Book by Craig Sodaro

Music and Lyrics by Bill Francoeur

© Copyright 2009, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this musical—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK

IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the musical2. The full name of the playwrights and composer/arranger3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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NIGHT AT THE WAX MUSEUM—THE MUSICAL

Book by CRAIG SODAROMusic and lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

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EMILY BLAKE .....................high school student; a romantic 40VICTOR TATES ....................another; a wannabe pro wrestler 48CARRIE GALE .....................another; cynical 39JOEL KREEBLE ...................another; into video games 42ROLF RIZZO .......................another; a ladies’ man 43HEATHER FAIRCHILD ........... their history teacher; 20s 100LUPE LOPEZ .......................serious high school student 30IVY SWEET .........................of the Historical Society; 70s 54ETHEL LOCKHEAD ..............another; 83 40HAZEL SMITHY-WITHY .........another; 70s 35JULENE FAIRCHILD .............co-chair of the Historical; 60s 50

Society and Heather’s aunt;JOLENE FAIRCHILD .............Julene’s sister and co-chair; 60s 65SKIP WEBSTER ..................a handyman; 20s 65VIOLET SNEED ...................owner of the building; 40s 47JASPER SNEED ..................her son; 20s 39POLLY POPPER ...................his girlfriend; 20s 33CLEOPATRA ........................Queen of Egypt 30HENRY VIII .........................King of England 33ANNE BOLEYN....................his queen 30ANNE BONNY ..................... lady pirate 28MARY READ .......................another 24MADAME CHING .................another 21BLACKBEARD .....................pirate leader 37PIRATES 1 AND 2 ...............crewless argh-ers 15BUTCH CASSIDY................. the outlaw 32SUNDANCE KID ..................his partner 22PANCHO VILLA ................... the revolutionary 20CALAMITY JANE ..................Wild West frontierswoman 29LIZZIE BORDEN ..................axe her no questions 5JOHN ADAMS .....................second U.S. President 19CHORUS ............................Cleopatra’s attendants n/a

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SETTING

TIME: Now.

PLACE: Outside Hoover High School (played in front of curtain), and several locations inside the Cultully Wax Museum.

The following three sets are required:

The Basement: At CENTER STAGE sits a pile of boxes and antiques. A suggestion of a basement wall can be added to the UPSTAGE side of the platform along with an optional a water pipe or tiny basement window. The items at CENTER should be arranged so that once ROLF moves a box, it’s revealed that two or three of the boxes are marked “TNT.” These boxes need to be sturdy enough for actors to sit on. An optional rack with a few items of clothing can add some color to this centerpiece.

The Main Exhibit Hall: A sign hangs UPSTAGE reading “Cultully Wax Museum” in elaborate but readable letters. Near the sign hangs a large portrait of Rufus Ravenscroft. He should have a very stern expression and appear as the classic early twentieth-century explorer—perhaps in a pith helmet and jungle jacket. The sign and portrait may remain through the entire production, if desired.

DOWN LEFT sits a work table (a standard banquet table is fi ne) set with books, papers and index cards in small boxes. The table should be light and moveable and could be dressed to look like an old museum artifact. A broom is propped up nearby. The rest of the stage is “decorated” with the actors who appear fi rst under the sheets. If desired, one or two of the actors can stand on a platform to vary the heights on stage.

The Museum Offi ce: A desk with a chair and a phone is all that’s required. Other chairs, a fi le cabinet, coat rack and so on can be added as desired.

The easiest way to manage quick set changes is to have the major set pieces built on platforms that are on wheels. There is no need to build walls or large set pieces. A few pieces on platforms will suggest the scene and serve the actors well.

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SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONEScene One: Hoover High, afternoon, played before the curtain.Scene Two: Basement of the Cultully Wax Museum, that evening.Scene Three: Main exhibition hall of the museum, a short while later.Scene Four: The same, immediately following.Scene Five: The museum offi ce, a short time later.

ACT TWOScene One: Basement of the museum, a short time later.Scene Two: Main exhibition hall, fi fteen minutes later.Scene Three: Basement of the museum, a short time later.Scene Four: Main exhibition hall, a few minutes later.

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT ONE

ACT TWO

TRACK MC SONG TITLE SINGERS PAGE

1 MC 1 Night at the Wax Museum Ensemble 1 — Prologue

2 MC 2 Summer School (We Don’t Students 3 Want to Be Here) 3 MC 3 Rufus Ravenscroft Historical Society 6 Members

4 MC 4 This Old Dump Violet, Jasper, Polly 9

5 MC 5 History, Yuck! Students 13

6 SFX Thunder thru-out

7 MC 5a Egyptian Incantation Opt. Offstage Voices 17 8 MC 5b Lizzie Borden Theme Music Instrumental 18 9 MC 5c Henry VIII Entrance Music Instrumental 19 10 MC 6 Egyptian Love Henry, Cleopatra 19

11 MC 6a Anne Boleyn Instrumental 20 Entrance Music 12 MC 6b Anne Boleyn Exit Music Instrumental 21 13 MC 6c Blackbeard and Crew Instrumental 22 Entrance Music 14 MC 6d Lizzie Borden Theme Music Instrumental 23 15 MC 6e Pirate Scene Change Music Instrumental 23 16 MC 6f Butch and Gang Instrumental 25 Entrance Music 17 MC 7 Whar’s the Loot? Butch, Sundance, 25 (Mucho Dinero) Calamity, Pancho

18 MC 7a Butch and Gang Exit Music Instrumental 28 19 MC 7b Cleopatra Entrance Music Instrumental 29 20 MC 7c Anne Boleyn Instrumental 29 Entrance Music 21 MC 7d Anne Boleyn Exit Music Instrumental 29 22 MC 7e Anne Boleyn Exit Music Instrumental 29 23 SFX Two gunshots 30 24 MC 8 Terror in the Night Ensemble 31

25 MC 8a Entr’acte— Instrumental 33 Terror in the Night 26 MC 8b Blackbeard and Crew Instrumental 34 Entrance Music 27 MC 9 Glory Days Pirates, Students 35

28 MC 9a Butch and Gang Instrumental 38 Entrance Music 29 MC 9b Pirate Fight Music/ Instrumental 39 Lizzie Borden Theme 30 MC 9c Blackbeard and Crew Instrumental 39 Exit Music

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT TWO CONT.

TRACK MC SONG TITLE SINGERS PAGE

31 MC 9d Butch and Gang Exit Music Instrumental 40 32 MC 9e Butch and Gang Instrumental 41 Entrance Music 33 MC 10 Ancient History Skip, Heather 42

34 MC 10a Lizzie Borden Theme Music Instrumental 43 35 MC 10b Blackbeard and Crew Instrumental 43 Entrance Music 36 MC 10c Pirate Fight Music Instrumental 43 37 MC 10d Henry VIII/Cleopatra Instrumental 44 Entrance Music 38 MC 10e Anne Boleyn Entrance Instrumental 44 Music 39 MC 10f John Adams—Yankee Instrumental 44 Doodle Underscore 40 MC 10g Pirate Scene Change Instrumental 45 Music 41 MC 10h Outlaw Fight Music Instrumental 47 42 MC 10i Anne Boleyn Entrance Instrumental 50 Music 43 MC 10j John Adams—Yankee Instrumental 51 Doodle Underscore 44 MC 11 The Makers of History Ensemble 51

45 MC 11a John Adams—Yankee Instrumental 54 Doodle Underscore 46 MC 11b Egyptian Incantation Opt. Offstage Voices 54 47 MC 11c Night at the Wax Instrumental 57 Museum—Epilogue 48 MC 11d Curtain Call Instrumental 58

A NOTE ABOUT THE SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS

If you’d like to streamline your production by using fewer music cues, feel free. The instrumental CD includes all of the incidental music to enhance scene changes and stage action as desired throughout the show. You may burn a customized production CD eliminating the incidental music you are not using.

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NIGHT AT THE WAX MUSEUM—THE MUSICAL

BEFORE LIGHTS UP: MUSIC CUE 1: “Night at the Wax Museum—Prologue.” LIGHTS UP DIM. The ENSEMBLE begins to ENTER RIGHT and LEFT. They seem to appear out of the darkness like shadows in the night. (NOTE: A fog machine would be most effective during this opening song.) SFX: CRASH OF THUNDER followed by RUMBLING THUNDER. The ENSEMBLE should end up across the FRONT of the STAGE, DIMLY LIT as silhouettes so as to disguise their faces and costumes.ENSEMBLE: (Sings.) A night at the wax museum,

Where hist’ry has unlocked its door.A night at the wax museum,Where legends are living once more.A night at the wax museum,And all of the treasure it brings.A night at the wax museum,With pirates and ladies and kings.Heroes and villains of old,Fearlessly roaming within.Fanciful stories re-toldRelive it with us once again.A night at the wax museum,A magically wondrous affair.A night at the wax museum,(Suddenly serious.) Tread lightly, keep watch and beware!Beware! (SFX: CRASH OF THUNDER followed by RUMBLING THUNDER. The ENSEMBLE, like disappearing phantoms, quickly EXITS LEFT and RIGHT. LIGHTS slowly DIM to BLACK. MUSIC OUT.)

ACT ONEScene One

SETTING: Outside Hoover High, played before the CURTAIN. Afternoon.LIGHTS UP: JOEL, EMILY, CARRIE and VICTOR stand about ONSTAGE with backpacks, sleeping bags and pillows at their feet. JOEL plays a game on his phone. CARRIE is texting on her phone. EMILY reads a book while VICTOR practices Ninja moves. With a grunt, he kicks the book from EMILY’S hands.EMILY: Victor!VICTOR: (To the OTHERS. Proud.) Did you see that?EMILY: You kicked Madame Bovary!

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VICTOR: No way! I don’t even know her. (EMILY picks up the book, disgusted. VICTOR moves to CARRIE, looks over her shoulder and points to what she’s texting.) What’s that mean?

CARRIE: It means, “Flake off, Nerdo.”VICTOR: Nerdo! I’m Victor the Magnifi cent, the Ultimate Fighter!

(Grabs JOEL in a choke hold.) Right, Joel, my boy?JOEL: Whatever.VICTOR: (Releases JOEL.) Yeesh! Looks like they served grump pills

at lunch today, ha?CARRIE: Don’t you realize what’s going to happen to us today?EMILY: We’ve got to get on a bus and ride all the way to… where is

this place?JOEL: Cultully.CARRIE: Wherever that is, and then we’ve got to work tonight and

tomorrow in a wax museum.VICTOR: It’s violating our rights!JOEL: We don’t have any rights.CARRIE: We’ve been sentenced to summer school.EMILY: (Sarcastic.) Look on the bright side. If we do this museum

thing, we’ll be paroled two days early.VICTOR: I knew I should have spent more time on history.CARRIE: How much time did you spend?VICTOR: None.HEATHER: (ENTERS LEFT with ROLF.) Rolf, you’re not listening!ROLF: I’ll rake all the leaves in your yard.HEATHER: No.ROLF: I’ll let you tutor me every afternoon for three weeks. Six

weeks?HEATHER: Rolf, passing summer school is your only chance. You blow

it, you blow American history. You blow American history, you don’t graduate.

ROLF: Awww, c’mon. (Gives a winning smile.)EMILY: Forget it, Rolf.CARRIE: She’s a teacher. She’s immune to charm.HEATHER: I wouldn’t exactly put it like that.ROLF: But I got a date tonight with Ellie Standish. And you know what?

She’s a direct descendant of Footsie Standish, that guy you told us about when the Pilgrims landed.

EMILY: Footsie?

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VICTOR: It was Miles Standish, dope.ROLF: I knew it had something to do with measurements.HEATHER: Sorry, Rolf. After that, I’d say you ought to fl unk history

even if you survive summer school.ROLF: No! I’ll go! I’ll even wear a smile. See? (Smiles his winning smile

again.)EMILY: I don’t know how you’re going to make it to your date tonight,

since we’re staying overnight in Cultully, remember?CARRIE: Better call and cancel. (Doubtful.) That is, if you really do

have a date.ROLF: Ladies, ladies. No need to be jealous. Perhaps one of you

would be so kind as to share your sleeping bag—HEATHER: (Clears her throat loudly.) I’m sure we will have no need to

share, Rolf. (To the OTHERS.) Has anybody seen Lupe?VICTOR: Saw her at lunch at Wendy’s. (Or other local fast food joint.)

Working the cash register. ROLF: She’s got two jobs, Ms. Fairchild.CARRIE: Three. She just started at the Starlight Theater.HEATHER: Oh, dear. I hope she makes it. The bus driver told me

he wouldn’t wait. So, are we all excited? (STUDENTS stare at HEATHER.) We’ll have a good time. Really. My aunts are very nice, and they’re so glad we’re coming. They can use all the help they can get to open the wax museum on time. It’ll be a real tourist attraction for Cultully.

EMILY: (With relish.) It sounds… so… so creepy.CARRIE: Wax museums are always creepy.JOEL: Yeah, like Madame Tussaud’s. I hear she’s got a Chamber of

Horrors, and you can see victims of—HEATHER: Thank you, Joel, but wax museums are not creepy. Besides,

this isn’t just a wax museum. There will be all sorts of other interesting historical items on display.

JOEL: Ms. Fairchild, “interesting historical” is an oxymoron. (LUPE runs ON RIGHT out of breath.)

HEATHER: Good! You made it, Lupe.ROLF: Maybe you should quit one of your jobs.LUPE: I would, but I’m the only one in my family who has a job right

now.HEATHER: Well, maybe this will feel like a little vacation for all of us.

(The STUDENTS plaster fake smiles on their faces. HEATHER EXITS LEFT. MUSIC CUE 2: “Summer School [We Don’t Want to Be Here.”)

VICTOR: (Speaks.) Some vacation! Hanging out in a boring museum!

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EMILY: (Speaks.) At least it’s better than sitting in a classroom.ROLF: (Speaks.) Barely.CARRIE: (Speaks.) We could be at the swimming pool working on our

tans.JOEL: (Speaks.) I always get burnt.LUPE: (Speaks.) Come on, you guys, maybe it’ll be fun.VICTOR: (Speaks.) Summer school… fun?! Are you kidding? (Loud

complaining.)ALL: (Sing.) Summer time’s supposed to be a time for fun and play,

A time for kicking back and sleeping in till noon each day!(ALL voice their disapproval with the situation.)

We don’t wanna be here! History is dumb!Don’t wanna hang with dead guys! Don’t care where they’re from!People made of wax and not a one is real.Not one a superhero, so what’s the big deal?We don’t wanna be here! It really isn’t cool!

EMILY: (Sings.) We could be relaxing.CARRIE: (Sings.) Sitting by a pool.VICTOR: (Sings.) Biking in the mountains.ROLF: (Sings.) Boating on a lake.JOEL: (Sings.) Why is it I’m feeling like I’m going to a wake?ALL: (Sing.) Summer school is a drag,

And I wish I could just fl y away!Summer school makes me gag,And I have this feeling I’ll regret this day!We don’t wanna be here! Nothing could be worse!

Why are we the victims? It’s got to be a curse! A day at the museum, is… …more than we can bear. It’s just about exciting as a game of solitaire!

Summer school is a drag,And it’s got me depressed as can be!Summer school makes me gag,And I hope it’s worth my passing history!We’ll see! Yes, we’ll see!Summer school! It’s all a crock to me!

EMILY: (Speaks.) Come on, guys, we might as well get it over with. (They moan and groan as they EXIT LEFT as the LIGHTS FADE OUT.)

End of Scene One

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ACT ONEScene Two

SETTING: The basement of the museum, a short time later. Three additional cardboard boxes are DOWNSTAGE. The boxes labeled TNT are not visible.LIGHTS UP: JULENE stands at the basement platform rummaging. IVY, ETHEL and HAZEL each kneel before one of the open cardboard boxes. SKIP is putting screws into a bench.IVY: Oh, oh, Julene, look at this! (Pulls an old china plate from her box.)

I bet it’s 200 years old.ETHEL: Ivy, my mother bought me that pattern for my wedding. And

don’t tell me I’m 200 years old. I just feel like it sometimes.IVY: Are you sure?ETHEL: The doc told me both knees need replacing.IVY: No, I mean about the china.HAZEL: I’m afraid Ethel’s right, dearie. We can check the catalogs, but

I’m sure that’s Wendover Pottery’s Number 6 Fireside design.JULENE: Why, Hazel, who needs a catalog with you around?HAZEL: I just can’t get enough of this stuff. Imagine! It’s all ours!JULENE: But, Hazel, it isn’t ours.IVY: We’re just the caretakers, right, Skip?SKIP: I think that’s the way it goes. But since you are the Cultully

Historical Society and Rufus Ravenscroft’s collection was donated to the Cultully Historical Society, I guess you can safely say it’s yours.

ETHEL: I knew you were the best handyman who applied for the job here.

HAZEL: (Tries to be discreet.) Ethel, honey, he was the only handyman who applied.

JULENE: Shhhhhh!SKIP: It’s okay, Mrs. Fairchild. I have to get my remodeling business

off the ground, and you’ve got to get the museum up and running, so we’re in what you call a symbiotic relationship.

IVY: (Giggles.) I’ve never been in one of those before.ETHEL: That means we’re helping each other out.JULENE: And preserving the memory of Rufus Ravenscroft.SKIP: He was quite the explorer, wasn’t he?HAZEL: He’s the only person in history who visited every country on

earth in his lifetime.JOLENE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Good news! Our helpers are on their way.

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SKIP: That’s your niece’s history class, right?JOLENE: Only six students. They’re what she called “historically

challenged.”HAZEL: She means the goofballs.JULENE: They fl unked history, so they have to take it in summer school.

Heather told them to help us or else.IVY: Or else what? (ETHEL draws her fi nger across her throat.)SKIP: I don’t think Heather… I mean Ms. Fairchild would ever be that

mean.JULENE: Oh, that’s right! You and Heather know each other, don’t you,

Skip?SKIP: Yeah, we graduated from high school together.JOLENE: Then I’m sure you’ll have lots to talk about. (SKIP shrugs.)IVY: Did we get John Adam’s coat pressed?ETHEL: Goodness, no! It’s an original. Pressing it might have damaged

it.IVY: What about Cleopatra’s dress?JOLENE: Oh, that’s just a costume piece. All her dresses have

disappeared.ETHEL: I heard she was that kind of woman.JULENE: But the jewelry is hers. And in one of his journals, Rufus

Ravenscroft says some of her jewelry has magical powers.HAZEL: Oh, my! (LADIES ad-lib excitedly.)IVY: Do you realize we’ve got the most amazing collection right here?HAZEL: We do! And have I told you Rufus was in my mother’s class,

back when Cultully School was just one room?ETHEL: I hear tell he couldn’t sit still.JOLENE: That’s right! He was always out of his seat looking out the

windows.JULENE: Dreaming of someplace to go. (MUSIC CUE 3: “Rufus

Ravenscroft.”)JOLENE: (Speaks.) When the teacher told him he’d better sit down and

do his work, he told her he’d do his work all over the world… and eventually he did.(Sings.) All around the world that man would travel.

JULENE: (Sings.) Always kept a suitcase neatly packed.IVY: (Sings.) Looking for a myst’ry to unravel.ETHEL/HAZEL: (Sing.) Bringing back a priceless artifact.JOLENE: (Sings.) Crawling through the jungle.

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JULENE: (Sings.) Crossing the Sahara,JOLENE: (Sings.) Climbing to the tallest mountaintop!IVY: (Sings.) Bringing back a jewel…ETHEL: (Sings.) …a gold tiara.HAZEL: (Sings.) Searching every ancient whistle stop.ALL WOMEN: (Sing.) He traveled to the tombs of Egypt,

Sailed the coast of old Shanghai.Polynesia to Barbados,Slept beneath a moonlit Mongol sky. (MUSIC UNDER.)

JULENE: (Speaks.) He saw every wonder there was to see.JOLENE: (Speaks.) And brought back as many wonderful things as he

could.SKIP: (Looking around; speaks.) So I see.IVY: (Speaks.) Paintings from Paris!ETHEL: (Speaks.) Statues from Greece!HAZEL: (Speaks.) Jewels from Egypt!JOLENE: (Speaks.) And all those wonderful wax fi gures he had made.IVY: (Speaks.) Commissioned by Madame Tussaud’s own waxworks.JOLENE: (Sings.) Rufus was a strange one.JULENE: (Sings.) Tiny bit eccentric.IVY: (Sings.) And a very superstitious man.ETHEL: (Sings.) He believed in magic.HAZEL: (Sings.) Dabbled in Voodoo.JOLENE: (Sings.) Amulets and hexes from Sudan.ALL: (Sing.) He searched the ocean caves of Bali,

Easter Island to Bombay.Pirate haunts in Madagascar,Spent a stormy night in Mandalay.Yes, all around the world that man would travel.Always kept a suitcase neatly packed.Looking for a myst’ry to unravel.

ETHEL/HAZEL: (Sing.) Bringing back a priceless artifact. (MUSIC UNDER.)

SKIP: (Speaks.) He must have been rolling in the dough.ETHEL: (Speaks.) I hear tell when he died he was worth more than all

the gold in Fort Knox. (MUSIC OUT.)HAZEL: And if you believe that, I’ve got a pre-Columbian Aztec mask I

can sell you. (Pulls a scary mask from her box and puts it on. She taps IVY’S shoulder. IVY looks at her and screams.)

JOLENE: Don’t do that, Hazel!

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IVY: I could’ve had a heart attack.ETHEL: Well, you’re leaving your money to the museum, right?IVY: Aren’t we all?ETHEL: We can use the money more than you.IVY: (Hits ETHEL with her purse.) And we can do just as well without

you, you old battleaxe!JULENE: (Sighs.) If only we could fi nd Rufus Ravenscroft’s greatest

treasure.SKIP: What’s that?JOLENE: We don’t know, that’s the thing. He only mentions it in one

letter. He said he found the most valuable treasure in the world at a fl ea market.

HAZEL: But he didn’t give a hint as to what it was.IVY: He wasn’t the talkative type, I guess.ETHEL: What do you expect from a man?SKIP: All right, I know when I’m not wanted. (Picks up bench and

moves RIGHT.)JULENE: You don’t have to go!SKIP: I’m going to put this bench upstairs.JOLENE: And keep an eye out for Heather! (SKIP EXITS RIGHT with

bench.)JULENE: Such a nice young man. (VIOLET, POLLY and JASPER ENTER

RIGHT. VIOLET wears a lot of cheap jewelry.)VIOLET: Well, looky here!POLLY: Is this a rummage sale?VIOLET: I got a strange feelin’ none of this junk’s for sale.JOLENE: What are you doing here, Ms. Sneed?VIOLET: I own the building, sweetheart. I can be here any time I want.IVY: Yes, but you’re supposed to give us notice before barging in.JASPER: This is your notice. We’re here.ETHEL: I see you’ve brought reinforcements.VIOLET: This is Polly. Say hello, Polly.POLLY: Hello.ETHEL: Polly want a cracker?JASPER: Hey, no smart comments about my girl, you hear?ETHEL: Okay, we’ll only make dumb ones. (POLLY laughs.)JASPER: That ain’t funny, Polly!POLLY: How come? (JASPER whispers in POLLY’S ear. She gets an

angry look on her face.) Why, of all the nerve!JOLENE: Now, Ms. Sneed, we’re on a very tight schedule. We only have

so many hours to get the museum up and running—

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JULENE: So, how can we help you?VIOLET: By packin’ up all this junk and gettin’ out of this place.JOLENE: This place happens to be the Cultully Wax Museum.HAZEL: For another 20 years.IVY: We’ve got a lease.VIOLET: Yeah, yeah, yeah. My grandfather was a nutcase signing a

lease like that.JOLENE: Rufus Ravenscroft paid decades in advance, and we even

have an option to buy.VIOLET: But things have changed since the old coot kicked the

bucket.HAZEL: That is no way to talk about one of our country’s great explorers

and art collectors.ETHEL: Shame on you!IVY: There are treasures from all over the world here.HAZEL: We’ve got Cleopatra’s jewelry. That’s worth hundreds of

thousands of dollars.IVY: And there’s a treasure here that’s worth more than Fort Knox.JOLENE: Ivy! (Locks her lips with a gesture.)JULENE: Oh, Jolene, I heard a bus pull up!VIOLET: What bus?JOLENE: Our niece has brought some of her history students to help us

write up the identifi cation display signs for our museum displays.IVY: Let’s go up and give them a nice, big welcome.ETHEL: You just want to try those cookies I baked for the children,

Ivy.IVY: I already did! (EXITS RIGHT.)ETHEL: Why, you— (Hobbles OFF RIGHT after IVY, followed by HAZEL.)JOLENE: Please make sure you lock the door when you leave, Ms.

Sneed.JULENE: And we hope it’s soon. (She and JOLENE EXIT RIGHT.)VIOLET: (Mimicking JULENE.) And we hope it’s soon!JASPER: What’re we gonna do, Ma? (MUSIC CUE 4: “This Old

Dump.”)VIOLET: (Speaks.) We’re gonna get this place no matter what. This

old dump is the only thing standing in the way of the new Cultully Mall.

POLLY: (Speaks.) And gosh, we need a mall!VIOLET: (Speaks.) I’ll just settle for the fi ve million they’re offering.

(Sings.) I’ve got to fi nd a way around this situation.Those senior dimwits are a constant irritation!

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JASPER: (Sings.)We’ve got to fi nd a way to make them reconsider.

VIOLET: (Sings.) This leasing deal has left me furious and bitter!I feel a fortune slowly slipping through my fi ngers.And being destitute’s the only thought that lingers.I think I’m going mad and all because of…This old dump! (At wits end.)

I get so weary and distraught, migraines every day,Nerves are all but shot. They’re always in my way.I’m tired of the strife! Old ladies in my life!Blue hairs everywhere!With their perfumes and their lace, powders on their face.Dentures and their crèmes, they make me want to scream!Tissues hiding here, tissues hiding there,Old lady smell is everywhere! (MUSIC UNDER.)

JASPER: (Speaks.) Calm down, MotherVIOLET: (Snapping back; speaks.) Calm down? Calm down?! We’re

about to lose a fortune and all you can say is calm down? (Softens.) You’re right… I can’t let them affect my health. I’ll just have to get used to their smell!

POLLY: (Looking around; sings.)This place gives me the creeps! It feels just like a mortuary.

VIOLET: (Hand on heart; sings.)If we don’t cut this deal, I’m gonna have a coronary!

POLLY: (Sings.) And why are all those waxy people in here anyway?VIOLET: (Sings; to JASPER in reference to POLLY.)

Why don’t you take her to a jungle gym and let her play.(Resuming her thought.)We have the chance to make the killing of the cent’ry.And I won’t let those biddies block our plans, I guarantee!I’ll see the day they build a mall on top of this old dump! (The following two stanzas are sung as a duet.)

POLLY: (Sings.) Where is the bathroom?Where, oh, where could that bathroom be?I’ve really gotta go!Before I have an accident inThis old dump!

VIOLET/JASPER: (Sing.)We’ve got to fi nd a way to get ’em to negotiate.There must be some way we can pressure and intimidate.We’ve got to get this land no matter what the consequences.Devise a plan to bring the geriatrics to their senses.

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We’ll never rest until that money’s in our pocket.We’ll shut ’em down and then we’ll board it up and lock it!And then a wrecking ball will smash the walls ofThis old dump! (MUSIC UNDER.)

JASPER: (Speaks.) Let’s just boot ’em out!VIOLET: (Speaks.) We can’t do that. My grandfather signed that lease

and it’s tighter than a drum.POLLY: (Speaks.) I saw a TV show once where they had to break

their lease and they had a band come and play loud music and… (Suddenly panicking.) Oh, oh, I really gotta go… right now! (Rushes OFF RIGHT.)

VIOLET: (Speaks; indicating POLLY.) Jasper, is this the best you can do? C’mon, we gotta fi gure out a way to get them out of this place.

JASPER: (Speaks.) What about if we fi nd that treasure?VIOLET: (Speaks.) It’s probably some dumb painting or something.JASPER: (Speaks.) But they’d do anything to get it back, wouldn’t

they?VIOLET: (The idea appeals to her; speaks.) Gee, Jasper, maybe being

in labor with you for twenty hours was worthwhile after all. Let’s get looking. Something here’s worth a bundle! (MUSIC UP. VIOLET and JASPER begin looking through the boxes as the CURTAIN FALLS. MUSIC OUT.)

End of Scene Two

ACT ONEScene Three

SETTING: The main exhibition hall. Here and there UPSTAGE stand several WAX FIGURES—HENRY VIII, CALAMITY JANE, CLEOPATRA, ANNE BOLEYN, BLACKBEARD and PANCHO VILLA—covered with sheets. They stand or sit in easy poses that actors can hold for a while. For a more dramatic effect, have the actors placed on small platforms of varying heights. PANCHO can have a sombrero hanging from his neck resting on his back.LIGHTS UP: JOLENE, JULENE, IVY, HAZEL and ETHEL stand next to the table. JOEL plays with his phone while EMILY reads her book and CARRIE texts on her phone. VICTOR wanders around the room trying to duplicate the poses under the sheets. Only LUPE gives the ladies her full attention, though she keeps yawning.JOLENE: So that’s all there is to it.VICTOR: To what?JULENE: To what you have to do.IVY: Do you all understand? We’ve got the notes here.

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES

ACT ONEBROUGHT ON, Scene One:

Backpacks, bedrolls or sleeping bags, pillows (JOEL, EMILY, CARRIE, VICTOR)

Cell phone (JOEL, CARRIE)Copy of Madame Bovary (EMILY)

ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Boxes (one containing an old china plate and another containing a primitive mask, among other historical objects), several boxes/crates (marked “TNT”, “Fragile! Handle with Care!”, “Cultully Museum”, “Property of Rufus Ravenscroft”, “Wells Fargo”, etc.), a few articles of clothing hanging on a rack, bench

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:Purse (IVY)

ONSTAGE, Scene Three: Sign reading “Cultully Museum,” portrait of Rufus Ravenscroft, work table (set with books, index cards, legal pads, pencils), broom, optional platforms

BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:Sheets (WAX FIGURES)Cell phone (JOEL, CARRIE)Copy of Madame Bovary (EMILY)Comb (ROLF)Ladder (SKIP)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Four:Hatchet (LIZZIE)Turkey leg (HENRY)Swords (PIRATES)

ONSTAGE, Scene Five: Chair and desk with telephone, paper in drawer, optional additional chairs and/or antiques

BROUGHT ON, Scene Five:Cell phone (JOLENE)Sword (ANNE)Bracelet (POLLY)Hatchet (LIZZIE)Optional stick horses (OUTLAWS)

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ACT TWOONSTAGE, Scene One: Same as ACT ONE, Scene Two (except for the

bench)BROUGHT ON, Scene One:

Bottles, swords (PIRATES)Guns (OUTLAWS)Hatchet (LIZZIE)

ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Same as ACT ONE, Scene Three with the sheets on the fl oor

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:Comb (JASPER)Hatchet (LIZZIE)Swords (PIRATES)Rope (PANCHO)Club, knife [fake] (MADAME)Eyeglasses, handkerchief (JOHN)

ONSTAGE, Scene Three: BasementBROUGHT ON, Scene Three:

Rope (PIRATES 1 and 2)Bracelet (POLLY)Guns (OUTLAWS)Whistle (IVY)Box containing jar with Egyptian designs* (HEATHER)Various papers and scroll in coat pockets (JOHN)

ONSTAGE, Scene Four: Main hallSheets (WAX FIGURES)Hatchet, badge (LIZZIE)Handcuffs (VIOLET, JASPER, POLLY)Badges (PIRATES 1 and 2)

*An easy way to make the canopic jar is to empty a plastic coffee creamer container, paint it a cream color and paint various Egyptian designs on the “jar.” The shape of the creamer container approximates a typical canopic jar.

SOUND EFFECTSThunder, gunshots, loud “thwack”

LIGHTING EFFECTFlashing lights

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ENGLISH TRANSLATION FOR PANCHO VILLA LYRICSI’ll have a house with chickens and geese,With many cows and pigs!With many women, beautiful women!And everyone will think that I’m king!We are going to dance under the moon!We will party all through the night!And everyone will know that my name isPancho Villa, a rich and handsome man!

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