Avenue Q Libretto.pdf

7/27/2019 Avenue Q Libretto.pdf

1/113

AvenueQ

Music:RobertLopezandJeffMarx

Lyrics:RobertLopezandJeffMarx

Book:JeffWhitty

Premiere:July31,2003

ActOne

*"AvenueQTheme"/Company

*"Opening"/Company

*"IfYouWereGay"/Nicky,Rod

*"Purpose"/Princeton

*"Everyone'sALittleBitRacist"/Princeton,Kate,Gary,Brian,ChristmasEve

*"TheInternetIsForPorn"/Kate,TrekkieMonster,Men

*"AMixTape"/Kate,Princeton

*"I'mNotWeaingUnderwearToday"/Brian

*"Special"/Lucy

*"YouCanBeAsLoudAsTheHellYouWant(WhenYou'reMakingLove)"/Gary,BadIdeaBears

*"FantasiesComeTrue"/Rod,Kate

*"MyGirlfriend,WhoLivesinCanada"/Rod

*"There'sAFine,FineLine"/Kate

ActTwo

*"ThereIsLifeOutsideYourApartment"/Brian,Company

*"TheMoreYouRuvSomeone"/ChristmasEve,Kate

*"Schadenfreude"/Gary,Nicky

*"IWishICouldGoBackToCollege"/Kate,Nicky,Princeton

*"TheMoneySong"/Nicky,Princeton,Gary,ChristmasEve,Brian,TrekkieMonster

*"ForNow"/Company

ACTI

TheAvenueQTheme

COMPANY

Thesunisshining,

It'salovelyday,

aperfectmorning


2/113

forakidtoplay,

butyou'vegotlots

ofbillstopay

whatcanyoudo?

Youworkrealhard

andthepay'sreallow

andev'ryhour

goesoh,soslow

andattheendoftheday

there'snowheretogo

buthometoAvenueQ!

YouliveonAvenueQ!

Yourfriendsdotoo.

Youaretwentytwo

andyouliveonAvenueQ!

YouliveonAvenueQ

YouliveonAvenueQ!

WhatDoYouDoWithaB.A.inEnglish?/ItSuckstoBeMe

PRINCETON

WhatdoyoudowithaB.A.inEnglish?

Whatismylifegoingtobe?

Fouryearsofcollege

andplentyofknowledge

haveearnedme

thisuselessdegree.

Ican'tpaythebillsyet,

'causeIhavenoskillsyet.

Theworldisabig

scaryplace...

ButsomehowIcan'tshake

thefeelingImightmake

adifference

tothehumanrace!


3/113

(spoken)

KATEMONSTER

Morning,Brian!

BRIAN

Hi,KateMonster.

KATEMONSTER

How'slife?

BRIAN

Disappointing!

KATEMONSTER

What'sthematter?

BRIAN

Thecateringcompanylaidmeoff.

KATEMONSTER

Oh,I'msorry!

BRIAN

Metoo!Imean,lookatme!I'mtenyearsoutofcollege,andI

alwaysthought

KATEMONSTER

What?

BRIAN

No,itsoundsstupid.

KATEMONSTER

Aww,comeon!

(sung)

BRIAN

WhenIwaslittleIthoughtIwouldbe...


4/113

KATEMONSTER

What?

BRIAN

Abigcomedianonlatenightt.v.

ButnowI'mthirtytwoandasyoucansee

I'mnot.

KATEMONSTER

Nope!

BRIAN

Ohwell,

itsuckstobeme.

KATEMONSTER

Nooooo.

BRIAN

Itsuckstobeme.

KATEMONSTER

No!

BRIAN

Itsuckstobebrokeandunemployed

andturningthirtythree.

Itsuckstobeme.

KATEMONSTER

Oh,youthinkyourlifesucks?

BRIAN

Ithinkso.

KATEMONSTER

Yourproblemsaren'tsobad!

I'mkindapretty,andprettydamnsmart.

BRIAN

Youare.


5/113

KATEMONSTER

Thanks!

Ilikeromanticthingslikemusicandart.

AndasyouknowIhaveagiganticheart.

Sowhy,don'tIhaveaboyfriend?

Fuck!Itsuckstobeme!

BRIAN

Metoo.

KATEMONSTER

Itsuckstobeme.

BRIAN

Itsuckstobeme.

ItsuckstobeBrian...

KATEMONSTER

AndKate...

BRIAN

Tonothaveajob!

KATEMONSTER

Tonothaveadate!

BOTH

Itsuckstobeme.

(spoken)

BRIAN

Hey,Rod,Nicky,canyousettlesomethingforus?

Doyouhaveasecond?

ROD

Ah,certainly.

KATEMONSTER

Whoselifesucksmore?Brian'sormine?


6/113

(sung)

NICKYANDROD

Ours!

ROD

Welivetogether.

NICKY

We'reascloseaspeoplecanget.

ROD

We'vebeenthebestofbuddies...

NICKY

Eversincethedaywemet.

ROD

Soheknowslotsofwaystomakemereallyupset.

Oh,everydayisanaggravation.

NICKY

Comeon,that'sanexaggeration!

ROD

Youleaveyourclothesout.

Youputyourfeetonmychair.

NICKY

Ohyeah?Youdosuchanalthings

likeironingyourunderwear.

ROD

Youmakethatverysmallapartmentweshare

ahell.

NICKY

Sodoyou.

That'swhyI'minhelltoo!

ROD

Itsuckstobeme!


7/113

NICKY

No,itsuckstobeme!

KATEMONSTER

Itsuckstobeme!

BRIAN

Itsuckstobeme!

ALL

Isthereanybodyhereitdoesn'tsucktobe?

Itsuckstobeme!

CHRISTMASEVE

Whyyouallsohappy?

NICKY

Becauseourlivessuck!

CHRISTMASEVE

Yourlivessuck?

Ihearingyoucorrectly?Ha!

Icomingtothiscountryforopportunities.

TriedtoworkinKoreandeli,

butIamJapanese.

ButwithhardworkIearntwoMaster'sDegrees

insocialwork!

AndnowIatherapist!

ButIhavenoclients!

(smackingBrian)

AndIhavean

unemployedfiance!

Andwehavelots

ofbillstopay!

Itsucktobeme!

Itsucktobeme!

Isayit

Suckasuckasuckasucka

suckasuckasuckasucka


8/113

suckasuckasuckasucka

suck!

Itsucktobeme.

(spoken)

PRINCETON

Excuseme?

BRIAN

Heythere.

PRINCETON

Sorrytobotheryou,butI'mlookingforaplacetolive.

CHRISTMASEVE

Whyyoulookingallthewayouthere?

PRINCETON

Well,IstartedatAvenueA,butsofareverythingisout

ofmypricerange.Butthisneighborhoodlooksalotcheaper!

Oh,andlook a"ForRent"sign!

BRIAN

Youneedtotalktothesuperintendent.Letmegethim.

PRINCETON

Great,thanks!

BRIAN

Yo,GARY!

GARYCOLEMAN

I'mcomin'!I'mcomin'!

PRINCETON

OhmyGod!It'sGaryColeman!

GARYCOLEMAN

YesIam!

(sung)


9/113

I'mGaryColeman

fromTV'sDiff'rentStrokes

Imadealottamoney

thatgotstolenbymyfolks!

NowI'mbrokeand

I'mthebuttofeveryone'sjokes,

butI'mhere

thesuperintendent!

OnAvenueQ

ALL

Itsuckstobeyou.

KATEMONSTER

Youwin!

ALL

Itsuckstobeyou.

BRIAN

Ifeelbetternow!

GARYCOLEMAN

Tryhavingpeoplestoppingyoutoaskyou

"Whatyoutalkin''bout,Willis?"

Itgetsold.

ALL

Itsuckstobeyou.

OnAvenueQ.

(suckstobeme)

OnAvenueQ.

(suckstobeyou)

OnAvenueQ.

(suckstobeus)

Butnotwhen

we'retogether.

We'retogether

hereonAvenueQ!

WeliveonAvenueQ!

Ourfriendsdotoo!


10/113

'Tilourdreamscometrue,

weliveonAvenueQ!

PRINCETON

Thisisreallife!

ALL

WeliveonAvenueQ!

NICKY

You'regonnaloveit.

ALL

WeliveonAvenueQ!

GARYCOLEMAN

Here'syourkeys!

ALL

WelcometoAvenueQ!

SCENE1

BRIAN

So...whatsyourname?

PRINCETON

ImPrinceton.

BRIAN

Hey!Buddy!ImBrian,andthisismyfianc...

CHRISTMASEVE

MynameChristmasEve.Yousocute...veryhandsome...yousingle?

PRINCETON

Yeah!

CE

Becauseshesingle...

KATE


11/113

OH!ChristmasEve!

BRIAN

ThatsKateMonster.Shelivesinourbuilding

PRINCETON

Oh!Hi!

KATE

Hi!

(Trekkiemonsterthrowsagarbagebagoutofhiswindow).

GARYCOLEMAN

Trekkie!

TREKKIE

Ooooh!

BRIAN

Morning,Trekkie!

TREKKIE

Oh!,menotimetotalk.Mebusy...(Heclosesthewindow)

BRIAN

AndthatsTrekkieMonster

CE

Heapervert.Younospendingtimewithhim

GARY

Comeoninside,kiddo!Illshowyoutheplace

PRINCETON

Oh!Great!

GARY

Wehavemanydistinguishedpeopleontheirbestinterestinthisone,Itrust?

PRINCETON

Nokidding!


12/113

GARY

Mmmmm...!!!

(PrincetonandGaryleave.)

CE

So,whatyouthink,KateMonster?Hecute,right?

KATE

Yeah!

CE

Ha,ha,ha...Yougogethim.Amanrespondstoanagressivewoman.(ToBrian)You!Gogetjob!

BRIAN

Ok,Imgoing!(Heleaves)

CE

See?

(Theyleave).

IfYouWereGay

RodandNickysappartment.

(spoken)

ROD

Aah,anafternoonalonewithmyfavoritebook,"BroadwayMusicalsofthe1940s."Noroommateto

botherme.Howcoulditgetanybetterthanthis?

NICKY

Oh,hiRod!

ROD

HiNicky.

NICKY


13/113

HeyRod,you'llneverguesswhathappenedtomeonthesubwaythismorning.Thisguywassmilingat

meandtalkingtome

ROD

That'sveryinteresting.

NICKY

Hewasbeingrealfriendly,andIthinkhewascomingontome.Ithinkhemight'vethoughtIwasgay!

ROD

Ahem,so,uh,whyareyoutellingmethis?WhyshouldIcare?Idon'tcare.Whatdidyouhaveforlunch

today?

NICKY

Oh,youdon'thavetogetalldefensiveaboutit,Rod...

ROD

I'mNOTgettingdefensive!WhatdoIcareaboutsomegayguyyoumet,okay?I'mtryingtoread.

NICKY

Oh,Ididn'tmeananythingbyit,Rod.Ijustthinkit'ssomethingweshouldbeabletotalkabout.

ROD

Idon'twanttotalkaboutit,Nicky!Thisconversationisover!!!

NICKY

Yeah,but...

ROD

Over!!!

NICKY

Well,okay,butjustsoyouknow

(sung)

Ifyouweregay

that'dbeokay.

Imean'cause,hey,

I'dlikeyouanyway.

Becauseyousee,


14/113

ifitwereme,

Iwouldfeelfree

tosaythatIwasgay

butI'mnotgay.

ROD

Nicky,please!Iamtryingtoread...

What?!

NICKY

Ifyouwerequeer

I'dstillbehere,

yearafteryear

becauseyou'redear

tome.

AndIknowthatyou

wouldacceptmetoo,

ifItoldyoutoday

"Hey!Guesswhat,

I'mgay!"

ButI'mnotgay.

I'mhappy

justbeingwithyou.

Sowhatshouldit

mattertome

whatyoudoinbed

withguys?

ROD

Nicky,that'sGROSS!

NICKY

No,it'snot!

Ifyouweregay

I'dshouthooray!

AndhereI'dstay,

ButIwouldn'tget

inyourway.

Youcancountonme

toalwaysbe

besideyoueveryday,


15/113

totellyouit'sokay,

youwerejustborn

thatway,

and,astheysay,

it'sinyourDNA,

you'regay!

ROD

ButI'mnotgay!

NICKY

IfyouWEREgay.

ROD

Argh!

SCENE2

PRINCETON

HeyGary!Thanksforhelpingmemovein

GARY

Nosweat!Andlook,yougotyourfirst...mail.Whatsintheseboxes?Anythinggood?

PRINCETON

Well,myparentssentmystufffromhome

GARY

Hownice!Andyoualsogotyourrentbill,yourutilitybill,yourstudentloanbill,yourcreditcardbill,

yourphonebill,yourcellphonebill...

PRINCETON

Oh,mygod!

GARY

Yougottagetmoney

PRINCETON

Oh,Illstartworktomorrow

(Thephonerings).


16/113

GARY

GaaaaaryColeman!Oh,itsforyou.

PRINCETON

Oh,thankyou.Hello?Oh,hi!(ToGary)Itsmyjob.(Intothephone)Icantwaittomeetallofyou

tomorrow...oh,Imsorry,Icanbarelyhearyou.Whatsthatsoundinthebackground?Apaper

shreader!But...thecompanycantbefolding!Well,howamIsupposetolive?Hello?

GARY

Oh,kid!Dontlooksolongintheface!Youknowwhattheysay?Ifyourearrangethelettersin

unemployeditspellsopportunity.

PRINCETON

What?!

GARY

Heresabitofadvice.Neverunderestimatethepoweroflongrangeplan.Iflifegetsyoudownjustsiton

yourassandletitpassgoodbye.Takeitfromsomeonewholearntitthehardway.GaryColeman.(He

leaves).

PRINCETON

Maybethisisanopportunity.MaybeImnotmeanttoworkinsomedamnofficefortherestofmylife.

Maybe...maybeIhaveahigherpurpose!

VIDEOVOICE

Whatsapurpose?Apurposeisdirectiontoyourlife.Itcouldbeajob,afamily.Itcouldbethepersuitof

knowledgeorwealth.Everybodyspurposeisdifferent.Thebestthingaboutapurposeisthatitgives

yourlife...meaning.

PRINCETON

Iwantapurpose!

Purpose

PRINCETON

Purpose,

it'sthatlittleflame

thatlightsafire

underyourass.

Purpose,


17/113

itkeepsyougoingstrong

likeacarwithafull

tankofgas.

Everyoneelsehas

apurpose

sowhat'smine?

Ohlook!Here'sapenny!

It'sfromtheyearIwasborn!

It'sasign!

Babababa

Doodoodoodoodoo

Idon'tknowhowIknow,

butI'mgonnafind

mypurpose.

Gottafindout,

don'twannawait!

Gottomakesurethatmy

lifewillbegreat!

Gottafindmypurpose

beforeit'stoolate.

BOXES

Hesgonnafindhispurpose...

PRINCETON

I'mgonnafindmypurpose

couldbefar,couldbenear

couldtakeaweek,

amonth,ayear

Atajob,orsmokinggrass

maybeatapotteryclass!

Coulditbe?

Yesitcould!

Something'scoming,

somethinggood!




18/113

I'mgonnafindit!

Whatwillitbe?Wherewillitbe?

Mypurposeinlifeisamystery

Gottafindmypurpose

Gottafindme.

SCENE3

CE

Mypurposeinlifeistohelppeoplefindthemselves.

BRIAN

Mypurposeinlifeistomakepeoplelaughandmakemoneydoingit.

GARY

MygreatestfearisthatIvealreadyachievedmydamnpurposeinlifeandfromthenonIvebeenona

slowtiresomewalktothegrave.

(KateMonstercomesin).

PRINCETON

Oh,heyKateMonster!

KATE

Princeton!Hi!

PRINCETON

See,Kate.CanIaskyouaquestion?

KATE

Sure

PRINCETON

Whatsyourpurposeinlife?

KATE

Oh!Well..Imakindergartenteachingassistant

PRINCETON

Right.Butwhatsyourpurpose,yourdream,yourmission?


19/113

KATE

Nobodyeverwantstoknowthat

PRINCETON

Ido

KATE

Well,sinceyouask...I...oh,no,Icant.Ibarelyknowyou.

PRINCETON

Oh,comeon!

KATE

Ok.WhenIwasalittlemonsterIalwayswishedIhadaspecialplaceIcouldgo.Aspecialschool,onlyfor

monsters.Sureitsimportanttolearnaboutthegreatfavorsofwesterncivilizationbutsomuchofthe

canonleavesoutmonsterartandhistory.Andwe?Ourdonation?Itwasalwaysmydreamtostartthat

specialschoolformonsters.Sothat,inshort,ismypurpose.

PRINCETON

He!

KATE

Oh,butImnotanedkid.Iliketohavefunand...party!

PRINCETON

So,youareeageronthemonsterstuff.

KATEMONSTER

Aha.

Everyone'saLittleBitRacist

PRINCETON

Well,youknowTrekkieMonsterupstairs?

KATEMONSTER

Uhhuh!

PRINCETON


20/113

Well,he'sTrekkieMonster,andyou'reKateMonster.

KATEMONSTER

Right.

PRINCETON

You'rebothMonsters.

KATEMONSTER

Yeah.

PRINCETON

Areyoutworelated?

KATEMONSTER

What!PrincetonI'msurprisedatyou!Ifindthatracist!

PRINCETON

Oh,well,I'msorry!Iwasjustasking.

KATEMONSTER

Well,it'satouchysubject.Now,nowallMonstersarerelated.

Whatareyoutryingtosay,huh?

Thatwealllookthesametoyou?Huh,huh,huh?

PRINCETON

No,no,no,notatall.I'msorry,Iguessthatwasalittleracist.

KATEMONSTER

Ishouldsayso.Youshouldbemuchmorecarefulwhenyou're

talkingaboutthesensitivesubjectofrace.

PRINCETON

Well,lookwho'stalking!

KATEMONSTER

Whatdoyoumean?

PRINCETON

WhataboutthatspecialMonsterSchoolyoutoldmeabout?

KATEMONSTER


21/113

Whataboutit?

PRINCETON

Couldsomeonelikemegothere?

KATEMONSTER

No,wedon'twantpeoplelikeyou

PRINCETON

Yousee?!

(sung)

You'realittlebitracist.

KATEMONSTER

Well,you'realittlebit,too.

PRINCETON

Iguesswe'rebothalittlebitracist.

KATEMONSTER

Admittingitisnotaneasythingtodo...

PRINCETON

ButIguessit'strue

KATEMONSTER

Betweenmeandyou,Ithink

BOTH

Everyone'salittlebit

racist,sometimes.

Doesn'tmeanwegoaroundcommitting

hatecrimes.

Lookaroundand

youwillfind,

noone'sreally

colorblind.

Maybeit'safact

weallshouldface.

Everyonemakes


22/113

judgments...

basedonrace.

(spoken)

PRINCETON

Notbigjudgments,likewhotohireorwhotobuyanewspaperfrom

KATEMONSTER

No!

PRINCETON

No,justlittlejudgmentslikethinkingthatMexicanbusboys

shouldlearntospeakgoddamnEnglish!

KATEMONSTER

Right!

(sung)

BOTH

Everyone'salittle

bitracist today,

so,everyone'salittle

bigracist okay!

Ethnicjokesmight

beuncouth,

butyoulaughbecause

they'rebasedontruth.

Don'ttakethemas

personalattacks.

Everyoneenjoysthem

sorelax!

(spoken)

PRINCETON

Allright,stopmeifyou'veheardthisone.

There'saplanegoingdownandthere'sonlyoneparachute.

Andthere'sarabbi,apriest...

KATEMONSTER


23/113

...andaBLACKguy!

GARYCOLEMAN

Whatchootalkin'aboutKate?

KATEMONSTER

Uh

GARYCOLEMAN

YouweretellingaBLACKjoke!

PRINCETON

Well,sure,Gary,butlostofpeopletellblackjokes...

GARYCOLEMAN

Idon't.

PRINCETON

Well,ofcourseyoudon't you'reblack!

ButIbetyoutellPolackjokes,right?

GARYCOLEMAN

Well,sureIdo.ThosestupidPolacks!

PRINCETON

Don'tyouthinkthat'salittleracist?

GARYCOLEMAN

Well,damn,Iguessyou'reright.

(sung)

KATEMONSTER

You'realittlebitracist.

GARYCOLEMAN

Well,you'realittlebit,too.

PRINCETON

We'reallalittlebitracist.

GARYCOLEMAN


24/113

IthinkthatIwouldhavetoagreewithyou.

PRINCETON&KATEMONSTER

We'regladyoudo.

GARYCOLEMAN

It'ssad,buttrue!

Everyone'salittlebitracist allright!

Bigotryhasneverbeenexclusivelywhite

ALL

Ifweallcould

justadmit

thatweareracist

alittlebit,

eventhoughweall

knowthatit'swrong,

maybeitwouldhelp

usgetalong!

(spoken)

PRINCETON

Christ,doIfeelgood!

GARYCOLEMAN

Nowtherewasafineupstandingblackman!

PRINCETON

Who?

GARYCOLEMAN

JesusChrist!

KATEMONSTER

ButGary,Jesuswaswhite!

GARYCOLEMAN

No,Jesuswasblack.

KATEMONSTER

No,Jesuswaswhite!


25/113

GARYCOLEMAN

No,I'mprettysureJesuswasblack!

PRINCETON

Guys JesuswasJewish!

BRIAN

Heyguys,whatareyoulaughingabout?

GARYCOLEMAN

Racism!

BRIAN

Cool.

CHRISTMASEVE

Brian!Youcomebackhere!Youtakeoutlecycuraburs!

PRINCETON

What'sthatmean?

BRIAN

Um.Recyclables.

(Everyonelaughs).

Hey,don'tlaughather!Howmanylanguagesdoyouspeak?

KATEMONSTER

Oh,comeoffit,Brian!

(sung)

Everyone'salittlebitracist.

BRIAN

I'mnot!

PRINCETON

Oh,no?


26/113

BRIAN

Nope!Howmanyorientalwiveshaveyougot?

CHRISTMASEVE

What?Brian!

PRINCETON

Brian,buddy,

whereyoubeen?

ThetermisAsianAmerican!

CHRISTMASEVE

Iknowyouare

nointendingtobe,

butcallingme

oriental offensivetome!

(spoken)

BRIAN

I'msorryhoney,Iloveyou.

CHRISTMASEVE

AndIloveyou.

BRIAN

Butyou'reracist,too.

CHRISTMASEVE

Yes,Iknow.

(sung)

TheJewshaveall

themoney

andthewhiteshave

allthepower

andI'malwaysin

taxicabwithdriver

whonoshower!

PRINCETON


27/113

Metoo!

KATEMONSTER

Metoo!

GARYCOLEMAN

Ican'tevengetataxi!

ALL

Everyone'salittlebit

racist,it'strue.

Buteveryoneisjustabout

asracistasyou!

Ifweallcouldjustadmit

thatweareracistalittlebit,

andeveryone

stoppedbeingsoP.C.,

maybewecould

livein harmony!

CHRISTMASEVE

Ev'lyone'saritterbitlacist!

SCENE4

PRINCETON

ThistimeIfeelthatImgettingclosertomypurpose.

VIDEOVOICE

Schoolcrossingguard.

PRINCETON

No,thatsnotme.

VIDEOVOICE

Beautysalontechnician.

PRINCETON

Mmmm...notquiteit.

VIDEOVOICE


28/113

Birthdaypartyclown

PRINCETON

Closer,butstillno.Waitaminute.Ifeelthatisrighthereonthecornerofmymind.Mypurpose...its...

its...

(Thebadideabearscomein).

BADIDEABEARS

Hi,Princeton!Itsuuus.

PRINCETON

Oh,whoareyou?

BIB

Thebadideabears!

BIB

Weareyourfriends!

BIB

Whereareyougoing?

PRINCETON

Ohwell,Imalmostbroke,soImgonnalookforajobtillIfindmypurpose

BIB

Oh!Didthecheckcomeinfromyourfolks?

PRINCETON

Yeah...

BIB

Thenyougotplentyofmoney!

BIB

Youshouldcelebrate!

BIB

Youneedtodosomethingforyou.Buysomebeer!

BIB


29/113

Yeah,buysomebeer!

PRINCETON

Gee...Ishoulntbespendingmyparentsmoneyonbeer.

BIB

Oh...ok...

BIB

Thatmakesmesad...thinkingaboutyounothavinganyfun.

BIB

Imgonnacry.Mm!

BIB

Gosh,Imsad!SomedaysIwishIwasdead...

(Thebadideabearscry)

PRINCETON

Youknow...maybeIcouldafforda...asixpack!

BIB

Yeah!

BIB

Whataboutacase?

BIB

Yeah!

PRINCETON

Acaseofbeer?No,no,Icantgetacase

BIB

Butyouareonabudget!

BIB

Youarewastingmoneyinthelongrunifyoudontbuyinvolt

PRINCETON

Oh!Youreright!Thanksguys,Illgetacase.


30/113

BIB

Yeah!Seeyouaround,Princeton!

(Thebadideabearsleave)

PRINCETON

Seeyouaround,guys!Oh...gosh,arenttheycute?Isgoodtoknowmymakingfriendswillhavemybest

interestinheart.

(Princetonleaves)

SCENE5

(Thephonerings)

KATE

Hello?

MRSTHISTLETWAT

Hello,Catherine,thisisyouremployercalling.

KATE

Hi,Mrs.Thistletwat

MRS.T

Asyoumayknow,Ihaveanappointmenttomorrow,heartreplacementsurgerynextweek,andIneed

youtoteachmyclassinthemorning.Iwillprobablyneeduntilourlunchbreaktorecover.

KATE

Igettoteach,allbymyself?

MRS.T

ItrustyouKatherine.Andyoumaychoosethesubject.

KATE

Wow!!ThanksLividia!

MRS.T.

Katherine,whenyoucallmebymyfirstname,thechildrendontrespectme.

KATE


31/113

SorryMrs.Thisletwat.

MRS.T.

Thankyou!

TheInternetisForPorn

KATEMONSTER

(spoken)

Finally!Igettoteachawholelessonallbymyself!

AndI'mgonnateachsomethingrelevant,something

modern theinternet!

(sung)

Theinternetisreallyreallygreat.

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forporn!

KATEMONSTER

IgotafastconnectionsoIdidn'thavetowait.

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forporn!

KATEMONSTER

There'salwayssomenewsite.

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forporn!

KATEMONSTER

Ibrowsealldayandnight.

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forporn!

KATEMONSTER

It'slikeI'msurfingatthespeedoflight.


32/113

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forporn!

KATEMONSTER

(spoken)

Trekkie!

TREKKIEMONSTER

(sung)

Theinternetisforporn!Theinternetisforporn!

Whydoyouthinkthenetwasborn?

Porn!Porn!Porn!

KATEMONSTER

(spoken)

Trekkie!Whatareyoudoing?

TREKKIEMONSTER

Hello,KateMonster.

KATEMONSTER

Youareruiningmysong.

TREKKIEMONSTER

Oh,mesorry.Menomeanto.

KATEMONSTER

Well,ifyouwouldn'tmind,please,being

quietforaminutesoIcanfinish?

TREKKIEMONSTER

Okeydokey.

KATEMONSTER

Good.

(sung)

I'mgladwehavethisnewtechnology.

TREKKIEMONSTER


33/113

Forporn.Oop!

KATEMONSTER

Whichgivesusuntoldopportunity.

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forporn.Ooops,sorry!

KATEMONSTER

Rightfromyourowndesktop...

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forp.

KATEMONSTER

Youcanresearch,browseandshop...

Untilyou'vehadenoughandyou'rereadytostop!

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forporn!

KATEMONSTER

Trekkie!

TREKKIEMONSTER

Theinternetisforporn!



Meupallnighthonkingme

horntoporn,porn,porn!

KATEMONSTER

(spoken)

That'sgross!You'reapervert!

TREKKIEMONSTER

Ahh,sticksandstones,KateMonster.

KATEMONSTER

No,really,you'reapervert!Normalpeople

don'tsitathomeandlookatpornontheinternet!


34/113

TREKKIEMONSTER

Ohhhhh?

KATEMONSTER

What?

TREKKIEMONSTER

Youhavenoidea.Ready,normalpeople?

BRIAN

Ready!

GARYCOLEMAN

Ready!

ROD

Ready!

TREKKIEMONSTER

Lemmehearit!

(sung)

GUYS

Theinternetisforporn.

PRINCETON

Sorry,Kate!

GUYS


PRINCETON

Imasturbate!

TREKKIEMONSTER

Alltheseguysunziptheirfliesfor...

GUYS

Porn!Porn!Porn!

(spoken)


35/113

KATEMONSTER

Theinternetisnotforporn!

Holdonasecond!

TREKKIEMONSTER

Wha?

KATEMONSTER

Now,Ihappentoknowforafactthatyou,Rod,

checkyourportfolioandtradestocksonline.

ROD

That'scorrect.

KATEMONSTER

AndBrian,youbuythingsonAmazon.com!

BRIAN

Sure.

KATEMONSTER

AndGary,youkeepsellingyourpossessionsoneBay!

GARYCOLEMAN

Yes,Ido!

KATEMONSTER

AndPrinceton,yousentmethatsweetonlinebirthdaycard.

PRINCETON

True.

TREKKIEMONSTER

ButKate...whatyouthinkhedoafter,hmmm?

PRINCETON

Yeah.

KATEMONSTER

Ewww!


36/113

(sung)

GUYS



Grabyourdickanddoubleclick

forporn!Porn!Porn!

Poooorn!

Poooorn!

Theinternetisfor,

internetisfor,

internetisforporn!

KATE

(spokensimultaneously)

Gross!Ihateporn!Ihatemen!

I'mleaving!Ihatetheinternet!

(Theyleave)

SCENE6

CE

HeyRod!Howishanging?

ROD

HeyChristmasEve!Igotyouweddinginvitation

CE

Areyoucoming?

ROD

YeahheresmyRSVP.

BRIAN

(offstage)HeyHoney!Whatsallthisaboutusgettingmarried?

CE

Justthinkofitasasurpriseparty


37/113

BRIAN

Cool!

ROD

Ithinkitswonderfulyouhavesomeonesospecialinyourlife

CE

AreyouokRod?

ROD

ChristmasEveYouareatherapist,right?

CE

IhavetwoMasterDegrees.

ROD

Soyouhelppeoplewhohaveallkindsofproblems

CE

Nobodywantstocometomeforhelping...Imeetwithpeople,wearetalkingforanhour,thentheygo

awayandnevercomeback.AndIwonderwhy?AmIfixingtheminoneappointment?MaybeImtoo

efficient,maybeIshouldspreadmyhelpingout.WhyRod?Doyouneedsomehelping?

ROD

Well...Ihavethisfriend...

CE

Nicky?

ROD

No,otherfriend.AndIthinkhehasaverybigproblem.Ithinkhes...gay.

CE

Whatswrongwiththat?YouknowRod,gaypeoplemakemajorcontributionstoarts,phylosophyand

literatureformanyhundredsofyearsnow...

ROD

Ohbut,myfriendisntanartist.HeisaRepublican....andaninvestmentbanker.

CE

Oh!Tellhimtostayinclosetthen,hesgoodfornothing.


38/113

ROD

Ok...great!...Thanksfortheadvice...

CE

Yeah!Ha,ha!Iwouldntwantafriendlikethat...

ROD

No!...Thanksagain...(ChristmasEveleaves)Shit!

MixTape

KATEMONSTER

Princeton...

Helikesme.

Ithinkhelikesme

Butdoeshe"likeme"

likeme

likeIlikehim?

Willwebefriends,

orsomethingmore?

Ithinkhe'sinterested,

butI'mnotsure.

(spoken)

Comein!

PRINCETON

HiyaKate!

KATEMONSTER

Princeton!Hi!

PRINCETON

Hi!Listen,IwasgoingthroughmyCDsyesterday,

andIkeptcomingacrosssongsIthoughtyou'dlike

soImadeyouthistape.

KATEMONSTER


39/113

Oh,that'ssosweet!CanIgetyouadrink?Orasnack?

PRINCETON

Actually,doyoumindifIuseyourbathroom?

KATEMONSTER

Gorightahead.

PRINCETON

Thankyou!

KATEMONSTER

(sung)

Amixtape.

Hemademeamixtape.

Hewasthinkingofme,

whichshowshecares!

Sometimeswhensomeone

hasacrushonyou

they'llmakeyouamixtape

togiveyouaclue.

Let'ssee...

"You'veGotaFriend"

"TheThemefrom'Friends'"

"That'sWhatFriendsAreFor"

Shit.

Oh,butlook!

"AWholeNewWorld"

"KisstheGirl"

"MyCherieAmour"

Oh,Princeton!Hedoeslikeme!

"IAmtheWalrus"

"FatBottomedGirls"

"YellowSubmarine"

Whatdoesthismean?!

PRINCETON


40/113

(spoken)

HeyKate,youmightwannanotgointhereforawhile.

KATEMONSTER

Princeton,thankyouforthistape,Iwasjustlooking

atsideA.Greatsongs!

PRINCETON

Oh,well,didyougettosideByet?

KATEMONSTER

Notyet.

PRINCETON

Oh,it'sgreat.Checkitout.Righthere...

(sung)

KATEMONSTER

"StuckonYou"

PRINCETON

"LoveMeDo"

KATEMONSTER

"MyHeartWillGoOn"

IlovedTitanic!

PRINCETON

Uhh,itwasallright.

"She'sGotaWay"

KATEMONSTER

"Yesterday"

PRINCETON

"GoodnightSaigon"

FromtheRussiaconcert!

KATEMONSTER

Great.


41/113

"ThroughtheYears"

PRINCETON

"TheThemefrom'Cheers'"

KATEMONSTER

"MovingRightAlong"

Nicetape.

PRINCETON

There'sonemore...

"IHavetoSayILoveYouinaSong"

KATEMONSTER

(spoken)

Princeton,that'ssosweet!I'venevergotten

suchanicepresentfromaguy.

PRINCETON

Awww.Well,I'mgladyoulikeit.ButIhavetogonow.

I'mgonnamakeoneforBrianandChristmasEve,andGary

andNickyandRod,andTrekkieMonster,andeveryone!

KATEMONSTER

Oh.

PRINCETON

Oh,anduh

KATEMONSTER

Yes?

PRINCETON

Whatareyoudoingtonight?

KATEMONSTER

Gradingtermpapers.Butit'skindergartensothey'reveryshort.Why?

PRINCETON

Everyone'sgoingtohearthissingerattheAroundtheClockCafe.

Doyouwanttogowithme?


42/113

KATEMONSTER

Like,adate?

PRINCETON

Sure!Adate.It'llbeablast.

KATEMONSTER

I'dlovetocome!

PRINCETON

Okay!Well,I'llseeyouthen.

KATEMONSTER

Okay!

PRINCETON

Okay,bye.

KATEMONSTER

Bye!

Helikesme!

SCENE7

I'mNotWearingUnderwearToday

BRIAN

I'mnotwearingunderweartoday.

No,I'mnotwearingunderweartoday.

Notthatyouprob'lycare

muchaboutmyunderwear,

still,nonetheless,Igottasay

thatI'mnotwearingunderweartodaaaay!

CHRISTMASEVE


43/113

Getajob!

BRIAN

Thankyouhoney!But...aah...dontmoveamuscle,ladiesandgentlemen,wellberightbackwithour

headlineperformer.

GARY

So,Trekkie,youneverleaveyourappartment.Whatmadeyoudragyourfurryassdownhere?

TREKKIE

Mmmm...Meseepicturesofnextsingerontheinternet.Ho,ho,ho.

(KateandPrincetoncomein).

PRINCETON

Look,theresanemptytable.

KATE

Letsgrabit.

PRINCETON

Ladiesfirst.

KATE

Oh...youresuchagentleman,Princeton.

PRINCETON

Oh,youtoo.Imean...youlookaknockouttonight.

KATE

You...

BRIAN

Soheresthewomanyouallcametosee.TheAroundtheClockisproudtopresentfreshfromherworld

tour,headlininginAmsterdam,Bangkok,andCelebrationFloridapleasegiveawarmhandtothestarof

GirlsGoneWildpartstwo,fiveandsevenLucytheSlut!

Special

LUCY

Icanmakeyoufeel


44/113

special.

Whenitsuckstobeyou.

Letmemakeyoufeel

special.

Foranhourortwo.

Yourlifesaroutine

thatrepeatseachday.

Noonecareswhoyouare

orwhatyousay.

Andsometimesyoufeel

likeyourenobody,

butyoucanfeellike

somebodywithme.

PRINCETON

Wow!

LUCY

Yeah,theyrereal.

Whenweretogether

theearthwillshake

andthestarswillfall

intothesea.

Socomeon,baby,

letdownyourguard.

Whenyourdatesin

thebathroom,

Illslipyoumycard.

Icantelljustbylooking

thatyouvegotithard

Forme!Forme!

Forme!Forme!

Forme!Forme!

Icantelljustbylooking

thatyouareespecially

hardforme!

LUCY


45/113

Thankyou,gentlemen!HaveafewdrinksandIsurehopeyouenjoyedmysong.

(Sheleaves.TrekkiefollowsherandBrianstopshim).

BRIAN

No,Trekkie

TREKKIE

Oh,butBrian...

BRIAN

No....

TREKKIE

Oh...meIcanhardlyhold!Oh!!!(Heleaves).

PRINCETON

ThatLucyissomething,isntshe?

KATE

Sheissomething...

PRINCETON

Oh,Kate,canIgetyouadrink?

KATE

Illgetawater.Igotaclasstoteachtomorrow.Itsabigday!TheteacherImassistingisgoingintothe

hospitaltomorrowmorningsoIhavetheentireclasstomyself.AndifIdowellitcouldmeanabig

carreerboost.

(Thebadideabearscomein).

BIBS

Heyguys!

BIB

WebroughtyousomeLongIslandicedtea!

KATE

Oh!Youaresoadorable!Whoareyou?

BIB


46/113

(Bender!)

BIB

(Brad!)

BIB

Haveadrink,Kate.

KATE

Oh...no,thankyou.

BIB

Justalittle,littlesip.

KATE

Ireallyshouldnt.

BIB

ButitsonlyaLongIslandicedtea.

BIB

Theyresosweetanddelicious.

BIBS

Please!!!

KATE

Oh,onesipcanthurt.Cheers,Princeton!

PRINCETON

Cheers!Herestoyou,KateMonster!

BIBS

Yeah!!

KATE

Thatsdelicious!

BIB

Whydontyouplayadrinkinggame?Thatsamazinglyfun!

KATE


47/113

Idontknowanydrinkinggames.Doyou,Princeton?

BIB

Iknowone!ItscalledIprobablycandrinkfasterthanyoucan.

BIBS

One,two,three,go!!!

(Theydrink).

BIBS

Yeah!!

BIB

Itwasatie!

BIB

Rematch!

KATE

Gosh,thats

BIBS

Haveanotherround!

KATE

Illgetthenextone,Princeton!

PRINCETON

Great!

KATE

Illbebackinasec.

BIB

Butthistime,Kate,letsgetlarges!

KATE

Oooookeeeyy!!!!

BIB

Ok,Princeton,howsthedategoing?Ha!


48/113

PRINCETON

Prettywell,Ithink...

BIB

Well,youjusthanginthere,littleman.Youregonnagetsomething,yougottakeepworkingatit.Just

keepyoureyeontheprize.Ha,ha,ha.Uuhh,wow!Lookwhoscoming!

(Lucycomesin).

LUCY

Whatsup?

PRINCETON

Hi,ImPrinceton.

LUCY

Lucy.Man,Imbeat!IstillhaventfiguredoutwhereImgonnacrashtonight...

BIB

Inabush!

LUCY

AllIneedisawarmmattress,youknow.

PRINCETON

Well,minesprettycoldusually.

LUCY

Itwouldntbecoldforlong.

(Katecomesback).

KATE

Aha,ha...Thedrinkswillbehererightover,Princeton.Ha,ha..ahaaa...

LUCY

IllhaveaScotchontherocks.

KATE

Imnotawaitress.


49/113

PRINCETON

Oh,Lucy,IdlikeyoutomeetKateMonster.

LUCY

Oh,youredatingamonster.Idatedamonsteronce,butIgotsickofpickingthefuroutofmyteeth.

KATE

Well,ifyourteetharetheproblem,Icouldtakeoutacouple.

PRINCETON

Ok,Lucy,itwasnicetalkingtoyou.

LUCY

Ok,havefunwithyourmonster.Butwhenyouarereadyforarealwomanyouknowwheretofindme.

(Sheleaves).

PRINCETON

Oh,man,Kate,Imsorry.

KATE

No,Iunderstand.Youreirresistible.

PRINCETON

Shejustknowsshecantcomparetoyou.

KATE

Ithinkyouarewonderful,Princeton.

PRINCETON

Youarenotbadyourself,Kate.

YouCanBeasLoudastheHellYouWant(WhenYou'reMakingLove)

(Spoken).

BADIDEABEAR#1

Takeherhome!

BADIDEABEAR#2

She'swasted!


50/113

PRINCETON

Pleasecutthatout!...Kate,Kate!

KATE

Mmmmm?

PRINCETON

I...Ithinkyoulookreallybeautifultonight.

KATE

OhPrinceton!YoulooksohandsomeIcouldeatyoualive!(Shejumpsonhim,theystartkissing).

BADIDEABEARS

Yaaaayyy!

KATEMONSTER

MyGod,Princeton!Rightthere!Rightthere!

That'sthespot that'sthespot! okay,

alittlelower okay,nowtotheleft

no,myleft ohhhhhhhh!

PRINCETON

Oh,myGod,Kate,noone'severtouchedme

likethisbefore youcan'tputyourfingerthere

Ooh,putyourfingerthere!

BOTH

Ohyeah!

(Theydiveunderthecovers.LightsuponGaryColemanwho'slisteningin).

(Sung).

GARYCOLEMAN

Youcanbeasloudas

thehellyouwant

whenyou'remakinglove.

Youcanbeasloudas

thehellyouwant


Youcanbeasloudas


51/113

thehellyouwant


GARYANDBEARS

Youcanbeasloudas

thehellyouwant...

KATEMONSTER

(Screaminginpleasure)

Aaaaaahhh!

PRINCETON

Yaaaaaaahhh!

(aphonerings,Garypicksitup)

(spoken)

GARY

GaryColeman.

Youhearwhat? Hellno,Iwon'ttellthemtoquietdown!

(PrincetonandKatepopupfromunderthecovers)

KATEMONSTER

Arewebeingtooloud?

PRINCETON

Yeah,arewebotheringsomeone?

GARYCOLEMAN

Oh,no,notatall,kids.

Youkeepdoingwhatyou'redoing.

BADIDEABEARS

Yeah!Louder!

(sung)

GARYCOLEMAN

You'renotallowedto

beloudatthelibrary,


52/113

attheartmuseumor

ataplay

Butwhenyouand

yourpartneraredoin'thenasty

don'tbehavelikeyou're

attheballet!

'Causeyoucanbeasloud

asthehellyouwant


Youcanbeasloud

asthehellyouwant


Don'tlettheneighbors

stopyoufromhavin'fun,

they'llhavepeaceand

quietwhenyou're

goodanddone.

ALL

Beasloudas

thehellyouwant

whenyou'remakinglove!

(heavybreathing)

Loudasthehellyouwant...

KATEMONSTER

Faster,Princeton!

CHRISTMASEVE

Brian,slowdown!Thisnotarace!

ALL


PRINCETON

Oh,YEAH!

BRIAN

Who'syourdaddy?


53/113

CHRISTMASEVE

What??Brian!!

ALL



GARYCOLEMAN

Smackitandlickitandrub

itandsuckit!

ALL


CHRISTMASEVE

Yes!Workyourmama!

ALL

Loudasthehellyou

KATEMONSTER

Ohyeah,that'sit!

BRIAN

Ooh,babe!

TREKKIEMONSTER

(enjoyinghimself)Uuuuuhh!

ALL

Loudasthehellyou...(x7)

want!

MALEVIDEOVOICE

Come...

FEMALEVIDEOVOICE

...mmitment.

MALEVIDEOVOICE


54/113

Come...

FEMALEVIDEOVOICE

...mmitment.

MALEVIDEOVOICE

Come...

FEMALEVIDEOVOICE

...mmitment.

FEMALEVIDEOVOICE

Commitment!

SCENE8

FantasiesComeTrue

(Rodisawakeinbed,whileNickysnores)

(spoken)

ROD

Itsurecangetlonelyatnight.Nicky,youawake?

NICKY(asleep)

Isthataunicorn?

ROD

Oh,he'stalkinginhissleepagain.

NICKY

No,I'llwearthepurpleshoes.Whopaintedthekitten?

ROD

MaybeIshouldjustshakehim.

NICKY

Iloveyou,Rod.

ROD

Whatdidyousay?


55/113

NICKY

Iloveyourlittlelaugh.

ROD

Nicky,areyouawake?

NICKY

Takeoffyourshirt.

ROD

OhNicholas!Haveyoubeenshyallthistime?

Havewebeenhidingfromeachother?Iwonder...

(sung)

AllthosenightsIlayinbed,

thoughtsofyou

runningthroughmyhead...

NICKY

Iknow putmyearmuffsonthecookie...

ROD

ButIneverthoughtthethingsinmyhead

couldreallyhappeninmybed.

NICKY

YoulooklikeDavidHasselhoff...

ROD

Allthoseyears

Imissedthesigns,

couldn'tread

betweenthelines.

Who'dhavethought

Iwouldseetheday

whereI'dhearyousay

whatIheardyousay?

AndnowIfind

whatwasalwaysinmymind


56/113

wasinyourmind,too.

Fantasiescometrue!

AndnowIseethatwhatI'vealways

dreamedofwasmeanttobe...

youandme,meandyou!

Fantasiescometrue!

Youandmelivedinfantasy,

butsoonwe'llbeareality.

(ThesceneswitchestoKateshouse.SheswithPrincetoninbed)..

(spoken)

PRINCETON

Kate,thatwasamazing.

KATEMONSTER

You'reamazing.

PRINCETON

Iwantyoutohavethis.It'sapennyIcarryaroundwithmeforgoodluck.

It'sfromtheyearIwasborn,see?Whoknows,maybeit'llbring

yougoodluck.Itdidforme!Ifoundyou.

(sung)

PRINCETON

Iwantyoutoknow

thetimethatwe'vespent,

howgreatit'sbeen,

howmuchit'smeant.

KATEMONSTER

Gosh,Idon'tknow

whattosay.

I'mreallygladyoufeel

thatway.

'CauseI'mafraidthat

IlikeyoumorethanIever


57/113

likedanyguybefore.

RODANDKATE

'Causenow,mylove,

I'mgettingwhatI've

alwaysbeendreamingof!

ROD

Soareyou!

KATEMONSTER

OH,baby!

RODANDKATE

Fantasiescometrue!

AndnowIswearthat

whenyouwantme,

I'mgonnaberightthere

tocareforyou...

KATEMONSTER

That'swhatI'mgonnado...

RODANDKATE

Andmakeyourfantasies

cometrue...

ROD

Fantasiescometrue.

ThesceneswitchesbacktoRodsbedroom.

(Rodawakens,Nickyispokinghim)

NICKY

Hey,Rodbuddy!Youweretalkinginyoursleep.

ROD

IthoughtyouweretalkinginYOURsleep!

NICKY


58/113

No,Ijustcametobed.Youweredreaming,isall.

ROD

Oh.

NICKY

Itsoundedlikeanicedream,though.

ROD

Yes.Itwasanicedream.

NICKY

Goodnight.

ROD

Goodnight,Nicky.

SCENE9

(AtKates.ShesinbedwithPrinceton.Thephonerings,Katepicksitup.ItsMrs.T)

KATE

Hello...

MRS.T.

GoodafternoonKatherine.Youmayrecallthatyouweresupposedtoteachmyclassthismorning,while

Ihadmyheartreplaced!!

KATE

OhmyGod!

MRS.T.

Youleftthechildrenunattendedforthreehours!Theycreatedtheirowntribalvarietywhichwere

abouttosacrificepoorlittleBritney.Wherewereyou!

KATE

I...Ioverslept!Imsosorry!

MRS.T.

Ishouldneverhavehiredamonster!

KATE


59/113

What?!

MRS.T.

Yourraceisnotoriouslylazy!

KATE

Well...betteramonsterthanacrabbyoldbitch!Ooooh...

MRS.T.

Crabbyoldbitchesarethepartofthisnation!IregretthedayIhiredyou!!

KATE

Well...thatsok,becauseIquit!!

MRS.T.

No,Illfireyou.

KATE

WellyoucantfiremebecauseIquit!

MRS.T.

Youareonyour...Katherine!

KATE

Seeyouthen!(Shehungsup).WasItoomean?

PRINCETON

Goodforyou!

KATE

Ihateitworkingforher!Icangetbyonmysavingsforawhile,andpersuewhatIreallywantinmylife.

PRINCETON

Yourschool!

KATE

Yes.

PRINCETON

IthinkyouarereallybraveKate.

KATE


60/113

Yeah!

PRINCETON(nods)

Listen...AreyougoingtoBrianandChristmasEveswedding?

KATE

Ofcourse.

PRINCETON

Iwasthinking......wecould...youknow...gotogether.

KATE

Ohmygosh!WellitseemslikeIalwaysgotoweddingsalone...IdontknowwhatIddoifIwentwith

a...a...

PRINCETON

...withaboyfriend?

KATE

Yeah...

PRINCETON

Well,comewithme...

KATE

Well,thatwouldbegreat!(shestartssobbing).

PRINCETON

Well,areyouokKate?

KATE

Yeah...Yeah...Ijustgetfurinmyeyessometimes...

(Theykiss)

SCENE10

(TheWedding).

ROD

Didyoubringacap?


61/113

NICKY

What?!

ROD

Wereofftomass...

NICKY

But...

ROD

Chist!

PRINCETON

Kate,youlookbeautifultonight!

KATE

Thankyou!

GARY

Andbythepowerinvestedinme...GaryColeman,Inowpronounceyouhusbandandwife.

CE

ALL

Mazeltov!

NICKY

Thatwasbeautiful!Wasntit,Rod?

ROD

Gee,theyresoluckytohaveeachother!

NICKY

Areyouupset,Rod?

ROD

Nicky...Ineedamomenttomyself,ok?

NICKY

No,buddy,talktome!Tellmewhatsthematter.


62/113

BRIAN

Hey,whatsupwithRod?

GARY

Yeah!Hesurehasbeendowninthedumpslately.

CE

Hey,Rodney!Youneedagirlfriend.

GARY

Agirlfriend?Yougottobekidding,right?

CE

Henotsougly.

GARY

No,butIwasthinkingRodwasoneofthosegays.

CE

Rodisgay?

BRIAN

Ibet,Nickywouldknow.Hey,Nicky!Comeoverhere!

NICKY

Sure,guys,whatsup?

CE

WewonderingifRodisagay.

NICKY

Well,itsfunnyyoushouldaskbecauseIdothinkRodisgay.Ialwayshave.But,youknow,Ifiguredifhe

wantedtotellme,hewould.So,yes,definetly,IwouldsaythatmybuddyRodisaclosetedhomosexual.

ROD

Nicky!Howcouldyousaythataboutme?

NICKY

Oh,hi,Rod!AllIsaidwasthat,yes,definetly,mybuddyRodhasanundescendedtesticle.

ROD

Aaahhh!!Nooo!!!!Iheardyou!


63/113

NICKY

I...Imsorry,Rod.

ROD

Mmm...mmm...mmm...WellIamnotaclosetedhomowhatever.Well,Iveawholelifethatnoneof

youdknowabout.Notevenyou,Nicky.

NICKY

Youdo,Rod?

ROD

SureIdo.Forexample...I...

MyGirlfriend,WhoLivesInCanada

ROD

Iwishyoucouldmeetmy

girlfriend,mygirlfriend

wholivesinCanada.

Shecouldn'tbesweeter,

Iwishyoucouldmeether,

mygirlfriendwholives

inCanada!

HernameisAlberta,

shelivesinVancouver.

Shecookslikemymother

andsuckslikeahoover.

Iemailhereverysingle

day,justtomakesure

thateverything'sokay.

It'sapityshelivesso

faraway,inCanada!

Laaaaaastweekshewas

here,butshehadtheflu.

Toobaaaaaad

'causeIwantedtointroducehertoyou.

It'ssosaaaaaaaaad


64/113

Therewasn'tathingthatshecoulddo

butstayinbed,

withherlegsupoverherhead!

Oh!

Iwishyoucouldmeet

mygirlfriend,

butyoucan't,

becausesheisinCanada.

Iloveher,Imissher,

Ican'twaittokissher,

sosoonI'llbeofftoAlberta!

ImeanVancouver!

Shit!HernameisAlberta,

shelivesinVancou

She'smygirlfriend!

Mywonderfulgirlfriend!

Yes,Ihaveagirlfriend,

wholivesinCanada!!

(spoken)

AndIcan'twaittoeatherpussyagain!

GARY

Well,everyoneshakethatmovin,yessir.WhatabusydayaheadforGaryColeman.(Heleaves).

CE

Maybewegotobuffet.

BRIAN

Yeah!Imstarving!

KATE

Welljoinyou.

NICKY

Oh...WhatdoyouhavetosayRod?CauseIdstillbeyourbuddyevenifyouweregay.


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ROD

Nicky,IwantyououtoftheappartmentwhenIgetthere.

NICKY

What?Youare...kickingmeout?!Hehe!!

ROD

YoucanliveintheparkforallIcare!

NICKY

Oh,butRod...I...oh...Ididntmakeyoumadonpurpose.

PRINCETON

Purpose!

CE

Ithrowbouquetinfewminutes,KateMonster,Ihaveayoungerhusbandforyou...

KATE

Oh,ChristmasEve!

CE

Imightthrowbouquettoyouonpurpose.

PRINCETON

Purpose!

KATE

Oh,Princeton,Ihavesomuchfunwithyou!

PRINCETON

Yeah,metoo.

KATE

Hey,whatareyoudoingtomorrow?

PRINCETON

Gosh,itfeelslikeImforgettingsomething?

KATE

Oh,shesthrowingthebouquet!Illberightback!(Sheleaves)


66/113

PRINCETON

Purpose!Purpose!

(Princetonsnightmareaboutmarriage).(Katecomesback).

KATE

Icaughtthebouquet,Princeton!Well,somelittlegirlcaughtit,butshewasntverystrong!

PRINCETON

Yeah...

KATE

Areyoualright?

PRINCETON

Oh...Kate,IhavesomethingIneedtosay.

KATE

Princeton,youcantellmeanything.

PRINCETON

Listen,whenImovedtoAvenueQ,Iwaslookingformypurpose.

KATE

Iremember.

PRINCETON

And...wevebeenspendingsomuchtimetogetherandIlosttracktofindingit.

KATE

Aha...

PRINCETON

IdontwannabenomanwholooksbackandrealizeIveneverfoundmyreasontobealive.

KATE

So...

PRINCETON

Yeah...

KATE


67/113

Soyoudontwanttospendtimewithmeanymore?

PRINCETON

No,no,Ilovebeingwithyou.

KATE

Oh,good,becauseIthoughtyoumeant...

PRINCETON

ButIdontwantagirlfriendbeforeIfindmymissioninlife.

KATE

Butyousaid...

PRINCETON

Look,Icant,Imtieddownnow,Kate.Ifwestaytogether,believeme,wellneverevenbefriendsinthe

end.

KATE

ButImnotlookingforfriends.Ihaveplentyonfriends.

PRINCETON

Youlikeme,dontyou?

KATE

Well...yesIdo.AndIthinkthatswhyyoushouldgetoutofhere.

PRINCETON

Youmeanleave?

KATE

Unlessyouhaveanotherdefinitionforgetoutofhere.

(Heleaves)

There'saFine,FineLine

KATEMONSTER

There'safine,fineline

betweenalover,andafriend.


68/113


betweenreality,andpretend;

Andyouneverknow'tilyoureachthetop

ifitwasworththeuphillclimb.


betweenlove,

andawasteoftime


betweenafairytale,andalie.

Andthere'safine,fineline

between"you'rewonderful"and"goodbye".

Iguessifsomeonedoesn'tloveyouback

itisn'tsuchacrime

Butthere'safine,fineline

betweenlove,

andawasteofyourtime

AndIdon'thavethetimetowasteonyouanymore.

Idon'tthinkthatyouevenknowwhatyou'relookingfor.

FormyownsanityI'vegottoclosethedoor

Andwalkaway...

Oh...


betweentogether,andnot.

Andthere'safine,fineline

betweenwhatyouwanted,

andwhatyougot.

Yougottagoafterthethingsyouwant

whileyou'restillinyourprime.


betweenlove,

andawasteoftime.

ACTTWO


69/113

Scene1

PRINCETON

Purpose!Puuuuurpose!

BIB

...Less

PRINCETON

Whosaidthat?Purpose!

BIB

Less!

BIB

Purposeless!

PRINCETON

Purpose!

BIBS

Purpose....less

PRINCETON

Ok,whosdoingthat?

BIB

Hi,Princeton!Youhavetocomearound!

BIB

Yeah...Youlooksoblue!

BIB

Tryalittlesmile!

BIB

Iwanttoseealittlesmile!

BIB

Oh,comeon,Princeton!

PRINCETON


70/113

Sorry,guys,it`snotgonnawork.

BIB

Justdoitasafriend

BIB

Yeah,justdoitorwellbesad!

PRINCETON

Itsnotworking

BIB

Well,youcanalwayshangyourself!

BIB

(Looksforaropebackstage)Yeah!Wefoundthisrope.

PRINCETON

Imnotgoingtohangmyself!

BIBS

Oohh!

PRINCETON

Canyoujustgoaway?

BIB

Well,hesnotinagoodday.Well,wellleavetherope.Justincase.(Theyleave).

Briancomesin.

ThereisLifeOutsideYourApartment

(spoken)

BRIAN

Princeton!

PRINCETON

Yeah.


71/113

BRIAN

Listen,buddy,nobody'sseenyafortwoweeks.What'supwiththat?

PRINCETON

Iwenttoworkforatempagency,andtheyfiredmeforbeingtoo

depressingonthephone.Imaxedoutmycards.I'mtwomonths

behindinrent.Itotallymessedupmypersonallife.Oh,andBrian

Istillhaven'tfoundmypurpose!

BRIAN

Allright.Getoffyourassandstopworrying!Everyone'sgetting

togethertomessaroundthecitytoday.

PRINCETON

Havefun.

BRIAN

WhenIsay"everyone",thatincludesyou!

(sung)

Thereislifeoutsideyourapartment

Iknowit'shardtoconceive,

butthere'slifeoutsideyourapartment,

andyou'reonlygonnaseeitifyouleave.

Thereiscoolshittodo,

butitcan'tcometoyou.

Andwhoknows,dude,

youmightevenscore!

Thereislifeoutsideyourapartment,

butyou'vegottoopenthedoor!

(spoken)

PRINCETON

No,thanks,I'mstayingin.

BRIAN

Don'ttellmeIgottaforceyou.

PRINCETON


72/113

Sorry!

BRIAN

Allrighteveryone!He'sresisting!

(ChristmasEve,TrekkieMonster,GaryandNickypickPrincetonupanddraghimoutside)

(sung)

ALLBUTPRINCETON

Thereislifeoutside...

thereislifeoutside...



yourapartment!

There'sapigeonsquashedonthestreet.

CHRISTMASEVE

Eww.

BRIAN

There'sagirlpassingby

NICKY

No,Ithinkit'saguy

ALLBUTPRINCETON

Andahomelessmanwhoonlywants

tobuysomethingtoeat!

Sorry!Can'thelpyou!

ALLBUTPRINCETON

Wecouldgotothezoo!

TREKKIEMONSTER

PickupgirlsatNYU!

BRIAN

Wecouldsitintheparksmokingpot!

CHRISTMASEVE

Ornot!


73/113

ALLBUTPRINCETON


PRINCETON

Well,IguessI'llgiveitashot!

(*gunshot*,everyonescreamsandruns)

ALL


Iknow

(*loudjackhammer* theycovertheirearsandswear)


(theylookupinhorror)

OFFSTAGEVOICE

I'mgonnajump!

ALL

Don'tdoit!

OFFSTAGEVOICE

Okay!

ALL

Thereiscoolshittodo

butitcan'tcometoyou

Socomeon

(*carscreechestoahalt*)

OFFSTAGEVOICE

Getoutofthewayasshole!

PRINCETON

Fuckyou!

ALL


74/113

Thereislifeoutsideyourapartment!

Oh,youneverknowwhat'saroundthebend.

Youcouldwinthelottoormakeafriend...

(Lucyenters,theguyseyeherandturntoPrinceton)

GUYS

Takeherhometoseeyourapartment...

LUCY

Doyouwannafeelspecial?

GUYS

Special!

LUCY

Icanseethatyoudo.

GUYS

Oooohwah!

LUCY

Well,Icanmakeyoufeel...special

ifyouletmefeelyou.

GUYS

She'llfeelyou!

LUCY

Where'syourpad?

PRINCETON

Nottoofar!

GUYS

Wecouldcallyouacar!

PRINCETON

We'llbefine,thankyou!Seeya!

CHRISTMASEVE

Hopeyoudon'tgetgonorrhea!


75/113

ALL

There'slifeoutsideyourapartment...

PRINCETONANDLUCY

Butnowit'stimetogohome!

GROUP

Thereislifeoutsideyourapartment...

PRINCETON

It'stimetogohome!

GROUP


LUCY

Icanmakeyoufeelspecial...

GROUP


ALL

Butnowit'stimetogohome

TREKKIEMONSTER

Forporn!

Scene2

PRINCETON

Oh,hi,KateMonster!

KATE

Goodevening.

PRINCETON

Hi...Ihaventseenyouaround...

KATE


76/113

Mm...ha!

LUCY

Youregonnashowmeupstairs?

PRINCETON

Yeah,onesecond,ok,Lucy?

LUCY

Sure,baby!Dontletmymotoridletoolong!(Sheleaves)

KATE

Sheafriendofyours?

PRINCETON

Yeah...

KATE

IshernamePurpose?

PRINCETON

Aah...listen,Kate...Igottago.

KATE

Havefun!

Princetonleaves.ChristmasEvecomesin.

CE

Whatsthematter,Katemonster?

KATE

IhatePrinceton.HeswiththatLucy!

CE

Oh,thatevilgirl?Shesskanky.ButthatdontmakePrincetonbadperson,Katemonster.

KATE

Idontknowanymore.

CE

Butyoustillfeelingforhim,dontyou?


77/113

KATE

Idofeelingforhim.

CE

Sometimespersonneedtimeforlearning.Peoplealwayslearning,allthroughtheirlives.Lookatmama

bird.Shepushbabyoutofnestandthatsit.Ifbabybirdfly,goodforbaby!Ifbabybirdfallandcracks

headongroundandgetseatenbyacatthenheneedtodobetternexttime.

TheMoreYouRuvSomeone

(spoken)

KATEMONSTER

Whycan'tpeoplegetalongandloveeachother,ChristmasEve?

CHRISTMASEVE

Youthinkgettingalongsameasloving?Sometimesloverightwhereyouhatingmost,KateMonster.

KATEMONSTER

Huh?

(sung)

CHRISTMASEVE

Themoreyoulovesomeone,

themoreyouwanttokill'em.

Themoreyoulovesomeone

themorehemakeyoucry.

Thoughyouaretry

formakingpeace

withthemandloving,

that'swhyyoulove

sostrongyouliketo

makehimdie!


themorehemakeyoucrazy.



78/113

themoreyouwishinghimdead!

Sometimeyoulookat

himandonlyseefatandlazy.

Andwantingbaseballbat

forhittinghimonhishead!

Love...

KATEMONSTER

Love...

CHRISTMASEVE

Andhate...

KATEMONSTER

Andhate...

CHRISTMASEVE

Theyliketwobrothers...

KATEMONSTER

Brothers...

CHRISTMASEVE

Whogoonadate.

KATEMONSTER

Who...what?

CHRISTMASEVE

Whereoneofthemgoes,

otheronefollows.

Youinvitinglove

healsobringingsorrows.

KATEMONSTER

Ah,yes.

CHRISTMASEVE

Themoreyoulovesomeone,

themoreyouwanttokill'em.


79/113

Lovingandkilling

fitlikehandinglove!

Soiftheresomeone

youarewanting

sotokill'em,

yougoandfindhim,

andyougethim,

andyounokillhim,

causechancesgood...

CHRISTMASEVEANDKATE

Heisyourlove.

KATE

DearPrinceton,itwasgoodtoseeyouyesterday.Princeton,ImsorryaboutwhathappenedbutIdlove

toworkthingsoutwithyou.ImgoingtovisittheviewingplatformattheEmpireStatebuildingat

midnighttonightandIdloveforyoutocome.Canyoumeetmethere?Ifnot,pleasecallandletme

know.Otherwise,guessIllseeyouthere.Yours,Katemonster.

VIDEOVOICE

Onenightstands.

Onenightstand.

Onenightstands.

Scene3

KATE

Oh!Itsyou!

LUCY

Areyouthecleaninglady?

KATE

Iwillnotrisetoyourbait.WhereisPrinceton?

LUCY

Heis...finishingupintheshower.Youneedsomethin?

KATE

Iwanttoleavehimthisnote.Thatsall.


80/113

LUCY

Ha!Oh,thatkidcanbebusyallnight...Heygirl!Doyoumindchekinguptoseeifthereareanyscratch

marksonmyback?

KATE

Oh!Yes!Iseethem.Itlooksliketheysayhelpme!(Sheleaves).

LUCY

(toPrincetonoffstage)Heykid,almostdoneinthere?

PRINCETON

Yeah...Imdryingup.

LUCY

Hedoesntneedtobemessingwithsomemonster!(Shetearstheletter).

Scene4

(BrianandNickycomein)

NICKY

Itsbeenahardfewweeks,Brian,afterRodkickedmeout.Iwantedtosay,thankyouforlettingme

stayingwithyouandyourlovelybride.

BRIAN

Actually,Iwantedtotalkwithyouaboutthat.

CEcomesin

CE

Brian,youtellhimtogo!

BRIAN

Honey...

CE

Inodoyourhousework!Inocookforyouandcleanforyouandpickupallyourmessing!Whatifhe

thinkusarehiscleaninglady!ThismorningItakeashowerandIpickupsoapandIsay:whoputthe

strangepubichairsonsoap?Itdontbelongtome,itdontbelongtoBrian,whothencoulditbe?I

abouttokillhim!Goaway!(Sheleaves)


81/113

NICKY

But...but...I...

BRIAN

Sorry,buddy.

NICKY

Idontknowwheretogo!

BRIAN

Well,youcanstaywithPrinceton!Or...Kate?

NICKY

Ididalready,andtheykickedmeouttoo.

BRIAN

Theresgottobesomeonewhocanhelpyouout,buddy.Sorry.(Heleaves)

Garyhascomein

NICKY

Well...ha,ha...Goodeveningthere,Gary!

GARY

Hi,Nicky!

NICKY

Listen,Gary,IvenoplacetostayandIwaswonderingifIcouldjust,youknow,sleeponyourfloor,just

forthenight...

GARY

Isee..howabout...NO!

NICKY

Oh,Iveaskedeveryoneandifyoudonttakeme,wherewillIlive?

GARY

Howaboutonthestreet?

NICKY

YoumeanIshouldbehomeless?


82/113

GARY

Sure

NICKY

Oh,thatsaterriblewaytolive!

GARY

Oh,yeah?Trybeingthatonagefifteen.Look,kid,Iknowaboutlivinginthedumps.Butlookatthe

brightside.Thinkofallthejoyyoullbringtoothersiftheyfindoutjusthowmiserableyouare.

NICKY

What?

Schadenfreude

GARYCOLEMAN

Rightnowyouare

downandoutand

feelingreallycrappy

NICKY

I'llsay.

GARYCOLEMAN

AndwhenIseehow

sadyouare

itsortofmakesme...

happy!

NICKY

Happy?!

GARYCOLEMAN

Sorry,Nicky,humannature

nothingIcando!

It's...

schadenfreude!

Makingmefeelglad

thatI'mnotyou!


83/113

(spoken)

NICKY

Wellthat'snotverynice,Gary!

GARYCOLEMAN

Ididn'tsayitwasnice!Buteverybodydoesit!

(sung)

D'jaeverclapwhena

waitressfallsanddrops

atrayofglasses?

NICKY

Yeah...

GARYCOLEMAN

Anditain'titfunto

watchfigureskaters

fallingdownontheirasses?

NICKY

Sure!

GARYCOLEMAN

Anddon'tchafeelall

warmandcozy,

watchingpeople

outintherain!

NICKY

Youbet!

GARYCOLEMAN

That's...

GARYANDNICKY

Schadenfreude!

GARYCOLEMAN

Peopletakingpleasureinyourpain!


84/113

(spoken)

NICKY

Oh,schadenfreude,huh?What'sthat,somekindaNaziword?

GARYCOLEMAN

Yup!It'sGermanfor"happinessatthemisfortuneofothers!"

NICKY

"Happinessatthemisfortuneofothers."ThatISGerman!

(sung)

Watchingavegetarian

beingtoldshejust

atechicken

GARYCOLEMAN

Orwatchinga

fratboyrealize

justwhatheputhisdickin!

NICKY

Beingonanelevator

whensomebodyshouts

"Holdthedoor!"

GARYANDNICKY

"NO!"

Schadenfreude!

GARYCOLEMAN

"Fuckyoulady,that'swhatstairsarefor!"

NICKY

Oooh,howabout...

StraightAstudentsgettingBs?

GARYCOLEMAN

ExesgettingSTDs!


85/113

NICKY

Wakingdoormenfromtheirnaps!

GARYCOLEMAN

Watchingtouristsreadingmaps!

NICKY

Footballplayersgettingtackled!

GARYCOLEMAN

CEOsgettingshackled!

NICKY

Watchingactorsneverreach

GARYANDNICKY

TheendingoftheirOscarspeech!

Schadenfreude!

Schadenfreude!

Schadenfreude!

Schadenfreude!

GARYCOLEMAN

Theworldneedspeoplelikeyouandme

who'vebeenknockedaroundbyfate.

'Causewhenpeopleseeus,

theydon'twanttobeus,

andthatmakesthemfeelgreat.

NICKY

Sure!Weprovideavitalservicetosociety!

GARYANDNICKY

Youandme!Schadenfreude!

Makingtheworldabetterplace...



tobe!

GARYCOLEMAN

SCHADENFREUDE!


86/113

Scene5

KATE

(FromthetopoftheEmpireState)Allthosepeoplelooklikeantsdownthereandtheirpartslookabout

astinyastheonesinsidethemenIdated.Princetongavemethispennyonce,hesaiditwasasymbolof

hishopesanddreams.AndhenevercalledthoughIaskedhimtoandIdontseehimanywhere.Pretty

soonhellbeanhourlateifhecomesatall.

LucyandPrincetoncomein

PRINCETON

Hey,Lucy!Wheredidyougothismorning?Ivebeenlookinfalloverforyou!

LUCY

Oh,man!WhydoIalwaysgettheclingyguys?

PRINCETON

No,youleft,thatsall.AndIdidntsaygoodbye.

LCUY

Listen,kid,sorrytobehonest,butlookatme!Icanhavemypickofthelitter!IfIwantedarelationship

Idfindaguywithagoodjob,whohasafutureandsomemoney.Andnotsomewellbonebabyfacekid

whoneedtorunhisparentsandcantgethisacttogether.(Sheleaves)

PRINCETON

IthinkIheardacomplimentthere,somewhere.(Heleaves)

KATE

Imgonnagetridofthisstupidpenny.AndIllmakeawish.Ihope,morethananything,IhopeIfind

someonewhoIlove,someonewholovesmeback.(Shethrowsthepenny).SomehowIdontfeelany

better.

PrincetonandLucycomein

PRINCETON

Lucy,Imonlylookingformypurpose.Mybigbreak,mybigrevelation.

LUCY

Youknowtheonlyrevelationpeoplehadinlife,kiddo?Theyrenotspecial.Yourenotspecial.Youre

notluckierormoregiftedthananyoneelse.


87/113

PRINCETON

Youdontthinkso.

LUCY

No!

PRINCETON

Well,Imgonnarunpastbythisplace,Illthinkaboutwhatyousaidjustnow.

LUCY

Whatssospecialaboutthisplace?

PRINCETON

Oh,youmean,here,on34tthan5th,attheentranceoftheEmpireStatebuilding?

(ThepennyfallsjustonLucyshead.Shefallsdownunconscious)

PRINCETON

Lucy?

Scene6

Thehospital

PRINCETON

Lucy,canyouhearme?

KATE

Princeton,I...Iheardyourfriendhadanaccident.Howisshe?

PRINCETON

Herheadfelloffintheambulance.Andthedoctorsspentthenightsewingitbackon.Buttheprognosis

isgood.

KATE

Whathappenedtoher?

PRINCETON

SomeidiotthrewapennyfromtheEmpireStatebuliding.

KATE

...Shit!...


88/113

PRINCETON

Kate,whatareyoudoinghere?

KATE

Whydidntyoubotherinsayingyouwerentcoming?

PRINCETON

What?

KATE

Itoldyou,inmynote...

PRINCETON

Whatnote?

KATE

TheoneIleftwith...Oh!Ifeelbetternow!

PRINCETON

Howareyou,Kate?

KATE

Honestly?

PRINCETON

Ofcourse!

KATE

ImworkinginBarnes&Noble.Imissmystudents.IworkalldayandImpoorerthanever.

PRINCETON

Andwhataboutyourdream?

KATE

Somepeoplesdreamscometrue,butIdontthinkImoneofthosepeople.

PRINCETON

Dontsaythat.

KATE

Butthatsthewaylifeis,Princeton.Nobodyteachesyouthatwhenyouareakid,becauseifyouknew,


89/113

noonewouldeverdreamorwanttogrowup.Butyoucantstopgrowingup.Imlateforwork.

PRINCETON

Kate,listen!Iwishyouwerehappy.AndIwishIhadmylifetogether,butIdontandIdontknowwhats

gonnahappen.AndImsosorryforhurtingyourfeelingsbecauseIthinkyouresospecial.Sorry,that

wasntmorearticulate.

KATE

Itwasperfectlyarticulate.Ishouldgo.(Sheleaves)

Scene7

NICKY

Helpthehomeless!Helpthehomeless!Oh,hi,Rod!

ROD

IsthatthewindIhearwrestlingthroughthebranches?

NICKY

Listen,Rod,fornowonIllbelieveanythingyousayaboutyourself.AndIapologizeforbeingsucha

messyroomate.AndnowthatIhaveaplaceonmyown,rightthatdumpsteroverthere,Iappreciate

howharditistokeepthingsnice!Well...?

(ChristmasEvecomesin)

OkRod,buddy,Iseeyouaround.

CE

Rod.AreyouOk?

ROD

ChristmasEve...CanIgetsoftwithyoubriefly?(HeliesonCEslap).

CE

Sure.Whattheproblemtoday?

ROD

Well...itssad...itsreally...Icant...

CE

Goon...


90/113

ROD

Well,Ilookatmyfriendswhoaremarriednow,and...well...IlookatyouandBrian...and...

CE

Goon...

ROD

WhydontIhavesomeonebymysidewhomakesmefeelspecialandsafe?Someonewho...lovesme

thewayIlovethem...

CE

Rod...youspecial...Rod...yousafe.

ROD

ImissNicky.

CE

Iknowyoudo.

Blackout.

Scene8

(KateisontheobservationdeckoftheEmpireStateBuilding)

IWishICouldGoBacktoCollege

KATEMONSTER

IwishIcouldgobacktocollege.

Lifewassosimplebackthen.

(Nickyappearsonadarkcorner,shivering)

NICKY

WhatwouldIgivetogobackandlive

inadormwithamealplanagain!

(NickyandKatesigh.LightsriseonPrinceton,atthehospital,sittingnexttoLucy'sbed)

PRINCETON


91/113

IwishIcouldgobacktocollege.

Incollegeyouknowwhoyouare.

Yousitinthequad

andthink,"OhmyGod!

Iamtotallygonnagofar!"

ALL

HowdoIgobacktocollege?

Idon'tknowwhoIamanymore!

PRINCETON

Iwannagobacktomyroomandfind

amessageindryerasepenonthedoor!

Ohhh...

IwishIcouldjustdropaclass...

NICKY

Orgetintoaplay...

KATEMONSTER

Orchangemymajor...

PRINCETON

OrfuckmyT.A.

ALL

Ineedanacademicadvisortopointtheway!

Wecouldbe...

Sittinginthecomputerlab,

4a.m.beforethefinalpaperisdue,

cursingtheworld'causeIdidn'tstartsooner,

andseeingtherestoftheclassthere,too!

PRINCETON

IwishIcouldgobacktocollege!

ALL

HowdoIgobacktocollege?!

Ahhhhhhh....

PRINCETON


92/113

IwishIhadtakenmorepictures.

NICKY

ButifIweretogobacktocollege,

thinkwhataloserI'dbe

I'dwalkthroughthequad,andthink

"OhmyGod..."

ALL

"Thesekidsaresomuchyoungerthanme."

Scene9

NICKY

Helpthehomeless!Helpthehomeless!Oooh!HeyPrinceton!Canyouspareaquarter?

PRINCETON

OhhhnoNicky..

NICKY

OhhhGodNicky!Youknowyouwantto,howaboutadime?Canyouspareadimeforyouroldpal?

PRINCETON

Iwannabealoneforawhileyouknow...

NICKY

Oh!Comeon,please!

PRINCETON

Iwannabeleftaloneokaaay!!!

NICKY

Youknowwhat?Maybeyoushouldstopthinkingaboutyourself.Likeyoushouldtry...helpingsomeone

elseoutforachange...likeme!Oh...comeonPrinceton...givemeyourquarter...

TheMoneySong

Givemeaquarter!

Hereinmyhat!


93/113

Comeon,Princeton,

it'saseasyasthat!

Helpingothersbrings

youclosertoGod,

sogivemeaquarter...

PRINCETON

Idon'thaveanychange.

NICKY

Hmmm.

Okay,givemeadollar.

PRINCETON

That'snotwhatImeant.

NICKY

Givemeafive!

PRINCETON

Areyoukidding?

NICKY

Themoreyougive

themoreyouget.

That'sbeingalive!

AllI'maskingyou

istodowhatJesusChrist

woulddo:

He'dgivemeaquarter

whydon'tyou?

(spoken)

PRINCETON

Allright,allright,hereyougo.

(heputsmoneyinNicky'shat)

NICKY

Ahh,thanks!


94/113

PRINCETON

Takecare.Whoa!

NICKY

What'sthematter?

PRINCETON

Ifeel generous!

Ifeel compassionate!

NICKY

Youdo?

PRINCETON

Yeah!Ifeellikeanewperson agoodperson!

Helpingotherpeopleoutmakesyoufeelfantastic!

NICKY

That'swhatI'vebeentryingtotellyou

PRINCETON

AllthistimeI'vebeenrunningaroundthinkingaboutme,me,me andwherehasitgottenme!

I'mgonnadosomethingforsomeoneelse!

NICKY

Me?

PRINCETON

No Kate!I'mgoingtoraisethemoneytobuildthatstupid

MonsterSchoolshe'salwaystalkingabout!

(sung)

Givemeyourmoney!

NICKY

What?!

PRINCETON

IneeditforKate!

NICKY


95/113

Ineedittoeat!

PRINCETON

Comeon,Nicky!

NICKY

Aww,getlost!

PRINCETON

It'llmakeyoufeelgreat!

NICKY

Sowouldaburger!

PRINCETON

Whenherdreamcomestrue,

it'llallbepartly

thankstoyou,so

givemeyourmoney!

NICKY

I'dliketo,butIcan't!

PRINCETON

Givemeyourmoney!

NICKY

I'dliketo,butIneedit!

PRINCETON

Givemeyourmoney!

NICKY

I'dliketo,butI'mhomeless!

Ican't!Ineedit!I'mhomeless!



(PrincetonslapsNicky)

NICKY

Okay,hereyago.


96/113

PRINCETON

Thankyou!

NICKY

Suddenly,Iamfeeling

closertoGod.

It'stimetostopbegging!

It'stimetostartgiving!

WhatcanIgivetoRod?

Somethinghe'lllikesomuchhe'lltakemeback.

Ooh,Iknow!I'llfindhimaboyfriend!

PRINCETON

That'sthespirit!

PRINCETONANDNICKY

Whenyouhelpothers,

youcan'thelphelpingyourself!

Whenyoucan'thelpothers,


(spoken)

GARYCOLEMAN

Heyboys,what'sthehatfor?

NICKY

Ooh,we'recollectingmoney!

PRINCETON

It'sforKate!We'reraisingmoneytobuildherdreamschool!

(sung)

Giveusyourmoney!

NICKY

You'llbegladthatyoudid!

GARYCOLEMAN


97/113

That'sjustwhatmyparents

toldmewhenIwasakid!

Shit!

NICKY

Butgivingfeelssogreat...

GARYCOLEMAN

AndIbetitwouldn'thurtyourchanceswithKate.

PRINCETON

Well,thattoo.

GARYCOLEMAN

I'llgiveyouadollar.

PRINCETON

You'reagentlemanandascholar!

(spoken)

CHRISTMASEVE

Wesohappy!Wejustexchangeallyourweddinggiftsforcash!

BRIAN

Honey,don'ttellthemthat!

CHRISTMASEVE

Wegetabouttwothousandbucks!

BRIAN

Uh,yeah.So thanks,everybody!

CHRISTMASEVE

Werich!

(sung)

PRINCETON

Giveusyourmoney!

NICKY


98/113

Giveusyourmoney!

GARYCOLEMAN

Giveusyourgoddamnedmoney!

PRINCETON

Giveusthedough!

GARYANDNICKY

Giveusthedough!

PRINCETON,GARYANDNICKY

We'reraisingmoneyfor

amonsterschool,

butwe'vegotawaystogo!

PRINCETON

Soundslikeyou'vegot

moneytoburn...

NICKY

Andit'snotlikemoneythat

youhadtoearn...

PRINCETON,GARYANDNICKY

Sogiveusyourmoney

(spoken)

CHRISTMASEVE

AMonsterSchool?

BRIAN

Soundslikeagoodcause.

CHRISTMASEVE

Givemeyourwallet.

PRINCETON

Ohmygosh!Idon'tknowhowtothankyouguys.

Imean,Katewillbesograteful...thatkindofmoney

issuchagreatstart...


99/113

(shehandsGarysomecash)

GARYCOLEMAN

Yeah!Fifteendollars!

PRINCETON

Fifteendollars?

CHRISTMASEVE

Everylittlebithelp!

NICKY

Lookslikewe'regonnahavetoaskMOREpeople!

(Theyturntotheaudienceandpassthehate)

(sung)

ALL

Hey!

Giveusyourmoney!

Allthatyou'vegot!

Justforkitonover...

GARYCOLEMAN

Orsomepuppetswillgetshot!

PRINCETON

Hey!

ALL

It'stimetopassthehat

GARYCOLEMAN

Andthere'snothingyoucando'boutthat.

ALL

So

Giveusyourmoney!

Giveusyourmoney!

Giveusyourmoney!


100/113

Whenyouhelpothers,


Whenyouhelpothers,


Everytimeyoudogooddeeds

you'realsoservingyourownneeds.

Whenyouhelpothers,

you'rereallyhelpingyourself!

Whenyougivetoaworthycause,

you'llfeelasjollyasSantaClaus.

Whenyouhelpothers,


(Princetoncountsthemoney).

(spoken)

CHRISTMAS

Howmuchdoweget?

PRINCETON(dependingonwhattheaudienceputonthehats)

Boy,it'snotverymuchatall,isit?

CE

Thosepeoplebunchofcheapsnakes!(totheaudience).

BRIAN

Neversaynever,Princeton,

there'sstillonemoreperson

wehavetohitup!

(Trekkiepopsoutofhiswindow)

TREKKIEMONSTER

No!No!No!Goaway.Mebusy.

CHRISTMASEVE

Butitforgoodcause!

TREKKIEMONSTER


101/113

Whatinitforme?Goaway!

PRINCETON

IguessKate'llnevergetherschoolforMonsters.

TREKKIEMONSTER

Whatyousay?

BRIAN

KatewantstoopenaschoolforMonsters.

TREKKIEMONSTER

SchoolforMonsters?Meneverhearofthat!

SchoolForMonsters/TheMoneySongreprise

(sung)

SchoolforMonsters!

SchoolforlonelylittleMonsters!

Whenmelittle,

goingtoschool,

otherchildren

thinkmenotcool,

pokingandpulling

atmefur...

Nowwehavetherapist,

andworkonthiswithher.

Butmenoneedmetherapy

ifMonsterSchoolareality!

(spoken)

WaitMeberightback...

Here!Megiveyoutenmilliondollars!

PRINCETON

Trekkie!Wheredidyougetallthatmoney?!


102/113

TREKKIEMONSTER

Involatilemarket,onlystableinvestmentisporn!

(sung)

ALL

Whenyouhelpothers,


Whenyouhelpothers,


Everytimeyoudo

gooddeeds,

you'realsoservingyour

ownneeds!

Whenyouhelpothers,


CE

ItsyourschoolKate!

BRIAN

Andheresacheckwithenoughmoneytorunit,andbuythebuilding...

CE

Andyoucanhireteachers,andcafeteriadelisandmakeareallookingschoolformonsters!Weallraise

themoney!

KATE

Youmean...allthatmoney...forme?

BRIAN

Mostofitcameformadonorwhowishestoremainanonymous.

GARY

Well...letsjustsayIjoinedintoo...

KATE

Well...Idontknowwhattosay!


103/113

BRIAN

Justsaythanks!

KATE

Thankyou!Thankyoueverybody!Theentiremonstercommunitythanksallofyou!

BRIAN

Listen!Nowthateverybodysallgatheredhere,ChristmasEveandIhaveanannouncement!

CE

Wegettingdivorce

ALL

What!

CE

IOnlykidding!But...weleavingAvenueQ...

KATE

What?

CE

Wemarriednow...andtrytomoveon...sowemovetonicerneighborhood...tolowereastside!

KATE

Butyoucantleave!

BRIAN

Oh!Comeonguys!Wellstillkeepintouch!Oh!Andtheresanotherreason...Imstartinganewcareer!

ALL

Yeah!!

BRIAN

Imaconsultant!

(silence)

CE

Inotknowwhatthatis...butIsoproudofhim!AndIhavegoodnewstoo!Ifinallygetaregularclient!I

apaidtherapist!


104/113

NICKY

Oh!Whoisyourclient?

CE

Oh!Inotallowedtosay,butIseehimseventimesaweekat1.25anhour...heneedalotofhelp...Me

workthroughhisissues,andhebecomethisintegratedperson!

KATE

IbetIknowwhoheis!

CE

Hemuchbetter!

NICKY

Who!?YoumeanRod!?

CE

InotaRodtosay.

BRIAN

Say...whereisheanyway?Gethimouthere!

(Agunshotisheard)

ALL

Ohhh!

CE

Oh!Damnit!!!

(Rodcomesoutwithabottleofchampaign)

ROD

Yoohoo!!Champaignforaverybody!Ivegotsomenews!

CE

OhRod!YouOK...

ROD

YouareOktoo.Haaaaaa...Oheveryone!Ihaveconfrontedmyfearsatlast,soIhaveafewthingsIdlike

tosay.Numberone:Iapologizeforbeingso...itwasallbecause...well...thisisnumbertwo:holdyou

applauseeverybode...becauseIRod...amGAY!


105/113

(silence)

Ok.Andthree:Nicky...OhNicky....Imsosorry...youremybestfriend...Ivemissedyousomuch...Will

youmovebackinwithme?

NICKY

Oh!!!Well!!IdbetoohappyRod!!

ROD

Allright!!

NICKY

Yeahh!!(Theyhug)HeyRod!GuesswhatIdid!Iveputapersonaaddallovertheinternetwithyour

pictureonit!

ROD

Youdidwhat?!

NICKY

And...Ivefoundsomeoneveeeryspecial!!Waithere...

ROD

Whaaaaat!!!Hoooo!!Hooo!!Hoooo!!

NICKY

Rod!IdlikeyoutomeetRicky!

RICKY

Hi!Rodney,itsnicetomeetyou.

NICKY

IthinkIknowyourtipe.

ROD

Ohhh!SweetsufferingJesus!!NickyandRicky!Mykarmaitsover thatscute!

(HegoesinsidewithRicky,jumpingandshouting)

GARY

Everybodysdreamsarecomingtrue.andthentheresGaryColeman...


106/113

BRIAN

OhhcomeonGary!

KATE

Youstillgotallofus!

GARY

Yeah...well,sinceyoutwoareleaving,Idbettergoputthatdamnforrentsignbackup

KATEMONSTER

(lookingatherbuilding)

TheMonsterssoriSchool.Idon'tevenknowwheretostart!

CHRISTMASEVE

Doyouknowwhogetideaandcollectallthemoney

andbuybuildingforyou?

KATEMONSTER

Wasityou?

CHRISTMASEVE

No.ItPrinceton.

KATEMONSTER

Princeton?Forme?

(Princetonenters)

There'saFine,FineLine/WhatDoYouDoWithaB.A.inEnglish(Reprise)

(spoken)

PRINCETON

Yousaidyoucouldn'tmakeyoudreamscometruebyyourself,

soIshotforthestars.

(sung)

You'vegottogoafter

thethingsyouwant

whileyou'restillin


107/113

yourprime...

KATEMONSTER


between

love...

(spoken)

Thankyou,Princeton.

PRINCETON

Sowillyoutakemeback,Kate?

KATEMONSTER

I'llbesobusynow,withallofthecontractors,and

inspections,andhiringteachersandchoosingtextbooks...

PRINCETON

Well,Icouldhelpyou.

KATEMONSTER

Canwetakeitonedayatatime?

(Garyhangsupthe"ForRent"sign.Ayoungoptimisticlookingpuppetappears)

NEWCOMER

Whatdoyoudo

withaB.A.inEnglish?

Oh,look!A"ForRent"sign!

OhmyGod!

You'reGaryColeman!

GARYCOLEMAN

YesIam!

NEWCOMER

Say,canyoutellmewheretofindthesuper?

GARYCOLEMAN

Iamthesuper.


108/113

NEWCOMER

What?YoureGaryColemanandyouarethesuper?!Hahahaha!!!

GARY

Areyoulaughingatme?!

NEWCOMER

Nonono...Imsorry...

GARY

No,thatsallrightkid,thatswhyImhere!

NEWCOMER

Well,listen Iwannaaskyouabouttheapartmentforrent?

GARYCOLEMAN

Oh,sure!

PRINCETON

Waitaminute!

Waitaminute!That'sit!

KATEMONSTER

What?

PRINCETON

MyPURPOSE!

Lookatthiskid,here,allfreshfacedandnewandnotknowinganything!

Hehasnoideawhathe'sinfor!Hethinksthehardpart'sover,butit'snot!

Andmaybeheneedsalittlehelp!Maybemypurposeistotake

everythingI'mlearningandputit putitintoashow!

BRIAN

Areyouhigh?

NEWCOMER

AndI'mnotsomeyoungkidwhodoesn'tknowanything.Fuckyou!

ForNow

PRINCETON


109/113

Whydoeseverythinghavetobesohard?

GARYCOLEMAN

Maybeyou'llneverfindyourpurpose.

CHRISTMASEVE

Lotsofpeopledon't.

PRINCETON

Butthen Idon'tknowwhyI'mevenalive!

KATEMONSTER

Well,whodoes,really?

(sung)

Everyone'salittlebitunsatisfied.

BRIAN

Everyonegoes'roundalittleemptyinside.

GARYCOLEMAN

Takeabreath,lookaround.

BRIAN

Swallowyourpride.

KATEMONSTER

Fornow...

BRIAN,KATE,GARYANDCHRISTMASEVE

Fornow...

NICKY

Nothinglasts,

ROD

Lifegoeson.

NICKY

Fullofsurprises.


110/113

ROD

You'llbefaced

withproblems

ofallshapesandsizes.

CHRISTMASEVE

You'regoingtohave

tomakeafew

compromises...

fornow...

ALL

Butonlyfornow!(fornow)

Onlyfornow!(fornow)

Onlyfornow!(fornow)

Onlyfornow!

(Lucyenters)

LUCY

HeyEverybody!Imdefeatedformmyyogaclass!Goshitssobaboootoseeyouallyoucrazykids!

KATE

Lucy?Isthatyou?

LUCY

Awholenewme!Thatpennytookout20%ofmybrain.Butitonlytookoutthemeanstuff!Hahaha

ha!

BIB1

Wevelostpartofourbrainstoo

BIB

Wegotonscientology!

BIBS

Yeahhhhh!!


111/113

LUCY

Fornowwe'rehealthy.

BRIAN

Fornowwe'reemployed.

BADIDEABEARS

Fornowwe'rehappy...

KATEMONSTER

Ifnotoverjoyed.

PRINCETON

Andwe'llacceptthethings

wecannotavoid,fornow...

GARYCOLEMAN

Fornow...

TREKKIEMONSTER

Fornow...

KATEMONSTER

Fornow...

ALL

Butonlyfornow!(fornow)

Onlyfornow!(fornow)

Onlyfornow!(fornow)

Onlyfornow!

Onlyfornow!

(Fornowthere'slife!)

Onlyfornow!

(Fornowthere'slove!)

Onlyfornow!

(Fornowthere'swork!)

Fornowthere'shappiness!

Butonlyfornow!

(Fornowdiscomfort!)

Onlyfornow!


112/113

(Fornowthere'sfriendship!)

Onlyfornow(fornow)

Onlyfornow!

Onlyfornow!(Sex!)

Isonlyfornow!(Yourhair!)

Isonlyfornow!(GeorgeBush!)

Isonlyfornow!

Don'tstress,

relax,

letliferolloff

yourbacks

exceptfordeath

andpayingtaxes

everythinginlifeis

onlyfornow!

NICKY

Eachtimeyousmile...

ALL

...Onlyfornow

KATEMONSTER

It'llonlylastawhile.

ALL

...Onlyfornow

PRINCETON

Lifemaybescary...

ALL

...Onlyfornow

Butit'sonlytemporary.

Badumbadum,

badumbadum

badumbadum

badadadada

badadadadadada


113/113

badumbada,badum

bada,oooooh

PRINCETON

Everythinginlifeisonlyfornow.

THEEND

Documents

Avenue Q Libretto.pdf