Background Reading for Lesson 1 Research on Stepfamily Stressors: Societal and Community stressors. Evidence shows that the greater proportion of

stepfamilies, as compared to biological families, are in lower socioeconomic groups (Glick,

1989; Larson, 1992; Martin & Bumpass, 1989; White, 1990). Citing findings from the 1987

National Survey of Families and Households, Larson (1992) reported that 39% of

stepfamilies with children had household incomes of less than $30,000 a year, compared

with 29% of other two-parent families. Thus, “stepfamilies are more likely to be poor than

rich” (Glick, 1989, p. 25). Because stress is associated with poor economic conditions

(Garbarino, 1992), stepfamilies are more likely to experience stressful economic conditions

than are first-marriage families.

In addition to potential for economic stress, at the cultural level (macrosystem level),

negative biases and stereotypes regarding stepfamilies and stepparents are common, and an

absence of institutional support and norms for stepparents exists (Bryant, Coleman, &

Ganong, 1988; Cherlin, 1978; Coleman & Ganong, 1987; Ganong & Coleman, 1997; Giles-

Sims, 1984). Specifically, teachers, counselors, and peers hold negative stereotypes of

stepfamilies (Crosbie-Burnett, 1995; Esses & Campbell, 1984; Pasley & Ihinger-Tallman,

1987; Schwebel, Fine, & Renner, 1991; Visher & Visher, 1990), and White stepfamilies are

rated the least positively when compared with Black families (Bryant et al., 1988). Although

no documentation exists that these negative stereotypes lead to personal stress, negative

stereotypes are believed to be felt as stress by the stepfamily system (Coleman & Ganong,

1987; Darley & Gross, 1983; Ganong, 1993; Ganong & Coleman, 1995).

Earlier studies suggested little social consensus on the role of the stepparent (Rossi &

Rossi, 1990; Schwebel et al., 1991). Some studies asserted that for stepfathers specifically,

ambiguity about the stepfather role exists. Marsiglio (1992) found that cultural norms

regarding appropriate stepfather behavior were less precise than norms pertaining to

biological and adoptive fathers. Studies of children’s perceptions of the stepparent role

revealed that children consider the stepfather role more ambiguous than the biological father

role (Fine, Donnelly, & Voydanoff, 1991; Hobart, 1988). Other scholars asserted that the

stepmother role is more ambiguous than that of the stepfather (Ihinger-Tallman, 1988;

Thomas & Walker, 1989). Also, scholars argued that this ambiguity increases adjustment

problems for all stepfamily members (Cherlin, 1978; Giles-Sims, 1984; Kurdek & Sinclair,

1986; Pasley, Rhodes, Visher & Visher, 1996; Schwebel, et al., 1991).

Ganong and Coleman (1997) posit that societal views (i.e., norms, expectations,

stereotypes, myths) indirectly impact relationships in families (see also Coleman & Ganong,

1987; Kurdek & Fine, 1991). Ambiguous societal views are believed to influence the social

support stepfamilies receive (Ganong & Coleman, 1997), and lack of social support is

associated with poor family functioning (e.g., Belsky, 1993; Ganong & Coleman, 1997;

Kurdek, 1989).

Within the family. The nonresident parent–child relationship affects the stepparent-

stepchild relationship; however, the nature of the effect is not clear. Some studies found that

a positive nonresident parent-child relationship is associated with a positive

stepparent/stepchild relationship (Pink & Wampler, 1985; Santrock & Sitterle, 1987), and

others report contradictory findings (Clingempeel & Segal, 1986; Furstenberg, 1987). Two

reasons are suggested by Clingempeel et al. (1987) as explanations for the mixed results.

They suggested that two different responses (cognitions) may mediate the relationship. It

could be that the child may feel secure in the parent-child relationship, so he/she does not

feel that the stepparent is replacing the nonresident parent. This lack of replacement concern

results in a better stepparent/stepchild relationship. It could also be that contact with the

nonresident parent leads to loyalty conflicts and confusion about the stepparent’s role. In

turn, this conflict and confusion leads to negative affect and interactions between the

stepchild and the stepparent. Although not empirically tested, it is assumed that the

nonresident parent may play a part in the child’s reaction and responses to the stepparent.

Encouragement or discouragement of the relationship with the stepparent presumably plays

a role in the stepparent-stepchild relationship quality.

A relationship between the biological parent-child dyad, the stepparent-stepchild

dyad and the marital dyad is proposed. This relationship is expected to operate in the

following ways. If the parent-child relationship is positive, the marital relationship is

positively affected, and the stepparent-stepchild relationship is expected to be positive. If the

parent-child relationship is positive but reflects a parent-child coalition (i.e., a united front

against the other members of the family), the new marital relationship will be negatively

affected. The negatively affected marital relationship, in turn, will negatively affect the

stepparent/stepchild relationship. The explanation for the negative effects of a parent-child

coalition on stepparent/stepchild interactions is that the stepparent may feel like an outsider

and resent being in this position (Anderson & White, 1986; Bray, 1992; Hobart, 1988; Visher

& Visher, 1988; Vuchinich, Vuchinich, & Wood, 1993).

There is evidence that a negative marital relationship can result from a poor quality

stepparent-stepchild relationship (Crosbie-Burnett, 1984; Hobart, 1988). This relationship

does not appear to be as strong in first families. Because the remarriage is a newer

relationship than the parent-child relationship, it is suggested that a poor relationship

between the new partner and their stepchild can threaten the quality of the new marital

relationship. Role ambiguity is considered important at both the societal level

(extrafamilial) and the dyadic level (intrafamilial). Research shows that role ambiguity is

related to low family/marital and personal life satisfaction in stepfamilies (Fine et al., 1991;

Kurdek & Fine, 1991). Thus, clarity of the stepparent role is expected to reduce stress and

promote healthy stepfamily functioning (Crosbie-Burnett, 1989; Pasley et al., 1996; Visher &

Visher, 1988).

Evidence suggests that risk of family stress and negative individual adjustment is

greatest among newly remarried families (Fine & Kurdek, 1994; Hetherington &

Clingempeel, 1992; Kalmuss & Seltzer, 1989). Therefore, duration of the stepfamily system

is an important intrafamilial context variable. Divorce affects the probability of multiple

changes in the family system (Booth & Amato, 1992). Relatedly, evidence suggests a

readjustment phase is common, both post-divorce and post-remarriage. In fact,

Hetherington (1989) distinguished between the early and later stages of remarriage. She

asserted that early in remarriage there is a greater focus on managing the stresses of the new

life situation. Others concur that unique developmental tasks of newly formed stepfamilies

create potential for stress and conflict in the family system (Hetherington & Clingempeel,

1992; Kalmuss & Seltzer, 1989; Pasley & Ihinger-Tallman, 1997). Some individuals in the

stepfamily do not share the same family history. This is particularly a point of stress and

conflict for new stepparents and stepchildren, as the new stepparent may discipline

differently than the biological parent and may not know the routines, rules and rituals of the

child’s previous family (Pasley et al., 1996; Vuchinich, Hetherington, Vuchinich, &

Clingempeel, 1991). Studies indicate that two years following these marital transitions, few

differences are found between parent-child relationships and family functioning in

stepfamilies and first-marriage families (Bray & Berger, 1993; Hetherington & Clingempeel,

1992; Hetherington, 1987; Visher & Visher, 1988). Thus, newer stepfamilies (i.e., 2 years and

younger) in general experience greater stress in the family system than more established

stepfamilies and may be at greater risk for conflictual interactions.

Stressors of an early remarriage are multiplied in their effects on family functioning

by the complexity of the stepfamily structure. That is, the effects are greater when the

stepfamily is more structurally complex. Complexity refers to the numbers of new

relationships formed within the stepfamily. For example, complex stepfamilies (e.g.,

combined stepfather-stepmother families) are at greater risk for stress and dysfunction than

simple stepfamilies (e.g., stepfather-only family) (Giles-Sims & Finkelhor, 1984; Pasley &

Ihinger-Tallman, 1982), since a more complex mixture of relationships provides fertile

ground for individual stress and conflict (Fine & Schwebel, 1991).

Facts & FAQs - Stepfamily FAQs Q. What is a Stepfamily? A. A STEPFAMILY IS a family in which one or both of the adult partners bring

children from a previous relationship. CHILDREN IN STEPFAMILIES ARE REFERRED TO AS:

Siblings - biologically related; from the same parents. Stepsiblings - not biologically related; parents are married to each other. Half-siblings - partially related biologically (i.e., share one parent). Mutual child - a child born to the remarried couple. Residential stepchildren - live in the household with the remarried couple the majority of the time. Nonresidential stepchildren - live in the household less than half of the time.

A STEPFAMILY HOUSEHOLD:

A stepfamily is formed when a parent marries a person who is not their child's other biological parent. People can be members of a stepfamily and not live all of the time in the stepfamily household. For instance, when both of a child's parents remarry, the child becomes a member of two stepfamilies - a stepfamily in the mother's new household and a stepfamily in the father's new household.

Unfortunately, the Census Bureau does not recognize that the child can be a member of two stepfamilies. The Census Bureau only counts the household where the child lives most of the time. Since divorce courts still typically decide that mom will become the primary custodial parent, you can see that our stepfamily statistics usually only count biological mom and stepdad households (also known as Stepfather Households). Our statistics do not include the biological father and stepmother household even when the child spends a lot of time with them.

Of course, the reverse is true if a divorced custodial dad marries again. In this case, the children primarily live with dad and stepmom so the statistics will include their household (also known as Stepmother Households) and the child's mother and stepfather's Household would not be counted in the stepfamily statistics.

This Census Bureau's method of counting stepfamilies doesn't make much sense at a time when our country is putting so much emphasis on the continued involvement (emotionally, financially, and day-to-day activities) of both biological parents in a child's life."

Q. Why use the term "stepfamily"? A. Preferred explanation:

As a general rule, the term stepfamily is preferred because it is consistent with the naming of all other family types. All other family types are defined by the parent-child relationships (e.g., biological, foster, adoptive, single-parent). While the choice of stepfamily (and any step attribution) is seen by some as negative (the wicked stepmother, treated poorly as a stepchild, etc.), SAA and stepfamilies hope that,

through education, the term stepfamily will acquire a positive, or at the very least a neutral, connotation.

Referring to stepfamilies as "blended families" is troublesome to stepfamilies and the professionals who work with them. It is a catchy media phrase that does not describe either a family relationship or what happens when at least one partner to a marriage brings children from a prior relationship (marriage ended by death or divorce or an unwed parent). Stepfamilies do not "blend." If one is determined to use a cooking phrase, try "combine or fold gently." Children in stepfamilies do not lose their individuality or their connection and active attachment to the parent who is not part of the remarriage of mother or father. A stepfamily does not recreate a first family (i.e.,"blend" into something entirely new with all prior connections severed and the former existence obliterated).

Therapists have learned (and research confirms) that when stepfamilies try to "blend," they are typically doomed to failure. Children actively balk at inferences that the stepfamily is to be considered their new family eligible to demand their full attention and loyalty.

They know they have divided loyalties. (Consider the confusion when both parents remarry and the child is expected to be a full-time member of TWO "blended" families.) Parents must accept the reality that their children have lots of "parents" now and the nurturing no longer comes from a traditional family structure. Instead of trying to blend everyone, it seems far better to help all individuals to understand the nature of the extended and expanded family with various segments having permeable boundaries. It is not helpful for anyone in a stepfamily to pretend that they are blended. The concept itself precludes working together with the expanded family members.

Short explanation: The concept of a "blended family" sets up unrealistic expectations, and makes all

aspects of adjustment more difficult than they need to be. Additional comment:

The media seems to have a love affair with the designation "blended family." "Blended" is like hearing chalk screech on a chalkboard. Stepfamilies are not "blended"! Healthy ones recognize that children from prior relationships have two families and do not "blend" solely into one family. Stepfamilies that try to ignore this reality are typically doomed to either failure or considerable unhappiness on the part of several or all of the stepfamily members. We are combined families, extended families, expanded families, almost anything is better than "blended" as a designation!

Q. How are stepfamilies different than first-time families? A. Some of the uncomfortable feelings you may experience come from these differences. Most people find that knowing about the differences helps. That's because learning about something helps us understand that our feelings are not unique, that there is nothing wrong with us. Learning can give us a feeling that we will be better able to handle our situation, and can help us feel more in control. And that gives us a sense of relief! Stepfamilies come about because of a loss. All stepfamilies have faced numerous losses and changes. It may be a final ending… the death of a spouse or parent. It may be the

ending of a marriage or relationship. Endings are hard because they mean adjusting to loss and change. Because people have trouble separating from old ties, endings mean grieving. Both adults and children grieve. Adults grieve:

• The loss of a partner. • The loss of a marriage relationship. • The loss of our dreams about the way we thought it would be because we are

not "the first" for our new partner. • The losses involved in the changes that happen because of the death or

divorce (moving, a new job, change in life style, etc.). Children grieve:

• The loss of a parent (even if the nonresidential parent visits regularly). • The loss or lessened availability of the remaining parent when courtship and

remarriage occur. • The loss of stability. • The changes that happen because of the divorce or death (new place to live, new

school, loss of friends etc.). • The loss of their fantasy of family the way they want it to be.

Unresolved grief can sometimes be seen in the continued warfare and hostility between some parents, or in the inability of a child to accept a stepparent. Children and adults may still be grieving when remarriage takes place, or the grieving may be “reactivated" at that time. The parent/child relationship has a longer history than the new couple's relationship. This can make it difficult for the adults to feel as though they are the primary, long-term relationship. It also means that the incoming marriage partner often feels like an intruder or outsider. Sometimes the close relationships that develop between parents and children in single parent households mean that the new adult partner has difficulty "being allowed in." Even the parent who looks forward to having someone share the load may find it hard to let a new partner help with parenting duties. All of us have emotional "memory books." When parents and their children get together and "remember," it is like turning the pages of the book they made together. The difficulty for the stepparent is that he or she is not in this memory book, but his or her partner's "ex" is. Stepparents need to be aware that creating a stepfamily memory book takes time and can only be accomplished as people share activities. The memory book you create with your partner is also vitally important. It means that when life gets difficult you will be able to leaf through your book and remember the good times, the funny stories, the romantic interludes, even the difficult times you have overcome. It takes time to build a history with your partner, and the memories created with your spouse don't have to compete with the memories they have with their children. But, it does help you understand why sometimes stepparents feel on the outside. A biological parent (ex-spouse) is in another place. Even if the other parent never visits or has died, he or she is a part of the children's past (just as you have people in your past whom your partner and stepchildren and children don't know). Children need to be

allowed to have memories of their other parent. They need to be allowed to have pictures and to talk about the other parent. If a stepparent can't tolerate this very well, the biological parent can help out here by allowing the child time to recall past experiences. Research tells us that the children who adjust the best to divorce are those who have the easiest access to both their parents. This means they can talk to, write and/or see their nonresidential parent as often as possible. It is important that a child be given permission (by the parent and stepparent) to love the other biological parent. It is also important for the child to be given permission by both biological parents to like the stepparents). Children who are asked to choose are put in a no-win emotional dilemma. Remember: to accept the present, we need to accept and allow for one another's past. Children are members of two households. "Where do I belong?" and "Where do I fit in?" are questions asked by many stepchildren. Children have the ability to adjust to two sets of rules or two ways of doing things as long as they are not asked to choose which is better. It is important for parent and stepparent to talk about rules for the household, rules for behavior of the children and the consequences for broken rules. Once the adults are clear about the rules, they need to be communicated to the children in the family by the biological parent. Authorities recommend that at the beginning, discipline should come from the biological parent This means that parent and stepparent decide on the rules together but that the biological parent announces the rules and enforces the consequences. Later, after relationships have developed, the stepparent can become more involved. Adults also need to understand that there is a difference between "parenting" and "discipline." Parenting has to do with things such as nurturing ("I love you."), transmitting values ("Its important to do the best you can."), giving positive strokes ("You really did a good job."), maintaining appropriate boundaries in the family ("Your mother and I are talking now about a grown up decision."), and setting appropriate limits on children's behavior ("You can play after the dishes are done."). Discipline has to do with enforcing consequences when values, boundaries and limits are not observed. Flexibility on the part of the adults in one household can help to establish a "parenting partnership" with the other household. If this can happen, adults and children benefit. Often this parenting partnership cannot be established until feelings about the divorce and remarriage have settled down, but it is a goal worth working toward. Stepparents may be asked to assume a parental role before emotional ties with the stepchild have been established. Often a stepparent is thrust into the role of "instant parent" with no previous parenting experience. This person is asked to play a knowledgeable parent role in the household. Biological parents grow into their parenting roles as their children grow. Stepparents are often expected to adjust instantly as though parenting is an inborn skill. It is not!!! For biological parents, the bonding process that happens means we are more tolerant of our children's personalities and behaviors than someone who doesn't know them so well. This is normal. The reverse is also true. Children are bonded to (and thus often more tolerant of) their biological parents. Parents can assist the stepparent by helping them to "get to know" their child. They can show them the picture albums, run the home movies, tell the family stories and help fill in the gaps. Some children will enjoy being a part of this process. The

painful part for the stepparent may be the presence in the history of the child's other biological parent. Be aware that your acceptance of this parent will help this child be less resistant to you. You can be reassuring to the child that while you have an adult role in this household, you will not try to replace his or her other parent. Many stepparents find a satisfactory role in simply being a "helper" to the biological parent. This can work well, especially where stepchildren are elementary school age or older. There is no legal relationship between stepparents and stepchildren. This lack of a legal relationship (we are not birth, adoptive, or foster parents) is another reason our role as stepparent is unclear. There is a loss of status which may give us a feeling of wanting to be less involved. Yet there may be a sense of having legal responsibility - responsibility without authority. No legal relationship with our stepchild means that unless we have written authority, we can't authorize emergency medical care, have access to school records or sign important documents. You may want to have written authority if you care for minor stepchildren. This can be secured by being granted a limited power of attorney (for example, to authorize emergency medical care) by the biological parent Q. What can stepfamilies do to be successful? A. NURTURE AND ENRICH THE COUPLE RELATIONSHIP…

• Affirm each other frequently! Demonstrate affection. • Spend "alone" time together. • Be honest and open. • Practice positive communication. • Fight fairly! • Remember that "little things mean a lot!"

REVEAL AND UNDERSTAND EMOTIONS…

• Deal with and resolve the loss/pain from previous relationship so that it does not continue to interfere with the present one.

• Rid yourself of the bitterness which often exists after a divorce. • Encourage the children to express and process their feelings. • Because emotions are often more intense in a stepfamily and there are more

complicating factors, it is important that emotions be expressed in productive ways.

HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS... • All members of the stepfamily need to get to know each other well before a

remarriage takes place. • The myths of instant love and its antithesis of never-ending, unsolvable

problems need to be dispelled.

DEVELOP NEW ROLES...

• Understand that a new family is being created and that all members will be developing some new roles and changing others.

• Former spouses must learn to co-parent, which is often very difficult. • Children should not be used as messengers between households or as pawns

in a power struggle. • The non-custodial parent needs to develop a new role and continue to

demonstrate love and concern. • Stepparents, obviously, have to develop a new role with the children.

Depending upon custodial arrangements, different roles are possible. The role of friend is a positive one and can be assumed if the children do not spend much time in the household of the stepparent. Generally, it is recommended to begin the relationship as a friend. Custodial stepparents need to develop a type of parenting role.

• Neither authoritarian nor permissive discipline seems to work as well in a stepfamily as democratic discipline.

• Shared roles and responsibilities have benefits in the stepfamily. • Grandparents are often neglected in stepfamily research. They, too, assume

new roles and can play an instrumental role in stepfamily success. Educating grandparents, as well as other stepfamily members, is highly recommended.

• Clear, open, honest communication is vital. • The couple relationship needs to remain strong. Struggles in which the

biological parent feels "in the middle" or the stepparent feels alone can be very detrimental.

Whichever roles are finally assumed, the goal is family integration. It is important

that stepfamilies begin to develop a sense of unity, while keeping in mind that this is not a biological family.

SEEK SUPPORT, AND SEE THE POSITIVE...

• Learn about stepfamily dynamics by reading stepfamily books. • Positive affirmation is important. Hopefully, support is evident from family,

friends, and the community in general. Attend an SAA chapter support group.

• Join the Stepfamily Association to learn more about stepfamily living, and support SAA's efforts to make every stepfamily a success.

• Emphasize the positive! Stepfamilies have many strengths.

Source: www.stepfam.org

Facts and FAQs - Stepfamily Fact Sheet The U.S. Census Bureau decided to discontinue providing estimates of marriage, divorce, and remarriage except for those that are available from our current census. Thus, many of our current estimates were derived from the 1990 census and earlier data sources. CURRENT ESTIMATES FROM 1988-1990 SUGGEST:

• 52-62% of all first marriages will eventually end in divorce. • About 75% of divorced persons eventually remarry. • About 43% of all marriages are remarriages for at least one of the adults. • About 65% of remarriages involve children from the prior marriage and, thus, form

stepfamilies. • 60% of all remarriages eventually end in divorce.

INFORMATION FROM THE MOST RECENT VITAL STATISTICS REPORT (1998) SHOWS: Of the children under 18 years of age:

• 68.1% live with two parents (down from 72.5% in 1990) • 23.3% live with only their biological mother (down from 24.2% in • 1990) • 4.4% live with only their biological father (up from 3.9% in 1990) • 3.0% live with other relatives (up from 2.2% in 1990) • 1.2% live with nonrelatives (up from .5% in 1990)

There are no recent estimates on the percentage of children residing in stepfamilies. Our most recent information is from 1990 and shows that of the children under 18 years of age living in two-parent households:

• 76.1% live with two biological parents. • 1.4% live with two adoptive parents. • 10.3% lived with a biological mother and stepfather. • 0.6% lived with a biological father and stepmother. • 9.8% lived with a combined stepmother-stepfather household. • 1.3% lived with a biological parent and an adoptive parent.

HOW THESE FIGURES UNDERESTIMATE THE NUMBER OF STEPFAMILIES:

• To date, government reporting of population figures indicate families in which the child resides. Thus, if the child lives with a divorced, single parent and the other nonresident parent has remarried, the child is not included in the calculations as being a member of a stepfamily.

• Estimation efforts by Bumpass, Raley, and Sweet (1995), using data from 1987-1988 suggest that many children living in a "single parent household" (as designated by

the Census Bureau) are actually living with two adults. Thus, their best estimates indicate that about 25% of current stepfamilies are actually cohabiting couples.

• They show that if only children residing in legally married stepfamilies are included, 23% of children would be designated as living in a stepfamily. When children are included who live with a cohabiting parent, the figure rises to 30%.

• They suggest that 2/3 of all women, and 30% of all children, are likely to spend some time in a stepfamily, using the more liberal definition that includes cohabiting adult couples.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION FROM 1988-1990 SOURCES:

• 1 out of 3 Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily (Larson, 1992).

• More than half of Americans today have been, are now or will eventually be in one or more step situations during their lives (Larson, 1992).

• The most common stepfamilies where children reside are stepfather families or combined stepfather-stepmother families. In this latter case, his children from the prior marriage typically do not reside in the stepfamily

SOURCES:

Bumpass, L.L., Raley, R.K., & Sweet, J.A. (1995). The changing character of stepfamilies: Implications of cohabitation and nonmarital childbearing, Demography 32, 425-436. Glick, P.C. (1989), Remarried families, stepfamilies, and stepchildren: A brief demographic profile, Family Relations 38, 24-28. Glick, P.C. & Lin, S.L. (1987), Remarriage after divorce: Recent changes and demographic variation, Sociological Perspectives 30(2), 162- 167. Larson, J. (1992), Understanding stepfamilies, American Demographics 14, 360. Norton, A.J., & Miller, L.F. (1992), Marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the 1990s, Current Population Reports (Series P23-180), Washington, DC: Government Printing Office U.S. Bureau of the Census (1998), Marital status and living arrangements, Current Population Reports (Series P20-514), Washington, DC: Government Printing Office. For more information, see the Bureau of the Census - www.census.gov

© 2000 Stepfamily Association of America. All Rights Reserved. www.stepfam.org

Stepfamily Myths Myths are beliefs that strongly influence the way people in stepfamilies adjust to their new family and react to one another. The following myths about stepfamilies can be stumbling blocks on the stepfamily journey. Myth #1 - Love occurs instantly between the child and the stepparent. This is the expectation that because you love your new partner you will automatically love his or her children; or that the children will automatically love us because we are such nice people. Of course, if we think about it, we recognize that establishing relationships takes time; that it does not happen overnight or by magic. Even if we recognize the time factor involved, it is hard to accept that sometimes we are willing to have a relationship with someone who is not willing to have a relationship with us. That hurts, and when people hurt, they may become resentful and angry. Stepfamily adjustment will be helped if we come to the relationships with our stepchildren with minimal, and, therefore, more realistic, expectations about how the relationships will develop. We may then be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes more time than we anticipated. Myth #2 – Older children are usually more capable of handling marital transitions. To the contrary, research indicates that the older the child, the longer the transition process. An older child or adolescent has more history with their biological parents and more memories of “how it used to be.” Developmentally, they are focused on themselves (egocentric) and often respond by personalizing the situation – “You have messed up MY life.” They may be embarrassed or worry about what others think. They are very worried about “fitting in.” They also are more verbal and are in a stage of processing relationships and may “think” more about roles and relationships than a younger child would. The most successful form of parenting with older children and adolescents is a warm, supportive role, with the biological parent as the primary disciplinarian. Myth #3 - Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged. Children go through a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often respond to their children's pain with guilt. Somehow they feel they can "make it up" to them. This leads to difficulties in responding appropriately to our children's hurt and setting appropriate limits - an important part of parenting. Researchers have hopeful news about children of divorce and remarriage. Although it takes some time, most children do recover their emotional equilibrium. Five and 10 years later most are found to be no different, in many important ways, from kids in first marriage families. Myth #4 - Stepmothers are wicked. This myth is based on the fairy stories we all hear as children. Because these stories tell about stepmothers who are not kind, nice or fair, we may be confused about our roles when we become stepmothers. We are nice people, wanting to do a good job, but the world seems to have another idea about stepmothers. This negative concept of the stepmother role impacts us in a very personal way and we may be very self-conscious about our stepparenting. Research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily. (But, if you are a stepmother, you knew that already!)

Myth #5 - Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly. People are optimistic and hopeful when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with being happy. If your hope or expectation is that once the wedding vows are spoken life will return to normal (whatever that is), you are going to be disappointed. Because stepfamilies are such complicated families, the time it takes for people to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop some family history is significant, usually at least four years. Myth #6 - Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological fathers (or mothers) withdraw. Children will always have two biological parents, and will adjust better if they can access both. This means they need to be able to see their nonresidential parent and to think well of him or her. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is very important to the child's adjustment and emotional health, except in those rare instances of parental abuse or neglect. It helps if the residential parent and stepparent can work toward a "parenting partnership" with all the adults involved. Sometimes this can't happen right away, but it can be something to work toward. Myth #7 - Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier. People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one, and a remarriage may "reactivate" unfinished grieving. These emotional issues may get played out in the new relationship with detrimental effects. Another problem is that it can be difficult to think realistically about the person who has died. He or she exists in memory, not in reality, and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood. When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to the one before. When people remarry after a divorce, they are usually looking for something very different. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost. Myth #8 - Part-time stepfamilies are easier. Relationships take time. Stepfamilies where the children only visit occasionally are hampered by the lack of time to work on relationships. If your stepchildren come every other weekend, there is less time for one-on-one time between the stepchild and stepparent, and less time for family activities. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process (stages of development), it may take the part-time stepfamily longer to move through the process. Myth #9 – In the beginning it is important to focus on establishing the stepparent-stepchild relationship. Although the stepparent-stepchild relationship is important and it can impact the marital relationship, it is most important to strengthen the couple relationship. The marital relationship creates the stepfamily. It is the newest and usually the most vulnerable relationship. Investing time in building the marital relationship is time invested in strengthening the family. Myth # 10 There is a legally recognized relationship between stepparent and stepchild. Many parents and stepparents alike, do not realize that legally a stepparent cannot

authorize medical care for stepchildren, have access to their school records, among other rights. © 2000 Stepfamily Association of America. All Rights Reserved.

How stepfamilies are different Stepfamilies are different from first-time families. Most people find that knowing about the differences helps. That's because learning about something helps us understand that our feelings are not unique, that there is nothing wrong with us. Learning can give us a feeling that we will be better able to handle our situation, and can help us feel more in control. And that gives us a sense of relief!

1. Stepfamily members have experienced loss.

Stepfamily members may have experienced numerous changes and may associate losses with some of those changes. It may have been a final ending... the death of a spouse or parent. It may have been the ending of a marriage or relationship. These endings and the perceived losses may be grieved by both adults and children. Adults may have grieved:

• The loss of a partner. • The loss of a marriage relationship. • The loss of dreams • The losses involved in the changes that happen because of the death or divorce

(moving, a new job, change in life style, etc.). Children may have grieved or are still grieving:

• The loss of a parent (even if the nonresidential parent visits regularly). • The loss or lessened availability of the remaining parent when courtship and

remarriage occur. • The loss of stability. • The changes that happen because of the divorce or death (new place to live, new

school, loss of friends etc.). • The loss of their fantasy of their first family the way they want it to be.

Unresolved grief can sometimes be seen in the continued warfare and hostility between some parents, or in the inability of a child to accept a stepparent. Children and adults may still be grieving when remarriage takes place, or the grieving may be "reactivated" at that time.

2. Thre

This carelationshipoutsider. Sosingle parenEven the pa new partn

e parent/child relationship has a longer history than the new couple’s lationship.

n make it difficult for the adults to feel as though they are the primary, long-term . It also means that the incoming marriage partner often feels like an intruder or metimes the close relationships that develop between parents and children in t households mean that the new adult partner has difficulty "being allowed in."

arent who looks forward to having someone share the load may find it hard to let er help with parenting duties.

All of us have emotional "memory books." When parents and their children get together and "remember," it is like turning the pages of the book they made together. The difficulty for the stepparent is that he or she is not in this memory book, but his or her partner's "ex" is. Stepparents need to be aware that creating a stepfamily memory book takes time and can only be accomplished as people share activities. The memory book created with the new partner is also vitally important. It means that when life gets difficult, they will be able to leaf through their book and remember the good times, the funny stories, the romantic interludes, even the difficult times they have overcome. It takes time to build a history with a new partner, and the memories created with a spouse don't have to compete with the memories they have with their children. But, it does help a parent understand why sometimes stepparents feel on the outside. 3. A biological parent(ex-spouse) is in another place.

Even if the other parent never visits or has died, he or she is a part of the children's past Children need to be allowed to have memories of their other parent. They need to be allowed to have pictures and to talk about the other parent. If a stepparent can't tolerate this very well, the biological parent can help out here by allowing the child time to recall past experiences. Research tells us that the children who adjust the best to divorce are those who have the easiest access to both their parents, unless it is unsafe to be with a parent. This means they can talk to, write and/or see their nonresidential parent as often as possible. It is important that a child be given permission (by the parent and stepparent) to love the other biological parent. It is also important for the child to be given permission by both biological parents to like the stepparent(s). Children who are asked to choose are put in a no-win emotional dilemma. Remember: to accept the present we need to accept and allow for one another's past.

4. Children are members of two households.

"Where do I belong?" and "Where do I fit in?" are questions asked by many stepchildren. Children have the ability to adjust to two sets of rules or two ways of doing things as long as they are not asked to choose which is better.

It is important for parent and stepparent to talk about rules for the household, rules for behavior of the children and the consequences for broken rules. Once the adults are clear about the rules, they need to be communicated to the children in the family by the biological parent. Flexibility on the part of the adults in one household can help to establish a "parenting partnership" with the other household. If this can happen, adults and children benefit. Often this parenting partnership cannot be established until feelings about the divorce and remarriage have settled down, but it is a goal worth working for.

5. Stepparents may be asked to assume a parental role before emotional ties with the stepchild have established.

Often a stepparent is thrust into the role of "instant parent." With no previous parenting experience, this person is asked to play a knowledgeable parent role in the household.

Biological parents grow into their parenting roles as their children grow. Stepparents are often expected to adjust instantly as though parenting is an inborn skill. It is not! For biological parents, the bonding process that happens means they are more tolerant of their children's personalities and behaviors than someone who doesn't know them so well. This is normal. The reverse is also true. Children are bonded to (and thus often more tolerant of) their biological parents. Authorities recommend that at the beginning, discipline come from the biological parent. This means that parent and stepparent decide on the rules together but that the biological parent announces the rules and enforces the consequences. Later, after relationships have developed, the stepparent can become more involved. Parents can assist the stepparent by helping them to "get to know" their child. They can show them the picture albums, run the home movies, tell the family stories and help fill in the gaps. Some children will enjoy being a part of this process. The painful part for the stepparent may be the presence in the history of the child's other biological parent. Stepparents should be aware that their acceptance of this parent will help this child be less resistant. The stepparent can reassure the child that while they have an adult role in this household, they will not try to replace his or her other parent. Many stepparents find a satisfactory role in simply being a support to the biological parent and their children. This can work well, especially where stepchildren are elementary school age or older. 6. There is no legal relationship between stepparents and stepchildren.

This lack of a legal relationship (we are not birth, adoptive, or foster parents) is another reason the role of the stepparent is unclear. This perceived loss of status may create a feeling of wanting to be less involved. Yet there may be a sense of having legal responsibility - responsibility without authority. No legal relationship with a stepchild means that, unless a stepparent has written authority, they can't authorize emergency medical care, have access to school records or sign important documents. A stepparent may want to have written authority if they care for minor stepchildren. This can be secured by being granted a limited power of attorney (for example, to authorize emergency medical care) by the biological parent. This form, which should be notarized by a notary public to be effective, can read as follows:

(Name of biological /custodial parent.) (Indicate whether father/mother of child(ren).) (Names(s) of child(ren).) whose birthday(s) is/are: (Fill in birthday(s).) hereby allow (Name of stepparent/caretaker of child(ren).) to secure medical attention/treatment/tests on behalf of my child(ren). (Signature of biological/custodial parent.) *

*This limited power of attorney was prepared by Richard Victor, Esq., a member of STEPFAMILY ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA, INC. FORM MAY BE REPRODUCED.

Legal issues which create stress for stepfamilies can involve inheritance, last names, and potential visitation issues if this new family should end because of death or divorce. Fortunately, the laws are beginning to change, but it's taking them a long time to catch up. These six ways in which stepfamilies are different mean that stepfamilies have some tasks to accomplish when forming a stepfamily. These will take some time. As stepfamilies work on these tasks together, they will be moving towards the variety of rewarding experiences and relationships that being part of a stepfamily can bring. REFER PARTICIPANTS TO THE SAA WEBSITE FOR VALUABLE INFORMATION: www.saafamilies.org

Schools Should Do More For Stepfamilies by William L. Bainbridge

(Bill is president of SchoolMatch, a national school-evaluation and research company and on the Board of Directors of the S.A.A.)

The demographics of schools have changed, as our culture has evolved. Many schools have more children of divorce and living in-step than from traditional two-parent families.

When parents divorce, their children often become part of two distinct families. Unfortunately many schools have not developed policies and practices that take the needs of these pupils into account. As a result, the children may not complete homework assignments on time and may not be able to attend school events and activities because one parent may not have appropriate information. Performance and attendance may suffer and tension may increase between parents, stepparents, and children.

Change needs to start with parents asserting their need. They should contact the teachers often, show up at school events, and ask for extra copies of notices and newsletters. Parents should offer assistance to school staff members. The more school staff members see and hear from stepparents and parents, the sooner they will accept two-family situations as typical...and positive. Once that happens, the culture of the school can change.

What can school administrators do to ease the tensions for children who move between homes? The most important idea is to make sure all school personnel understand stepfamilies are the norm for many children, not a deviation from a 2-parent, 1-family standard. The school staff should assume that a child's parents and stepparents all want to be as involved as possible in their children's school lives. Establishing a positive attitude of inclusion will improve communication all around. A well-worded memo or a staff development session helps create school-wide awareness and acceptance. Schools need to make these attitudes official and practical:

• Adopt an official policy that ensures communication with all of a child's parents and put it in writing.

• Avoid "kidmail" as much as possible. Children frequently fail to pass information along to parents and the information does not get through. This can reduce a lot of pressure on children who might feel caught in the middle between parents who still have communication issues themselves.

• Send duplicate copies of materials, especially performance reports, notices of field trips and events, and permission slips to both households. Include both households in all mailings. Pick-up points in the school can be established so parents can drop by to get materials.

• Use more than one means to communicate (mailings, e-mail, telephone calls, etc.) with families. The PTA and other parent groups can help here: try telephone or e-mail round-robins in which one parent contacts two others and those two contact two others, etc.

• Create call-in or online homework hotlines, events calendars, scheduling information, etc. that parents, students, and staff can access 24 hours a day. This hotline could be maintained by parent volunteers or a group of students with interest in technology. If these practices do not exist in your children's school, ask for them. Be assertive. These changes will make school life better for all of our children.

Does Stepfamily Counseling Work? by Robert Klopfer, LCSW

Many adults living in stepfamilies have undergone counseling or psychotherapy before. At least one of the adults has had to face the loss of a significant previous relationship. When life in a stepfamily gets difficult, should the adults consider another round of counseling? Will facing the issues bring more discord and discomfort? Should the children or adolescents be in therapy? What can we expect to get from Stepfamily Counseling?

While each stepfamily is different and the issues they face are wide-ranging, we know some basic facts about the advantages of stepfamily counseling and how it will benefit the participants when it is effective. We know that stepfamily living involves more conflict situations that are built-in to the family structure. Many of us hate conflict and hope to avoid it at all costs. Many of us come from previous relationships that had too much conflict. The areas of frequent conflict in the stepfamily system are: stepparent-children, former spouse(s), former in-laws, insider-outsider concerns, changes in family rituals, visitation, financial inequities, and many more.

Stepfamily counseling helps the adults to focus on these issues, break them down to bite-sized chunks, and look at them in new perspectives. Most of us had no idea of what to expect when we began our journey as a stepfamily. Dr. James Bray found a lack of understanding of this process and a failure to adjust to it were key elements that caused stepfamilies to fail and couples to re-divorce. The stepfamily counselor helps the family develop a map of the territory, a way of finding their unique way to traverse the process of stepfamily development and to find road-markers to help the process along. While conflict is more prevalent in early stepfamily life, it usually calms down when people get to know each other and, hopefully, over time, to care for each other.

Many children and adolescents bring unresolved losses into their stepfamily. If these losses increase, children and adolescents may get depressed or act out against authority. This leads to school adjustment difficulties. Counseling for youngsters who need understanding, support, and outside guidance is crucial to their well-being and will enhance the quality of stepfamily life for all members of the family. Our counseling orientation helps the parents by including them in parent-child sessions to help all to understand the bruises these children have sustained, how to treat them effectively, and help them to heal. An earlier research study (Visher and Visher) found the key to success for adults in stepfamily counseling was how the counselor addresses step-issues in an understanding and competent manner. These couples report a high degree of satisfacton with the process and significant improvement in their family life. Focus on resolving current conflicts and drawing a road map for the couple was crucial to a positive outcome. For children and adolescents, the counselor's understanding of their losses, their adjustment difficulty, and their unyielding wish to preserve their sense of a family they knew and cherished was key

to the successful resolution of current discomfort and helpful to their adjustment to their real family situations.