and I were the first in our family to have

the opportunity to go to university and could

pursue educated careers. This book is dedicated

to her resilience.

Compared to their struggles my life has

ee lessed a d eas . Ho e e , that does t ea I do t ha e o st uggles a d

problems to deal with to be able to perform at

my best. In 2014, for the first time in my life, I

clearly noticed that I was operating at the limit of

my mental coping capabilities. What led to this

situation was a disagreement on commercial

leaving terms at my job, which resulted in a

negative and isolated time that would last 10

months.

Though y p o le s a e ea i gless, that does t ake the go a ay Neil Young

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Introduction

Me tal Tough ess does t o l help ou deal ette ith life s halle ges, it also helps you perform to your best ability in whatever you

wish to pursue, and live up to your full potential.

You might have noticed that some people just

seem to be able to deal with anything. They cope

with change, stay calm under pressure and seem

to bounce back quicker from setbacks. They dare

to challenge the status quo and put themselves

out of their comfort zone to explore new

opportunities. They seem to have the confidence

to tackle any kind of problem and deal well with

difficult people along the way. They take good

care of themselves and their relationships. If

ou e e e see so e od like that, ou e observed a Mentally Tough individual.

The good thing is, we can all become a

little bit more like that person by building our

Mental Toughness over time. Mental Toughness

is ot o l useful fo elite athletes, CEO s, successful entrepreneurs, or people who achieve

amazing things. Mental Toughness is applicable

and helpful to all of us in our day-to-day life. That

said, we can certainly learn from great examples

and aspire to their strengths. If you have an

interest in self-improvement, and in particular in

improving your health, wellbeing, and

performance by being more Mentally Tough, this

book is for you.

In this book I write about 15 of the

qualities Mentally Tough individuals might

show: their habits and the questions they ask

themselves when they stand in front of the

mirror in the morning. The book focuses on

straight forward self-interventions you can

apply to develop the same qualities and build

your own Mental Toughness. I will share

some examples from my personal life and

the lives of close friends and family

members. I thank them for sharing their

stories.

To keep the book short and sharp, only

a brief introduction on the origins of Mental

Toughness is included. For a detailed

discussion of the origins of Mental

Toughness, I suggest the book Developing

Mental Toughness: Improving Performance,

Wellbeing and Positive Behaviours in Others.

I wrote this e-book primarily to educate the

reader on Mental Toughness and to promote

self-awareness. In it, I provide exercises

where you can document your current

situation and I suggest insightful books for

further reading and apps to support Mentally

Tough habits. Finally, I offer my professional

help to guide you in measuring your Mental

Toughness and coach you to improve.

Let this book be the first step to becoming

yourself at your best.

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About the Author

At a certain point, I went through 10

terrible months in my career. I was holding

back tears in the office and feeling at the

maximum of my mental capacity. I now

know that some of the characteristics and

habits that got me through that time, and

luckily came natural to me, are those of the

Mentally Tough . I became an IECL coach

and AQR accredited Mental Toughness

coach and I now help individuals building

the awareness and skills to deal with

setbacks, develop self-excellence and

improve performance. I do this in

Melbourne, Australia where I reside with

my wife and two girls.

I found my purpose in bringing

positive change and supporting individuals

and business to be themselves at their

best. I combine all my skills, experiences

and passion as coach and consultant in

pursuit of this aim, and I founded

MentalToughness.online to bring Mental

Toughness to the world for this same

reason. I believe that every individual or

business can excel if obstacles are removed

and the right mindset is created. This book

is just a small part in my journey and I

sincerely hope that it will be a useful guide

in your journey towards self-improvement.

May Mental Toughness be with you!

Niels van Hove

Founder, MentalToughness.online

Hi, I’m Niels

For 18 years, I worked as supply chain

manager in a variety of countries and industries,

including large multinational companies. During

my career and travels, I realised something;

there are no problems, only people! Helping

people work together to improve business

performance became my passion.

Soo , I lea ed that people s i dsets a d behaviours are often obstacles to working

together better. I started reading, learning and

writing about behaviours and company culture

and published several articles on leadership,

culture and supply chain in renowned

magazines.

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Mental Toughness Explained

Mentally Tough individuals are simply

mentally and physically healthier and

perform better. Research shows that they

sleep better, make better decisions under

stress, recover faster from injury, feel less

bullied, take on change more easily and

perform up to 25% better. Males and

females are almost equally Mentally Tough.

Mental Toughness is correlated with

emotional intelligence. Perhaps most

importantly, Mental Toughness is

developable.

Although it has its origins in sport,

Mental Toughness can be applied in

business and daily life to reach your goals.

Whether as an executive business leader, a

team leader, or a leader of your own life,

you can adopt habits that make you more

Mentally Tough. Mental Toughness is not

about acting tough, macho or uncaring. It is

about showing strength, toughness and

confidence in seeking opportunity to

prevail, even when the odds are against

you.

Mental Toughness is a combination of

resilience, the curiosity and drive to grow

yourself and confidence in your own abilities and

interactions with people. Mental Toughness has

been used in elite sport psychology for over 30

years to increase performance. It was first

defined in 1982 by performance psychologist Dr.

Jim Loehr as the a ilit to o siste tl pe fo towards the upper range of your talent

ega dless of o petiti e i u sta es .

Peter Clough holds the chair in Applied

Psychology at Manchester Metropolitan

University and is a world-leading academic in

this field. He defi es Me tal Tough ess as a personality trait which determines in large part,

how people respond to challenge, stress and

pressure, irrespective of their circumstances.’

Through his research, Clough found that

there are four attributes that characterise

Me tal Tough ess. These a e alled the C s, and are described in the below table. In 2002,

Clough pu lished the o ld s fi st alid a d reliable survey to measure Mental Toughness,

the MTQ48. This is an online, 48-question

psychometric survey that measures Mental

Tough ess a oss the fou C s at a i di idual o a group level.

Attribute Description

Commitment I promise to do it. I will set a goal and do whatever it takes to deliver.

Control I really believe I can do it. I will keep my emotions in check when doing it.

Challenge I driven to do it, I will take a chance and acceptable risk. Setbacks will

make me stronger.

Confidence I believe I have the ability to do it. I can stand my ground if I need to.

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Mental Toughness Explained

We can be sure our children will have

to deal with adversity and challenges. Like

us, our children need to be ready to deal

with this life and be the best they can be.

That s h I a t hild e to de elop Mental Toughness. Many schools are

starting to make important life skills like

grit, resilience and Mental Toughness part

of their curriculum and luckily, my

daughte s s hool is o e of the . I the words of an 8 year old, see below how my

daughter showed strength and tried to

prevail, even when the odds were against

here and her basketball team.

Many understand resilience as the ability

to recover from setbacks. By definition,

resilience is reactive. Mental Toughness adds to

resilience with further proactive attributes:

seeking challenge, embracing change and finding

opportunity with self-confidence. Another

commonly referred to personal trait is grit,

defi ed A gela Du k o th as Passio a d pe se e a e fo a lo g te goal . Grit is

closely linked to the commitment attribute of

Mental Toughness. Grit is not correlated with

e otio al i tellige e a d does t easu e confidence, challenge, or control and it therefore

has less depth than Mental Toughness in terms

of self-development.

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Mentally Tough Habits

First and foremost, a Mentally Tough individual is comfortable in their own skin. They need to have

self-awareness, know who they are, what their starting point is, and stand their ground and

persevere to get where they want to go. What follows in this e-book are 15 habits, proven to help

ou i ease ou Me tal Tough ess o e ti e. I e g ouped the i to th ee a eas:

Set

Goals Take

Action

Focus Self-

Reward

Challenge

Yourself

Find Your

Place

Use

Strengths Find

Meaning

Know

What

Matters

Nurture

Relation

ships

Nurture

Self

Lead Your

Way

Own Your

Response

Stay

Positive

Manage

Self-Talk

Manage

Emotions

Be

Present Accept

Failure

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Find Your Place

Use

Strengths Find

Meaning

Know

What

Matters

Nurture

Relation

ships

Nurture

Self

Find Your Place

You need to know what your

starting point is in life and where

to go from there. Sift through the

cloud of possibilities and distil who

you want to be, how you want to

feel and who you want with you

along the way.

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Find Meaning

To find meaning, start asking yourself

questions like:

• What do I want my legacy to be?

• What is my proudest moment in my career?

• What s si gle pie e of life ad i e?

• Who do I admire and why?

• What is bigger than me?

• If I had one year left to live, what would I do

in this world?

Somewhere along the intersection of the

a s e s, ou ll sta t to fi d ea i g. Thi k about whether you spend enough time where it

atte s ost. Dis uss hat ou e lea ed ith a trusted person or a coach. Try to spend time in

your life on what, in your experience, has given

you meaning

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Did I do something meaningful?

• Do I love what I do?

• Do I contribute to something bigger?

• What is my purpose?

Find meaning

If you find meaning or purpose in what you

do, you can overcome any setback or situation.

Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor,

found that all survivors of the concentration

camps had one thing in common: meaning. He

wrote the book Man’s Search for Meaning, and

developed logo-therapy, as a way to help people

fi d ea i g. A o di g to F a kl; Life is e e made unbearable by circumstances, but only by

la k of ea i g a d pu pose. Mea i g gi es ou additional Mental Toughness to make any

circumstance bearable in your life journey.

Mea i g does t o l ake us o e resilient. According to Martin Seligman, founder

of the positive psychology movement, true

happiness is found in a meaningful life. Indeed,

happiness levels are positively correlated with a

ea i gful life. Ho e e , fi di g ea i g is t always easy, and to find meaning, we sometimes

have to perform tasks that do t ake us happ in the moment, but might give us meaning in the

longer term. The pursuit of shallow happiness,

might even be related to feelings of emptiness,

or a life that lacks meaning. But once we find

meaning, our commitment to the cause has no

limits. Finding meaning, purpose and fulfillment

has been described as self-actualisation by

psychologist Abraham Maslow in his hierarchy

of needs. Finding purpose has been popularised

by Simon Sinek in his book Start with Why.

He ho has a hy to li e a ea al ost a y ho Friedrich Nietzsche

Find Your Place

Self-intervention

Daily questions

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A personal story

My proudest moment in my career basically boiled down to

one thing, and it had nothing to do with business or financial

achievements. When I left the Netherlands to go to Australia,

the a age shook ha d a d said; Niels, tha ks a lot, I lea ed a lot f o ou . A othe a age told e; ou

ought positi e ha ge . Edu ati g people, aki g the better and bringing positive change is what I need to do as

oa h a d o sulta t. It s hat akes e glo . I get additional meaning by providing services to social

enterprises and charities, including sharing the proceeds of

this book with a charity that supports mental health.

I got through the toughest moment in my career by thinking

about my children. When I was on the verge of a nervous

breakdown and felt like crying at my desk, they gave me

meaning to get me through the day. I wore a wristband my

daughter made as an anchor to remind me of that. Now, in

daily life, I can find meaning in something as simple as a

sunset, beautiful clouds or a full moon.

Niels van Hove

Find Meaning

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Use Strengths

Make sure you have an idea about what

your strengths are. Discover your character

strengths with a free strengths test. You can

also do an alternative free aptitude test.

Read the outcomes of the tests with an

open mind and discuss them with a trusted

person or a coach. Find ways to incorporate

your top strengths in your daily life. This

does t ea ou ha e to uit ou jo at once. Pick up a new hobby, volunteer, or

research how people you admire have

incorporated strengths in their lives.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Did I use my strengths today?

• Am I maximising my skillset?

• Where else can I put my strengths to use?

• Am I building mastery?

Use strengths

We all have character and skill strengths.

According to Martin Seligman, leading authority

in positive psychology, the path to happiness is

best achieved when we learn how to maximize

our strengths. We often pay disproportionate

attention to our weaknesses, yet science shows

clearly that correcting our weaknesses takes us

only so far on the journey to reach our potential.

Rather, doing more of what we do best opens up

the most effective pathways to both success and

happiness.

There are 24 character strengths we all

possess to varying degrees. They fall under six

broad virtue categories: wisdom, courage,

humanity, justice, temperance, and

transcendence. These virtues have been

developed through thousands of years of

religious and philosophical traditions. They are

malleable and valued in their own right by

almost every culture. Seligman developed the

scientific VIA survey of character strength, which

has been taken by over 3 million people in 190

countries to make positive change for

themselves. People who use their top five

strengths each day are six times more likely to be

engaged in their work and 3 times more likely to

report high life satisfaction. Using your strengths

makes it easier to get through tough moments in

life and helps you progress in whatever direction

your journey is taking you.

The good life is usi g you sig atu e st e gth e e y day Martin Seligman

Find Your Place

Self-intervention

Daily questions

13

A personal story

My top three character strengths are, curiosity and interest

in the world, humour and playfulness, and love of learning.

They are very present in my personal and business life.

I ould t li e a da ithout a ki g a joke o i gi g e e g to a usi ess eeti g, that s just e. E i o e ts without a sense of humour drain me and impact my

performance, making me unhappy and less Mentally Tough.

My curiosity is fed by meeting new people for business and

coaching new people. I learn from the people I meet and the

businesses where I consult. The blogs and articles I write

e ui e esea h, lea i g, a d u iosit too. I a t e el i e i o e ts he e u iosit a d lo e of lea i g a t be fed. Looking back at my career, I left organisations

e ause the e e egati e o u iosit as t fed anymore, and I felt that I had stopped learning and growing.

Niels van Hove

Use Strengths

Use Strengths

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Know What Matters

Know what matters

E e he ou e i a te i le situatio , it is good to keep perspective and think about

what matters. Acknowledge your issues and how

they make you feel, but realise there are more

important things out there. You will likely get out

of this situation one day and your life will go on.

Your self-worth is made up from more than just

this situation. You are a friend, a partner, maybe

a parent. Your friends and family will still love

you. No matter what. You have hobbies and

things you are good at.

Knowing what matters is very much linked

to the emotional control attribute of Mental

Toughness. Knowing what matters helps us keep

our emotions and anxiety under control in a

stressful situation. It helps us focus on what we

a o t ol a d o less a out hat e a t control. It gives us a reason to put our problems

in perspective and choose not to take things too

personally. Knowing what matters gives us a

positive anchor to relate to, reminds us there are

still many good things happening, and helps us

to avoid becoming overwhelmed with our issues.

If there is no solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it.

If there is a solution to the problem then don't waste time worrying about it.

Dalai Lama

Find Your Place

Self-intervention

Daily questions

Some of the below self-interventions and

habits are proven to increase our mood and

happiness and therefore our ability to deal with

hardship :

• Savour important moments.

• Practise gratitude.

• Perform random acts of kindness.

• Every day, write down three good things

that happened to you.

• Keep things in perspective.

• Do t o a out hat ou a t o t ol. • Do t take thi gs too pe so all .

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Do I appreciate the important things in life?

• Am I thankful for what I have?

• What are the important things in my life?

• Do I spend enough time on what matters?

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Nurture Self

Nurture self

A 30-minute brisk walk significantly

increases oxygen levels in your brain for up to 4

hours afterwards. If you do this daily it improves

your mood, creativity, and performance and

ou ll u so e alo ies as a o us! Gi i g your mind a break helps too. A NASA study of

4000 employees showed that those that took a

30-minute break to meditate, nap, or do

something that refreshed them, experienced

35% increase in productivity and up to 50%

improvement in decision making, compared to

those that did t.

On top of your physical and mental

exercise, makes sure you eat lots of vegetables

and fruit. Moderate your coffee and alcohol

intake. Get enough sleep. This all sounds very

o ious, a d that s e ause it is. Ho e e , e ofte do t ake e ough ti e to eall u tu e ourselves. Be honest. Do you really look after

yourself and your energy as well as you should?

Nurturing ourselves and managing our energy

levels will boost our mood, confidence, and

strength so that we can give our best mental

and physical performance.

It is health that is ealth a d ot pie es of gold a d sil e Mahatma Ghandi

Find Your Place

Self-intervention

Daily questions

Self-interventions for nurturing yourself

are obvious and you can read many expert

books on the subject. Here are some simple

tips for a busy workweek:

• Plan your daily physical or mental break

and book it in your agenda.

• Walk or cycle to work if possible.

• Build in a break between meetings.

• Go for a walk during your lunchbreak.

• Plan a regular AFW (Alcohol Free Week).

• No screen time after 8pm.

• Meditate before going to bed.

• Buy fruit and veg for the whole week, so

it s al a s the e to g a .

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Did I take care of myself today?

• Did I eat healthily today?

• Did I get enough sleep to be at my best?

• How can I nurture myself better?

16

Nurture Relationships

Continuously build and maintain worthy

relations and surround yourself with people

that give you energy rather than drain it.

• Schedule time to meet with people who

give you energy.

• Spend less time with energy takers.

• Think about how you can help a friend.

• Help a colleague get better at what

the e doi g. • Help someone to build mastery.

• Invite someone to play sports.

• Join a community of like-minded people.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Did I call a good friend today?

• Have I visited my family lately?

• Did I help a colleague today?

• Did I support somebody today?

• How can I improve my relations?

Nurture relationships

Building and maintaining relationships,

sharing thoughts and feelings and making others

feel part of things, builds engagement. It is

effective from a business perspective, as

showing an interest and caring about others is

strongly correlated with engagement between

leaders and employees. 2015 research from

M Ki se a ked ei g suppo ti e fi st out of 20 effective leadership behaviours. Similarly, a

Gallup survey has found that the statement most

o elated ith e plo ee e gage e t is M supervisor or someone at work seems to care

a out e as a pe so .

Individuals who show affiliation and an

interest in helping others grow, have higher life

satisfaction and work satisfaction. Compassion

for others has been correlated with happiness.

On top of this, individuals who have invested in

relationships have a network to fall back on

when times get tough. Friends, family and

colleagues can offer support, ideas to deal with

the situation, or just the chance to take your

mind off the situation. This will support your

mental strength in times of hardship or when big

decisions need to be made. Having trustworthy

elatio s i ou life ea s ou e e e totall alone.

T uth is, e e y ody is goi g to hu t you: you just gotta find

the o es o th suffe i g fo

Find Your Place

Self-intervention

Daily questions

17

Lead Your Way

Set

Goals Take

Action

Focus Self-

Reward

Challenge

Yourself

Lead Your Way

It is your responsibility to

grow yourself as a person. Only

you can take the first action to

push yourself in the right direction

and find your way forward from

your starting point.

Wa

ll a

rt i

n t

he

wo

rkp

lace

at

on

e o

f m

y c

lie

nts

ww

w.g

raffitistu

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18

Challenge Yourself

Self Intervention is about purposely

operating outside of your comfort zone. To

challenge yourself you can:

• Set a tiny commitment outside your

comfort zone.

• Try something completely new.

• Do a task you were procrastinating about.

• Have that difficult conversation.

• Do that thing you always wanted to do.

For anxiety and stress control you can use:

• Controlled breathing.

• Controlled distraction.

• Meditation.

• Visualisation of your new activity.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Did I do something new today?

• Did I operate outside my comfort zone?

• Where else can I put my strengths to use?

• What s e t halle ge?

Challenge yourself

In her book Mindset, Carol Dweck

discusses the fixed mindset versus the growth

mindset. People with a fixed mindset believe

their talent and capabilities in life are a given and

not a lot can be done about them. People with a

growth mindset believe that every skill can be

trained and feel they are the master of their

destiny.

D e k s decades of research and many

experiments show two important things. First of

all, people can be influenced to take on a fixed or

growth mindset before they take on a task.

Secondly, individuals or groups with a growth

mindset almost always outperform those with a

fixed mindset.

We can all learn to take on a growth

mindset and challenge ourselves to become

better, get out of our comfort zone and learn

new things. In the end, the most exciting events

in our life and in business usually happens when

e step out of ou o fo t zo e. That s he e we learn new things, find solutions and innovate.

Intrinsic motivation is important when setting

goals. As Seligman says in his book Authentic

Happiness, Authe ti happi ess de i es f o raising the bar for yourself, not rating yourself

agai st othe s.

You eithe step fo a d i g o th, o a k a d i to safety Abraham Maslow

Lead Your Way

Self-intervention

Daily questions

19

Set Goals

Self-intervention in goal setting is really

about the activity of imagining and planning of

goals and reminding yourself to execute

activities ideally until they become habits.

• Always use SMARTER (Specific, Measureable,

Achievable, Realistic, Time bound, Exciting,

Recorded) goals.

• Split larger goals in to smaller, achievable

and less impressive bits.

• Document your activities in a project plan

and make sure its always visible.

• Use an anchor to remind you of the activities

you need to do.

• Visualise your goals in your mind or draw

them on a story board.

• Gamify a boring task to increase the fun.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• What does my future look like?

• Do I have clear goals for my future?

• What is my next step towards my goal?

• How can I set better goals?

Set goals

Goals give us direction and set us up to

achieve. When we set goals, we need to plan our

future to achieve them. Setting goals is very

much part of the commitment attribute of

Mental Toughness.

Even without financial incentives, goal-

setting improves worker performance by 12% to

15% compared to the situation where no goals

were defined. Applied sport psychology offers

many principles of effective goals setting and

separates goals you can fully control from goals

ith depe de ies ou a t o t ol. M Clella d s hu a oti atio theo indicates

that individuals who set moderate goals that are

meaningful to them, are more motivated and

successful in reaching them.

Intrinsic motivation is important when

setting goals. Constantly comparing ourselves to

others means fighting a losing battle. Studies

show that self worth based on external factors is

actually harmful to mental health. Mental

Tough ess is ot all a out i i g; it s a out striving for your best performance or your best

intrinsic self. Many elite athletes who have been

uoted as ha i g said I just a t to e the est I a , e t to e o e o ld ha pio s.

If you do t k o he e you e goi g, you ight ot get the e Yogi Berra

Lead Your Way

Self-intervention

Daily questions

20

A personal story

Logan Merrick

Co-founder http://www.buzinga.com.au/

My business partner, Graham McCorkill, and I started our business (Buzinga App Development)

fou ea s ago. As a ea old I did t k o ho to uild a usi ess, let alo e g o o e. A d although Graham had previously been involved in many other business, our ambition for Buzinga exceeded the

achievements of those businesses.

A friend of ours recommended that we get a coach, invest time with that coach, and more

i po ta tl , i est ti e i pla i g ho e e e goi g to uild a d g o ou usi ess. This ad i e is some of the best I have ever received. I found a coach and worked with him to define and visualise the

bright future of our business. Then together we reverse engineered the process of building the

business, starting by setting yearly targets, identifying the key initiatives over the next 3-5 years that

would enable our growth, and setting key activities for the next 12 months and rocks (projects that

must be completed) for the next 3 months.

The e o ked ou utts off to follo the pla . It as t eas , ut e had a isio that e e e both excited by. Within four years my business partner and I have grown our business to high seven

figures and forecasting eight figures next year. We employ over 33 people in Australia and another 60

people in our offshore development office, with some local contractors. By clearly defining our goals we

were able to drive the business in the right direction.

21

Take Action

Take action

Putting things off, or procrastination, is one

of the most common forms of self-handicapping

among a wide range of people. It can be seen as

a coping mechanism to reduce stress in the short

term, but in the long term it increases stress.

However small or big your goal or dream is, it all

starts with the first step. And the first step is

sometimes the hardest because we envision how

much we have ahead of us.

But he e do othi g, e e su e e o t ea h ou goals. You goal o d ea is t a

one-off event, it is a process. You will fail, learn

and grow along the way. That in itself is a good

easo to sta t so ethi g e . You a t ait until your situation or skill is perfect, because it

e e ill e. You a t ait u til e e od ag ees ith ou, e ause the usuall o t. As the sa i g goes, he eati g a elepha t take o e ite at the ti e , the est a to ea h a ig goals is with many small steps. Once you start

putting yourself in to motion, you can create a

snowball effect in other parts of your life.

Sometimes we need to take action to

change our habits. In his book The Power of

Habit, Charles Duhigg describes how every habit

has a cue, a routine, and a reward. It explains

how small changes in our daily routines can

create a snowball effect that improves our lives

in many different ways, and even how changing a

habit can change a whole business culture. But

before we can change a habit, we first need to

take action to understand our habitual cues,

routines, and rewards.

A jou ey of a thousa d iles egi s ith a si gle step Lao-Tzu

Lead Your Way

Self-intervention Self-intervention to take action is really

about preparing yourself to take the first step

towards your goals.

• Split larger goals in to smaller, more

achievable and less impressive bits.

• Visualise your next step.

• Ask somebody to hold you to account if you

struggle taking the first step.

• Plan a reward after taking the first step.

• Use positive self-talk. Tell ou self ou e capable of taking the first step.

• Understand your habits.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• What is the next action towards my goal?

• Did I take action today?

• Where am I on the motivation ladder?

Daily questions

Motivation ladder

22

Focus

Focus

In our busy lives we field so many

continuous impulses from our surroundings that

it a e ha d to sta fo used o hat e e doing. However, when we focus, we achieve

o e, ith ette ualit esults. We e also likely to feel less stressed, when we finish our

tasks on time.

Research suggests that the average

attention span for a young person is 6-8 minutes.

Other research tells us that on average

employees check their email 74 times a day and

focus on a computer screen for only about 75

seconds before shifting attention. With all these

disruptions, we can lose up to 30% of the work

we did! Multi tasking is a myth; our brain works

sequentially and can only do one task at a time.

However, our brain rewards us with a little hit of

dopamine every time we switch tasks and we

have to train ourselves to overcome this

addi tio . With t ai i g it is possi le to i p o e your attention span to 30 or even 45 minutes.

The Pareto principle states that we achieve

80% of our work within 20% of our time. So

imagine what you can achieve when you focus

for a prolonged time on what gives you meaning

or is most important to reach your goals.

Remember, having time is just a matter of

priority! We all have 24 hours in a day.

To e e e y he e is to e o he e Lucius Seneca

Lead Your Way

Self-intervention

Daily questions

Self-intervention to focus is part time

management and part mental strength to stick

to the task at hand.

• Use the Eisenhower matrix to assess hat s urgent and important and needs focus.

• Make a clear task list.

• Commit to a focused working time.

• Set an alarm for your focus time.

• Shut out distractions (e.g. phone, email).

• Use controlled distractions (e.g. music).

• Reward yourself after your focus time.

• Create routines to support your focus time.

• Meditate or practise mindfulness to improve

your concentration span.

• Be rested and fed before your focus time

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• What s the ost i po ta t task at ha d?

• Did I catch myself losing focus today?

• Did I finish what I started?

• How can I improve my focus?

23

A personal story

In January 2013 my life as I had known it for 23 years ended. My marriage was over and I lost my

job. Many of the certainties I had always taken for granted were gone. I was now alone with my three

daughte s. Fo a o e t I did t k o hat to do, ut soo I ealised I had to take o t ol of self, set myself goals. I asked myself: What do I want? What can I do? But above all, who do I want to be?

For years I thought I had to be perfect in my roles as wife, mother, employee, daughter, friend, etc. But

now I was asking myself, what do I want for myself? What will make me happy?

I started to listen more to my own needs and feelings and act accordingly. This simple change had

a significant impact. I learned to get positive energy out of the smallest things in life. I learned to park

negative feelings and not focus on them too much. This gave me energy and I felt myself and the world

around me growing. My new approach to life gave me confidence and faith in my own abilities.

Because of my new me I met interesting new people and new opportunities came along. I experienced

that a positive mind will give you a positive life.

I started my own business for which I had to develop new skills and specialise in building websites

and search engine optimisation. Despite all the uncertainty of a new business and little income, I

pe se e ed. I tough o e ts, I told self, Daph e, elie e i ou self! You a do it! No , usi ess is goi g ell. I li e i the o e t a d I e fou d a e e ed passio fo life a d fo o k.

I e e o e a happie , st o ge , a d ette e sio of self. I did it!

Daphne van Hove

www.daphnecommunicatie.nl

24

Self-Reward

Self-reward

High achieving individuals set goals for

themselves and are motivated to plan and

execute them. But research shows that high

achievers who are also perfectionists are more

likely to burn out. Perfectionism, in psychology,

is a personality trait characterised the pursuit of

flawlessness, excessively high personal

performance standards, overly critical self-

e aluatio a d o e s ega di g othe s evaluation. Perfectionists reach goals, but are

more likely to have a burn out or experience

depression.

Being very hard on ourselves activates our

fight-or-flight response, increases adrenalin and

cortisol levels and increases stress. Criticising

ourselves is not a good strategy to motivate

ourselves. It reduces our focus and performance.

Self-reward, on the other hand, plays an

important part in staying motivated and keeps

up our mood and performance. We can be 100%

committed to self-improvement and still reward

ourselves. A great example comes from tennis

great Novak Djokovic, who has a strict sugarless

diet. Afte his ea si hou s fi al agai st ‘afael Nadal at the 2012 Australian Open, he had a

a i g fo ho olate, hi h he had t eate fo 18 months. When somebody brought him a bar,

he broke off one square, let it melt in his mouth,

and left the rest.

The jou ey is the e a d. Chinese proverb

Lead Your Way

Self-intervention

Daily questions

Self-intervention in self-reward is firstly

about observing whether you are criticising

ou self. Se o dl , it s a out defi i g e a ds that support your goals:

• Acknowledge learning as progress.

• Acknowledge progress even when things

a e t % pe fe t. • Reward yourself for making small steps.

• Practise self compassion.

• Practise mindfulness to notice the effect of

self-criticism.

• Tell others about your progress.

• Write your achievements down.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Am I too hard on myself?

• Was I trying to be perfect today?

• Did I reward myself for my achievements?

• What is going to be my next reward?

25

Own Your Response

Stay

Positive

Manage

Self-Talk

Manage

Emotions

Be

Present Accept

Failure

Own Your Response

You have a choice in how you

respond to any situation in your

life. You will have setbacks. Be

ready to deal with any type of

internal or external stimulus in the

most effective way.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power

to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Viktor Frankl

26

Accept Failure

Accept failure

If reaching your goal is a journey rather

than a destination, then failure is part of your

journey. Some studies suggest it takes on

average 12 attempts at change before a change

becomes permanent. Without failure there is no

learning. We have to accept that failure is part of

our growth and of getting better, of innovating -

even more so if we challenge ourselves and put

ourselves out of our comfort zone and into new

situations.

Elite athletes understand the need for

failure very well and so do leading innovative

entrepreneurs. In his book Bounce, Matthew

S ed asse ts that P og ess is uilt upo the foundation of necessary failure’. The lean

concepts that many young start-ups use, are all

about failing, learning and adapting fast. As Elon

Musk says about his company SpaceX, which cut

space traffic cost by over 90% and landed a

o ket a k o ea th; failu e is a optio he e. If ou e ot faili g, ou e ot i o ati g e ough.

With failure comes the need to deal with

the disappointment that, as what we set out to

a hie e did t happe at fi st. Ho e e , if e see failure as a learning experience that takes us one

step closer to our goal, it gives us positive

reinforcement. Or as American business man

Ma k Cu a sa s; E e o gets e lose to a es. We a all hoose to deal positi el ith

failure.

I a a ept failu e, ut I a t a ept ot t yi g agai Michael Jordan

Own Your Response

Self-intervention

Daily questions

Self-intervention is about accepting that

failure is part of your journey, and to dealing

positively with failure. When you fail:

• Remind yourself of your bigger goal.

• Reflect on what you did well.

• Write down what you learned from a failure

and what you will do differently next time.

• Do t o a out hat ou ould t o t ol. • Think forward and plan your next try.

• Use positive self-talk to reinforce what has

ea i g to ou a d hat ou e good at.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Did I give my best when I failed?

• How did my failure make me better?

• What did I learn from my last attempt?

• How can I improve my next attempt?

27

Stay Positive

Stay positive

Martin Seligman believes there are two

type of people: positive and negative ones. He

has done masses of research over the past

decades and has gathered evidence of the

significance of being positive. In his

book Learned Optimism he describes how

positive individuals are less depressed, live

healthier and longer and perform better

compared to negative people. Negative people

are up to eight times more likely to get

depressed. In one insurance company, Seligman

found the most positive 10% of sales-men, sold

88% more insurance policies than the most

negative 10% of sales-men.

Positive individuals bounce back easier and

give it another go after they first fail. They see

opportunities where others see threats. The

people we deem lucky in life, have often created

their own luck by having a positive mindset. And

besides all the proof from research, think about

it. Do you prefer to be around positive

individuals or the negative ones? Being positive

is a choice we all can make. So is nurturing

relations with positive people.

See the positi e side, the pote tial, a d ake a diffe e e Dalai Lama

Own Your Response

Self-intervention

Daily questions

It is proven that with some practice, we

can take control and change our thinking and

behaviour to become more positive.

• Recognise negative thoughts, and replace

them with constructive thoughts.

• Make self affirmations: Use short statements

that have meaning to you.

• Practise self-appreciation: Write down and

reflect on things you like about yourself.

• Savour the moment: Each day, purposely

extend a moment that gives you joy.

• WWW: Take time to reflect every day on

What Went Well.

• Nurture relations that give positive energy.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Did I feel positive today?

• Did I have many negative thoughts today?

• Can I see a positive angle to this situation?

• How can I improve my positivity?

28

Be Present

Be present

When we go about our daily routines and

do t deli e atel pa atte tio to hat e e doing, our brain switches to default mode. This is

the auto ati pilot pa t of the ai he e e can get lost in our thoughts and worries.

Research shows that spending too much time in

default mode can have a negative impact on our

well-being. Experiencing the world through our

thoughts rather than our active senses can result

in increased stress, anxiety, and depression.

Being fully present and mindful while

interacting with other people improves our

relationships. Mindfulness has also been related

to increased performance through improved

short-term memory and quicker, more accurate

i fo atio p o essi g. Whe e e i dful, e also become calmer and control our emotions

better. We also increase our ability to 100%

concentrate on a chosen object or a mental

state. By being present we improve our mental

wellness, relations, and performance. Being

present is a choice we make.

The a ility to e i the p ese t o e t is a ajo o po e t of e tal ell ess

Abraham Maslow

Own Your Response

Self-intervention

Daily questions

Being present is being mindful. Here are

some interventions to practise your

mindfulness:

• Mindful routines (e.g. brushing your teeth)

• Mindful walking.

• Mindful cooking or eating.

• Mindful breathing or meditating.

• Mindful drawing or colouring.

• Controlled distractions (e.g. music).

• Instrument playing.

• Puzzle or origami.

• Any activity that makes you forget time.

You can find more detailed explanations of

these interventions here.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Did I catch myself being absent minded

today?

• Did my thoughts wander off today?

• Was I really listening to people today?

• How can I improve my presence?

29

Manage Self-Talk

Manage self-talk

In our busy day-to-day lives, our mind

wanders off frequently in to distracting thoughts

and self talk. We have a chat with ourselves

about our next business meeting or a crucial

conversation we had yesterday. Sometimes this

self-talk turns negative and descends into

worrying about the future, ruminating about the

past, or criticising ourselves or our lives. This can

activate our flight-or-fight response, which can

wear us out. Negative thoughts before a

performance are likely to influence the

pe fo a e egati el . It s est to e positi e or have no thoughts at all and just focus on the

task ahead.

We are what we think. Too many negative

thoughts about the world and judgements about

others can have a significant impact on our

feelings, our behaviour, our performance, and

our lives. That s h e ha e to o ito a d manage our self-talk, both throughout the day

and at the moment of performance. Fortunately,

one of the most significant findings in psychology

is that individuals can choose how they think.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a proven

psychological intervention that focuses on

changing unhelpful thoughts, feelings and

behaviours.

Whethe you thi k you a , o you thi k you a t. You e ight. Henry Ford

Own Your Response

Self-intervention

Daily questions

It is proven that with some practice, we

can take control and change our thinking and

our behaviour:

• Stop negative thoughts.

• Make self affirmations: Use short statements

about yourself.

• Use an affirmation app to support your effort.

• Use a a tio o d efo e ou e a out to e e ute ou task, like Let s go!

• Practise positive self-talk: Tell yourself why

ou a do hat ou e a out to do. • Use meditation or mindfulness to practise

clearing the mind before performing.

• Use an anchor to remind you to manage your

self-talk.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• Was I aware of my self-talk today?

• What type of self talk did I observe today?

• How can I talk myself in to looking forward

to my next challenge?

30

A personal story

What does it take to run an ultramarathon, (that is, any distance further than the classic marathon

distance of 42.2km)? What separates the ultramarathon runners from the marathon runners? Is there

a difference? Absolutely. In one word: PAIN. Having run about 20 competitive marathons and ultra-

marathons and done many more in training, I can tell you that the only difference between a marathon

runner and an ultramarathon runner is the ability to withstand more suffering for longer.

I fell in love with trail and ultra-distance running when I was training for my first marathon. I read

about a guy called Dean Karnazes who had just run 135 miles across Death Valley. I couldn't believe

someone could do that, yet at the same time it occurred to me that if I could train hard enough, maybe

it was possible. I was intrigued, and determined to find out if I had what it took to do something many

would consider extraordinary, or more likely insane. In due course I would run ultramarathons,

including a 100km ultra which is particularly notable because for the last 85 km I ran with a broken foot.

I didn't know my foot was broken, I only knew that I was in pain. I was able to run through that pain

because I had put up with worse and knew how to get through it.

Withstanding exceptional pain requires exceptional mental discipline and inner strength to tough

it out. I used a t as su h as it ill get ette , it al a s does , keep o i g fo a d, ou'll get the e a d pai is just eak ess lea i g the od ! . I used editatio te h i ues i hi h I pe fo ed odil scans and breathed in and out of areas of pain. I focused only on my breath or footfall to help me

disassociating from the pain. The difficulty doesn't lie in your physical self, what is truly hard is mentally

breaking through the threshold of pain, again, and again, and again, in order to run for 10, 15, 20, or

more hours.

Mark Wenn

31

Manage Emotions

Manage emotions

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the capacity

to a age ou o a d e og ise othe s emotions. Individuals who score highly on EI

manage relations with others well. There is a lot

of evidence that EI contributes to higher stress

tolerance and better job performance. Mental

Toughness is highly correlated with emotional

intelligence.

To manage our emotions, we have to

manage our fight-or-flight response. This is a

physiological reaction that occurs in response to

a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to

su i al. It s ha d i ed i ou ai a d DNA. It can be activated by any perceived threat in our

daily life or in business. The activation of our

fight-or-flight response releases the stress

hormones adrenaline and cortisol.

This can make us lose control of our

behaviours and impact our performance in the

moment. When we expose ourselves to the

fight-or-flight response for too long, it can

negatively impact our immune system, blood

pressure and sleeping patterns. To manage your

emotions, it is important to understand what

triggers your flight-or-fight response and to

e og ise he it s a ti ated.

Whe a ge ises, thi k of the o se ue es Confucius

Own Your Response

Self-intervention

Daily questions

Think about a time you really got worked

up and lost your cool, both in your business and

your personal life. Was it because somebody

criticised your achievements, looks, opinion,

preferences, or anything else? Think about the

circumstances and try to find common themes

that activate your fight-or-flight response.

Discuss this with a friend.

• Prepare a default response when threatened.

• Use a keyword or an anchor to remind you of

your default response or to calm down.

• Use controlled breathing to stay calm.

• Use controlled distraction: intensely focus on

an object or a sound.

• Meditate or practise mindfulness.

• Smile! wWen we smile we release endorphins

which have a relaxing effect.

• Learn how to psych up or psych down.

Questions to ask yourself when you stand

in front of the mirror:

• When did I last lose my cool?

• What triggered my fight-or-flight response?

• How do I prevent losing my cool next time?

32

Mentally Tough Habits

Use

Strengths Find

Meaning

Know

What

Matters

Set

Goals Take

Action

Focus Self-

Reward

Challenge

Yourself

Stay

Positive

Manage

Self-Talk

Manage

Emotions

Be

Present Accept

Failure

Nurture

Relation

ships

Nurture

Self

Lead Your Way

Find Your Place

You need to know what your

starting point is in life and where

to go from there. Sift through the

cloud of possibilities and distill

who you want to be, how you want

to feel, and who you want with you

along the way.

It is your responsibility to

grow yourself as a person. Only

you can take the first action to

push yourself in the right direction

and find your way forward from

your starting point.

Own Your Response

You have a choice in how you

respond to any situation in your

life. You will have setbacks. Be

ready to deal with any type of

internal or external stimulus in the

most effective way.

Summary

33

Ask for Help

Many of the characteristics and techniques described in this book will help you build Mental

Tough ess. Ho e e , that does t gua a tee ou to ake it th ough the toughest ti es. If ou feel like ou a t ope a o e, please ask fo help. Talk to a f ie d, ou fa il , ou do to o a supporting local organisation.

This is especially important for men, who often do not talk about their issues or ask for help. In

Australia, where I live, suicide is the biggest killer of men aged 15- . Belo ou ll fi d so e g eat Australian organisations. They create awareness, provide useful information or support you with

mental health issues. If you need help, make sure you find a local organization to support you. Fifty

percent of all proceeds from this book will go to organisations supporting mental health.

Where to Go if You Can’t Cope

Mental Health Australia is the peak, national non-government organisation

representing and promoting the interests of the Australian mental health sector

and is committed to achieving better mental health for all Australians.

Beyondblue provides information and support to help everyone in

Australia achieve their best possible mental health, whatever their age

and wherever they live.

The Movember Foundation is a global charity committed to helping

men live happier, healthier, longer lives. Since 2003, millions have

joi ed this e s health o e e t.

Beyondblue

Mental Health Australia

Movember

34

Further Development

Coaching, Workshops, and Organisational Change

Free E-book

Free Training

The MTQ48 Coaching

Organisations

Book me to coach you through

the results of your Mental

Toughness reports or to coach

you towards other personal

objectives.

Take the only valid, reliable

Mental Toughness survey in the

world and receive a 12-page

personal development report.

Assess your o ga isatio s Mental

Toughness. Educate employees

and implement techniques to

improve health, wellbeing &

performance in your organisation.

your organization.

Team workshop

Lea a out the C s a d habits with your team. Measure

their Mental Toughness and find

ways to improve performance.

Develop your Mental Toughness further at MentalToughness.online. He e ou ll fi d a f ee su e to measure the habits described in this e-book, a blog featuring a wealth of information, and a free

i t odu tio to the C s of Me tal Tough ess. A d that s o l the egi i g. Del e deepe i to the site to fi d…

35

Further Development

The following selection of books will provide you with detailed insights about many of the theories and

self interventions touched on in this book. I have read them myself, so they come personally

recommended. You can click on a book cover to go straight to its Amazon page.

Books to Read

36

Further Development

The following selection of books will provide you with detailed insights about many of the theories and

self interventions touched on in this book. I have read them myself, so they come personally

recommended. You can click on a book cover to go straight to its Amazon page.

Books to Read

37

Further Development

There are thousands of apps that can support you with the self interventions as described in this

book. I personally use all of the free apps below to track new habits, meditate, practise mindfulness,

practise gratitude, and build positivity and confidence with self-affirmations. You can click on an app

to go straight to its Google Play page, but the apps are available in the Apple store too.

Apps to Support You

Grateful

This app has a widget that

gives you a new affirmation

every time you tap it.

Smiling Mind is a Mindfulness

app that s g eat. Not o l fo adults, but also for children.

Calm is a meditation app,

that also provides some nice

relaxing background sounds.

Grateful lets you plant seeds

of appreciation and grow

flowers out of them.

Coach.me lets you track your

habits, but also receive in-app

personal coaching.

The 7 minute workout is a

fast way to get exercise done

for time poor people.

38

Exercises

These exercises help you to create awareness and think through your starting point. Use the

exercises in combination with the free survey and report about your personal habits.

Find Your Place

Find Meaning

Use Strengths: I use my strength enough

1.

2.

Top 3 character strengths Top 3 skills

3.

Nurture Self: I take care of my health

What will I do more? What will I do less?

Nurture relations: I spend time with the right people

Who gives me energy? Who takes energy from me?

1.

2.

3.

Yes No

Find Meaning: I know my purpose Yes No

Yes No

1.

2.

1.

2.

1.

2.

1.

2.

Yes No

Proudest moment in my career Proudest moment in my life

. .

39

Exercises

These exercises help you to create awareness and think through leading your way. Use the

exercises in combination with the free survey and report about your personal habits.

Lead Your Way

Find Meaning

Set Goals: Goals to overcome my challenges

1.

2.

3.

Take Action and Self-Reward

First action to reach my goal My reward when completed

Challenge Yourself: I challenge myself enough Yes No

1.

2.

1.

2.

Main challenges in my life Main challenges in my career

1. 1.

Goal Measure Timeline Excitement

3. 3.

2. 2.

3. 3.

40

Exercises

These exercises help you to create awareness and think through owning your response. Use the

exercises in combination with the free survey and report about your personal habits.

Own Your Response

Find Meaning

Stay Positive: Affirmations that make you feel positive

1.

2.

3.

Manage Self Talk

Mental cues to stop thoughts Default positive replacements

1. 1.

2. 2.

3. 3.

Emotional Control: What triggers my flight or fight response most?

1.

2.

What can be my default response when I start losing it?

1.

2.

41

Practical help to become yourself at your best

Building Mental Toughness

Niels van Hove

Version 2.0