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BO CHEN

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Bo Chen's letter to Nikki. A collection of messages from Spring to Winter of 2015. ISBN 9781364758134

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  • BoChen

    BoChen

    BOCHEN

  • BOCHEN

  • FromBo

    ToNikki

  • Nikki,

    Ineversawvalueincommitmentforitsownsake,butwhenyoushared

    withmeyourbeliefandperspectivethatitallcamedowntobeingabout

    achoice,IreallythoughtaboutthatandfeltIcouldseewhatyoumeant.

    Youexpressedtomethatyouareauniqueperson,andthatyounever

    questionedtheimpactofseeingsomethingneworofbeing

    fundamentallychangedbyit.WhileI'vealwaysbelievedinseeingthe

    biggestpicture,I'vealsorealizedthebiggestpictureisimportantonlyin

    thatitprovidesthebestcontextandgreatestframe-of-reference;but

    thatsuchstancebyitselfisempty,vacuous,andlacking.Perhapswhatis

    missingisthatsortofirreplaceableindividualsubjectivityandcompelling

    distinctiveuniqueness.

    TheonlyexplanationIcouldthinkofisthatyoumayhavemisunderstood

    whatImeantandIprobablyalsomiscommunicatedwhatIhadintended

    toconveywhenItoldyouthatIthoughttheworldwasessentially

    comingtoanendinabout20yearstimeandthatweshouldjustlive

    selfishlyforeachourselves.IshareditwithyoubecauseittrulyishowI

    feelaboutthat,butinretrospectIbelieveifIhadintentformorethan

    justfriendshipIwouldnothavedisclosedsomethinglikethatinsucha

    wayoratsuchastage.Butreally,Iwouldhavehopeditwouldn'thave

    matteredonewayoranother.Itiswithoutdoubtaverypessimistic

    outlook.Maybeevenoverlypessimistic,butonlybecauseoutofa

    genuineabundanceofcaution.Iconsidermyselfoptimistically-

    pessimistic,ifthatmakesanysenseatall.Asyouknow,therearenever

    anytrueguaranteesinlifeanyway.Onanindividuallevelthereisjustso

    muchvariabilitytotruehappinessthatanyconsiderationof

    macroeconomicsislargelypointless.SoIdo"liveinthemoment",in

    spurtsandintermittently.TherestofthetimeItendtotakea"biggest

    pictureview".Thejuxtapositioncanbequitestarkbutsomehowitfits.

    AndIcanalsounderstandwhysuchworldviewsarenotsomethingthat

    youcouldfindyourselfaligningwith.Intruth,attimesIfeltthatyouwere

    tryingtobringyourselftoagreewhateverythingIsharedwithyou,even

    sometimesmentallybendingoverbackwardstotrytoaccommodate

    whatyouperceivedtobemyviewsandpositions,wheninfactIwould

  • havemorethanwelcomedaheateddebateorcordialargumentand

    suchtantalizingconversationofsorts.SowhenIaskedifyouifthoughtit

    wasveryselfishofme,Iexpectedyoutosayyes,andthentrytoshow

    meyouroutlook,howyousawandperceivedoftheworld,andthrough

    itallIwouldhavegainedanotheruniqueframeofreferencewithinthe

    largercontextofeverythingelse.I'vealwaysbeensomeonewhowanted

    tofigureoutthebiggestpicture,thehighesttruth,thedeepestreality,

    evenifitgoesagainsteverythingthatIwanted.ItoldmyselfthatonceI

    kneweverything,I'dbecompletelyfreetopickandchooseanddecide

    whatIwantedtoexperience,theviewsandperspectivesIwishedto

    adopt,evenifitwentagainstthebiggestpicture.Thebiggestpictureis

    justthestartingpoint,Ineverallowedmyselftobeconfinednor

    restrictedbyit;butatthesametimeIdidn'twanttomakeanydecision

    norcommittoanythingwithoutfirstseeingandknowingeverything-at

    leastfromthatsortofhighestlevel.Despitewhatyouhavestated,Istill

    findithardtobelievethatmyinitialcancellationoftheSeattletripdidn't

    haveanyinfluenceorbearingonyourdecisiontowriteme.ButI'msorry

    Ididn'trespectyourdecision,itwasn'tintentional,itwasjustthatmore

    thananythingIfeltthatifIhadknownorbeenabletopredictthe

    outcomeIwouldhavedoneitverydifferently.

    Sometimesitjustallfeelssosurreal.Notonlythislifeandmyveryown

    existence,butindeedtheabsolutetotalityofallofgrandexistenceitself.

    Whythis?Whyhere?Whynow?andwhyme?Maybethegreatest

    mysteryandwonderisthatanythingeverevenexistsatall;andthat

    existenceitselfinallitsmyriadformsandintricatewaysisperhapsthe

    mostsplendidawe-inspiringwonderment.Inallourwanderings,we

    sometimescomeacrossotherswhothinkandfeelthesamewayaswe

    do..andthatnomatterhowfleetingormomentary,wecantake

    comfortinknowingwhenourpathcrossedthatweallshareacommon

    existentialsamenessinthatregard,alonebutyetconnectedthroughour

    loneliness.Whetheritiscalledfriendshiporinterpersonalinteractionor

    personalcollisions,Idon'tthinkitisthenameorlabelthatreallymatters.

    ButIdobelieveitistrulypossibletoknowwithouthavingtounderstand,

    andtolikewithoutneedingtohave.

  • Iamsomewhatawareoftheapparentironythateventhemostgenuine

    formsofaltruismcouldboildowntobeaboutyetanothertypeorvariant

    ofselfishness.Thoughthemotivesandintentionsareoftendifferent,it

    stillcomesbacktobeingabouthowitmakesusfeel.I'vemerelysettled

    ontheviewthatsuchdistinctionsarenotdifferencesthattrulymakea

    difference,exceptperhapsininstancesinwhichImanagetocatchmyself

    tryingtoohardthatitthenbecomesakintoyouranalogyofcarelessly

    andselfishlythrustingmyselfoutthereinordertobefixed.No,Iknow

    thatisnotwhatIreallywant,norisitwhatitisreallyallabout.

    Youoncesharedwithmethatyouwishedtobewantedanddesiredfor

    whoyouareandnotforwhatyoucandoforsomeoneelse;andlikewise

    thatyoutrytosurroundyourselfwithpeoplewhomyouwanttowantto

    bearound.IagreewithyoursentimentbutIalsofeelthatindeeditis

    somethingsorareandinfrequentlyfound.Somanyrelationshipsinlife

    arecalculatingandtransactional,suchasourinteractionswithparents,

    family,friends,employersandevensocietyatlarge.Allofwhichare

    mostlypredefined,efficient,structural,conditionalandclearlydelineated,

    yetheartlessandwithoutmagicoraliveness.Mostpeoplespendtheir

    entireliveswithouteverfeelingsomethinglikethis,withouteverhaving

    knownsuchdesiresortohavethemarousedandbroughttolifeby

    them.Thosewhocan'trelatetothisusuallyneverwill.Ithinkifyouhave

    everfeltsuchamoment,orevensomuchastrulycontemplatedor

    pondereduponit,thenyoumustalreadyknowexactlywhatImeant.

    Ihopeyoufindandsustaintheloveandhappinessthatyouseek,in

    whateverwayandthroughwhatevermeansitmightbemanifestedand

    expressed.Imsureyouwillmakeawonderfullynurturingmotheranda

    lovinglydevotedwife,andakindandcaringfriend.Therearenogreater

    joysinlifethanthose.

    >>>

  • Thankyouforhavingwrittentome,Istillwishtoexpressmyappreciation

    forthetimethatyouspentsharingyourwordsandyourthoughts.They

    werelovelyandIfoundthemtobeverycompelling.Idefinitelyfeelitis

    possibletofindandkeepthatsortoftruehappinessinlife.I'msorrythat

    Ioffendedyouandmadeyoufeeluncomfortable.Ihopeyouaredoing

    well.

    Bo

    December15th2015A.D.E.

  • Nikki,

    Spaceandtimeareactuallyonewholeentity,ifcurrentscientifictheories

    aretobebelieved.Everythingthatweknowofexistsinthisfabricof

    'space-time'.Supposedlyatthemomentofthebigbangsome13.8

    billionyearsago,theentireuniversewasasingularinfinitesimalpointof

    ininfitedensity.Everythingwasperfectinthesensethatitwastheexact

    sameeverywhere.Perfectsymettryandperfectorder.As"time"wenton,

    itscounterpart"space"alsoexpanded.Astheuniverseexpandeditalso

    cooled,andasitcooledthesymettryieswerebroken-muchliketheway

    randomicecrystalsstartingtoformashomogeonouspoolsofwaterare

    coolledtofreezingtemperateusres.Fromthefirstinitialmoment

    onwardstheentireuniversehasbeentransformingfromanextremely

    orderedandlowentrophystatetothatofmuchhigherentrophyand

    moredisorderedstates.Thisiswhatisknownasthearrowoftime.

    Eventuallyaftermorethan100trillionyears+theuniversewilldieina

    verycoldprocesscalled"heatdeath"wherebymatterdecaysbackinto

    masslessraditationanditcontinouslyexpandsandcools,thinningout

    andthinningoutuntiltheoncestellarfriousuniversefilledwithstarsand

    galaxiesandbrimmingwithplanetsharboringlife...andeverylifeform

    thathaseverbeenselfaware,thathaseverfalleninlove,thegolden

    agesofcivilization,etcallthetobereplacedwithwhatwouldappearto

    beaninfinitespaceofzerodensityinatrulyunimagineabletimefrom

    now.(theanti-thesisofthebigbangstate)Inabout10^100yearsfrom

    nowtherewillbenothingleft,eventhelastoftheremainingblackholes

    wouldhaveevaporatedasthelasttickofthetockofthe'clock'finishes,

    timedisappearsandnothinghappens,anditkeepsnothappening,

    forever.

    Thereisastrangertheory,calledthePenroseCCC,whichbasicallystates

    thatthisfinal'endstate'actuallyistheconformalequivalentofthe

    'beginningstate',andinfinitespaceofzerodensityisthesameoratleast

    indistguishablefrominfinitesimalspaceofinfinitedensity.Basically,time

    onlyexistswhen'thingshappen',afterthelast'event'occursinthe

    universe,thelasttickoftheclock,timedissappearsaltogether(literally,

    notfigurativelylikemoneydissppearing,

  • etc)andwithouttimetherealsoceasestoexiststhenotionsofdistance,

    matter,space...andtheunitsofmeasurementarereset,everythingstarts

    anew,andtheendstateofoneuniverse(infinitebig,zerodensity)

    becomestransformedinto(orratheralreadyIS)thestartingstateof

    anothernewuniverse(zerospace,infinitedensity)....orsomethinglike

    that.Inanycase,thetruenaturalofrealityseemsverybizarreandI'm

    unsurehowdeeptherabbitholegoes.Whileithasnoimpacton

    everydaylife,itisinterestingtoponderandcontemplatenonetheless.

    Somovingontomoresolidground...Everythingthatweseetodaythat

    isordered-indeedfromlifeofnewbornbbabiestothatofnewly

    constructedskyscrapers,airplanesandcruiseships,etc-theyallgain

    theirlocalorder(locallow-entrophystatesina'closedsystem')atthe

    directexpense(entrophicallyspeaking)oftheiroutsidesurroundingsand

    theirexternalenvrionmentbyexpellingmoredisordertotheiroutside

    environment(makingtherestofthetotalityofexistenceahigher-

    entrophystate).Thinkofitthisway,coolertemperateshavemoreorder

    andlowerentrophy(entrophycanbebasicallythoughtofas

    "randomness",themoreentrophythereisinanysystemthemore

    "random"and"disordered"itis)thanwarmertemperatesbecauseair

    moleculesaremorecloselybundledtogetherincoldertemperates

    versusbeingmorerandomandracingaroundinhottertemperates.A

    refrigeratoroperatesbymakingtheinsideofarefrigeratorcooleratthe

    expenseofexportingthatheatintotheexternaloutsideworld.Thisis

    alsowhyopeningyourrefrigeratordoortotrytocoolyourhomewould

    neverwork!Becausethecoolnessbeinggeneratedinafrigcomesback

    outasheatinthebackradiator!Airconditionersonlyworkbecausethe

    heatisexportedtotheoutsideenvironmentinaunitthatisplaced

    outsidethebuildingorhouse,butstill,theplanetasawholeismade

    warmerandnotcooler!

    Lifeworksthesameway.Ourneareststar,thesun,startedoutasa

    highlyorderedstateatitsmomentofbirthsome5billionyearsago.It

    burnshydrogenandconvertsthatintoheliumandotherheavier

    elementsinanuclearfusionprocess.Intheprocessitalsoexpellsheat

    andlightraysasitcontinouslytransformsfromahigherordertolower

  • orderstate.Someofthe'order'thatitexpelsfallsuntotheplanetearth

    intheformofsunshine.Throughaprocessofphotosynethsis,plants

    soakupsomeofthatorder/lightandconvertittofueltogrow

    themselves,butintheprocessofmakingthemselvesmoreordered,

    planetsalsoexcretotherbyproductsofwastethatinevitablytransform

    theirexternalenvrionmentsintomoredisorderedstates.Animalseatthe

    planetsandthemselvesbecomemore'ordered'byconsumingtheplants

    lowentrophystates,butalsoatthesametimecreatingevenmore

    disorderthatisexpelledtotheexternalenvironment.Humanstheneat

    theseplanetsandanimals(weareatthetopofthefoodchain),andwe

    makeourselvesmoreordered(grow)byridingonthebacksofother

    systemsthatcamebeforeus:Human->cow->grass->sunlight->big

    bang->?.

    Asawhole,everythingintheuniverseisbecomingmoreandmore

    disordered,italwayshasbeenandalwayswillbe.Therearebutisolated

    patchesofincreasing(local)order,buteventhatisonlypossiblethrough

    theexportingofdisordertooutside(global)surroudnings!Ababygrows

    andbecomesmoreorderedattheexpenseofconsumingfood(ordered

    states)andexpellingwaste(disorder)toitsenvironment.Soitisrather

    funny,andatadbitironic,thatextremelywealthypeople(whoareofthe

    highestorderandbydefinitioncreatethehighestdisorder)fool

    themselvesintofeelinggoodaboutwhattheyaredoingby'goinggreen'

    or'givingback',orbypretendingtoreducetheirtotalcarbonfootprint

    byusingcarbonoffsettingorcarbontaxswapsorsomeotherderivate

    scams.

    Luckily,mostofthisisnotdifferencesthatmakeadifference.Therewill

    stillbestarsshinningintheunvierseforwellintoahundredtrillionyears

    ormore,ourownsunwon'tevenbeginrunningoutoffuelforanother

    billionyears,andregardlessofhowbadclimatefchangeandresource

    consumptionissueesarehereonearth,theseissueswon'tlikelyhavea

    materiallysignnificantadverseeffectoranysubsantiatienegaiveimpact

    onourgenerationorourlivesuntilwhenwearewellintoour50's,by

    whichtimethepeakandprimeofouronceyouthwillhavebeena

    foregonemememoryofthesubjesctivedistancepast.Asbadas

  • everythingisintheworld,Ithinkwestillhaveagoodtwentyyearsorso

    toenjoyitallforonelasttime.YouprobablythinkI'mveryselfishfor

    takingsuchaview?

    Ioncereadsomewherethatbiologicallyspeaking,thehumanbodystarts

    'aging'aftertheageof20,andthatitisalldownhillfromthere,surevery

    slowlyatfirst,butthenfasterandfaster.Forfemalesinparticular,after

    theageof30itstartstobecomemoreandmoredifficulttohavehealthy

    children.Evenformen,post-30testeeronestartstodeclinemeasurably

    yearafteryear.Oncesomeonehitsage50,thenitreallystartsgoing

    downhill.SoIstillhave20yearslefttomakeitcountbeforeitisforall

    extentsandpurposesalloveranyway!

    Adversarialrelationshipwithtime,indeed!

  • Nikki,

    Itwassixmonthsagothatyoufirstwrotemeyourinitialletterin

    responsebacktomycontactmessage.Itishardtobelievethathalfa

    yearpassedbysoquickly.

    BackinearlyMarchIhadjustaboutturned30yearsoldandIhadno

    ideawhatIwantedtodowiththesecondhalfoftherestofmylife.Iwas

    merelycoastingthroughlifeanddriftingonby.Nothingheldmyinterest

    anymoreandmywholelifefeltlikearathermeaninglessexistence.Itwas

    notagoodwaytolive.

    Whatstartedoutasasocialexperimentandaprankofsortsquickly

    endedupbeingveryrealforme.ThetruthisIwasonPenPalWorld

    becauseIwasboredoutofmymind.Boredatwork.Boredoflife.How

    ironicandperhapsfittingthatIultimatelyendedupbeingthevictimof

    myownprankandthelabratandtestsubjectinmyownsocial

    experiment.HadIknownthenwhatIknownowIwouldhavedonealot

    ofthingsverydifferently.ButasselfishasthismaysoundIdont

    regrethavingcontactedyou.Falsepretensesornot,youendedup

    givingmetwoofthebestweeksofmylifeandhelpedmakemefeeltruly

    alive;somethingIhadntfeltinalongtime.

    Iveprobablyletdown,disappointed,hurtandpushedawaynearly

    everyoneIveeverencounteredinmylife.EvenasachildIvealwaysfelt

    rebelliousandabitofalonerandmaverick,IknowthatIonlyhadone

    lifetoliveandIwasnotgoingtoletanyoneelsetellmehowIshouldlive

    it.IthoughtthatifonlyIjusthadthistruefreedom,liberationandchoice

    thatIwouldalwaysdowhatwasbestformeandthatitwouldmakeme

    happiest.

    ThroughIdontthinkGodactuallyreallyexists,IdobelieveIknowwhy

    peopleneedhim.ItookthepathofdoingexactlywhatIthoughtthe

    selfwantedandIvecompletelyfailed.IvedonealmosteverythingIve

    everwantedtodoandithasntreallybroughtmeanytrueorlasting

    happiness.IthinksomepeoplecomeclosertoGod(orthenotionor

  • conceptofGod)sothattheycangiveuptheselfandbygivingupthe

    selfwithallitsfoolishnesstheycanthenfinallybehappyandfree.

    Willyoumeetmeatthesamecoffeeshop30yearsfromtoday?Friday,

    September15,2045at9:00AMlocaltimeinthemorning.Ifthe

    PoulsbohemianCoffeehousenolongerexiststhenIllbeatthenearest

    coffeeshopfromwhereitusedtobe.ImverysorryIcanceledonyou

    backinApril.Ivenevermadeanysortofcommitmentlikethisbeforebut

    IpromiseyouIwillbetherethistime,nomatterwhat.Imcompletely

    sureofitnow.IfyoushowupIllfinallymakeituptoyouinperson.Id

    lovetomeetyouatleastonetimeinmylife,evenifitisneartheendof

    it.IthinkIdstillalwaysmissyouevenifImether.

    Bo

  • Nikki,

    Youknowwhatisfunny?I'vebeenregrettingnotmeetingyouforso

    long..Irealizedwehavealreadymet!Andmorethanjustonce!

    Theveryfirsttimewasactuallyattheverybeginningofcreation-about

    13.8billionyearsago,atthemomentofthePlanckEpoch(thefirst

    10^-43secondsafterthemomentofthebigbang)whenalltheentire

    universewascompressedintothespacemuchsmallerthaneventhesize

    ofasingleatom.Togiveyousomeappreciationforjusthowbriefand

    fleetingthePlanckErareallywas,therearemorePlanckunitsoftime

    (10^-43)inonesinglesecondthantherearesecondsintheentire

    historyoftheknownuniverse(13.8billionyears).Attheveryfirst

    momentofcreationeverythingwasone,itwasgoodandperfect.But

    thatdidn'tlastlong:(

    Perhapsthesecondtimewemetwasabout6billionyearsago,insidethe

    furnaceofadyingstarthatexistedevenpriortotheconceptionofour

    ownsun.Everysinglecarbonatominyourentirebodywascreated

    throughthethermonuclearreactionprocessinsidethatancientstar

    whosedemisegaverisetoyou,tomeandtoeveryoneelse.Without

    carbonandwater,therecanbenolifeonearthoranywhereelseinthe

    Universe.AndcertainlyeveryatomheavierthanIronwascreatedbya

    dyingstarthatexplodedinamassivesupernova.Inasense,weareall

    stardust!Isupposethatgivesanewmeaningto"ashestoashes":)

    We"met"forthethirdtime-ormoreaccuratelyourancestorsofwhich

    wearedirectgeneticlineagedecedentsfrom-inmorerecenttimes

    duringLUCA(LastUniversalCommonAncestor)about3.5billionyears

    agoassingle-cellorganisms(almostlikebacteria)inthePaleoarcheanera

    -perhapsfloatinginmicrobialmatsontheseafloor.Thiswasalsothe

    veryfirsttimethatDNA/RNAevolvedandcameintobeing.Itwouldalso

    laterserveasthegeneticvehicleandinformationreplicationdatabaseof

    whichnowhousesandcatalogueseverysinglelivingorganismin

    existenceonthisplanettodaywithoutanyexception,includingall7

    billionhumansandofcourseyouandme.Isitnotremarkablethatwe

  • cantraceourrootsallthewaybacktoLUCAandearlier?Asingle

    unbrokenlineforbillionsofyears!

    Itwasonlyabout2or3millionyearsagothatourspecies(humans)first

    appearedinoraroundancientEthiopia.Wewereonceallinaverysmall

    tribeorbandsoftribeslivingsomewhereinthatareaofwhatisnow

    knowntodaytobeAfrica,livingourlivesamongstthebanksofthose

    ancientflowingriversandwatersoflife.Ourancestorshuntedand

    gatheredforfood,andlivedshortandbrutallivesbuthadtheynot

    madeitandiftheyweren'tabletosuccessfullyreproduceandpassdown

    theiroffspring,wewouldnotbeheretoday.Iwouldabsolutelyloveto

    visittheGreatRiftValleywithyousomedayitwouldbesuchawalkto

    remember.Justtoholdyourhandwhilereminiscingthatitwasabout

    twomillionsyearsagothatourgreatestofgreatancestorsonceroamed

    theselands,thathereiswhereweallstartedout,ourspeciesinfant

    cradle.Talkaboutcominghomefullcircle!

    Onceuponafifthtime-inevenmorerecenttimes-wealsocamefrom

    theonesamefamilytree.Infact,ifwetracedourrootsbackfarenough

    wesharedtheexactsamemotherandfather.(thoughneveratthesame

    time,AdamandEveneveractuallymetoneanother,that'sabit

    complicatedlol)"MitochondrialEve"orotherwisealsoknownasMRCA

    (MatrilinealMostRecentCommonAncestor)wasouractualancient

    mother-arealhumanfemalewholivedanddiedabout100,000

    200,000yearsago.Canyoubelieveit,Nikki?Everysinglepersonalive

    todaysharethesameancestralmother,weallcamefromher,including

    youandme!Inaway,Icouldcallyoumylonglostdistantsisterwithout

    havingtoattachanyreligiouscontexttoit!

    March15th2015A.D.E,wemetagainforthesixthtimewhenyouwrote

    backtomeonPenPalWorldanonlinesitethatofferedapenpal

    service,byanyothermeasureacompletenoveltyuntilthe21stcentury.

    Bythistimecivilizationandindeedlifeitselfhadchangedsomuchasto

    becompletelyunrecognizablefromitsancientroots.Justafewhundred

    yearsagowewouldneverhavebeenabletocontactoneanother,

    certainlynotwiththeeaseofinstantcommunicationacrossthousandsof

  • miles.Throughoutthevastmajorityofhumanhistorypeoplewereborn,

    livedanddiedwithouteverleavingtheirlittlevillage.Theirlittlecornerof

    theworldwasallthattheyeverknew,andtothem,allthateverexisted.

    Isn'titremarkablethatonlywithinthelasttwodecadesorsothatweasa

    speciesandglobalcivilizationadoptedtheuseoftheInternetandcell

    phonesandothertechnologicallyadvanced,instantaneous,pervasive

    andubiquitousformsofcommunication?Ourinitialcorrespondence

    consistedofnothingmorethanbitsonaserverorthepulsatingstate-

    changesofindividualelectronsandtheirenergizedquantumvibrations

    onaphysicalwire,TCP/IPpacketsflowingthroughacrossonroutersand

    switchesandRJ-45Ethernetcablesandacrossthebackboneofthefiber

    opticcablesontheInformationsuperhighway(Internet).Anunbroken

    digitalelectroniccommunicationchainfromyourkeyboardtomy

    monitorandviceversa.

    Butactuallymeetingyouinpersonfortheseventhtimewouldbethe

    icingonthecake,thelastpenultimateswan-songofauniversethathad

    becomeself-awareofitself,thefinalepitomeofitsveryownexistence.

    Thepossibilityandpotentialofmoreintelligentandadvanced

    extraterrestrialaliensnotwithstanding,thehumanbrainisthemost

    complexsystemintheentiregalaxy,andperhapstheentireuniverse.

    YouareoneofthemostinterestingpeopleIveeverwrittento,andIve

    beendoingthisforalongtime.Immostcertainlythelongestwinded

    personIveeverknown.Howevershortorfleetingitactuallywas,Ithink

    wesharedsomethingtrulygreat,somethingveryfewothershaveever

    sharedonthisspinningthirdrockfromthesunthatwecallthepaleblue

    dotoreveninthisvastexpanseofthismostdarkandlonelyuniverse..

    Whatisitlikefortheuniversetofinallymeetthisparticularaspectand

    expressionofitselfatperhapswhatisthemostfine-tunedpinnaclepoint

    ofitsentireexistence?

    Maybeournextmeeting,whatwouldperhapsbeourseventhone,could

    occursometimenextspringtimeof2016.Itwaswasntforyou,Iwould

    probablyneverhavevisitedSeattle.Imostcertainlywouldneverhave

    theideatogotoJapanbymyselforonmyownvolition.ButIwould

    definitelyliketotagalongwithyoutoNaritanextspring,ifyoustillplan

  • ongoingandifyouwerenotgoingwithanyoneelse.Ifandwhenyou

    bookyourtickets,ifyouwouldbewillingtoshareyourflightplanand

    tripitinerarywithme,thenIdlovetomeetupwithyouinJapanandwe

    cangoseetheCherryBlossomstogether.IknowIwouldlikethatvery

    much.Orifyouwant,ifwecangetourschedulestomatchand

    synchronize,IwouldbeveryhappytoflyoutfromDFWtoSEAandthen

    maybewecouldevenbeonthesameoutboundinternationalflightfrom

    SeattletoNarita!Longairplaneflights,especiallyinternationaland

    intercontinentalones,tendtoalwaysbesomewhattediousandtortious

    forme,andIusuallydontadjustthatwelltothetimezonechangeand

    jetlag,howeverwithyoubymysideIthinkitwouldbefun!Illevenget

    youahellokittybackpackandlovinglyteaseyouaboutNikitagoingto

    Narita!IknowthereissomuchwecoulddoandseeinJapanandIve

    lovetodoallofthemwithyou.

    -Bo

  • DearNikki,

    Iknowmyownweaknesses,flawsandimperfections.Ihavealwaysbeen

    abletoriseabovethesubjectivemomentandtakeacompletely

    objectivebiggest-pictureviewofeverything.

    IfthatnobleintentiswhatreallymattersthemostthenIknowwhoI

    reallyamandwhatIreallywant,althoughIhavenotalwaysbeenableto

    staytruetomyself.

    Evengivenalltheimperfectionsandinsecuritiesyouhavesharedwith

    meaboutyourselfIstillfeelthatyouareamuchbetterpersonthanIam.

    IhavegenuinelyfeltthataboutyouinawaythatIhaveneverfeltfor

    anyoneelsebefore.Thisissomethingthatreallyhasnothingtodowith

    intellectorphysicalattributesoranythingelselikethat.Itisperhapsmore

    thanevenpersonalityorcharacter.

    Intermsofaromanticconnection,Ihavethoughtalotaboutwhat

    makesaninteractionsospecialandirreplaceable.Objectively,thereare

    somanypeopleintheworldthattheremustbeliterallythousands,ifnot

    tensorevenhundredsofthousandsofotheruniqueindividualsoutthere

    withwhomwecouldpotentiallysharethatsortofinteractionand

    personalcollisions.

    Itcertainlyseemsthatatleastintheinitialstagesthatfirst-contacthas

    alwaysbeensoarbitraryandsituational,nothingmorethanseemingly

    randomchance-encountersandfortuitousgreetingsandmeetings.

    Whiletheromanticsideofmetotallyunderstandswhy,ifyouwere

    tragicallywidowedyouwouldprobablynevergetremarried,orwhyyou

    haveprobablydecidedthatyouwillonlyevermakethecommitmentto

    loveamanwitheverythingyouhaveandfortherestofyourlifebutonly

    makesuchacommitmentonce,theanalyticalaspectofmeispuzzledby

    it.

  • Somuchoflifeandloveisperhapsnoexceptioncomesdownto

    externalfactorslikelife-timing,physical-location,andothersituational

    circumstances.Imaginetwodifferentmen,bothequallycompellingand

    bothcapableofhavingtheactualpotentialtobetheonerightmanfor

    you,albeiteachdistinctivelyuniqueinhisownparticularway.And

    imaginethatyouhadmerelybumpedintothefirstmanfirst,developed

    verystrongfeelingsforhimandlaterfullycommittedtohim.Whatif

    somethinghappenedtothatmanorwhatifhelaterondecidedtoleave

    you?Wouldyouturnaroundandgivethesecondmanachanceor

    wouldyoubecomeemotionallyclosed-offbecauseithurttoomuchand

    itwastoohardandpainfultotryagain?Whatifyouhadmetthesecond

    manfirstandneverevenencounteredthefirstman?Doyouseethe

    hypotheticaldilemmahere?

    Well,IthinkIfigureditout.BeyondmerelyreligiousreasonsIthinkIalso

    knowwhyyouplacesuchanimportanceonmaintainingvirginity.Aswith

    otherformsofloyalty,devotionandcommitment,Ibelievetheansweris

    becauseitchangesus,itrewiresourphysiologyanditforcesustobeor

    becomeadifferentperson.Anaptanalogywouldbeifyouheatedaraw

    uncookedeggitwouldundergoachemicalprocessthatwould

    permanentlyalteritsformitinawaythatcouldneverbereversedsimply

    bycoolingitbackdown.Likewise,fallinginloveisnotaprocessthatcan

    bereversedbyanysortofemotionalundo.Forbetterorforworse,we

    areneverthesamepersoneveragain.Soperhapswhatyouarereally

    waitingforistherightpersonwhoyouactuallywanttochangeyou.

    Someonewithwhomyoufinallywanttoputyourwholelifeinthat

    personshands.Andonceyouhavemergedwithhimineverypossible

    wayandhehassoutteredtransformedyouintothewomanyouwould

    havebecome,intohiswoman,thenthereisnogoingbackorfallingin

    lovewithanotherman.Whoeveryouendupwith,youwouldhave

    committedtobecomemoldedjustforhim.Thiswhythedecisionisso

    important,andwhyyoucouldonlydoitonce.Itisprobablyalsowhy

    feelingwantedissuchacrucialcomponentforyou.

  • Iwanttoalwaysbelievethatitisactuallypossibletofindandsustainthat

    sortofloveandtostayinthatkindofmomentforever.Somethingso

    exhilarating,real,andalive.Deepdown,Ihavealwayspictured,

    visualized,andconceptualizedthisaswhatItrulywanttobeand

    experiencethemostoutoflifeaboveandbeyondallelse.Just

    somethingplayfulandcarefree,almostlikeahide-and-go-seekorasort

    oflost-and-found.Fullofawe-inspiringwondermentandthatwondrous

    feelingoffalling,stayingandbaskinginlove.Childlikebutmature,where

    thewholeworldisonesplaygroundandloveislikearecessofthemind

    thatneverhastoend.

    ThesortofloveandhappinessthatIhavealwaysenvisionedhasnever

    reallydependeduponexternal,situationalorcircumstantialfactors

    beyondthatofperhapsbeingbesidesthatkindofpersonwithwhomIve

    alwayswantedtolovewitheverythingthatIhad.Twopeoplecouldlive

    theexactsamelifebaseduponexternalmetricsandotherobjective

    standards(education,career,income,socialeconomicfactors,etc)yet

    onepersoncouldbeabsolutelylonelyandmiserablewhiletheother

    personmightbeinlovewitheverymomentofhislife.IknowIwould

    muchratherbepoorandstruggling,butinloveandlivingwithmeaning

    andpurposeversusbeingwealthybutindifferent,apatheticandbored.

    Ultimately,alloflifeboilsdowntobeingaboutexperiences.Experiences

    areaboutemotions,moods,perceptions,feelings,andmentalstates.It

    doesntmatterhowweemotionallygetthere(thereisnothingwrong

    withbeingrichandalsoinloveallatthesametime)justthatweendup

    gettingthere.

    Butitseemstoooftenwelosesightofwhatisreallyimportantandwhat

    trulyaffordsusthemostintenseeffective-happinessbychasingafterthe

    wrongelementsorusingthewrongstrategies.Forexample,thetwo

    shortweeksofletterwritingthatwesharedwasmuchmorememorable

    formethanthebestvacationortripthatIevertook.IfIfoundthegirlof

    mydreamsandIknewforsureshewastheoneandshefeltexactlythe

    samewayaboutme,Iwouldgiveeverything,evenmyownlife,justto

    spendoneperfectdaywithher-ifthatwasallwecouldhaveorshare

  • together.Oursubjectiveinnerworlds,andhowwefeelaboutourselves

    andtheoneswelove,isfarmoreprofoundandimpactfulthananything

    elsecouldpossiblyeverbe.Sothisismyperspectiveandmypriorityand

    alsowhereIcomefromandwhatIlookforinlife.

    Youoncesharedwithmethesentimentthatyoufeltlikeyouwere

    somewhatmissingoutonlife,thatyouoftenfoundyourselftobe

    awkwardordullwithnewpeopleandthatyouknewtherewasmoreand

    thatyouwantedmorebutyouwerenotsureofhowbesttoexpressthat

    aboutyourself.IthinkIcanunderstand,itmustfeellikelivingbehinda

    glasswindow,whereyoucanlook,butyoucannotreallytouchor

    interact,whereyousimultaneouslyfearbeingvulnerableandhurtand

    yetattheverysamemomentyoureallywantandneedtobevulnerable

    andexposedandtohavethatfeelingthatyourfaithisfinallyrewarded.

    InmyownparticularwayIbelieveImaybeabletosomewhatrelateand

    understand.

    Iamcompletelyseriousaboutwantingyou,andwantingtospendthe

    restofmylifewithyou,andtocompletelybeyours,utterly,entirely,and

    completely,ifyouwantme.Ihopeyouhavethecourage,wisdomand

    hearttogoafterwhatevertrulymakesyouhappiestinlife,inwhatever

    formitmaybeorwhateverexpressionitmighttakeon.Thisiscertainly

    thesortofprime-directivethatIhavealwaysfollowedinmylife,

    howeversometimesIfeelthatdespitemybestofintentionsthatIhave

    oftenmadefoolishdecisionsbynotalwaysbeingtruetomyself.ButI

    haveverylittledoubtthatwhomeveryouendupwithwillbetheright

    personandtheperfectpersonforyou.

    PleasedonotfeelthatIamasconceited,noraspresumptuousor

    pretentiousastosuggestthatthatsomeoneisme.Iknowforafactyou

    cancertainlydoalotbetter,forexample,someonewhowasmore

    mentallyperfectandlessemotionallyunstable.WhileIhavealwaysfelt

    thatregardlessofwhateveryoumaythinkofme,thatitisthecontentof

    mymessagethatisimportant,andwhileIneverwantedanythingtotake

    awayfromthat,atthesametimetheconverseisalsotrue.Regardlessof

    thecontentofthemessage,ofwhatIwriteorsay,Iknowthatitiseasier

  • toarticulatecertaincharacteristicsandattributes,butsomethingdifferent

    altogethertoactuallypossessthemandtolivethemout.JustbecauseI

    genuinelyascribetocertainidealsdoesnotnecessarilymeanthatiswho

    Icurrentlyam.

    Furthermore,ifyouideallydesiresomeonemoreexperiencedin

    relationshipsthenthatiscertainlynotme.ThebestanalogythatIcan

    thinkofisthatIwouldbeakintobeinglikethejumbojetairlinepilotthat

    hasloggedamillionvirtualhoursintheflightsimulatorbutnevereven

    flownasingle-engineCessnainreallifebefore.

    AndunlikenearlyeveryotherAsianpersonthatIveeverknown,Idont

    reallycareaboutacademia,highereducationanddonothaveanywork

    orcareerambitionsinlife.Tobehonest,IdontevenlikewhatIdo

    (InformationTechnology)andtomeitisjustapaycheck.IfIcouldget

    paidthesameormoretodoanotherlineofwork,Icouldprobablycare

    lesswhatIdidasajob.

    TheonlythingIwouldreallyhavetoofferyouisthatifwewereableto

    forgethatsortoftrueemotionallinkand/orspiritualconnection,thenI

    knowthatprobablymorethananyotherpersonouttherethatIam

    capableoffeelingmoredeeplyandconnectingmorestronglythan

    anyoneelse.Andifthatsomethingwasthere,Iwouldhavenoqualms

    aboutexpressingit,whetherphysically,emotionally,verballyor

    linguistically.Aslongastheintensitydidnotoverwhelmyou,("excess-

    within-control),thenIknowthatveryfewotherscouldsurpassmy

    capacityforemotionaldepthandempathiclove.ThatiswhatIvealways

    wantedinlifeandwhatIamgoodatandwhatIhavehoned.Iwouldlike

    tobelieve,fromanemotionalandexperientialperspective,thatifyou

    wouldbewillingtogetpasttheinitialfriction,inertiaandfrustrations,etc

    ofmyemotionalflawsandquirksthatdeepbeneathexistssomething

    verysweetandgood,inaverygenuine,immersiveandpervasive

    manner.Morethananything,somethinglikethisiswhatIwant,andIdo

    notthinkIwouldhavewrittentoyouwithwhatIhavewrittenifIdidnot

    trulyfeelthatwecouldsharesomethinglikethisinthatway.

  • Iwasalsobeingveryseriousthatevenifweweremarried,Iwouldnot

    minditifyouexperiencedphysicalpleasurewithothermen.Letme

    elaborateonthispoint.BackinMarch/Aprilwhenyouwrotebacktome

    nearlyeverysingleday,Isomehowhadthedistinctiveimpressionthat

    youwereansweringwhatyouthoughtIwantedtohearratherthan

    beingcompletelyemotionallytruthfulandhonestwithyourself.Although

    Ifeltitwasveryaltruisticofyoutocomeoutandsaythatyouwouldnot

    minditifanylong-distanceguythatyoudatedsawanothergirlorslept

    withanothergirl,Ialwaysintuitivelyfeltthatitwasntwhatyoureally

    wanted.Ithinkyouwerejustputtingthatouttherebecauseyoufeltit

    wasthenoblestancetotake,themostnoblethingtodo,andyouwould

    ratheryourselfbehurtthantoallowyourlovetoturnintoasortof

    selfishness,sotospeak.Ithinkyoumaybehaveforcedyourdesiretobe

    trulyselflessandusedthattohelpoverrideyournaturalinstinctof

    wantingsomeonealltoyourself.MaybeImwrongaboutyouinthat

    regard,butIvealwayshadthishunchthatyouweretryingtopredict

    whatyouthoughtIwantedtohearandatleastsomewhattweakingand/

    ortailoringyouranswersaccordingly.Inanycase,Iknowenoughabout

    thehumanconditionandhowmothernatureandphysicallifereally

    worksthantobeasnaveastotrulybelievethatanygirlcouldtrulybe

    completelysatisfiedwithbeingwithonlyonemanfortherestofher

    entirelife.IfIamwrong,thenletmebewrong,butIwouldneverimpose

    anyrestrictionsofanysort.AndIwouldneveraskanyonethatIwaswith

    todothat(toimposethatsortofself-imposedrestrictiononherself)on

    mybehalfeither.ThereareotherreasonswhyItakethisstance,anditis

    notbecausethereisanythingphysicallywrongwithme,butitis

    somethingIwouldbewillingtoshareifwegottoknoweachother

    better.

    IwantyoutoknowImeanteverythingIsaidinthemessageIsenttoyou

    backonthe18thofSeptember.Ifthisisnotwhatyouwant,orifmore

    pointedlyIamnotwhatyouwant,orsomeonelikemeisnotwhomyou

    arelookingfor,thenIwouldstillliketofinallymeetyouatthe

    PoulsbohemianCoffeehouseorthenearestcoffeeshoptowherethe

    PoulsbohemianCoffeehouseusedtobeifitnolongerexistsin

    approximately30yearsfromnowonFriday,September15,2045

  • at9:00AMlocaltime.IpromiseyouIllbetherethistime.Evenifyou

    dontshowup.AttheveryleastIdliketoknowhowyoudid,ifyouever

    foundhim,andhowitallturnedoutforyou.

    If,however,youfindallofthistobemerelytooincredulouswhich,

    givenhowwestartedIwouldnotblameyouIofferthefollowing

    proposalstoprovetoyoumycompleteauthenticity.(butofcourse,Im

    opentosuggestionsifyouhaveabetteridea)Inessence,Iwouldbe

    willingandIwouldbeableandbeveryhappytomaintainaperfectly

    asymmetricdynamicinwhichwemutuallyagreedthatIalonetookon

    alltheburdenandrisks.Beyondjustthephysicalandfinancialburdens

    (toquotehowyoudescribedthecanceledSeattletripbackinApril)I

    wouldalsobetheonetotakeonanyandallemotionalrisks.

    Forexample,Iwouldalwayscometovisityouratherthantheotherway

    around.Oralternatively,ifyoueverwishedtomeetelsewhere,you

    wouldbetheonetochoosethetime,theplaceandthesetting.Iwould

    neverimposeanythingonyouatanytimeorforanyreason,ifyouwere

    seeinganyoneelseitwouldnotbemyconcernandIwouldcertainlynot

    prynorattempttopersuadeordeteryoufromcontinuingtodoso,etc.

    Ifwetooktripsorvacationstogether,Iwoulddefertoyouwhereyou

    wouldmostliketovisitasopposedtostringingyoualongtoplacesthatI

    feltyouwouldprobablynotbetooexcitedabout(i.e.DisneyWorld,etc).I

    wouldneveraskyoutowritetomeunlessyouactuallywantedtodoso,

    butifyouneverwantedtothedoletterwritingthingagainIwouldnever

    bringitup.Ifweweremarriedandyouwantedtokneeldowntogether

    andbesideoneanotherwithyourhusbandinthebedroominprayerlike

    howsomeChristianwomen/couplesdo,thenIwoulddowhateveryou

    feltwasbest.Iwouldevengooutofmywaytogetacellphoneorsmart

    phone(somethingIsworeofflongago)ifyoufeltthatitwouldmakeit

    moreconvenienttobeabletovideo,talkortext,etc.Andifyougot

    boredortiredofmeatanystageorforanyreason,therewouldbeno

    hardfeelingsandIwouldwantyoutofeelcompletelysafeand

    comfortableenoughtobethattransparentandsoverycandid.

  • Ireallywouldntevenmindifyouoperatedonthebasisofastringof

    contingencies.Forexample,wheneverorwhereveryouwantedtostart,

    orhoweversloworsmallthesteps,ifAwerecontingentonBhappening

    firstandBwascontingentonCandsoonandsoforth,thenwecandoa

    conditional-chainlikethat.Asanexample,Iwouldcometovisityouin

    SEAversusyoucomingtoDFW.Ifthathappenedthewayyouexpected

    andyoufeltsatisfiedthenifwetookatriptogether,Iwouldgowhere

    youwantedtosee(Japan)versussomethingthatyoumightnothavea

    naturalinclinationfor,likeDisneyWorldinOrlando,etc.Andifsomething

    likesuchatripwenthowyouexpectedthenwecouldmoveonto

    somethingelseandsoonandsoforth.

    YoucanholdmetoeverythingIhaveevermentionedorsaidinthis

    letterandtheoneIsentyouonthe18th.IfIeverletyoudownon

    anythingforanyreasonthenyoucouldjustcallthewholethingoffand

    thatwillbethat.Inthismanneryoucouldhedgeyourbetsandkeep

    youroptionsentirelyopenwhilelimitingyourpotentialexposureand/or

    risk.

    Startingnowthisverymoment,Iwanttoprovetoyouthisisnotalltalk.

    ThisistheverylastmessageIwilleversendyou.IfIliedandsentyou

    anythingelseunsolicitedorinanyunreciprocatedmannerafterthisthen

    youwouldknowIwasntbeingserious.Youdonthavetoreplybackor

    confirmonewayoranother.ButIhopeyoudontmindandIhopeyou

    canunderstandgiventhenatureofthismessageanditscontentswhyI

    feltcompelledtodeliverittoyouviamanydifferentmethodsand

    mediums.Butagain,youdonthavetoreplybackorconfirmonewayor

    another.Nomatterwhat,Ihopeyoureallydofindandsustainthe

    happinessthatyouhavealwaysbeenseeking.

    Sincerely,

    Bo

    Monday,September21,2015

  • September1820158:43PM

    Nikki,

    Thesweetest,saddestandmostendearingthinganyonehasevershared

    withmewaswhenyoutoldmethatyouhadalreadymadethedecision

    tobecelibateyourwholelifeifyounevermeetthatkindofpersonthat

    youwantedtobewith.Iknewyouabsolutelymeantit.Whata

    bittersweetandheartbreakingdecision.Butonefilledwithsuchlovely

    highhopes.

    Whileyou'vesaidyoucouldliveindependentlyjustfinewithouta

    husbandtoemotionallysustainyou-andnodoubtI'msureyoucan-I

    don'tthinkthatiswhatyoureallywant.ButIcanunderstandthatyou'd

    ratherhavenothingatallifyoucouldnotfeelcertainthatyoufoundthat

    kindofstrongromanticconnection.

    Perhapsfewpeopledeservesuchaloveassomeonewhoplacedsuch

    importanceonfindingandsustainingthatsortofconnection;agirlwho

    wascommittedtofindingandselectingtherightsomeoneforherforas

    longasshecouldremember.Somethingshelongagopickedasalways

    the"onebestthing"toexperienceinlife.

    Itissoverybeautifulthatyouhavealwaysmaintainedtheunshakeable

    feelingthattherewouldbesomeonewhoyoualwayswantedtobe

    besidesfortherestofyourlife,someoneyouwereextremelyfondof

    andfeltwasaremarkablepersonwhomyouwantedtospendquality

    timewithandtoenjoythatperson'spresencemorethanthatofanyone

    else.Itissoinspirationthatyouexpressedbeingcapableoffeelingthis

    sortofineffableloyaltytothispersoneventhoughyou'veprobablynever

    methimandyoufeltthatpossiblyneverwould.

  • Idon'tknowthatanyonehaseversharedsuchuniqueperspectiveswith

    me.Igrewfonderofyouwitheveryre-readingofyourletters.IthinkI

    finallyrealizedwhy.IthinkIwastooselfishlyobsessedwithwantingthe

    thrillandexhilarationofexchangingheated,intimateandpassionately

    engrossinglettersbackandforthtohavetrulyappreciatedwhatyou

    shared.Imashamedtoadmitbutperhapsthe

    deepestreasonwhyIcanceledbackinAprilwasIfeltifyoucouldntgive

    mewhatIwanted(thrillofletterwriting)Iwouldintentionallyattemptin

    whateverwayIcouldtodepriveyoufromwhatIthoughtyouhadtruly

    wantedaswell.(thepotentialinteractionthatmighthavedeveloped

    fromsuchanin-personvisitation)

    Youoncesharedwithmethatyouwantedtolivealifethatyouhavent

    seenbefore,notonelikeaplottoabookormoviethatyouhadalready

    knewtheendingto.Ivealwaysfeltthesameway,butcomingfroma

    differentperspective.RomanticloveistheoneandonlythingthatIhave

    yettoexperienceinlife.Believeitornot,Iveneverdoneanything,never

    beeninanyrelationship,neverwentoutonadate,neverhadsex,never

    kissedagirlnorevenheldhandswithanyoneinthatway.InasenseI

    guessIendedupsavingthebestforlast,eventhoughitwasnot

    intentionalnorplanned.

    Althoughitwasnotmyintent,Ihaveendedupbeingaloneforthefirst

    threedecadesofmylife.IthinkIsharedwithyouIfeltthattherewas

    reallyonlyabout15to20yearsleftofmylifeuntilIessentiallygot

    basicallyoldandnoneofitevenmattersanymore.Ineverwantedtolive

    to85yearsorolder,IalwaysfeltthatifIcouldjustliveahappylifefullof

    loveandwonderthenevensomethingasshortas50yearswouldhave

    beenmorethanenough.

    Ithinktheworddatingisamisnomer.Ialsoneverlikeditsconnotation

    nordenotation.ThesamewayIneverlikedthewordgoals.Everygirl

    seemstowantaguywhohasgoalsandambitionsinlifeandwhois

    goingsomewherebuttomeithasalwaysbeencompletelyarbitrary

    andmeaningless.Allbackwards.TheonlythingIveeverwantedis

    certaindistinctiveemotionalexperiencesandIfeltthateverythingelse

  • includingeducation,career,money,possessions,etcweremerelyjust

    meanstoanendtoassistinthecreationofsuchinnerworldsandso

    weretheambitionsandgoalsappliedtothem.Notthatthesewerent

    important,buttheymostcertainlywereneverthemostimportant.No

    oneeveraskednortalkedaboutthemostimportantthings.ButIdigress.

    Tomedatingisareductioninuncertainty,thatisallitis.Aprocessof

    knowingforsure,onewayoranother.

    IfIwereevertocomeacrosssomethingreallikethat,morethanjust

    commitmentitwouldalsobeasortofidentification,realizationand

    awakening.TothesortoflifethatIvealwayswantedtolive;something

    Ivebeenwaitingformywholelife.ThefeelingthatIvepurposefully

    stoodonthesidelinesmyentirelifeandnowImfinallyreadytojump

    in...Brimmingwithexcitementandtheheart-poundingsensationandthe

    exhilarationofknowing...itwouldfeelsurrealalmost.Inactuality,Ithinkif

    therealprospectweretoemergeandIfoundandgrabbedholdofthat

    thenmyentirelifewouldinstantlyandpermanentlychange(certainly

    fromaninneremotionalperspective)fortherestofmylifeandIwould

    neverlookbacknoreverbethesameagain.Iwouldcompareittobeing

    likeasortofmetamorphosis,muchlikeacaterpillartransformingintoa

    butterfly.Thefeelingthatallofitisfinallycomingtogetherinmylifeand

    makingsensefortheveryfirsttime.Tofeelfullyactivated,likelifefinally

    beginsfortheveryfirsttime.Andmypreviousobsessionwithsearching

    wouldhaveshiftedgearstowardssustainingthatlove.

    Tome,allIwantthemostinlifeistobeabletoslipintoaspecial

    emotionalandexperientialrealmofexistencethatsortofaliveinner

    worldandtobeabletofeelsostronglyaboutsuchabond,

    understandingorconnection.Toexperiencethatimmersivealiveessence

    ofloveandexistenceandtobeinthatpervasivemomentandtostayin

    thatmoodforeverfortherestofmylife.

  • Likeyou,Ivesearchedforasoulmatetypeofconnectionmyentirelife.

    Butmysearchperhapswasalittlebitmoreanalyticalthanyours.

    Soulmateisactuallyprobablyabitofamisnomeraswell.Iusethetwo

    termsinterchangeablybutIreallymeantwinsoul,theconceptthatthere

    isonlyeveroneotherpersonforeveryoneinexistence.Atanyearlyage

    IwasinspiredbyinitiativessuchasSETI(Searchforextraterrestrial

    intelligence),andotherattemptsatcontactingalienlifelikethePioneer

    plaques,VoyagerGoldenRecords,theWowsignalincident,the

    broadcastoftheArecibomessage,andevenmovieslikeContact(1997

    Americanfilm),etc.Idrewontheirinspirationingenuityinattemptsat

    craftingmyveryownfirstcontactmessageandinattemptsoffinding

    waystofindthatneedleinahaystackandsearchingandlisteningtoany

    signsofherouttheresomewhere.

    ObviouslyIwasneversuccessful,butthroughouttheyearswhenIthink

    backtoallthethingsIhavetried,someofthemnowsoridiculousand

    lame,IrealizedIputineveryeffortthatIcouldandIgaveitmyall.At

    onetime,apremisethatIhad,forexample,IfeltthatifIwasawareof

    theconceptofatwinsoulandifonedidexists,andifsheexistedthen

    shewouldalsohavebeenawareofthesameconcept.Andshetoo

    wouldhavefiguredoutthatifIexistedthenIwouldbeawarethatshe

    wasawarethatIwasawareoftheconcept.ThenIwouldtrytoguess

    howshewouldgoaboutfindingme,andIwouldfindherthatway,andI

    knewthatifshethoughtthesame,shewouldanticipatemymovesand

    thinkonestepahead.SoIoperatedonthepremisethatnotbeingable

    toactuallycontacther,assumingsheexistsandwasintheexactsame

    positionthatIwas,whatwouldbethebestwaytofindeachother?What

    sortofcommongroundcouldweusetocontacteachotherwithoutfirst

    knowinganythingabouteachother?Sufficeittosay,ItrieditallbutI

    neverfoundher.Iattributedtoeithertwinsoulsdontreallyexists,or

    perhapsshelivedanddiedthousandsofyearsbeforemytime,orwas

    yettoevenhavebeenborn,etc.

  • TodayIbelievethatonestwinsoulisactuallytheotherhalfofones

    gender.Regardlessofwhetherornotwearemaleorfemale,both

    genderspossesstracesoftheoppositegender.Maleshavefeminine

    aspectsandwellasfemaleshavesomemasculineaspects.Wearenot

    completelymaleorfemale.Ourtwinsoulissimplytheotherhalfofus,

    oursuppressedgenderthatisdominatedbyourprimarygender.Asfar

    assoulmates,Ibelieveitreallyjustcomesdowntobeingaboutvery

    highlevelofpersonalitycompatibilitythresholds,coupledwiththe

    requisiteluckoffavorablechanceencountersandthenecessary

    componentofqualitytimeinwhichtoformandforgethebondsof

    commitment.

    WithregardstoGod,IbelieveGodissimplytheabsolutetotalityofall

    existence.SoinasenseweareallGod,orrelatives-within-the-absolute

    sub-existingportionsandaspectexpressionsofhim.Wearelikeself-

    similarfragmentsofGodbeingawareofitsmuchlargerself,butallthe

    whilewearestillrelatives-within-the-one-absolute,andallofusare

    absolutelyneeded(everyelementofthetotalityofexistencenomatter

    howsmallortrivial)inorderfortheoneabsolutetobecompleteness

    thatitis.IbelievemycurrentviewsandperspectivesofGod,love,

    TwinsoulsandSoulmatesareallharmoniousandconsistentwithone

    anotherandinfullalignmentwithanalyticalandscientificviewsofreality.

    ButIthinkImfinallydonesearching.IfIbumpintoherserendipitously,

    thenwonderful,ifnot,thenIdontmindbeingalone.

    Imallyours,utterlyandcompletely,ifyouwantme.Inwhatevermanner

    orway,andhoweversloworfast,littleoralot,fleetingorpermanent

    Somepeoplearewillingtogivethemselvesfortheircountry,othersfor

    theircompany,andstillothersmightsurrenderforGodorsomenoble

    cause;butformeIknewthatIwouldonlyeverdoitforanotherperson.I

    wanttogiveupallattemptsatcontrolofmylifeevendowntothevery

    lastdormanttracesandvestigialremnantsandjustdevotemyself

    completelytoonepersonwithabsoluteconviction.Iveneverfound

    anythingoranyoneworthyofthatuntilnow.Thisisnotahypothetical

    propositionoradumbDisneyWorldofferorinvite,thisisallofme,

    everythingandforeverorforaslongasyoustillwantme.

  • Ifyouwantme,therewouldbenothingthatIwouldntbewillingtodo

    foryou.Forexample,IdmovetoSeattle,gotochurchwithyou,even

    listentosoulmusicandeatfriedchickenandwatermelon.Idstandwith

    youundertheAuroraBorealis,smelltheCherryblossomstogether,visit

    theGalpagosIslands,andtakeamazingpicturesofOrcaandother

    animalsandwildlife.Iwouldpickuponyourinterestsandhobbiesand

    assimilatethemasiftheyweremyownastheynaturallygrowonme,

    andthroughyouIwouldinvariablygainamuchfullerandmorevivid

    andmeaningfulunderstanding,appreciationandexperienceinlife.Even

    ifdoingtheexactsamethingorvisitingtheexactsameplaces,Iwould

    gainanewfoundperspective.IwantyouandIwantthiswithyouand

    wanttowanttowantallofthisandmore...somethingnurturing,

    protective,comfortingIknowwithyouIwouldalwaysbealiveandfeel

    alivejusttobeabletosharealloflifesmultifacetedexperienceswith

    you,thegoodandthebad,upsanddowns,allenjoyableand

    memorableintheirownwayIwoulddefertoyouastohowmany

    childrenyouwantandwhenandevensomethinglikebeingastayat

    homefatherforaperiodoftimewouldnotbeoutofthequestion.Even

    thoughInevercaredaboutthingslikethis,Iwouldrespecthowhardyou

    workedforyoureducationandcareerandwouldneveraskthatyou

    makeanysacrificesonthatbehalf.Iknowthatifthisissomethingthat

    youwant,thatwithyou,youwouldhelpmebeorbecomethesortof

    personthatIcouldneverhavebeenonmyowndespiteallmygood

    intentions,andcompelmetowardsthesortofnew,differentand

    interestingexperiencesthatIwouldhavenotstumbleduponbymyself.I

    wouldneverimposeorevenimplyanyartificialorexternallyimposed

    restrictionoranyotherlimitationonyourlife,andIwouldmeanthat

    absolutely.Iwouldneverseemyselfbeingthatsortofjealousor

    possessivehusbandthatdetersorpreventshiswifefromdeveloping

    meaningfulfriendshipsorrapportwithothermen,ortonurtureher

    friendshipsandtospendqualitytimewithherfamilyandgirlfriends,etc.I

    wouldrespectyourspace,howevermuchfreedomyouneeded,

    wheneveryouneededit,andwithoutquestionorexception.Evenifyou

    wantedtogoasfarasexperiencephysicalintimacywithsomeoneelseI

    wouldnotgetinthewayifthattrulymadeyouhappiestoraddedtothe

    fullpalateofyourenjoymentofthisoneandonlylifethatyouhad

  • tolive.Iwouldneverrushyouintoanythingyoudidntwanttodo.You

    oncetoldmethatitmadefordisappointingexperienceswhenyouhad

    toholdbacksofarfromthelinejusttokeeptheotherpersonfrom

    recklesslybargingoverit,regardlessofwhatthatappliedto,asitcan

    applytosomanyotherthingsinlife,IwoulddowhateverIcouldsothat

    youcouldexperiencetheveryoppositeofthatsortofdisappointment.

    Beyondlove,orevenromance,Iwouldthinkwecouldtrulyhelpeach

    otherlivemoremeaningfulandfullerlivesinthepursuitoftrue

    happiness.Justtostartsomethingwonderful,inwhateverformsittakes

    on;andtoextendandexpandthatfortherestofourlives.

  • Monday,November9th2015

    Nikki,

    Doesbeingfinanciallypoorscareorfrightenyou?Youhadmentioned

    thatyougrewupinanenvironmentthatyoufeltwasundesirableand

    knewthatyouonlyhadalimitedamountoftimetomakesomethingout

    ofyourselfandtofitallthemissingpiecesofthepuzzletogetherintothe

    waythatyouwanted.PersonallyI'veneverbeenamaterialisticperson

    andIdon'treallycareaboutthingslikethat.Perhapswhenyou

    mentionedthatsortofinsecurity,maybeitwasmorethanjustbeing

    aboutmoney.

    Inoticedwhenre-readingsomeofyourlettersandmessagesthatyou

    alwayscapitalizedtheword'Time'.Time,liketechnology,isoftena

    double-edgedsword,butIdon'tthinkitisyournemesis,Nikki.Inever

    trulyviewedTimeinanadversarialtypeofwayevenwhenIfeltthatI

    couldberunningoutofit.Andbesides,ifIcouldhypotheticallylivefor

    alleternity,I'mnotquitesurewhatIwoulddowiththatsortofinfinityof

    infinities!Thereisasortof"compressioneffect"inthatthemoreIhaveto

    raceagainsttheclock,themore'alive'everythingfeels.Haveyouever

    heardofthesayingthat"Wateralwaysseeksit'sownlevel"?Perhapsthat

    iswhyI'mjustabigprocrastinatorallthetime,whenIknowIhaveallthe

    timeintheworldIjusttendtopushthingsaside,Ilikedoingthingslast

    minutebecauseittendstobemoreinterestingwhenunderthatsortof

    timepressure.ItendtoviewtheraceagainstTimeasachallengenota

    nemesis.

    IfIcouldonlyhaveonethinginlife,itwouldbelove,butithasnothing

    todowithTime.Itfeelsmorelikemakinga'timeless'decisionorchoice,

    aselectionindependentofallotherexternalvariablesandfactors;

    somethingthatIwouldstillhaveendedupchoosingregardlessof

    whetherornotIcouldliveforonlyonemorehour,orforanother100+

    years.ButIlikewhatyousharedaboutplacingsuchanimportanceon

    loveandselectingtherightsignificantother,becauseyouseemedto

    haveexpressedthatwhenpushcomestoshoveandyoufeellikeyou

  • haveranoutoftime,whenyourealizeyoucan'tgetallthepiecesofthe

    puzzletofit,thatyou'dgrabholdontothatsortofloveandthatitwould

    beenough.Thatisabeautifulwayoflookingatit.

    Nottosoundflippantnortotrivializeanything,butfromabiggest

    pictureperspectiveI'vealwaysfeltthatTime,likemoney,islargely

    irrelevant.Moneyisjustanumber,onecanalwaysmakemoremoney,

    andstrangelyenough,duetowhatIcoinedthe"compressioneffect"one

    couldalsoinaway'makemoreTime'.(withouttheuseofaTime

    Machine)Underveryrareanduniquecircumstancesitispossibleforone

    toexperiencemoreinonesingleperfectdaythanawholeentiretypical

    year,oreveninsomecasesanentirenaturallifetime!

    I'vealwaysfeltitwasaboutLove.ThoughI'venevercompletely

    understoodwhatLovereallyis.Maybethatisbecausemaintaining

    objectivitywhilebeinginloveisimpossibleandthetwoaremutually

    exclusive.Itisnotpossibletobesubjectivelyinloveandyetstillstay

    objectivelyinthebiggestpicture,viceversa.Forexample,youoncetold

    meaboutthemanthatyouthoughtyoumighthavefalleninlovewith

    whenyouwereyounger.Iknowitdidn't'workoutandI'mverysorrythat

    hedecidedtoleaveyou,andIknowyoudon'tlikehypotheticals,but

    couldn'tforjustonemomentyouallowyourselftoconceivablyimagine

    thathadheactuallywantedyouinthatwayandforever,thatyoumight

    haveactuallyfallencompletelyinlovewithhim,lovedhiminthatway,

    andopenedyourselfandfullycommittedyourself?Ifhehadwantedyou

    backthen,itispossibleitcouldhaveworkedoutperfectlyforthetwoof

    youandyoucouldhaveendedupwithhimandlivedoutsuchhappily

    everafter,right?Ithinkwhatmayhavehurtyouthemostisthatwhen

    youfelttherewaspotentiallikethatisthatitwasindeedhis'choice'that

    actuallyrobbedyoufromtheveryrealpossibilityandtangiblechance

    andpotentialoffallinginloveandtrulylovinghimandbeingloved

    backedbyhim.

  • Fromwhatlittleyousharedwithme,itseemedlikeyouwereinthe

    processoffallinginlovewithhim.Whetherornotyou'accepted'his

    decisiondoesn'treallychangeanything,andlikelywouldn'thave

    changedanything.Anddespitethewayyouphrasedit,Ican'timagine

    thatyouwouldn'thavebeendeeplyhurtbyhisdecision.

    Butdoyoueverwonderifonlyyouhadmaybeexpressedyourselfbetter

    tohim,inwhateverwayhewasmostreceptiveto,thathewouldhave

    seentherealyouandbeenalluredandcaptivatedbythat?Youtoldme

    oncethatyouconsideredyourself"prettytoughatwork"andthatthe

    wayyouhadwrittentomewasjustyour"softerside".I'dliketobelieve

    thatyouaresomeone"soft"whooutofnecessityhastobetoughat

    work,ratherthantheotherwayaround,aself-proclaimedtoughperson

    whoonlyshowshersoftnesseverynowandthenandeventhenonly

    everunderthemostidealorperfectofcircumstances.

    WhereIcurrentlywork,thebossthatIworkforisabonafide"company

    man".Don'tgetmewrong,heisagoodpersonandIlikehim,butI

    wouldneverwanttoenduplikehim.Heis50yearsold,about20years

    mysenior,andhasnevergottenmarriednordoeshehaveanykidsor

    family.Tomethatseemslikesuchawastedlife.Itisonethingifhewas

    searchingforhissoulmateandneverfoundher,butthatisnotwhoheis,

    heisjustsotrappedinhisworkthatnothingelseseemstomatter.Itold

    himsincehehassomuchmoneysavedup,hecouldquithisjob,finda

    lovelywomanandjusttraveltheworldgettinglostinlovewithone

    anotherandhegavemealooklikeIwasinsaneandcompletelyoutof

    mymind.

    SomeoftheconsultantsthatI'veinterfacedwithatworkhaveaneven

    morecynicalviewonlove.Forexampleinoneinstance,thereisthis50+

    yearoldmanwhosharedwithmethereasonheneverpulledthetrigger

    andnevergotmarriedwasbecausehewasafraidnotonlyofemotional

    commitmentbutmoreorlessthathedidn'tliketheprospectofdivorce

    andhavingtosplitinhalfallofhisassets...andothercraplikethat.To

    methatisjustthecraziestreasonnottogetmarried.Suretherearebad

    womenoutthere,butyoucantellfromthewayhedescribedit

  • thathederiveshislife'sentireworthbaseduponhowmuchmoneyhe

    hassavedinabank,anumber.Hetoldmeabouthowheissavingupa

    sizablenestforwhenheretiresandI'mthinkinghowsadandlostapoor

    soulishe.

    Evenyoungermendostupidthings.Youknowthetypeofguywhohas

    agirlfriendorwifeandmaybeevenhasexperiencedtruelovewithher,

    butstilldecidesthatsomehowitisn'tenough,itisn'tallthathewants

    andthenupsandgoestoputhimselfindangeroussituationslikeriding

    amotorcycleorsigninguptoenlistinthearmedforces,etc...juststupid

    uselesswasteoftimethingslikethat.IknewthenandtherethatIwould

    neverputmyselfinanypositionwhereIwouldbeforcedtodecide.

    Thereisnodecision,everysingletimeromanticlovetriumphsall.

    Inthemoviethe"K-19:TheWidowmaker"(basedontruestory)this

    youngRussiansoldierwhowasengagedtobemarriedknowinglygoes

    intotheradiationchambersofthenuclearsubmarinetohelpfixaleak,

    knowingthathedidnotwearradiationsuits(nonewereonboard)and

    thathewouldendupdeadastheresult.Ifhetrulylovedher,whywould

    hedothistoher?IfIwasinhisposition,Iwouldrathereveryoneelseon

    thatshipdiebeforeIwouldsacrificemylifeandhurtherinthatway.Yes

    thisisextremelyselfish,andIknowitisahugeturnoffforwomen

    becauseitputstoomuchpressureonthem,andbecausethey

    themselvesarenotthatselfishandthuswouldnotwantaguytogoto

    suchlengthsforher,butitisalwayshowI'vefeltandwhoIamandIcan

    nolongerescapefromthattruth.IcanonlybetruetomyselfandwhatI

    wantandhowIfeelandhopemaybesomedayI'llcomeacrosssomeone

    whofeelsthesamewayoratleastabletoacceptthataboutme.

    I'mnotnaive,Iknowthewaytheworldworks.Iknowwhatitisallabout,

    Iseethebiggestpicture.I'vealwaysfeltthatonlybyknowingeverything

    couldIhavethetruefreedomtochoosewhatIreallywant.Ifeltthisway

    whenIwas10,sameatage20,andnowI'm30.Idoubtitwillbeany

    differentatage50or60.

  • Oryouhearstoriesofyoungcoupleswhoreallyloveeachotherbutdue

    toreligious,culturalorfamilialdifferencestheyhadtosacrificethatlove

    andcouldn'tenduptogether.Btw,thisisacommonthemeinromance

    moviesandlovenovels.RomeoandJulietcomestomind.Or"Becoming

    Jane".EvenwhenIwasyounger,whenreadingthesebooksorwatching

    thosetypesoffilms,Iwouldalwayswishtogetinvolvedwiththe

    charactersandjusttotelleveryonetosnapoutofit,Iwantedtoshare

    myinsightwiththemandpreventsuchtragediesfromevertakingplace.

    Iwantedtoshowthemmyuniqueperspective.IknewthatifIwasthe

    guy,Iwouldnevergiveuponher,nomatterwhat.That'God'himself

    couldnotgetintheway.ThatwhenpushcomestoshoveIwould

    sacrifice(ifitwasuptome)theentireworldandindeedallofexistence

    justforher.

    AndperhapsthatispartiallywhyIneverfoundsuchaconnection.Not

    becauseIbelieveGodexistsandthatI'mbeingpunishedformy

    stubbornness,butbecauseironicallybygoingafteritsodirectlyandso

    intenselyitactuallybackfiredonme.Theotherpartofmerealizesthat

    romanticlovemaybedoesnotactuallytriumphall.Thatthereare

    sometimeswhenevensuchatrueandperfectlovemaynotbeenough.

    Andthatitmaybenecessaryorunpreventabletoneedtosacrificeyour

    ownhappinessandthehappinessofeventheonesignificantotherthat

    youtrulyloveforthatofthegreatergood.

    Youknowthefunniestthingofall?EversinceIwasakid,eversinceI

    couldremember,I'vedoneeverythingpossibletonotputmyselfinthose

    situationsandithaslargelyallbeenfornothing.

    I'veneverfoundher,I'veneverevenbeeninarelationshipandI'venever

    beeninlove.Iusedtolookdownonpeoplewhosacrificedloveforwork,

    survival,religion,patriotism,money,children,parents,etcetcetcetcetc;

    Isecretlysnickeredatallofthem,thinkingtomyselfthatIwassomuch

    better,andfeelingveryelite/superioraboutit,thatIhadtherareinsight

    andcouragetogoafterexactlywhatitwasthatItrulywantedthemost

    andthatIwouldneverletanythingnoranyonegetintheway

  • orstopme.Butaheckofalotofgoodthatdidme?

    ThatiswhyIneverbecameapilot,Iwouldhatetheconstanttraveling

    anditjustwasn'tforme,nomatterhowmuchIlovedtheideaofflying.

    Youknowthereisasayingthat"IT"means"Itried";Information

    Technologyistheonlysector/industry(thatIknowofanyway)thatyou

    canslackoff,surfthewebhalfthetimeandstillgetpaidrelativelygood

    moneytodoso.

    ItisalsowhyIquittheMarinesmyfirstdayinbootcamp.Granted,Iwas

    only19or20backthenandwasstillopenminded,butthatwasa

    learningexperienceandIquicklyknewthatevenifInevermetagirland

    remainedsinglemywholeentirelife,Istilldidn'twanttogiveupthat

    merehopeandpossibility,nomatterhowremote,forthesakeofa

    countryornationthatwouldneverandcouldneverlovemebackinthat

    way.Itisjustneverworthit,whattheymakeonegive.Onlypeoplewho

    don'ttrulyvaluetheirlifewouldsacrificeitforasocialabstractionthat

    couldneverlovethemback.

    ItisalsowhyIonlyhaveaBSdegreeandneverwentforanythinglikea

    MasterswheneveryotherChinese"BoChen"thatIknowofhasaPhDor

    more.Ipurposefullyandintentionallyavoidedallofthat,muchtothe

    chagrinofmyparents.

    PartofthereasonwhyI'veavoidedreligionisbecauseI'vealwaysput

    romanticloveabove"God".AndIdidn'tlikeitthatGodwoulddemand

    thatIlovehimfirstandforemost,thatIlovehimbest,andthatIwould

    havetorankmyloveforherandputhersecondplace.Iwantednothing

    todowithhimbecauseofhisselfishnessinthatregard.(nottomention

    heisn'tevenrealanddoesn'tactuallyexists!)

    ItisalsowhyI'veneverdidanythingwithagirl.SureI'mphysically

    unattractive,butfaruglierguyshavehadsexordoneotherphysical

    thingswithgirlsbefore.Andhonestlyitsnotdifficulttofindagirlwilling

    tohavesex.

  • ItisalsowhyI'veneverdidanythingwithagirl.SureI'mphysically

    unattractive,butfaruglierguyshavehadsexordoneotherphysical

    thingswithgirlsbefore.Andhonestlyitsnotdifficulttofindagirlwilling

    tohavesex.

    Idideverythingrightbutstilldidn'tendupwithanything.

    ButIcantrulysaythatIhavenoregrets.

    -Bo

    P.S.-Nowyouknowtherealme.I'veneversharedallofthiswith

    anyoneelsebefore.Notevenwithmyownparentsormybrother.HadI

    sharedallofthiswithyoubackinAprilwouldyoustillhavebeenhurtor

    offendedbymyuseofthephrase"wasteoftime"?Myoffertoyoustill

    standsanditalwayswill,IdoubtI'lleverendupwithanyoneandI'm

    okaywiththat.Ifyoueverwantedme(outofyourownvolition,evenifit

    isbecauseyoucouldn'tfindhimintime)Iwouldbeabsolutelywillingto

    makethecommitmenttogiveuptheaforementionedcompulsionsfor

    you.Iknowmyselfwellenoughtoknowthatintensitywillnevergoaway,

    itwouldmerelybechanneledortransferred.ItiswhoIam,andevenifit

    meansnotgettingwhatIwant,Idon'tregretorresentthat.

  • Fri11/6/20156:49AM

    -----BEGINPGPSIGNEDMESSAGE-----

    Hash:SHA1

    HelloNikki,

    AfterwhathappenedwithProtonmaillately,Ihaveforthetimebeing

    migratedbacktoStartMail.Toprovethatitisreallystill"me"I'vesent

    youthismessagebypiggybackingonareply/correspondencethatwe

    hadinMarch.Additionally,asalreadymentioned,I'lltakeaPolaroid

    selfiewhileholdingupsomethingthatproveswhenthephotowastaken,

    alongwiththePGPkeyIDandPGPfingerprintinscribedonthebackof

    thephoto.Iwilldigitallysign(viaPGP)everymessageIsendtoyoufrom

    nowon,whetheritisviaemailoronPenPalWorld,etc.

    HaveyoueverreadtheNicholasSparknovel"AWalktoRemember"?It

    isprobablymymostfavoriteromancestoryofalltime.Youremindmeof

    thefemalecharacterinthatbook.WhenIfirstreaditnearlytenyears

    ago,Idistinctivelyrememberthinkinghowcoolitwouldbetomeet

    someonelikeherinreallife,justtoknowthatsheactuallyexisted,etc.

    ThoughIsupposeIcouldbeverywrong,butIfeelthatthetwoofyou

    seemverymuchalike,andIhopeyouaren'toffendedbymycomparing

    youtoafictionalcharacter,itisreallymeantverymuchasacompliment.

    WhenI'mreadyI'llsendthebooktoyouviaUSPSwithtracking(don't

    worryI'mnotgoingtoshiptriple-redundantlyanymore!)andI'llinclude

    thePolaroidphotowithinthesamepackage,bookmarkedtomyfavorite

    partofthenovel.Howisthatforaccomplishingtwothingsinonetask!

    AboutVictoriaSecrets...BackinMarchIshouldneverhavesentyouan

    egiftcardinsuchasarcasticand/orjokinglymanner,Irealizeitwaslame,

    flaky,andperhapsevencouldcomeacrossasabitmeanspiritedor

    hurtful.Honestly,Idon'tevenlikeVictoriaSecrets,itdoesn'treallyfitmy

    aestheticstyleorpreference.Ilikejuliannaraemuchbetter,andIwantto

    doitproperlythistimeandgetyoutheaptlynamed"PerfectIndulgence

  • SilkGown"inpurpleasagift.Idon'tevenknowyoursize,soI'lljusttake

    aguessandifitdoesn'tfityoucancontactthemdirectlyandI'msurethe

    folksatjuliannaraewillbeabletogetitsortedoutforyou.

    I'vealreadymadethedecisionandcommitmenttocometoSeattleon

    Jan-2-2016andApril-23-2016and09-15-2045ifI'mstillaliveandthe

    worldstillexistsbythen,LMAO.I'mnotevensureifthecoffeeshopis

    evenopenonJanuary2ndbutifisn'titdoesn'tmatterevenifitisclosed,

    I'llprobablybookarentalhomebythebayonFrontstreetonAirbnb

    andI'lltakeastrollorwalkaroundthatmorning.Therearealotofthings

    Ididn'tevengetachancetodoinSeattlebackwhenIvisitedaround

    September.SoIwouldn'tconsideritawastedtripbyanymeans.

    MyfavoriteChristmasmovieofrecenttimeis"ThePolarExpress"[2004].

    Haveyouseenit?Ifnot,I'llgetyouablu-raycopyofitfromonAmazon

    intimefortheChristmasholidays!Evenifyouhavealreadyseenit,you

    shouldwatchitagain!Themovieisactuallyamessagetoadultswhile

    masqueradingassomethingforthekids!Theblackgirl"HeroGirl"

    remindsmeofyou,whileIseemyselfidentifyingwithallthreeofthe

    malekidcharacters,HeroBoy(cynicalunbeliever),LonelyBoy,Billy

    (detachedinvolvement,vicariousempathy,etc)andalsowiththat

    pompous,pretentious,"KnowitAll"geekkid.

    Aspromised,I'llgetyoutheCanonEF100-400mmf/4.5-5.6LISIIUSM

    LensasaChristmaspresent,andifyoucan'tacceptit,thatisperfectly

    okay,itwon'thurtmyfeelings.Perhapsmaybeyoualreadygotazoom

    ortelephotolenses,ormaybeyouwouldrathernotacceptanygiftsfrom

    someonesuchasmyself,butinanycase,I'mdoingitforyou,notforme.

  • Andsolastly,Iwanttoclosethismessagewiththefollowing:Inskydiving

    terminologythereissomethingcalledanAAD(Automaticactivation

    device)whichitdeploystheparachuteforyouautomaticallyatlow

    altitudeifforwhateverreasonincaseyouforget.Itisnotanideal

    situationbecauseitonlyopensatverylowaltitudes,whenitknowsfor

    surethatitisjustabouttoapproachthemomentofnoreturn.While

    AADcansavelives,itsactivationisverydangerousbecauseatsuchlow

    heightsthereisn'tanytimeifanythingelsegoeswrong,butthereasonit

    isnotsettoanyhigheraltitudeisbecauseotherwiseitwould

    prematurelygetintheway(somepeopleliketocutitclose).Kindoflike

    anairbagsettingoffwhenyoubumpthecaraheadofyouatagentle

    2mphanddoingmoreactualharmthangood.Whenyouwrotetome

    backinMarch/Aprilandtoldmethatifyouneverfound'him'or

    someonesospecial,thatyouwouldbe'okay'withbeingalone/single/

    unmarried/virginyourentirelife,Ididn'trealizeitthenbutIwantedto

    saythatI'msureyouwillfindsomeoneperfectforyou,andthatIreally

    didn'tthinkyouhadtoevenworryaboutsomethinglikethat,butalso

    thatasaworstcasecontingency,Iwouldofferthatwhetheritisayear,

    fiveyears,tenyearsorhalfalifetimefromnow,ifyouneverdidfind

    someonelikethat,youalwayshadatleastoneoptionoflastresort(as

    un-idealisticasitmaybe)andthatyoucancontactmeatanytime,as

    longasIhadn'tfoundwhatIwaslookingfor,Icouldbethatforyou,ifit

    makesanysense.AndthatIwouldneverleaveyou,norabandonyou,

    norforsakeyou.Youneverhavetoliveyourentirelifealone,anyway

    thatiswhatIwantedtotellyou.

    --Bo

    KeyID:66559D3B/0xD80BA46D66559D3B

    Fingerprint:8DA39238EA06099BCAFFA1DCD80BA46D66559D3B

    http://pgp.mit.edu/pks/lookup?op=get&search=0xD80BA46D66559D3B

  • Nikki,

    YoumayfindithardtobelievebutnotmeetingyoubackinAprilis

    probablyoneofthegreatestregretsI'veeverhadinmylifesofar

    thoughperhapsnotforthereasonsyoumightthink.I'msorryIdidn't

    havethepatiencenorselflessnesstohelpyouwiththedifficultiesof

    expressingyourself.Youeventoldmethatwhatyoureallylackedwas

    theabilitytofeelsafeenoughtoexposethatkindofvulnerability,and

    howmostofyourencountershaveendedindisappointment,despite

    wellintentions.Aswithcommitment,Ialsohaveasomewhatdifferent

    viewontrust,butIcandefinitelyunderstandandrelatetowhereyouare

    comingfrom.Anythingeasilygiventendstobenotasvalued,beingable

    toearnthetrustofsomeonelikeyouwouldhavebeenimmensely

    meaningfultome.Evenifallweeverdidwaswritetoeachother,Iknow

    wecouldhavecontinuedinsharingsuchpersonalcollisionsandthatit

    wouldhavelikelybeenfundamentallyvaluabletoyou,notonlyinterms

    ofseeinglifethroughadifferentperspectivebutalsotobetruly

    impactedandchangedbyit.Itwouldhavebeenagreatprivilegeforme

    tohelpyouopenupandtosharesuchamutuallynurturingfriendship.I

    knowitwouldhavemademegenuinelyhappiertohaveselflesslygiven

    youwhatyoureallywantedandwhatyouneededratherthantohave

    foolishlychasedafterandsonarrowmindedlypursuedwhatIthoughtI

    wantedtoseeandwhatwasprobablynevereventhere.Iusedtothink

    thatifIhadfeltthatIlikedyoutoomuchIwouldhavecontrolissuesand

    inevitablytrytochangeyouI'verealizednowthatthewholepointof

    havingsuchinteractionsistobechangedbyit,thoughnotthekindof

    changethatiscontrollingbutthesortofchangethathelpssomeonebe

    orbecomethetypeofpersonwhomthey'vealwayswishedandintended

    tobeandthatwhileinthesameprocessIwouldalsohavebeen

    changedbyyouinwaysIcouldnothavepredicted.Hadwemettodayin

    personfacetofacethisiswhatIwouldhavesaidtoyou.Iknowitisalittle

    late,butHappyBirthdayNikki.

  • Nikki,

    Nottosoundconceited,butI'vealwayswonderedifIhadonlyone

    chancetowriteonlyoneletter,andIhadtowritethatoneletterthat

    essentiallysaiditall,andIdomeanALLofit,whatwoulditbelike?I

    don'tthinkitispossible,butifanyonecouldpullitoff,itwouldbe'me'!

    Pleasedon'trespond,youdon'tevenhavetoreadit.Butconsideritmy

    gifttoyou.Itiscompletelyuptoyouwhetherornotyouwishtoaccept

    (read)it.Thisonehasabsolutelyzeromonetaryvalue.Butitdidtakeme

    essentiallythewholeweekendtoponderandthentypeitout,plusIhad

    todrawuponinsightsthatI'vethoughtaboutanddevelopedmyentire

    life.Unlikegiftcardsandpackagesthatmadeyouveryuncomfortable,I

    hopeyouwouldactuallyenjoyingreadingitandthatitmightinsome

    smallandindirectwayhelpyoufindthevagueandgeneralhappiness

    thatyouhavebeenalwayssearchingfor...perhapsbygivingyoua

    differentinsightandperspectiveandperhapsalsoasamereframeof

    referencefromwhichyoucansolidifyandbuildyourownuniqueinner

    existence.Ididn'teditthisforspelling,grammar,syntax,thiswasadirect

    streamofconsciousness.

    Inmymind,itisalsohopefullymywayofsayingsorryandmakingitup

    toyou.Ithoughtaboutwaitinguntiltheendoftheyeartosenditin

    hopesthatyoumightbemorereceptivetoitatthattime,butthenI

    thoughtagainstit.Nowisasgoodatimeasever.Einsteinoncesaidthat

    "Noproblemcanbesolvedfromthesamelevelofconsciousnessthat

    createdit.",soratherthangiveyouacheesyapology,I'dpreferto

    apologizebyshowingyouthatIhadnothingtoapologyforinthefirst

    placeandthatwhateveryoufelt,whetherhurt,offended,disappointed,

    uncomfortable,intimidated,etcwasentirelymisplaced.I'mnotwritingto

    youanymore,thisismyfinalletter.Verysimply,Idon'tthinkI'lleverbe

    abletotopthis,becausethisisit.Thisisreallyit.NootherletterI'llever

    writetoanyoneoreventomyselfwillbestthisone.Nottobragbutthis

    isprobablythebestletterwritteninallofmankind!(esp.consideringI

    thinkweasaglobalcivilizationisonamathematicalcertaintyofa

    permanenttechnologicalandeconomicdecline)

  • Haveyoueverwonderedwhoyouare?Notasinwhatisyourname,

    race,genderorage,butwhoyoureallyaredeepdowninyourcore

    essenceasapersonandasahumanbeing?ItissomethingI'veoften

    thoughtaboutandreflectedupon.I'vecometotheconclusionthat

    ultimatelyweeachdefineourselvesbasedonourownconceptof

    selfidentity.Wearewhowebelieveweare.Yes,Iknowthatisverymuch

    selfreferentialandatadbittooabstracttobetrulyuseful,butIdothink

    intentionalitymattersanditallboilsdowntoourownperceptionof

    realityandalsoourindividualplacewithinit.Howwegoabout

    discoveringorcreatingwhoweareisadifferentmatteraltogether

    though.

    Iwouldverymuchliketobelievethatdeepdownwhatmakesusunique

    isourindividualsubjectiveperspectivesandbeliefsinlifeandof

    existence.Ourspecialanddistinctivewayofseeingtheworldmakesus

    bothwhoweareandwhowecanbecome.Thisisperhapsmore

    valuableandmuchmoresoofameaningfuldistinctionofindividual

    identitythanotherfactorslikeourage,orwherewewereborn,orour

    ethnicityorheightorincomeoranynumberofotherexternal

    characteristicsandanalyticaloverlays.Ironically,whatwetypicallythinkof

    asidentifyinginformationsuchassocialsecuritynumbers,telephone

    numbers,streetaddresses,etcaremerelytagsandlabelsthatalbeit

    providesomemeasureofadministrativeconveniencetohelpfacilitate

    theexistenceoflargesocietiesatscale,theydonothingtoactually

    describe,discernordelineatethecorecharacteristicsofaperson.Itisthe

    singularirreducibleessenceofsomeonethatifremovedtheywouldno

    longerbewhotheyoncewereandwouldlosewhatmakesthemspecial.

    Peopleinwitnessprotectionprogramswhoareforcedtochangetheir

    names,addresses,IDs,etchaven'tlosttheirsoul,butsadlythesame

    couldn'tbesaidofpatientswhosufferfromAlzheimer'sorother

    memoryoridentityrelatedillnessesordiseases.

  • Loveisthestrongestbond,especiallythesortofdyadicinterpersonal

    romanticlovethatexistsbetweentwopeople,becauseitisthemost

    direct,mostrawandmostfocused.Intermsofcoreidentityitgoes

    straighttotheessenceofwhatmakesapersonwhosheis,piercing

    throughalltheothervanities,attachments,selfdelusionsandsuperfluous

    thingsinlife.Youseemtohavealreadyfiguredthatoutbyyourselfand

    onanintuitivelevelbycomingtobothanemotionaltermswithandby

    thementalexploratorydiscoveryofwhatyouwantthemostoutoflife...

    butIthinkthereisaverysoundobjectivescientificreasonandlogical

    rationalebehindwhyloveisindeedthemostpowerfulforceinlife.Love

    istheultimateconvergence.

    Inlife,mostpeopletakeonmultifacetedidentities,titlesandroles.

    Someonecouldbeanemployee,ahusband,afather,afriend,ason,a

    citizen,asoldier,ahostorguest,acustomer,andmanyotherthingsto

    manydifferentpeople,forexample.Sure,theseidentitiesarenot

    mutuallyexclusiveandtheycouldhavesomeoverlap,butwhenpush

    comestoshove(intimesofinternalorexternalconflictwhenlifethrows

    acurveballatyou,etc)whichonesdowecastofffirstandwhichonesdo

    wealwayskeepuntiltheveryend?Whenconflictsariseandwehaveto

    decidewhattrulymattersthemost,whichdowetendtofirst?Loveisthe

    onlylabel,theonlyemotionandtheonly'identity'thatiscapableof

    transcendingallothertitles,roles,tags,labelsandanalyticaloverlaysand

    overcomingallotherboundariesandlimitations.(Noonewouldpursuea

    careerattheexpenseoflove,unlesshewasstupid,becauseacareerisa

    meanstoanend,nottheendandabstractionssuchascorporate

    institutionsarewhollyincapableoflovinganyonebackonanylevel,

    muchlesspersonallevel.)Thisiswhyloveissovaluableandsopowerful.

    Itisthemostdirectconnection,themostintimatecollision,themost

    intenselyandnarrowlyfocusedanddenselyconcentratedessenceof

    being.Itisthemost'real'.Inessence,loveisthesingle'mostbest',most

    nobleandmoststraightforwardasymmetricstrategytoobtainingthe

    highestformofhappinessinlifeanditisalsothegluethatcohesively

    andcoherentlyholdsitalltogetherforaslongaspossibleorthelongest

    timepossible.Likeyouoncesaid,alifewithoutloveismeaningless....

    becauseloveiswhatgiveseverythingelseinlifemeaning.Onedoesn't

  • evenhavetochoosebetweenthefalsedichotomyoffollowingtheheart

    orthebrain,becauseloveisbothemotionallyandlogicallythebest

    optimizedandmostefficientroutetomaximizinghappiness.

    Haveyoueverthought"whyme"?Haveyoueverexperiencedthe

    sensationofbeingpureconsciousnessdevoidofallotheridentitiesand

    attachments?I'vefeltthatonoccasion.Sometimesintheverybrief

    fractionofamomentwhenI'vejustbarelywokeup,beforemybrainhas

    hadtimetodownloadmypasthistory,pastmemoriesandother

    identifiers(name,gender,race,personalitycharacteristicand

    predilections,etc)Iexistsmomentarilyinastateofrawdirect

    consciousness,asortofexistentialawareness.NotknowingwhereIam,

    whenIam,orwhoIam.Iaminthatmomentlikeanemptyvesseljust

    takinginrawunfilteredlifeandabsoluterealityasitis.Allemotionsand

    experiencesbeingequallyvalid,new,andfresh.Thatisperhapsthe

    closesttotruefreedomorliberationthatI'veeverfelt.Justtoexists,and

    perceiveandbe...withoutthemindorbodyoregoorotherlimiting

    factors,restrictivebeliefs,language,thought,etcgettinginthewayor

    holdingthemomentback.IrealizethatwhenIlosetheidentityofwhatI

    haveknowntobe"me"or"I"andthentakeonthenewunfettered

    identityaspureconsciousnessandawarenessthatsuddenlyIam

    strippedtotheverycoreandhavecastasideeverythingelsethatwould

    havemade"me"uniqueanddistinctfromyouoranyandeveryother

    personintheworld,andinthatstateofbeing"I"existsonlyasthepure

    rawconsciousnessanddirectawarenessthat/whichisalsotheexact

    same"I"attheverycenterofeverylivingpersonandallbeings.(some

    Easternphilosophieshavecalledthis'nonduality',othershavecalledit

    Christ,Godorthe'Godhead',andstillothershavereferredtoitaswhat

    Buddhameantwhenhesaid"theselfremovedfromallattachments",

    whilethescientificcommunityisknownas"qualia",orthe'hard

    problemofconsciousness'orthe'ghostinthemachine'....butarosebyany

    othernameisstillthesameright?)

  • WhenIwasfiveyearsoldIwasfirstpuzzledbythe"whyme"question.I

    wonderedwhywasn'tIbornintosomeotherperson'sbody(oreven

    someanimalorinsectforthatmatter!)insteadofbeingencapsulatedin

    myveryownbody?Whytheseparticularparentsandwhythisparticular

    family?Whythiseraandnotinthedistancepastorwayfuture?Orbetter

    yet,whytherewasn'tsomeotherpersoninmybody(someother

    selfidentityofadifferent/other"I/me"thatoccupiedmyphysicalbody)

    andthatthe"me"of"me"wouldneverhavetoexistsatall,because

    someoneelsewouldtaketheplaceof"me"inwhatwas'my'bodyand

    therewouldbeno"I"leftovertoasksuchaquestion!Basically,whydid

    "I"orthenotionofaselfawareness"meidentity"havetoevenhaveever

    existedatall!?!Thisisnotthesameasaskingwhymyphysicalbodywas

    born,I'mreallyaskingwhythenotionofa(my)selfaware"I"got

    implantedintothisparticularphysicalbodyatall,andnotsomeother"I"

    sothat(me)"I"didn'thavetoexistsatall!ThenIwondered,did

    EVERYONEfeelthiswayaboutthemselvesandperhapsweallaskedthis

    samequestionandponderedonthisdeepmystery?Maybetherewasno

    separationbetweenbodyandmindandthenotionofaspecialnessor

    uniquenessofselfawarenesswasmerelyjustanemotionalillusionmuch

    likehowfreewillisanillusionandweonly'feel'thatwehavefreedomof

    choicewheninfacteverythingispredetermined?Or....Perhapsour

    selfidentitieswerelikeisolatedislandseachmaroonedonaparallel

    universeormentaldimensionofitsown!Ifonlywecouldallformasort

    ofcollectivepsychicneuralconnectionthenwe'dknowforsure!Maybe

    therewasonlyeveroneultimate"I"thatwassplitintoalltheindividual

    subjective"I"s?Ithenspeculatedthatinorderfortheultimate"I"toknow

    itselfortoenjoyitselfithadtobreakupintoinfinitelittlepiecesand

    becomeallthesmallersubjectiveindividual"I"sthatplayedthispretend

    gamecalledlifeinordersothattheultimate"I"couldexperienceinfinite

    varietyininfinitecombinations.Iimaginedthatmaybeitisthenatureof

    realitytoplaythese'pretend'gameswithitself,andthatthisultimate"I"

    wasplayingpretendwithitselfas(intheformof)allthesepeople

    (includingme)thatdidn'treallyknowwhattheheckwasgoingonand

    wasn'tlet"inonthesecret",justlikethewaythatIwasplaying(inavery

    selfsimilarfashion)pretendgameswithmyselfbyconjuringupallthese

    wishingthinkingdreamsandwantingtoenjoyitbetterbyforgetting

  • thatIwasevenpretendingandpretendingthatIwasnotpretending!

    Andintheultimateanalysis,attheveryend,itwouldbeallrevealedfor

    whatitwas,whenduringthefinalsummationprocess"we"arealljoined

    backandconvergebackintotheoneinitialsourcethatstarteditall?The

    oneandonlyultimate"I"?Thealphaandtheomega,thelionandthe

    lamb?

    Thatisaninterestingspeculationbecauseironicallyasakidthatwas

    exactlywhatIhadalwaysimaginedwhengiventheopportunityto

    daydreamtomyheart'scontent.Rememberwhenyousharedwithme

    thatwhenyouwereakidyoudaydreamedaboutjumpingfromperfect

    momenttoperfectmoment?Iknowexactlywhatyoumeantwhenyou

    remarkedthatyoustillwantedtoretainyourcurrentlifeanddefault

    identity,tohaveyourcakeandeatittoo.ButItookitonestepfurther.

    Toitsnextlogicalandfinalconclusion....Iwonderedinadditiontobeing

    "me"thathadallthesepowerstocontrolmyexperiencesandshape

    realityandtobeanywhereandexperienceanythingandatanytime,

    whatifIcouldalsochangemyself?WhatifatdifferentmomentsI

    actuallywassomeoneelseentirely?Thenmyownmostcovetedwants,

    desires,wishes,predilectionsetcinlifewouldinstantlychangetoadapt

    toalltheenumerabledifferentpeoplethatIcouldbeorbecome.

    Essentiallythetrue"I"wassimultaneouslynooneandyeteveryoneand

    allatthesametime!(thetrue"I"wasactuallythecoreessenceofdirect

    selfawarenessandrawexistentialconsciousnessthatItalkedabout

    earlier)Iwasswappingout"I"sthewayyouwereswappingout"perfect

    moments".Eachsubexisting"I"gottoexperienceitsownversionof

    "perfectmoments",jumpingfromonetothenext!Andeachandevery

    version,variant,permutation,compositeorcombinationofthedifferent

    'me'sinallitsinfinitevarietiesandinfinitecombinationswouldgetto

    enjoythehighestversionsofitself(s)byeachexperiencewhattoit(each

    oftheindividual"I"s)wasthe'mostperfectmoments',andaninfinite

    numberofthem!Igottoexperiencenotonlyinfiniteperfectionbutan

    infinitenumberofinfiniteperfections!Likethelyricsfromthe"These

    Dreams"song:"EverysecondofthenightIliveanotherlife".

  • Yousee,I'vealwaysimaginedthatevenifIfoundtheperfectgirland

    sharedthatperfectlovewithher,thatitwouldinawaystillbearbitrary

    andcapriciousintermsoftheinitialdiscoveryandencounter.Idon't

    actuallybelieveinsoulmatesinthestrictsensethatoutof108billion

    humansthathaveeverwalkedtheearththatthereisonlyonegirlwhois

    'mine'.Ibelievein'closeenough'archetypesthatcrossacertainvery

    highthresholdofcompatibilitythatwhencoupledwithmeetingunder

    therightcircumstancesandsufficienttimetogethertoformabondand

    nurturedarelationshipandsomememoriestogetherthatcreatesorthe

    forgestheunique'soulmate'experiencethatweallseek.Butthethingof

    itis,thatmeansIalsoconcedethatnomatterwhoIultimatelyendup

    with,evenifIdosomedayfindthesocalled"perfectgirl"orsomeonelike

    her,Icouldalsoundoubtedlyhaveendedupequallyhappywith

    someoneelsesomewhereelseintheworld.Tohavebeenina

    completelydifferentstory,tohavesharedatotallydifferentlife.No

    matterwhoIfeelattachedtoemotionallyorhaveprofessedamental

    commitmentto,thattherugcouldgetpulledoutfromunderneathmy

    feetinonefellswoop(sotospeak)andthatmyattention,attachment

    andcommitmentcouldjustaswellverywellhavebeendirectedtowards

    someothergirlanditwouldbejustasreal,justasstrongandfervent

    andintenseandunique!EvenifIkeptthesamebody,andthesame

    "me"identitythatI'vealwaysknowforthepast30years,sometimes

    whendozingoffbetweenwakefulnessandsleepthereisbriefflashesofa

    sortofmental'freeassociation'whenmymindwandersoffandmy

    mentalthoughtssomehowseemtogrowabrainofitsownortakeona

    lifeofitsown,andI'minthatzoneofdetached"coreidentity"whereallI

    perceiveisrawconsciousnessandexistentialawareness,etcIoftenget

    imprintsornotionsthatI'mnowsomewhereelseintheworld,

    emotionallyinvested,mentallybondedwith,andcommittedand

    attachedwithsomeothergirlandalltheintensevividimagerythat

    comeswiththat(apersonwhoInevermeetanddon'tevenknowbutit

    feelslikethatinthatmomentI'veknownherallmylife!)andinthatsplit

    secondIrealizethatitisallsoarbitrarythepeopleandthingswe

    encounterandendupwithinlife.HadIretainedmysameDNAbutlived

    inatotallydifferentcountryperhapshalfwayacrosstheworld,Iwould

    undoubtedlyhavetakenonatotallydifferentperspective,

  • worldview,etconlifeandmylifepathsandlifestorywouldbevastly

    differentandwouldverylikelyendupwithagirlinthatregionofthe

    world.AcompletelydifferentlifethantheoneI'mlivingnow.SoIfinally

    realizethattheonlyconstant,theonlyidentitythatneverchanges,the

    onlythingthatalwaysremainsthesameisselfawareness,and

    consciousnessitself.ThatparadoxicallythetruemeiswhoIamwhenI've

    detachedmyselffromeverythingandeveryoneelse,butalsoIamthe

    truemewhenIexperienceeverythingandeveryone.Theontologyof

    zeroinfinitythatappliestoallofexistenceitselfalsoseemstoapplyona

    selfsimilarleveltotheessenceof'me'.

    Ididn'tknowitatthetime,butevenasakid,whengiventhechanceto

    chooseandwishforwhateverIwanted,Iwasunknowinglymake

    believingthatIwas'God'himself!(orifyouwatchStarTrek,some

    omnipotentbeinglike'Q')Somekidsdreamedaboutgrowingupand

    becomingthisorthat,somepeopledreamaboutwinningthelottery,I've

    alwaysdreamedaboutexperiencingeverythingandbeingeveryone.

    AlthoughIliketosometimeshidebehindidealism,inanothersenseIwas

    effectivelythemostgreediestpersonever.Iwanteditall,Iwantedtobe

    itallandthensome.Tobehappiestandsaddest,poorestandrichestest,

    etc.Anyotherexperiencethatdeviatedfromthistotalitymindsetalmost

    feltlikesettling,likelimitingordeprivingmyselfinsomeway.

    Iknowwhatyoumeanbywantingtoexperiencedifferentexperiences

    andnotlikereadingabookthatyoualreadyknewtheendingtoor

    watchingamoviethatyou'veseenbefore.Differentstory,differentlife,

    differentperspectiveanddifferentme.I'vealwayshadsucha

    compulsion.Itwasalmostneurotic.

    Intheend,weareourperspectivesonlife.Therereallyisnorightor

    wrongwaytoexperiencelife.Itallcomesdowntovaluejudgments.

    Whatweeachfindmostunique.Butwhoarewereally?Anddoesiteven

    matter?

  • DeepdownI'vealwaysintuitedthatalllifewasjustagame.Idon'tmean

    thateverythingisajokeoraprankanditisnotmyintenttotrivializeor

    marginalizeanything.I'vealwayshadthisalmostnaivepervadingsense

    ofsolaceaboutallofexistence.Thatnomatterwhathappensordoesn't

    happen,Ican'tlose.Andthestrongestsenseofconvictionandbeliefthat

    everythingisgoingtobeokay,andthatitalwayswasalright.(despitethe

    factthatIknowtheworldasweknowittobeisgoingtohellina

    handbasket,i.e.peakoil,quantitativeeasing,petrodollarhegemony,

    populationovershoot,u.s.falseflagops,climatechange,etcetcetc)

    Ican'tpinitdownexactly,butitisthissenseorfeelingthat....orrather

    theubiquitouslypervadingsenseofrelieffromawakeningandrealizing

    nolongerhavingtofranticallylookingforsomethingwhenremembered

    thatIhaditwithmeallalong.(everpanickedandlookedforan

    importantdocumentwhenyourealizeallthattimeyoualreadyhadit

    withyouinyourhand?)

    OrlikewhenI'vehadthisweirddreamswheremydeathwasseemingly

    imminent,suchassomehowdreamingthatI'monanairplanethathad

    engineandmechanicalproblemsanditisgoingdownandthereisno

    wayanyofuswouldsurvive,etcandthenIthinktomyself(noteven

    knowingthatIwasdreaming)thatthiscan't(literally)behappeningto

    meandthatIsnapmyselfawakerightbeforeithitstheground...The

    corollaryhereisthatifthiswastoactuallyhappeninreallife,I'd


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