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Book Synopsis

What’s Love got to do with it? SEVEN STEPS TO SOLVING THE CRISIS IN BLACK/MALE FEMALE

RELATIONSHIP

Or

Is Marriage just for White People?

By Ifayomi Grant

Introduction

It is generally perceived that there is a crisis in Black male/female relations in ‘the West’.

Apart from the seemingly exponential rise ( in the UK and to a lesser extent USA) in Afrikans

(Blacks ) choosing non-Afrikan partners – a subject which I have dealt with at length in some

of my other books - where Afrikans do choose to engage in intimate relationships with other

Afrikans these relationships seem to be increasingly fraught with difficulty, conflict and

recrimination.

During the course of my writing career I have been a guest on many radio shows and

appeared on a few TV programmes and one thing I have come to learn is that if you want to

get the phone lines hot; start discussing Black male/female relationships. It is a topic on

which every Black adult has strong opinions, even those, or perhaps especially those, who

have given up on Black partners. Oftentimes these radio phone-ins degenerate into a well

rehearsed exchange of criticisms, if not downright abuse, relating to the failings of the

opposite gender. To note this tendency; there is a chapter in the book entitled ‘The Things

(Some) Black people say about each other’. During the aforementioned discussions there is

always plenty of heat, but all too often very little light shed on the causes and solutions to the

problem.

This book is going to change all that. My books are usually wideranging in terms of topics,

covering issues such as economics and finance, identity and culture, history, politics,

sociology, parenting etc. However I consider this topic to be as important as any of them

since it is fundamentally about how we repair the building block of community i.e. the family.

If we cannot create better relationships between Black men and women then we will not

have family stability – especially in institutionally and socially hostile societies such as in ‘the

West’ - and if we do not have family stability we will have what we have at the moment,

which is widespread dysfunction and in some pockets chaos. At present there are too many

Black relationship losers and not enough winners and with each passing decade the odds of

success seem to lengthen.

Moving beyond the he said she said formula

The usual approach to tackling this topic adopted by writers of all cultures and ideological

persuasion has been to focus on what I call the personal psychology of relationships. This

approach focuses on your emotions and how your upbringing and adult relationships have

affected the way you view and act in relationships as well who you are attracted to in the first

place. For example it is often said that a girl who is deprived of her father’s love (or that of

other significant male) may too readily reach out to young men in search of a substitute or

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replacement for the male love she was denied in her childhood leaving her open to being

used and abused by those predatory males who have a keen eye for vulnerable young

women.

Whilst I believe this approach is both necessary and useful, I do not believe it is sufficient to

really understand and do justice to this topic. Therefore I have cast my net wider and taken a

more ambitious approach, which whilst not always as emotionally titillating or relentlessly

controversial as the ‘Black Man’s Guide.......’ and ‘Everything You wanted to know about

Black Women.....’ type of books; will offer greater value to the reader who wants to really

understand themselves, their partner, and their people.

What does the book tell you?

The book title says ‘....SEVEN STEPS TO SOLVING THE CRISIS IN BLACK/MALE

FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS... and I wish I could say that they were seven easy steps, but I

can’t. What I have down is broken the subject down into seven digestible chunks that will

help the reader get to grips with understand the nature of the challenge facing themselves

personally and ourselves collectively.

STEP 1 – What’s it all about? This chapter asks and answers the fundamental question...

What is the purpose of a relationship? In particular this question is examined from the

perspective of the group, community or society. I identify five key relationship drivers whose

impact needs to be understood if relationships are to be viewed from a holistic perspective.

STEP 2STEP 2STEP 2STEP 2 – What Went Wrong? In this step I identify eight critical factors that have had a

detrimental effect upon Black Male/Female relationships since the 1950s to the present day.

There is an extensive examination of one of these factors, economic restructuring, to

demonstrate how broader societal changes impact upon individual behaviour.

STEP 3STEP 3STEP 3STEP 3 - What is your experience of relationships and what does it tell you about

yourself? In this step it is your chance to look honestly at the person in the mirror. To think

about your past relationships; and since behaviour is a better indicator of a person’s true

values than words, to understand what your relationship history tells you about who and

what you really value.

STEP 4STEP 4STEP 4STEP 4- How to select Mr/Ms Right –In this step we examine a range of criteria typically

used by people to determine the suitability of a potential mate. These criteria are often

referred to as ‘the list’. We deconstruct the list and identify a smaller number of critical

factors to be considered in selecting a long-term partner.

STEP 5STEP 5STEP 5STEP 5– Understanding Yourself and Who you are Dealing With–If you don’t see yourself

in any other step, you most likely will see some of yourself in this chapter. You may also see

your current partner, previous partners, friends, relatives etc. in this step. I provide pen

pictures of over 30 Black relationship/behavioural types with accompanying marriageability

ratings and common problems that each relationship type presents and experiences.

Step 6Step 6Step 6Step 6 – Understanding The Impact of the Media on Black Self-Image and

Relationships–The mass media is incredibly important in shaping people’s values and self

image. In this step we explore how the corporate media impacts upon the way Afrikan

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people view themselves, shapes our collective beauty ideal and negatively impacts upon our

ability to form strong, productive relationships.

STEP 7 STEP 7 STEP 7 STEP 7 ––––How to Build and Maintain Black-on-Black Love–This final step synthesises

everything we have learned throughout the course of the book to provide individual and

group solutions to solve the crisis in Black/Male female relationships.

So there you have it, or at least will have it when you invest in the book. There is plenty of

analysis, description and prescription to keep you hooked with a bit of humour thrown in to

boot. This book will make you happy, make you sad, make you smile, make you sigh, make

you angry and frustrated, make you reflect and contemplate, depress you, uplift you,

however; when all is said, done and written it will give you hope by providing practical

solutions. It’s a rollercoaster ride like many Black relationships, however when the ride is

over you should exit with a smiling face!

My credentials

I believe that if one is going to attempt to give advice on any subject, and particularly one as

sensitive and important as male/female relationships, then one should be able to

demonstrate a reasonable track record of success. There is the cliché of the unmarried

marriage counsellor and whilst I value the benefits of theoretical knowledge, when it comes

to relationships a bit of positive experience goes a long way.

What can I bring to this subject? Well, I think I am old enough (born in 1966) to have

sufficient tested experience to draw upon in giving advice and young enough to be able to

relate to the pressures facing Afrikans who are embarking upon new relationships or who

are a few years down the line will face.

I have run ‘Improving Black Male/Female Relationships’ courses in the UK and have used

those courses to test out my ideas and to learn from participants’ own experiences. Whilst I

make no claims to being a counsellor of any sort I have also advised and supported

individuals and couples who have asked for assistance when experiencing difficulties in their

relationships.

Finally, I met my wife Beverley on 1st October 1989. We began living together in April 1991

and got married on 9th September 1995. We have two children. I should make it clear that I

am not suggesting my relationship with my wife is the perfect model for an Afrikan

relationship. Rather, I am suggesting that based upon our experience; combined with my

years of research and observation, I now have the knowledge, skills and experience to

highlight and pinpoint critical issues; and most importantly solutions, for building a productive

long-term Black male/female relationship.

For further details contact:

Ifayomi Grant

ifayomi@uwclub.net

Tel: 0770 3004813

The book can be purchased at www.houseofknowledge.org.uk from October 10th 2012 and

will be available in Kindle and other digital platforms shortly.