Bob's Burgers - "Dreams of Moolissa" (SPEC)

7/30/2019 Bob's Burgers - "Dreams of Moolissa" (SPEC)

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BOB'S BURGERS

"Dreams of Moolissa"

Brad CookMichael Kaitis


2/33

EXT. CHINATOWN - AFTERNOON

GENE jaunts along as TINA and LOUISE trudge behind, eachweighted by her backpack. They pass exotic shops draped indeep red, laced with gold, lined with foreign characters.

LOUISEGene, if you dont give me someintel to work with soon, Im out.

She shuffles on her feet.

LOUISE (CONTD)My beagles are beat.

TINAYeah, why are we here? My ClintHoward calendar couldve come,sitting outside for anyone to take.

Tina puts her hand to her chin, mutters:

TINA (CONTD)If the delivery guy didnt stealit.

Gene turns to face them. He does mystic jazz hands.

GENEWeve come on a quest! A quest tofind a fabled Chinese chicken Iheard about in a song of old.

TINAOoooooh.

LOUISECool!

GENE (CONTD)Like anything good, I figure abutcher would have it.

LOUISEWhats so good about it?

GENE

From what I hear, one drumstickwill make your brain stop ticking.

LOUISELead the way, Colonel.

They walk with a newfound vigor. Overhead, a rainbow of orbs,streamers, and banners crisscrosses the street.


3/33

GENEKeep an eye out for a place calledChickity China.

Sitting at a small table, an OLD CHINESE MAN gathers tealeaves, then sprinkles them into a steaming cup and stirs.

TINAOh, look. You can get a tea leafreading. You should do it, Louise.

LOUISEWhy dont you?

TINAI cant reveal my future. The manof my dreams has to be a surprise.

Louise walks over and sits. The man looks up at her through

dark glasses and smiles.

OLD CHINESE MANWelcome.

From across the table, Louise grabs the cup of tea and gulpsit down. She coughs and sputters, then hands the cup back.

LOUISEYou shouldve warned me how hot it

was! So, what does my future hold?

The old mans smile fades.

OLD CHINESE MANDid-- did you just drink my tea?

LOUISEUhhh... Gotta go!

Louise dashes over to Tina in front of a restaurant.

LOUISE (CONTD)Wheres Gene?

TINAAt the butcher. You have to trythese free samples. Its the mostluxurious meat Ive ever eaten.

LOUISEI could get used to free grub.

Louise takes a toothpick off the EMPLOYEEs tray, pops itinto her mouth. Her eyes light up as she chews.

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4/33

LOUISE (CONTD)This... is what Ive been waiting

my whole life for. What is it?

EMPLOYEEHimalayan Rabbit Special. Five

dollar with steamed rice.

The din of Chinatown fades to white noise as Louise stands,mouth agape. Her eyes dart to: skinned rabbits hanging fromropes in the butcher shop window, a lucky rabbit foot stand,a display filled with chocolate rabbits.

Louise grasps her bunny ears, drops to her knees, screams.

Gene exits the butcher shop. He pats Louise on the back.

GENEThere, there. Well find that

Chinese chicken one day.

INT. BOBS BURGERS - LATER

BOB dries plates as TEDDY rambles.

TEDDYSo this kid, maybe nine years old,little punk, he keeps edging toward

me, trying to get under myumbrella. And boy, is it comingdown, Bob.

Bob looks up.

BOBIts raining?

TEDDYNo. Yes. In the story. Anyway, thekid keeps bugging me, and I keeptelling him to stop, because, youknow, its my umbrella.

BOB(uninterested)Yeah, and then what happened?

TEDDYLittle guy stepped on my foot acouple times.

BOBAnd then what?

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5/33

TEDDYThen we got on the bus. He wassoaked, I was dry. Still, it was avery uncomfortable ride.

BOB

Forget for a moment that a soaked,unsupervised child is riding thebus. Was there any point, anydeeper meaning, to that story?

TEDDYWell, I mean... does life have any--

Gene and Tina burst through the front door.

GENEBrace yourselves!

BOBOh God, did you moon the spin classthrough the gym window again?

Louise stomps inside, red-faced.

Gene and Tina scramble outside, screaming.

LOUISEIm COMING OUT, dad!

BOBWell that was a few years earlier

than expected.

LOUISEThis is an OUTRAGE!

BOBWhat is?

LOUISENo more white lies, no more halftruths, no more between-you-and-

mes! This is serious!

BOBI think I know what youre gonnasay. Just get on with it.

LOUISEIm done eating meat!

BOBWell, wrong again.

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LOUISEEvery single animal we eat was aperson at one point! Have you everthought about that? Huh??

BOB

Hey, slow down. Humans have alwayseaten what they needed.

LOUISERabbits? Really?! We have freeze-dried ice cream! Its good enoughfor astronauts!

She runs up and grabs Bob by the apron.

LOUISE (CONTD)What do they taste like, you

merchant of death? Do they taste

cute?!

BOB(salivating)

No its more like turkey, butsavory, and nutty, and rich...

Louise emits a frustrated, guttural scream.

TEDDYYou know, shes got a point, Bob.

BOB

You eat burgers here every day.

TEDDYNot on weekends.

BOBWhen you get the chicken sandwich!

(to Louise)Think about what youre saying.This family is built on beef!

LOUISE

Randy was right. Remember Moolissa,dad?

Bob SLAMS his fist on the counter.

BOBMoolissa and I had a connectionthat none of you will everunderstand. Her spirit lives on inevery burger we sell.

5.

(MORE)


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But cows arent humpback whales.Theyre bred to be eaten. Moolissa

wouldve wanted it that way!

LOUISEI have to help stop the violence!

This watership will not go down!

Louise dashes outside.

INT. BELCHER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME

Gene and Tina stand inside the door, panting. LINDA twirlsand dances as she sings to a small potted plant.

LINDALeafy little sap, gonna grow sobig. I love you as much as I love

my kids!

GENEMom! Louise went crazy!

TINANo, she went vegetarian.

GENEThats what I said!

Linda scoffs.

LINDAVegetarian? Louise? She wont eveneat jelly beans.

GENEShe saw a rabbit at a butcher shopin Chinatown and lost her lo mein.

LINDAOh boy. Well, I dont agree withit, but Ill support her throughthis phase. I do feel a little

betrayed though. Like five percent.TINA

Being vegetarian is a womans birthright. Pamela Anderson says itsempowering.

6.

BOB (CONT'D)


8/33

GENEWhy do they need to be empowered?Its not the fifties. Girls have it

way easier than boys.

TINA

Nobody cares when a boy is dirty,or late, or binges on pork nachos.Girls have rules for everything.

GENEYeah well you dont see anyonebuying me gummy undies!

LINDAPlease. You both have it easy. Doyou know what its like to--

TINA

Birth a child!

LINDAI was gonna say file taxes butsure.

GENEI could be a girl any day!

TINAYou wouldnt last a pep rally.

GENE

Im a born leader. Naturally, thatextends to cheering!

TINAProve it.

GENEWhat, just switch places? But welook nothing alike!

Linda puts Tinas glasses on Gene. Its almost identical.

GENE (CONTD)I cant see, but I feel pretty.

Tina squints her eyes and smiles.

TINASame.

LINDAWere playing dress-up! Alright!

7.


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INT. GROCERY STORE - MORNING

Linda and Louise scan the shelves. Linda grabs a bottle.

LINDAYou know, vegetarians take lots of

vitamins. You need protein.

LOUISENot a problem. Ive been mushing myfood into capsules for months.

LINDASo are you semi-veg, lacto-ovo,pescatarian, vegan, or vegetarian?

Louise is bemused.

LOUISE

Just vegetarian. No such thing asblood milk, right?... Right?

Gene and Tina, each dressed like the other shockinglypassably, trail close behind.

GENEIf youre gonna play me, you gottaget my voice right. Its unique,like a snowflake. The snowflakethat doesnt really get along withthe other snowflakes. Just becausehes a little less symmetrical.

Poor little guy.

Gene wipes the corner of his eye.

GENE (CONTD)Wow, this birth control is really

working.

LINDAIs that where todays pill went? Ibetter let Bobby know. Imdangerous. Im a loose cannon. Heh.

TINAMy voice is sort of... Kind of a...

She hums a note, then lowers her voice to a groan. Genequickly matches it. Then, Tina tests out Genes voice.

TINA (CONTD)Free samples! Free samples!

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Its a raspy, lispy mess. Gene grimaces, covers his ears.

TINA (CONTD)Free--

GENE

Enough!

He pulls his hands from his head, recovers.

GENE (CONTD)Dont worry. Even I cant get itright, sometimes. It comes from thediaphragm.

He gestures to his midsection.

The family turns a corner into the next aisle. Canned foods.Louise fills her arms with cans of soup.

LINDAWhat are you doing?

LOUISEIts vegetable soup.

LINDALook closer.

Louise peers at the cans. In small print beneath the wordsVegetable Soup, it says Made with Beef Stock.

Disgusted, Louise drops the cans. They stack on top of eachother in two neat piles.

LINDA (CONTD)How about that!

Linda places the cans back on the shelf. Louise checks outthe salad dressing on the opposite shelf.

LOUISECant have a naked salad.

She grabs a bottle of Caesar dressing.LINDA

Ah ah ah! Caesar dressing is madewith anchovies.

LOUISEEt tu, Caesar?!

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11/33

Louise storms down the aisle. Bags of gummy bears pad an end-cap. She slides off an entire rack of bags.

LOUISE (CONTD)Youll never take my goodies!

LINDAActually, gummies, ice cream,jelly, Jell-O - its all gotgelatin. Thats animal by-product!

She tosses the bags in the air, wailing as they rain down.

LOUISENOOOO-- Wait, dont they make anyof that without gelatin?

LINDANot on our budget, fancy-pants.

Louise scoops up the bags and rains them again.

LOUISENOOOOOOOOOO!

Gene and Tina, as Tina and Gene, make their way over.

GENEMom, what aisle has tampons?

LINDAStop fooling around, Gene.

GENEWhat? Were a mature woman.

TINAShes right. I mean...

She speaks in her Gene voice, flailing around.

TINA (CONTD)Speak for yourself!

INT. BOBS BURGERS - LATER

Bob slides a burger on a plate to MORT.

BOBSo now she wont eat meat. Allbecause she saw a dead rabbit.

Mort takes a huge bite of the burger, chews loudly.

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12/33

MORTYou know, I never really understoodpeoples disgust for dead things.

BOBI guess you would get sorta

desensitized in your line of work.

MORTOh, no. This goes way back, Bob.Way back.

Bobs head cocks a little. He backs away from Mort as Lindaenters the restaurant.

LINDAOur children are driving me nuts! Ifinally got them off to school.Quick, lets go get some alone time

before the lunch rush!

MORTThis is awkward. I can go...

BOBIts okay. Alone time for us is

when I trim Lindas hair.

LINDANo, thats me time. Alone time is

when we pay the bills.

Bob sighs.

BOBI love my life.

LINDAIm worried about our littleLouise. Whats she gonna eat?Hamburger buns?

BOBWe have lettuce and tomato, too.

She loves plants so much, sheshould eat them.

LINDABobby!

BOBSorry. I just feel like Ive beenstabbed in the back. With a carrot.

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13/33

MORTWhy dont you make her a veggieburger?

LINDAOoh, Ive heard of those! Bob

usually tries to censor them in myWest Coast Woman magazines, butsometimes he misses a little guy.

BOBSub-par imitations, all of them.

LINDAWell, Mr. Burger Man, if anybodycould make a decent veggie burger,it should be you!

BOB

Shes better off eating the buns.

Bob squints, peering out the window.

BOB (CONTD)Is... that Louise?

EXT. BOBS BURGERS - MOMENTS LATER

Wearing the burger suit with a red circle and slash paintedon it, Louise shouts through a megaphone at passing cars.

LOUISEMeat isnt quite murder, but itsstill pretty close! Animals dontgrow on trees, but plants do!

Bob and Linda rush outside.

BOBLouise, what are you doing?

LINDAYoure supposed to be at school!

BOBNot sabotaging the family business!

LOUISEHow can I learn while dad profitsfrom the meat industrial complex? Afine racket youve got here!

Louise lifts the megaphone to her mouth and points it at Bob.

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14/33

LOUISE (CONTD)Youre in bed with big meat, arentyou?!

BOBThats... I dont think thats a

thing. Kinda vulgar if it is. Nowtake off the suit.

She slips it off, then tosses it and the megaphone at Bobwith a scowl. He catches both of them.

BOB (CONTD)Meat gave me the energy to do that.Look at this! Itll cost a fortuneto get this thing dry cleaned!

LINDAWell, they cant say they lost it.

A scruffy TEEN grabs the door handle to enter, then noticesBob holding the defaced suit.

TEENWhoa. Mixed signals. Im out.

The teen leaves as Louise calls after him:

LOUISEYou know people eat rabbits?!

BOB

Oh, great job, Louise. Opinions areokay, but this business is ourlivelihood. We cant pay forvegetables with good will.

LINDAHes right. Cmon, lets get you toschool, my little protestor.

LOUISEBut Im hungry and theres nothingto eat here except death!

LINDAWell get something on the way.

Louise gives Bob the stink eye as she and Linda walk off.

BOBYou can be a vegetarian withoutbeing rude, you know! Maybe.

13.


15/33

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MORNING

Gene and Tina as Tina and Gene walk to class.

TINANow remember - chest out, butt in,

slope your shoulders. I dont wantpeople thinking Im too confident.Keeps their expectations low. Anddont fart in front of Jimmy Jr.!In fact, dont fart anywhere.

GENEYeesh. Anything else, warden?

TINAWell, now that you mention it--

Gene calls out as he runs off:

GENEWatch out for Belligerent Bret!

TINAHuh. He sounds nice.

A FANCY BOY holds the classroom door open for Gene.

FANCY BOYAfter you, madame.

Gene waits for him to walk inside, oblivious. Then it clicks.

GENEOh, uh... thanks.

Gene breezes into the classroom, ruffling Fancy Boys ascot.

A group of boys near the adjacent lockers snicker.

BOY #1Hes doing it again!

BOY #2

Hey Fancy, your manners areshowing!

BOY #3What a weirdo.

FANCY BOYChivalry is only dead if we killit, gentlemen. I bid you adieu.

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16/33

BOY #2What did he call me?!

BOY #1I think he was speaking Spanish.

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HEALTH CLASS - MOMENTS LATER

Tina, as Gene, follows a BOY inside. As he passes through thedoor, he pulls it shut, snickering. Tina crashes into it.

TINAHe mustve not seen me.

She enters, surveys the dark room.

TINA (V.O.)Jimmy Jr., Darryl, Choo-Choo... Not

a bad batch. No way I could getthis close to them if I wasnt aboy.

She takes a seat in the back. A pudgy MALE TEACHER on a stoolat the front of the room, draped in shadow, watches thestudents filter inside.

When the seats are full, the teacher turns on a slideprojector and speaks in a gruff voice.

MALE TEACHERToday were gonna pick up where we

left off on yesterdays maleanatomy lesson. Its as awkward for

me as it is for you, so just keepquiet and well all get throughthis.

The teacher clicks to a slide that reads Yankee DoodleHandy: The Only Sure Way to Avoid STDs.

Tina pumps her fist.

INT. MICROWAVE OVEN - LATER

Muffins, perfectly golden brown, crisp under the heat lamp. Agloved hand opens the oven, then removes the tray.

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HOME EC CLASS - MOMENTS LATER

Gene, as Tina, holds up the tray of muffins with pride as theHOME EC TEACHER, a tiny, wrinkly old woman, looks on.

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HOME EC TEACHERVery good, Tina! Thats about eightshades lighter than usual. Youllbe quite the homemaker, one day.

GENE

I hope so!

HOME EC TEACHERNow go ahead and sample them.Youve earned it.

Genes jaw drops.

GENEWe... we get to eat them?

HOME EC TEACHERWell, sure!

The tray of muffins shakes in Genes hand.

HOME EC TEACHER (CONTD)Just keep that feminine figure. Foryour future husbands sake.

INT. BOBS BURGERS - AFTERNOON

Alone, Bob flips a burger on the grill.

Then, a voice catches his attention.

MOOLISSAHey man.

Without looking, Bob responds.

BOBOh, hey Moolissa. MOOLISSA?!

The spatula clatters to the floor. In shock, Bob turns to seethe cow engulfed in flames, yet seemingly unaffected.

MOOLISSAPretty rad, huh?

BOBOkay, first of all, youre dead.Second, why doesnt it smelldelicious in here right now?

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18/33

MOOLISSASilence! I have a mission for you,Bob. You must lead your people outof the valley of red meat and intothe land of soy milk and raw honey.

BOBI dont know what any of thatmeans.

MOOLISSAMake a veggie burger, Bob.

BOBWhat? Not a chance!

MOOLISSABob, you gotta. Gotta do it, Bob.

BOBEven if I wanted to, I dont havethe palate for it. Im not the one.

MOOLISSAYoure the one.

BOBWhat makes you say that?

MOOLISSAWell, because I said so.

BOBThats kind of an evasive answer.

MOOLISSAYou served me to your family, Bob.You literally cooked me on thatgrill right there, gave me somesnappy name-of-the-day, and fed meto your children. You owe me.

BOBTheres that, yes.

MOOLISSABob, Im beef. Without me, you havenothing. Now if you wont do it for

me, do it for Louise.

Bobs gaze turns resolute.

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19/33

BOBYoure right, Moolissa. Damn it,youre always right!

LINDAWhos Moolissa?

Bob looks around. Moolissa is gone. His burger is burning.

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HOME EC CLASS - LATER

Sweating, Gene works a needle through a cloth, sewing lettersinto it. He glances around nervously, then pricks his finger.

His gut makes funny sounds. He puts a hand on it.

GENEMiss, can I use the bathroom? I ate

too many muffins.

HOME EC TEACHERHow many did you eat?

GENEAll of them.

The girl across from Gene speaks up.

GIRLShe ate mine, too.

GENEI have a weakness for cinnamon!

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Gene runs through the halls, holding his rear end.

GENEButt in! Butt in!

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - GIRLS BATHROOM - SAME

Gene busts inside, checks under the stalls to make suretheyre empty, then rips an epic fart. On his face, puresatisfaction.

Then he sees it: a couch in the corner of the bathroom.

GENEWhat in the life of luxury?!

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He plops onto it and gets comfortable.

GENE (CONTD)So this is where they go when theysay they have cramps.

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - BOYS LOCKER ROOM - LATER

Tina stares out at the vast expanse of boys in towels, nearlysalivating. Hers is the only one pulled up to her armpits.

Beside her, a GYM KID strips his shirt off, revealing awholly average pre-pubescent body. Tina cant look away.

She clears her throat, gets in character.

TINAHi. Dont ask why Im wearing my

towel like this.

GYM KIDWhy would I? You always wear itlike that.

Gym Kid glances at Tinas legs.

GYM KID (CONTD)Wow Gene, your legs look a lothairier than usual today.

TINA

Thanks!

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - GIRLS LOCKER ROOM - SAME

Gene, towel up to his armpits, bites his fingernails as helooks out at the other girls in towels.

Then, Louise strolls inside. She heads toward him.

LOUISETina, what the...

She looks him over.

LOUISE (CONTD)Gene?

GENEShhh!

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LOUISEWhat are you doing?

GENETina and I switched genders. Ialways thought this would be

awesome, but I just feel guilty. Wedidnt consider the unknownunknowns!

Louise snickers, which turns into a giggle, which turns intoa full-blown belly laugh. The other girls stare at them asLouise reaches to pull off her shirt.

LOUISEKeep on staring. Youre about toget an eye-full of the girlsgirls.

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - GYM - LATER

A dark gymnasium, a spotlight focused on a bulgy GYM TEACHERclutching a rubber ball to his hip. He gazes at the floor.

GYM TEACHERToday, boys, you will engage in the

most noble sport known to man. Asport that defines man. For yousee, anywhere we find life, we findviolence. Tougher than fight club,bloodier than a rude Brit, and the

only sport to ever be banned fromthe Olympics, it is...

Dramatically, he looks to the heavens and with a thick arm,lifts the ball high above his head.

GYM TEACHER (CONTD)RAGE-B--

Tina and the BOYS sit in silence in front of the teacher, whostands still, hand perched in the air.

GYM TEACHER (CONTD)(whispering)Albert! Albert, the lights!

The gym lights flick on, and he hurries to say:

GYM TEACHER (CONTD)RAGE-BALL!

Most of the boys cheer, save for JIMMY PESTO JR. and Tina.

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GYM TEACHER (CONTD)You know the rules. You get hit bya throw, you gotta fight. You catcha throw, you gotta fight. You losea fight, you gotta fight. Anyquestions?

TINAWhat if you win the fight?

GYM TEACHERI think we both know the answer tothat. Now, as of last season therehas been a... controversial rulechange. Fish-hooking is no longerallowed.

Boos and jeers from the crowd.

GYM TEACHER (CONTD)I know! I know. I hardly recognizeRage-ball these days. Now line upand well begin the arm wrestlingcompetition to determine teams.

Tina sighs.

Across the gym, Gene and other GIRLS laze about on thebleachers. TAMMY LARSON kicks a soccer ball against the wall.

TAMMYAnd Jenny sucks her thumb, and

Carrie thinks she has superpowers,and April cries when you touch her.

APRIL, one of the girls on the bleachers, stands up.

APRILNo I dont!

A female GYM TEACHER #2 taps April on the shoulder.

GYM TEACHER #2Excuse me, April?

April cries out.

TAMMYWhy the sudden interest in gossip?

GENEOh, no reason. But seriously. Whatabout my brother, Gene? What dogirls think of him?

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TAMMYObviously hes not much of alooker.

Gene suppresses his indignation.

TAMMY (CONTD)Hes kinda funny. Hed rise a fewranks if he didnt fart so much.

He lets his real voice slip through for a second.

GENEBut thats his trademark!

TAMMYHe should look into re-branding.

INT. BOBS BURGERS - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Bob sweats at the grill while Linda looks on, smirking.

LINDAHows it going, Bobby?

BOBHow does it look like its going?

LINDAOh, is it seafood day? Because itsounds like we have a crab.

BOBIm sorry, Lin. This veggie burgernonsense is driving me nuts.

LINDAIts not nonsense! Its a good ideaand you know it. Nonsense is thatcrazy cow dream you wont drop.

BOBMoolissa came to me for a reason. I

just hope I dont let her down.LINDA

Thats good, do it for theimaginary cow, not your daughter.

Bob attempts to flip a square patty, but half breaks off.

BOBThis tofus as delicate as Gayle!

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He corrals the halves and slips them onto a bun.

BOB (CONTD)You taste it.

LINDA

Gladly.

Without hesitation, she bites into it. She chews, pretendingto like it, then gags as the food falls from her mouth.

BOBWell?

Linda points at the mushed up mouthful on the plate.

LINDATastes like it looks.

BOBWhat have I become? Beef has alwaysbeen good to me. They called me thebovine boy in high school. I cantturn my back on it now.

LINDAYour hearts not in it, Bobby.Youre out of your comfort zone.All you have to do is give it yourbest shot.

BOB

You think?

LINDAYoure my bovine boy. If anyone can

make a tofu burger taste good, itsyou. Take it as a challenge.

Bob stands tall at his grill.

BOBYoure right. Im the bovine boy.Burgers bend to my bidding.

He dashes off, spatula in hand.

BOB (CONTD)Ill be in my workshop!

LINDAInvent something to get this wetsock taste out of my mouth.

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25/33

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - AFTERNOON

Louise plops down her tray at a table with Gene, Tina, OLLIE,and ANDY. She lifts a hot dog to her mouth.

TINA

What are you doing, Louise? Ithought you were a vegetarian.

LOUISEHot dogs are made of meat?!

She throws the hot dog to the ground, but a FAT KID catchesit before it lands, then slinks back to his table.

ANDYWait, so you only eat people thatdont eat meat?

OLLIEMy dad says you people cant go asingle meal without complaining.

LOUISEWe have strongly held convictions.

OLLIEAnd that youre all control freaks

with too many options.

LOUISEWe just do things the ethical way.

OLLIEAnd that all you want is attention.

LOUISENot gonna deny that one.

OLLIEAnd that--

LOUISEEnough! Quit being such a Pesto.

Tina shovels handfuls of fries into her mouth, only stoppingwhen she realizes the others are staring at her.

TINAWhat? Im a boy. Boys can eat

whatever they want.

Jimmy Jr. walks by.

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JIMMY JR.Good job winning Rageball, Gene.

GENEYou won?

TINAI guess so. I couldnt really see.

GENEIm enjoying this pampered femalelifestyle. Home Ec is the easiestclass ever. You get a grade justfor being a girl. I gotta find a

way to cheat, just in case.

TINAAnd I love being a boy. I donthave to wear a bra or watch my

figure. Its physical, but itsgood enough for Olivia Newton-John.

GENEWell, I get free pancakes. Ladiesnight at IHOP!

TINANot if you want a decent figure.

GENEWho needs a decent figure when youhave four kinds of syrup!

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - GIRLS BATHROOM

Gene struts in, plops onto the couch and kicks his feet back.Two GIRLS in the stalls begin to converse.

BATHROOM GIRL #1 (O.S.)Im cramped up tighter than a ratin a sewer pipe.

BATHROOM GIRL #2 (O.S.)

That was me two days ago. Now Imleaking like a sinking ship.

Gene winces.

BATHROOM GIRL #1Id kill to be a boy. Literallykill someone.

She lets out a masculine grunt.

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Pure horror on Genes face.

BATHROOM GIRL #1 (CONTD)Sorry. My female rage takes oversometimes.

BATHROOM GIRL #2No, I like it. Dump the bodysomewhere. What a rush.

BATHROOM GIRL #1Think about what youre saying!Wed get caught. Unless we stoletheir identity.

BATHROOM GIRL #2Start a new life. Yeah... We couldbe drug lords in South America!

Gene jumps off the couch and runs out.

BATHROOM GIRL #1Finally.

BATHROOM GIRL #2Tina better have our money.

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - SCIENCE CLASS - LATER

MR. WITHER, a deflated middle-aged man, addresses the class.

MR. WITHERAnd I know youre not going tolisten, but Im required to say it:read chapter twenty-eight in yourtextbooks tonight for homework.

The bell rings. Students, Tina included, flock to the door.

MR. WITHER (CONTD)Hold on, Gene.

Oblivious, Tina keeps walking.

MR. WITHER (CONTD)Gene!

TINAOh. Uh, sorry. My ears are clogged.

MR. WITHERI need you to uphold our agreement.My marriage is in your hands.

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TINAThat doesnt sound like something Ican help with.

MR. WITHERPlease! I cant keep telling my

wife Im using my wedding ring topass around for our chapter onminerals.

Tina gives him a blank stare.

MR. WITHER (CONTD)You agreed to engage with Otto.

TINAWhos Otto?

MR. WITHER

Do you have amnesia? Need to seethe nurse? Hes our class pet!

He gestures to a tank in the corner with a huge octopuspressed up against the glass, his tentacles waving menacinglyabove the rim. A diamond ring glints on one of them.

Tina lets out her trademark groan.

INT. BELCHER HOUSE - BASEMENT - LATER

Bob stares down a block of tofu on a chopping board.

BOB (V.O.)This tofu is like a blank canvas.Ive just gotta concentrate.

He raises a knife, but it hangs motionless in the air.

BOB (V.O.)Oh god, Im freezing up! This ishigh school art all over again!

The tofu jiggles as Bob slaps it.

BOBNo! Im a chef! I know food!

He furrows his sweaty brow.

MONTAGE

Bob chops tofu, forms it into a cube pyramid. He pops one inhis mouth, grimaces, dashes it with seasoning.

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He grabs ingredients littering the table: minces garlic,chops onions, carrots, mushrooms. Pops another cube in his

mouth, shrugs. A glint in his eye, he takes an egg beater tothe pile, then dips his finger in the mush, tastes it, andnods resolutely.

INT. WAGSTAFF SCHOOL - ENGLISH CLASS - LATER

Gene, as Tina, works on a spelling test.

GENE(muttering)

They really crank up the difficultybetween sixth and seventh grade.

As he puts pencil to paper, his stomach rumbles.

GENE (CONTD)

Of all days.

Gene raises his hand.

GENE (CONTD)Can I use the bathroom?

ENGLISH TEACHERNot during a test, Tina.

GENEBut I really, really--

ENGLISH TEACHERIm sorry, youll have to wait.

He holds his rumbling belly and emits Tinas trademark groan.

GENE(whispering)

Sorry, Tina...

Gene braces himself, then lets out a violent fart.

GENE (CONTD)

Ta-da!The class is silent. Then:

CLASS CLOWNF-A-R-T. Fart!

The class erupts with laughter.

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GENEThat should be me!

Gene clutches his head, skewing his wigs positioning.

INT. MEADOW - LATER

Louise wades through the grass and dandelions.

LOUISEDont need them. Dont need school.Dont need anyone telling me how tolive.

Louise picks a leaf from a nearby shrub. She bites into it,grimaces for a second, then makes a not-so-bad face.

LOUISE (CONTD)

Still better than lettuce.

As she sits in a clearing, an adorable rabbit hazards a forayoutside the bushes. She draws it nearer.

LOUISE (CONTD)Youre my only friend now, bub.

The adorable rabbit sneezes adorably.

LOUISE (CONTD)Allergies, huh?

She gazes out at the wilderness around her.

LOUISE (CONTD)This is where Im supposed to be.Not some secondhand slaughterhouse.

A red fox bursts from the bushes and crushes the rabbit inits jaws. Blood spills as it lays down to consume its meal.

LOUISE (CONTD)Oh come on!

She drops to her knees.LOUISE (CONTD)

Its not fair! The odds arestacked! The game is rigged! And Iam way too lazy to find non-meateats for every meal!

Suddenly, a brown bear emerges from the bushes and snatchesthe fox by the neck. Louise screams, dashes away.

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LOUISE (CONTD)Not the best way to get the messageacross, but I understand now! If Idont eat it, something else will!

INT. BOBS BURGERS - MOMENTS LATER

In the vacant dining area, Linda reads a book titled How toAttract Customers: Putting Your Children to Use.

Bob races in with his hands full of mush.

BOBShe said only I could do it, Lin!

LINDAWho said wha-- Oh, no.

BOBI did it! I made a veggie burgerthat didnt make me wanna puke!

He hurries to the grill and slaps it on, sending a cloud ofsteam billowing to the ceiling.

Linda sniffs at the air.

LINDAIt smells edible. Im impressed!

BOB

Moolissa - and Louise - are gonnalove this!

LINDADont be stingy, give me a bite!

BOBIts clearly not done yet.

Bob flips the burger and it sizzles.

Louise walks in with a smile on her face.

BOB (CONTD)There you are. Have I got asurprise for you!

He presses the patty, slips it in a bun, hands it to Louise.

LOUISEGreat, Im starving!

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She bites into it, chews a moment, then SPITS the veggieburger onto the floor. She wipes her tongue on her sleeve.

LOUISE (CONTD)What is that? Tastes like the paperthey package raw chicken on.

BOBIt tastes... what?

LINDALet me try it.

She does.

LINDA (CONTD)Yep. Shes right. Not good.

BOB

Now let me try it.

He nibbles on it. Then, his eye starts to twitch.

BOB (CONTD)I went through such torment to makethis garbage! It was my SistineChapel!

LOUISEIm not vegetarian anymore anyway.

LINDA

But its so empowering!

LOUISEIts okay if you dont mindstarving yourself. And its so much

work! I cant even keep track ofhow many meals I eat a day. Five?Six? Who knows!

BOBSo I did all this for nothing?

LINDANo, you made a new menu item. Justbecause Louise and I dont like itdoesnt mean other people wont.

BOBHuh. I guess thats true. Itscheap to make, and maybe if thecircus comes through town, we coulduse it to feed the llamas.

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LOUISEGreat, now can I get some meat?

Gene and Tina, still dressed as each other, enter the shop.

TINA

Dad, since Im a boy now, can Ihave a raise?

BOBYou were always a boy, and no.

TINAThats it. Im done being a boy.

Tina unclips her hair and it goes back to normal. Gene pullsa wig off his head. Bemused, Bob gawks at Linda.

GENE

I wasnt gonna concede defeat, butme too. I cant get the smell ofcucumber melon out of my nose.

TINAAnd you cant get a boy if you area boy. In hindsight, that was dumb.

GENENeither gender has it easier,theyre just different problems.

TINA

Pick your poison.

LOUISEExcept you cant pick!

GENEOh, and Tina, you might wanna thinkof a few come-backs for tomorrow. Agirl lets one go and she neverhears the end of it! And here.

Gene takes Tinas glasses off, then steps forward to hand

them to her, but wobbles and falls from imbalance. Tina slipsthe glasses on.

GENE (CONTD)I feel like Im twenty-one!

TINAI feel like Im twenty-twenty.

END OF SHOW

32.

Documents

Bob's Burgers - "Dreams of Moolissa" (SPEC)